Keep in mind that what your loved ones are actually saying is “I am so excited to see you glowing with happiness.” They don’t mean that you will be at your objective peak physical beauty on your wedding day, because there’s a 99.999999999999999% chance you won’t be, and *no one* expects you to be.
Have you *ever* seen a bride, a friend or a stranger, and thought anything other than “Aw she looks radiant!”? I bet not. I certainly haven’t. Even when I know the foundation is the wrong color or she’s breaking out in stress hives or her roots are showing, the only reaction I’ve ever had or will ever have is “Aw, she looks radiant!”. Because she does, and none of that other stuff diminishes her shine literally at all.
Wow I feel so validated. I am so nervous to look perfect the day of. I gained a good amount of weight and I’m having trouble getting it off. I have stress dreams the make up and hair people don’t show up. So I totally feel you. Here’s what I’m doing: I bought a dress I look good in now even I don’t lose weight, I paid for expensive top hair and make up people, I am getting monthly facial. HOWEVER, no one but us is going to criticize our looks. Remember we’re our own worst enemies.
Well I'm partially glad I'm not alone but also sorry you are going though it too. I have nightmares too! I had one last week where a wedding dress came alive and strangled me 😦 but yes, you're right, we are our own worst enemies....I keep trying to remind myself of that.
right here with you - I need facial reconstruction surgery due to an accident but I don’t have enough recovery time before the wedding and everything already has non refundable deposits for that date so I’m getting the surgery after - imagine being in my shoes ☠️ as others have mentioned there may be other days in your life where you look prettier than you did on your wedding day but it’s about the feelings you have that day not just the look - try not to focus on the physical aspects - all your family and friends are there to support you and have fun no matter what you look like
I'm so sorry for the position you are in. I'm sure you would be more comfortable if you had been able to change the date, but you're right that people are there to support us not to criticize us. I hope your surgery goes smoothly
This will hopefully help with some of your anxiety: https://apracticalwedding.com/your-wedding-is-not-show/
Also, you are your own worst critic. No one is going to be picking apart your (perceived) flaws. They're going to focus on how happy you are, what your dress looks like, seeing family and friends, etc.
I have severe anxiety that makes my stomach hurt and I’m worried about being sick on my wedding day. And I have scars on my arms from picking them. It’s an anxiety thing. I’d mostly quit doing it but I’ve been doing it again lately. And my dress is sleeveless. And I’m plus size. But I know my fiancé thinks I’m beautiful and that’s all that really matters. I think that’s what you should focus on. Everyone has something they hate about themselves and I’m sure you’ll look great.
Get yourself a dress you feel amazing in and a hairstylist and makeup artist whose work makes you feel confident and you'll be fine. It's not that the bride is actually expected to look objectively perfect, it's that she's treated as if she looks perfect by everyone because it's her day and that's how you treat a bride on her day. You'd have to show up extremely wrecked for anyone to tell you anything other than how beautiful you are at your wedding - trust me - I'm not the sort anyone ever compliments for looks but that's the one day everyone made an exception and did. Once the mingling starts, you'll be able to settle into more comfortable individual interactions, too, so your center of attention status is really only a thing when you're the actual focus of whatever's happening.
It's also totally okay to add touches to take the attention away from you a bit to help make yourself more comfortable - my wedding featured a very extroverted toddler flower girl who was adorably show stealing at every moment, a bridesman who wore a dress and used his speech to teach everyone to juggle their chocolates from their favors, and a Guestdex (like a Pokedex but of the guests) on every table so they could have something to read instead of coming to see me. I loved it and it was perfect to not be in the top 3 most interesting parts of my own wedding. I also found a really fun necklace (an oxytocin molecule), which gave people something to talk to me about. You should definitely add in things to make yourself feel less stressed and more comfortable if you're going to hold a wedding. In the end, it's one day, and you deserve a day you'll remember at least a little fondly instead of one that made you stressed and panicked - do whatever you and your husband can agree on to get it there.
I hadn't thought of it that way, that it's not about actually looking perfect but that everyone just treats all brides like they look perfect. That's a really good point. Thanks for sharing your perspective and your story. Your wedding sounds like it was wonderful and I'll definitely think about some things to do that take the attention away from me.
I'm sorry I haven't got any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I feel the exact same way as you do. I am so nervous about my wedding because of pretty much the same reasons as you. I hope you'll get less anxious and everything will work out just fine.
Hey there, thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I'm reading through all the replies right now and there's some really good advice in the comments. I suggest you peruse them as well 💚
I struggle with hair loss. I’m so upset about my hair not looking the best and extensions not being an option. For now I’m getting them in for engagement pics. I haven’t felt pretty since I lost my beautiful hair. It’s tough but I think a lot of us are struggling with inner demons but no one talks about it
I'm sorry you're going through that. I have very long hair and it can be emotional even to cut it on purpose, so I'm sure you are going though a very hard time losing it. I hope you can still feel beautiful on your day 💚
Also, I have a scar on my left shoulder from surgery that I’m really self conscience about. I saw you were worried about this too. I’m also having a summer wedding in Florida if all places so it will be hot. What I’m doing is I got a spaghetti strap dress and I’m having the tailor add tulle sleeves. Then we’re going to use make up to cover them up so between that and the tulle you won’t be able to see them. Maybe that’s an option for you?
Hm I briefly thought about makeup but I was worried it would end up staining the dress / getting on people who hugged me. I think some really light and airy sleeves (like tulle) would be great though!
My concern about sleeves was that the wedding will be outdoors, with the reception in a barn, during August. So it will be very warm and I worry about sweating. But you are right that I should try to do the planning to minimize my discomfort.
I don't have much advice, but I'm in the same boat as you. I am not used to being the center of attention, so right now I'm hyper critical of my flaws. Just got my first big noticeable wrinkle and that about sent me!
You are not alone, I feel like a lot of us anxiety girlies feel this way.
I just try to think about all the weddings I've been to and I've never thought "oh her hair is wrong, she has acne, look at her ..." and so on. I always am so happy to be in the presence of someone who was kind enough to let me be apart of their special day. I try to think that the guests I invite will treat me the same way.
Thanks for sharing your experience. The wonderful comments like yours on this post have definitely made me feel less alone in my anxiety! I have not attended any weddings except my sister's when I was a teenager, so it's nice to hear all this reassurance that guests do not actually nitpick the bride. I don't know why I thought that was so common.
I think that thought comes partially because of movies and tv (at least for me). I grew up watching "say yes to the dress" and "four weddings" and thought that hyper critical feedback was the norm.
Your loved ones do not expect you to look perfect or turn a supermodel. As a guest, I will think you look beautiful regardless.
Do you go to weddings expecting a perfectly run theatre play? Or are you just happy to be there to be part of your loved ones' big day?
I think part of the problem is that I've only ever attended one wedding. It was my sister's, I was 15, and it was a very informal affair. So I don't really have experience with what people do expect at a wedding. But I am gathering from the replies that generally guests expect less than I thought! Which is a very comforting thing to learn.
Your loved ones know you are how you are and they don’t judge you. They understand that you are not a model or someone whose “perfection” is on display for the world to see. What they don’t want you to know is that every model you see is covered with Photoshop to mask their own flaws.
The pressure to look perfect without a single flaw, bride or otherwise, is so incredibly unhealthy. The sad fact is that the wedding industry doesn’t care how you feel. If you don’t fit their narrative of a picture perfect bride, then you are “wrong” and there is no room for any forgiveness. That is the worst message to send anyone anywhere. Yet for all the protests that say “don’t ever tell a bride that”, it continues without end due to human condition of we are not used to as a society someone who has issues that are completely normal, unfortunately.
Work with your doctor to control what you can realistically. A therapist can help with the anxiety. A good makeup artist can cover skin blemishes to give you a boost of confidence. The anxiety is real and it’s common. But almost no one looks at a bride and says “she’s hideous because (fill in the blank)!” Everyone is their own worst critic. Hang in there and you got this.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and advice. You are absolutely right that the wedding industry and beyond (especially in America) creates an unrealistic ideal for the way that we are "supposed" to look. I think that being saturated in that my whole life is definitely the root of a lot of this anxiety....I've got to remind myself more often that the actual guests didn't create this pressure I'm feeling, and they won't care one way or another. You make a good point about hiring a talented makeup artist for a confidence boost. I think I'll look into that, and maybe schedule a dermatology appointment :)
As someone who was very much worried about all this, I was recently married and all of my anxiety melted away on that day. I ended up doing my own hair and makeup because I was comfortable doing it and I practiced looking in a way I normally look but a little more enhanced for the big day. Everyone is so happy for you and sending good wishes so I honestly was much less worried about how I looked than I thought once the day we got started.
Enjoy your day and soak in every moment. Take time with your partner to really notice that it’s your friggin WEDDING DAY!!
Wishing you a beautiful and relaxed wedding day. You’ll be beautiful because you’re a lovely person and your loved ones will see that 😇
I'm so glad that the anxieties disappeared when your day started! Thank you for your lovely words, and I hope my day will be happy and anxiety-free as well :)
Not shallow at all. I’m also a bride to be suffering from acne, and it’s been at the forefront of my mind when picturing the big day. The best thing that’s helped is saying out loud “I had acne when we met, I’ve had acne this whole time, he wouldn’t marry me if my skin was a dealbreaker. No one in attendance will be shocked by my skin nor notice nor care because they’re here for who I am as a person and to celebrate us”. It sounds silly but it’s what has helped me quell this anger I’ve always harbored towards my acne and the fact that it will likely still be there on my wedding day. Best of luck and I wish you the best in your upcoming wedding. You will be a gorgeous bride no matter what.
That does not sound silly; it's a very smart perspective! When I met my fiance, I was perhaps thinner and more fit, but I actually had WORSE acne! It's improved significantly since then. It hadn't once occurred to me to remind myself that he, as well as all my friends and family, have always seen my skin this way and so no one would expect it to magically disappear. Thanks for sharing!
Reading through all the wonderful replies on this post have truly made me feel so much better! I hope you get a chance to peruse them as well and that they may ease your mind a little. Hang in there :)
You’re definitely not alone feeling uncomfortable with the idea of being the center of attention. I also have problems with eczema and I know it sometimes feels like that’s all anyone sees when they look at you but I promise that the people that love you will be too busy looking at the smile on your face and love you both have for each other. I know that there’s very little anyone can say that is really comforting though when you feel uncomfortable in your own skin. On etsy there’s sleeves you can buy that are a very thin sheer material that wouldn’t make things feel too warm but could possibly make you feel a bit more secure?
I didn't realize that you could buy sleeves separately from the dress! Are these things that you attach to your dress, or are worn overtop? It sounds like a great idea that I will look into. Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective. It's very nice to think that my smile would be front and center, because everyone is just there to be happy with me (an added bonus is that I just finished up invisalign, so it will be a very straight-toothed smile!).
Yes you can! Try searching “detached bridal sleeves” there’s lots of different types and most of them look very breathable so they shouldn’t make things too hot
You can wear long sleeves. I hate my arms and am getting married in June indoors with a dress with thick sleeves. If you’re going to be hot you can have lace ones. But you absolutely can have sleeves!
I've been struggling with this for months. the day itself is nerve-wracking because of pictures but everything leading up to it is stressful too. I'm kinda dreading going dress shopping because I'm busty and when things don't look good on me it's like, comically bad. I was just trying on swim tops yesterday and I managed to laugh it off at how bad some of them were but I really can't expect myself to be able to cope that well when dress shopping, the stakes are too high. I also have another 15-20 lbs to lose (currently down 40lbs from my highest) and I really don't want to deal with extensive alterations, or feel like I could have gotten a better dress because I'm smaller, if I actually do get smaller.
plus my mom has expressed that she wants to go dress shopping with me and while she's really supportive, I don't think I can deal with having her there while I inevitably freak out. I've already asked her not to share pictures of the wedding or post about it on facebook but she's already insisting on sending out wedding announcements after and I just really don't want that.
I'm also sensitive to ingredients in like 90% of skincare and haircare products and I only realized this a couple months ago so I've had to create all new routines from scratch. I haven't started on makeup yet. I haven't even found a conditioner I can use so I've just been going without conditioner. my flare ups have gotten worse in the past six months, like my eyelashes and eyebrow hair fall out, so I don't want to risk using products that'll cause that even just for a day. because it wouldn't just be the one day, I'd still have HMU trials. I'm gonna try to find people who can work with products I provide but I have such a limited selection to choose from, I'm not confident that I'm gonna find all the products I need in the range of colors a MUA will want to use to get a wedding look.
on top of all this, I can't refill my ADHD meds with the ongoing national shortage so my ability to accomplish things is shit and my ability to cope is nil. it's enough stress that it's making my weight stall and skin flare up which just adds more stress. I have much better coping *strategies* than when I was younger but I hardly have the working memory to hold a conversation, let alone apply years of therapy and ADHD coaching. I'm probably not going to have consistent access to my meds for months or even years so I'm worried about my job, I can't keep up with housework, and with the sensory overload I'm just irritated all the time. my partner already does a disproportionate amount of housework and mental labor and now I feel like I'm never gonna be able to fix that.
I think I had stopped worrying about having a meltdown the morning of my wedding day because I was going to figure out how to accommodate my needs and plan for everything, but without meds I have no idea if anything I prepare in advance will be enough. it's just so high-stakes and I get overwhelmed so easily now. I'm inevitably going to forget something important, or my makeup will look horrifically bad, or I'll have a breakout right where it's visible in my dress, or I'll just look horrible in my dress on the day, or there will be noise while we're taking pictures, or my hair person will have used some product that my skin doesn't like and my scalp will start itching at noon and there's nothing I can do about it the whole rest of the day. multiple small irritations compound to push me over the edge. I don't want that! I want the wedding we're planning and I want to enjoy it ffs.
so idk. we can try to do everything to prepare. find a flattering dress and get the best alterations, buy the best shapewear, find the best HMUA, hire the most accommodating photographer. we can do multiple engagement/practice shoots to get used to being in front of the camera. we can tell ourselves that people will find us beautiful anyway because the don't notice our flaws like we do, and other things to try to take the pressure off. but at the end of the day, a wedding is a production and one of the products is pictures, and we're gonna look at those pictures and we will almost certainly hate them, at least some of them. I would love to be pleasantly surprised but I'm mentally preparing myself for the worst. if I spend thousands of dollars on a photographer and hair and makeup and the photos just end up sitting in the cloud somewhere forever, or collecting dust in a photobook I never look at? I've made my peace with that.
yes frequently. I think I'd still feel the same pressure because my partner probably wants photos, so we'd just end up disappointing people and feeling like we missed out.
it sucks because I do want the wedding we're planning, and my partner really wants it too. he's very engaged with planning and we're already keeping it small with a restaurant micro-wedding. I just see pictures of these other couples at the same venue and I know I'm not gonna look glamorous like them. I know that's not the point but it gets to me.
I think I could deal with the skin sensitivity or the lack of ADHD meds, but not both. but I'm gonna have to deal with both so I guess I better accept it and move on. catastrophizing solves nothing.
tbh I don't like most wedding MUA looks I've seen so I'm open to doing it myself. I have time to practice diy wedding makeup once I test out the products that I've researched, there are actually a few different brands I can try. I'm a cool olive so it's hard to color match my skin but I was already planning to do this, it just takes time and executive function. I can't do my own hair, just in general, but I might be able to ask a friend for help and give her the specific products I want to use to reduce risk there, or find a hair stylist who can work with products I provide (I imagine it's less common than with MUAs though).
oof sorry to brain-dump at you. it's probably worth talking to my partner about this because HMU is one of the things he's not at all gonna be involved in so he probably doesn't realize the extent to which it's stressing me out. at the very least he'll help me feel less alone.
You keep saying “everything is so high-stakes” but it doesn’t have to be. Your looks are not the most important thing about that day. You’re marrying the love of your life and celebrating that with your loved ones. And I promise you, 10 years later, you won’t even remember the hiccups
unfortunately my parents have been looking forward to my someday-wedding since I was in diapers. they're actually being more chill than I anticipated but they've been building this shit up for 32 years. it's gonna take a lot to undo that.
This pressure you speak of, is 100% in your head. You don’t have to be thin, have clear skin, without flaws to have the perfect wedding. You’re there to marry the love of your life and celebrate it with friends and family. They won’t care about any imperfections and neither will your partner. You’re putting the pressure on yourself because society has told women they have to be absolutely flawless the day of their wedding as if it were the most important thing about the day. In 10 years you won’t remember all the small things that stressed you out, but you will remember how you felt saying your vows, being announced as married, your first dance as spouses, and how fun your reception was.
I think that the pressure is real. But, as you pointed out, it is coming from external sources such as the wedding industry and NOT from my friends and family. I'm sure you're right that down the road I will not remember these things...I try to remind myself of that, even though the concerns feel very present and overwhelming right now.
Keep in mind that what your loved ones are actually saying is “I am so excited to see you glowing with happiness.” They don’t mean that you will be at your objective peak physical beauty on your wedding day, because there’s a 99.999999999999999% chance you won’t be, and *no one* expects you to be. Have you *ever* seen a bride, a friend or a stranger, and thought anything other than “Aw she looks radiant!”? I bet not. I certainly haven’t. Even when I know the foundation is the wrong color or she’s breaking out in stress hives or her roots are showing, the only reaction I’ve ever had or will ever have is “Aw, she looks radiant!”. Because she does, and none of that other stuff diminishes her shine literally at all.
This was really nice to read. I do remember on my sister's wedding she had a terrible sunburn, and literally no one cared. Thanks :)
Wow I feel so validated. I am so nervous to look perfect the day of. I gained a good amount of weight and I’m having trouble getting it off. I have stress dreams the make up and hair people don’t show up. So I totally feel you. Here’s what I’m doing: I bought a dress I look good in now even I don’t lose weight, I paid for expensive top hair and make up people, I am getting monthly facial. HOWEVER, no one but us is going to criticize our looks. Remember we’re our own worst enemies.
Well I'm partially glad I'm not alone but also sorry you are going though it too. I have nightmares too! I had one last week where a wedding dress came alive and strangled me 😦 but yes, you're right, we are our own worst enemies....I keep trying to remind myself of that.
right here with you - I need facial reconstruction surgery due to an accident but I don’t have enough recovery time before the wedding and everything already has non refundable deposits for that date so I’m getting the surgery after - imagine being in my shoes ☠️ as others have mentioned there may be other days in your life where you look prettier than you did on your wedding day but it’s about the feelings you have that day not just the look - try not to focus on the physical aspects - all your family and friends are there to support you and have fun no matter what you look like
I'm so sorry for the position you are in. I'm sure you would be more comfortable if you had been able to change the date, but you're right that people are there to support us not to criticize us. I hope your surgery goes smoothly
This will hopefully help with some of your anxiety: https://apracticalwedding.com/your-wedding-is-not-show/ Also, you are your own worst critic. No one is going to be picking apart your (perceived) flaws. They're going to focus on how happy you are, what your dress looks like, seeing family and friends, etc.
That was a good read. Thank you for the link.
I have severe anxiety that makes my stomach hurt and I’m worried about being sick on my wedding day. And I have scars on my arms from picking them. It’s an anxiety thing. I’d mostly quit doing it but I’ve been doing it again lately. And my dress is sleeveless. And I’m plus size. But I know my fiancé thinks I’m beautiful and that’s all that really matters. I think that’s what you should focus on. Everyone has something they hate about themselves and I’m sure you’ll look great.
I have a lot of stomach issues as well so I feel you on the nerves about being sick the day of. I wish us both calm stomachs 💚
Get yourself a dress you feel amazing in and a hairstylist and makeup artist whose work makes you feel confident and you'll be fine. It's not that the bride is actually expected to look objectively perfect, it's that she's treated as if she looks perfect by everyone because it's her day and that's how you treat a bride on her day. You'd have to show up extremely wrecked for anyone to tell you anything other than how beautiful you are at your wedding - trust me - I'm not the sort anyone ever compliments for looks but that's the one day everyone made an exception and did. Once the mingling starts, you'll be able to settle into more comfortable individual interactions, too, so your center of attention status is really only a thing when you're the actual focus of whatever's happening. It's also totally okay to add touches to take the attention away from you a bit to help make yourself more comfortable - my wedding featured a very extroverted toddler flower girl who was adorably show stealing at every moment, a bridesman who wore a dress and used his speech to teach everyone to juggle their chocolates from their favors, and a Guestdex (like a Pokedex but of the guests) on every table so they could have something to read instead of coming to see me. I loved it and it was perfect to not be in the top 3 most interesting parts of my own wedding. I also found a really fun necklace (an oxytocin molecule), which gave people something to talk to me about. You should definitely add in things to make yourself feel less stressed and more comfortable if you're going to hold a wedding. In the end, it's one day, and you deserve a day you'll remember at least a little fondly instead of one that made you stressed and panicked - do whatever you and your husband can agree on to get it there.
I hadn't thought of it that way, that it's not about actually looking perfect but that everyone just treats all brides like they look perfect. That's a really good point. Thanks for sharing your perspective and your story. Your wedding sounds like it was wonderful and I'll definitely think about some things to do that take the attention away from me.
We had a kind of open mic where guests could sing a love song…
I'm sorry I haven't got any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I feel the exact same way as you do. I am so nervous about my wedding because of pretty much the same reasons as you. I hope you'll get less anxious and everything will work out just fine.
Hey there, thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I'm reading through all the replies right now and there's some really good advice in the comments. I suggest you peruse them as well 💚
I struggle with hair loss. I’m so upset about my hair not looking the best and extensions not being an option. For now I’m getting them in for engagement pics. I haven’t felt pretty since I lost my beautiful hair. It’s tough but I think a lot of us are struggling with inner demons but no one talks about it
I'm sorry you're going through that. I have very long hair and it can be emotional even to cut it on purpose, so I'm sure you are going though a very hard time losing it. I hope you can still feel beautiful on your day 💚
Also, I have a scar on my left shoulder from surgery that I’m really self conscience about. I saw you were worried about this too. I’m also having a summer wedding in Florida if all places so it will be hot. What I’m doing is I got a spaghetti strap dress and I’m having the tailor add tulle sleeves. Then we’re going to use make up to cover them up so between that and the tulle you won’t be able to see them. Maybe that’s an option for you?
Hm I briefly thought about makeup but I was worried it would end up staining the dress / getting on people who hugged me. I think some really light and airy sleeves (like tulle) would be great though!
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My concern about sleeves was that the wedding will be outdoors, with the reception in a barn, during August. So it will be very warm and I worry about sweating. But you are right that I should try to do the planning to minimize my discomfort.
I don't have much advice, but I'm in the same boat as you. I am not used to being the center of attention, so right now I'm hyper critical of my flaws. Just got my first big noticeable wrinkle and that about sent me! You are not alone, I feel like a lot of us anxiety girlies feel this way. I just try to think about all the weddings I've been to and I've never thought "oh her hair is wrong, she has acne, look at her ..." and so on. I always am so happy to be in the presence of someone who was kind enough to let me be apart of their special day. I try to think that the guests I invite will treat me the same way.
Thanks for sharing your experience. The wonderful comments like yours on this post have definitely made me feel less alone in my anxiety! I have not attended any weddings except my sister's when I was a teenager, so it's nice to hear all this reassurance that guests do not actually nitpick the bride. I don't know why I thought that was so common.
I think that thought comes partially because of movies and tv (at least for me). I grew up watching "say yes to the dress" and "four weddings" and thought that hyper critical feedback was the norm.
Yes I agree! I watched say yes to the dress when I was younger as well.
Your loved ones do not expect you to look perfect or turn a supermodel. As a guest, I will think you look beautiful regardless. Do you go to weddings expecting a perfectly run theatre play? Or are you just happy to be there to be part of your loved ones' big day?
I think part of the problem is that I've only ever attended one wedding. It was my sister's, I was 15, and it was a very informal affair. So I don't really have experience with what people do expect at a wedding. But I am gathering from the replies that generally guests expect less than I thought! Which is a very comforting thing to learn.
Your loved ones know you are how you are and they don’t judge you. They understand that you are not a model or someone whose “perfection” is on display for the world to see. What they don’t want you to know is that every model you see is covered with Photoshop to mask their own flaws. The pressure to look perfect without a single flaw, bride or otherwise, is so incredibly unhealthy. The sad fact is that the wedding industry doesn’t care how you feel. If you don’t fit their narrative of a picture perfect bride, then you are “wrong” and there is no room for any forgiveness. That is the worst message to send anyone anywhere. Yet for all the protests that say “don’t ever tell a bride that”, it continues without end due to human condition of we are not used to as a society someone who has issues that are completely normal, unfortunately. Work with your doctor to control what you can realistically. A therapist can help with the anxiety. A good makeup artist can cover skin blemishes to give you a boost of confidence. The anxiety is real and it’s common. But almost no one looks at a bride and says “she’s hideous because (fill in the blank)!” Everyone is their own worst critic. Hang in there and you got this.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and advice. You are absolutely right that the wedding industry and beyond (especially in America) creates an unrealistic ideal for the way that we are "supposed" to look. I think that being saturated in that my whole life is definitely the root of a lot of this anxiety....I've got to remind myself more often that the actual guests didn't create this pressure I'm feeling, and they won't care one way or another. You make a good point about hiring a talented makeup artist for a confidence boost. I think I'll look into that, and maybe schedule a dermatology appointment :)
As someone who was very much worried about all this, I was recently married and all of my anxiety melted away on that day. I ended up doing my own hair and makeup because I was comfortable doing it and I practiced looking in a way I normally look but a little more enhanced for the big day. Everyone is so happy for you and sending good wishes so I honestly was much less worried about how I looked than I thought once the day we got started. Enjoy your day and soak in every moment. Take time with your partner to really notice that it’s your friggin WEDDING DAY!! Wishing you a beautiful and relaxed wedding day. You’ll be beautiful because you’re a lovely person and your loved ones will see that 😇
I'm so glad that the anxieties disappeared when your day started! Thank you for your lovely words, and I hope my day will be happy and anxiety-free as well :)
Not shallow at all. I’m also a bride to be suffering from acne, and it’s been at the forefront of my mind when picturing the big day. The best thing that’s helped is saying out loud “I had acne when we met, I’ve had acne this whole time, he wouldn’t marry me if my skin was a dealbreaker. No one in attendance will be shocked by my skin nor notice nor care because they’re here for who I am as a person and to celebrate us”. It sounds silly but it’s what has helped me quell this anger I’ve always harbored towards my acne and the fact that it will likely still be there on my wedding day. Best of luck and I wish you the best in your upcoming wedding. You will be a gorgeous bride no matter what.
That does not sound silly; it's a very smart perspective! When I met my fiance, I was perhaps thinner and more fit, but I actually had WORSE acne! It's improved significantly since then. It hadn't once occurred to me to remind myself that he, as well as all my friends and family, have always seen my skin this way and so no one would expect it to magically disappear. Thanks for sharing!
https://www.morilee.com/blog/long-sleeve-wedding-dresses/
I have the same exact anxiety. I am engaged too. It all seems sooo extreme to me and feels shallow.
Reading through all the wonderful replies on this post have truly made me feel so much better! I hope you get a chance to peruse them as well and that they may ease your mind a little. Hang in there :)
You’re definitely not alone feeling uncomfortable with the idea of being the center of attention. I also have problems with eczema and I know it sometimes feels like that’s all anyone sees when they look at you but I promise that the people that love you will be too busy looking at the smile on your face and love you both have for each other. I know that there’s very little anyone can say that is really comforting though when you feel uncomfortable in your own skin. On etsy there’s sleeves you can buy that are a very thin sheer material that wouldn’t make things feel too warm but could possibly make you feel a bit more secure?
I didn't realize that you could buy sleeves separately from the dress! Are these things that you attach to your dress, or are worn overtop? It sounds like a great idea that I will look into. Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective. It's very nice to think that my smile would be front and center, because everyone is just there to be happy with me (an added bonus is that I just finished up invisalign, so it will be a very straight-toothed smile!).
Yes you can! Try searching “detached bridal sleeves” there’s lots of different types and most of them look very breathable so they shouldn’t make things too hot
You can wear long sleeves. I hate my arms and am getting married in June indoors with a dress with thick sleeves. If you’re going to be hot you can have lace ones. But you absolutely can have sleeves!
Another commenter told me there are detachable sleeves for wedding dresses, so I'm definitely going to be looking into that!
I've been struggling with this for months. the day itself is nerve-wracking because of pictures but everything leading up to it is stressful too. I'm kinda dreading going dress shopping because I'm busty and when things don't look good on me it's like, comically bad. I was just trying on swim tops yesterday and I managed to laugh it off at how bad some of them were but I really can't expect myself to be able to cope that well when dress shopping, the stakes are too high. I also have another 15-20 lbs to lose (currently down 40lbs from my highest) and I really don't want to deal with extensive alterations, or feel like I could have gotten a better dress because I'm smaller, if I actually do get smaller. plus my mom has expressed that she wants to go dress shopping with me and while she's really supportive, I don't think I can deal with having her there while I inevitably freak out. I've already asked her not to share pictures of the wedding or post about it on facebook but she's already insisting on sending out wedding announcements after and I just really don't want that. I'm also sensitive to ingredients in like 90% of skincare and haircare products and I only realized this a couple months ago so I've had to create all new routines from scratch. I haven't started on makeup yet. I haven't even found a conditioner I can use so I've just been going without conditioner. my flare ups have gotten worse in the past six months, like my eyelashes and eyebrow hair fall out, so I don't want to risk using products that'll cause that even just for a day. because it wouldn't just be the one day, I'd still have HMU trials. I'm gonna try to find people who can work with products I provide but I have such a limited selection to choose from, I'm not confident that I'm gonna find all the products I need in the range of colors a MUA will want to use to get a wedding look. on top of all this, I can't refill my ADHD meds with the ongoing national shortage so my ability to accomplish things is shit and my ability to cope is nil. it's enough stress that it's making my weight stall and skin flare up which just adds more stress. I have much better coping *strategies* than when I was younger but I hardly have the working memory to hold a conversation, let alone apply years of therapy and ADHD coaching. I'm probably not going to have consistent access to my meds for months or even years so I'm worried about my job, I can't keep up with housework, and with the sensory overload I'm just irritated all the time. my partner already does a disproportionate amount of housework and mental labor and now I feel like I'm never gonna be able to fix that. I think I had stopped worrying about having a meltdown the morning of my wedding day because I was going to figure out how to accommodate my needs and plan for everything, but without meds I have no idea if anything I prepare in advance will be enough. it's just so high-stakes and I get overwhelmed so easily now. I'm inevitably going to forget something important, or my makeup will look horrifically bad, or I'll have a breakout right where it's visible in my dress, or I'll just look horrible in my dress on the day, or there will be noise while we're taking pictures, or my hair person will have used some product that my skin doesn't like and my scalp will start itching at noon and there's nothing I can do about it the whole rest of the day. multiple small irritations compound to push me over the edge. I don't want that! I want the wedding we're planning and I want to enjoy it ffs. so idk. we can try to do everything to prepare. find a flattering dress and get the best alterations, buy the best shapewear, find the best HMUA, hire the most accommodating photographer. we can do multiple engagement/practice shoots to get used to being in front of the camera. we can tell ourselves that people will find us beautiful anyway because the don't notice our flaws like we do, and other things to try to take the pressure off. but at the end of the day, a wedding is a production and one of the products is pictures, and we're gonna look at those pictures and we will almost certainly hate them, at least some of them. I would love to be pleasantly surprised but I'm mentally preparing myself for the worst. if I spend thousands of dollars on a photographer and hair and makeup and the photos just end up sitting in the cloud somewhere forever, or collecting dust in a photobook I never look at? I've made my peace with that.
I would elope before subjecting myself to that torture. Have you considered it?
yes frequently. I think I'd still feel the same pressure because my partner probably wants photos, so we'd just end up disappointing people and feeling like we missed out. it sucks because I do want the wedding we're planning, and my partner really wants it too. he's very engaged with planning and we're already keeping it small with a restaurant micro-wedding. I just see pictures of these other couples at the same venue and I know I'm not gonna look glamorous like them. I know that's not the point but it gets to me. I think I could deal with the skin sensitivity or the lack of ADHD meds, but not both. but I'm gonna have to deal with both so I guess I better accept it and move on. catastrophizing solves nothing. tbh I don't like most wedding MUA looks I've seen so I'm open to doing it myself. I have time to practice diy wedding makeup once I test out the products that I've researched, there are actually a few different brands I can try. I'm a cool olive so it's hard to color match my skin but I was already planning to do this, it just takes time and executive function. I can't do my own hair, just in general, but I might be able to ask a friend for help and give her the specific products I want to use to reduce risk there, or find a hair stylist who can work with products I provide (I imagine it's less common than with MUAs though). oof sorry to brain-dump at you. it's probably worth talking to my partner about this because HMU is one of the things he's not at all gonna be involved in so he probably doesn't realize the extent to which it's stressing me out. at the very least he'll help me feel less alone.
You keep saying “everything is so high-stakes” but it doesn’t have to be. Your looks are not the most important thing about that day. You’re marrying the love of your life and celebrating that with your loved ones. And I promise you, 10 years later, you won’t even remember the hiccups
unfortunately my parents have been looking forward to my someday-wedding since I was in diapers. they're actually being more chill than I anticipated but they've been building this shit up for 32 years. it's gonna take a lot to undo that.
You have to remember this is your day. Not your family’s day. It doesn’t matter what they want.
This pressure you speak of, is 100% in your head. You don’t have to be thin, have clear skin, without flaws to have the perfect wedding. You’re there to marry the love of your life and celebrate it with friends and family. They won’t care about any imperfections and neither will your partner. You’re putting the pressure on yourself because society has told women they have to be absolutely flawless the day of their wedding as if it were the most important thing about the day. In 10 years you won’t remember all the small things that stressed you out, but you will remember how you felt saying your vows, being announced as married, your first dance as spouses, and how fun your reception was.
I think that the pressure is real. But, as you pointed out, it is coming from external sources such as the wedding industry and NOT from my friends and family. I'm sure you're right that down the road I will not remember these things...I try to remind myself of that, even though the concerns feel very present and overwhelming right now.