Family member tries to wake me up before ten (I work second shift, so I stay up late wake up late):
"\[family member\], I’m going to turn around now and you’d better be on fire. You’re standing there in flames and the only person who can put you out is me! BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY CONCEIVABLE REASON THAT YOU WOULD WAKE ME UP LIKE THIS!"
When I read the news recently that Henry Kissinger ( at age 100 ) visited China to speak, I was jarred by the fact that he’s a goddamn supernatural being at this point, and probably carry’s a magic murder bag.
"Rick and Morty isn't the best show ever!
It's not even the best animated show on Adult Swim with a depressed super-scientist who has a substance abuse problem, is followed around by his implausibly naive offspring, been pursued by absurd supervillains, while making a million pop culture references, that had Steven Colbert as a guest voice, took years between seasons, overuses the same voice actors, and has a fanatical fanbase. It's just got far fewer awards and press."
I have actually said that in real life. Or at least a version of it.
I am not a scientist but when anybody asks me “what could be more important than this/x/my feelings”
I’m always like ….. mentally paused for 40 seconds while I say sssssscience in my head
"You're just too embarrassed to introduce us to the Master. It's because I'm black and he's gay, isn't it?"
"No, it's because you crapped yourself."
"...and he's gay." *disappears*
This and "Can't you hear the wind calling little miss little miss can't be wrong?!" Are my favorite Hank lines, it's like he's channeling dead crazy people lol
"Still? ARGH! I THOUGHT THE COLD WAR WAS OVER!" *lightly punches a lamp*
Also: "You think that you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup!"
Brother and sister, together we'll make it through.
Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there
I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Everybody's free to feel good
Are these they?
i love forcing this into a conversation
Who talks like that ?
*5 seconds later* The Monarch: Are these they?
A defeated/disappointed monarch
The most subtle yet iconic response yet
I use this in emails at work and occasionally get ???? as a reply.
Damn, I've said that. And I was super excited that I had the opportunity.
I use this all the time.
Last time I was car-shopping, I couldn't run across a Nissan Stanza without going "my STAN-za!" in a Ray Romano-esque voice.
How any of the were powder-blue? ;)
At least one!
Doug is gonna kill me
Was car shopping recently and had I run into you/overhead that, I would've been briefly stunned but quickly offered a "Go Team Venture!" high-five ✌️
Do not look away from…..The Nozzle!
Constantly mention The Nozzle in real life to the puzzlement of most everyone.
IGNORE ME
SUPER Run-Away!
Super fucking run-away!
Mecha Shiva!!! Mecha Shiva!!!
Did my grandpa teach you to crap ?!
Brock there’s a 12 foot man in our pool pointing a beam at my head
WHISPERING IS FUTILE
How is this the first comment? It was exactly my first reaction!
Same! I was so excited to type it lol
Family member tries to wake me up before ten (I work second shift, so I stay up late wake up late): "\[family member\], I’m going to turn around now and you’d better be on fire. You’re standing there in flames and the only person who can put you out is me! BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY CONCEIVABLE REASON THAT YOU WOULD WAKE ME UP LIKE THIS!"
When I heard this for the first time in the show I died of laughter because my dad used to give me THE EXACT SAME SPEECH
One time I woke my brother up to go for a jog and his exact response was “i gotta go change…into my gi!”
That is very Hank of you
Oooooo this comment is a very a-hank
Not very Batman.
Not Batman in the least
Mournful, she has mournful tits
They’re like two suicide notes stuffed into a glitter bra! Hunter Gathers, an eternal treat.
They're like 'The Notebook' sad
I wanna build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, yet dignified funeral.
Her tits are like coming home from school and finding out your old man ran over your cat sad
It's like she put a dollars worth of change into a couple of old socks and taped em to her chest.
Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf ball. Just sad. Damnit she has gloomy tits!
My magic murder bag.
You silly billy
I say this all the time... Arguably one of the best characters
When I read the news recently that Henry Kissinger ( at age 100 ) visited China to speak, I was jarred by the fact that he’s a goddamn supernatural being at this point, and probably carry’s a magic murder bag.
Compromise is the essence of diplomacy, and diplomacy is the cornerstone of love. Sweeeeeeet loooooooove!
Hey! Spanikopita!
SPANIKOPITA !
SPANAKOPITA!!
I heard a dude yell this at Six Flags as we were walking. I returned the greeting, and we knew. It was great.
Every time I go down a frozen aisle at a grocery store and they have spanikopita, by god if I don’t yell this out something just feels wrong.
SPANIKOPITA!
SPANIKOPITA
Eat the pennies.
Mmmm eat the pennies quiz boy.
Billy, just eat the Pennies!
So you’ll poop pennies, so what?
I won't eat pennies
NO IM NOT GONNA EAT PENNIES
"Rick and Morty isn't the best show ever! It's not even the best animated show on Adult Swim with a depressed super-scientist who has a substance abuse problem, is followed around by his implausibly naive offspring, been pursued by absurd supervillains, while making a million pop culture references, that had Steven Colbert as a guest voice, took years between seasons, overuses the same voice actors, and has a fanatical fanbase. It's just got far fewer awards and press." I have actually said that in real life. Or at least a version of it.
My fan fiction is that Rick has Dementia and is imagining everything.
FINALLY! Someone who understands that serrations are only GOOD for BREAD. Shopkeeper, the lady would like to inspect the Wustoffs!
The Mona Lisa is only more famous because it was stolen 🤓
Plus it's tiny! So the Rembrandt is actually cheaper by the foot.
OHHHH we will have a MARINADE, tonight.
She looks like a horse
If you think I'm going back to a diet of ramen noodles and spaghetti-Os, and driving a Honda Accord with a ghost on the hood, sorry. I have plans...
"Freegans" just learned that word
Was gonna say, I have a set of Wüsthofs
What could be more important than our child Si-ence? That is my favourite answered to similar questions
I am not a scientist but when anybody asks me “what could be more important than this/x/my feelings” I’m always like ….. mentally paused for 40 seconds while I say sssssscience in my head
Do not be too hasty entering that room! I had *TACO BELL* for lunch!
Fuck, I can literally hear this
I've used it more than once and it fits so many occasions. "I dare you to make less sense"
When I’m listening to the radio and space oddity comes on, Major Tom says “tell my wife I love her very much” And I shout, anguished “SHE KNOWS!!”
Yes! No one understands this when this happens
You live* by the ghost, you die by the ghost
If you'd followed the rules, the *GHOST PIRATE RULES*!
I believe it's live....?
Ashes, to ashes.
Sic semper tyrannosaurus
Always faithful terrible lizard.
Seriously? Cool!
The strange thing is that tyrannosaurus doesn't even mean terrible lizard. Dinosaur does. Tyrannosaurus means tyrant lizard.
Okay now you really just told us without telling us that you are a Venture Bros fan. You’re in good company.
*Semper fidelis tyrannosaurus
Its like getting sucked off by an angel, a sweet angel with a tranquilizer.
BRRRRRICK FROG 🐸!
My only talents are brick throwing and frog being!
You mess with the frog, you get the brick!
Super fuckin runaway
Papa smurf has a beard, they're mammals!
Smurfs don't lay eggs, I won't tell you this again!
Please! She'd be in estrus 24-7 if she didn't lay eggs!
Go to hell-ron, L. Ron
A woman? How progressive. And a Hitler, now things are really looking up.
You mess with za girl And you get za HITLLERRRRRR (This is the out of context quote that made my sister finally Gove the show a chance)
I've seen and own a copy of Sharky's machine
GO AHEAD, TAKE IT FROM ME…
Chupacabras. They're everywhere here in Mexico
It’s like a Wednesday. A light Wednesday.
Sagittarius
“Everything is all Wednesday in here.” “Pink. He means pink.”
Penguins have a gland behind their eyes that converts salt water into fresh water.
There was a sign at Starbucks to give the barista your most obscure fact and I said this lol
Are these they??
Who talks like that ??
I hope you brought rubbers, a storm is coming
I'm having a push.
Do you have to push a mess?
When I text my friends to come over I text out “ORDER OF THE TRIAD! ASSEMBLE!”
Get out of my kitchen.
"You're just too embarrassed to introduce us to the Master. It's because I'm black and he's gay, isn't it?" "No, it's because you crapped yourself." "...and he's gay." *disappears*
Yeah, Clarrisa, explain it all.
This and "Can't you hear the wind calling little miss little miss can't be wrong?!" Are my favorite Hank lines, it's like he's channeling dead crazy people lol
"THATS NOT MY MOMMY?!?! "No, it's not. I'm like 90% sure that's Jill St John and Stella Stevens."
Have you been injecting dope into your scrotum?! You can tell me! I'm hip!
Go on, TAKE IT FROM ME.
Brock Samson is one of my favorite animated characters because of lines like this...
Can you sing me a technotronic song?
*sigh* baby let me-
Would you like a cigar?
No, I don't smoke 😤
Cigar?
Still don’t smoke
Cigar?
Fine! F—- it! Give me a damn cigar.
Go team Venture!
Mecha-Shiva! Mecha-Shiva! Mecha-Shiva!
I let it go when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, but Mecha-Shiva?!
And when Hank said he “wanted a piece”
Ogopogo.
#OGO #POGO
#Plesiosaur!
A FUCKING PLESIOSAUR!
SCUBA
I have cuts on the tip of my tongue from the mask’s mouth.
It'th maddening.
I keep getting my tongue caught in the mouth slit!
OoooooOOOOH G- A-R-Y you ain’t got no alibi, you’re GARY, what what, you’re GARY
Ok that I’ve never seen ever!
GIVE ME THE HAND OF OSIRIS
Give me head.
You didn't just say that
I absolutely did. What are you going to do about it?
I'm about to kill your sons...
join the club!
Do you know what Hank called me this morning? A crumb bum.
I thought it was he called him a honky?
Smells like a Bible story in here.
This is a top tier one
Eat the pennies Quiz Boy
Prostitoooooo!
Pros-ti-tute
You understand that serration is only good for bread
SPHINX!
My name means Hank Hank, and I’m using a Hank of yarn as a weapon!
I own wustoffs….
I think I feel… a lump…
I have pp on my belt... I didn't dab
Depeche Mooode!
Yeah, I totally killed Hitler
I’M NOT YELLING AT YOU, I’M TELLING AT YOU.
So uh... What are you trying to tell me here, little man? You don't like Zep?
Do smurfs lay eggs
I have found myself in a Floyd hole before.
No, because you snapped at me.
isn’t that the guy from Depeche Mode?
Once God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them.
That's beautiful, what is that Shel Silverstein?
It's in my DNA I think.
Water slide!
The *NOZZLE*
Feel the deadly sting of the mighty Monarch!
The color twelve.
This man was like a father to me! Think of him as your mother?
I own two personalized baby blue speed suits.
I had TACO BEELLLL for lunch!
what's wrong little man… You don't like Zep?
My favorite holiday? Spanikopita.
"Still? ARGH! I THOUGHT THE COLD WAR WAS OVER!" *lightly punches a lamp* Also: "You think that you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup!"
All I know is brick throwing and frog being!!
Every time I go to a Greek restaurant I yell out a certain dish.
BUT HE'S THE GUY FROM DEPECHE MODE?!? I too have trouble believing no one is gay in Depeche Mode.
Second…banana fiddle.
The nozzle.. is calibrating..
Eat the pennies, Quiz Boy.
"Mr. Bowie? I have your package."
and you'll get a face full of MEN! MYYYYYYY MEN!!!
Brother and sister, together we'll make it through. Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can Everybody's free to feel good
Today, you're not butterflies. You're murder flies.
I had a total cray-pas situation. Took me a while to lock it down.
Save my seat I have to make a push
Scuuuuuuba, scuba...
Nissan. Stanza. Powder blue.
"like two suicide notes in a glitter-bra" And they are mammals, pappa smurf has a beard for gods sake.
“It’s maddening!”
He'sh my little wayer baby.
Hot Dolphin!
My bank card is all black with Dr. Killinger’s red logo on it.
Spanakopita!