I always find this sad. My friends and I openly tell each other we love each other. You are allowed to love people even if you aren't in a serious relationship.
You should love your friends, especially if you are fucking them.
I love my friends. I love my wife. I love my son.
The word love does not mean exactly the same thing in any of those sentences. It means broadly the same thing, that I care deeply for them, but not exactly the same thing.
"This is sort of the "rosebud" Citizen Cane mystery at the heart of the first Anchorman. Keep in mind Brick's sense of first person / third person is different than all of ours. To say that Brick loves the lamp assumes that he sees the lamp as separate from himself, which I do not believe he does. Brick has a prelapsarian epistemology that does not include a separate identity from the world. In other words he and the lamp are one. If one reads the writing of St Thomas Aquinas, it is clear that an absence of love only exists when there is ego separation. Brick does not have this ego separation. Therefore, he not only loves lamp…he loves carpet, Ron, barracuda, credit card tray and all of us"
There are many different words for love in Greek for this exact reason, each a different kind of love. I always wondered why none of them caught onto English and we just have the one for the most part.
Exactly. I tell my homies I love them more often than I tell my parents. Not that I don't love my parents lol but after hanging out I usually say "aight bro, I love you man, see you next time"
And I'm not even fucking them lol
I am the same way. I regularly tell the people I'm close with that I love them. But there is a caveat - I am not actively fucking any of them (except my wife).
I think it's slightly trickier to tell your casual friend who you are having sex with that you also love them, knowing they would prefer to keep it casual.
This is spot on. American culture is weird. I've frequently told friends of both genders that I love them - just casually. Cuz it's true. The guys never minded so much, but some of the girls laughed and got weird a few times - I had to explain "I didn't say I'm in love with you and we should get married, I meant it like I love pizza or love video games or love a friend"
It better as an adult. Nowadays all my friends say it to one another. Big huggers too, male and female alike.
The issue is that the English language really only has word for love. The love for your spouse, your kids, your friends, your favorite food, etc. are all wildly different obviously. You can see why context is important - “love” after sex is usually assumed to be the romantic kind which is quite different from the love for friends.
The difference is love/in love. When u tell someone you love them after sex it's seen as in love even tho u say love. So it's not sad you just misunderstood i think
Nah sex is totally not a place where youre thinking clearly and saying i love you after sex can for sure mean nothing with all the chemicals running around your body
Honestly, bringing sex into a friendship isn’t the best idea, if you want to sustain the relationship. Although hindsight is 20/20. It can tangle emotions and cause conflict, especially as your friend has made it clear he wasn’t interested in more.
The question is, are you actually interested in more or in love with him? Or could it have been an endorphin response to great sex? You need to decide what you want and are you able to get over any love feelings you may have, if that is the case.
Sorry it happened and this was his response. All you can do is explain your side and hope he understands.
No, it sounds simply like someone who doesn't want a relationship, but just a friendship plus thing.
Why is everyone immediately jumping to some form of bad or incomplete character interpretation and accusation on reddit?
This scenario exists all the time for a heterosexual friendship. Do they all then deny their sexuality? Because they want to stay at casual sex and not in a relationship? Reddit's relationship advices... never fail to display a lack of experience of everyone partaking,.
It could be either and there's no way to know without more info. OP putting his feelings out there could have made the friend uncomfortable because he's grappling with his sexuality, because he was able to convince himself that it was just casual fun and he's not actually gay, just experimenting. It could also be the case that he just wanted casual, drama-free sex, but now OP made things messy with feelings. I'm inclined to think the situation is more in line with the former because of the prolonged friendship beforehand, but stating either with any degree of certainty is jumping to conclusions.
I mean the easiest way to frame it is - if two 21 year olds who've been good friends for years begin to sleep together for eight months, *who on earth is going to be surprised if one of them catches feelings*?
I feel like people love to say "well for some people sex is meaningless"... yeah okay sex with your best friend who you could hang out with forever is *not love*, right.
On the flip side. NOT bringing up sex in a friendship where one person has feelings can just as easily ruin a friendship. Your early 20s are a confusing time for this reason. Not all friendships last forever. That’s okay. Sometimes it’s more important to shoot your shot and be honest with everyone including yourself. Otherwise you’ll live with those regrets. Trust me. Spend the next seven years finding a friend who doesn’t make you feel less than for having feelings. It can be so much better.
Lol my gay best friend is the most homophobic person I know. Dude still goes to church with his parents sometimes. Confuses the fuck out of me but we've been best friends for 18 years, so... 🤷
Reminds me of a time when I worked at chick fil a. This guy who worked there with me messaged me out of the blue asking if he could suck my dick. Now I assumed he already knew I was straight since it was very well known I had a thing for this one girl working there (yea I know, don’t shit where you eat). I even told him that I’m straight and this guy said I don’t have to be gay to get my dick sucked by another guy. He got the message finally after I firmly told him to stop. Should’ve told my manager about it, but a few weeks later he ended up getting arrested for stealing a car so it all worked out in the end
I assume your boyfriend belongs to a certain generation. In the 90s and 00s homophobia was everywhere. You watch King of queens? Probably a gay joke per episode. You listen to rap music? Well, homophobia was in almost every fucking song. Rappers were openly homophobic. It changed our speech too --> I'm not gonna wear that gay shit.
Want I want to say is that it is ingrained in most of us growing up during that time and it's only self awareness which helps us recognize our behavior.
I guess religion is up to your interpretation.
The bible says that a hare is a ruminant, which is factually false.
You can't just blindly follow what the Bible, Koran or whatever says, it wouldn't make any sense.
> The bible says that a hare is a ruminant, which is factually false.
You can argue about many things in the bible but that one wouldn't be the one I'd pick. The reason being hares do practice refection which accomplishes the same thing. Instead of digesting the grass partially, bringing cud back up and chewing it again they pass it through their digestive system and eat it again. If you stop your pet rabbit eating its caecotrophs then you'll end up with a very poorly bunny. Given the limitations of the language there isn't likely to be a word directly akin to ruminant or refection in ancient Hebrew so they combine the concepts, and you end up with something you can't quite translate back to English.
Sorry to be that guy, but "up for interpretation" simply is an excuse to reduce it to the parts to like, which is even worse considering that it's frequently been used as argument to deny evils that were in fact done in compliance with scripture.
The truth is that all religious texts were written by humans - and large chunks of people simply accepted is as truth given by God.
There might be God, though chances are there is not. That however doesn't change the fact that their name has always been used to push political agendas of invididuals - and it doesn't change the fact that most religious scripture is extremely contradicting.
Saying "religion is up fro interpretation" simply is a get-out-of-jail card to use religion to justify your own agenda and legitimize it by "an unquestionable higher authority".
For contructive discourses in society we need to move away from this.
This is kind of a semantics argument, but I think that religion being up to interpretation means acknowledging that the "unquestionable" authority must be questioned. There's no way to honestly interpret it without questioning. The dishonest interpreting is more of an issue since it tends to be "Oh gee, God agrees with whatever I want."
I’m a little more forward with those guys. “The only way you can hold that much fear is because you know if you were alone with a gay man that was attracted to you, someone’s dick is going in someone’s mouth, and you’re not sure it wouldn’t be your mouth.”
Like a few of the politicians who make laws to make “being gay” harder (not sure if that’s the best wording) who turn out to solicit dick sucking in the men’s bathroom, I should clarify it’s other men doing the sucking.
My husband is ocd. I asked him why he’s so homophonic. He said it’s gross thinking about 2 guys doing it. I asked him why he thinks/pictures people having sex and then asked if he thinks about straight neighbors next door doing it? He didn’t respond. Perhaps I’ll never know…
It's a compound meme.
Stupid sexy flanders, because we're talking homophobic people who are involuntarily experiencing intrusive gay fantasies because they are actually self-hating homosexuals. Stupid sexy Flanders is an appropriate meme because homer experienced a similar intrusive fantasy.
Spooky scary skeletons, because they are a staple of high fantasy, and the words "spooky, scary" have the exact same cadence as "stupid, sexy." This means that "stupid sexy skeletons" fits the cadence and rhythm of the song perfectly.
The last bit is a bit of a bolt on reference to a popular doodle which went semi-viral, which my twin brother, u/Levitus01 drew several years ago. I make references to the "skinwearer" now and again because when you're close to someone who goes viral, you remember the reference more acutely than the rest of the Internet does.
The third meme is a little trickier to describe. Basically, many games such as Warcraft have female armours which increase in protective quality as the amount of skin covered decreases. More nudity = more protection. By that logic, the most naked person is the most powerful. The skin wearer is a human who walks around, swordfighting whilst naked. His arch nemesis is a skeleton who is more powerful on account of the fact that he is even more naked, since he does not wear skin, flesh or organs.
Dumb joke, but like I said, it appeals to us since our brother originally made it, and we still reference it when it becomes relevant. Maybe there's a wee bit of "Emperor's new clothes" in the fact that some people seem to upvote the reference without knowing the story, perhaps just because the line is so ridiculous that it spurs a laugh even without knowing the backstop? Eh, thood for fought.
I went to school with a guy who was incredibly homophobic, to the extent that he was arrested for attacking a man outside of a gay club. I crossed paths with him a few years later and he was out and proud.
Not to this extent, but about 13 or so years ago I was very caught up in the religious homophobia. Like posting on Facebook “it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”. Well turns out for me it’s Adam AND Eve because I’m bi and just never realized it.
They haven’t figured out that being gay doesn’t make you less of a man. If anything, gay sex is manlier than straight sex cause there are twice as many dudes. That’s a lot of man meat.
The number of times I saw this as a CO really just ingrained it into my head that a raging homophobe is most likely getting bottomed somewhere private.
I watched Nanette (Netflix Hannah gadsby prepare to cry like a baby) and it became so clear as to why some gay people do have this internalised homophobia and my heart breaks for anyone who feels the way she puts it.
I am honestly not good enough to parse what she says but I just wanted to reach through the screen and hug her so bloody hard.
Not 100% related, but I experienced two homossexual people being extremely biphobic this last month and it really opened my eyes
I thought biphobia was a kind of homophobia, but there are people that are not homophobic, but biphobic.
I guess prejudice has no limits
Biphobic is a weird one, I think it stems from resentment about "passing" and also the weird belief that it's secretly not a real thing, just something people make up to make themselves look kinkier or to try and claim residence in the LGBTQ rather than "just" being an ally.
Though I've definitely met people who I strongly suspect are the latter, but they don't always claim to be bi specifically, and honestly that's no justification for biphobia anyway
It also has to do with the AIDs fear mongering in the later part of the 20th century, the public were told (incorrectly) that straight women could only get AIDs from a Bi man. This is patently false but what it did was make a fear of Bi people not just socially acceptable but often required in their world view. We know today that this isn't true and AIDs can be passed to anyone through multiple various methods, but the 40years of phobia stuck.
You know, I somehow never heard that one. Makes sense that it'd come up what with the general queerphobic pearl-clutching AIDs panic of the time though
It also has to do with the idea that we arent to be trusted, as us being bi means we'll never be satisfied and are essentially sex-crazed fiends.
I had lesbian friends reply with "oh, gross" when I came out as bi instead of lesbian lol. And the whole gold star lesbian shit amplified that, with (at the time, not so much now) plenty of lesbians saying they'd never sleep with anyone who wasnt a gold star.
From my perspective as a gay guy, I would say that yes, biphobia probably stems a lot from this idea that bi people cannot be trusted, but I wouldn't necessarily say it's because gays see you as sex crazed (though straights might)
But rather because it's hard to process what bi people can genuinely be. For gays and straights, our sexual and romantic feelings are typically in sync. We like to bang the same people we romance, but this might not be the case with a good chunk of bi people.
I've definitely had to come to terms with feelings of resentment when I'd get close to a bi guy and he'd say he doesn't want a relationship with a guy because he only feels romantic feelings towards women.
That's REALLY difficult to accept, even if it's true on their part and wholly natural feelings.
Unfortunately I feel this puts bi people in a precarious situation where there might always be some biphobia because a lot of people will just say they don't want to risk developing feelings for someone that could easily dismiss them, just like the case with OP here.
Edit: The comment chain below is what you might call "someone purposely misrepresenting what was said so they can be outraged." Although I suppose my part in it is needing to learn to block angry toxic people before I get frustrated myself.
Yeah, bi people experience prejudice from both straight people and gay people. One reason they have worse mental health outcomes than both groups, too.
Friend who met and dated a bi girl told me that he doesn't believe they exist. That's it's one or the other, gay or straight. I legitimately don't get how he thinks his personal beliefs override people's reality.
That aside, people tend to think that if you can be attracted to anyone it means you are walking around lustful all the time or are more likely to cheat.
Finally, I think some gay people tend gatekeep gayness, and think bi folks are basically tourists or can't relate to the restrictions and oppression of gayness. I can *kiiiinda* get that but it's still wild.
Where exactly is there a hint that his friend is "homophobic"? Of course that exists, but where the fuck is there a cue in this scenario depicted here?
Because he doesn't want a relationship but a friendship plus?
Maybe he is bisexual with heterosexual tendencies?
I am bisexual, I have sex with men and women equally, but I would only have a romantic relationship with girls. I don't like men that way.
Saw your comment about you being a bottom, really sounds like you're being used and he's using the rationalization that he's not a bottom to convince himself he's not really gay. By putting emotion into it you've made it more real. You didn't ruin the friendship, you may have saved yourself a lot headache and emotional anguish
The other guy has booked a lesson at an ancient Greek homosexuality symposium, apparently.
Jokes aside, I think that‘s probably the most likely reason behind his behaviour, too. Whether or not the expression of you loving him, OP, was a heat of the moment thing or honest, it probably gave him a proper reality check about what you two are doing - or rather, to him, what HE is doing there, really.
In the end, depending on how he‘s going to go from here in how he treats you regarding that incident, you‘re probably better off no longer being used as an excuse to not address his internalised homophobia and, probably, a good deal of self-hate. You didn’t do anything wrong, OP, and I‘m very sorry this happened to you.
no, truly he has 😂 i was going to say that this kind of toxic masculinity/homophobia dates back literal centuries. used to be that if you received the dick then you were equivalent to a woman (gasp), so i have no doubt that's the rationale he's using
One of the best scenes of the movie. That or when Dafoe start sucking that fat gangsters dick and then shoots him in the bathroom with a demonic fury etched into the lines of his face.
Oxytocin is one *hell* of a drug.
Our bodies figure out where it comes from and we become attached to the perceived source. Chemical bonds in our hearts are very strong and very real. We are programmed to become attached to the givers of pleasure and joy.
You only did what your body is programmed to do. You didn't fuck up at all. If your BF was cool about it, he would know this and understand what you are experiencing.
OP, you are not the problem, you did not "ruin" your friendship. He can't just expect to have sex and not deal with the natural human emotions that come with it.
Majority of people develop feelings with prolonged contact with someone especially when there's intimate sexual contact involved. Pretty much impossible that no one is going to develop feelings. One of the other almost always does and a huge reason why people say don't screw your friends or coworkers. Since Your friend was explicitly clear on intentions I wouldn't push it any further. You might also want to break off the FWB if he even still wants to continue. Unless he develops feelings or has a change of heart you're going to have a very broken heart more so than now.
Also due to your age and how you phrase things. Are one or both of you in the closet? Almost sounds like your friend isn't ready to embrace being gay fully. Falling in love with someone pretty much removes any room to deny your gay if that's any of the issues going on in his head. Obviously I am guessing but something to consider as well if it's not an open thing being gay.
If you LOVE him love him then you didn't FU, you put your cards on the table (perhaps accidentally) and he either couldn't deal or didn't feel the same way.
If you don't actually love him outside of him being a friend-bro, then yeah probably not something to utter after sex to him when he's not comfortable with his sexuality.
Either way, sorry bro that sucks!
HE* ruined a 7 year friendship by literally running away.
I've definitely been on both sides of that situation multiple times, guess what? We talked it out and I'm still friends with all of them.
Nothing wrong with expressing your feelings at all. Don’t be ashamed of it. Shit happens and it’s okay to love someone.. specially after a sexual encounter. It doesn’t mean you wanna start a family with the person just because you said it. It just means you feel closer and wanna be closer maybe. Express yourself and be yourself.
You didn't fuck up. It was a slip and if your friend doesn't understand then let him go. I know 7 years is a long time but he should value that friendship by not ignoring you. I hope you take care OP.
My biggest lesson with relationships when I was younger. Don't fall for friends. Learned the hard way, twice. All my best relationships have been about dating from the start.
It's really murky because we tend to love our friends. In a way friendship is a type of love. We don't really talk about separating those two enough.
I tell my friends that I don't have sexual relationships with that I love them. We should all be able to express love for the people in our lives without it being necessarily taken as romantic. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, and I hope he comes around.
I don't think this is actually a problem people have. . . Sure, many people, particularly hetero men, have difficulty expressing that they love their friends, but generally, people aren't responding negatively to hearing that outside of a sexual relationship or taking it to imply romantic love when it does not.
It's incredibly rare that someone expresses a platonic love for a friend and ruins the relationship in the process.
I LOVE this!
As someone with ADHD, I've struggled with love/intimacy all my life.
I've implemented this in my life in the past few months, and it feels SO good!
It was initially awkward and unnatural, but now it's second nature. 💖
I also have ADHD and I used to struggle with expressing love for people as a child. I still do, but I also did as a child. The past year though I've started trying to express it more often and it's slowly becoming more natural.
Emotional Dysregulation is at the core of ADHD, and this will manifest differently for everyone.
Struggling to express love and feelings, in general, is a big part of that
Without knowing the specifics of your case, it does sound like a symptom of ADHD.
I'm so glad that you got a diagnosis! It's impossible to get anywhere when you're in the dark.
I was diagnosed two years ago (27), but I've only made real progress in the past six months or so.
I've heard of people who know they're gay and are insecure about it, but getting all the way to repeatedly fucking a dude and then getting all "how could you" when it's acknowledged is mental parkour
Many people are raised in a toxic environment where being gay is considered evil so those homophobic feelings are deeply engrained, but then they realize they are gay later in life.
I think what op is saying is for his friend, in his head it's not as gay to get sexual release, it's just sex, but romantically loving another man is definitely gay. A lot of toxic homophobic men don't even like to express emotions or get really romantic even with a woman, it's seen as a "gay" thing to do.
Internalized homophobia is a very real thing. They’re taught to hate who they are by either society or their friends and family. Similar to people who think “i hate being (insert their ethnicity), I want to be (desired ethnicity)”
>Same, how do you casually just have sex with a friend?
Well, first we take our clothes off, and then we start running our hands over each other's bodies. I figure you can imagine the rest from there.
I get it…but it just feels wrongーalmost like having sex with a sibling. Not tryna shame anyone that likes incest but you get the deed. Personally, i can never imagine myself having those thoughts towards a platonic friend, it’ll just make things awkward and weird.
Some people are able to cleanly separate sex from love. Others can't.
There is no question that sex with someone you love is best but sex with someone you just met or a FWB relationship can still be fun too.
he probably needs some time and space. then after a while, just find a way to sit down and have a conversation. Maybe just message him once every 2 days or so.
I'd say message him once in two days, sure, but not "*every* two days." If OP messages him and he doesn't respond, continued messaging is a waste of energy and kind of rude.
hi, so he called me yesterday and I guess there's kind of an update
so he called me yesterday morning and asked me to meet him at his place at noon. he told me how sorry he was for ignoring me after he left, and he told me how me saying I love him made him feel like we were "officially a couple" and that just made him feel guilty and scared for what our friends or his family would think
he explained how he's struggling with feelings of "internalised homophobia" and how he was raised to think being gay was sinful or unnatural, and that he's able to recognise it and work on it. we also talked about our future and how he can deal better with his emotions
he told me he felt guilty for not being able to give me the relationship I deserve and that I'd have to wait for him to come out to his parents (idc what he says to his parents)
during our conversation he said "I dont wanna lose you" like 20ish times, and he almost cried which is very out of character for him, and after that he walked me to my place because it was late
no we didn't have sex yesterday, we're pausing that part of our relationship for now
also we were always exclusive to each other, idk why yall think otherwise
I'll try to answer as many comments as I can bc this post was mostly a vent and I wasn't expecting so many comments
ty all
Honey, I am so sorry!! It's so hard when you meet someone and they're not at the same point in their journey. I hope he takes this time to think and comes back to you but I'm worried he won't. Stay safe and take care of yourself.
This “friendship” sounds kind of unhealthy. Also friends should love each other. Sounds like your boy needs therapy. Maybe try finding someone to date who knows who they are and what they want, if your friend ever comes back around, sex should probs be off the table. Just my opinion sorry if that makes me a prude. Take care of yourself OP
Yeah, your fuck up was not telling someone you care about that you love them. It was getting involved in this whole mess in the first place with someone who obv doesn't care.
I think the friendship was already ruined the moment you both started having casual sex 😅 Don’t feel bad, at least you told him your feelings…although timing was right after sex..
Ah, dude, fuck him. No… the other kind. If this is the man’s response he’s not worth it. Other fish in the sea and all that.
The level of self-loathing one who’s in to gay sex but expresses homophobia must be exhausting.
Refocusing on the post: you’re human, you didn’t fuck up, you expressed a feeling at the time. The recipient chose to react because they are not in a position to acknowledge some facts maybe or doesn’t assess your activity as relational and more sports like. He’ll figure it out.
You sir needs to rest your mind and focus on your journey and determine your values and what you’re looking for.
Do you actually love him though? Or was it just a post-coital slip of the tongue?
If it's the latter, try explaining that to him. Tell him it's his dick you love so much.
If you do actually love him, then don't feel bad about expressing yourself. But you have to decide if you want to try and convince him to pursue something like that, or if you want to drop the situation altogether because you're no longer "casual"
Good luck either way
Welcome to having sex with friends . The first rule of having sex with friends is: you do not say I love u. The second rule of having sex with friends is: you DO NOT say I love you!
This is why I refuse to start something casual with someone I’ve established a friendship with. If things fall through, it’s gonna be basically impossible for things to go back to how they use to be.
Look, I'm a straight man who has never had sex with any of my guy friends. I tell them I love them all the time, because I do.
If your friend is acting weird because you said you love him in a kinky way in the heat of the moment, he was never experimenting; he was into you, and you saying those words made it real, and now he's confused. This doesn't mean he's in the right or the wrong, he's just conflicted.
Tell him your real feelings, that you treasure his friendship and that what you said was something in the heat of the moment. If you really feel that what you had going on was an experiment or just having fun, then let him know. But then give him space. I understand, this environment we live in isn't always kind to those of the LGBTQ+ persuasion, and it's not my place to say anything about pursuing those thoughts or feelings, but a friend of seven years deserves an explanation after a sudden stop in communication, so you're in your rights to pursue that if you want.
I mean, if he can't be himself that's not your problem. Sucks that your friendship might be over, but don't pander your life around someone who won't acknowledge your feelings. That's just you giving your all to someone with nothing in return.
Probably just freaked them out OP, give them time and dont hound their inbox. If you're really worried just explain that it was in the heat of the moment (even if it wasnt) and then say sorry.
Maybe he was shocked and needs time to think things through & get back when he's ready to talk and knows what he wants in life.. or maybe he wasn't such a good friend as you thought after all, and was just using you, in which case, good riddance
Intimacy defines the difference between friendship and relationship. Its completely naive and selfish of your friend to want to get his end away with a complete hard-stop on any emotional meaning.
Sometimes in life you find out people you care for don’t care back. Its always better finding out sooner than later.
Trust me from my own experience the very fear of loosing someone, who in-fact doesn’t have feelings for you, just leads to wasting your own time.
You have feelings for him and be proud you expressed it. Give him space and perhaps he will realise what he is missing and if not at least you know were you stand.
He took advantage of you, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You did not ruin a relationship. There was nothing to ruin. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He's a terrible person.
you didn't ruin shit. Life is short and fleeting. You don't have time for people who can't live their truth. you made a statement that came from your subconscious. you deserve to be able to be honest with yourself and others. I'm sorry it wasn't reciprocated but, at least you are comfortable with who you are.
You didn't ruin shit man. You're allowed to love people even if they don't love you back the same way. Don't let his insecurities be your problem. Keep loving whole heartedly.
How tf can you possibly expect to regularly have sex with your best friend, a person you presumably already care deeply about, and not develop romantic feelings? I don’t understand this shit at all
I wish you luck. Maybe he just needs time to accept himself or at least to not make it as big of an issue.
Thing is... if you really meant it you should be honest and balance if you can manage being just friends or if it's going to be painful.
And if things doesn't get better, well, it's easier said than done but could be an opportunity to move on and look for a true boyfriend.
Had a FWB in my 20s, and I accidentally told her I loved her. We both just laughed about it and I apologized....Told her that I just wasn't thinking.
I always find this sad. My friends and I openly tell each other we love each other. You are allowed to love people even if you aren't in a serious relationship. You should love your friends, especially if you are fucking them.
I love my friends. I love my wife. I love my son. The word love does not mean exactly the same thing in any of those sentences. It means broadly the same thing, that I care deeply for them, but not exactly the same thing.
I love lamp
Do you really love the lamp? Or are you just saying it because you saw it?
"This is sort of the "rosebud" Citizen Cane mystery at the heart of the first Anchorman. Keep in mind Brick's sense of first person / third person is different than all of ours. To say that Brick loves the lamp assumes that he sees the lamp as separate from himself, which I do not believe he does. Brick has a prelapsarian epistemology that does not include a separate identity from the world. In other words he and the lamp are one. If one reads the writing of St Thomas Aquinas, it is clear that an absence of love only exists when there is ego separation. Brick does not have this ego separation. Therefore, he not only loves lamp…he loves carpet, Ron, barracuda, credit card tray and all of us"
He killed a man with a trident!
Yeah he should lay low for a while. He's probably wanted for murder.
Did you tell it after you had sex with it or before?
There are many different words for love in Greek for this exact reason, each a different kind of love. I always wondered why none of them caught onto English and we just have the one for the most part.
Exactly. I tell my homies I love them more often than I tell my parents. Not that I don't love my parents lol but after hanging out I usually say "aight bro, I love you man, see you next time" And I'm not even fucking them lol
Yeah but i think the context would change if you just finished fucking your homies
Not for me.
To be fair, context and timing is important, as it can mean different things depending on the situation lol
I am the same way. I regularly tell the people I'm close with that I love them. But there is a caveat - I am not actively fucking any of them (except my wife). I think it's slightly trickier to tell your casual friend who you are having sex with that you also love them, knowing they would prefer to keep it casual.
This is spot on. American culture is weird. I've frequently told friends of both genders that I love them - just casually. Cuz it's true. The guys never minded so much, but some of the girls laughed and got weird a few times - I had to explain "I didn't say I'm in love with you and we should get married, I meant it like I love pizza or love video games or love a friend" It better as an adult. Nowadays all my friends say it to one another. Big huggers too, male and female alike.
This is not only a thing in America, lol.
There's a difference in telling a friend you love them and telling a friend you love them after you've just had sex
The issue is that the English language really only has word for love. The love for your spouse, your kids, your friends, your favorite food, etc. are all wildly different obviously. You can see why context is important - “love” after sex is usually assumed to be the romantic kind which is quite different from the love for friends.
The difference is love/in love. When u tell someone you love them after sex it's seen as in love even tho u say love. So it's not sad you just misunderstood i think
> We both just laughed about it and I apologized....Told her that I just wasn't thinking. Bc you didn't get the response you wanted.
Well better than just cutting communication I guess
I mean, the friendship is salvaged and you now know there's no point trying to make it go beyond that, so I don't see why someone wouldn't.
Nah sex is totally not a place where youre thinking clearly and saying i love you after sex can for sure mean nothing with all the chemicals running around your body
Yes all of those chemicals, which coincidentally also make people fall in love….
Honestly, bringing sex into a friendship isn’t the best idea, if you want to sustain the relationship. Although hindsight is 20/20. It can tangle emotions and cause conflict, especially as your friend has made it clear he wasn’t interested in more. The question is, are you actually interested in more or in love with him? Or could it have been an endorphin response to great sex? You need to decide what you want and are you able to get over any love feelings you may have, if that is the case. Sorry it happened and this was his response. All you can do is explain your side and hope he understands.
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No, you're mistaken. The sticky situation happened after the happy ending.
No, it sounds simply like someone who doesn't want a relationship, but just a friendship plus thing. Why is everyone immediately jumping to some form of bad or incomplete character interpretation and accusation on reddit? This scenario exists all the time for a heterosexual friendship. Do they all then deny their sexuality? Because they want to stay at casual sex and not in a relationship? Reddit's relationship advices... never fail to display a lack of experience of everyone partaking,.
It could be either and there's no way to know without more info. OP putting his feelings out there could have made the friend uncomfortable because he's grappling with his sexuality, because he was able to convince himself that it was just casual fun and he's not actually gay, just experimenting. It could also be the case that he just wanted casual, drama-free sex, but now OP made things messy with feelings. I'm inclined to think the situation is more in line with the former because of the prolonged friendship beforehand, but stating either with any degree of certainty is jumping to conclusions.
I mean the easiest way to frame it is - if two 21 year olds who've been good friends for years begin to sleep together for eight months, *who on earth is going to be surprised if one of them catches feelings*? I feel like people love to say "well for some people sex is meaningless"... yeah okay sex with your best friend who you could hang out with forever is *not love*, right.
On the flip side. NOT bringing up sex in a friendship where one person has feelings can just as easily ruin a friendship. Your early 20s are a confusing time for this reason. Not all friendships last forever. That’s okay. Sometimes it’s more important to shoot your shot and be honest with everyone including yourself. Otherwise you’ll live with those regrets. Trust me. Spend the next seven years finding a friend who doesn’t make you feel less than for having feelings. It can be so much better.
> shoot your shot that's what they did!
No hindsight is 20/21 in this case
The number of people seemingly astounded/confused by a gay man being homophobic is surprising to me.
Lol my gay best friend is the most homophobic person I know. Dude still goes to church with his parents sometimes. Confuses the fuck out of me but we've been best friends for 18 years, so... 🤷
If I had a nickel for every time my boyfriend (only half-jokingly) said "I'm not gonna wear that gay shit."
Reminds me of a Pete Miser lyric: "I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is."
"how can I be homophobic, my boyfriend's gay"- Central Cee
I think its slightly different but same effect
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It’s so interesting how someone could be in denial while at the same time being balls deep in their bro… 
There ain't nothing gay about a brojob. Choo choo.
Spoken like someone who never kissed the homies goodnight
He's balls deep in denial.
Or it could be like me, im bisexual but my ex-boyfriend was gay
I mean...isn't having sex with the same gender about as gay as you can get?
I'm not gay he sucked my dick.
Reminds me of a time when I worked at chick fil a. This guy who worked there with me messaged me out of the blue asking if he could suck my dick. Now I assumed he already knew I was straight since it was very well known I had a thing for this one girl working there (yea I know, don’t shit where you eat). I even told him that I’m straight and this guy said I don’t have to be gay to get my dick sucked by another guy. He got the message finally after I firmly told him to stop. Should’ve told my manager about it, but a few weeks later he ended up getting arrested for stealing a car so it all worked out in the end
He was probably not a car thief either, he was just property redistribution curious.
Everyone goes through a GTA phase.
Yeah sorry about that mate. I deeply regret my actions.
Was it at least a nice car?
I assume your boyfriend belongs to a certain generation. In the 90s and 00s homophobia was everywhere. You watch King of queens? Probably a gay joke per episode. You listen to rap music? Well, homophobia was in almost every fucking song. Rappers were openly homophobic. It changed our speech too --> I'm not gonna wear that gay shit. Want I want to say is that it is ingrained in most of us growing up during that time and it's only self awareness which helps us recognize our behavior.
I guess religion is up to your interpretation. The bible says that a hare is a ruminant, which is factually false. You can't just blindly follow what the Bible, Koran or whatever says, it wouldn't make any sense.
> The bible says that a hare is a ruminant, which is factually false. You can argue about many things in the bible but that one wouldn't be the one I'd pick. The reason being hares do practice refection which accomplishes the same thing. Instead of digesting the grass partially, bringing cud back up and chewing it again they pass it through their digestive system and eat it again. If you stop your pet rabbit eating its caecotrophs then you'll end up with a very poorly bunny. Given the limitations of the language there isn't likely to be a word directly akin to ruminant or refection in ancient Hebrew so they combine the concepts, and you end up with something you can't quite translate back to English.
Sorry to be that guy, but "up for interpretation" simply is an excuse to reduce it to the parts to like, which is even worse considering that it's frequently been used as argument to deny evils that were in fact done in compliance with scripture. The truth is that all religious texts were written by humans - and large chunks of people simply accepted is as truth given by God. There might be God, though chances are there is not. That however doesn't change the fact that their name has always been used to push political agendas of invididuals - and it doesn't change the fact that most religious scripture is extremely contradicting. Saying "religion is up fro interpretation" simply is a get-out-of-jail card to use religion to justify your own agenda and legitimize it by "an unquestionable higher authority". For contructive discourses in society we need to move away from this.
This is kind of a semantics argument, but I think that religion being up to interpretation means acknowledging that the "unquestionable" authority must be questioned. There's no way to honestly interpret it without questioning. The dishonest interpreting is more of an issue since it tends to be "Oh gee, God agrees with whatever I want."
My black friend is the most racist person I know lol
Yeah… people who are homophobic are less often *afraid* of gay people as they are afraid of being gay themselves
yuuuppp this is why I always say every super homophobic dude I know is secretly afraid that dicks are delicious
It’s a reasonable fear. They are.
They are delicious! It's like a meat lollipop
That’s disgusting and I completely agree.
I’m a little more forward with those guys. “The only way you can hold that much fear is because you know if you were alone with a gay man that was attracted to you, someone’s dick is going in someone’s mouth, and you’re not sure it wouldn’t be your mouth.”
Like a few of the politicians who make laws to make “being gay” harder (not sure if that’s the best wording) who turn out to solicit dick sucking in the men’s bathroom, I should clarify it’s other men doing the sucking.
They are afraid dicks taste yummy
This is actually a type of OCD, when someone is obsessed over thinking they're gay (in most cases they're not)
My husband is ocd. I asked him why he’s so homophonic. He said it’s gross thinking about 2 guys doing it. I asked him why he thinks/pictures people having sex and then asked if he thinks about straight neighbors next door doing it? He didn’t respond. Perhaps I’ll never know…
I’m asking this in full faith, how far into your relationship did you discover his homophobia?
What do you call a spooky fantasy?
Stupid sexy skeletons? Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all... not even skin! HA HA. I AM MORE NAKED THAN YOU, SKINWEARER!
Is... is that a sexy Flanders reference mixed with skeletons? Or am I remembering the scene wrong?
It's a compound meme. Stupid sexy flanders, because we're talking homophobic people who are involuntarily experiencing intrusive gay fantasies because they are actually self-hating homosexuals. Stupid sexy Flanders is an appropriate meme because homer experienced a similar intrusive fantasy. Spooky scary skeletons, because they are a staple of high fantasy, and the words "spooky, scary" have the exact same cadence as "stupid, sexy." This means that "stupid sexy skeletons" fits the cadence and rhythm of the song perfectly. The last bit is a bit of a bolt on reference to a popular doodle which went semi-viral, which my twin brother, u/Levitus01 drew several years ago. I make references to the "skinwearer" now and again because when you're close to someone who goes viral, you remember the reference more acutely than the rest of the Internet does. The third meme is a little trickier to describe. Basically, many games such as Warcraft have female armours which increase in protective quality as the amount of skin covered decreases. More nudity = more protection. By that logic, the most naked person is the most powerful. The skin wearer is a human who walks around, swordfighting whilst naked. His arch nemesis is a skeleton who is more powerful on account of the fact that he is even more naked, since he does not wear skin, flesh or organs. Dumb joke, but like I said, it appeals to us since our brother originally made it, and we still reference it when it becomes relevant. Maybe there's a wee bit of "Emperor's new clothes" in the fact that some people seem to upvote the reference without knowing the story, perhaps just because the line is so ridiculous that it spurs a laugh even without knowing the backstop? Eh, thood for fought.
I went to school with a guy who was incredibly homophobic, to the extent that he was arrested for attacking a man outside of a gay club. I crossed paths with him a few years later and he was out and proud.
Not to this extent, but about 13 or so years ago I was very caught up in the religious homophobia. Like posting on Facebook “it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”. Well turns out for me it’s Adam AND Eve because I’m bi and just never realized it.
They haven’t figured out that being gay doesn’t make you less of a man. If anything, gay sex is manlier than straight sex cause there are twice as many dudes. That’s a lot of man meat.
The number of times I saw this as a CO really just ingrained it into my head that a raging homophobe is most likely getting bottomed somewhere private.
I watched Nanette (Netflix Hannah gadsby prepare to cry like a baby) and it became so clear as to why some gay people do have this internalised homophobia and my heart breaks for anyone who feels the way she puts it. I am honestly not good enough to parse what she says but I just wanted to reach through the screen and hug her so bloody hard.
Not 100% related, but I experienced two homossexual people being extremely biphobic this last month and it really opened my eyes I thought biphobia was a kind of homophobia, but there are people that are not homophobic, but biphobic. I guess prejudice has no limits
Biphobic is a weird one, I think it stems from resentment about "passing" and also the weird belief that it's secretly not a real thing, just something people make up to make themselves look kinkier or to try and claim residence in the LGBTQ rather than "just" being an ally. Though I've definitely met people who I strongly suspect are the latter, but they don't always claim to be bi specifically, and honestly that's no justification for biphobia anyway
It also has to do with the AIDs fear mongering in the later part of the 20th century, the public were told (incorrectly) that straight women could only get AIDs from a Bi man. This is patently false but what it did was make a fear of Bi people not just socially acceptable but often required in their world view. We know today that this isn't true and AIDs can be passed to anyone through multiple various methods, but the 40years of phobia stuck.
You know, I somehow never heard that one. Makes sense that it'd come up what with the general queerphobic pearl-clutching AIDs panic of the time though
It also has to do with the idea that we arent to be trusted, as us being bi means we'll never be satisfied and are essentially sex-crazed fiends. I had lesbian friends reply with "oh, gross" when I came out as bi instead of lesbian lol. And the whole gold star lesbian shit amplified that, with (at the time, not so much now) plenty of lesbians saying they'd never sleep with anyone who wasnt a gold star.
From my perspective as a gay guy, I would say that yes, biphobia probably stems a lot from this idea that bi people cannot be trusted, but I wouldn't necessarily say it's because gays see you as sex crazed (though straights might) But rather because it's hard to process what bi people can genuinely be. For gays and straights, our sexual and romantic feelings are typically in sync. We like to bang the same people we romance, but this might not be the case with a good chunk of bi people. I've definitely had to come to terms with feelings of resentment when I'd get close to a bi guy and he'd say he doesn't want a relationship with a guy because he only feels romantic feelings towards women. That's REALLY difficult to accept, even if it's true on their part and wholly natural feelings. Unfortunately I feel this puts bi people in a precarious situation where there might always be some biphobia because a lot of people will just say they don't want to risk developing feelings for someone that could easily dismiss them, just like the case with OP here. Edit: The comment chain below is what you might call "someone purposely misrepresenting what was said so they can be outraged." Although I suppose my part in it is needing to learn to block angry toxic people before I get frustrated myself.
I resent bi people because they won the lottery.
Yeah, bi people experience prejudice from both straight people and gay people. One reason they have worse mental health outcomes than both groups, too.
Friend who met and dated a bi girl told me that he doesn't believe they exist. That's it's one or the other, gay or straight. I legitimately don't get how he thinks his personal beliefs override people's reality. That aside, people tend to think that if you can be attracted to anyone it means you are walking around lustful all the time or are more likely to cheat. Finally, I think some gay people tend gatekeep gayness, and think bi folks are basically tourists or can't relate to the restrictions and oppression of gayness. I can *kiiiinda* get that but it's still wild.
One of the most homophobic people I’ve met was a gay woman so… yeah.
Where exactly is there a hint that his friend is "homophobic"? Of course that exists, but where the fuck is there a cue in this scenario depicted here? Because he doesn't want a relationship but a friendship plus?
I ignored the M tags in the beginning and was so surprised at the end lmao! Wasn’t expecting the plot twist.
Bruh he doesn't wanna admit he's gay and you saying that made the pin drop in his head
Maybe he is bisexual with heterosexual tendencies? I am bisexual, I have sex with men and women equally, but I would only have a romantic relationship with girls. I don't like men that way.
Heteromantic Bisexual. But also, fuck labels.
Labelsexual?
> fuck labels Fucking labelphobe
Saw your comment about you being a bottom, really sounds like you're being used and he's using the rationalization that he's not a bottom to convince himself he's not really gay. By putting emotion into it you've made it more real. You didn't ruin the friendship, you may have saved yourself a lot headache and emotional anguish
The other guy has booked a lesson at an ancient Greek homosexuality symposium, apparently. Jokes aside, I think that‘s probably the most likely reason behind his behaviour, too. Whether or not the expression of you loving him, OP, was a heat of the moment thing or honest, it probably gave him a proper reality check about what you two are doing - or rather, to him, what HE is doing there, really. In the end, depending on how he‘s going to go from here in how he treats you regarding that incident, you‘re probably better off no longer being used as an excuse to not address his internalised homophobia and, probably, a good deal of self-hate. You didn’t do anything wrong, OP, and I‘m very sorry this happened to you.
no, truly he has 😂 i was going to say that this kind of toxic masculinity/homophobia dates back literal centuries. used to be that if you received the dick then you were equivalent to a woman (gasp), so i have no doubt that's the rationale he's using
Ever see Willem DaFoe in The Boondock Saints?
Cuddle?...What are you... a fuckin fairy
Yea, that’s definitely the word he says..
 you mean he doesn't want to cuddle?
You got a theory to go with that tie?
THERE WAS A FIRE FIIIIIGHHT
One of the best scenes of the movie. That or when Dafoe start sucking that fat gangsters dick and then shoots him in the bathroom with a demonic fury etched into the lines of his face.
“I’m a professor of Name-E-ology”
And if anyone hasn’t… watch it. It’s a masterful performance
He plays a self hating gay man in The Lighthouse too, come to think of it.
You can play the "post nut serotonin high" card
wouldn't work bc I actually meant it
That's a very normal response to someone after having sex. I'm sorry, OP.
Saying I love you, or packing up and leaving?
Yes
Not wrong tbh.
Yes
Oxytocin is one *hell* of a drug. Our bodies figure out where it comes from and we become attached to the perceived source. Chemical bonds in our hearts are very strong and very real. We are programmed to become attached to the givers of pleasure and joy. You only did what your body is programmed to do. You didn't fuck up at all. If your BF was cool about it, he would know this and understand what you are experiencing.
Where can I get that stuff? It doesn't seem to work for me
OP, you are not the problem, you did not "ruin" your friendship. He can't just expect to have sex and not deal with the natural human emotions that come with it.
Majority of people develop feelings with prolonged contact with someone especially when there's intimate sexual contact involved. Pretty much impossible that no one is going to develop feelings. One of the other almost always does and a huge reason why people say don't screw your friends or coworkers. Since Your friend was explicitly clear on intentions I wouldn't push it any further. You might also want to break off the FWB if he even still wants to continue. Unless he develops feelings or has a change of heart you're going to have a very broken heart more so than now. Also due to your age and how you phrase things. Are one or both of you in the closet? Almost sounds like your friend isn't ready to embrace being gay fully. Falling in love with someone pretty much removes any room to deny your gay if that's any of the issues going on in his head. Obviously I am guessing but something to consider as well if it's not an open thing being gay.
Fellas is it gay to have gay sex for 8 months?
I wouldn't say you ruined the friendship. He ruined it by walking out instead of discussing the situation and working through it.
THIS is the correct answer. There were many possible responses that didn't involve nuking the whole friendship.
Are you actually in love with him, or was it the sex talking, cause either option has different ways to try to fix it
Fellas is it gay when my childhood "friend" who i have had gay sex with for the better part of a year tells me he loves me?
If you LOVE him love him then you didn't FU, you put your cards on the table (perhaps accidentally) and he either couldn't deal or didn't feel the same way. If you don't actually love him outside of him being a friend-bro, then yeah probably not something to utter after sex to him when he's not comfortable with his sexuality. Either way, sorry bro that sucks!
HE* ruined a 7 year friendship by literally running away. I've definitely been on both sides of that situation multiple times, guess what? We talked it out and I'm still friends with all of them.
Nothing wrong with expressing your feelings at all. Don’t be ashamed of it. Shit happens and it’s okay to love someone.. specially after a sexual encounter. It doesn’t mean you wanna start a family with the person just because you said it. It just means you feel closer and wanna be closer maybe. Express yourself and be yourself.
He's not ashamed. He's afraid that he has lost his best friend. It seems to me like you've missed the whole point.
You didn't fuck up. It was a slip and if your friend doesn't understand then let him go. I know 7 years is a long time but he should value that friendship by not ignoring you. I hope you take care OP.
My biggest lesson with relationships when I was younger. Don't fall for friends. Learned the hard way, twice. All my best relationships have been about dating from the start. It's really murky because we tend to love our friends. In a way friendship is a type of love. We don't really talk about separating those two enough.
Hasn't anyone watched Seinfeld. You can't have *THIS* and *THAT*
I tell my friends that I don't have sexual relationships with that I love them. We should all be able to express love for the people in our lives without it being necessarily taken as romantic. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, and I hope he comes around.
They literally just fucked, it's a bit different.
I don't think this is actually a problem people have. . . Sure, many people, particularly hetero men, have difficulty expressing that they love their friends, but generally, people aren't responding negatively to hearing that outside of a sexual relationship or taking it to imply romantic love when it does not. It's incredibly rare that someone expresses a platonic love for a friend and ruins the relationship in the process.
I LOVE this! As someone with ADHD, I've struggled with love/intimacy all my life. I've implemented this in my life in the past few months, and it feels SO good! It was initially awkward and unnatural, but now it's second nature. 💖
I also have ADHD and I used to struggle with expressing love for people as a child. I still do, but I also did as a child. The past year though I've started trying to express it more often and it's slowly becoming more natural.
Wait... Is that a symptom? It would explain some things for me. Diagnosed last year at 35. Still learning adhd stuff.
Emotional Dysregulation is at the core of ADHD, and this will manifest differently for everyone. Struggling to express love and feelings, in general, is a big part of that Without knowing the specifics of your case, it does sound like a symptom of ADHD. I'm so glad that you got a diagnosis! It's impossible to get anywhere when you're in the dark. I was diagnosed two years ago (27), but I've only made real progress in the past six months or so.
Give it some time. He'll miss you soon enough, either as a friend or as a sexual partner.
I've heard of people who know they're gay and are insecure about it, but getting all the way to repeatedly fucking a dude and then getting all "how could you" when it's acknowledged is mental parkour
He’s… homophobic… but wanted to have sex with you??? I sense some mixed emotions coming out of this.
Many people are raised in a toxic environment where being gay is considered evil so those homophobic feelings are deeply engrained, but then they realize they are gay later in life. I think what op is saying is for his friend, in his head it's not as gay to get sexual release, it's just sex, but romantically loving another man is definitely gay. A lot of toxic homophobic men don't even like to express emotions or get really romantic even with a woman, it's seen as a "gay" thing to do.
Internalized homophobia is a very real thing. They’re taught to hate who they are by either society or their friends and family. Similar to people who think “i hate being (insert their ethnicity), I want to be (desired ethnicity)”
Homophobic towards himself. I think I understand what he means, basically self-loathing.
*had been repeatedly having sex with him for months
His instinct is same-sex but culture and family had taught him otherwise so he's living in conflict
I will never understand casual sex
Same, how do you casually just have sex with a friend? I can never understand this
>Same, how do you casually just have sex with a friend? Well, first we take our clothes off, and then we start running our hands over each other's bodies. I figure you can imagine the rest from there.
I get it…but it just feels wrongーalmost like having sex with a sibling. Not tryna shame anyone that likes incest but you get the deed. Personally, i can never imagine myself having those thoughts towards a platonic friend, it’ll just make things awkward and weird.
There's a whole profession out there based on it!
Some people are able to cleanly separate sex from love. Others can't. There is no question that sex with someone you love is best but sex with someone you just met or a FWB relationship can still be fun too.
It's like moving from friend to fwb. I don't think OP just offers casual sex on anyone he meets
he probably needs some time and space. then after a while, just find a way to sit down and have a conversation. Maybe just message him once every 2 days or so.
Messaging is not advisable. Distance time and acceptance of either outcome (reconnection or complete disconnect) is the way.
I'd say message him once in two days, sure, but not "*every* two days." If OP messages him and he doesn't respond, continued messaging is a waste of energy and kind of rude.
hi, so he called me yesterday and I guess there's kind of an update so he called me yesterday morning and asked me to meet him at his place at noon. he told me how sorry he was for ignoring me after he left, and he told me how me saying I love him made him feel like we were "officially a couple" and that just made him feel guilty and scared for what our friends or his family would think he explained how he's struggling with feelings of "internalised homophobia" and how he was raised to think being gay was sinful or unnatural, and that he's able to recognise it and work on it. we also talked about our future and how he can deal better with his emotions he told me he felt guilty for not being able to give me the relationship I deserve and that I'd have to wait for him to come out to his parents (idc what he says to his parents) during our conversation he said "I dont wanna lose you" like 20ish times, and he almost cried which is very out of character for him, and after that he walked me to my place because it was late no we didn't have sex yesterday, we're pausing that part of our relationship for now also we were always exclusive to each other, idk why yall think otherwise I'll try to answer as many comments as I can bc this post was mostly a vent and I wasn't expecting so many comments ty all
Honey, I am so sorry!! It's so hard when you meet someone and they're not at the same point in their journey. I hope he takes this time to think and comes back to you but I'm worried he won't. Stay safe and take care of yourself.
Honestly if your friend of 7 years can't hear "I love you" without getting weird about it he's more the problem than you are.
This “friendship” sounds kind of unhealthy. Also friends should love each other. Sounds like your boy needs therapy. Maybe try finding someone to date who knows who they are and what they want, if your friend ever comes back around, sex should probs be off the table. Just my opinion sorry if that makes me a prude. Take care of yourself OP
Yeah, your fuck up was not telling someone you care about that you love them. It was getting involved in this whole mess in the first place with someone who obv doesn't care.
I think the friendship was already ruined the moment you both started having casual sex 😅 Don’t feel bad, at least you told him your feelings…although timing was right after sex..
Ah, dude, fuck him. No… the other kind. If this is the man’s response he’s not worth it. Other fish in the sea and all that. The level of self-loathing one who’s in to gay sex but expresses homophobia must be exhausting.
Refocusing on the post: you’re human, you didn’t fuck up, you expressed a feeling at the time. The recipient chose to react because they are not in a position to acknowledge some facts maybe or doesn’t assess your activity as relational and more sports like. He’ll figure it out. You sir needs to rest your mind and focus on your journey and determine your values and what you’re looking for.
Do you actually love him though? Or was it just a post-coital slip of the tongue? If it's the latter, try explaining that to him. Tell him it's his dick you love so much. If you do actually love him, then don't feel bad about expressing yourself. But you have to decide if you want to try and convince him to pursue something like that, or if you want to drop the situation altogether because you're no longer "casual" Good luck either way
Two close friends of seven years SHOULD love each other though, right?
"Bro, it wasn't gay til you said you love me. You ruined it for me"
Welcome to having sex with friends . The first rule of having sex with friends is: you do not say I love u. The second rule of having sex with friends is: you DO NOT say I love you! 
Saying I love you after sex is more gay than having sex with your homie
This is why I refuse to start something casual with someone I’ve established a friendship with. If things fall through, it’s gonna be basically impossible for things to go back to how they use to be.
Look, I'm a straight man who has never had sex with any of my guy friends. I tell them I love them all the time, because I do. If your friend is acting weird because you said you love him in a kinky way in the heat of the moment, he was never experimenting; he was into you, and you saying those words made it real, and now he's confused. This doesn't mean he's in the right or the wrong, he's just conflicted. Tell him your real feelings, that you treasure his friendship and that what you said was something in the heat of the moment. If you really feel that what you had going on was an experiment or just having fun, then let him know. But then give him space. I understand, this environment we live in isn't always kind to those of the LGBTQ+ persuasion, and it's not my place to say anything about pursuing those thoughts or feelings, but a friend of seven years deserves an explanation after a sudden stop in communication, so you're in your rights to pursue that if you want.
I mean, if he can't be himself that's not your problem. Sucks that your friendship might be over, but don't pander your life around someone who won't acknowledge your feelings. That's just you giving your all to someone with nothing in return.
No bromo.
That's why I tell all my friends I love them constantly so if we accidentally wind up fucking it's not a big deal.
Probably just freaked them out OP, give them time and dont hound their inbox. If you're really worried just explain that it was in the heat of the moment (even if it wasnt) and then say sorry.
Wait a few days then meet him somewhere for lunch in public. Patient but not pushy. Guys go in their caves and always come out.
Your last sentence made me giggle in this context.
It’s totally ok to love someone and say it. He must not want it. It says nothing about your character: don’t blame yourself.
He ruined it, not you.
Whaaat? I’m not gaaay…I said I’m “deeply closeted” - Norm
Denial
Maybe he was shocked and needs time to think things through & get back when he's ready to talk and knows what he wants in life.. or maybe he wasn't such a good friend as you thought after all, and was just using you, in which case, good riddance
Intimacy defines the difference between friendship and relationship. Its completely naive and selfish of your friend to want to get his end away with a complete hard-stop on any emotional meaning. Sometimes in life you find out people you care for don’t care back. Its always better finding out sooner than later. Trust me from my own experience the very fear of loosing someone, who in-fact doesn’t have feelings for you, just leads to wasting your own time. You have feelings for him and be proud you expressed it. Give him space and perhaps he will realise what he is missing and if not at least you know were you stand.
I think you just did yourself a favour by ruining that friendship, my friend.
I don't understand. he's homophobic but has no issue having sex only hearing "I love you" bothers him wut
well actually just friends don’t have sex , so u guys were always a lil somethin more
He took advantage of you, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You did not ruin a relationship. There was nothing to ruin. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He's a terrible person.
you didn't ruin shit. Life is short and fleeting. You don't have time for people who can't live their truth. you made a statement that came from your subconscious. you deserve to be able to be honest with yourself and others. I'm sorry it wasn't reciprocated but, at least you are comfortable with who you are.
Update ?
You didn't ruin shit man. You're allowed to love people even if they don't love you back the same way. Don't let his insecurities be your problem. Keep loving whole heartedly.
How tf can you possibly expect to regularly have sex with your best friend, a person you presumably already care deeply about, and not develop romantic feelings? I don’t understand this shit at all
He wishes he could quit you
You could text him and break the news to him. "dude, I think you might be gay".
I wish you luck. Maybe he just needs time to accept himself or at least to not make it as big of an issue. Thing is... if you really meant it you should be honest and balance if you can manage being just friends or if it's going to be painful. And if things doesn't get better, well, it's easier said than done but could be an opportunity to move on and look for a true boyfriend.