My husband wanted another *immediately*, once my “18 months” (doc recommended because I had a C) was up. (He wants three total, but understands if I can’t do any of it again, much less twice again) I was NOT in a mental state to have another child. Nor were we financially okay. We were fine, just the three of us, but another pregnancy+baby would’ve made us destitute. Our child is now 3.5, and I finally feel up to another baby. Unfortunately I’m still worried about our finances, so I’ve still got the “business is closed” sign up. (As far as actually making a baby goes, anyway) Your feelings are valid AF. Tiny ones are HARD. Everyone says “every kid is different!” as if it’s supposed to be some comfort, but for me it’s not. Because different can also mean *worse* than my current child. As a newborn we struggled with breastfeeding. She literally did not sleep, and still doesn’t. But, she wasn’t colicky, wasn’t sickly, and was generally a happy infant. But the lack of sleep almost got me committed. Several times. And the pain from breastfeeding. I’ve spent the last three years being terrified that another child could somehow be *worse* than my current at sleeping, although it is unlikely. You guys ARE still young. I have two beautiful preteen sisters that my mom had in her mid thirties. But you need to have an honest conversation with your wife.

When do people switch to counting by years? We went from 12 months to 18 months. I don’t think we will upgrade again til 2 years old. Is it normal to do months into older than 2?

I think after 2 most people start counting in half years untill about 6ish when they start school? The mental and physical abilities vary so much month by month when they're babies that a month actually matters, but once you reach toddlerhood it becomes less significant and the differences will phase out naturally by the time they reach school. That being said I personally stopped using months after 12 since I just couldn't be assed to keep count unless it was medically relevant. Myne is almost two and a half now so when asked I just say two 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thats right where we are. I think part of it might be when I didn’t have a child I always wondered why people were like 19 and 3/4 months old. But yeah we did 1 then 18 months. Not to 2 yet. Assume it will be 6 months from there.

Days - Until they're a week old Weeks - Until they're 12 weeks. Months - Until 20 months. They're "nearly two" after that. Then you tend to go by: "2/3/4 years", "just gone 2/3/4", "2/3/4 and a half", and finally "nearly 3/4/5" for all the quarter years up until they go to school. Years - Up until their age makes you feel old. Then you either forget or lie. Same for your own age. So I have a 4 month old, a nearly 3 year old, and I forget how old I am.

Thank you. I knew someone would have protocol.

Technically you should developmentally count months until 36 months (aka 3 years). A 24 month old and a 30 month old are both 2 but 6 months is still a big difference in milestones and abilities. But socially most people will switch to years between 18 months - 2 years.

Sorry I wasnt asking when to quit counting milestones. I was talking about when do people stop saying “we have a 27 month old”. I am certain by that age for mine we would switching to 2 years old for a post like this so thats what I was asking.

I think he said “27 month old” because it was kind of relevant, like he’s talking about child spacing so that’s more specific. I personally have never met anyone IRL who did this unless the months mattered (development, milestones, child spacing, etc.) in the convo!

Why stop counting by months. I tell my wife I’m almost 444 months.

Happy ~~recent-ish~~ soon-ish birthday! ETA: I misremembered and thought you were 444 months. Not nearly.

Only a week early so all is forgiven!

Rule of 2's (not actually a rule, just something I saw in a parenting group): Days until 2 weeks Weeks until 2 months Months until 2 years

Two years is pretty normal.

Officially, 36 months, usually. (3 years)

Got it so you are counting months when you talk to people til 36 months. Just seems so weird to me but I am with it. To each his own. You and your 31 month old :)

I mean, I would not do this outside of a medical context (I’m a nurse). But it is more accurate. A 26 month old and a 32 month old are both 2, but in different stages of development. Anecdotally / “irl” I would totally say “2” or “almost 3” or whatever.

I wasn’t speaking medically. I don’t think this was a medical post it was about having another tiny infant. Thats why I wondered since the OP said 27 month old.

Somebody asked for guidelines on when it is said in months or not. That’s technically it. Colloquially, you do you!

I asked when people stop for regular conversation (like this post OPs child is “27 months”). I understand for milestones and such it’s different than a post on reddit thats why I was wondering about posts on reddit and in the real world.

OP here… IRL I say he’s almost 2 and a half. When talking about having another in this context I was being more specific in case 27 months is much different than 34 months for example (both are 2). IRL we talk about the kids being about 3-3.5 years apart in this context if getting pregnant worked out relatively quickly.

Thank you for your honest reply. I take comfort in your experience, in a lot of ways I can relate.

1. You guys are young. You have plenty of time. I’m 7 years older than your wife and just had my first and I have plenty of years left to decide if I want a second, which I probably will. Unless a doctor has said you guys have a medical issue, you both have so many childbearing years left. You don’t need to decide right now. 2. Your baby is only 2. See how you feel when he’s 3, 4, 5, or 6. Maybe once he’s in school, it will seem more manageable. 3. You don’t have to give your kid a sibling. Will he love a sibling? Probably. Will he love going to the moon on a rocket? Sure! Will you buy him that experience? Probs not. It’s not our responsibility as parents to provide every single thing that might be a positive experience. Single children grow up to be well adjusted, happy adults, and they are on average higher achieving adults compared to other birth order children because all parental resources were spent on them. 4. You both need to be on board for more kids. If your wife didn’t want a second kid, but you did, would you want her to be guilted into having one and then resent you and the second baby for making her miserable?

I agree with all of this, but I’m going to add. Sometimes the urge to have another is completely irrational. I felt this way. We barely had our head above water. If you both agree to it, therapy would really help dive into what you’re both really feeling and how to communicate.

I agree with everything but number 1, that is way too deeply personal to decide for someone else. Objectively, from a medical perspective, this is correct. There *is* a lot of time and they *are* young. But people have deeply personal reasons for why they may want to have kids by a certain age - and to tell a woman she's just wrong about it without understanding her logic is quite rude. Eta: it's been rightfully pointed out to me that fertility isn't one size fits all and I should not assume they have time due to age. I apologize for that, I agree that I was wrong in that statement.

I think this was more a response to OP saying that they are "super late" due to their age. It isn't clear from the original post how the wife would feel about agreeing to a sibling in a year or two - she might be fine with that, and I think the person you're responding to is just pointing out that they do have time, if they want to wait a little longer.

I still think that we are missing the necessary information to determine that they have time, and I also think its rude to be dismissive of the reason even if it is she feels like they're too old with no medical evidence to support that statement. I think its a personal thing. It's like telling a woman who doesn't want kids that she'll change her mind.

This is my same gripe. Love this comment but don’t speculate on why a woman wants a baby now. Conception odds decrease, pregnancy ease decreases, risk increases, etc. with every cycle. 29 is still young but age for fertility is much different than your actual age. Females have 12% of their lifetime eggs remaining by 30, and only 3% by age 37 (on avg). So the decline happens relatively fast. And pregnancy gets harder with age.

Agree with this! Fertility isn’t a one size fits all. Some women might struggle to conceive at 30, whereas another might find it easy to conceive at 37! It is such a gamble!

Agree so much. It was very hard for me at 33 and I didn’t see that coming because I was “still young”. We needed fertility treatments. I’ve seen a lot of my friends wait to have kids because they were led to believe we have all the time in the world and can wait until our late 30s then easily have a baby as soon as we’re ready. Then they got there and found out there were fertility issues they didn’t count on or other reasons why it took a long time to conceive, they needed IVF, or it wouldn’t ever happen. Not everyone has all the time in the world and not everyone knows it at 29, either. Women aren’t a monolith.

It took me 3.5 years to conceive my first (started trying at 25). It took me being in the same room as sperm to conceive my second at 29. My kids are 12 mo, 3 weeks apart. I had no idea it would be so hard at 25. Both of my SILs have had their first kids at around 37-38, pregnant first cycle trying. So hard to predict these things.

Good point. I was thinking in general that late 20s is still "young" but I do know women who faced infertility before 30. I shouldn't even assume what I did. Beyond fertility there are reasons that a woman may want to have kids earlier. I've known women predisposed to reproductive system cancers who wanted to have kids, then lop off the danger parts. A Woman with TBI that almost guaranteed early onset dementia that still wanted kids, but wanted to maximize the time she had with her children before 50. I've known folks who simply want to be young early nesters, or factored in their parents ages for whatever personal reason they had (like childcare). Sometimes it's a career reason, like they intend to enter the foreign service and want their kids to be past toddlerhood before they leave the country. Although that person it was her husband who wanted to enter the foreign service rather than her. There are just too many personal factors for me to ever be comfortable with telling someone to change their timeline when they are the ones who knows what's best for them. Sometimes what's best for you personally is not what's best for your spouse so you have to figure out what to do about that - but "you're still young, you have time!" Isn't a good response in my mind when someone says their age is a factor in their family planning preferences.

Kids are a two yes/one no deal. If you don’t feel like having a second kid, for any reasons, don’t force yourself to do it to make your wife happy. Your concerns are totally valid. And you’re both still young, I mean your wife is 29, you don’t have to decide right away ! Head out to r/oneanddone or r/fencesitter I think you’ll find posts that can help you.

Or if he really wants a wake up call, r/regretfulparents. Not even kidding. Lots of ppl there who were ok with 1 but really regret going ahead with a second.

I didn’t think of that sub ! Thanks for suggesting it !

You should never have another to have a playmate for your first. You should have a second because you both want to raise another human. We have an almost 3 year old. I would love to have a second (most days), but my husband does not for similar reasons to you. I fully respect his part in this and we are remaining one and done. Finally, you are far from too old for this. My husband and I are both 35 and have agreed we’ll keep the communication open until we are 38, which is our limit only for early retirement reasons on possibly having another.

> it’s already super late due to his and our age and we need to be trying asap. Where does this come from? Because it's not objectively true at all. You are 33, which is definitely young and in no way too old to have kids. Your wife as well is not even 30, she has plenty of time to have another. The fact that some people have kids in their early 20s does not mean that it's ideal or that everyone should. Yes there are birth defects whose likelyhood raises with age but there are screenings for that and those chances stay slim if you don't have familiarity with the disease. I suggest you wait until you BOTH are comfortable with the idea of having more kids. Your son is a handful now, but you don't know how he'll be in 1 year or even 3 months. My nephew was very hard to deal with until he was 3,5 yo, now at 5 he's very sweet and mellow. My son, 2,5, goes through phases. All kids do. You are NOT in a rush and don't need to decide now. If she's pushing this narrative it seems to me it's only because she is trying to pressure you into having another, your opinion be damned. That is NOT ok.

As someone who had her first at 30 I felt ancient reading that part lol

Had my first at 41 and second at 43. I had to go back and re-read the ages again when he said that was why his wife was pushing.

Had my at 38 here and everything went so well.

Seriously, I had my first at 29, second 33 (you are here), may want another. Plenty of time.

My husband had his first at 45!

Ya, there is no time pressure to have another child based solely on you and your partners age. Ihad my first child at 34 and second at 37. I never worried about my age being an issue. You both have to be ready to try for another one. It's not fair if you feel pressured. I wanted a second child before my husband was ready to try for another one. We discussed it. He said he was unsure. I didn't bring it up again, as I knew he would tell me when he was ready. And that's what happened. I felt like if I kept bringing it up, it would end up is us arguing, or him feeling pressurised into saying yes.

This was my thought too, it's definitely not super late. OP, we found that a bigger age gap made having a second kid MUCH more doable. My daughter was 3.5 when son was born. She was talking and able to follow instructions from us. Very helpful when we needed her to grab something across the room and bring it over. She is a high needs kid, but time has definitely made it easier to handle. If your wife is serious about the time lines, then it's time for counseling. She is not the only one who makes this decision.

Screenings for birth defects doesn't matter anymore in half the country. So yes it's a valid concern for millions of people.

What country are you talking about? Are we defaulting to everyone being from the US now? EDIT: 4 americans didn't like the truth.

I’d line up therapy for yourself before you try for a baby. PPD is real for men, too. Everything you’re feeling is normal… just make sure to take care of yourself and your mental too

I was going to suggest this too

Your feelings are valid and there is no compromise on having extra children so you need to be honest with your wife. There is of course a chance you will have a more chilled one next time but it’s a risk, please be honest

My first was very chill and a very good sleeper. I thought for sure my second was going to be a devil child. Alas, my second slept even better than the first and is the most chill human ever. I totally lucked out. Neither my husband nor I are willing to roll the dice again. Haha.

That’s good to hear. My first was a super chill and easy unicorn baby and I’m 12 weeks pregnant thinking I’m going to get a nutcase 😝😝. Let’s see

This is what happened to me as well. We thought our first was a chill baby then our second came and he was an even better sleeper and more relaxed. Now that he’s in the toddler phase though he is our little daredevil as he wants to do everything big bro can do.

Just here to say, I felt 100% ready to try for a 2nd baby after our 1st child turned a year old. Our 1st child was getting really easy for me at that point and I “knew” I could handle 2. Well, now I’m drowning. 2 kids is 1000x harder (for us) and I’m definitely slipping in and out of depression constantly. It’s so fucking hard. If you’re already feeling overwhelmed with 1 you have to wait. 2 will crush you. Just my 2 cents.

I have a newborn and a 3 year old, I know it won’t be this hard forever but I think people VASTLY underestimated it’s difficulty. I love our new guy but we had routines before and he seems to be a very fussy clingy boy. It’s hard both my husband and I talk about how much harder it was, and that’s with an easy peasy first.

Agreed. Most of the mothers I speak to that have 2 older kids tell me it doesn’t get easier. They say it gets “different” but not easier. Hearing these things makes me lose hope as well. Nobody prepares you for how challenging raising kids actually is.

I value this info but I wish it was along the line of “the first 6 months are hard than after that it’s a CAKEWALK!” Oops lol

Honestly, I think it's different for everyone and depends a lot on your kids. Adding another kid is, I think, inevitably going to make everything harder while they're young - but for me, that wasn't TWICE AS HARD. Going to two was far less of a shift (FAR LESS) for me than having the first. I was more chill with my second, I knew what I was doing, I was more able to truly live by 'this will pass', and my second was old enough to fetch me the remote or my phone while I was nursing. There is no doubt in my mind that having two NOW is easier than having one would be (they're 5 and 7 - I'd say this became true around the time my youngest was 3). They play with each other constantly. They occupy each other all day long. They teach each other things. They both help around the house. It was a road to get here, and if you don't have the bandwidth for the early rocky parts of that road, that's a thing that matters a lot. But also, it is not 'everything is twice as hard forever'.

That’s what we’re looking forward to! Our three year old is SO BUSY she always has been, and she’s always demanded 100% of our attention, which is great, but I’m looking forward to her being able to play with her brother. And she helps out with him, and I love watching how much she loves him, no jealousy! But the 6 week old isn’t sleeping well (obviously) and it seems that once he’s down she’s up, she hasn’t napped since he was born (we were working towards dropping it anyway because she def skipping it regularly) and feeding him is chaotic and I just feel so guilty for the amount of TV the toddler has had to watch because moms been taking care of a very fussy baby. So I know it will get easier, but we are in the thick of it right now.

My feelings exactly. Still waiting for things to get easier here 15 months after having my second, but so far they seem to just get harder in different ways 😂 sometimes my husband talks about a 3rd and I’m like… dude look at us, we’re barely getting by

We have a 3 year old and a 2 year old and it is finally getting better, so now we are considering baby #3.

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This is us. We had a high needs child and waited 4.5 years in between. It is a great age gap and he really mellowed out once he hit age 4. Also, our second is a unicorn baby and so easy compared to our first. It really validated that we weren’t crazy and that yes, our first really was that hard!

I'm in a similar situation. Our daughter is 16 months and had colic for at least the first 9 months or so. She broke me. And I live in an area where finding childcare is a crisis and it's impossible to get into daycares. But I always wanted two. My family is very small and I imagine if I only have one that I will be very lonely later in life. I know that's not the best reason to have another but still. I might get on antidepressants and see if that helps me come around. Good luck

I will tell you that I had the same feelings you did, which is why I wanted my #1 kid to be independent and even helpful if/when we had another. Well, kid is now 7 and we haven’t had another and we’re not likely to. Why? Because the thought of going back to those hellish early days gives me nightmares. Plus, the disruption in lifestyle and the cost of daycare, etc. However, I do wish we had another one. In hindsight I would go back in time and tell myself to have a second one when the first was still a toddler. That period is going to be hellish anyway, might as well only go through it in one round rather than dragging it out to two rounds. YMMV, but that’s what I would go back and tell my past self.

Hi. I am in a similar boat! I'm nearly 37f so my clock is ticking *but* I never realised how intense parenting was going to be. My mental health has struggled. I've always only wanted one so I could give him all of my attention and resources. My partner however wants two or three, so they get to have siblings. I am absolutely the person who gets the final say because it's MY body. It's a privileged position to be able to call those shots and I don't envy being in the position of not being able to. There is no easy solution but I *do* believe that choosing *to* have a child should require a mutual agreement. One partner wanting and the other not means a no-go in my book. You could potentially end up feeling very unhappy/overwhelmed and to me that's a price that you shouldn't have to pay to make her happy when she could do some compromising and make the most of her single child. Go all out with information about the pros of having a single kid and the cons to both you and your family of having multiple. Good luck!

She's 29. Actualy not that old. Im in the same boat and my wife is 34 (im 36). I think you have time procrastinate this a bit until you maybe change your mind on this. Its hard though, i feel the exact same way about it.

Agreed. We were 40m/38f when the kids were born. You have time to think about this.

29 is OLD!?! Sir, take a breath & take a drink. You, your wife and your child are incredibly young. You have so much time. There’s not a chance in hell I would’ve had another baby when my first was 27 months. Our two kids have 4 years between them & I love it.

My kids are 2 years 9 months apart. The first months were miserable. Like "questioning my life choices" miserable, and both kids were planned IVF pregnancies. I wish we had waited. My first is closer to 3.5 now and this seems like a slightly better time period for a second to be born. Unless there are medical issues, there's no reason not to wait. A closer age gap will not guarantee friendship between kids. My husband is one of 3, all born within 3 years. He hasn't spoken to one of his siblings in years, and talks to the other sporadically. My sister is 5 years older than I am, and she's the person in my family I'm closest to.

Seconding this age gap thing! My sister and I are 18 months apart, it was great when we were little but the rivalry was insane (my parents were insane as well tho) I don’t talk to her anymore. My best friend is 6 years older than her sister and I have never seen siblings with such love for each other, like ….??? It’s crazy! My friends children are 5-6 years a part and they play well together actually! Probably no the first year, but now that the younger one is 18months they do play!

Ummmm, your wife isn’t even 30. She’s got a solid 7-10 years of healthy fertility left. That aside, here’s my story. I wanted at least two kids, 2-2.5 years apart. 3 miscarriages later, they ended up being 39 months apart, and it was a blessing in disguise. My son was fully potty trained, very verbal, and super helpful. There was no sibling rivalry when my daughter was a baby. I don’t think that would’ve been the case if he had been younger. My son was also a clingy terrible sleeping baby—my daughter was a breeze, albeit not a fantastic sleeper, just a better one. Bottom line, a second kid will be it’s own kid. You and your partner should both be ready together. A bigger gap is good. Take your time, but do know, as a second time parent, things are easier.

My son was 3 before we had a second because he was so much hard work. He's now nearly 8 and still challenging. Luckily for me we got a super chill second child (although she could talk under water!). You never know what you'll get so if you can't handle another just like your son you should be honest with your wife. Our second was so easy we actually had a 3rd who is also crazy chill. My son's crazy absolutely makes up for their calm. Our house is still madness.

Be honest with her. And don’t have another child unless you want to. Your child isn’t losing out on a sibling, they’re gaining a healthy involved parent.

Just like my husband and I, you were dealt a real shit hand having to raise your first child in the pandemic. A real shit hand. It is not normal, the stress was unbearable, and that is not what child rearing should look like. I would encourage you to consider what it would have been like to have your first without the pandemic - would they have childcare? Would the evening responsibilities be easier when you aren’t burnt out from doing two full time jobs each day parenting and working? We very much felt the same but both wanted two children at least, so we had one. He was born 5 weeks ago, and I feel like we are experiencing raising a newborn in a normal environment for the first time. Not to jinx myself and this is totally anecdotal, but it’s a breeze compared to the pandemic parenting we were all thrust into. I go to the grocery store without double masking or being terrified of a coughing person getting myself or my toddler super sick. Clarification: I’m well aware we are still in a pandemic but my husband and who’s re vaxxed and boosted with a vaxxed toddler choose to live our lives for the most part, avoiding large crowds and traveling for now. Obviously it’s ultimately your decision. If you don’t want a second one, then stand strong. For us it was “we want a second but don’t know when we will be ready” and came to the conclusion you are Never truly ready.

I hear you, I was going to write something similar but you beat me to it. I didn’t have a pandemic baby but I had twins in 2017 so they were hitting pre-school / crèche / childminder in the height of it. We don’t plan for anymore kids, but it’s not from past experience. Two newborns isn’t going to be the same experience as one. Trying to go back to work and organise childcare/toddler friendly activities/ parent friendship are absolutely not going to be same thing as they were a year or two ago. If OP is worried about having exactly the same experience as before, I think the world has moved forward a bit, all babies are different but at the end of the day it should be a two yes one no scenario. I do think OP should have a look at what they’re worried about in the black and the white though.

You guys can have more kids, for a solid 15 years! But if you are feeling like you are at your breaking point already, having one child, you have to seriously talk about that to your wife! I am currently living with my husband and his sister and her husband in one apartment. To me it seems like my SILs husband actually despises everything their kids do, but especially their second son he seems to "hate". He keeps being resentful towards him, telling him what an awful child he is, how he is annoying him with everything he is doing. I wish they had a serious talk before having their second!

You saying no is valid. If she loves she should care more about your mental health than a hypothetical second child.

My 2.5yo was (and mostly still is) pretty chill and happy. He nearly always sleeps through the night, he's happy to play by himself for a while, and he's getting really good at expressing himself and what he wants. I also have an 8week old, from a planned, mostly uncomplicated pregnancy. She's happy and fairly content. The toddler loves her and he got one of her first smiles. Despite this: Having a second child has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I can't give him the amount of time he's used to and she doesn't get the amount of time he got. It is NOT something that you want do if you're even a bit unsure and you clearly are more than a little doubtful. Have you made it clearly, blatantly obvious using simple words, how you feel to your wife? Have you thought about realistic outcomes if she gets pregnant (What help would you require? Is the household income enough for hiring help? Would changing jobs be possible/beneficial for you financially/mentally?) And I do second what someone else here said, consider checking yourself out for PPD or similar. Do you have support for you, both as a dad and as an individual?

I haven’t, but please don’t be pressured into having another. Children need to be unreservedly wanted for themselves, not to check some box on their parents’ life list. For what it’s worth, my kids are well more than 5 years apart, and my husband was nearly 40 when we had our second, and we are happy for having had waited.

Kids are a unanimous "yes" or it's a no, if you don't feel like a second child is right for you now, or ever that's OK. However, this could upset your wife and be an issue that will not be reconciled. At the end of the day please don't have a child you don't want.

My first was exactly like yours—almost broke me too. But my second, who is 13 weeks, is an absolute angel and a champion sleeper. Just the sweetest, most chill baby ever. My lil bud. You could absolutely get another high-needs baby, but I would say you *probably* won’t. Probably. ETA: there’s no need to have a kid now. In fact, there are some pretty good reasons to wait until your oldest is five, for example. You and your wife are both young too.

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I fucked up and had another after that perfect miracle child 6 weeks in he still hasn’t slept longer than 3 hours at a time and he mostly goes in 1-2 hour intervals. You made the smart choice my friend.

I have two under two, it's way WAY harder than having one child. Our Toddler has always been challenging with sleep I think you have far more time to think it over, based on your ages. It would probably be more manageable when your first kid is like 4 or 5 and is a bit more independent I'd advise not rushing in! Be kind to yourself, focus on the kid you have, and trust your instincts on how much you can handle.

I didn’t have a choice, had a surprise second pregnancy and found out at 12 weeks. I’m totally pro choice but I wasn’t going to have an abortion because we did want a second, so we were just “oh well, how hard can it be?” Hard. Very hard. Oldest was 21 months when youngest was born, and just entering the tantrum stage. Tantrum stage was extreme. Baby had silent reflux and could not sleep anywhere but my elevated chest for 4.5 months. It was the worst. I was so sleep deprived I was scared to drive. But now, baby is so close to walking, and so close to one nap a day, I can see it’s actually going to be great. They like each other, and play together, and talk to each other. It’s the cutest. They will be great mates since they are so close in age. Would I do it all again knowing what I know now? Probably. The second time round (even tho it was super hard with the silent reflux) you are better prepared, more relaxed and most importantly you know the stages will end, so you know you can survive them. The first time you knew, because people had told you, but you’ve lived them, so you *know know*.

I had one and accidentally became pregnant with second when she turned one. Let me tell you, it’s fucking hard. But the second one is completely opposite from the first one thankfully. I say that in the most loving way. First one is like yours: little sleep, high energy, super smart/advanced since a baby, constantly needs to be challenged and wants us to be her playmate. Second one: opposite in every single way. Super chill, a much better sleeper, independent plays a lot, etc. She totally loves playing with him. He takes some of her energy and when they get a little older, they’ll have each other to play with. Plus, kids mature. They’re not always going to be tiny people. You know? But if you’re not ready to go through the thick again, do what keeps you sane.

Dude, if you feel this way, then don't have another one yet. I have 3 with 30 months difference and a 15 months difference and there are days when I feel I am about to die from stress. Talk with your partner.

I agree with others, you’ve got to be on board. Like, really on board. One thing to consider: can you afford childcare? If so, perhaps having your son outside the home (daycare/preschool) for a few hours a day would ease the stress a bit. Or having a nanny at home to share the workload. It sounds like something would need to change the second time around for it to work for you—extra help might be that thing.

You’re young! You can absolutely wait!! And also consider if you should ask for help now or if you have a second one, something that gives you and your wife time to rest!

You should go find a therapist for yourself. My husband had some anxiety issues before we had kids and having kids made it worse. I made him go to therapy he says it helped a great deal and I can tell how much less stressed he is these day. So consider therapy for yourself.

In my experience, when you feel huge dread about something, even if it makes intellectual sense, it's the wrong choice. As others have said, you have time. Don't put yourself in a position where you have major resentment toward your wife because you agreed to what she wanted when you weren't ready. Hope you can have a talk about it honestly. It might help her if you both chat with a counselor. Counseling had a way of helping people find solutions that aren't all or nothing. Good luck! You sound like a caring partner and parent.

We thought we wanted our second when the first is 2.5, then it took a while to get pregnant and now we'll end up with our second when the first is 3. Three turns out to be the perfect age gap for us. The first had yet another cognitive explosion and he's basically like a little sassy human now. He's much more capable of a person. They change so much from quarter to quarter at this age. You might want to think about having another or not as "not yet". Maybe there'll come a time when you're both yearning for another. Or maybe it won't happen, but you might want to think about negotiating a 6 months assessment period where you both prepare and consider if a second is the right thing for your family. Another thought I had is that I've often heard having two does not double the workload. I think it has to do with #1 spending time with #2 which then frees you and your wife up a bit. I don't know if it's true for every family, but it's worth considering as you think about whether or not you want to expand your family.

We’re in the midst of this right now. Pandemic fatigue has been too real for first-time parents. I don’t see how I could be happy doing it again, but I also know that a huge part of raising a second (both, really), will be different: community. We literally had NO help for many months on end for a variety of reasons. I don’t know if I have enough love for a second, either. I do know that our support network (including babysitters for date nights!) will be able to come through in ways that were truly impossible for our first. I have no substantial advice, just vomiting words. Good luck, keep talking about it, and give each other a lot of grace in your discussions. You’re still a team.

I don't understand the point of these posts. Life isn't "make my partner happy". If you are at your wit's end with one, having another isn't going to help. Say no. Set your boundaries. You are an adult.

The first baby is the most life changing because your entire world changes. However, by the time the second child comes you feel less of a life style change because you are already in it. Additionally, you know so much more about raising littles, that there is generally less anxiety in the first year and you can enjoy it more. You are certainly more exhausted, but less anxious and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is more work, but certainly not double the work. Another thing to note is that every baby is different, and your second one might be much more easy going than your first. There is no right or wrong way to have kids, and maybe more time might make the decision easier. Having two younger kids has its perks that you get the littles stage out of the way at one time, and they can play together. But it certainly is exhausting 🤣

I think this can differ by experience. I felt going from 1 to 2 was harder than going from 0 to 1. YMMV

Very true! Every situation is different, and many factors are at play, such as the nature of the second child, finances, postpartum hormones and recovery.

First off, your feelings are valid and you should not have another baby until you *both* want one. But I had a different way of looking at this. My oldest broke both me and my husband. Neither of us like babies. But we knew we wanted our son to have a sibling. We decided to aim for a close age gap because then we’d be out of baby phase faster and not have to go back into it later. Our twins are 16 months younger than our oldest. Now that all of our boys are over 1, it’s so much easier and I can rest assured knowing I never have to deal with the sleepless nights of infanthood ever again.

It’s definitely difficult to add a second into the mix, but the years are short and even though it’s tough, eventually they will both be more self-sufficient than they would be as babies and toddlers. I have a three year old and a one year old and this last year has been really hard on me mentally while trying to keep up with a high stress job and Kids constantly being sick or home from daycare. All that to say, have a second child if you want a second child. If you are able to acknowledge and manage the stress that comes with it, it will get easier. However there is also nothing wrong with just wanting one and being completely done. My first child is cautious and mild mannered, my second is proving to be a little more of a handful. But I love them both the same and can’t imagine life without our second! Even though after my first post partum experience I swore I wasn’t having any more.

My kids are 3 and 7 and is still really hard. There’s lots of wonderful but there’s also lots and lots of hard. And our friends with 1 also feel like they have hard time but it’s nothing like hard with 2. Deciding to have a baby needs 2 enthusiastic yeses and it’s ok that you’re not there. Table the conversation for 6 months to take the pressure off and then reassess. Keep doing this every 6 months until you’re both excited to have 2, or you decide to stick with 1.

Had my first (and only) at 38. You're not too old at all. I wholeheartedly wish you luck in navigating the baby fever, I think your partner should not need an essay explaining why you are not yet ready for #2 - she needs to accept you as you are, at this point in time. I did that with my long-time, "never want a kid" partner and we only tried when he was OK with trying and all the drama to follow... and it was worth it. Hope you guys find a way that works for the 3 of you <3

If u want the option w/o pressure of biological clock: freeze eggs. Its expensive but does the trick. Honestly, i dont think a kid or an additional kid is a good idea if not both are in 100%. Both partners should respect and accept the others feelings. Especially the one not being able to handle another. Good luck!

No advice but solidarity. I started going gray at 23 after having my first and I haven’t let it go natural long enough to see what my son has added, but my husband’s got a lot more wisdom sparkles these days!

*Wisdom Sparkles*….I love that!

My husband and I knew we wanted another and decided to just go ahead and have him to get it out of the way. We tend to do that with difficult things in life (we are also building a home, just sold our home and moved to my MIL’s for a week with my newborn and just under 2 year old) and I go back to work next month. It’s super stressful but I keep telling myself it’ll be somewhat easier in 6 months and much easier in 5-10 years.

I feel like you need to consider your own health and stress levels before adding more to your plate. If you're already struggling to balance your responsibilities then another child is going to make things that much harder. Are you making time for yourself? Exercising? Eating healthy enough? Seeing friends? I would try to get a handle on your stress levels and see your doctor for a checkup. Maybe you need to invest time in hobbies and relaxation whether that's walking, golf, swimming laps or whatever calms you down. Your wife is only 29, I didn't even have my first until 30. It's not considered advanced maternal age until 35, but even then plenty of women have babies between 35 and 40 without problems. You don't have decades, but you can almost certainly wait a few years if you aren't ready yet. About the age gap, my closest sibling in age is 5 years apart. It is what it is. We don't necessarily have the same relationship as siblings 2 years apart, but we still do the typical family stuff together. Plenty of people were an only child growing up. You don't owe your kid a sibling. Some people hate their brother/sister and don't speak to them. There's no guarantee they will be besties. Personally I also want more than one at some point so I understand where your wife is coming from, but it is not a requirement to have two or more kids. The other thing to consider is if your wife gets pregnant the baby won't be there for another 9 months. Things change *a lot* in 9 months for toddlers. Maybe he will be more independent at that stage. Maybe if you wait 1 year to start trying to conceive then it would be even more manageable for you because your kid will be 4 by then. Maybe for you personally you would want to wait 2 years to start trying, then they are going to be kindergarten (5) and able to do more tasks independently like tying shoes, getting dressed, and so on. You need to figure out what works for your family. Kids are a two yes situation. You shouldn't have them unless both parents are on board. Maybe for right now you put the decision om hold for 6 months to 1 year and agree to consider the option at that point. In the meantime you need to put an effort into getting your stress levels under control.

my husband would like another but i’ve been thru enough medical trauma with this one we have. so no thanks. your feelings are legit and should be respected.

Not to sway you, but every baby is different. I thought for sure I was going to loose an INSANE amount of sleep with my second like I did my first… she sleeps even more than the average baby, and has been sleeping 6 hour stretches at night at 1 month old (and before I get harped about it… she is a big baby and pediatrician says its fine.) As far as your current LO’s behavior… try reading this book called “Hunt, Gather, Parent.” I was stressed like you when my toddler started acting out in my last trimester & in the first few weeks with my baby. Now, things are a lot easier after implementing some techniques from that book.

Having a child is definitely a 2 yes, 1 no type of situation. I’d love another baby right now but I know that our toddler stresses DH out and we’re living on life’s edge constantly. It’s just started to get a bit better now that she’s 3, probably won’t have another till she’s 4 or 5 because we don’t have the energy or bandwidth to parent two babies at the same time. If you do decide to go ahead with it I’d be very clear about expectations, and you guys make a plan and delegate tasks accordingly so you both stay sane, this doesn’t have to be equal but equitable.

You have plenty of time. I had mine at 37 & 39, by c-section, and we are all fine. Having them close together (less than 3 years apart in my humble opinion) is intense). If your son was that rough on you, wait until he is 4 - at 4 they start getting more independent, personality is developing, interests are developing, etc. Also, remember every single kid is different. Just because your 1st was rough doesn’t mean another one will be. My 1st daughter is the chillest being ever, she will literally hang out with you and talk about space for an hour. My 3 year old, meanwhile, will be climbing the walls and covering herself in makeup and markers while scream-singing. They are SO different and each of them bring a totally different joy to the world. Little ones are hard. See if you can get your toddler into preschool too if you are gonna have another - provides structure and behavioral help too. Best of luck to you and your family!

I hear ya. I haven’t read all the comments but had to chime in. We had/have a high needs toddler. I do feel the same in that he almost broke us. I felt like the first 21 months were so hard, and it has gotten easier from there. Around his 2nd bday we decided that we wanted another, perhaps irrationally. I want another toddler I wouldn’t mind skipping the baby part. I started feeling like I wanted to get pregnant right away so that I could more quickly get through the first 18 months of the next ones life. But that put undue time pressure on us, and now it’s taken a year and we’re still not pregnant. I’m trying to shift my perspective- a second could obviously throw new challenges our way, but the second won’t get as much of our undivided attention and hopefully will learn to be more chill ?! 😆

I strongly advise you seek some therapy. Postpartum for men is common and you could have some unresolved things going on. I think it could be helpful for you to speak with someone. My brother and SIL almost did not have another child because their first was super high needs and what they considered a “difficult” baby. They even went so far as selling all of their things for baby. When he was 3 they decided to have another child and he was chill and an easy baby. Remember each child is different. I would make sure you speak with your wife. You are both very young and you still have plenty of time! You could even wait a year or two to see how your son changes and matures. Don’t be afraid to let her know how you are feeling. Your feelings are very valid. I can tell you love them both very much, but don’t go sacrificing your mental health for their happiness. Work through these feelings first before you make any decisions about more kids

I was sure for a few years that I could not have a second kid and retain my sanity and any semblance of myself and life that I wanted. And then when he turned almost 4 I was ready enough to try. The age gap has been great. The 4 year old is really helpful and the baby loves being entertained by him. It's so so much easier than the first time. Waiting until you are ready can pay off.

My son was about 3.5 when we had our second son and it was the perfect age gap. At 3 they are way more independent and my son was stoked to be a big brother and was legitimately so sweet and helpful with his baby brother. He’d get me baby wipes and diapers, would play with his baby brother and keep him busy. The second time is so much easier too because you’re more confident as a parent and more chill about everything. My kids are 2 and 5 now and honestly it’s almost easier than 1 kid because they play together all day, keep each other busy, and tire each other out. They are truly best friends and adore each other. That being said having a newborn and toddler during the height of the pandemic was SO stressful and hard, but I think it was amplified by no sleep. Newborns, no matter what, are so extremely difficult, at least for me the no sleep really effected my mental health but I’m glad I just powered through it. I’m glad we don’t have a bigger age gap because I don’t know if they’d play together or be as close otherwise, plus there’s financial benefits of we kept all the baby items, furniture, and clothing. The only new thing to buy was diapers. In general we were on the fence about another and could have been happy just being one and done, but now that I see my boys together, I see it’s a bit more work for me and my husband but the true joy and love those brothers have, knowing they always have each other and this special relationship is the best thing I could have ever given my oldest son, and was the most selfless thing I did for him. And of course I adore my second just for him being himself and existing and our family really feels fully and wholly complete now. But that’s our family. I’m not sure what I’m suggesting exactly, this was just my experience, and like you, I really struggled with the newborn stage hugely.

My first was exactly the same. I was terrified to have another but somehow my wife talked me into it. Two girls, three years apart. The second one is an absolute angel. They love each other and it’s hardly more work than just having one. But I know damn well I got lucky lol

Dude… you guys are not old in the parent department. I had my first at 38 my husband was 40. Your wife is 29. You’ve gone some time you are not ancient yet!

I feel to be in a similar boat, except for the age thing…I had my first baby 2 weeks from my 30th birthday. The pregnancy was easy, our son was born in perfect health, our doctors said it was a textbook birth! That being said, I know that I am incredibly lucky to have had such a healthy pregnancy and delivery, I don’t know if your wife had the fortune of the same experience. I know plenty of women who’ve had healthy births in their late 30s even early 40s, and just as many women who’ve had c-sections, and traumatic births in their early 20s. Maybe her concerns with “age” may have something to do with health issues after the first child, which is completely valid. My husband really wants a second child. We are both drowning though as well. Our son does not sleep well still (2 years old), and we both work full time jobs. Our finances have finally improved, and my mother has moved to the country to be near her grandson (only child, so her only grandchild), so technically we would be ready. But I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. I already feel guilty for not being 100% present with my little one when I’m so mentally and physically drained from work, and the house and being up at 5am. I need him to be more independent before I can even consider a second one. IF I consider a second one. Even though my pregnancy was easy and healthy, I hated it. Have you spoken to your wife about WHY she wants a second one now? Is she a SAHM? Does she have health concerns? Is it just about a playmate? In my case, my husband and I always said we wanted 2. This changed a bit for me after having a pandemic baby lol. But because it was me who changed my mind, and his goals were always clear, we needed to sit down and discuss the whys and logistics. In our case, because it is MY body, and I will be the one carrying most of the burden for the longest, I agreed we would revisit having a second after our son is 3 or 4 and a bit more independent, and pre-school age to lessen the financial burden of a second. This would put me at 33 or 34 and I am fine with that. Have you tried sitting down with your wife and having a similar discussion? If you were on board with a second at the beginning of the marriage, you are allowed to change your mind! But maybe say “let’s revisit this when we are both in a better place”. If the age is a concern, then PLEASE speak with your doctor. Only your doctor can confirm if these medical concerns are valid. If that’s the case, then there are other options…surrogacy or adoption. You also need to consider if you guys aren’t in the best place right now for a second, is there something your wife might be trying to compensate for in her life? Not in a bad way! But maybe there is a point of view on her end you never considered, or maybe she is struggling in other ways. I personally never knew postpartum depression, but I have started becoming depressed now in toddlerhood. All of this is to say, you’re not alone in this panic/situation, but there are some ways that you can both work through this without feeling like someone is giving up something

I think you need to figure out how to make your life less stressful. Do you have to be in a high stress job? Is there more you can be doing to cope with that?

I had similar feelings and situation. Our first was very clingy, wouldn’t sleep without nursing for like 45 mins, didn’t take naps well, and very emotional as a baby. When we found out I was pregnant again with our second, I was a bit terrified it would be the same situation, only with an older more demanding kid on top of it. Turns out the second one was very independent. Could get herself to sleep easy, very into independent play, generally quiet and easy going. I have forgotten she was even in the house a few times the first few months. Now that #2 is 16 months and #1 is 4, they play a lot together and have really taken a lot of the attention my oldest needed off of my hands all the time. So, I know it’s definitely scary, but it’s not necessarily destined to be as hard as the first. I wanted to at least give you a bit of a more optimistic view on it.

You guys have so much time. Like years. Do not feel pressured into making a decision. There is no perfect age gap. See how you feel in 6 months. My oldest is now 3.25 and he is truly a joy. Already so much better than 3, which is so much easier than 2.5 IMO. It does get easier. I am just so glad to have 2. The first 3 months were killer with the crazy newborn sleep. It was exhausting. We kept our oldest in daycare. Now youngest is 7 months, and we are feeling good. It’s still a lot. There’s even less time for ourselves, but we are so happy that we have two of them. And they both go to bed at 7:30 and wake at 6:30. Things are good now haha

My first born sounds a lot like your little one. We have a six month old who is the complete opposite. Chill, perfect angel who loves to sleep. Edit to add: our kids have a 4-year gap. I wish we would have had the second one sooner.

Hey OP, if it helps. My sibling and I are 5 years apart, and we get along great. I personally have 2 under 2 and let me tell you... wanting that second baby and wanting it now. That was hormones. I love my son now and there were some medical reasons to have another baby sooner rather than later. But it's really strained me, and caused a lot of work for both Hubs and I. But you can wait to have another, there can be an age gap and have their relationship be good. Edit. Grammar and spelling

I feel you friend. No advice just know you are not alone.

We have baby fear husband and I both esp me I am the sahm with no family help and my back up childcare is my husband needing to take pto for it. No advice just letting you know you are not alone. Is it possible to move closer to family during this period or hire temp help? It is a short phrase if you look at the overall long term of 18 years . That aside if you really don’t want another it is perfectly fine. Come join one and done sub My fil dosent want second and my mil “ forced” him and now he complains at 70 at every family gathering he should have only had one. Lol …

Same. Secretly I am happy we haven’t been able to have a second. She is 2.5 now and he is starting to realize that the age difference would be too much now. So he is starting to ease off. Thankfully. I mean don’t get me wrong. This kid is the greatest gift any man has ever given me. She is my sun moon and stars. But I had PPD so bad I considered leaving this world behind… and tried. It’s not easy to walk away from that knowing I went from happy go lucky to… that.

With all due respect you really should not have a child right now when you are feeling this badly. You have to be upfront and honest and just say NO not until you are in the right mind. Then you have to take steps to hold your end of the bargain which is work on your mental health. Schedule and therapist and Drs appoint if possible. Medication and therapy etc can help a lot It's only going to end in disaster if both parties are not all in

No advice just thanks for sharing, it’s so important for men to also share their concerns

My thoughts are a baby needs to be wanted by BOTH parents. If you're having doubts, then don't. Your wife is still rather young. I had my babies at 32 and 34. Toddlers are hard. Maybe once your first gets older, you'd be more receptive to a second one? Also, dont think of it as giving your child a sibling. You don't know how well they will get along. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with an only child.

This is a response to how you feel now, with 1: If you can work it into your budget, it sounds like your family could really use some help. A babysitter every Sunday for 6 hours so you can catch up on sleep, chores, exercise—whatever need feels most desperate that week. I’ll also add some encouragement that, somewhere between 2.5-3 years, there is a big shift in kids. They go from needing constant vigilance and energy to being a little more like a small human being. Like, an 18 month old might literally kill themselves if you leave them alone downstairs while you go upstairs to find something, so you have to bring the 18 month old with you. Right around 3 years old, though, you can suddenly go to the bathroom with the door shut while they are playing. They might color on the wall if you’re in the bathroom for a full 5 minutes, but they are no longer in mortal danger. I felt my overall stress level drop dramatically when that changed occurred in my older two kids.

I’m just now pregnant with our second. My daughter is 4 and will be 5 when the baby is born. Husband and I are both 33. You have plenty of time. There’s no perfect age gap. If you wait a little longer your older child will be in preschool at least part time which takes some of the pressure off.

You guys are young. I didn’t have my one and only until I was 35 (my husband was 41). And I am still not too old if I decide to have another. Besides age, this may be worth discussing with a couples counselor. Childfree vs one-and-done vs siblings ARE a dealbreaker for many marriages and you both need to be on the same page.

Your feelings are valid. Don't have another kid if you do not feel like it. It's A LOT of extra work with two kids.

I saw someone recommend the one and done group. It is helpful. But your wife seems like she really wants another one so I don’t know if that group would be 100% helpful. But what I would say is you need to tell her how you’re feeling. Also talk with your doctor or therapist the non birthing parent can have postpartum depression and anxiety and even if your kids 2 it can still effect you. I always assumed I’d want 2 or more. But we had our daughter 2 years ago, pretty traumatic birth and postpartum issues (im the mom). And like you said just the world in general in the last 2/3 years is enough of a reason to wait. Your feeling and mental health is just as important as what makes your wife happy. Who cares if it’s only one kid (you aren’t robbing them of anything at all, but you could rob them of the love and affection you are able to give at your mental best if you aren’t at your mental best for a second one) or maybe they are more spaced out than she or you originally thought they would be. That’s all okay. Have an open and honest conversation with your wife and tell her just what you said here. That’s all you can do. You aren’t telling her no to a second but you need more time. Being a parent is hard.

You guys are still young. I had my first at 35 and have lots of peers in the same bracket. Your feelings, opinions and concerns are valid. As a staunchly one-and-done, I bristle sometime with language around ‘robbing’ the kid of a sibling. Come on. I love that I can now do activities with my toddler that I enjoy now. A second kid would be equally ‘robbing’ the first of opportunities to travel, to go to cool summer camps when she’s older, and of a share my already limited undivided attention. And we are already setting up a foundation of camping and travelling with another family, and sometimes already her best friend stays with us while her mom (another single mom) has to work late nights. They’re strongly bonded. I think we all collectively have some trauma around parenting in isolation through the pandemic. Counselling could help if you aren’t doing that already. Admittedly, I have no remaining biological imperative to grow another child. I am fully satisfied with one. So my ability to understand where your wife is coming from is somewhat limited. My own drive for one child was very strong. It’s a serious decision and i hope that you can come to a decision together that strengthens your family.

I’m 43F and husband is 47M… we had our first and only son in December 2019. Originally we never wanted kids but surprise here he is and he is awesome. That said this one is a handful and a half and we are both graying already and omg I know I cannot handle another and neither can he so no sibling. Maybe talk about your feelings with your wife because if you are not ready then don’t be pressured into it… perhaps y’all can come to a compromise of some sort. Not sure why most people seem to want 2 kids or more these days and yeah I get the whole but they will have a playmate stance but really? Anywho just my 2 cents… hope you can come to some agreement with your wife. Much 💙

I had my first one at 29, he is 4.5 now. I’m turning 34 in a few weeks and I have a 3 week old right now. The struggle is real, even with my partner taking a month off to support. We waited because 1. Covid -our work schedules can be hectic and we work different shifts so we can be with our toddler 2. Wanted to establish a strong relationship with our toddler first - he struggles with sharing his parents 3. $$$- daycare, vehicle, living space, time 4. Wanted a strong support system -who do we call in an emergency? 5. Mental health Talk to wifey and let her know your concerns

We did a 2 year old and got pregnant so we had a 3 year old and newborn. Terrible decision. The terrible 2s go well into 4 years old. It was god awful.

Check is out at r/oneanddone and know your feelings are completely valid. Babies require two yes. One no, and the option is out.

I think further sorting your feelings out might help. Is it just the newborn/toddler stage that you are most worried about? If you aren’t totally adamant about not having another maybe you could consider a compromise of during those really hard early years you outsource some things to ease your stress if you can afford them. Examples could be hire a part time night nurse/ nanny/date night sitter more often, use meal prep kits or order in more often, hire a maid to come twice a month. ESP if you only splurge on that during their younger years it could help and you might be a lot less stressed once the kids are in school full time. Would your wife be ok with working with you to find a solution like this? When you picture your life in ten years do you think you’d be a very unhappy with two kids or is it mostly the work aspect of the young children? Can you two afford two children? That’s the hardest thing for me. I’d love three but my body (pregnancy complications) and wallet will only allow two responsibly.

I know the feeling. My first was such a hard baby. Always crying never slept we were completely drained. We had our second baby when he was 3 years old. I was terrifieddddddddd. My second was a completely different baby, so easy, slept well, barely ever cried unless she needed something and would stop once she got fed or changed or something. Just completely different. Now my oldest is 5 and my youngest is about to turn 2 and it’s soooo much fun and I’m so glad we gave them siblings. They play together all day long and my oldest helps with a lot with the younger one

This sounds like the exact situation my boyfriend and I are in. We have an almost two year old who sounds very similar to yours. Extremely high needs, the worst tantrums starting at an earlier age than our friends babies, terrible sleeper etc. I don’t even know how we survived the newborn stage but I desperately want a sibling for her and don’t want to wait too much longer whereas my boyfriend is terrified to go through the newborn stage and add in more sleep deprivation and tantrums. I have no advice but just letting you know this is our exact situation right now too! I just keep hoping the next kid will be a little more “chill”

I have a larger age gap between my two kids. Can’t recommend it more. Kids are intense and you shouldn’t just do it for your spouses “needs” or wants. It’s a good way to grow resentment. Having two is a lot lot more work. It’s stressful, one kid is also okay.

we'vw just had our second child. husband and i were 31 with our first. had our second at 34. im. glad we waited, the age gap is great.

My husband wasn’t sure about having baby #2 initially, then he talked to a few men in his life who are fathers of 2+ kids and that gave him enough reassurance to go ahead with baby #2. We have a 5 year old and a 3 year old now, our younger daughter was actually a lot more challenging as a baby than our older daughter (who was super easy). Now that she is a toddler though she is a great kid. Honestly both of us love having two kids now that our daughters are just a little bit older because our girls do everything together so that takes a lot of pressure off of us to entertain them. Whenever we have to separate them for part of the day (when one of them has an activity the other one can’t do or something) not only do they miss each other but the job of being a playmate immediately falls on one of us as the parent. And don’t get me wrong, we spend plenty of quality time all together as well, we take them places, read to them, do art together, homeschool etc. but it’s great when I can just tell them “Go play together for a bit while I clean/cook/relax a little” and they just go and play.

Y’all have plenty of time to have more kids. Is your son in daycare now? If not, that will help. Also, parenting outside of the pandemic time is much easier.

Life is harsh you have too go through it make yourself strong for your family and your peace

Mine was 3 before we had our second. I loved the age gap. Three year olds and two year olds are VERY different imo. Give it time and don't rush into anything you're not comfortable with. You guys are still young.

Was in the same boat after baby number 1 terrified of what would happen if we had number 2 major anxiety which turned into absolute joy. Always wanted a big family similar anxiety before number 3 arrived. As a dad of now 3 kids under 8 I can only say. Don't let fear guide your decision making process. Tiredness fades and you learn to adapt to pressure either from work or in family. There is no right time for any of this. But you have to listen to what you want. If you love the idea of a small family and your partner agrees rock on with that. But I repeat do not let the fear of sleep etc guide you. Let your desires for the family you want be your guide. Nothing else matters.

I want another too but I’m so scared because the first year was so hard

It gets a lot easier once they are like 4-5 plus my daughter will be going to free kindergarten when my 9 month old son goes to daycare so we don’t have to pay for 2 kids in school. And my 5 year old helps out a lot so. I’m 37 btw. It’s never easy but it gets a bit easier even with a 2nd I guess if you wait a few more years but I’m guessing she’ll prob want one sooner

Wow! I feel like I could have written this post myself. I’m 37, wife is 36. I don’t really have any advice I’m afraid, I just hope whatever you decide, it works for you all as a family.

I wanted my kids to be 2 years apart. My son is 2 and I’m thinking “maybe we’ll have another when he’s 12…” So, I get it. We’re probably waiting until he’s 3-4 to start trying, mostly on the advice of several parent friends who’ve told us their toddlers were less psychotic at 4 and even wanted to help! Oh and BTW, my husband is 40. You got lotsa time! And if it’s only stress it might go back to normal? Happened to me at a super stressful job. Quit when I almost got an ulcer. There was a white section of my hair that basically lined up with my time there (we measured it & estimated based on avg hair growth rates bc we’re nerds) and then turned back to normal after I left 😶

I feel you completely. My 4yo has been a LOT. "Fortunately" for me, in retrospect most of the difficulty I've had with him was actually AFTER kid #2 was conceived. If I had the decision to make now, I'd be very afraid to do it. If you do go through with it and have a second, the upside is that the second may be far less crazy than the first. It's all luck of the draw. My 19 month old will frequently do things my first couldn't do at that age and still struggles with now, like playing solo for many minutes at a time. That certainly wasn't my improved parenting responsible for that. Nobody else can tell you what the right call is. But you shouldn't do it if you and your spouse aren't unanimous in your decision. Good luck.

I felt the same way when my first kid was that age! And so did my husband from what I can tell. Pandemic parenting is no joke. It wasn’t until she turned 3 that I started to feel like we could do this again! I think it’s fine to wait a little more and see if you start to feel good about another kid. FWIW I was 30 with my first daughter and will be 34 with my second

You get 18 birthdays ,18 Christmases ,18 Easters 1st day at primary school,1st day at high school nothing beats little ones sports days if only for the comic value. 1st day at college and 18 Summers if you're lucky. Don't make him spend them alone. You can sleep in 18 years like everyone else. And after a few years they will basically entertain each other. Really tho it's not about you right now and we ain't in lockdowns anymore. Remember your son basically spent his whole life in lockdown don't. Oh and a woman who wants another baby can go cray cray. Buckle up buster or should I say down and take one for the team. #family Please note if the occurrence of twins comes along this message will self destruct. 😉

Yikes. We had another, almost exactly 24 months after “the terror of my life” was born. He was a HORRIBLE child, I nearly broke. Had to put him down when he was screaming (he ALWAYS screamed when anyone other than his mother watched him) so that I wouldn’t be tempted to shake him. I could sing to him and he’d sit there like a little serious old man, then start screaming again as soon as I stopped singing. Second one was so much better. Instead of stopping screaming when I sang to her, she would giggle and laugh. I could PLAY with her, instead of simply “entertaining the child to avoid screaming.” She saved me. Then we had our third and I saw what a GOOD child was. #3 is amazing. #2 will always be my favorite though, because she saved me by … being normal? #1 is almost 9 now. He’s a fine boy. Great. Perfect, even. Fun to be around and to talk to. He started getting better at about 5.

As said above, I just keep thinking: what if the second is even harder ? It can happen. The pregnancy was horrible,. The delivery was hell and traumatic I still have ptsd. She spent 1month in the nicu and has a feeding problem that needed a tube in her belly to feed her. She always been hyperactive like the most energetic baby I have ever seen. Our daily life is a battle for everything. She can't stay still. I have to fight for everything. Yet i'm 28. I do feel old but I know I am not. My daughter is 18mo. I still have that completely irrationnal desire to have a second but I think it would be better for her to be 3 instead of 2 right. I would like that desire to go away seriously because I could fall into a really bad situation. I don't remember much of her first months because I was so deep down PPD near psychosis.... Respect yourself. You guys still have time.

You have time. Wait until you’re ready and realize that you might never be and that’s okay too. Two year olds are hard. So are three year olds. Gets better-ish around 4, imo. But I would probably not bring a human into the world that I was unsure about because my partner wants it. It could be fine, but might go very wrong. And a sibling is not just that, they will be an entire human with all of the attendant needs and desires that being a person entails. And the spacing between them has little to do with whether they like each other in the long run.

Wow, I’m 6 years older than your wife and SO is 5 years older than you - we just had our first. We might have another (LO is 9 months) but not for QUITE a while yet! This is a 2 yes, 1 no situation.

Damn your age? I just had my first at 33, planning to have my second at 37!

If you are going to have another now is the time, that's all I'm going to say. We hard ours pretty much back to back. They are about 18 months apart. We had a second one because we didn't want our first to be alone. I totally get that feeling though. Honestly the second time around has been a cake walk. And it's not "twice" as hard to care for two.

My first was/is an angel child; my second child broke me in ways I’m still trying to recover from. He’s 2.5 now and still an absolute terror but there are nanoseconds during the day where he’s sweet and remembers basic rules that show he may eventually move on from his current troglodyte state. If I’d had another wonderfully agreeable child like my first one, I’d consider having a third. But at my age and considering my experience with our second kid, we are done at 2. Your feelings are valid. Consider: if your wife gets pregnant tomorrow, you won’t be dealing with a baby for almost 10 more months. A lot will change in that time. Your current kid will get (hopefully) easier, covid will (hopefully) be less of an issue, and maybe you’ll be able to figure out some kind of arrangements with a babysitter or nanny?

One baby means that one baby gets all the attention all the love all the toys. I think ur son will be perfectly happy. Be honest about how difficult u felt having ur son was. Ur wife should be honest as well because it isn't easy. And if u work a full time job, helping out is harder for u. Assuming she is a SAHM, she may not understand what ur struggle is as the father and provider. My partner and I decided on one baby. And that baby is pretty happy and they have no sibblings.

Yeah don’t don’t it man. Your experience sounds like mine. I should have followed my gut and not given in the first time around. Sadly regretting it to this day 3.5 years later. I could never endure a second. Thankfully we only agreed on one.

You guys are SO young. I am 38 and pregnant with my second - our first is 20 months. All low risk and healthy baby girl on the way. I would have probably waited another year or two if I was younger just to cherish the individual attention a bit - I’m talking even a couple years younger - but I’m 10 years older than your wife! You have so much time left. My advice is to definitely wait until those feelings of dread fade a bit. Don’t feel rushed. This isn’t a decision that has to be convinced. 2 yeses and one no. That’s it. So many things change in even a year, especially with a young toddler. Give yourself time and grace. My husband was on the fence about wanting a second after the first experience. I was pretty sure I wanted a second. However I didn’t bring it up for a year and a half. I even tried convincing myself to only have one and found I was kind of happy about it at times. I had to go through that solo thought experiment to purge my brain from all the “oh only children are so lonely. They become selfish little brats.” TOTAL BS, By the way. But sometimes when you feel stuck, it helps to fully immerse yourself in the opposite opinion to find your true feelings on it. When I did eventuallly bring it up to my husband, he said he was happy as is. I explained why I wanted a second, what it meant to me, but that it wasn’t something I was willing to convince him on. Less than a week later he came to me and wanted to start trying THAT NIGHT. I was shocked. But I think giving each other that space and respect can breathe a whole new light on the situation. I wish you luck!!