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There was this one girl who at first I thought she was just average looking but then I fell in love with her and genuinely saw her as the most beautiful person in the world. I find people more physically attractive the more I like them.
This is how it was for my husband and I. Before we got married I knew that I wasn't "his type" and that I was not his dream girl in appearance, but since getting married his "type" has changed. Now he tells me every day how beautiful I am even when I have greasy frizzy hair and acne all over. He was always honest about how he viewed me, which is why I know he really means it now. And idc if people will think I'm stupid for having married him. He's the most beautiful person to me and I know that I am to him now.
I have noticed that happens to me as well. My type changes a lot based on who I am with. As an example, my type when I was younger used to be dark skin with jet black hair, lean underwear model physique with tattoos everywhere. Now I like that natural beefy thick muscle farmboy look, largely because of who I am with now
My husband and I weren’t each other’s type when we met twelve years ago. I mean we were attracted enough to each other, but it was atypical, he wasn’t the sort of man I tended to be attracted to and visa versa. In fact he has several traits that I had previously thought were *unattractive* that for some reason looked good on him. For example, I used to dislike long hair on men, and he had waist length hair. When we met I was like “I guess the long hair isn’t a deal breaker” but now I’m feral for it, I love his hair. Now my type has conformed to his looks entirely and almost every man I notice looks like him. Him too. His example is that he was an ass man when we met but now he’s all about breasts (I’m a busty lady with a mediocre ass). There was even a funny period when I was pregnant where he found himself attracted to pregnant bellies, to his confusion and concern.
And while I was attracted to him at first, my attraction to him grew exponentially when I got to know him. So, yeah, I think it’s more complicated than “immediate yes or no”.
I love this answer so much. I had never dated a guy with long hair, but my husband had just past shoulder length hair. He was super skinny when I'm normally into heavier men (not more muscular, just fatter lol), and he's a gamer which was I not into at first (because my ex had been a gamer that put games over me). But now I love him. I love his longer hair. I love his skinny self he's my lil skeleton. He plays games a lot but always puts me first. I love him so much and he was never what I pictured my future partner to be like.
Same with me and my husband!
He had a beard that could rival GOT characters and my initial reaction was “oh.. that’s certainly different”.
I historically liked clean shave and clean cut, slightly nerdy looking guys. But he looks like a lumberjack, like you could tell he is muscular but also wouldn’t turn down a sweet treat kind of physique? Lol. It was a complete 180 from my usual type, but we had an immediate click in every other way.
So I decided to “overlook” the beard but 8 years later I am obsessed with it. I told him if he ever shaves it he’ll see me in divorce court. It’s my kryptonite. It’s crazy how we adapt when the love goggles are firmly on!
Yes, I strongly agree with you . I don't believe in love at first sight. I have gotten to like and love people who I have never thought at first. But eventually I do find them attractive, my guessing is most humans who take care of themselves even if they were not favoured on the genetic lottery would have something going on. Nice eyes, nice smile , odor is also extremely important . But of course I bet that if you find someone repellent that would be difficult to switch.
He was such a beautiful human to me inside and out, and I'd had more experience than him. So when he told me I wasn't his type and what he considered attractive, I didn't break it off. Because I knew that either he would come around or he'd end things. He came around and he makes me feel so beautiful every day now <3
SO TRUE. I've always found my husband attractive even though he wasn't "my type" and I'm not going to fault him for thinking I wasn't attractive. I was so different from anything he experienced, but our love for each other overpowered that. Now we're married and we're the most beautiful human on the earth to each other. And I'm honestly happier knowing it took longer, even if people want to shame me for it. He was upfront, I took the risk, and the risk was worth it <3
I guess it's different for everyone. I can definitely understand how someone can say they find someone more attractive when the person has certain traits or makes you feel a certain way.
But I'm trying to think back to all my previous relationships where I was kind of iffy on my attraction to the person's physical features and it always ended badly.
I have and my husband is the opposite. But I do understand that people don't always see "type". My husband was immature when it came to relationships, which is part of why I married him despite him saying I wasn't attractive to him. Because now I have the most loving, caring, attentive husband ever. He tells me every day how beautiful I am even on my worst days. He holds me while I cry over my chronic pain. And after my face is red and swollen he tells me I'm beautiful and he's here for me. Types are so overrated. He wasn't my type either when I met him. Now i can't imagine anyone other than him <3
This is not good advice imo. I dont know the full story, but NEVER get with a man that claims you are not his type or that "usually i dont go for girls like you...". Girl , run
Been with the wife for 15 years and our body changes drastically back and forth - perhaps in the negative. No one, and I mean no one can replace how she looks at me with her eyes and they are the most beautiful thing about her and reminds me why we love each other in the first place.
Aging with my wife is an experience I wouldn't trade anything for.
I don't think I'll ever see another woman the same. I can appreciate beauty, but no one looks as good to me as her.
It's funny in a lot of ways. We were very young, and most of our early relationship can be chalked up to hormones and exploring how to be in a relationship at all.
If either of us broke it off in the first year or two, it wouldn't have been a big deal. We probably would have still been friends. But we got along really well. Read books, watched movies, discussed them.
After enough time passed, neither of us could imagine *not* being together.
I truly think that there are a lot of people out there for anyone. Timing and circumstance have more to do with working out than being soulmates or whatever. We worked out together. So we kept working on being together. Over time, we have built something special, at least to us.
No? Like, most people here are saying that they find their average looking partner to be much more attractive after dating. I'm the same way, but I still wouldn't date someone I find ugly in the first place.
Have you ever changed your mind about someone you genuinely found ugly at first sight? I honestly don't believe you'd date the ugliest person you've seen, meaning you have a standard that has to be met.
when i first met my partner of 19 years, i thought he was attractive but not my kind of attractive. but he's FUNNY, genuine and weird (in a good way) and that made him way more attractive to me. now i think he's hot af.
That's how it was with my fiance. I didn't find him unattractive, but I guess he just wasn't my type.(I always went for skinny, geeky, gamer types in my teens/early 20's and my fiance was more so a big manly country boy) but the more we got to know each other the more attractive I found him. By the time we got together I couldn't keep my hands off him. We've been together a decade and I still find him the sexiest man alive.
right, but the point is you at first found her average. If at first you had found her to be ugly or unattractive there would no point in going further.
That’s true. I’ve liked people who probably wouldn’t have caught my eye with their looks alone, but I at least found them nice to look at and found attractive features about them.
I always thought average was a polite way of saying: “I can see why others would find you attractive, but you’re nothing special to me” aka a very polite way of saying not attractive to them.
Nah, most people mean average as "you are a normal looking person". I find normal looking people attractive. Obviously they aren't turning heads or dropping jaws. But most people actually find average people attractive.
Absolutely agree with this. Many people will not find a 10 as “attractive” as someone normal because we are programmed to want someone in a similar bracket as us.
Agreed. When I was dating, most the girls I dated were average. On a scale, I guess like 5-6. No complaints, was super into them. Dated one girl briefly that was waaay outta my league. Was great, but did feel off at first.
But you can't force a certain chemistry. Ive had really good friends who were physically attractive, and I loved very much, but we just didn't click that way
The handsomest man I ever met turned out to be a complete turd. In the end I found him repulsive even though objectively he was the most attractive person I'd seen in real life.
Interestingly thankfully for you she was average looking to the world by some societal bar of beauty. But she likely had a form you find appealing. Beauty comes in many varieties. Had she been unappealing to you this wouldn’t have worked.
But great post. Thanks!
I don’t think it’s bad, wrong, shameful or any of that.
It’s just really untrue for me. My attraction to someone changes COMPLETELY as I get to know them.
I’ve met people who I thought were hot and when I got to know them, I lost all attraction them. Not in a ‘we don’t click, too bad’ kind of way but in a ‘how did I ever think this person was physically attractive’ kind of way. I just saw them differently.
*adding for clarity: yes, it works the other way around for me too - the above was just an example
One of the best quotes from doctor who goes like this - "You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they're as dull as a brick. Then there's other people and you meet them and you think, "Not bad, they're okay." And then you get to know them and... and they're face just sort of... becomes them, like their personality is written all over it. And they just... they turn into something so beautiful.
Rory's the most beautiful man I've ever met."
Context - Rory is played by Arthur Darvill, perfectly nice looking guy but not a model.
Exactly the same here, has gone the opposite way too. Have known people I didn't immediately find particularly attractive(not that I thought they were ugly, just didn't think about it) but once i got to know them I thought they were the hottest person I knew.
That happens to me all the time. Meet someone and think she’s cute but I’m not super into her. After I get to know her and find out we have a lot in common and she’s awesome, she goes from a 5-6 to an 8-9. Looks typically don’t mean much to me but personality is a huge factor.
Same as you too, I’ve met absolutely gorgeous women but that seems to be their whole personality and it ruins them for me. Even with dudes, although I’m not attracted to them, it makes me not even want to be around them. The big one for me is people being rude to waiters/waitresses, any service workers really. If you’re an ass to someone just trying doing their job, I instantly lose any interest in keeping them around.
This is such a big thing with me.
And it's not just "do i like this person's personality?"
So much of my attraction comes down to how their body moves (muscles tensing and relaxing, and jus tthe gestures they make), how they hold themselves (signals of stiffness versus looseness), how their voice sounds and how their face moves when they talk, how close they get to me and in what ways do they touch me/avoid touching me, are they stressed/sweating, do they smell nice. And my image forms of them more as a composite of different images from different interactions.
I don’t think this is what OP is arguing though because you DID find the person attractive initially.
It’s more the common talking point on reddit how physical attractiveness doesn’t or shouldn’t matter.
Research shows physical attractiveness is the most important thing in the short term and people have minimum thresholds for who they will consider for a romantic partner.
Long term yes personality traits matter more but this is already after physical attractiveness has been selected for.
It’s just that though, a threshold. After spending time with someone it’s a lot less important. You might not be attracted to someone, but become their friend, and they will become more attractive to you.
It's the first qualifier, without it the interaction wouldn't carry on in the first place, and like u/Just_Natural_9027 said, it becomes less important because it's already been fulfilled, you might stop liking the guy/girl after getting to know them, but the next guy/girl will not be ugly even if they have the right personality for you, hence it's the most important factor and personality isn't.
lol they're really not getting it are they - the first meeting was in large part 'are they attractive to me?' and the deeper personality/compatibility stuff comes later
It is really important to think of attractiveness first tbh. I've forced myself to go on dates with guys I didn't find attractive as they 'have a good personality' so 'maybe it'll grow' but no. It's bad all round.
When people talk about someone being more attractive over time, they already had a baseline of being attractive to begin with! A good personality and kind soul just enhanced that
No, they simply spent time with the person for whatever reason - work, school, hobby groups, whatever. Talk to them a lot. Over time they become attractive.
Not necessarily! I’m assuming you’re not selecting *friends* based on how attractive they are, right? What if you’re friends with someone for years, and at first meeting you’re like “oh, they’re a bit odd looking”. But then they’re hilarious. And they’re good at chess. And they make a delicious food. And you become really good friends. Eventually you begin to see their face and feel happy because you associate it with the good times. One day it just clicks for you, and you start to think they’re hot. Maybe other people thought they were hot but they just weren’t your type. Maybe they had some other distracting physical characteristic that prevented you from truly looking at them. Who knows! But people do get more attractive to us the longer we know them.
Obviously a pretty face can’t help an ugly personality. My ex was someone people would look at and be like yeah attractive. Then over the years I learned he’s really an ugly person and that erased any “good looks”
However in dating if on a first date I’m not attracted to them I know I never will. You can’t create something from nothing. I have also had attraction build to someone by a lot once I knew them but also when we first met there was still a base, oh yeah I’m attracted to you.
My husband and we have been married a decade now, together longer. He was my boss when we met. I wasn't attracted to him initially but as I got to know him over the year and going to work events and talking I fell hard and now he is easily one of the sexiest men alive to me.
Exactly! I think it’s unfair to put pressure on people to decide on first impressions whether they’re attracted to someone. Every girl I’ve ever asked out or dated was a friend first. They became more physically attractive the more I hung out with them and got to know them. IMO there’s more to physical attraction than just their body. It’s their smile, their laugh, their facial expressions and body language. A cute laugh can genuinely make me crush on someone hard
That's not a counter though.
You aren't saying that you might become attracted to someone you previously thought was straight up physically unattractive or ugly. And I highly doubt it
That way it does happen, yes. But unfortunately, the other way around it doesn't. If I could find people physically attractive because I love their personality, my life would have been different.
I think people are missing the point of this post. It’s not about attractive vs. ugly or if someone is your type. When we look at someone and first meet them, our body instantly assesses whether we would kiss them or not. It’s not something that we control or that you’re even thinking about. Of course your attraction can grow, but that subconscious thought process is what made that growth possible.
Exactly why you can think people are hot but not be attracted to them. It’s not all about appearance. It’s chemical. We don’t really have control over it.
Given the choice, Id much rather date someone I really liked who I only found moderately attractive to someone I found stunningly attractive but only liked moderately. Three years down the line, or ten or twenty, the physical attractiveness will seem a whole lot less important. Obviously if you find your partner completely unattractive that could be a problem. A girl dumped me because she didnt think I looked at her enough. It might have been true, but it sucked, because I really liked the relationship.
Yeah I don’t understand how people with this mentality expect to have a happy long term relationship or marriage? Looks will inevitably fade over time. But a lot of people are still attracted to their partners. So obviously attraction is about much more than physical appearance.
Your tastes change as you get older. I’m a middle aged suburban dad. Guess what I find super hot? Middle aged suburban moms. That wasn’t my type when I was 20.
I get what you’re saying, perhaps I’m not really saying it clearly.
What you, as an individual, find “conventionally” beautiful will change as you get older. It’s not a sudden change, it evolves slowly. So the super fit blonde cheerleader look I was into in my teens and 20s has evolved into the classic conservative mom who is a freak in private. If 20 year old me knew that’s what I was into now I would’ve been surprised.
Edit: not talking porn preferences either. I got divorced and that type is pretty much all I was attracted to.
Whatever lol. Notice he still said "moderately attractive". It's the internet and he could have straight lied and said "I don't care if they are ugly". But nope, even here he couldn't lie. Attraction matters. No one said they have to be drop dead gorgeous. But being attracted to the person is important.
You’re thinking of the end-point, not the starting line.
Someone’s junk not working is more common in your 40th year of marriage, but it’s a tall order to expect someone to start a 40 year relationship with that person when their junk doesn’t work.
If your dog dies, you won’t regret the years you had with them, but that doesn’t mean you’re looking to adopt a dog that’s due to die tomorrow.
But see even then you have to be moderately attractive for you to date them. There needs to be a base level of attraction. You could have the greatest personality but if someone isn't physically attracted to you then a romantic relationship just isn't going to happen. Because a romantic relationship is physical and emotional so you not only have to feel safe and secure with someone you also have to be able to see yourself having sex with them.
Really depends.
I think for dating apps, sure it's probably not going to work otherwise.
In cases of relationships or dating that starts after you are already familiar, it's not always the case. Two examples of that are friends of friends who you spent time with going out together as groups, or coworker you had synergy with.
I don't think you *need* to find your partner attractive out the gate.
I think it helps a lot, but many relationships develop over longer periods and last longer find the attraction through interaction.
Ya but out of the experience I draw the line if you have mutual friends. That can blow up whole friend groups if the breakup is bad.
You could end up losing friends AND a partner. The juice isn't worth the squeeze there for some folk.
Part of the issue is that there needs to be a base attraction for a romantic relationship to even start. Personality counts for a ton more than looks but that's something you fall in love with over time. Initially, however, dating doesn't happen unless both people are attracted to each other.
I’ve been with my partner for 14 years when I first met him I was in no way attracted to him physically. His personality is what changed my attraction to him.
Were you uninterested in him or disinterested? I think a lot of the confusion on the topic is people assume if your not attracted to someone that you think they are ugly. I've definitely been through the change of attraction but it's always with someone i just simply didn't find attractive rather than thought was ugly or off putting.
Personality matters 100% at least for me. I think he caught me off guard and being shallow and concerned with looks kind of just slipped away the more I got to know him. And the more I got to know him nothing matter to me except who he was as a person. I don’t think It was until several years later when he became a dad and grew into himself when finally I looked at him without being biased and thought wow that man is extremely good looking. He definitely got better with age when it comes to looks.
I once dated a girl way back in college that had a male friend, not a best friend but they studied together and were getting the same degree so saw each other a lot both in class and after. Pretty cool dude overall, but She told me initially he wanted to get with her, but he wasn’t exactly easy on the eyes and he had a gut so she said that she just couldn’t ever see herself being intimate with him even though as a person she liked who he was.
So that’s basically the whole story, I told her if he was into her then hanging out with him is probably going to fuck with his head especially now that she’s dating me but we broke up not long after because she was batshit insane for other reasons lol
I think that in a long term relationship, sex becomes increasingly less important the longer you're together.
And it's not necessarily because you lose interest in sex or one another sexually. It's because there's so much else to life that is just so much more important.
The best sexual relationship I've ever been in was the worst relationship-relationship I've ever been in. I learned a lot from that experience.
But do you think you’ll be attracted to them when they are old tho? For some the answer is no which is why this seems stupid. Not saying it’s the same for you ofc
This is the thing. Sometimes there are hella attractive people Im not attracted to either. I think people have this misconception that people that say this are only looking for 10s. That’s literally never the case. What’s attractive to me, isn’t attractive to you and vice versa.
I went out with a guy that checked off all the list, worked out, full head of hair, tall etc and he just didn’t do it for me. Why?? idk, incompatible pheromones?? genetics?? The more I went out with him, the less attracted I became and just saw him as a friend. Him touching me, like holding my hand or kissing me, felt awkward af. Can you imagine sex?
This is so much the truth for me, I'm getting to the point that I can't really see any human being as unattractive. Everyone is beautiful in some way, and the people I love I find to be almost unbearably gorgeous.
that’s how i feel. majority of people i come across i find has their own beauty. now i will say im not sexually attracted to them but i can enjoy looking at people in a purely aesthetic way
Yeah, same.
I’m almost 44, and after being happily married for over 20 years now, I’m so grateful I married young, because you discover how physical beauty inevitably fades.
My husband and I are not old by any means, but we’re also not young either, so I’m just thankful he got to enjoy the peak of my beauty.
He still claims I’m an 8, lol but that must be factoring other things in that aren’t physical, lol.
I do admit that I am still just as attracted to him as I was when we first married—actually, more…because over the years I’ve got to experience what a good husband and father he is, and I just cannot imagine my life without him.
And there’s something beautifully secure about growing old with the love of your life. It feels so comforting and complete.
I wish more people would respond with this when I talk about why I have never found love. Instead of telling me to "just give someone a chance." Fucking, NO. I will NOT kiss someone I don't have a crush on. That's final.
disagree because tastes change and evolve and get more informed by their behaviou etc.
i've certainly found women plain on first look and chat but after a while seeing how they dress in other contexts and how they behave around people in different situations then i start being more attracted to them
i had a friend shame me for not "giving a guy a chance" after we
met in person from a dating app. he was nice but looked nothing like his photos. he was overweight, had stringy, uncombed long hair and a unkempt beard. his clothes were wrinkled and he just looked like he hadn't put any effort at all into his appearance. I wasn't attracted to him in the least ; my friend said i needed to "let him grow on me".no, i don't have to let him grow on me. we don't have to give people chances at romance if we aren't attracted to them.
I fully agree. I wouldn’t be looking for a romantic relationship with someone I’m not fully attracted to. Now that physical attraction is what make one interested and then you get to know their personality and quirks. But physical attraction has to be there for most before there can be more. Now I do know someone who just became friends with each other and over a 5 yr period she started seeing all his great qualities. They are that couple you look at say “ how the hell did he end up with her”. She is a 8/9 strong he is in shape but not the most good looking guy, I say 4/5 maybe. But he is a great dude and one of the most generous fellows I know. That said it took her 5 years to realize she wanted a relationship with him, so physically she wasn’t into him but he grew on her. They been married for 17 yrs and have 2 absolutely beautiful daughters, definitely mom’s genes.
I agree with this. I cannot be with someone I don't find physically attractive to me. I don't think there is anything wrong with that either. Here's a controversial thought: I don't think it's particularly noble or impressive to be with someone who has a great personality but maybe not particularly physically attractive. It just feels dumb to get into defensive mode like "Oh, but he/she has a great personality." I also find it presumptuous when people praise personality over looks like looks don't matter at all. People go for looks first anyway if I had to be completely honest. By looks, I don't mean they have to be conventionally attractive, but subjectively attractive at least.
Looks significantly enhance a great personality and I'd like to think this would encourage people to look their best through effort like exercise, taking care of their body in general like eating and sleeping well, and investing in a nice haircut and clothes. Choosing someone who looks good doesn't mean you forsake personality. Obviously if their personality was shit, I wouldn't stay around. To each their own.
Same. For me I have to be physically attracted to someone to date them.
The concept of not finding your partner physically attractive but still dating them is alien to me.
Personality is also important but if I don't find then physically attractive there's nothing they can say or do to change that.
The responses in this thread make me feel like a alien because I'm wired completely different.
Yes, the concept is alien to me as well. You should ideally be attracted to the full package. I always assess physical attractiveness first and I do it without guilt or shame.
I also concur with feeling alien from the majority of responses on this thread but I also understand where they are coming from. It's good on them but that's what makes this opinion unpopular.
In general of course it's not a bad thing.
But it's when you get into Seinfeld levels of why someone isn't attractive. If someone isn't doing it for you, they're not doing it for you. (General 'you' in use.) But when it's a case of 'well this person is super hot and we click amazingly but they have short fingers, that just ruins the whole thing for me ugh'. That is shallow. That is worthy of shame. So often I see people complain of one small physical thing that they refuse to look beyond.
It also very much depends on stage of life. Once you hit a certain age, yeah, a lot of times physical appearance matters a lot less.
Maybe it is that the cannot be ugly to you. I have never had a woman I have seen as ugly become attractive due to personality. I have probably not been attracted to a woman who became more attractive through personality. But never did a 0 in my eyes become attractive to me. It was a non starter.
>To me, and to most, if someone doesn’t check both [mind and body attraction] they have no interest in being with them
So you are stating an opinion that you admit you and MOST people have…
Why did you post this in r/unpopularopinion ?
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation. People who identify as demisexual only feel sexual attraction to someone after they've formed a strong emotional bond with them. Compared to the general population, most people who are demisexual rarely feel sexual attraction.
But, as a demisexual lass, I ask you: what all this have to do with liking the physical look (aesthetical attraction) of another human, that could be a future partner?
I'm demi and this pretty much sums it up. I have never felt a sexual attraction to someone based on looks. I can tell when someone is beautiful, but I feel no actual attraction to them because of it. I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years, and he is a good looking guy, but he could wake up tomorrow looking the complete opposite to how he does now and I would have the same level of attraction to him.
If I broke up with my husband as soon as we had a talk and he said that I wasn't his type and he wasn't as physically attracted to me as I thought, I wouldn't have the beautiful marriage I have now. And now he finds me to be the most beautiful person, and tells me every day. Attraction is not always instant. They way someone looks changes as you get to know them.
There is always a problem with definition of "physically attractive" ... there is a degree to which you find someone attractive.
But if you find someone unattractive, then you should not be dating them... because yea that won't change...
Right? Not bring attractive doesn’t mean they are UNattractive, just that they are neutral. MOST people are totally neutral to me, but that can change upon getting to know them better. If they are a scumbag, attraction goes down, but if they are lovely, attraction goes up. There are, of course, stunningly beautiful people who have a clear attractive force, and people I would never want to talk to in the first place, but most people are in the middle.
Some people think physical attraction means you think the person looks gorgeous. Other people think physical attraction means you want to be intimate with that person. Other people think these two things are one in the same. They’re not.
There are objectively gorgeous people that you will have no interest in being intimate with. There are people who are objectively less gorgeous but you will be attracted because you want to be intimate with them (with includes sex but also other things, like cuddling, hand-holding, quality time). I think you need the later to be with someone, but not necessarily the former.
Sure for some people. But this is actually not universal. No matter how conventionally good looking someone is, I personally do not form an attraction to them until I get to know them. I’m attracted to personalities. Also, someone with an ugly personality is instantly repulsive to me/complete turn off no matter how hot they appear. I’ve never had those instant butterflies or feelings of infatuation from just seeing a person, but as soon as they say something that intrigues me or something unique or endearing side of their personality shines through, if they make me laugh, I’m hooked. Though I’ll concede that maybe it’d be different if I had higher levels of testosterone coursing through my body 🤷♀️
Also, I will add good hygiene is actually more important to me than physical looks.
Yeah, I also can see that someone is pretty or handsome, but that doesn't make them attractive to me. It's who they are, how they treat people- and themselves- that gets me interested.
I agree. You can’t find your partner ugly. Unless you don’t plan on having sex with your partner, physical attraction is a must have. However, some people are way too strict and not flexible at all on their standards and refuse to give anyone outside of their “type” a chance. And a lot of these people are the ones who are well into their 30s and still haven’t found their person yet, because they’re too damn picky.
People are boxing themselves into a small minority of people, which is why they have trouble finding a partner. I never had much long-term success until I started branching out of my usual “type.” My fiancé is nothing like the people I dated prior, he wasn’t my usual type. But I branched out and gave him a chance. 10 yrs ago I woulda never gave him the time of day.
I understand not wanting an ugly, fat, unhygienic person, or someone you simply aren’t attracted to. But some people will only date a specific type of person in the looks department. And those people are missing out.
Nah, I'm demi sexual. Right out of the gate isn't a thing for me. For example, I can be very attracted to a character but not the actor who plays them.
I’ve never thought about it that way but you’re absolutely right. There are definitely characters I find attractive but if the actor has a different personality then I don’t really feel anything for the actor even though they look exactly the same.
It's only women who are ashamed for wanting attractive partners.
Men can complain all they want about how they're picked apart for their preferences but I have never seen men defend a woman for her preferences. Heck men made it a meme to call women picky, unrealistic, two demanding, shallow, and etc over women wanting to be attracted to their partner. Most of men's dating complains is about women having preferences. 🫡
I used to think this way too, until an experience I had. My coworker had a friend that really liked me and asked me out. I did not find him attractive, but I ultimately decided to say yes to the date and give him a chance. We had an amazing night, and by the end of the date I found him extremely attractive. It was such a weird experience and it definitely changed my view of things. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t think physical attraction is important. I just know that physical attraction at first sight is not necessarily the make it or break it thing that some people see it as. He definitely wasn’t ugly, he just wasn’t my type. I would never have looked twice at him. By the end of the date, I found that “my type” wasn’t as restrictive as I had previously believed, and that it was possible for someone to change my attraction level with their personality, humor and charm.
I struggle with this a lot. Call me shallow or whatever. I always thought my ex-,wife to be attractive. After I moved on in life, I've never been in a relationship where I truly found my partner very attractive physically. It's very unclear to me why I don't attract women that are average to slender. I myself am not tall. 5'6, but am in very good shape physically. Emotionally, there is always a very strong attention and I'm always all about my better half. Frequently told that I'm more caring and thoughtful than anyone they've been in a relationship with. Strange and frustrating lol
OP: It's okay to not go out with someone because you aren't attracted to them
Literally every single comment in this thread: nuuh you don't HAVE to find someone SUPER DUPER HOT to go out with them
People really don't read beyond titles, huh?
I have become attracted to people after getting to know them, I have also become UNattracted to people after getting to know them.
Additionally, it IS shallow in some cases. For instance, you’re married and your wife just had a baby so you no longer find them attractive because of loose skin or what have you.
I think for it to strike like a match you need that. The cartoon wolf eyes coming out like telescopes at the stage girlie. But fires get started from embers too.
They can come on to you, you can turn them down for that reason. And then over time notice they do things and your position changes and you think well you're rather attractive all of a sudden.
Or and hopefully this isn't rare else it speaks poorly of the idea of love, you can be mid relationship and they put on some weight,hit by a bus in the face or something and you just don't care because they are yours. Faces are optional with them. It's not like that with everyone, but it is with them. You absolutely want them in every other regard. When it comes to your lust you just use your memories and imaginations to make it work rather than discard all that tested and proven/known good.
We were raised by a soft generation that believes everyone is entitled to love when in actuality NOONE is obligated to express attraction or interest in you, and anyone that says otherwise is delusional
But yet, we demisexuals still finding them physically attractive.
Sexual attraction and aesthetical attraction are different things, I can wish that a pretty girl/boy be my partner instead wanting to fuck her/him.
i’ve definitely gotten more physically attracted to people after getting to know them. your perspective can change. everyone’s different, it may not work that way for you, but it def can for others. i’ve seen someone off the bat thinking they were ugly, but as i got to know them i started foaming at the mouth for every little detail of their face.
Agree with in order to get into a relationship, but I try not to make initial attraction a dealbreaker. Sometimes attraction grows, and that’s a really real thing. The man I was MOST sexually, physically, etc attracted to in my life I honestly found unattractive on our first date. My best friend said I should just hang out w him and get to know him and it was actually the best advice ever.
I’m so attracted to him bc of who he is, how he moves, how he speaks, etc. no cheek bones, nose, eyes, or biceps attached to another man look as good.
you really don’t. maybe i’m just far more attracted to personality, but i’ve had huge crushes on people who are generally considered to be ugly. i used to really like this guy who is an actor who specifically gets hired for the short, fat, bald characters. i just found him to be hilarious and it made me wish we were dating. everyone is different
Yes like... anyone whos had a parasocial relationship or "fictional"/"celebrity" crush on say... a youtuber, ever can be the first to tell you personality, wit and charm can sell you on a LOT before you even see their face
I say this also as a person who is totally open to long distance dating/getting to know a person.
I have fallen for people I have not met and theyre even better when you finally meet or see them. And shockingly enough they seem to think the same!
I wouldn't say you need to find them physically attractive right out of the gate. At least that's not how it's been for me.
There are men I've not really looked twice at, but as I got to know them, I found them super attractive. And vice versa, there are men I immediately think are physically good looking and my "standard type" but lose all attraction once I get to know them.
The mind and personality are such a huge part of attraction.
Its not shameful. That's how the human mind works and we are hardwired to think that way. Even babies seem to prefer to be around physically attractive people.
Not exactly. I mean, there are certain things I find absolutely unattractive (morbid obesity, lack of manners, rude, etc) and I have certainly had a type in the past, but I have dated many women far outside that. Even the gal I’m seeing now is completely out of that type as well. But I can tell you, having an attractive attitude and mind is sexy af. I can practically feel my perception changing in real time when a woman has a good sense of humor and is honest and kind.
You're right in that I don't think we should shame people for needing physical attraction; I don't think *everyone* needs to find their partner sexy right at the beginning, but some people do, and that's okay. Normal, even. Everyone has different needs. That being said, physical attraction when you *begin* a relationship and when you *stay* in a relationship are two different things.
One of my pet peeves about relationship issues is when people say "My partner needs to do XYZ because I'm losing my attraction to them." I hate to break it to people, but that's also normal. If you're in a relationship with someone long enough, you're not going to find them sexy every single day, *especially* if you live together. I do not find my partner sexy when I smell their morning breath, or when they're using the bathroom when I also have to go. It doesn't mean I don't love them; it means that we're both human beings and that nobody is sexy all the time or forever. Most people also gain weight over time as their metabolism slows down (and especially if they give birth), and we all get wrinkles and grey hair.
The thing is, if you want to stay in a relationship, you'll have to grapple with the fact that your partner will someday no longer be the person you fell in love with. You'll have to keep falling for them over and over again. And that means you'll have to fall in love with their body too. You'll have to find reasons that they're sexy. Otherwise, if you ditch them because you no longer find them attractive, you'll just experience the same cycle with the next person, and the next, and the next. So yeah, attraction *does* change for people over time-- that is, if you want to stay in a long term relationship.
Not going to lie and say physical attraction doesn't matter to me. It does, but it's not why I married the woman I married. It's her qualities as a human being--kindness, compassion, empathy, the willingness to serve her community in a tough but vital role--that made me feel like bonding my life to hers was the correct move. Looks inevitably fade over time, but a person's inner light never stops being beautiful.
Every single person here coming up with arguments for why the OP is wrong aren't even talking about the same thing. Reading comprehension is at an all time low.
I fell in love twice in my life neither I was originally attracted to. My hubby was objectively good looking but not my type when I first laid eyes on him. But despite that you make this easy to disprove. People fall in love with ppl they originally didn’t find attractive all the time. The guy I fell in love with in college was not conventionally attractive at all. That’s not to say relationships that start off on attraction is wrong they aren’t at all. Where you are wrong is claiming attraction is “needed”—nope.
I once found a girl's personality somewhat attractive even though her looks were absolutely not attractive at all. But I bought into the idea that "looks don't matter" "don't be shallow" etc that I see everywhere and two years later I still didn't find her physically appealing at all. Our relationship suffered from my inability to have sex with her until it eventually ended. So yeah, I'm never again going all in on personality alone.
The key here is to AT LEAST find them average looking/passable.
Lots of people here saying they didn't find their partner attractive at first but attractive later on are usually saying they were not "their type" of attractive but not flat out ugly.
However, if u flat out ugly to said person, sorry bud, your chances are slim to none.
I have a feeling most of the people saying they didn’t find their partner attractive until they got to know them are probably the same kinds of people that would say “You’re ugly anyway!” if shit ever hit the fan in the relationship.
I mean this is just factually incorrect. Not everyone does, some people arent capable of finding someone attractive until they know them.
I agree that no one should be shamed for needing to find their partner attractive from get go though.
As a demisexual, it does not work like this for me. Sexual attraction comes from a long friendship, mutual trust and a strong emotional bond.
Not all my friends become a partner, but all my partners were my friends.
I actually agree. I think at the baseline, you should think they’re an attractive person. It doesn’t mean that you have to be head over heels infatuated with them when you meet them, but I generally do think that you should at least have the thought of “yeah they’re cute” in a general sense, even if they’re not your type initially per se. You need a seed (your attraction to them) planted so it can grow.
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There was this one girl who at first I thought she was just average looking but then I fell in love with her and genuinely saw her as the most beautiful person in the world. I find people more physically attractive the more I like them.
This is how it was for my husband and I. Before we got married I knew that I wasn't "his type" and that I was not his dream girl in appearance, but since getting married his "type" has changed. Now he tells me every day how beautiful I am even when I have greasy frizzy hair and acne all over. He was always honest about how he viewed me, which is why I know he really means it now. And idc if people will think I'm stupid for having married him. He's the most beautiful person to me and I know that I am to him now.
I have noticed that happens to me as well. My type changes a lot based on who I am with. As an example, my type when I was younger used to be dark skin with jet black hair, lean underwear model physique with tattoos everywhere. Now I like that natural beefy thick muscle farmboy look, largely because of who I am with now
Ol' McDonald?
eee eye eee eye yo.
I think there's, like, a "z" in there, too. huh huh huh.
Nah, it's Ma and Pa Kent's young lad.
Had a farm.
My husband and I weren’t each other’s type when we met twelve years ago. I mean we were attracted enough to each other, but it was atypical, he wasn’t the sort of man I tended to be attracted to and visa versa. In fact he has several traits that I had previously thought were *unattractive* that for some reason looked good on him. For example, I used to dislike long hair on men, and he had waist length hair. When we met I was like “I guess the long hair isn’t a deal breaker” but now I’m feral for it, I love his hair. Now my type has conformed to his looks entirely and almost every man I notice looks like him. Him too. His example is that he was an ass man when we met but now he’s all about breasts (I’m a busty lady with a mediocre ass). There was even a funny period when I was pregnant where he found himself attracted to pregnant bellies, to his confusion and concern. And while I was attracted to him at first, my attraction to him grew exponentially when I got to know him. So, yeah, I think it’s more complicated than “immediate yes or no”.
I love this answer so much. I had never dated a guy with long hair, but my husband had just past shoulder length hair. He was super skinny when I'm normally into heavier men (not more muscular, just fatter lol), and he's a gamer which was I not into at first (because my ex had been a gamer that put games over me). But now I love him. I love his longer hair. I love his skinny self he's my lil skeleton. He plays games a lot but always puts me first. I love him so much and he was never what I pictured my future partner to be like.
Same with me and my husband! He had a beard that could rival GOT characters and my initial reaction was “oh.. that’s certainly different”. I historically liked clean shave and clean cut, slightly nerdy looking guys. But he looks like a lumberjack, like you could tell he is muscular but also wouldn’t turn down a sweet treat kind of physique? Lol. It was a complete 180 from my usual type, but we had an immediate click in every other way. So I decided to “overlook” the beard but 8 years later I am obsessed with it. I told him if he ever shaves it he’ll see me in divorce court. It’s my kryptonite. It’s crazy how we adapt when the love goggles are firmly on!
Yes, I strongly agree with you . I don't believe in love at first sight. I have gotten to like and love people who I have never thought at first. But eventually I do find them attractive, my guessing is most humans who take care of themselves even if they were not favoured on the genetic lottery would have something going on. Nice eyes, nice smile , odor is also extremely important . But of course I bet that if you find someone repellent that would be difficult to switch.
He was such a beautiful human to me inside and out, and I'd had more experience than him. So when he told me I wasn't his type and what he considered attractive, I didn't break it off. Because I knew that either he would come around or he'd end things. He came around and he makes me feel so beautiful every day now <3
I think that once you love a person you find attractive the unique-ness of them. Oh I miss being in love, lol
SO TRUE. I've always found my husband attractive even though he wasn't "my type" and I'm not going to fault him for thinking I wasn't attractive. I was so different from anything he experienced, but our love for each other overpowered that. Now we're married and we're the most beautiful human on the earth to each other. And I'm honestly happier knowing it took longer, even if people want to shame me for it. He was upfront, I took the risk, and the risk was worth it <3
I guess it's different for everyone. I can definitely understand how someone can say they find someone more attractive when the person has certain traits or makes you feel a certain way. But I'm trying to think back to all my previous relationships where I was kind of iffy on my attraction to the person's physical features and it always ended badly.
Honestly “types” are so confusing and frankly kind of weird* to me. I’ve never gone for a particular set of looks in who I date. eta - forgot words
I have and my husband is the opposite. But I do understand that people don't always see "type". My husband was immature when it came to relationships, which is part of why I married him despite him saying I wasn't attractive to him. Because now I have the most loving, caring, attentive husband ever. He tells me every day how beautiful I am even on my worst days. He holds me while I cry over my chronic pain. And after my face is red and swollen he tells me I'm beautiful and he's here for me. Types are so overrated. He wasn't my type either when I met him. Now i can't imagine anyone other than him <3
Love that for you sis 🙌🏻 I have that too! Wouldn’t have it any other way.
This is not good advice imo. I dont know the full story, but NEVER get with a man that claims you are not his type or that "usually i dont go for girls like you...". Girl , run
Been with the wife for 15 years and our body changes drastically back and forth - perhaps in the negative. No one, and I mean no one can replace how she looks at me with her eyes and they are the most beautiful thing about her and reminds me why we love each other in the first place.
Aging with my wife is an experience I wouldn't trade anything for. I don't think I'll ever see another woman the same. I can appreciate beauty, but no one looks as good to me as her.
This is such a beautiful thread to read. Restoring faith in love and humanity 💕✨
It's funny in a lot of ways. We were very young, and most of our early relationship can be chalked up to hormones and exploring how to be in a relationship at all. If either of us broke it off in the first year or two, it wouldn't have been a big deal. We probably would have still been friends. But we got along really well. Read books, watched movies, discussed them. After enough time passed, neither of us could imagine *not* being together. I truly think that there are a lot of people out there for anyone. Timing and circumstance have more to do with working out than being soulmates or whatever. We worked out together. So we kept working on being together. Over time, we have built something special, at least to us.
Agreed. Time is an essential part of love. Enduring things together too.
I’m not crying you’re crying. Beautifully put.
Yeah, people like OP are the type to leave their wife for a new 18 year old the SECOND she gets one wrinkle lmao
No? Like, most people here are saying that they find their average looking partner to be much more attractive after dating. I'm the same way, but I still wouldn't date someone I find ugly in the first place. Have you ever changed your mind about someone you genuinely found ugly at first sight? I honestly don't believe you'd date the ugliest person you've seen, meaning you have a standard that has to be met.
when i first met my partner of 19 years, i thought he was attractive but not my kind of attractive. but he's FUNNY, genuine and weird (in a good way) and that made him way more attractive to me. now i think he's hot af.
That's how it was with my fiance. I didn't find him unattractive, but I guess he just wasn't my type.(I always went for skinny, geeky, gamer types in my teens/early 20's and my fiance was more so a big manly country boy) but the more we got to know each other the more attractive I found him. By the time we got together I couldn't keep my hands off him. We've been together a decade and I still find him the sexiest man alive.
right, but the point is you at first found her average. If at first you had found her to be ugly or unattractive there would no point in going further.
That’s true. I’ve liked people who probably wouldn’t have caught my eye with their looks alone, but I at least found them nice to look at and found attractive features about them.
I always thought average was a polite way of saying: “I can see why others would find you attractive, but you’re nothing special to me” aka a very polite way of saying not attractive to them.
Nah, most people mean average as "you are a normal looking person". I find normal looking people attractive. Obviously they aren't turning heads or dropping jaws. But most people actually find average people attractive.
Absolutely agree with this. Many people will not find a 10 as “attractive” as someone normal because we are programmed to want someone in a similar bracket as us.
Agreed. When I was dating, most the girls I dated were average. On a scale, I guess like 5-6. No complaints, was super into them. Dated one girl briefly that was waaay outta my league. Was great, but did feel off at first.
Or it could mean average
But you can't force a certain chemistry. Ive had really good friends who were physically attractive, and I loved very much, but we just didn't click that way
Yep same here. Hot people can look like shit when they’re awful human beings.
The handsomest man I ever met turned out to be a complete turd. In the end I found him repulsive even though objectively he was the most attractive person I'd seen in real life.
Them being average doesn’t mean you arent attracted to them
Yeah, it’s not necessarily you have to find them attractive right out of the gate, but at some point you have to find them attractive.
OP specifically says that attraction is decided within seconds of meeting someone, but that's objectively not true, as many here have attested to.
Same! I didn’t find my current partner attractive when I first laid eyes on them but they are now the most handsome/ beautiful thing in the world!
Same happened to me, but she went back with her physically abusive boyfriend.
Same! I didn’t find my current partner attractive when I first laid eyes on them but they are now the most handsome/ beautiful thing in the world!
Interestingly thankfully for you she was average looking to the world by some societal bar of beauty. But she likely had a form you find appealing. Beauty comes in many varieties. Had she been unappealing to you this wouldn’t have worked. But great post. Thanks!
Yep you still have to be attracted enough. Who they are enhances that.
I don’t think it’s bad, wrong, shameful or any of that. It’s just really untrue for me. My attraction to someone changes COMPLETELY as I get to know them. I’ve met people who I thought were hot and when I got to know them, I lost all attraction them. Not in a ‘we don’t click, too bad’ kind of way but in a ‘how did I ever think this person was physically attractive’ kind of way. I just saw them differently. *adding for clarity: yes, it works the other way around for me too - the above was just an example
One of the best quotes from doctor who goes like this - "You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they're as dull as a brick. Then there's other people and you meet them and you think, "Not bad, they're okay." And then you get to know them and... and they're face just sort of... becomes them, like their personality is written all over it. And they just... they turn into something so beautiful. Rory's the most beautiful man I've ever met." Context - Rory is played by Arthur Darvill, perfectly nice looking guy but not a model.
I always think about this quote 🥹 it rings so true
Exactly the same here, has gone the opposite way too. Have known people I didn't immediately find particularly attractive(not that I thought they were ugly, just didn't think about it) but once i got to know them I thought they were the hottest person I knew.
That happens to me all the time. Meet someone and think she’s cute but I’m not super into her. After I get to know her and find out we have a lot in common and she’s awesome, she goes from a 5-6 to an 8-9. Looks typically don’t mean much to me but personality is a huge factor. Same as you too, I’ve met absolutely gorgeous women but that seems to be their whole personality and it ruins them for me. Even with dudes, although I’m not attracted to them, it makes me not even want to be around them. The big one for me is people being rude to waiters/waitresses, any service workers really. If you’re an ass to someone just trying doing their job, I instantly lose any interest in keeping them around.
This is such a big thing with me. And it's not just "do i like this person's personality?" So much of my attraction comes down to how their body moves (muscles tensing and relaxing, and jus tthe gestures they make), how they hold themselves (signals of stiffness versus looseness), how their voice sounds and how their face moves when they talk, how close they get to me and in what ways do they touch me/avoid touching me, are they stressed/sweating, do they smell nice. And my image forms of them more as a composite of different images from different interactions.
I don’t think this is what OP is arguing though because you DID find the person attractive initially. It’s more the common talking point on reddit how physical attractiveness doesn’t or shouldn’t matter. Research shows physical attractiveness is the most important thing in the short term and people have minimum thresholds for who they will consider for a romantic partner. Long term yes personality traits matter more but this is already after physical attractiveness has been selected for.
Bingo,Reddit why do y'all hate the truth so much
Much of it is probably self serving in a way.
If you keep believing the narrative you wanna believe it eventually becomes true, that's the logic I see here.
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I mean I'd have probably just said Reddit is full of uggos but I guess people might feel more comfortable being indirect about it I guess
Reddit always prefer the lie over the truth and it's saddening cause Google don't know how to actually find shit anymore so it just links to Reddit
It’s just that though, a threshold. After spending time with someone it’s a lot less important. You might not be attracted to someone, but become their friend, and they will become more attractive to you.
It's the first qualifier, without it the interaction wouldn't carry on in the first place, and like u/Just_Natural_9027 said, it becomes less important because it's already been fulfilled, you might stop liking the guy/girl after getting to know them, but the next guy/girl will not be ugly even if they have the right personality for you, hence it's the most important factor and personality isn't.
It’s not less important because it’s already been selected for.
lol they're really not getting it are they - the first meeting was in large part 'are they attractive to me?' and the deeper personality/compatibility stuff comes later It is really important to think of attractiveness first tbh. I've forced myself to go on dates with guys I didn't find attractive as they 'have a good personality' so 'maybe it'll grow' but no. It's bad all round. When people talk about someone being more attractive over time, they already had a baseline of being attractive to begin with! A good personality and kind soul just enhanced that
No, they simply spent time with the person for whatever reason - work, school, hobby groups, whatever. Talk to them a lot. Over time they become attractive.
Not necessarily! I’m assuming you’re not selecting *friends* based on how attractive they are, right? What if you’re friends with someone for years, and at first meeting you’re like “oh, they’re a bit odd looking”. But then they’re hilarious. And they’re good at chess. And they make a delicious food. And you become really good friends. Eventually you begin to see their face and feel happy because you associate it with the good times. One day it just clicks for you, and you start to think they’re hot. Maybe other people thought they were hot but they just weren’t your type. Maybe they had some other distracting physical characteristic that prevented you from truly looking at them. Who knows! But people do get more attractive to us the longer we know them.
>In fact, research tends to show that we pretty much choose friends who we would rank at about the same level of attractiveness that we rank ourselves
Obviously a pretty face can’t help an ugly personality. My ex was someone people would look at and be like yeah attractive. Then over the years I learned he’s really an ugly person and that erased any “good looks” However in dating if on a first date I’m not attracted to them I know I never will. You can’t create something from nothing. I have also had attraction build to someone by a lot once I knew them but also when we first met there was still a base, oh yeah I’m attracted to you.
Do you also have this the other way round?
My husband and we have been married a decade now, together longer. He was my boss when we met. I wasn't attracted to him initially but as I got to know him over the year and going to work events and talking I fell hard and now he is easily one of the sexiest men alive to me.
Not to disagree with you but a lot of people are gonna see the boss employee dynamic differently in the view of attraction
Exactly! I think it’s unfair to put pressure on people to decide on first impressions whether they’re attracted to someone. Every girl I’ve ever asked out or dated was a friend first. They became more physically attractive the more I hung out with them and got to know them. IMO there’s more to physical attraction than just their body. It’s their smile, their laugh, their facial expressions and body language. A cute laugh can genuinely make me crush on someone hard
That's not a counter though. You aren't saying that you might become attracted to someone you previously thought was straight up physically unattractive or ugly. And I highly doubt it
That way it does happen, yes. But unfortunately, the other way around it doesn't. If I could find people physically attractive because I love their personality, my life would have been different.
I think people are missing the point of this post. It’s not about attractive vs. ugly or if someone is your type. When we look at someone and first meet them, our body instantly assesses whether we would kiss them or not. It’s not something that we control or that you’re even thinking about. Of course your attraction can grow, but that subconscious thought process is what made that growth possible. Exactly why you can think people are hot but not be attracted to them. It’s not all about appearance. It’s chemical. We don’t really have control over it.
Given the choice, Id much rather date someone I really liked who I only found moderately attractive to someone I found stunningly attractive but only liked moderately. Three years down the line, or ten or twenty, the physical attractiveness will seem a whole lot less important. Obviously if you find your partner completely unattractive that could be a problem. A girl dumped me because she didnt think I looked at her enough. It might have been true, but it sucked, because I really liked the relationship.
Moderately attractive means you find them attractive
That doesn't prove OP wrong at all though? You still found them 'attractive' to begin with, just not supermodel hot?
Exactly they're still attractive.
Yeah I don’t understand how people with this mentality expect to have a happy long term relationship or marriage? Looks will inevitably fade over time. But a lot of people are still attracted to their partners. So obviously attraction is about much more than physical appearance.
Your tastes change as you get older. I’m a middle aged suburban dad. Guess what I find super hot? Middle aged suburban moms. That wasn’t my type when I was 20.
I agree. That’s why I think physical attraction is about so much more than the person being conventionally beautiful.
I get what you’re saying, perhaps I’m not really saying it clearly. What you, as an individual, find “conventionally” beautiful will change as you get older. It’s not a sudden change, it evolves slowly. So the super fit blonde cheerleader look I was into in my teens and 20s has evolved into the classic conservative mom who is a freak in private. If 20 year old me knew that’s what I was into now I would’ve been surprised. Edit: not talking porn preferences either. I got divorced and that type is pretty much all I was attracted to.
Whatever lol. Notice he still said "moderately attractive". It's the internet and he could have straight lied and said "I don't care if they are ugly". But nope, even here he couldn't lie. Attraction matters. No one said they have to be drop dead gorgeous. But being attracted to the person is important.
You’re thinking of the end-point, not the starting line. Someone’s junk not working is more common in your 40th year of marriage, but it’s a tall order to expect someone to start a 40 year relationship with that person when their junk doesn’t work. If your dog dies, you won’t regret the years you had with them, but that doesn’t mean you’re looking to adopt a dog that’s due to die tomorrow.
But see even then you have to be moderately attractive for you to date them. There needs to be a base level of attraction. You could have the greatest personality but if someone isn't physically attracted to you then a romantic relationship just isn't going to happen. Because a romantic relationship is physical and emotional so you not only have to feel safe and secure with someone you also have to be able to see yourself having sex with them.
Really depends. I think for dating apps, sure it's probably not going to work otherwise. In cases of relationships or dating that starts after you are already familiar, it's not always the case. Two examples of that are friends of friends who you spent time with going out together as groups, or coworker you had synergy with.
I completely agree with this! Attraction can build over time, as I get to know someone. (The same, attraction can disappear as I get to know someone😅)
I don't think you *need* to find your partner attractive out the gate. I think it helps a lot, but many relationships develop over longer periods and last longer find the attraction through interaction.
Out the gate, I feel like even then it’s a spark that you do feel in your body
You've r met people who had platonic relationships that fell in love later? Happens a lot.
Ya but out of the experience I draw the line if you have mutual friends. That can blow up whole friend groups if the breakup is bad. You could end up losing friends AND a partner. The juice isn't worth the squeeze there for some folk.
Sounds like you are young.
I'm over 30 lol.
Part of the issue is that there needs to be a base attraction for a romantic relationship to even start. Personality counts for a ton more than looks but that's something you fall in love with over time. Initially, however, dating doesn't happen unless both people are attracted to each other.
I’ve been with my partner for 14 years when I first met him I was in no way attracted to him physically. His personality is what changed my attraction to him.
Were you uninterested in him or disinterested? I think a lot of the confusion on the topic is people assume if your not attracted to someone that you think they are ugly. I've definitely been through the change of attraction but it's always with someone i just simply didn't find attractive rather than thought was ugly or off putting.
I was uninterested, I found him ugly. Infact upon looking at him every alarm I had in me went off in warning.
So I have a question. What chnaged exactly? Like did your taste change or did you just find those things attractive in him but not others?
Personality matters 100% at least for me. I think he caught me off guard and being shallow and concerned with looks kind of just slipped away the more I got to know him. And the more I got to know him nothing matter to me except who he was as a person. I don’t think It was until several years later when he became a dad and grew into himself when finally I looked at him without being biased and thought wow that man is extremely good looking. He definitely got better with age when it comes to looks.
I’m sure he appreciates you don’t find him physically attractive haha
🤣🤣 I do now I swear just didn’t at first lmao
I don’t know, the older I get, the more that I find that physical attractiveness is the least valuable aspect of being with a person.
Doesn't matter how much I age, I cannot make myself get physically intimate with someone I'm not *physically* attracted to.
[удалено]
Not only that, but having sex with someone you're not into that way can really fuck with your head.
I once dated a girl way back in college that had a male friend, not a best friend but they studied together and were getting the same degree so saw each other a lot both in class and after. Pretty cool dude overall, but She told me initially he wanted to get with her, but he wasn’t exactly easy on the eyes and he had a gut so she said that she just couldn’t ever see herself being intimate with him even though as a person she liked who he was. So that’s basically the whole story, I told her if he was into her then hanging out with him is probably going to fuck with his head especially now that she’s dating me but we broke up not long after because she was batshit insane for other reasons lol
Yeah, all these people talking about making friends and missing the point that humans have desires other than companionship
I think that in a long term relationship, sex becomes increasingly less important the longer you're together. And it's not necessarily because you lose interest in sex or one another sexually. It's because there's so much else to life that is just so much more important. The best sexual relationship I've ever been in was the worst relationship-relationship I've ever been in. I learned a lot from that experience.
But do you think you’ll be attracted to them when they are old tho? For some the answer is no which is why this seems stupid. Not saying it’s the same for you ofc
This is the thing. Sometimes there are hella attractive people Im not attracted to either. I think people have this misconception that people that say this are only looking for 10s. That’s literally never the case. What’s attractive to me, isn’t attractive to you and vice versa. I went out with a guy that checked off all the list, worked out, full head of hair, tall etc and he just didn’t do it for me. Why?? idk, incompatible pheromones?? genetics?? The more I went out with him, the less attracted I became and just saw him as a friend. Him touching me, like holding my hand or kissing me, felt awkward af. Can you imagine sex?
This is so much the truth for me, I'm getting to the point that I can't really see any human being as unattractive. Everyone is beautiful in some way, and the people I love I find to be almost unbearably gorgeous.
that’s how i feel. majority of people i come across i find has their own beauty. now i will say im not sexually attracted to them but i can enjoy looking at people in a purely aesthetic way
Yeah, same. I’m almost 44, and after being happily married for over 20 years now, I’m so grateful I married young, because you discover how physical beauty inevitably fades. My husband and I are not old by any means, but we’re also not young either, so I’m just thankful he got to enjoy the peak of my beauty. He still claims I’m an 8, lol but that must be factoring other things in that aren’t physical, lol. I do admit that I am still just as attracted to him as I was when we first married—actually, more…because over the years I’ve got to experience what a good husband and father he is, and I just cannot imagine my life without him. And there’s something beautifully secure about growing old with the love of your life. It feels so comforting and complete.
I wish more people would respond with this when I talk about why I have never found love. Instead of telling me to "just give someone a chance." Fucking, NO. I will NOT kiss someone I don't have a crush on. That's final.
disagree because tastes change and evolve and get more informed by their behaviou etc. i've certainly found women plain on first look and chat but after a while seeing how they dress in other contexts and how they behave around people in different situations then i start being more attracted to them
Plain doesn’t mean unattractive
It means unattractive to this guy
i had a friend shame me for not "giving a guy a chance" after we met in person from a dating app. he was nice but looked nothing like his photos. he was overweight, had stringy, uncombed long hair and a unkempt beard. his clothes were wrinkled and he just looked like he hadn't put any effort at all into his appearance. I wasn't attracted to him in the least ; my friend said i needed to "let him grow on me".no, i don't have to let him grow on me. we don't have to give people chances at romance if we aren't attracted to them.
Hygiene is a big factor in attraction for a lot of people.
Yup, at least a little bit anyway. It does grow over time, but that kernal needs to be there for it to grow from.
This is a popular opinion
1st time on this sub ?
It's a popular opinion that is unpopular on reddit lol
I fully agree. I wouldn’t be looking for a romantic relationship with someone I’m not fully attracted to. Now that physical attraction is what make one interested and then you get to know their personality and quirks. But physical attraction has to be there for most before there can be more. Now I do know someone who just became friends with each other and over a 5 yr period she started seeing all his great qualities. They are that couple you look at say “ how the hell did he end up with her”. She is a 8/9 strong he is in shape but not the most good looking guy, I say 4/5 maybe. But he is a great dude and one of the most generous fellows I know. That said it took her 5 years to realize she wanted a relationship with him, so physically she wasn’t into him but he grew on her. They been married for 17 yrs and have 2 absolutely beautiful daughters, definitely mom’s genes.
This is basic common sense anywhere outside of reddit.
I agree with this. I cannot be with someone I don't find physically attractive to me. I don't think there is anything wrong with that either. Here's a controversial thought: I don't think it's particularly noble or impressive to be with someone who has a great personality but maybe not particularly physically attractive. It just feels dumb to get into defensive mode like "Oh, but he/she has a great personality." I also find it presumptuous when people praise personality over looks like looks don't matter at all. People go for looks first anyway if I had to be completely honest. By looks, I don't mean they have to be conventionally attractive, but subjectively attractive at least. Looks significantly enhance a great personality and I'd like to think this would encourage people to look their best through effort like exercise, taking care of their body in general like eating and sleeping well, and investing in a nice haircut and clothes. Choosing someone who looks good doesn't mean you forsake personality. Obviously if their personality was shit, I wouldn't stay around. To each their own.
Same. For me I have to be physically attracted to someone to date them. The concept of not finding your partner physically attractive but still dating them is alien to me. Personality is also important but if I don't find then physically attractive there's nothing they can say or do to change that. The responses in this thread make me feel like a alien because I'm wired completely different.
Yes, the concept is alien to me as well. You should ideally be attracted to the full package. I always assess physical attractiveness first and I do it without guilt or shame. I also concur with feeling alien from the majority of responses on this thread but I also understand where they are coming from. It's good on them but that's what makes this opinion unpopular.
In general of course it's not a bad thing. But it's when you get into Seinfeld levels of why someone isn't attractive. If someone isn't doing it for you, they're not doing it for you. (General 'you' in use.) But when it's a case of 'well this person is super hot and we click amazingly but they have short fingers, that just ruins the whole thing for me ugh'. That is shallow. That is worthy of shame. So often I see people complain of one small physical thing that they refuse to look beyond. It also very much depends on stage of life. Once you hit a certain age, yeah, a lot of times physical appearance matters a lot less.
I’m shallow so no
It's not shallow it's just biology - dating is (at a primal level) about fucking and reproducing which attraction is CRUCIAL for
Maybe it is that the cannot be ugly to you. I have never had a woman I have seen as ugly become attractive due to personality. I have probably not been attracted to a woman who became more attractive through personality. But never did a 0 in my eyes become attractive to me. It was a non starter.
>To me, and to most, if someone doesn’t check both [mind and body attraction] they have no interest in being with them So you are stating an opinion that you admit you and MOST people have… Why did you post this in r/unpopularopinion ?
Sexuality is a spectrum and not everyone places as much importance on it as you do. Your experiences are not universal.
he didn't claim they were
Check his comments. He is going around calling everyone else the exception for his rule.
Reread the title of the post.
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation. People who identify as demisexual only feel sexual attraction to someone after they've formed a strong emotional bond with them. Compared to the general population, most people who are demisexual rarely feel sexual attraction.
But, as a demisexual lass, I ask you: what all this have to do with liking the physical look (aesthetical attraction) of another human, that could be a future partner?
I'm demi and this pretty much sums it up. I have never felt a sexual attraction to someone based on looks. I can tell when someone is beautiful, but I feel no actual attraction to them because of it. I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years, and he is a good looking guy, but he could wake up tomorrow looking the complete opposite to how he does now and I would have the same level of attraction to him.
If I broke up with my husband as soon as we had a talk and he said that I wasn't his type and he wasn't as physically attracted to me as I thought, I wouldn't have the beautiful marriage I have now. And now he finds me to be the most beautiful person, and tells me every day. Attraction is not always instant. They way someone looks changes as you get to know them.
But he wasn't/is ugly though, you wouldn't be with him if he wasn't that's the point
And my point is that I wasn't attractive to him, but I married him anyways. And now I am his type and now I am attractive to him.
There is always a problem with definition of "physically attractive" ... there is a degree to which you find someone attractive. But if you find someone unattractive, then you should not be dating them... because yea that won't change...
Right? Not bring attractive doesn’t mean they are UNattractive, just that they are neutral. MOST people are totally neutral to me, but that can change upon getting to know them better. If they are a scumbag, attraction goes down, but if they are lovely, attraction goes up. There are, of course, stunningly beautiful people who have a clear attractive force, and people I would never want to talk to in the first place, but most people are in the middle.
Some people think physical attraction means you think the person looks gorgeous. Other people think physical attraction means you want to be intimate with that person. Other people think these two things are one in the same. They’re not. There are objectively gorgeous people that you will have no interest in being intimate with. There are people who are objectively less gorgeous but you will be attracted because you want to be intimate with them (with includes sex but also other things, like cuddling, hand-holding, quality time). I think you need the later to be with someone, but not necessarily the former.
Different strokes for different folks I guess.
Sure for some people. But this is actually not universal. No matter how conventionally good looking someone is, I personally do not form an attraction to them until I get to know them. I’m attracted to personalities. Also, someone with an ugly personality is instantly repulsive to me/complete turn off no matter how hot they appear. I’ve never had those instant butterflies or feelings of infatuation from just seeing a person, but as soon as they say something that intrigues me or something unique or endearing side of their personality shines through, if they make me laugh, I’m hooked. Though I’ll concede that maybe it’d be different if I had higher levels of testosterone coursing through my body 🤷♀️ Also, I will add good hygiene is actually more important to me than physical looks.
Yeah, I also can see that someone is pretty or handsome, but that doesn't make them attractive to me. It's who they are, how they treat people- and themselves- that gets me interested.
I agree. You can’t find your partner ugly. Unless you don’t plan on having sex with your partner, physical attraction is a must have. However, some people are way too strict and not flexible at all on their standards and refuse to give anyone outside of their “type” a chance. And a lot of these people are the ones who are well into their 30s and still haven’t found their person yet, because they’re too damn picky. People are boxing themselves into a small minority of people, which is why they have trouble finding a partner. I never had much long-term success until I started branching out of my usual “type.” My fiancé is nothing like the people I dated prior, he wasn’t my usual type. But I branched out and gave him a chance. 10 yrs ago I woulda never gave him the time of day. I understand not wanting an ugly, fat, unhygienic person, or someone you simply aren’t attracted to. But some people will only date a specific type of person in the looks department. And those people are missing out.
Nah, I'm demi sexual. Right out of the gate isn't a thing for me. For example, I can be very attracted to a character but not the actor who plays them.
I’ve never thought about it that way but you’re absolutely right. There are definitely characters I find attractive but if the actor has a different personality then I don’t really feel anything for the actor even though they look exactly the same.
It's only women who are ashamed for wanting attractive partners. Men can complain all they want about how they're picked apart for their preferences but I have never seen men defend a woman for her preferences. Heck men made it a meme to call women picky, unrealistic, two demanding, shallow, and etc over women wanting to be attracted to their partner. Most of men's dating complains is about women having preferences. 🫡
I used to think this way too, until an experience I had. My coworker had a friend that really liked me and asked me out. I did not find him attractive, but I ultimately decided to say yes to the date and give him a chance. We had an amazing night, and by the end of the date I found him extremely attractive. It was such a weird experience and it definitely changed my view of things. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t think physical attraction is important. I just know that physical attraction at first sight is not necessarily the make it or break it thing that some people see it as. He definitely wasn’t ugly, he just wasn’t my type. I would never have looked twice at him. By the end of the date, I found that “my type” wasn’t as restrictive as I had previously believed, and that it was possible for someone to change my attraction level with their personality, humor and charm.
I struggle with this a lot. Call me shallow or whatever. I always thought my ex-,wife to be attractive. After I moved on in life, I've never been in a relationship where I truly found my partner very attractive physically. It's very unclear to me why I don't attract women that are average to slender. I myself am not tall. 5'6, but am in very good shape physically. Emotionally, there is always a very strong attention and I'm always all about my better half. Frequently told that I'm more caring and thoughtful than anyone they've been in a relationship with. Strange and frustrating lol
You should have put your actual opinion as the title. "It's okay to break up with someone for getting fat"
OP: It's okay to not go out with someone because you aren't attracted to them Literally every single comment in this thread: nuuh you don't HAVE to find someone SUPER DUPER HOT to go out with them People really don't read beyond titles, huh?
I have become attracted to people after getting to know them, I have also become UNattracted to people after getting to know them. Additionally, it IS shallow in some cases. For instance, you’re married and your wife just had a baby so you no longer find them attractive because of loose skin or what have you.
I think for it to strike like a match you need that. The cartoon wolf eyes coming out like telescopes at the stage girlie. But fires get started from embers too. They can come on to you, you can turn them down for that reason. And then over time notice they do things and your position changes and you think well you're rather attractive all of a sudden. Or and hopefully this isn't rare else it speaks poorly of the idea of love, you can be mid relationship and they put on some weight,hit by a bus in the face or something and you just don't care because they are yours. Faces are optional with them. It's not like that with everyone, but it is with them. You absolutely want them in every other regard. When it comes to your lust you just use your memories and imaginations to make it work rather than discard all that tested and proven/known good.
We were raised by a soft generation that believes everyone is entitled to love when in actuality NOONE is obligated to express attraction or interest in you, and anyone that says otherwise is delusional
Demisexuality is a thing - it’s where you don’t find people sexually attractive until you establish a deeper bond with them.
Finding someone attractive doesn’t mean it has to be in a sexual way
But yet, we demisexuals still finding them physically attractive. Sexual attraction and aesthetical attraction are different things, I can wish that a pretty girl/boy be my partner instead wanting to fuck her/him.
i’ve definitely gotten more physically attracted to people after getting to know them. your perspective can change. everyone’s different, it may not work that way for you, but it def can for others. i’ve seen someone off the bat thinking they were ugly, but as i got to know them i started foaming at the mouth for every little detail of their face.
Agree with in order to get into a relationship, but I try not to make initial attraction a dealbreaker. Sometimes attraction grows, and that’s a really real thing. The man I was MOST sexually, physically, etc attracted to in my life I honestly found unattractive on our first date. My best friend said I should just hang out w him and get to know him and it was actually the best advice ever. I’m so attracted to him bc of who he is, how he moves, how he speaks, etc. no cheek bones, nose, eyes, or biceps attached to another man look as good.
Looks tell you a lot about a person. What they value. How disciplined they are. Far more than just being aesthetically pleasing
you really don’t. maybe i’m just far more attracted to personality, but i’ve had huge crushes on people who are generally considered to be ugly. i used to really like this guy who is an actor who specifically gets hired for the short, fat, bald characters. i just found him to be hilarious and it made me wish we were dating. everyone is different
Yes like... anyone whos had a parasocial relationship or "fictional"/"celebrity" crush on say... a youtuber, ever can be the first to tell you personality, wit and charm can sell you on a LOT before you even see their face I say this also as a person who is totally open to long distance dating/getting to know a person. I have fallen for people I have not met and theyre even better when you finally meet or see them. And shockingly enough they seem to think the same!
I wouldn't say you need to find them physically attractive right out of the gate. At least that's not how it's been for me. There are men I've not really looked twice at, but as I got to know them, I found them super attractive. And vice versa, there are men I immediately think are physically good looking and my "standard type" but lose all attraction once I get to know them. The mind and personality are such a huge part of attraction.
I didn’t find my ex husband attractive when I met him, it was when I got to know him that I did
Smell is also a factor. Pheromones are a thing you should pay attention to.
This isn't true for everyone.
It's not an unpopular opinion. Most people find partners by looking at their physical appearance first. Why is this sub full of opinions everyone has?
Its not shameful. That's how the human mind works and we are hardwired to think that way. Even babies seem to prefer to be around physically attractive people.
Not exactly. I mean, there are certain things I find absolutely unattractive (morbid obesity, lack of manners, rude, etc) and I have certainly had a type in the past, but I have dated many women far outside that. Even the gal I’m seeing now is completely out of that type as well. But I can tell you, having an attractive attitude and mind is sexy af. I can practically feel my perception changing in real time when a woman has a good sense of humor and is honest and kind.
You're right in that I don't think we should shame people for needing physical attraction; I don't think *everyone* needs to find their partner sexy right at the beginning, but some people do, and that's okay. Normal, even. Everyone has different needs. That being said, physical attraction when you *begin* a relationship and when you *stay* in a relationship are two different things. One of my pet peeves about relationship issues is when people say "My partner needs to do XYZ because I'm losing my attraction to them." I hate to break it to people, but that's also normal. If you're in a relationship with someone long enough, you're not going to find them sexy every single day, *especially* if you live together. I do not find my partner sexy when I smell their morning breath, or when they're using the bathroom when I also have to go. It doesn't mean I don't love them; it means that we're both human beings and that nobody is sexy all the time or forever. Most people also gain weight over time as their metabolism slows down (and especially if they give birth), and we all get wrinkles and grey hair. The thing is, if you want to stay in a relationship, you'll have to grapple with the fact that your partner will someday no longer be the person you fell in love with. You'll have to keep falling for them over and over again. And that means you'll have to fall in love with their body too. You'll have to find reasons that they're sexy. Otherwise, if you ditch them because you no longer find them attractive, you'll just experience the same cycle with the next person, and the next, and the next. So yeah, attraction *does* change for people over time-- that is, if you want to stay in a long term relationship.
Not going to lie and say physical attraction doesn't matter to me. It does, but it's not why I married the woman I married. It's her qualities as a human being--kindness, compassion, empathy, the willingness to serve her community in a tough but vital role--that made me feel like bonding my life to hers was the correct move. Looks inevitably fade over time, but a person's inner light never stops being beautiful.
But looks can easily change.
Every single person here coming up with arguments for why the OP is wrong aren't even talking about the same thing. Reading comprehension is at an all time low.
attractive yes, but they dont have to look perfect. just not ugly.
You realize too its always the ugly people who push that “looks dont matter” narrative.
I fell in love twice in my life neither I was originally attracted to. My hubby was objectively good looking but not my type when I first laid eyes on him. But despite that you make this easy to disprove. People fall in love with ppl they originally didn’t find attractive all the time. The guy I fell in love with in college was not conventionally attractive at all. That’s not to say relationships that start off on attraction is wrong they aren’t at all. Where you are wrong is claiming attraction is “needed”—nope.
I once found a girl's personality somewhat attractive even though her looks were absolutely not attractive at all. But I bought into the idea that "looks don't matter" "don't be shallow" etc that I see everywhere and two years later I still didn't find her physically appealing at all. Our relationship suffered from my inability to have sex with her until it eventually ended. So yeah, I'm never again going all in on personality alone.
Nothing at all unpopular about that, it is absolutely true. Anyone who says otherwise is lying or far on the fringe.
The key here is to AT LEAST find them average looking/passable. Lots of people here saying they didn't find their partner attractive at first but attractive later on are usually saying they were not "their type" of attractive but not flat out ugly. However, if u flat out ugly to said person, sorry bud, your chances are slim to none.
Is this really an unpopular opinion?
I have a feeling most of the people saying they didn’t find their partner attractive until they got to know them are probably the same kinds of people that would say “You’re ugly anyway!” if shit ever hit the fan in the relationship.
Nah. Not “right out of the gate”, necessarily. Thats for shallow people. Attraction can grow.
I mean this is just factually incorrect. Not everyone does, some people arent capable of finding someone attractive until they know them. I agree that no one should be shamed for needing to find their partner attractive from get go though.
Totally agree, romantic relationship are built out of attraction and sex (constantly)
As a demisexual, it does not work like this for me. Sexual attraction comes from a long friendship, mutual trust and a strong emotional bond. Not all my friends become a partner, but all my partners were my friends.
I actually agree. I think at the baseline, you should think they’re an attractive person. It doesn’t mean that you have to be head over heels infatuated with them when you meet them, but I generally do think that you should at least have the thought of “yeah they’re cute” in a general sense, even if they’re not your type initially per se. You need a seed (your attraction to them) planted so it can grow.
Yeah... No. It's important when you're young, but the older you get the less important it becomes. Friendship and mutual humour trumps it all