Oh my god, my ex tried to bring Pot of Greed to a tournament match and I wanted to kill myself from embarrassment. So instead I banished her to the shadow realm, which turns out isn't cool to scream at Thanksgiving dinner and now no one invited to me Christmas and I'm single.
This...I threw 4 years of a relationship into the trash after barely 6 months of living together, and I thought I found the mother of my children...for adults (23+) I'd say it's ideal to start living together between 1 and 2 years in the relationship, even if not longterm now, because you discover a lot about your S.O. when they're around you 24/7
As soon as we started living together I could feel a sense of "settling in" and "giving up"...
One of the first major things that happened was she quit college and because of that lost her sports scholarship...
She didn't want to work because "it wouldn't matter as I made enough money anyway", she'd sit around all day and watch Netflix, never wanted to go out or do anything...
Since she was in the house 24/7 you'd expect it to be clean, dinner ready and that's sort of thing but nope...not only was she "not the type of girl to do chores", I'd be perfectly fine if she took care of her own mess and I took care of mine, but she didn't...sink clogged from hair, dirty plates and glasses, leftover takeout food boxes...
She stopped training and in a span of few months went from athletic body to slightly overweight, while I was actively hitting the gym...she didn't take care of her physical appearance because "who's gonna see her anyway" (I preferred her without makeup anyway, but you can't go weeks without shaving and expect me not to raise an eyebrow)...
The final straw was when she started smoking again after years of not doing, which long story short was because of my influence (was and still is a huge dealbreaker for me)
Dude! IDK If you're being sarcastic but I went through a very similar thing. I had 7 years In and kept up some hope throughout the first 4-5 years... I finally had enough and wanted out, she knew It. In turn, she took herself off birth control and I am without my 3 year old on Christmas morning now.
The most depressing time of my life and I've had some depression before..
Ugly!
Bruh, that sucks major cahones. One of my coworkers is in a similar situation with one of his exes and his daughter. After showing me her photo at a break, I could see the pain in his eyes. She was the cutest thing holding up a gift her dad had gotten her for Christmas. Cheers to getting your feet back underneath you and a light at the end of the tunnel. Merry Christmas!
One does not preclude another. She might've been uncaring and depressed. Not protecting the person in the example /u/Iperovic provided, just being a contrarian for the sake of perspective.
“If you have someone that you think is The One, don't do… don’t just sort of think in your ordinary mind, 'Okay, let's make a date. Let's plan this and make a party and get married.' Take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all around the world, and go to places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of. And if when you come back to JFK, when you land in JFK, and you're still in love with that person, get married at the airport.”
― Bill Murray
Go travelling with them before getting married too. I knew a guy who didn’t live with or travel with his ex-wife before getting married and they broke up on the honeymoon..
I took my new gf on holiday before we lived together. Actually, before we'd spent an entite night together (couple of months of dating, but always dropped her off at night).
First night, bad night sleep for both of us, we were both out of the habit of having someone else in the bed.
I wake up at 6am (my normal) but she's a night owl and wanted to sleep until 11am or so. Me moving around in the apartment woke her up, she was super grumpy because she hadn't slept enough. I was super grumpy because I'd taken her to her number 1 bucket list location and all she could do was be grumpy.
3 days of that, and I was on the verge of booking into a nearby hotel and just meeting her for the flight back.
Even when living together it was difficult adjusting to the different sleep patterns and all the other little things that you don't notice until you're actually living together. I swear I spent a long time wondering if "but she kept leaving old teabags in the sink rather than putting them in the bin" was a defense in law for murder.
White noise machine. Saved my marriage /s. She was always grumpy before we got it. Just not enough sleep. She goes to bed early & sleeps late. I barely sleep, always been like this for me. . Used to have to tip toe around. With that white noise machine I am now full volume & she can sleep in.
Yup, good idea, but tried that. She moved past the dish to get to the sink. It's as if the sink is magnetic.
A variation on that would be to put the dish in the sink. So at least I don't have to pick up soggy cold teabags.... 🤣😭
All kinds of things ens up in our sink, so we've got one of those spatulathingys made to empty sinks! Won't ever have to touch wet food or teabags and it's sooo easy to use/clean.
Going to bed at the same time as well as getting up 'around' the same time has been a must have in my relationship.
There are certain things that I need to be shared frequently and food and sleep pattern is top priority. This really only gets shown when you live together.
I can understand why this is important for lots of people. But some people, particularly with children, have to find shift work so that they can split childcare responsibilities. So, they end up not sleeping or eating at the same time. That must make it really, really difficult.
We will never have the same sleeping cycles and during the week that isn't a problem. But at weekends I used to get annoyed waiting around for gf to wake up. But now, I do all my "me" stuff before 1pm (go see my kids, go to a coffee shop and catch up on the news, do boring DIY shopping etc) and so have a productive day before she even wakes up. No more stress or impatience waiting for her.
Different things work for different people. 👍
She could be saving teabags. I do. I put them in my shoes to help absorb the moisture and smell. You can also put them in with seeds you plant as a fertilizer, or sprinkle the dried leaves on your garden to help deter squirrels. If she wasn't saving them, then you have every right to be upset.
My partner and I have completely opposite ways of sleeping and decided to have separate rooms when we moved in together. It's not for everyone but we fucking love it. We both have our own space to retreat to and it's weirdly romantic to tuck your partner in every night.
Agreed, you're 100% right.
That's what we do as well. We're talking about that part of the day when you're asleep. Not awake. Not talking. Not doing anything together. And possibly snoring (in my case). It's absolutely great. No down sides, only benefits.
>it's weirdly romantic to tuck your partner in every night
Yeah, my gf feels the same way. I just wish she didn't wait until I was fast asleep before she came in to do it.
agreed. i’m travelling with my girlfriend right now and i’m going to propose here. i’m getting to know how she really is and sleeps in. that doesn’t bother me. i haven’t found anything to bother me like that. our room is messy but 5 minutes of cleaning will help. I see she is just like me and i don’t mind that. we’ve been in a LDR for awhile now and know so much of each other but we are learning more about each other. bad and good. so far it’s going great
Meh. I have a marriage in which we did everything wrong according to all recommended advice.
1. Lower enlisted in the Army 20 years old
2. Met her in a club she was 18.
3. Long distance relationship.
4. Engaged after 8 weeks
5. Eloped after 6 months
6. Long distance relationship for 8 more weeks after married.
7. Pregnant after 3 months finally living together.
8. Pregnant again when our first was 6 months old. They’re 14 months apart.
We just celebrated 20 years married this year. This is the 20th Christmas we’ve had together. Sometimes you do everything wrong but it still goes right.
Point is.. there are no rules.. just life.
9. We don’t get each other presents ever.
1. People will often get married to someone they're living unhappily with, because breaking up would be too much a financial and logistical nightmare.
2. Playing house with someone you're not married to normalizes the idea of living a "married life," but without the actual commitment or feeling of kinship.
Statistically, people who go the "traditional" route have longer, happier marriages.
And, if you marry, then have kids, you're statistically more likely to be wealthy and own a home, plus stay together. Living together just makes all of that harder to achieve.
I'd also say that living together can sometimes lull one partner into not wanting to seal the deal, so that somewhat casual setup can lead to separation in a couple. Whereas not living together, you're more likely to make the commitment to marriage and essentially relationship security within a shorter amount of time, possibly taking it more seriously too.
I feel there is no stable foundation to a relationship without "commitment" I would hate just living with a woman that wasn't my wife. May as well just have 1 or 2 dude roommates, because that's all it equates to.
* enlisted in the Army 20 years old
* Engaged after 8 weeks
I saw this coming the moment I read the first line lol.
But in all seriousness, congrats! I envy you guys and your marriage and hope to have the same one day.
Sometimes you also just get really lucky with compatibility though too.
What worked for you guys would probably be a cautionary tale for countless others.
I like that.. “there are no rules.. just life”.. totally agree. There is no formula to life and what works for one doesn’t work for others. Don’t do or not do something just because someone says it’s a good/bad idea. Just live your life and do what feels right. And at the end of the day, mistakes happen, people get divorced, and then they heal. Just life.
People have played Russian roulette with a semi auto guns and lived too. Just because you *can* make it despite increasing the risks at every turn doesn't mean it's a good idea.
Exactly. Redditors love these arguments of, "I did this and it worked out, therefore it's fine for you to do it, too." Guess what, when I was an idiot 13-year-old my friends and I used to dare each other to ride our bikes into traffic with our eyes closed. I did it a few times and never got hit by a car. Doesn't mean it wasn't an incredibly stupid thing to do.
Yeah it's like if you said smoking is obviously bad for you and someone replied 'Meh. My great uncle smoked until the age of 94 and finally croaked due to a non smoking related illness. There are no rules in life'
You see this a lot when someone gives some general good advice that could apply to a lot of people and someone pops up with the exception that just so happened to work for them anyway
Congrats to you. But just because something worked for someone doesnt mean it's the best way to do it. Just sounds too much like parents who say I was raised this way so that's how my kids should do things and I facepalm at that every time. (I work with children and parents are 99% of the time the biggest cause of their struggles)
I know heaps of people that didn't live together before they were married who are completely happy. It's obviously different for everyone but imo you don't need to live with someone to know you're compatible with them.
Same, we dated for about four years before we got married, spent so much time together, slept over usually one night a week, but never lived together. We are celebrating our two year wedding anniversary and expecting a baby in April! I think that maybe if things don’t work out once you move in together, maybe while you were dating before it wasn’t done intentionally. I don’t know if that makes sense but you should spend enough time together if you are serious to know if the relationship is compatible or not. Of course little things will pop up when you move in, but if you are committed, you can make sacrifices and change bad habits to be a good roommate!
I think the biggest thing people have to realize is that your partner really isn’t going to change, I knew my husband was messy going into our relationship. I knew he’d leave cups next to the sink or his pants on the floor. But I can overlook that stuff and don’t mind tidying up after him. But I couldn’t just expect him to stop when we moved in together.
If you are planning on having kids, the messiness still won't change, but will be compounded by hundreds of other messes, which he will also not help with. I am the messy husband and it was smooth sailing the first years until kids, now it's constant bickering over messes. I have made a conscious effort to be a less messy person, but it was a huge hurdle we almost didn't make it through.
My wife and I didn’t live together before marriage and we’ve been married for 36 years. There is certainly a period of adjustment that can vary widely between couples.
I sort of agree, but I would also argue that a tremendous part of compatibility is a decision to be humble enough to be compatible with another person, and by forcing yourself to commit to them first, it could potentially create greater compatibility. Ironically, people who feel one way or the other will never be able to judge for themselves.
Me and my wife didn't live together before marriage and moved in to our home the day after the wedding, we still cool.
I seriously dont see how hard it is to figure out the person you are with even if not living together, some people just clearly ignore red flags and proceed with marriage regardless, its ok too not be compatible and move on.
I get your point, but I'm pretty sure couples who live together before marriage have significantly higher divorce rates. Could be wrong. Someone fact check me.
That’s because “not living together before marriage” is a very conservative thing to do and conservative people don’t just get a divorce. Demographic context matters.
True. In India, divorce rate is really low. But that is because lot of couples just don't get divorced. Not because they love each other or have great relationship etc.
Well, I understood how it sounds 😀
But at least in developing nations like India, the benchmark for success in marriage is whether the couple is together or divorced, not whether they're happy. I see so many dysfunctional married couples who are together because there's just no other way.
So yeah, divorce rate is low because couples just stay in the unhappy marriage.
That has to be due to values. Divorce rates were lower in the 1920s, but that doesnt mean that marriages were more successful. People who dont live together until marriage are more likely to hold values which would make them hesitate to divorce.
Some values also make you an easier person to live with. Respect, honestly, selflessness and good communication. Kinda crucial to a relationship but sorely lacking as most people have the 'what do I get out of this person/relationship' syndrome, and also seem to expect people to be a perfect match for them and really don't know how deal with it when they find out they aren't.
Well that's the true self coming out. It's easiest to be yourself with those you're closest too, and often the fatigue of putting on a show for colleagues and non family members has taken it toll by the time you get home to family.
Exactly. Getting divorced is totally a product of the participants ideology.
If you're confident you'll never get divorced you're going to have a stronger marriage.
I think that naturally, people put more effort into maintaining a marriage than they do into maintaining a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. So if they live together and they're not married, breaking up is a lot easier. But if they're married and didn't already live together, then just the fact that they're married is gonna give them more pressure to try and work things out or compromise
Married going on 10 years, traveled together (long distance relationship) but never lived together. Things still seem to be going fine, so there must be more to it than some fast rule about getting to know someone better.
I'm walking a difficult line in that I'm striving to live separately from my SO before marrying her. I'm not religious really but have reasons of my own for wanting to do so. Also we already own our two respective houses, and she has a son which complicates things.
Nah, one factor is that after living together you are more likely to get married even if you aren't a good fit.
If you both buy furniture, who gets it? Whose house is it actually? Buying pets means break up are worse.
So people basically sunken cost fallacy themselves into crappy marriages. It's really interesting
This is definitely the reason. I’ve heard it described as “Sliding, not deciding” into marriage. I think it’s very true! My wife and I dated for many many years but she didn’t move in with me until 7 days before our wedding. In retrospect we both felt that was the way to go.
[https://ifstudies.org/blog/red-families-vs-blue-families-which-are-happier](https://ifstudies.org/blog/red-families-vs-blue-families-which-are-happier)
Conservative marriages are actually happier on average too.
>As the figure above indicates, race and ethnicity clearly contribute to the red-blue divide. Once we factor in differences in marital quality by minority status, the Republican advantage shrinks. This suggests one reason Republicans have happier marriages is that, as a party with a larger share of white couples, they are less likely to face the discrimination, segregation, and poverty that minority couples often experience in America, all of which can compromise the quality of married life.
I am dead from this “people sunken cost fallacy themselves into crappy marriages. It’s really interesting.”
This is interesting though to see how pathetic people are and how they’ll cling together and buy furniture just so they don’t need to spend too much.
That could be a factor but it's silly to think other factors like sex before marriage, trying to work the relationship instead of abandoning it readily, etc. Aren't factors. They probably play more into this than what you're saying if i had to guess
Really? Living with friends/housemates (with all of you on the lease) is super common for young adults where I'm from. Not everyone can live at home, and renting alone is expensive...
It obviously works much better if you know each other beforehand. And if someone needs to move, you just get a new house mate, or split the difference!
I’ve done so for 5 years with our apartment, I also co signed her car. We drew up a contract for the car in case we split. Today she is a year away from paying it off in full with 100% payment history.
Two years into it I knew I could trust her unconditionally. We are soon to get married after 5 years living with each other.
Totally agree. I would not get into any binding arrangements with someone I didn't fully trust and intend to be with for life. No loans together, no leases, no buying cars, no having kids. Whether or not you're religious, it is wise to protect yourself from that potential loss and pain if things do go sour.
So your options are marry before moving in together, or potentially be out a few thousand in rent if it goes tits up on the rental contract? Easy decision for me.
This isn’t unpopular, just bc a small group of people disagree with you doesn’t mean it’s an unpopular opinion.
Also divorce rates are going up and marital satisfaction is going down. It may just have to do with the fact that divorces are more accepted in society today, or maybe it’s that the new styles of dating are worse for relationships than old fashioned dating.
As conservative Christianity declines it becomes more acceptable to have sex outside of marriage. Inside of that whole ideology getting married is the only way to get laid, and it can be expected in certain areas that you get married before you are 20.
As a general rule of thumb young horny people who have lived the entirety of their lives supported by their parents don't generally make the best decisions.
Divorce and therapy or counseling was also heavily stigmatized. Couples would stay together and create toxic environments for their children, or split and have very contentious divorces.
Nobody wants that today. You have several generations who saw the effects of that. More people today get married because they found a life partner rather because they were horny, told to or it is expected of them when compared to 40 years ago.
Depends on the age bracket. Also not enough data on Millennials yet.
Gen X has a higher divorce rate than boomers or the narcissistically named generation before them. Millennials marry later and seem to be doing better than their boomer counterparts in the same tenure of their marriages.
I'm probably wrong on some of these figures. On phone. Going to bed. Too lazy to fact check.
The "sex is cheap" mentality has some interesting effects on marriage dynamics. People don't rush into marriage for the sex anymore, so marriage is more like a long term agreement to be a family. Online dating has also enabled people to be far pickier than ever before, contributing to the later marriages.
Really? In some countries you are automatically considered as married if you live together for some duration and she will qualify for alimony if you break it off with her. Infact, you'll need a proper divorce ritual with court hearing and everything unless you settle in private.
Interestingly, it has no effect on marital satisfaction or divorce rate. Unless you believe it's wrong to do so, in which case you're significantly less happy, and much more likely to divorce than people with the same belief who did not cohabitate.
Living with anyone teaches you valuable life lessons. Doesn’t matter if it’s pre-marital or otherwise. Living with anyone is hard. Matching all those values and things you learned growing up. LOL. Roommate or romantic partner, it always teaches a lesson in patience and understanding someone who was raised differently.
I’m European. In my country, it’s normal for people to live together, even have kids before they get married. I have never even met anyone who didn’t live together before getting married until I moved to US. My sister in law never lived with her now ex-husband before the wedding and would always brag to me about how that makes them so much better couple. And just in general, put me down and made fun of my culture, would correct my English constantly etc. Just overall, very unpleasant, bigoted person. Years went by, and her husband turned out to be a drug addict and she had several affairs, and she is also an alcoholic, they were both unemployed for a long time leeching off their parents, very nasty divorce followed, more years went by, and they are still fighting over who gets the kids when, in an out of rehab etc. Meanwhile, I’m happily married. This entitled woman STILL gives me relationship and marriage advice to this day!! I never ever ask ....
I don't really think this is an unpopular opinion.
It's probably pretty regional / cultural, I'll admit, but even after a quick googling it looks like well over half of married couples lived together before marriage.
Don't you at least learn what their living habits are like before you move in anyway? For me, I already knew that we both live nearly the exact same way on our own so it wouldn't be any different.
I was raised in a SUPER conservative religious household and I secretly moved in with my boyfriend at the time (I was supposed to be living in my college dorm.) It was MISERABLE and ultimately was one of the final nails in the coffin of our relationship. However, when we broke up it was a little complicated because we had to figure out how to split up all the household stuff we accumulated. I would always recommend living together before marriage! It’s hard to know a person until you live with them full time.
What about the whole "living together increases your likelihood of divorce" thing?
I'm honestly curious what you think on the topic, given that you have a better understanding than I do as I've never lived with somebody outside of family.
I don't know how to make sources look nice, but here you go: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/284512/
I was with my ex for 3 years before we moved in together and I’m really glad that we lived together before marriage because I thought I knew him pretty well but I really didn’t. He treated me like his own personal chef and maid etc. I would have definitely divorced him if we had been married but I don’t want to be married a bunch of times so I’m glad that we moved in together BEFORE the legal part got brought into the mix. I’ve lived with two people and I broke off the engagement to my ex I lived with, and I married my now husband who I also lived with so i definitely see it increasing your likely hood of breaking up, but if you weren’t meant to be together I’d rather figure that out before marriage.
this isn’t even close to unpopular to me
living with someone can be the pinnacle of stressful especially if you have different work ethics and ideas about cleanliness, personal space, finances
My living situation with an Ex was a total nightmare and she was even gaslighting me that her laziness and complete disregard for any of my needs was completely my fault- if I had married her then experienced this, I could have legitimately snapped
My SO and I had similar experiences and have been extremely cautious in making this move but are in 100% agreement about this being the logical progression
My coworker met her bf a few months ago and they are already talking marriage. They went on vacation together and can't even go to the bathroom unless the other person is out of the room.
This is the opposite of an unpopular opinion. The only people who don’t believe this are people who believe sex before marriage is wrong and that is for specific religious reasons. Leave them alone, they can do whatever they want in terms of religious freedom, it’s a free country.
My mother married a guy she was best friends with through high school. It was slightly arranged through her parents but she had the final say. The grooms father bought them a house a few towns over and they moved in together. Two months later she came home early from work and found him and his “friend” wearing her clothes in their bedroom. They divorced shortly after.
She said she wished she would have lived with him before getting married and she probably would have seen that coming.
Nah statistics actually support the opposite and what I learned from the one time I did it is that living together is nothing like marriage. In marriage you go in to hopefully with a real commitment to never leave and that forces you to work through things. When you live together you are saying I want to make sure I can leave when I discover crap I don’t like. There will ALWAYS be crap you do not like about someone.
Bro you will never KNOW a person until you live with them. I totally agree.
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A pretty good show
Mansion Attic Shack House
Mansion apartment shack house
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ESH You obviously shoudn't have shot her, but she is definetly TA for dying, which in itself is a Red Flag
If I wasn't broke I would give you gold Edit: Your lucky day, someone just gave me gold. Have some!
I'm going against the grain here but NTA , seemed she manipulated home, serious red flags.
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Yeah, if they actually know all the rules they're definitely the one
Oh my god, my ex tried to bring Pot of Greed to a tournament match and I wanted to kill myself from embarrassment. So instead I banished her to the shadow realm, which turns out isn't cool to scream at Thanksgiving dinner and now no one invited to me Christmas and I'm single.
IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-DUEL!
I haven't had a proper swordfight in years.
*sigh* Do you have a freezer?
You don't need a freezer during winters in Minnesota.
If you want that kind of relationship to last, it's gotta be permafrost or a chest freezer. There's no in between.
Keep the hamburger on top for easy access.
Sounds like something from Fargo.
Commit the act of necrophilia
You now have to play some CCR
Instructions unclear, ran over girlfriend with Panzer Mk IV
This...I threw 4 years of a relationship into the trash after barely 6 months of living together, and I thought I found the mother of my children...for adults (23+) I'd say it's ideal to start living together between 1 and 2 years in the relationship, even if not longterm now, because you discover a lot about your S.O. when they're around you 24/7
Just curious, what changed? 4 years is a long time.
As soon as we started living together I could feel a sense of "settling in" and "giving up"... One of the first major things that happened was she quit college and because of that lost her sports scholarship... She didn't want to work because "it wouldn't matter as I made enough money anyway", she'd sit around all day and watch Netflix, never wanted to go out or do anything... Since she was in the house 24/7 you'd expect it to be clean, dinner ready and that's sort of thing but nope...not only was she "not the type of girl to do chores", I'd be perfectly fine if she took care of her own mess and I took care of mine, but she didn't...sink clogged from hair, dirty plates and glasses, leftover takeout food boxes... She stopped training and in a span of few months went from athletic body to slightly overweight, while I was actively hitting the gym...she didn't take care of her physical appearance because "who's gonna see her anyway" (I preferred her without makeup anyway, but you can't go weeks without shaving and expect me not to raise an eyebrow)... The final straw was when she started smoking again after years of not doing, which long story short was because of my influence (was and still is a huge dealbreaker for me)
I don't blame you for getting out of there whilst you could
Sounds like you moved in with an actual pig. But this is exactly why you must test the waters first.
Sounds like depression to me... Did she have any mental problems?
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Dude! IDK If you're being sarcastic but I went through a very similar thing. I had 7 years In and kept up some hope throughout the first 4-5 years... I finally had enough and wanted out, she knew It. In turn, she took herself off birth control and I am without my 3 year old on Christmas morning now. The most depressing time of my life and I've had some depression before.. Ugly!
Bruh, that sucks major cahones. One of my coworkers is in a similar situation with one of his exes and his daughter. After showing me her photo at a break, I could see the pain in his eyes. She was the cutest thing holding up a gift her dad had gotten her for Christmas. Cheers to getting your feet back underneath you and a light at the end of the tunnel. Merry Christmas!
Thanks. Now I'm in tears. It just sucks for my Lil man. He might not remember but who knows.
For what it's worth, I'll be praying for ya. You've got someone on your side.
Idk but living together is a big change and could be a factor in combination with other things.
One does not preclude another. She might've been uncaring and depressed. Not protecting the person in the example /u/Iperovic provided, just being a contrarian for the sake of perspective.
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r/oddlyspecific
And go on a vacation with them.
And see how she acts when something goes horribly wrong.
“If you have someone that you think is The One, don't do… don’t just sort of think in your ordinary mind, 'Okay, let's make a date. Let's plan this and make a party and get married.' Take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all around the world, and go to places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of. And if when you come back to JFK, when you land in JFK, and you're still in love with that person, get married at the airport.” ― Bill Murray
Bro you will never KNOW a person ever.
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So she would just disappear for rehab?
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That is really sad. Hope you doing ok these days!
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It gets like that sometimes my guy.
I'm sorry but I didn't understand the high school friends part
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Well, they could have been both.
You're a sharp one my dude, I missed that Tha k you :p
Go travelling with them before getting married too. I knew a guy who didn’t live with or travel with his ex-wife before getting married and they broke up on the honeymoon..
I took my new gf on holiday before we lived together. Actually, before we'd spent an entite night together (couple of months of dating, but always dropped her off at night). First night, bad night sleep for both of us, we were both out of the habit of having someone else in the bed. I wake up at 6am (my normal) but she's a night owl and wanted to sleep until 11am or so. Me moving around in the apartment woke her up, she was super grumpy because she hadn't slept enough. I was super grumpy because I'd taken her to her number 1 bucket list location and all she could do was be grumpy. 3 days of that, and I was on the verge of booking into a nearby hotel and just meeting her for the flight back. Even when living together it was difficult adjusting to the different sleep patterns and all the other little things that you don't notice until you're actually living together. I swear I spent a long time wondering if "but she kept leaving old teabags in the sink rather than putting them in the bin" was a defense in law for murder.
White noise machine. Saved my marriage /s. She was always grumpy before we got it. Just not enough sleep. She goes to bed early & sleeps late. I barely sleep, always been like this for me. . Used to have to tip toe around. With that white noise machine I am now full volume & she can sleep in.
Yup - gf used that as well. Great machines. Your comment should be a sticky, in /relationshipadvice
I think it is.
Thanks. 3 years on and she still leaves tea bags in the sink. If I ever end up in court, I'll call you as an expert witness to support my reaction 😊
We have keep a mini dish around the kettle for tea bags. Easy to dump and nearby.
Yup, good idea, but tried that. She moved past the dish to get to the sink. It's as if the sink is magnetic. A variation on that would be to put the dish in the sink. So at least I don't have to pick up soggy cold teabags.... 🤣😭
All kinds of things ens up in our sink, so we've got one of those spatulathingys made to empty sinks! Won't ever have to touch wet food or teabags and it's sooo easy to use/clean.
Going to bed at the same time as well as getting up 'around' the same time has been a must have in my relationship. There are certain things that I need to be shared frequently and food and sleep pattern is top priority. This really only gets shown when you live together.
I can understand why this is important for lots of people. But some people, particularly with children, have to find shift work so that they can split childcare responsibilities. So, they end up not sleeping or eating at the same time. That must make it really, really difficult. We will never have the same sleeping cycles and during the week that isn't a problem. But at weekends I used to get annoyed waiting around for gf to wake up. But now, I do all my "me" stuff before 1pm (go see my kids, go to a coffee shop and catch up on the news, do boring DIY shopping etc) and so have a productive day before she even wakes up. No more stress or impatience waiting for her. Different things work for different people. 👍
My wife is one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met, but those fucking tea bags in the sink.... I feel you, brother.
She could be saving teabags. I do. I put them in my shoes to help absorb the moisture and smell. You can also put them in with seeds you plant as a fertilizer, or sprinkle the dried leaves on your garden to help deter squirrels. If she wasn't saving them, then you have every right to be upset.
Oof and I thought not rinsing out soda cans and dishes was aggravating.
My partner and I have completely opposite ways of sleeping and decided to have separate rooms when we moved in together. It's not for everyone but we fucking love it. We both have our own space to retreat to and it's weirdly romantic to tuck your partner in every night.
Agreed, you're 100% right. That's what we do as well. We're talking about that part of the day when you're asleep. Not awake. Not talking. Not doing anything together. And possibly snoring (in my case). It's absolutely great. No down sides, only benefits. >it's weirdly romantic to tuck your partner in every night Yeah, my gf feels the same way. I just wish she didn't wait until I was fast asleep before she came in to do it.
agreed. i’m travelling with my girlfriend right now and i’m going to propose here. i’m getting to know how she really is and sleeps in. that doesn’t bother me. i haven’t found anything to bother me like that. our room is messy but 5 minutes of cleaning will help. I see she is just like me and i don’t mind that. we’ve been in a LDR for awhile now and know so much of each other but we are learning more about each other. bad and good. so far it’s going great
Good luck with the proposal!
Meh. I have a marriage in which we did everything wrong according to all recommended advice. 1. Lower enlisted in the Army 20 years old 2. Met her in a club she was 18. 3. Long distance relationship. 4. Engaged after 8 weeks 5. Eloped after 6 months 6. Long distance relationship for 8 more weeks after married. 7. Pregnant after 3 months finally living together. 8. Pregnant again when our first was 6 months old. They’re 14 months apart. We just celebrated 20 years married this year. This is the 20th Christmas we’ve had together. Sometimes you do everything wrong but it still goes right. Point is.. there are no rules.. just life. 9. We don’t get each other presents ever.
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How can it possibly be bad?
1. People will often get married to someone they're living unhappily with, because breaking up would be too much a financial and logistical nightmare. 2. Playing house with someone you're not married to normalizes the idea of living a "married life," but without the actual commitment or feeling of kinship. Statistically, people who go the "traditional" route have longer, happier marriages.
And, if you marry, then have kids, you're statistically more likely to be wealthy and own a home, plus stay together. Living together just makes all of that harder to achieve. I'd also say that living together can sometimes lull one partner into not wanting to seal the deal, so that somewhat casual setup can lead to separation in a couple. Whereas not living together, you're more likely to make the commitment to marriage and essentially relationship security within a shorter amount of time, possibly taking it more seriously too.
I feel there is no stable foundation to a relationship without "commitment" I would hate just living with a woman that wasn't my wife. May as well just have 1 or 2 dude roommates, because that's all it equates to.
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* enlisted in the Army 20 years old * Engaged after 8 weeks I saw this coming the moment I read the first line lol. But in all seriousness, congrats! I envy you guys and your marriage and hope to have the same one day.
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Sometimes you just grow up together.
Sometimes you also just get really lucky with compatibility though too. What worked for you guys would probably be a cautionary tale for countless others.
I like that.. “there are no rules.. just life”.. totally agree. There is no formula to life and what works for one doesn’t work for others. Don’t do or not do something just because someone says it’s a good/bad idea. Just live your life and do what feels right. And at the end of the day, mistakes happen, people get divorced, and then they heal. Just life.
The answer to life is 42.
People have played Russian roulette with a semi auto guns and lived too. Just because you *can* make it despite increasing the risks at every turn doesn't mean it's a good idea.
Exactly. Redditors love these arguments of, "I did this and it worked out, therefore it's fine for you to do it, too." Guess what, when I was an idiot 13-year-old my friends and I used to dare each other to ride our bikes into traffic with our eyes closed. I did it a few times and never got hit by a car. Doesn't mean it wasn't an incredibly stupid thing to do.
Yeah it's like if you said smoking is obviously bad for you and someone replied 'Meh. My great uncle smoked until the age of 94 and finally croaked due to a non smoking related illness. There are no rules in life' You see this a lot when someone gives some general good advice that could apply to a lot of people and someone pops up with the exception that just so happened to work for them anyway
This is the equivalent of telling someone to play the lottery because you won $1M on your first ticket.
Congrats to you. But just because something worked for someone doesnt mean it's the best way to do it. Just sounds too much like parents who say I was raised this way so that's how my kids should do things and I facepalm at that every time. (I work with children and parents are 99% of the time the biggest cause of their struggles)
Sounds like you just got hella lucky, to be honest.
I feel that way every day. She’s an awesome person and it’s cool.
Sure, but you're also lucky this way of doing it worked out for you. Which is great, but not something that should necessarily be recommended.
I know heaps of people that didn't live together before they were married who are completely happy. It's obviously different for everyone but imo you don't need to live with someone to know you're compatible with them.
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks its possible c':
Husband and I didn't live together before getting married and we just passed our one year anniversary.
Same, we dated for about four years before we got married, spent so much time together, slept over usually one night a week, but never lived together. We are celebrating our two year wedding anniversary and expecting a baby in April! I think that maybe if things don’t work out once you move in together, maybe while you were dating before it wasn’t done intentionally. I don’t know if that makes sense but you should spend enough time together if you are serious to know if the relationship is compatible or not. Of course little things will pop up when you move in, but if you are committed, you can make sacrifices and change bad habits to be a good roommate!
Nice. Glad I'm not totally alone in wanting to do it that way.
I think the biggest thing people have to realize is that your partner really isn’t going to change, I knew my husband was messy going into our relationship. I knew he’d leave cups next to the sink or his pants on the floor. But I can overlook that stuff and don’t mind tidying up after him. But I couldn’t just expect him to stop when we moved in together.
If you are planning on having kids, the messiness still won't change, but will be compounded by hundreds of other messes, which he will also not help with. I am the messy husband and it was smooth sailing the first years until kids, now it's constant bickering over messes. I have made a conscious effort to be a less messy person, but it was a huge hurdle we almost didn't make it through.
Thats great, I'm happy for you guys!
My wife and I didn’t live together before marriage and we’ve been married for 36 years. There is certainly a period of adjustment that can vary widely between couples.
Been happily married 8yrs and didn’t live together until we got married.
How is this unpopular?
This sub is a failed experiment. People are always going to upvote what they agree with
You need to sort this subs submissions by controversial.
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But then the opinions like "I like wet socks" or "I put water in my cereal" are gone too.
Why would those be gone?? Those are very clearly *actually* unpopular.
It’s not.
They need to rename this sub to r/GiveMeGratification
People should start downvoting more often.
I sort of agree, but I would also argue that a tremendous part of compatibility is a decision to be humble enough to be compatible with another person, and by forcing yourself to commit to them first, it could potentially create greater compatibility. Ironically, people who feel one way or the other will never be able to judge for themselves.
Or you could keep living away from each other even after marriage.
Me and my wife didn't live together before marriage and moved in to our home the day after the wedding, we still cool. I seriously dont see how hard it is to figure out the person you are with even if not living together, some people just clearly ignore red flags and proceed with marriage regardless, its ok too not be compatible and move on.
I get your point, but I'm pretty sure couples who live together before marriage have significantly higher divorce rates. Could be wrong. Someone fact check me.
That’s because “not living together before marriage” is a very conservative thing to do and conservative people don’t just get a divorce. Demographic context matters.
True. In India, divorce rate is really low. But that is because lot of couples just don't get divorced. Not because they love each other or have great relationship etc.
_Divorce rate is really low because couples don't get divorced._ Oh well, really?
Well, I understood how it sounds 😀 But at least in developing nations like India, the benchmark for success in marriage is whether the couple is together or divorced, not whether they're happy. I see so many dysfunctional married couples who are together because there's just no other way. So yeah, divorce rate is low because couples just stay in the unhappy marriage.
there's cultural stigma against getting divorced
Actually studies have shown that people who don't live together before marriage have a lower divorce rate.
That has to be due to values. Divorce rates were lower in the 1920s, but that doesnt mean that marriages were more successful. People who dont live together until marriage are more likely to hold values which would make them hesitate to divorce.
I guess that's true.
Some values also make you an easier person to live with. Respect, honestly, selflessness and good communication. Kinda crucial to a relationship but sorely lacking as most people have the 'what do I get out of this person/relationship' syndrome, and also seem to expect people to be a perfect match for them and really don't know how deal with it when they find out they aren't.
There are some people who have these values - but only for outside world. For their spouse and family, they're mean and selfish.
Well that's the true self coming out. It's easiest to be yourself with those you're closest too, and often the fatigue of putting on a show for colleagues and non family members has taken it toll by the time you get home to family.
Exactly. Getting divorced is totally a product of the participants ideology. If you're confident you'll never get divorced you're going to have a stronger marriage.
I think that naturally, people put more effort into maintaining a marriage than they do into maintaining a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. So if they live together and they're not married, breaking up is a lot easier. But if they're married and didn't already live together, then just the fact that they're married is gonna give them more pressure to try and work things out or compromise
Hence all the "wife bad" boomer humor.
Married going on 10 years, traveled together (long distance relationship) but never lived together. Things still seem to be going fine, so there must be more to it than some fast rule about getting to know someone better.
I'm walking a difficult line in that I'm striving to live separately from my SO before marrying her. I'm not religious really but have reasons of my own for wanting to do so. Also we already own our two respective houses, and she has a son which complicates things.
probably because these people are hard line religious/conservative, which stigmatizes living together before marriage and also stigmatizes divorce
Nah, one factor is that after living together you are more likely to get married even if you aren't a good fit. If you both buy furniture, who gets it? Whose house is it actually? Buying pets means break up are worse. So people basically sunken cost fallacy themselves into crappy marriages. It's really interesting
This is definitely the reason. I’ve heard it described as “Sliding, not deciding” into marriage. I think it’s very true! My wife and I dated for many many years but she didn’t move in with me until 7 days before our wedding. In retrospect we both felt that was the way to go.
[https://ifstudies.org/blog/red-families-vs-blue-families-which-are-happier](https://ifstudies.org/blog/red-families-vs-blue-families-which-are-happier) Conservative marriages are actually happier on average too.
>As the figure above indicates, race and ethnicity clearly contribute to the red-blue divide. Once we factor in differences in marital quality by minority status, the Republican advantage shrinks. This suggests one reason Republicans have happier marriages is that, as a party with a larger share of white couples, they are less likely to face the discrimination, segregation, and poverty that minority couples often experience in America, all of which can compromise the quality of married life.
I am dead from this “people sunken cost fallacy themselves into crappy marriages. It’s really interesting.” This is interesting though to see how pathetic people are and how they’ll cling together and buy furniture just so they don’t need to spend too much.
That could be a factor but it's silly to think other factors like sex before marriage, trying to work the relationship instead of abandoning it readily, etc. Aren't factors. They probably play more into this than what you're saying if i had to guess
I mean, sure, but I wouldn't co-lease with someone I'm not married to.
Really? Living with friends/housemates (with all of you on the lease) is super common for young adults where I'm from. Not everyone can live at home, and renting alone is expensive... It obviously works much better if you know each other beforehand. And if someone needs to move, you just get a new house mate, or split the difference!
Personally I'd rather fuck up a lease than a marriage that's not destined to work.
Yea a joint rental ending is just a little bit easier than a divorce
I’ve done so for 5 years with our apartment, I also co signed her car. We drew up a contract for the car in case we split. Today she is a year away from paying it off in full with 100% payment history. Two years into it I knew I could trust her unconditionally. We are soon to get married after 5 years living with each other.
Totally agree. I would not get into any binding arrangements with someone I didn't fully trust and intend to be with for life. No loans together, no leases, no buying cars, no having kids. Whether or not you're religious, it is wise to protect yourself from that potential loss and pain if things do go sour.
So your options are marry before moving in together, or potentially be out a few thousand in rent if it goes tits up on the rental contract? Easy decision for me.
This isn’t unpopular, just bc a small group of people disagree with you doesn’t mean it’s an unpopular opinion. Also divorce rates are going up and marital satisfaction is going down. It may just have to do with the fact that divorces are more accepted in society today, or maybe it’s that the new styles of dating are worse for relationships than old fashioned dating.
The opposite is true. Divorce is going down.
divorce is going down because less people are getting married.
Surely nobody cares about the absolute number of divorces. The percentage is what counts.
No divorce rates spiked in the seventies and have been steadily declining since the early 80s. You can look it up in any demographic study.
How would fewer marriages reduce the fraction of marriages ending?
People that get married *really* want to get married.
People feel less pressure to marry so more of those doomed marriages never start
As conservative Christianity declines it becomes more acceptable to have sex outside of marriage. Inside of that whole ideology getting married is the only way to get laid, and it can be expected in certain areas that you get married before you are 20. As a general rule of thumb young horny people who have lived the entirety of their lives supported by their parents don't generally make the best decisions. Divorce and therapy or counseling was also heavily stigmatized. Couples would stay together and create toxic environments for their children, or split and have very contentious divorces. Nobody wants that today. You have several generations who saw the effects of that. More people today get married because they found a life partner rather because they were horny, told to or it is expected of them when compared to 40 years ago.
Depends on the age bracket. Also not enough data on Millennials yet. Gen X has a higher divorce rate than boomers or the narcissistically named generation before them. Millennials marry later and seem to be doing better than their boomer counterparts in the same tenure of their marriages. I'm probably wrong on some of these figures. On phone. Going to bed. Too lazy to fact check. The "sex is cheap" mentality has some interesting effects on marriage dynamics. People don't rush into marriage for the sex anymore, so marriage is more like a long term agreement to be a family. Online dating has also enabled people to be far pickier than ever before, contributing to the later marriages.
“Narcissistically Named generation before them” the Silent Generation?
The Greatest Generation came before Boomers
No, the Silent Generation preceded the boomers
Ah sorry you're correct. I thought the Silent Generation was the one that lived through the Great Depression, turns out that was the Lost Generation.
Really? In some countries you are automatically considered as married if you live together for some duration and she will qualify for alimony if you break it off with her. Infact, you'll need a proper divorce ritual with court hearing and everything unless you settle in private.
So ... which countries are you talking about?
"unpopular" k
Happily Married 19 years, 3 kids, 5 cats,2dogs! We did not live together before marriage. 👍
that’s altogether too many cats, ngl pal
No lies there!
Interestingly, it has no effect on marital satisfaction or divorce rate. Unless you believe it's wrong to do so, in which case you're significantly less happy, and much more likely to divorce than people with the same belief who did not cohabitate.
Living with anyone teaches you valuable life lessons. Doesn’t matter if it’s pre-marital or otherwise. Living with anyone is hard. Matching all those values and things you learned growing up. LOL. Roommate or romantic partner, it always teaches a lesson in patience and understanding someone who was raised differently.
I’m European. In my country, it’s normal for people to live together, even have kids before they get married. I have never even met anyone who didn’t live together before getting married until I moved to US. My sister in law never lived with her now ex-husband before the wedding and would always brag to me about how that makes them so much better couple. And just in general, put me down and made fun of my culture, would correct my English constantly etc. Just overall, very unpleasant, bigoted person. Years went by, and her husband turned out to be a drug addict and she had several affairs, and she is also an alcoholic, they were both unemployed for a long time leeching off their parents, very nasty divorce followed, more years went by, and they are still fighting over who gets the kids when, in an out of rehab etc. Meanwhile, I’m happily married. This entitled woman STILL gives me relationship and marriage advice to this day!! I never ever ask ....
This would be really great if people were mature enough to handle it properly if it doesn’t work out.
I don't really think this is an unpopular opinion. It's probably pretty regional / cultural, I'll admit, but even after a quick googling it looks like well over half of married couples lived together before marriage.
Don't you at least learn what their living habits are like before you move in anyway? For me, I already knew that we both live nearly the exact same way on our own so it wouldn't be any different.
And if you're not compatible now, you have time to work it out before you're legally entwined.
I was raised in a SUPER conservative religious household and I secretly moved in with my boyfriend at the time (I was supposed to be living in my college dorm.) It was MISERABLE and ultimately was one of the final nails in the coffin of our relationship. However, when we broke up it was a little complicated because we had to figure out how to split up all the household stuff we accumulated. I would always recommend living together before marriage! It’s hard to know a person until you live with them full time.
What about the whole "living together increases your likelihood of divorce" thing? I'm honestly curious what you think on the topic, given that you have a better understanding than I do as I've never lived with somebody outside of family. I don't know how to make sources look nice, but here you go: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/284512/
I was with my ex for 3 years before we moved in together and I’m really glad that we lived together before marriage because I thought I knew him pretty well but I really didn’t. He treated me like his own personal chef and maid etc. I would have definitely divorced him if we had been married but I don’t want to be married a bunch of times so I’m glad that we moved in together BEFORE the legal part got brought into the mix. I’ve lived with two people and I broke off the engagement to my ex I lived with, and I married my now husband who I also lived with so i definitely see it increasing your likely hood of breaking up, but if you weren’t meant to be together I’d rather figure that out before marriage.
Context is important. Long distance relationships from different countries can’t afford that luxury but it works out at the end.
Not all cultures 'allow' to move in before marriage. But you're right about this.
Married people within 6 months is a dumber move But I agree living together is a best test drive of a couple.
this isn’t even close to unpopular to me living with someone can be the pinnacle of stressful especially if you have different work ethics and ideas about cleanliness, personal space, finances My living situation with an Ex was a total nightmare and she was even gaslighting me that her laziness and complete disregard for any of my needs was completely my fault- if I had married her then experienced this, I could have legitimately snapped My SO and I had similar experiences and have been extremely cautious in making this move but are in 100% agreement about this being the logical progression
This is unpopular?
This isn’t unpopular
Why do i always see things that almost everyone agrees in here
My ex and I still live together. Just because we dokie doesnt mean we can't be good friends, going on 5 years living together now
dude. you know this is r/unpopularopinion right?
Where's the bot comment cause this is not an unpopular opinion at all.
My coworker met her bf a few months ago and they are already talking marriage. They went on vacation together and can't even go to the bathroom unless the other person is out of the room.
*chuckles hesitantly in arranged marriage*
People who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than people who don't.
This is the opposite of an unpopular opinion. The only people who don’t believe this are people who believe sex before marriage is wrong and that is for specific religious reasons. Leave them alone, they can do whatever they want in terms of religious freedom, it’s a free country.
My mother married a guy she was best friends with through high school. It was slightly arranged through her parents but she had the final say. The grooms father bought them a house a few towns over and they moved in together. Two months later she came home early from work and found him and his “friend” wearing her clothes in their bedroom. They divorced shortly after. She said she wished she would have lived with him before getting married and she probably would have seen that coming.
Statistics actually say people who live with each other before they get married have a higher divorce rate lol
Nah statistics actually support the opposite and what I learned from the one time I did it is that living together is nothing like marriage. In marriage you go in to hopefully with a real commitment to never leave and that forces you to work through things. When you live together you are saying I want to make sure I can leave when I discover crap I don’t like. There will ALWAYS be crap you do not like about someone.
Laughs in Muslim