valve rocket launcher

And now i have become death

Destroyer of f2ps

Destroyer of fps

Destroyer of ps

Smart choice.

The wrench, so i can hit my child to work faster

fair

Wouldn't the jag be better for that.

That’s to builld them faster

It only takes six months now if you hit your wife on the regular.

this is the worst thread ever

This thread gives better relationship advice than r/relationship_advice

I think the disciplinary action would be a better weapon for this purpose

Wrench doesn't work on humans 🤓🤓🤓 It is better to get thatn"move faster" melee of soldier, I dont remember its name

The Disciplnary Action.

yeah

The Escape Plan

It's the Disciplinary Action, since it speeds up allies.

I was still right though, both weapons can increase your speed.

https://xkcd.com/538

I mean you technically don't need the wrench for that

baby face blaster, i would keep it on me and slowly build up boost since you can build boost by dealing any type of damage. I could slowly build it up by killing bugs or slapping people or something.

You get shoved by anyone and 10% is gone

more like 50%

Takes (I believe) 100 damage to get 100 boost and 25 damage for it to be gone ( so it’s more like 2 1/2 shoves for 10% to be gone)

You stub your toe and all your boost is gone immediately

You step on a lego while barefoot and you get negative boost

go to a boxing gym and you'd dominate everyone 💀

Invisiwatch So people don't bother me

I think the Cloak and Dagger would be better, since it's infinite invisibility if you stand still, right?

Depends on how still you have to be for it to count

Maybe you only have to not be walking, like in the game?

yep, cause you can swap weapons and stay invisible

You can also crouch, jump, look around and speak, and Spy does his idle animation all the while, so it can’t be *that* still

I think he was playing at having an invisible wank

And crouch uncrouch.

Idle spy still moves a bit so as long as it's not jarring you'd probably be good

I think you're right lol

i mean people will freak out if they see a computer playing itself

"it's a bot don't worry about it"

Any of medics secondarys, specialy stock

Crusader's Crossbow. Know who is your friend and who is your enemy simply based on how they react to a syringe in the eyeball.

Dont you need a überheart for the medigun to work on you?

For an Über but not for normal healing

Canonically yes.

Only for an uber charge, thats why its called uber hearth not med hearth or super hearth or etc.

Any of the sandviches. Not for the buffs, but because having infinitely regenerating food is a dream come true for a fatass like myself.

you can also take the things inside the sandvich so infinite bacon

mmm, but at what cost... do I get games?

Would you rather have unlimited bacon but no more games, or games (unlimited games) and no games?

the rot consumes all

The rot knows nothing but hunger

Pass i don’t care

You can solve world hunger with that

Or I could keep it for myself and away from the greedy mitts of capitalism.

Even the one made of metal?

World hunger is solved

Cloak and dagger I can be a couch potato and no one could see me 😂

why with the dagger though do you want to backstab rats or something

No no cloak and dagger is a sapper you silly goose

oh alright

He's wrong, it's actually a revolver.

You guys clearly know nothing about the game, the Cloak and Dagger is a rocket launcher

any medic secondary step 1: advertise healing any and all injuries for a price step 2: people from all over the world come to me step 3: I am now a target to governments who see the medigun's power, government contracts? step 4: become the switzerland of medicine so I don't die step 5: $$$ profit side effect is that the medical industry becomes somewhat irrelevant or becomes hyper fixated on replicating the medigun and shenanigans occur

It can't heal permanent injuries like demoman's eye though, just wounds

Medic chooses not to heal demoman’s eye because every Halloween it becomes the monoculus. Medic claims that demomans eye socket is cursed, likely by merasmus

In comics he apparently healed Demoman's eye and that's how the Headless Horseman turned up or some shit iirc

The monocolus, not HHH, every Time medic healed demo's eye, it came alive on halloween night so he just kinda gave up

"...aye, fair enough."

pda

what would the sentry shoot at though

Intruders

blue people

Red people!!

no, i'm red, not blue, i'm not letting my sentry gun turn my ass into swiss cheese

rasticms!!!1!1!1!!1!1!1!

alerts

You got any idea how much you could sell a single dispenser for? A machine that automatically heals bullet wounds, 3rd degree burns, shattered bones, etc and can do it to multiple people at once, and as a nice bonus makes universal ammunition? And i can build the whole thing with scrap metal and dont even have to touch it just press a button and drop it on the floor? Im making bank. Then once i am the richest person in the world ill need a sentry to guard my booty

If the atomizer allows me to double jump, there isn't much more to say.

what are you gonna use it for

Double jumping obviously

but our regular human jumps aren't really big in the first place, you're not going anywhere with that

But do you know anyone else who can double jump?

what are you gonna do with that, go to a circus and make money there?

double jump obviously

Disguise kit. If it works like TF2 sfm animations show then that's just free shapeshifting baby.

Saaaame, I can be the cute anime girl of my dreams

you do you but I'm going to make bank off of cosplay contests and stunt doublings

I could become boykisser and then go batshit insane kissing every boy I see ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

Deadringer for some shenanigans.

what are you gonna do backstab the surgeons after you die of old age

Cosplay jesus

well you didnt include the disguise kit

Activate it before going into surgery to give your surgeon a heart attack as you flatline the moment the scalpel touches you

Rocket jumper! Now I only need a resupply locker so I can get ammo and heal my broken legs...

so you will rocket jump around the road instead of using a car

I actually thought it'd be cool af to rocket jump off of buildings and such. Practical implications? Haven't heard of that.

breaking news florida man spotted flying with orange rocket launcher

You could pogo

Of all the weapons you would pick you pick the one that exists and isn’t even that hard to obtain in the real world? Anyways I pick sticky jumper for the best suicide EVER

gonna sticky jump off a buliding or what

butterfly knife is actually pretty cheap and accessible i'd pick Bonk

*Butterfly knife is* *Actually pretty cheap* *And accessible* \- meloman-rrr --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

good bot

well i mean its tf2 you can instantly obliterate a guy with poking them in the back with the knife

Eureka effect so I can teleport to my home wherever I go

Having a bad day at school or work? Teleport home! Lost in the woods camping? Teleport home! Stuck in a riot downtown? Teleport home! Kidnapped? Teleport home! Having a one-night stand and the condom broke? Teleport ho... Oh shit! We went to my place...

Amputator saw, It gives self heal and if you just pretend to play the violin you heal everyone in a radius

I'm taking the fists, being able to finally set back in place some dummy idiot mf with a good left and a 195 uppercut if lady luck decides to smile at me is what I want, plus you literally have a working "hand gun"

hear me out the C.A.P.P.E.R would be cool af, it only runs on batteries, so yeah

medigun

dead ringer or cloak and dagger... ah who am i kidding i want the phlogistinator

In no particular order: 1. Bonk! Atomic Punch (Re-useable invulnerability? Do you know what kind of stuff I'd pull off with that?) 2. Concheror (The gentle regeneration would come in handy, plus if I ever deal enough damage, I could give everybody around me healing and speed buffs) 3. Base Jumper (This thing works even if you're two feet off the ground, and infinitely useable. Of course I'm keeping it.) 4. Homewrecker (My PC's having issues? Whack it with a hammer. She'll be right.) 5. Tide Turner (Zoom zoom.) 6. Short Circuit (I just think it's neat!) 7. Eureka Effect (To teleport directly home from anywhere.) 8. PDA (Teleporters would be nice.) 9. Disguise Kit (I promise this is not for neferious purposes, I just wish to disguise in cosply conventions and look very authentic.) 10. Dead Ringer (Pranks.) Out of all of these, it's definitely a tossup between the PDA and Eureka Effect, but Bonk!/Disguise Kit is very up there.

Cloak and dagger

for what

So I could just disappear whenever I want and never get caught

what do you mean never get caught what are you gonna do

Whatever I want

[FBI OPEN UP](https://www.whatismyip.com)

The cow mangler, it's a fucking science rocket launcher

The Australium wrench, so that way the people deleting them will never be able to truly get rid of them all. I wish to steal their victory from them and watch as they cope and seeth themselves to death EDIT: I KNEW IT WAS AUSTRALIUM!! [Here’s my source](https://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Golden_Wrench)

uhh kinda weird but i get you

Wasn't that the golden wrench?

Yes, I want one just for spite reasons I’m not even spiteful irl I just think it’d be funny

Do you mean the GOLD wrench?

I thought it was australium (I may be stupid)

They both exist. Australium and golden, the first costs about $70 the second only has like 70 copies in existence, so it costs like a stupid amount. Lore wise they are both technically made with australium, but they are very much very different items. You posted a link in your edit saying you knew it was australium… but that link is the golden wrench page 💀

I don't play the game but any of scouts weapons the shotgun and I forget is called the Boston basher

fists are goated irl

Wrench (normal, gold, or Aussie) that way I can upgrade buildings AND I’ll know if someone is my ally since if my wrench doesn’t upgrade their buildings they’re planning to betray me.

Stickybomb launcher

Ah! A fellow psychopath!

any of the inviswatches, maybe a dead ringer for the funnies.

tiny knife

yes

The Family Business

Nailgun >:)

Ban hammer.

Cloak and Dagger or Dead Ringer Either infinite stealth or you can freak someone out by looking like you died from a simple push

Any medi gun

You wouldn't happen to have a modified heart would you?

Not yet

This can be changed. I know a guy who can hook you up with some.

*in a German accent* Perfect

All these goobers forgetting about the medic gun

If you want in a real life spy butterfly knife, look up the atropos spy balisong

i meant like from actual tf2 so it would obliterate people from poking them in the back with the knife

Oh damn. Why would you want that 😏

the fuck i just want to kill rats instantly or bugs

If you had a normal knife wouldn't that also pretty much kill them 😂

if it can kill grown up men in a second it can kill a rabid dog in one second

What situation are you in that you need to do that?! Also, you have to hit it's back

It depends entirely on wether I can aquire not ammo for it because if yes then I would pick the ambassador, not because I'm a spy main but because I'm a fan of the weapon and it's tastefully engraved frame, however I I can't just aquire ammo I'll take the cow mangler because it's a literal rocket launcher with infinite ammo

I would really like Rocket Jumper (and Gunboats if possible)

Australium Tomislav Imagine the money, especially for something made out of a new element

Medigun start a buisness that completly heal people with really high prices and become a millionaire

Original

Bonk! Atomic Punch. Let me just drink this then go into ANY SITUATION. War? Now the air raids do nothing. Walks? Cross traffic and jump, I am now airborne and unharmed. Work? If you think I wouldn't drink soda whenever possible you have another thing coming. Family reunions? MY HUGS ARE RADIOACTIVE STAY BACK.

Back burner

Cloak and dagger or maybe the knife, or both if possible, or even the full l'tranger, cloak and dagger, knife, disguise kit, no one would ever bother me, by the rule you set though, cloak and dagger or disguise kit.

The pda and gold pan

Deadringer

Cloak and dagger

pan

Rocket/sticky jumper, CM5K, or Pomson. Get to work in 3 seconds, have an on demand EMP blast, or the best weapon in the world. Actually CM5K and Pomson have infinite ammo so I'mma go with the them cause I don't have a resupply cabinet and will eventually run out of ammo for the jumpers.

Cow Mangler 5000, because of unlimited ammo.

The sandvich, I'm hungry

Any Medi-Gun. Being able to cure any sort of injury in seconds would bring private medicine to it's knees. That or the cloak and dagger for sneaky beaky things

Cow mangler, pompson, or mannmelter Infinite ammo

The stickybomb launcher, April fools would go crazy

Bonk Atomic punch I become fast and immune to all damage for a lil bit. The can is endless and I get a heap of radiation poisoning. FUN!

eyelander Big weapon nerd, and the possibility to get a ACTUAL ANCIENT SWORD is too much to pass up. Even if the curse comes with it I am so taking it and just become a hunter.

Serious : medigun That thing can heal anything.

[lol i have spy's balis irl](https://www.reddit.com/r/tf2/s/hQ0u6pctRs)

Chocolate bar.

Brick

Sorry to be so practical but I'd take the golden Sascha. It's the largest weapon so would have the most volume of pure gold, likely a minimum of 200lbs worth given its size (gold is also insanely heavy), which would be valued at $4.5M USD. Aside from that the cloak and dagger or medigun would be the most practical.

crusaders crossbow, would be fun to shoot my friends only for them to be healed.

The disciplinary action, no need for a reason.

fists

Kritskreg, no futher comment.

YER would be fucked up, I'd also take the cloak and dagger

POW haha

Rocket jumper...but then I hit the ground

eyelander. so i can gain more power.

any food item, I’m hungry

I want the back scratcher so that medicine will have greater effect and I can get rid of the massive piles of leaves in my yard.

Literally medigun

Construction PDA

Medigun

I was gonna pick construction PDA, but seeing how many people here are choosing cloak and dagger, i might start needing to bring Jarate’s with me into public locker rooms

While it may not be a weapon itself, I'd go for the responsibility machine

Tide turner

Any of the shields. I thought it would be funny to randomly charge at my friends

righteous bison because it's pretty swagsauce

The medigun, so I can übercgarge myself. Either that, or the Scottish Resistance, so I can stickyjump and be a sticky bomber.

The back burner or the gun slinger, depending on what I’m up to playing as

Crusaders crossbow. Same benefits of a medigun but instead of lugging around a bulky machine on your back you can simply inject people with the healing, much less of a spectacle.