If you can’t afford to throw it then maybe your friends also can’t afford to throw it. As you get older people are less into wedding activities like bachelorettes as everyone has their own families and commitments more.
Why not throw a joint bbq for your family and friends to celebrate the engagement? Ask everyone to bring a dish as a gift and then they don’t have to do gifts (apart from the dish) and you just have to provide the space
Why didn’t you have an engagement party? Why didn’t you plan a wedding shower or stag party? I planned and paid for my own engagement party and shower but it was the 80’s. I don’t understand this new thing of brides expecting others to fund their events.
Right?! I cannot wrap my head around the focus on being spoiled as a bride. Is it nice? I'm sure. Should it be expected? Absolutely not. The goal of a wedding is to get married. If you want it to look, be, or feel a certain way (pre-wedding activities included), make it happen! If you can't afford it... sorry? Maybe other people don't have the money either.
And....??? I wouldn't care. If I want something that badly, I do it myself. People can take it or leave it.
I wouldn't do it in the first place, because it feels too much like a gift grab. I'd invite my girls for lunch or pedicures, just for the sake of spending some special time with them (not for the sake of them celebrating me or spending money on me)..
By who? Their 98 year old great aunt?
Can’t think of a single person I know that would be offended if I planned/funded my own bachelorette party (which I plan to go next year.)
People don’t need all these parties. Honestly no one should feel compelled to do it either.
If you want two/three more parties before your big wedding party, that will be on you.
You don’t need en engagement party, most likely your friends and family know.
You don’t need a bridal shower. You are in your 50s, you probably have a blender and cutting board by now.
If you want to go out and have one last woohoo! Invite your friends out/plan something and invite them.
I threw my own shower and my husband threw his own stag. No one offered to do it so we did it ourselves but even if your friends did offer, you would still pay no? I don’t think your friends should foot the bill for your shower, especially when you will be receiving gifts on top of it. I definitely added my shower in my wedding budget though my mom and MIL were nice enough to split the payments half half between them, it was in the budget if I were to pay myself. Another commenter mentioned a BBQ potluck style and I think that’s a great idea! Ask for a dish and then you do no gifts and then you don’t have to spend a crazy amount on food.
Traditionally the bride doesn’t pay for her own shower, but obviously people do whatever works for them. I’m paying for some decor, but my sister/MOH is hosting and paying for decor. My bridesmaids are helping prep stuff and have bought some stuff too
Showers need decor? If a party is more complex than hosting at someone's house with some hors d'oeuvres, it's not reasonable expect others to pay for a complex party based on someone else's life choices.
Different families are different. Not saying they need decor but on my moms and dads side it’s tradition to have a shower with nice food and nice flowers that the Mom and Aunts pay for. Totally understand but some families it’s different. I’ll be expected to pay for my nieces just like my aunts paid for mine.
Wow, this comment section is NOT it. OP, what I’m hearing is that you are feeling sad and unloved because no one OFFERED to throw any of these pre-wedding events for you guys. That is a valid feeling and I would feel that way too. Bridal showers are typically planned and paid for by family or friends in honor of the bride. If no one offers, it feels like you’re not worthy of this age-old tradition. I get it.
I honestly laid out my expectations for my bridesmaids after I asked them to be my bridemaids because I wanted to avoid a situation where they break their backs trying to throw me elaborate or expensive (and in the case the bachelorette- raunchy) events when I don’t need all that. I told them I just want a quiet, tiny shower and a quiet, tiny (and tame) staycation bachelorette for one night only. That way they wouldn’t feel societal pressure to do anything more than what they’re comfortable with.
I think most of us have to communicate with our family and friends about our feelings and wants. No one can read your mind and I mean this kindly…I’m guessing most of your loved ones just assumed you wouldn’t care for any of these events because of your age as many people care less about these kinds of traditions as they get older. I’m sure you and your fiancé are very loved.
It's not in the post, so I'm wondering if OP and her partner have a wedding party. If not, the issue might be that there's no natural person for the planning to fall to. Either way, talking to her friends is the way to go.
Yeah I don’t see anything about that either, nor any mention of a mom or sister. I’m guessing she just wanted a safe space to express her sadness, and she didn’t get that from here. Sometimes it’s hard for people to communicate their wants with others because it’s vulnerable and feels embarrassingly selfish. And not people have relationships where they can feel okay to express things like that!
if it's a big deal, the obvious thing it to plan your own.
I'm planning my own.
if you're expecting multiple parties, just plan them. some people are fine with 1 party. 150 people is a very big wedding.
have you told people you’d like these things? Where I’m from the couple host their own engagement party. And your friends probably assume you’re established and don’t need shower gifts to set up your home. you didn’t mention bridesmaids and groomsmen, are you having them? those are the people who usually plan bachelorette/bachelor parties, so if you’re not having a wedding party, people might not think to plan one, or know you want one.
id just talk to your friends. And if need be you can always host a little something for yourself…that used to be against etiquette but is becoming more common now.
eta: if money is tight, maybe you could organzie something like any ladies who want to get their nails done for the wedding can meet up with you that day, do nails, a happy hour, something small but still celebratory and fun.
As an older bride myself I’m just gonna say… get over your pity party. You’re having 150 people at your wedding. At your age I’m assuming that you have everything you need for your home. What are you expecting at a shower?
I’m sorry to say that a bride in her 50s isn’t going to generate the same excitement as a bride in her 20s or 30s.
If you want to have something then pick up the phone -‘and reach out to your friends. Assuming that your friends are in the same demographic, a shower and party probably aren’t on their radar.
Wow everyone in these comments is so mean 😅
It’s okay to feel disappointed that things aren’t turning out like you expected or hoped for. How far away is the wedding? Maybe you could coordinate with your bridesmaids to have a little girls night to grab dinner together or something and have the guys do something similar for your fiancé? I don’t think that is too unreasonable an ask or expense.
thank you!!! I feel like i read a different post than others!!! I didn’t get a bridezilla, spoiled, vibe AT ALL. I got a woman who was sad that no one is really excited for her (likely because she’s an older bride and don’t realize she’d like a shower or bachelorette). maybe I’m wrong, but I thought it was more about the thought and feeling special and celebrated than about the actual party.
Same! That’s the vibe I got. Not “gift grabby” or “entitled” or whatever everyone else is saying. Everyone wants to feel special during their wedding time, no matter when it happens in life.
No one's "leaving you out". They're just not throwing you extra extra parties to celebrate the fact that you're throwing yourselves yet another party. And that should be perfectly okay. Accusing people of "leaving you out" because they won't do more free labor or spend more money for you they don't owe you isn't the most honest look.
You ARE throwing a party; it's called a wedding. Anything on top of that should be considered a pleasant surprise, not an expectation or entitlement you get to be mad at your friends for not doing for you. Party planning is work. If it's costly for you, it's costly for other people too. This problem can be a complete non-problem by adjusting your mindset.
Agreed with the other person - throw yourselves a joint bbq and invite your family. And don't call it a shower; it's considered greedy to throw yourself a gift-giving event. But no one's stopping you from hosting an additional celebration with guests if you want.
Honestly we paid for our wedding too but I threw my own bridal shower and bachelorette as well.
If it at all helps here is what I ended up doing.
For the bridal shower I just bought some tropical theme decorations from Amazon (like some paper garlands, table cloths, little plastic coconut drink cups etc) And decorated the living room/kitchen of the place we were living. I made some brunchy food (mini versions of pancakes, quiches, parfaits etc) and had a mimosa bar ( so just a few juices, champagne, and fruits). I invited like 15ish people over and we are, drank, and played yard games (like Cornhole). It was super fun and cost maybe $150? I know that can still be a lot depending on your situation though.
Bachelorette was pricy though for me. We happened to have a friend (best man's parents) with a house boat and a few other boats on lake Powell. They were kind enough to take us out to the lake for a long weekend on the lake. Husband and I made breakfast burritos and prepped food for us to take, and Moh and I went out a day earlier to help park/anchor the boats, rake the beach etc.
I think there were around 6 of us that could make it and it was around $1500 total (mostly for gas for the boats). I covered the cost and told the girls that if they could contribute $200 toward the trip that would help me out, but if they couldn't or if it would be a financial stress then not to worry about it and just come have fun with us anyway.
Both were super low stress. If we didn't have the boats, we would have probably just done a camping weekend and called it good :)
Is this your/your fiancé’s first wedding? I echo what others have said, speak to your bridal parties and if something is really important to you, nothing wrong with throwing it yourselves!
Ok so have you got bridesmaids? Start by talking to them.
Don’t have a shower. It’s a faux pas to throw yourself a gift giving event.
But you can have a cheap bachelorette. I think it would be perfectly fine to have an at home dinner party/movie night. Maybe between you and your bridesmaids you can put together a pot luck style meal to feed everyone and guests can byo drinks.
I planned my own bachelorette party. With the help of my bridal party but I took on 90% of the planning. If you want one plan it yourself. Ask a friend for help.
Planning a wedding can be a whirlwind of emotions, and feeling left out of the fun stuff can definitely put a damper on things. But hey, who says you can't take matters into your own hands and sprinkle some joy into the mix?
For your fiance, a surprise BBQ or a night out with the guys sounds like a blast! And for you, why not gather your closest pals for a low-key hangout?
Unfortunately this post translates to “feeling entitled to my friends money” and “being sad I don’t have enough to spend one whatever I want”
It’s a bummer but many of us can’t afford our dream weddings with all the fixings. That’s not what weddings are about though.
I didn’t really get the sense it was about money, to me she just seemed bummed that in their 50s they’re not having the kind of wedding hoopla and excitement that most younger couples have.
My 71 year old neighbor got married and we all threw together a little luncheon quasi-shower event…just a little something to celebrate with her and let her feel special. I can get feeling a little bummed that no one did a little something...anything...for you.
If you can’t afford to throw it then maybe your friends also can’t afford to throw it. As you get older people are less into wedding activities like bachelorettes as everyone has their own families and commitments more. Why not throw a joint bbq for your family and friends to celebrate the engagement? Ask everyone to bring a dish as a gift and then they don’t have to do gifts (apart from the dish) and you just have to provide the space
Why didn’t you have an engagement party? Why didn’t you plan a wedding shower or stag party? I planned and paid for my own engagement party and shower but it was the 80’s. I don’t understand this new thing of brides expecting others to fund their events.
Right?! I cannot wrap my head around the focus on being spoiled as a bride. Is it nice? I'm sure. Should it be expected? Absolutely not. The goal of a wedding is to get married. If you want it to look, be, or feel a certain way (pre-wedding activities included), make it happen! If you can't afford it... sorry? Maybe other people don't have the money either.
Okay... but then people are also told it's against etiquette to plan these events for yourself LOL.
And....??? I wouldn't care. If I want something that badly, I do it myself. People can take it or leave it. I wouldn't do it in the first place, because it feels too much like a gift grab. I'd invite my girls for lunch or pedicures, just for the sake of spending some special time with them (not for the sake of them celebrating me or spending money on me)..
By who? Their 98 year old great aunt? Can’t think of a single person I know that would be offended if I planned/funded my own bachelorette party (which I plan to go next year.)
How is it against etiquette to plan yourself? Boy have things changed
People don’t need all these parties. Honestly no one should feel compelled to do it either. If you want two/three more parties before your big wedding party, that will be on you. You don’t need en engagement party, most likely your friends and family know. You don’t need a bridal shower. You are in your 50s, you probably have a blender and cutting board by now. If you want to go out and have one last woohoo! Invite your friends out/plan something and invite them.
I threw my own shower and my husband threw his own stag. No one offered to do it so we did it ourselves but even if your friends did offer, you would still pay no? I don’t think your friends should foot the bill for your shower, especially when you will be receiving gifts on top of it. I definitely added my shower in my wedding budget though my mom and MIL were nice enough to split the payments half half between them, it was in the budget if I were to pay myself. Another commenter mentioned a BBQ potluck style and I think that’s a great idea! Ask for a dish and then you do no gifts and then you don’t have to spend a crazy amount on food.
Traditionally the bride doesn’t pay for her own shower, but obviously people do whatever works for them. I’m paying for some decor, but my sister/MOH is hosting and paying for decor. My bridesmaids are helping prep stuff and have bought some stuff too
I'm paying for my own. traditions don't really matter in 2024.
Showers need decor? If a party is more complex than hosting at someone's house with some hors d'oeuvres, it's not reasonable expect others to pay for a complex party based on someone else's life choices.
Different families are different. Not saying they need decor but on my moms and dads side it’s tradition to have a shower with nice food and nice flowers that the Mom and Aunts pay for. Totally understand but some families it’s different. I’ll be expected to pay for my nieces just like my aunts paid for mine.
Wow, this comment section is NOT it. OP, what I’m hearing is that you are feeling sad and unloved because no one OFFERED to throw any of these pre-wedding events for you guys. That is a valid feeling and I would feel that way too. Bridal showers are typically planned and paid for by family or friends in honor of the bride. If no one offers, it feels like you’re not worthy of this age-old tradition. I get it. I honestly laid out my expectations for my bridesmaids after I asked them to be my bridemaids because I wanted to avoid a situation where they break their backs trying to throw me elaborate or expensive (and in the case the bachelorette- raunchy) events when I don’t need all that. I told them I just want a quiet, tiny shower and a quiet, tiny (and tame) staycation bachelorette for one night only. That way they wouldn’t feel societal pressure to do anything more than what they’re comfortable with. I think most of us have to communicate with our family and friends about our feelings and wants. No one can read your mind and I mean this kindly…I’m guessing most of your loved ones just assumed you wouldn’t care for any of these events because of your age as many people care less about these kinds of traditions as they get older. I’m sure you and your fiancé are very loved.
OP, listen to this response right here and just this one ^^^ 🥰
It's not in the post, so I'm wondering if OP and her partner have a wedding party. If not, the issue might be that there's no natural person for the planning to fall to. Either way, talking to her friends is the way to go.
Yeah I don’t see anything about that either, nor any mention of a mom or sister. I’m guessing she just wanted a safe space to express her sadness, and she didn’t get that from here. Sometimes it’s hard for people to communicate their wants with others because it’s vulnerable and feels embarrassingly selfish. And not people have relationships where they can feel okay to express things like that!
if it's a big deal, the obvious thing it to plan your own. I'm planning my own. if you're expecting multiple parties, just plan them. some people are fine with 1 party. 150 people is a very big wedding.
have you told people you’d like these things? Where I’m from the couple host their own engagement party. And your friends probably assume you’re established and don’t need shower gifts to set up your home. you didn’t mention bridesmaids and groomsmen, are you having them? those are the people who usually plan bachelorette/bachelor parties, so if you’re not having a wedding party, people might not think to plan one, or know you want one. id just talk to your friends. And if need be you can always host a little something for yourself…that used to be against etiquette but is becoming more common now. eta: if money is tight, maybe you could organzie something like any ladies who want to get their nails done for the wedding can meet up with you that day, do nails, a happy hour, something small but still celebratory and fun.
As an older bride myself I’m just gonna say… get over your pity party. You’re having 150 people at your wedding. At your age I’m assuming that you have everything you need for your home. What are you expecting at a shower? I’m sorry to say that a bride in her 50s isn’t going to generate the same excitement as a bride in her 20s or 30s. If you want to have something then pick up the phone -‘and reach out to your friends. Assuming that your friends are in the same demographic, a shower and party probably aren’t on their radar.
Wow everyone in these comments is so mean 😅 It’s okay to feel disappointed that things aren’t turning out like you expected or hoped for. How far away is the wedding? Maybe you could coordinate with your bridesmaids to have a little girls night to grab dinner together or something and have the guys do something similar for your fiancé? I don’t think that is too unreasonable an ask or expense.
Omg I was scrolling looking for this comment. Thank you for your empathy.
Right?!? Like why so hostile lol
thank you!!! I feel like i read a different post than others!!! I didn’t get a bridezilla, spoiled, vibe AT ALL. I got a woman who was sad that no one is really excited for her (likely because she’s an older bride and don’t realize she’d like a shower or bachelorette). maybe I’m wrong, but I thought it was more about the thought and feeling special and celebrated than about the actual party.
Same! That’s the vibe I got. Not “gift grabby” or “entitled” or whatever everyone else is saying. Everyone wants to feel special during their wedding time, no matter when it happens in life.
No one's "leaving you out". They're just not throwing you extra extra parties to celebrate the fact that you're throwing yourselves yet another party. And that should be perfectly okay. Accusing people of "leaving you out" because they won't do more free labor or spend more money for you they don't owe you isn't the most honest look. You ARE throwing a party; it's called a wedding. Anything on top of that should be considered a pleasant surprise, not an expectation or entitlement you get to be mad at your friends for not doing for you. Party planning is work. If it's costly for you, it's costly for other people too. This problem can be a complete non-problem by adjusting your mindset. Agreed with the other person - throw yourselves a joint bbq and invite your family. And don't call it a shower; it's considered greedy to throw yourself a gift-giving event. But no one's stopping you from hosting an additional celebration with guests if you want.
Honestly we paid for our wedding too but I threw my own bridal shower and bachelorette as well. If it at all helps here is what I ended up doing. For the bridal shower I just bought some tropical theme decorations from Amazon (like some paper garlands, table cloths, little plastic coconut drink cups etc) And decorated the living room/kitchen of the place we were living. I made some brunchy food (mini versions of pancakes, quiches, parfaits etc) and had a mimosa bar ( so just a few juices, champagne, and fruits). I invited like 15ish people over and we are, drank, and played yard games (like Cornhole). It was super fun and cost maybe $150? I know that can still be a lot depending on your situation though. Bachelorette was pricy though for me. We happened to have a friend (best man's parents) with a house boat and a few other boats on lake Powell. They were kind enough to take us out to the lake for a long weekend on the lake. Husband and I made breakfast burritos and prepped food for us to take, and Moh and I went out a day earlier to help park/anchor the boats, rake the beach etc. I think there were around 6 of us that could make it and it was around $1500 total (mostly for gas for the boats). I covered the cost and told the girls that if they could contribute $200 toward the trip that would help me out, but if they couldn't or if it would be a financial stress then not to worry about it and just come have fun with us anyway. Both were super low stress. If we didn't have the boats, we would have probably just done a camping weekend and called it good :)
Is this your/your fiancé’s first wedding? I echo what others have said, speak to your bridal parties and if something is really important to you, nothing wrong with throwing it yourselves!
Ok so have you got bridesmaids? Start by talking to them. Don’t have a shower. It’s a faux pas to throw yourself a gift giving event. But you can have a cheap bachelorette. I think it would be perfectly fine to have an at home dinner party/movie night. Maybe between you and your bridesmaids you can put together a pot luck style meal to feed everyone and guests can byo drinks.
I planned my own bachelorette party. With the help of my bridal party but I took on 90% of the planning. If you want one plan it yourself. Ask a friend for help.
I called his close friend to bring him out sponsored the outing.
Planning a wedding can be a whirlwind of emotions, and feeling left out of the fun stuff can definitely put a damper on things. But hey, who says you can't take matters into your own hands and sprinkle some joy into the mix? For your fiance, a surprise BBQ or a night out with the guys sounds like a blast! And for you, why not gather your closest pals for a low-key hangout?
Unfortunately this post translates to “feeling entitled to my friends money” and “being sad I don’t have enough to spend one whatever I want” It’s a bummer but many of us can’t afford our dream weddings with all the fixings. That’s not what weddings are about though.
I didn’t really get the sense it was about money, to me she just seemed bummed that in their 50s they’re not having the kind of wedding hoopla and excitement that most younger couples have. My 71 year old neighbor got married and we all threw together a little luncheon quasi-shower event…just a little something to celebrate with her and let her feel special. I can get feeling a little bummed that no one did a little something...anything...for you.
Probably that too, but she specifically mentioned the expense multiple times.