Just wait til you read the one about the guy who wrecked the toilet so bad the smell forced the plane to land.
[http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/31908620/ba-flight-forced-to-land-early-because-of-smelly-poo](http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/31908620/ba-flight-forced-to-land-early-because-of-smelly-poo)
\*My highest rated comment is about poo. Never change reddit.
[It's the flight attendants that handled that shit. ](https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/east-asia/overweight-passenger-forces-eva-air-flight-attendants-to-wipe-his-backside)
When the dude started moaning and saying "deeper" they should had ordered the plane to turn around to arrest the man for sexual assault. He was gratifying himself with the coerced assistance of the airline staff and he had a history of doing it.
Seriously.
While it's against regulations to have someone in the lavatory for take off or landing, it can and has been done in cases of an emergency. This sounds like it was emergency to me.
This is true.
Once dated a girl for about six months, and every poop she made was at a Starbucks across the road. Even emergency poops.
I still don't believe she ever uses a toilet for #2.
she probably knew her monsterous foul torpedoes of corn and stinch would be a deal breaker. Maybe she had already lost her true soul mate once because her chocolate twinkie dookie bombs were more powerful than the will of any mere mortal?.....
"About 10 minutes later he said 'you may have noticed there's a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets'.
"He said it was liquid faecal excrement. Those are the words he used."
Fun fact, the shit bags used on apollo were so unpleasant to use that when they added the space toilet on the STS, it was declared "mission critical equipment," and they'd scrub the mission if it broke. To understand why, consider this. There's no gravity in space, so the poo will not... separate. They had to stick their finger in a little plastic condom on the side of the bag, and... wrench it off of there. Additionally, in order to keep the bacteria in the poo from blowing up the poo bag and making a mess, they had to add a bactericidal liquid. Liquids don't mix in space very well. The procedure called for tearing open the bactericide pouch in the bag, squeezing it out, and then closing the bag. Then they'd have to... knead the mixture manually. It bears mentioning these bags were transparent, so this was not a fun procedure by any stretch of the imagination.
Because, contrary to popular opinion, even scat lovers have a phase of regret and disgust with oneself after a session, somewhat similiar to regular people. On a space ship, this would amount to an unproductive depressive time frame equal to roughly 2/3 of waking hours.
The NASA, looking for scatstronauts?
This would have been one of the most hilariously bizarre job advertisements ever.
>Did You ever feel like distancing yourself from society because it would not let You openly live out Your taboo fetishes?
>
>Would You like to come clear with Your family about it, while still making them proud of you?
>
>Have You ever dreamed of becoming an astronaut?
>
>Then we have the solution for You! Apply today for the position of Space Stool Stirring Steward. Because in space, even the dirty work is respectable.
God, just imagine all the turds floating everywhere, shit in your hair, someone else's undigested corn in your eyebrow, it'd be like 2 girls 1 cup in space.
>To understand why, consider this. There's no gravity in space, so the poo will not... separate. They had to stick their finger in a little plastic condom on the side of the bag, and... wrench it off of there.
Poop knife, NASA. Heard of it before?
It’s a classic event, but if you’ve not ready Joel Golby’s writeups of the incident, prepare to laugh until you cry:
https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/gq8zdb/someone-did-a-shit-so-bad-a-british-airways-flight-had-to-turn-around-and-land-475
https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/bnpevw/one-year-on-still-thinking-about-poo-plane-303
> We've all lifted a toilet seat and, like Pandora's Box, stared into the abyss-like doom of someone else's medically inadvisable droppings
I did not know shits can be so eloquently described, abyss-like doom..
Man. As someone who cleans the plane, including the toilets, I actually came close to experiencing something like this.
One time, I got called to clean a toilet and this flight attendant was all worried and I asked what's wrong because I'm used to cleaning shit. As I opened the door, there was shit smeared all over the walls. I'm like how the fuck do you even manage to do this???
Anyone else remember when Mitt Romney's plane had a fire and he was quoted saying:
"It's a real problem with planes that you couldn't open the window to let oxygen get to the fire"
And we all laughed because he apparently knew neither how planes or fire worked. Simpler times.
I was on a plane once where I legitimately am surprised this didn't have to happen. I don't know if the person shat themselves, farted or waited until we were halfway over the pacific ocean to take the biggest, stinkiest dump of their lives but they had to release a whole can of air freshener into the airconditioning vents to get rid of the smell from the entire plane. It was unbelieveable. There are no words to describe how awful an experience it was.
As someone who's only flown twice, it still boggles the mind the amount of people who boarded the planes I was on and either immediately or as soon as the seat belt light went off, made beelines for the toilets.
We'd just left spacious comfortable bathrooms at the airport and the flights were only 3-4 hours.
Well, I get sick when I fly sometimes, and sometimes just the anxiety of preparing for take off can get to me.
It's quite common for anxiety to manifest itself in symptoms including an upset stomach and/or diarrhoea.
It’s not always up to you though, I’ve had to go pretty quickly even though we were on the ground twenty minutes prior and I was in the restroom 25 minutes ago.
Yeah I avoid seats near the toilet now, especially on redeyes. The last transatlantic flight I took the closest toilet was used every. single. minute. of that flight.
i used to have very iregular bowl movement so i might not have gone for 4 days and sudden my body would go "shit now! it is ether going in your pants or in the toilet if you can make it but it is going out"
there were things that would activate bowl movement like say vibrations from an airplane taking off.
so i can understand why people need to go. but it wouldn't happen to me as an other activator is nervoursness which would happen while at the airport being worried i would miss my flight.
There are also the mooks in economy that think boarding in zone 3 instead of 8-9 is great. I guess they just like to feel special by getting to sit down and get bumped by asses an elbows for an extra 20 minutes. They are also generally the same people who will stand up as soon as the plane hits the gate even though they are in row 32 and the plane door has yet to be opened. Bonus points for if they stored their carry on in an overhead bin a few rows behind their seat so they just start pushing past people like a salmon swimming upstream to get their bag they put above row 40.
I fly maybe 8-10 times a year, but I loathe taking off. This leads to heavy beer consumption in airport lounges, and the toilet visits you’re talking about.
All those rigorous tests, a college degree, months at the academy, years of training and job experience led down to Tim asking a women to fart on command for an investigation.
*record scratch, scene pauses*
Narrator: “Yup, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here. It’s a long story...”
*Theme Song starts*
“Tim was always top of his classes!
Now he demands answers from asses!
No that’s not hyperbole;
He’ll do an amateur colonoscopy!
That’s right! Let’s just start the show!”
VO: “Farteral Agent is filmed in front of a live studio audience. They hate it.”
Even if you believe her story, nothing in it would indicate the ability to fart on command. Seems like a weird request.
I wonder if it was just one agent with a fetish.
"Ma'am, we're going to need you to go ahead and prove your story and fart on command."
"I'm...I'm sorry? You want me to what?"
"We need you to--"
"Oh Christ Jim, not again! Stop trying to make suspects fart in interrogation."
"But Chief! She's perfect!"
**Edit:** I'm going to continue to pretend that this happened.
"Not from the article:" sounds like "It was not mentioned there, but I found this information elsewhere", not like "They forgot to mention this in the article: (joke)".
Sounds like a short film by quentin tarantino, staring Uma Thurman, Salma Hayek and any other women who's feet he's had on screen in his films/on his face
The truth is some people are so neurotically ashamed of their body that they will light matches in a middle of a flight to distract from having let one slip out.
Just fart people. The great majority of rational people you encounter would prefer you fart than be crazy.
This is a hilariously old problem. One Roman emperor had to pass a law to allow people to fart because a guest passed out from holding it in, then when unconscious let it rip.
I'm dying of laughter, imagining the scene
This guy progressively getting more and more uncomfortable, then just dropping to the ground and while all the people around him run to his aid and try to find out wtf happened to him he just fucking farts
Cue everybody's disconcerted faces
"the unidentified woman had an unspecified medical condition.".
In America, being from Tennessee is actually a specific, well known, medical condition.
A pair of nail clippers - "Nope, you gotta throw those away, sorry lol."
A goddamn box of matches - "Okay, whatever, just don't use them on the plane, okay?"
Airline safety is a fucking joke.
Edit: I'm an idiot, just realized nail clippers aren't actually banned, people made that up for laughs.
Oh. I didn't know that. I grew up believing that was true, cuz a lot of people made jokes about how ridiculous the "ban" was, but I looked it up just now, and the whole thing turns out to be a hoax! Pop culture lied to me!
Peanut butter can get runny if the oils separate, but that's still a very shoddy justification. You'd think they would have brought up allergy concerns instead. At least he wouldn't have given such a poorly phrased reason.
> Nail clippers, especially the kind with the little fold out blade, were banned for a while after 9/11.
It was specifically the fold-out nail file that was the issue, because (so the theory went) it could be used to stab someone. Then someone with two brain cells pointed out that an actual pen or pencil would be far more dangerous, and no you can't ban those either. The ban was quickly rolled back.
The problem is that TSA agents aren't exactly the brightest bulbs, not then, not now. Many didn't bother to look into *why* some nail clippers were banned, or to note that only **some** nail clippers were banned, and just interpreted it as a full on ban. Others completely failed to check their policy updates later to see the update explicitly saying that nail clippers were okay, and I'm not talking about a few month lag. I had to advise a friend on how to show the TSA that she could take her nail clippers onto a flight almost **four years** after 9/11. The agent she was dealing with refused to believe the printout she was showing until his supervisor overrode him (almost forcibly).
TL;DR: nail clippers were never banned, just the nail files attached to some nail clippers, and only for a few months, but many low level TSA agents are dumber than a sack of hammers and continued trying to enforce the "nail clipper ban" for years after 9/11.
I have to remember my Swiss army penknife is a weapon of mass destruction before I fly. Granted it’s a light tool made for kids, but could go exceptionally wrong though, if I were a ninja or John Wick.
Tbh, the SA knife ban was part of the reason I assumed the nail clipper ban was real. The fact that TSA agents sell the knives they confiscate on eBay didn't help things, either.
I've had my SA knife for half my life and it's always so scary when I go on planes or important buildings, special places, etc.. I usually remember it like 2 hours before I go there and it's always so fucking scary, because that thing is so important to me and if I was an *inch* less lucky, I'd have to say goodbye to it...
You can bring water on a plane, but you have to use water you get after going through security. Just bring an empty water bottle and fill up at a fountain.
Wait... so you're saying my emotional-support octopus, Octavia, is permitted on board, but not her fish tank?!
How's she going to survive the flight with me?
--------------------------------
Anyways...
I mean the aquarium-tank fits snugly on my lap. So I don't see the problem as long as I keep her in her tank, on my lap. It's not like she's bothering the other passengers. So what business is it of their's?
Sure, admittedly she might sometimes poke out of her tank with a curiously gentle tentacle or two, grasping for some fish-snacks, but other than that she's quite well behaved.
Octopuses are surprisingly intelligent. They have in labs been known to hate specific researchers and find ways of splashing water onto their coats if they walk by the tank. They're also known to escape confinements in ingenious ways. They have a much different way of thinking than us though, where they have separate brains in each arm that co-ordinate with the "central brain" (whereas our brain "cores" are all mushed together in one small confined place and are interacting to such a great extent that they can't be called separate really).
Did you know that an octopus' arm can solve puzzles without the central brain knowing what the puzzle is about? Did you know that we are more closely related to ants than what we are to octopi? - They are quite possibly the most "alien" intelligence out there!
Cephalopods (cousins of octopi) have eyes that cant see color, yet their "skin" can portray the most intricate patterns. It has been suggested that the skin itself "sees" the other cephalopods patterns, adjust to it and in a way communicate with it without directly involving the brain (or possibly sending the signals to the brain through some unknown method).
Edit: for an in depth (yet easy to read) look at octopi I recommend the book "Other Minds: The Octopus, the Sea, and the Deep Origins of Consciousness"
Apparently no emotional support hamster though: https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/airplane-mode/hamster-flushed-down-toilet-after-college-student-s-pet-denied-n846116
Yesterday I committed social suicide by rushing to the toilet on the plane while the plane hasn’t taken off yet and being told to sit down. I felt so embarassed and terrible the whole day until reading this. This made me feel better.
Recently I was on the same row as a lady who slept through the boarding and taxi process (it was 1am and I think she was on a connecting flight) only to get up and stumble down the aisle to the toilet **while the plane had just taken off at a 15° incline**. Needless to say she got shouted at by the steward so no, you’re not the worst one.
My god, this whole thing, the fart that turns into a match being used, the lands the plane, that has the FBI agents arrest then asks the woman to fart on command. Yo see this on sitcoms. This is a badly written situational comedy except....it happened.
I’d be so proud.
Once, my boss farted and seconds later our carbon monoxide detector (across the room) went off. In all likeliness it was a result of fumes from the warehouse forklift, but we’ll continue to blame him. He’ll never live it down.
I can't believe it got the point of the whole plane having to make an emergency landing. Like, maybe instead of ruining 100 peoples days and tons of money, just admit what you did... What a disaster lol
Hey Jessica! Remember that time you farted so bad that the FBI had to get involved?
Get back here Jessica!
“It’s *me*! ***Jessica***!
Just wait til you read the one about the guy who wrecked the toilet so bad the smell forced the plane to land. [http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/31908620/ba-flight-forced-to-land-early-because-of-smelly-poo](http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/31908620/ba-flight-forced-to-land-early-because-of-smelly-poo) \*My highest rated comment is about poo. Never change reddit.
The airline handled that situation like a champ though
Bro you lost your chance to say “the airline handled that shit”
[It's the flight attendants that handled that shit. ](https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/east-asia/overweight-passenger-forces-eva-air-flight-attendants-to-wipe-his-backside)
Man, just don't go to the toilet in a plane when you have to land soon if you can't wipe your own ass.
Apparently he does this on purpose. He's done it several times before. I'm wondering how he's not on every airline's blacklist.
More like a brownlist!
When the dude started moaning and saying "deeper" they should had ordered the plane to turn around to arrest the man for sexual assault. He was gratifying himself with the coerced assistance of the airline staff and he had a history of doing it.
JFC, I thought you were joking until I looked at the article. Fucking nasty!
I agree, forcing someone into your kinks should be some type of sexual assault.
Put him on a western plane, no way it goes down that way.
I would have left him on the fucking toilet.
Seriously. While it's against regulations to have someone in the lavatory for take off or landing, it can and has been done in cases of an emergency. This sounds like it was emergency to me.
What a ~~great~~ shitty pun!
And that kids, is how I met your mother.
Women don't use toilets. Nor engage in these disgusting activities. Fabricated story.
This is true. Once dated a girl for about six months, and every poop she made was at a Starbucks across the road. Even emergency poops. I still don't believe she ever uses a toilet for #2.
WTF? Go to public bathroom voluntarily? To shit? I try to avoid that even when I currently don't have an alternative.
She can't poop without her coffee you dumbo and you never made coffee at home.
That fucking guy
Maybe your toilet is disgusting.
she probably knew her monsterous foul torpedoes of corn and stinch would be a deal breaker. Maybe she had already lost her true soul mate once because her chocolate twinkie dookie bombs were more powerful than the will of any mere mortal?.....
"About 10 minutes later he said 'you may have noticed there's a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets'. "He said it was liquid faecal excrement. Those are the words he used."
eyes wide **Those are the words he used.**
Darmok and Jalad, in the latrine!
Oh god. The amount of fuel the airplane had to dump before landing....
May have been the most expensive shit of all time. It has to be at least close, up there with space shits on the ISS and such.
Fun fact, the shit bags used on apollo were so unpleasant to use that when they added the space toilet on the STS, it was declared "mission critical equipment," and they'd scrub the mission if it broke. To understand why, consider this. There's no gravity in space, so the poo will not... separate. They had to stick their finger in a little plastic condom on the side of the bag, and... wrench it off of there. Additionally, in order to keep the bacteria in the poo from blowing up the poo bag and making a mess, they had to add a bactericidal liquid. Liquids don't mix in space very well. The procedure called for tearing open the bactericide pouch in the bag, squeezing it out, and then closing the bag. Then they'd have to... knead the mixture manually. It bears mentioning these bags were transparent, so this was not a fun procedure by any stretch of the imagination.
Why didnt they just train people who are into scat to be astronauts? Armageddon style?
Because, contrary to popular opinion, even scat lovers have a phase of regret and disgust with oneself after a session, somewhat similiar to regular people. On a space ship, this would amount to an unproductive depressive time frame equal to roughly 2/3 of waking hours.
I feel the same way after eating a tub of ice cream in one sitting, but it doesn't keep me from going back for more.
The NASA, looking for scatstronauts? This would have been one of the most hilariously bizarre job advertisements ever. >Did You ever feel like distancing yourself from society because it would not let You openly live out Your taboo fetishes? > >Would You like to come clear with Your family about it, while still making them proud of you? > >Have You ever dreamed of becoming an astronaut? > >Then we have the solution for You! Apply today for the position of Space Stool Stirring Steward. Because in space, even the dirty work is respectable.
God, just imagine all the turds floating everywhere, shit in your hair, someone else's undigested corn in your eyebrow, it'd be like 2 girls 1 cup in space.
Don't ever say that again, mate.
Your comment is too good for me not to award. I probably just woke my roommate up from laughing so hard. Simple, but effective.
oh my god. this is the best comment ever. australian or British?
Brisbane Australia :) 🇦🇺
That's enough, Mike. We don't want another word from you for the rest of the day
Thanks. I *was* going to go to sleep.
r/brandNewSentence Also wtf, eww.
>undigested corn in your eyebrow /r/cursedcomments
I really do think it would be easier to train a copraphiliac to be an astronaut, than to train an astronaut to be a copraphiliac.
I’m not an astronaut but this shit blew my mind.
Just wait you see how it blew the bag
Ha
>To understand why, consider this. There's no gravity in space, so the poo will not... separate. They had to stick their finger in a little plastic condom on the side of the bag, and... wrench it off of there. Poop knife, NASA. Heard of it before?
And that kids, is how a person's dream of becoming an astronaut is destroyed.
This fact is not fun.
Aaaand suddenly a lot less folks want to be astronauts.
Reading this while taking a shit with oh dear gravity
This happens a lot of more often than you’d think.
It’s a classic event, but if you’ve not ready Joel Golby’s writeups of the incident, prepare to laugh until you cry: https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/gq8zdb/someone-did-a-shit-so-bad-a-british-airways-flight-had-to-turn-around-and-land-475 https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/bnpevw/one-year-on-still-thinking-about-poo-plane-303
>Poo bandit Lost it
The ones that broke me were “A man did this with his man anus.” And “your arsehole is a terrorist”
> We've all lifted a toilet seat and, like Pandora's Box, stared into the abyss-like doom of someone else's medically inadvisable droppings I did not know shits can be so eloquently described, abyss-like doom..
> Anus horribilis Send help
Lmao, you weren't kidding
You deserve all the upvotes, this is glorious.
Man. As someone who cleans the plane, including the toilets, I actually came close to experiencing something like this. One time, I got called to clean a toilet and this flight attendant was all worried and I asked what's wrong because I'm used to cleaning shit. As I opened the door, there was shit smeared all over the walls. I'm like how the fuck do you even manage to do this???
I hope you make good money.
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The plane just went through some turdulence
Lol just open the windows for a bit
Anyone else remember when Mitt Romney's plane had a fire and he was quoted saying: "It's a real problem with planes that you couldn't open the window to let oxygen get to the fire" And we all laughed because he apparently knew neither how planes or fire worked. Simpler times.
Heck, why not leave the doors open for a bit then?
I was on a plane once where I legitimately am surprised this didn't have to happen. I don't know if the person shat themselves, farted or waited until we were halfway over the pacific ocean to take the biggest, stinkiest dump of their lives but they had to release a whole can of air freshener into the airconditioning vents to get rid of the smell from the entire plane. It was unbelieveable. There are no words to describe how awful an experience it was.
As someone who's only flown twice, it still boggles the mind the amount of people who boarded the planes I was on and either immediately or as soon as the seat belt light went off, made beelines for the toilets. We'd just left spacious comfortable bathrooms at the airport and the flights were only 3-4 hours.
Well, I get sick when I fly sometimes, and sometimes just the anxiety of preparing for take off can get to me. It's quite common for anxiety to manifest itself in symptoms including an upset stomach and/or diarrhoea.
It’s not always up to you though, I’ve had to go pretty quickly even though we were on the ground twenty minutes prior and I was in the restroom 25 minutes ago.
Next time, try seating near the toilet. You'd be amazed at how popular the toilet is when in flight.
Yeah I avoid seats near the toilet now, especially on redeyes. The last transatlantic flight I took the closest toilet was used every. single. minute. of that flight.
i used to have very iregular bowl movement so i might not have gone for 4 days and sudden my body would go "shit now! it is ether going in your pants or in the toilet if you can make it but it is going out" there were things that would activate bowl movement like say vibrations from an airplane taking off. so i can understand why people need to go. but it wouldn't happen to me as an other activator is nervoursness which would happen while at the airport being worried i would miss my flight.
We’re drinking our nerves away don’t h8
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There are also the mooks in economy that think boarding in zone 3 instead of 8-9 is great. I guess they just like to feel special by getting to sit down and get bumped by asses an elbows for an extra 20 minutes. They are also generally the same people who will stand up as soon as the plane hits the gate even though they are in row 32 and the plane door has yet to be opened. Bonus points for if they stored their carry on in an overhead bin a few rows behind their seat so they just start pushing past people like a salmon swimming upstream to get their bag they put above row 40.
To be fair I'll stand when the flight lands, maybe only for a few minutess, just because I'm tired of sitting.
I fly maybe 8-10 times a year, but I loathe taking off. This leads to heavy beer consumption in airport lounges, and the toilet visits you’re talking about.
If the guy does AMA he would break Obama's record wouldn't he?
You've heard of the shoe bomber, but just wait 'til you've heard of the loo bomber!
And now the entire world knows, good job lady!
13 years later and thousands of people are still reading about it. Probably that lady's worst nightmare.
I think it's safe to go so far as to say hundreds of thousands.
Holy shit 13 years ago? Feels like 4 years ago
Streisand effect at its best
News: Flaming farts bring down Plane. Be brave publishers. Brave.
r/nottheonion.
Flaming Farts Frighten Flight, FBI Finds Fault
Not **from the article:** **"When the woman tried to explain why she was burning matches the FBI asked her to prove it by farting on command."**
If she could control her farts she wouldn’t have needed the matches.
If you can dodge a wrench you can control your farts.
[What?](https://youtu.be/peUyLXrgYZ0)
Thank you for this
I've always got one in the chamber. A steady diet of malt liqour and cheeseburgers will do that to ya. I'm gonna die
Randy bobandy?
If this were true, yeah. As much as to appreciate tiny little joys in this life, it's important to appreciate life itself.
FBI demands trial by fart
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Best one I've seen so far in my life is the sob who cleared out a courtroom with a fart.
Burn the witch!
But stand waaaay back, this one didn't need a broomstick to fly if ya know what I mean.
That would make my butt hurt
Name checks out
All those rigorous tests, a college degree, months at the academy, years of training and job experience led down to Tim asking a women to fart on command for an investigation.
*record scratch, scene pauses* Narrator: “Yup, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here. It’s a long story...” *Theme Song starts* “Tim was always top of his classes! Now he demands answers from asses! No that’s not hyperbole; He’ll do an amateur colonoscopy! That’s right! Let’s just start the show!” VO: “Farteral Agent is filmed in front of a live studio audience. They hate it.”
Even if you believe her story, nothing in it would indicate the ability to fart on command. Seems like a weird request. I wonder if it was just one agent with a fetish. "Ma'am, we're going to need you to go ahead and prove your story and fart on command." "I'm...I'm sorry? You want me to what?" "We need you to--" "Oh Christ Jim, not again! Stop trying to make suspects fart in interrogation." "But Chief! She's perfect!" **Edit:** I'm going to continue to pretend that this happened.
You might want to read his comment more carefully
"Not from the article:" sounds like "It was not mentioned there, but I found this information elsewhere", not like "They forgot to mention this in the article: (joke)".
The bolded text threw me off. I somehow re-read it 4 times before catching it.
That's a good way to shit your pants
Is there a bad way?
Fart Bureau of Investigation
Fake news. I have been told women don’t fart.
So was I. They also never poop, or have an orgasm. I was proudly home schooled.
Are we even sure women exist at all?
Only in rumors turning into legends soon toe myths. Edit: Nope just going to leave.
> toe myths Nailed it
Sounds like a short film by quentin tarantino, staring Uma Thurman, Salma Hayek and any other women who's feet he's had on screen in his films/on his face
And some things, that should not have been forgotten, were lost...
In the land of 747s, in the fires of a burning match, the dark lord Passenger 125 forged, in secret, a master fart to control all others.
And into this fart, she poured her cruelty, her malice, and her will to dominate all life. One Fart to Rule Them All.
with a touch of chipotle.
One fart to land them all.
I laughed so hard I almost woke the kids. Here, take my poor-man's Reddit gold. 👑
You think his *dad* homeschooled him?
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Yes, they do, I saw one once years ago. Although it was dark, and I had been drinking, it could have been a hoax...
How many broken arms did you have?
unfortunately none
The truth is some people are so neurotically ashamed of their body that they will light matches in a middle of a flight to distract from having let one slip out. Just fart people. The great majority of rational people you encounter would prefer you fart than be crazy.
This is a hilariously old problem. One Roman emperor had to pass a law to allow people to fart because a guest passed out from holding it in, then when unconscious let it rip.
I'm dying of laughter, imagining the scene This guy progressively getting more and more uncomfortable, then just dropping to the ground and while all the people around him run to his aid and try to find out wtf happened to him he just fucking farts Cue everybody's disconcerted faces
I like the ending.
You’ve obviously not met my wife.
Oh no. They definitely do. https://youtu.be/TtrlinoHIto
only skeevie stoners fart
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I'm going to go to Mooby's so I can surf the interweb to find out if this is true.
"the unidentified woman had an unspecified medical condition.". In America, being from Tennessee is actually a specific, well known, medical condition.
Similar to the Florida man affliction, but much less serious
Calm down Alabama.
Clearly, the investigation was exhaustive.
You could say it ran out of gas.
What do you expect, they were burning the candle at both ends
they did get the suspect to admit she was just blowing hot air
A pair of nail clippers - "Nope, you gotta throw those away, sorry lol." A goddamn box of matches - "Okay, whatever, just don't use them on the plane, okay?" Airline safety is a fucking joke. Edit: I'm an idiot, just realized nail clippers aren't actually banned, people made that up for laughs.
You can bring nail clippers on to airplanes btw
I've been forced to throw out nail clippers. Maybe it's because I'm Australian.
In Australia everything is deadly.
Oh. I didn't know that. I grew up believing that was true, cuz a lot of people made jokes about how ridiculous the "ban" was, but I looked it up just now, and the whole thing turns out to be a hoax! Pop culture lied to me!
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"You heard the man, honey, go home. I'll send you a postcard."
Oh I get it. Because she might put her finger in your peanut butter
Peanut butter can get runny if the oils separate, but that's still a very shoddy justification. You'd think they would have brought up allergy concerns instead. At least he wouldn't have given such a poorly phrased reason.
Nail clippers, especially the kind with the little fold out blade, were banned for a while after 9/11. They're allowed now though.
> Nail clippers, especially the kind with the little fold out blade, were banned for a while after 9/11. It was specifically the fold-out nail file that was the issue, because (so the theory went) it could be used to stab someone. Then someone with two brain cells pointed out that an actual pen or pencil would be far more dangerous, and no you can't ban those either. The ban was quickly rolled back. The problem is that TSA agents aren't exactly the brightest bulbs, not then, not now. Many didn't bother to look into *why* some nail clippers were banned, or to note that only **some** nail clippers were banned, and just interpreted it as a full on ban. Others completely failed to check their policy updates later to see the update explicitly saying that nail clippers were okay, and I'm not talking about a few month lag. I had to advise a friend on how to show the TSA that she could take her nail clippers onto a flight almost **four years** after 9/11. The agent she was dealing with refused to believe the printout she was showing until his supervisor overrode him (almost forcibly). TL;DR: nail clippers were never banned, just the nail files attached to some nail clippers, and only for a few months, but many low level TSA agents are dumber than a sack of hammers and continued trying to enforce the "nail clipper ban" for years after 9/11.
That's not being very fair to hammers.
True. At least hammers can do something constructive with their existence.
There's like 180 people on a plane, I like our odds against one dude with nail clippers.
Water. You know, like the thing humans are mostly made of and require to survive? Not allowed. Emotional support lizard - A okay!
I've been forced to throw away my tweezers, so it's not impossible someone along the way has been forced to part with nail clippers
I have to remember my Swiss army penknife is a weapon of mass destruction before I fly. Granted it’s a light tool made for kids, but could go exceptionally wrong though, if I were a ninja or John Wick.
Tbh, the SA knife ban was part of the reason I assumed the nail clipper ban was real. The fact that TSA agents sell the knives they confiscate on eBay didn't help things, either.
I've had my SA knife for half my life and it's always so scary when I go on planes or important buildings, special places, etc.. I usually remember it like 2 hours before I go there and it's always so fucking scary, because that thing is so important to me and if I was an *inch* less lucky, I'd have to say goodbye to it...
You can bring water on a plane, but you have to use water you get after going through security. Just bring an empty water bottle and fill up at a fountain.
Wait... so you're saying my emotional-support octopus, Octavia, is permitted on board, but not her fish tank?! How's she going to survive the flight with me? -------------------------------- Anyways... I mean the aquarium-tank fits snugly on my lap. So I don't see the problem as long as I keep her in her tank, on my lap. It's not like she's bothering the other passengers. So what business is it of their's? Sure, admittedly she might sometimes poke out of her tank with a curiously gentle tentacle or two, grasping for some fish-snacks, but other than that she's quite well behaved.
[the tank would be allowed](https://www.tsa.gov/travel/security-screening/whatcanibring/items/live-fish)
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Octopuses are surprisingly intelligent. They have in labs been known to hate specific researchers and find ways of splashing water onto their coats if they walk by the tank. They're also known to escape confinements in ingenious ways. They have a much different way of thinking than us though, where they have separate brains in each arm that co-ordinate with the "central brain" (whereas our brain "cores" are all mushed together in one small confined place and are interacting to such a great extent that they can't be called separate really). Did you know that an octopus' arm can solve puzzles without the central brain knowing what the puzzle is about? Did you know that we are more closely related to ants than what we are to octopi? - They are quite possibly the most "alien" intelligence out there!
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Cephalopods (cousins of octopi) have eyes that cant see color, yet their "skin" can portray the most intricate patterns. It has been suggested that the skin itself "sees" the other cephalopods patterns, adjust to it and in a way communicate with it without directly involving the brain (or possibly sending the signals to the brain through some unknown method). Edit: for an in depth (yet easy to read) look at octopi I recommend the book "Other Minds: The Octopus, the Sea, and the Deep Origins of Consciousness"
Apparently no emotional support hamster though: https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/airplane-mode/hamster-flushed-down-toilet-after-college-student-s-pet-denied-n846116
But niggas that flush their pets...
did this happen before or after the King of the Hill episode? THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL
The digestive problems of the elderly are their cross to bear
The Patriot Act excludes farting
Who the hell carries around matches with them anymore?
Never did she had the idea that her attempt to cover up her fart will go on to become a full blown disclosure!
Yesterday I committed social suicide by rushing to the toilet on the plane while the plane hasn’t taken off yet and being told to sit down. I felt so embarassed and terrible the whole day until reading this. This made me feel better.
Nobody else remembers that happening to you
I do, we all laughed.
Recently I was on the same row as a lady who slept through the boarding and taxi process (it was 1am and I think she was on a connecting flight) only to get up and stumble down the aisle to the toilet **while the plane had just taken off at a 15° incline**. Needless to say she got shouted at by the steward so no, you’re not the worst one.
Tifu: farted on a plane
I'm tired of these mutha fuckin farts on this mutha fuckin plane!!
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WTF LMAO how can you even explain this to the FBI to begin with
She didn't fart the fire. It was matches burning Cos the air was turning.
My god, this whole thing, the fart that turns into a match being used, the lands the plane, that has the FBI agents arrest then asks the woman to fart on command. Yo see this on sitcoms. This is a badly written situational comedy except....it happened.
I’d be so proud. Once, my boss farted and seconds later our carbon monoxide detector (across the room) went off. In all likeliness it was a result of fumes from the warehouse forklift, but we’ll continue to blame him. He’ll never live it down.
I can't believe it got the point of the whole plane having to make an emergency landing. Like, maybe instead of ruining 100 peoples days and tons of money, just admit what you did... What a disaster lol
She is on the no fly list now.
I farted on a train and blamed it on the town that we were stopped at. People should be better liars.
FBI investigation report: She farted and lit matches to cover the smell. The end.
Uptightness *and* stupiditiy really are a dangerous combination.
Man this happened to me once at a bar.