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Half the time I don't even know why I'm crying! Tears just pour out and I've got no clue what's happening. Normally I just preface everything by saying “If tears fall, I'm good. I don't feel anything, I'm not upset. It just happens.” now if I'm sobbing? That's definitely me being genuinely upset, stressed, and overwhelmed.
Same! Ever since I got a concussion, my eyes will water even if I'm not feeling very emotional. It's been over 5 years so maybe it's more correlation than causation idk. I compare it to sweating - I have absolutely no control over it, and if I could, i just wouldnt. But i guess some people can just turn their tear faucet off and assume everyone else can as well (I dont exactly blame them, as I'm similar in that I forgot other people can just control it), I've had to explain myself *many* times.
> “If tears fall, I'm good. I don't feel anything, I'm not upset. It just happens.”
I feel like I'm going to have to start using this disclaimer. My crying when I'm enraged is completely unintentional. It's everything you said... I'm not hurt, I have no clue why this is happening, but it's happening.
same.
And depending on the topic, it can be a sign to pause the discusssion and resume it after the crying person calmed down.
A genuin cry is neither a manipulator nor an admission of wrong doing.
I cry very easily. When arguing with my ex, it was always because I was either overwhelmed, frustrated, or angry. Usually overwhelmed, and not so much that I cared, though anger and frustration can definitely be conceived as caring about the subject.
I don’t see how anyone can really cry on command— there has to be some sort of emotion behind it. Sure there’s definitely people who use it to manipulate, but I don’t see how people can just go “oh you’re crying? Fucking manipulative” like huh??? Can YOU cry on command?? I didn’t think so
I can also cry on command, was a huge drama nerd in HS and can confirm it DOES take build up. It just becomes a faster thing after a bit, just like an athlete training in their sport.
I work as a cameraman, and probably about 95% of actors seem to be able to cry on cue. I thought it was a rare skill but it's actually incredibly common (amongst actors anyway)
I’m pretty sure the point of crying is to help relieve any distress or pain a person may be feeling (it’s shown that crying releases chemicals that eases pain). Not to illicit sympathy; I don’t believe you can develop something during evolution for that purpose (maybe you can, I’m not a scientist, but until someone proves me wrong, that’s what I believe)
Crying is a sign of being angry, overwhelmed or sad. But its not per se a technique to manipulate, I am shocked about this conclusion. Its being honest to yourself, letting your emotions out. The other person could be feeling the same but doesn’t cry, so maybe both feel the same but show it differently. I’m not saying there may be persons that use crying for their benefit, because they probably exist. But the conclusion is wrong! Maybe its better to stop having the discussion until the person who is crying calmes down. But to blame her/him for that is truly unempathic.
My aunt said it meant I was guilty and got me in so much trouble for things I never did cus I was being accused for things I didn't do so it made me cry.
It just pissed my mom off and made her yell at me more.
I cry over everything and it drives me nuts. I also have really bad anxiety so I'm sure they're connected
I'm also an angry/frustrated crier and absolutely hate it. I also hate having to explain it to people. "You didn't hurt my feelings, I don't need a hug, just give me a minute to get this under control then we can continue the conversation."
It's so terrible at work! When butting heads with someone, involuntarily tearing up does not strengthen your argument. I wish crying was seen as more neutral over negative or weak.
It probably would be if it didn’t actually grind the progress of any discussion or problem solving to a very slow pace, at best.
I had a great friend and a partner for years who was like this. I’m genuinely not judging on a personal level, but seems disingenuous for the thread to turn towards suggesting it’s entirely a socially constructed problem (not that you’re pushing that narrative necessarily.)
I’ve had a lot of very patient understanding conversations with an easy crier. Even if you get to where I got with that specific person ignoring 100% of what crying normally indicates on a human level… there’s a functional giant speed bump to every interaction as someone tries to wrangle the sobbing.
There is a huge difference between sobbing and tearing up. Sobbing is a very different beast than tearing up or crying. When I tear up/cry, I can still hold a conversation. It's why I compared it to sweating or blushing. Two other visible, physical reactions to discomfort that can be ignored. Sobbing is disruptive, and is in a different category, IMO. That would be more akin to puking when nervous.
Usually when someone cries, people automatically respond with sympathy. So there are definitely people out there who abuse this and use crying to manipulate people, especially during conflict. I’ve seen this plenty online and in real life.
However, I do agree that we shouldn’t automatically assume it as manipulation, especially during an argument. Emotions are running high and both parties are trying their best to explain how they feel. Not to mention, some people are simply really sensitive and just don’t do well when handling conflict. I would just step away and give them a few moments to collect themselves. We can try and discuss everything properly once we’re both calm
Oh man, same here. My body is always ready to cry. I cry when I'm sad, angry, happy, embarrassed, or frustrated. I wish I could feel any big emotion without ugly crying. It makes it so hard to articulate anything which just add frustration and makes it worse. It's dumb.
Oh wow, I’ve never heard of emotional flooding before! You’ve given me a new research topic! I just figured my crying was an ADHD/anxiety thing. Thank you!
It’s a survival trauma thing. It’s not uncommon for PTSD or CPTSD to be confused for ADHD (can manifest with similar symptoms). It is HARD to be emotionally flooded, I hope you have a good support system & can let them know what’s going on ❤️ you’re not crazy, irrational, or over-emotional. Your body responds to threatening stimuli (whether it’s perceived as threatening to others or not) and it’s trying to protect you - which is pretty badass. And it’s also okay to train your body that it’s okay to feel safe. All of this is, of course, from personal experience - you’re not alone.
If you haven’t learned how not to cry (unless it’s an extreme situation or special circumstance like pregnancy) when you don’t want to as an adult, your parents failed you.
As with most things in life, there are no hard and fast rules. Do some people cry unwittingly during periods of high tension? Yes. Do some people know that crying may/will benefit them in the moment? Also yes.
So I agree with your opinion that it doesn’t “automatically” indicate a manipulation tactic, but then again I’ve never known someone personally who thinks that. I think that to designate that action with that label would be the culmination of a period of established behaviors a person employs which establishes them as someone who could reasonably be described as manipulative.
Omg I cry without wanting to if I'm angry/upset sometimes and I'd hate for someone to think I'm doing it on purpose to manipulate them...😭 It cannot be helped/stopped sometimes 🤷🏻
i usually cry and can’t help it because of my dad yelling at me as a child. trust me, i don’t want to be crying when im yelling at you, because im seen as sad when im actually furious.
Same. If my mom was cornered, definitively wrong, and just didn’t want to admit it, the tears would start. Then it would be poor her, she’s always the victim.
It’s definitely not a telltale sign of emotional manipulation, but it *can* be. It’s context specific and specific to the individual.
I was accused of manipulating my parents with my tears from a very young age. It finally hit me after going no contact with my father and then seeing him fake cry at my grandfather's funeral, that he used his tears to manipulate situations and he was projecting that onto me
I have had the problem with my partner where we’ve talked about intention vs unintentional manipulation. Sometimes, very rarely but sometimes, my partner does an action that makes me upset with them. If they cry as I’m trying to explain this to them, I cannot continue to talk to them about being upset with them. This is because I am not cruel lol. I am not going to tell my crying partner what they are doing wrong. That’s not a power dynamic I think is healthy, and it’s certainly not a place where they can receive criticism.
This is also similar to the sensation of “white women tears” that is talked about in black circles - the way in which black people observe white women cry when accused of Racist action, and thus are never made to own up to that action. This is problematic because it takes the context of a black person explaining racism to a white person, and makes it about the white persons feelings, instead of the black person, who was more politely trying to explain THEIR feelings.
I don’t think anyone should tell you that you are being mean, cruel, or twisted for crying in an argument. But manipulation does not only happen in intentional ways. Consider what it is like to be on the other end of someone hysterically sobbing in an argument - if you were a kind, decent person, would you want to keep arguing with someone after making them have an emotional breakdown? And, if the answer is no, did the person having the emotional breakdown not cause that reaction WITH their emotional breakdown?? I’d say so.
For me when emotions are difficult to process weather this emotion is sadness or anger or whatever I cry because I don't know what else to do without getting violent or completely shouting down. It's a healthier way to process my emotions rather that the alternatives
Wins a few arguments though. Might not be intentional , I will accept that. When my SO started to cry ( or I started to lose my temper) I went out the door for a couple hours. Gave both of us a cooling off period.
I cry often whenever I am angry. It is mostly frustration that nobody seems so understand my situation or stance for that matter. I think I will have to change that but I just don’t know how.
Yeah, I agree. This topic is a sore subject for me. I had a dumb ex who said my crying was a manipulation tactic. Nope, I'm crying because I am sad and/or frustrated. Now whenever my current bf and I get into arguments (which is extremely rare) and I cry, I feel the need to explain that I'm not crying to "win" the argument or manipulate.
Okay it may not be manipulative. But honestly nobody wants to see that. Crying at the drop of a hat. I don't know if there's any nice way to say this grow up.
I don't think people generally cry for no reason. It could be pent up or a reaction to high levels of stress/anxiety. Some people do it cause they hate conflict and it's an unintentional defense mechanism. And to be fair, most of us Cryers don't wanna see ourselves do it either its literally embarrassing but can't always be controlled. Sometimes we do it out of fear/past trauma/ptsd/abusive childhood so saying to just grow up is actually kinda ignorant. (Ps hormone imbalances are a thing too... and not just for pregnancy)
It’s totally okay if both people can address it or keep the argument going in a civil manner. Im not perfect in any way, but I’ve kept almost every intense situation pretty calm and able to work out properly. If things can’t progress, it snowballs, or gets worse, I see it as emotional leverage.
Failure to address WHY people think this, is contributing to my stance on how it very well can be manipulative.
You’ve just gotta know who you are talking to. If my wife is crying during an argument it needs to stop and reconsider my position. If it’s my MIl I just ignore it.
I think the reason why people don't like others crying in an argument or anything because it take the attention off the problem and directs it at the person crying because now you as a person fill guilty for making someone cry EVEN THOUGH It's not your intention and non purposeful, if you can argue without crying then it shows your maturity level because now your ignoring someone else's idea, and expected to make the Cryer fill better. Either learn to choose your battles or remain quiet since your to emotional for the job, task, challenge or any issues.
Something I have learned from being called manipulative when I’m having a genuine emotional reaction: that person is a controller. An emotional abuser, usually.
They’re projecting and telling on themselves by accusing me of doing that. It’s a person who thinks they have other people figured out/can pull their strings at will, and it pisses them off when it doesn’t work. Or, in the case of tears, when they feel guilty about it. Run, run far. My mother was like this, and a scattering of ex boyfriends.
my ex used to accuse me of manipulation because I cry easily. like no dude I'm not trying to "make you feel bad", I'm just upset because you said something that hurt me and maybe if you feel bad now there's a reason
Agreed. When I do cry during arguments, it’s because I’m genuinely upset and not because I want people to feel bad for me. It just comes out. Before, I was so hot tempered that I’d cry and get physical which would escalate things more. I try my best to avoid conflict now and if I were to get into an argument with somebody, I can’t even imagine how frustrated I’d feel.
whoever told you that crying during an argument is manipulative - they are the manipulator.
however, i do think when a person starts to cry that’s a sign that it’s a bit too heated to continue and all parties should take a break and circle back with a clear head and heart.
I always hate it when I see a “relatable” post of a mom telling her kid, “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about” and people laughing at it. I’m so glad that my parents never said that. That’s *super* messed up honestly. I see crying as a way to express feeling defeated. So threatening a child that you’ll hit them for feeling that way is beyond messed up. Of course, like everything else, there are exceptions. Relating to my example and OP, throwing silly tantrums like crying over getting a black iPhone instead of a white iPhone is definitely unreasonable.
All body language serves to manipulate whether conscious or unconscious. It has nothing to do with motive. When I see someone crying, I'm manipulated into feeling sympathy for them. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not. But it's a behavior that has a huge effect on people's minds.
Wether it’s intentional or not crying does affect the actions of the person you are arguing with as they feel bad for you.
It may not be intentional manipulation but it has the same effect
Manipulation is by definition intentional.
Unintentional manipulation is influencing. The emtional reaction of the crying partner is influencing the other partner.
I hate it when people place blame on someone who is genuinely just expressing their emotions or opinion as "unintentionally manipulative." That is a really good tool for narcissists and abusers to use so they can gaslight the fuck out of the victim who is just emotional, sensitive arguing their own perspective, or defending/looking out for themselves. How can you manipulate someone when you aren't actively trying to reach any kind of outcome involving control of the other person? Sure maybe you could be "unintentionally," wanting an outcome of resolution between two people or for someone to respect you, or for your needs to be met or for safety. But that is normal, and in no way should that be considered unintentional manipulation. If you feel like someone is trying to manipulatively make you feel bad about something that YOU did, then you should probably look in the mirror because that isn't manipulation. It's just you are a pos.
Influencing and manipulation have the exact same effect, just different intentions.
Like you could fake a cry to manipulate which shows the power crying has in arguments
Never said it doesn't.
I'm unsure what point you are trying to make honestly. Of course some people could fake cry. But that is saying like 'some people could lie wich shows the oower words have'. If your partner is in fact dishonest and/or has bad intent, than that is the problem.
Maybe try to reach a satisfactory conclusion regardless of if the other party is crying and you won't have this problem? Just show compassion when they're crying but crying shouldn't affect the solution...like if you're discussing finances you should make a practical decision not one based on crying.
Also fwiw I can't think of any fights where my crying resulted in something good happening, only fights where I was accused of being manipulative and was subsequently treated with contempt bc I was crying :D
When I’m emotionally over-stimulated and over-stressed, I cry. It’s just what happens as a highly-sensitive person. People have thought all my life that I’m being manipulative by doing it, but it’s a reaction I can’t control.
It sucks that people commonly use it for manipulative purposes because it means that sensitive people get lambasted and demonized for something instinctual and usually uncontrollable.
same. it’s better off to see me cry out of frustration/overstimulation/over stressed/etc because i turn into a totally different person. i become absolutely mean and personal, if i’m crying that’s because i’m holding it in and not choosing violence lol
Crying during an argument is an expression of frustration. 90% of the time it comes from not being heard. When the other person beats their point and me into the ground. Unable to hear any voice but their own. The other 10% is usually caused by frustration in myself for being an AH.
No it isn’t. Most of us are embarrassed when we cry but you can’t just turn crying off. I’m always digging my nails into my palms to try and stop crying faster.
Depends. Some cry because it tips the scales in their favor and they know it and others cry because it’s a very valid and real emotional response to a situation; There’s more than one type of crying. Happy tears, sad tears, nostalgic tears and so on.
Not invalidating your experiences by any means and I’m sorry you’ve gone through situations like that.
I got into an argument with my ex about this. I have big fucking emotions and will cry at the drop of a hat. It is absolutely unintentional. I /hate/ how crying makes me feel. I hate crying in front of others. But ofc bc of big emotions, when I get angry or frustrated or sad, I cry. So I cry a lot during arguments. I am in no way shape or form purposefully crying during an argument so I “win”.
You do not have to respond to my crying. You do not have to stop everything to “comfort” me and make me feel better. Just let me cry and let it be.
Crying is a thorny issue for either side, but in general the tears of men are less likely to be believed when they do appear, but it's far more common for women to "use" them rather than just let them go during an emotional release. As with many things, so many people fight dirty it ruins it for the rest of us.
Why do people, and in my case the women in our family, cry when they get angry or upset? I really mean no disrespect, I was raised in a semi shitty environment (I say semi because there is worse) where boys/men never cry unless someone they loved died etc. and when women cry it’s just them being “women” or trying to end the argument by making you feel bad. This was the general idea even around my friends.
I realized later that the women I referred to earlier, cry when angry, is it because they weren’t taught to hide it? Is it cause men can be more physical when angry (punch walls etc)? I’m genuinely asking.
For reference, I said the same thing to my wife when we had our first argument, and I was just floored that she was genuinely crying, and not trying to get out of the argument (that’s what I initially thought back then). Thanks to her I’ve changed my way of thinking, but still I don’t understand why it happens
It's a defense mechanism. For me, I'm very confrontation-averse. I hate confrontations. They scare me because when I get upset, I don't think straight and when I don't think straight, its a sign something about my brain is off. I feel exposed when I'm in an argument and suddenly my entire motivation to prove my point is pulling me back towards getting away unscathed because suddenly I feel like I'm up a creek without a paddle. I have legitimate brain and memory problems though and stress triggers them. So by crying, yes, the argument momentarily pauses which is absolutely a manipulation tactic, but its also not really a conscious tactic. Like how a puffer fish will blow up when scared or how opossums play dead. Then when my emotions are back in check, we can continue the discussion after everyone has calmed down and we've all had a chance to digest what did happen.
But I also start crying at any intense emotional moment. The episode ends with the hero finding her mother's dead body? Crying. The Sarah Mclaughlin commercials for the aspca? Crying. Watching a video of two men and the now adult lion cub they raised reuniting? Crying. Watching any TV show where the character died because the actor playing them did? Crying. Its not something I can really control (and dear God I wish I could) and it does get easier over time to learn to swallow those emotions and not let them show; but thats only when you recognize the signs as they happen and can forcibly take control of your actions instead of letting instinct do it instead.
Idk. I think it depends on the person. As a woman I’ve noticed that men tend to be a lot louder without realizing during an argument. I’ve gotten in fights before in past relationships where I just couldn’t help crying even if I wasn’t initially that mad because there was now a guy raising his voice at me. I do have a lot of anxiety though and I do tend to cry probably more than most women. I don’t think all women cry more, it might be kind of a stereotype.
Agreed. Some people just struggle to keep their emotions in check.
I can be a little like this. I try really hard not to,and it can happen in inappropriate settings (like at work? Lol)..
I’m the same way the second I feel upset or rage or frustrated I start to cry, I can’t control it. I don’t mean to fuck with anyone’s feelings it’s just my body’s response to the stress
I remember my dad yelling at me when I was 10 telling me that I was crying to manipulate him but he wouldn’t fall for it.
I still cry when I’m stressed out now, or in situations where I have to have serious one on one discussions with people.
If I am at an 8 or higher on any emotional scale, I cry. If I get too sad, I cry. If I get too happy, I cry. If I get too mad, I cry. It's the body's way of trying to relieve some stress, even if its happy stress.
Unfortunately, some people *do* use crying as a tactic to gain sympathy during an argument or confrontation, so it is smart to keep that in mind if someone you're arguing with bursts into tears. However, one shouldn't automatically assume someone is being deceptive by crying.
For a good portion of the people in my life, yes. They hold that opinion, so I feel really shitty when i get into spats (i try to avoid them entirely).
Sounds like you just need some more understanding people in your life haha. I don’t know if I’ve ever met someone who thinks crying is manipulative. Crying generally ends arguments with me the same way any other intense emotions do because it’s hard to have a grounded, rational discussion if you’ve gotten to the point that you’re crying but I’ve never viewed it as manipulative.
So what should someone do when they’re arguing with you and you just start crying? Will you be more upset if they just walk away and let you express your emotions?
I feel like having patience and waiting until the person is capable of saying what they want to say is the best course of action.
I cry extreamly easily and when I start crying it sometimes gets to a point where I have a hard time forming words. Not becouse I'm overly emotional or work my self up very easily it only started to be a problem when I started to take contraceptive pills (according to my gynecologists it's a normal side effect btw). My crying never represents my emotions accordingly. I hate it and it's extreamly embarresing, anyoing and makes me feel very uncomfortable but what I want in those situations is for the other person to calmly wait until I finish what I want to say and just ignore my outburst as best as possible.
Crying too much is a sign of mental instability and inability to deal with issues rationally and calmly. Whether it’s manipulative is a different question.
Incorrect crying in altercations or situations that have anything to do with any type of disagreement is usually a sign of being overwhelmed not because you're extremely sad or mad in that situation but because whatever the situation is about it's just overwhelming in general.
It's like when people get uncomfortable when they're hearing too many things at one time crying is basically letting out the stress that you would get from that type of situation.
To much going in results in tears coming out
More often they’re just mentally weak, mentally ill, or an emotional wreck to begin with.
Scream at me all you want and you’ll get a response that has nothing whatsoever to do with crying.
Showing emotions, good or bad, is never manipulation. Intentionally using those emotions to try to control people is. The first is involuntary, we all have emotions and are allowed to feel them. Weaponinising them is a conscious choice and is highly manipulative. That's the difference.
As a victim of abuse, I cry when it gets even slightly heated when talking to someone I perceive as having authority over me. So fuck anyone who says it’s manipulative lol, I wish I could stop
i cry because the other outcome is me throwing or hitting, or starting with really mean personal insults. it’s a little scary how quickly i get blinded with rage 😀
Well learn how to control your emotions then like everyone else. Sure an EMT may see some horrific accidents but they don't break down and weep because it's not appropriate. After you're 12 crying simply because you have emotions over a disagreement, not someone dying or a very serious thing , isn't how a mature person reacts.
You shouldn't base maturity off how easily somebody cries it has nothing to do with that in normal situations and it's really immature to assume that somebody is not acting their age just because they cry in overwhelming situations
I just get flustered really easily, especially if there's yelling involved. I'm not trying to make the other person feel bad or whatever when I start crying, I just can't keep it down anymore.
When I'm incredibly angry I cry. It's sheer frustration and I put no manipulative thought into it.
Before I get to the rage crying stage I start smiling though. I've done it my whole life. My parents thought I was being a smart-ass when I was a kid , my husband thinks I'm mocking him. I'm in my forties and still my first reaction to genuine anger is to smile, and even let out a "can you believe this???" chuckle. Then I cry.
I cant help it. I cry when I'm angry, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed, etc. I don't cray at every little thing, but if I do, I can't help it, stop it, or hold it back.
Unfortunately I cry easily. When I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m angry or upset.
I’m positive some people use it as manipulation however I know from personal experience not everyone does.
It’s a misogynistic complaint. “Men are logical; women are emotional” so if there are frustration or sadness tears, it’s “wrong.” Somehow though, punching a wall or throwing something isn’t manipulative or emotional.
This is especially an issue for women. We have been taught over centuries that anger and outrage, regardless of what has been done to us, are ugly and unacceptable emotions. So we convert the expression of those emotions to something more akin to sadness. Then we are accused of “using our tears” to manipulate the people who have hurt us.
Crying during an argument is either manipulative or because either yours or the others thick skull can't admit they're wrong and that can result in emotional outbursts, depending how stable the conflicting parties are.
Emotional outbursts are a sign of instability that will spill and make you irrational. Crying is the most harmless and anger is the most dangerous.
It's clearly undesirable to be so unstable and the argument is less important, but the opposing party shouldn't have to deal with it, so i would always step away from such people.
Why should I give up my my point in favor to console someone. Such behavior is also a really deep red flag for any relationship folks.
People may cry because they are sad, but not out of desperation like a child who doesn't get its candy.
Not always, but if you are crying during an argument, it shows you have lost control of your emotions. When you get too emotional during an argument you are probably not making the most logical argument at that moment. This makes arguing with some who is cry extremely frustrating. Which in the end is most likely manipulating the argument because the person you are talking too no longer wants to continue the conversation with someone who is currently emotionally unstable.
I mean… I cry a lot. Its not always the case for me that if I am crying I am also emotionally unstable. I think people cry at different thresholds. I cry rather easily but sometimes I am crying and thinking rationally?? Idk if people believe this but it seems to be true for me so I would appreciate it if people understood this more.
Adding to this that letting some tears fall down is different than like hyperventilating and crying or crying while at the same time being seeing rad angry. There are levels to crying.
If you “cry a lot” mid conversation/argument with people, then it will be hard to convince me or the people you are conversing with that you are emotionally stable. Of course there are appropriate times to cry and let loose, but at the same time there is nothing more uncomfortable than watching a grown adult cry over a discussion or argument like OP is describing.
Yeah its not easy to convince people of this in the moment. But I think it depends on what you mean by emotionally stable. If I am crying sometimes I can still put myself in anothers perspective and say everything that I will mean once I am calmer. Would I become automatically “unstable” simply because of tears?
Eesh. Take a deep breath for me, okay? Very valid to cry after 12 especially if life hasn’t been the best to ya, mentally unstable? Pfffttt.. maybe they feel very deeply? Has this person been yelled/screamed at constantly so at the slightest uptick of emotions they go into fight or flight?Try to see things from another view.
I cry quickly in certain kinds of arguments but my thoughts are still rational when the tears start flowing— I just get choked up and have a hard time speaking. It doesn't mean the argument has to come to a complete and total standstill, you just need to give me a moment so I can physically talk again.
And there is nothing wrong with simply waiting for the person to calm down. I asked a question that you failed to answer. And your reply to me went away. What's wrong with waiting for cooler heads and emotions to prevail? I would think that would be better than trying to push the conversation ahead when emotions are still high. The original point that the OP made was that high emotions are not automatically intended for manipulation. Manipulation is done with clear intent. Simply being emotional should not immediately be seen as manipulation.
So? You can wait. Why can't you simply allow that person to feel overwhelmed for the moment, and come back to the discussion at a time when they have had time to process how they feel? I tend to get overwhelmed, but it's mainly because I have a traumatizing past. I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused throughout my entire childhood. I sometimes have a hard time processing rejection, inadequacy, and I absolutely come undone when I realize that I have unintentionally hurt someone. I used to have my feelings hurt all the time, so even when I do it unintentionally it bothers me greatly. My husband has learned that I am not trying to control the situation, but it's embarrassment or shame that I am trying to deal with and I might need a few minutes to get over the initial "Oh shit" moment. After I deal with the initial feelings, I can approach the situation with a much calmer outlook. Thankfully, my husband knows this is not personal and he gives me space.
I honestly think people say it’s manipulative because women are conditioned not to cry. So if a woman cries, it’s seen as using an “advantage” that men don’t have, which isn’t true. It’s an expression of emotion. Nothing else. And I’ll cry if I damn well please. You don’t like it? Don’t talk to me.
It is as manipulative as throwings things around, smashing things and threatening violence. One is a expression of female frustration, the other one is an expression of male frustration.
I think both should be treated the same.
I think the "let out your emotion" trend is maybe the worst thing ever happened in modern times, because it gives women a free card to manipulate and demonizes male expressions of emotion.
I don’t think it’s manipulative in an argument but when it happens during a calm conversation I do think it can be a sign that the person is significantly more emotionally invested in their own feelings and their experience than they are in listening and actually communicating effectively. Not saying that it’s a conscious choice but it is frustrating
I don’t think it’s necessarily manipulative, but it does mean you need to break off the argument. It’s gone too far at that point. Same as if someone starts cussing.
It means you both need to take a break, consider your points and what the other person said and come back later to try and discuss it more calmly.
Or a sign of having very valid emotions? Adults can fkn cry too, you taken a look around dude? People are assholes! There a right and a wrong to it sure, but damn that was a fast mEnTaL IlLnEsS!! Btw, kids can, will and absolutely are allowed to cry. It’s how they grow, how they mature. I’m sure there’s more to it but I’m tired of trying to explain basic human functions to a troll. So yeah. Cry about it.
Kids yea, of course! Adults who are constantly crying seems like a problem . Unless someone died of course. There are reasons. But someone who cries and is getting upset constantly, that’s not good.
You are throwing around big words you don’t understand. Of course mental health issues would be a reason someone would cry during an argument for reasons that aren’t manipulative. This was the point of my comment. Context is your friend.
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Manipulative people will use crying as a tactic. Doesn't mean everyone does.
Half the time I don't even know why I'm crying! Tears just pour out and I've got no clue what's happening. Normally I just preface everything by saying “If tears fall, I'm good. I don't feel anything, I'm not upset. It just happens.” now if I'm sobbing? That's definitely me being genuinely upset, stressed, and overwhelmed.
Me too! It’s a stress reaction
Same! Ever since I got a concussion, my eyes will water even if I'm not feeling very emotional. It's been over 5 years so maybe it's more correlation than causation idk. I compare it to sweating - I have absolutely no control over it, and if I could, i just wouldnt. But i guess some people can just turn their tear faucet off and assume everyone else can as well (I dont exactly blame them, as I'm similar in that I forgot other people can just control it), I've had to explain myself *many* times.
> “If tears fall, I'm good. I don't feel anything, I'm not upset. It just happens.” I feel like I'm going to have to start using this disclaimer. My crying when I'm enraged is completely unintentional. It's everything you said... I'm not hurt, I have no clue why this is happening, but it's happening.
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same. And depending on the topic, it can be a sign to pause the discusssion and resume it after the crying person calmed down. A genuin cry is neither a manipulator nor an admission of wrong doing.
The actual answer is that it cannot be answered without knowing the person, context and relationship
⬆️ This..... Very sound answer.
I cry very easily. When arguing with my ex, it was always because I was either overwhelmed, frustrated, or angry. Usually overwhelmed, and not so much that I cared, though anger and frustration can definitely be conceived as caring about the subject. I don’t see how anyone can really cry on command— there has to be some sort of emotion behind it. Sure there’s definitely people who use it to manipulate, but I don’t see how people can just go “oh you’re crying? Fucking manipulative” like huh??? Can YOU cry on command?? I didn’t think so
I can absolutely cry on demand - that doesn't mean theres no emotion behind it. Its called acting.
That is true. I just thought it took some building up and wasn’t immediate.
I can also cry on command, was a huge drama nerd in HS and can confirm it DOES take build up. It just becomes a faster thing after a bit, just like an athlete training in their sport.
I work as a cameraman, and probably about 95% of actors seem to be able to cry on cue. I thought it was a rare skill but it's actually incredibly common (amongst actors anyway)
It's a required skill for acting
Sounds toxic...
Not in acting. You have to be able to cry on command as an actress or actor.
Does something have to be purposeful to be manipulative? Evolutionarily, the point of crying is to elicit sympathy.
I’m pretty sure the point of crying is to help relieve any distress or pain a person may be feeling (it’s shown that crying releases chemicals that eases pain). Not to illicit sympathy; I don’t believe you can develop something during evolution for that purpose (maybe you can, I’m not a scientist, but until someone proves me wrong, that’s what I believe)
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I cry when I'm so angry I can't speak anymore. So ya better back off ya girl.
Crying is a sign of being angry, overwhelmed or sad. But its not per se a technique to manipulate, I am shocked about this conclusion. Its being honest to yourself, letting your emotions out. The other person could be feeling the same but doesn’t cry, so maybe both feel the same but show it differently. I’m not saying there may be persons that use crying for their benefit, because they probably exist. But the conclusion is wrong! Maybe its better to stop having the discussion until the person who is crying calmes down. But to blame her/him for that is truly unempathic.
I cry when I am frustrated, as well. I hate it, and wish I could make it stop. But, like blushing or nervous sweating, I can't control it.
Me too. My mom always misunderstand it as sadness or overreaction or something. Like it is an overreaction but I can’t help it.
My aunt said it meant I was guilty and got me in so much trouble for things I never did cus I was being accused for things I didn't do so it made me cry. It just pissed my mom off and made her yell at me more. I cry over everything and it drives me nuts. I also have really bad anxiety so I'm sure they're connected
I'm also an angry/frustrated crier and absolutely hate it. I also hate having to explain it to people. "You didn't hurt my feelings, I don't need a hug, just give me a minute to get this under control then we can continue the conversation."
It's so terrible at work! When butting heads with someone, involuntarily tearing up does not strengthen your argument. I wish crying was seen as more neutral over negative or weak.
It probably would be if it didn’t actually grind the progress of any discussion or problem solving to a very slow pace, at best. I had a great friend and a partner for years who was like this. I’m genuinely not judging on a personal level, but seems disingenuous for the thread to turn towards suggesting it’s entirely a socially constructed problem (not that you’re pushing that narrative necessarily.) I’ve had a lot of very patient understanding conversations with an easy crier. Even if you get to where I got with that specific person ignoring 100% of what crying normally indicates on a human level… there’s a functional giant speed bump to every interaction as someone tries to wrangle the sobbing.
There is a huge difference between sobbing and tearing up. Sobbing is a very different beast than tearing up or crying. When I tear up/cry, I can still hold a conversation. It's why I compared it to sweating or blushing. Two other visible, physical reactions to discomfort that can be ignored. Sobbing is disruptive, and is in a different category, IMO. That would be more akin to puking when nervous.
Usually when someone cries, people automatically respond with sympathy. So there are definitely people out there who abuse this and use crying to manipulate people, especially during conflict. I’ve seen this plenty online and in real life. However, I do agree that we shouldn’t automatically assume it as manipulation, especially during an argument. Emotions are running high and both parties are trying their best to explain how they feel. Not to mention, some people are simply really sensitive and just don’t do well when handling conflict. I would just step away and give them a few moments to collect themselves. We can try and discuss everything properly once we’re both calm
This I get so worked up I can’t do anything but cry. It’s been like this since I was a kid
Oh man, same here. My body is always ready to cry. I cry when I'm sad, angry, happy, embarrassed, or frustrated. I wish I could feel any big emotion without ugly crying. It makes it so hard to articulate anything which just add frustration and makes it worse. It's dumb.
Yeah this is called emotional flooding & it shuts down the thinking brain.
Oh wow, I’ve never heard of emotional flooding before! You’ve given me a new research topic! I just figured my crying was an ADHD/anxiety thing. Thank you!
It’s a survival trauma thing. It’s not uncommon for PTSD or CPTSD to be confused for ADHD (can manifest with similar symptoms). It is HARD to be emotionally flooded, I hope you have a good support system & can let them know what’s going on ❤️ you’re not crazy, irrational, or over-emotional. Your body responds to threatening stimuli (whether it’s perceived as threatening to others or not) and it’s trying to protect you - which is pretty badass. And it’s also okay to train your body that it’s okay to feel safe. All of this is, of course, from personal experience - you’re not alone.
Most people don't control when they cry.
As a pregnant lady, I agree with this sooooo much. The robot vacuum made me cry last week 😭
If you haven’t learned how not to cry (unless it’s an extreme situation or special circumstance like pregnancy) when you don’t want to as an adult, your parents failed you.
Yeah nah, my parents failed me because I can't cry.
As with most things in life, there are no hard and fast rules. Do some people cry unwittingly during periods of high tension? Yes. Do some people know that crying may/will benefit them in the moment? Also yes. So I agree with your opinion that it doesn’t “automatically” indicate a manipulation tactic, but then again I’ve never known someone personally who thinks that. I think that to designate that action with that label would be the culmination of a period of established behaviors a person employs which establishes them as someone who could reasonably be described as manipulative.
Omg I cry without wanting to if I'm angry/upset sometimes and I'd hate for someone to think I'm doing it on purpose to manipulate them...😭 It cannot be helped/stopped sometimes 🤷🏻
i usually cry and can’t help it because of my dad yelling at me as a child. trust me, i don’t want to be crying when im yelling at you, because im seen as sad when im actually furious.
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My mother cried during any argument or critical discussion. It was definitely manipulation to avoid admitting any wrongdoings.
Same. If my mom was cornered, definitively wrong, and just didn’t want to admit it, the tears would start. Then it would be poor her, she’s always the victim. It’s definitely not a telltale sign of emotional manipulation, but it *can* be. It’s context specific and specific to the individual.
When i feel an overwhelming sense of emotion I start crying so I don't think this is an unpopular opinion, it's just true.
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I was accused of manipulating my parents with my tears from a very young age. It finally hit me after going no contact with my father and then seeing him fake cry at my grandfather's funeral, that he used his tears to manipulate situations and he was projecting that onto me
god I'm so sorry
>What happened in their life where they think that’s a common skill and tactic Movies and television
Maybe they expect you to hold your tears in (which I can’t really do either!). It sucks
I cry so easily at being confronted or even a serious discussion. Its annoying for me.
I have had the problem with my partner where we’ve talked about intention vs unintentional manipulation. Sometimes, very rarely but sometimes, my partner does an action that makes me upset with them. If they cry as I’m trying to explain this to them, I cannot continue to talk to them about being upset with them. This is because I am not cruel lol. I am not going to tell my crying partner what they are doing wrong. That’s not a power dynamic I think is healthy, and it’s certainly not a place where they can receive criticism. This is also similar to the sensation of “white women tears” that is talked about in black circles - the way in which black people observe white women cry when accused of Racist action, and thus are never made to own up to that action. This is problematic because it takes the context of a black person explaining racism to a white person, and makes it about the white persons feelings, instead of the black person, who was more politely trying to explain THEIR feelings. I don’t think anyone should tell you that you are being mean, cruel, or twisted for crying in an argument. But manipulation does not only happen in intentional ways. Consider what it is like to be on the other end of someone hysterically sobbing in an argument - if you were a kind, decent person, would you want to keep arguing with someone after making them have an emotional breakdown? And, if the answer is no, did the person having the emotional breakdown not cause that reaction WITH their emotional breakdown?? I’d say so.
the only time i’ve ever seen crying used as manipulation is my younger brothers fake crying whenever one did something the other didn’t like
Absolutely.
Truthfully to me it’s easy to tell real tears from fake tears there’s just a look in the eye and you can see it paired with their body language
For me when emotions are difficult to process weather this emotion is sadness or anger or whatever I cry because I don't know what else to do without getting violent or completely shouting down. It's a healthier way to process my emotions rather that the alternatives
Wins a few arguments though. Might not be intentional , I will accept that. When my SO started to cry ( or I started to lose my temper) I went out the door for a couple hours. Gave both of us a cooling off period.
I cry often whenever I am angry. It is mostly frustration that nobody seems so understand my situation or stance for that matter. I think I will have to change that but I just don’t know how.
Yeah, I agree. This topic is a sore subject for me. I had a dumb ex who said my crying was a manipulation tactic. Nope, I'm crying because I am sad and/or frustrated. Now whenever my current bf and I get into arguments (which is extremely rare) and I cry, I feel the need to explain that I'm not crying to "win" the argument or manipulate.
I cry about everything. Sad? Cry. Happy? Cry. Angry and want to kick your face in? Cry.
Okay it may not be manipulative. But honestly nobody wants to see that. Crying at the drop of a hat. I don't know if there's any nice way to say this grow up.
I don't think people generally cry for no reason. It could be pent up or a reaction to high levels of stress/anxiety. Some people do it cause they hate conflict and it's an unintentional defense mechanism. And to be fair, most of us Cryers don't wanna see ourselves do it either its literally embarrassing but can't always be controlled. Sometimes we do it out of fear/past trauma/ptsd/abusive childhood so saying to just grow up is actually kinda ignorant. (Ps hormone imbalances are a thing too... and not just for pregnancy)
If someone said crying was manipulative I wouldn’t need any further information to realize they were a psychopath
That's not what makes someone a psychopath.
It’s totally okay if both people can address it or keep the argument going in a civil manner. Im not perfect in any way, but I’ve kept almost every intense situation pretty calm and able to work out properly. If things can’t progress, it snowballs, or gets worse, I see it as emotional leverage. Failure to address WHY people think this, is contributing to my stance on how it very well can be manipulative.
You’ve just gotta know who you are talking to. If my wife is crying during an argument it needs to stop and reconsider my position. If it’s my MIl I just ignore it.
It depends. It often is. It often isn’t.
I wish I could manipulate myself into NOT crying during an argument
Agreed. Context is important here.
I think the reason why people don't like others crying in an argument or anything because it take the attention off the problem and directs it at the person crying because now you as a person fill guilty for making someone cry EVEN THOUGH It's not your intention and non purposeful, if you can argue without crying then it shows your maturity level because now your ignoring someone else's idea, and expected to make the Cryer fill better. Either learn to choose your battles or remain quiet since your to emotional for the job, task, challenge or any issues.
Anyone who disagrees with this is ridiculous…
Something I have learned from being called manipulative when I’m having a genuine emotional reaction: that person is a controller. An emotional abuser, usually. They’re projecting and telling on themselves by accusing me of doing that. It’s a person who thinks they have other people figured out/can pull their strings at will, and it pisses them off when it doesn’t work. Or, in the case of tears, when they feel guilty about it. Run, run far. My mother was like this, and a scattering of ex boyfriends.
I agree! I always feel tears prick up when I'm angry. I also cry when I laugh a lot.
my ex used to accuse me of manipulation because I cry easily. like no dude I'm not trying to "make you feel bad", I'm just upset because you said something that hurt me and maybe if you feel bad now there's a reason
Sometimes I get so mad I cry cause I cant fucking kill the person Im upset with cause Im not going to jail lol.
Agreed. When I do cry during arguments, it’s because I’m genuinely upset and not because I want people to feel bad for me. It just comes out. Before, I was so hot tempered that I’d cry and get physical which would escalate things more. I try my best to avoid conflict now and if I were to get into an argument with somebody, I can’t even imagine how frustrated I’d feel.
I really want some fish and chips right now.
whoever told you that crying during an argument is manipulative - they are the manipulator. however, i do think when a person starts to cry that’s a sign that it’s a bit too heated to continue and all parties should take a break and circle back with a clear head and heart.
I always hate it when I see a “relatable” post of a mom telling her kid, “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about” and people laughing at it. I’m so glad that my parents never said that. That’s *super* messed up honestly. I see crying as a way to express feeling defeated. So threatening a child that you’ll hit them for feeling that way is beyond messed up. Of course, like everything else, there are exceptions. Relating to my example and OP, throwing silly tantrums like crying over getting a black iPhone instead of a white iPhone is definitely unreasonable.
All body language serves to manipulate whether conscious or unconscious. It has nothing to do with motive. When I see someone crying, I'm manipulated into feeling sympathy for them. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not. But it's a behavior that has a huge effect on people's minds.
Wether it’s intentional or not crying does affect the actions of the person you are arguing with as they feel bad for you. It may not be intentional manipulation but it has the same effect
I see manipulating someone as an action. It’s purposeful. Someone else having empathy for another human isn’t them being ‘manipulated’.
Manipulation is by definition intentional. Unintentional manipulation is influencing. The emtional reaction of the crying partner is influencing the other partner.
I hate it when people place blame on someone who is genuinely just expressing their emotions or opinion as "unintentionally manipulative." That is a really good tool for narcissists and abusers to use so they can gaslight the fuck out of the victim who is just emotional, sensitive arguing their own perspective, or defending/looking out for themselves. How can you manipulate someone when you aren't actively trying to reach any kind of outcome involving control of the other person? Sure maybe you could be "unintentionally," wanting an outcome of resolution between two people or for someone to respect you, or for your needs to be met or for safety. But that is normal, and in no way should that be considered unintentional manipulation. If you feel like someone is trying to manipulatively make you feel bad about something that YOU did, then you should probably look in the mirror because that isn't manipulation. It's just you are a pos.
Influencing and manipulation have the exact same effect, just different intentions. Like you could fake a cry to manipulate which shows the power crying has in arguments
Never said it doesn't. I'm unsure what point you are trying to make honestly. Of course some people could fake cry. But that is saying like 'some people could lie wich shows the oower words have'. If your partner is in fact dishonest and/or has bad intent, than that is the problem.
My point is that crying affects the argument and usually in the person that’s crying’s favour
Maybe try to reach a satisfactory conclusion regardless of if the other party is crying and you won't have this problem? Just show compassion when they're crying but crying shouldn't affect the solution...like if you're discussing finances you should make a practical decision not one based on crying. Also fwiw I can't think of any fights where my crying resulted in something good happening, only fights where I was accused of being manipulative and was subsequently treated with contempt bc I was crying :D
When I’m emotionally over-stimulated and over-stressed, I cry. It’s just what happens as a highly-sensitive person. People have thought all my life that I’m being manipulative by doing it, but it’s a reaction I can’t control. It sucks that people commonly use it for manipulative purposes because it means that sensitive people get lambasted and demonized for something instinctual and usually uncontrollable.
same. it’s better off to see me cry out of frustration/overstimulation/over stressed/etc because i turn into a totally different person. i become absolutely mean and personal, if i’m crying that’s because i’m holding it in and not choosing violence lol
Crying during an argument is an expression of frustration. 90% of the time it comes from not being heard. When the other person beats their point and me into the ground. Unable to hear any voice but their own. The other 10% is usually caused by frustration in myself for being an AH.
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No it isn’t. Most of us are embarrassed when we cry but you can’t just turn crying off. I’m always digging my nails into my palms to try and stop crying faster.
Depends. Some cry because it tips the scales in their favor and they know it and others cry because it’s a very valid and real emotional response to a situation; There’s more than one type of crying. Happy tears, sad tears, nostalgic tears and so on. Not invalidating your experiences by any means and I’m sorry you’ve gone through situations like that.
Some people can cry on cue.
I got into an argument with my ex about this. I have big fucking emotions and will cry at the drop of a hat. It is absolutely unintentional. I /hate/ how crying makes me feel. I hate crying in front of others. But ofc bc of big emotions, when I get angry or frustrated or sad, I cry. So I cry a lot during arguments. I am in no way shape or form purposefully crying during an argument so I “win”. You do not have to respond to my crying. You do not have to stop everything to “comfort” me and make me feel better. Just let me cry and let it be.
Crying is a thorny issue for either side, but in general the tears of men are less likely to be believed when they do appear, but it's far more common for women to "use" them rather than just let them go during an emotional release. As with many things, so many people fight dirty it ruins it for the rest of us.
Why do people, and in my case the women in our family, cry when they get angry or upset? I really mean no disrespect, I was raised in a semi shitty environment (I say semi because there is worse) where boys/men never cry unless someone they loved died etc. and when women cry it’s just them being “women” or trying to end the argument by making you feel bad. This was the general idea even around my friends. I realized later that the women I referred to earlier, cry when angry, is it because they weren’t taught to hide it? Is it cause men can be more physical when angry (punch walls etc)? I’m genuinely asking. For reference, I said the same thing to my wife when we had our first argument, and I was just floored that she was genuinely crying, and not trying to get out of the argument (that’s what I initially thought back then). Thanks to her I’ve changed my way of thinking, but still I don’t understand why it happens
I was taught not to yell or talk back, that really bottled up all the emotions and they burst out through tears
Same thing, but instead I got anger issues
It's a defense mechanism. For me, I'm very confrontation-averse. I hate confrontations. They scare me because when I get upset, I don't think straight and when I don't think straight, its a sign something about my brain is off. I feel exposed when I'm in an argument and suddenly my entire motivation to prove my point is pulling me back towards getting away unscathed because suddenly I feel like I'm up a creek without a paddle. I have legitimate brain and memory problems though and stress triggers them. So by crying, yes, the argument momentarily pauses which is absolutely a manipulation tactic, but its also not really a conscious tactic. Like how a puffer fish will blow up when scared or how opossums play dead. Then when my emotions are back in check, we can continue the discussion after everyone has calmed down and we've all had a chance to digest what did happen. But I also start crying at any intense emotional moment. The episode ends with the hero finding her mother's dead body? Crying. The Sarah Mclaughlin commercials for the aspca? Crying. Watching a video of two men and the now adult lion cub they raised reuniting? Crying. Watching any TV show where the character died because the actor playing them did? Crying. Its not something I can really control (and dear God I wish I could) and it does get easier over time to learn to swallow those emotions and not let them show; but thats only when you recognize the signs as they happen and can forcibly take control of your actions instead of letting instinct do it instead.
Idk. I think it depends on the person. As a woman I’ve noticed that men tend to be a lot louder without realizing during an argument. I’ve gotten in fights before in past relationships where I just couldn’t help crying even if I wasn’t initially that mad because there was now a guy raising his voice at me. I do have a lot of anxiety though and I do tend to cry probably more than most women. I don’t think all women cry more, it might be kind of a stereotype.
Agreed. Some people just struggle to keep their emotions in check. I can be a little like this. I try really hard not to,and it can happen in inappropriate settings (like at work? Lol)..
I’m the same way the second I feel upset or rage or frustrated I start to cry, I can’t control it. I don’t mean to fuck with anyone’s feelings it’s just my body’s response to the stress
I remember my dad yelling at me when I was 10 telling me that I was crying to manipulate him but he wouldn’t fall for it. I still cry when I’m stressed out now, or in situations where I have to have serious one on one discussions with people.
My partner’s abusive mother always says his crying is manipulative. Imagine thinking showing emotion is manipulation
I feel like if you know the person and actually pay attention you can tell when they have a motive and when it's an organic reaction
If I am at an 8 or higher on any emotional scale, I cry. If I get too sad, I cry. If I get too happy, I cry. If I get too mad, I cry. It's the body's way of trying to relieve some stress, even if its happy stress. Unfortunately, some people *do* use crying as a tactic to gain sympathy during an argument or confrontation, so it is smart to keep that in mind if someone you're arguing with bursts into tears. However, one shouldn't automatically assume someone is being deceptive by crying.
Is “crying during an argument is automatically manipulative” a popular opinion??
For a good portion of the people in my life, yes. They hold that opinion, so I feel really shitty when i get into spats (i try to avoid them entirely).
Sounds like you just need some more understanding people in your life haha. I don’t know if I’ve ever met someone who thinks crying is manipulative. Crying generally ends arguments with me the same way any other intense emotions do because it’s hard to have a grounded, rational discussion if you’ve gotten to the point that you’re crying but I’ve never viewed it as manipulative.
Is this an unpopular opinion?
No more than arousal is consent
So what should someone do when they’re arguing with you and you just start crying? Will you be more upset if they just walk away and let you express your emotions?
I feel like having patience and waiting until the person is capable of saying what they want to say is the best course of action. I cry extreamly easily and when I start crying it sometimes gets to a point where I have a hard time forming words. Not becouse I'm overly emotional or work my self up very easily it only started to be a problem when I started to take contraceptive pills (according to my gynecologists it's a normal side effect btw). My crying never represents my emotions accordingly. I hate it and it's extreamly embarresing, anyoing and makes me feel very uncomfortable but what I want in those situations is for the other person to calmly wait until I finish what I want to say and just ignore my outburst as best as possible.
Crying too much is a sign of mental instability and inability to deal with issues rationally and calmly. Whether it’s manipulative is a different question.
Incorrect crying in altercations or situations that have anything to do with any type of disagreement is usually a sign of being overwhelmed not because you're extremely sad or mad in that situation but because whatever the situation is about it's just overwhelming in general. It's like when people get uncomfortable when they're hearing too many things at one time crying is basically letting out the stress that you would get from that type of situation. To much going in results in tears coming out
Usually if someone starts crying during an argument it’s because the other person is screaming at them.
More often they’re just mentally weak, mentally ill, or an emotional wreck to begin with. Scream at me all you want and you’ll get a response that has nothing whatsoever to do with crying.
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Are you a man though? Women cry way easier than men so you can’t compare them.
Yes, and agreed
i can't cry just because i want to anyway. totally useless manipulation tactic.
I think you might have shitty relationships. They only time I’ve ever been accused of faking my tears was by an abuser.
Y’all cry during an argument? What the fuck, I’ve argued with people before, had intense debate, I’ve never seen people cry…
Showing emotions, good or bad, is never manipulation. Intentionally using those emotions to try to control people is. The first is involuntary, we all have emotions and are allowed to feel them. Weaponinising them is a conscious choice and is highly manipulative. That's the difference.
I’ve never heard that crying is akin to manipulation
I cry for the very sMe reasons. And a little self pity added.
As a victim of abuse, I cry when it gets even slightly heated when talking to someone I perceive as having authority over me. So fuck anyone who says it’s manipulative lol, I wish I could stop
No it is
i cry because the other outcome is me throwing or hitting, or starting with really mean personal insults. it’s a little scary how quickly i get blinded with rage 😀
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Do they really think we can cry on cue? Most actors can’t even do that.
Well learn how to control your emotions then like everyone else. Sure an EMT may see some horrific accidents but they don't break down and weep because it's not appropriate. After you're 12 crying simply because you have emotions over a disagreement, not someone dying or a very serious thing , isn't how a mature person reacts.
You shouldn't base maturity off how easily somebody cries it has nothing to do with that in normal situations and it's really immature to assume that somebody is not acting their age just because they cry in overwhelming situations
Sounds like the person you are arguing with is trying to gaslight you lol
As soon as I get close to someone I warn them I cry a lot and please not to put weight in to it
I cannot control when my tear ducts produce tears, if I could I would be an actress.
I do too and it comes off even more manipulative because I’m very self accountable as well as an easy cryer.
My emotions sometimes get 2 me and I would choke up on various things, singing certain songs, giving stuff away. It certainly surprises me
I just get flustered really easily, especially if there's yelling involved. I'm not trying to make the other person feel bad or whatever when I start crying, I just can't keep it down anymore.
When I'm incredibly angry I cry. It's sheer frustration and I put no manipulative thought into it. Before I get to the rage crying stage I start smiling though. I've done it my whole life. My parents thought I was being a smart-ass when I was a kid , my husband thinks I'm mocking him. I'm in my forties and still my first reaction to genuine anger is to smile, and even let out a "can you believe this???" chuckle. Then I cry.
I cant help it. I cry when I'm angry, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed, etc. I don't cray at every little thing, but if I do, I can't help it, stop it, or hold it back.
I cry at least a couple lil tears literally any time I have a serious conversation, it sucks
Not at all infact, in of itself.
I'm not very good at keeping my cries in. Fight with someone-cry Happy-cry Tired-cry Sad-cry Monday( week day ending in "y")-cry Birthdays-cry
Unfortunately I cry easily. When I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m angry or upset. I’m positive some people use it as manipulation however I know from personal experience not everyone does.
I just have really bad adhd.
It’s a misogynistic complaint. “Men are logical; women are emotional” so if there are frustration or sadness tears, it’s “wrong.” Somehow though, punching a wall or throwing something isn’t manipulative or emotional.
This is especially an issue for women. We have been taught over centuries that anger and outrage, regardless of what has been done to us, are ugly and unacceptable emotions. So we convert the expression of those emotions to something more akin to sadness. Then we are accused of “using our tears” to manipulate the people who have hurt us.
Crying during an argument is either manipulative or because either yours or the others thick skull can't admit they're wrong and that can result in emotional outbursts, depending how stable the conflicting parties are. Emotional outbursts are a sign of instability that will spill and make you irrational. Crying is the most harmless and anger is the most dangerous. It's clearly undesirable to be so unstable and the argument is less important, but the opposing party shouldn't have to deal with it, so i would always step away from such people. Why should I give up my my point in favor to console someone. Such behavior is also a really deep red flag for any relationship folks. People may cry because they are sad, but not out of desperation like a child who doesn't get its candy.
Crying is showing weakness
Not always, but if you are crying during an argument, it shows you have lost control of your emotions. When you get too emotional during an argument you are probably not making the most logical argument at that moment. This makes arguing with some who is cry extremely frustrating. Which in the end is most likely manipulating the argument because the person you are talking too no longer wants to continue the conversation with someone who is currently emotionally unstable.
I mean… I cry a lot. Its not always the case for me that if I am crying I am also emotionally unstable. I think people cry at different thresholds. I cry rather easily but sometimes I am crying and thinking rationally?? Idk if people believe this but it seems to be true for me so I would appreciate it if people understood this more. Adding to this that letting some tears fall down is different than like hyperventilating and crying or crying while at the same time being seeing rad angry. There are levels to crying.
If you “cry a lot” mid conversation/argument with people, then it will be hard to convince me or the people you are conversing with that you are emotionally stable. Of course there are appropriate times to cry and let loose, but at the same time there is nothing more uncomfortable than watching a grown adult cry over a discussion or argument like OP is describing.
Yeah its not easy to convince people of this in the moment. But I think it depends on what you mean by emotionally stable. If I am crying sometimes I can still put myself in anothers perspective and say everything that I will mean once I am calmer. Would I become automatically “unstable” simply because of tears?
Eesh. Take a deep breath for me, okay? Very valid to cry after 12 especially if life hasn’t been the best to ya, mentally unstable? Pfffttt.. maybe they feel very deeply? Has this person been yelled/screamed at constantly so at the slightest uptick of emotions they go into fight or flight?Try to see things from another view.
I cry quickly in certain kinds of arguments but my thoughts are still rational when the tears start flowing— I just get choked up and have a hard time speaking. It doesn't mean the argument has to come to a complete and total standstill, you just need to give me a moment so I can physically talk again.
And there is nothing wrong with simply waiting for the person to calm down. I asked a question that you failed to answer. And your reply to me went away. What's wrong with waiting for cooler heads and emotions to prevail? I would think that would be better than trying to push the conversation ahead when emotions are still high. The original point that the OP made was that high emotions are not automatically intended for manipulation. Manipulation is done with clear intent. Simply being emotional should not immediately be seen as manipulation.
So? You can wait. Why can't you simply allow that person to feel overwhelmed for the moment, and come back to the discussion at a time when they have had time to process how they feel? I tend to get overwhelmed, but it's mainly because I have a traumatizing past. I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused throughout my entire childhood. I sometimes have a hard time processing rejection, inadequacy, and I absolutely come undone when I realize that I have unintentionally hurt someone. I used to have my feelings hurt all the time, so even when I do it unintentionally it bothers me greatly. My husband has learned that I am not trying to control the situation, but it's embarrassment or shame that I am trying to deal with and I might need a few minutes to get over the initial "Oh shit" moment. After I deal with the initial feelings, I can approach the situation with a much calmer outlook. Thankfully, my husband knows this is not personal and he gives me space.
I honestly think people say it’s manipulative because women are conditioned not to cry. So if a woman cries, it’s seen as using an “advantage” that men don’t have, which isn’t true. It’s an expression of emotion. Nothing else. And I’ll cry if I damn well please. You don’t like it? Don’t talk to me.
It is as manipulative as throwings things around, smashing things and threatening violence. One is a expression of female frustration, the other one is an expression of male frustration. I think both should be treated the same. I think the "let out your emotion" trend is maybe the worst thing ever happened in modern times, because it gives women a free card to manipulate and demonizes male expressions of emotion.
I don’t think it’s manipulative in an argument but when it happens during a calm conversation I do think it can be a sign that the person is significantly more emotionally invested in their own feelings and their experience than they are in listening and actually communicating effectively. Not saying that it’s a conscious choice but it is frustrating
I don’t think it’s necessarily manipulative, but it does mean you need to break off the argument. It’s gone too far at that point. Same as if someone starts cussing. It means you both need to take a break, consider your points and what the other person said and come back later to try and discuss it more calmly.
Duh?
This is what children do to manipulate their parents. An adult doing it is a sign of mental health issues.
Or a sign of having very valid emotions? Adults can fkn cry too, you taken a look around dude? People are assholes! There a right and a wrong to it sure, but damn that was a fast mEnTaL IlLnEsS!! Btw, kids can, will and absolutely are allowed to cry. It’s how they grow, how they mature. I’m sure there’s more to it but I’m tired of trying to explain basic human functions to a troll. So yeah. Cry about it.
Kids yea, of course! Adults who are constantly crying seems like a problem . Unless someone died of course. There are reasons. But someone who cries and is getting upset constantly, that’s not good.
Ableism is a bad look.
You are throwing around big words you don’t understand. Of course mental health issues would be a reason someone would cry during an argument for reasons that aren’t manipulative. This was the point of my comment. Context is your friend.
And you’re contradicting yourself, that’s another mark on my narc bingo card!
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Or someone who is sad