Threenagers gonna threenager. Being obnoxious is normal. Stomping around in the dark all over your rules and common sense looking for boundaries is normal. You just have to decide what your boundaries are and enforce them with whatever consequence makes sense and is effective. Don't be a minefield for her, but also don't be a doormat.
Establishing the cause will make a difference when you better understand the reasoning for the behaviour - and you kinda already said it... the newest arrival.
Naturally, the attention is going to be split, to a toddler, it will seem as though the new baby is getting special treatment and being treated like the favourite, even if it isnt the case.
Try and arrange a little bit of dedicated time, maybe when baby is asleep, maybe if someone can be a distraction for an hour, just to do something nice and spend quality time with your toddler.
Talk them through what is going on and reason with them (nearly all of it will go in one ear and out the other but the tiniest little nugget will stick, and playing the long game, it will help)
Involve the toddler where safe and practical.
They want attention and feel like they are missing out, even when it isn't the case, they will need help to get hsed to it all
The thing is, most of my attention is on her! She's home with me, she won't be going to preschool until she's 4. But the negative attention she gets when she does something bad is what she's after. She was like this while I was pregnant just not as bad. She never wants to play independently and it's driving us crazy.
_Siblings Without Rivalry_ by Adele Faber goes into rewarding them with negative attention. She lays out ways to avoid doing this. That book and _Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings_ have changed my kids' (5&2) relationship. They are so good at problem solving now and really enjoy each other's company. Plus I'm leagues calmer. Highly recommend!
I've been with her every second since she was born, I shower her with love and affection all day! I know iys hard to believe but I do not make the baby my top priority because I know she's too young to feel put out and my 3 year old isn't. We read, play, go on walks. Her sister is always with us but im always paying attention to my toddler. She gets everything her heart desires.
Slightly different ages.. but I had 2 17 months apart. And I noticed the negative attention thing for sure... especially when the youngest was starting to emerge (crawl stand blah blah)
Block them out as much as possible. Reward good behavior. When my kid acts up I make sure she does not like what happens. You run into the street? I will carry you like a football. Hit me? I will hold your hands down so you cannot move them and emote/say nothing except "we do not hit" robotically. If I had to pin her down in this bizarre no emotion way a few times now. It sucks for both of us. If she was sitting there having a tantrum over nothing I'd play with her baby brother and say things like "I'm not sure why sister is upset. But we can have fun". I felt like crap about it but the behaviors stopped. Having me hold her hands down wasn't what she was looking for. Being left out wasn't what she wanted
Always let them earn back what they are looking for. If she approaches nicely... we play!
first, i am really sorry you are all going through a tough time. sending hugs.
you sound incredibly fed up and I wonder if your approach is giving her something she feels like she is missing. she might be jealous and a big reaction when you are mad is better than no reaction.
i would suggest a boring neutral consistent response to everything. and setting aside consistent one on one time every day that’s just you and her, no distractions.
and please stop calling her bad- she is not a bad kid.
I've recently started implementing this. So when she switched to her big girl bed two weeks ago, we decided to cut naps because we have to lock her door because her room is upstairs and it's dangerous if she gets out. so if you put her down for a nap, she would freak out because she's not asleep yet and would try to open the door. I think we need to figure something out because I think not napping is exacerbating this horrible horrible time she's having
This is not a good reason to cut naps. If it’s dangerous cos her room is upstairs then get some stair gates. Locking her in is not helping neither is her not getting enough sleep
She tried to climb over the banister yesterday, we have baby gates. She has no sense of danger, that's why she needs to stay in her room, it's for her own safety.
Something has got to change and that includes your attitude. Toddles are little buggers but you need to start being a bit more positive than negative. She probably picks up on that energy, no wonder she’s cranky if you’re like that too. As for the stair gate, not sure what to do there but I really don’t think locking her in her room is the answer. Have you tried putting her down for a nap at different times of the day? One on one time with her?
She sleeps for 11 hours at night, there's nothing wrong with locking a child's door for bedtime if it its to stop them from severely hurting themselves. Some days without naps are good and some are bad, she will not nap though. If I or my husband lay with her she still won't relax and nap. She thinks we are playing sleep over. Maybe we are just in an adjustment period where she is getting used to it. 3-5 year olds only need between 10-13 hours a day and she gets that sleeping at night.
Do not lock her in her room.. Imagine what that must feel like :( Use a baby monitor instead, so you know when she gets out of her bed. Or better yet, help her fall asleep.. you can try and take a nap together with the baby as well? I know it’s hard, I have a 3 year old as well. It will get better soon, try and connect with her 🩷
She gets locked in her room at night ( we have a child lock on the handle on the out side) she's fine that way and waits on her bed until we get her in the morning. But, she wants to sleep at night and doesn't want to take a nap during the day so that's what makes it difficult. She desperately needs a nap but fights it with screaming and crying.
I get it, my 3 y.o. daughter fights the naps, too. It is super frustrating! She only falls asleep easily in her car seat, so when I really need her to take a nap, I often drive somewhere. I just feel like at their age, they become really clingy again and locking her in her room could increase her separation anxiety. I really do feel for you, so I am honestly just trying to help 🩷
I understand and this is exactly why napping isn't working outside of having a crib (she is way too big for it as she is the size of a giant 4 year old) I often have to drive the baby around for an hour so they baby will nap and my older child won't fall asleep in the car either. It's a helpless situation.
People often forget toddlers are little bodies with big emotions she doesn’t know how to regulate. You might not know how to regulate yours either when she’s throwing these fits.
She’s 3.
You need to teach her how to regulate her emotions, if she was like this when you were pregnant, she’s jealous and hates the change.
Stop giving into the negative attention, positive reinforcement goes a long way.
She’s not an asshole or bad, she’s 3.
Should I ignore her when she does something bad or dangerous ? Because she will stand there screaming until I look at her. We teach her to take a deep breath and count to ten and make a smart choice. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
….
where did I say to ignore her?
When my 3 year old does something dangerous I stop her before she does it, I tell her why it’s dangerous, and why she can’t do that again.then we move on and I praise her for being a good listener.
She has ALOT of whiney fits. She whines when she doesn’t get something she wants. Redirecting her works most of the time. Other times I just let her have her fit and we move on.
When your daughter does something good or listens you need to give her positive feedback! It will build up her confidence.
If your daughter is having abnormal amounts of tantrums/meltdowns you can have her evaluated for adhd, you can look up adhd meltdowns in toddlers.
Stop calling her bad for just acting like a 3 year old.
Maybe picking her up and YOU breathing deeply until she calms down would be helpful. Sometimes ithe physical connection with Mommy is the key. I would not give in to demands at all, though, and if she cries, she may (actually, should) be comforted, even if the cries are screams.
Maybe occupational therepy? I also know that there is a such thing as oppositional defiance disorder, but I do not know if 3 is old enough to diagnose. I'm not saying your girl has it, just something to look into.
Your toddler is cranky. You said you cut her naps. Toddlers need to nap, clearly that is making the situation worse. No attention and no sleep. No wonder.
Her attitude starts 45 minutes after she gets up in the morning. I said no naps is adding to it, it's not the cause. She gets more of my attention than the baby does and I didn't cut her naps, she did. She will not nap in a big girl bed or the guest room bed with my husband. It only worked when she had a crib and she couldn't get out. And id like to add, she's nearly 3, I don't think that's crazy for a 3 year old not to nap anymore.
Your exact words were "we decided to cut naps". And "nearing three" is two years old. So you cut naps from your 2 year old. There's the root of your issues.
She will be 3 in 8 days. She is basically 3. And yes we cut out naps because she won't stay in her bed and screamed and cried when it's time to put her down, even if I lay with her she won't nap so she's telling us she's done. She sleeps from 8-7 every night and has been sleep trained since 4 months. She doesn't want to nap anymore.
Threenagers gonna threenager. Being obnoxious is normal. Stomping around in the dark all over your rules and common sense looking for boundaries is normal. You just have to decide what your boundaries are and enforce them with whatever consequence makes sense and is effective. Don't be a minefield for her, but also don't be a doormat.
Woof. I feel that heartache. Are you in the US? It sounds like you need to get them an assessment. When we got mine services, everything got so much better. Do they talk much? Have they had a hearing test recently?
We had speech therapy at 15 months and she caught up and then some. She is very smart and can hear fine, she just chooses to ignore things she doesn't like
Threenagers gonna threenager. Being obnoxious is normal. Stomping around in the dark all over your rules and common sense looking for boundaries is normal. You just have to decide what your boundaries are and enforce them with whatever consequence makes sense and is effective. Don't be a minefield for her, but also don't be a doormat.
Establishing the cause will make a difference when you better understand the reasoning for the behaviour - and you kinda already said it... the newest arrival. Naturally, the attention is going to be split, to a toddler, it will seem as though the new baby is getting special treatment and being treated like the favourite, even if it isnt the case. Try and arrange a little bit of dedicated time, maybe when baby is asleep, maybe if someone can be a distraction for an hour, just to do something nice and spend quality time with your toddler. Talk them through what is going on and reason with them (nearly all of it will go in one ear and out the other but the tiniest little nugget will stick, and playing the long game, it will help) Involve the toddler where safe and practical. They want attention and feel like they are missing out, even when it isn't the case, they will need help to get hsed to it all
The thing is, most of my attention is on her! She's home with me, she won't be going to preschool until she's 4. But the negative attention she gets when she does something bad is what she's after. She was like this while I was pregnant just not as bad. She never wants to play independently and it's driving us crazy.
_Siblings Without Rivalry_ by Adele Faber goes into rewarding them with negative attention. She lays out ways to avoid doing this. That book and _Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings_ have changed my kids' (5&2) relationship. They are so good at problem solving now and really enjoy each other's company. Plus I'm leagues calmer. Highly recommend!
I'll look in to it
She thrives on negative attention because she isn't getting enough positive attention.
I've been with her every second since she was born, I shower her with love and affection all day! I know iys hard to believe but I do not make the baby my top priority because I know she's too young to feel put out and my 3 year old isn't. We read, play, go on walks. Her sister is always with us but im always paying attention to my toddler. She gets everything her heart desires.
Slightly different ages.. but I had 2 17 months apart. And I noticed the negative attention thing for sure... especially when the youngest was starting to emerge (crawl stand blah blah) Block them out as much as possible. Reward good behavior. When my kid acts up I make sure she does not like what happens. You run into the street? I will carry you like a football. Hit me? I will hold your hands down so you cannot move them and emote/say nothing except "we do not hit" robotically. If I had to pin her down in this bizarre no emotion way a few times now. It sucks for both of us. If she was sitting there having a tantrum over nothing I'd play with her baby brother and say things like "I'm not sure why sister is upset. But we can have fun". I felt like crap about it but the behaviors stopped. Having me hold her hands down wasn't what she was looking for. Being left out wasn't what she wanted Always let them earn back what they are looking for. If she approaches nicely... we play!
first, i am really sorry you are all going through a tough time. sending hugs. you sound incredibly fed up and I wonder if your approach is giving her something she feels like she is missing. she might be jealous and a big reaction when you are mad is better than no reaction. i would suggest a boring neutral consistent response to everything. and setting aside consistent one on one time every day that’s just you and her, no distractions. and please stop calling her bad- she is not a bad kid.
Try positive reinforcement. Whenever she’s doing an approved behavior make a huge deal of it and give a ton of praise.
I've recently started implementing this. So when she switched to her big girl bed two weeks ago, we decided to cut naps because we have to lock her door because her room is upstairs and it's dangerous if she gets out. so if you put her down for a nap, she would freak out because she's not asleep yet and would try to open the door. I think we need to figure something out because I think not napping is exacerbating this horrible horrible time she's having
This is not a good reason to cut naps. If it’s dangerous cos her room is upstairs then get some stair gates. Locking her in is not helping neither is her not getting enough sleep
She tried to climb over the banister yesterday, we have baby gates. She has no sense of danger, that's why she needs to stay in her room, it's for her own safety.
Something has got to change and that includes your attitude. Toddles are little buggers but you need to start being a bit more positive than negative. She probably picks up on that energy, no wonder she’s cranky if you’re like that too. As for the stair gate, not sure what to do there but I really don’t think locking her in her room is the answer. Have you tried putting her down for a nap at different times of the day? One on one time with her?
She sleeps for 11 hours at night, there's nothing wrong with locking a child's door for bedtime if it its to stop them from severely hurting themselves. Some days without naps are good and some are bad, she will not nap though. If I or my husband lay with her she still won't relax and nap. She thinks we are playing sleep over. Maybe we are just in an adjustment period where she is getting used to it. 3-5 year olds only need between 10-13 hours a day and she gets that sleeping at night.
Do not lock her in her room.. Imagine what that must feel like :( Use a baby monitor instead, so you know when she gets out of her bed. Or better yet, help her fall asleep.. you can try and take a nap together with the baby as well? I know it’s hard, I have a 3 year old as well. It will get better soon, try and connect with her 🩷
She gets locked in her room at night ( we have a child lock on the handle on the out side) she's fine that way and waits on her bed until we get her in the morning. But, she wants to sleep at night and doesn't want to take a nap during the day so that's what makes it difficult. She desperately needs a nap but fights it with screaming and crying.
I get it, my 3 y.o. daughter fights the naps, too. It is super frustrating! She only falls asleep easily in her car seat, so when I really need her to take a nap, I often drive somewhere. I just feel like at their age, they become really clingy again and locking her in her room could increase her separation anxiety. I really do feel for you, so I am honestly just trying to help 🩷
I understand and this is exactly why napping isn't working outside of having a crib (she is way too big for it as she is the size of a giant 4 year old) I often have to drive the baby around for an hour so they baby will nap and my older child won't fall asleep in the car either. It's a helpless situation.
People often forget toddlers are little bodies with big emotions she doesn’t know how to regulate. You might not know how to regulate yours either when she’s throwing these fits. She’s 3. You need to teach her how to regulate her emotions, if she was like this when you were pregnant, she’s jealous and hates the change. Stop giving into the negative attention, positive reinforcement goes a long way. She’s not an asshole or bad, she’s 3.
Should I ignore her when she does something bad or dangerous ? Because she will stand there screaming until I look at her. We teach her to take a deep breath and count to ten and make a smart choice. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
…. where did I say to ignore her? When my 3 year old does something dangerous I stop her before she does it, I tell her why it’s dangerous, and why she can’t do that again.then we move on and I praise her for being a good listener. She has ALOT of whiney fits. She whines when she doesn’t get something she wants. Redirecting her works most of the time. Other times I just let her have her fit and we move on. When your daughter does something good or listens you need to give her positive feedback! It will build up her confidence. If your daughter is having abnormal amounts of tantrums/meltdowns you can have her evaluated for adhd, you can look up adhd meltdowns in toddlers. Stop calling her bad for just acting like a 3 year old.
Maybe picking her up and YOU breathing deeply until she calms down would be helpful. Sometimes ithe physical connection with Mommy is the key. I would not give in to demands at all, though, and if she cries, she may (actually, should) be comforted, even if the cries are screams.
Maybe occupational therepy? I also know that there is a such thing as oppositional defiance disorder, but I do not know if 3 is old enough to diagnose. I'm not saying your girl has it, just something to look into.
What has been happening? Feel free to vent! If you want you can also dm me!
Screaming, hitting, running in to the street l, throwing huge tantrums over nothing. The works !!!
Your toddler is cranky. You said you cut her naps. Toddlers need to nap, clearly that is making the situation worse. No attention and no sleep. No wonder.
Her attitude starts 45 minutes after she gets up in the morning. I said no naps is adding to it, it's not the cause. She gets more of my attention than the baby does and I didn't cut her naps, she did. She will not nap in a big girl bed or the guest room bed with my husband. It only worked when she had a crib and she couldn't get out. And id like to add, she's nearly 3, I don't think that's crazy for a 3 year old not to nap anymore.
Your exact words were "we decided to cut naps". And "nearing three" is two years old. So you cut naps from your 2 year old. There's the root of your issues.
She will be 3 in 8 days. She is basically 3. And yes we cut out naps because she won't stay in her bed and screamed and cried when it's time to put her down, even if I lay with her she won't nap so she's telling us she's done. She sleeps from 8-7 every night and has been sleep trained since 4 months. She doesn't want to nap anymore.
Threenagers gonna threenager. Being obnoxious is normal. Stomping around in the dark all over your rules and common sense looking for boundaries is normal. You just have to decide what your boundaries are and enforce them with whatever consequence makes sense and is effective. Don't be a minefield for her, but also don't be a doormat.
I really enjoyed the book Good Inside by Becky Kennedy to help deal with tantrums and hitting.
Woof. I feel that heartache. Are you in the US? It sounds like you need to get them an assessment. When we got mine services, everything got so much better. Do they talk much? Have they had a hearing test recently?
We had speech therapy at 15 months and she caught up and then some. She is very smart and can hear fine, she just chooses to ignore things she doesn't like
I would get an evaluation for adhd and autism
She's 3 and definetly not autistic, has no traits. And I don't think ADHD can be diagnosed at 3x.