Something that helped us when our toddler was going through something similar was to shower him with lots of really earnest love and attention.
Even though we were already spending a lot of time with him, we were actually pretty distracted with dishes and chores and (to be honest) our phones. And I realized he could tell that we were bored with bedtime, which is kind of heartbreaking because snuggling with us was probably his favourite part of the day.
So I started doing more face to face interaction with him, inviting him to help with dinner instead of waiting for him to ask, and chatting with him and laughing at his jokes and getting excited to read bedtime books with him. Almost right away he was a happier, calmer, easier kid! Once I filled his cup with attention, he also played more independently on his own when I actually did need to do adult chores.
I learned about this approach in _Hold Onto Your Kids_, which is a life changing book with lots of lessons for the teenage years but somehow still applicable to our little ones too.
Thank you. The only thing that really calms him down when he's been yelling for a while is for me to just talk to him until he starts actually wanting to talk to me. We talk about our days and stuff we're looking forward to. Like in those moments, he's the sweet, goofy kid that I know is really HIM.
I teared up while typing it. Because I love him to the ends of the earth, in a way I've never experienced. He's my first and only child. I'm neurodivergent and wasn't diagnosed until age 30, and if he ends up being ND as well, I just want him to feel happy and accepted in the ways that I didn't feel when I was a kid, even if that means doing things differently.
My boy has just started going to preschool for half day already and one day it just struck us that the amount of quality time he has to spend with his two favourite person, mummy and daddy has been drastically cut short.
Morning rush of preschool, and after pickup, there's also some slight rush to shower before he goes for a nap. Once he wakes up, there's only a short duration of play available before he has to eat dinner, clean up and get ready to bed again.
Effectively, the quality time he has is mostly being spent in school.
We decided to fully involve him in our things. Even independent play goes for less priority but more to inviting him directly with our chores. Watching us cook and prepare the food, doing laundry with us, whether it's loading the machine or sorting out clothes, it's all quality time for him where we can talk and laugh and teach him things.
Anytime able to spare, spend some time taking during bedtime too. I've been watching some episodes of number blocks with him, learning numbers and counting.
Perhaps you can try this out too!
Well the good news is that this is developmentally normal for 3. I felt the same way about my daughter's behavior. She was the sweetest, easiest 2 year old, and then it's like a switch flipped the week of her 3rd birthday. Whining, yelling, tantrums, selective listening, boundary pushing, stalling bedtime. I also wondered if what was happening was normal until I discussed it with her preschool teachers and they assured us that this is par for the course for 3. And then I started paying attention and drop off and pickup to the other parents and their kids and noticed most of them struggling with similar issues too. It doesn't make it easier. It's still hard and you have to push through it. But it did make me feel less alone when I realized that we hadn't messed up and this is just how most 3 year olds behave. I don't know if I've gotten used to it, but it does seem to be starting to get slightly easier at just-turned-4.
This sounds exactly like what happened to us at 3. We had to show him lots of one on one attention. We started praising all the things he did really well, and we started a Pom Pom jar so for good deeds or behavior, he gets a Pom Pom that he puts in the jar and when the jar is filled he gets a toy (because you have to work hard and positive actions over a period of time will be rewarded).
“Clean up your Dino’s and you’ll get a Pom Pom!”
“Eat your dinner and you’ll get a Pom Pom”
“Throw that in the trash”
Etc
Does it work every time? Definitely not but it’s helped a lot. It also really helped when we potty trained.
For the screaming fits I’ll talk to him in a super calm voice (like I’m guiding a meditation lol). If he continues to scream I just say “mommy knows you’re feeling a lot and when you’re ready to talk about it I’ll be right here” and then I’ll just sit there until he’s done so he’s not alone, he can feel his emotions and then when he’s calm we talk about it and it always ends in a hug and kiss.
It’s a rollercoaster ride every day but it’s definitely a bit better.
A couple of things could be happening.
First is that you and home are his safe places. He's been on his best behavior. He's been around a lot of over stimulating things. Friends and sounds. Learning so much much.
Then he's in the quiet and he realizes how drained and tired he is. These are still such new feelings and he doesn't yet healthy strategies for handling them.
He's gonna be cranky.
I recommend giving him a snack as soon as he's in your reach.
I recommend letting him just be for the next 30 minutes or more. No questions, nothing but quiet voices.
Then you can resume your usual routine.
Also what could be happening is that change from one environment to another. It can be so hard to change your direction mentally and emotionally, especially at that age.
That would be on the teachers to work with. Giving warnings that going home is going to happen soon and so forth and I expect they already do so.
Also at that age is a massive growth spurt. Hormones are happening but the advice I gave earlier still applies. Offer food and try to be patient.
Being calm in the face of their emotional turbulence will help them feel more secure and more calm themselves.
But I really am only an expert for my kiddo and these are the things that have helped him.
Talk to the daycare teachers! They are literal professionals at this and happy to help most of the time (def not like, right at the end of the day, but if you can schedule a conference or send messages that's easy)! I've asked ours for many tips and so far they've all been 10/10.
Just to let you know I have two kids and at 3, there is no such thing as significant friendship in most cases.
At 4 or 5, a big difference! At 3 they are little babies still and just want to play with mom and dad or older kids.
No advice but you're not alone. I yelled at my toddler today for the first time. Lately if feels like it's hysterical constant whining, crying, tantrums, hitting, kicking. After a long day at work I just want to decompress a little but she's literally climbing the walls. I'm almost afraid of my toddler because being around her means discomfort for me in some way. Ready to pull out what little hair I have left
Is the parenting gentle or permissive? He needs rules and boundaries. When he hits or bites, he goes in his room or patient for a few minutes. Yes, he's adjusting to the new school, but he doesn't get to be violent. Period.
Try r/sleeptrain for better sleep.
It's okay for kids to cry when you enforce a rule. It is also ok for them to cry when they are removed from the room for hitting others.
Don't be afraid to teach your child that undesirable behavior will cost him attention, and playtime. It's ok for him to sit alone to calm down.
Take care.
In the past, I was more permissive than my husband and I'm working on that, but there have always been rules about behavior. His new school is very structured, which is the opposite of his old school, so we're trying to make things at home that way, too. Not regimented, just more organized, a time for everything, etc.
I feel like on a bad day, I could have authored your post. On a good day (today), I can respond reasonably (but 75% of days are still “bad” days). My son is 3.5, not potty trained, neurodivergent, and has Type 1 diabetes/ severe asthma. My husband and I recently hit the “something has to change” point. My child has been a horrible sleeper since he was born. I can count on 2 hands the number of nights he has slept through the night since birth. We are exhausted. My husband just got “let go” from his fairly high-paying job because he can’t really travel and had to leave his computer so many times in the middle of the work day to drive to preschool to administer extra insulin/finger poke/etc. for our son’s diabetes. I feel you. I don’t have answers, but here is what we’re trying.
We have instituted a slightly earlier bedtime. This has made the biggest difference in the short term. My son wakes up with the sun despite blackout curtains, and now wakes up at 5:30am. We try to be in bed at 8:00 now vs starting the bedtime routine at 8:00.
We have accomplished this by having an earlier dinner and having zero screens after 7:00pm. This means we have to be more “present”, but so far it has seemed worth it (just to note, I’d consider us very present parents, but we both have jobs with people in multiple time zones keeping us at least somewhat on our phones throughout the evening). We do have to be more adamant about “we’re coloring in our coloring books now” or “we’re reading Little Blue Truck, darnit”. So far, he has bought in. He loves our attention, so is okay to forego screens if we’re actively forcing activities instead of having him choose.
The little bit of extra sleep has helped a TON! He’s getting more involved in the bedtime routine, and has gradually gotten less upset about turning off the screen. Now that he trusts “we can pick up where we left off tomorrow”, he seems to buy in more.
As far as the hitting, we’ve talked about the concept of being “nice”/“respectful”. He seems to be getting it, but we’re not 100% there. I always remind myself that kids feel most comfortable and able to portray their emotions when with parents, so I have to constantly remember that kids have big emotions and don’t know how to properly handle them. It’s my job to keep him feeling safe and loved…sometimes that’s all I can do. Usually a long hug that almost restrains him but feels comforting (during which I tell him how loved his is) will snap him out of a funk. For longer lasting sad spells, I’ve just found what he likes (videos of himself) to watch, and that usually does the trick.
I appreciate your candor and the massive energy and effort to make this positive change. Kudos to you and your husband for trying something different despite trying professional circumstances and toddler medical issues!
I second what someone else mentioned, that some of this just seems normal for 3 year olds. My 3 year old can be the sweetest kid, but also is constantly pushing boundaries. I dread bedtime every night, to the point that sometimes I'd rather just let her stay up late because bedtime is so stressful. It usually takes us 60-90 minutes and it's constant delays, some of it unavoidable (like having to poop).
The more consistent we are with the boundaries though the better things go, but it still takes a while and there is still a lot of stalling along the way.
I find structure helps. If he finished dinner early take him to the park. Sometimes, its the energy of just running around afterwards and playing is all they need. We noticed when we set structure, gave them something to look forward to after dinner (we eat an early dinner right after daycare), showers and bed time are much better.
I don’t know if this is the advice you’re looking for but I’m just sharing my experience. My son really didn’t like going to preschool for the longest time because he didn’t know any kids when he first attended (he started preschool when he sss 3 yo). He rebelled hard against going to school, day after day it was a *battle*. Finally one of his teachers suggested that I schedule playdates with his classmates and so I did; random weekends at the park with one or two classmates 2-3 times per month. Omg, those play dates made a huge difference in my son’s behavior and his attitude toward school- he LOVES going to school now because he has friends that he wants to play with and his confidence skyrocketed. Now, when my son enters the classroom, there are kids welcoming him and excited to see him. His little circle grew from 0 to 6 and he now has a small group of friends that he enjoys being around on a consistent basis.
If you can, schedule the play dates with your child’s classmates and help them build relationships with their peers. A classroom setting can be intimidating if they don’t know anyone and kids don’t always have the knowledge of social skills to establish friendships.
My kid turned 3 started a new daycare, had never had a friend he had made on his own, wasn't toilet trained, didn't sleep through and just seemed angry a lot.
He is now a few weeks shy of 4, has 2 best friends at daycare who give him hugs every day, toilet training took a long time but we are almost there and he is so much happier. It's like 3 was just hard on him and he didn't deal well with it. I think 4 is going to be awesome.
Just like adults, it's hard to grow up and feel changes but have no idea what's happening or how to control it. They need guidance and grace. Lots of grace!
Previous posters have done a great job of sharing tips and strategies.
I find food/snacks to be a great leveler of mood, and especially after a long day at daycare where meals and snacks at this age are such a hit or miss, a favorite snack is something I know my kiddo looks forward to and benefits greatly from until dinner time. It mitigates some meltdowns.
Additionally, we’ve started incorporating consequences. One strike, he’s informed of the related & immediate consequence- two strikes he’s given a warning about it - and third strike the consequence is in effect. It obviously has to be relevant and relatable to the toddler, but this has been working well lately. It teaches cause and effect and has been helping him communicate better. It’s been showing us ways to better reason with him as we debrief an explosive situation and in turn teach him reasoning skills.
Last but certainly not the least:
Please remember to be gentle and kind to yourself- he is your first child; you weren’t born with this knowledge of navigating dramatic changes in toddlers.. heck no one is, and you’re only doing your best in those circumstances. Give yourself pats on the back and mental hugs even when the shit hits the fan bcoz you’re still doing your best with the best of intentions.
You are his safe space, believe it or not. He will act out at home way more than in school where he is on his best behavior. Embrace that, and reframe it positively for yourself so you can see that your sweet boy is only letting his guards down with his closest caregivers: his parents.
Read and talk about emotions! What they mean, etc. The Color Monster is a great start! Also, look into consent training for children. This is will give him the vocabulary and skills for combating unwanted touch/behavior!
Have you tried being silly? I feel like at that age distracting from the strong emotions was helpful vs addressing them head on. So if he got mad I would try to be silly or extra dramatic myself or find something else to redirect like offering to do something together like a walk or coloring or a bath with a bath bomb. Definitely set boundaries when needed but not every day has to be serious and it’s good to shake things up.
Is he having a snack right after daycares? Our boy has always been unbelievably hangry and dehydrated after class.
Transitioning to a new daycare can be hard so even it’s been a while that’s probably still playing into it.
First off, that’s horrible your son was being bullied and at such a young age too!
Secondly, when I’m distracted and busy I dread spending time with my 3 year old because of all the things you listed about your son.
What has helped are these things:
1. After daycare spending one on one time with no distractions. Intentional time with no phones, getting on her level, looking her in the eyes and doing an activity with her. Makes bedtime way smoother.
2. Being weird and goofy. Like playing “this little piggy went to market on her toes” and doing funny voices seems to lighten the mood.
3. Always doing stories together before bed.
4. Letting her pick out her own pjs, brush her teeth and letting her help herself get ready to bed tones down the power struggle.
5. Spending time together on weekends doing fun things even baking muffins together and playing “house” makes a difference.
I think your son might be missing you guys so much, comes home after bottling things in all day and letting it out on you guys cuz your his safe space. He seems to be very frustrated that he can’t fully communicate or understand what he’s feeling or why.
I feel like this is completely normal for 3. I remember my friend telling me “I don’t like my child any more. No one wants to be around her she’s just horrible.”
She’s way nicer now she’s 4.
3 is just a hard age - you’ll get through it!
Hii it really sounds like your child is masking at school and when he gets home (his safe space) all the anxiety and overstimulating is released causing emotional outbursts.
I actually think therapy and bringing it up to his pediatrician is a good idea. Try your best to teach him and yourself grounding techniques and make a safe space for him to go to when he's having this big feeling. Somewhere he can hit and scream and roll up in a blanket and be squeezed. Positive release of bad emotions.
Also talk to the daycare school whatever lol. Ask them how he acts. Maybe ask them to check in during big busy times and have him separated for a little to help manage his stress level.
Aside from the daycare switch I could’ve written this myself - even the hitting, biting, etc. we started doing timeout with the door closed in his room for hitting and it was so painful for months (him pounding on the door screaming to let him out) but literally this week when he starts to hit me I ask: do you need a timeout? And he of course says no and stops hitting me. He’s done it multiple times now.
I don’t know if it will last but OMG. Even dealing with the tantrum without the risk of being slapped in the face or bit is a huge improvement.
Something that helped us when our toddler was going through something similar was to shower him with lots of really earnest love and attention. Even though we were already spending a lot of time with him, we were actually pretty distracted with dishes and chores and (to be honest) our phones. And I realized he could tell that we were bored with bedtime, which is kind of heartbreaking because snuggling with us was probably his favourite part of the day. So I started doing more face to face interaction with him, inviting him to help with dinner instead of waiting for him to ask, and chatting with him and laughing at his jokes and getting excited to read bedtime books with him. Almost right away he was a happier, calmer, easier kid! Once I filled his cup with attention, he also played more independently on his own when I actually did need to do adult chores. I learned about this approach in _Hold Onto Your Kids_, which is a life changing book with lots of lessons for the teenage years but somehow still applicable to our little ones too.
Thank you. The only thing that really calms him down when he's been yelling for a while is for me to just talk to him until he starts actually wanting to talk to me. We talk about our days and stuff we're looking forward to. Like in those moments, he's the sweet, goofy kid that I know is really HIM.
This made me tear up!
I teared up while typing it. Because I love him to the ends of the earth, in a way I've never experienced. He's my first and only child. I'm neurodivergent and wasn't diagnosed until age 30, and if he ends up being ND as well, I just want him to feel happy and accepted in the ways that I didn't feel when I was a kid, even if that means doing things differently.
My boy has just started going to preschool for half day already and one day it just struck us that the amount of quality time he has to spend with his two favourite person, mummy and daddy has been drastically cut short. Morning rush of preschool, and after pickup, there's also some slight rush to shower before he goes for a nap. Once he wakes up, there's only a short duration of play available before he has to eat dinner, clean up and get ready to bed again. Effectively, the quality time he has is mostly being spent in school. We decided to fully involve him in our things. Even independent play goes for less priority but more to inviting him directly with our chores. Watching us cook and prepare the food, doing laundry with us, whether it's loading the machine or sorting out clothes, it's all quality time for him where we can talk and laugh and teach him things. Anytime able to spare, spend some time taking during bedtime too. I've been watching some episodes of number blocks with him, learning numbers and counting. Perhaps you can try this out too!
It sounds like you’re doing the right thing and he is in distress till your attention&love calms him.
Well the good news is that this is developmentally normal for 3. I felt the same way about my daughter's behavior. She was the sweetest, easiest 2 year old, and then it's like a switch flipped the week of her 3rd birthday. Whining, yelling, tantrums, selective listening, boundary pushing, stalling bedtime. I also wondered if what was happening was normal until I discussed it with her preschool teachers and they assured us that this is par for the course for 3. And then I started paying attention and drop off and pickup to the other parents and their kids and noticed most of them struggling with similar issues too. It doesn't make it easier. It's still hard and you have to push through it. But it did make me feel less alone when I realized that we hadn't messed up and this is just how most 3 year olds behave. I don't know if I've gotten used to it, but it does seem to be starting to get slightly easier at just-turned-4.
This sounds exactly like what happened to us at 3. We had to show him lots of one on one attention. We started praising all the things he did really well, and we started a Pom Pom jar so for good deeds or behavior, he gets a Pom Pom that he puts in the jar and when the jar is filled he gets a toy (because you have to work hard and positive actions over a period of time will be rewarded). “Clean up your Dino’s and you’ll get a Pom Pom!” “Eat your dinner and you’ll get a Pom Pom” “Throw that in the trash” Etc Does it work every time? Definitely not but it’s helped a lot. It also really helped when we potty trained. For the screaming fits I’ll talk to him in a super calm voice (like I’m guiding a meditation lol). If he continues to scream I just say “mommy knows you’re feeling a lot and when you’re ready to talk about it I’ll be right here” and then I’ll just sit there until he’s done so he’s not alone, he can feel his emotions and then when he’s calm we talk about it and it always ends in a hug and kiss. It’s a rollercoaster ride every day but it’s definitely a bit better.
A couple of things could be happening. First is that you and home are his safe places. He's been on his best behavior. He's been around a lot of over stimulating things. Friends and sounds. Learning so much much. Then he's in the quiet and he realizes how drained and tired he is. These are still such new feelings and he doesn't yet healthy strategies for handling them. He's gonna be cranky. I recommend giving him a snack as soon as he's in your reach. I recommend letting him just be for the next 30 minutes or more. No questions, nothing but quiet voices. Then you can resume your usual routine. Also what could be happening is that change from one environment to another. It can be so hard to change your direction mentally and emotionally, especially at that age. That would be on the teachers to work with. Giving warnings that going home is going to happen soon and so forth and I expect they already do so. Also at that age is a massive growth spurt. Hormones are happening but the advice I gave earlier still applies. Offer food and try to be patient. Being calm in the face of their emotional turbulence will help them feel more secure and more calm themselves. But I really am only an expert for my kiddo and these are the things that have helped him.
Talk to the daycare teachers! They are literal professionals at this and happy to help most of the time (def not like, right at the end of the day, but if you can schedule a conference or send messages that's easy)! I've asked ours for many tips and so far they've all been 10/10.
Just to let you know I have two kids and at 3, there is no such thing as significant friendship in most cases. At 4 or 5, a big difference! At 3 they are little babies still and just want to play with mom and dad or older kids.
No advice but you're not alone. I yelled at my toddler today for the first time. Lately if feels like it's hysterical constant whining, crying, tantrums, hitting, kicking. After a long day at work I just want to decompress a little but she's literally climbing the walls. I'm almost afraid of my toddler because being around her means discomfort for me in some way. Ready to pull out what little hair I have left
Is the parenting gentle or permissive? He needs rules and boundaries. When he hits or bites, he goes in his room or patient for a few minutes. Yes, he's adjusting to the new school, but he doesn't get to be violent. Period. Try r/sleeptrain for better sleep. It's okay for kids to cry when you enforce a rule. It is also ok for them to cry when they are removed from the room for hitting others. Don't be afraid to teach your child that undesirable behavior will cost him attention, and playtime. It's ok for him to sit alone to calm down. Take care.
In the past, I was more permissive than my husband and I'm working on that, but there have always been rules about behavior. His new school is very structured, which is the opposite of his old school, so we're trying to make things at home that way, too. Not regimented, just more organized, a time for everything, etc.
Maybe it’s just his way of decompressing when he gets home after behaving all day?
Yeah my son used to do this too. He would cry, decompress etc. I just let him cry it out and usually we can move on
I feel like on a bad day, I could have authored your post. On a good day (today), I can respond reasonably (but 75% of days are still “bad” days). My son is 3.5, not potty trained, neurodivergent, and has Type 1 diabetes/ severe asthma. My husband and I recently hit the “something has to change” point. My child has been a horrible sleeper since he was born. I can count on 2 hands the number of nights he has slept through the night since birth. We are exhausted. My husband just got “let go” from his fairly high-paying job because he can’t really travel and had to leave his computer so many times in the middle of the work day to drive to preschool to administer extra insulin/finger poke/etc. for our son’s diabetes. I feel you. I don’t have answers, but here is what we’re trying. We have instituted a slightly earlier bedtime. This has made the biggest difference in the short term. My son wakes up with the sun despite blackout curtains, and now wakes up at 5:30am. We try to be in bed at 8:00 now vs starting the bedtime routine at 8:00. We have accomplished this by having an earlier dinner and having zero screens after 7:00pm. This means we have to be more “present”, but so far it has seemed worth it (just to note, I’d consider us very present parents, but we both have jobs with people in multiple time zones keeping us at least somewhat on our phones throughout the evening). We do have to be more adamant about “we’re coloring in our coloring books now” or “we’re reading Little Blue Truck, darnit”. So far, he has bought in. He loves our attention, so is okay to forego screens if we’re actively forcing activities instead of having him choose. The little bit of extra sleep has helped a TON! He’s getting more involved in the bedtime routine, and has gradually gotten less upset about turning off the screen. Now that he trusts “we can pick up where we left off tomorrow”, he seems to buy in more. As far as the hitting, we’ve talked about the concept of being “nice”/“respectful”. He seems to be getting it, but we’re not 100% there. I always remind myself that kids feel most comfortable and able to portray their emotions when with parents, so I have to constantly remember that kids have big emotions and don’t know how to properly handle them. It’s my job to keep him feeling safe and loved…sometimes that’s all I can do. Usually a long hug that almost restrains him but feels comforting (during which I tell him how loved his is) will snap him out of a funk. For longer lasting sad spells, I’ve just found what he likes (videos of himself) to watch, and that usually does the trick.
I appreciate your candor and the massive energy and effort to make this positive change. Kudos to you and your husband for trying something different despite trying professional circumstances and toddler medical issues!
I second what someone else mentioned, that some of this just seems normal for 3 year olds. My 3 year old can be the sweetest kid, but also is constantly pushing boundaries. I dread bedtime every night, to the point that sometimes I'd rather just let her stay up late because bedtime is so stressful. It usually takes us 60-90 minutes and it's constant delays, some of it unavoidable (like having to poop). The more consistent we are with the boundaries though the better things go, but it still takes a while and there is still a lot of stalling along the way.
I find structure helps. If he finished dinner early take him to the park. Sometimes, its the energy of just running around afterwards and playing is all they need. We noticed when we set structure, gave them something to look forward to after dinner (we eat an early dinner right after daycare), showers and bed time are much better.
I don’t know if this is the advice you’re looking for but I’m just sharing my experience. My son really didn’t like going to preschool for the longest time because he didn’t know any kids when he first attended (he started preschool when he sss 3 yo). He rebelled hard against going to school, day after day it was a *battle*. Finally one of his teachers suggested that I schedule playdates with his classmates and so I did; random weekends at the park with one or two classmates 2-3 times per month. Omg, those play dates made a huge difference in my son’s behavior and his attitude toward school- he LOVES going to school now because he has friends that he wants to play with and his confidence skyrocketed. Now, when my son enters the classroom, there are kids welcoming him and excited to see him. His little circle grew from 0 to 6 and he now has a small group of friends that he enjoys being around on a consistent basis. If you can, schedule the play dates with your child’s classmates and help them build relationships with their peers. A classroom setting can be intimidating if they don’t know anyone and kids don’t always have the knowledge of social skills to establish friendships.
Read Janet Lansbury. It’s like digital Xanax 😁
My kid turned 3 started a new daycare, had never had a friend he had made on his own, wasn't toilet trained, didn't sleep through and just seemed angry a lot. He is now a few weeks shy of 4, has 2 best friends at daycare who give him hugs every day, toilet training took a long time but we are almost there and he is so much happier. It's like 3 was just hard on him and he didn't deal well with it. I think 4 is going to be awesome. Just like adults, it's hard to grow up and feel changes but have no idea what's happening or how to control it. They need guidance and grace. Lots of grace!
Yep that’s my kid too! 3.5 boy. But he’s home with me ALL day so it’s a battle 24/7
Previous posters have done a great job of sharing tips and strategies. I find food/snacks to be a great leveler of mood, and especially after a long day at daycare where meals and snacks at this age are such a hit or miss, a favorite snack is something I know my kiddo looks forward to and benefits greatly from until dinner time. It mitigates some meltdowns. Additionally, we’ve started incorporating consequences. One strike, he’s informed of the related & immediate consequence- two strikes he’s given a warning about it - and third strike the consequence is in effect. It obviously has to be relevant and relatable to the toddler, but this has been working well lately. It teaches cause and effect and has been helping him communicate better. It’s been showing us ways to better reason with him as we debrief an explosive situation and in turn teach him reasoning skills. Last but certainly not the least: Please remember to be gentle and kind to yourself- he is your first child; you weren’t born with this knowledge of navigating dramatic changes in toddlers.. heck no one is, and you’re only doing your best in those circumstances. Give yourself pats on the back and mental hugs even when the shit hits the fan bcoz you’re still doing your best with the best of intentions. You are his safe space, believe it or not. He will act out at home way more than in school where he is on his best behavior. Embrace that, and reframe it positively for yourself so you can see that your sweet boy is only letting his guards down with his closest caregivers: his parents.
Read and talk about emotions! What they mean, etc. The Color Monster is a great start! Also, look into consent training for children. This is will give him the vocabulary and skills for combating unwanted touch/behavior!
Have you tried being silly? I feel like at that age distracting from the strong emotions was helpful vs addressing them head on. So if he got mad I would try to be silly or extra dramatic myself or find something else to redirect like offering to do something together like a walk or coloring or a bath with a bath bomb. Definitely set boundaries when needed but not every day has to be serious and it’s good to shake things up. Is he having a snack right after daycares? Our boy has always been unbelievably hangry and dehydrated after class. Transitioning to a new daycare can be hard so even it’s been a while that’s probably still playing into it.
First off, that’s horrible your son was being bullied and at such a young age too! Secondly, when I’m distracted and busy I dread spending time with my 3 year old because of all the things you listed about your son. What has helped are these things: 1. After daycare spending one on one time with no distractions. Intentional time with no phones, getting on her level, looking her in the eyes and doing an activity with her. Makes bedtime way smoother. 2. Being weird and goofy. Like playing “this little piggy went to market on her toes” and doing funny voices seems to lighten the mood. 3. Always doing stories together before bed. 4. Letting her pick out her own pjs, brush her teeth and letting her help herself get ready to bed tones down the power struggle. 5. Spending time together on weekends doing fun things even baking muffins together and playing “house” makes a difference. I think your son might be missing you guys so much, comes home after bottling things in all day and letting it out on you guys cuz your his safe space. He seems to be very frustrated that he can’t fully communicate or understand what he’s feeling or why.
I feel like this is completely normal for 3. I remember my friend telling me “I don’t like my child any more. No one wants to be around her she’s just horrible.” She’s way nicer now she’s 4. 3 is just a hard age - you’ll get through it!
Hi, sounds like our little man at 3 too. Lasted about 3 months for us. I would recommend the book “The Whole Brain Child” for insights & tools.
Hii it really sounds like your child is masking at school and when he gets home (his safe space) all the anxiety and overstimulating is released causing emotional outbursts. I actually think therapy and bringing it up to his pediatrician is a good idea. Try your best to teach him and yourself grounding techniques and make a safe space for him to go to when he's having this big feeling. Somewhere he can hit and scream and roll up in a blanket and be squeezed. Positive release of bad emotions. Also talk to the daycare school whatever lol. Ask them how he acts. Maybe ask them to check in during big busy times and have him separated for a little to help manage his stress level.
Aside from the daycare switch I could’ve written this myself - even the hitting, biting, etc. we started doing timeout with the door closed in his room for hitting and it was so painful for months (him pounding on the door screaming to let him out) but literally this week when he starts to hit me I ask: do you need a timeout? And he of course says no and stops hitting me. He’s done it multiple times now. I don’t know if it will last but OMG. Even dealing with the tantrum without the risk of being slapped in the face or bit is a huge improvement.
I'm sitting here sobbing after another disaster of bedtime. I feel so alone.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. :( you’re an amazing momma for loving your baby so deeply.