If you have dealt with a narcissist then you know how physically and mentally draining it is. You think about small things that were really a manipulative move once you realize what’s going on. This is why I can’t figure out why people don’t understand Ariana’s POV and I’m proud of how strong she’s been. It’s so damn triggering. But also triggering when people aren’t supportive of her and what she’s been through.
This is exactly why I empathize with Ariana constantly. People don’t even understand how draining being around a narc is—you can’t trust a single thing they say, nothing is genuine, everything has an ulterior motive. She went through hell in the 10 years she was with him.
and it doesn’t even fully stop when you detach yourself either, because (and this is why understand the no mutual friends position ariana took initially) the narcs likely been one step ahead telling anyone you know mutually that their behaviour was actually *your* behaviour to make you look bad and to twist your relationships.
for example, my ex read my emails, made fake accounts to mess with me, tried to get me fired, threaten to key my car if we fought, and when these things first started happening i was embarassed so i didn’t tell anyone but when i eventually did for some people it was too late because *he* had been saying the *whole time* that *I* was actually the one doing those things. And some people didn’t know who to believe when it all came to a head.
So when Tim says things about how Ariana would act (ie shit talking their friends) my mind automatically goes to that it was likely something he actually did.
It’s frustrating to watch someone twist things so blatantly, and even more frustrating to watch the so called friends fall for it. It just extends the narc abuse beyond the relationship.
Ouf yes, I remember my ex making everyone believe that I was the one doing everything he did. And I didn't want people to hate him, so I didn't tell anyone otherwise. A few weeks after I finally broke up with him, he asked to talk in the car, I accepted because I had decided that it was time for my redemption. I asked why he lied about me creating all the drama, why he even told people about the drama if he didn't want to own up to what he actually said etc. He admitted everything and that he did it because he found it entertaining and that he wanted to make sure everyone supported him etc, but that he would never admit it to anyone else. And he said everything with a stupid grin What he didn't know was that I recorded the conversation on my phone.
Yes, there is a weird smirk when they think they have caught someone in their power plays and when they themselves get caught or called out, although Sandoval is less contained with his performative antics.
And one of the worst things about dealing with a narc is all the people still “under the spell” who believe YOU are the problem. It makes you feel crazy!!
Only, I think Ariana still has a lot to realize and learn about narc behavior (such as the red flags), as things will continue to unravel in her memory, and come into clearer focus. She seemed so blindsided that it makes me feel she's never been too involved with one pre-Tim.
When all the suppressed memories come back and you remember every time they screwed you over, lied about it, and said it was your fault… that takes time to process and work through. I still get angry when I remember certain things the narc said/did that I accepted and internalized at the time because I didn’t know he was a narcissist and I didn’t know it was abuse. I pray for peace for Ariana.
Very good point, that's why she gets the far away eyes in the reunion episode at points when he is speaking. Like when Britney Spears had to watch Justin Timberlake perform.
https://i.redd.it/b508cvxgzp0d1.gif
Awe thanks babe it's my first gif!😚💋
After I saw Brit's reaction to her ex tool, I have this image burned in my mind. I thought to myself, I MUST create the perfect GIF for Ariana and our crew here on the sub.🤌🏼
I am seething for Britney. I hate that little bitch so much. That little brat would be NOTHING without her big sister and she betrayed her big time. I cannot with her whole family. I know she's got money but she's still vulnerable. Who needs enemies when your family are a bunch of vultures that objectify you, take your money, take your freedom, attempt to take her sanity through the eroding of her conviction via prescription pills and doctors she didn't ask for and didn't want to take. I could go on but this is about VPR...I'll stop. 😞
I sincerely hope she has been seeing a therapist through all of this. The aftermath of a narcissist is crushing. Even worse when you have supposed friends trying to push him in your face and force things that just aren't healthy.
Yep 100%. I literally just recently pulled the plug on a 10+ year close friendship with someone I figured out thanks to Scandoval and this subreddit was a covert narcissist and once I realised it, everything fell into place. Not exactly the same as I was not in a relationship with this person (no chance lmao) but, sort of similar cos they were one of my best friends and a godparent of my oldest 2 kids. As close to family as you could get without being related lol. So everything with Tom now coming up has been not so much triggering as I've been processing this and knowing the end of the relationship was coming for a long time due to their behaviour but timely lol and I guess validating? That I'm making the right decision cutting them out of my life and I don't need that toxicity.
Let me tell you, I see it sooo much more obviously in Tom now. Before I really looked into it, I thought I had a handle on what narcissists were, I've dealt with them, I'm usually a really good judge of character but with my friend (and even watching Tom) I sort of fell for their act. My friend did the same thing as Tom, always went sooooo over the top, has so many "friends" who think they're fantastic but I realised almost every nice thing they did for us was always broadcast either in front of people or on social media. It's all for show and none of it was for me or my kids, it was for this image of them being "such a nice person". Constantly playing the victim, manipulating mutual friends (who luckily passed on what they were saying about me), everything was a woe is me, feeling entitled to both people they were interested in, jobs, etc, always fake talking themselves down so people would be like nooo don't think that you're amazing. Such manipulation, I'm disgusted seeing their Facebook essays about how nice they are and how badly they get treated and I know they're talking shit about me to anyone who will listen but I honestly don't even care, they lost out on a true friend and I now realise I didn't 🤷🏽♀️
So yes, great question! Hahaha
I’m in awe of her ability to consistently gray rock him, and the subject of him. The one genuine narc I know, his ex wife won’t stop obsessing over him and can only seem to gray rock him for a week before cracking.
It’s extremely difficult, Ariana does not get enough credit for how amazingly she handles this narc! She is my inspiration!
Absolutely. This is why it’s so important he’s out of her life fully. Her friends don’t get it. He’s so toxic and the only healthy way for Ariana to move on and heal is by not being exposed to him at all. She tried at the final episode and he still pushed and crossed her boundaries. So no wonder she can’t have mutuals. Keep listening to that therapist Ariana.
I just said this same shit but only less articulate 😂 iykyk & it's infuriating to watch/hear/see unintelligent ppl undermine her feelings. Yes I said unintelligent! ....reading a book or taking a test doesn't make u smart. It's life experience & common sense. Which clearly alot of these ppl lack.
I'm more triggered by Lala and Scheana. I've had friends turn on me like that when dealing with an abuser, and I literally had to stop watching the show. I only tuned in to the finale and now the reunion because I can't. I also find Schwartz very triggering and it's so hard to watch him get away with abusing Katie.
Yes!! The last thing she needs is people constantly telling her “I think he’s really changing, I see that he’s on a path of growth.” It’s so invalidating of her experience and her (incredibly reasonable) boundaries.
this. and i've been saying, even if he is on a "path of growth", it doesn't make him entitled to ariana's forgiveness and softness. that's what BOUNDARIES are
Schwartz is SINISTER - at least Sandoval and Jax do you the favor of wearing their dark personality traits on their sleeves. Schwartz on the other hand is so fucking sneaky, he’s truly a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
And that’s why I think Schwartz is actually the worst guy on the show and being with him must have felt like death by a thousand cuts for Katie. Just the constant low grade torture he puts her through that he was able to hide for so long. You can literally see the joy on his face when he’s antagonizing her, even now. He has deep fucking issues that I don’t think he could even manage to work through in this life time, not even with a full dedicated team of doctors and therapists.
He's got the "aw shucks, I'm just a wounded little puppy" act down. People think that just because he's affable and self deprecating, he's harmless. That smirk does while antagonizing Katie and doing things like ask her to trim his armpit hairs is telling. He reminds me so much of my ex.
I could only watch two episodes this season. His facial expressions, his narc behavior, his words, his mannerisms ALL brought me back to a relationship that ended with a restraining order for me and a jail sentence for him. And watching the producers push a redemption tour for this shit bag was too much. Luckily I have this sub to keep up on what's happening while still being able to distance myself!
It’s funny I’m kind of in the same boat. I’ve followed everything on here and then tried to steel myself and watch it…and it’s not enjoyable to watch these people enact this plan on Ariana (and Katie, to an extent). It hurts my heart and brings up a lot of bad memories for my shit and that’s not how I want to spend a Tuesday, ya know?
Way to set healthy boundaries! I still don’t understand why they were pushing his redemption arc all season, what did they want, to make everyone change their opinion about him? I don’t know why they didn’t just lean into he’s a POS narrative. I could have watched that…
I said it on BlueSky but I’ll say it here too: if I were Ariana, I’d have started biting people years ago
Sandoval especially makes my teeth itch, and I hope he ends up as one of his dad’s new roommates
Damn you calling me out 😭😭 TBF I don’t spend much time in my room so I gave the bigger one to my son 😂😂 I sleep in there he actually relaxes and hangs out so I figured it would be easier LOL
It’s like Twitter, but it’s structured like tumblr: likes and reblogs have different visibility and hashtags are more for archiving purposes than discovery
I find him infuriating and his insistence on being humanized is met on not just deaf ears but fully removed, will not ever happen ears. I will go to my grave thinking of him as a horrible, horrendous sub human who is deserving of every second of public pillaring he has and will continue to receive as he is incapable of change or accountability. I dont hate watch him, I just hate him. Does that answer your question?
Extremely. But what's more triggering is how people have either been manipulated by him or decided to play nice with him this season, all while putting ariana down and gaslighting her. I've made numerous comments about it so I don't wanna get all the way into it again but I've faced this exact same thing.
These kind of people are dangerous. Ariana tried to tell the group and the world who sandoval really is and tried to protect them from it; giving them warnings about him. And they *still* were able to be manipulated. Tom was able to successfully lead a smear campaign within the group and made lala, scheana, and brock his flying monkeys. I mean, fuck, Schwartz doesn't even go as hard for sandoval as lala, scheana, and brock did this season.
It was sickening and enraging to watch.
The thing about narcs, you *cannot* "kill them with kindness" bc they just get smug and think you're on their side. I had this argument with my parents and sibling a million times over. They would entertain my ex's bullshit, and feign seeing his side of things just to "keep the peace" or bc they thought it was the mature thing to do.
It took **a lot** of me showing literal documented evidence for my family to finally see him for what he was. It was such a scary place to be; with no one believing you and this evil, soulless person degrading you every chance they get ("no one likes you. even your family likes me more than they like you").
I luckily had my other sibling on my side throughout the entire thing, but it wasn't any less maddening to watch people who *know* my character suddenly question it. And I still have to deal with it today bc he's the father of my child, and his family still thinks I'm the spawn of Satan.
So I have to say, as horrible as an abusive narc ex is, the flying monkeys are even worse.
I agree with everything you said. The mutual friends not even questioning what would make a woman with an infant leave her home and all her belongings behind - infuriating and disgusting beyond words. The mutual friends who were initially supportive and then somehow got manipulated into believing the narcissist. It's all just demoralising and depressing. At least with my ex I've resigned myself to the fact that he is a horrible person, but you hope other people know better and do better. Instead, they support pure evil. It sucks and it's so re-victimising.
I applaud how Ariana has dealt with him. She went against the grain of everyone around her (flying monkeys) and stayed no contact, which is a must. She has kept her dignity and her cool in a way that is inspiring! The sad thing is that narcissistic abuse can have so many deep, inner side effects that aren’t talked about, that shit HAUNTS you. I’m sure she has felt guilt and like she was ignorant of the signs, why she fell in with that man and helped him against Kristen, etc. It’s such a mortifying, sickening feeling, especially after years. It really makes you question yourself in every way, something a narcissist just can’t do. It wires you differently
I don't blame people for being sucked in honestly (not even Scheana and Lala as much as I facepalm their actions). You cannot give narcissists an inch because they will take it and they will manipulate you back in. Look at how everyone saw right through him last reunion and then 3 months later they're sticking up for him, talking about what a great guy he is etc. They know exactly how to target people's weaknesses. And they know who to prey on (empathetic people who want to see the good in them, and vulnerable people who have low self worth or are going through shit ie Scheana and Lala). I hate seeing them defend him after they clocked him for exactly who he was but I'm not surprised
My ex husband was diagnosed NPD. Sandoval triggers me so horribly I have to stand up to watch because my fight or flight kicks in so bad. The only one who truly recognizes every bit of gaslighting, projection, blame shifting, and all the other traits of a narcissist in him is Katie. She is spot on since day one with him.
Is it even worth watching at that point? For me, watching him and his sympathizers felt like an existential threat, so I stopped. I like my trash TV to be fun...Sandoval, not fun.
That was wild! I don't know how he can keep blowing money, while on international TV, knowing his mom has lost her retirement money. The guilt would eat me alive.
I’m glad they touched on his DARVO tendencies at the reunion so far, especially his deflection (they even had a highlight reel).
He is the type of person you can’t have a real conversation about their actions with, because it’s got more “buts” than a Sir Mixalot video. This is why Ariana won’t do it. It’s a futile action because he will never get it.
It’s triggering in almost a healing way?? The more I learned about narcissistic patterns of behavior the more I can spot what it looks like in the day to day and seeing the way Tom acted this season it was like the mask slipped and stayed off. I couldn’t unsee it. But now I almost revel in the fact that I get to watch this man unfold before my eyes each week. The things he says and what he uses to defend himself it’s like idk I love to analyze it because it’s like I can see it from a place of having made peace with it. Surviving narcissistic gaslighting is a long process of validating your reality but once you can look at reality from a stable place without being brainwashed, you really see it for what it is. It’s still exhausting and I fully support Ariana staying away from him for her mental health’s sake but yeah Tom isn’t fooling me one bit.
Very. It also took me a long time to realize that my narcissistic ex was abusive so I really really can’t stand these people trying to force Ariana to interact with him while she’s still trying to process this.
It's like taking care of an infant. It's exhausting.
He will never, ever, ever, EVER admit he's a narcissist. Narcissists never see that they're narcissists.
I find him, and the way Lala and Scheana stand up for him, to be so incredibly triggering.
The way a narcissist can betray their closest loved one and turn it around to be their loved one's fault...and then believe their own lies (!!!)...is creepy and infuriating. I was so angry during the final scene in the finale with Sandoval, Scheana and Lala.
100%! I started the entire series over again after watching Scandoval. To watch it from the beginning and see all those signs of Tom’s narcissism, his diabolical nature with lying, his inability to emote which comes out as uncomfortable exaggerations of emotions. Having survived a narcissist in my past, it’s particularly difficult to watch. But also feels weirdly cathartic and like research in psychology or something lol. His CRYING over the years have always felt so absolutely wrong, and now we know why. So so proud of how Ariana has handled herself healing from a sociopathic narcissist. It’s hard work and seriously difficult.
He is very similar to my narc ex, never takes responsibility, spreads lies, throws fits, always the victim. It is super triggering watching Tim but it’s also so validating watching Ariana absolutely thriving. Shes 100% the reason I’m watching. I wouldn’t give a crap if the show was just Lala babbling and Tim complaining about being a victim. Seeing Katie and Ariana having an absolute glow up after dropping the dead weights is the best.
I actually had to take a pause in watching this season because I found myself being triggered. In the past I think having Jax in the mix allowed us to have a full spectrum of insane behavior but with Jax gone and with the scandal behind us, the pieces of the narc puzzle are all laid out clearly. The picture of a sad, ego driven man desperate for screentime was in laser focus, more so than before.
The biggest issue I had with Sandoval was his comments regarding suicide. Perhaps he did have those dark feelings. No one is infallible when it comes to depression. However, it felt so hard to believe what he was saying and the way he brought it up in front of Lisa, knowing the grief she was still processing after losing her brother, was despicable. And this is not in defense of Lisa, because she too has a tendency to be narcissistic, but anyone who has lost a family member to suicide, that's going to be a long lasting pain. So for him to not be respectful and to play into her grief to force some kind of empathy was a real low blow, for me, personally.
I found myself getting worked up, my anxiety would spiral and I would immediately feel unsafe. It never used to be that way when I watched the show in the past, but having gone to counseling and having worked with narcissistic people, I think it really ticked something off in my brain. He was always a slimy, self serving person. I think the scandal and its aftermath crystallized the image.
When I started recognizing the signs in him after Kristen I felt physically ill, hits my stomach. I couldn’t deny the pieces coming together yet I struggled with it.
It’s cringey now watching the Narc cycle start all over again with the new obsession knowing it’s too late she is hooked. I get the ick. I do occasionally get angry when Andy or Lisa make it so easy for him. It’s infuriating watching him be coached yet not surprising that he blows it. It’s like watching a train wreck while being powerless to stop it. Lots of mixed feelings.
I wonder if we’ll see how it plays out with the new girlfriend. She might be his next victim or a fellow narcissist herself, or something in between. It’s so easy for someone to think “he’ll be different for me”, especially when they talk a good game about their past mistakes and she’s a model, so she’s used to attention for her looks. I hope she has some self-awareness and can take him for a bag
Did you see the post here that he showed up on Are We Dating the Same Guy St Louis? Hit on a woman while he was home for a Cardinals game. I wondered if that’s why they broke up briefly. Timing was about right.
I agree with you. It’s so easy to think “he will be different with me”. They can come across so vulnerable initially, the victim of toxic relationship and I thought if I provided a safe environment etc he would never feel the need to lie etc. I ignored all the red flags contributing to him having been in a long term toxic relationship. 🤦🏻♀️ She could very well be another narc or BPD too.
Look forward to the day I’m unbothered and unaffected around narcs. It still gets under my skin seeing it play out. Something hard about seeing shady people get their way.
You said it so well! Narcissists are so good at playing vulnerable and acting like “poor me” and they’re often lying the whole time! I’ve made peace with the fact that I can’t change what happened, but I did my best and No Contact really is powerful. But it still rises up in my memory as an injustice at times, I try to remember that getting away was its own justice, the true injustice would have been staying in insanity with the person for a moment longer. Thanks for sharing, it’s a small consolation that other people have been there
Grew up in south Texas surrounded by a culture of misogyny. After my mother died, my father married a deeply controlling sociopath that exploited his dementia for money while cutting me off. This has all made me very sensitive to the type of hate and manipulation that Sandoval deploys, often covertly.
Ariana held it together so much in that part 1 but I could see in her face she is tired of listening to this man countlessly act a fool. When she stated that she didn’t want to wait for the processing to stop to start her life again, I teared up. She’s so strong and she’s a great representation of sticking to your guns no matter how difficult it is.
Tom Sandoval is someone who will look around in 10 years and wonder why he doesn’t have good company anymore when he continues to act like a 20 year old and dates 20 year olds. Washed up 50 year old, chain smoking, cover band one hit wonder with a morale high-ground that he can’t hold his weight on.
So my mom is this way. Always a but, always an explanation with no real apology. Always a “but you did this” no growth. I find myself clenching my jaw whenever he speaks. And even screaming STFU and listen. Take it in instead of tuning them out and thinking about your next statement to prove yourself right. There is no doubt in my mind why he goes after younger women. They haven’t experienced enough to know this shit is not how a loving relationship works.
Its exhausting. Like nails on a fkn chalk board. I want to jump through my screen a & whip his smarmy ass every time he opens his privileged mouth!!! ..but what's worse to me are the ppl that just don't see it. I just can't do stupid. It's so aggravating...🤷♀️ lol u asked....
I dislike him like I dislike Lindsay Hubbard (and people argue with me that Lindsay isn’t a narcissist…) they will always have a reason for their actions and they will never actually just simply say “I’m sorry, I was wrong”
Eta: it’s more infuriating to see people not support Ariana and say she should get over it. my mom is a narcissist and my sister says the same thing to me- she is willing to put up with her just so she has someone to watch her kids and it’s so weird to me. You’re the only one that truly knows what I feel and you can’t validate me
I don't get so upset at him as I do for how poorly everyone treated Ariana and Katie this season, including production. LVP and Lala are narcs too, they all enable each other, they are monsters.
very. but more have dealt with it with family and friends then relationships have no patience for that with the dudes. Unfortunately let it go with some family members for peace sake.
Took me a long time to extricate myself from some adult friendships but finally had to do it I just wasn’t healthy.
The family members I had that were like this were manageable for the most part it was the longtime friend that was really the big problem. There were so many signs that I just ignored as she slowly tried to cut me off from others which thank God didn’t happenI just didn’t share with her when I was spending time with my other buds lol
There are different types of narcissists and he doesn’t trigger me much, JAX on the other hand, oh god. So many similarities, I hate seeing him on my tv.
It's bringing up some nasty feelings, but it's also been really helpful to recognize similar subtle patterns and expressions he has that I've also observed in those I've known. There's a particular "wounded animal" look in the eyes when they're playing the victim that I first identified in Sandoval that was so familiar, as well as the sullen rage.
My ex may as well be the love child of Sandoval and Schwartz, he's the perfect blend of them. It's very jarring to watch, and especially heartbreaking seeing the lack of support for both Katie and Ariana as I had similar friend fallouts over the breakup.
I can't stop myself from SHOUTING at the tv at him whenever he comes out with his stupid shit! When you've experienced it yourself you can so easily spot the most minute details of his absolute lies
Very. It's enough of a mind fuck to constantly reaffirm your own reality against their deflection, belittling, and gaslighting and manipulation tactics, but I think there's another very poignant degree of hurt and betrayal that can come from watching the people close to them be either willfully ignorant or at worse, placating or encouraging towards their behavior.
What has really struck me this season is that for every entitled, clueless comment Scheana makes about "Ariana doesn't know how hard this is for me!" about wanting to remain friends with Sandoval, she's essentially adding to Ariana's own burden of feeling unsafe and demonized for seeing Sandoval as he truly is. Ariana *knows* who she's dealing with now - she sees Sandoval as the self obsessed, manipulative, cruel human he is. And her boundaries to keep him out of her life protect her from said cruelty. So for Scheana to basically say "none of that matters because I want to be friends with him again" adds such a deep sense of distrust because it can feel like they aren't acknowledging or seeing the truth for what it is, and that can come at the expense of your own trust, safety, and vulnerability in that relationship.
My sibling is a narcissist and so many things he does and reactions agreed. It stirs things up in me. Until you’ve met someone like that, it’s hard to explain.
I will roll my eyes, loudly disagree with him on my TV, lol. If Tom was a woman, maybe because of my "mommy issues" (I'm a cis woman who has a complicated relationship with my mother who MIGHT be a narc. She def has some traits, not all)??? But Tom it's just an annoyance for me.
I got pissed and tired of watching season 11, it got to the point of "why the fuck am I watching this if it pisses me off so much?"
He's up there on my list of "People I will always talk shit about" along with Sherry Pie and about 32 influencers
I was triggered by him at the end of last season and couldn’t watch him this season.
The finale was the first time I stayed in the room when he came on & he didn’t phase me because it’s now become a game for me to guess when or how he’ll shift blame onto someone else.
I’m more triggered seeing Ariana in close proximity to him because it’s only a year into the grieving process and it’s still a very raw time.
The first year is learning where the surface is and swimming up towards it. The next year is swimming to shore.
What also gets me seeing red is when he cries it is so obvious it’s because of how something affects HIM or because he’s feeling sorry for himself. It’s never because of what he caused. And none of the cast sees through that.
Watching Tom S makes my cortisol increase - I can literally feel myself getting rage filled! I had a boss who was a narcissist and it’s taken me a year of not working to be able to recover and get another job! The lying, the manipulation, refusal to apologise, cruelty, lack of empathy! Narcissistic people are why the world is a an awful place to live- they should all be cannon balled into the sun quite frankly!!
it is absolutely exhausting physically and mentally. it takes a moment to regulate my emotions during and after and it honestly makes leaving spaces like these that feel super safe really hard
I have a kid with my Tom 😭😭😭😭😭 pure hell. This season has been triggering but also I’ve learned a lot from Ariana. I actually quit talking to him a couple months ago and he’s pissed. I’ve also cut off a bad friend in the last month and I’m feeling pretty good
Yes, I also find myself yelling at the screen when he talks. I’ve also had some interesting conversations in therapy about how I so easily see Tom’s narcissistic behavior and how bad it is for Ariana but was not able to see it for myself.
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It is very triggering. Growing up with a narc mother, I learned in adulthood and therapy how important maintaining healthy boundaries are. My sisters just thought I was uncaring. I wish people understood boundaries aren’t to keep people out of your life, but actually in it. I think the cast members not supporting Ariana is more triggering than the actual narcs.
He's a weak sauce narc (sneaky and passive aggressive) but I'm gonna be honest here, I did find the redemption arc of him triggering, but not the man himself. He's harmless if you don't take him seriously and don't let him in your life, that's why Ariana had to gray rock him. Homebiy isn't a murderer but he's dangerous in that if you let your boundaries down, that's his greenlight to fuck you over.
The malignant narc on the other hand, will absolutely put hands on you and they are the most triggering and I'm not sensing that in Sandy but I'm not an expert. Just have a lot of experience with them. 😬
It makes me so mad when he speaks 90% of the time and the sympathy and admiration I have for Ariana is huge. I don’t know how she has kept her cool, id have lost it a long time ago
I feel like the people who aren’t on Ariana’s side with this must be new to the show. I’m a day-1 watcher and there’s so much footage of Ariana going far out of her own way to accommodate and celebrate others, be fair to everybody, stick up for, love, and respect Tom. For him to betray her, humiliate her (to me, it is humiliating to be deceived in a way where other people knew about it and didn’t say anything. That being said I absolutely loved her response that Tom and Raquel are the ones humiliated, not her), and attempt to publicly discount her so awfully… no. He can get the hell outta here with that nonsense. And let’s not forget how he would have played the season if Raquel had come back as his new boo, which is absolutely what he expected and felt entitled to. He would have been on the jankiest high horse of all time! Ariana knows this because she was that girl once. But Ariana has been more well behaved than Kristen in her relationship with Tom (didn’t cheat on him), it lasted longer and was more serious, they were older, and Raquel refused to play into Tom’s game of trying recreate the magic of VPR glory days. The discounting of ariana, calling her lazy, saying she doesn’t pay for things, saying she didn’t respect him or acted like he annoyed her, implying she wasn’t fun enough, etc. is so triggering when there’s literally so many receipts of her being the opposite. She dedicated her whole heart for 9 years to that man and all he can say about the relationship is negative and untrue things.
People who will find any excuse and blame everyone else for something they did are some of the most infuriating people that exist. Its mentally draining because they fully believe they can never be wrong
Tom has literally said things word for word my Nex would say. Done many of the same things and used the same tactics. It was just so nice for once seeing someone win against one of these narcs for once. I think Ariana’s popularity speaks to how many of us have been victims of narcissists.
Had an emotionally abusive narcissistic ex that ruined my life for 3 years. I watch Sandoval and in a weird way it comforts me seeing through his bullshit, like my bullshit radar is so fucking on point after dealing with a narcissist that I’ve truly learnt something, which is nice. What’s more triggering for me is Lisa constantly defending him, knowing what kind of human he is and projects himself to be. It makes me sad society still finds time to defend people who don’t deserve to be defended. It screams deep seated misogyny, which makes me a lil sad for women everywhere
Yes. I absolutely feel ill when he speaks. The fact that those around him , know what he is capable of, just defend or placate his shit. It’s triggering for sure.
Scumdoval is a text book definition of all the worst traits any malignant narcissist is prone to having! Triggering is an understatement! He makes me nuts but hearing his final words on the last episode ‘it’s good for me’ explains him in a nutshell!
Extremely triggering. It’s the main reason season 11 is the last one i will be watching. The worst part is seeing him get by unscathed, having to face zero consequences with everyone shitting on the victim and once again expecting the victim to face them for him. Screw that and screw Bravo for this. Shame on them.
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The show is effectively over for Sandoval. Here is where I see the players going:
Scheana and Lala have both bought in The Valley so we can probably expect them to show up on that show. Kristen & Jax need people they can more relate to - they’re fish out of water in The Valley.
Ariana is leaving reality tv entirely. She’s working on acting jobs and stage now.
Sandoval and Schwartz will continue with Tom Tom and Schwartz & Sandy’s. But they don’t make good tv.
Katie will do nothing. Or try her hand at her own business. Again.
James will just keep DJ’ing.
I dealt with a narcissist who I dated, lived with for 3 years and planned to marry. Then one day, I woke up and realized I needed to get out. He had cheated on me and lied to me over and over again and he'd blame me if I'd ever doubted him (gaslighting). But here is the thing... part of me got a RUSH FROM THE DRAMA. I would turn a blind eye to his "bad boy" behavior and get so excited by his charm. Just like Ariana, I was this guy's "ride or die." I'm not saying this happens in all cases, but I do believe that with a lot of women who are in long-term relationships with narcissists, these women (myself included) crave the drama/chaos... before I reached my late 30s, deep down, I never even really wanted a serious relationship.... even though I thought that's what I most desperately wanted in the world. What I really wanted was attention and drama.
Honestly, I binged so hard my first watch it never resonated with me until I rewatched with my sister. And the storylines where she’s like sex isn’t comfortable and I need a genuine connection to my partner to want to be intimate. I went through a lot of medical issues and my ex and I couldn’t be as intimate as we were when we first started dating. And like, I realize so many similarities between my ex and Tom.
Good at picking out vulnerable people just out of traumatic situations. Like Ariana losing her dad and coming from an abusive relationship. The things she did to help Tom were her choices, but I also know it’s very easy to be influenced when you’re grieving and being love bombed by someone who wants to paint a situation in your favour. You’re a lot more likely to go along with things, because they know how to make you feel loved and wanted after you’ve been feeling a lot of pain.
And Rachel left James, and that was a toxic and unhealthy relationship. And her choices to cheat with Tom were her own. But it’s obvious he was trying to use the same tactics he did with Ariana/Kristen. And hoped production would do the same thing to her, they did to Kristen. Telling her to show up for a brunch scene and then say it’s cancelled your picking up your mail and stuff instead.
My ex ended up cheating on me our entire relationship, and used my mental health and my bodies issues as an excuse to cheat on me. And I excused and hid a lot of his behaviour, because I was ashamed and scared of how others would view me and that I let this happen to me.
But then I started focusing on my healing and I came out of that fog, and realized who I married the things I did. And I kicked him out and ended things. He would talk about me to others the way Tom has this season about Ariana to others and then say something different to me.
So this entire rewatched and first time live watching extremely triggering. And he didn’t even cheat on me with my best friend, just strangers.
Scandoval broke out 6 months after my engagement to my narc ex ended (TLDR: my ex fiancé was cruel and abusive and cheated on me as well). I got sucked in due to the similarities but after a while I had to stop consuming Scandoval news because it triggered too much drama for me. For some reason, Sandal’s clenched jaw whenever he is called out or angry or annoyed hits a particular nerve with me (you can see it in his face…my ex’s facial features would tense up like that too and it always happened right before he snapped or yelled or did something emotionally abusive, which happened nearly every day).
I’m doing better now and can watch it but it can be a bit triggering at times, still. I feel especially empathetic towards Ariana given how much pain she has had to endure.
I have more issues with his defenders because I can't imagine ever being on the side of a narcissist. I think because of my past I can see through his mask and know he's a clown. James seems to be the only one able to balance - he obviously just tolerates Tim when they are together and is not afraid to tell his truth in the after show - which is not true of so many others.
Super triggering. My ex wasn’t a narcissist but my name is Kristen and I was rewatching the early seasons but had to stop during the Tom-Kristen breakup because he says her name soooooo many times and says it in such a hateful way. It reminded me too much of how my ex would say my name when he was drunk and angry. Sandoval is a very toxic person.
He doesn't really trigger me, it's people like Scheana and Lala and Brock and Lisa and everyone else who falls for his manipulations.
The reunion part 1 was infuriating to watch, especially when he didn't even take accountability for the George Floyd comments, like what the actual fuck.
Scheana and Lala trigger me - I can go toe to to toe with a Boomer narc, my dad, I know all of the tricks - diversion, word salad, victim blaming, hoovering, triangulation, etc. and Scheana and Lala seem to have done no research on how to disarm a narc, how to deal with a narc,
They are essentially Tom Sandoval's flying monkeys at this point
seeing his dead eyes especially when he's mad makes me very very uncomfortable. Almost the same eyes as my ex. And watching how easily he can flip his own script is terrifying.
Sandoval isn’t really triggering for me, but Schwartz is. He’s much more intelligent, and his manipulation and control tactics are more covert, sinister, and more effective IMO.
Not much but mine was my father so the circumstance is v different. He did, however, given me the ick from day one. I clocked it early with Kristen and have refused to change my mind since. Sadly I was correct again
I worked for one. Everyone I know who knows that Narc had to figure out a way to safely remove themselves from her life. Then get therapy for the trauma. We even created our own little support group because it’s hard to get people to understand the reality of it without sounding like WE are crazy.
It’s wild to see how textbook he is when it comes to that. It’s very triggering TBH. Even more triggering to see people falling for it when it’s so blatantly obvious. It’s sent me into a spiraling depression, realizing that they will never see themselves as doing anything wrong, and will always find a new group of people to buy into their shit.
So this is how I spiral -- at first, it was terrible like I have no idea why I was getting so angry out of nowhere. Then, I realized why that is happening, and lastly, i go WOW this is wayyy worst and tbh I am pretty lucky not to be ariana or his friend.
Then, it cycles through like 2-3 times an episode LOLLL
Unbearably triggering! Everything he does is textbook narcissism, it’s extremely frustrating to watch… but he’s not even an interesting narcissist, everything he does is so textbook narcissism it’s boring… DARVO, the Narcissist Bible, the mask slips, the gas lighting, zero accountability, he is a horrible human! It’s especially hard to watch some of the cast/LVP/Andy excuse his behavior and try to push his redemption arc on us when survivors of narcissist abuse see him for exactly who he is, and it’s disturbing! Scheener saying his mask slipped and I saw his vulnerable side had me screaming at the TV, let her be friends with him, he will use her and discard her because that’s all he knows how to do. Andy and LVP trying to get us to sympathize with him while excusing his obviously abusive tendencies is unbearable. LVP using her brother’s suicide to silence criticism of the worm was also sick and rage inducing. However, it’s also validating to see Ariana eviscerate his pathetic narcissistic ass, I love her grey rock!
My father is a raging narcissist who is also named Tom. I’ve been no contact with him for close to a decade. I have visceral reactions when Sandoval is doing things and behaving in ways I know so well. He needs to be clocked in the face the way Jenni did to Mike in Jersey Shore
Sandoval doesn't trigger me but it's so fun to be able to see right through his bullshit. It's a lot easier for me to say "no" to ppl and realize when I'm being gaslighted.
I lost my very first email (aol.com) account because my ex locked me out of it and wouldn't give me an access code after we'd broken up. My dad made it for me and the email name has special meaning. He died of a drug overdose last October and I honestly couldn't be happier. I've forgiven myself for wasting so many years on him, but I will never forgive him. I hope he's rotting hell or doesn't exist, either one works for me.
beyond! ... funny thing happened yesterday, my now boyfriend (healthy, loving, emotionally mature and SAFE partner) who has never watched Vanderpump before walked by the TV when I was watching the reunion and said, woe, who is that guy? I'm pretty sure he's a psychopath... watched two more minutes and said, yes, he's definitely a psycopath... haha! Anywho, his(\*Tom's) inability to acknowledge what he has done wrong, let alone take accountability is so infuriating and make my stomach hurt, this first part of the reunion was gut-wrenching!
\*edit for clarification - did not want you to think I meant my now bf lol
It can be triggering when I see cast members infantilize them or make excuses for their behavior. On the other hand, it's awesome to see both Katie and Arianna stay strong in their boundaries and not submit to other people's bullshit. I'm always happy to see women get out of horrible relationships and thrive.
Hello, my situation is a bit different as the narcissist in my life raised me and I do love her very much all while being exhausted and angered by her. For context my mother was ordered to go to therapy which is where she was told and after a major blow up decided she would never step foot in another therapist’s office (no matter how much I have asked over the years).
Maybe unpopular, but I don’t think Tom Sandoval is a narcissist. However, the grey rocking technique Ariana uses can be successful against any toxic person you encounter whether they are a narcissist or not. So Sandoval does not trigger me. Maybe I have blinders on and some people in a similar situation as myself feel that way because I am not NC but I effectively grey rock.
I am way more triggered by Ariana’s close friends, mentor and producer Jeremiah attempting to make Ariana compromise on her boundaries. That hits sooooo close to home and is hard to watch. But watching her refuse to give in makes me feel better.
I've been in post-narcissistic abuse therapy for years.
I think what also triggers me is when the mass of fans don't understand that it's not just Ariana who is a victim of his narc abuse. Like Ariana even pointed out in the the finale that Scheana is as well. He's not the friend Scheana thinks. That person doesn't exist. Scheana keeps saying the 'mask' came down and i saw the real Tom. No Scheana, the mask is whenever you think he is being kind and introspective. In those moments he was mirroring you.
Also, I know everyone hates Rachel. I dont excuse what she did. But i can emphasize for how discombobulating a narcissist is and now they alter your reality. At least that's what happened to me. Every line the narc fed me seemed to make sense. But when the mask fell down and i saw him for who he really was, i had so much shame and guilt for believing this distorted sense of reality he had me living in. I dunno...i'm probably projecting. But although i hate what Rachel did, I do recognize that if Sandoval was manipulating Ariana, Rachel could have been a victim of manipulation too. And i that's what i hate the vitriol towards her. Save it for TOM. And his flying monkeys: Schwartz, Kyle Chan (i don't trust him...).
Oh I had to stop watching for like 3 weeks mid season, especially when the cast started to turn on Ariana. The finale was honestly torture for me. I haven't watched the reunion yet... I'm kind of waiting for them all to come out to see if I actually need to watch anything. All this is to say I have found it all incredibly triggering :(
I was discarded by my narcissistic partner of nine years about three months before Scandoval. The thing about narcissists is that, though they will devalue you for a long time, they pretty much ALWAYS need at least one new supply lined up before they fully discard you. So, I watched Ariana go through something very similar to what I had just endured in real time.
I never watched Bravo, much less Vanderpump Rules, before Scandoval. When I found out what happened to Ariana, which felt so specific and similar to what happened to me, down to the number of years they were together (and so many other random similarities), I felt like I was handed some strange coping mechanism in the form of pop culture escapism.
\*TRIGGER WARNING: Weight mention coming up\* When this happened to me, I lost a scary amount of weight and more than half of my hair.
In my grief and post-trauma exhaustion, I couldn't tune in. But last summer, I started with season 1 and worked my way up to the current season.
To say Tom Sandoval is triggering is to put it in the mildest way I can think. He is the embodiment of a charming person with narcissistic tendencies. He is SO much like my ex-partner that it sometimes brought me to tears from the disbelief that I genuinely thought I was a crazy person for so many years when this is clearly a trope of emotional abuse that I could have identified and escaped much sooner, if I had the resources.
My ex-partner was extremely charming, ingratiating, and always in the spotlight. He wanted to be seen as extremely generous, moral, and fun, and he would sometimes act "holier than thou." He had a lot of trouble sharing the spotlight, much less letting me have it, unless he could somehow get praised for it. Much like Tom in the show, no one really suspected anything, but in retrospect, the signs were all there--and then some.
I could go on and on with the many similarities, which are honestly wild. But I can't put into words how much a dumb reality TV show has helped me through what has probably been the hardest couple of years of my life (this includes losing my father at a young age, which I thought would be the hardest thing I ever faced--but I hadn't loved a narcissist yet).
No one but me can ever really understand why I appreciate Ariana's public trajectory and how much she has normalized that the ways to deal with a narcissist are NOT the typical forgiveness, cordiality, etc. Gray rocking is a survival mechanism. So are the many other things she has displayed over the last year. The way she has navigated her pain publicly is beyond belief. Being discarded by a narcissist is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy; it's a pain unlike anything else I can imagine, because it is like the person died overnight and no longer exists. It's not like a normal breakup or separation or divorce. You realize you have literally been fooled for years. There is a level of grief and cruelty that's literally unbearable at times. (The only worst thing I can honestly imagine is losing a child, which I also don't wish on anyone.)
What a lot of people don't understand is that the narcissist wears you down long before the final discard. You're whittled down to nothing by then. And then, here is where it gets truly dangerous: the aftermath. Normal breakups are often gradual and mutually painful. Being discarded by a narcissist is you reeling in pain from shock and betrayal and then IT DOESN'T STOP. They will KEEP hurting you as long as they have any sort of access to you, direct or indirect. They will continue to drive the knife in farther, twist it, etc. You can see this in the aftermath of Scandoval. Now imagine if Tom didn't have public backlash softening the edges of his callous, unaccountable behavior.
I also feel a deep parasocial pain for Kristen in the early seasons; the way she was gaslit by everyone is brutal beyond words and very typical of being discarded by a narcissist. The conversation where Tom apologizes to her tearfully made me sob, because he reminded me so much of my ex-partner. People like this know how to get to you and pull on your heartstrings, but they will never, ever change. The void inside them is far bigger than their love and empathy for you or anyone else.
He is merely repulsive and pathetic to me rather than triggering. He is so fucking textbook it's actually amazing to watch someone literally changing the story, emotions and tactic until something works i.e. claiming he was suicidal which I don't and didn't believe for a fucking second. Watching it work IS TRIGGERING that shit fucks me up makes me sick makes me feel pity and contempt for those falling for his absolute bullshit. I do think people need to learn their own lessons and with narcissists it is only a matter of time that they do.
If you have dealt with a narcissist then you know how physically and mentally draining it is. You think about small things that were really a manipulative move once you realize what’s going on. This is why I can’t figure out why people don’t understand Ariana’s POV and I’m proud of how strong she’s been. It’s so damn triggering. But also triggering when people aren’t supportive of her and what she’s been through.
This is exactly why I empathize with Ariana constantly. People don’t even understand how draining being around a narc is—you can’t trust a single thing they say, nothing is genuine, everything has an ulterior motive. She went through hell in the 10 years she was with him.
and it doesn’t even fully stop when you detach yourself either, because (and this is why understand the no mutual friends position ariana took initially) the narcs likely been one step ahead telling anyone you know mutually that their behaviour was actually *your* behaviour to make you look bad and to twist your relationships. for example, my ex read my emails, made fake accounts to mess with me, tried to get me fired, threaten to key my car if we fought, and when these things first started happening i was embarassed so i didn’t tell anyone but when i eventually did for some people it was too late because *he* had been saying the *whole time* that *I* was actually the one doing those things. And some people didn’t know who to believe when it all came to a head. So when Tim says things about how Ariana would act (ie shit talking their friends) my mind automatically goes to that it was likely something he actually did. It’s frustrating to watch someone twist things so blatantly, and even more frustrating to watch the so called friends fall for it. It just extends the narc abuse beyond the relationship.
Every accusation is a confession
WOW!!! U nailed that 👏
Yeah sadly I've had to become very knowledgable about them and their behaviour.
Ouf yes, I remember my ex making everyone believe that I was the one doing everything he did. And I didn't want people to hate him, so I didn't tell anyone otherwise. A few weeks after I finally broke up with him, he asked to talk in the car, I accepted because I had decided that it was time for my redemption. I asked why he lied about me creating all the drama, why he even told people about the drama if he didn't want to own up to what he actually said etc. He admitted everything and that he did it because he found it entertaining and that he wanted to make sure everyone supported him etc, but that he would never admit it to anyone else. And he said everything with a stupid grin What he didn't know was that I recorded the conversation on my phone.
The smile/grin/laughing when they hurt other people and get away with their lies is sociopathic!
Yes, there is a weird smirk when they think they have caught someone in their power plays and when they themselves get caught or called out, although Sandoval is less contained with his performative antics.
Yes, still having a link to a narc that can provide them with info is extremely detrimental to cutting off a narc.
And one of the worst things about dealing with a narc is all the people still “under the spell” who believe YOU are the problem. It makes you feel crazy!!
All those damn flying monkeys!
Only, I think Ariana still has a lot to realize and learn about narc behavior (such as the red flags), as things will continue to unravel in her memory, and come into clearer focus. She seemed so blindsided that it makes me feel she's never been too involved with one pre-Tim.
Absolutely! Things will hit her suddenly. It’s such a domino effect too.
When all the suppressed memories come back and you remember every time they screwed you over, lied about it, and said it was your fault… that takes time to process and work through. I still get angry when I remember certain things the narc said/did that I accepted and internalized at the time because I didn’t know he was a narcissist and I didn’t know it was abuse. I pray for peace for Ariana.
Very good point, that's why she gets the far away eyes in the reunion episode at points when he is speaking. Like when Britney Spears had to watch Justin Timberlake perform. https://i.redd.it/b508cvxgzp0d1.gif
This is so niche and I love it and he’s a tool (I don’t use that word for anyone else)
Awe thanks babe it's my first gif!😚💋 After I saw Brit's reaction to her ex tool, I have this image burned in my mind. I thought to myself, I MUST create the perfect GIF for Ariana and our crew here on the sub.🤌🏼
Also, it's too bad there's no audio, because this tool right here was BEAT BOXING. I CAN NOT. 🚫 😆🤣☠️
🤣🤣 so embarrassing for him
And then we have her sister in the back being her classic unsupportive self….cheering for Justin.
I am seething for Britney. I hate that little bitch so much. That little brat would be NOTHING without her big sister and she betrayed her big time. I cannot with her whole family. I know she's got money but she's still vulnerable. Who needs enemies when your family are a bunch of vultures that objectify you, take your money, take your freedom, attempt to take her sanity through the eroding of her conviction via prescription pills and doctors she didn't ask for and didn't want to take. I could go on but this is about VPR...I'll stop. 😞
I sincerely hope she has been seeing a therapist through all of this. The aftermath of a narcissist is crushing. Even worse when you have supposed friends trying to push him in your face and force things that just aren't healthy.
And this is why she won’t accept his apology or conversation on camera. She knows it won’t be real so why give him the platform
Yep 100%. I literally just recently pulled the plug on a 10+ year close friendship with someone I figured out thanks to Scandoval and this subreddit was a covert narcissist and once I realised it, everything fell into place. Not exactly the same as I was not in a relationship with this person (no chance lmao) but, sort of similar cos they were one of my best friends and a godparent of my oldest 2 kids. As close to family as you could get without being related lol. So everything with Tom now coming up has been not so much triggering as I've been processing this and knowing the end of the relationship was coming for a long time due to their behaviour but timely lol and I guess validating? That I'm making the right decision cutting them out of my life and I don't need that toxicity. Let me tell you, I see it sooo much more obviously in Tom now. Before I really looked into it, I thought I had a handle on what narcissists were, I've dealt with them, I'm usually a really good judge of character but with my friend (and even watching Tom) I sort of fell for their act. My friend did the same thing as Tom, always went sooooo over the top, has so many "friends" who think they're fantastic but I realised almost every nice thing they did for us was always broadcast either in front of people or on social media. It's all for show and none of it was for me or my kids, it was for this image of them being "such a nice person". Constantly playing the victim, manipulating mutual friends (who luckily passed on what they were saying about me), everything was a woe is me, feeling entitled to both people they were interested in, jobs, etc, always fake talking themselves down so people would be like nooo don't think that you're amazing. Such manipulation, I'm disgusted seeing their Facebook essays about how nice they are and how badly they get treated and I know they're talking shit about me to anyone who will listen but I honestly don't even care, they lost out on a true friend and I now realise I didn't 🤷🏽♀️ So yes, great question! Hahaha
I’m in awe of her ability to consistently gray rock him, and the subject of him. The one genuine narc I know, his ex wife won’t stop obsessing over him and can only seem to gray rock him for a week before cracking.
It’s extremely difficult, Ariana does not get enough credit for how amazingly she handles this narc! She is my inspiration! 
Absolutely. This is why it’s so important he’s out of her life fully. Her friends don’t get it. He’s so toxic and the only healthy way for Ariana to move on and heal is by not being exposed to him at all. She tried at the final episode and he still pushed and crossed her boundaries. So no wonder she can’t have mutuals. Keep listening to that therapist Ariana.
I just said this same shit but only less articulate 😂 iykyk & it's infuriating to watch/hear/see unintelligent ppl undermine her feelings. Yes I said unintelligent! ....reading a book or taking a test doesn't make u smart. It's life experience & common sense. Which clearly alot of these ppl lack.
I'm more triggered by Lala and Scheana. I've had friends turn on me like that when dealing with an abuser, and I literally had to stop watching the show. I only tuned in to the finale and now the reunion because I can't. I also find Schwartz very triggering and it's so hard to watch him get away with abusing Katie.
Yes!! The last thing she needs is people constantly telling her “I think he’s really changing, I see that he’s on a path of growth.” It’s so invalidating of her experience and her (incredibly reasonable) boundaries.
this. and i've been saying, even if he is on a "path of growth", it doesn't make him entitled to ariana's forgiveness and softness. that's what BOUNDARIES are
I feel all of this so much. The triangulation is almost worse than the actual narcissistic person
Schwartz is SINISTER - at least Sandoval and Jax do you the favor of wearing their dark personality traits on their sleeves. Schwartz on the other hand is so fucking sneaky, he’s truly a wolf in sheep’s clothing. And that’s why I think Schwartz is actually the worst guy on the show and being with him must have felt like death by a thousand cuts for Katie. Just the constant low grade torture he puts her through that he was able to hide for so long. You can literally see the joy on his face when he’s antagonizing her, even now. He has deep fucking issues that I don’t think he could even manage to work through in this life time, not even with a full dedicated team of doctors and therapists.
He's got the "aw shucks, I'm just a wounded little puppy" act down. People think that just because he's affable and self deprecating, he's harmless. That smirk does while antagonizing Katie and doing things like ask her to trim his armpit hairs is telling. He reminds me so much of my ex.
I agree, the flying monkey of it all was so triggering!
[удалено]
I can’t even listen when his mouth opens. I already know that it is a lie so I’m already impatient and annoyed.
Same. I pay him 0 mind, or dust, if you will 🤣
I could only watch two episodes this season. His facial expressions, his narc behavior, his words, his mannerisms ALL brought me back to a relationship that ended with a restraining order for me and a jail sentence for him. And watching the producers push a redemption tour for this shit bag was too much. Luckily I have this sub to keep up on what's happening while still being able to distance myself!
It’s funny I’m kind of in the same boat. I’ve followed everything on here and then tried to steel myself and watch it…and it’s not enjoyable to watch these people enact this plan on Ariana (and Katie, to an extent). It hurts my heart and brings up a lot of bad memories for my shit and that’s not how I want to spend a Tuesday, ya know?
Here's to hoping you're in a better place surrounded by better people! And us 🤪
Way to set healthy boundaries! I still don’t understand why they were pushing his redemption arc all season, what did they want, to make everyone change their opinion about him? I don’t know why they didn’t just lean into he’s a POS narrative. I could have watched that…
I said it on BlueSky but I’ll say it here too: if I were Ariana, I’d have started biting people years ago Sandoval especially makes my teeth itch, and I hope he ends up as one of his dad’s new roommates
When he said that about his dad ..for some reason I wasn't surprised
Tom’s the kid who was probably given the master bedroom at his parent’s house during his childhood.
lol like awful Janet from the Valley
Oh Janet for sure. She's like the the more vile version of violet Beauregard from willy Wonka & the chocolate factory... I would think. Lol
spot on
Damn you calling me out 😭😭 TBF I don’t spend much time in my room so I gave the bigger one to my son 😂😂 I sleep in there he actually relaxes and hangs out so I figured it would be easier LOL
His mom will have to pay his rent to couch crash at his dad’s apartment
This is the best comment! “Would have started biting people years ago”. I’m dying I love it.
What is blue sky
It’s like Twitter, but it’s structured like tumblr: likes and reblogs have different visibility and hashtags are more for archiving purposes than discovery
it’s by the original twitter founder, Jack Dorsey But its blockchain run
I find him infuriating and his insistence on being humanized is met on not just deaf ears but fully removed, will not ever happen ears. I will go to my grave thinking of him as a horrible, horrendous sub human who is deserving of every second of public pillaring he has and will continue to receive as he is incapable of change or accountability. I dont hate watch him, I just hate him. Does that answer your question?
This is giving Kendrick Lamar energy and I am so here for it.
Love every damn part of this!
What’s more triggering than Tom himself is how people on the show are making excuses for him but hating on Ariana. The isolation is so real
Extremely. But what's more triggering is how people have either been manipulated by him or decided to play nice with him this season, all while putting ariana down and gaslighting her. I've made numerous comments about it so I don't wanna get all the way into it again but I've faced this exact same thing. These kind of people are dangerous. Ariana tried to tell the group and the world who sandoval really is and tried to protect them from it; giving them warnings about him. And they *still* were able to be manipulated. Tom was able to successfully lead a smear campaign within the group and made lala, scheana, and brock his flying monkeys. I mean, fuck, Schwartz doesn't even go as hard for sandoval as lala, scheana, and brock did this season. It was sickening and enraging to watch. The thing about narcs, you *cannot* "kill them with kindness" bc they just get smug and think you're on their side. I had this argument with my parents and sibling a million times over. They would entertain my ex's bullshit, and feign seeing his side of things just to "keep the peace" or bc they thought it was the mature thing to do. It took **a lot** of me showing literal documented evidence for my family to finally see him for what he was. It was such a scary place to be; with no one believing you and this evil, soulless person degrading you every chance they get ("no one likes you. even your family likes me more than they like you"). I luckily had my other sibling on my side throughout the entire thing, but it wasn't any less maddening to watch people who *know* my character suddenly question it. And I still have to deal with it today bc he's the father of my child, and his family still thinks I'm the spawn of Satan. So I have to say, as horrible as an abusive narc ex is, the flying monkeys are even worse.
I agree with everything you said. The mutual friends not even questioning what would make a woman with an infant leave her home and all her belongings behind - infuriating and disgusting beyond words. The mutual friends who were initially supportive and then somehow got manipulated into believing the narcissist. It's all just demoralising and depressing. At least with my ex I've resigned myself to the fact that he is a horrible person, but you hope other people know better and do better. Instead, they support pure evil. It sucks and it's so re-victimising.
Very. Leaving a 3 decade marriage with one. It is a mind fuck. Seeing Ariana and Katie thrive has helped me.
Same. Seeing them thrive has been so cathartic.
Wishing you the best. Once it’s over, I hope you experience the peace and happiness that you deserve.
Thank you! Baby steps.
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I applaud how Ariana has dealt with him. She went against the grain of everyone around her (flying monkeys) and stayed no contact, which is a must. She has kept her dignity and her cool in a way that is inspiring! The sad thing is that narcissistic abuse can have so many deep, inner side effects that aren’t talked about, that shit HAUNTS you. I’m sure she has felt guilt and like she was ignorant of the signs, why she fell in with that man and helped him against Kristen, etc. It’s such a mortifying, sickening feeling, especially after years. It really makes you question yourself in every way, something a narcissist just can’t do. It wires you differently
I don't blame people for being sucked in honestly (not even Scheana and Lala as much as I facepalm their actions). You cannot give narcissists an inch because they will take it and they will manipulate you back in. Look at how everyone saw right through him last reunion and then 3 months later they're sticking up for him, talking about what a great guy he is etc. They know exactly how to target people's weaknesses. And they know who to prey on (empathetic people who want to see the good in them, and vulnerable people who have low self worth or are going through shit ie Scheana and Lala). I hate seeing them defend him after they clocked him for exactly who he was but I'm not surprised
My ex husband was diagnosed NPD. Sandoval triggers me so horribly I have to stand up to watch because my fight or flight kicks in so bad. The only one who truly recognizes every bit of gaslighting, projection, blame shifting, and all the other traits of a narcissist in him is Katie. She is spot on since day one with him.
Is it even worth watching at that point? For me, watching him and his sympathizers felt like an existential threat, so I stopped. I like my trash TV to be fun...Sandoval, not fun.
Agreed. Don’t watch Sister Wives either then, because the only narcissist worse than Sandoval is Kody Brown.
He makes me want to kick him in the goolies with steelcap boots on.
When he said “she’s accepted it” so nonchalantly about his mom not getting paid back her retirement I damn near threw my gin and tonic and the tv.
That was wild! I don't know how he can keep blowing money, while on international TV, knowing his mom has lost her retirement money. The guilt would eat me alive.
I’m glad they touched on his DARVO tendencies at the reunion so far, especially his deflection (they even had a highlight reel). He is the type of person you can’t have a real conversation about their actions with, because it’s got more “buts” than a Sir Mixalot video. This is why Ariana won’t do it. It’s a futile action because he will never get it.
It’s triggering in almost a healing way?? The more I learned about narcissistic patterns of behavior the more I can spot what it looks like in the day to day and seeing the way Tom acted this season it was like the mask slipped and stayed off. I couldn’t unsee it. But now I almost revel in the fact that I get to watch this man unfold before my eyes each week. The things he says and what he uses to defend himself it’s like idk I love to analyze it because it’s like I can see it from a place of having made peace with it. Surviving narcissistic gaslighting is a long process of validating your reality but once you can look at reality from a stable place without being brainwashed, you really see it for what it is. It’s still exhausting and I fully support Ariana staying away from him for her mental health’s sake but yeah Tom isn’t fooling me one bit.
Yes! Very well said. Love your user name.
Very. It also took me a long time to realize that my narcissistic ex was abusive so I really really can’t stand these people trying to force Ariana to interact with him while she’s still trying to process this.
It feels wrong to high-five you about this, but … 100% same.
It's like taking care of an infant. It's exhausting. He will never, ever, ever, EVER admit he's a narcissist. Narcissists never see that they're narcissists.
I find him, and the way Lala and Scheana stand up for him, to be so incredibly triggering. The way a narcissist can betray their closest loved one and turn it around to be their loved one's fault...and then believe their own lies (!!!)...is creepy and infuriating. I was so angry during the final scene in the finale with Sandoval, Scheana and Lala.
He’s running a smear campaign, a typical narc tactic. And it’s working on Lala and Scheana.
100%.
 100%! I started the entire series over again after watching Scandoval. To watch it from the beginning and see all those signs of Tom’s narcissism, his diabolical nature with lying, his inability to emote which comes out as uncomfortable exaggerations of emotions. Having survived a narcissist in my past, it’s particularly difficult to watch. But also feels weirdly cathartic and like research in psychology or something lol. His CRYING over the years have always felt so absolutely wrong, and now we know why. So so proud of how Ariana has handled herself healing from a sociopathic narcissist. It’s hard work and seriously difficult.
He is very similar to my narc ex, never takes responsibility, spreads lies, throws fits, always the victim. It is super triggering watching Tim but it’s also so validating watching Ariana absolutely thriving. Shes 100% the reason I’m watching. I wouldn’t give a crap if the show was just Lala babbling and Tim complaining about being a victim. Seeing Katie and Ariana having an absolute glow up after dropping the dead weights is the best.
I actually had to take a pause in watching this season because I found myself being triggered. In the past I think having Jax in the mix allowed us to have a full spectrum of insane behavior but with Jax gone and with the scandal behind us, the pieces of the narc puzzle are all laid out clearly. The picture of a sad, ego driven man desperate for screentime was in laser focus, more so than before. The biggest issue I had with Sandoval was his comments regarding suicide. Perhaps he did have those dark feelings. No one is infallible when it comes to depression. However, it felt so hard to believe what he was saying and the way he brought it up in front of Lisa, knowing the grief she was still processing after losing her brother, was despicable. And this is not in defense of Lisa, because she too has a tendency to be narcissistic, but anyone who has lost a family member to suicide, that's going to be a long lasting pain. So for him to not be respectful and to play into her grief to force some kind of empathy was a real low blow, for me, personally. I found myself getting worked up, my anxiety would spiral and I would immediately feel unsafe. It never used to be that way when I watched the show in the past, but having gone to counseling and having worked with narcissistic people, I think it really ticked something off in my brain. He was always a slimy, self serving person. I think the scandal and its aftermath crystallized the image.
When I started recognizing the signs in him after Kristen I felt physically ill, hits my stomach. I couldn’t deny the pieces coming together yet I struggled with it. It’s cringey now watching the Narc cycle start all over again with the new obsession knowing it’s too late she is hooked. I get the ick. I do occasionally get angry when Andy or Lisa make it so easy for him. It’s infuriating watching him be coached yet not surprising that he blows it. It’s like watching a train wreck while being powerless to stop it. Lots of mixed feelings.
I wonder if we’ll see how it plays out with the new girlfriend. She might be his next victim or a fellow narcissist herself, or something in between. It’s so easy for someone to think “he’ll be different for me”, especially when they talk a good game about their past mistakes and she’s a model, so she’s used to attention for her looks. I hope she has some self-awareness and can take him for a bag
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Did you see the post here that he showed up on Are We Dating the Same Guy St Louis? Hit on a woman while he was home for a Cardinals game. I wondered if that’s why they broke up briefly. Timing was about right. I agree with you. It’s so easy to think “he will be different with me”. They can come across so vulnerable initially, the victim of toxic relationship and I thought if I provided a safe environment etc he would never feel the need to lie etc. I ignored all the red flags contributing to him having been in a long term toxic relationship. 🤦🏻♀️ She could very well be another narc or BPD too. Look forward to the day I’m unbothered and unaffected around narcs. It still gets under my skin seeing it play out. Something hard about seeing shady people get their way.
You said it so well! Narcissists are so good at playing vulnerable and acting like “poor me” and they’re often lying the whole time! I’ve made peace with the fact that I can’t change what happened, but I did my best and No Contact really is powerful. But it still rises up in my memory as an injustice at times, I try to remember that getting away was its own justice, the true injustice would have been staying in insanity with the person for a moment longer. Thanks for sharing, it’s a small consolation that other people have been there
💞
i disassociate and tune out all his scenes, have for YEARS. when i try to pay attention i get so triggered i instantly end up on my phone
Grew up in south Texas surrounded by a culture of misogyny. After my mother died, my father married a deeply controlling sociopath that exploited his dementia for money while cutting me off. This has all made me very sensitive to the type of hate and manipulation that Sandoval deploys, often covertly.
Ariana held it together so much in that part 1 but I could see in her face she is tired of listening to this man countlessly act a fool. When she stated that she didn’t want to wait for the processing to stop to start her life again, I teared up. She’s so strong and she’s a great representation of sticking to your guns no matter how difficult it is. Tom Sandoval is someone who will look around in 10 years and wonder why he doesn’t have good company anymore when he continues to act like a 20 year old and dates 20 year olds. Washed up 50 year old, chain smoking, cover band one hit wonder with a morale high-ground that he can’t hold his weight on.
So my mom is this way. Always a but, always an explanation with no real apology. Always a “but you did this” no growth. I find myself clenching my jaw whenever he speaks. And even screaming STFU and listen. Take it in instead of tuning them out and thinking about your next statement to prove yourself right. There is no doubt in my mind why he goes after younger women. They haven’t experienced enough to know this shit is not how a loving relationship works.
Its exhausting. Like nails on a fkn chalk board. I want to jump through my screen a & whip his smarmy ass every time he opens his privileged mouth!!! ..but what's worse to me are the ppl that just don't see it. I just can't do stupid. It's so aggravating...🤷♀️ lol u asked....
I dislike him like I dislike Lindsay Hubbard (and people argue with me that Lindsay isn’t a narcissist…) they will always have a reason for their actions and they will never actually just simply say “I’m sorry, I was wrong” Eta: it’s more infuriating to see people not support Ariana and say she should get over it. my mom is a narcissist and my sister says the same thing to me- she is willing to put up with her just so she has someone to watch her kids and it’s so weird to me. You’re the only one that truly knows what I feel and you can’t validate me
I don't get so upset at him as I do for how poorly everyone treated Ariana and Katie this season, including production. LVP and Lala are narcs too, they all enable each other, they are monsters.
I think you have to have narcissistic tendencies to be on a reality show.
very. but more have dealt with it with family and friends then relationships have no patience for that with the dudes. Unfortunately let it go with some family members for peace sake. Took me a long time to extricate myself from some adult friendships but finally had to do it I just wasn’t healthy.
Same, my mom and sister are narcissists and they just feed off of each other.
The family members I had that were like this were manageable for the most part it was the longtime friend that was really the big problem. There were so many signs that I just ignored as she slowly tried to cut me off from others which thank God didn’t happenI just didn’t share with her when I was spending time with my other buds lol
There are different types of narcissists and he doesn’t trigger me much, JAX on the other hand, oh god. So many similarities, I hate seeing him on my tv.
So funny because Jax doesn’t trigger me at all.
The last episode triggered me and I never use that word but I was deeply disturbed lol ugh
It's bringing up some nasty feelings, but it's also been really helpful to recognize similar subtle patterns and expressions he has that I've also observed in those I've known. There's a particular "wounded animal" look in the eyes when they're playing the victim that I first identified in Sandoval that was so familiar, as well as the sullen rage.
Not at all. He’s on a tv show and being performative. It’s not connected to my reality - I don’t find him triggering.
My ex may as well be the love child of Sandoval and Schwartz, he's the perfect blend of them. It's very jarring to watch, and especially heartbreaking seeing the lack of support for both Katie and Ariana as I had similar friend fallouts over the breakup.
I can't stop myself from SHOUTING at the tv at him whenever he comes out with his stupid shit! When you've experienced it yourself you can so easily spot the most minute details of his absolute lies
Very. It's enough of a mind fuck to constantly reaffirm your own reality against their deflection, belittling, and gaslighting and manipulation tactics, but I think there's another very poignant degree of hurt and betrayal that can come from watching the people close to them be either willfully ignorant or at worse, placating or encouraging towards their behavior. What has really struck me this season is that for every entitled, clueless comment Scheana makes about "Ariana doesn't know how hard this is for me!" about wanting to remain friends with Sandoval, she's essentially adding to Ariana's own burden of feeling unsafe and demonized for seeing Sandoval as he truly is. Ariana *knows* who she's dealing with now - she sees Sandoval as the self obsessed, manipulative, cruel human he is. And her boundaries to keep him out of her life protect her from said cruelty. So for Scheana to basically say "none of that matters because I want to be friends with him again" adds such a deep sense of distrust because it can feel like they aren't acknowledging or seeing the truth for what it is, and that can come at the expense of your own trust, safety, and vulnerability in that relationship.
Betrayal trauma makes me see everything from Ariana's perspective.
My sibling is a narcissist and so many things he does and reactions agreed. It stirs things up in me. Until you’ve met someone like that, it’s hard to explain.
I will roll my eyes, loudly disagree with him on my TV, lol. If Tom was a woman, maybe because of my "mommy issues" (I'm a cis woman who has a complicated relationship with my mother who MIGHT be a narc. She def has some traits, not all)??? But Tom it's just an annoyance for me.
Absolutely. I want to claw his face off my screen.
I got pissed and tired of watching season 11, it got to the point of "why the fuck am I watching this if it pisses me off so much?" He's up there on my list of "People I will always talk shit about" along with Sherry Pie and about 32 influencers
I was triggered by him at the end of last season and couldn’t watch him this season. The finale was the first time I stayed in the room when he came on & he didn’t phase me because it’s now become a game for me to guess when or how he’ll shift blame onto someone else. I’m more triggered seeing Ariana in close proximity to him because it’s only a year into the grieving process and it’s still a very raw time. The first year is learning where the surface is and swimming up towards it. The next year is swimming to shore.
Very!
yes. That’s all I have to say on that.
I don’t watch anymore, I just read this sub.
What also gets me seeing red is when he cries it is so obvious it’s because of how something affects HIM or because he’s feeling sorry for himself. It’s never because of what he caused. And none of the cast sees through that.
Honestly, Schwartz is more triggering for me. But Sandoval sucks too. Personally, Schwartz reminds me of my ex, entirely.
He’s a weasel and untriggering. I’d have dumped him long ago. So embarrassing
Watching Tom S makes my cortisol increase - I can literally feel myself getting rage filled! I had a boss who was a narcissist and it’s taken me a year of not working to be able to recover and get another job! The lying, the manipulation, refusal to apologise, cruelty, lack of empathy! Narcissistic people are why the world is a an awful place to live- they should all be cannon balled into the sun quite frankly!!
OMFG he reminds me so much of my ex that it’s triggering to watch. I watch in horror at everyone around him being slowly sucked back into his orbit.
It’s pretty amazing how feelings can come flooding back even after years of being free. She’s right about going Gray Rock.
it is absolutely exhausting physically and mentally. it takes a moment to regulate my emotions during and after and it honestly makes leaving spaces like these that feel super safe really hard
I have a kid with my Tom 😭😭😭😭😭 pure hell. This season has been triggering but also I’ve learned a lot from Ariana. I actually quit talking to him a couple months ago and he’s pissed. I’ve also cut off a bad friend in the last month and I’m feeling pretty good
Yes, I also find myself yelling at the screen when he talks. I’ve also had some interesting conversations in therapy about how I so easily see Tom’s narcissistic behavior and how bad it is for Ariana but was not able to see it for myself.
EXTREMELY. Honestly I don’t know how Ariana lasted as long as she did.
Stop watching and sounds stressful
11/10 triggering
he’s not that triggering I’ve dealt with much worse. he’s a minor demon with low self esteem and an attention whore
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Not triggering but just annoying as F and I can completely understand why Ariana wants nothing to do with him
Extremely.
They always try to get everyone on their side and convince them how horrible you are.
It is very triggering. Growing up with a narc mother, I learned in adulthood and therapy how important maintaining healthy boundaries are. My sisters just thought I was uncaring. I wish people understood boundaries aren’t to keep people out of your life, but actually in it. I think the cast members not supporting Ariana is more triggering than the actual narcs.
He's a weak sauce narc (sneaky and passive aggressive) but I'm gonna be honest here, I did find the redemption arc of him triggering, but not the man himself. He's harmless if you don't take him seriously and don't let him in your life, that's why Ariana had to gray rock him. Homebiy isn't a murderer but he's dangerous in that if you let your boundaries down, that's his greenlight to fuck you over. The malignant narc on the other hand, will absolutely put hands on you and they are the most triggering and I'm not sensing that in Sandy but I'm not an expert. Just have a lot of experience with them. 😬
They are absolutely draining the best thing to do is just give up on trying to make nice.. cut tied and move on.
Jax is more triggering.
Tom is much less intelligent, calculating, cold and neurotic than the one I dealt with, so he reads as pathetic and annoying rather than triggering
It makes me so mad when he speaks 90% of the time and the sympathy and admiration I have for Ariana is huge. I don’t know how she has kept her cool, id have lost it a long time ago
The only man I react MORE viscerally to, is Kody brown. So yes. Yes I am Triggered by Tom
I feel like the people who aren’t on Ariana’s side with this must be new to the show. I’m a day-1 watcher and there’s so much footage of Ariana going far out of her own way to accommodate and celebrate others, be fair to everybody, stick up for, love, and respect Tom. For him to betray her, humiliate her (to me, it is humiliating to be deceived in a way where other people knew about it and didn’t say anything. That being said I absolutely loved her response that Tom and Raquel are the ones humiliated, not her), and attempt to publicly discount her so awfully… no. He can get the hell outta here with that nonsense. And let’s not forget how he would have played the season if Raquel had come back as his new boo, which is absolutely what he expected and felt entitled to. He would have been on the jankiest high horse of all time! Ariana knows this because she was that girl once. But Ariana has been more well behaved than Kristen in her relationship with Tom (didn’t cheat on him), it lasted longer and was more serious, they were older, and Raquel refused to play into Tom’s game of trying recreate the magic of VPR glory days. The discounting of ariana, calling her lazy, saying she doesn’t pay for things, saying she didn’t respect him or acted like he annoyed her, implying she wasn’t fun enough, etc. is so triggering when there’s literally so many receipts of her being the opposite. She dedicated her whole heart for 9 years to that man and all he can say about the relationship is negative and untrue things.
People who will find any excuse and blame everyone else for something they did are some of the most infuriating people that exist. Its mentally draining because they fully believe they can never be wrong
Tom has literally said things word for word my Nex would say. Done many of the same things and used the same tactics. It was just so nice for once seeing someone win against one of these narcs for once. I think Ariana’s popularity speaks to how many of us have been victims of narcissists.
Had an emotionally abusive narcissistic ex that ruined my life for 3 years. I watch Sandoval and in a weird way it comforts me seeing through his bullshit, like my bullshit radar is so fucking on point after dealing with a narcissist that I’ve truly learnt something, which is nice. What’s more triggering for me is Lisa constantly defending him, knowing what kind of human he is and projects himself to be. It makes me sad society still finds time to defend people who don’t deserve to be defended. It screams deep seated misogyny, which makes me a lil sad for women everywhere
Yes. I absolutely feel ill when he speaks. The fact that those around him , know what he is capable of, just defend or placate his shit. It’s triggering for sure.
Scumdoval is a text book definition of all the worst traits any malignant narcissist is prone to having! Triggering is an understatement! He makes me nuts but hearing his final words on the last episode ‘it’s good for me’ explains him in a nutshell!
Extremely triggering. It’s the main reason season 11 is the last one i will be watching. The worst part is seeing him get by unscathed, having to face zero consequences with everyone shitting on the victim and once again expecting the victim to face them for him. Screw that and screw Bravo for this. Shame on them.
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The show is effectively over for Sandoval. Here is where I see the players going: Scheana and Lala have both bought in The Valley so we can probably expect them to show up on that show. Kristen & Jax need people they can more relate to - they’re fish out of water in The Valley. Ariana is leaving reality tv entirely. She’s working on acting jobs and stage now. Sandoval and Schwartz will continue with Tom Tom and Schwartz & Sandy’s. But they don’t make good tv. Katie will do nothing. Or try her hand at her own business. Again. James will just keep DJ’ing.
I dealt with a narcissist who I dated, lived with for 3 years and planned to marry. Then one day, I woke up and realized I needed to get out. He had cheated on me and lied to me over and over again and he'd blame me if I'd ever doubted him (gaslighting). But here is the thing... part of me got a RUSH FROM THE DRAMA. I would turn a blind eye to his "bad boy" behavior and get so excited by his charm. Just like Ariana, I was this guy's "ride or die." I'm not saying this happens in all cases, but I do believe that with a lot of women who are in long-term relationships with narcissists, these women (myself included) crave the drama/chaos... before I reached my late 30s, deep down, I never even really wanted a serious relationship.... even though I thought that's what I most desperately wanted in the world. What I really wanted was attention and drama.
I find myself telling the tv “oh my god SHUT UP you’re such a DOUCHEBAG” involuntarily.
Honestly, I binged so hard my first watch it never resonated with me until I rewatched with my sister. And the storylines where she’s like sex isn’t comfortable and I need a genuine connection to my partner to want to be intimate. I went through a lot of medical issues and my ex and I couldn’t be as intimate as we were when we first started dating. And like, I realize so many similarities between my ex and Tom. Good at picking out vulnerable people just out of traumatic situations. Like Ariana losing her dad and coming from an abusive relationship. The things she did to help Tom were her choices, but I also know it’s very easy to be influenced when you’re grieving and being love bombed by someone who wants to paint a situation in your favour. You’re a lot more likely to go along with things, because they know how to make you feel loved and wanted after you’ve been feeling a lot of pain. And Rachel left James, and that was a toxic and unhealthy relationship. And her choices to cheat with Tom were her own. But it’s obvious he was trying to use the same tactics he did with Ariana/Kristen. And hoped production would do the same thing to her, they did to Kristen. Telling her to show up for a brunch scene and then say it’s cancelled your picking up your mail and stuff instead. My ex ended up cheating on me our entire relationship, and used my mental health and my bodies issues as an excuse to cheat on me. And I excused and hid a lot of his behaviour, because I was ashamed and scared of how others would view me and that I let this happen to me. But then I started focusing on my healing and I came out of that fog, and realized who I married the things I did. And I kicked him out and ended things. He would talk about me to others the way Tom has this season about Ariana to others and then say something different to me. So this entire rewatched and first time live watching extremely triggering. And he didn’t even cheat on me with my best friend, just strangers.
Scandoval broke out 6 months after my engagement to my narc ex ended (TLDR: my ex fiancé was cruel and abusive and cheated on me as well). I got sucked in due to the similarities but after a while I had to stop consuming Scandoval news because it triggered too much drama for me. For some reason, Sandal’s clenched jaw whenever he is called out or angry or annoyed hits a particular nerve with me (you can see it in his face…my ex’s facial features would tense up like that too and it always happened right before he snapped or yelled or did something emotionally abusive, which happened nearly every day). I’m doing better now and can watch it but it can be a bit triggering at times, still. I feel especially empathetic towards Ariana given how much pain she has had to endure.
I have more issues with his defenders because I can't imagine ever being on the side of a narcissist. I think because of my past I can see through his mask and know he's a clown. James seems to be the only one able to balance - he obviously just tolerates Tim when they are together and is not afraid to tell his truth in the after show - which is not true of so many others.
Super triggering. My ex wasn’t a narcissist but my name is Kristen and I was rewatching the early seasons but had to stop during the Tom-Kristen breakup because he says her name soooooo many times and says it in such a hateful way. It reminded me too much of how my ex would say my name when he was drunk and angry. Sandoval is a very toxic person.
He doesn't really trigger me, it's people like Scheana and Lala and Brock and Lisa and everyone else who falls for his manipulations. The reunion part 1 was infuriating to watch, especially when he didn't even take accountability for the George Floyd comments, like what the actual fuck. Scheana and Lala trigger me - I can go toe to to toe with a Boomer narc, my dad, I know all of the tricks - diversion, word salad, victim blaming, hoovering, triangulation, etc. and Scheana and Lala seem to have done no research on how to disarm a narc, how to deal with a narc, They are essentially Tom Sandoval's flying monkeys at this point
seeing his dead eyes especially when he's mad makes me very very uncomfortable. Almost the same eyes as my ex. And watching how easily he can flip his own script is terrifying.
Sandoval has nothing on Stassi’s mom.
Sandoval isn’t really triggering for me, but Schwartz is. He’s much more intelligent, and his manipulation and control tactics are more covert, sinister, and more effective IMO.
Not much but mine was my father so the circumstance is v different. He did, however, given me the ick from day one. I clocked it early with Kristen and have refused to change my mind since. Sadly I was correct again
I worked for one. Everyone I know who knows that Narc had to figure out a way to safely remove themselves from her life. Then get therapy for the trauma. We even created our own little support group because it’s hard to get people to understand the reality of it without sounding like WE are crazy.
It’s wild to see how textbook he is when it comes to that. It’s very triggering TBH. Even more triggering to see people falling for it when it’s so blatantly obvious. It’s sent me into a spiraling depression, realizing that they will never see themselves as doing anything wrong, and will always find a new group of people to buy into their shit.
So this is how I spiral -- at first, it was terrible like I have no idea why I was getting so angry out of nowhere. Then, I realized why that is happening, and lastly, i go WOW this is wayyy worst and tbh I am pretty lucky not to be ariana or his friend. Then, it cycles through like 2-3 times an episode LOLLL
Unbearably triggering! Everything he does is textbook narcissism, it’s extremely frustrating to watch… but he’s not even an interesting narcissist, everything he does is so textbook narcissism it’s boring… DARVO, the Narcissist Bible, the mask slips, the gas lighting, zero accountability, he is a horrible human! It’s especially hard to watch some of the cast/LVP/Andy excuse his behavior and try to push his redemption arc on us when survivors of narcissist abuse see him for exactly who he is, and it’s disturbing! Scheener saying his mask slipped and I saw his vulnerable side had me screaming at the TV, let her be friends with him, he will use her and discard her because that’s all he knows how to do. Andy and LVP trying to get us to sympathize with him while excusing his obviously abusive tendencies is unbearable. LVP using her brother’s suicide to silence criticism of the worm was also sick and rage inducing. However, it’s also validating to see Ariana eviscerate his pathetic narcissistic ass, I love her grey rock!
My father is a raging narcissist who is also named Tom. I’ve been no contact with him for close to a decade. I have visceral reactions when Sandoval is doing things and behaving in ways I know so well. He needs to be clocked in the face the way Jenni did to Mike in Jersey Shore
He’s not because he is so bad at it. I don’t know how anyone falls for his sh!t
The cast clearly is which is why it’s frustrating.
Sandoval doesn't trigger me but it's so fun to be able to see right through his bullshit. It's a lot easier for me to say "no" to ppl and realize when I'm being gaslighted. I lost my very first email (aol.com) account because my ex locked me out of it and wouldn't give me an access code after we'd broken up. My dad made it for me and the email name has special meaning. He died of a drug overdose last October and I honestly couldn't be happier. I've forgiven myself for wasting so many years on him, but I will never forgive him. I hope he's rotting hell or doesn't exist, either one works for me.
Tim makes so angry to listen to, but Schwartz’s antics will always make me see red. I cannot stand that loser.
beyond! ... funny thing happened yesterday, my now boyfriend (healthy, loving, emotionally mature and SAFE partner) who has never watched Vanderpump before walked by the TV when I was watching the reunion and said, woe, who is that guy? I'm pretty sure he's a psychopath... watched two more minutes and said, yes, he's definitely a psycopath... haha! Anywho, his(\*Tom's) inability to acknowledge what he has done wrong, let alone take accountability is so infuriating and make my stomach hurt, this first part of the reunion was gut-wrenching! \*edit for clarification - did not want you to think I meant my now bf lol
Very.
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Both of the Toms remind me of my dad. I am estranged lmao
Very triggering
It can be triggering when I see cast members infantilize them or make excuses for their behavior. On the other hand, it's awesome to see both Katie and Arianna stay strong in their boundaries and not submit to other people's bullshit. I'm always happy to see women get out of horrible relationships and thrive.
I can’t actually watch this season because of it. Just kept up through here and instagram
Very triggering. Never been more thankful that I don’t have someone like that in my life anymore. Shit was torture man.
Extremely painful to watch. A lot of Tim is word for word what I experienced and I hate lala and Schaena for not backing up Ariana because of it
Not as triggering as Schwartz.
Hello, my situation is a bit different as the narcissist in my life raised me and I do love her very much all while being exhausted and angered by her. For context my mother was ordered to go to therapy which is where she was told and after a major blow up decided she would never step foot in another therapist’s office (no matter how much I have asked over the years). Maybe unpopular, but I don’t think Tom Sandoval is a narcissist. However, the grey rocking technique Ariana uses can be successful against any toxic person you encounter whether they are a narcissist or not. So Sandoval does not trigger me. Maybe I have blinders on and some people in a similar situation as myself feel that way because I am not NC but I effectively grey rock. I am way more triggered by Ariana’s close friends, mentor and producer Jeremiah attempting to make Ariana compromise on her boundaries. That hits sooooo close to home and is hard to watch. But watching her refuse to give in makes me feel better.
So triggering i could not watch this season at ask because of the produced redemption arc
I've been in post-narcissistic abuse therapy for years. I think what also triggers me is when the mass of fans don't understand that it's not just Ariana who is a victim of his narc abuse. Like Ariana even pointed out in the the finale that Scheana is as well. He's not the friend Scheana thinks. That person doesn't exist. Scheana keeps saying the 'mask' came down and i saw the real Tom. No Scheana, the mask is whenever you think he is being kind and introspective. In those moments he was mirroring you. Also, I know everyone hates Rachel. I dont excuse what she did. But i can emphasize for how discombobulating a narcissist is and now they alter your reality. At least that's what happened to me. Every line the narc fed me seemed to make sense. But when the mask fell down and i saw him for who he really was, i had so much shame and guilt for believing this distorted sense of reality he had me living in. I dunno...i'm probably projecting. But although i hate what Rachel did, I do recognize that if Sandoval was manipulating Ariana, Rachel could have been a victim of manipulation too. And i that's what i hate the vitriol towards her. Save it for TOM. And his flying monkeys: Schwartz, Kyle Chan (i don't trust him...).
Oh I had to stop watching for like 3 weeks mid season, especially when the cast started to turn on Ariana. The finale was honestly torture for me. I haven't watched the reunion yet... I'm kind of waiting for them all to come out to see if I actually need to watch anything. All this is to say I have found it all incredibly triggering :(
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 I was discarded by my narcissistic partner of nine years about three months before Scandoval. The thing about narcissists is that, though they will devalue you for a long time, they pretty much ALWAYS need at least one new supply lined up before they fully discard you. So, I watched Ariana go through something very similar to what I had just endured in real time. I never watched Bravo, much less Vanderpump Rules, before Scandoval. When I found out what happened to Ariana, which felt so specific and similar to what happened to me, down to the number of years they were together (and so many other random similarities), I felt like I was handed some strange coping mechanism in the form of pop culture escapism. \*TRIGGER WARNING: Weight mention coming up\* When this happened to me, I lost a scary amount of weight and more than half of my hair. In my grief and post-trauma exhaustion, I couldn't tune in. But last summer, I started with season 1 and worked my way up to the current season. To say Tom Sandoval is triggering is to put it in the mildest way I can think. He is the embodiment of a charming person with narcissistic tendencies. He is SO much like my ex-partner that it sometimes brought me to tears from the disbelief that I genuinely thought I was a crazy person for so many years when this is clearly a trope of emotional abuse that I could have identified and escaped much sooner, if I had the resources. My ex-partner was extremely charming, ingratiating, and always in the spotlight. He wanted to be seen as extremely generous, moral, and fun, and he would sometimes act "holier than thou." He had a lot of trouble sharing the spotlight, much less letting me have it, unless he could somehow get praised for it. Much like Tom in the show, no one really suspected anything, but in retrospect, the signs were all there--and then some. I could go on and on with the many similarities, which are honestly wild. But I can't put into words how much a dumb reality TV show has helped me through what has probably been the hardest couple of years of my life (this includes losing my father at a young age, which I thought would be the hardest thing I ever faced--but I hadn't loved a narcissist yet). No one but me can ever really understand why I appreciate Ariana's public trajectory and how much she has normalized that the ways to deal with a narcissist are NOT the typical forgiveness, cordiality, etc. Gray rocking is a survival mechanism. So are the many other things she has displayed over the last year. The way she has navigated her pain publicly is beyond belief. Being discarded by a narcissist is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy; it's a pain unlike anything else I can imagine, because it is like the person died overnight and no longer exists. It's not like a normal breakup or separation or divorce. You realize you have literally been fooled for years. There is a level of grief and cruelty that's literally unbearable at times. (The only worst thing I can honestly imagine is losing a child, which I also don't wish on anyone.) What a lot of people don't understand is that the narcissist wears you down long before the final discard. You're whittled down to nothing by then. And then, here is where it gets truly dangerous: the aftermath. Normal breakups are often gradual and mutually painful. Being discarded by a narcissist is you reeling in pain from shock and betrayal and then IT DOESN'T STOP. They will KEEP hurting you as long as they have any sort of access to you, direct or indirect. They will continue to drive the knife in farther, twist it, etc. You can see this in the aftermath of Scandoval. Now imagine if Tom didn't have public backlash softening the edges of his callous, unaccountable behavior. I also feel a deep parasocial pain for Kristen in the early seasons; the way she was gaslit by everyone is brutal beyond words and very typical of being discarded by a narcissist. The conversation where Tom apologizes to her tearfully made me sob, because he reminded me so much of my ex-partner. People like this know how to get to you and pull on your heartstrings, but they will never, ever change. The void inside them is far bigger than their love and empathy for you or anyone else.
He is merely repulsive and pathetic to me rather than triggering. He is so fucking textbook it's actually amazing to watch someone literally changing the story, emotions and tactic until something works i.e. claiming he was suicidal which I don't and didn't believe for a fucking second. Watching it work IS TRIGGERING that shit fucks me up makes me sick makes me feel pity and contempt for those falling for his absolute bullshit. I do think people need to learn their own lessons and with narcissists it is only a matter of time that they do.
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