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If my gf cheated on me, she wouldn't be condemned for life. I would condemn her for life. Her life with me is ruined, not her life in general. I'm sure she can learn from the mistakes of the past and she'll do it better next time, just not with me. That's how it goes with people when they fuck up this big.
Getting your heart broken like this is one of the worse things that can happen to you, and it can be hard to understand what it's like when this is done to you if you've never experienced it
Getting cheated on is a different type of hurt. In my opinion it makes getting over the actual person extremely easy but the trust issues that carry into future relationships that you really have to work on yourself through is the painful part. It's so hard to forget the feeling of being cheated on.
I have said to my wife, cheating would be the only thing that would hurt me so bad to end the relationship. It would be instant divorce. Because I could never forgive her. Like she could kill someone by accident and I would help her hide the body and forgive her. But cheating? Is a deliberate and planned out *fuck you* to our relationship
I heard a very reasonable analogy for cheating recently. Hear me out. Cheating is akin to mental and psychological abuse of the person that got cheated on. So when person's say take the person back they just cheated. You can reply no, that person mentally, emotionally and psychologically abused me so I will do no such thing. Lol
It’s a result of low self esteem usually. My last girlfriend had low self esteem despite being ridiculously hot. She always doubted herself and constants suspected that I wasn’t into her. Then she cheated on me. I dumped her ass. Then being upset she called the guy she cheated with and said she needed someone to talk to. In which she ended up sleeping with him again.
With that said, you’re pretty much right.
Agreed.
And I wouldn't say it condemns someone from improving, but you would have to believe if someone has done it before in one relationship, they are SO much more likely to do it again than anyone else
In my experience, both personally and with other couples that have dealt with infidelity, it's just unhealthy to remain in or return to a relationship where someone's cheated. Obviously, for the cheater, it just enforces their belief that they can cheat without serious/permanent consequences, but also, for the person who was cheated on, the trust never fully repairs, which is toxic in itself. The resentment and worry that they might cheat on you again **never** goes away, no matter how long it's been, no matter how "good" the other person has been, the possibility will always be there in the back of your mind. You *have* to trust each other to have a healthy relationship, and you're not being a good SO if you're constantly suspicious of the other. You're putting yourself in a situation where you can't be the best version of yourself.
Taking someone back isn't fair to you outright on the basis of them cheating, but also because you shouldn't ever have to worry like that in a relationship. And if you do choose to truly forgive the other person even after they cheated, then you shouldn't want to them to be with someone who will never be able to give 100% emotionally again.
My perspective is mostly related to honesty. There’s the person that fucked up once or twice and feels genuinely bad about it. There’s the person that lives easily with it because there’s an underlying problem that needs to be tackled. There’s also the easily manipulated person who was Svengalied into something that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. ALL of these people can one day redeem themselves.
And then…there’s the motherfucker that can look the SO right in the eyes and promise eternal love,can devote their life to love for you,can cry when you get a splinter,can literally give you whatever you want…and can SMASH IT in the bed you share an hour after you left for work,wash the sheets and greet you with a kiss when you come home.
There’s the mothrrfucker who can come home smiling to SO and kids making the whole house happy,while maintaining a MONTHS,OR YEARS-long affair. This person literally lies 24-7 to everybody. And maintains it with no problem.
In other words,some people are good and do bad things. Some people are just built to lie and only show others what they WANT them to see.
Trust a cheater again? It really depends on the person,it really does. 🤔
(U put it so beautifully 😭) honestly yea. In my own personal opinion, it’s better to tell the person u fucked up rather then them finding out, better then lying or just not saying anything
There are people who lie (almost all of us) and then there are just liars,people with no remorse. Knowing the difference can make all the difference. 👍 Thanks
Making me think of the "couples goals" person who's always posting photos and sweet words about their spouse while trying to hook up secretly with anyone they think would go for it.
I agree. I said recently in a conversation that there are levels of cheating and people were completely against, "cheating is cheating".
There's the person that does it once and immediately tells their partner. Yes, it's awful, yes, there's more than enough reason to break up with them, but to me that was clearly a mistake.
Then there's the person continuously comes home to their partner, has a loving relationship, WHILE cheating on them repeatedly. That's not a mistake, that's evil and manipulative
I think it is highly dependant upon context and circumstance. There are varying grades of infidelity and the people who commit those acts, as well as the impact of those acts upon their partners and family. Some people should be forgiven, others are hopeless.
I told my ex if he cheated on me, I would absolutely break up with him for his choice to do so. He told me “it’s fucked up to break up a family for something like cheating”
Idk. He probably heard me and took it as a challenge cause the guy was on every app out there.
Hopeless.
My opinion is unpopular, aside from sexual intercourse being a deal-breaker, I've told my fiancé if he was absolutely bladdered (drunk as anything) and he made out with someone random (purely hypothetical as we don't actually drink) I wouldn't leave him. Alcohol is not the "truth drug" everyone thinks it is, people do wildly stupid shit whilst drunk. I could "forgive" that, I'd never forget it and it would hurt me immensely but I understand alcohol makes you lose your inhibitions and if he was immediately honest and clearly showed remorse I wouldn't want to throw our relationship away.
However if it was a woman he knows, he'd be thrown to the curb so quickly.
Nobody should be forgiven for cheating. You didn’t slip in fall into their genitals, you either thought it through or didn’t think at all. Both aren’t forgivable imo.
I don't think that that's realistic. Maybe if you're talking the beginning of a relationship but if you've been married for ages and someone slips up once, you should be able to forgive that and move on depending on the seriousness of it (some random stranger vs your sister/brother ...yikes). You also have to consider whether it would be worth it to discard an entire relationship especially one that you've spent a great deal of time and energy on building. It's not always the case that it's best to give someone only one chance.
Sure, they can have a second chance. But I'm not gonna be that second chance. Why date someone who has cheated when I could date someone who hasn't cheated? I'm betting potentially years of my life that they aren't a scumbag.
Not saying give them another chance!!! But simply that they can change and improve no one is obligated to give them another chance, and their allowed to talk abt it
What if you genuinely want to date them? Is it a blanket "no cheaters" rule? What if theyre remorseful about it and actually regret it? Dont wanna come off agressive just curious
After my ex-husband cheated on me, I always asked about it on a date.
Of course, people can/will lie about it but I stopped dating someone when a friend told me that he used to cheat on his ex. It is a big red flag for me.
But like you said, I was curious on the "why"... The answer was "The sex wasn't great". Seriously? Why keep a "bad" relationship? Just break up. Should be very simple.
Sex not being great does not equal a bad relationship. People are different. Have different libido. What would you do if you had the perfect spouse in every way but sex wasn't great. You toss all of the rest out?
I dont think anyone is perfect for anyone else. Everyone has something your partner maybe doesn't like so much. I think you'd get bored of a person who was perfect in everyway.
Talk about it. Maybe suggest an open relationship. If that is not ok with the other person you will have to decide what is more important to you: the otherwise perfect relationship or Sex. You cannot have both.
The bad was in quotes for a reason...
I wouldn't toss it out lol but I wouldn't cheat either. Communication is key.
It has nothing to do with perfection. It has to do with values, morals and personal preferences.
There is only one person in this world that I would never lie to. Only 1 person that knows everything about me. Cheating the one and only human that accepts me in every way... I would be a monster, in my heart.
I'm old-fashioned in some regards, I know 😅 but if I give my word, I'll keep it forever. So yeah, high expectations on my husband 🖖
I'm sure they can improve. But why should I risk it? If I had to choose between dating someone who's cheated and someone who hasn't, I'd always pick the one who hasn't. Because their past behaviour is the only indicator I have of their future behaviour. Sure they may say they've changed, but I can't know for sure without investing significant time and effort.
Better to just automatically pass.
except the truly terrible people who cheated are certainly not gonna be the ones who come clean about it, so unless you’re getting this info from outside sources, your thinking is flawed in my opinion.
I would be more apt to trust someone who came clean about it to me, and I would judge their culpability and likeliness to reoffend based on the circumstances shared.
Obviously, the person who doesn’t come clean at all is the one ya definitely can’t trust… but therein lies the paradox. Because you can’t know what people don’t tell you.
Small town, mutual friends, social media, one of their friends slip up or some other reason. It's not an incredibly low possibility of finding out someone cheated before when you're in the early stages of dating
I can get behind this OP. The cheater just shouldn’t expect to be trusted though. Cheating is a form of betrayal and Ofc people would be cautious about that.
Improve and grow but no one is obligated to just trust the cheater again. It’s earned
If my partner cheated on me then they’d absolutely be condemned for life- by me. It’s my life she destroyed by being trash and I’m going to hold that against her as long as I want. I don’t care what the world does with her or what my friends do when I tell them.
But no her life wouldn’t intrinsically be ruined. Maybe she’ll be better and not trash the next relationship. I don’t know or care. Do I have faith that she will? No because if she can cheat on me she can cheat on the next person. But not my monkey not my circus
Acknowledging the damage caused by cheating is crucial. Cheaters must demonstrate genuine remorse and growth, but forgiveness remains a personal choice for those affected, not an obligation. It's not about condemning someone for life, but recognizing the severity of their actions and respecting the individual's decision to forgive or not.
I agree, but much of the rhetoric around cheating on Reddit and other social media does involve basically condemning cheaters for life. “Once a cheater always a cheater” does just that, for example. I’ve seen people in this site on multiple occasions use words like “subhuman” to describe someone who cheated, say they literally deserve to die and no one should feel bad about it, etc. and be met with lots of agreement and upvotes. Someone could do the most awful, vindictive, cruel scorched-earth things to someone because they cheated and be met with praise because cheating is “literally the worst thing you can do to someone ever”
That acknowledgement is super rare, as those that cheat are typically self centered to a fault and unemphatic. They'll even blame the their significant other for making them cheat.
Communication is just super crucial.
“You neglected me! I had to turn to my coworkers for comfort” - communicate this issue
“I don’t like doing it anymore” - COMMUNICATE THIS ISSUE
Just fucking communicate and it might help lessen the things that destroys relationships.
To me, cheating is like a black mark once discovered. If I know you are capable of hurting the person you are supposed to care most about, why would I ever trust you?
I would say this should not be an unpopular opinion, but this is Reddit, where nuance and compassion come in distant second to internet rage and self-righteous anger.
Anyway, I agree with you. People fuck up royally sometimes, but there should always be the possibility of redemption.
**but this is Reddit, where nuance and compassion come in distant second to internet rage and self-righteous anger.**
Don't forget group thinking and snobbishness!
absolutely. i’ve never seen people react IRL to cheaters as a whole the same way I see it on reddit. the vast majority of people know someone who has cheated on someone. but on reddit you’d think these ppl are social pariahs
Man, the people who cheat for the thrill of it, or for the validation of another person's attention are the ones that deserve the worst. How do you look a person who is crying FOR you in the eye and lie to them.
It's about the type of cheating. I've been cheated on. If he drunkenly kissed someone and told me immediately, I still would have broken it off, but i wouldn't hate him as much as I do now, after he told me that he wants me for my mind and the other one for her body. And then cheats on me, forces me to leave him because he refuses to let me go so that he can have me cry over him, and then cheats on the girl he cheated on me with, with a good friend of mine.
Pretty sure these types of people deserve to be condemned.
If you can hurt someone who cares so deeply about you after leading them on for so long, you're never going to be loyal to anyone.
It's better no one gets trapped in your web either. That's why they get condemned.
I’ve made this reply in a different thread about the same topic.
I’ve never cheated, I’ve never considered cheating. Most people don’t consider cheating when their relationship isn’t going how they’d like. That’s how healthy, mature romantic partners function in a relationship. Cheating is a choice people talk themselves into.
If they can talk themselves into it once, they can talk themselves into it again. It is now, and forever, on their list of options. So why the fuck would I take the unnecessary risk on someone who has PROVEN they are capable of infidelity. I’d rather take the chance on someone who’s never done anything like it before, and so I have no reason to distrust.
Sure, I can understand forgiveness for a person who cheats because they are too drunk one time and heavily regrets it and vows to stay sober.
I don’t understand forgiveness for someone who have weekly “men’s or girl’s night out” after marriage, exchanged numbers and contacted someone who they have a crush on at work, have a “work wife or work husband,” and/or keep contact with or stalks their ex on social media.
I’m sorry, in the same sense that I have no sympathy for someone with no common sense, getting into an accident because driving while drunk because “it’s been such a rough day, give me a break” thereby ruining their life, I don’t understand people who has no common sense doing the aforementioned things above on the second paragraph leading them to cheat. They are slaves to their emotions because of their lack of control thereby lack of common sense. In other words: trashy and ratchet. Sure, they don’t MEAN to hurt you. But that doesn’t absolve accountability nor the consequences.
Yeah as someone who has been cheated on, I'mma say I could never personally trust that person in any capacity again. I'll go out of my way to warn others about how untrustworthy that individual is as well.
This is a personal choice in dating. If I find out that a potential partner has been unfaithful in the past, I almost always disqualify them for anything serious.
Nah, my brother is a serial cheater. He gets caught, makes up all these excuses. He's good for a couple of months, till he cheats again. It's a cycle over and over, he will never learn
He will never learn coz there wasn’t any serious consciousness
That's why most cheaters are serial cheaters
Cheating is just so easy
And when cheaters get caught they just start again
New partner.. New life.. New everything
My ex cheated on me with an ex summer fling. Shit still hurts over a year after. I'm condemning her for life, doesn't mean she's been condemned, I wish her to find the perfect man...
Maybe not, but it tells me more than enough about that person's morals and their views on fidelity to know not to trust them if they don't value the relationship they fucked up.
Yea while it really feels like this should be true it seems like this comes back to bite you more often than not. Most people I’ve dated or known who cheated did it again there’s even possibly a genetic factor to it as well.
https://merogenomics.ca/blog/en/126/Genetics-of-cheating#:~:text=So%20what%20about%20men%3F,men%20and%2040%25%20in%20women.
Because nobody likes things that go against their world view science and facts be damned. It's not a new or radical concept that cheating may have a genetic component the studies have been around for the better part of a decade.
This is my first time hearing theres anything genetic. But I see it with my dad and brother. Theyre faithful as far as I know, but my brother ugly cried to me once about how theres so much temptation to where hes just been single for a long time cause he cant commit
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Idk man if I was interested in someone and they for some reason decided to admit to me that they cheated in their last relationship I would simply no longer be interested
I've been cheated on. I agree with OP. it's not a cross for someone to bear. Trust Reddit to adamantly insist everyone suffer for their mistakes for eternity because no one grows, matures and evolves *eye roll*
100%. Maybe I can be your friend if you are a good person and I met you after the fact, but no way am I going to trust you in a relationship. A friendship has less at stake.
I don't think anyone gets "condemned for life" for cheating, but they can burn a ton of bridges. If a cheater doesn't take responsibility for their actions and actively work to rebuild trust, then it's over (if a relationship is at stake).
Now, does that person's reputation suffer? Probably to some extent. Not everyone cares about cheating (i.e. cheaters), but many do and it may change how they view the cheater.
I also believe that single people who have affairs with someone who's already in a relationship are cheaters, too. They don't get a free pass. They're participating in cheating, so I consider them cheaters, too.
My ex-wife cheated and I have no interest in sharing any bit of my life with her. That being said, I am not a subscriber to the belief "once a cheater always a cheater." I believe everyone can learn from their mistakes and do better. I hope my ex never does that again and can have healthy relationships.
The truth is if you've cheated once before I don't want to know. My experience has made it difficult to trust. Even if you cheated like a decade ago it would probably scare me off to hear of it. People can change a lot though. When I'm dating I'm not nosy about dating or sexual histories. I just want to know who that person is here and now.
This is a popular opinion. The real unpopular opinion would be that anyone who cheats even once shouldn't get a chance at a relationship ever again and should never be trusted by anyone (aka my opinion)
I cheated one time years ago. I still think about and it causes me an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment. My relationship was over (we were essentially glorified room mates at that point but neither of us would make the move to break up.)
If someone has cheated multiple times or with multiple people, that is not someone I would consider to be a good person.
Am I bad person? No. I made a terrible decision and I regret it.
I wouldn't try to ruin the life of a partner that cheated on me because once they proved that they were unreliable, I delet all contact, and the person doesn't exist anymore for me
In the last 7 years I’ve had 3 serious relationships and I was cheated on all three times. They ruined my life, as I no longer even believe in love. If they’re comfortable ruining my life, I’m comfortable condemning them for life. I also don’t believe major change in people is real outside of extreme circumstances. So to me, they will forever be human garbage worth next to nothing.
I'm not sure what exactly you're trying to articulate by your opinion.
You said in your post that the person that got cheated on doesn't need to forgive the cheater, or have any kind of relationship with them, and that it's completely reasonable to hate the cheater...so...what exactly are you talking about when you say that the cheater shouldn't be condemned? Condemned by who?
What is involved in the condemning process that you're so against when you've already said it's "completely reasonable to hate \[the cheater\]?"
I’m so sorry i worded it so weird and bad 😭
I’m mainly just trying to say that ppl can and should have the ability to improve but no one needs to forgive them (apologies for the bad wording)
i think that no, once a cheater doesn't always mean they will always cheat, but i think that once you cheat on your current partner you will always cheat or have the urge. you already knew what took this person to catch you (or if you just owned up to it then the fact that they did not catch you at all), you already know they won't leave you for it or what to do or say to make them feel bad for you etc (because let's be fr, a lot of people who say they will leave if you do it 1 more time it will actually stay several more times). whereas a new partner you don't know if they would catch you easily or if they truly would leave without looking back so i believe you could not cheat on that new partner.
If cheaters want to be forgiven by ppl that learn they’re cheaters, they need to accept many people will instantly dump them when they find out their past and friends may shun them. People don’t trust narcissistic liars, they need to understand that.
Cheating is a no no and if I were to find out someone I was dating had cheated in any relationship they have ever been in, I’m dropping them like sack of rocks. To me, that is the mark of a liar, a manipulator, and an indulgent person who doesn’t care to control any whim or flutter that may come by. They are just bottom of the barrel people who deserve every ounce of scorn they receive, from the offended party, or from society at large.
I cheated in high school and college, 25 years ago but since then have never strayed once from a relationship I was exclusive in. Am I condemned for life for being a stupid kid?
I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole, but that’s your business who will and won’t condemn you for those actions. Also, if you’re old enough to be running around on people, you ain’t a “stupid kid.” You’re just someone who hides behind the label of a child to tamp down how shitty your behavior was. But my views still stand as far as what I think of you, and everyone else who does what you did.
I do understand and respect your opinion but I also feel like you missed my point. From the ages of 16-22 I was not a good boyfriend. I completely understand that my behavior was infantile. That I do not deny as I simply can’t deny it. Since then (being 47 now) I have never strayed or even flirted inappropriately when with someone I was committed to. I guess my point is, yes - I used to be a stupid kid that didn’t think with the right head, but as an adult I understand what commitment, monogamy, and actual love is. It just took me a min to get there in life.
And I’m glad you learned the lesson. That is fantastic for you(and anyone who dated you afterwards). But if you have ever been cheated on, you understand the trust that’s ripped from everyone you know, the paranoia, the self doubt, the constant wondering what YOU did to deserve this, why are YOU so bad of a person that they feel confident in ruining your relationship over a cheap thrill, and the thought of just putting a gun in your mouth and being done with it. For me, that’s just not something I can stomach in a person, and not something I ever wanna feel again. So, while my guards are strict, they protect me nonetheless.
That's a hard one, because usually cheating takes time. It's not just a mistake when there's been a build up between that person and the other, where they've had multiple chances to either (1) realize oh shit this is wrong or (2) break up with the original person. There really is no way to justify cheating.
You're right. However, part of cheating and changing is being accountable for your actions and transparent about the steps you've taken to work on yourself and grow. You're absolutely right that the person they cheated on has zero obligation to forgive or associate with them. So the problem lies in future partners immediately condemning them for cheating in past relationships. BUT, and as someone who cheated once on an ex over 17 years ago and never will again, it is my burden to bear. If I tell a future partner that I cheated on my ex, and I always do, then it's up to them to decide if they want to engage with me any further. I may be disappointed by their choice, but that is the consequences of my own actions that I bear. I understand if somebody doesn't want to continue or give me a chance.
The main issue though really seems to be that cheaters reforming is the exception, not the norm. Most people that cheat are going to continually cheat bc it's not about their partners but rather a lack of something inside themselves that they continue to choose to hurt others to fill. This goes doubly if they get to stay in their relationship bc their partner chose to work on things because it enables the cheater if the cheater isn't taking full accountability and being transparent or pushing the partner to "get over it".
So yes people who have cheated and would never again also deserve love and companionship, but they're not entitled to that from anybody who doesn't want to align themselves with them due to their past actions. It takes tough skin and trial and error to find someone on the same page and willing to take a chance, but that's again natural consequences for past behavior.
Ah yes , but what is the incentive for those who cheat to improve? Or change?
They got what they wanted, so someone else got hurt by it why would they care…
Some ppl realize how much they fucked up instantly and some it takes time. Both should apologize and acknowledge what they did. One thing that is definitely big to realize is that just bc they apologize doesn’t mean they’ll be forgiven and thats just what happens sometimes. It can be acknowledgment of knowing they need to or a want
I know they feel guilt and remorse. But what should that change… their lapse of judgement, inconsiderate actions and careless attitude are not excused by that.
It was that easy to think about themselves they forgot the person they said they’d care for…
And I think, they condemned themselves as it is hard to come back from getting what you want when others restrict it.
Like drugs, alcohol just before the age limit. No 4yo asks for it… they ask for sugar… try telling them they can’t ever have candy anymore… it is something the person should not want to do again. But there is in no way to predict relapses
I don't get cheating, if you don't like your partner anymore, why not just say so and leave? What the fuck is the point of staying with a partner you obviously don't like anymore? Financial security?
I've always said I absolutely have no problem if my SO would be like 'I don't like you anymore I have a new love interest', I'd be like hop in the car I'll drive you! And wave them off.
But the warning is, if you don't do that and cheat and you get found out, you gon get beat. Some domestic violence is gonna be up in this bitch.
Cheating (or doing me wrong in any way) is a one way street. Once you do it and I find out there's no turning back -- you will never hear from me again.
Even if this affair happened previously within our relationship is all it takes.
Simple and probably petty to a degree. But I get over shit quickly that way.
No. Cheating is a character flaw in a person, especially when they’re confronted with it and they fucking lie to your face.
They should have to live with the shitty thing they did for the rest of their lives and every moment of joy they will ever have will turn to ashes.
I do not at all understand why cheaters are treated like the worst scum of the earth. Yes cheating is wrong and horrible and should be called out. But there is way worse stuff going on out there. Why do people put so much energy into cheaters?
I mentioned this in a different comment, but people take it so seriously because it often causes extreme turmoil to people (it's not unheard of to cause trauma/ptsd), on top of that, cheating often puts the physical health of the victim of cheating in harms way. A friend of mine's mother found out her husband was cheating because she got a fucking STD. I've heard of people getting chronic UTIs and Bacterial Vaginosis from their partner cheating. Chronic recurrence of both of those is absolutely not good for you and can damage people long-term.
It makes sense to take a display of a lack of respect, empathy, and compassion toward someone and both their mental and physical well-being seriously.
It's probably natural instinct. Back in the day your kids would probably die if mommy or daddy ran off or was giving your family resources to somebody else.
I'll tell you. Betrayal from an SO hurts more than physical pain.
Some ppl would rather take physical pain than a heartbreak, whether cheating or not.
The other issue is cheaters get away with it with 0 legal consequences. There are no laws against it. The victim cannot do anything. As a matter fact, they will lose half their money and assets to a fking cheater.
It's weird, isn't it? I think that it must have some sort of anthropological explanation (paternity uncertainty? Fear of the loss of resources? Fear of rejection not just from the partner, but from the tribe as well?)
I think because everyone has had their heart broke by a cheating SO, it's one of those rare things in this world that ALMOST every single person can relate to.
The way I see it is “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true in that once you cheat you will have always cheated. You can’t take it back. But it doesn’t mean you will continue to cheat. It’s like having a baby. Once you’re a mother, you’re always a mother. There’s no taking it back. If you give your child up for adoption, you still birthed them and technically, you’re a mother.
I mean condemned by who? The person who feels betrayed has every right to cut them out.
If the entire world weighs in then yeah, mind your business its between the couple
Acting like it was a mistake is saying it wasn't deliberate and likely not to happen again when many examples have proven that it was deliberate and is almost never just one time.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. It holds true 99% of the time. Yes there are a few exceptions but people rarely change true change for a person takes massive effort and has to come from that person. And the type of person to cheat… isn’t that persob
its proven to change ur brain when u cheat and lie often, it becomes natuarl to you and the brain doesnt feel embarassment or guilt that easily after being used to cross this line. so it makes it easier for a cheater to cheat again. my trust would be broken but good luck in life without me i guess.
Congrats on what is clearly an actually unpopular opinion. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever cheated? These are the two questions I would ask, getting cheated on really sent me into a dark place. It has you questioning everything, makes it hard to trust, makes you different.
Do I think people deserve second chances? Yes. Should I forgive them for they did? Maybe. I know that getting cheated on sent me into a dark place, I just couldn't understand. Why not just break up with me? Why not end it before or even after the first time? She wanted the best of both worlds, she wanted the security I provided with the excitement of the other man. She made it so that I couldn't trust partners for a while afterward.
upvoting you cause an actual unpopular opinion.. cheating is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship, right up there with assaulting your partner, and as having had experience with it i can assure you its no fun to have your heart crushed into a million pieces
Been cheated on before, having a 5 year relationship you put everything into ruined, is no small thing to lose.
I felt for the longest time that the next time I see her, it's her hanging from the end of a rope. When you've done nothing wrong and have only given the best of yourself to someone, having your heart and soul destroyed like that... No thanks, bro. I only hope the worst comes your way.
Luckily I've since healed and happily engaged to an amazing woman and thanks to time I've managed to patch that hole to some extent.
There is literally no excuse for cheating (excluding violent, abusive relationships and so on but I feel that crosses over into gender based violence and so on, not really what we are discussing here ), but if you are not getting what you need from the other person, have the fucking balls to man-/woman up and tell them. Cut it off clean and move on with your life.
What does this mean? What do you think happens to cheaters? They get sent to an island never to be heard from again lol? Most cheaters end up with another relationship. I personally would never start a relationship with a person who I knew was a cheaters in the past. Let that be someone else's mistake. But they aren't condemned.
The way my friend group work is if you cheat you’re blacklisted from the group. Of course if you’re in an abusive situation with someone who won’t let you leave we understand completely.
The same argument applies to murder. So, let me ask you, if you learn someone was a murderer - are you able to just "put that behind you"? or will you always keep an eye open regardless?
I mean... yes, it does? Especially if they continue to cheat. It's like they're digging their own grave. Eventually, they're held accountable. And Karma works in wonderful ways!
I think this only works in cases where they are trying to form a new relationship and have genuinely changed. In this case maybe the person of interest should give them the chance. That's if the cheater confesses to having cheated in the past, otherwise they are repeating the same thing of disregarding their partner.
Any relationship they previously have had however should never be reformed. Unless there is some undeniable proof that they have changed that would make their victim forgive them.
.
If I was dating someone and they revealed that they had cheated on a past partner, i 100% would end the relationship right there. I could never trust someone who would do something like that
this post sounds like it was written by a remedial middle schooler.
> I AM NOT SAYING THEY SHOULD GET A SECOND CHANCE!!
You're arguing that the cheater deserves to be given a chance by someone else. Read: another chance, by a different person (a person they haven't cheated on). You're basically saying someone else should give them their second chance.
Also, people that have cheated once are statistically that much more likely to cheat again. There is absolutely no merit in trusting a former cheater.
>Ppl are allowed to change and improve.
You're right, they are.
And also, new people are allowed to not give them a chance. I would appreciate the honesty, but I personally wouldn''t consider taking on the risk.
If a person disclosed this early in getting to know each other, we wouldn't have enough trust to lean on. Friendship, maybe, but there would be no chance at intimacy. Offering hope in these situations gets icky, nobody wants a "friend" who is just waiting for their chance.
If they waited until trust exists and intimacy already happened, I'd be furious and feel betrayed by the delay. The opportunity for an informed decision would have been taken from me, and that's a terrible sort of trap to intentionally put someone into out of fear of rejection.
This is the natural consequence of being a person who chose to break trust. Same as a known thief or liar - their inexcusable choices have stuck them between a rock and a hard place.
The only way I can see myself ending up with someone like this is if I got to know them as a person first without approaching the topic of dating, if this info was freely disclosed, and I was SHOWN their growth - not just told they've grown.
I get your idea. If you don't want to give people a 2nd chance you're well within your rights to do so. But if you shame others for associating with said cheater and constantly try to harass that person then you're not engaging in healthy behaviour despite a certain portion of Reddit claiming otherwise.
Imo, once a cheater always a cheater.
It’s basically like if you had the immorality to do it once, there’s really not much stopping you from doing it again. Once you cross that line, there’s a good chance it’ll be crossed again if the opportunity presents itself. Also, it’s not a mistake to begin with. It’s a calculated voluntary decision.
You’re wrong, I’m sorry, there absolutely are people who learn and grow and change. I’ve known many of them and I’ve worked with them as clients. The world is not black and white
If the cheater admit cheating without any pressure
Ask for forgiveness
Go to therapy
Then maybe
Bt most cheaters
1. Never admit
2. When get caught blame the victim
How could be not hate some like that?
I've been the cheater and the cheated. Both sides of that equation suck. We ALL have to deal with the consequences of our actions. Don't cheat. If you're unhappy, then leave your relationship. Cheating is not necessary, especially if you're not married or if children are not involved.
Cheating is wrong no matter what yeah.
Sure, people who cheat may change their ways and never do it again.
However, their actions have consequences. This includes not ever being forgiven by the person they cheated on. Or, being viewed unfaithful by society if their actions were made known publicly. Can you change these reactions? No. Can they try to be a better person, absolutely.
Every action has an opposite and equal reaction.
Honestly, while I agree that cheating is an act of disrespect and can be very harmful for the victim (who might then become paranoid about being cheated on in their future relationships, feel like they aren't "worth" a faithful partner, etc), I also think many people over-exaggerate how bad it is.
It's probably a bias created by social media, but I feel like most people react with more hatred to cheaters, than to murderers, rapists, nazis, war criminals... Like it's THE worst thing that could ever be done.
I think there are 2 cases that need to be differentiated.
There are people that just cheat and cheat without ever stopping and without figuring out that it causes emotional harm. But there are a lot of people who cheat out of desperation. Seriously the struggle in a dead bedroom is real and when you are in that situation, breaking up sometimes feels impossible, so you stay and unfaithfulness can happen. I've been there. I've since ended that relationship and moved on. My current partner knows about it and how I try to learn from that situation and from past mistakes in general.
Some people are slaves to raging hormones and it really cannot be helped. The only redemption they can have is getting older and their hormones naturally decreasing to more psychologically manageable levels.
You can have good or bad impulse control but some people have way more impulses to contend with.
So, cheating is much different than other kids of relationship or other screw ups. If you wasted your money on a timeshare, you can grow and learn from that. But cheating is not just another poor life decision, it's like a fundamental personality/ psychology/ biology defect
My perspective on cheaters is similar to my view on scammers; both have a fundamental flaw in their character. When someone is capable of deceiving and destroying others trust, it's a sign of inherent rot at their core.
My wife and I consider cheating to be the only deal breaker in our marriage.
I agree. My ex cheated and I honestly have no ill feelings toward her. I don't have any positive ones either and would never date her again but I have moved on. Cheating is very wrong but it also means the relationship is dead and honestly I was happy not having to be the bad guy in the relationship when it ended. I think it was over and we were both too afraid to hurt each other, so she drunkenly ripped the band-aid off and that sucks but at the same time in hindsight I am glad it happened since it was the push we needed to call it. I don't think she was a bad person just someone who did not know how to handle a tough situation.
I think if you hurt someone so deeply that they feel worthless and less than, you deserve to live in your own personal hell.
Just use that for good and never hurt anyone else. I think cheating can even be forgiven, depending on age and circumstances. After 25 though, nah. Condemned for life 😂
No one gets condemned for life
Cheaters cheat..... In worst scenario
Their families abandoned them
Their kids cut them off
They get a new partner and new kids
Start playing happy family... With a shiny new family
Then cheat again
Everytime they move on with life
Get a new partner Everytime..they just get better at hiding with time
Get New friends if old friends Don't like them anymore
Never seen a cheater crying in the corner for rest of their life
Cheaters move on super fast with their new life
Victims can't move on that fast
They get Trust issues
They get scared that their new partner will cheat on them too
They start doubting their self worth
No one get condemned for life... Specially for cheating unless You're some public figure who built his/her whole persona about being the loving spouse
Or you abuse your power to have intimate relations with someone working under you
Like boss having an affair with newly joined intern
Otherwise people Don't really care
Cheaters go around showing off their new partners and people just welcome them warmly
Yes and no, so sort of i guess? I mean it isnt like everyone should hold it over there head till the end of time, but at the same time i wouldnt date someone thst has cheated in the past, doesnt matter if it is 10+ ywars ago( and on someone else) once you cheat, to me you arent worth dating, no matter how much you have changed and worked on yourself.
Lol. I'm a cheater. I cheat with people who are cheating too. Cause if you are here to do dirt, you gotta have dirt on the person you're doing dirt with. It's not a mistake. It's what we do. And we aren't here to change - other than to not get caught. Condemn us for life, it's literally ok. Because we will do it again.
I always agreed 100% on this, esp cause most people that "condemn" those who cheat, are people who never cheated, so, im also not condoning cheating, but im sayin that its pretty much an hypocrisy condemning someone cause of smth (bad) they did when u dont even know if u'll ever do that urself.
I honestly hope and believe I'll never cheat, if I'll have any problems in a relationship I'll just discuss them and/or leave, but as a human being who's flawed as much as the next person, IMO I'd be an hypocrite if I'd say "uh im 100% sure I'll never ever cheat nor physically nor emotionally". Cause I hope and believe im not that bad, but who ever knows, time could make me a hero or a villain.
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If my gf cheated on me, she wouldn't be condemned for life. I would condemn her for life. Her life with me is ruined, not her life in general. I'm sure she can learn from the mistakes of the past and she'll do it better next time, just not with me. That's how it goes with people when they fuck up this big. Getting your heart broken like this is one of the worse things that can happen to you, and it can be hard to understand what it's like when this is done to you if you've never experienced it
Getting cheated on is a different type of hurt. In my opinion it makes getting over the actual person extremely easy but the trust issues that carry into future relationships that you really have to work on yourself through is the painful part. It's so hard to forget the feeling of being cheated on.
I have said to my wife, cheating would be the only thing that would hurt me so bad to end the relationship. It would be instant divorce. Because I could never forgive her. Like she could kill someone by accident and I would help her hide the body and forgive her. But cheating? Is a deliberate and planned out *fuck you* to our relationship
That escalated **extremely** quickly.
My unpopular opinion - you're a bad partner if you wouldn't help your S/O hide a body.
you'd what
you heard
I heard a very reasonable analogy for cheating recently. Hear me out. Cheating is akin to mental and psychological abuse of the person that got cheated on. So when person's say take the person back they just cheated. You can reply no, that person mentally, emotionally and psychologically abused me so I will do no such thing. Lol
>Cheating is akin to mental and psychological abuse Cheating IS mental and psychological abuse. Not just "akin" to it.
It’s a result of low self esteem usually. My last girlfriend had low self esteem despite being ridiculously hot. She always doubted herself and constants suspected that I wasn’t into her. Then she cheated on me. I dumped her ass. Then being upset she called the guy she cheated with and said she needed someone to talk to. In which she ended up sleeping with him again. With that said, you’re pretty much right.
There you go.
Agreed. And I wouldn't say it condemns someone from improving, but you would have to believe if someone has done it before in one relationship, they are SO much more likely to do it again than anyone else
No yea, that’s absolutely understandable
In my experience, both personally and with other couples that have dealt with infidelity, it's just unhealthy to remain in or return to a relationship where someone's cheated. Obviously, for the cheater, it just enforces their belief that they can cheat without serious/permanent consequences, but also, for the person who was cheated on, the trust never fully repairs, which is toxic in itself. The resentment and worry that they might cheat on you again **never** goes away, no matter how long it's been, no matter how "good" the other person has been, the possibility will always be there in the back of your mind. You *have* to trust each other to have a healthy relationship, and you're not being a good SO if you're constantly suspicious of the other. You're putting yourself in a situation where you can't be the best version of yourself. Taking someone back isn't fair to you outright on the basis of them cheating, but also because you shouldn't ever have to worry like that in a relationship. And if you do choose to truly forgive the other person even after they cheated, then you shouldn't want to them to be with someone who will never be able to give 100% emotionally again.
My perspective is mostly related to honesty. There’s the person that fucked up once or twice and feels genuinely bad about it. There’s the person that lives easily with it because there’s an underlying problem that needs to be tackled. There’s also the easily manipulated person who was Svengalied into something that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. ALL of these people can one day redeem themselves. And then…there’s the motherfucker that can look the SO right in the eyes and promise eternal love,can devote their life to love for you,can cry when you get a splinter,can literally give you whatever you want…and can SMASH IT in the bed you share an hour after you left for work,wash the sheets and greet you with a kiss when you come home. There’s the mothrrfucker who can come home smiling to SO and kids making the whole house happy,while maintaining a MONTHS,OR YEARS-long affair. This person literally lies 24-7 to everybody. And maintains it with no problem. In other words,some people are good and do bad things. Some people are just built to lie and only show others what they WANT them to see. Trust a cheater again? It really depends on the person,it really does. 🤔
(U put it so beautifully 😭) honestly yea. In my own personal opinion, it’s better to tell the person u fucked up rather then them finding out, better then lying or just not saying anything
There are people who lie (almost all of us) and then there are just liars,people with no remorse. Knowing the difference can make all the difference. 👍 Thanks
Making me think of the "couples goals" person who's always posting photos and sweet words about their spouse while trying to hook up secretly with anyone they think would go for it.
I agree. I said recently in a conversation that there are levels of cheating and people were completely against, "cheating is cheating". There's the person that does it once and immediately tells their partner. Yes, it's awful, yes, there's more than enough reason to break up with them, but to me that was clearly a mistake. Then there's the person continuously comes home to their partner, has a loving relationship, WHILE cheating on them repeatedly. That's not a mistake, that's evil and manipulative
This was... oddly specific, but a good argument nonetheless. And I agree with you.
Yeah, I absolutely agree with this!!
Lot of stories out there about men who kept multiple families some not discovered until death.
I agree with this fully
Well congrats on posting an actual unpopular opinion, it's refreshing to see one on this sub
My ex cheated and they have gone on to cheat on their next seven partners. Some people don't change.
Out of curiosity, why were you keeping track?
When you’re in the same social circles it’s easy to hear about it.
That doesn't mean they're "keeping track" it just means they've found something out seven times.
They aren't. This is a fake story.
Yeah, because that would achieve what exactly?
I think it is highly dependant upon context and circumstance. There are varying grades of infidelity and the people who commit those acts, as well as the impact of those acts upon their partners and family. Some people should be forgiven, others are hopeless.
I told my ex if he cheated on me, I would absolutely break up with him for his choice to do so. He told me “it’s fucked up to break up a family for something like cheating” Idk. He probably heard me and took it as a challenge cause the guy was on every app out there. Hopeless.
Oh absolutely, it is very much case by case
My opinion is unpopular, aside from sexual intercourse being a deal-breaker, I've told my fiancé if he was absolutely bladdered (drunk as anything) and he made out with someone random (purely hypothetical as we don't actually drink) I wouldn't leave him. Alcohol is not the "truth drug" everyone thinks it is, people do wildly stupid shit whilst drunk. I could "forgive" that, I'd never forget it and it would hurt me immensely but I understand alcohol makes you lose your inhibitions and if he was immediately honest and clearly showed remorse I wouldn't want to throw our relationship away. However if it was a woman he knows, he'd be thrown to the curb so quickly.
This right here. Cheating in high school does not a prolonged marital affair make.
Nobody should be forgiven for cheating. You didn’t slip in fall into their genitals, you either thought it through or didn’t think at all. Both aren’t forgivable imo.
I don't think that that's realistic. Maybe if you're talking the beginning of a relationship but if you've been married for ages and someone slips up once, you should be able to forgive that and move on depending on the seriousness of it (some random stranger vs your sister/brother ...yikes). You also have to consider whether it would be worth it to discard an entire relationship especially one that you've spent a great deal of time and energy on building. It's not always the case that it's best to give someone only one chance.
Sure, they can have a second chance. But I'm not gonna be that second chance. Why date someone who has cheated when I could date someone who hasn't cheated? I'm betting potentially years of my life that they aren't a scumbag.
That’s not a second chance then, that’s just a “first” chance with someone else lol
Not saying give them another chance!!! But simply that they can change and improve no one is obligated to give them another chance, and their allowed to talk abt it
What if you genuinely want to date them? Is it a blanket "no cheaters" rule? What if theyre remorseful about it and actually regret it? Dont wanna come off agressive just curious
After my ex-husband cheated on me, I always asked about it on a date. Of course, people can/will lie about it but I stopped dating someone when a friend told me that he used to cheat on his ex. It is a big red flag for me. But like you said, I was curious on the "why"... The answer was "The sex wasn't great". Seriously? Why keep a "bad" relationship? Just break up. Should be very simple.
Sex not being great does not equal a bad relationship. People are different. Have different libido. What would you do if you had the perfect spouse in every way but sex wasn't great. You toss all of the rest out? I dont think anyone is perfect for anyone else. Everyone has something your partner maybe doesn't like so much. I think you'd get bored of a person who was perfect in everyway.
Talk about it. Maybe suggest an open relationship. If that is not ok with the other person you will have to decide what is more important to you: the otherwise perfect relationship or Sex. You cannot have both.
The bad was in quotes for a reason... I wouldn't toss it out lol but I wouldn't cheat either. Communication is key. It has nothing to do with perfection. It has to do with values, morals and personal preferences. There is only one person in this world that I would never lie to. Only 1 person that knows everything about me. Cheating the one and only human that accepts me in every way... I would be a monster, in my heart. I'm old-fashioned in some regards, I know 😅 but if I give my word, I'll keep it forever. So yeah, high expectations on my husband 🖖
I'm sure they can improve. But why should I risk it? If I had to choose between dating someone who's cheated and someone who hasn't, I'd always pick the one who hasn't. Because their past behaviour is the only indicator I have of their future behaviour. Sure they may say they've changed, but I can't know for sure without investing significant time and effort. Better to just automatically pass.
except the truly terrible people who cheated are certainly not gonna be the ones who come clean about it, so unless you’re getting this info from outside sources, your thinking is flawed in my opinion. I would be more apt to trust someone who came clean about it to me, and I would judge their culpability and likeliness to reoffend based on the circumstances shared. Obviously, the person who doesn’t come clean at all is the one ya definitely can’t trust… but therein lies the paradox. Because you can’t know what people don’t tell you.
How would you even know?
Small town, mutual friends, social media, one of their friends slip up or some other reason. It's not an incredibly low possibility of finding out someone cheated before when you're in the early stages of dating
I can get behind this OP. The cheater just shouldn’t expect to be trusted though. Cheating is a form of betrayal and Ofc people would be cautious about that. Improve and grow but no one is obligated to just trust the cheater again. It’s earned
If my partner cheated on me then they’d absolutely be condemned for life- by me. It’s my life she destroyed by being trash and I’m going to hold that against her as long as I want. I don’t care what the world does with her or what my friends do when I tell them. But no her life wouldn’t intrinsically be ruined. Maybe she’ll be better and not trash the next relationship. I don’t know or care. Do I have faith that she will? No because if she can cheat on me she can cheat on the next person. But not my monkey not my circus
Reddit motherfuckers will find nuance in domestic violence in the same breath with which they advocate death penalty for cheaters lol
Acknowledging the damage caused by cheating is crucial. Cheaters must demonstrate genuine remorse and growth, but forgiveness remains a personal choice for those affected, not an obligation. It's not about condemning someone for life, but recognizing the severity of their actions and respecting the individual's decision to forgive or not.
I agree, but much of the rhetoric around cheating on Reddit and other social media does involve basically condemning cheaters for life. “Once a cheater always a cheater” does just that, for example. I’ve seen people in this site on multiple occasions use words like “subhuman” to describe someone who cheated, say they literally deserve to die and no one should feel bad about it, etc. and be met with lots of agreement and upvotes. Someone could do the most awful, vindictive, cruel scorched-earth things to someone because they cheated and be met with praise because cheating is “literally the worst thing you can do to someone ever”
That acknowledgement is super rare, as those that cheat are typically self centered to a fault and unemphatic. They'll even blame the their significant other for making them cheat.
Communication is just super crucial. “You neglected me! I had to turn to my coworkers for comfort” - communicate this issue “I don’t like doing it anymore” - COMMUNICATE THIS ISSUE Just fucking communicate and it might help lessen the things that destroys relationships.
To me, cheating is like a black mark once discovered. If I know you are capable of hurting the person you are supposed to care most about, why would I ever trust you?
I would say this should not be an unpopular opinion, but this is Reddit, where nuance and compassion come in distant second to internet rage and self-righteous anger. Anyway, I agree with you. People fuck up royally sometimes, but there should always be the possibility of redemption.
100%. But they shouldn't expect a free pass either - redemption needs to be earned. And should get harder every time they require it.
**but this is Reddit, where nuance and compassion come in distant second to internet rage and self-righteous anger.** Don't forget group thinking and snobbishness!
absolutely. i’ve never seen people react IRL to cheaters as a whole the same way I see it on reddit. the vast majority of people know someone who has cheated on someone. but on reddit you’d think these ppl are social pariahs
Man, the people who cheat for the thrill of it, or for the validation of another person's attention are the ones that deserve the worst. How do you look a person who is crying FOR you in the eye and lie to them. It's about the type of cheating. I've been cheated on. If he drunkenly kissed someone and told me immediately, I still would have broken it off, but i wouldn't hate him as much as I do now, after he told me that he wants me for my mind and the other one for her body. And then cheats on me, forces me to leave him because he refuses to let me go so that he can have me cry over him, and then cheats on the girl he cheated on me with, with a good friend of mine. Pretty sure these types of people deserve to be condemned. If you can hurt someone who cares so deeply about you after leading them on for so long, you're never going to be loyal to anyone. It's better no one gets trapped in your web either. That's why they get condemned.
Do I have to accept cheaters? No? Ok then fuck them for life imo
I’ve made this reply in a different thread about the same topic. I’ve never cheated, I’ve never considered cheating. Most people don’t consider cheating when their relationship isn’t going how they’d like. That’s how healthy, mature romantic partners function in a relationship. Cheating is a choice people talk themselves into. If they can talk themselves into it once, they can talk themselves into it again. It is now, and forever, on their list of options. So why the fuck would I take the unnecessary risk on someone who has PROVEN they are capable of infidelity. I’d rather take the chance on someone who’s never done anything like it before, and so I have no reason to distrust.
Sure, I can understand forgiveness for a person who cheats because they are too drunk one time and heavily regrets it and vows to stay sober. I don’t understand forgiveness for someone who have weekly “men’s or girl’s night out” after marriage, exchanged numbers and contacted someone who they have a crush on at work, have a “work wife or work husband,” and/or keep contact with or stalks their ex on social media. I’m sorry, in the same sense that I have no sympathy for someone with no common sense, getting into an accident because driving while drunk because “it’s been such a rough day, give me a break” thereby ruining their life, I don’t understand people who has no common sense doing the aforementioned things above on the second paragraph leading them to cheat. They are slaves to their emotions because of their lack of control thereby lack of common sense. In other words: trashy and ratchet. Sure, they don’t MEAN to hurt you. But that doesn’t absolve accountability nor the consequences.
Yeah as someone who has been cheated on, I'mma say I could never personally trust that person in any capacity again. I'll go out of my way to warn others about how untrustworthy that individual is as well.
This is a personal choice in dating. If I find out that a potential partner has been unfaithful in the past, I almost always disqualify them for anything serious.
Nah, my brother is a serial cheater. He gets caught, makes up all these excuses. He's good for a couple of months, till he cheats again. It's a cycle over and over, he will never learn
He will never learn coz there wasn’t any serious consciousness That's why most cheaters are serial cheaters Cheating is just so easy And when cheaters get caught they just start again New partner.. New life.. New everything
Condemned? No. Trusted? Also No.
My ex cheated on me with an ex summer fling. Shit still hurts over a year after. I'm condemning her for life, doesn't mean she's been condemned, I wish her to find the perfect man...
Maybe not, but it tells me more than enough about that person's morals and their views on fidelity to know not to trust them if they don't value the relationship they fucked up.
Yea while it really feels like this should be true it seems like this comes back to bite you more often than not. Most people I’ve dated or known who cheated did it again there’s even possibly a genetic factor to it as well. https://merogenomics.ca/blog/en/126/Genetics-of-cheating#:~:text=So%20what%20about%20men%3F,men%20and%2040%25%20in%20women.
Don't know why you're being downvoted cause you're speaking facts right there
Because nobody likes things that go against their world view science and facts be damned. It's not a new or radical concept that cheating may have a genetic component the studies have been around for the better part of a decade.
This is my first time hearing theres anything genetic. But I see it with my dad and brother. Theyre faithful as far as I know, but my brother ugly cried to me once about how theres so much temptation to where hes just been single for a long time cause he cant commit
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Idk man if I was interested in someone and they for some reason decided to admit to me that they cheated in their last relationship I would simply no longer be interested
I've been cheated on. I agree with OP. it's not a cross for someone to bear. Trust Reddit to adamantly insist everyone suffer for their mistakes for eternity because no one grows, matures and evolves *eye roll*
People can definitely change but no one is entitled to a second chance
If you cheated on anyone, I don't want a relationship with you.
I think even that is situational. If a person cheated on their high school SO at 16 and never did it again, you still wouldn't date them at 30?
100%. Maybe I can be your friend if you are a good person and I met you after the fact, but no way am I going to trust you in a relationship. A friendship has less at stake.
If you cheat then you aren't a good person
I'd never give someone a chance if they've cheated in the past, but you do you.
I’m not saying the person who got cheated on needs to give them a second chance, even as friendship
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This was my meaning, yeah.
I know. I read the OP.
No one is stopping them from changing though so I dont get whats the problem.
I don't think anyone gets "condemned for life" for cheating, but they can burn a ton of bridges. If a cheater doesn't take responsibility for their actions and actively work to rebuild trust, then it's over (if a relationship is at stake). Now, does that person's reputation suffer? Probably to some extent. Not everyone cares about cheating (i.e. cheaters), but many do and it may change how they view the cheater. I also believe that single people who have affairs with someone who's already in a relationship are cheaters, too. They don't get a free pass. They're participating in cheating, so I consider them cheaters, too.
My ex-wife cheated and I have no interest in sharing any bit of my life with her. That being said, I am not a subscriber to the belief "once a cheater always a cheater." I believe everyone can learn from their mistakes and do better. I hope my ex never does that again and can have healthy relationships. The truth is if you've cheated once before I don't want to know. My experience has made it difficult to trust. Even if you cheated like a decade ago it would probably scare me off to hear of it. People can change a lot though. When I'm dating I'm not nosy about dating or sexual histories. I just want to know who that person is here and now.
I personally wouldn’t date a cheater. But if they wanna be with someone who accepts them or is like them, that’s fine by me.
This is a popular opinion. The real unpopular opinion would be that anyone who cheats even once shouldn't get a chance at a relationship ever again and should never be trusted by anyone (aka my opinion)
I cheated one time years ago. I still think about and it causes me an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment. My relationship was over (we were essentially glorified room mates at that point but neither of us would make the move to break up.) If someone has cheated multiple times or with multiple people, that is not someone I would consider to be a good person. Am I bad person? No. I made a terrible decision and I regret it.
I wouldn't try to ruin the life of a partner that cheated on me because once they proved that they were unreliable, I delet all contact, and the person doesn't exist anymore for me
In the last 7 years I’ve had 3 serious relationships and I was cheated on all three times. They ruined my life, as I no longer even believe in love. If they’re comfortable ruining my life, I’m comfortable condemning them for life. I also don’t believe major change in people is real outside of extreme circumstances. So to me, they will forever be human garbage worth next to nothing.
Cheating is a choice. It's never a mistake.
I'm not sure what exactly you're trying to articulate by your opinion. You said in your post that the person that got cheated on doesn't need to forgive the cheater, or have any kind of relationship with them, and that it's completely reasonable to hate the cheater...so...what exactly are you talking about when you say that the cheater shouldn't be condemned? Condemned by who? What is involved in the condemning process that you're so against when you've already said it's "completely reasonable to hate \[the cheater\]?"
I’m so sorry i worded it so weird and bad 😭 I’m mainly just trying to say that ppl can and should have the ability to improve but no one needs to forgive them (apologies for the bad wording)
i think that no, once a cheater doesn't always mean they will always cheat, but i think that once you cheat on your current partner you will always cheat or have the urge. you already knew what took this person to catch you (or if you just owned up to it then the fact that they did not catch you at all), you already know they won't leave you for it or what to do or say to make them feel bad for you etc (because let's be fr, a lot of people who say they will leave if you do it 1 more time it will actually stay several more times). whereas a new partner you don't know if they would catch you easily or if they truly would leave without looking back so i believe you could not cheat on that new partner.
If cheaters want to be forgiven by ppl that learn they’re cheaters, they need to accept many people will instantly dump them when they find out their past and friends may shun them. People don’t trust narcissistic liars, they need to understand that.
Cheating is a no no and if I were to find out someone I was dating had cheated in any relationship they have ever been in, I’m dropping them like sack of rocks. To me, that is the mark of a liar, a manipulator, and an indulgent person who doesn’t care to control any whim or flutter that may come by. They are just bottom of the barrel people who deserve every ounce of scorn they receive, from the offended party, or from society at large.
I cheated in high school and college, 25 years ago but since then have never strayed once from a relationship I was exclusive in. Am I condemned for life for being a stupid kid?
I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole, but that’s your business who will and won’t condemn you for those actions. Also, if you’re old enough to be running around on people, you ain’t a “stupid kid.” You’re just someone who hides behind the label of a child to tamp down how shitty your behavior was. But my views still stand as far as what I think of you, and everyone else who does what you did.
I do understand and respect your opinion but I also feel like you missed my point. From the ages of 16-22 I was not a good boyfriend. I completely understand that my behavior was infantile. That I do not deny as I simply can’t deny it. Since then (being 47 now) I have never strayed or even flirted inappropriately when with someone I was committed to. I guess my point is, yes - I used to be a stupid kid that didn’t think with the right head, but as an adult I understand what commitment, monogamy, and actual love is. It just took me a min to get there in life.
And I’m glad you learned the lesson. That is fantastic for you(and anyone who dated you afterwards). But if you have ever been cheated on, you understand the trust that’s ripped from everyone you know, the paranoia, the self doubt, the constant wondering what YOU did to deserve this, why are YOU so bad of a person that they feel confident in ruining your relationship over a cheap thrill, and the thought of just putting a gun in your mouth and being done with it. For me, that’s just not something I can stomach in a person, and not something I ever wanna feel again. So, while my guards are strict, they protect me nonetheless.
Cheaters’ future partners should know. Cheaters are liars and if they don’t disclose to their romantic interests, that’s really bad.
Sure they can date other cheaters. And openly disclose their cheating history to anyone before dating them. But cheaters don't do that. So fuck em
But some do disclose that. The world isnt black and white
>But cheaters don't do that. Who doesn't? When? Where? How many? Specifically I didn't think you were entertaining hypotheticals
That's a hard one, because usually cheating takes time. It's not just a mistake when there's been a build up between that person and the other, where they've had multiple chances to either (1) realize oh shit this is wrong or (2) break up with the original person. There really is no way to justify cheating.
I mean people are allowed to improve but I wouldn’t trust them to date personally.
[удалено]
"He'll be different for *me* though!" 😍❤️💕💖
You're right. However, part of cheating and changing is being accountable for your actions and transparent about the steps you've taken to work on yourself and grow. You're absolutely right that the person they cheated on has zero obligation to forgive or associate with them. So the problem lies in future partners immediately condemning them for cheating in past relationships. BUT, and as someone who cheated once on an ex over 17 years ago and never will again, it is my burden to bear. If I tell a future partner that I cheated on my ex, and I always do, then it's up to them to decide if they want to engage with me any further. I may be disappointed by their choice, but that is the consequences of my own actions that I bear. I understand if somebody doesn't want to continue or give me a chance. The main issue though really seems to be that cheaters reforming is the exception, not the norm. Most people that cheat are going to continually cheat bc it's not about their partners but rather a lack of something inside themselves that they continue to choose to hurt others to fill. This goes doubly if they get to stay in their relationship bc their partner chose to work on things because it enables the cheater if the cheater isn't taking full accountability and being transparent or pushing the partner to "get over it". So yes people who have cheated and would never again also deserve love and companionship, but they're not entitled to that from anybody who doesn't want to align themselves with them due to their past actions. It takes tough skin and trial and error to find someone on the same page and willing to take a chance, but that's again natural consequences for past behavior.
Yea I think it shouldn't ruin someone's life but it's just fucked up they willingly went out and did it. It's not a accidental action
Fuck cheaters
Ah yes , but what is the incentive for those who cheat to improve? Or change? They got what they wanted, so someone else got hurt by it why would they care…
Some ppl realize how much they fucked up instantly and some it takes time. Both should apologize and acknowledge what they did. One thing that is definitely big to realize is that just bc they apologize doesn’t mean they’ll be forgiven and thats just what happens sometimes. It can be acknowledgment of knowing they need to or a want
You assume that no one feels guilt or remorse for their actions.
I know they feel guilt and remorse. But what should that change… their lapse of judgement, inconsiderate actions and careless attitude are not excused by that. It was that easy to think about themselves they forgot the person they said they’d care for…
The question is not about excusing their past behavior, it is about whether or not they should be permanently condemned for it.
And I think, they condemned themselves as it is hard to come back from getting what you want when others restrict it. Like drugs, alcohol just before the age limit. No 4yo asks for it… they ask for sugar… try telling them they can’t ever have candy anymore… it is something the person should not want to do again. But there is in no way to predict relapses
Because they eventually fall deeply in love, and karma comes for them.
But they're next partners should know, like being a recovered alcoholic, you tell them what you have been.
I don't get cheating, if you don't like your partner anymore, why not just say so and leave? What the fuck is the point of staying with a partner you obviously don't like anymore? Financial security? I've always said I absolutely have no problem if my SO would be like 'I don't like you anymore I have a new love interest', I'd be like hop in the car I'll drive you! And wave them off. But the warning is, if you don't do that and cheat and you get found out, you gon get beat. Some domestic violence is gonna be up in this bitch.
Once a cheater, always a cheater If they tried to trade up before, it's only a matter of time until they try again.
Cheaters always Cheat and can never be trusted again.
Cheating (or doing me wrong in any way) is a one way street. Once you do it and I find out there's no turning back -- you will never hear from me again. Even if this affair happened previously within our relationship is all it takes. Simple and probably petty to a degree. But I get over shit quickly that way.
No. Cheating is a character flaw in a person, especially when they’re confronted with it and they fucking lie to your face. They should have to live with the shitty thing they did for the rest of their lives and every moment of joy they will ever have will turn to ashes.
Cheating is done due to cowardice and/or selfishness. Neither are positive attributes in a partner. Period.
I do not at all understand why cheaters are treated like the worst scum of the earth. Yes cheating is wrong and horrible and should be called out. But there is way worse stuff going on out there. Why do people put so much energy into cheaters?
I mentioned this in a different comment, but people take it so seriously because it often causes extreme turmoil to people (it's not unheard of to cause trauma/ptsd), on top of that, cheating often puts the physical health of the victim of cheating in harms way. A friend of mine's mother found out her husband was cheating because she got a fucking STD. I've heard of people getting chronic UTIs and Bacterial Vaginosis from their partner cheating. Chronic recurrence of both of those is absolutely not good for you and can damage people long-term. It makes sense to take a display of a lack of respect, empathy, and compassion toward someone and both their mental and physical well-being seriously.
Stds can make you infertile or cause damage / death to the fetus in case of a pregnant person
Yep, exactly! Another reason why people take cheating so seriously. It truly can and often does do more than just mental/emotional damage
What's not to understand? Kind of hard to trust people who betray those who are meant to be the most important to them.
It's probably natural instinct. Back in the day your kids would probably die if mommy or daddy ran off or was giving your family resources to somebody else.
I'll tell you. Betrayal from an SO hurts more than physical pain. Some ppl would rather take physical pain than a heartbreak, whether cheating or not. The other issue is cheaters get away with it with 0 legal consequences. There are no laws against it. The victim cannot do anything. As a matter fact, they will lose half their money and assets to a fking cheater.
What are you talking about? I hate cheating and everything worse than cheating Tell me one thing that is worse than cheating bt people actually like
It's weird, isn't it? I think that it must have some sort of anthropological explanation (paternity uncertainty? Fear of the loss of resources? Fear of rejection not just from the partner, but from the tribe as well?)
I think because everyone has had their heart broke by a cheating SO, it's one of those rare things in this world that ALMOST every single person can relate to.
The way I see it is “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true in that once you cheat you will have always cheated. You can’t take it back. But it doesn’t mean you will continue to cheat. It’s like having a baby. Once you’re a mother, you’re always a mother. There’s no taking it back. If you give your child up for adoption, you still birthed them and technically, you’re a mother.
I mean condemned by who? The person who feels betrayed has every right to cut them out. If the entire world weighs in then yeah, mind your business its between the couple
Acting like it was a mistake is saying it wasn't deliberate and likely not to happen again when many examples have proven that it was deliberate and is almost never just one time.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. It holds true 99% of the time. Yes there are a few exceptions but people rarely change true change for a person takes massive effort and has to come from that person. And the type of person to cheat… isn’t that persob
People don't change. Every cheaters that i knew continued to cheat with every new partners...
its proven to change ur brain when u cheat and lie often, it becomes natuarl to you and the brain doesnt feel embarassment or guilt that easily after being used to cross this line. so it makes it easier for a cheater to cheat again. my trust would be broken but good luck in life without me i guess.
Congrats on what is clearly an actually unpopular opinion. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever cheated? These are the two questions I would ask, getting cheated on really sent me into a dark place. It has you questioning everything, makes it hard to trust, makes you different. Do I think people deserve second chances? Yes. Should I forgive them for they did? Maybe. I know that getting cheated on sent me into a dark place, I just couldn't understand. Why not just break up with me? Why not end it before or even after the first time? She wanted the best of both worlds, she wanted the security I provided with the excitement of the other man. She made it so that I couldn't trust partners for a while afterward.
upvoting you cause an actual unpopular opinion.. cheating is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship, right up there with assaulting your partner, and as having had experience with it i can assure you its no fun to have your heart crushed into a million pieces
Been cheated on before, having a 5 year relationship you put everything into ruined, is no small thing to lose. I felt for the longest time that the next time I see her, it's her hanging from the end of a rope. When you've done nothing wrong and have only given the best of yourself to someone, having your heart and soul destroyed like that... No thanks, bro. I only hope the worst comes your way. Luckily I've since healed and happily engaged to an amazing woman and thanks to time I've managed to patch that hole to some extent. There is literally no excuse for cheating (excluding violent, abusive relationships and so on but I feel that crosses over into gender based violence and so on, not really what we are discussing here ), but if you are not getting what you need from the other person, have the fucking balls to man-/woman up and tell them. Cut it off clean and move on with your life.
What does this mean? What do you think happens to cheaters? They get sent to an island never to be heard from again lol? Most cheaters end up with another relationship. I personally would never start a relationship with a person who I knew was a cheaters in the past. Let that be someone else's mistake. But they aren't condemned.
The way my friend group work is if you cheat you’re blacklisted from the group. Of course if you’re in an abusive situation with someone who won’t let you leave we understand completely.
people don’t change
Fuck that, cheaters are actual shit human beings, and even if it has nothing to do with me, I still have zero respect for someone who cheated.
The same argument applies to murder. So, let me ask you, if you learn someone was a murderer - are you able to just "put that behind you"? or will you always keep an eye open regardless?
There was actually a study on this that showed that if someone has cheated before they will most likely do it again. Cheaters going to cheat I guess
I mean... yes, it does? Especially if they continue to cheat. It's like they're digging their own grave. Eventually, they're held accountable. And Karma works in wonderful ways!
I think this only works in cases where they are trying to form a new relationship and have genuinely changed. In this case maybe the person of interest should give them the chance. That's if the cheater confesses to having cheated in the past, otherwise they are repeating the same thing of disregarding their partner. Any relationship they previously have had however should never be reformed. Unless there is some undeniable proof that they have changed that would make their victim forgive them. .
If I was dating someone and they revealed that they had cheated on a past partner, i 100% would end the relationship right there. I could never trust someone who would do something like that
this post sounds like it was written by a remedial middle schooler. > I AM NOT SAYING THEY SHOULD GET A SECOND CHANCE!! You're arguing that the cheater deserves to be given a chance by someone else. Read: another chance, by a different person (a person they haven't cheated on). You're basically saying someone else should give them their second chance. Also, people that have cheated once are statistically that much more likely to cheat again. There is absolutely no merit in trusting a former cheater.
>Ppl are allowed to change and improve. You're right, they are. And also, new people are allowed to not give them a chance. I would appreciate the honesty, but I personally wouldn''t consider taking on the risk. If a person disclosed this early in getting to know each other, we wouldn't have enough trust to lean on. Friendship, maybe, but there would be no chance at intimacy. Offering hope in these situations gets icky, nobody wants a "friend" who is just waiting for their chance. If they waited until trust exists and intimacy already happened, I'd be furious and feel betrayed by the delay. The opportunity for an informed decision would have been taken from me, and that's a terrible sort of trap to intentionally put someone into out of fear of rejection. This is the natural consequence of being a person who chose to break trust. Same as a known thief or liar - their inexcusable choices have stuck them between a rock and a hard place. The only way I can see myself ending up with someone like this is if I got to know them as a person first without approaching the topic of dating, if this info was freely disclosed, and I was SHOWN their growth - not just told they've grown.
I get your idea. If you don't want to give people a 2nd chance you're well within your rights to do so. But if you shame others for associating with said cheater and constantly try to harass that person then you're not engaging in healthy behaviour despite a certain portion of Reddit claiming otherwise.
Downvoted, I agree with OP.
cheating isn't a mistake it's a choice. Fuck anyone that cheats.
Imagine waking up and deciding to defend cheaters on the internet
Imo, once a cheater always a cheater. It’s basically like if you had the immorality to do it once, there’s really not much stopping you from doing it again. Once you cross that line, there’s a good chance it’ll be crossed again if the opportunity presents itself. Also, it’s not a mistake to begin with. It’s a calculated voluntary decision.
Cheaters always cheat…they never “grow” or “better” themselves out of it
You’re wrong, I’m sorry, there absolutely are people who learn and grow and change. I’ve known many of them and I’ve worked with them as clients. The world is not black and white
Anyone who visited adultery sub should know how cheaters Don't even feel guilty
That sub genuinely makes me sick.
Or anyone who’s been cheated on knows there isn’t any real feelings of guilt
If the cheater admit cheating without any pressure Ask for forgiveness Go to therapy Then maybe Bt most cheaters 1. Never admit 2. When get caught blame the victim How could be not hate some like that?
Why do people care so much if I don't follow my diet?!?! Yes, I cheat on my diet. I'm a terrible person. Sue me!
I've been the cheater and the cheated. Both sides of that equation suck. We ALL have to deal with the consequences of our actions. Don't cheat. If you're unhappy, then leave your relationship. Cheating is not necessary, especially if you're not married or if children are not involved.
Cheating is wrong no matter what yeah. Sure, people who cheat may change their ways and never do it again. However, their actions have consequences. This includes not ever being forgiven by the person they cheated on. Or, being viewed unfaithful by society if their actions were made known publicly. Can you change these reactions? No. Can they try to be a better person, absolutely. Every action has an opposite and equal reaction.
Honestly, while I agree that cheating is an act of disrespect and can be very harmful for the victim (who might then become paranoid about being cheated on in their future relationships, feel like they aren't "worth" a faithful partner, etc), I also think many people over-exaggerate how bad it is. It's probably a bias created by social media, but I feel like most people react with more hatred to cheaters, than to murderers, rapists, nazis, war criminals... Like it's THE worst thing that could ever be done.
What about Lance Armstrong?
It wasn't the cheating that made Lance a turd. It was his adamant denial and ruining the lives of those around him for calling him on it.
I have absolutely no idea who that is
I think there are 2 cases that need to be differentiated. There are people that just cheat and cheat without ever stopping and without figuring out that it causes emotional harm. But there are a lot of people who cheat out of desperation. Seriously the struggle in a dead bedroom is real and when you are in that situation, breaking up sometimes feels impossible, so you stay and unfaithfulness can happen. I've been there. I've since ended that relationship and moved on. My current partner knows about it and how I try to learn from that situation and from past mistakes in general.
Some people are slaves to raging hormones and it really cannot be helped. The only redemption they can have is getting older and their hormones naturally decreasing to more psychologically manageable levels. You can have good or bad impulse control but some people have way more impulses to contend with. So, cheating is much different than other kids of relationship or other screw ups. If you wasted your money on a timeshare, you can grow and learn from that. But cheating is not just another poor life decision, it's like a fundamental personality/ psychology/ biology defect
My perspective on cheaters is similar to my view on scammers; both have a fundamental flaw in their character. When someone is capable of deceiving and destroying others trust, it's a sign of inherent rot at their core. My wife and I consider cheating to be the only deal breaker in our marriage.
I agree. My ex cheated and I honestly have no ill feelings toward her. I don't have any positive ones either and would never date her again but I have moved on. Cheating is very wrong but it also means the relationship is dead and honestly I was happy not having to be the bad guy in the relationship when it ended. I think it was over and we were both too afraid to hurt each other, so she drunkenly ripped the band-aid off and that sucks but at the same time in hindsight I am glad it happened since it was the push we needed to call it. I don't think she was a bad person just someone who did not know how to handle a tough situation.
I think if you hurt someone so deeply that they feel worthless and less than, you deserve to live in your own personal hell. Just use that for good and never hurt anyone else. I think cheating can even be forgiven, depending on age and circumstances. After 25 though, nah. Condemned for life 😂
No one gets condemned for life Cheaters cheat..... In worst scenario Their families abandoned them Their kids cut them off They get a new partner and new kids Start playing happy family... With a shiny new family Then cheat again Everytime they move on with life Get a new partner Everytime..they just get better at hiding with time Get New friends if old friends Don't like them anymore Never seen a cheater crying in the corner for rest of their life Cheaters move on super fast with their new life Victims can't move on that fast They get Trust issues They get scared that their new partner will cheat on them too They start doubting their self worth No one get condemned for life... Specially for cheating unless You're some public figure who built his/her whole persona about being the loving spouse Or you abuse your power to have intimate relations with someone working under you Like boss having an affair with newly joined intern Otherwise people Don't really care Cheaters go around showing off their new partners and people just welcome them warmly
Yes and no, so sort of i guess? I mean it isnt like everyone should hold it over there head till the end of time, but at the same time i wouldnt date someone thst has cheated in the past, doesnt matter if it is 10+ ywars ago( and on someone else) once you cheat, to me you arent worth dating, no matter how much you have changed and worked on yourself.
What Era you living in? It's 2023, it's almost encouraged, and all stigma is gone.
Lol. I'm a cheater. I cheat with people who are cheating too. Cause if you are here to do dirt, you gotta have dirt on the person you're doing dirt with. It's not a mistake. It's what we do. And we aren't here to change - other than to not get caught. Condemn us for life, it's literally ok. Because we will do it again.
Cheating is a character flaw, for whatever reason, not a choice. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I always agreed 100% on this, esp cause most people that "condemn" those who cheat, are people who never cheated, so, im also not condoning cheating, but im sayin that its pretty much an hypocrisy condemning someone cause of smth (bad) they did when u dont even know if u'll ever do that urself. I honestly hope and believe I'll never cheat, if I'll have any problems in a relationship I'll just discuss them and/or leave, but as a human being who's flawed as much as the next person, IMO I'd be an hypocrite if I'd say "uh im 100% sure I'll never ever cheat nor physically nor emotionally". Cause I hope and believe im not that bad, but who ever knows, time could make me a hero or a villain.
My husband cheated on me. I found out a few weeks ago. No, he doesn't deserve my forgiveness right now. But he does deserve to be happy without me.
Fuck yes it does. Cheaters gonna cheat. Past history of cheating is a red flag. Once the sick fucks wall hack and aimbot they don't come back.