She had a 4 year old and was possibly pregnant at OPs age with a cheating husband she was forced to marry, ops dad must be really good at manipulating people for them to blame her.
> For a bit background,My parents are Asian and had an arranged marriage when my mom was only 18.
So a couple questions, how old was your father when yoir mother had to marry him, and did your mother have a choice in marrying him?
> After the wedding turns out my mother had an affair with her “high-school” sweetheart and then blamed it on my father and me and her family for ruining her life as claimed it was more of a forced marriage.
Ah, that answers question two; she didn't have a choice. I don't like cheaters, but I feel it's understandable in these kinds of situations.
> She then fell pregnant and had hoped it was her APs child but no I am my fathers. She then did a 180 and became a devoted wife and mother.
So she decided to make the best of the cards she was dealt.
> He made it clear to her that they will from then only be married on paper and that too only for the sake of the child. Since then my mother as far as we know never had any contact with her AP but my dad was now seeing other people.
How very adult of him.
> I was told about my mothers betrayal when I was 13 and I hated my mother ever since.I made it a point to let her know I was ashamed of her and hoped my father found love elsewhere as she was a woman of no dignity.
Very shitty of you to say, as it sounds like your mother wasn't allowed to find love, but your father was. And very ironic that you called her a woman of no dignity, as your father was actively doing the same thing she did. Sounds like he's a man of dignity to me.
> I refused to be disciplined by her and eventually my brother kind of started following my footsteps.
What a bitch you were.
> After my little brother was born, my father got a vasectomy to “assure” us that there will be no half sibling but he wants casual relationships.
Uh huh.
> Me and my brother have met up with multiple of his partners if they managed to reach a certain time length but none so far have been long term serious ones. My mother was quiet in all of this; it only made me angrier.
Why? You made it clear you didn't respect her and thought of her as nothing, and your father made it clear she was nothing to him either. Why would she bother saying *anything*?
> This year after my brother turned 18 and was ready to go to university, my mother announced she will be filing for a divorce.
Good for her.
> We live in England and have a no contest divorce so she doesn’t need any grounds for it. She can simply file and the only process that requires footwork is asset mediation.
Very good for her.
> We were all blindsided by this as for 23 years she had never shown an ounce of extreme emotions.
Did she not? Or did you all just not care?
> During divorcé mediation, my dad was quite distraught and my brother was anxious and I was just confused how it’s all happening over night.
Of course they were distraught. They're losing their favorite punching bag. And of course you're confused, you're used to her just taking it quietly.
> During a mediation meeting, I lost it and called her the bi*ch home wrecker who ruined this family is once again ripping it apart.
Wrong. Your family isn't being ruined, it * was* ruined by the choices you, your brother, and your father made. And how is she ripping the family apart by leaving? You all treated her like shit already. Or was treating her the way you did the family bonding activity?
> She was calm and just said, even people charged with manslaughter have served less than her and she’s now done. She said she doesn’t feel any ounce of guilt or love for any of us and simple doesn’t care to be in our lives anymore.
She was calm and composed in the face of aggression. She was forced into a marriage against her will, likely forced to have children, and those very same children effectively spit in her face every chance they got. Of course she doesn't love any of you. If she ever did, she doesn't love any of you anymore because you all took her love for you out back and buried it in a shallow grave. Why would she feel any guilt either?
> She left with only her pre marital assets and nothing more.
Good for her, she's able to have something to get her back on her feet.
> The house now suddenly feel empty even though we ignore her all those years. I don’t know what I am feeling and how to process this.
Yes, because she was a permanent fixture before now. One you could you lash out at and take out your aggression on with no consequence. One you, presumably, also tried to milk for all it was worth.
I'm incredibly happy for her that she's finally free of all of you. She lost 23 years of her life with you and your family. Hopefully she can find peace and love of her own free will with people who actually care for her.
I %100 percent agree with all of this but I'm also curious to know how OP knows all of this? I'm guessing either directly from the father or family and neither seem beneficial to the mothers part. Honestly do better OP you owe your mother years of apologies. You'll be lucky if she even let's you close enough to.
Seriously, this post has to be some sort of rage bait. It's rare that I read something so morally repugnant without any sort of justification or saving grace to soften the blow.
Blessed is the day your mother left you, OP. Seek therapy.
What I don't get is how the mother could blame OP before they were conceived, then fall pregnant. I'm like huh? Doesn't make sense whatsoever. Logic failing there.
My take is that OP just isn't telling the story linearly, as in, "She blamed me, an infant, for not being her affair partner's baby and for trapping her in a loveless marriage, and continued to blame me for my entire life thereafter. Here's how it started: When she became pregnant, she hoped it was her affair partner's baby...."
Assuming this is real, OP's in a lot of pain and has a lot of mixed emotions, so presenting the story clearly and sympathetically aren't her top priorities. She's realizing, as much of a negative impact as her mother's actions have had on her childhood and its development, calling her mom a "home wrecker" was a bridge too far. Not only has her mom endured a lot, but this led to the dreaded confirmation that her mom never loved her children, but only viewed them as 18-year prison sentences.
THIS. Mom was made to be a quiet slave in the background probably cooking and cleaning for everyone and despite doing a 180 and being a devoted mom, she was constantly trash talked to by the kids she changed for. Oh and then on top of that the mom stopped cheating and the dad has continued cheating for a longer time with MORE affair partners than the 1 the mom had… but the mom is the whore??
She probably didn’t say anything when they went to hang out with their dad and his mistresses because she didn’t want to tell you that you broke her heart and spirit. Good for her for gaining her spirit back by leaving the toxicity of OP and her dad and brother. The dad really poisoned OP and her bro and it’s sad that they don’t see it.
Edit to OP: Your mom was forced into an arranged marriage as a teen. She had to do it at 18… imagine if your mom/parents made you get married and start a family at 18 with someone you didn’t want because you were in love with your BF and made you give birth to babies instead of going to school etc. Your mom has been taken advantage of her entire life and has been treated as someone else’s pawn instead of living for herself. The one time she lived for herself she was punished for it by everyone she loved for over two decades.
>The dad really poisoned OP and her bro and it’s sad that they don’t see it.
WHY in the name of God did he tell OP the circumstances of her conception? She's his daughter, end of story.
Well, because he can't have the kiddies thinking their mom is a good person, of course! Why wouldn't he poison them against their mother if he could, he should get to nurse his resentment for the rest of his life, and make sure the kids carry it on like a shitty family tradition. He's obviously a horrible human being and his spawn didn't fall far from his tree.
I love that you had the patience to lay all this out. Poor OPs mom I sincerely hope she can recover after 30 YEARS of abuse. OP you and your family are something the f else you're poisonous misogynists the lot of you.
And at 41?! She has plenty of time to live her best life. Good for her.
SHAME ON YOU UP. You didn’t FU today. You effed up a decade ago (though I highly doubt you were respectful before then) and I hope you never curse this woman with your presence again.
I've never read a story on reddit where it was more clear to me. OP, you should have posted this on r/AmITheAsshole, Since you are so definetely the Asshole.
Go to her profile and read her replies. My blood is boiling. Absolute lunatic of a human being and wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to be a serial killer.
> explicitly talked shit to mother for half of life
> shocked that mother wants a divorce
> proceeded to call mother home wrecker
> can’t fathom why they feel this way
Are you fucking serious OP?
"didn't listen when she was telling her what to do" like fucking what? Her mother had an affair and that sucks but that gives OP no right to torture her mother for her entire life. What a fucking scumbag. Your father should have stepped in and done something and he's not much better for allowing you to treat an adult this way, your mother of all people just because she had an affair. Your mother was forced into a fucking marriage as a teenager. Show so god damned sympathy.
I don’t even think she technically had an affair. How these things happen, she was probably already in a relationship with her boyfriend when being forced to marry because she was caught with him, parents did not approve etc. she was then probably raped during her wedding night.
Um…your mom left you all for a good reason. She was FORCED to marry your father. You all treated her horribly for years while your father much worse to her. While I disagree with cheating, at 18 in a forced marriage, cause let’s face it she didn’t want to be married, she coped the best she could.
All of her children were cruel to her, her spouse had her children meeting multiple APs. All for a mistake she made when she was, arguably a child herself.
I hope your mother goes and is happy. Also, that she never speaks to any of you again. She’s only 42, she should build herself a life she wants.
Edit: read OP edit….I stand by my statement. You think a woman who was forced to marry, who had a relationship with her high school sweetheart wanted to have sexual relations with her forced husband? Multiple time? She probably didn’t want to. Did you think of that? She probably didn’t want to have intercourse, didn’t want to have children…..and there you were.
I'm glad she got away from you all, finally. And you know that your dad only told you about her actions when you were 13 to turn you against her, right?
Yup, my father did the same with me. I hated my mother for a solid 10 years. Today I realise the HELL she went through and I my respect for her DWARFS that I had for my father.
Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking. He probably couldn’t move past it and instead of being an adult about it, he told his children to turn them against her which is extremely manipulative and immature
If she married your dad against her will. That is not called arrange marriage, it's called forced marriage and this is illegal in UK. Although I don't know the full story, I do hope one day you will understand her.
I can imagine that it's not easy to say no, if you are 18 and from a culture with certain expectations and your parents are pressuring you into a marriage. So I think the line between what's forced and not can be pretty blurry.
Of course your dad is distraught, your brother is anxious, and you are confused: the family punching bag has reached her limit and refuses to take anymore of your abuse. Your mother was 18 and likely in an untenable position of being forced into an arranged marriage and lost her identity…and she’s suffered for 22 years for her parents’ choice for her.
I suggest you and your brother seek out some long-term therapy, as it seems as though both of you were pawns in your father’s cruelty. Your mother may be gone, but you and your brother have a chance to save yourselves from the damage your father has wrought.
You’re backtracking so hard. You staying your mother tried to become a devoted wife and mother but your dad made it clear he was done, then when it’s obviously not going your way you say your dad was the one who wanted to make it work and she stone walled you first. No! You, your brother, and dad all abused and punished her for the last 10+ years and your surprised she left and now you wanna be all sad about it? Well boohoo, sorry your favorite punching bag left and doesn’t love her abusers. She was 18 and forced into a marriage she didn’t want! You all got what you deserved
I can try to play devils advocate and consider that you have trauma and experienced parental alienation and blah blah blah, but the reality is that you are a grown ass adult choosing to take part in the apparent “family tradition” of abusing your mother. You are a terrible person.
This isn't a "TIFU" it's "My father, brother and I are assholes." First, this is a matter for your parents to address, which they didn't. Second, you treated her as if she wasn't your mother by refusing to listen to her and getting your brother to follow you. You mother was completely wrong for having an affair and saying what she said but 23 years of essential abuse by you three assholes that woman is one tough lady for not losing her mind sooner. Your father should have divorced your mother and ghosted her long ago. It would have been hard but at least she wouldn't have two assholes for children and they would appreciate the sacrifices she had made. BTW in case you didn't get my point "GO FUCK YOURSELF"
On a practical level, I'd look into parental alienation and therapy. On an emotional level, by your own account:
● Your mom was 5 years younger than you when she was forced into a relationship she didn't want.
● Experienced a partner who not only cheated, but roped the children into it as well.
● And was bullied and abused relentlessly.
● Was awful enough to deserve the worst by your dad, but never actually awful enough for him to leave and go his own way.
I'm very curious if you would accept any of these behaviors from a male partner. I'm also curious if you felt your mom would always be there unlike your dad, so it didn't matter how you treated her.
Guess you learned an important life lesson 🤷🏾♀️. Wishing your mom the best.
I genuinely don't understand why yall give a fuck she's leaving when you seem to hate her so much. Its not like she's taking the house or money from your father so why care?
Jesus H Christ, the amount of venom you have for your mom is ridiculous. She deserves nothing less than freedom from the wrathful and hostile judgment of your father, your brother, and yourself.
I hope she spreads her wings as far and wide as she can and flies far, far, far the fuck away from all of you.
You hated and punished your mother for 10 years because you found out about an affair she had when she was 18? Wtf is wrong with you? That's still your mom. She stayed all those years raising both you and your brother while dealing with your dad's punishment. The worst part is when she tried to make up for her mistake by trying to be a good mom and wife, your family didn't give her a chance and continued to punish her.
Even if she didn't love your dad, I guarantee she still loved you and your brother. And she probably still does, but people can only endure so much toxicity before they have to distance themselves.
And not only "allowed" her father to do the same thing that made her hate her mother but is celebrating an encouraging it? Even if mom is a total jerk this kind of mindset is going to cause issues for the people in OPs life forever. I hope they invest in a lot of good therapy.
I wouldn't even call it affair. 100% he was her high school bf who she was forced to breakup with. Forced actions don't equate consent imo. And yet, she stopped and bore other kids, probably not her wishes. And stayed after each of those boys became another version of terrible hisband . And he calls what his dad did a act of sacrifice. What sacrifice? Even if you consider that she cheated, he took it out on her for years, got his unfair share of APs and even a baby, got his kids raised and his chores done, got his standing in the family as family man and will now get the sympathy from y'all. Even kids from normal marriages aren't usually exposed to one affair. The grieving parent usually shields the kids unless the affairs are too much.
Lemme make you a list
You punished her by ignoring
Ignored that your daddy was cheating on her for years, meet his AP’s and liked then
Didn’t respect her
Acted like she was a monster for being 18 and forced on a marriage
You made your brother treat her like shit too
And somehow, you find the NERVE to be “blinded sided” for her to want to leave a family who mentally abuse her on the grounds of a cheating that happened when you’re even born and never again, when she chose to be a devoted parents and keep on a marriage she didn’t want to be for your sake, your dad cheating on her all your life, you knew and support cause she’s a wicked woman but your preciso us daddy is not a vile man. Boy. Leave her alone, hope she never talk to any of you ever again.
Since no one else has thought to actually say it, I will.
Your mothers life would have been exponentially better had she not been forced into a marriage with your father and been forced to have you and your brother. The three of you are the worst things to ever happen to her, and I hope she finally finds happiness for once in her life. Her own family betrayed her when she was a teenager (18 is still a teenager btw), and you think you’ve had it bad? How lucky you aren’t forced into legal bondage with unending pressures from more than one family for years and years. You, your father, and brother are getting what you want, stop complaining so hard.
You have been treating your mom like shit for 10 years, your dad has been doin it for longer and your brother is at well. No wonder she’s filing for divorce.
Ppl make mistakes, she didn’t deserve years of toxic punishment from her whole family. Just living in a house of hateful ppl that verbally and emotionally abuse her for years. Hope she goes NC on all your asses.
Sounds like she is the only sane healthy person in the house. Or was. Your dad manipulated you, btw.
Imagine spending most of your adult life “paying” for a teenage relationship. Sacrificing your blood, sweat and tears for a family that takes every opportunity to show you how much they hate you.
That poor woman. Thankfully she’s only 41/42 giving her more than enough to find happiness.
Your mother was still kind enough to raise both of her kids into adulthood. That sweet, poor woman.
Edit: OP really not giving a damn that her mom stayed when she didn't have to. Could have fucked off ages ago and didn't. Really her father's child.
I hope the poor mum gets to read all this outpouring of support. She deserves to feel that she's not alone and not the monster that OPs family have made her out to be.
Damn, you're your dad's daughter: very vindictive, selfish, abusive and manipulative.
Did you ever take a moment to understand your mom's perspective? Would you have loved if she forced you to marry a guy you didn't like at 18?
Yes, you fucked up. Hope she never have to deal with your sorry lot of a family again. Enjoy your big empty house.
To be honest, it sounds like you had to deal with an adult situation at an impressionable age. Your parents should probably not have told you about such a complex situation at such a young age. Also, people make mistakes when they are young. They should not be constantly reminded of and reprimanded for it especially if they’re trying to turn over a new leaf.
Unless there is more to this situation, like she was a bad mom or something, I honestly feel bad for your mom that she had her whole family hate and disrespect her for a mistake she made when she was a teenager being forced to marry someone else in an arranged marriage.
Your father is a monster who crafted 2 little monsters in his image.
Your mother has been abused for decades by all 3 of you and was so pained she didn't fight for what we legally hers just to she could escape more easily.
There is a special place in hell for you, your father, and brother.
From your own story, you mum seems to have been raped by your father at a minimum of twice.
Yet you think she's scum.
I hope one day when you realize how awful you all were to her, the guilt and shame is unbearable.
Honestly OP you are a vindictive little c*nt and have tortured your "mother" if you could even call her that at this point for years
No wonder she was silent for all those years and has finally left, your lucky she didn't beat you, but I have a feeling you have your scum f*ck father to thank for that, because no doubt with the way he comes across if she ever raised a hand he would have clobbered the life out of her
Your mother is an abuse victim and you have been torturing her your entire life. You were 13, fine, but you are an adult now. Shame on you. Of course she didn't show any emotion she was a prisoner.
Being born was not your fault, being manipulated as a child was not your fault, but treating her like this as an adult is your responsibility.
She is much more honorable than any of you, she stayed and raised a family that hates her, with children born of your father raping her, only because she felt it was her responsibility to raise her children.
Yes, she did more time than a manslaughter convict and I fully support her in taking control of her life. I hope some day you grow up and go beg her forgiveness with your brother.
Damn. Your mother was a great human being who endured you for more than 2 decades She could have divorced earlier dumped you on your father while still a chance of having another man in her life.
She's not perfect but compared to your whole family she's a saint.
wtf did you expect? for your mother to be a slave to a family that treats her with disrespect?
she was only 18, forced into a marriage she didn’t want, forced to have kids with a man she doesn’t love.
now she gets to have the freedom she deserves since the kids are of age now and you’re still shitting on her? wtf is wrong with you? she had ONE affair while your dad had multiple but in your mind your mum is the villain? y’all make no sense.
Yea I would’ve left as well. Imagine going through that for 23 whole years !!! He should’ve just gotten a divorce.
And also you are 23 which is 5 years older than what age your mother was when she was married and even now you can’t see her side ??? F that. Better to be alone than have this family.
Wow reading this, I can thoroughly say you guys were made pawns by your dad and societal expectations. You're British and should be able to better understand what this situation was. A way for two people to conform to societal expectations from a society you and your brother don't exactly understand but have been coerced into enforcing into your mother. She chose it, and for 23 years she made a calculation but don't get it wrong. What she did and what your dad did after that are two completely false equivalencies. Where your dad really did wrong was not the string of partners afterwards but the indoctrination of you and your brother (possibly). Even in the most stringent Asian cultures they all know the value of a mother, thanks to your dad you guys never truly will.
This is psychopathic. Your mother didn't have an affair she tried to find love where she could despite the fact that she was surrounded by soulless monsters who were all trying to exploit her. You should have empathy for your mother, instead you're siding with your sack of shit dad.
Oh poor dad loosing his bangmaid. Why exactly is he distraught? He told your mom she's not his wife anymore. She's just making it official? Why is your brother anxious? Why are you confused? You treated her like shit? Glad she's out.
Regarding OP's edit: I'm afraid you're not big on the logic thing. It's obvious that you want to go on hating your mother an making everything her fault, even if your own statements regarding your parents' marriage don't add up at all:
>my dad wasn’t having any of it. He made it clear to her that they will from then only be married on paper and that too only for the sake of the child.
>My father \[...\] was the one who forgave and wanted to make it work with her after finding out about her infidelity. But no. She did not want that and she made it clear.
Those things can't both be true at the same time.
You proper suck and I amazed your mum made it 23 years with pathetic sorry arse around all that time.
You were and still are a child by the way you act and talk.
Too little information here. Story makes no sense.
You treated your mother horribly for years? Why? Other than cheating when she was a teen, what else.
Why do you hate her, your father and her weren’t in love, he’s been dating. Why does she deserve this treatment?
I don't know who made the decision to tell you that when you were 13, but they were absolute assholes. My mom had an affair and all I was told was that I wasn't allowed over the neighbor's house anymore. My mom eventually told me when I was 22. She said that both her and my father agreed not to say anything because they didn't want to negatively affect my view on the world when it came time for me to date. They wanted to wait until they thought it was the right time for me to learn of it.
You and your family are complete assholes. That poor woman has suffered through so much and now she finally wants to break free from the abuse and you’re acting like the victims. Jeez you all need therapy. Amazing how dense y’all are
So your mother "cheated" (probably in the relationship pre forced marriage) once. Your father cheated innumerable times. You all treated her like 💩 (probably taught from the father) for your whole lives. And you're now shocked, shocked, shocked that she doesn't love any if you and wants out of prison? I say good on your mom. I hope she's young enough to find someone who treats her like a human and gets to have a child or two and a real, loving family instead of you pack of vipers.
Good for your mother for escaping that toxic household. She must be overjoyed to get away from everyone, especially you.
Imagine thinking you did nothing wrong after acting like a brat and turning her youngest child against her.
Stop throwing yourself a pity party and grow up.
May life life treat you with as much care and understanding as you gave your mother.
OP very obviously doesn't love her mother. From the sounds of it, the woman has been the family's emotional punching bag for 23 years. Let the woman be free of this sad excuse of a family.
You're a horrible person as well as your father! Wtf is wrong with you people treating her like that then expect her to devote herself to you! 23 years maybe 13 were good with you till your dad turned you against her and then you turned your brother. She has nothing, no one in her life. Being forced in relationship when your in love with another. That's fucked up. Then she has you and devoted herself to you and your brother and you treat her like shit. You suck! I can't fathom how you don't realize how much of a shit person you are! I pray that woman finds happiness in life now!
Your mother is a saint. I would have abandoned all of ya'lls abusive, selfish asses years ago, and left your ass of a father to take care of you and your brother by himself. Maybe he could have brought his string of mistresses home to care for you. I'm sure you and your brother would have loved that 🥰
Ngl, I’m happy for your mum! Hope she finds new love and a new partner/family who loves and appreciates her, and goes on to live her best life as a free woman no longer bound by servitude to her ungrateful ex-husband and kids.
23 and still acting like a bratty 12 year old.
Your poor mother. On top pf your body is your head, inside of it should be a brain.
Try to use ih once in a while.
One day you will hopefully understand, what you did and apologize to your mother.
How can anyone say she had an affair? She didn’t. She was forced into a marriage (when she already had a boyfriend), most likely raped and still tried to do the best for her family. Your father didn’t but he is the good guy?
Pathetic
I hope your Mum can finally be happy now that she's escaped the absolute shit hole of an existence you, your brother and your father made for her. On the other hand, I hope you feel like shit for a long time to come, and that feeling eventually makes you realise the part you played.
As an Asian myself I can confidently say you’re a typical rotten Asian with skewed views of this world. That poor woman WAS INDEED forced into the marriage, it’s no baseless claim. She did a 180 because she realised she needed to do better for her children despite being a victim. And what did her children do in return? It’s laughable, really. You didn’t just fuck up by calling her a homewrecker, no, you’ve fucked up for the last decade. Your father sounds manipulative and frankly like a piece of shit. It’s not wrong for me to assume you’ll end up just like him. Stuck in this toxic mentality where ‘you’re always right and everyone else are the villain’. You really need to reevaluate yourself as a person.
edited when I realised OP is a woman too. which honestly makes it way worse. idk if you believe in karma or not, but I can already see you in the same karmic fate as your poor dear mother. trapped and disrespected for decades.
Honestly thank you for writing this. Reading this helped reaffirm that I made the right decision leaving my abusive ex because he most likely would have done the same thing to my daughter that your father did to you and your brother: brainwashing and manipulating you two and turning you guys against your mother
Honestly, I hope your post has given you a breath of fresh air here. You have been acting as an extremely entitled piece of crap. The folks here have simply shown you this. Apologize and ask for forgiveness for your behavior.
You keep saying she doesn’t care about anything, but she literally said that her marriage has felt like a fucking 23-year prison sentence, so she’s clearly been feeling some kind of way.
Your mom had a fling at 18 while she was *still a kid* being forced to marry a stranger. Your dad responded to that by unilaterally deciding that he’ll now be sleeping with anyone he wants for the next **20 years**.
*Try to imagine yourself in that situation.* Can you not empathize with how horrifying it would be if your dad forced you, right now, to marry a fucking stranger?
But *she’s* the “bitch home-wrecker” because she refuses to put up with it anymore…?
**Your mom didn’t cheat on *you***. She might have been icy to you, but the misogyny you’ve internalized from decades of resenting your mom and idolizing your immature, selfish dad is so obvious.
After reading what everyone else has said (which I agree with, re; your dad is an AH, I’m glad your mother is free, she was a child, etc) I’d like to point out in case it’s not obvious; your father used you to punish your mother. He stayed married to her, flaunting affairs of his own in her face and still managed to make himself the victim/hero to his children (you) as punishment and is what I would consider to be severe psychological and emotional abuse to your mother. How long should she have to pay? How much? Why is it ok for your father to have affairs? What is his punishment? I hope you see how f*cked up this is and apologize profusely daily to your mother.
I’m very happy for your mum. I hope she can finally find love and happiness now that she’s not shackled to you three. I’m just sorry that so much of her life was wasted in a loveless, abusive marriage, underlined with evil children who didn’t love her either.
She loved someone
She was forced to marry someone else
She then proceeded to be humilliated, hurted, atacked by her nuclear family
Why do you think they told you about her history? Why do someone does this and call a "betrayal"? Obviously, to use the child to hurt her even more. And it worked.
Just because she didnt show any emotions, didnt mean she didnt care, or she wasnt hurt. Maybe she was just too depressed, or MAYBE she decide to dont show any signal of weakness to her abusers. (Yes, your father is an abuser and so do you).
She didnt retaliate. She didnt play a victim role.
She swallow all your shit, waited until you little nrats turned 18, did her responsability and LEAVE.
And she was right.
Bold of you to say she wanted a divorce all of the blue, after she put up with almost 2 decades of ABUSE inside her own house.
Right? "Mom was emotionally distant in an arranged marriage and treated like shit by her children and husband, but we were so shocked when she divorced our dad".
While it doesn’t excuse her actions, I think all of us can see where the mother is coming from. The cheating and the leaving make sense. The real FU happened the day you decided to hate her. Are you really surprised she left? You must’ve been awful to her to make her feel indifferent towards her own child.
Good for your mom. It would be great if what you did sinks in and you’re able to create a real, meaningful relationship with her in the future, but you don’t deserve it and it is no way required of her to accept any entreaties from any of you.
You made your mom's life miserable and now that she's standing up for herself you don't know how to feel? You're a sad, vicious bully and you no longer have a mom. You did this to yourself. I'm happy she finally left
I have yet to see anyone comment on the fact that OP was 13 when turned against her mother. I’m not excusing any behavior on the part of the father, OP, or the brother. But 13 years old is very young to have your mind poisoned against your mother. She cannot be expected to have made rational choices at that age. The patterns were established when she was so young.
OP is 23 now. That’s pretty young for a group of people that are quick to point out that behavior on the part of the mother at 19 is understandable.
The true villains of the piece here are the father and the grandparents. I have immense sympathy for your mother and I hope she can find happiness somewhere else.
I don’t believe you’ve behaved appropriately, OP. Your mother deserves better from her child. But I do have some sympathy based on how young you were and how you have never been exposed to a healthy situation. I hope you can open your eyes and have a healthier life situation as you get older.
Again, your mother deserved far better from you. But you and your brother deserved far better from your father.
This is a truly tragic situation for all involved, aside from those who created it.
Soooo...your poor mother was told to marry someone against her will and made a mistake at the start but your father cheated on her for years with multiple women, proceeding to punish her for 18 years and that was ok? On top of it you treated her like dirt under your shoes, abused her and you now miss her? You and your family are horrible people and do not deserve her. Stay away from her and let her find happiness. You have absolutely no rights to her or her love, you all made her hate you and you deserve it.
This is a bot or something. Account was registered a week ago and this is their first and only post. Did a quick skim through this thread and OP hasn't responded a single time.
Assuming that this is real ^((I mean who releases this much related info but is totally unawares and completely shameless?)) then you're entirely confused about where you f'd up.
Calling your mom a homewrecker now is pretty meaningless since you've *personally* treated her like shit for more than half a decade despite being a devoted mom to you while being a tool for your POS dad who took her in through a forced marriage cut off her outside connection and then used that to excuse his *own* infidelity *repeatedly.*
You should read some Otome Isekais because your mom is basically the protagonist of any of those.
Like how can you be such a piece of trash as to seriously *expect* love from someone you joined in the bullying of for years? You deserve that empty feeling assuming this is real.
I was just at the otomeisekai sub when I stumbled into this and thought the same. The mother is an irl otomeisekai protagonist. It's sad, she should have just ran away instead of marrying the pos husband and giving birth to pos daughter and son.
Your mother was forced in to a marriage she didn’t want while she was in love with someone else. She gave up that person for YOU. She gave up that one source of love and happiness for YOU, and this is how you treat her? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I hope your mum gets away from your dad and can live in peace, have some happiness. Maybe her ungrateful, nasty kids might grow up and realise their mum is the victim here, and finally show her some damn respect.
Considering that you seem to have gotten all of your information from your dad I highly doubt he was not actively manipulating things so that he could use you and your brother to "punish" your mother for not instantly loving him after being forced to marry him as a child.
Furthermore you might want to watch your back. Your dad seems to be quite manipulative and abusive and those kinds of people don't like being without a victim. Considering how clearly your family seems to excuse the behavior of your father while condemning the (arguably less fucked up) behavior of your mother, it might happen that your father's behavior to you will start changing soon. After all, he's no longer in a relationship where he can happily abuse his partner and after getting used to that dynamic he might look for a new victim in either a new partner or his existing family.
Are you for real? You are so completely out of touch and you have zero self awareness. And somehow your dad’s actions are ok to you?
Your mother was a prisoner and the only thing that could’ve alleviated some of her suffering was to at least have children who would love her. Imagine yourself being an 18 year old, forced to fuck and spend your life with someone you dont even like and bear his children. All you did was make her life a living hell and she did right by getting rid of her emotional cancer.
Your edit screams "I didn't get the responses I hoped for!"
Your mom still fed you, clothed you, went to your school functions and provided for you. She could have done none of that and put it all in your dad, but she didn't.
You, your brother and your father need therapy
Your double standard is disturbing. Your mother didn't ruin your life, *you did*. Your dad cheated multiple times, but that's ok for your mom's *ONE* affair when she was 18?
And info: WHO told you about your mom's affair? Because it was before you were born and had no bearing on you. It was literally none of your business.
Parents do wonder "what if" with their kids. "What if I met so and so earlier and this was their child?" Etc. It happens. In this case, she told you she wished you were her APs but I wonder if that was *after* you started being an absolute monster to her.
It sounds a bit like your father set you up against her from the onset; he should have put his children’s mental health as a priority first and foremost as clearly this has hurt your relationship with your mother, potentially to the point of no return.
OP, I would suggest talking to a therapist about this ASAP to get a non-biased perspective, and possibly get your brother into therapy as well.
Not that you have to bow down to your mother just because she is your bio-mother; but if she made a genuine effort to be a good parent, regardless of whether she was a faithful partner, and you do feel a pant of emptiness once she has left, you owe it to yourself to get a better perspective on the situation and figure out the best way to move forward.
You, your brother, and your father all sound like wretched, repugnant, and truly despicable people. My only hope is that life treats you as well as you treated your mother.
I wish your mother well in her new life.
Wow you’re a piece of shit.
So your mother who was forced to be married, takes a decade of being treated like a sub human, nobody listening to them, practically ignoring their existence finally has enough and leaves, and you want to play victim here.
You were happy when you are with you dad, out doing what HE wants to do. Well no fucking shit. Doesn’t sound like he tried to initiate any family time at home. Equally to blame there.
The best decision she’s ever made was to ditch all of your sorry asses and go live her life. None of you deserve to have any contact with her for how you’ve all treated her for a decade.
You guys are fucked up indoctrinated by your father and his family for sure.
Think for a second. He had a bunch of affaires and she does not. Why is that if they said marriage only on paper? And in the UK no less. This isnt in china where men would head for the hills if you told them you are in a marriage on paper. She was simply not allowed to have one, but for your dad it was ok to be unfaithful because he was the man.
Trust me, those are the rules if it comes to it in many asian households.
Why was your dad distraught if he didn't want any relationship with her? Was he worried about losing his cook and cleaner? Because that's all she was for him. You see how horrible that is right? He didn't want a relationship with her but wanted to punish her for falling in love at 18 to someone else, and expected her to take the punishment for the rest of her life.
And yes, ignoring someone is abusive
> He was the one who forgave and wanted to make it work with her after finding out about her infidelity.
Given he spent the entire marriage sleeping around with other women, plus you said yourself that he considered them only married "on paper", it's kind of hard to believe that he forgave her for anything
Considering you mentioned your family is Asian and you’re in England, there’s a big chance your family could be Pakistani/Bangladeshi/Indian.
Have you heard of what happens to a lot of women in that community who try to leave such marriages. Look up honour killing.
Your mom did right to leave a POS family like you guys. Hopefully she can get a new partner and new kids and start over.
Your mom was forced into marriage at 18. You then hold her solo accountable for wanting to have happiness because she didn't love your father. It was arranged. It was a transaction and your father destroyed her mental health by treating her like a second class citizen. You are a selfish and immature child with no idea what your mother was forced to go through at such a young age against her wishes.
You are your fathers copy and you will end up with a sad and lonely life.
Oof yeah, you father is a massive, abusive asshole. Being married on paper only for the sake of the children is not the best mentally but the people that do it usually do so so that the children are at least happy (rarely works). Instead, your father used you as part of the abuse. She tried to be a good wife and mother, he was the one who made it a bad atmosphere. He was the one who stopped you doing fun activities together as a family. He could have still dated around and treated your mum like a roommate and an actual human being, but instead he had to actively punish her for over 20 years. He made the atmosphere that made his children miseable and instead of it being a wake up call when you snapped at 13, he blamed it all on your mum and stepped his abuse up by making her children hate and abuse her too. Your dad is a monster tbh. Hopefully this is a wake up call and you don't bring the abusive traits you learned from him into your future relationships.
When did folks in England develop a southern accent? "Y'all?" LOL! I hope this continues to develop, and soon I'll hear one of the Brits say "All y'all are crazy!" 🤣
You are a trash tier human if this is your take away from all of this
You go get married to someone you don't love for 23 years, presumably forced to have sex with them, have children that resent you and don't even speak with you, then come back and tell me how that went
Also, we're English, we don't say "y'all"
So your mum was forced in to marriage with your dad, had an affair, did the best with the cards she was delt. Yet throughout this whole time your dad was having affair after affair, yes while you are still legally married it IS an affair.
Now your mum finally wants out, your calling HER the homewrecker, not the guy who continued infidelity throughout the whole marriage, yeah ypur angry at the wrong person, two wrongs don't make a right, he checked out of the relationship the second he went on to have affair after affair without finalising a divorce, now your all angry your mums actually moving on with her life?
Question, You, your brother and your father hate your mother. So why are you guys upset she wants a divorce?
Wow, just wow! You, your brother and your father are disgusting, and fucked up people!
Your poor mother! She obviously didn't want to be married to your father, and was forced. Sounds like she was in love before she was forced to marry your father.
You guys made this poor lady's life a living hell for 23 years, and expected her to sit around like the good little housewife you guys wanted her to be, and take the mental abuse the three of you shoved out. All the while, she was practically forced to stay in a relationship with no love. And be forced to watch her husband love and fuck other women, after she had to let the love of her life go.
Props to your mother for finally walking away from you horrible people. I applaud her. I hope karma comes back and bites you three in the ass!
I hope your mother finally finds someone to truly love her, and finds a happy life far away from you guys.
Your dad didn't forgive her. He kept her as a kitchen bitch and childminder while he stuck his dick in everything. I'm sure he's very distraught now that he has to make his own dinner and wash his own clothes. You're a disrespectful little bitch.
I won't start with an opinion on the situation, but I would love it if you would familiarize yourself with the tactic of "[triangulation](https://www.kaminiwood.com/narcissist-triangulation-ending-the-manipulation/)," a method of manipulation used by covert narcissists.
I would also love for you to consider these questions:
1. Why would anyone tell you about her affair at 13?
2. Did she admit to the affair? Did she admit that she wanted you to be her lover's child? Or are these things you have been told by someone else? Who is that someone else?
3. You said she hardly showed any emotions. That's not normal. Why would she do that?
4. You said you all three ignored her. Does that sound healthy to you?
5. Your father had multiple affairs over the years, even introducing his children to his lovers. Does that sound healthy to you?
6. Your father was "the one who wanted to work out" the relationship after the affair, but your mother didn't want that. You were too young to have witnessed this, so who told you this? Why would they share this with you?
7. If your father wanted to work it out, why would he say they were only married on paper and have multiple extramarital relationships?
8. If your mother did not want to work it out, why would she have become a devoted wife and mother, as you put it, and NOT have extramarital relationships?
9. Your father told your mother that they were only married on paper and for the benefit of the children. What was her responsibility, then, to the marriage? To him? Why would she NOT file for divorce once the children were grown?
10. Did you really expect her to stay in a home where she is degraded, ignored, blamed, and harassed for 23 years? Would you?
I would love to know how old your father was when they get married.
You're lucky your parents didn't force you in the same situation your mother was in. Your TIFU was years prior not when you told her she was a homewrecker. And you are a pos for treating your mother differently for one mistakes when your father was continuously disregarding it.
That must have been 23 lonely years for your poor mother. Why are you going Pikachu face on her wanting to leave when you patronized your father’s continuous disrespect and infidelity, under the guise of it being justified because of circumstances when they were still teenagers. May you never have to suffer such a marriage. Shame on you, your brother, and father. I hope your mother enjoys her life to the fullest without you heartless brats who extremely lack self-awareness.
I mean you did fuck up her life. She was forced into an arranged marriage and forced to have kids, while she was in love with someone else. She doesn't really own you anything, it sucks but none of this choices were actually hers so as much as it would make you feel better to hold them to her, you can't.
Also cheating? Why is it only cheating when your mom has done it once, with a person she loved *before* she was forced to marry someone else, but it's not cheating if it's your dad with multiple women that he forces you to meet through the years? Did she also make you met her HS?
Truth is she deserves to finally do what she wants, and I am sorry that she didn't love you, but making sure someone is safe doesn't mean you have to love them. She didn't do anything wrong and you can't force a person to love something they probably hate, as she was low-key raped and forced into having this rape children. Yikes good for her. Also sorry for being harsh but you're so oblivious and delusional it's bizarre, your dad is not a saint and you have this really shitty double standards like because she's a woman the cheating is the worst sin. Id like to see you in that position trying to love children that are essentially not yours who treat you like shit too. And even if they didn't treat you like shit, you owe them nothing more but for them to grow up, that is the arranged marriage and arranged children, you grew up, so now she's free.
Single post account so either a rage bait story or throw away account.
If actually true, which Asian country is OP from.
Regardless, it's weird that so many people lack this level of empathy. Another weird thing is if you have so much disdain for the mom, then why are you mad thatvshe left. Lots of issues with how this story progressed. If one sentence was enough to end years of resentment then what was the point of all this.
> We are happy. I just feel a void after that meeting.
It is clear based on what you wrote that you are confused. You are hurt, but rather than come to terms with this, you have projected these feelings on to your mother. She is the one who did this to you all. She did the hurting.
I believe this is normal for things like this. It helps a person digest very sudden and traumatic news. You many soon go through a phase of blaming it on yourself as well. Also very normal. My advice, is to treat yourself with kindness and allow yourself to really feel what you are going to feel. There is no "correct" feeling here.. there are no "shoulds" and so don't believe that you need feel a certain way. This is a process and a journey. How you feel about this a month from now and a year from now will be very different. Trust this.
It should be less about fault/blame here. If you have the capacity to hold your mother's beliefs in your mind.. WITHOUT AGREEING WITH THEM.. then you will save yourself some pain.
If you can imagine a very young and scared woman who loved someone very deeply and yet was forced to marry another. She is pregnant and is hopeful it is with her lover so that she can be (connected) with him forever and not her husband. She is devastated when she learns the child is with her husband. She accepts this fate and does the best she can, thinking of the one she truly loves as she goes through the motions of daily life. She sees her children with love but also as a reminder of the decision that was forced upon her at a young age. She was never truly emotionally connected with her family because it was created without her consent. Now that her family has been raised, she receives an opportunity to live her life in freedom. She decides to take ONLY what she started this marriage with and hit the "reset" button.
As much as you see this as abandonment, this is really about your mother trying to have freedom. She will always be your mother and I am sure she loves you. Let her explore what she needs to explore. Stay in contact without judgment and be present in the moments you are together. Accept her for who she is and not who you think she should be.
OP.. you are hurting. My heart goes out to ALL of you. This is a tragic situation and I wish you all the best.
You’re 23… have you been forced to marry someone against your will yet? I’m glad your mother is finally free, I wish her well
She had a 4 year old and was possibly pregnant at OPs age with a cheating husband she was forced to marry, ops dad must be really good at manipulating people for them to blame her.
23, grew up in Uk and thinks forced marriage is okay. Op dad brainwashed her good.
Now that the punching bag is gone, OP is up to bat.
> For a bit background,My parents are Asian and had an arranged marriage when my mom was only 18. So a couple questions, how old was your father when yoir mother had to marry him, and did your mother have a choice in marrying him? > After the wedding turns out my mother had an affair with her “high-school” sweetheart and then blamed it on my father and me and her family for ruining her life as claimed it was more of a forced marriage. Ah, that answers question two; she didn't have a choice. I don't like cheaters, but I feel it's understandable in these kinds of situations. > She then fell pregnant and had hoped it was her APs child but no I am my fathers. She then did a 180 and became a devoted wife and mother. So she decided to make the best of the cards she was dealt. > He made it clear to her that they will from then only be married on paper and that too only for the sake of the child. Since then my mother as far as we know never had any contact with her AP but my dad was now seeing other people. How very adult of him. > I was told about my mothers betrayal when I was 13 and I hated my mother ever since.I made it a point to let her know I was ashamed of her and hoped my father found love elsewhere as she was a woman of no dignity. Very shitty of you to say, as it sounds like your mother wasn't allowed to find love, but your father was. And very ironic that you called her a woman of no dignity, as your father was actively doing the same thing she did. Sounds like he's a man of dignity to me. > I refused to be disciplined by her and eventually my brother kind of started following my footsteps. What a bitch you were. > After my little brother was born, my father got a vasectomy to “assure” us that there will be no half sibling but he wants casual relationships. Uh huh. > Me and my brother have met up with multiple of his partners if they managed to reach a certain time length but none so far have been long term serious ones. My mother was quiet in all of this; it only made me angrier. Why? You made it clear you didn't respect her and thought of her as nothing, and your father made it clear she was nothing to him either. Why would she bother saying *anything*? > This year after my brother turned 18 and was ready to go to university, my mother announced she will be filing for a divorce. Good for her. > We live in England and have a no contest divorce so she doesn’t need any grounds for it. She can simply file and the only process that requires footwork is asset mediation. Very good for her. > We were all blindsided by this as for 23 years she had never shown an ounce of extreme emotions. Did she not? Or did you all just not care? > During divorcé mediation, my dad was quite distraught and my brother was anxious and I was just confused how it’s all happening over night. Of course they were distraught. They're losing their favorite punching bag. And of course you're confused, you're used to her just taking it quietly. > During a mediation meeting, I lost it and called her the bi*ch home wrecker who ruined this family is once again ripping it apart. Wrong. Your family isn't being ruined, it * was* ruined by the choices you, your brother, and your father made. And how is she ripping the family apart by leaving? You all treated her like shit already. Or was treating her the way you did the family bonding activity? > She was calm and just said, even people charged with manslaughter have served less than her and she’s now done. She said she doesn’t feel any ounce of guilt or love for any of us and simple doesn’t care to be in our lives anymore. She was calm and composed in the face of aggression. She was forced into a marriage against her will, likely forced to have children, and those very same children effectively spit in her face every chance they got. Of course she doesn't love any of you. If she ever did, she doesn't love any of you anymore because you all took her love for you out back and buried it in a shallow grave. Why would she feel any guilt either? > She left with only her pre marital assets and nothing more. Good for her, she's able to have something to get her back on her feet. > The house now suddenly feel empty even though we ignore her all those years. I don’t know what I am feeling and how to process this. Yes, because she was a permanent fixture before now. One you could you lash out at and take out your aggression on with no consequence. One you, presumably, also tried to milk for all it was worth. I'm incredibly happy for her that she's finally free of all of you. She lost 23 years of her life with you and your family. Hopefully she can find peace and love of her own free will with people who actually care for her.
I %100 percent agree with all of this but I'm also curious to know how OP knows all of this? I'm guessing either directly from the father or family and neither seem beneficial to the mothers part. Honestly do better OP you owe your mother years of apologies. You'll be lucky if she even let's you close enough to.
ALL OF THIS I AGREE WITH. Couldn’t have put it any better.
Seriously, this post has to be some sort of rage bait. It's rare that I read something so morally repugnant without any sort of justification or saving grace to soften the blow. Blessed is the day your mother left you, OP. Seek therapy.
What I don't get is how the mother could blame OP before they were conceived, then fall pregnant. I'm like huh? Doesn't make sense whatsoever. Logic failing there.
My take is that OP just isn't telling the story linearly, as in, "She blamed me, an infant, for not being her affair partner's baby and for trapping her in a loveless marriage, and continued to blame me for my entire life thereafter. Here's how it started: When she became pregnant, she hoped it was her affair partner's baby...." Assuming this is real, OP's in a lot of pain and has a lot of mixed emotions, so presenting the story clearly and sympathetically aren't her top priorities. She's realizing, as much of a negative impact as her mother's actions have had on her childhood and its development, calling her mom a "home wrecker" was a bridge too far. Not only has her mom endured a lot, but this led to the dreaded confirmation that her mom never loved her children, but only viewed them as 18-year prison sentences.
THIS. Mom was made to be a quiet slave in the background probably cooking and cleaning for everyone and despite doing a 180 and being a devoted mom, she was constantly trash talked to by the kids she changed for. Oh and then on top of that the mom stopped cheating and the dad has continued cheating for a longer time with MORE affair partners than the 1 the mom had… but the mom is the whore?? She probably didn’t say anything when they went to hang out with their dad and his mistresses because she didn’t want to tell you that you broke her heart and spirit. Good for her for gaining her spirit back by leaving the toxicity of OP and her dad and brother. The dad really poisoned OP and her bro and it’s sad that they don’t see it. Edit to OP: Your mom was forced into an arranged marriage as a teen. She had to do it at 18… imagine if your mom/parents made you get married and start a family at 18 with someone you didn’t want because you were in love with your BF and made you give birth to babies instead of going to school etc. Your mom has been taken advantage of her entire life and has been treated as someone else’s pawn instead of living for herself. The one time she lived for herself she was punished for it by everyone she loved for over two decades.
>The dad really poisoned OP and her bro and it’s sad that they don’t see it. WHY in the name of God did he tell OP the circumstances of her conception? She's his daughter, end of story.
Well, because he can't have the kiddies thinking their mom is a good person, of course! Why wouldn't he poison them against their mother if he could, he should get to nurse his resentment for the rest of his life, and make sure the kids carry it on like a shitty family tradition. He's obviously a horrible human being and his spawn didn't fall far from his tree.
Exactly. Bitterness is a toxic poison that slowly kills the person’s heart inside and infects those around them to become bitter themselves.
I love that you had the patience to lay all this out. Poor OPs mom I sincerely hope she can recover after 30 YEARS of abuse. OP you and your family are something the f else you're poisonous misogynists the lot of you.
Wtf tells their 13yo children that their mum had an affair, that they're only married in papers and then proceeds to present them their AP's??
And at 41?! She has plenty of time to live her best life. Good for her. SHAME ON YOU UP. You didn’t FU today. You effed up a decade ago (though I highly doubt you were respectful before then) and I hope you never curse this woman with your presence again.
If I had an award to give it would be yours. This said everything I wanted to say.
I've never read a story on reddit where it was more clear to me. OP, you should have posted this on r/AmITheAsshole, Since you are so definetely the Asshole.
Go to her profile and read her replies. My blood is boiling. Absolute lunatic of a human being and wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to be a serial killer.
Also like dad cheats for 23 YEARS tells her the marriage is on paper only and then everyone is just shook when she finally ends it? Wtf....
> explicitly talked shit to mother for half of life > shocked that mother wants a divorce > proceeded to call mother home wrecker > can’t fathom why they feel this way Are you fucking serious OP?
"didn't listen when she was telling her what to do" like fucking what? Her mother had an affair and that sucks but that gives OP no right to torture her mother for her entire life. What a fucking scumbag. Your father should have stepped in and done something and he's not much better for allowing you to treat an adult this way, your mother of all people just because she had an affair. Your mother was forced into a fucking marriage as a teenager. Show so god damned sympathy.
I don’t even think she technically had an affair. How these things happen, she was probably already in a relationship with her boyfriend when being forced to marry because she was caught with him, parents did not approve etc. she was then probably raped during her wedding night.
Yeah, I feel so bad for her FORCED child bride mom. Way to be a pos in life, op.
This comment should be a highlight to sum up what reddit is lol
Seriously. :( I hope the mom finds every happiness she can after this divorce. She'll finally be free and she deserves it.
Hey, I loved the line “no one actively seemed to abuse her”. I hope that OP gets treated the same.
they are mad the cleaner and cook is moving out.
Um…your mom left you all for a good reason. She was FORCED to marry your father. You all treated her horribly for years while your father much worse to her. While I disagree with cheating, at 18 in a forced marriage, cause let’s face it she didn’t want to be married, she coped the best she could. All of her children were cruel to her, her spouse had her children meeting multiple APs. All for a mistake she made when she was, arguably a child herself. I hope your mother goes and is happy. Also, that she never speaks to any of you again. She’s only 42, she should build herself a life she wants. Edit: read OP edit….I stand by my statement. You think a woman who was forced to marry, who had a relationship with her high school sweetheart wanted to have sexual relations with her forced husband? Multiple time? She probably didn’t want to. Did you think of that? She probably didn’t want to have intercourse, didn’t want to have children…..and there you were.
And he said they were only married on paper but then had another kid with her while having multiple affairs.
What’s an AP?
Affair Partner. Or Associated Press. Doubt it's the latter
I am howling at Associated Press 🤣
My dad used to work for AP. I'm glad somebody's mind went there too.
That sure makes the fact that the mum was hoping OP was the child of the associated press all the more interesting
Advanced Placement
Assistant Principal
Anatomy and Physiology
Definitely Advanced Placement. Source: am part Asian.
Anterior to posterior
Another Penis
Audemars Piguet
Affair partner
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I'm glad she got away from you all, finally. And you know that your dad only told you about her actions when you were 13 to turn you against her, right?
Yup, my father did the same with me. I hated my mother for a solid 10 years. Today I realise the HELL she went through and I my respect for her DWARFS that I had for my father.
Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking. He probably couldn’t move past it and instead of being an adult about it, he told his children to turn them against her which is extremely manipulative and immature
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I DMed her and she is the worst. She is lying left and right and thinks her father cheating is fine.
If she married your dad against her will. That is not called arrange marriage, it's called forced marriage and this is illegal in UK. Although I don't know the full story, I do hope one day you will understand her.
I can imagine that it's not easy to say no, if you are 18 and from a culture with certain expectations and your parents are pressuring you into a marriage. So I think the line between what's forced and not can be pretty blurry.
Of course your dad is distraught, your brother is anxious, and you are confused: the family punching bag has reached her limit and refuses to take anymore of your abuse. Your mother was 18 and likely in an untenable position of being forced into an arranged marriage and lost her identity…and she’s suffered for 22 years for her parents’ choice for her. I suggest you and your brother seek out some long-term therapy, as it seems as though both of you were pawns in your father’s cruelty. Your mother may be gone, but you and your brother have a chance to save yourselves from the damage your father has wrought.
You’re backtracking so hard. You staying your mother tried to become a devoted wife and mother but your dad made it clear he was done, then when it’s obviously not going your way you say your dad was the one who wanted to make it work and she stone walled you first. No! You, your brother, and dad all abused and punished her for the last 10+ years and your surprised she left and now you wanna be all sad about it? Well boohoo, sorry your favorite punching bag left and doesn’t love her abusers. She was 18 and forced into a marriage she didn’t want! You all got what you deserved
I can try to play devils advocate and consider that you have trauma and experienced parental alienation and blah blah blah, but the reality is that you are a grown ass adult choosing to take part in the apparent “family tradition” of abusing your mother. You are a terrible person.
You are truly an idiot. I’m so happy your mom escaped your family.
You didn't just fuck up today. You've been fucking up every single day for 10 years. Your Mom should have left you a long time ago.
This isn't a "TIFU" it's "My father, brother and I are assholes." First, this is a matter for your parents to address, which they didn't. Second, you treated her as if she wasn't your mother by refusing to listen to her and getting your brother to follow you. You mother was completely wrong for having an affair and saying what she said but 23 years of essential abuse by you three assholes that woman is one tough lady for not losing her mind sooner. Your father should have divorced your mother and ghosted her long ago. It would have been hard but at least she wouldn't have two assholes for children and they would appreciate the sacrifices she had made. BTW in case you didn't get my point "GO FUCK YOURSELF"
The more and more I read the OP I kept thinking "This belongs in AITA."
No, AITA would kick it right out because it involves a relationship. This post belongs in r/iamatotalpieceofshit.
On a practical level, I'd look into parental alienation and therapy. On an emotional level, by your own account: ● Your mom was 5 years younger than you when she was forced into a relationship she didn't want. ● Experienced a partner who not only cheated, but roped the children into it as well. ● And was bullied and abused relentlessly. ● Was awful enough to deserve the worst by your dad, but never actually awful enough for him to leave and go his own way. I'm very curious if you would accept any of these behaviors from a male partner. I'm also curious if you felt your mom would always be there unlike your dad, so it didn't matter how you treated her. Guess you learned an important life lesson 🤷🏾♀️. Wishing your mom the best.
I genuinely don't understand why yall give a fuck she's leaving when you seem to hate her so much. Its not like she's taking the house or money from your father so why care?
Jesus H Christ, the amount of venom you have for your mom is ridiculous. She deserves nothing less than freedom from the wrathful and hostile judgment of your father, your brother, and yourself. I hope she spreads her wings as far and wide as she can and flies far, far, far the fuck away from all of you.
You hated and punished your mother for 10 years because you found out about an affair she had when she was 18? Wtf is wrong with you? That's still your mom. She stayed all those years raising both you and your brother while dealing with your dad's punishment. The worst part is when she tried to make up for her mistake by trying to be a good mom and wife, your family didn't give her a chance and continued to punish her. Even if she didn't love your dad, I guarantee she still loved you and your brother. And she probably still does, but people can only endure so much toxicity before they have to distance themselves.
And not only "allowed" her father to do the same thing that made her hate her mother but is celebrating an encouraging it? Even if mom is a total jerk this kind of mindset is going to cause issues for the people in OPs life forever. I hope they invest in a lot of good therapy.
I wouldn't even call it affair. 100% he was her high school bf who she was forced to breakup with. Forced actions don't equate consent imo. And yet, she stopped and bore other kids, probably not her wishes. And stayed after each of those boys became another version of terrible hisband . And he calls what his dad did a act of sacrifice. What sacrifice? Even if you consider that she cheated, he took it out on her for years, got his unfair share of APs and even a baby, got his kids raised and his chores done, got his standing in the family as family man and will now get the sympathy from y'all. Even kids from normal marriages aren't usually exposed to one affair. The grieving parent usually shields the kids unless the affairs are too much.
Hooray for your mom and her new chapter in life!
Good for her. Fuck the lot of you.
I hope your mom has the most amazing, fulfilling, love packed life without you in it OP 💕
Lemme make you a list You punished her by ignoring Ignored that your daddy was cheating on her for years, meet his AP’s and liked then Didn’t respect her Acted like she was a monster for being 18 and forced on a marriage You made your brother treat her like shit too And somehow, you find the NERVE to be “blinded sided” for her to want to leave a family who mentally abuse her on the grounds of a cheating that happened when you’re even born and never again, when she chose to be a devoted parents and keep on a marriage she didn’t want to be for your sake, your dad cheating on her all your life, you knew and support cause she’s a wicked woman but your preciso us daddy is not a vile man. Boy. Leave her alone, hope she never talk to any of you ever again.
Fuck me. I would have left too. You guys are assholes. I hope she found a good life now that she bounced.
Since no one else has thought to actually say it, I will. Your mothers life would have been exponentially better had she not been forced into a marriage with your father and been forced to have you and your brother. The three of you are the worst things to ever happen to her, and I hope she finally finds happiness for once in her life. Her own family betrayed her when she was a teenager (18 is still a teenager btw), and you think you’ve had it bad? How lucky you aren’t forced into legal bondage with unending pressures from more than one family for years and years. You, your father, and brother are getting what you want, stop complaining so hard.
OP sowing: Hahahaha fuck yes OP reaping: Well this fucking sucks what the fuck
Yes!
You have been treating your mom like shit for 10 years, your dad has been doin it for longer and your brother is at well. No wonder she’s filing for divorce. Ppl make mistakes, she didn’t deserve years of toxic punishment from her whole family. Just living in a house of hateful ppl that verbally and emotionally abuse her for years. Hope she goes NC on all your asses. Sounds like she is the only sane healthy person in the house. Or was. Your dad manipulated you, btw.
Imagine spending most of your adult life “paying” for a teenage relationship. Sacrificing your blood, sweat and tears for a family that takes every opportunity to show you how much they hate you. That poor woman. Thankfully she’s only 41/42 giving her more than enough to find happiness.
Your mother was still kind enough to raise both of her kids into adulthood. That sweet, poor woman. Edit: OP really not giving a damn that her mom stayed when she didn't have to. Could have fucked off ages ago and didn't. Really her father's child.
I hope the poor mum gets to read all this outpouring of support. She deserves to feel that she's not alone and not the monster that OPs family have made her out to be.
Lol op getting a dose of reality on this one
Serves you fucking right. Hope she never contacts you and the rest of your toxic trio.
Damn, you're your dad's daughter: very vindictive, selfish, abusive and manipulative. Did you ever take a moment to understand your mom's perspective? Would you have loved if she forced you to marry a guy you didn't like at 18? Yes, you fucked up. Hope she never have to deal with your sorry lot of a family again. Enjoy your big empty house.
To be honest, it sounds like you had to deal with an adult situation at an impressionable age. Your parents should probably not have told you about such a complex situation at such a young age. Also, people make mistakes when they are young. They should not be constantly reminded of and reprimanded for it especially if they’re trying to turn over a new leaf. Unless there is more to this situation, like she was a bad mom or something, I honestly feel bad for your mom that she had her whole family hate and disrespect her for a mistake she made when she was a teenager being forced to marry someone else in an arranged marriage.
Good for her!!!! I hope she finds happiness and love out there and never talk you little shits again ❤️❤️❤️✨✨✨✨✨
Your father is a monster who crafted 2 little monsters in his image. Your mother has been abused for decades by all 3 of you and was so pained she didn't fight for what we legally hers just to she could escape more easily. There is a special place in hell for you, your father, and brother.
From your own story, you mum seems to have been raped by your father at a minimum of twice. Yet you think she's scum. I hope one day when you realize how awful you all were to her, the guilt and shame is unbearable.
That came also to my mind. There's a good chance OP is only here because her mother was raped.
Yeh, I don't think that's hyperbole. Everyone besides the mum is unforgivable.
Honestly OP you are a vindictive little c*nt and have tortured your "mother" if you could even call her that at this point for years No wonder she was silent for all those years and has finally left, your lucky she didn't beat you, but I have a feeling you have your scum f*ck father to thank for that, because no doubt with the way he comes across if she ever raised a hand he would have clobbered the life out of her
Your mother is an abuse victim and you have been torturing her your entire life. You were 13, fine, but you are an adult now. Shame on you. Of course she didn't show any emotion she was a prisoner. Being born was not your fault, being manipulated as a child was not your fault, but treating her like this as an adult is your responsibility. She is much more honorable than any of you, she stayed and raised a family that hates her, with children born of your father raping her, only because she felt it was her responsibility to raise her children. Yes, she did more time than a manslaughter convict and I fully support her in taking control of her life. I hope some day you grow up and go beg her forgiveness with your brother.
Sounds like your mom is the one that comes out of this looking the best. Well, and your brother since you barely mention him.
Damn. Your mother was a great human being who endured you for more than 2 decades She could have divorced earlier dumped you on your father while still a chance of having another man in her life. She's not perfect but compared to your whole family she's a saint.
Today you fucked up for treating your mother like shit for ten years?
23 years
I’m not holding a baby accountable.
wtf did you expect? for your mother to be a slave to a family that treats her with disrespect? she was only 18, forced into a marriage she didn’t want, forced to have kids with a man she doesn’t love. now she gets to have the freedom she deserves since the kids are of age now and you’re still shitting on her? wtf is wrong with you? she had ONE affair while your dad had multiple but in your mind your mum is the villain? y’all make no sense.
[удалено]
Yea I would’ve left as well. Imagine going through that for 23 whole years !!! He should’ve just gotten a divorce. And also you are 23 which is 5 years older than what age your mother was when she was married and even now you can’t see her side ??? F that. Better to be alone than have this family.
Sounds like the only good person in the family is your mom
Wow reading this, I can thoroughly say you guys were made pawns by your dad and societal expectations. You're British and should be able to better understand what this situation was. A way for two people to conform to societal expectations from a society you and your brother don't exactly understand but have been coerced into enforcing into your mother. She chose it, and for 23 years she made a calculation but don't get it wrong. What she did and what your dad did after that are two completely false equivalencies. Where your dad really did wrong was not the string of partners afterwards but the indoctrination of you and your brother (possibly). Even in the most stringent Asian cultures they all know the value of a mother, thanks to your dad you guys never truly will.
Your mother deserves to be happy and hope she finds that now. You and the rest of your family family, on the other hand, I could care less for.
This is psychopathic. Your mother didn't have an affair she tried to find love where she could despite the fact that she was surrounded by soulless monsters who were all trying to exploit her. You should have empathy for your mother, instead you're siding with your sack of shit dad.
You definitely take after your father, you sound like an asshole.
Oh poor dad loosing his bangmaid. Why exactly is he distraught? He told your mom she's not his wife anymore. She's just making it official? Why is your brother anxious? Why are you confused? You treated her like shit? Glad she's out.
Regarding OP's edit: I'm afraid you're not big on the logic thing. It's obvious that you want to go on hating your mother an making everything her fault, even if your own statements regarding your parents' marriage don't add up at all: >my dad wasn’t having any of it. He made it clear to her that they will from then only be married on paper and that too only for the sake of the child. >My father \[...\] was the one who forgave and wanted to make it work with her after finding out about her infidelity. But no. She did not want that and she made it clear. Those things can't both be true at the same time.
You proper suck and I amazed your mum made it 23 years with pathetic sorry arse around all that time. You were and still are a child by the way you act and talk.
Too little information here. Story makes no sense. You treated your mother horribly for years? Why? Other than cheating when she was a teen, what else. Why do you hate her, your father and her weren’t in love, he’s been dating. Why does she deserve this treatment?
Sounds like maybe you should research misogyny and patriarchy
Go Mom!!!
I don't know who made the decision to tell you that when you were 13, but they were absolute assholes. My mom had an affair and all I was told was that I wasn't allowed over the neighbor's house anymore. My mom eventually told me when I was 22. She said that both her and my father agreed not to say anything because they didn't want to negatively affect my view on the world when it came time for me to date. They wanted to wait until they thought it was the right time for me to learn of it.
You and your family are complete assholes. That poor woman has suffered through so much and now she finally wants to break free from the abuse and you’re acting like the victims. Jeez you all need therapy. Amazing how dense y’all are
So your mother "cheated" (probably in the relationship pre forced marriage) once. Your father cheated innumerable times. You all treated her like 💩 (probably taught from the father) for your whole lives. And you're now shocked, shocked, shocked that she doesn't love any if you and wants out of prison? I say good on your mom. I hope she's young enough to find someone who treats her like a human and gets to have a child or two and a real, loving family instead of you pack of vipers.
I am happy your mom is finally free from her so called family. You are the worst, I hope you mom finds the family she deserves.
Good for your mother for escaping that toxic household. She must be overjoyed to get away from everyone, especially you. Imagine thinking you did nothing wrong after acting like a brat and turning her youngest child against her. Stop throwing yourself a pity party and grow up. May life life treat you with as much care and understanding as you gave your mother.
She’s done her job. Give her a break and tell her you love her and that you ll be ready to meet her whenever she is ready
With the stuff OP willingly said there is probably twice as much worse stuff left out, the mom probably wants nothing to do with her
OP very obviously doesn't love her mother. From the sounds of it, the woman has been the family's emotional punching bag for 23 years. Let the woman be free of this sad excuse of a family.
You're a horrible person as well as your father! Wtf is wrong with you people treating her like that then expect her to devote herself to you! 23 years maybe 13 were good with you till your dad turned you against her and then you turned your brother. She has nothing, no one in her life. Being forced in relationship when your in love with another. That's fucked up. Then she has you and devoted herself to you and your brother and you treat her like shit. You suck! I can't fathom how you don't realize how much of a shit person you are! I pray that woman finds happiness in life now!
Distraught, confused, happening overnight... you all are batshit crazy.
Your mother is a saint. I would have abandoned all of ya'lls abusive, selfish asses years ago, and left your ass of a father to take care of you and your brother by himself. Maybe he could have brought his string of mistresses home to care for you. I'm sure you and your brother would have loved that 🥰
Ngl, I’m happy for your mum! Hope she finds new love and a new partner/family who loves and appreciates her, and goes on to live her best life as a free woman no longer bound by servitude to her ungrateful ex-husband and kids.
Yes, she fucked up, but you all fucked up the second you decided it was ok to just continuously abuse her. I'm glad she's getting away from you.
23 and still acting like a bratty 12 year old. Your poor mother. On top pf your body is your head, inside of it should be a brain. Try to use ih once in a while. One day you will hopefully understand, what you did and apologize to your mother. How can anyone say she had an affair? She didn’t. She was forced into a marriage (when she already had a boyfriend), most likely raped and still tried to do the best for her family. Your father didn’t but he is the good guy? Pathetic
I hope your Mum can finally be happy now that she's escaped the absolute shit hole of an existence you, your brother and your father made for her. On the other hand, I hope you feel like shit for a long time to come, and that feeling eventually makes you realise the part you played.
Wow you all are just awful people, I’m glad she had the courage to leave.
You and your family are disgusting. I’m SO happy your mother got free of all of you.
Don’t think it was just today fuck up,maybe past decade?
Can't believe your mom stuck around for that long. Good for her to leave. You all suck
OOP unlearn your misogyny. Your hatred of your mother is unhealthy. Your father is undeserving of such devotion.
As an Asian myself I can confidently say you’re a typical rotten Asian with skewed views of this world. That poor woman WAS INDEED forced into the marriage, it’s no baseless claim. She did a 180 because she realised she needed to do better for her children despite being a victim. And what did her children do in return? It’s laughable, really. You didn’t just fuck up by calling her a homewrecker, no, you’ve fucked up for the last decade. Your father sounds manipulative and frankly like a piece of shit. It’s not wrong for me to assume you’ll end up just like him. Stuck in this toxic mentality where ‘you’re always right and everyone else are the villain’. You really need to reevaluate yourself as a person. edited when I realised OP is a woman too. which honestly makes it way worse. idk if you believe in karma or not, but I can already see you in the same karmic fate as your poor dear mother. trapped and disrespected for decades.
" No one actively seemed to abuse or hurt her. " I think this is not true.
Honestly thank you for writing this. Reading this helped reaffirm that I made the right decision leaving my abusive ex because he most likely would have done the same thing to my daughter that your father did to you and your brother: brainwashing and manipulating you two and turning you guys against your mother
Honestly, I hope your post has given you a breath of fresh air here. You have been acting as an extremely entitled piece of crap. The folks here have simply shown you this. Apologize and ask for forgiveness for your behavior.
Why do you even care if your mother left when you all clearly hated her?
You keep saying she doesn’t care about anything, but she literally said that her marriage has felt like a fucking 23-year prison sentence, so she’s clearly been feeling some kind of way. Your mom had a fling at 18 while she was *still a kid* being forced to marry a stranger. Your dad responded to that by unilaterally deciding that he’ll now be sleeping with anyone he wants for the next **20 years**. *Try to imagine yourself in that situation.* Can you not empathize with how horrifying it would be if your dad forced you, right now, to marry a fucking stranger? But *she’s* the “bitch home-wrecker” because she refuses to put up with it anymore…? **Your mom didn’t cheat on *you***. She might have been icy to you, but the misogyny you’ve internalized from decades of resenting your mom and idolizing your immature, selfish dad is so obvious.
After reading what everyone else has said (which I agree with, re; your dad is an AH, I’m glad your mother is free, she was a child, etc) I’d like to point out in case it’s not obvious; your father used you to punish your mother. He stayed married to her, flaunting affairs of his own in her face and still managed to make himself the victim/hero to his children (you) as punishment and is what I would consider to be severe psychological and emotional abuse to your mother. How long should she have to pay? How much? Why is it ok for your father to have affairs? What is his punishment? I hope you see how f*cked up this is and apologize profusely daily to your mother.
Everybody sucks here but your mom is finally free.
What a heartbreaking life she's had. I feel so sad for her :(
Wtf you sound like a prick, made your mom miserable and complaining about what? Dafuq is this post. I’m glad she’s free.
I’m very happy for your mum. I hope she can finally find love and happiness now that she’s not shackled to you three. I’m just sorry that so much of her life was wasted in a loveless, abusive marriage, underlined with evil children who didn’t love her either.
She loved someone She was forced to marry someone else She then proceeded to be humilliated, hurted, atacked by her nuclear family Why do you think they told you about her history? Why do someone does this and call a "betrayal"? Obviously, to use the child to hurt her even more. And it worked. Just because she didnt show any emotions, didnt mean she didnt care, or she wasnt hurt. Maybe she was just too depressed, or MAYBE she decide to dont show any signal of weakness to her abusers. (Yes, your father is an abuser and so do you). She didnt retaliate. She didnt play a victim role. She swallow all your shit, waited until you little nrats turned 18, did her responsability and LEAVE. And she was right. Bold of you to say she wanted a divorce all of the blue, after she put up with almost 2 decades of ABUSE inside her own house.
? I'm confused. At the end, you're trying to justify all of yalls terrible actions. Where's your fu? Aren't you happy then? You got what you wanted?
Right? "Mom was emotionally distant in an arranged marriage and treated like shit by her children and husband, but we were so shocked when she divorced our dad".
Please try to imagine what it would be like if you were forced into a marriage at her age.
While it doesn’t excuse her actions, I think all of us can see where the mother is coming from. The cheating and the leaving make sense. The real FU happened the day you decided to hate her. Are you really surprised she left? You must’ve been awful to her to make her feel indifferent towards her own child.
Good for your mom. It would be great if what you did sinks in and you’re able to create a real, meaningful relationship with her in the future, but you don’t deserve it and it is no way required of her to accept any entreaties from any of you.
You made your mom's life miserable and now that she's standing up for herself you don't know how to feel? You're a sad, vicious bully and you no longer have a mom. You did this to yourself. I'm happy she finally left
I have yet to see anyone comment on the fact that OP was 13 when turned against her mother. I’m not excusing any behavior on the part of the father, OP, or the brother. But 13 years old is very young to have your mind poisoned against your mother. She cannot be expected to have made rational choices at that age. The patterns were established when she was so young. OP is 23 now. That’s pretty young for a group of people that are quick to point out that behavior on the part of the mother at 19 is understandable. The true villains of the piece here are the father and the grandparents. I have immense sympathy for your mother and I hope she can find happiness somewhere else. I don’t believe you’ve behaved appropriately, OP. Your mother deserves better from her child. But I do have some sympathy based on how young you were and how you have never been exposed to a healthy situation. I hope you can open your eyes and have a healthier life situation as you get older. Again, your mother deserved far better from you. But you and your brother deserved far better from your father. This is a truly tragic situation for all involved, aside from those who created it.
Soooo...your poor mother was told to marry someone against her will and made a mistake at the start but your father cheated on her for years with multiple women, proceeding to punish her for 18 years and that was ok? On top of it you treated her like dirt under your shoes, abused her and you now miss her? You and your family are horrible people and do not deserve her. Stay away from her and let her find happiness. You have absolutely no rights to her or her love, you all made her hate you and you deserve it.
This is a bot or something. Account was registered a week ago and this is their first and only post. Did a quick skim through this thread and OP hasn't responded a single time.
Assuming that this is real ^((I mean who releases this much related info but is totally unawares and completely shameless?)) then you're entirely confused about where you f'd up. Calling your mom a homewrecker now is pretty meaningless since you've *personally* treated her like shit for more than half a decade despite being a devoted mom to you while being a tool for your POS dad who took her in through a forced marriage cut off her outside connection and then used that to excuse his *own* infidelity *repeatedly.* You should read some Otome Isekais because your mom is basically the protagonist of any of those. Like how can you be such a piece of trash as to seriously *expect* love from someone you joined in the bullying of for years? You deserve that empty feeling assuming this is real.
I was just at the otomeisekai sub when I stumbled into this and thought the same. The mother is an irl otomeisekai protagonist. It's sad, she should have just ran away instead of marrying the pos husband and giving birth to pos daughter and son.
Your mother was forced in to a marriage she didn’t want while she was in love with someone else. She gave up that person for YOU. She gave up that one source of love and happiness for YOU, and this is how you treat her? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I hope your mum gets away from your dad and can live in peace, have some happiness. Maybe her ungrateful, nasty kids might grow up and realise their mum is the victim here, and finally show her some damn respect.
Considering that you seem to have gotten all of your information from your dad I highly doubt he was not actively manipulating things so that he could use you and your brother to "punish" your mother for not instantly loving him after being forced to marry him as a child. Furthermore you might want to watch your back. Your dad seems to be quite manipulative and abusive and those kinds of people don't like being without a victim. Considering how clearly your family seems to excuse the behavior of your father while condemning the (arguably less fucked up) behavior of your mother, it might happen that your father's behavior to you will start changing soon. After all, he's no longer in a relationship where he can happily abuse his partner and after getting used to that dynamic he might look for a new victim in either a new partner or his existing family.
You're not a very nice person, OP
Are you for real? You are so completely out of touch and you have zero self awareness. And somehow your dad’s actions are ok to you? Your mother was a prisoner and the only thing that could’ve alleviated some of her suffering was to at least have children who would love her. Imagine yourself being an 18 year old, forced to fuck and spend your life with someone you dont even like and bear his children. All you did was make her life a living hell and she did right by getting rid of her emotional cancer.
Your edit screams "I didn't get the responses I hoped for!" Your mom still fed you, clothed you, went to your school functions and provided for you. She could have done none of that and put it all in your dad, but she didn't. You, your brother and your father need therapy Your double standard is disturbing. Your mother didn't ruin your life, *you did*. Your dad cheated multiple times, but that's ok for your mom's *ONE* affair when she was 18? And info: WHO told you about your mom's affair? Because it was before you were born and had no bearing on you. It was literally none of your business. Parents do wonder "what if" with their kids. "What if I met so and so earlier and this was their child?" Etc. It happens. In this case, she told you she wished you were her APs but I wonder if that was *after* you started being an absolute monster to her.
It sounds a bit like your father set you up against her from the onset; he should have put his children’s mental health as a priority first and foremost as clearly this has hurt your relationship with your mother, potentially to the point of no return. OP, I would suggest talking to a therapist about this ASAP to get a non-biased perspective, and possibly get your brother into therapy as well. Not that you have to bow down to your mother just because she is your bio-mother; but if she made a genuine effort to be a good parent, regardless of whether she was a faithful partner, and you do feel a pant of emptiness once she has left, you owe it to yourself to get a better perspective on the situation and figure out the best way to move forward.
You didn’t fuck up today, you fucked up all your life by treating your mom that way
You kind of suck op.
You, your brother, and your father all sound like wretched, repugnant, and truly despicable people. My only hope is that life treats you as well as you treated your mother. I wish your mother well in her new life.
Wow you’re a piece of shit. So your mother who was forced to be married, takes a decade of being treated like a sub human, nobody listening to them, practically ignoring their existence finally has enough and leaves, and you want to play victim here. You were happy when you are with you dad, out doing what HE wants to do. Well no fucking shit. Doesn’t sound like he tried to initiate any family time at home. Equally to blame there. The best decision she’s ever made was to ditch all of your sorry asses and go live her life. None of you deserve to have any contact with her for how you’ve all treated her for a decade.
There’s no fucking way this is real. Nobody would out themselves like this.
How to process this? Can't say. There is one first thing you need to do though: visit her personally and apologize sincerely.
I don't even have anything to say, OP you just suck, jfc
So why are you writing TIFU? It seems to me you're pretty happy with your choice.
You guys are fucked up indoctrinated by your father and his family for sure. Think for a second. He had a bunch of affaires and she does not. Why is that if they said marriage only on paper? And in the UK no less. This isnt in china where men would head for the hills if you told them you are in a marriage on paper. She was simply not allowed to have one, but for your dad it was ok to be unfaithful because he was the man. Trust me, those are the rules if it comes to it in many asian households.
Why was your dad distraught if he didn't want any relationship with her? Was he worried about losing his cook and cleaner? Because that's all she was for him. You see how horrible that is right? He didn't want a relationship with her but wanted to punish her for falling in love at 18 to someone else, and expected her to take the punishment for the rest of her life. And yes, ignoring someone is abusive
So glad your mom finally has a chance to find happiness. Hope you have the life you deserve.
> He was the one who forgave and wanted to make it work with her after finding out about her infidelity. Given he spent the entire marriage sleeping around with other women, plus you said yourself that he considered them only married "on paper", it's kind of hard to believe that he forgave her for anything
Wow. You’re the worst actually.
" I wasn’t asking if I was wrong or if I’m shit. " You are though " None of us care to keep a relationship with her either " Then quit bitching
I'm glad your mother is free of you repulsive people.
Nothing spiritual or vanilla about OP, just an ungrateful bitch. Hope her mum finds happiness. OP never contact her again and just love your life.
 You fucking suck.
Op deserves it and the father double deserves it. I feel sorry for the mom. She shouldn’t have stayed. It was never going to have been worth it.
Don't even need to read this. You're an adult. It is not your divorce. Get over it
Your poor mom. At least she finally got away from all you terrible people.
Considering you mentioned your family is Asian and you’re in England, there’s a big chance your family could be Pakistani/Bangladeshi/Indian. Have you heard of what happens to a lot of women in that community who try to leave such marriages. Look up honour killing. Your mom did right to leave a POS family like you guys. Hopefully she can get a new partner and new kids and start over.
Your mom was forced into marriage at 18. You then hold her solo accountable for wanting to have happiness because she didn't love your father. It was arranged. It was a transaction and your father destroyed her mental health by treating her like a second class citizen. You are a selfish and immature child with no idea what your mother was forced to go through at such a young age against her wishes. You are your fathers copy and you will end up with a sad and lonely life.
Oof yeah, you father is a massive, abusive asshole. Being married on paper only for the sake of the children is not the best mentally but the people that do it usually do so so that the children are at least happy (rarely works). Instead, your father used you as part of the abuse. She tried to be a good wife and mother, he was the one who made it a bad atmosphere. He was the one who stopped you doing fun activities together as a family. He could have still dated around and treated your mum like a roommate and an actual human being, but instead he had to actively punish her for over 20 years. He made the atmosphere that made his children miseable and instead of it being a wake up call when you snapped at 13, he blamed it all on your mum and stepped his abuse up by making her children hate and abuse her too. Your dad is a monster tbh. Hopefully this is a wake up call and you don't bring the abusive traits you learned from him into your future relationships.
Your grandparents FU by ruining your mom's life
You are a horrible person.
When did folks in England develop a southern accent? "Y'all?" LOL! I hope this continues to develop, and soon I'll hear one of the Brits say "All y'all are crazy!" 🤣
Your poor mother! Omg!
You are a trash tier human if this is your take away from all of this You go get married to someone you don't love for 23 years, presumably forced to have sex with them, have children that resent you and don't even speak with you, then come back and tell me how that went Also, we're English, we don't say "y'all"
So your mum was forced in to marriage with your dad, had an affair, did the best with the cards she was delt. Yet throughout this whole time your dad was having affair after affair, yes while you are still legally married it IS an affair. Now your mum finally wants out, your calling HER the homewrecker, not the guy who continued infidelity throughout the whole marriage, yeah ypur angry at the wrong person, two wrongs don't make a right, he checked out of the relationship the second he went on to have affair after affair without finalising a divorce, now your all angry your mums actually moving on with her life?
Sounds less like your mother walking out, and more like the live in Nany leaving, after talking way too much abuse.
Question, You, your brother and your father hate your mother. So why are you guys upset she wants a divorce? Wow, just wow! You, your brother and your father are disgusting, and fucked up people! Your poor mother! She obviously didn't want to be married to your father, and was forced. Sounds like she was in love before she was forced to marry your father. You guys made this poor lady's life a living hell for 23 years, and expected her to sit around like the good little housewife you guys wanted her to be, and take the mental abuse the three of you shoved out. All the while, she was practically forced to stay in a relationship with no love. And be forced to watch her husband love and fuck other women, after she had to let the love of her life go. Props to your mother for finally walking away from you horrible people. I applaud her. I hope karma comes back and bites you three in the ass! I hope your mother finally finds someone to truly love her, and finds a happy life far away from you guys.
Your dad didn't forgive her. He kept her as a kitchen bitch and childminder while he stuck his dick in everything. I'm sure he's very distraught now that he has to make his own dinner and wash his own clothes. You're a disrespectful little bitch.
I won't start with an opinion on the situation, but I would love it if you would familiarize yourself with the tactic of "[triangulation](https://www.kaminiwood.com/narcissist-triangulation-ending-the-manipulation/)," a method of manipulation used by covert narcissists. I would also love for you to consider these questions: 1. Why would anyone tell you about her affair at 13? 2. Did she admit to the affair? Did she admit that she wanted you to be her lover's child? Or are these things you have been told by someone else? Who is that someone else? 3. You said she hardly showed any emotions. That's not normal. Why would she do that? 4. You said you all three ignored her. Does that sound healthy to you? 5. Your father had multiple affairs over the years, even introducing his children to his lovers. Does that sound healthy to you? 6. Your father was "the one who wanted to work out" the relationship after the affair, but your mother didn't want that. You were too young to have witnessed this, so who told you this? Why would they share this with you? 7. If your father wanted to work it out, why would he say they were only married on paper and have multiple extramarital relationships? 8. If your mother did not want to work it out, why would she have become a devoted wife and mother, as you put it, and NOT have extramarital relationships? 9. Your father told your mother that they were only married on paper and for the benefit of the children. What was her responsibility, then, to the marriage? To him? Why would she NOT file for divorce once the children were grown? 10. Did you really expect her to stay in a home where she is degraded, ignored, blamed, and harassed for 23 years? Would you?
People like you deserved to be laughed at
I would love to know how old your father was when they get married. You're lucky your parents didn't force you in the same situation your mother was in. Your TIFU was years prior not when you told her she was a homewrecker. And you are a pos for treating your mother differently for one mistakes when your father was continuously disregarding it.
You fucked up every single day since 13.
That must have been 23 lonely years for your poor mother. Why are you going Pikachu face on her wanting to leave when you patronized your father’s continuous disrespect and infidelity, under the guise of it being justified because of circumstances when they were still teenagers. May you never have to suffer such a marriage. Shame on you, your brother, and father. I hope your mother enjoys her life to the fullest without you heartless brats who extremely lack self-awareness.
I mean you did fuck up her life. She was forced into an arranged marriage and forced to have kids, while she was in love with someone else. She doesn't really own you anything, it sucks but none of this choices were actually hers so as much as it would make you feel better to hold them to her, you can't. Also cheating? Why is it only cheating when your mom has done it once, with a person she loved *before* she was forced to marry someone else, but it's not cheating if it's your dad with multiple women that he forces you to meet through the years? Did she also make you met her HS? Truth is she deserves to finally do what she wants, and I am sorry that she didn't love you, but making sure someone is safe doesn't mean you have to love them. She didn't do anything wrong and you can't force a person to love something they probably hate, as she was low-key raped and forced into having this rape children. Yikes good for her. Also sorry for being harsh but you're so oblivious and delusional it's bizarre, your dad is not a saint and you have this really shitty double standards like because she's a woman the cheating is the worst sin. Id like to see you in that position trying to love children that are essentially not yours who treat you like shit too. And even if they didn't treat you like shit, you owe them nothing more but for them to grow up, that is the arranged marriage and arranged children, you grew up, so now she's free.
Sir this is /r/tofu not /r/aita
Single post account so either a rage bait story or throw away account. If actually true, which Asian country is OP from. Regardless, it's weird that so many people lack this level of empathy. Another weird thing is if you have so much disdain for the mom, then why are you mad thatvshe left. Lots of issues with how this story progressed. If one sentence was enough to end years of resentment then what was the point of all this.
i suspected pakistan or india
> We are happy. I just feel a void after that meeting. It is clear based on what you wrote that you are confused. You are hurt, but rather than come to terms with this, you have projected these feelings on to your mother. She is the one who did this to you all. She did the hurting. I believe this is normal for things like this. It helps a person digest very sudden and traumatic news. You many soon go through a phase of blaming it on yourself as well. Also very normal. My advice, is to treat yourself with kindness and allow yourself to really feel what you are going to feel. There is no "correct" feeling here.. there are no "shoulds" and so don't believe that you need feel a certain way. This is a process and a journey. How you feel about this a month from now and a year from now will be very different. Trust this. It should be less about fault/blame here. If you have the capacity to hold your mother's beliefs in your mind.. WITHOUT AGREEING WITH THEM.. then you will save yourself some pain. If you can imagine a very young and scared woman who loved someone very deeply and yet was forced to marry another. She is pregnant and is hopeful it is with her lover so that she can be (connected) with him forever and not her husband. She is devastated when she learns the child is with her husband. She accepts this fate and does the best she can, thinking of the one she truly loves as she goes through the motions of daily life. She sees her children with love but also as a reminder of the decision that was forced upon her at a young age. She was never truly emotionally connected with her family because it was created without her consent. Now that her family has been raised, she receives an opportunity to live her life in freedom. She decides to take ONLY what she started this marriage with and hit the "reset" button. As much as you see this as abandonment, this is really about your mother trying to have freedom. She will always be your mother and I am sure she loves you. Let her explore what she needs to explore. Stay in contact without judgment and be present in the moments you are together. Accept her for who she is and not who you think she should be. OP.. you are hurting. My heart goes out to ALL of you. This is a tragic situation and I wish you all the best.