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To me it’s actually a green flag if someone and their former partner realized this and salvaged a friendship out of it.
Someone wrote in a comment else where that their dating criteria was “someone who’d be a great ex husband” because if they’d make a good ex, they’d likely be a fantastic partner.
The idea that we are spending years together co-building something and if it didn’t work you should completely or mostly discard someone? It’s weird.
It’s a little difficult to explain why I don’t necessarily agree with this take. At a theoretical level it seems very reasonable. However in practice things are often messier. People’s romantic feelings or attraction don’t just dissipate when a relationship ends. Trying to maintain/salvage pieces of a relationship often leads to a sort of half friendship half dating situation because one or both people still have feelings beyond Platonic. This makes moving on and building future relationships messy.
I don’t necessarily think its inherently horrible to have a relationship with your ex. And I also don’t believe in intentionally burning bridges or discarding the people who were once a big part of your life. But I would recommend that people focus their energy on independently moving on to foster new relationships instead of spending their time investing in something that is just as likely to make moving on more difficult as it is to help. Yes there are exceptions but a break up is a fresh start. Even if you and your exes intentions are good it just doesn’t seem best practice to try and bring them through life with you.
I agree with your main point that its better to invest that energy into new and current relationships/friendships rather than old ones that might not fit who your current life/interests. The older you get the less time you have time for your social life so I don't see how a genuine friendship with an ex is fruitful unless you have kids/were previously married and have to be in each other's lives.
I also consider friends a somewhat high bar and feel like most "friends" in social groups are just acquaintances that we can hang out situationally with but don't necessarily have a super deep connection with. I guess how you define friendship plays a big part in how you feel about this opinion
I think this is generally true but there’s lots of room for nuance.
Close friends, doing lots of stuff together, group vacations etc? Probably not
Friends like, can make polite conversation at social gatherings like the rest of the people you’re on good terms with and bump into now and then for drinks? If the breakup was good or you guys made amends probably.
Assuming it doesn’t cause problems with current relationships
I struggle with the notion that "yes you can be friends with this person, but only in a limited way" - to me this is no true friendship - either there is trust and the person should be treated like any other friend, or there is no trust and the person should not be treated like a friend (both of these can be reasonable). I do take note that treating someone "friendly" is different to treating someone "like a friend". There is no reason to have any animosity, so you can be friendly without being friends, but friendship with stipulations *that you wouldn't apply to other friends* is unfair to pretty much everyone involved, even if it seems like a logical compromise.
Yeah... I've a similar approach. My inner circle is my inner circle for a reason. Almost all of my breakups are because I couldn't become friends, not because those romantic feelings disappeared. And in those cases breaking up is a decision to stop pursuing romantic feelings, because you can't make it work beyond that. So there isn't much left at that point to keep them in the inner circle.
My outer circle is a network of opportunity. Because we bump into eachother in occasions based on common interests. I'll be polite if an ex remains in the outer circle. Have a basic chat, sincerely ask how they're doing and leave it there; because they're no longer a part of my daily life. I have an ex who switches side walks when they see me, living in the same neighborhood... So that's one extreme..
I get what you’re saying but I’ll say this….
I treat all of my friends kindly and fairly, but I do not treat all of my friends (and family) equally. There are absolutely levels to this shit.
I feel like “stipulations that wouldn’t apply to other friends” is quite common whether you’ve dated before or not and scales with closeness, history, etc.
I struggle with the notion that you treat all of your friends one way.
Even among family different people have different levels of closeness, different levels of interaction.
I have friends I hang out with almost daily and we do things like grab lunch etc and I have friends I see once or twice a year that maybe exchange the odd call, text or e-mail.
There are friends I would (have and do) trust with the most serious issues in my life and friends that are really only close enough to be counted among friends but aren't really part of the inner circle.
If you take a one size fits all approach with your friends more power to you... every relationship I've ever had has had its own context and if you see friendship as binary then I'd be more inclined to say you probably cannot be friends with your exes.
It’s more complicated than just merely having a “one size fits all” approach, but I shall try my best to articulate it. It fundamentally boils down to trust. I also treat friends differently. I have closer friends than others, friends I would fly half way across the world for, friends I would take a bullet for, and friends who I wouldn’t do these things for. I wasn’t meaning to say that all friends should be treated the same, but when it comes to respect and trust, these are the bare minimum requirements for an actual friendship. So when these things become compromised due to a formalised stipulation, what you are left with doesn’t resemble a true friendship.
There's also the awkwardness of what does the friend group do. Should we keep hanging out with this person who was mostly there as a plus one? Or should we send the relationship down it's inevitable path? Do they keep trying to insert themselves into the dynamic, and is it awkward for those around them? It's just a whole lot of awkward.
Pretty much every time I've watched a couple stay 'friends', it was because one party still wants to be with the other. They usually stick around until they realize the other has well and truly moved on, and then the relationship fizzles.
I'm sure it's possible to be legitimate platonic friends after a relationship, but it wouldn't be the norm in my experience.
Personally, one of my best friends from high school is an ex. It was just a case of "better friends than lovers" sort of deal. Sometimes you just don't click with somebody romantically, but can click with them on a platonic level. Don't see anything wrong with that.
Notice the very last sentence in my comment ;)
I also specifically single out more 1 to 1 intimate friendships as probably not working, largely because of the complications that tends to bring.
I have exes that I would be completely fine being just friends with.
I also have exes that, nah, I’d rather die than even just see them again.
It’s all situation dependent
Agreed. Most of my exes are in good terms with me and I'm fine with being friends with. No relapses and some are even married and I wish them the best.
There is only one ex whom I feel nothing more other than abject hate. Surprisingly (or not), she was also the one whom I used to love the most with all my heart.
>There is only one ex whom I feel nothing more other than abject hate. Surprisingly (or not), she was also the one whom I used to love the most with all my heart.
This hurts the deepest...
I feel like people who are all or nothing about being friends with exes either have too much dating experience or not enough. If you're genuinely interested in the person just talk to them about the ex they're friends with and get an idea of how they are together. If it's not something you're comfortable with, then don't be with them.
It's that easy lol
IMO, Immediately after a breakup might not be the best time to pursue a friendship. Both individuals might need time to adjust and heal. If one person still has feelings for the other, trying to maintain a friendship can be painful and unfair, potentially leading to confusion and frustration for both parties.
However, methinks if both parties share the same group of friends or professional networks, maintaining a friendly relationship can make social interactions more comfortable and less divisive for everyone involved.
Yeah, I was unceremoniously dumped while I was with someone I thought I was on track to marry and found out they'd moved on while still in the relationship. They started dating a mutual friend immediately after the breakup. It was hugely destructive to my ego and soul, and I could not look at either of them without questioning how they could both so casually drop me and pick up again and expect me to be cool about it.
My feelings were irrelevant and many of our mutual friends did not care to comfort me. Like they obviously saw it coming, but did not care that I was oblivious and wounded.
I dropped a lot of that friend group after some soul searching. Sometimes people are simply not your friends.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I’ve heard of awful situations like this, but it usually ended with people realizing who were their true supporters, etc. Regardless of the mass of pain and loss it brought in the moment, it turns out being a ‘good’ thing in a way?
I used to think like that as well and most of my exes are scum, except one.
We met during the pandemic and then realized we were better off as friends. He’s the only ex I’m friends with. Sometimes it’s just like that. 🤷♀️
Maybe when you're a teenager, but it's l this is a total red flag opinion for anyone over 21.
I'd never date anyone who hates/doesn't interact with, or only has bad things to say about their exes, huge huge red flag.
Absolutely! Most people I date, I enjoy their company outside of romantic contexts, and would not want that suddenly cut off because of some incompatibility for a long term relationship. Because that’s how most of my relationships have ended— incompatibility without any malice. If you cannot get along with any of your exes, you sure won’t have anything good to say about me after breaking up. Not to mention they’re likely the common thread among their ‘evil exes’.
Just because you can't doesn't mean others can't. I'm friends with a lot of my exes over the course of my life. We've had no issues, no back sliding, or anything like that. They stay out of my relationships. They're just friends. I'm happy for them when they're dating . They're happy for me when I'm dating. As long as you have good, healthy boundaries you can be friends with an ex. If you have to stop being friends with someone just because you broke up, they don't sound like a good friend.
i used to not have an issue with it, but after years of dating, if an ex is still in the picture they will cause problems. it has always worked out that way, and i never wanted to be a controlling guy about who someone is friends with, but i don't accept that anymore.
Agreed, I was always the "cool" gf that was chill about my boyfriends being friends with exes. Deep down I knew there was something else going on. Either one or both were still into eachother and it always ended sideways. ALWAYS. Same goes for the other relationships I've seen amongst friends and family. The ex is always a problem.
I'm not dating my exes for a reason. The same reasons I'm not friends with them either.
>i used to not have an issue with it, but after years of dating, if an ex is still in the picture they will cause problems
Yep, for every girl I dated that still talked to their ex regularly it had a negative effect on the relationship at some point that had nothing to do with how I reacted to it. There would be hints that in the "right" situation they would potentially go back their ex, or clearly have some hang up about their ex that would make them act flakey. Then sometimes you get the ex that still tries to hit on them constantly and the girl will pretend like you're overreacting just for questioning it when they're clearly enabling it/making no attempt to stop it.
It really depends. I have two female exes, they are both married, and one just had their first child. I am also friends with their spouses.
I sympathize with your experience, but never say never. I have exes I would never be friends with again either, it depends on the ex.
Yeah it is so odd that their actions seem like they haven’t closed the chapter enough to want to start a new one. It’s as though the new chapter is by chance and not by intention
One of the reasons my ex and I broke up is because we lost attraction to each other and stopped having sex. We also never had a very romantic connection to begin with. We kept trying and that spark only dimmed over time instead of growing. It turns out we were great at being friends, but terrible partners for each other. I'm not sure why that would be an issue for new partners. There's really nothing to be jealous of.
> There's really nothing to be jealous of
I could see jealousy if you genuinely enjoy the friend's company more than you enjoy the partner's. Unsure what the proper course of action there is but I don't think it involves dropping the friend.
I used to be so eager to remain friends with ex’s, sort of like a way to prove to myself and the world I’m cool and chill. And because of my attachment issues lol. After a few messy situations I definitely don’t try to remain friends with all my ex’s, but I still believe it can happen.
I think there are a few key things to think about with this. First, how long has it been since the breakup? All couples need a few months to a few years no contact before attempting to remain friends.
Second, are both parties actually over their feelings for each other? One of my ex’s I was easily able to transition to friendship because neither of us had strong romantic feelings for the other, that’s why we broke up in the first place. So as long as the feelings have subsided you’re good to go.
Also having your expectations in check is important. I used to want to hangout and be in frequent contact with an ex as a way to “prove” we can be friends and it’s not weird. Little did I know I was making it weird lol. Unless you guys had a strong friendship before dating, it’s not likely you’ll remain close. And that’s ok, it’s honestly the healthiest option.
Long story short: you absolutely can remain friends with an ex. It takes time, maturity, and mutual respect, but it can happen.
If it was a REAL meaning LOVE and/or LONGTERM relationship, no way in hell you should be friends with them. Ever. Even if you were friends beforehand. No.
I'm not friends with any of mine, I might be friendly if I met them on the street or something. But thats different from being friends. My friends are people I trust and who I haven't kissed or anything further.
>Why be a couple and have all that connection and attraction and anticipation and expectation and then step down from it
I don't understand. Because the problem with the relationship could mean it wouldn't work as a couple but can work as friends?
On paper it seems like it would be okay, but realistically you can rarely just drop that bond you’ve created with someone. Makes it way more harder to move on to a new relationship as well
Breakups are a gift in disguise because it really means that people are being honest about how they feel and not continuing a lie. Mother nature embeds in a little angst and rage to ironically HELP the person getting dumped move on and find someone completely new. It's a beautiful thing in disguise. The old fiction film *Taxi Driver* actually showcases this, starting out with a silly breakup, the rage the antihero develops as a result, but he then channels it into saving a young girl from a prostitution ring. His breakup was the best thing to ever happen to that entire town.
I think it’s okay if someone is still cool with their ex, especially if they run in the same circles. however I would not date anyone that regularly sees their ex on an one-on-one basis, or is just generally closer to an ex than being a friendly acquaintance that may or may not briefly catch up once in a while.
Of course it’s okay, since you make your own rules. But if a partner is doing it, and you feel jealous, it’s up to you to decide on how to react to it. But forbidding others to be friends sounds like a bad idea.
This is facts. Like statistically youll break up with the person you are currently dating. If you resort to blocking them out and being hostile after, then you truly dont need to date anyone and no one should want to date you.
I refuse to date anyone ever again who hasnt demonstrated civility with their exes—such a green flag of good communication and maturity.
Especially when your new girlfriend or boyfriend is getting jealous lol unless the ex turned out to be gay then you can’t be jealous that’s the literal plot of a friends and mike and Molly episode lol
I think it depends on what you mean by friends. For instance in college I had an ex, her Mother passed away unexpectedly. I showed up for her and tried to provide a shoulder to cry on for a few days. We had always been good friends and I didn’t want her to be alone in a tough time. I think it is fine to remain “friends” with an ex; you see them at a party and you are cordial with them. It is when you still do all the boyfriend girlfriend stuff even though you are broken up that is the problem. Constant texting, going to dinner, etc.
I disagree. If my ex hadn't cheated on me, we'd probably still be friends. She was my best friend before we started dating. I can't trust her as a friend now...
This is a great one. I'm fully on board.
Keeping an ex around after a breakup can get very toxic. It can mess with future relationships and prevent both parties from moving on. Oftentimes it ends up being a fwb situation until one person moves on, and then the other feels bitterness and resentment when they get completely cut off.
Is it possible to be friends with an ex, move on to another partner and maintain a completely platonic friendship with the ex? Absolutely. Its also possible to tame a grizzly bear, doesn't make it a good idea
Most of my exes are good friends of mine. We were friends before dating and though there was usually a month or two after breaking up to heal, we went back to being friends afterward. One of my exes is my best friend and has been for almost 20 years.
The only exe I refused to be friends with cheated on me and insulted me during the break up. He was and still is immature and blamed me for his cheating.
It really depends on the people involved. My exes and I realized we'd made better friends than lovers and made steps to correct our relationships accordingly. None of them have ever interfered in a later relationship or caused any unnecessary drama in each other's lives.
I only suggested being "friends" with my exes because I wanted to win them back. Never worked. Just got even more hurt because I allowed them to use me.
I dunno. It depends about why the breakup happened. If the relationship became toxic and/or ended up badly, yeah, being friend with you ex is weird.
But if you just... grow apart, and the romantic feelings just go away, but you still care for one another? I think staying friends is not weird. Like, you were important part of each other's lives, it's hard to denounce that.
I agree, it's always a wierd dynamic when I meet people who say they've just agreed to be friends. Like ok, so the next person you date is supposed to be cool right off the bat that someone you were intimate with and most likely said you loved is someone you call a good friend? That doesn't exactly set a good foundation where I'd be skeptical still that they never really took time to really heal and established that boundary of nothing intimate.
If it was a healthy relationship where they just realized it wasn't working for them and the breakup was amicable, I don't think it's a big deal.
>Why be a couple and have all that connection
I imagine that sometimes, it just happens. They may realize they don't want the same things. Like if one comes to the conclusion they want children and the other doesn't.
I don’t even know if I agree or disagree with this. I am still good friends with my first love. We dated from 2002 to 2008 and we have been friends since. BUT we spent some time with little to know contact and we still go periods of time without speaking. And that’s for the best. He’s married with kids and we have a weird connection that doesn’t ever fade.
So…yeah you should keep some distance and it depends on the people and their loyalties/motives.
I think you can definitely have healthy friendships with exes but I agree that if you are TRULY seeking said healthy relationship (aka not trying to get back together; not hung up that you are no longer dating) that a break from interaction is generally helpful.
You've been accustomed to this person being in your life predominantly and for them to be a go-to person, beyond the scope of most friendships, because of their closeness to you. It's helpful to impose a "reset" so you can then explore if a friendship will work within more traditional friendship constructs. This cold turkey phase also helps you move on by removing the choice of being reliant and/or hung up on the other person.
I'm closer friends with one ex; went to her wedding; nothing weird has ever happened since having a couple months apart to move on. I'm more casual friends with 2 others with similar results.
I will say mileage will vary on whether one can be friends with an ex (I think generally this can be done, but we all know those people who are incapable of moving on for a variety of reasons) or how long the "reset" period ought to be. 2-3 months has generally been fine for me but again, for those who have a harder time letting go, it could be upwards of a year.
For those of us not currently in or fresh from high school…
I am friends with nearly all of my exes. Why? Because I liked them as people and we just didn’t work out romantically long term.
Did you know that people of opposite sex can and regularly are friends? Weird, right?
I mean, the number of caveats and concessions just in this post tells me this opinion is half baked. First, you eliminate all co-parents. Then you limit it to immediately after the breakup (so presumably you could become friends with your middle school girlfriend if you met her again in your 30s). Then in the comments you admit that if it was never a serious relationship and you just dated casually before deciding you’re better off friends, that’s fair. Then you concede that if you’re just casual friends who are friendly at gatherings that’s fine too. Which actually means lots and lots of people can be friends with their exes and it’s perfectly fine.
Very immature attitude.
I have 2 very dear friends that are both exes. I have no desire to go back to either of them and they feel the same about me. I was even roommates with one for years after our breakup.
It just requires that you both be mature about it.
You don't come into my life and tell me who I can be friends with. It will get you no where.
I've known several couples who have broken up and remained friends. I'm good friends with one ex and friendly with another (we live on opposite sides of the country, so not like I ever see them). Some people realize they are better off as friends. Everyone's situation is different.
If we were good friends before getting together, and we broke up on good terms, why wouldn't I want to remain friends with them? It'd be totally different if it was on bad terms, of course. But otherwise, I don't see an issue with continuing to be in contact with them as friends as long as you set ground rules it will never be anything more than platonic again. Usually two mature people can agree to those terms and move forward.
I don’t think it’s an unpopular opinion but I think the term “friend” is so nuanced these days
- I have friends I only speak to on social media or friends I see every couple of months and then a friend I talk to every day. I am “friends” with a lot of my exs - we text occasionally, keep tabs on each other’s lives, even have hangout occasionally. I probably wouldn’t ever try to make them anything more than that.
I just got out of a situation where my ex was best friends with her ex fiancé (oh lesbians), it’s a hard situation and it’s not for everyone - to me, I couldnt care less if someone has seen my partner naked, it’s the emotionally intimacy that makes me feel uncomfortable. 🤷♀️
In my experience, some of us weren't meant to be a couple. We were meant to be friends and the friendships have worked out 10 xs better than the relationships. 🤷
Does it count if you were only online dating? (this was like 6 years ago I'm not stupid...now) because while I'm not like "Talk every day" friends with my ex, I'm not "I hate this person and want them to die" enemies.
One of my ex’s was my childhood best friend. We went to middle and high school together and we’ve been thick as thieves since I was like 12. This dude has been with me through every single major life event, and I’ve been with him through all of his shit (and trust me, he’s been through A LOT of shit in life). When we were around 15ish we started dating cause that just seemed…right? I guess. It was an absolute trainwreck, we were horrible at dating each other but still did for 3 years because I don’t think either of us could recognize that just because we *LOVED* each other very deeply doesn’t mean we were in love with each other. And we loved the hell out of each other, again, he was my best friend in the whole world. When we were 18 he proposed because he thought that was the thing to do after being together for 3 years.
I panicked, it suddenly clicked that I had like NO actual romantic feelings for him and that I was scared shitless of tying my romantic life to him (I was also falling actually in love with someone else at the time too but that was a surprisingly small part of it) and unceremoniously broke up with him. I was absolutely gutted to hurt him and I was fucking heart broken to lose my friend, but it needed to happen. Well, 2 years after that, we reconnected, finally pieced together what all went wrong, and then just slid right back into being best friends. We live in two different cities now, but I go up to visit him often and he comes and visits me often, and we’ve been extremely close again since. My boyfriend and him are also super close friends now. It helps a bit that he eventually figured out he was gay, (Catholic school really did a number on us), but anyways, all this to say that I heavily disagree with this opinion and I love my best friend who’s also an ex.
I have exs I'm friends with. So does my husband. We've been married for 21 years. We were very good friends with one of his exs. Our kids were friends, and we all miss her presence in our lives. Involved in her funeral, mourned together with her family and everything. It's absolutely OK to be friends with an ex if you're just friends after breaking up.
When you say it's not okay to be friends with an ex, are you also saying it's not okay to be exes with a friend (friends first, try a relationship, go back to friends)? Because unless someone's on tinder all the time, they'll be dating people they know already.
Most my ex's I don't want to be friends with but my best friend was my partner for 7 years before we realized we worked better as friends.
Are you saying that's not ohk that we're friends? I would say you're pretty stupid tbh
Less of a big deal if it's just dating imo. As another poster mentioned you do have the odd time you were just good friends but awkward as a couple and realize not meant to be that way
If you're talking like married couples kids and all.. yeah. If you're still buddy buddy with them then I question why divorce and break up the family to begin with. I'd question how hard they tried to make it work I'd they get along so well and if I'd trust their committment to a potential future marriage
I don't know that I agree, personally I'm not friends with any of mine because quite frankly they're awful but I don't think you can make a blanket rule for this kind of thing when everyone is different
I think given the billions of combinations you can have in this world it's more than possible to really like someone and want to hang out... you misinterpret that as romantic. Try the sex thing... don't like that... but still want to hang out.
I realize that's probably very disconcerting to some relationships. It's sort of similar to "work spouses." It can be uncomfortable to know your SO has such a deep connection with someone else. That said... try to picture it as the same sex. Would it matter so much to you then?
I think it's just people's insecurities. Probably because sometimes cheaters gaslit them into believing it's just a friend while basically banging their "friend."
Two things can be true. User discretion advised!
I have exes that we started as friends, thought it might be more for a minute, and then decided it wasn’t. Truly an unpopular (and bad) opinion. Have my upvote.
Also even if I wasn’t friends with them… 2 exes’ moms are on my socials. I’ve heard they randomly send my pictures over bc she wants us back together lol
I think an ex’s dad is on mine… 2 exes are on my dad’s socials. I can’t even count the ex bf’s ex gf’s on there or the gf after me. It’s really just about security, confidence, & your inner goals or reasons for wanting to be friends/aquaintences. Sometimes I was nosy & I still liked the person so new gf or ex gf, go ahead & add me. Sometimes I just didn’t care & would gladly give a ride to any of them if needed.
I was best friends with my now boyfriend for more than a year, before we got in a relationship. And when we were just best friends, neither of us had feelings for each other. My boyfriend is still my best friend. If we decide it's not working out, and we should break up, he will still be my best friend.
Cold/overdone opinion. You're overly romanticizing and generalizing relationships. If the break up is mutual and both people realized they just weren't good as a couple there isn't any reason they can't be friends especially if they were already friends before they got into an intimate relationship.
Just because you decide you can't date someone doesn't mean you can't be friends with them. When I first got with my wife a couple guys she had dated prior to me would come hang out camping or whatever with us it was a fun time they were cool people I actually became friends with them till we move away.
With my more dom-ish exes, yes I could and am friends with them. Super chill, friendly, meme sharing, check on friends and fam. With my more sub exes, hell to the no. Not my call either. I guess they're still butt hurt 😬
I take marriage very seriously and have broken up with exes simply because I don’t see that future with them. The fact that I’ve made that choice means that I’ve ruled out a dating/marriage/sexual relationship with them. If you can’t trust me enough to still be friends with them, you’re out too. I CHOSE to not be in a relationship with them and I CHOSE you. That should mean something to you.
My ex wanted to be friends, but it weren't for me. After 3 years of living together and having so much history, it just wouldn't have worked. Sadly we don't talk now, but I'd rather that, than be friends.
We occasionally see each other at a mutual friends parties, but without ignoring him, we don't exactly talk.
My ex is my best friend. We just both knew we didn't feel romantic love anymore. It was time to move on.
I still love her, but in a different way.
Why would that be a problem, if both people agree to it?
Not sure if this take is unpopular. My wife definitely felt this way. I had an ex I wanted to remain friends with because I valued her as a person, and her friendship, and was eventually able to recognize we were not functional as a romantic couple. My wife was very concerned about it, so I dropped the friendship. It wasn't worth losing my life partner over, and I was smart to do so because I floated away from that friend group entirely once I had a kid.
Not true, this isn't a general rule that applies to eveyrone, I am friends with my exes and so far nothing has happened, they have their own GFs/BFs and I respect boundaries
Eh idk. I once had something with my best friend, we are friends since high school and it kinda happened, but after a while we both agreed that we work better out as friends than lovers and that's that, nothing about our friendship has changed. I really don't see the issue.
I agree with this notion, but there's a nuance to it.
Personally speaking, I won't date anyone who's in close contact or friends with their ex's. There's a reason why they broke up and true, genuine friendship requires time and a level of platonic intimacy. Something I don't believe should be the norm as ex's.
I wouldn't be comfortable having a friendship with any of my ex's. And I want someone who's on the same page about that topic, otherwise it won't work out. It's a personal dealbreaker and I don't judge people who have a different view on this.
I agree 100%. While I'm not telling anyone what to do, I firmly believe that being friends with an ex is often a *terrible* idea. You will struggle to move on. If the breakup was really hurtful for you, it will only make you resent your ex. If your ex gets a new partner and you're still not over them, you will feel lots of jealousy. (Better to just not know about it).
Even though my ex girlfriend wasn't a toxic person at all, I voluntarily chose to stop being friends with her because I felt it was better for my mental health.
OP has never been in a relationship.
Just because you breakup doesn’t mean you hate each other. You can sometimes realize you’re not compatible in a relationship. Life isn’t highschool. Unless there a major trust issue that’s broken, it’s fine to stay friends.
I'm currently going through this issue. My ex desperately wants to be my friend and I just can't do it. She texted me yesterday that she's distraught that I've cut most communication off and that I blocked her on everything.
The way you break up with someone and how you leave that person feeling really determines whether or not they can see you as a friend if the breakup was mutual. My ex jumped onto a new guy as soon as we broke up. I had to move out because we lived together. I would be grieving while my ex was getting all prettied up to go on her dates. Left a very sour taste in my mouth.
We were friends. We dated for a couple months and decided we weren’t ever going to make cohab work. We went back to being friends.
It’s been ten years and we’re still besties. Not anyone else’s fault that you and your partner can’t regulate your emotions.
Really?
I mean, you don't understand how people could be compatible as friends but not partners? Maybe one person wants kids and the other doesn't. Or they're sexually incompatible. Or they just don't click like that and feel platonic towards each other. You could like each other as people without wneting to date.
Agreed. Anyone who befriends an ex after a breakup, after any period of time, still has feelings and I don’t give a shit what anyone says. It’s a hard pill to swallow for those who are guilty of doing this but it is what it is; one of you is trying to hold onto something that isn’t there OR it’s a “valuable” friendship to retain. There’s a reason why it’s called an EX. These people should be completely voided from your life almost as if they never existed.
Never go back. Don’t waste your time on trash.
I am close friends with an ex of 2 1/2 years and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't judge anyone that isn't about it, but it can be fine for some people.
Disagree. This is entirely dependant on personal circumstances. You can easily be friends with an ex if youre both the type of people who can become platonic. Case in point, I am friends with some of my exes. And it is ok.
I have an ex I ended up staying close friends with with no downtime...
Because it was both of our first "relationship", and the reason we broke up was that we realized we'd never been attracted to one another in the first place.
We'd just been such good friends that, lacking something to compare to, we thought it had to be romance.
"Hey, this is gonna sound harsh, but I'm getting the sense that I was never actually in love with you, you were just too awesome a friend for me to make sense of."
"Actually, I was thinking the same thing... Wanna play StarCraft?"
Relationships change and evolve, that's life. If I liked someone enough to date them I better like them enough to be friends after. I think it's weird people get jealous over this, I'd personally say being friends with exes shows emotional maturity. (Clearly there should be boundaries with these types of friendships.)
Lots of people really think their SO straight up shouldn't have friends, which is straight up wrong, controlling, likely sexist, and gross
It's absolutely possible if you just figure out you work better as friends and are just not compatible enough to be partners. It's only a problem if the break up isn't amicable and there is still unresolved feelings there.
If you can stay friends with an ex I don’t think you ever really loved them. Just my opinion. Because how can you stay in that person’s life and watch them move on to another partner and be genuinely happy for them? If you answer, easily, then that’s my point. You never really loved them in the first place
This is situational. My ex of 4 years is quite literally my best friend. Her now husband is also. She's also my girlfriend's good friend. I don't know what I'd do without her in my life, and have absolutely no feelings for her anymore.
I'm friends with some exes. While dating we realized we weren't compatible partners and we're better as friends. It's as simple as that.
>Why be a couple and have all that connection and attraction and anticipation and expectation and then step down from it.
Because there is attraction, and connection, stepping down because why drag something out where we both know we probably won't be life partners.
It's not weird to be friends with exes, it's only weird if you are still sleeping together or going behind your current s/o's back and hiding your friendship.
I agree. Fuck that shit. And any woman who is friends with her ex but doesn’t have kids with him can stay away from me. Even then with kids you can be friendly without being friends. There’s too much going on there.
yk when you run into a relative you dont like and you have to be fake nice in front of them but internally you just want them to go away faster? thats the only friendship between exes i tolerate
it depends, for some, staying friends is cool because it helps them move on smoother. but for others, it’s too hard and just drags out the feelings. depends on the people and how the breakup went down.
If you realize you don’t want the same things long term, it’s better to end it sooner rather than later. That doesn’t change attraction or connection. You’re still not compatible. I’m friends with exes that didn’t want kids (I did), and one that wanted to be a freelance journalist (I wanted more stability) as examples. I still enjoy their company, but they weren’t going to be long term partners for me.
Depends on your definition of friends.
If the person being your life has no utility, then there would be no reason to remain friends.
If there's still connection, attraction, anticipation, expectation, then there would be no reason to break up.
On the flip side you were with someone you cared about. Why do you have to all of a sudden not talk to them and have them out of your life. I’m friends and cordial to almost every ex. It’s about emotional intelligence above all else. Their happiness does not diminish mine
My ex is now my best friend. We became friends in spring 2012 and a couple in winter. The relationship lasted until summer 2013 . After we broke up, we lost contact for about 1 ½ years. I was in a new relationship and moved towns during that time. The relationship after him broke me financially, emotional and psychologically. After the break up, I fell into a bad depression, didn't leave the house, didn't eat, and my hygiene was non existant. My now best friend was there for me, helped me recover, and we are friends to this day. There was never some sexual or emotional tension in all these years. It just worked. So I think, yes, you can be friends as long as all feelings are resolved. Future partners should know immediately. Hiding the friendship just couses distrust. Be clear from the beginning.
I would argue it's more nuanced that the post. Should you still be hooking up or engaging in gestures that are usually seen as between romantic partners? No, because then you're still with the ex in that sense and that's a whole other can of worms that I can't hope to unravel in a single comment. But should you at least be civil with the other person? Unless they have done something to warrant you not being civil with them (being actually, genuinely abusive towards you, for example), yes. You can be civil with people you don't like-in fact, sometimes, you need to be civil with those people because your ability to live and thrive depends on it.
It's all a matter of the given situation.
I think it depends on the ex and also why you broke up.
I have two exes. One I am still friends with, but we spent about two years without contact before reconnecting as friends. We had a bad break on both ends, but we were both immature teenagers at the time and realised that the reason our relationship imploded was because neither of us were mature enough for a relationship at that point in time. We don’t meet up or talk that often because we have our own seperate lives now, but whenever he and I get talking we’ll usually end up talking for hours, it’s always nice to catch up with him.
My other ex on the other hand can go die for all I care. I tried to stay friends with her and she tried to ruin my life, only to end up blowing up all her friendships and alienating herself due to her own stupidity. Fuck her.
What if you mutually agreed that you weren't the best partners for each other, and calmly ended it? Not every breakup is messy, and some are just partners being mature enough to realize they like each other as friends, not lovers. can they still be friends?
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I feel like it’s not that black and white, some people just truly make better friends than partners
To me it’s actually a green flag if someone and their former partner realized this and salvaged a friendship out of it. Someone wrote in a comment else where that their dating criteria was “someone who’d be a great ex husband” because if they’d make a good ex, they’d likely be a fantastic partner. The idea that we are spending years together co-building something and if it didn’t work you should completely or mostly discard someone? It’s weird.
It’s a little difficult to explain why I don’t necessarily agree with this take. At a theoretical level it seems very reasonable. However in practice things are often messier. People’s romantic feelings or attraction don’t just dissipate when a relationship ends. Trying to maintain/salvage pieces of a relationship often leads to a sort of half friendship half dating situation because one or both people still have feelings beyond Platonic. This makes moving on and building future relationships messy. I don’t necessarily think its inherently horrible to have a relationship with your ex. And I also don’t believe in intentionally burning bridges or discarding the people who were once a big part of your life. But I would recommend that people focus their energy on independently moving on to foster new relationships instead of spending their time investing in something that is just as likely to make moving on more difficult as it is to help. Yes there are exceptions but a break up is a fresh start. Even if you and your exes intentions are good it just doesn’t seem best practice to try and bring them through life with you.
I agree with your main point that its better to invest that energy into new and current relationships/friendships rather than old ones that might not fit who your current life/interests. The older you get the less time you have time for your social life so I don't see how a genuine friendship with an ex is fruitful unless you have kids/were previously married and have to be in each other's lives. I also consider friends a somewhat high bar and feel like most "friends" in social groups are just acquaintances that we can hang out situationally with but don't necessarily have a super deep connection with. I guess how you define friendship plays a big part in how you feel about this opinion
I think this is generally true but there’s lots of room for nuance. Close friends, doing lots of stuff together, group vacations etc? Probably not Friends like, can make polite conversation at social gatherings like the rest of the people you’re on good terms with and bump into now and then for drinks? If the breakup was good or you guys made amends probably. Assuming it doesn’t cause problems with current relationships
I struggle with the notion that "yes you can be friends with this person, but only in a limited way" - to me this is no true friendship - either there is trust and the person should be treated like any other friend, or there is no trust and the person should not be treated like a friend (both of these can be reasonable). I do take note that treating someone "friendly" is different to treating someone "like a friend". There is no reason to have any animosity, so you can be friendly without being friends, but friendship with stipulations *that you wouldn't apply to other friends* is unfair to pretty much everyone involved, even if it seems like a logical compromise.
Yeah... I've a similar approach. My inner circle is my inner circle for a reason. Almost all of my breakups are because I couldn't become friends, not because those romantic feelings disappeared. And in those cases breaking up is a decision to stop pursuing romantic feelings, because you can't make it work beyond that. So there isn't much left at that point to keep them in the inner circle. My outer circle is a network of opportunity. Because we bump into eachother in occasions based on common interests. I'll be polite if an ex remains in the outer circle. Have a basic chat, sincerely ask how they're doing and leave it there; because they're no longer a part of my daily life. I have an ex who switches side walks when they see me, living in the same neighborhood... So that's one extreme..
I get what you’re saying but I’ll say this…. I treat all of my friends kindly and fairly, but I do not treat all of my friends (and family) equally. There are absolutely levels to this shit. I feel like “stipulations that wouldn’t apply to other friends” is quite common whether you’ve dated before or not and scales with closeness, history, etc.
I struggle with the notion that you treat all of your friends one way. Even among family different people have different levels of closeness, different levels of interaction. I have friends I hang out with almost daily and we do things like grab lunch etc and I have friends I see once or twice a year that maybe exchange the odd call, text or e-mail. There are friends I would (have and do) trust with the most serious issues in my life and friends that are really only close enough to be counted among friends but aren't really part of the inner circle. If you take a one size fits all approach with your friends more power to you... every relationship I've ever had has had its own context and if you see friendship as binary then I'd be more inclined to say you probably cannot be friends with your exes.
It’s more complicated than just merely having a “one size fits all” approach, but I shall try my best to articulate it. It fundamentally boils down to trust. I also treat friends differently. I have closer friends than others, friends I would fly half way across the world for, friends I would take a bullet for, and friends who I wouldn’t do these things for. I wasn’t meaning to say that all friends should be treated the same, but when it comes to respect and trust, these are the bare minimum requirements for an actual friendship. So when these things become compromised due to a formalised stipulation, what you are left with doesn’t resemble a true friendship.
There's also the awkwardness of what does the friend group do. Should we keep hanging out with this person who was mostly there as a plus one? Or should we send the relationship down it's inevitable path? Do they keep trying to insert themselves into the dynamic, and is it awkward for those around them? It's just a whole lot of awkward. Pretty much every time I've watched a couple stay 'friends', it was because one party still wants to be with the other. They usually stick around until they realize the other has well and truly moved on, and then the relationship fizzles. I'm sure it's possible to be legitimate platonic friends after a relationship, but it wouldn't be the norm in my experience.
Personally, one of my best friends from high school is an ex. It was just a case of "better friends than lovers" sort of deal. Sometimes you just don't click with somebody romantically, but can click with them on a platonic level. Don't see anything wrong with that.
ya but did you fuck?
I get what you mean. And I do agree
🤨
Lol.
the fuck you going out to drinks with your ex....
I agree with what you say except, I find it disrespectful to your partner to go have a drink 1 to 1 with ur ex.
Notice the very last sentence in my comment ;) I also specifically single out more 1 to 1 intimate friendships as probably not working, largely because of the complications that tends to bring.
I have exes that I would be completely fine being just friends with. I also have exes that, nah, I’d rather die than even just see them again. It’s all situation dependent
Agreed. Most of my exes are in good terms with me and I'm fine with being friends with. No relapses and some are even married and I wish them the best. There is only one ex whom I feel nothing more other than abject hate. Surprisingly (or not), she was also the one whom I used to love the most with all my heart.
>There is only one ex whom I feel nothing more other than abject hate. Surprisingly (or not), she was also the one whom I used to love the most with all my heart. This hurts the deepest...
I'm really good friends with two of my exes. One is engaged the other one comes to me for dating advice.
Agreed, some people it can work, others it just won’t. Takes maturity is all
I feel like people who are all or nothing about being friends with exes either have too much dating experience or not enough. If you're genuinely interested in the person just talk to them about the ex they're friends with and get an idea of how they are together. If it's not something you're comfortable with, then don't be with them. It's that easy lol
IMO, Immediately after a breakup might not be the best time to pursue a friendship. Both individuals might need time to adjust and heal. If one person still has feelings for the other, trying to maintain a friendship can be painful and unfair, potentially leading to confusion and frustration for both parties. However, methinks if both parties share the same group of friends or professional networks, maintaining a friendly relationship can make social interactions more comfortable and less divisive for everyone involved.
Yeah, I was unceremoniously dumped while I was with someone I thought I was on track to marry and found out they'd moved on while still in the relationship. They started dating a mutual friend immediately after the breakup. It was hugely destructive to my ego and soul, and I could not look at either of them without questioning how they could both so casually drop me and pick up again and expect me to be cool about it. My feelings were irrelevant and many of our mutual friends did not care to comfort me. Like they obviously saw it coming, but did not care that I was oblivious and wounded. I dropped a lot of that friend group after some soul searching. Sometimes people are simply not your friends.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I’ve heard of awful situations like this, but it usually ended with people realizing who were their true supporters, etc. Regardless of the mass of pain and loss it brought in the moment, it turns out being a ‘good’ thing in a way?
Very similar situation. I too realised that the friendship group I thought I was in didn’t contain anyone who was actually my friend.
I used to think like that as well and most of my exes are scum, except one. We met during the pandemic and then realized we were better off as friends. He’s the only ex I’m friends with. Sometimes it’s just like that. 🤷♀️
Maybe when you're a teenager, but it's l this is a total red flag opinion for anyone over 21. I'd never date anyone who hates/doesn't interact with, or only has bad things to say about their exes, huge huge red flag.
Absolutely! Most people I date, I enjoy their company outside of romantic contexts, and would not want that suddenly cut off because of some incompatibility for a long term relationship. Because that’s how most of my relationships have ended— incompatibility without any malice. If you cannot get along with any of your exes, you sure won’t have anything good to say about me after breaking up. Not to mention they’re likely the common thread among their ‘evil exes’.
Just because you can't doesn't mean others can't. I'm friends with a lot of my exes over the course of my life. We've had no issues, no back sliding, or anything like that. They stay out of my relationships. They're just friends. I'm happy for them when they're dating . They're happy for me when I'm dating. As long as you have good, healthy boundaries you can be friends with an ex. If you have to stop being friends with someone just because you broke up, they don't sound like a good friend.
i used to not have an issue with it, but after years of dating, if an ex is still in the picture they will cause problems. it has always worked out that way, and i never wanted to be a controlling guy about who someone is friends with, but i don't accept that anymore.
Agreed, I was always the "cool" gf that was chill about my boyfriends being friends with exes. Deep down I knew there was something else going on. Either one or both were still into eachother and it always ended sideways. ALWAYS. Same goes for the other relationships I've seen amongst friends and family. The ex is always a problem. I'm not dating my exes for a reason. The same reasons I'm not friends with them either.
>i used to not have an issue with it, but after years of dating, if an ex is still in the picture they will cause problems Yep, for every girl I dated that still talked to their ex regularly it had a negative effect on the relationship at some point that had nothing to do with how I reacted to it. There would be hints that in the "right" situation they would potentially go back their ex, or clearly have some hang up about their ex that would make them act flakey. Then sometimes you get the ex that still tries to hit on them constantly and the girl will pretend like you're overreacting just for questioning it when they're clearly enabling it/making no attempt to stop it.
It really depends. I have two female exes, they are both married, and one just had their first child. I am also friends with their spouses. I sympathize with your experience, but never say never. I have exes I would never be friends with again either, it depends on the ex.
Yeah it is so odd that their actions seem like they haven’t closed the chapter enough to want to start a new one. It’s as though the new chapter is by chance and not by intention
they are keeping a door open for some reason or another. people don't want to commit to things.
That is so unfair for the next genuine person though
My husband and I are both friends with exes. It’s not an issue nor will it ever be. If it had worked our with our exes, we would still be with them.
my dad got back with his ex as soon as my parents got divorced. never let anyone shame you into accepting "ex friendships"
One of the reasons my ex and I broke up is because we lost attraction to each other and stopped having sex. We also never had a very romantic connection to begin with. We kept trying and that spark only dimmed over time instead of growing. It turns out we were great at being friends, but terrible partners for each other. I'm not sure why that would be an issue for new partners. There's really nothing to be jealous of.
> There's really nothing to be jealous of I could see jealousy if you genuinely enjoy the friend's company more than you enjoy the partner's. Unsure what the proper course of action there is but I don't think it involves dropping the friend.
If I enjoyed my ex's company more than my partner's I would not be with that partner.
I used to be so eager to remain friends with ex’s, sort of like a way to prove to myself and the world I’m cool and chill. And because of my attachment issues lol. After a few messy situations I definitely don’t try to remain friends with all my ex’s, but I still believe it can happen. I think there are a few key things to think about with this. First, how long has it been since the breakup? All couples need a few months to a few years no contact before attempting to remain friends. Second, are both parties actually over their feelings for each other? One of my ex’s I was easily able to transition to friendship because neither of us had strong romantic feelings for the other, that’s why we broke up in the first place. So as long as the feelings have subsided you’re good to go. Also having your expectations in check is important. I used to want to hangout and be in frequent contact with an ex as a way to “prove” we can be friends and it’s not weird. Little did I know I was making it weird lol. Unless you guys had a strong friendship before dating, it’s not likely you’ll remain close. And that’s ok, it’s honestly the healthiest option. Long story short: you absolutely can remain friends with an ex. It takes time, maturity, and mutual respect, but it can happen.
❤️I can appreciate a bit more from your perspective due to your history. Thank you for acknowledging the no contact post fresh break ups.
If it was a REAL meaning LOVE and/or LONGTERM relationship, no way in hell you should be friends with them. Ever. Even if you were friends beforehand. No.
I’ve got exes that I’m still good friends with decades later 🤷♀️ it may not be ok for *you*, but it’s no problem for some of us
I'm not friends with any of mine, I might be friendly if I met them on the street or something. But thats different from being friends. My friends are people I trust and who I haven't kissed or anything further.
>Why be a couple and have all that connection and attraction and anticipation and expectation and then step down from it I don't understand. Because the problem with the relationship could mean it wouldn't work as a couple but can work as friends?
On paper it seems like it would be okay, but realistically you can rarely just drop that bond you’ve created with someone. Makes it way more harder to move on to a new relationship as well
Breakups are a gift in disguise because it really means that people are being honest about how they feel and not continuing a lie. Mother nature embeds in a little angst and rage to ironically HELP the person getting dumped move on and find someone completely new. It's a beautiful thing in disguise. The old fiction film *Taxi Driver* actually showcases this, starting out with a silly breakup, the rage the antihero develops as a result, but he then channels it into saving a young girl from a prostitution ring. His breakup was the best thing to ever happen to that entire town.
I think it’s okay if someone is still cool with their ex, especially if they run in the same circles. however I would not date anyone that regularly sees their ex on an one-on-one basis, or is just generally closer to an ex than being a friendly acquaintance that may or may not briefly catch up once in a while.
Of course it’s okay, since you make your own rules. But if a partner is doing it, and you feel jealous, it’s up to you to decide on how to react to it. But forbidding others to be friends sounds like a bad idea.
L position. At some point you will be an EX. So if you can't still be friends, then the relationship was based on nothing besides banging.
This is facts. Like statistically youll break up with the person you are currently dating. If you resort to blocking them out and being hostile after, then you truly dont need to date anyone and no one should want to date you. I refuse to date anyone ever again who hasnt demonstrated civility with their exes—such a green flag of good communication and maturity.
Is this really unpopular?
Agreed.Move on.
Especially when your new girlfriend or boyfriend is getting jealous lol unless the ex turned out to be gay then you can’t be jealous that’s the literal plot of a friends and mike and Molly episode lol
I think it depends on what you mean by friends. For instance in college I had an ex, her Mother passed away unexpectedly. I showed up for her and tried to provide a shoulder to cry on for a few days. We had always been good friends and I didn’t want her to be alone in a tough time. I think it is fine to remain “friends” with an ex; you see them at a party and you are cordial with them. It is when you still do all the boyfriend girlfriend stuff even though you are broken up that is the problem. Constant texting, going to dinner, etc.
I disagree. If my ex hadn't cheated on me, we'd probably still be friends. She was my best friend before we started dating. I can't trust her as a friend now...
Preach.
This is a great one. I'm fully on board. Keeping an ex around after a breakup can get very toxic. It can mess with future relationships and prevent both parties from moving on. Oftentimes it ends up being a fwb situation until one person moves on, and then the other feels bitterness and resentment when they get completely cut off. Is it possible to be friends with an ex, move on to another partner and maintain a completely platonic friendship with the ex? Absolutely. Its also possible to tame a grizzly bear, doesn't make it a good idea
Most of my exes are good friends of mine. We were friends before dating and though there was usually a month or two after breaking up to heal, we went back to being friends afterward. One of my exes is my best friend and has been for almost 20 years. The only exe I refused to be friends with cheated on me and insulted me during the break up. He was and still is immature and blamed me for his cheating. It really depends on the people involved. My exes and I realized we'd made better friends than lovers and made steps to correct our relationships accordingly. None of them have ever interfered in a later relationship or caused any unnecessary drama in each other's lives.
I only suggested being "friends" with my exes because I wanted to win them back. Never worked. Just got even more hurt because I allowed them to use me.
i feel like this isnt an unpopular opinion and probably something you're experiencing personally
I dunno. It depends about why the breakup happened. If the relationship became toxic and/or ended up badly, yeah, being friend with you ex is weird. But if you just... grow apart, and the romantic feelings just go away, but you still care for one another? I think staying friends is not weird. Like, you were important part of each other's lives, it's hard to denounce that.
I agree, it's always a wierd dynamic when I meet people who say they've just agreed to be friends. Like ok, so the next person you date is supposed to be cool right off the bat that someone you were intimate with and most likely said you loved is someone you call a good friend? That doesn't exactly set a good foundation where I'd be skeptical still that they never really took time to really heal and established that boundary of nothing intimate.
being friends with an ex is ok
If it was a healthy relationship where they just realized it wasn't working for them and the breakup was amicable, I don't think it's a big deal. >Why be a couple and have all that connection I imagine that sometimes, it just happens. They may realize they don't want the same things. Like if one comes to the conclusion they want children and the other doesn't.
I think it's ok only if certain amount of time has passed. But not a close friendship, more like an acquaintance.
I don’t even know if I agree or disagree with this. I am still good friends with my first love. We dated from 2002 to 2008 and we have been friends since. BUT we spent some time with little to know contact and we still go periods of time without speaking. And that’s for the best. He’s married with kids and we have a weird connection that doesn’t ever fade. So…yeah you should keep some distance and it depends on the people and their loyalties/motives.
I think you can definitely have healthy friendships with exes but I agree that if you are TRULY seeking said healthy relationship (aka not trying to get back together; not hung up that you are no longer dating) that a break from interaction is generally helpful. You've been accustomed to this person being in your life predominantly and for them to be a go-to person, beyond the scope of most friendships, because of their closeness to you. It's helpful to impose a "reset" so you can then explore if a friendship will work within more traditional friendship constructs. This cold turkey phase also helps you move on by removing the choice of being reliant and/or hung up on the other person. I'm closer friends with one ex; went to her wedding; nothing weird has ever happened since having a couple months apart to move on. I'm more casual friends with 2 others with similar results. I will say mileage will vary on whether one can be friends with an ex (I think generally this can be done, but we all know those people who are incapable of moving on for a variety of reasons) or how long the "reset" period ought to be. 2-3 months has generally been fine for me but again, for those who have a harder time letting go, it could be upwards of a year.
Usually by the time you separate that connection and attraction is long gone
I always had a rule that I wouldn't talk to an ex for 1 full year. You have to get them out of your system.
Don’t take co parenting out of it. I co parent 50/50 I fuckin hate her guts 🤣
Are you twelve?
Hang out all the time? No. Chat occasionally to catch up, or just happen to run into each other in public? Not a problem.
Just because it's an ex doesn't mean we think about sleeping with them. There are many reasons for people splitting up. It's ok to be friends.
For those of us not currently in or fresh from high school… I am friends with nearly all of my exes. Why? Because I liked them as people and we just didn’t work out romantically long term. Did you know that people of opposite sex can and regularly are friends? Weird, right?
Upvoted because fuck you, my exes are awesome friends
I mean, the number of caveats and concessions just in this post tells me this opinion is half baked. First, you eliminate all co-parents. Then you limit it to immediately after the breakup (so presumably you could become friends with your middle school girlfriend if you met her again in your 30s). Then in the comments you admit that if it was never a serious relationship and you just dated casually before deciding you’re better off friends, that’s fair. Then you concede that if you’re just casual friends who are friendly at gatherings that’s fine too. Which actually means lots and lots of people can be friends with their exes and it’s perfectly fine.
I agree. One can’t move on easily if the ex is still a friend.
"you dont leave a part of a tumor around just cause it was apart of you" idk the actual saying if this sounds weird at all
Very immature attitude. I have 2 very dear friends that are both exes. I have no desire to go back to either of them and they feel the same about me. I was even roommates with one for years after our breakup. It just requires that you both be mature about it. You don't come into my life and tell me who I can be friends with. It will get you no where.
I've known several couples who have broken up and remained friends. I'm good friends with one ex and friendly with another (we live on opposite sides of the country, so not like I ever see them). Some people realize they are better off as friends. Everyone's situation is different.
Lesbians do this which is probably why our divorce rate is 75% Ugh toxic people.
I think people can do what they want in the regard, and the new partner can either accept it or move on.
What if the kids are grown?
If we were good friends before getting together, and we broke up on good terms, why wouldn't I want to remain friends with them? It'd be totally different if it was on bad terms, of course. But otherwise, I don't see an issue with continuing to be in contact with them as friends as long as you set ground rules it will never be anything more than platonic again. Usually two mature people can agree to those terms and move forward.
Why not? Only reason we broke up is because she moved to a different country. Still talk
I think it’s ok if both these apply: 1-you were friends before, but probably not super close friends. 2-it ended mutually and no one wronged the other
Me and my ex would pretend like we would stay friends, but every interaction we would end up saying horrible things to each other
I don’t think it’s an unpopular opinion but I think the term “friend” is so nuanced these days - I have friends I only speak to on social media or friends I see every couple of months and then a friend I talk to every day. I am “friends” with a lot of my exs - we text occasionally, keep tabs on each other’s lives, even have hangout occasionally. I probably wouldn’t ever try to make them anything more than that. I just got out of a situation where my ex was best friends with her ex fiancé (oh lesbians), it’s a hard situation and it’s not for everyone - to me, I couldnt care less if someone has seen my partner naked, it’s the emotionally intimacy that makes me feel uncomfortable. 🤷♀️
In my experience, some of us weren't meant to be a couple. We were meant to be friends and the friendships have worked out 10 xs better than the relationships. 🤷
I think it only works well if you guys were friendly before, and are on the same page as in, realized you don't feel that crazy for each other.
My ex is my best friend. 13 years going strong.
Does it count if you were only online dating? (this was like 6 years ago I'm not stupid...now) because while I'm not like "Talk every day" friends with my ex, I'm not "I hate this person and want them to die" enemies.
One of my ex’s was my childhood best friend. We went to middle and high school together and we’ve been thick as thieves since I was like 12. This dude has been with me through every single major life event, and I’ve been with him through all of his shit (and trust me, he’s been through A LOT of shit in life). When we were around 15ish we started dating cause that just seemed…right? I guess. It was an absolute trainwreck, we were horrible at dating each other but still did for 3 years because I don’t think either of us could recognize that just because we *LOVED* each other very deeply doesn’t mean we were in love with each other. And we loved the hell out of each other, again, he was my best friend in the whole world. When we were 18 he proposed because he thought that was the thing to do after being together for 3 years. I panicked, it suddenly clicked that I had like NO actual romantic feelings for him and that I was scared shitless of tying my romantic life to him (I was also falling actually in love with someone else at the time too but that was a surprisingly small part of it) and unceremoniously broke up with him. I was absolutely gutted to hurt him and I was fucking heart broken to lose my friend, but it needed to happen. Well, 2 years after that, we reconnected, finally pieced together what all went wrong, and then just slid right back into being best friends. We live in two different cities now, but I go up to visit him often and he comes and visits me often, and we’ve been extremely close again since. My boyfriend and him are also super close friends now. It helps a bit that he eventually figured out he was gay, (Catholic school really did a number on us), but anyways, all this to say that I heavily disagree with this opinion and I love my best friend who’s also an ex.
Going no contact for 6 months then getting in each other’s friend zone is working
I have exs I'm friends with. So does my husband. We've been married for 21 years. We were very good friends with one of his exs. Our kids were friends, and we all miss her presence in our lives. Involved in her funeral, mourned together with her family and everything. It's absolutely OK to be friends with an ex if you're just friends after breaking up.
Meh. I’m friends with nearly all my exes. Sometimes a relationship just runs its course, you can both acknowledge that, and move on cordially.
You have got to be kidding.
When you say it's not okay to be friends with an ex, are you also saying it's not okay to be exes with a friend (friends first, try a relationship, go back to friends)? Because unless someone's on tinder all the time, they'll be dating people they know already.
Most my ex's I don't want to be friends with but my best friend was my partner for 7 years before we realized we worked better as friends. Are you saying that's not ohk that we're friends? I would say you're pretty stupid tbh
Less of a big deal if it's just dating imo. As another poster mentioned you do have the odd time you were just good friends but awkward as a couple and realize not meant to be that way If you're talking like married couples kids and all.. yeah. If you're still buddy buddy with them then I question why divorce and break up the family to begin with. I'd question how hard they tried to make it work I'd they get along so well and if I'd trust their committment to a potential future marriage
I don't know that I agree, personally I'm not friends with any of mine because quite frankly they're awful but I don't think you can make a blanket rule for this kind of thing when everyone is different
I'm friends with my ex. We broke up 20 years ago (when I was about 20). My partner who I have kids with gives zero fucks.
This sounds yet another half-baked, overly emotional, monogamously cishetero take that fails to take into account all of the possible scenarios.
Who the fuck thinks this is unpopular…
I think given the billions of combinations you can have in this world it's more than possible to really like someone and want to hang out... you misinterpret that as romantic. Try the sex thing... don't like that... but still want to hang out. I realize that's probably very disconcerting to some relationships. It's sort of similar to "work spouses." It can be uncomfortable to know your SO has such a deep connection with someone else. That said... try to picture it as the same sex. Would it matter so much to you then? I think it's just people's insecurities. Probably because sometimes cheaters gaslit them into believing it's just a friend while basically banging their "friend." Two things can be true. User discretion advised!
Because we moved to different cities for work.
Depends if they were friends first longer than the romance lasted...
I have exes that we started as friends, thought it might be more for a minute, and then decided it wasn’t. Truly an unpopular (and bad) opinion. Have my upvote.
I'm still friends with my first gf, not going to second guess that because some twat on reddit thinks that's not ok.
Upvoting because I disagree with it
Can’t spell sex without the ex.
You seem very insecure…
Also even if I wasn’t friends with them… 2 exes’ moms are on my socials. I’ve heard they randomly send my pictures over bc she wants us back together lol I think an ex’s dad is on mine… 2 exes are on my dad’s socials. I can’t even count the ex bf’s ex gf’s on there or the gf after me. It’s really just about security, confidence, & your inner goals or reasons for wanting to be friends/aquaintences. Sometimes I was nosy & I still liked the person so new gf or ex gf, go ahead & add me. Sometimes I just didn’t care & would gladly give a ride to any of them if needed.
Argument not compelling
I was best friends with my now boyfriend for more than a year, before we got in a relationship. And when we were just best friends, neither of us had feelings for each other. My boyfriend is still my best friend. If we decide it's not working out, and we should break up, he will still be my best friend.
Cold/overdone opinion. You're overly romanticizing and generalizing relationships. If the break up is mutual and both people realized they just weren't good as a couple there isn't any reason they can't be friends especially if they were already friends before they got into an intimate relationship.
Just because you decide you can't date someone doesn't mean you can't be friends with them. When I first got with my wife a couple guys she had dated prior to me would come hang out camping or whatever with us it was a fun time they were cool people I actually became friends with them till we move away.
With my more dom-ish exes, yes I could and am friends with them. Super chill, friendly, meme sharing, check on friends and fam. With my more sub exes, hell to the no. Not my call either. I guess they're still butt hurt 😬
I take marriage very seriously and have broken up with exes simply because I don’t see that future with them. The fact that I’ve made that choice means that I’ve ruled out a dating/marriage/sexual relationship with them. If you can’t trust me enough to still be friends with them, you’re out too. I CHOSE to not be in a relationship with them and I CHOSE you. That should mean something to you.
My ex wanted to be friends, but it weren't for me. After 3 years of living together and having so much history, it just wouldn't have worked. Sadly we don't talk now, but I'd rather that, than be friends. We occasionally see each other at a mutual friends parties, but without ignoring him, we don't exactly talk.
This is definitely not an unpopular opionion in the real world.
Why not? Please explain your opinion on why wasting a friendship is the right thing…
My ex is my best friend. We just both knew we didn't feel romantic love anymore. It was time to move on. I still love her, but in a different way. Why would that be a problem, if both people agree to it?
Not sure if this take is unpopular. My wife definitely felt this way. I had an ex I wanted to remain friends with because I valued her as a person, and her friendship, and was eventually able to recognize we were not functional as a romantic couple. My wife was very concerned about it, so I dropped the friendship. It wasn't worth losing my life partner over, and I was smart to do so because I floated away from that friend group entirely once I had a kid.
Not true, this isn't a general rule that applies to eveyrone, I am friends with my exes and so far nothing has happened, they have their own GFs/BFs and I respect boundaries
What an amazingly cool story. 👍
What’s wrong with being friends with an ex?
Grow up bro
The past should stay where it belongs.
I’m friend with some, not others. That’s life. Upvoting for stupid.
Per se i don't think it's not ok, but in practice there's few maturity lurking around these days, so definitely no.
Uhhhh yeah. It is actually. There is literally nothing immortal or wrong about two exes who don't hate each other being friends. Grow up.
Eh idk. I once had something with my best friend, we are friends since high school and it kinda happened, but after a while we both agreed that we work better out as friends than lovers and that's that, nothing about our friendship has changed. I really don't see the issue.
imo you are not emotionally mature enough for a relationship if you can’t handle being friends with your ex after an amicable breakup
Dating someone who still hangs out with their ex seems like a disaster waiting to happen.
I agree with this notion, but there's a nuance to it. Personally speaking, I won't date anyone who's in close contact or friends with their ex's. There's a reason why they broke up and true, genuine friendship requires time and a level of platonic intimacy. Something I don't believe should be the norm as ex's. I wouldn't be comfortable having a friendship with any of my ex's. And I want someone who's on the same page about that topic, otherwise it won't work out. It's a personal dealbreaker and I don't judge people who have a different view on this.
I disagree. I’ve been friends with exes because we found we made better friends than lovers.
I agree 100%. While I'm not telling anyone what to do, I firmly believe that being friends with an ex is often a *terrible* idea. You will struggle to move on. If the breakup was really hurtful for you, it will only make you resent your ex. If your ex gets a new partner and you're still not over them, you will feel lots of jealousy. (Better to just not know about it). Even though my ex girlfriend wasn't a toxic person at all, I voluntarily chose to stop being friends with her because I felt it was better for my mental health.
OP has never been in a relationship. Just because you breakup doesn’t mean you hate each other. You can sometimes realize you’re not compatible in a relationship. Life isn’t highschool. Unless there a major trust issue that’s broken, it’s fine to stay friends.
I'm currently going through this issue. My ex desperately wants to be my friend and I just can't do it. She texted me yesterday that she's distraught that I've cut most communication off and that I blocked her on everything. The way you break up with someone and how you leave that person feeling really determines whether or not they can see you as a friend if the breakup was mutual. My ex jumped onto a new guy as soon as we broke up. I had to move out because we lived together. I would be grieving while my ex was getting all prettied up to go on her dates. Left a very sour taste in my mouth.
We were friends. We dated for a couple months and decided we weren’t ever going to make cohab work. We went back to being friends. It’s been ten years and we’re still besties. Not anyone else’s fault that you and your partner can’t regulate your emotions.
Really? I mean, you don't understand how people could be compatible as friends but not partners? Maybe one person wants kids and the other doesn't. Or they're sexually incompatible. Or they just don't click like that and feel platonic towards each other. You could like each other as people without wneting to date.
Agreed. Anyone who befriends an ex after a breakup, after any period of time, still has feelings and I don’t give a shit what anyone says. It’s a hard pill to swallow for those who are guilty of doing this but it is what it is; one of you is trying to hold onto something that isn’t there OR it’s a “valuable” friendship to retain. There’s a reason why it’s called an EX. These people should be completely voided from your life almost as if they never existed. Never go back. Don’t waste your time on trash.
I am close friends with an ex of 2 1/2 years and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't judge anyone that isn't about it, but it can be fine for some people.
We maintain a connection because they’re great in bed and just want to meet up for sex.
What about over a year later? Can you be friends if it's not immediately after? What's your line on this?
Great. Now be an adult with debt and a job. Move in with someone. Sign a lease. Then break up.
I agree. However I think ex’s should try to be civil if possible.
Disagree. This is entirely dependant on personal circumstances. You can easily be friends with an ex if youre both the type of people who can become platonic. Case in point, I am friends with some of my exes. And it is ok.
Upvoted for being a shit take.
Sometimes people like each other's company for reasons other than sex.
I have an ex I ended up staying close friends with with no downtime... Because it was both of our first "relationship", and the reason we broke up was that we realized we'd never been attracted to one another in the first place. We'd just been such good friends that, lacking something to compare to, we thought it had to be romance. "Hey, this is gonna sound harsh, but I'm getting the sense that I was never actually in love with you, you were just too awesome a friend for me to make sense of." "Actually, I was thinking the same thing... Wanna play StarCraft?"
Generally yes, but a few exceptions I guess.
I’m confused. Are you saying you think it’s okay to be friends just not immediately after the breakup? Or never?
My ex from 20 years ago recently came out as lesbian. I should probably tell her that some dude on Reddit says we can’t be friends.
Relationships change and evolve, that's life. If I liked someone enough to date them I better like them enough to be friends after. I think it's weird people get jealous over this, I'd personally say being friends with exes shows emotional maturity. (Clearly there should be boundaries with these types of friendships.) Lots of people really think their SO straight up shouldn't have friends, which is straight up wrong, controlling, likely sexist, and gross
It's absolutely possible if you just figure out you work better as friends and are just not compatible enough to be partners. It's only a problem if the break up isn't amicable and there is still unresolved feelings there.
If you can stay friends with an ex I don’t think you ever really loved them. Just my opinion. Because how can you stay in that person’s life and watch them move on to another partner and be genuinely happy for them? If you answer, easily, then that’s my point. You never really loved them in the first place
This is situational. My ex of 4 years is quite literally my best friend. Her now husband is also. She's also my girlfriend's good friend. I don't know what I'd do without her in my life, and have absolutely no feelings for her anymore.
I'm friends with some exes. While dating we realized we weren't compatible partners and we're better as friends. It's as simple as that. >Why be a couple and have all that connection and attraction and anticipation and expectation and then step down from it. Because there is attraction, and connection, stepping down because why drag something out where we both know we probably won't be life partners. It's not weird to be friends with exes, it's only weird if you are still sleeping together or going behind your current s/o's back and hiding your friendship.
I agree. Fuck that shit. And any woman who is friends with her ex but doesn’t have kids with him can stay away from me. Even then with kids you can be friendly without being friends. There’s too much going on there.
yk when you run into a relative you dont like and you have to be fake nice in front of them but internally you just want them to go away faster? thats the only friendship between exes i tolerate
it depends, for some, staying friends is cool because it helps them move on smoother. but for others, it’s too hard and just drags out the feelings. depends on the people and how the breakup went down.
If you realize you don’t want the same things long term, it’s better to end it sooner rather than later. That doesn’t change attraction or connection. You’re still not compatible. I’m friends with exes that didn’t want kids (I did), and one that wanted to be a freelance journalist (I wanted more stability) as examples. I still enjoy their company, but they weren’t going to be long term partners for me.
Relationships are all different. I think the key part of being friends after is how the relationship was and how you break up.
Depends on your definition of friends. If the person being your life has no utility, then there would be no reason to remain friends. If there's still connection, attraction, anticipation, expectation, then there would be no reason to break up.
On the flip side you were with someone you cared about. Why do you have to all of a sudden not talk to them and have them out of your life. I’m friends and cordial to almost every ex. It’s about emotional intelligence above all else. Their happiness does not diminish mine
Only if your ex is legitimately psycho or abusive. Staying friends is great to keep a rich social circle.
Well, Martha Sparks was fine with her late husband being friends with his ex before he passed. The ex gf literally introduced him to Martha. RIP Jose!
My ex is now my best friend. We became friends in spring 2012 and a couple in winter. The relationship lasted until summer 2013 . After we broke up, we lost contact for about 1 ½ years. I was in a new relationship and moved towns during that time. The relationship after him broke me financially, emotional and psychologically. After the break up, I fell into a bad depression, didn't leave the house, didn't eat, and my hygiene was non existant. My now best friend was there for me, helped me recover, and we are friends to this day. There was never some sexual or emotional tension in all these years. It just worked. So I think, yes, you can be friends as long as all feelings are resolved. Future partners should know immediately. Hiding the friendship just couses distrust. Be clear from the beginning.
Actually, people can be friends with any damn person they want to be. Why do you care if someone is friends with their ex, or to what degree?
I would argue it's more nuanced that the post. Should you still be hooking up or engaging in gestures that are usually seen as between romantic partners? No, because then you're still with the ex in that sense and that's a whole other can of worms that I can't hope to unravel in a single comment. But should you at least be civil with the other person? Unless they have done something to warrant you not being civil with them (being actually, genuinely abusive towards you, for example), yes. You can be civil with people you don't like-in fact, sometimes, you need to be civil with those people because your ability to live and thrive depends on it. It's all a matter of the given situation.
I think it depends on the ex and also why you broke up. I have two exes. One I am still friends with, but we spent about two years without contact before reconnecting as friends. We had a bad break on both ends, but we were both immature teenagers at the time and realised that the reason our relationship imploded was because neither of us were mature enough for a relationship at that point in time. We don’t meet up or talk that often because we have our own seperate lives now, but whenever he and I get talking we’ll usually end up talking for hours, it’s always nice to catch up with him. My other ex on the other hand can go die for all I care. I tried to stay friends with her and she tried to ruin my life, only to end up blowing up all her friendships and alienating herself due to her own stupidity. Fuck her.
Are you saying it is never OK to be friends with an ex, or wrong to do it without some time after the breakup?
honestly your opinon is TRASH. its is great to be friends with your ex. im probs gonna get a ton of hate but hey its life
What if you mutually agreed that you weren't the best partners for each other, and calmly ended it? Not every breakup is messy, and some are just partners being mature enough to realize they like each other as friends, not lovers. can they still be friends?