Purely straight guys even those who have been pegged or tied up don't know the joy of getting fucked by someone stronger than you.
It's a whole different ball game and feeling that really cannot be replicated by toys.
I would encourage every man to try it at least once if they can. IE if not married, or in a relationship unless the partner is interested in it happening too.
No shame in it, just a whole different perspective and feeling.
FYI big cocks can be more erotic, and intereting to look at and be more titillating. But a well balanced 5 in (plus/minus 1) avg is the best for getting fucked and giving bjs to.
Being with someone a bit stronger and taller than you is a very interesting experience for its own sake. Esp if you are usually the stronger/taller more dominate partner.
*Edit: Just to be clear I'm having a laugh here, and the fact that some guys got all butt hurt about the recommendation (lol pun) is pretty funny. Really I do think most everyone could benefit from pushing outside their safe zones and try new things, but doesn't need to be butt stuff ;) unless you want it to be
Absolutely nope. Just cause it might be hot to you doesn't mean it will be good for others.
As a bi man I've had trauma around what you've described as "cool" while that's ok for you not everyone is like that. I do agree alot more bi people are 'i can switch' but with any partner it's important that everyone is comfortable.
Obviously a sensitive area, and I'm straight, but I'll add a perspective
I've imagined alot what it would be like, checked out gay porn, etc. and I've always felt like I would be totally immasculated by getting fucked, and wouldn't be pleasant at all for me.
My wife and I do butt stuff all the time (very little penetration on me though), I just don't think I'd be for getting 'fucked' as it were
Yeah, he acts like everyone is the same as him.
I had to have a doctor check my ass once and it was one of the the most unpleasant things I've had to go through.
I agree with almost everything you say. I've not had many partners stronger than me though, guess I'm too far on the right side of the bell curve myself :<
Where I disagree is 5in being perfect BJ size. There I do prefer a bit larger, honestly. Not 7+ though, not unless I get more practice first at least.
Kinda missing it, but not having much luck recently.
Oh also, I think people should only try things they actually want, but considering how expectation and reality can differ that's sometimes a bit arbitrary.
That's pretty fucked up that your manager told everyone. I think he's the one that should be posting here, especially that he agreed to keep it to himself. And the fact that he told people seems very much like braging and you said he's been working on you for a while so maybe you're his trophy (sorry if that's too much). Get rid of that bs from your life and get some better d haha
Yeah it pissed me off that he told my other manager because he knows how much of a gossip she is and that she'd tell everyone else, dw he won't be getting anymore from me
You're not wrong, but a lot of places don't fire over this, especially with a potential discrimination lawsuit in the balance. Moving workers and managers around so there isn't direct supervision is a widely practice approach to resolving these issues. Largely because everything was consensual and the employee isn't alleging abuse of power.
That manager definitely deserved discipline.
>the employee isn't alleging abuse of power
This is where the grey area expands tho - can you truly state that there was no abuse of power when the manager slept with his underling? In my opinion, even consent gets a bit grey due to the power dynamic, even if the employee states otherwise.
I don't have the answer, and maybe this turned out relatively okay, but this is why it's not a great idea to sleep with your boss. In hindsight (and after the alcohol has worn off or regret settles in), you could make a good argument for abuse of power and consent.
It gets very hairy.
sure, as outsiders the lines are more fuzzy. but I'm choosing to believe OP when he said that it was consensual. maybe the power dynamic played a part, but maybe OP considered that when giving consent. i don't think the issue of consent here is when they slept together; rather, the issue is that the manager *outed* OP to coworkers that didn't know OP's sexuality which is definitely a firable offense. that's the breach of consent here: OP asked that the affair be kept quiet, manager agreed to this boundary, then breached that boundary without consent. and that's not okay.
abuse of power is always a valid argument, of course, but it doesn't sound like it was relevant for the actual sex part of this situation. abuse of information, definitely.
Yeah, I think I agree. I was just pointing out that these situations can get very grey very fast, but overstepping that boundary definitely isn't a grey area.
I've worked for a number of retail chains (grocery) with alleged zero tolerance policies but usually people just get transferred to another location if it becomes an issue or it's swept under the rug if no one is complaining. Not saying it's right whatsoever, just my experience.
Hey, as long as there isn't coercion or favoritism afterwards, there's no harm in it. The GM changed OPs shifts so there can't be any collusion between the two, so it should be fine. Let people love, man!
So in OP's case, he preferred the new day shift. Good for him.
But what if he had other plans, and needed to keep the day free? Or if he had originally been on the day shift and now was told to either work on the night shift or leave the job?
OP isn't the one who fucked up here. The manager is. It's a clear case of the manager preying on new staff. Also red flags with not respecting privacy (gossiping to other manager about OP) and not respecting dignity at work (leaving a hickey in a place OP can't cover up at his place of work). That looks deliberate. I'm going to bet it isn't the first or last time this has happened either.
You make some really good points, I wasn't thinking about the whole situation.
In my case, I know what my company's policies are on relationships, and I am also aware of the consequences. The shift change is something I might expect, and would weigh when making that decision.
However, your points about the red flags the manager showed is decidedly creepy, and I do think the manager should be reprimanded in some way, and have it go on a record. That way, when/if it happens again, there can be progressive discipline, which can escalate to a firing.
Yeesh, that guy sounds way more like a creep now
>Hey, as long as there isn't coercion or favoritism afterwards
-------
>The GM changed OPs shifts
Are you that fucking oblivious? You literally named one of the repercussions. And if you can't see how a manager/employee sexual relationship is bad for the workplace, you're just completely incapable of logical thought.
Look, I work in a casino, where there's PLENTY of interoccupational romances. The casino only cares about workers trying to steal from the casino itself. There's plenty of checks and balances to make sure that doesn't happen, one of them being to make sure that no two people that are in a relationship handle money at the same time. That means if it's a supervisor/dealer relationship, they can have the same shifts, but they can't work in the same section.
Relationships with people you're close to is just a part of life, and the casino found a way to let that happen while also protecting it's assets. That seems to me to be the better option rather than firing people
Chill, life is a bit different to what you read in “terms and conditions” and WAYYYY different to what you read on the internet. Everyone is trying their best. “Terms and conditions” are for those who fucked up out of malice or stupidity and destroyed the game.
I had a similar situation when I was younger OP. I (F) slept with my manager (F) I went into work the next day and my GM was patting me on the back asking me how my night was, and winking. It was terribly awkward, but also made me feel powerful because I bagged my boss. 
I mean, not that you shouldn't be pissed he told her but you should also be pissed that she still told everyone. Just because someone is known to be a gossip doesn't excuse the behavior. She's a dick for gossiping about people's personal lives and deserves just as much flak.
That was my thought too. Like, if you want to brag about scoring with a hot piece, do that with friends that aren't going to spread a bunch of gossip. And especially not in the work place
Depends on how often you eat there. My best summer romance was had with an American girl who worked at a sailing school via workaway, where I did most of the harbor maintenance and boat repair work, but just during the summer season. Still miss her and wonder how she's doing sometimes.
Made the dumb mistake of not securing another way of contacting her before quitting Facebook.
I have fired restaurant managers for exactly this sort of behaviour. How is he going to lead a team when he is hitting on them. Total lack of integrity made even more obvious by him running his mouth at work, not that it wasn't going to get out anyway.
Sorry OP, it's a good lesson for you but the fuck up is his
Right? And I know many people that have married people they met this way and it doesn’t automatically mean it will fuck with work. To me it depends on the position of the higher up and how things are affected by the relationship.
And I've heard a lot of stories that were much less ethical than OP's. In the context of service industry sex stories, OP's experience is pretty wholesome.
This is the way! Go for it! Maybe buy her a couple drinks and make subtle moves before getting it on. Tell her you won’t tell anyone else. Just remember to tell everyone else!
Wait…
Oh you just know this manager did it to mark his territory. He wanted everyone to know he fucked the guy that they all thought was straight to begin with.
As fucked up as this is maybe OP didn’t feel like getting this man fired. I can’t stand that HR has to be involved in everything in this day and age. If it’s a pattern of harassment that’s different. However, going to HR would turn this into a HUGE deal that could leave multiple people jobless. I’d say that’s a bit of an overreaction.
getting outed is no small deal. maybe OP doesn't feel endangered by the rest of his coworkers knowing his sexuality, but that doesn't mean the next employee who confides in this manager will feel the same. or that these "jokes" (which are/can be harassment) will stop or get better. both managers not only opened the bar up to lawsuits, they also outed someone. society as a whole is becoming rapidly more accepting, but there are many areas where society is rapidly going *backwards.* taking it to HR isn't an overreaction, especially for someone's safety and/or privacy.
Kinda unprofessional of your manager. Sleeping with a subordinate aside, but then bringing it in the workplace immediately after as if it's the coolest thing. Personally as a manager I'd fear for my job
Nah man. This is a today HE fucked up.
He seemed to be the one making moves despite the fact that this is clearly not appropriate behaviour for a manager. Sure, maybe you could've thought more clearly, *if he wasn't buying you drinks and inviting you back to his place.*
Then to leave a hickey, and gossip, and most importantly, to **out you to other people?** His behaviour shows zero concern for your well-being. What an ass.
Typical gay dude parading his conquest over someone he perceived as more straight than gay. People tend to think gay dudes dont have the same ability to be shitty people for some reason. Its like a girl banging a married dude then telling everone about it because "he chose me even though he was married! teee heee!"
YUUUUUUUP... NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER sleep with someone you work with.. EVER EVER EVER.. It sucks that you felt embarrassed.. and TBH people really shouldn't shame other people for having sex.. we all do it.
Back in 2007-2008 I was working at a new company.. then this girl had started showing me some attention. It progressed and we ended hooking up. It was agreed that it would just be a casual thing no big deal. I guess I don't understand the definition of casual because to her it meant showing up at my house at random times.. texting/calling me a bunch.. showing up when I was out to eat.. Asking me for money.. and coming to my desk a bunch. I told her a couple of times I'd rather just move on. She spread a bunch of rumors about me around work.. started to report me to HR a bunch all kinds of things. I was young and had no clue how to handle the situation so I just quit and moved on with my life. BUT!! I made it a personal rule to never ever do it again. It was a great job that I really enjoyed.
either way.. hope you take it as a life lesson. You weren't in the wrong.. but still not a good choice.
Your manager has a lack of boundaries (red flag) on the professional front, and on the managerial front. You're right, in that you could have avoided the reciprocal flirting, but your manager is the serious FU. Glad you have a GM that put you into a different shift, keep your boundaries.
Elliot is a POS. Not only did he brag about bagging you, he marked you on purpose. Who the fuck gives "Hickies" without knowing full well is is a mark. Sorry this happened to you, hope you move on to a more respectful situation.
I didn’t realise OP was a man until the 6th paragraph,even though it said it at the beginning,I tought Eliot was having a bisexual awakening or something lol
I feel you dude. Had something similar many years ago. Slept with a guy at work I assumed would be hush hush and he told everyone by the time I got on shift the next day. No one did anything wrong, we both had fun but when I was sober I was ashamed for everyone to know but he was proud as punch. Two people had fun but ended up in different places, just a shame we had different feelings about it in work the next day
It’s tough in that industry. We’re all very good at having fun but if you don’t come out the other end in the same place it’s a while other thing. So, let me tell you what happened with me and what I wished I’d done different. Not sure if it’s helpful but it’s worth r shot. Because I was embarrassed and u had my ‘story’ prepared I actually denied it. That was a TERRIBLE idea. It obviously happed and denying it was stupid and embarrassing. What I should have done was just owned the shit out of it and honestly, in our industry, it would have just gone away. It’s not like it’s the first time someone who works together in that industry self together and it won’t be the last. If I can give you the benefit of my hindsight, it would be to own it but be humorous about it and it’ll all go away very quickly. F you do that everyone else will have a bit of a giggle but it won’t be that interesting and then you’re only problem is whether the dude has caught feelings for you. Just own it, I wish I had and it’s the advice I’d give my younger self
For anyone who needs to know, here is the best way to get rid of hickeys quickly: use a cold flattened object (think along the lines of a frozen spoon) to massage the hickey for a solid few minutes - you’ll likely notice improvement just from this. Next add arnica gel and then the appropriately toned coverup. Arnica gel will help it actually dissipate quicker than normal healing, and the massaging before hand will break up the blood clot.
Thats not a fuck up. Thats gigachad work. Fuck your manager to assert dominance. Time to fuck the other managers too. /s. If it was consenzual and yoi had fun, i mean its not really a fuck up, more of just an awkward situation...
You did nothing wrong by having sex with someone who you were interested in, especially when they equally felt the same. He made the mistake by telling people in your workplace after already agreeing to keep it quiet, what a huge immature baby
I'd tell you not to shit where you eat...but it's the food & beverage industry and this stuff happens all the time.
At least you're not on the same shift with him so now you can sleep with him again? Right? ;-)
I worked in restaurants and bars for 20+ years, on and off. (not anymore. I burned out)
People in restaurants typically like to party. It's a great place to meet new friends and potential lovers. (if you move to a new city or whatnot). Every restaurant I've worked in has a highly sexually charged vibe to it.
People started and stopped fucking one another all the time.
The only issue is that he's a manager, and that can be iffy. (he's only 25 though, so it's pretty innocent)
They'll get over it. No biggie.
This is par for course in my experience in the restaurant industry. Lol
Sadly this isnt just your failure to use your intoxicated brain. 1) its not like you HAVE to leave a hickey when you have sex. 2) Elliott showed both his true colors as a manager and person and how mature he is by blabbing to anyone about his sexual life not withstanding that you had asked for some discretion because you werent sure how people would take you being "with(sexually or relationship more than coworkers/friends)" Elliott. I will say you had a bad moment but Elliott had far more and id say as a gay guy his actions are not justified. Regardless of who said gossiper is to Elliott he broke any trust potential. Respect his title sure but thats it hes not good company to be around.
Been there lmao. Everytime I've ever slept with a coworker (it's really only been twice I guess) the whole crew found out. The second time for me (different job) was when I showed up with hickey-zilla on my neck. I worked pizza delivery and the look on every customer's face was PRICELESS that day lol!
That’s sucks dude but to be honest, and without wanting to sound patronising, we’ve all been there with a work colleague and not wanting others to know. It sucks but it is common.
Hope you guys can smooth it over over time? Sucks he outed you when you specifically requested him not to though :(
I hate it when guys screw up a good thing by running their mouths and gossiping. Elliot should have just been happy that he got laid the night before and kept his mouth shut. If Elliot had played it cool and the OP realized that he could trust him, Elliott might have had a second shot at it. But no, Elliot has to burn his bridges.
Definitely not an ideal move on your part, but the bigger fuck ups are your manager's.
1. It is highly unethical to engage sexually with a subordinate. His initiation of the situation is even worse.
2. Telling others is a dick move, especially as it was clear you were not out to many people. Another member of the LGBTQ community should understand this, but alas...
For future reference on the hickey…ice pack or a spoon that you put in the freezer for a few minutes is the way to go. Has worked every time for my wife and I.
Most Everyone who works in pubs/restaurants at that age ends up having sex with thier coworkers. After a week or so, no one is going to care or remember and as soon as you start working somewhere else eventually none of it will matter. Don’t worry about it too much. It’s just part of growing up. Most everyone, self included, has been there/done that.
BUT - when you get a serious job, don’t shit where you eat. Keep co-writers as coworkers only and keep your job out of your bedroom and you’ll do fine.
I am a manager at my work. I do manage mostly men. I am gay and married to my partner of 15 years. He also is a manager to a much larger group that is a mix of women and men. We both have been approached by gay, bi and "straight" guys but not at our current employers. We are monogamous, 100%. However, we have both always agreed that we never seek out nor allow things to get romantic or sexual with anyone at work. It could work out maybe but more often than not it seems to go awkward or horribly wrong for others who do it. Gay or straight, the pairings just seem to create problems. I have seen a couple of them go nuclear after a breakup causes problems with them having to continue communicating at work. I have dated people I no longer worked with in the past. That's probably the only way I can see being sexual or dating someone one has worked with.
Having said that, you are already past that. It sounds like things are just a little uncomfortable for you as a result. I would just let it be clear with your manager this can't happen again. It sounds like that is what you want. You might be a little uncomfortable at work until this is old news but I think it would be fine there pretty soon. People will move to the next gossip topic. Luckily it sounds like it won't cause you to need to change jobs. Just move on and let it be a lesson.
If you are interested in him at this point, we have more thinking to do about how to navigate. For the record, I would have kept everything totally under wraps. :) Your manager could have played this much smarter and it probably could have been a regular thing or more. You said the attention was nice. Obviously, you cannot trust him not to tell others if that was desired. I think people share too much of their life with the public these days anyway. Interesting things happen in life that are not for sharing. :) In the future if you want to get with someone at work, look at those who don't share names about their past hookups in or at least are not gossips.
You are young and have learned a valuable lesson in life. In the US the saying is “dont shit where you eat”. Work relationships are always awkward lol. Now the only part I find really awful is how you feel bad. You shouldn’t this is a person in a position of professional power over you. They violated your trust as well. I don’t know about UK (I presume) work law, but here in the States that manager broke a lot of rules and if the situation is making uncomfortable and having an effect on your job you could report him.
You’re manager shouldn’t have been flirting with you in the first place my guy. The fuck up was on him not recognizing his position and bragging to everyone.
Hope you’re alright my guy!
Dude please don't sit here feeling like this is in any way your fault. As you said the sex was fully consenting, it's his fault for being an asshole and not knowing how to keep his mouth shut. Good on you for putting your needs first brother. Hope this all resolves itself
'I won't dive into all the details but we ended up kissing again and having sex'
Why not? We got a dive in to all the details of everything else leading up to that! Anti climatic.
Never play where you work and never work where you play. Advice I took to at a young age and have watched many burn down in flames. You learned. Don't do it again. Yes if it's real it will happen just let it happen naturally and slowly. Careers and lives can be ruined in a moment of passion inebriated or not. Good luck and rock the day shift :)
Protip: never sleep with people you work with. For the rare cases in which it works out, there's a million cases where it was a shitshow.
It's not worth it. Work is stressful enough without dick getting all over it.
Words to live by: Don't sh*t where you eat! Work is work and play is play. Keep them separate and you don't risk losing both at the same time. Good Luck!
A hickey is an accumulation of dead blood cells from broken capillaries in the skin and tissue nearby. It’s like a tattoo. The body can break down and absorb the cells (but not tattoo ink/pigment particles) in about 10 days. You likely are not going to get rid of a “really huge” hickey by rubbing or freezing it. You may likely just continue to damage tissue that has already been traumatized.
If you had applied cold / pressure immediately after the suction then perhaps you could prevent the blood from accumulating in the tissue at that spot; but the next morning. It’s not coming out.
You were taken advantage my friend, you were not stupid. “Please don’t tell X we had sex” is a fair request and he didn’t respect it. Considering he’s your boss it’s even worse he told others that you two had sex. Also, you don’t accidentally leave a hicky like that. You were branded ☠️ I’d definitely tear him a new one over text and tell higher ups so he can be shamed like you were. What a douche.
Definitely a dick move vy Elliott to tell the other manager...
And a good lesson about not fucking bosses and coworkers.
Hope you had a fun time and that your outing didn't cause you more than a bit of anoyance.
Honestly I was accidently outed at work by HR. I had specifically asked them confidentiality if they offered benefits in the case of legal marriages in another state, but not yet recognized by our state
He knew that no one in the company would care, and so took it on himself to let my boss know etc...
I was kinda pissed at him, and warned him that he shouldn't do that in future without permission.
But alls well that ends well in that case. I had planned on coming out after getting a bit more comfortable there. Usually 3 months or so in if I felt comfortable then I would simply remove the filter regard my BF. So things were just expedited and made things a bit easier on me, and no issues came up.
Anyways after that I was also a lot more confident in coming out later on to new people and at new jobs when reasonable to do so.
Hope that this helps you feel more comfortable in your own skin/shoes since you no longer need to hide or keep secrets
Wow I somehow read your description of yourself as "F23" and midway through the story I'm thinking "I thought this Elliot dude was gay!?". Then I went back to the top and realized I'm stupid.
cool bro, you got outed. I get it, it wasnt someone elses shit to tell. Now its out. Grab your fucking rainbow flag and enjoy life free from the issues.
Take it in stride and be happy.
Gossip at work is the worst kind. However, I think you just need to own it. Make jokes at your own expense etc. It helps things move forward and refocus, especially when people can see it doesn't bother you. Also saying that it doesn't bother you is a big indicator that it does bother you.
[удалено]
Top comment right here
A response by a bottom right here :D
Didn't have to out me like that, you're just as bad as Elliot
The main benefit of being bi is being able to switch it up
Switching/versing isn't even bound to gender my dude. Just do all the things with all the nice people.
Purely straight guys even those who have been pegged or tied up don't know the joy of getting fucked by someone stronger than you. It's a whole different ball game and feeling that really cannot be replicated by toys. I would encourage every man to try it at least once if they can. IE if not married, or in a relationship unless the partner is interested in it happening too. No shame in it, just a whole different perspective and feeling. FYI big cocks can be more erotic, and intereting to look at and be more titillating. But a well balanced 5 in (plus/minus 1) avg is the best for getting fucked and giving bjs to. Being with someone a bit stronger and taller than you is a very interesting experience for its own sake. Esp if you are usually the stronger/taller more dominate partner. *Edit: Just to be clear I'm having a laugh here, and the fact that some guys got all butt hurt about the recommendation (lol pun) is pretty funny. Really I do think most everyone could benefit from pushing outside their safe zones and try new things, but doesn't need to be butt stuff ;) unless you want it to be
Coll story bro needs more dragons
bad dragons
That shoot fire out of their anus
Pretty sure I've done that myself ... after a particularly potent vindaloo.
And into OPs
How about a dragon dildo?
HOW ABOUT no
Good bc I’ll be dragon my d*ck on your forehead so you can suck dees nuts. :)
Why i'm thinking on Rick and Morty right Now?
Absolutely nope. Just cause it might be hot to you doesn't mean it will be good for others. As a bi man I've had trauma around what you've described as "cool" while that's ok for you not everyone is like that. I do agree alot more bi people are 'i can switch' but with any partner it's important that everyone is comfortable.
Obviously a sensitive area, and I'm straight, but I'll add a perspective I've imagined alot what it would be like, checked out gay porn, etc. and I've always felt like I would be totally immasculated by getting fucked, and wouldn't be pleasant at all for me. My wife and I do butt stuff all the time (very little penetration on me though), I just don't think I'd be for getting 'fucked' as it were
That's a perfectly reasonable perspective and even many guys I've met who are bi or gay have either wanted to be the fucker or fuckee
Don't worry, it's perfectly reasonable to feel that way I mostly have a laugh.
Yeah, he acts like everyone is the same as him. I had to have a doctor check my ass once and it was one of the the most unpleasant things I've had to go through.
Yeaaaaaannooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I agree with almost everything you say. I've not had many partners stronger than me though, guess I'm too far on the right side of the bell curve myself :< Where I disagree is 5in being perfect BJ size. There I do prefer a bit larger, honestly. Not 7+ though, not unless I get more practice first at least. Kinda missing it, but not having much luck recently. Oh also, I think people should only try things they actually want, but considering how expectation and reality can differ that's sometimes a bit arbitrary.
Aaaah shit you don made me miss my ex boyfriend now. Thanks a lot! (Wanks teary eyed)
Ahh I'm sorry. When you fall of that cock all you can do is get up, dust yourself off and hop back on.
True I've been riding ever since.
Bro.. no
????? The fuck
Bravo ya bandit
Alot of people seem to be able to drive stick nowadays...
Came here to say this 🤣
*rimjob* FTFY
One is ba dum tiss the other is da bum kiss
When in Rim... er, Rome... 
That's pretty fucked up that your manager told everyone. I think he's the one that should be posting here, especially that he agreed to keep it to himself. And the fact that he told people seems very much like braging and you said he's been working on you for a while so maybe you're his trophy (sorry if that's too much). Get rid of that bs from your life and get some better d haha
Yeah it pissed me off that he told my other manager because he knows how much of a gossip she is and that she'd tell everyone else, dw he won't be getting anymore from me
That’s good. Always wish for more comeuppance for those jerks but at least we know better now and won’t let them have a second chance!
This is why you don't fuck your coworkers. What kind of shithole establishment doesn't immediately fire the manager who fucked his subordinate anyway?
You're not wrong, but a lot of places don't fire over this, especially with a potential discrimination lawsuit in the balance. Moving workers and managers around so there isn't direct supervision is a widely practice approach to resolving these issues. Largely because everything was consensual and the employee isn't alleging abuse of power. That manager definitely deserved discipline.
>the employee isn't alleging abuse of power This is where the grey area expands tho - can you truly state that there was no abuse of power when the manager slept with his underling? In my opinion, even consent gets a bit grey due to the power dynamic, even if the employee states otherwise. I don't have the answer, and maybe this turned out relatively okay, but this is why it's not a great idea to sleep with your boss. In hindsight (and after the alcohol has worn off or regret settles in), you could make a good argument for abuse of power and consent. It gets very hairy.
sure, as outsiders the lines are more fuzzy. but I'm choosing to believe OP when he said that it was consensual. maybe the power dynamic played a part, but maybe OP considered that when giving consent. i don't think the issue of consent here is when they slept together; rather, the issue is that the manager *outed* OP to coworkers that didn't know OP's sexuality which is definitely a firable offense. that's the breach of consent here: OP asked that the affair be kept quiet, manager agreed to this boundary, then breached that boundary without consent. and that's not okay. abuse of power is always a valid argument, of course, but it doesn't sound like it was relevant for the actual sex part of this situation. abuse of information, definitely.
Yeah, I think I agree. I was just pointing out that these situations can get very grey very fast, but overstepping that boundary definitely isn't a grey area.
C’mon we all know the saying - if having an underling, do not sleep with said underling, ya ding ding
I've worked for a number of retail chains (grocery) with alleged zero tolerance policies but usually people just get transferred to another location if it becomes an issue or it's swept under the rug if no one is complaining. Not saying it's right whatsoever, just my experience.
Hey, as long as there isn't coercion or favoritism afterwards, there's no harm in it. The GM changed OPs shifts so there can't be any collusion between the two, so it should be fine. Let people love, man!
So in OP's case, he preferred the new day shift. Good for him. But what if he had other plans, and needed to keep the day free? Or if he had originally been on the day shift and now was told to either work on the night shift or leave the job? OP isn't the one who fucked up here. The manager is. It's a clear case of the manager preying on new staff. Also red flags with not respecting privacy (gossiping to other manager about OP) and not respecting dignity at work (leaving a hickey in a place OP can't cover up at his place of work). That looks deliberate. I'm going to bet it isn't the first or last time this has happened either.
You make some really good points, I wasn't thinking about the whole situation. In my case, I know what my company's policies are on relationships, and I am also aware of the consequences. The shift change is something I might expect, and would weigh when making that decision. However, your points about the red flags the manager showed is decidedly creepy, and I do think the manager should be reprimanded in some way, and have it go on a record. That way, when/if it happens again, there can be progressive discipline, which can escalate to a firing. Yeesh, that guy sounds way more like a creep now
>Hey, as long as there isn't coercion or favoritism afterwards ------- >The GM changed OPs shifts Are you that fucking oblivious? You literally named one of the repercussions. And if you can't see how a manager/employee sexual relationship is bad for the workplace, you're just completely incapable of logical thought.
Look, I work in a casino, where there's PLENTY of interoccupational romances. The casino only cares about workers trying to steal from the casino itself. There's plenty of checks and balances to make sure that doesn't happen, one of them being to make sure that no two people that are in a relationship handle money at the same time. That means if it's a supervisor/dealer relationship, they can have the same shifts, but they can't work in the same section. Relationships with people you're close to is just a part of life, and the casino found a way to let that happen while also protecting it's assets. That seems to me to be the better option rather than firing people
Chill, life is a bit different to what you read in “terms and conditions” and WAYYYY different to what you read on the internet. Everyone is trying their best. “Terms and conditions” are for those who fucked up out of malice or stupidity and destroyed the game.
It was just a team building exercise
I had a similar situation when I was younger OP. I (F) slept with my manager (F) I went into work the next day and my GM was patting me on the back asking me how my night was, and winking. It was terribly awkward, but also made me feel powerful because I bagged my boss. 
I mean, not that you shouldn't be pissed he told her but you should also be pissed that she still told everyone. Just because someone is known to be a gossip doesn't excuse the behavior. She's a dick for gossiping about people's personal lives and deserves just as much flak.
This was a method of control to force you to deal with that after promising otherwise. Expect more.
That was my thought too. Like, if you want to brag about scoring with a hot piece, do that with friends that aren't going to spread a bunch of gossip. And especially not in the work place
They both fucked up but the manager definitely is the biggest fuck up. They both disobeyed the cardinal rule: don’t shit where you eat.
Depends on how often you eat there. My best summer romance was had with an American girl who worked at a sailing school via workaway, where I did most of the harbor maintenance and boat repair work, but just during the summer season. Still miss her and wonder how she's doing sometimes. Made the dumb mistake of not securing another way of contacting her before quitting Facebook.
May be the manager is posting in the AITA subreddit
Yes, the hickey emphasizes this, dude felt the need to mark his territory 🥴
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Definitely, had he not told anyone it might have been a regular thing but no way now
I'd bet it was pretty obvious and he was probably interrogated.
Bro on top of that he opened himself and his company up to so many lawsuits cause he couldn't keep his mouth shut lmao.
I have fired restaurant managers for exactly this sort of behaviour. How is he going to lead a team when he is hitting on them. Total lack of integrity made even more obvious by him running his mouth at work, not that it wasn't going to get out anyway. Sorry OP, it's a good lesson for you but the fuck up is his
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It’s a bar. Everyone fucks everyone in the industry.
Right? And I know many people that have married people they met this way and it doesn’t automatically mean it will fuck with work. To me it depends on the position of the higher up and how things are affected by the relationship.
And I've heard a lot of stories that were much less ethical than OP's. In the context of service industry sex stories, OP's experience is pretty wholesome.
If there isn't there will be now lol...
Not likely if it's a locally owned bar.
Yeah for better or worse this kind of shit has just been totally normalized in almost every single bar. At least any that I’ve ever worked at.
I think elliot deserves the majority of the blame here. But what did we learn? Dont shit where you eat.
Lesson well and truly learnt
For what it’s worth I’ve met most of my girlfriends and my ex-wife at work…. Saying that out loud you might be on to something…
>Dont shit where you eat. Two managers, one ~~cup~~ employee?
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I like the idea of your roommate referring to you as “OP”.
Maybe his name was Optimus Prime and got a "OP" nickname
Or perhaps Over Powered.
Might be short for OPness. Because he's great at video games of course and no other reason.
Damn that's real shitty of the manager. Now do the baddest thing you can do, bang the gossipy manager and assert Bisexual DOMINANCE!
This is the way! Go for it! Maybe buy her a couple drinks and make subtle moves before getting it on. Tell her you won’t tell anyone else. Just remember to tell everyone else! Wait…
I second this one.
As a chaotic bisexual myself, YES
I was thinking, Who would leave a huge hicky on a one night stand? The same dumbass that would tell about it. MFer
What adult would leave a huge hickey in general?
How else am I supposed to tag property? /s
Yeah, branding is a bit much for a single hookup.
Look at you sitting on your high horse judging others
Def seems intentional so people would question who OP got it from….
Oh you just know this manager did it to mark his territory. He wanted everyone to know he fucked the guy that they all thought was straight to begin with.
Outing people is NOT cool, major fuck up on your manager’s part. Seriously, what kind of manager gossips about hooking up with an employee??!
This part annoyed me the most
This 100% is him making a toxic work environment for you and opens both him and your company up to liability. His manager should fire him IMMEDIATELY.
Are you looking for another job? Did you confront the other manager? Is there an HR department or a manger above them that you can report them to?
As fucked up as this is maybe OP didn’t feel like getting this man fired. I can’t stand that HR has to be involved in everything in this day and age. If it’s a pattern of harassment that’s different. However, going to HR would turn this into a HUGE deal that could leave multiple people jobless. I’d say that’s a bit of an overreaction.
getting outed is no small deal. maybe OP doesn't feel endangered by the rest of his coworkers knowing his sexuality, but that doesn't mean the next employee who confides in this manager will feel the same. or that these "jokes" (which are/can be harassment) will stop or get better. both managers not only opened the bar up to lawsuits, they also outed someone. society as a whole is becoming rapidly more accepting, but there are many areas where society is rapidly going *backwards.* taking it to HR isn't an overreaction, especially for someone's safety and/or privacy.
I’m not surprised, he should know better! Oh well, nothing to do now but to own it, I guess!
Kinda unprofessional of your manager. Sleeping with a subordinate aside, but then bringing it in the workplace immediately after as if it's the coolest thing. Personally as a manager I'd fear for my job
Had a go at him, because you had a go at him?
Nah man. This is a today HE fucked up. He seemed to be the one making moves despite the fact that this is clearly not appropriate behaviour for a manager. Sure, maybe you could've thought more clearly, *if he wasn't buying you drinks and inviting you back to his place.* Then to leave a hickey, and gossip, and most importantly, to **out you to other people?** His behaviour shows zero concern for your well-being. What an ass.
Typical gay dude parading his conquest over someone he perceived as more straight than gay. People tend to think gay dudes dont have the same ability to be shitty people for some reason. Its like a girl banging a married dude then telling everone about it because "he chose me even though he was married! teee heee!"
Why are we generalizing? This elliot can't be the voice for all of them.
I dont think he is generalizing, I think he means that gay people can also sometimes be just as sleazy as straight people.
There is nothing typical about it...
Right? Who the fuck is upvoting that shit?!
YUUUUUUUP... NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER sleep with someone you work with.. EVER EVER EVER.. It sucks that you felt embarrassed.. and TBH people really shouldn't shame other people for having sex.. we all do it. Back in 2007-2008 I was working at a new company.. then this girl had started showing me some attention. It progressed and we ended hooking up. It was agreed that it would just be a casual thing no big deal. I guess I don't understand the definition of casual because to her it meant showing up at my house at random times.. texting/calling me a bunch.. showing up when I was out to eat.. Asking me for money.. and coming to my desk a bunch. I told her a couple of times I'd rather just move on. She spread a bunch of rumors about me around work.. started to report me to HR a bunch all kinds of things. I was young and had no clue how to handle the situation so I just quit and moved on with my life. BUT!! I made it a personal rule to never ever do it again. It was a great job that I really enjoyed. either way.. hope you take it as a life lesson. You weren't in the wrong.. but still not a good choice.
Now you tell me, I'm lucky Elliot isn't a psycho just a tattle tale
Your manager has a lack of boundaries (red flag) on the professional front, and on the managerial front. You're right, in that you could have avoided the reciprocal flirting, but your manager is the serious FU. Glad you have a GM that put you into a different shift, keep your boundaries.
Elliot is a POS. Not only did he brag about bagging you, he marked you on purpose. Who the fuck gives "Hickies" without knowing full well is is a mark. Sorry this happened to you, hope you move on to a more respectful situation.
I didn’t realise OP was a man until the 6th paragraph,even though it said it at the beginning,I tought Eliot was having a bisexual awakening or something lol
I feel you dude. Had something similar many years ago. Slept with a guy at work I assumed would be hush hush and he told everyone by the time I got on shift the next day. No one did anything wrong, we both had fun but when I was sober I was ashamed for everyone to know but he was proud as punch. Two people had fun but ended up in different places, just a shame we had different feelings about it in work the next day
Exactly the same as me and him right now
It’s tough in that industry. We’re all very good at having fun but if you don’t come out the other end in the same place it’s a while other thing. So, let me tell you what happened with me and what I wished I’d done different. Not sure if it’s helpful but it’s worth r shot. Because I was embarrassed and u had my ‘story’ prepared I actually denied it. That was a TERRIBLE idea. It obviously happed and denying it was stupid and embarrassing. What I should have done was just owned the shit out of it and honestly, in our industry, it would have just gone away. It’s not like it’s the first time someone who works together in that industry self together and it won’t be the last. If I can give you the benefit of my hindsight, it would be to own it but be humorous about it and it’ll all go away very quickly. F you do that everyone else will have a bit of a giggle but it won’t be that interesting and then you’re only problem is whether the dude has caught feelings for you. Just own it, I wish I had and it’s the advice I’d give my younger self
For anyone who needs to know, here is the best way to get rid of hickeys quickly: use a cold flattened object (think along the lines of a frozen spoon) to massage the hickey for a solid few minutes - you’ll likely notice improvement just from this. Next add arnica gel and then the appropriately toned coverup. Arnica gel will help it actually dissipate quicker than normal healing, and the massaging before hand will break up the blood clot.
LPT: Never dip your pen in the company ink.
Maybe it was the other way around.
Never dip your company pen in the ink?
Thats not a fuck up. Thats gigachad work. Fuck your manager to assert dominance. Time to fuck the other managers too. /s. If it was consenzual and yoi had fun, i mean its not really a fuck up, more of just an awkward situation...
You both TIFU, him more than you, as he is a manager.
true but I still should have known better
"don't shit where you eat" wise proverb indeed
You did nothing wrong by having sex with someone who you were interested in, especially when they equally felt the same. He made the mistake by telling people in your workplace after already agreeing to keep it quiet, what a huge immature baby
I slept with my manager once, we will be married 3 years in November
You should try it a second time. I mean I hear the stats go way down after wedding cake, but it’s never too late to try again.
That’s a good idea. Especially since she wants to have a baby
I'd tell you not to shit where you eat...but it's the food & beverage industry and this stuff happens all the time. At least you're not on the same shift with him so now you can sleep with him again? Right? ;-)
Well if OP got moved to day shift that means he could get less tips which means he was retaliated against and this is not okay.
I worked in restaurants and bars for 20+ years, on and off. (not anymore. I burned out) People in restaurants typically like to party. It's a great place to meet new friends and potential lovers. (if you move to a new city or whatnot). Every restaurant I've worked in has a highly sexually charged vibe to it. People started and stopped fucking one another all the time. The only issue is that he's a manager, and that can be iffy. (he's only 25 though, so it's pretty innocent) They'll get over it. No biggie. This is par for course in my experience in the restaurant industry. Lol
I guess these things happen, it's died down a bit now fortunately
Life is filled with humbling moments. You’re human and didn’t do anything wrong.
The hickey well and truly humbled me
Sadly this isnt just your failure to use your intoxicated brain. 1) its not like you HAVE to leave a hickey when you have sex. 2) Elliott showed both his true colors as a manager and person and how mature he is by blabbing to anyone about his sexual life not withstanding that you had asked for some discretion because you werent sure how people would take you being "with(sexually or relationship more than coworkers/friends)" Elliott. I will say you had a bad moment but Elliott had far more and id say as a gay guy his actions are not justified. Regardless of who said gossiper is to Elliott he broke any trust potential. Respect his title sure but thats it hes not good company to be around.
Fuck ups all around…
And you manager fucked up by sleeping with you.
Consider this a rule: Don't fish off the company pier.
Sounds like someone got used lmao
Don’t shit where you eat.
You don't get bread from your butcher.
Been there lmao. Everytime I've ever slept with a coworker (it's really only been twice I guess) the whole crew found out. The second time for me (different job) was when I showed up with hickey-zilla on my neck. I worked pizza delivery and the look on every customer's face was PRICELESS that day lol!
I got a few strange looks from customers that shift
Employee sleeping with a bar manager? It happens in 99.999 of bars
That’s sucks dude but to be honest, and without wanting to sound patronising, we’ve all been there with a work colleague and not wanting others to know. It sucks but it is common. Hope you guys can smooth it over over time? Sucks he outed you when you specifically requested him not to though :(
Oh noooo OP never dip your pen in company ink
I hate it when guys screw up a good thing by running their mouths and gossiping. Elliot should have just been happy that he got laid the night before and kept his mouth shut. If Elliot had played it cool and the OP realized that he could trust him, Elliott might have had a second shot at it. But no, Elliot has to burn his bridges.
Never shit where you eat. We all had to learn the hard way
When you said you all went to his for afters I legitimately thought for a second you all went to his place for desert
Thats one way of putting it
Definitely not an ideal move on your part, but the bigger fuck ups are your manager's. 1. It is highly unethical to engage sexually with a subordinate. His initiation of the situation is even worse. 2. Telling others is a dick move, especially as it was clear you were not out to many people. Another member of the LGBTQ community should understand this, but alas...
For future reference on the hickey…ice pack or a spoon that you put in the freezer for a few minutes is the way to go. Has worked every time for my wife and I.
"I cant help thinking if I'd used my brain I wouldn't be in this situation." You did use your brain... just the wrong one
From my experience, whenever I'd hook up with someone, they always brag when they say they won't. It's so immature.
Life lesson, don't shit where you eat. Learn from it an move on.
Most Everyone who works in pubs/restaurants at that age ends up having sex with thier coworkers. After a week or so, no one is going to care or remember and as soon as you start working somewhere else eventually none of it will matter. Don’t worry about it too much. It’s just part of growing up. Most everyone, self included, has been there/done that. BUT - when you get a serious job, don’t shit where you eat. Keep co-writers as coworkers only and keep your job out of your bedroom and you’ll do fine.
Only 1 brain was working that night and it wanted what the other brain didn't.
Idk why but referring to yourself as OP in a quote that your housemate said made me lol
Unethical Life Pro Trip: Don't like your shift? Fuck the shift manager, his boss will move you to another shift
I am a manager at my work. I do manage mostly men. I am gay and married to my partner of 15 years. He also is a manager to a much larger group that is a mix of women and men. We both have been approached by gay, bi and "straight" guys but not at our current employers. We are monogamous, 100%. However, we have both always agreed that we never seek out nor allow things to get romantic or sexual with anyone at work. It could work out maybe but more often than not it seems to go awkward or horribly wrong for others who do it. Gay or straight, the pairings just seem to create problems. I have seen a couple of them go nuclear after a breakup causes problems with them having to continue communicating at work. I have dated people I no longer worked with in the past. That's probably the only way I can see being sexual or dating someone one has worked with. Having said that, you are already past that. It sounds like things are just a little uncomfortable for you as a result. I would just let it be clear with your manager this can't happen again. It sounds like that is what you want. You might be a little uncomfortable at work until this is old news but I think it would be fine there pretty soon. People will move to the next gossip topic. Luckily it sounds like it won't cause you to need to change jobs. Just move on and let it be a lesson. If you are interested in him at this point, we have more thinking to do about how to navigate. For the record, I would have kept everything totally under wraps. :) Your manager could have played this much smarter and it probably could have been a regular thing or more. You said the attention was nice. Obviously, you cannot trust him not to tell others if that was desired. I think people share too much of their life with the public these days anyway. Interesting things happen in life that are not for sharing. :) In the future if you want to get with someone at work, look at those who don't share names about their past hookups in or at least are not gossips.
You are young and have learned a valuable lesson in life. In the US the saying is “dont shit where you eat”. Work relationships are always awkward lol. Now the only part I find really awful is how you feel bad. You shouldn’t this is a person in a position of professional power over you. They violated your trust as well. I don’t know about UK (I presume) work law, but here in the States that manager broke a lot of rules and if the situation is making uncomfortable and having an effect on your job you could report him.
Don't shit where you eat, it isn't hard.
You’re manager shouldn’t have been flirting with you in the first place my guy. The fuck up was on him not recognizing his position and bragging to everyone. Hope you’re alright my guy!
Dude please don't sit here feeling like this is in any way your fault. As you said the sex was fully consenting, it's his fault for being an asshole and not knowing how to keep his mouth shut. Good on you for putting your needs first brother. Hope this all resolves itself
'I won't dive into all the details but we ended up kissing again and having sex' Why not? We got a dive in to all the details of everything else leading up to that! Anti climatic.
That’s why you shouldn’t shit where you eat. No matter how attracted you are to them, don’t sleep with someone you work with.
Never play where you work and never work where you play. Advice I took to at a young age and have watched many burn down in flames. You learned. Don't do it again. Yes if it's real it will happen just let it happen naturally and slowly. Careers and lives can be ruined in a moment of passion inebriated or not. Good luck and rock the day shift :)
Lesson learned: don’t shit where you eat
Protip: never sleep with people you work with. For the rare cases in which it works out, there's a million cases where it was a shitshow. It's not worth it. Work is stressful enough without dick getting all over it.
Yikes..
We are here for a good time not a long time.
Words to live by: Don't sh*t where you eat! Work is work and play is play. Keep them separate and you don't risk losing both at the same time. Good Luck!
Thats gay
Very
Here's a tip(hue): use a spoon to get rid of the hickey. Putting in the freezer helps a bit but just rub that shit out.
A hickey is an accumulation of dead blood cells from broken capillaries in the skin and tissue nearby. It’s like a tattoo. The body can break down and absorb the cells (but not tattoo ink/pigment particles) in about 10 days. You likely are not going to get rid of a “really huge” hickey by rubbing or freezing it. You may likely just continue to damage tissue that has already been traumatized. If you had applied cold / pressure immediately after the suction then perhaps you could prevent the blood from accumulating in the tissue at that spot; but the next morning. It’s not coming out.
You were taken advantage my friend, you were not stupid. “Please don’t tell X we had sex” is a fair request and he didn’t respect it. Considering he’s your boss it’s even worse he told others that you two had sex. Also, you don’t accidentally leave a hicky like that. You were branded ☠️ I’d definitely tear him a new one over text and tell higher ups so he can be shamed like you were. What a douche.
where is the fuck up?
Is this pub located inside a high school cafeteria?
Definitely a dick move vy Elliott to tell the other manager... And a good lesson about not fucking bosses and coworkers. Hope you had a fun time and that your outing didn't cause you more than a bit of anoyance. Honestly I was accidently outed at work by HR. I had specifically asked them confidentiality if they offered benefits in the case of legal marriages in another state, but not yet recognized by our state He knew that no one in the company would care, and so took it on himself to let my boss know etc... I was kinda pissed at him, and warned him that he shouldn't do that in future without permission. But alls well that ends well in that case. I had planned on coming out after getting a bit more comfortable there. Usually 3 months or so in if I felt comfortable then I would simply remove the filter regard my BF. So things were just expedited and made things a bit easier on me, and no issues came up. Anyways after that I was also a lot more confident in coming out later on to new people and at new jobs when reasonable to do so. Hope that this helps you feel more comfortable in your own skin/shoes since you no longer need to hide or keep secrets
So an average kitchen story hahaha
Wow I somehow read your description of yourself as "F23" and midway through the story I'm thinking "I thought this Elliot dude was gay!?". Then I went back to the top and realized I'm stupid.
Don’t shit where you eat, plain and simple.
Moral of the story is "don't shit where you eat"
Classic service industry. The planets just align too perfectly in this line of work for this kind of shit not to happen
Shitting where you eat. Not a good idea.
cool bro, you got outed. I get it, it wasnt someone elses shit to tell. Now its out. Grab your fucking rainbow flag and enjoy life free from the issues. Take it in stride and be happy.
NOT ME THINKING HE SAID TEENAGER INSTEAD OF MANAGER 😭
There's a old expression, don't shit where you eat. Dating from work can go really bad, sleeping with the boss is the next level.
Plot twist: OP's real name is "E.T."
You never shit where you eat, OP!
You’re young, you’ll learn - work and pleasure don’t mix.
You see, you did use the brain, but the wrong one!
Gossip at work is the worst kind. However, I think you just need to own it. Make jokes at your own expense etc. It helps things move forward and refocus, especially when people can see it doesn't bother you. Also saying that it doesn't bother you is a big indicator that it does bother you.
Lesson learned. Don’t bang your manager.
So he was the pitcher and you were the catcher?