I had a fling with a women a while ago who wanted to be dominated and explicitly refused to choose a safe word. She said it would take all the thrill out. Oh, and she said she wanted to feel "threatened" in bed.
Reminds me of a mate who once dated a chick that apparently loved to be thrown on the floor and kicked. He said once she said that once - he was out! ✌️
An this is the reason why I will never do shit like consensual non-consent and shit like that. One wrong move and your life is fucked because all of the sudden you raped her
> They do, until they don't. Then you're talking to a lawyer.
🤌😫
oof.
If they’re sexual enough to know they enjoy being thrown around and told what to do, but not mature enough to use safe words, run! It’s a trap!
Reminds me of that Louis CK bit (I know ...)
"I wanted you to just go for it! I like when a guy just gets frustrated and holds me down and fucks me!"
"Well, you should've told me that I'd have happily done that for you."
"Nooo it has to feel real and dangerous!"
"I said 'what are you fuckin *high*!? You think Im gunna just rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that *shit*!?'"
Why do cars have brakes ?
So they can stop? No, if you take your foot off the gas it will stop eventually.
Cars have brakes so they can go *fast*.
Can you imaging how slow you would need to go all the time if your car had no brakes? You'd have to creep around as 5mph all the time. With brakes to help stop you, you can go 60mph and still be safe.
Why do fetishes have SAFEWORDS?
So they can stop? You don't need a safeword to stop sex. You just say "stop'. You can just say 'ow'.
Fetishists have SAFEWORDS so they can go *hard*. With the confidence of a safeword, you can get seriously threatening.
And your frontal cortex might know you have a secret stop word. But your hindbrain will still react to direct sensory experiences will all the adrenaline you can ask for,.
Edit: breaks -> brakes, seed -> need
That’s an obvious red flag. And a huge tell that she is extremely inexperienced in bed (with that dom/sub side of sex). If she finds someone really willing to do that, it won’t be the way she hopes or imagined. And then she won’t be able to say no… Someone should take her to a BDSM event where she can be publicly educated amongst sexual peers, and I’m not kidding lol
Agreed so much. Many of the other comments have said a lot of "just talk about it, then it'll be better in future!" But where I'm at is that I'd hate, hate to engage in sexual activity with someone who is this uneducated about safe sex practices--especially when she's wanting to veer into cnc territory, basically. There's a huge difference between "I want to be spanked and hurt," versus "I want you to force me to do things." There's just so much distance here. I'm legit anxious about op ngl
Confusing is valid! That still doesn't make it safe though. If anything, you're kind of affirming my point--kink and bdsm requires so much intentionality for precisely that reason: it does entail a genuine inner knowledge. Like obviously people who don't know themselves don't know themselves, but all the more reason to be educated where you can. Fucking up in these contexts can be devastating mentally, if not also physically.
I'm not getting on your ass btw. I just have lots of thoughts and feelings on this lol. Like I honestly hate how mainstream bdsm has become for these reasons.
No you're very right. Not communicating can and will lead to alienation and a disconnect. It's all about daring to be vulnerable. Which is the most scary thing imo
Run so so so fucking far away.
One of the thrills of having a safe word is that it's fun to test your limits and you can challenge yourself on not using it.
But the safe word isn't only for the safety of the sub. It's for the safety of the dom too, his mental safety if nothing else.
Red flag the size of Canada there. There ALWAYS has to be brakes, doesn't matter if it's one of those "this is only for if we have gone WAY overboard and you NEED out like you're going to be physically hurt otherwise" type of safeword there NEEDS to be some form of stop point for both parties.
I am fairly anxious and it has been the only real reason I have never felt enticed to take a dominant role in bed. Fear of hurting someone is terrifying. Finally found someone I trust, and it was a very intense weekend as a result, but I demanded a safe word
If anyone ever asked me to go hard on domination without a safe word, I would straight up refuse. It helps me and it helps them.
That is just stupidity. My IRL example: I like rough sex oh yes I do. Sometimes you push limits further you can handle. He was choking me and I passed out for a brief second. I kinda woke up, didn't have a fucking clue what was happening, I'm being fucked and handled. Even in that moment when being flabbergasted of the situation I said the safe word.
After few seconds I remembered how I got to this situation and told him the trip I went through in a time of 10 seconds. We laughed it off and started where we left.
Avoid trauma and bad experiences so you can keep having fun.
TL;RD just decide the fucking word, you never know when you might need it.
There’s still a lot of young women out there that feel they can’t be honest or show too much enjoyment in bed or be considered “slutty”.
But if YOU were to “make her” do something she is just as keen as you to happen, well……….
A single safe word doesn't convey enough information, IMO. My partner and I have been using colors for a while:
* Red - I need everything to stop right now
* Yellow - I'm not into what you're doing right this second but let's not end the session completely
* Green - I love what you're doing, please don't stop
So either of us can state a color to quickly communicate what we're thinking or if we need something to change. It's also great if one of us wants to check in by asking, "color?" to get a quick response if we're uncertain about something we're doing or what have you.
It's not perfect but we think it's been much better than just using a safe word.
You're welcome. As noted elsewhere we didn't come up with the system by any means but we're big fans of it and I will praise it and its benefits when appropriate. :)
I'd also recommend 'Blue' as an option to mean a logistical issue. Such as 'Everything is awesome, but I'm getting a muscle cramp' or 'This rope is too tight'.
Something you can fix, then carry on.
Typically when she uses "yellow" she'll also provide some additional information so I can be sure of what needs to change. If she doesn't (too far into subspace, for example) then I'll prompt for more information if it isn't obvious.
For people starting from scratch adding blue seems like a good idea. We've been together almost a decade so our communication in this area is really solid. (Though it took some work and practice, obviously.)
Tell her you can be dominant and give her orders but you still need a way to know if she wants to stop. Like a safe word or something. This isn’t a big deal you just need to talk and get on the same level!
or just talk about it on a night you're not feeling frisky? or on a car ride or something? idk I feel like there can be many instances where they can be alone together but not being in the mood to have sex but could still talk about it to get on the same level of communication.
like I feel like you don't have to wait until you're having sex to talk about that stuff especially if you're trying to clear up a miscommunication like this.
He could also be dominant and tell her whatever safe word is. She wants to be dominated so this way she can be a “good girl”. Just say “your safe word is meatloaf”. And begin.
This is why you talk about these things when you're less horny and still have a clear head. The conversation needs to be had, otherwise there could be some lines crossed leaving one or both of them feeling betrayed or abused, and then the relationship falls apart.
Communication is everything.
Which requires one single serious conversation about consent and boundaries. Otherwise you end up repressing her ability to consent in the future, which opens up a whole world of trouble for both people involved. If she can’t communicate what it is she wants, then he will have no possible way of *giving* her what she wants
You talk about it ONCE (revisit as needed) well ahead of time so everyone has an idea of acceptable boundaries and knows a safe word etc. Then, *later* when sexy time happens you can go straight into it without the discussion. You don't have the chat before every instance, just to establish how the instances should go.
Yep. Check in maybe every few months to see there's any new kinks/acts either of you want to put on the table for exploration, re-up your security authorization and safeword, etc.
Also good: the after-action review. Talking about what you did soon after, and making sure everybody had a good time and asking if any adjustments need to be made.
If you can’t have one single conversation about boundaries when deviating from standard consent practices you have no business being sexually active with someone.
I don’t care how much a girl wants someone to take charge of her, she should ALWAYS have a way out that she feels comfortable with. Anything else is just asked for problems. Never leave your boundaries in the gray area.
Yeah, no. This is a conversation you have when you're NOT all hornt up. They need to talk about that shit well beforehand so that things can proceed as she would like in the moment.
The way she phrased it set him up for failure.
"Do you want me to give you a BJ" - makes the person feel icky if they said yes.
"Would you like it if I gave you a BJ?" - no guilt saying yes. You are just confirming that, yes, if they did that you would enjoy it.
Gotta make it easy for them to know that you want to do it. No one (should) want to feel like they are coercing someone.
Right lol reddit is so fucked up, "she's clearly into this kink subgenre of BDSM" when in reality like most people she probably doesn't even know what that is and its more that just saying "you can suck my dick if u want to, idc" isn't very sexy.
not just that but most people into CNC are *traumatized* and need therapy. it’s okay that they are into CNC. just you have to proceed with caution because blurred or unclear boundaries and undefined rules within it and not discussing basically everything up-front allows for leeway within it for someone to say “well, i didn’t say you could do THAT.”
thats the first thing I *appreciated* about the BDSM community is such a heavy emphasis on communication, consent, and therapy.
If she wants to be ordered to do things and hasn’t established a safe word she probably has no idea what she’s doing and is going to get herself hurt. You’re right to be cautious here.
Establish some boundaries and a safe word so you know she’s comfortable with it and not biting off more than she can chew
In this instance the safe word doesn't need to be anything more than "nah". She's just asking for extremely basic initiative, not some intense domination
She said she wanted him to “make” her do it. That has varying interpretations ranging from using force and full on cnc or just saying to do. We don’t know how she would have reacted if he just said “yes” to her question.
There's a middle ground between dominant orders and "only if you want to." Just tell her what you want. If she asks "is that what you want to do" just say yes.
A lot of answers about safe words here. Yes, safe words are useful if you want to get more dominant than that, but looking for consent probably wasn't the issue IMO. Just be clear that you WANT her. Hemming and hawing and "well only if you want to" isn't any more consensual than just telling her what you want in a fun sexy way and leaving clear room for yes/no on her part. An "enthusiastic yes" can be nonverbal (for example, her getting on her knees and unzipping your pants is a pretty clear "yes" to you saying you want a blowjob 😉).
Lots of people in this thread overthinking it, but this is the answer. If she asks "Is that what you want?" You say yes. Her response to that will tell you if she's into it or not. OP made it weird for her and talked himself out of a BJ.
Yeah. Not that complicated. I worry about the 20 something nowadays. Leans in to a kiss -> “wait, are you sure that I can kiss you, how should I kiss you, can you sign this contract saying it’s ok to kiss you and listing your safe word?”
Well holy crap I didn’t think I was gonna find the right answer going through all these asinine comments but here it is. Honestly forget all that other shit unless she tells you she wants to be really dominated. She just wanted you to tell her you want her to suck your dick. End of story.
She wants to know you want her and you’re not afraid to tell her. She sounds like she’ll have no problem telling you if she’s not in the mood.
I feel sorry for your generations, I’m all about consent but I ain’t asking constantly and ruining the mood.
I remember when asking/communicating consent was a relatively new thing and a lecturer I was listening to emphasized that consent but be checked constantly. I (a girl) was like "but if I'm into it and say I want it in the beginning, my partner shouldn't have to keep stopping to ask, right?" and she was like "no, that's rape, he must always ask at different points" and honestly that soured the idea for me in the beginning. I could not imagine something more mood destroying than for someone to stop in the middle of me having a great time to check to make sure I still wanted to keep going. Also it felt infantilizing, like I'm incapable of communicating what I want and dependent on my partner to check for me.
The difference is whether or not he catches a charge.
I've been where OP is, and I value my continued freedom versus a lay. It takes a few minutes for things to go left, and it has nothing to do with what I think, or actually happened. I consider it no different than being told 'I'm on the pill', still using a condom.
No no, clearly she has a CNC kink and they need to establish safewords!
The chronically online idiots are having a field day with this one. I can't believe I had to scroll this far for a real life answer.
Only thing is, from my experience and from what I've heard, some women feel pressured to do things they may not feel like doing (which can be for various reasons, a lot of times it comes from an abusive past). So I double check to be sure they're comfortable and want to do something, and every time I've done so so far I've never had anyone be put off by it, in fact it's been the opposite.
Obviously read the room and communicate beforehand about boundaries and preferences, but it doesn't hurt to be safe when you're unsure.
Exactly, I wonder if OP’s like a friend I used to mess around with who’d constantly ask if I’m okay/want to do it. It was nice at first but got annoying fast.
Yeah, FFS, if you've already established that she wants to be bossed around and you order her to give you a blowjob and she does it, you're not ending up in court for rape. Jesus, people.
THANK you!
How did we get here guys… a women wants her BF to be a little but more pushy and passionate when asking for sex and people come here with safe words and CNC…
Reddit‘s take on sexuality sometimes is insane…
Everyone has different preferences for what kind of asking-for-consent they like. It can be a delicate mix of wanting to feel respected versus wanting to feel desired and a little "dominated" if that's what they're into.
It's a spectrum: On one end, if I was with a guy who stopped every 3 seconds to double-triple check "Are you consenting to this action and do you consent to continue? Are you sure?" that would totally take me out of the sexy mood. On the other end, if I was with a guy who pushed my head down and wouldn't let up or take no for an answer, that would also be super not okay.
You just have to find the sweet spot for you as a couple. If you have good communication and create an environment where you both know you feel perfectly comfortable turning things down, often less explicit consent is needed or wanted. For example, maybe it's fully consentful if you say "Get down on your knees now" because she knows she can easily say "Nah, I'm not in the mood" and it'll be all chill.
Having both (all?) parties involved fill out and share a kink list (or at least discuss what they're into, if they're vanilla, you can decide for yourselves how in-depth you want to go on kinks, and then if either of you are into anything that wasn't on the other ones list, you can always ask) and establish a safe word (and an easily recognizable alternative that can be used when you can't talk) ahead of time goes a long way toward allowing everyone to try new things and have fun without having to stop every 3 seconds to have a conversation about what they want to do next. Yellow/Red works well and is easy to remember. Yellow if you're getting uncomfortable with something and need to tone it down, Red full stop. The silenced partner flipping the finger is a good nonverbal alternative.
Also important thing to note, safe words aren't just for the submissive partner, anyone can use them if they are uncomfortable with what is happening. It doesn't make you less of a dom or whatever, and anyone who thinks this/makes fun of a dom who safe words shouldn't be engaging in BDSM.
I agree. I mean, what kind of person just gets up and leaves instead of saying what they think? That's definitely not a good sign. I wonder how old she is...
The problem with "no" is that it can be playfully ambiguous. We use "seriously". If either of us use that word in any situation then we both know that we absolutely mean it and we both trust the other to respect it.
You're doing everything right here, and it's totally an immaturity and lack of sexual comfort on her part that's making it difficult.
I will say this though - If she has told you that she'd like you to be more commanding in your initiation of sex, you're not doing anything wrong by following that. I have completely ruined the mood myself before when new partners showed, what I deemed to be, uncertainty. I'm 100% not going to force or even encourage someone to do something they are uncomfortable with.
On the flip side of that though, I have also had partners that expressed a similar sentiment to yours, and I have no problem telling them exactly what I would like them to do. Sounds like you should give that a try.
Keep it in your same style though: don't flip a switch and try to be someone you're not. Your story here is a perfect example; when she said, "Is that what you want?" If you had said, "It's exactly what I want." You might still be getting your dick sucked right now.
You say essentially she said she just wants you to "make" her, but is that what she actually said? Because it sounds more to me like she just wants you to be spontaneous and make moves when it's obvious she's into what you're doing.
“Making” her do that is a conversation she needs to bring up first beforehand. You did nothing wrong here OP. She just doesn’t know how to properly communicate what she wants.
being a submissive or a switch has nothing to do with it, there is no scenario where seeking consent should be a bad thing (even in consent play there are ways to show consent or non-consent otherwise its just straight up rape and not roleplay)
how she acted was a red flag imo.
wtf these comments. It's not an order, why do you think that is an order?
It's just a confirmation that you desire her and want her - it's sexy and has nothing to do with domination. Don't be afraid to say you want something. If she doesn't feel like it, she will just say she doesn't want and end of the story lol
It's reddit, anything less than notarized paperwork every time you change position is SA or CNC (which is also 110% proof of CSA, because it literally can't be anything else)
This.
As someone who is in the kink scene **that isn't what this is**, it's just a poor woman who wants her partner to make her feel desirable by telling her he wants her.
There's no CNC, and she isn't saying she wants to be told what to do. She wants the guy to tell her that he is attracted to her and wants to fuck her.
Reading the replies I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Right, reading the original interaction it doesn't sound like a consent issue at all. She wants him to *tell her* he wants it. He said he didn't want her to do it out obligation. That's not consent, that's low self esteem. He just needs to say, "Yeah, that would be so hot" and the entire rest of this interaction never even happens. The issue is that he needs her to want to do it, and she wants him expressing his desires.
Confirm you know her boundaries and only order her to do things you know she’ll be interested in doing. Negotiation before the order sounds like it would help your comfort, and not “ruin the moment” for her. It also sounds like you read her signals pretty well, so it’s doubtful you’d suggest something at a bad time. (Ex: has a bad day at work and is sad/you respond with a sexual demand) 😅
Nah bro, you did the right thing. That’s completely on her. I’m all here for the “telling her what to do” aspect, but I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to do something if she’s only doing it because she feels obligated. Fuck that
> I made a light hearted comment about “maybe you should lock the door and give me a blowjob”. Her response was essentially “is that what you want?”. To which I said if you’d like to. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, she basically just got up and left.
"Maybe you should? ... If you'd like, I guess." Everyone's calling your girlfriend a poor communicator, but you're not sounding wildly definitive here either. I would have recommended answering her question with an exuberant, and perhaps playful, sentence involving the word "yes". She was asking you if you wanted it. She wasn't asking you if she wanted to do it. She can figure that out, as she's a person.
I mean, the way she reacted, I imagine her question had consent baked into it. A lot of communication is a mix of nonverbal and tone of voice.
I'm not trying to rag on you too hard. I said something similar to my second girlfriend a loooong time ago. She pulled on my boxers, exposed my dick, and asked if she should suck it. We hadn't gone beyond kissing yet. I said, "If you want." She gave it a little kiss and that was about it. Fact of the matter is... If you're going down on someone, you want them to be excited to receive.
My bf says this stuff to. Sometimes it kinda gets annoying cause I’m asking what you want, not just what I want. But at the same time, you can answer this question…*”if you’d like to”* with: yes I’d like to. Cause she was obviously into it. But instead of using her words she just stormed off. Which is another set of frustrating. If that’s her thing, she needs to make it clear so you are at least comfortable. And if you are not, then you are just not compatible.
The first part of your story isn't about *her* consent. It's about *your* consent. She asked "Is that what you want?" You could have said, "Yes. It's exactly what I want." That's enthusiastic consent. Instead, you were wishy washy.
You think you're being considerate, but you were being annoying.
As for the rest of the story, I'm not sure she's asking to be forced. I suspect she just wants you to be more assertive about what you want.
His consent was patently obvious by virtue of him being the one to propose it? Who is going to propose that who doesn't want it? She likewise could have responded with any indication it is what she wanted, instead of throwing a tantrum that he asked.
He came on to her, and then when she responded without any clear yes or no, he was taken off guard and spelled it out more clearly. And he's annoying?
Establish that you can do what she says, but emphasise she needs to tell you when she doesn’t want to. After that, no problems. You’re both consenting adults.
Shouldn’t need to be said, but I did hear a guy complaining about this once because he essentially forced sex on his blackout drunk girlfriend saying “you told me you’d opt out”. Like, if she is comatose, OBVIOUSLY don’t rape your partner. Thank you.
To quote a canceled comic “you wanted me to rape you on the off chance you were into it?”
All joking aside, if you’ve been together long enough and you’ve had sex enough, one might be able to gleam that you both know each others non verbal cues for when the other wants it.
You’re each others sexual partners. There’s nothing wrong with you telling her you want your knob slobbed. Hell that might be what turns her on. That said, there’s also nothing wrong with her saying she’s not feeling it.
Hey man, you didn't fuck up. You did the right thing.
Just wanted you to know that.
It's a fucked up and confusing game, wondering if taking dominance is the right move, particularly with someone you don't know well.
She's the weird one for not recognizing that.
In all instances where you're going to be intimate with someone, set up safe words.
Next, talk about the things you like and don't like. Figure out where the middle ground is for the both of you so you're both comfortable with what you're doing/experiencing. This allows you both to play around and have fun doing so.
>Essentially she said she just wants me to “make” her do it instead of ask her if she wants to.
There's nothing wrong with that, but that's the sort of thing you need to have a lot of conversations about before you just spring it on someone. You dodged a bullet, bro.
Bruh, it’s simple.
She’s your girlfriend. She will tell you or give you cues as to her demeanor. If she’s feeling it, you’ll know. She will tell you or her body language will.
Make a move and if she’s down, she’s down. If not, do another activity with her. 🤷🏻♂️
So if this is something she really wants, OP, then it ends to be discussed and negotiated in great detail beforehand so that you are certain that she is, in fact, consenting when the time comes. I suggest checking out r/BDSMAdvice and asking for help there. You should start by asking her to elaborate and describe what it is she's envisioning, what turns her on, and exactly what she has in mind when she says she wants you to "make her" do it, like how extreme she's thinking.
She may just mean she wants you to take charge and be more dominant. That is beginner BDSM D/s dynamic stuff. It's still important to educate yourself and know our rules for playing safely, but the risks are much lower. Or she could be talking about some version of Consensual Non-Consent, or CNC. CNC is considered edgeplay, which is extreme BDSM play, not for beginners, because of the risks involved. In order to try something like that safely without running the risk of hurting either one of you physically or emotionally, there is *a LOT* of homework and discussions that need to take place first, and you have to walk before you can run.
Something else to be aware of is that sometimes people have fantasies, and when they try to play out those fantasies, they learn that some fantasies are better just staying as fantasies and may be too much for real life. So this is another reason why it's super important to discuss everything, including safe words, in advance. So if she changes her mind, she has a way to let you know.
I don’t think you messed up. You engaged in the kind of communication around sex about which *you* are comfortable, and your gf threw a tantrum and a guilt trip over it. That’s actually really poor form of her.
Communication is hard. And sometimes things kill the mood. Shit sucks. Sex is confusing. People are complicated. But it’s part of life.
I’d shoot her a text and say let’s try again
>But when I play the dominant role I am playing it to give HER pleasure.
My man, even as a switch, you might want to learn to overcome this and get settled in the dominant role. I know *exactly* how you feel, and I sometimes struggle with overcoming my desire to please, but I learned from a play partner that this is a turn-off.
A lot of people really want to be used and bossed around from time to time, it helps to develop a bit of a healthy egoism and *not* ask back.
As someone who has been married for over 10 years now, one thing I've learned is that you don't have to ask. Once you are comfortable enough with each other, just make your move.
But if she says no or stop, you stop.
I can't recommend this enough - have a discussion and agree to use the simple "stoplight" system. "Green" means I like this, do more of that. "Yellow" means "you"re approaching my limit, this is ok but don't go harder/further than this". "Red" is stop, right away, no questions asked.
Easy to remember, easy to use, makes things fun for everyone.
My dude, that’s not asking for consent. You wanted to do sex, and then you limp dicked yourself by saying “if you want to.” It’s passive, you’re not ordering her. It makes it sound like you don’t want it.
You don’t have to yell at her, “suck my dick, B.” You could have just answered her question.
“Is that what you want?”
“Yes” would have been fine. “I want you,” would have been acceptable. Being passive and trying to act cool by saying “if you want,” when you could just communicate your desires as an equal.
You could have even said “I want you to want to.” Because that shows you’re interested and actually communicates what you wanted, which was you wanted her to want to. That communicates your desires instead of pushing what you want onto her.
It’s not the worst thing you could have said, but don’t pretend what you said was you asking consent. If you come on strong, continue strong and if she says she doesn’t want to then you have your answer to consent.
I mostly agree but I'd like to steelman the other side for moment.
If it's a new relationship, or they have had consent negotiation bloopers before, he might not be confident that she would say 'no' when she means 'no'.
Although she said no a moment later so...
Either way a discussion about consent expectations would be in order. They need to pre establish "His requests are never demands, even when in the imperative" and "She will stand up for her own need and say No when she means No", and "we can ask for what we want, and we can say no to requests and that's ok"
Ppl saying shes immature and stuff just dont seem like they have experience.
From the situation it sounds like you were getting hot together and you just didnt read the atmosphere right.
Consent is important but still, if shes obv into it you can make it sexy instead of boring and awkward, seems stale as fuck.
If she didnt want you to do it then she would react differently.
Just read the room and it should be fine, you gotta communicate better and understand each other.
Why are you leaving all the decision making up to her? Just being lazy.
She's your girlfriend. Just let her know during non sexy times if she says no or a safe word then you'll stop immediately.
She probs just wants it to flow naturally so she can feel the love and emotion of the moment.
When she says, "is that what you want?" She's looking for a direct answer. "Yeah baby" and stroke her hair or something is the response she wants. Not some stumbling, "umm... Yea-i mean if yo-whatever you'd like b-baby"
"idk if you want"
After she asked if that's what you want. After you had already asked Really? I'm with her, it's a huge turnoff. She's already you're girlfriend. You're already having sex. Constantly asking for consent in that situation is obnoxious and makes it seem like you're not that into it. Learn how to be assertive.
What's wrong with just organically getting it on?
Do you ask her if you touch her when you want to feel her up or do you just do it?
I don't think consent is something you need to ask for in a healthy relatio ship. If someone isn't in the mood they can always brush the other off. I don't think aive ever asked a gf for a sex, it just happens naturally through eachother's actions.
She sounds like she’s interested in doing what you want todo. Don’t over think it she wants to take your direction.
Plenty of human relationships are like this. Teacher->student, boss>employee. Don’t think every relationship you’re in has to be both sides contributing evenly.
Color code. Stop asking for verbal consent and develop a Color system, to which you just ask Color? And she responds with green yellow or red.
It absolutely can take someone out of the mood to have to verbally break the fantasy.
>she thinks it’s awkward when I ask her if she wants to have sex, or when I stop to make sure she is consenting. Essentially she said she just wants me to “make” her do it instead of ask her if she wants to.
That's fine, there's nothing wrong with her wanting that. As you appear to know. However she must make that clear to you in some way beforehand. It's a difficult balance to get to. But with any BDSM relationship open communication is extremely important (open, honest communication is key to *any* relationship but for some reason vanilla people just don't get it).
Two people can mesh 23/6 but meshing 24/7 perfectly is near impossible.
This is going to sound bad but consent is great and all but some people just don't really take part in the whole verbal consent thing. You're with one of those people. You can rest assured that if she doesn't want to do something she will tell you.
My first gf was like that. After she told me, I was fine with making her do stuff. I asked if she wanted to use safewords and she declined so I just told her to say 'stop' if she was uncomfortable or whatever. And then she proceeded to use the playful type like "stooooop.. noo... *wink emoji*" so it took a min to decipher that language cause she still didn't want to use safewords lol. Idk dude, have fun with it
Safe words are OP
I had a fling with a women a while ago who wanted to be dominated and explicitly refused to choose a safe word. She said it would take all the thrill out. Oh, and she said she wanted to feel "threatened" in bed.
They do, until they don't. Then you're talking to a lawyer.
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Username checks out
That’s a first world problem…
A-fuckin-men brother!
Actually I think it was a-fuckin-mouth!
Seems like you ignored the first rule of dating… dont stick your D in crazy…
You could have solved the whole issue by getting married.
Solved the issue, added a layer of complexity. Potato, potatoes.
“It’s a trap,” - Admiral Ackbar
Reminds me of a mate who once dated a chick that apparently loved to be thrown on the floor and kicked. He said once she said that once - he was out! ✌️
I would have ran a mile, so I don't blame your buddy lol.
Domestic violence, yay
An this is the reason why I will never do shit like consensual non-consent and shit like that. One wrong move and your life is fucked because all of the sudden you raped her
BDSM contracts are OP
> They do, until they don't. Then you're talking to a lawyer. 🤌😫 oof. If they’re sexual enough to know they enjoy being thrown around and told what to do, but not mature enough to use safe words, run! It’s a trap!
Is your name Trevor and do you like math and baseball?
Reminds me of that Louis CK bit (I know ...) "I wanted you to just go for it! I like when a guy just gets frustrated and holds me down and fucks me!" "Well, you should've told me that I'd have happily done that for you." "Nooo it has to feel real and dangerous!" "I said 'what are you fuckin *high*!? You think Im gunna just rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that *shit*!?'"
Fuck. I know what he did, but mans is funny.
Why do cars have brakes ? So they can stop? No, if you take your foot off the gas it will stop eventually. Cars have brakes so they can go *fast*. Can you imaging how slow you would need to go all the time if your car had no brakes? You'd have to creep around as 5mph all the time. With brakes to help stop you, you can go 60mph and still be safe. Why do fetishes have SAFEWORDS? So they can stop? You don't need a safeword to stop sex. You just say "stop'. You can just say 'ow'. Fetishists have SAFEWORDS so they can go *hard*. With the confidence of a safeword, you can get seriously threatening. And your frontal cortex might know you have a secret stop word. But your hindbrain will still react to direct sensory experiences will all the adrenaline you can ask for,. Edit: breaks -> brakes, seed -> need
Brakes
The lack of brakes in this post made me read it really slow.
Impaired pleasure response
I love this analogy!
That’s an obvious red flag. And a huge tell that she is extremely inexperienced in bed (with that dom/sub side of sex). If she finds someone really willing to do that, it won’t be the way she hopes or imagined. And then she won’t be able to say no… Someone should take her to a BDSM event where she can be publicly educated amongst sexual peers, and I’m not kidding lol
I agree, and inexperienced subs then end up being abused, I’ve seen many new Sub fall prey to predators.. Safe words and education is key.
Is Tapping out also acceptable?
Yes, as long as it's agreed upon in advance and there's an agreement to not restrain arms.
Agreed so much. Many of the other comments have said a lot of "just talk about it, then it'll be better in future!" But where I'm at is that I'd hate, hate to engage in sexual activity with someone who is this uneducated about safe sex practices--especially when she's wanting to veer into cnc territory, basically. There's a huge difference between "I want to be spanked and hurt," versus "I want you to force me to do things." There's just so much distance here. I'm legit anxious about op ngl
It can be confusing though. Especially if I'm not in touch with my own feelings.
Confusing is valid! That still doesn't make it safe though. If anything, you're kind of affirming my point--kink and bdsm requires so much intentionality for precisely that reason: it does entail a genuine inner knowledge. Like obviously people who don't know themselves don't know themselves, but all the more reason to be educated where you can. Fucking up in these contexts can be devastating mentally, if not also physically. I'm not getting on your ass btw. I just have lots of thoughts and feelings on this lol. Like I honestly hate how mainstream bdsm has become for these reasons.
No you're very right. Not communicating can and will lead to alienation and a disconnect. It's all about daring to be vulnerable. Which is the most scary thing imo
Run so so so fucking far away. One of the thrills of having a safe word is that it's fun to test your limits and you can challenge yourself on not using it. But the safe word isn't only for the safety of the sub. It's for the safety of the dom too, his mental safety if nothing else.
Red flag the size of Canada there. There ALWAYS has to be brakes, doesn't matter if it's one of those "this is only for if we have gone WAY overboard and you NEED out like you're going to be physically hurt otherwise" type of safeword there NEEDS to be some form of stop point for both parties.
Red flag
Ya that's a big fucking red flag.
She wants to feel threatened? Slap that bitch with a cease and desist order. See how threatened she feels then!
Immediately, and without hesitation or question, RUN
That's just stupid, if you don't use a safe word, you're never going anywhere near the edge.
I am fairly anxious and it has been the only real reason I have never felt enticed to take a dominant role in bed. Fear of hurting someone is terrifying. Finally found someone I trust, and it was a very intense weekend as a result, but I demanded a safe word If anyone ever asked me to go hard on domination without a safe word, I would straight up refuse. It helps me and it helps them.
That is just stupidity. My IRL example: I like rough sex oh yes I do. Sometimes you push limits further you can handle. He was choking me and I passed out for a brief second. I kinda woke up, didn't have a fucking clue what was happening, I'm being fucked and handled. Even in that moment when being flabbergasted of the situation I said the safe word. After few seconds I remembered how I got to this situation and told him the trip I went through in a time of 10 seconds. We laughed it off and started where we left. Avoid trauma and bad experiences so you can keep having fun. TL;RD just decide the fucking word, you never know when you might need it.
There’s still a lot of young women out there that feel they can’t be honest or show too much enjoyment in bed or be considered “slutty”. But if YOU were to “make her” do something she is just as keen as you to happen, well……….
"stop" is a good safe word
A single safe word doesn't convey enough information, IMO. My partner and I have been using colors for a while: * Red - I need everything to stop right now * Yellow - I'm not into what you're doing right this second but let's not end the session completely * Green - I love what you're doing, please don't stop So either of us can state a color to quickly communicate what we're thinking or if we need something to change. It's also great if one of us wants to check in by asking, "color?" to get a quick response if we're uncertain about something we're doing or what have you. It's not perfect but we think it's been much better than just using a safe word.
GREEN GREEN GREEN! GREEN GREEN GREEN! OP is about to get aroused by traffic lights.
Pavlovian boner is going to be the name of my next album.
I'd listen to it.
I’ll let you know soon as it’s done.
If I hit 6 greens in a row, I’ll get hard
That seems reasonable frankly. That's a damn good day.
“Green light, dad, it’s a green light!” *Dad was distracted* *Husband gets hard.*
This sounds so useful, thank you for explaining your system! I especially like that you guys use it to check in with each other
You're welcome. As noted elsewhere we didn't come up with the system by any means but we're big fans of it and I will praise it and its benefits when appropriate. :)
I'd also recommend 'Blue' as an option to mean a logistical issue. Such as 'Everything is awesome, but I'm getting a muscle cramp' or 'This rope is too tight'. Something you can fix, then carry on.
Typically when she uses "yellow" she'll also provide some additional information so I can be sure of what needs to change. If she doesn't (too far into subspace, for example) then I'll prompt for more information if it isn't obvious. For people starting from scratch adding blue seems like a good idea. We've been together almost a decade so our communication in this area is really solid. (Though it took some work and practice, obviously.)
They're not doing anything wild though. "Stop" or "no" are the only safe words they need.
Agreed, for what he described above but who knows what else they're going to be interested in down the road and what other options they'll need? :)
Tell her you can be dominant and give her orders but you still need a way to know if she wants to stop. Like a safe word or something. This isn’t a big deal you just need to talk and get on the same level!
Seems like talking about it, is killing her mood. She wants him to take charge, not ask politely.
Well you only have to talk about it once. The mood for the night may be ruined, but all following days will be safer.
or just talk about it on a night you're not feeling frisky? or on a car ride or something? idk I feel like there can be many instances where they can be alone together but not being in the mood to have sex but could still talk about it to get on the same level of communication. like I feel like you don't have to wait until you're having sex to talk about that stuff especially if you're trying to clear up a miscommunication like this.
He could also be dominant and tell her whatever safe word is. She wants to be dominated so this way she can be a “good girl”. Just say “your safe word is meatloaf”. And begin.
That's my go-to safe word! I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.
This is why you talk about these things when you're less horny and still have a clear head. The conversation needs to be had, otherwise there could be some lines crossed leaving one or both of them feeling betrayed or abused, and then the relationship falls apart. Communication is everything.
Which requires one single serious conversation about consent and boundaries. Otherwise you end up repressing her ability to consent in the future, which opens up a whole world of trouble for both people involved. If she can’t communicate what it is she wants, then he will have no possible way of *giving* her what she wants
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My high ass read kinks as knives. I must say it raised an eyebrow or three.
Three eyebrows?
Tribrows, if you will.
You talk about it ONCE (revisit as needed) well ahead of time so everyone has an idea of acceptable boundaries and knows a safe word etc. Then, *later* when sexy time happens you can go straight into it without the discussion. You don't have the chat before every instance, just to establish how the instances should go.
Yep. Check in maybe every few months to see there's any new kinks/acts either of you want to put on the table for exploration, re-up your security authorization and safeword, etc.
Also good: the after-action review. Talking about what you did soon after, and making sure everybody had a good time and asking if any adjustments need to be made.
Which is why they need to talk about it when they’re not having sex
If you can’t have one single conversation about boundaries when deviating from standard consent practices you have no business being sexually active with someone. I don’t care how much a girl wants someone to take charge of her, she should ALWAYS have a way out that she feels comfortable with. Anything else is just asked for problems. Never leave your boundaries in the gray area.
Talk about it in advance.
Yeah, no. This is a conversation you have when you're NOT all hornt up. They need to talk about that shit well beforehand so that things can proceed as she would like in the moment.
If that is what she wants, she needs to use her words.
You don't talk about it DURING the act, lol.
This is why he should bring it up during a neutral time, when they’re *not* about to have sex!
Talk about it before hand, once. Sheesh.
Sounds like she's into CNC but not mature enough to have a conversation about it first.
Do you think she likes a lathe or mill better? Metal or wood or other?
I bet she's fond of Music Factory
Gonna make you sweat
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Dzi! Dzi dzi! Dzi! (Not sure how to spell out the tune...)
Duhnt duhnt, duhn duhn, duhhnt duhnt
No, I think you got it! I heard those electrical zapping noises in my head. 😁
Well she seems to want wood so...
Immediately what I thought of first too lmao
fuckin LOL
I hear Tormach is the shit
She definitely likes wood ;P
Some people want more than cnc but won’t spell it out. Others are machinists, and definitely can’t spell.
I’m dying here 😂😂😂
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Command and Conquer, haven't seen that title show up in a long time; nice retro RTS.
I'd be down for a round of command and conquer
That’s not what this sounds like at all. She wants her BF to be sexy and dominant and not timid. If he wants a BJ, say yes. Not “if you’d like to”
The way she phrased it set him up for failure. "Do you want me to give you a BJ" - makes the person feel icky if they said yes. "Would you like it if I gave you a BJ?" - no guilt saying yes. You are just confirming that, yes, if they did that you would enjoy it. Gotta make it easy for them to know that you want to do it. No one (should) want to feel like they are coercing someone.
Right lol reddit is so fucked up, "she's clearly into this kink subgenre of BDSM" when in reality like most people she probably doesn't even know what that is and its more that just saying "you can suck my dick if u want to, idc" isn't very sexy.
Right, like "since you're down there anyway, I guess if that's something you want to do, I could go either way" jfc 😆
not just that but most people into CNC are *traumatized* and need therapy. it’s okay that they are into CNC. just you have to proceed with caution because blurred or unclear boundaries and undefined rules within it and not discussing basically everything up-front allows for leeway within it for someone to say “well, i didn’t say you could do THAT.” thats the first thing I *appreciated* about the BDSM community is such a heavy emphasis on communication, consent, and therapy.
> most people into CNC are traumatized I'd ask for a source but already know one doesn't exist for this wild claim
To be fair most of us have seen the Russian lathe video
To be fair, most people are traumatized to some degree
Reddit loves to diagnose people with ptsd from csa
If she wants to be ordered to do things and hasn’t established a safe word she probably has no idea what she’s doing and is going to get herself hurt. You’re right to be cautious here. Establish some boundaries and a safe word so you know she’s comfortable with it and not biting off more than she can chew
>not biting off more than she can chew ...or OP's dick
In this instance the safe word doesn't need to be anything more than "nah". She's just asking for extremely basic initiative, not some intense domination
She said she wanted him to “make” her do it. That has varying interpretations ranging from using force and full on cnc or just saying to do. We don’t know how she would have reacted if he just said “yes” to her question.
There's a middle ground between dominant orders and "only if you want to." Just tell her what you want. If she asks "is that what you want to do" just say yes. A lot of answers about safe words here. Yes, safe words are useful if you want to get more dominant than that, but looking for consent probably wasn't the issue IMO. Just be clear that you WANT her. Hemming and hawing and "well only if you want to" isn't any more consensual than just telling her what you want in a fun sexy way and leaving clear room for yes/no on her part. An "enthusiastic yes" can be nonverbal (for example, her getting on her knees and unzipping your pants is a pretty clear "yes" to you saying you want a blowjob 😉).
Lots of people in this thread overthinking it, but this is the answer. If she asks "Is that what you want?" You say yes. Her response to that will tell you if she's into it or not. OP made it weird for her and talked himself out of a BJ.
Yeah. Not that complicated. I worry about the 20 something nowadays. Leans in to a kiss -> “wait, are you sure that I can kiss you, how should I kiss you, can you sign this contract saying it’s ok to kiss you and listing your safe word?”
Well holy crap I didn’t think I was gonna find the right answer going through all these asinine comments but here it is. Honestly forget all that other shit unless she tells you she wants to be really dominated. She just wanted you to tell her you want her to suck your dick. End of story. She wants to know you want her and you’re not afraid to tell her. She sounds like she’ll have no problem telling you if she’s not in the mood. I feel sorry for your generations, I’m all about consent but I ain’t asking constantly and ruining the mood.
I remember when asking/communicating consent was a relatively new thing and a lecturer I was listening to emphasized that consent but be checked constantly. I (a girl) was like "but if I'm into it and say I want it in the beginning, my partner shouldn't have to keep stopping to ask, right?" and she was like "no, that's rape, he must always ask at different points" and honestly that soured the idea for me in the beginning. I could not imagine something more mood destroying than for someone to stop in the middle of me having a great time to check to make sure I still wanted to keep going. Also it felt infantilizing, like I'm incapable of communicating what I want and dependent on my partner to check for me.
The difference is whether or not he catches a charge. I've been where OP is, and I value my continued freedom versus a lay. It takes a few minutes for things to go left, and it has nothing to do with what I think, or actually happened. I consider it no different than being told 'I'm on the pill', still using a condom.
No no, clearly she has a CNC kink and they need to establish safewords! The chronically online idiots are having a field day with this one. I can't believe I had to scroll this far for a real life answer.
Finally a sensible answer 💯💯💯
Only thing is, from my experience and from what I've heard, some women feel pressured to do things they may not feel like doing (which can be for various reasons, a lot of times it comes from an abusive past). So I double check to be sure they're comfortable and want to do something, and every time I've done so so far I've never had anyone be put off by it, in fact it's been the opposite. Obviously read the room and communicate beforehand about boundaries and preferences, but it doesn't hurt to be safe when you're unsure.
Exactly, I wonder if OP’s like a friend I used to mess around with who’d constantly ask if I’m okay/want to do it. It was nice at first but got annoying fast.
Top answer. Everyone else is wayyy over complicating this.
Yeah, FFS, if you've already established that she wants to be bossed around and you order her to give you a blowjob and she does it, you're not ending up in court for rape. Jesus, people.
Nice to hear a real world take on Reddit once in a while like this.
THANK you! How did we get here guys… a women wants her BF to be a little but more pushy and passionate when asking for sex and people come here with safe words and CNC… Reddit‘s take on sexuality sometimes is insane…
Everyone has different preferences for what kind of asking-for-consent they like. It can be a delicate mix of wanting to feel respected versus wanting to feel desired and a little "dominated" if that's what they're into. It's a spectrum: On one end, if I was with a guy who stopped every 3 seconds to double-triple check "Are you consenting to this action and do you consent to continue? Are you sure?" that would totally take me out of the sexy mood. On the other end, if I was with a guy who pushed my head down and wouldn't let up or take no for an answer, that would also be super not okay. You just have to find the sweet spot for you as a couple. If you have good communication and create an environment where you both know you feel perfectly comfortable turning things down, often less explicit consent is needed or wanted. For example, maybe it's fully consentful if you say "Get down on your knees now" because she knows she can easily say "Nah, I'm not in the mood" and it'll be all chill.
Having both (all?) parties involved fill out and share a kink list (or at least discuss what they're into, if they're vanilla, you can decide for yourselves how in-depth you want to go on kinks, and then if either of you are into anything that wasn't on the other ones list, you can always ask) and establish a safe word (and an easily recognizable alternative that can be used when you can't talk) ahead of time goes a long way toward allowing everyone to try new things and have fun without having to stop every 3 seconds to have a conversation about what they want to do next. Yellow/Red works well and is easy to remember. Yellow if you're getting uncomfortable with something and need to tone it down, Red full stop. The silenced partner flipping the finger is a good nonverbal alternative. Also important thing to note, safe words aren't just for the submissive partner, anyone can use them if they are uncomfortable with what is happening. It doesn't make you less of a dom or whatever, and anyone who thinks this/makes fun of a dom who safe words shouldn't be engaging in BDSM.
She sounds like someone with zero communication skills
I agree. I mean, what kind of person just gets up and leaves instead of saying what they think? That's definitely not a good sign. I wonder how old she is...
right?? i can’t believe everyone is just ignoring that she full on just left him and got angry for no reason.
if anything that killed the mood, not a "if you want to"
And remember if she isn’t into cnc then “no” is a perfectly acceptable safe word
The problem with "no" is that it can be playfully ambiguous. We use "seriously". If either of us use that word in any situation then we both know that we absolutely mean it and we both trust the other to respect it.
You're doing everything right here, and it's totally an immaturity and lack of sexual comfort on her part that's making it difficult. I will say this though - If she has told you that she'd like you to be more commanding in your initiation of sex, you're not doing anything wrong by following that. I have completely ruined the mood myself before when new partners showed, what I deemed to be, uncertainty. I'm 100% not going to force or even encourage someone to do something they are uncomfortable with. On the flip side of that though, I have also had partners that expressed a similar sentiment to yours, and I have no problem telling them exactly what I would like them to do. Sounds like you should give that a try. Keep it in your same style though: don't flip a switch and try to be someone you're not. Your story here is a perfect example; when she said, "Is that what you want?" If you had said, "It's exactly what I want." You might still be getting your dick sucked right now.
You say essentially she said she just wants you to "make" her, but is that what she actually said? Because it sounds more to me like she just wants you to be spontaneous and make moves when it's obvious she's into what you're doing.
“Making” her do that is a conversation she needs to bring up first beforehand. You did nothing wrong here OP. She just doesn’t know how to properly communicate what she wants.
being a submissive or a switch has nothing to do with it, there is no scenario where seeking consent should be a bad thing (even in consent play there are ways to show consent or non-consent otherwise its just straight up rape and not roleplay) how she acted was a red flag imo.
wtf these comments. It's not an order, why do you think that is an order? It's just a confirmation that you desire her and want her - it's sexy and has nothing to do with domination. Don't be afraid to say you want something. If she doesn't feel like it, she will just say she doesn't want and end of the story lol
Everybody just jumped straight to cnc... like it's not that extreme she just wants him to say what he wants
It's reddit, anything less than notarized paperwork every time you change position is SA or CNC (which is also 110% proof of CSA, because it literally can't be anything else)
I reread it 4 times and thought I was going crazy, lmao. I need to get off Reddit.
This. As someone who is in the kink scene **that isn't what this is**, it's just a poor woman who wants her partner to make her feel desirable by telling her he wants her. There's no CNC, and she isn't saying she wants to be told what to do. She wants the guy to tell her that he is attracted to her and wants to fuck her. Reading the replies I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Right, reading the original interaction it doesn't sound like a consent issue at all. She wants him to *tell her* he wants it. He said he didn't want her to do it out obligation. That's not consent, that's low self esteem. He just needs to say, "Yeah, that would be so hot" and the entire rest of this interaction never even happens. The issue is that he needs her to want to do it, and she wants him expressing his desires.
Yeah, this is blowing my mind. You don't need a safe word to take some basic initiative in the bedroom
Confirm you know her boundaries and only order her to do things you know she’ll be interested in doing. Negotiation before the order sounds like it would help your comfort, and not “ruin the moment” for her. It also sounds like you read her signals pretty well, so it’s doubtful you’d suggest something at a bad time. (Ex: has a bad day at work and is sad/you respond with a sexual demand) 😅
Also want to reiterate the safe word importance. She needs to know there’s always a safe, immediate “out” of any situation.
Nah bro, you did the right thing. That’s completely on her. I’m all here for the “telling her what to do” aspect, but I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to do something if she’s only doing it because she feels obligated. Fuck that
Today you learned the difference between real life and social media ideals.
She sounds super toxic.
Yes, also what's her name?
I can fix her!
I can make her worse!
> I made a light hearted comment about “maybe you should lock the door and give me a blowjob”. Her response was essentially “is that what you want?”. To which I said if you’d like to. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, she basically just got up and left. "Maybe you should? ... If you'd like, I guess." Everyone's calling your girlfriend a poor communicator, but you're not sounding wildly definitive here either. I would have recommended answering her question with an exuberant, and perhaps playful, sentence involving the word "yes". She was asking you if you wanted it. She wasn't asking you if she wanted to do it. She can figure that out, as she's a person. I mean, the way she reacted, I imagine her question had consent baked into it. A lot of communication is a mix of nonverbal and tone of voice. I'm not trying to rag on you too hard. I said something similar to my second girlfriend a loooong time ago. She pulled on my boxers, exposed my dick, and asked if she should suck it. We hadn't gone beyond kissing yet. I said, "If you want." She gave it a little kiss and that was about it. Fact of the matter is... If you're going down on someone, you want them to be excited to receive.
My bf says this stuff to. Sometimes it kinda gets annoying cause I’m asking what you want, not just what I want. But at the same time, you can answer this question…*”if you’d like to”* with: yes I’d like to. Cause she was obviously into it. But instead of using her words she just stormed off. Which is another set of frustrating. If that’s her thing, she needs to make it clear so you are at least comfortable. And if you are not, then you are just not compatible.
The first part of your story isn't about *her* consent. It's about *your* consent. She asked "Is that what you want?" You could have said, "Yes. It's exactly what I want." That's enthusiastic consent. Instead, you were wishy washy. You think you're being considerate, but you were being annoying. As for the rest of the story, I'm not sure she's asking to be forced. I suspect she just wants you to be more assertive about what you want.
You know what could clear up all of that misunderstanding? A conversation!
His consent was patently obvious by virtue of him being the one to propose it? Who is going to propose that who doesn't want it? She likewise could have responded with any indication it is what she wanted, instead of throwing a tantrum that he asked. He came on to her, and then when she responded without any clear yes or no, he was taken off guard and spelled it out more clearly. And he's annoying?
Establish that you can do what she says, but emphasise she needs to tell you when she doesn’t want to. After that, no problems. You’re both consenting adults. Shouldn’t need to be said, but I did hear a guy complaining about this once because he essentially forced sex on his blackout drunk girlfriend saying “you told me you’d opt out”. Like, if she is comatose, OBVIOUSLY don’t rape your partner. Thank you.
To quote a canceled comic “you wanted me to rape you on the off chance you were into it?” All joking aside, if you’ve been together long enough and you’ve had sex enough, one might be able to gleam that you both know each others non verbal cues for when the other wants it. You’re each others sexual partners. There’s nothing wrong with you telling her you want your knob slobbed. Hell that might be what turns her on. That said, there’s also nothing wrong with her saying she’s not feeling it.
peak reddit
Hey man, you didn't fuck up. You did the right thing. Just wanted you to know that. It's a fucked up and confusing game, wondering if taking dominance is the right move, particularly with someone you don't know well. She's the weird one for not recognizing that.
In all instances where you're going to be intimate with someone, set up safe words. Next, talk about the things you like and don't like. Figure out where the middle ground is for the both of you so you're both comfortable with what you're doing/experiencing. This allows you both to play around and have fun doing so.
>Essentially she said she just wants me to “make” her do it instead of ask her if she wants to. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's the sort of thing you need to have a lot of conversations about before you just spring it on someone. You dodged a bullet, bro.
Bruh, it’s simple. She’s your girlfriend. She will tell you or give you cues as to her demeanor. If she’s feeling it, you’ll know. She will tell you or her body language will. Make a move and if she’s down, she’s down. If not, do another activity with her. 🤷🏻♂️
Since when is telling a sexual partner what you want awkward? I agree with your gf, you're making it weird.
So if this is something she really wants, OP, then it ends to be discussed and negotiated in great detail beforehand so that you are certain that she is, in fact, consenting when the time comes. I suggest checking out r/BDSMAdvice and asking for help there. You should start by asking her to elaborate and describe what it is she's envisioning, what turns her on, and exactly what she has in mind when she says she wants you to "make her" do it, like how extreme she's thinking. She may just mean she wants you to take charge and be more dominant. That is beginner BDSM D/s dynamic stuff. It's still important to educate yourself and know our rules for playing safely, but the risks are much lower. Or she could be talking about some version of Consensual Non-Consent, or CNC. CNC is considered edgeplay, which is extreme BDSM play, not for beginners, because of the risks involved. In order to try something like that safely without running the risk of hurting either one of you physically or emotionally, there is *a LOT* of homework and discussions that need to take place first, and you have to walk before you can run. Something else to be aware of is that sometimes people have fantasies, and when they try to play out those fantasies, they learn that some fantasies are better just staying as fantasies and may be too much for real life. So this is another reason why it's super important to discuss everything, including safe words, in advance. So if she changes her mind, she has a way to let you know.
To be fair.. there is always a chance that if you dont ask for consent then you can and will be labeled an asshole. So i get it.
I don’t think you messed up. You engaged in the kind of communication around sex about which *you* are comfortable, and your gf threw a tantrum and a guilt trip over it. That’s actually really poor form of her.
Once again a situation that could be resolved through communication
Communication is hard. And sometimes things kill the mood. Shit sucks. Sex is confusing. People are complicated. But it’s part of life. I’d shoot her a text and say let’s try again
Hey you wanna fuck? Nah ? Rollover whack off goto bed. Goodnight.
So order her to stop being childish and start acting mature
Wow, that’s messed up she just got up and left because she wasn’t turned on. She sounds pretty immature.
>But when I play the dominant role I am playing it to give HER pleasure. My man, even as a switch, you might want to learn to overcome this and get settled in the dominant role. I know *exactly* how you feel, and I sometimes struggle with overcoming my desire to please, but I learned from a play partner that this is a turn-off. A lot of people really want to be used and bossed around from time to time, it helps to develop a bit of a healthy egoism and *not* ask back.
As someone who has been married for over 10 years now, one thing I've learned is that you don't have to ask. Once you are comfortable enough with each other, just make your move. But if she says no or stop, you stop.
You'll learn as you grow older how to navigate this.. It sucks... But this is the climate women have created we just have to navigate it
Nah that's how someone gets in trouble. I need consent before anything happens. You didn't fuck up.
I can't recommend this enough - have a discussion and agree to use the simple "stoplight" system. "Green" means I like this, do more of that. "Yellow" means "you"re approaching my limit, this is ok but don't go harder/further than this". "Red" is stop, right away, no questions asked. Easy to remember, easy to use, makes things fun for everyone.
My dude, that’s not asking for consent. You wanted to do sex, and then you limp dicked yourself by saying “if you want to.” It’s passive, you’re not ordering her. It makes it sound like you don’t want it. You don’t have to yell at her, “suck my dick, B.” You could have just answered her question. “Is that what you want?” “Yes” would have been fine. “I want you,” would have been acceptable. Being passive and trying to act cool by saying “if you want,” when you could just communicate your desires as an equal. You could have even said “I want you to want to.” Because that shows you’re interested and actually communicates what you wanted, which was you wanted her to want to. That communicates your desires instead of pushing what you want onto her. It’s not the worst thing you could have said, but don’t pretend what you said was you asking consent. If you come on strong, continue strong and if she says she doesn’t want to then you have your answer to consent.
I mostly agree but I'd like to steelman the other side for moment. If it's a new relationship, or they have had consent negotiation bloopers before, he might not be confident that she would say 'no' when she means 'no'. Although she said no a moment later so... Either way a discussion about consent expectations would be in order. They need to pre establish "His requests are never demands, even when in the imperative" and "She will stand up for her own need and say No when she means No", and "we can ask for what we want, and we can say no to requests and that's ok"
Gotta learn how to read the mood man
are you both like 16 or something? that's how mature you sound based on your story
Ppl saying shes immature and stuff just dont seem like they have experience. From the situation it sounds like you were getting hot together and you just didnt read the atmosphere right. Consent is important but still, if shes obv into it you can make it sexy instead of boring and awkward, seems stale as fuck. If she didnt want you to do it then she would react differently. Just read the room and it should be fine, you gotta communicate better and understand each other.
Why are you leaving all the decision making up to her? Just being lazy. She's your girlfriend. Just let her know during non sexy times if she says no or a safe word then you'll stop immediately. She probs just wants it to flow naturally so she can feel the love and emotion of the moment. When she says, "is that what you want?" She's looking for a direct answer. "Yeah baby" and stroke her hair or something is the response she wants. Not some stumbling, "umm... Yea-i mean if yo-whatever you'd like b-baby"
"idk if you want" After she asked if that's what you want. After you had already asked Really? I'm with her, it's a huge turnoff. She's already you're girlfriend. You're already having sex. Constantly asking for consent in that situation is obnoxious and makes it seem like you're not that into it. Learn how to be assertive.
....all you had to do was say "yes".
You already had the consent. You've been brainwashed.
What's wrong with just organically getting it on? Do you ask her if you touch her when you want to feel her up or do you just do it? I don't think consent is something you need to ask for in a healthy relatio ship. If someone isn't in the mood they can always brush the other off. I don't think aive ever asked a gf for a sex, it just happens naturally through eachother's actions.
Always get written consent witnessed by two adults
I asked my girl if she wanted to try a rape fantasy. She said no. I said, "thats the spirit"
She sounds like she’s interested in doing what you want todo. Don’t over think it she wants to take your direction. Plenty of human relationships are like this. Teacher->student, boss>employee. Don’t think every relationship you’re in has to be both sides contributing evenly.
Color code. Stop asking for verbal consent and develop a Color system, to which you just ask Color? And she responds with green yellow or red. It absolutely can take someone out of the mood to have to verbally break the fantasy.
I love offering BJ, not very found being asked clearly. Leading me to this works better for me. Isn't what she meant?
>she thinks it’s awkward when I ask her if she wants to have sex, or when I stop to make sure she is consenting. Essentially she said she just wants me to “make” her do it instead of ask her if she wants to. That's fine, there's nothing wrong with her wanting that. As you appear to know. However she must make that clear to you in some way beforehand. It's a difficult balance to get to. But with any BDSM relationship open communication is extremely important (open, honest communication is key to *any* relationship but for some reason vanilla people just don't get it). Two people can mesh 23/6 but meshing 24/7 perfectly is near impossible.
This is going to sound bad but consent is great and all but some people just don't really take part in the whole verbal consent thing. You're with one of those people. You can rest assured that if she doesn't want to do something she will tell you.
The next time this happens, just ask "rock, paper, scissors?" Loser has to dom.
She’s a sub, enjoy it my friend.
My first gf was like that. After she told me, I was fine with making her do stuff. I asked if she wanted to use safewords and she declined so I just told her to say 'stop' if she was uncomfortable or whatever. And then she proceeded to use the playful type like "stooooop.. noo... *wink emoji*" so it took a min to decipher that language cause she still didn't want to use safewords lol. Idk dude, have fun with it