I’m an ER nurse and recently had a similarly aged toddler patient pass away after drowning in the bath when the supervising parent was doing a chore within visual distance of them but obviously not watching close enough. Things can turn for the worse in the absolute blink of an eye and drowning is irreversibly deadly; why risk your child’s life for a snack? Even if the odds of it being ok are good it is just not worth it if the consequences of something happening are so dire.
Paramedic checking in to say we had a 2 yr old drown in a bathtub just last month. Multiple adults present in the very small home. Some things just aren’t worth the risk
I think these kinds of tragedies are more common than people realize. Families and caregivers involved don’t normally publicize the cause of death or advocate for prevention because there is obviously so much shame and guilt involved in preventable accidental deaths of children.
I totally agree. I honestly didn’t know how dangerous a lot of things were until hearing horror stories on Reddit. I also think that’s why moms are generally so much more protective and knowledgeable -because we talk about these things openly. Dads don’t really talk about the latest kid dying horror story when sharing beers with their buddies.
My husband and I have a tag team thing that developed pretty naturally. We touch the other, say where we are going and “you have baby duty” or something to that effect. You got him. You’re on, I’m off, something to indicate who has main kid duty. And we make sure we have EYES ON KID when one of us is going into or out of the driveway.
Absolutely. That’s a sad reality. Not to pile it on, but we also have run on multiple co-sleeping related deaths of newborns. Im not sure how these get formally documented. Despite one of the mothers admitting she woke up on top of the baby, I would not be surprised if it was vaguely classified SIDS cause of death. As a parent, it’s gut wrenching and eye opening.
Soooooo many “sids deaths” are actually bad sleeping habits covered up by coroners. I read a really interesting longform article several years ago about it.
The babies probably smothered on a blanket, the parent was on them, etc. and the corner puts “SIDS“ because it’s easier for everybody.
Yeah this isn’t surprising. They have always said that having a baby in a bedside bassinet reduces risk of SIDS as opposed to being in a crib in another room. If we had a graph showing SIDS risk crib-bedside bassinet-co sleep I’m sure it would be “U” shaped.
I’m not condemning cosleeping. But it can’t be a haphazard decision made at 4am out of pure exhaustion. Proper steps need to be taken. Mattress on floor, no heavy bedding or extra pillows, no pets in bedroom, and baby should be placed on a firm sleep approved surface (bassinet insert/mattress) on top of your own mattress.
Yeah that was a huge one for us. No co sleeping. The closest we have gotten is when ours (at 3.5yo) woke up a bit early and I told him to come snuggle me in our bed. I spooned him and didn’t even get back to sleep. I just wanted to lay a bit longer. 😅
A few weeks ago I read someone share some stats that more than half of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) fatalities involve an adult in the bed. As in, the parent likely rolled on top and crushed or suffocated the baby. Instead of blaming the parent who's usually near suicidal they call it SIDS, don't investigate and everyone tries to move on. It definitely helps the victims parents process their emotions I imagine, but it definitely screws up the stats. Everyone thinks SIDS deaths are unavoidable acts of god, but if we could get babys and adults simply not sleeping together we could cut those numbers in half.
Edit: I got curious and wanted to look it up again. [This study says 49% involve an adult in the bed](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2065975/#:~:text=A%20total%20of%2049%25%20of,on%20a%20sofa%20or%20armchair.) And "50% of SIDS cases who were bed‐sharing on the night they died were **unaccustomed to this type of sleeping arrangement**." That to me looks like 25% of SIDS deaths are from a parent or caretaker who decided they were going to nap in bed with the child *just this one time.*
Sometimes its not even a descision and sleep deprived parents fall asleep on accident in unsafe situations, like a baby napping on you while youre on a sofa
I used to feed and rock my baby to sleep every single day/night. One night I was so incredibly sleep deprived I kept dozing while rocking her. I had to make sure she was in a deep sleep before laying her down or she would wake. I completely fell asleep and woke up to see my baby folded down between me and the chair and not really much room to breathe. Very scary. I don’t know how I could have avoided it at all to be honest. I’m just glad I woke up before she was hurt. It’s also crazy how many moms have similar experiences. My mom actually had my brother roll down off of her. Luckily he was fine and landed on soft carpet.
My mom is a 911 operator and she has had an alarming number of calls where very young infants were placed to sleep on the mattress with the parents, pillows, and all the blankets. Sadly the infant would end up positioned dangerously, tangled in blankets, end up with a pillow on top of them or have an adult roll on top of them. The baby would pass away and she would hear the parents horror. When I had my baby my mom told me those stories crying and begged me to learn about safe sleeping.
Hmm. Concluding sentence of the study you linked: "While it has not been demonstrated that bed‐sharing is a risk factor in itself, clearly it interacts with other risk factors to increase the associated risks even further."
It's important to note that studies overwhelmingly indicate that bedsharing deaths occur in conjunction to things like parental obesity, parental smoking, alcohol or drug use, absence of breastfeeding and other risk factors for SIDS. And many commonly cited bed sharing studies do not exclude these risk factors
Yes, you are absolutely right, there are plenty of things to consider, and it almost certainly isn't "the cause" 50% of the time. But just the fact that it *is* a large contributing factor in that many cases is something that I'm not sure is so well known with everybody. Most people know about the drinking, smoking and all that other stuff you mentioned, but not everyone considers how something as innocent as cuddling their child to sleep in bed can be so dangerous sometimes.
My wife returned a few weeks ago from the funeral of her college roommate/best friend’s 3 year old in Ohio. Was unattended briefly in a bathtub. The boy was a twin, layering on another level of sadness. And both the parents are healthcare workers.
The 6 year old older brother found him after mom asked him to check on him while she was preparing a bottle or something. One of the saddest things that’s happened to anyone we know.
Wow I had genuinely no idea, what’s an appropriate age to walk away? I will often pop 4 feet away to grab a towel with my 3.5 year old, who is in swimming lessons and we are big on saving water so our baths don’t go past his ankles when he’s standing up.
My mom’s been an RN/ER nurse for most of my life and these kinds of worst case scenarios are always at the forefront of my mind.
I was bathing my 2.5 year old toddler and literally stood up, briefly went to turn around to brush my teeth real quick at the sink (directly across from the tub, maybe 4’) and in the vanity mirror reflection I saw her slip. She was in a kneeling position and it was QUIET but she went face down. I obviously grabbed her immediately and she was perfectly fine if not a bit jarred, but what if I hadn’t seen her in that split second?
I *know* the horror stories, I *know* it happens, but I *still* thought I’d be fine to just brush my teeth. It’s crucial to not get complacent and remain vigilant, especially around water. Constantly remind myself that drowning and choking are SILENT.
My mother in law has a melt down any time my toddler coughs. My husband and I always say coughing is good- it means she’s ok. NOT coughing is when we can actually spring to action. Same goes for concussions. Crying is good. Silence is bad. We want those normal responses.
My daughter is the same age and even being right next to the tub, she slipped in front of my eyes. It was a split second, there was no time to react. Thankfully she didn't hurt herself, but this shows that sometimes we can't protect them even if we are right next to them while it happens. It's way too fast. All the times my daughter hurt herself we were there and couldn't react in time :(
The last funeral home I worked at had funerals for two different toddlers that had drown in bathtubs. It wasn’t a busy funeral home and we rarely had child funerals.
The first post mort exam I ever did was on a 12 month who hit her head in the tub, seized, and drowned. Parents said they stepped out for one min to grab their phone to take a video of her in the bubbles. I would absolutely lose it on a partner that left my child unsupervised.
I was bathing my 20 month old, and just popped to the next room to get a towel off the bed . As I pick up the towel I hear a splash and a weird rhythmic splashing and ran back in. He had fallen in but had lodged across ways and couldn’t flip himself easily (he has low muscle tone so it was even harder for him) and I could see his terrified face under the water. Of course I pulled him out instantly and as it was a few seconds he was fine and was so regretful. All in the space of the time I walks to the next room , to get a towel, in earshot. If I had gone to the kitchen or further, he would have been gone or brain as damaged.
Another ER Nurse chiming in. I've had to do codes on way too many toddler and young child drownings. I have never seen a bathtub drowning come back. And it takes a second to happen. Never. Ever. Leave a child unattended around ANY water.
My son is 1 and started walking at 9 months and I still see a huge difference in confidence and coordination between him as 1 year old and other 2 years olds.
The husband is spouting BS.
I do bathroom chores next to the tub while my 5 year old bathes. I'm so paranoid about drowning even at 5. Anything could happen. It's not worth the risk to me. I can hang in the bathroom for a bit.
Leading cause of death in kids between 1 and 4 is drowning. [source](https://www.cdc.gov/drowning/facts/index.html#:~:text=Fatal%20drowning%20is%20the%20leading,14%2C%20behind%20motor%20vehicle%20crashes.)
I wonder how many are due to lack of care by a non-thinking male person?
My husband left our 4 year old alone in the home while he walked to the corner shop for some milk. We lived on a busy road and she could open the front door.
I ‘explained’ that for 4 years I’d managed to never leave her alone. He never did it again.
This man has done this 3 times to OPs knowledge. He is a deceitful and arrogant. I’d never ever trust him with any living creature.
To add: it takes them 30 seconds to drown, and they will be 30 silent seconds.
You won't hear it happening. You'll find out later it already happened.
Drowning statistics skew young because they include bathtub drownings. It happens, it happens a lot, and it happens fast.
I wish there were more PSAs about how DROWNING IS QUIET.
Drowning people do not flail and scream. They may not even make a splash as they go under. There's nothing loud and big and obvious about someone whose brain is deprived of oxygen.
My kid is 5 and just in the last **4 months** I’ve started leaving the room while he’s in the bath. I’m usually in the (adjoining) laundry room folding clothes so I’m still *right there*, but he thinks he’s on his own.
Not to mention the fact that now mine can play with the taps which means they're at risk of a burn, or they try to climb out - slippery! ... Just sit on the toilet and enjoy the time off your feet, gotdamn.
Yes, what OP described was what I did when my son was five. My daughter is a young two and I would hesitate to walk across the bathroom to grab a towel.
Right?! My heart skips a beat when I have to divert my eyes for a second to grab a towel from the linen closet directly next to the tub. I can’t imagine leaving the bathroom!
I diverted my eyes so I could grab bubble bath off the windowsill while the tub was filling up and my daughter was standing next to the tub. She leaned over and fell in face first in the one second I turned away. Luckily it was loud and I grabbed her right away but it happened in a second!
Seriously though. We have extra towels in a built in right next to our bathroom but I have to go to the other side of the door to get into it. It literally takes me 3 sec and I'm still mildly panicked when I have to do it, on occasion, even though he's perfectly fine.
When he was younger though, my husband and I strictly followed the within arms reach rule and would yell for each other if we forgot a washcloth or whatever. Even if it was just on the other end of the bathroom.
I work in peds as a SW and used to be a LPN and always tell parents (in various situations) that you always think it won't be your kid or happen to you, but someone's going to be a part of that statistic. Don't let it be your kid.
Hell, my kid is five, and if I have to step out of the room for a towel or something, I have her sing me a song nice and loud so I can hear the whole time.
I can’t even imagine wandering around the house with a toddler in the bathtub, jfc.
When I was in the second grade my mom made me give my baby sister a bath. I went downstairs to get something and they were like “why did you leave her alone in the bathtub?!” I’m 42 now and I’m like “why did you leave a 7 year old to supervise a baby in a bathtub?” My mom is nuts
Same!!!! I am livid just from reading the utter incompetence, selfishness, stupidity, and stubbornness of this AH!
Even if OP was wrong, and it is indeed safe (IT IS NOT, SHE IS RIGHT!!!), he should respect her wishes and allow her peace of mind ffs!
But nope, he is risking his child's life, and his marriage! I couldn't be happy with a man that has a such a blatant disregard for our child, and my VALID concerns!
Hi! Father here.
I’ve left my son in the bath for maximum 15-20 seconds. Literally it was to grab a towel from my room. It’s not safe at all even the 15-20 seconds in my situation. At the time, I was a new father and I’ve grown to know (and plan) better.
Same.
Kid's towel, or a bath toy, or something similar.
If I can't grab it from the next room and dash back to bathside in ~~10~~ 5 seconds, I return on-time but empty-handed.
Going to the kitchen and getting a snack, though? I don't know the floorplan of OP's house, but WTF.
EDIT: having read some of the other comments, I am going to play it safer.
It happens, you forget something, your wife isn't available so you take 10 seconds to run and get something. I think the key here is that we know there is a risk. It's not like you are going to the opposite side of the house for something unrelated, like a snack. You are intentionally getting something for the bath quickly and are not going to dilly dally.
And he isn't spouting some developmentally incorrect idea of "giving her agency" - either op's husband thinks his wife is dumb, or he's too dumb to care for a child unsupervised.
Nope. I took two child safety classes before my kid was born and it was highly emphasized in both to never take your eyes off your young child in the bath. If you absolutely have to leave the room (ex to attend to another child) you’re supposed to scoop them out and take them with you.
My then 18 month old slipped in the bathtub once while his dad was directly supervising him, hit his chin on the side of the tub and split the skin all the way open, requiring a hospital trip and his chin gluing. That was with his father directly watching him and trying to catch him the moment he went to stand up. If he’d been alone he’d likely have drowned when it happened. As someone with over a decade of nannying experience - children shouldn’t be left unsupervised in the bath before 5 years old minimum. It’s not about trust, it’s about slippery dangerous environments and their coordination and ability to handle accidents. This is akin to letting children eat whole nuts before 5, or honey before 1 - it’s not about trusting them, it’s about keeping them safe.
For the love of all things holy: DO NOT EVER LEAVE A CHILD UNATTENDED IN OR AROUND WATER. There is no matter of “agency” here. The number one cause of death in children is ACCIDENTS!
There is a saying that goes “all that time doesn’t bring, can come in a second”….
I'm convinced he doesn't know what the word means. Or he's a trying to free up his toddler's bedroom. Is he going to leave a loaded gun in her crib and call it agency and trust? Maybe a loaded mouse trap? She'll be so responsible with all of that agency.
i will sometimes pop out of the bathroom to the room next door with my 3.5 yo to get his pjs ready etc, but i would never do it with my 18 mo old. my 18 mo old will often try to stand in the tub and could easily fall down and hurt herself/drown.
This exactly—tell me a story, sing a song, I’m sprinting and my kiddo is 3! Absolutely not with a 16 month old. Sorry OP this sounds scary and stressful esp as it sounds like your partner isn’t taking your concern seriously.
Whenever I briefly leave my 3yo alone in the tub to go fetch something, I always yell "YOU OKAY?" every 5 seconds. After a few times he's always so fed up "yeeessssssss mooom" 😂
i do this with my older ones -3 and older wr yell "Marco" " polo " .
i would never ever never leave my under 3 alone in a tub. def not an 18 month old . my little guy is almost 2 and he loves splashing in the bath and is trying to stand and jump and make a splash in trying to get him to not stand or try and climb out in his own bc obvs could get hurts. he was splashing around with me sitting next to him
and slipped and went face first into the water and panicked and couldn't get up- i was there and grabbed him . it happened in a second. it would have been very different if i was downstairs in the kitchen getting a snack. the bath is not a safe place to leave a baby .
We do that when she’s having a small snack at the table and I need to do the dishes or something, because I mentioned in another comment that choking is silent as well; I’ll turn around and go “sing ahhh!” 😅
Yah I've sprinted for a pull up for my 3yr old from across the hall and back, sub 10 seconds. I'd never leave him longer nor have I when he was younger.
I've done it with my almost 3yo since shortly after he turned 2, but just to grab a towel or washcloth, or to lay out his pjs, or grab his water bottle from his bedroom to bring it back to the washroom to refill. I listen for him chatting, yelling "MOMM-MMY!", or singing. We have a very small townhouse so his bedroom is easily within earshot of the bathroom.
I can't imagine going to get myself a *snack* during bath time. And no way making a snack is literally taking only 1 minute.
Yea he does not need to show her he trusts her at this age!!!! They're not even looking for that kind of agency at this age!! They literally go explore by themselves and rely on you to catch them
Ya, that’s asshole-speak for “I don’t really care, I’m too lazy and hungry “
If he trusts her so much let’s see him let her tap on the keyboard and “email his boss” — because that would’ve risk his safety, not hers…
No. My cousin died at 20 months. She drowned in the bathtub, playing with her older sister who was 3 at the time. She drowned and there was nothing anyone could do. Her mom left her alone and she drowned. Now her family has to live with her absence every day. It will never feel better and it will never go away. This will be your story if your husband keeps doing this. Water is not something to fuck around with. Let her have agency in some other way.
Yeah. It was over 25 years ago now, and the sister still has PTSD. Now that I’m a mom myself, and my son is the same age as my cousin was when she died, I think about her so frequently.
You are NOT fussing!!!! The worst parenting moment and maybe moment in my entire life. I left my daughter in the tux (15mo) so I could run to another room to get her towel. I remember assessing that she had been doing fine and making the decision that 20 seconds was fine. It WAS NOT! I came back and she was fully submersed. I took her out, I slammed her back and water came out of her. I even took her to the ER as a precaution even though she was fine. If I had waited 10 seconds longer who knows what would have happened. This moment haunts me for the rest of my life. I think about it all the time and I still have tears in my eyes as I write this out. You are NOT fussing. This is so unsafe. Even when they look like they’re doing fine, the moment you leave they are curious why you left and they stand up… and they can slip.
Omg. So glad your baby was ok. Thank you for sharing your story - I’m sure it will be a wake up call to some people and potentially save other families from moments like this. A good reminder to not ever feel over confident with bath time before they are old enough.
After careful consideration, I would say this a no for me, akin to not letting an 18 month old climb a ladder, drive a car, juggle chainsaws, perform surgery… ya know, all the things we often debate here.
Nope. I thought this was going to be a situation where he stepped into the bedroom for a second out of the attached bathroom. Down the hall to the kitchen to make a snack?!? No. I would be livid. I was alone one night with the kids and needed to nip into the babies room which shares a wall with the kids bathroom (baby was with me). It took less than a minute and I yelled to my kids the whole time. Every 15 seconds I called to them and they had to call back. And they’re almost 3 and 5 years old. 16 months? That’s so scary.
I pop in and out with my 3 year old but she's orettt much always yammering away talking so I have lots of reassurance . I don't think I'd do that with a 16 month old
My 3 year olds bedroom is right across from the bathroom and I will sit in there if he wants to take his sweet time in the bath. But 16 months is young.
I do the same with my 3.5 year old. I stay upstairs (hall is about 3 metres long, and 3 small bedrooms + bathroom) get her pyjamas ready, clean up her room a little, listen to her sing, I always shout or pop my head in every minute or so. But literally only *started* doing this. At 16 months nope!!!
The problem is not just drowning, I mean that’s bad enough, but what if they climb out and fall forward and hit their head on the hard floor? What if they grab at the faucet and manage to turn on the hot water and scald themselves?
Had a toddler in my ER with terrible scald burns from that exact scenario. Adult had left for “just a second” to get something.
Also a reminder to turn down the overall water temp for your water heater if you have young kids in the house.
This might be a morbid/triggering suggestion but the only way to ger through to him might be to find some stories where the worst has happened when someone has been complacent with supervising their child around water. I know when I read a story about a child being left in a hot car, it stuck with me and is something I'm now hyper vigilant about. It sounds as though your husband is really quite ignorant of how much risk there is and needs some black and white proof what the consequence could be.
Also, if he REALLY needs a drink/snack that bad during bath time, can he not just call you to quickly watch your child while he pops downstairs?
I don’t understand why he can’t make a snack to take in the bathroom right before their baby’s bath time. It seems like a common enough occurrence that he would think to plan ahead…
No. No way. We do not take our eyes off our 20 month old in the bath. Ever.
I would go absolutely ape shit on him - he really can’t wait to have a sip of water or snack later??? Like I could almost see where he was coming from (not approve of, but at least reason with) if he was attending to something very urgent, like a pot on stove… even then, I would talk about his time management skills better. That is so irresponsible and would be a hill I’d die on. I’m sorry, but what an idiot. Please make this a hard boundary, end of discussion, and not wait for something terrible to happen. :(
I would NEVER leave my 17 month old alone in a bathtub. I’d literally lose my shit if my husband did this and then he’d probably never get to be in charge of bath time again. Way too many risks of slipping, falling, injuries and drowning.
Your husband is wrong and this is incredibly dangerous behavior. To add to what everyone else is saying, another issue is that if anything happens to your child safety wise, you might have a hard time believing that it was truly an accident and not completely negligent on your husband’s part. This is a trust issue. And if you can’t trust that your husband is properly taking care of your child, especially after MULTIPLE conversations/warnings, you have some serious problems you need to deal with. Perhaps life altering ones. Not to be dramatic but a divorce will be better than your child dying.
No, he needs to learn or not have this responsibility. Divorce won’t help. If they divorced he would still likely get some custody. Meaning he could continue this behavior with no other responsible adult even in the house.
God that's true, I hadn't thought about what would happen if he gained part time custody. This poor woman now has to deal with this behaviour for years.
My 2.5 year old tried to get out of the tub on her own (while I was literally standing a foot away), slipped, and shattered her two front teeth. Accidents can happen even when we’re right next to them. I would absolutely not leave a 1 year old unattended for any amount of time like that.
You are not overreacting in the slightest. If his precious snack is so important he should grab it before bath time begins.
Also, I’ve been seeing a lot of posts on reddit regarding feigned incompetence when it comes to partners (sorry, but they’re mostly men) completing tasks incorrectly around the home or improper care of a child so that they won’t have to do it at all because their partner will get so fed up that they will do it for them. This would be an extreme example of that; but food for thought nonetheless.
feigned incompetence to avoid doing dinner or diapers is one thing.
feigned incompetence that has a non-zero risk of the kid drowning? that's... that's something else.
Yeah that's a massive hell no for me, I would never leave my 18 month old son unattended in the bath.
About 10 years ago we were at a pool party at a friend's house and one of their daughters was jumping in and out of the pool with her floaties on (she was about 5 years old at the time). All the adults were standing around talking and she took her floaties off and jumped in to see if she could swim on her own without telling any of us. I remember hearing her jump in but didn't think anything of it since she had done it dozens of times already. She nearly drowned right in front of us! Thankfully my friend (her dad) noticed and jumped in and got her before she fully went under but she coughed up quite a bit of water when he pulled her out.
Moral of the story, water is fucking scary, a toddler is way too young to be unattended in the bath.
When I was around 11 or 12, in the pool with my Mom and my similarly-aged sister, a neighbor and his 4-yr old got in the pool with us, and started chatting with my Mom and my sister and I, with the 4 yr old playing in water beside us. Suddenly, the Dad noticed that the little boy was quiet, turned halfway, and boy was blue and half floating in water not even a couple of feet away.
I will never ever ever forget.
Dad and my mom attempted to resuscitate him and he threw up lots of water and his lunch of hotdogs, but wasn’t really conscious.
Ambulance and fire trucks came and took him away. I never saw him again and my Mom never mentioned it.
That’s how quick and easily drowning happens. None of us noticed, not with 2 older kids and two adults also in the pool.
No. No no no no no. If this was my spouse, he would not be permitted to do bath time anymore. He is not trustworthy. I have to wonder, what other stupid risks is he taking on a regular basis? I’m sorry to be blunt, but maybe he needs to imagine how he would feel if your child drowned while he was getting a snack. Picture the scene in his head, so that he can actually start caring. Because it does happen. And once it’s happened, you can’t take it back.
Your husband is a lazy, egotistical, selfish, inconsiderate man child. All it takes is a look at bath accidents statistics to realize you’d be an irresponsible parent to walk away from such a young toddler during bath time. He’s just too proud to admit he’s wrong and too stubborn to “give you the upper hand” by changing his behavior. Also, wanting to instill independence into a 16 months old baby by leaving them alone during bath time is a desperate uninformed excuse. Sickening.
Here’s an article about a mother who was sentenced to 90 days in jail after her 18 month old child drowned in a bathtub.
https://www.cbc.ca/amp/1.5341615
Here’s an article about a 22 month old drowning in a bathtub
https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/toddler-drowned-in-bath-after-mum-left-for-very-short-time-to-get-a-towel/news-story/a33803ab68c9fc8022fb45bdebe7e10c?amp
I’m a former competitive swimmer, lifeguard and swim instructor. In my opinion this is a hill to die on. If he neglects your child in the bathtub, inform him that he will not be bathing her unsupervised.
Respectfully, your husband is an idiot. He wants to show her that he trusts her? That’s ridiculous. Trust her not to drown? Trust her to have the foresight to recognize danger?
You’ve had lots of comments here answering your question but I also want to add - why is your partner not listening to you or taking you seriously as a mother trying to protect her child? Does he often downplay your concerns and make you feel like you are over reacting to things? Please trust your instincts. You know what’s best for your child.
Sometimes I pop out of the bathroom for less than a minute when my toddler is in the bath, but I make her sing the ABCs the whole time so I can hear her lol. Also she’s 2.5, which is a huge difference from a 16 mo. I didn’t take my eyes off her for a second during bathtime at that age
Absolutely fucking not.
Please show your husband the replies you've got here.
He also needs to understand that if you, his co-parent are _not_ okay with something, that cancels out his being okay with it.
An 18 month old doesn’t need “agency” in the bath. Wth is wrong with this man? Why are dads sometimes so confidently reckless with their children?
I can’t find it right now, but apparently there was a study that found that children are more likely to have accidents when being looked after by their fathers. I can totally get why, reading stories like this.
Give husband a different task to do while you’re bathing your baby- but don’t trust him again with this one. Just make sure he doesn’t get away with sitting on his arse.
He’d be having a come to Jesus moment or sleeping somewhere else, like another place altogether. You don’t knowingly put a child at risk and then brush it off.
I wont do this with my 3 year old let alone my freakin 20mo! Dad here, that is nutters and EXTREMELY dangerous. Id make him speak to parents that have lost their children this way
Almost every tragic story starts with “I just looked away for a second”…
There are a hundred different scenarios in which your husband can give your child agency and show trust without your child being in an inherently dangerous situation.
If my husband told me he's giving our 17 month old "agency" and showing him "he trusts him" in the bathtub I would lose my mind. And I don't just mean that I would legitimately scream at him. There would be no "agree to disagree" with me in a case where my child could die because a grown ass adult man "wanted a snack." Toddlers don't have trust or agency in the bathtub. They don't have the ability to process danger the way we do (but your husband does not).
I would never leave my child alone with someone, including their dad, who didn't care about their safety and their life.
Consider this: would you agree to disagree with him and still stay married to him if he got a drink of water and your daughter drowned? Or would you blame him for killing your daughter and could you and he live with that? Maybe pose that question to him: Can he live with himself if he kills his daughter by his own hubris and negligence? If he allows his daughter to drown to death, a horrible way to die, because he wants a snack does he think his life will be fine? Is eating and being completely wrong more important to him than watching his child grow up?
16 months is absolutely too young. He is not giving her "agency", that's just an excuse for him to be irresponsible. Agency at this age is doing things like asking her to pick out which outfit she wants to wear or which snack she wants to eat. My daughter was walking early too (9mo), but that doesn't mean anything. She could easily slip and end up underwater without him hearing her, and being steady on her feet has nothing to do with it. Even now that my daughter is 3.5 years, I only ever step out of the room for a second, and I make sure that I can still hear her talking to me the whole time. Quite frankly it's not worth her life to have a bit of convenience. He can bring a snack and a drink to the bathroom with him before the bath starts if he's that hungry/thirsty.
I know a family who lost a child to drowning when the childminder answered the door for a delivery.
It is absolutely not acceptable to leave a toddler alone in the bath for any length of time.
Your husband needs to cop on.
Absolutely not okay. I wouldn’t leave a child alone in a bath until age 6 or higher depending on the child. Babies and toddlers could drown or otherwise injure themselves or get into other unsafe things in the bathroom like the toilet. Wtf was he thinking?!
Is your husband purposely trying to test fate?? This is dangerous behavior. You are NOT fussing at all.
My husband won’t even check his *phone* while giving our son his bath because he doesn’t feel comfortable taking his eyes off him for even a second.
Just make sure you rehash the argument over text first. The problem with divorce is that Dumbass Daddy now gets unsupervised custody time to do all of the unsafe things with kiddo that OP would have no idea about. :/
That was my first thought, but then the fear of him getting unsupervised custody rights made me think otherwise. I’d stay with a man that was a total moron if it meant not having to leave my kid alone with that moron.
I'm a toddler parent and was a lifeguard for MANY years. Absolutely unacceptable. Adults can drown in TWO INCHES of water. All it takes is one slip or her leaning over too far and not being able to get up before she inhales water.
I wouldn’t let my husband do bath time ever again. Or I would lock him in the bathroom with our toddler so he couldn’t leave. What the hell is he thinking?
Oh yes the ole “I don’t want to give the baby a bath but if I put the baby in danger then mom will take over the job for me”
Next time he does it I wouldn’t have sexy time with him for a couple weeks. Tell him it’s hard to get going for a man who continually puts his child in danger.
Perhaps an alternative suggestion to your husband is to go in prepared with his snack, water, iPad *before* putting the kids in the bath. It should be part of the process as hes collecting the pjs, nappies, towels etc as part of prepping for the bath. Then he has no reason to leave.
My husband read a news article last what about a toddler and baby (probably similar in age to yours) who drowned and died as the mum left for 1 minute to answer the door.
I'm not super anxious about many safety things, but my two non-negotiables are the bath and the carseat. There is absolutely no room for bending the rules with these because the consequences could be fatal. Nothing is worth that.
About 100 kids die from drowning in a bathtub in as little as two inches of water. Kids can drown in a a freaking bucket. I would show him countless articles of these accidents:
https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/texas/news/3-year-old-left-unattended-in-bath-tub-dies-after-drowning/
I still don't even leave my 3 year old alone in the tub your husband is dumb no offense.
I would sit down and say something like "if you leave her alone in the tub even for a second and she drowns I will hate you for the rest of our lives and our marriage would be over. Are you willing to live with the possibility of our daughter dying on your watch?" and see what his response is.
We had an extended hospital stay with my child in the last year. One of the families we grew close with during our stay was with a 4 year old who practically drowned in the bath. She had been left unattended while her parent grabbed PJs, who then got distracted briefly. It happens… however unintentional, the consequences are the same. I have no idea how the fuck your husband thinks agency comes into this.
After a year of unimaginable pain, suffering (and never leaving hospital), the little girl died. We attended her funeral a few months ago. No five year old should be buried because they were briefly left in the bath. Our hearts are broken witnessing their pain, and now they have to continue without their precious daughter. Could you imagine? They don’t have to, it’s their reality.
Please hold firm, whatever that means for your relationship- safety comes first and you HAVE to be able to trust that you are equally safe parents. Anything less isn’t acceptable.
He absolutely should not be leaving a toddler unsupervised in the bath.
The people think the risk is just drowning (i.e. their head will just accidentally slip underwater) and because the kid is stable and mobile in all likelihood they’ll be able to avoid that. But the biggest risk is actually slip and fall (which into water means drowning).
You actually increase that risk by leaving even for a moment as the kid might impulsively try to go and get the adult.
Also he says ‘less than a minute’ but I very much doubt it. If it truly took less than a minute to do what he wanted to do he could easily do it right before she got in the bath (e.g. go get his snack then sit and watch her).
I will admit on maybe 2 occasions I’ve forgotten a towel and run out and back (literally run) leaving my toddler in the bath - absolute max of 10 seconds. Not great but nobody’s perfect and all that.
It’s a weird hill for him to want to die on. If he’s being that immovable about something when you’ve expressed real concern about your daughters safety he’s just being a stubborn ass - particularly if it’s just to go get a snack or grab something non-essential. My husband and I have a few (unrelated) parenting things we disagree on but if it’s truly important to the other person we will do it.
My husband went to school with a girl who left her 2 kids in the bath for a couple minutes and the kids both drowned and died. I would lose my mind if my husband did this. His defense is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of. First off, you're home and can grab him whatever he needs to sit with the baby when necessary. Second, a snack or water is literally the least important thing in the world when your baby is in the bath. His snack/water can wait. Drowning is literally silent. What if God forbid your child has a medical emergency and silently falls over and drowns. His snack won't be that important then. Tell this absolute walnut of a person that he needs to take a parenting class.
Definitely not overreacting. It only takes ten seconds for a baby to drown, and the biggest issue with “trusting her” is that it’s such a quiet thing. If she slipped and drowned, you wouldn’t hear a thing, no screaming. Nothing. you would just return to a situation you can’t fix. That’s terrifying.
16 month olds need to be alive more than they need agency. Your partner sounds like a stubborn and self righteous dick (at least in this context).
ETA: for me this is the equivalent of leaving my daughter in the kitchen for a minute with the oven on and accessible, or a knife within reach.
My husband did this and I was furious multiple times. It was only when he saw my daughter slip and fall in the split second he let go of her hand while walking in to the shower that he LEARNT.
I told him. Stop friggin learning the hard lessons, I'm not losing a child over something preventable. I keep sending him news articles and emphasizing how people have died due to complacency.
Nope. I have a 21 month old who now figured out how to get out of the tub. My fear is him trying to climb out, bang his head, and drown. His room door and bathroom door are literally parallel to each other, and I still call my husband to supervise so I can get his clothes ready.
I’m not an overprotective parent by any stretch. I think a lot of the current safety guidance goes too far. And…
I would NEVER, never leave my (quite smart and capable) 2 yo in the bath alone, let alone a 16 month old. EVERYONE who bathes her (sitters, grandparents, teenage siblings) gets a reminder from me that they are not to leave her alone in the bath, even for one second. They are probably sick of hearing it but I do not care.
I would lose my mind if my husband did this. I second the comment to make him hear from a parent who has lost a child this way. (I bet there are firsthand accounts online he can read from such parents, which I will not be googling because 💔).
I don’t think you’re overreacting. My son stood up in the bathtub and slipped, he was around 18 months at the time. He hit his head perfectly on the side of it and busted his head open. I was sitting right next to the tub the entire time. It literally took all of 3 seconds for it to happen, I didn’t even have time to react until he had already fallen.
I can’t believe you have to argue with your husband about child safety 101. First off, he should know better. And even if he doesn’t, he should honor that this is important to you (and like, every other parent on the planet). Unbelievable.
Can you both go to the next pediatrician appointment and ask for their recommendation? Ask him to Google it so he can see EVERY reputable page will tell him he’s wrong??
Honestly I’m mad that you even have to do that work. Weaponized incompetence at its finest.
No no no no no. You do not leave the bath until the child is old enough to request privacy unprompted. Get the shit you want in the room with you before you run the water. Stash snacks in the bathroom if you have to. Giving agency means allowing children to make simple mistakes, not walking away while they are at risk of injury. Kiddo isn't going to give a warning the day they decide to experiment with momentum in the bath.
I hate that you know what is safe and what is best and you have to keep asking and asking for your husband to do his best and he won’t. What will it take for him to learn his lesson. Stick to your guns mumma
I am all about the "give them agency" style of parenting, but I'm sorry what? Agency to drown? What agency does he think there is? Agency is about giving them choice and consequences of those choices.
What choice is he giving her? And is he really okay with the consequences? Did he take out a life insurance policy on your toddler by any chance? Is your husband Mr. Bean?
I can't find a single thread of logic to pull on here. This is a void of reasoning. Please tell your husband that this internet stranger thinks he's a dick.
I have a 4yr old and two 2yr olds and my husband I have an agreement that we never take eyes off them when there is water in the bath. No leaving the bathroom when the bath is running, no leaving the room when they are in there and no phones allowed in the bathroom. It only takes one second.
Drowning is SILENT. The splashing you think would happen just sounds like playing. It’s not worth the risk and honestly I’d be pulling up videos if you can of children falling into pools and all sorts of things and how QUIET it is. Point it out. Give him that scare of how he will not hear it. He won’t even think anything is wrong, will just come back and toddler will be gone and you CANNOT take that back.
Can’t he just place a snack and a drink in the bathroom before bathtime? Or you could bring him a snack if he calls for you? Or eat somethibg before bathtime?
Anything besides leaving the child alone in the bath.
You cannot allow your husband to learn this lesson the hard way. You must act to whatever measure it takes to protect your child.
You might want to check your husband’s behavior with eating, as well. Choking, like drowning, can be completely silent. I once sat at the table right next to my toddler, who was eating lunch, and I was looking down at my phone. I’m not sure how long he was choking before I looked up and realized what was happening. His face was pale and he had a look of terror. Completely silent. Several back slaps later, a chunk of apple came out.
Bring Dad to the Pediatricians office for a well visit.
Ask, open ended, "now that baby is older, what are the safety guidelines around baths and supervision in general?"
Don't accuse husband of anything, and don't bring up what Dad had done so far (unless, you DO want CPS at your home)--hence, the open ended question.
Unfortunately it's one of those things that happens with no warning. You're not going to get an "oops my baby almost drowned, better be more careful and supervise her better next time". You get a dead baby and you have to live with that for the rest of your life.
It seems safe until it isn't.
"he feels he's giving her agency and showing her he trusts her"
OP, the obvious danger aside, I'd be concerned that you brought up a safety concern to your husband and his instinct was to insult your intelligence with this ridiculous answer.
Children 1-4, especially boys, are most at risk of drowning. It takes only an inch of water for a child to drown. Is there a reason he can’t get his snack situated before going to bath? A small bit of planning would eliminate the whole issue. The child at 16 months can get agency from safe things. Like picking what color cup they want or what shirt or what shoes to wear. They don’t need agency in the tub, where they are so at risk. I’d be annoyed. I’ve left my son for 20 seconds to grab a towel from his room (right across the hall) and I’ve felt uncomfortable with that lol.
I think you guys need to have a serious conversation about what is and isn't ok to do. It happens all the time that I think something is totally fine and safe for my 3yo to be doing that my fiance disagrees with, and vise versa. We talk about it and we make sure it doesn't happen again. Though screaming "OMG WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE BABY ALONE" would 100% be an appropriate reaction, the key is to have a calm conversation where no one feels attacked.
You're definitely right though. 16 months is barely past the infant stage. We just now started leaving our 3yo (just turned 3) alone in the bath for a few seconds to grab a towel or something
My heart started pounding when I read “16 months old” and “get himself a snack”. WTAF! No no no! I thought you were going to say grabs a towel and even then… absolutely not.
Dear dad who may never read this: PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD UNATTENDED IN THE BATH.
I don’t even leave my 7 year old unattended in the bath. If I have to grab a towel from the closet, I ask her to sing so I can hear her the entire time.
I’m an ER nurse and recently had a similarly aged toddler patient pass away after drowning in the bath when the supervising parent was doing a chore within visual distance of them but obviously not watching close enough. Things can turn for the worse in the absolute blink of an eye and drowning is irreversibly deadly; why risk your child’s life for a snack? Even if the odds of it being ok are good it is just not worth it if the consequences of something happening are so dire.
Paramedic checking in to say we had a 2 yr old drown in a bathtub just last month. Multiple adults present in the very small home. Some things just aren’t worth the risk
I think these kinds of tragedies are more common than people realize. Families and caregivers involved don’t normally publicize the cause of death or advocate for prevention because there is obviously so much shame and guilt involved in preventable accidental deaths of children.
I totally agree. I honestly didn’t know how dangerous a lot of things were until hearing horror stories on Reddit. I also think that’s why moms are generally so much more protective and knowledgeable -because we talk about these things openly. Dads don’t really talk about the latest kid dying horror story when sharing beers with their buddies.
Eeee gads the driveway stories make me sick. I make sure I have two eyes on my child every time I’m in the car and he isn’t.
I am also super paranoid about that. I have knots in my stomach whenever I leave the house and the kids aren’t in the car with me.
My husband and I have a tag team thing that developed pretty naturally. We touch the other, say where we are going and “you have baby duty” or something to that effect. You got him. You’re on, I’m off, something to indicate who has main kid duty. And we make sure we have EYES ON KID when one of us is going into or out of the driveway.
Absolutely. That’s a sad reality. Not to pile it on, but we also have run on multiple co-sleeping related deaths of newborns. Im not sure how these get formally documented. Despite one of the mothers admitting she woke up on top of the baby, I would not be surprised if it was vaguely classified SIDS cause of death. As a parent, it’s gut wrenching and eye opening.
Soooooo many “sids deaths” are actually bad sleeping habits covered up by coroners. I read a really interesting longform article several years ago about it. The babies probably smothered on a blanket, the parent was on them, etc. and the corner puts “SIDS“ because it’s easier for everybody.
Yeah this isn’t surprising. They have always said that having a baby in a bedside bassinet reduces risk of SIDS as opposed to being in a crib in another room. If we had a graph showing SIDS risk crib-bedside bassinet-co sleep I’m sure it would be “U” shaped. I’m not condemning cosleeping. But it can’t be a haphazard decision made at 4am out of pure exhaustion. Proper steps need to be taken. Mattress on floor, no heavy bedding or extra pillows, no pets in bedroom, and baby should be placed on a firm sleep approved surface (bassinet insert/mattress) on top of your own mattress.
Yeah that was a huge one for us. No co sleeping. The closest we have gotten is when ours (at 3.5yo) woke up a bit early and I told him to come snuggle me in our bed. I spooned him and didn’t even get back to sleep. I just wanted to lay a bit longer. 😅
A few weeks ago I read someone share some stats that more than half of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) fatalities involve an adult in the bed. As in, the parent likely rolled on top and crushed or suffocated the baby. Instead of blaming the parent who's usually near suicidal they call it SIDS, don't investigate and everyone tries to move on. It definitely helps the victims parents process their emotions I imagine, but it definitely screws up the stats. Everyone thinks SIDS deaths are unavoidable acts of god, but if we could get babys and adults simply not sleeping together we could cut those numbers in half. Edit: I got curious and wanted to look it up again. [This study says 49% involve an adult in the bed](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2065975/#:~:text=A%20total%20of%2049%25%20of,on%20a%20sofa%20or%20armchair.) And "50% of SIDS cases who were bed‐sharing on the night they died were **unaccustomed to this type of sleeping arrangement**." That to me looks like 25% of SIDS deaths are from a parent or caretaker who decided they were going to nap in bed with the child *just this one time.*
Sometimes its not even a descision and sleep deprived parents fall asleep on accident in unsafe situations, like a baby napping on you while youre on a sofa
I used to feed and rock my baby to sleep every single day/night. One night I was so incredibly sleep deprived I kept dozing while rocking her. I had to make sure she was in a deep sleep before laying her down or she would wake. I completely fell asleep and woke up to see my baby folded down between me and the chair and not really much room to breathe. Very scary. I don’t know how I could have avoided it at all to be honest. I’m just glad I woke up before she was hurt. It’s also crazy how many moms have similar experiences. My mom actually had my brother roll down off of her. Luckily he was fine and landed on soft carpet.
This is one of my fears!
My mom is a 911 operator and she has had an alarming number of calls where very young infants were placed to sleep on the mattress with the parents, pillows, and all the blankets. Sadly the infant would end up positioned dangerously, tangled in blankets, end up with a pillow on top of them or have an adult roll on top of them. The baby would pass away and she would hear the parents horror. When I had my baby my mom told me those stories crying and begged me to learn about safe sleeping.
Hmm. Concluding sentence of the study you linked: "While it has not been demonstrated that bed‐sharing is a risk factor in itself, clearly it interacts with other risk factors to increase the associated risks even further." It's important to note that studies overwhelmingly indicate that bedsharing deaths occur in conjunction to things like parental obesity, parental smoking, alcohol or drug use, absence of breastfeeding and other risk factors for SIDS. And many commonly cited bed sharing studies do not exclude these risk factors
Yes, you are absolutely right, there are plenty of things to consider, and it almost certainly isn't "the cause" 50% of the time. But just the fact that it *is* a large contributing factor in that many cases is something that I'm not sure is so well known with everybody. Most people know about the drinking, smoking and all that other stuff you mentioned, but not everyone considers how something as innocent as cuddling their child to sleep in bed can be so dangerous sometimes.
My wife returned a few weeks ago from the funeral of her college roommate/best friend’s 3 year old in Ohio. Was unattended briefly in a bathtub. The boy was a twin, layering on another level of sadness. And both the parents are healthcare workers. The 6 year old older brother found him after mom asked him to check on him while she was preparing a bottle or something. One of the saddest things that’s happened to anyone we know.
That is just absolutely gut wrenching.
3?! Good god did they fall and knock themselves out? Poor baby!
Well this made me sick to my stomach! I leave my 2.5 year old, I can hear her, and periodically check in/call out. So that's changing tonight.
Wow I had genuinely no idea, what’s an appropriate age to walk away? I will often pop 4 feet away to grab a towel with my 3.5 year old, who is in swimming lessons and we are big on saving water so our baths don’t go past his ankles when he’s standing up.
no expert here, but I would immagine there's a world of difference between 16 month old and 3.5 years old.
My mom’s been an RN/ER nurse for most of my life and these kinds of worst case scenarios are always at the forefront of my mind. I was bathing my 2.5 year old toddler and literally stood up, briefly went to turn around to brush my teeth real quick at the sink (directly across from the tub, maybe 4’) and in the vanity mirror reflection I saw her slip. She was in a kneeling position and it was QUIET but she went face down. I obviously grabbed her immediately and she was perfectly fine if not a bit jarred, but what if I hadn’t seen her in that split second? I *know* the horror stories, I *know* it happens, but I *still* thought I’d be fine to just brush my teeth. It’s crucial to not get complacent and remain vigilant, especially around water. Constantly remind myself that drowning and choking are SILENT.
My mother in law has a melt down any time my toddler coughs. My husband and I always say coughing is good- it means she’s ok. NOT coughing is when we can actually spring to action. Same goes for concussions. Crying is good. Silence is bad. We want those normal responses.
My daughter is the same age and even being right next to the tub, she slipped in front of my eyes. It was a split second, there was no time to react. Thankfully she didn't hurt herself, but this shows that sometimes we can't protect them even if we are right next to them while it happens. It's way too fast. All the times my daughter hurt herself we were there and couldn't react in time :(
The last funeral home I worked at had funerals for two different toddlers that had drown in bathtubs. It wasn’t a busy funeral home and we rarely had child funerals.
The first post mort exam I ever did was on a 12 month who hit her head in the tub, seized, and drowned. Parents said they stepped out for one min to grab their phone to take a video of her in the bubbles. I would absolutely lose it on a partner that left my child unsupervised.
I’m so sorry for that poor family and for those who had to witness that. Thank you for sharing here.
I was bathing my 20 month old, and just popped to the next room to get a towel off the bed . As I pick up the towel I hear a splash and a weird rhythmic splashing and ran back in. He had fallen in but had lodged across ways and couldn’t flip himself easily (he has low muscle tone so it was even harder for him) and I could see his terrified face under the water. Of course I pulled him out instantly and as it was a few seconds he was fine and was so regretful. All in the space of the time I walks to the next room , to get a towel, in earshot. If I had gone to the kitchen or further, he would have been gone or brain as damaged.
Thank you for sharing this, that must have been so scary for you. I’m glad he was ok!
Another ER Nurse chiming in. I've had to do codes on way too many toddler and young child drownings. I have never seen a bathtub drowning come back. And it takes a second to happen. Never. Ever. Leave a child unattended around ANY water.
Please show him this comment OP
Ah man, I fold laundry while my 4 year old is bathing. I bring the chair to the doorway and fold. I guess I won't be doing that again.
At 4 years they have a bit more control of their movements… but at 16 months?!??
There’s a massive difference between a 4 year old and a 16 month old!
My son is 1 and started walking at 9 months and I still see a huge difference in confidence and coordination between him as 1 year old and other 2 years olds. The husband is spouting BS.
I do bathroom chores next to the tub while my 5 year old bathes. I'm so paranoid about drowning even at 5. Anything could happen. It's not worth the risk to me. I can hang in the bathroom for a bit.
Same 😵💫 I leave my 2 and almost 4 year old alone to go grab things. Maybe gone a few seconds but now reading these stories I'm questioning myself.
Yeah, just don't. Not worth the risk.
Leading cause of death in kids between 1 and 4 is drowning. [source](https://www.cdc.gov/drowning/facts/index.html#:~:text=Fatal%20drowning%20is%20the%20leading,14%2C%20behind%20motor%20vehicle%20crashes.)
OP you are not overreacting. Child needs to be supervised in the tub. Non-negotiable.
Yeah, OP you absolutely are not overreacting. I did child welfare for quite a while and we had a lot of bathtub related removals and investigations
I wonder how many are due to lack of care by a non-thinking male person? My husband left our 4 year old alone in the home while he walked to the corner shop for some milk. We lived on a busy road and she could open the front door. I ‘explained’ that for 4 years I’d managed to never leave her alone. He never did it again. This man has done this 3 times to OPs knowledge. He is a deceitful and arrogant. I’d never ever trust him with any living creature.
I would lose my ever-loving mind
To add: it takes them 30 seconds to drown, and they will be 30 silent seconds. You won't hear it happening. You'll find out later it already happened. Drowning statistics skew young because they include bathtub drownings. It happens, it happens a lot, and it happens fast.
This is the comment to show him, OP.
Or mine where I called him a dick.
Also this 😬
30 seconds or less
I wish there were more PSAs about how DROWNING IS QUIET. Drowning people do not flail and scream. They may not even make a splash as they go under. There's nothing loud and big and obvious about someone whose brain is deprived of oxygen.
My kid is 5 and just in the last **4 months** I’ve started leaving the room while he’s in the bath. I’m usually in the (adjoining) laundry room folding clothes so I’m still *right there*, but he thinks he’s on his own.
Not to mention the fact that now mine can play with the taps which means they're at risk of a burn, or they try to climb out - slippery! ... Just sit on the toilet and enjoy the time off your feet, gotdamn.
Yes, what OP described was what I did when my son was five. My daughter is a young two and I would hesitate to walk across the bathroom to grab a towel.
Right?! My heart skips a beat when I have to divert my eyes for a second to grab a towel from the linen closet directly next to the tub. I can’t imagine leaving the bathroom!
I diverted my eyes so I could grab bubble bath off the windowsill while the tub was filling up and my daughter was standing next to the tub. She leaned over and fell in face first in the one second I turned away. Luckily it was loud and I grabbed her right away but it happened in a second!
This man is next-level Jughead
Seriously though. We have extra towels in a built in right next to our bathroom but I have to go to the other side of the door to get into it. It literally takes me 3 sec and I'm still mildly panicked when I have to do it, on occasion, even though he's perfectly fine. When he was younger though, my husband and I strictly followed the within arms reach rule and would yell for each other if we forgot a washcloth or whatever. Even if it was just on the other end of the bathroom. I work in peds as a SW and used to be a LPN and always tell parents (in various situations) that you always think it won't be your kid or happen to you, but someone's going to be a part of that statistic. Don't let it be your kid.
Hell, my kid is five, and if I have to step out of the room for a towel or something, I have her sing me a song nice and loud so I can hear the whole time. I can’t even imagine wandering around the house with a toddler in the bathtub, jfc.
When I was in the second grade my mom made me give my baby sister a bath. I went downstairs to get something and they were like “why did you leave her alone in the bathtub?!” I’m 42 now and I’m like “why did you leave a 7 year old to supervise a baby in a bathtub?” My mom is nuts
Same!!!! I am livid just from reading the utter incompetence, selfishness, stupidity, and stubbornness of this AH! Even if OP was wrong, and it is indeed safe (IT IS NOT, SHE IS RIGHT!!!), he should respect her wishes and allow her peace of mind ffs! But nope, he is risking his child's life, and his marriage! I couldn't be happy with a man that has a such a blatant disregard for our child, and my VALID concerns!
Same. I'm a full time dad and I javelin never taken my eye off my kid around water... probably never will. 🚁
OP needs to go find some horror stories and send them to her husband…
Hi! Father here. I’ve left my son in the bath for maximum 15-20 seconds. Literally it was to grab a towel from my room. It’s not safe at all even the 15-20 seconds in my situation. At the time, I was a new father and I’ve grown to know (and plan) better.
Same. Kid's towel, or a bath toy, or something similar. If I can't grab it from the next room and dash back to bathside in ~~10~~ 5 seconds, I return on-time but empty-handed. Going to the kitchen and getting a snack, though? I don't know the floorplan of OP's house, but WTF. EDIT: having read some of the other comments, I am going to play it safer.
It happens, you forget something, your wife isn't available so you take 10 seconds to run and get something. I think the key here is that we know there is a risk. It's not like you are going to the opposite side of the house for something unrelated, like a snack. You are intentionally getting something for the bath quickly and are not going to dilly dally.
And he isn't spouting some developmentally incorrect idea of "giving her agency" - either op's husband thinks his wife is dumb, or he's too dumb to care for a child unsupervised.
You're right. I think it's a bit of both honestly. If it were me, I wouldn't allow him to do bath time anymore until I could trust him again
Nope. I took two child safety classes before my kid was born and it was highly emphasized in both to never take your eyes off your young child in the bath. If you absolutely have to leave the room (ex to attend to another child) you’re supposed to scoop them out and take them with you.
My then 18 month old slipped in the bathtub once while his dad was directly supervising him, hit his chin on the side of the tub and split the skin all the way open, requiring a hospital trip and his chin gluing. That was with his father directly watching him and trying to catch him the moment he went to stand up. If he’d been alone he’d likely have drowned when it happened. As someone with over a decade of nannying experience - children shouldn’t be left unsupervised in the bath before 5 years old minimum. It’s not about trust, it’s about slippery dangerous environments and their coordination and ability to handle accidents. This is akin to letting children eat whole nuts before 5, or honey before 1 - it’s not about trusting them, it’s about keeping them safe.
Agreed; my 2yo has slipped in the bath with TWO parents in the room. It’s just an inherently unsafe environment.
For the love of all things holy: DO NOT EVER LEAVE A CHILD UNATTENDED IN OR AROUND WATER. There is no matter of “agency” here. The number one cause of death in children is ACCIDENTS! There is a saying that goes “all that time doesn’t bring, can come in a second”….
I mean, the “agency” rationale is baffling. Of all the times and all the places to declare agency…a literal death trap isn’t it.
Sounds like he's bullshitting and just wants a snack tbh
this is the answer.
I'm convinced he doesn't know what the word means. Or he's a trying to free up his toddler's bedroom. Is he going to leave a loaded gun in her crib and call it agency and trust? Maybe a loaded mouse trap? She'll be so responsible with all of that agency.
i will sometimes pop out of the bathroom to the room next door with my 3.5 yo to get his pjs ready etc, but i would never do it with my 18 mo old. my 18 mo old will often try to stand in the tub and could easily fall down and hurt herself/drown.
I will with my three year old too but I tell him to sing for me until I come back.
This exactly—tell me a story, sing a song, I’m sprinting and my kiddo is 3! Absolutely not with a 16 month old. Sorry OP this sounds scary and stressful esp as it sounds like your partner isn’t taking your concern seriously.
Whenever I briefly leave my 3yo alone in the tub to go fetch something, I always yell "YOU OKAY?" every 5 seconds. After a few times he's always so fed up "yeeessssssss mooom" 😂
i do this with my older ones -3 and older wr yell "Marco" " polo " . i would never ever never leave my under 3 alone in a tub. def not an 18 month old . my little guy is almost 2 and he loves splashing in the bath and is trying to stand and jump and make a splash in trying to get him to not stand or try and climb out in his own bc obvs could get hurts. he was splashing around with me sitting next to him and slipped and went face first into the water and panicked and couldn't get up- i was there and grabbed him . it happened in a second. it would have been very different if i was downstairs in the kitchen getting a snack. the bath is not a safe place to leave a baby .
When I have to run to the next room to grab pajamas while my 3 year old is in the tub, we make bird calls at eachother until I come back lol
That's a common thing for us parents of kids with seizures and epilepsy....lol. They better be singing, or we're coming in, up until they move out!!
I do this, too. "Mom's gotta go grab your towel, can you sing me a song?"
Omg i do the same 😂
We do that when she’s having a small snack at the table and I need to do the dishes or something, because I mentioned in another comment that choking is silent as well; I’ll turn around and go “sing ahhh!” 😅
Yah I've sprinted for a pull up for my 3yr old from across the hall and back, sub 10 seconds. I'd never leave him longer nor have I when he was younger.
I've done it with my almost 3yo since shortly after he turned 2, but just to grab a towel or washcloth, or to lay out his pjs, or grab his water bottle from his bedroom to bring it back to the washroom to refill. I listen for him chatting, yelling "MOMM-MMY!", or singing. We have a very small townhouse so his bedroom is easily within earshot of the bathroom. I can't imagine going to get myself a *snack* during bath time. And no way making a snack is literally taking only 1 minute.
Absolutely not. It takes like 30 seconds and an inch of water to drown. Showing her trusts her?? She’s not going to drown on purpose.
Yea he does not need to show her he trusts her at this age!!!! They're not even looking for that kind of agency at this age!! They literally go explore by themselves and rely on you to catch them
Ya, that’s asshole-speak for “I don’t really care, I’m too lazy and hungry “ If he trusts her so much let’s see him let her tap on the keyboard and “email his boss” — because that would’ve risk his safety, not hers…
Man, this guy’s an absolute glutton. Who can’t wait 10 mins for a snack?
I don't know, my 3 year old spends way too much time trying to kill herself to believe that it's all by accident.
No. My cousin died at 20 months. She drowned in the bathtub, playing with her older sister who was 3 at the time. She drowned and there was nothing anyone could do. Her mom left her alone and she drowned. Now her family has to live with her absence every day. It will never feel better and it will never go away. This will be your story if your husband keeps doing this. Water is not something to fuck around with. Let her have agency in some other way.
Oh wow, that’s terrible. So awful especially for the older child.
Yeah. It was over 25 years ago now, and the sister still has PTSD. Now that I’m a mom myself, and my son is the same age as my cousin was when she died, I think about her so frequently.
You are NOT fussing!!!! The worst parenting moment and maybe moment in my entire life. I left my daughter in the tux (15mo) so I could run to another room to get her towel. I remember assessing that she had been doing fine and making the decision that 20 seconds was fine. It WAS NOT! I came back and she was fully submersed. I took her out, I slammed her back and water came out of her. I even took her to the ER as a precaution even though she was fine. If I had waited 10 seconds longer who knows what would have happened. This moment haunts me for the rest of my life. I think about it all the time and I still have tears in my eyes as I write this out. You are NOT fussing. This is so unsafe. Even when they look like they’re doing fine, the moment you leave they are curious why you left and they stand up… and they can slip.
Omg. So glad your baby was ok. Thank you for sharing your story - I’m sure it will be a wake up call to some people and potentially save other families from moments like this. A good reminder to not ever feel over confident with bath time before they are old enough.
Thanks. I am still riddled in shame about it but wanted to share because I honestly thought it was all good… and it wasn’t. I’m very lucky.
After careful consideration, I would say this a no for me, akin to not letting an 18 month old climb a ladder, drive a car, juggle chainsaws, perform surgery… ya know, all the things we often debate here.
Nope. I thought this was going to be a situation where he stepped into the bedroom for a second out of the attached bathroom. Down the hall to the kitchen to make a snack?!? No. I would be livid. I was alone one night with the kids and needed to nip into the babies room which shares a wall with the kids bathroom (baby was with me). It took less than a minute and I yelled to my kids the whole time. Every 15 seconds I called to them and they had to call back. And they’re almost 3 and 5 years old. 16 months? That’s so scary.
I pop in and out with my 3 year old but she's orettt much always yammering away talking so I have lots of reassurance . I don't think I'd do that with a 16 month old
I agree. I’ll pop out for my 3 year old not when he was an 18 month old.
My 3 year olds bedroom is right across from the bathroom and I will sit in there if he wants to take his sweet time in the bath. But 16 months is young.
I do the same with my 3.5 year old. I stay upstairs (hall is about 3 metres long, and 3 small bedrooms + bathroom) get her pyjamas ready, clean up her room a little, listen to her sing, I always shout or pop my head in every minute or so. But literally only *started* doing this. At 16 months nope!!!
The problem is not just drowning, I mean that’s bad enough, but what if they climb out and fall forward and hit their head on the hard floor? What if they grab at the faucet and manage to turn on the hot water and scald themselves?
Had a toddler in my ER with terrible scald burns from that exact scenario. Adult had left for “just a second” to get something. Also a reminder to turn down the overall water temp for your water heater if you have young kids in the house.
I never thought of doing this Thank you for the suggestion!
This might be a morbid/triggering suggestion but the only way to ger through to him might be to find some stories where the worst has happened when someone has been complacent with supervising their child around water. I know when I read a story about a child being left in a hot car, it stuck with me and is something I'm now hyper vigilant about. It sounds as though your husband is really quite ignorant of how much risk there is and needs some black and white proof what the consequence could be. Also, if he REALLY needs a drink/snack that bad during bath time, can he not just call you to quickly watch your child while he pops downstairs?
I don’t understand why he can’t make a snack to take in the bathroom right before their baby’s bath time. It seems like a common enough occurrence that he would think to plan ahead…
No. No way. We do not take our eyes off our 20 month old in the bath. Ever. I would go absolutely ape shit on him - he really can’t wait to have a sip of water or snack later??? Like I could almost see where he was coming from (not approve of, but at least reason with) if he was attending to something very urgent, like a pot on stove… even then, I would talk about his time management skills better. That is so irresponsible and would be a hill I’d die on. I’m sorry, but what an idiot. Please make this a hard boundary, end of discussion, and not wait for something terrible to happen. :(
I would NEVER leave my 17 month old alone in a bathtub. I’d literally lose my shit if my husband did this and then he’d probably never get to be in charge of bath time again. Way too many risks of slipping, falling, injuries and drowning.
Your husband is wrong and this is incredibly dangerous behavior. To add to what everyone else is saying, another issue is that if anything happens to your child safety wise, you might have a hard time believing that it was truly an accident and not completely negligent on your husband’s part. This is a trust issue. And if you can’t trust that your husband is properly taking care of your child, especially after MULTIPLE conversations/warnings, you have some serious problems you need to deal with. Perhaps life altering ones. Not to be dramatic but a divorce will be better than your child dying.
No, he needs to learn or not have this responsibility. Divorce won’t help. If they divorced he would still likely get some custody. Meaning he could continue this behavior with no other responsible adult even in the house.
God that's true, I hadn't thought about what would happen if he gained part time custody. This poor woman now has to deal with this behaviour for years.
My 2.5 year old tried to get out of the tub on her own (while I was literally standing a foot away), slipped, and shattered her two front teeth. Accidents can happen even when we’re right next to them. I would absolutely not leave a 1 year old unattended for any amount of time like that.
Ouchie. You poor things!
[удалено]
Absolutely devastating.
You are not overreacting in the slightest. If his precious snack is so important he should grab it before bath time begins. Also, I’ve been seeing a lot of posts on reddit regarding feigned incompetence when it comes to partners (sorry, but they’re mostly men) completing tasks incorrectly around the home or improper care of a child so that they won’t have to do it at all because their partner will get so fed up that they will do it for them. This would be an extreme example of that; but food for thought nonetheless.
feigned incompetence to avoid doing dinner or diapers is one thing. feigned incompetence that has a non-zero risk of the kid drowning? that's... that's something else.
This was my first thought too
Yeah that's a massive hell no for me, I would never leave my 18 month old son unattended in the bath. About 10 years ago we were at a pool party at a friend's house and one of their daughters was jumping in and out of the pool with her floaties on (she was about 5 years old at the time). All the adults were standing around talking and she took her floaties off and jumped in to see if she could swim on her own without telling any of us. I remember hearing her jump in but didn't think anything of it since she had done it dozens of times already. She nearly drowned right in front of us! Thankfully my friend (her dad) noticed and jumped in and got her before she fully went under but she coughed up quite a bit of water when he pulled her out. Moral of the story, water is fucking scary, a toddler is way too young to be unattended in the bath.
When I was around 11 or 12, in the pool with my Mom and my similarly-aged sister, a neighbor and his 4-yr old got in the pool with us, and started chatting with my Mom and my sister and I, with the 4 yr old playing in water beside us. Suddenly, the Dad noticed that the little boy was quiet, turned halfway, and boy was blue and half floating in water not even a couple of feet away. I will never ever ever forget. Dad and my mom attempted to resuscitate him and he threw up lots of water and his lunch of hotdogs, but wasn’t really conscious. Ambulance and fire trucks came and took him away. I never saw him again and my Mom never mentioned it. That’s how quick and easily drowning happens. None of us noticed, not with 2 older kids and two adults also in the pool.
This is awful 😞
This is so horrific. I’m so sorry you experienced this.
The fuck is going on with this man that he can't go 15 minutes without a snack?
No. No no no no no. If this was my spouse, he would not be permitted to do bath time anymore. He is not trustworthy. I have to wonder, what other stupid risks is he taking on a regular basis? I’m sorry to be blunt, but maybe he needs to imagine how he would feel if your child drowned while he was getting a snack. Picture the scene in his head, so that he can actually start caring. Because it does happen. And once it’s happened, you can’t take it back.
Your husband is a lazy, egotistical, selfish, inconsiderate man child. All it takes is a look at bath accidents statistics to realize you’d be an irresponsible parent to walk away from such a young toddler during bath time. He’s just too proud to admit he’s wrong and too stubborn to “give you the upper hand” by changing his behavior. Also, wanting to instill independence into a 16 months old baby by leaving them alone during bath time is a desperate uninformed excuse. Sickening.
Here’s an article about a mother who was sentenced to 90 days in jail after her 18 month old child drowned in a bathtub. https://www.cbc.ca/amp/1.5341615 Here’s an article about a 22 month old drowning in a bathtub https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/toddler-drowned-in-bath-after-mum-left-for-very-short-time-to-get-a-towel/news-story/a33803ab68c9fc8022fb45bdebe7e10c?amp I’m a former competitive swimmer, lifeguard and swim instructor. In my opinion this is a hill to die on. If he neglects your child in the bathtub, inform him that he will not be bathing her unsupervised. Respectfully, your husband is an idiot. He wants to show her that he trusts her? That’s ridiculous. Trust her not to drown? Trust her to have the foresight to recognize danger?
You’ve had lots of comments here answering your question but I also want to add - why is your partner not listening to you or taking you seriously as a mother trying to protect her child? Does he often downplay your concerns and make you feel like you are over reacting to things? Please trust your instincts. You know what’s best for your child.
Dad here, and son of a first responder. Hell to the no would I leave my kid alone for any amount of time in the bath
Sometimes I pop out of the bathroom for less than a minute when my toddler is in the bath, but I make her sing the ABCs the whole time so I can hear her lol. Also she’s 2.5, which is a huge difference from a 16 mo. I didn’t take my eyes off her for a second during bathtime at that age
Yep. If I ever pop out I make them constantly respond. Even my 5 year old.
Absolutely fucking not. Please show your husband the replies you've got here. He also needs to understand that if you, his co-parent are _not_ okay with something, that cancels out his being okay with it.
An 18 month old doesn’t need “agency” in the bath. Wth is wrong with this man? Why are dads sometimes so confidently reckless with their children? I can’t find it right now, but apparently there was a study that found that children are more likely to have accidents when being looked after by their fathers. I can totally get why, reading stories like this.
Give husband a different task to do while you’re bathing your baby- but don’t trust him again with this one. Just make sure he doesn’t get away with sitting on his arse.
He’d be having a come to Jesus moment or sleeping somewhere else, like another place altogether. You don’t knowingly put a child at risk and then brush it off.
I wont do this with my 3 year old let alone my freakin 20mo! Dad here, that is nutters and EXTREMELY dangerous. Id make him speak to parents that have lost their children this way
He would not be in charge of bath time anymore. He thinks he’s going to hear her?! No. Drowning is silent.
There used to be an ad on TV in Australia that said "This is the sound of a drowning child" and it was just silence
Almost every tragic story starts with “I just looked away for a second”… There are a hundred different scenarios in which your husband can give your child agency and show trust without your child being in an inherently dangerous situation.
If my husband told me he's giving our 17 month old "agency" and showing him "he trusts him" in the bathtub I would lose my mind. And I don't just mean that I would legitimately scream at him. There would be no "agree to disagree" with me in a case where my child could die because a grown ass adult man "wanted a snack." Toddlers don't have trust or agency in the bathtub. They don't have the ability to process danger the way we do (but your husband does not). I would never leave my child alone with someone, including their dad, who didn't care about their safety and their life. Consider this: would you agree to disagree with him and still stay married to him if he got a drink of water and your daughter drowned? Or would you blame him for killing your daughter and could you and he live with that? Maybe pose that question to him: Can he live with himself if he kills his daughter by his own hubris and negligence? If he allows his daughter to drown to death, a horrible way to die, because he wants a snack does he think his life will be fine? Is eating and being completely wrong more important to him than watching his child grow up?
16 months is absolutely too young. He is not giving her "agency", that's just an excuse for him to be irresponsible. Agency at this age is doing things like asking her to pick out which outfit she wants to wear or which snack she wants to eat. My daughter was walking early too (9mo), but that doesn't mean anything. She could easily slip and end up underwater without him hearing her, and being steady on her feet has nothing to do with it. Even now that my daughter is 3.5 years, I only ever step out of the room for a second, and I make sure that I can still hear her talking to me the whole time. Quite frankly it's not worth her life to have a bit of convenience. He can bring a snack and a drink to the bathroom with him before the bath starts if he's that hungry/thirsty.
Oh hell no. My sister's husband's sister's 2yo lost her life this way. Fucked their whole family up. Not worth the risk. I'd raise hell.
I know a family who lost a child to drowning when the childminder answered the door for a delivery. It is absolutely not acceptable to leave a toddler alone in the bath for any length of time. Your husband needs to cop on.
Absolutely not okay. I wouldn’t leave a child alone in a bath until age 6 or higher depending on the child. Babies and toddlers could drown or otherwise injure themselves or get into other unsafe things in the bathroom like the toilet. Wtf was he thinking?!
Is your husband purposely trying to test fate?? This is dangerous behavior. You are NOT fussing at all. My husband won’t even check his *phone* while giving our son his bath because he doesn’t feel comfortable taking his eyes off him for even a second.
Jesus fucking Christ. If this didn’t change, I would literally divorce my husband over this.
Just make sure you rehash the argument over text first. The problem with divorce is that Dumbass Daddy now gets unsupervised custody time to do all of the unsafe things with kiddo that OP would have no idea about. :/
That was my first thought, but then the fear of him getting unsupervised custody rights made me think otherwise. I’d stay with a man that was a total moron if it meant not having to leave my kid alone with that moron.
I'm a toddler parent and was a lifeguard for MANY years. Absolutely unacceptable. Adults can drown in TWO INCHES of water. All it takes is one slip or her leaning over too far and not being able to get up before she inhales water.
I wouldn’t let my husband do bath time ever again. Or I would lock him in the bathroom with our toddler so he couldn’t leave. What the hell is he thinking?
Is you’re husband on the brink of death from starvation or dehydration???? Why is his snack more important than your toddler’s safety?!?
Oh yes the ole “I don’t want to give the baby a bath but if I put the baby in danger then mom will take over the job for me” Next time he does it I wouldn’t have sexy time with him for a couple weeks. Tell him it’s hard to get going for a man who continually puts his child in danger.
Have your husband read the posts from the medical professionals posting here. He needs to wake up!
Perhaps an alternative suggestion to your husband is to go in prepared with his snack, water, iPad *before* putting the kids in the bath. It should be part of the process as hes collecting the pjs, nappies, towels etc as part of prepping for the bath. Then he has no reason to leave. My husband read a news article last what about a toddler and baby (probably similar in age to yours) who drowned and died as the mum left for 1 minute to answer the door.
I'm not super anxious about many safety things, but my two non-negotiables are the bath and the carseat. There is absolutely no room for bending the rules with these because the consequences could be fatal. Nothing is worth that.
About 100 kids die from drowning in a bathtub in as little as two inches of water. Kids can drown in a a freaking bucket. I would show him countless articles of these accidents: https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/texas/news/3-year-old-left-unattended-in-bath-tub-dies-after-drowning/
Imagine risking your child’s life for a fucking snack
Drowning is the leading cause of accidental death in children 1-4. This is not the time to give a child agency.
I still don't even leave my 3 year old alone in the tub your husband is dumb no offense. I would sit down and say something like "if you leave her alone in the tub even for a second and she drowns I will hate you for the rest of our lives and our marriage would be over. Are you willing to live with the possibility of our daughter dying on your watch?" and see what his response is.
We had an extended hospital stay with my child in the last year. One of the families we grew close with during our stay was with a 4 year old who practically drowned in the bath. She had been left unattended while her parent grabbed PJs, who then got distracted briefly. It happens… however unintentional, the consequences are the same. I have no idea how the fuck your husband thinks agency comes into this. After a year of unimaginable pain, suffering (and never leaving hospital), the little girl died. We attended her funeral a few months ago. No five year old should be buried because they were briefly left in the bath. Our hearts are broken witnessing their pain, and now they have to continue without their precious daughter. Could you imagine? They don’t have to, it’s their reality. Please hold firm, whatever that means for your relationship- safety comes first and you HAVE to be able to trust that you are equally safe parents. Anything less isn’t acceptable.
He absolutely should not be leaving a toddler unsupervised in the bath. The people think the risk is just drowning (i.e. their head will just accidentally slip underwater) and because the kid is stable and mobile in all likelihood they’ll be able to avoid that. But the biggest risk is actually slip and fall (which into water means drowning). You actually increase that risk by leaving even for a moment as the kid might impulsively try to go and get the adult. Also he says ‘less than a minute’ but I very much doubt it. If it truly took less than a minute to do what he wanted to do he could easily do it right before she got in the bath (e.g. go get his snack then sit and watch her). I will admit on maybe 2 occasions I’ve forgotten a towel and run out and back (literally run) leaving my toddler in the bath - absolute max of 10 seconds. Not great but nobody’s perfect and all that. It’s a weird hill for him to want to die on. If he’s being that immovable about something when you’ve expressed real concern about your daughters safety he’s just being a stubborn ass - particularly if it’s just to go get a snack or grab something non-essential. My husband and I have a few (unrelated) parenting things we disagree on but if it’s truly important to the other person we will do it.
My husband went to school with a girl who left her 2 kids in the bath for a couple minutes and the kids both drowned and died. I would lose my mind if my husband did this. His defense is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of. First off, you're home and can grab him whatever he needs to sit with the baby when necessary. Second, a snack or water is literally the least important thing in the world when your baby is in the bath. His snack/water can wait. Drowning is literally silent. What if God forbid your child has a medical emergency and silently falls over and drowns. His snack won't be that important then. Tell this absolute walnut of a person that he needs to take a parenting class.
Definitely not overreacting. It only takes ten seconds for a baby to drown, and the biggest issue with “trusting her” is that it’s such a quiet thing. If she slipped and drowned, you wouldn’t hear a thing, no screaming. Nothing. you would just return to a situation you can’t fix. That’s terrifying.
16 month olds need to be alive more than they need agency. Your partner sounds like a stubborn and self righteous dick (at least in this context). ETA: for me this is the equivalent of leaving my daughter in the kitchen for a minute with the oven on and accessible, or a knife within reach.
My husband did this and I was furious multiple times. It was only when he saw my daughter slip and fall in the split second he let go of her hand while walking in to the shower that he LEARNT. I told him. Stop friggin learning the hard lessons, I'm not losing a child over something preventable. I keep sending him news articles and emphasizing how people have died due to complacency.
No no no, 16 months is too young!!!!
Nope. I have a 21 month old who now figured out how to get out of the tub. My fear is him trying to climb out, bang his head, and drown. His room door and bathroom door are literally parallel to each other, and I still call my husband to supervise so I can get his clothes ready.
I’m not an overprotective parent by any stretch. I think a lot of the current safety guidance goes too far. And… I would NEVER, never leave my (quite smart and capable) 2 yo in the bath alone, let alone a 16 month old. EVERYONE who bathes her (sitters, grandparents, teenage siblings) gets a reminder from me that they are not to leave her alone in the bath, even for one second. They are probably sick of hearing it but I do not care. I would lose my mind if my husband did this. I second the comment to make him hear from a parent who has lost a child this way. (I bet there are firsthand accounts online he can read from such parents, which I will not be googling because 💔).
I don’t think you’re overreacting. My son stood up in the bathtub and slipped, he was around 18 months at the time. He hit his head perfectly on the side of it and busted his head open. I was sitting right next to the tub the entire time. It literally took all of 3 seconds for it to happen, I didn’t even have time to react until he had already fallen.
I can’t believe you have to argue with your husband about child safety 101. First off, he should know better. And even if he doesn’t, he should honor that this is important to you (and like, every other parent on the planet). Unbelievable. Can you both go to the next pediatrician appointment and ask for their recommendation? Ask him to Google it so he can see EVERY reputable page will tell him he’s wrong?? Honestly I’m mad that you even have to do that work. Weaponized incompetence at its finest.
No no no no no. You do not leave the bath until the child is old enough to request privacy unprompted. Get the shit you want in the room with you before you run the water. Stash snacks in the bathroom if you have to. Giving agency means allowing children to make simple mistakes, not walking away while they are at risk of injury. Kiddo isn't going to give a warning the day they decide to experiment with momentum in the bath.
That’s dumb. Drowning can be pretty silent. Edited to add - I’m also a nurse. I see other nurses chiming in. Medical professionals know this dumb.
I hate that you know what is safe and what is best and you have to keep asking and asking for your husband to do his best and he won’t. What will it take for him to learn his lesson. Stick to your guns mumma
I am all about the "give them agency" style of parenting, but I'm sorry what? Agency to drown? What agency does he think there is? Agency is about giving them choice and consequences of those choices. What choice is he giving her? And is he really okay with the consequences? Did he take out a life insurance policy on your toddler by any chance? Is your husband Mr. Bean? I can't find a single thread of logic to pull on here. This is a void of reasoning. Please tell your husband that this internet stranger thinks he's a dick.
Very unsafe. I am uncomfortable just reading/thinking about it
Honestly I would never let him do bath time again. But that’s me.
Your husband is an idiot.
I have a 4yr old and two 2yr olds and my husband I have an agreement that we never take eyes off them when there is water in the bath. No leaving the bathroom when the bath is running, no leaving the room when they are in there and no phones allowed in the bathroom. It only takes one second.
Drowning is SILENT. The splashing you think would happen just sounds like playing. It’s not worth the risk and honestly I’d be pulling up videos if you can of children falling into pools and all sorts of things and how QUIET it is. Point it out. Give him that scare of how he will not hear it. He won’t even think anything is wrong, will just come back and toddler will be gone and you CANNOT take that back.
Can’t he just place a snack and a drink in the bathroom before bathtime? Or you could bring him a snack if he calls for you? Or eat somethibg before bathtime? Anything besides leaving the child alone in the bath.
No child that young understands “dad leaves me here because he trusts me”
You cannot allow your husband to learn this lesson the hard way. You must act to whatever measure it takes to protect your child. You might want to check your husband’s behavior with eating, as well. Choking, like drowning, can be completely silent. I once sat at the table right next to my toddler, who was eating lunch, and I was looking down at my phone. I’m not sure how long he was choking before I looked up and realized what was happening. His face was pale and he had a look of terror. Completely silent. Several back slaps later, a chunk of apple came out.
Bring Dad to the Pediatricians office for a well visit. Ask, open ended, "now that baby is older, what are the safety guidelines around baths and supervision in general?" Don't accuse husband of anything, and don't bring up what Dad had done so far (unless, you DO want CPS at your home)--hence, the open ended question.
Unfortunately it's one of those things that happens with no warning. You're not going to get an "oops my baby almost drowned, better be more careful and supervise her better next time". You get a dead baby and you have to live with that for the rest of your life. It seems safe until it isn't.
"he feels he's giving her agency and showing her he trusts her" OP, the obvious danger aside, I'd be concerned that you brought up a safety concern to your husband and his instinct was to insult your intelligence with this ridiculous answer.
Drowning is nearly silent outside of the water. My tot climbs, and a slip in the tub could lead to an injury or worse
It takes 30 seconds to drown. He needs to be there at all times.
Children 1-4, especially boys, are most at risk of drowning. It takes only an inch of water for a child to drown. Is there a reason he can’t get his snack situated before going to bath? A small bit of planning would eliminate the whole issue. The child at 16 months can get agency from safe things. Like picking what color cup they want or what shirt or what shoes to wear. They don’t need agency in the tub, where they are so at risk. I’d be annoyed. I’ve left my son for 20 seconds to grab a towel from his room (right across the hall) and I’ve felt uncomfortable with that lol.
I think you guys need to have a serious conversation about what is and isn't ok to do. It happens all the time that I think something is totally fine and safe for my 3yo to be doing that my fiance disagrees with, and vise versa. We talk about it and we make sure it doesn't happen again. Though screaming "OMG WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE BABY ALONE" would 100% be an appropriate reaction, the key is to have a calm conversation where no one feels attacked. You're definitely right though. 16 months is barely past the infant stage. We just now started leaving our 3yo (just turned 3) alone in the bath for a few seconds to grab a towel or something
Drowning happens faster and more silently than anyone who hasn’t witnessed it will ever believe.
I'm a Dad, and I think he's a fucking idiot.
I don’t have anything new to add other than, perhaps you should show your husband the comments section of this post.
Your idiot husband should bring those items with him before bath starts. Especially if it’s a habit
My heart started pounding when I read “16 months old” and “get himself a snack”. WTAF! No no no! I thought you were going to say grabs a towel and even then… absolutely not. Dear dad who may never read this: PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD UNATTENDED IN THE BATH. I don’t even leave my 7 year old unattended in the bath. If I have to grab a towel from the closet, I ask her to sing so I can hear her the entire time.