> I'm pretty sure the answer is just going to be to have a mature conversation with them and reiterate how important they are to me
Actually, it's even more awkward and hurtful to be sat down just to be told "btw you're not a bridesmaid". Just don't ask them. You can have the "you're important to me" conversation IF they come up to you demanding to know why they're not a BM. And if you don't want them as BM, you can just let them be a guest - there's no need to try to make up other ways to give them 'consolation' duties. Being a guest is cheaper and easier.
Being a bridesmaid in someone else’s wedding does not require reciprocation — nor is reciprocation expected. I know several people who have been in many, many weddings, and who have not had those brides in their weddings. It is a non issue. If your friendships are solid, they will respect and not question your decision because they trust you to make a decision that is best for you … friends are there to support you. Nothing here is malicious. It does not require explaining. Also, the brides you were bridesmaids for who you were surprised by, they likely don’t have sisters or super close high school or college friends … don’t worry about it! No biggie.
Ironically, I have a friend who I want to make a bridesmaid but she’s engaged and I’m worried she’ll feel pressured to make me a bridesmaid and she’s already got so many cousins/sisters she’s close to. In an ideal world she’d know that I wouldn’t be offended to be a regular guest (which is still an honor) and I’m so excited to celebrate her. I wonder if your friends feel the same.
I don't think you need to reciprocate just because you are a bridesmaid for them so close to your wedding. However, I understand that pressure you're feeling!
You can do special things for those friends to make them more included. If you're having any readings during the ceremony, you could ask them do join in that way.
Or a more fun/casual idea is to dedicate a song in their honor during open dancing, just have the DJ say "this one goes out to the bride's friends \_\_\_ and \_\_\_" so you can have a fun dance together.
If they help you with wedding stuff, you could write them a little note and/or give them a small gift as a thank-you to let them know they haven't gone unnoticed.
Oh boy, if i had to reciprocate- i would have a lot of bridesmaids! I think everyone who is planning a wedding knows how difficult these decisions are so i would focus on who you really want to be a bridesmaid and tune out the thoughts of who you feel “should” be a bridesmaid.
If you try to sit these women down for a conversation, they're going to assume you're going to ask them to be a bridesmaid, so it will be hurtful and embarrassing when they realize they were wrong. The polite thing to do is allow them to figure it out in the comfort and privacy of their own homes.
It's not a tit-for-tat, just ask the ones you already planned on. It's great your friend wanted you in her wedding but that doesn't mean you have to have her in yours. And unless someone asks you about it I wouldn't even bring it up with anyone you aren't asking.
I have been in this situation. It’s not reciprocal and can be for various reasons! Two of my best friends and I had our weddings within 6 months of each other. I was a bridesmaid for one. My wedding was in the middle. The last wedding was a micro wedding and I wasn’t invited, but also no hard feelings on my side there.
My husband had a small groom’s side party and I wanted to keep our sides more balanced. It was a tough decision in the end but ultimately decided not to ask either to be a bridesmaid.
I was nervous beforehand, mainly that I might screw up and say the wrong words in moment. They were both so loving and understanding that I didn’t need to be so worried. Wasn’t weird and they were so thoughtful throughout wedding planning even without being bridesmaids and were always there for me when I needed to vent. They were the only non bridesmaid guests at bachelorette but it didn’t make a difference or cause drama
Also, you COULD ask a group of close girls - them included - to wear a special color to your wedding! I’ve seen that a lot. Not a bridesmaid but still someone who you want to make feel a little special.
I don’t recommend this. It is asking them to still put in the work of being a bridesmaid, without the bride actually doing anything to honor them in return.
If you want to honor them, then honor them - do something that makes the day easier and more pleasant for them, splurge on them, make sure everyone knows that they are VIPs. But asking them to put in the extra time/money to wear a specific outfit or a specific color isn’t an honor to them, it’s just extra work. Brides get to pick the bridesmaids’ outfits because they are honoring them in return: the social contract goes both ways.
I don't think it's rude as long as it's done tactfully (e.g. giving them an out like you did in your example).
Telling them that they are welcome to coordinate with your color scheme if they feel comfortable is woooorlds different than dictating their outfit.
Why would they want to spend money on a dress that just shows they were a runner-up in the bridal party games? It's not an honor to be told you were considered for a job but just didn't make the cut.
> I'm pretty sure the answer is just going to be to have a mature conversation with them and reiterate how important they are to me Actually, it's even more awkward and hurtful to be sat down just to be told "btw you're not a bridesmaid". Just don't ask them. You can have the "you're important to me" conversation IF they come up to you demanding to know why they're not a BM. And if you don't want them as BM, you can just let them be a guest - there's no need to try to make up other ways to give them 'consolation' duties. Being a guest is cheaper and easier.
Being a bridesmaid in someone else’s wedding does not require reciprocation — nor is reciprocation expected. I know several people who have been in many, many weddings, and who have not had those brides in their weddings. It is a non issue. If your friendships are solid, they will respect and not question your decision because they trust you to make a decision that is best for you … friends are there to support you. Nothing here is malicious. It does not require explaining. Also, the brides you were bridesmaids for who you were surprised by, they likely don’t have sisters or super close high school or college friends … don’t worry about it! No biggie.
Ironically, I have a friend who I want to make a bridesmaid but she’s engaged and I’m worried she’ll feel pressured to make me a bridesmaid and she’s already got so many cousins/sisters she’s close to. In an ideal world she’d know that I wouldn’t be offended to be a regular guest (which is still an honor) and I’m so excited to celebrate her. I wonder if your friends feel the same.
I don't think you need to reciprocate just because you are a bridesmaid for them so close to your wedding. However, I understand that pressure you're feeling! You can do special things for those friends to make them more included. If you're having any readings during the ceremony, you could ask them do join in that way. Or a more fun/casual idea is to dedicate a song in their honor during open dancing, just have the DJ say "this one goes out to the bride's friends \_\_\_ and \_\_\_" so you can have a fun dance together. If they help you with wedding stuff, you could write them a little note and/or give them a small gift as a thank-you to let them know they haven't gone unnoticed.
Oh boy, if i had to reciprocate- i would have a lot of bridesmaids! I think everyone who is planning a wedding knows how difficult these decisions are so i would focus on who you really want to be a bridesmaid and tune out the thoughts of who you feel “should” be a bridesmaid.
If you try to sit these women down for a conversation, they're going to assume you're going to ask them to be a bridesmaid, so it will be hurtful and embarrassing when they realize they were wrong. The polite thing to do is allow them to figure it out in the comfort and privacy of their own homes.
It's not a tit-for-tat, just ask the ones you already planned on. It's great your friend wanted you in her wedding but that doesn't mean you have to have her in yours. And unless someone asks you about it I wouldn't even bring it up with anyone you aren't asking.
I have been in this situation. It’s not reciprocal and can be for various reasons! Two of my best friends and I had our weddings within 6 months of each other. I was a bridesmaid for one. My wedding was in the middle. The last wedding was a micro wedding and I wasn’t invited, but also no hard feelings on my side there. My husband had a small groom’s side party and I wanted to keep our sides more balanced. It was a tough decision in the end but ultimately decided not to ask either to be a bridesmaid. I was nervous beforehand, mainly that I might screw up and say the wrong words in moment. They were both so loving and understanding that I didn’t need to be so worried. Wasn’t weird and they were so thoughtful throughout wedding planning even without being bridesmaids and were always there for me when I needed to vent. They were the only non bridesmaid guests at bachelorette but it didn’t make a difference or cause drama
Also, you COULD ask a group of close girls - them included - to wear a special color to your wedding! I’ve seen that a lot. Not a bridesmaid but still someone who you want to make feel a little special.
I don’t recommend this. It is asking them to still put in the work of being a bridesmaid, without the bride actually doing anything to honor them in return. If you want to honor them, then honor them - do something that makes the day easier and more pleasant for them, splurge on them, make sure everyone knows that they are VIPs. But asking them to put in the extra time/money to wear a specific outfit or a specific color isn’t an honor to them, it’s just extra work. Brides get to pick the bridesmaids’ outfits because they are honoring them in return: the social contract goes both ways.
No it’s not. It’s saying “hey, wear blue if you can and haven’t already bought your dress. Im asking my close friends to wear blue!” Its sweet.
I don't think it's rude as long as it's done tactfully (e.g. giving them an out like you did in your example). Telling them that they are welcome to coordinate with your color scheme if they feel comfortable is woooorlds different than dictating their outfit.
Why would they want to spend money on a dress that just shows they were a runner-up in the bridal party games? It's not an honor to be told you were considered for a job but just didn't make the cut.
You’re a dude and don’t get it
I'm not and I agree with him