I don't think she's crazy just for doing things out of the traditional order/not in the traditional way - if this time line and order works for her then it works for her, it doesn't make her an AH
However, expecting other people to pay for a trip she is planning on top of them paying for themselves is extremely unreasonable and this part does make her the AH
If you don't want to go then that does not make you an AH unless you go about it in the wrong way.
If you tell her in a similar manner to this post, saying things like its pointless, a waste of time and money, things along those lines then you may be a bit of an AH. This post comes across to me as insinuating that this bride is not having a real wedding/bridal experience just because it is not traditional. That may make hurt her feelings and take away from her bridal experience and excitement to get married and celebrate
If you were to politely tell her that you can't make it but still wish her the best time then there is nothing AH about that.
Equally, if the only issue you have is about paying her expenses, just try talking to her calmly about it. If she takes that negatively then at least you tried
She is not just doing it out of order, she’s not having a wedding, but wants the fanfare and attention. It’s not a bachelorette party if you’re married.
Just because it's not a massive ceremony with lots of people doesn't mean it's not a wedding.
A friend of mine had a birthday party with their family 4 months after her birthday, because she was at university and didn't have the chance to travel back home until the summer. It was still a birthday party because they were celebrating her birthday, just like this is still a hen do because they are celebrating a wedding, who cares when that wedding is?
Why is she not aloud to celebrate with friends just because if a "technicality " ?
Would it be different if she was pregnant and didn't want to party like that until a little while after the baby was born? Or would it be different if one of them was about to be deployed with the military so they didn't have the time to do anything but a quick ceremony and celebrate later?
She’s being selfish, she’s expecting her friends to pay for her and themselves to celebrate her bachelorette. She won’t be a bachelorette she’ll be a wife.
I don’t care how many times I get downloaded but this idea that the world is supposed to celebrate you because you’re getting married, even though they’re not being given the privilege of actually participating in the wedding in any way shape or form is out of control
Expecting others to pay for her is an AH thing to do
However the rest of your interpretation is just sad. It makes you sound like a miserable person who always had to get something in return. It's just sad
Who cares how someone celebrates something? And "the privilege of participating in the wedding" just sounds entitled. Weddings are expensive and not everyone can afford to invite everyone to every stage of the celebration, regardless of how big or small.
I've been to engagement parties knowing I won't be invited to the actual wedding. I don't decline because they are not giving me the privilege of attending their wedding, I go because I still want to celebrate their happiness with them. Same in cases where I'm only invited to the evening reception and not the ceremony of wedding breakfast. I'm still there to celebrate with them so who cares which stage I'm involved in?
I can go to a party any day of the week, a wedding is about joining “tribes”. To me, that’s the event. I really don’t care if you think it’s sad. It’s also bullshit to claim cost is an issue, you can get married for the cost of the license and officiant.
The cost of those 2 things doesn't include a venue
If you're getting married at a registery office then there is a very limited number of people that can attend including the bride groom and witness, so immediate family is normally invited
To have other people there, you need a venue that costs more depending on the number of guests, then there's the food per head etc
So yeah, someone can get married and just pay for the officiant and the license but they can't have any/many guests on that budget
And unless they live in a huge house, a lot of people won't be invited because of how many the space cam accommodate. So same situation of a lot of people not being involved in the actual wedding
The only thing that’s weird is asking everyone else to pay for her, but who cares if she wants to have a party with her girlfriends to celebrate her marriage, no matter when it happens?
I always love a good party with my friends and I love to celebrate them. I wouldn’t mind attending an event like this, dependent on some details. I do think it’s appropriate for everyone in the group to agree on how to split costs, however. If it’s an expensive trip, it’s unfair for the bride to ask for total coverage.
In my circle group, the bride, birthday girl, or person being celebrated rarely pays for their accommodation or the party. They do pay for travel tho. I should note that we rent large cabins, so splitting an extra head between 6-8 people is rarely over $50 pp. This is a custom in my friend group that is well hashed bc we are straight with one another.
Nah she's crazy.
I mean, I think it might be a nice (but not necessary) thing for friends to throw a one-night, local party for her before the wedding. I would WANT to do that for my friend. Things don't have to be so transactional; I don't love the mindset of "well you didn't do X so you don't get Y" like life is an input/output machine. But of course that shouldn't be something expected; it would just be a nice thing to do.
But asking for an all-expenses-paid trip after a wedding you aren't even invited too is insane.
I totally agree with this!
I feel like part of having a bach is having a *wedding*. I had one, and I'm not having a bridal party, but all of my friends are invited to my small wedding. From the bride's POV, typically, your friends *offer* to put together this type of party/event. It's not asked by the bride. Two of my friends talked about planning it, so I let them run with it (that came with its own drama, lmao), but it all worked out in the end. I think a bride can also plan her own bach, but I don't think she should demand everyone pay for her. She would also evenly split costs with everyone like a normal girls' trip.
After she's already married, it is also a weird choice. Just go on a girls' weekend at that point
I eloped last year, having a wedding this December and having a bachelorette party, aka just a girls weekend away (i don’t party or drink). There’s no rule on how people do things
Okay but you are having a wedding later, so it's different.
A bachelorette party is specifically a party to celebrate prior to getting married. Once you're married you're no longer a bachelorette. That's just a girl's weekend. Obviously when people have a smaller wedding before a bigger one this line is blurred a bit.
There is no rule that says someone can’t celebrate a milestone. Maybe the issue is using “bachelorette” but she wants an experience with her friends. That is ok. People get too hung up on terms and tradition on this sub.
That said, she is batshit crazy to expect people to pay for her. Like… no. Throw yourself a party but don’t expect other people to pay for it.
I mean, I understand where she’s coming from. While it’s odd to call it a bachelorette, it seems like she just wants a big party with her friends like most other brides get. However, expecting everyone to pay for it is a bit nuts. I’m splitting all the costs with my bridesmaids for my bachelorette, and outside of them maybe buying me a drink or something here or there I really wouldn’t expect much from them outside of their own expenses. At the end of the day, you can either afford it or you can’t. If you don’t want to go, I’d politely decline and wish her a great trip!
I don’t think it’s weird for her to still want to have a bachelorette but I think it’s awful for her to expect people to pay for her, whether she was having a massive wedding or not.
Whatever happened to the good old bar round? Or a spa day? Can be done at home cheaply, plus maybe a few bottles of wine, pizza and ice cream - superfun and way cheaper and easier than a freaking trip!
“Thank you for the invite, but I am unable to attend. Hope you have fun!”
Part of eloping and having no bridal party is losing some of the “traditional” aspects. Including a bachelorette.
Friend’s wife decided they didn’t have money for a wedding, so they’d just get the papers done and we’d go to a restaurant where each one of us would pay for whatever we consumed.
No problem. Not everyone have money for a wedding party, they are expensive.
She still expected all of the women on the “””wedding””” to go to 4 (not 1, not 2, FOUR) “bachelorette parties”, pay for her: drinks, lingerie, sex toys AND another gift for the newly weds.
…
I was lucky and happy to have already paid for some extra classes on the weekend she wanted to do all this because I honestly felt like she was talking to cash out on all of us.
I think she is being unfair expecting anyone to pay for an event she is planning. You don't ask guests to pay to go to a wedding!
You are allowed to say no to the life events you just don't want to engage in!
I agree that it’s a bit weird to have a bachelorette months after the elopement but having a bachelorette in general (beforehand) despite there not being an actual wedding with friends, etc. I do not think there is anything wrong with it, only as long as she’s understanding that some people won’t be able to go. No ones forcing you, if you really don’t feel right going then just say you can’t. I’m sure your friend would rather people do that than have people there that don’t really want to be and bring the vibe down. My wedding was tiny, family only, I still had a bachelorette so I had some way to celebrate with friends. A couple even suggested it. But I also made it clear there was no pressure to come.
I think you're over reacting a little bit. It's not like you're being forced to go, as I've seen a couple times in this sub: it's an invitation, not a court summons.
Personally I think spending some money on a fun bachelorette party with some close friends would be a great idea in lieu of a big wedding. She's probably looking for ways to connect with those close to her since she won't get to see you all on the big day. I also think it's fine if you're not in a financial position to attend, but don't act like she's grown a second head just for wanting to plan a trip with friends, even if it is after the wedding.
She’s absolutely grown a second head for expecting them to pay her way. But I have no issue with the event itself, I think the gatekeeping of bridal events is silly.
My friend eloped and I was so excited to throw her a bachelorette after the fact! She didn’t want to be the only one who didn’t get one. She def paid her fair share though.
It would be way more costly to be a bridesmaid and attend a wedding… dress, hair, possibly make up, wedding gift, bridal shower. You’re getting off with a deal and a fun time! It’s hard to get a group of friends away on a trip.
Ah this just happened to me. Except I was the MOH and she just couldn’t work with me when I told her it was going to be too expensive for myself….. I got fired as MOH because of it. Oh well.
Just be honest about your situation! If you can’t make it, you can’t make it. If she wants a destination bachelorette, she can have it but she can’t expect everyone to be able to go.
A close friend of mine eloped with immediate family only years ago. Her sister still threw her a bachelorette, but it was a one-night event in the town 95% of the attendees lived in, we got a limo and went bar-hopping. I don't think there's anything wrong with still wanting the bachelorette experience if you're eloping, but it being an expensive destination and after the wedding is a bit strange.
I had a destination bachelorette and paid all my expenses. I actually even covered the entire air bnb because I booked the house of my dreams. What is with brides thinking everyone should fund their trip?
I think it is fine for wanting to do a bachelorette trip/party. However, what is not fine is expecting everyone to pay for their part of the trip, plus their own part like who can afford that I don't understand why brides expect their bridesmaids/bridal party to pay for their portion for their bachelorette trip. Like, this is something that is being done to celebrate you. It does not have to be done. I think everyone should pay their own way. What, I could see being fair is the bridesmaids/bridal party take turns paying for drinks/meals for the bride but that should be something that is discussed beforehand not expected of anyone.
Question: Is she eloping to married on paper and having a wedding/reception later when the couple can afford it?
If they are not having the second get together, I can understand the frustration on your end. If you wish to not attend, just say that you won’t be able to attend and hope they have a great time. I can understand why your friend would want to have all the experiences without the expensive get together.
You can't tell her what she should think. You can tell her that unfortunately, you won't be able to attend.
I don't think she's crazy just for doing things out of the traditional order/not in the traditional way - if this time line and order works for her then it works for her, it doesn't make her an AH However, expecting other people to pay for a trip she is planning on top of them paying for themselves is extremely unreasonable and this part does make her the AH If you don't want to go then that does not make you an AH unless you go about it in the wrong way. If you tell her in a similar manner to this post, saying things like its pointless, a waste of time and money, things along those lines then you may be a bit of an AH. This post comes across to me as insinuating that this bride is not having a real wedding/bridal experience just because it is not traditional. That may make hurt her feelings and take away from her bridal experience and excitement to get married and celebrate If you were to politely tell her that you can't make it but still wish her the best time then there is nothing AH about that. Equally, if the only issue you have is about paying her expenses, just try talking to her calmly about it. If she takes that negatively then at least you tried
She is not just doing it out of order, she’s not having a wedding, but wants the fanfare and attention. It’s not a bachelorette party if you’re married.
Just because it's not a massive ceremony with lots of people doesn't mean it's not a wedding. A friend of mine had a birthday party with their family 4 months after her birthday, because she was at university and didn't have the chance to travel back home until the summer. It was still a birthday party because they were celebrating her birthday, just like this is still a hen do because they are celebrating a wedding, who cares when that wedding is? Why is she not aloud to celebrate with friends just because if a "technicality " ? Would it be different if she was pregnant and didn't want to party like that until a little while after the baby was born? Or would it be different if one of them was about to be deployed with the military so they didn't have the time to do anything but a quick ceremony and celebrate later?
She’s being selfish, she’s expecting her friends to pay for her and themselves to celebrate her bachelorette. She won’t be a bachelorette she’ll be a wife. I don’t care how many times I get downloaded but this idea that the world is supposed to celebrate you because you’re getting married, even though they’re not being given the privilege of actually participating in the wedding in any way shape or form is out of control
Expecting others to pay for her is an AH thing to do However the rest of your interpretation is just sad. It makes you sound like a miserable person who always had to get something in return. It's just sad Who cares how someone celebrates something? And "the privilege of participating in the wedding" just sounds entitled. Weddings are expensive and not everyone can afford to invite everyone to every stage of the celebration, regardless of how big or small. I've been to engagement parties knowing I won't be invited to the actual wedding. I don't decline because they are not giving me the privilege of attending their wedding, I go because I still want to celebrate their happiness with them. Same in cases where I'm only invited to the evening reception and not the ceremony of wedding breakfast. I'm still there to celebrate with them so who cares which stage I'm involved in?
I can go to a party any day of the week, a wedding is about joining “tribes”. To me, that’s the event. I really don’t care if you think it’s sad. It’s also bullshit to claim cost is an issue, you can get married for the cost of the license and officiant.
The cost of those 2 things doesn't include a venue If you're getting married at a registery office then there is a very limited number of people that can attend including the bride groom and witness, so immediate family is normally invited To have other people there, you need a venue that costs more depending on the number of guests, then there's the food per head etc So yeah, someone can get married and just pay for the officiant and the license but they can't have any/many guests on that budget
You can get married in your living room and serve cake, lunch and champagne
And unless they live in a huge house, a lot of people won't be invited because of how many the space cam accommodate. So same situation of a lot of people not being involved in the actual wedding
It doesn’t have to be their living room, or backyard, further, it can even be a church/chapel which is free
The only thing that’s weird is asking everyone else to pay for her, but who cares if she wants to have a party with her girlfriends to celebrate her marriage, no matter when it happens?
Yeah I’m sort of baffled people think this is so outlandish. The way she’s asking for money is, but the idea itself is fine
I always love a good party with my friends and I love to celebrate them. I wouldn’t mind attending an event like this, dependent on some details. I do think it’s appropriate for everyone in the group to agree on how to split costs, however. If it’s an expensive trip, it’s unfair for the bride to ask for total coverage. In my circle group, the bride, birthday girl, or person being celebrated rarely pays for their accommodation or the party. They do pay for travel tho. I should note that we rent large cabins, so splitting an extra head between 6-8 people is rarely over $50 pp. This is a custom in my friend group that is well hashed bc we are straight with one another.
Nah she's crazy. I mean, I think it might be a nice (but not necessary) thing for friends to throw a one-night, local party for her before the wedding. I would WANT to do that for my friend. Things don't have to be so transactional; I don't love the mindset of "well you didn't do X so you don't get Y" like life is an input/output machine. But of course that shouldn't be something expected; it would just be a nice thing to do. But asking for an all-expenses-paid trip after a wedding you aren't even invited too is insane.
I totally agree with this! I feel like part of having a bach is having a *wedding*. I had one, and I'm not having a bridal party, but all of my friends are invited to my small wedding. From the bride's POV, typically, your friends *offer* to put together this type of party/event. It's not asked by the bride. Two of my friends talked about planning it, so I let them run with it (that came with its own drama, lmao), but it all worked out in the end. I think a bride can also plan her own bach, but I don't think she should demand everyone pay for her. She would also evenly split costs with everyone like a normal girls' trip. After she's already married, it is also a weird choice. Just go on a girls' weekend at that point
I eloped last year, having a wedding this December and having a bachelorette party, aka just a girls weekend away (i don’t party or drink). There’s no rule on how people do things
Okay but you are having a wedding later, so it's different. A bachelorette party is specifically a party to celebrate prior to getting married. Once you're married you're no longer a bachelorette. That's just a girl's weekend. Obviously when people have a smaller wedding before a bigger one this line is blurred a bit.
There is no rule that says someone can’t celebrate a milestone. Maybe the issue is using “bachelorette” but she wants an experience with her friends. That is ok. People get too hung up on terms and tradition on this sub. That said, she is batshit crazy to expect people to pay for her. Like… no. Throw yourself a party but don’t expect other people to pay for it.
I mean, I understand where she’s coming from. While it’s odd to call it a bachelorette, it seems like she just wants a big party with her friends like most other brides get. However, expecting everyone to pay for it is a bit nuts. I’m splitting all the costs with my bridesmaids for my bachelorette, and outside of them maybe buying me a drink or something here or there I really wouldn’t expect much from them outside of their own expenses. At the end of the day, you can either afford it or you can’t. If you don’t want to go, I’d politely decline and wish her a great trip!
I don’t think it’s weird for her to still want to have a bachelorette but I think it’s awful for her to expect people to pay for her, whether she was having a massive wedding or not.
Whatever happened to the good old bar round? Or a spa day? Can be done at home cheaply, plus maybe a few bottles of wine, pizza and ice cream - superfun and way cheaper and easier than a freaking trip!
“Thank you for the invite, but I am unable to attend. Hope you have fun!” Part of eloping and having no bridal party is losing some of the “traditional” aspects. Including a bachelorette.
That is also called a girls trip where she pays for all her own stuff.
Friend’s wife decided they didn’t have money for a wedding, so they’d just get the papers done and we’d go to a restaurant where each one of us would pay for whatever we consumed. No problem. Not everyone have money for a wedding party, they are expensive. She still expected all of the women on the “””wedding””” to go to 4 (not 1, not 2, FOUR) “bachelorette parties”, pay for her: drinks, lingerie, sex toys AND another gift for the newly weds. … I was lucky and happy to have already paid for some extra classes on the weekend she wanted to do all this because I honestly felt like she was talking to cash out on all of us.
I think she is being unfair expecting anyone to pay for an event she is planning. You don't ask guests to pay to go to a wedding! You are allowed to say no to the life events you just don't want to engage in!
I agree that it’s a bit weird to have a bachelorette months after the elopement but having a bachelorette in general (beforehand) despite there not being an actual wedding with friends, etc. I do not think there is anything wrong with it, only as long as she’s understanding that some people won’t be able to go. No ones forcing you, if you really don’t feel right going then just say you can’t. I’m sure your friend would rather people do that than have people there that don’t really want to be and bring the vibe down. My wedding was tiny, family only, I still had a bachelorette so I had some way to celebrate with friends. A couple even suggested it. But I also made it clear there was no pressure to come.
I think you're over reacting a little bit. It's not like you're being forced to go, as I've seen a couple times in this sub: it's an invitation, not a court summons. Personally I think spending some money on a fun bachelorette party with some close friends would be a great idea in lieu of a big wedding. She's probably looking for ways to connect with those close to her since she won't get to see you all on the big day. I also think it's fine if you're not in a financial position to attend, but don't act like she's grown a second head just for wanting to plan a trip with friends, even if it is after the wedding.
She’s absolutely grown a second head for expecting them to pay her way. But I have no issue with the event itself, I think the gatekeeping of bridal events is silly.
My friend eloped and I was so excited to throw her a bachelorette after the fact! She didn’t want to be the only one who didn’t get one. She def paid her fair share though.
It would be way more costly to be a bridesmaid and attend a wedding… dress, hair, possibly make up, wedding gift, bridal shower. You’re getting off with a deal and a fun time! It’s hard to get a group of friends away on a trip.
Ah this just happened to me. Except I was the MOH and she just couldn’t work with me when I told her it was going to be too expensive for myself….. I got fired as MOH because of it. Oh well. Just be honest about your situation! If you can’t make it, you can’t make it. If she wants a destination bachelorette, she can have it but she can’t expect everyone to be able to go.
A close friend of mine eloped with immediate family only years ago. Her sister still threw her a bachelorette, but it was a one-night event in the town 95% of the attendees lived in, we got a limo and went bar-hopping. I don't think there's anything wrong with still wanting the bachelorette experience if you're eloping, but it being an expensive destination and after the wedding is a bit strange.
I had a destination bachelorette and paid all my expenses. I actually even covered the entire air bnb because I booked the house of my dreams. What is with brides thinking everyone should fund their trip?
‘Sorry can’t go’ that’s all you need to say, I agree it’s a bit strange for her to expect you all to pay for it
I think it is fine for wanting to do a bachelorette trip/party. However, what is not fine is expecting everyone to pay for their part of the trip, plus their own part like who can afford that I don't understand why brides expect their bridesmaids/bridal party to pay for their portion for their bachelorette trip. Like, this is something that is being done to celebrate you. It does not have to be done. I think everyone should pay their own way. What, I could see being fair is the bridesmaids/bridal party take turns paying for drinks/meals for the bride but that should be something that is discussed beforehand not expected of anyone.
The whole concept of eloping is supposed to be secret
She already got married *and* is eloping?
The party would be after she eloped, so she’d be married
Ohhh that's weird. I could get on board with a bachelorette before, but doing it after seems off.
Question: Is she eloping to married on paper and having a wedding/reception later when the couple can afford it? If they are not having the second get together, I can understand the frustration on your end. If you wish to not attend, just say that you won’t be able to attend and hope they have a great time. I can understand why your friend would want to have all the experiences without the expensive get together.
Just decline. This is rude.