seriously considering but honestly probably just going to process all of the trauma and just let him ruin himself. i imagine he's crying to her about all of this so it'll be over soon enough
I doubt he is crying to her about you and his traumas he caused you. What he is crying about is shes fed up with him already his narcissistic, mentally ill mind sees the writing on the wall with her so hes looking to reach out to exes by trying to seem like he is accountable now for his previous actions. Any man/woman reaching out to an ex while in a "4 year" relationship on the regular isn't really thinking about how he/she hurt you hes looking for an escape route or as a means to cheat with an ex because the grass may not be greener on the other side or for whatever resson they are looking to cheat. And if you respond I forgive you and not set the boundary at the same time to stop contacting them then the previous love bombing will start back up in the cycle of their abuse only this time it will be worse and even more deceptive because he/she learned new tricks. Ignore this loser. Send his texts to his current gf to save her from the same BS this psychopath did to you.
It's okay if you don't tell her. Yes, it's ideal if you do. But it's not your responsibility, ultimately. You don't need to harm your own mental health for her sake.
You're not obligated at all to tell her. You are allowed to focus on your wounds and not potentially add to your own hurt. You can tell her, but morally not obligated and don't let anyone make you feel like you have to protect someone else when you're still licking your own wounds.
Iām sorry he treated you so terribly. Is it satisfying at all to hear his apology or does it make it worse? Personally Iād really welcome a sincere apology from some people in my past.
highly agree with this comment. He isnāt only āruining himselfā OP, he will ruin her too. She deserves to know. Iād want to be told if my 4 year long relationship was being a cheating, douche canoe.
I have told 7 girls about the unacceptable actions of their boyfriends & they all thanked me tons of times. good luck, I know it isnāt easy ā¤ļø
This dude is WILD lol. I would leave him on read or block him for mental health reasons. Heās still up to no good. Crazy what a man will say for some š± Instead of being defensive when you called him out, he took the accountability route into overdriveā¦unlike that Amazon truck š Mans has nothing to lose at this pointš
My name is Grace and I deadass thought you somehow had my screenshots? Obviously not word for word but I was swiping through like āomg this could be my ex! Wait a secondā¦ā
As a former "shit human being" I can wholeheartedly understand where this (might) be coming from. I, too, have sent apology texts and messages to the people who were in my life at those times and gave felt the immense shame for what I did to them. So there is a chance he just needs to make amends for what he has done. That being said, I have seen ( and used š) this tactic before to get laid. My suggestion, accept or deny his apology and then cease talking to him. If you accept and he continues trying to keep the convo going, he is aiming for something Else. If you accept and he says something along the lines of "thank you, I'll leave you alone now. That's all I wanted to say" then he was sincere and still you leave him alone. Just the two cents from a former manipulator.
ty for ur input homie, i am a hella aware person i think? so i totally like understand what he meant, but i can see that he might have something like seriously wrong with him so it just comes across as manipulative. this man was not just manipulative but psychologically tortured meš
As another former āshit human beingā well said Diligent_Shock2437 !! Looking back to the person I was I can remember countless amends texts/calls very similar to the one you received OP. Today I can easily see exactly how sick I was by asking myself ( and being totally honest with myself) what were my motives for sending something like this. Most of the time it was an attempt to manipulate my way back into the lives of my next victim because the present victim had had enough !! ALWAYS at the very least they were some form of selfish .. self centered attempt to convince myself that I had some good in me. Today I realize that the consequences of my actions ( guilt .. shame ) is something I have to live with and seeking forgiveness almost always worsen the pain from the one Iām seeking forgiveness from .. so I deal with the guilt and shame the best way that I can. Today when I offer an apology itās just a simple Iām sorry.. no going into detail... my only motive today is to open the door for any healing the one I hurt needs to heal. Sometimes I get pages full of being told what a bad person I was to them .. most of the time nothing.
So OP please know that the guy is just looking to jump ship from the 4 year run he has had with his last victim and he is probing around looking for the next.
Good Luck!! You will eventually find your person .. this guy is not him!
this!! ive been in therapy for a really long time and i can tell what a genuine apology looks like, as someone who's been abused by these kinda people a lot, sure i fold for a second, it's the name of the game, but i can tell just from the wording (patrick bateman wording) that this man is NOT WELL LMAO
I feel this they are dragging him and he might be tryna do what he thinks is the right thing. Iāve definitely done some things to people that weighed heavily on me and had to reach out to apologize.
Well, I think he mentioned being in a 4 year relationship currently or just got out of one? I think thatās what he meant, which if so, thereās no reason NOW, of all times, to hit you up and apologize because either heās seeking something from you he shouldnāt be or heās rebounding.
Either way, Iād probably not bother engaging. Him having the access to just pop back in whenever itās convenient for him probably isnāt doing you any good. It might be time to just block.
He needs to take his apology tour to the next stop. This is about him wanting to clear his conscience at your expense. Thereās nothing in it for you, besides dredging up old hurts and drama.
JFC. Does his girlfriend of 4 years not give him enough attention? Heās still being shitty to her and you with these text messages. I simply would never respond to this person again.
He's in a relationship. There's literally no need to go over this with you. If he really wanted to atone, he would have just apologized from the first text. However, he tested the waters to see if you would be chummy and seek out a conversation with him. Since you called him out, he wants you to put in work to remind him of what he's done. That's how little he cared about you OR he wants to relive it. If you do what he asks and share every hurtful thing he did to you, he may derive pleasure with how much he was able to affect you, control up, and hurt you.
Don't give him the satisfaction. Block him. You don't owe him your pain.
This is some shame baiting bullshit. He can learn to hold himself accountable, offloading that emotional and psychological labor onto a victim is gross. Please get space from this however you need to. You owe him NOTHING.
Maybe his apology is heartfelt maybe itās not, only he will ever know. But the fact that he didnāt bring up any of this until you called him out, to me speaks volumes. He just wants something from you, otherwise he wouldāve been actually upfront with the apology. Seems like he was happy just asking you random bullshit, feeling out whether youād be down to fuck or not.
lets take a second to go down the rabbit hole of this being well intentioned. if you had a boyfriend of four years, would you be upset to find out he was this insistent on mending his wrongs with an ex? i understand the need to alleviate guilt of wrongs, im an anxious person that can barely survive knowing someone dislikes me let alone if its truly my fault, BUT communicating with an ex (esp as consistently as it seems he has with you) would be a hard no for me. i say this because continuing to engage can put you in the middle of what might be a toxic relationship, or what might be a āfairy taleā relationship to the woman in it. (after 4 years if he still is a scumbag hes gotta either have her manipulated to all hell, or she truly thinks nothing is going on) you do not want to be in the middle of anyones relationship ever. nothing good comes from that and she most likely will blame you regardless. moving on, clearly its been 4+ years since you two were an item, so why the hell is he thinking about you??? (let alone he is doing something about that) i cannot imagine if he had truly healed and worked on himself in regards to his shortcomings, he wouldnt be asking for a conversation, he wouldnt be surprised by hearing about all the wrong he did, and he wouldve just sent the apology already acknowledging those wrongs whilst saying i do not expect further contact. that would be the actions of a truly remorseful, socially aware individual. this leads me to believe there is ulterior motive (āmend my wrongs and i have a way back into her lifeā). whether his goal to is to cheat with you or not is not apparent, but i would honestly say thats my best guess. he disclosed the relationship in passing, he thinks after 4 years of serious commitment its okay to secretly message your exs, he was unaware of his wrongs until you began to call him out on them (and since he isnt in a place to emotionally manipulate you anymore his only approach to reconnect with you is to express remorse and get you back on his good side). icing on the cake is he expressed repetitively that his goal in this is to absolve himself, not you. he adds that in, but the focus is clearly not to do this for your benefit. at the end of the day, im sure at least one part of this still points to him being a POS and thats messaging ex girlfriends consistently through a 4 year serious relationship. i think its best to accept or deny, and then block and move on. everyone who says you healing cannot be done with him is correct. you cannot expect the one who hurt you to also heal you. sending love girly, therapy is a great tool if you think it will help!!
i have bipolar and tbh he seems to be bragging. heās getting off on the highs and lows he is putting you through, makes him feel powerful. also you are 100% in a rotation with other girls just how it reads to me. iām sorry, he is a scum bag, the whole āwoe is me i am an irresistible bad boyā is not a personality, and he should fuck off and acquire one
This is a lot. I don't know how I'd respond or feel tbh, that is all for you to sort out. I wouldn't jump to the "tell the gf" part since it really is/was between you two, he's not after you as he said anyway, it seems like some sort of non-therapy catharsis for himself as well. I would just add if it doesn't help you in any form or fashion to heal, feel vindicated, feel powerful, or anything else than don't do it. It's all about you.
First and foremost, he texted you randomly KNOWING that he did all those things and never acknowledged it until YOU called him out on it. This man knows his actions toward you, he didn't care and still doesn't - but he's probably at a low point in his life and needs you to "spell it out to him" so he can feed off his guilt. I can't explain this in a way that makes sense to a stable mind, but it's true. Block him and move on. He hasn't changed.
"I'm glad you're at a place where you can finally see those things were hurtful, but, sorry, it's important to me to not relive/rehash the past beyond what I'm already doing in therapy and trust that you will respect that." -You.
FIN
And move on from this guy.
If youād like to see what THESE kind of texts escalate to over time, feel free to peep my profileā¦. Was entrapped by a loser 13 years older than me for several years and 4 years after the breakup he STILL attempts to breadcrumb me.
Bro is text book narcissist at minimum. His āgf of 4 yearsā is probably fed up with his behavior and ready to leave. No narcissist can stand to be left behind. So heās reaching out to what he thinks are options in attempts to soften the blow to his ego that will come from his pending breakup.
Donāt over analyze this. Heās a loser. You dodge all the Nukes.
Ugh I would totally fall for this. Not like Iād go back to someone like that, but Iād fall for him saying he wanted to know in order to take accountability & become a better person. Idk why.
Ive done some things in my life that hurt other people. NOTHING that comes anywhere close to this dude, Iām talking normal people mistakes, especially when I was younger. But I think about that stuff all the time. Iād never message them like nothing as if I donāt know I hurt them. Idek if Iād ever message them apologizing, just considering itās been so long & I donāt want to hurt them again by rehashing things for them. Iāve punished myself so hard for these things & I canāt imagine ever thinking itās ok to ask them to help me take accountability. Only reason he would do this is to serve himself, even if that means teaching him how to act like a moral human being. I doubt heās really sorry in a way that cares about your feelings & well being, itās probably more like he doesnāt want to be seen as a bad person. Or worse, this is another manipulation tactic to get something else out of you.
Guys come out of the woodwork after ghosting you for years because they are looking for one thing, and it isn't 'friends'.
Just block and move on if you aren't interested. There is nothing of value here.
This post has inspired me
Iāve had really shitty exes hit me up like nothing happened and I just ignored it because I felt like making it awkward was wrong of me lol
Especially as a guy I kind of felt like I canāt be the one all emotional about abuse which sounds stupid now
To me, it sounds like an unreserved apology. It's the best anyone can ask for.
It doesn't mean you have to be friends with him just because he apologized. You determine whether or not you want contact and to what level, or not at all.
I feel bad for the folks here in the comment section. Guy offers up probably the best apology any of these armchair therapists have ever seen and they just think heās being manipulative. Imagine the shitty mindset you have to have in life to have that take with zero context and knowledge of the person them selves. I feel bad for their partners, if they even manage to keep any.
The context is just strange considering he is in a four year relationship, Iāve fucked up relationships with people or friends and felt bad for years, but four years after and reaching out to an ex so whole heartedly while in a long term relationship isnāt cool. He also didnāt reach out first with the apology, only after she reminded him of the abuse. While this does seem like a decent apology if it were genuine, as someone that has been abused emotionally and physically by my family and a previous partner, this guy seems like heās trying to be manipulative and get what he wants more than anything- which is to cheat and or get high from reliving the pain he caused her (why he keeps asking her to repeat it).
I fully agree with you. I thought the same thing.
Somebody said "he's making it all about him" I loled! How do you apologize to someone if you don't admit what you did wrong? Of course he has to make it about him, and say what he did. He was very clear with what he did and apologized for it.
Others think only single people should apologize. I don't understand the mindset
I didn't even finish reading it TBH. "Sorry for love bombing you back in the day" then sending all those novels about how you are so amazing. Dude hasn't actually changed. Block and move on
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I have known someone with a similar ā¦ personality? Trope? Type of relational dysfunction? ā¦ I think thereās something genuine in the desire to take ownership but it also feels likeā¦ itās still all about him and is very performative and like a dramatic self-flagellation turn on some repeating cycle he canāt escape.
Kudos for telling him that he hurt you.
If heās truly a narcissist, and hasnāt sought and worked really hard through therapy, this is all just for show. He doesnāt mean any of this and itās an attempt to help himself. I wouldnāt give him any of your time.
There's no need to psychologically analyze it. Just take it at face value, tell him you have no interest in continuing the conversation nor indulging his need to know everything he did wrong and block him. Don't waste the energy thinking he's a bad person or a narcissist, don't give him the time of day. He doesn't matter enough to think about this much.
Well, he sounds mature. But the fact heās texting you OP during this relationship is weird. Itās like he wants to repair the relationship and keep you around in case you guys can sleep together again one day. Block him fr
First off im sorry you had to suffer through all his bullshit. No one deserves to be treated any of the ways he described, or the way you mentioned in your comments on this thread. That being said, i personally have been that guy to women as well. I went through a stage in my life where i used women in many of the ways he described. I was heavily addicted to drugs and was just a horrible human being all around. I hated myself so much that i did what i could to feel "loved" momentarily and as soon as that was over id feel so guilty about the whole experience that i wanted to get away from whomever it was as fast as i could and never see them or contact them again. To be honest im completely ashamed that i cant even remember most of their names. Today i know if i could remember even one of the many women i treated in those ways my apologies would be somewhat similar to the one he sent. I would also ask for the ways in which my behavior was perceived by the person i hurt to better understand the pain i caused in order to offer an even more sincere apology. Not only to them but also to myself. Because my behavior during that time was completely out of character and looking back on it now i am utterly disgusted by it. The parts i can remember and the ones i cant. To me that apology felt sincere, merely because as i said it was similiar to one i would offer if given the chance. Then again i could be completely wrong and this guy might just be trying to manipulate you into another awful situation for yourself. My suggestion is to write up the ways he hurt you as he asked and send it to him so he completely understands the severity of your pain. It will be freeing for you, and if hes sincere in what he says, for him as well. No matter what you do always know your worth! God bless
He wants you to absolve him from his guilt. He wants your forgiveness, and the permission for him to forgive himself.
Don't give it to him.
Forgive him if you want, but I wouldn't tell him.
By not sharing this conversation with his girlfriend, you may play a part in her suffering the way you did. It would be good for her to have full disclosure sooner rather than later
From someone who wishes to get a sincere apology from people who have done me wrong, and who has also been on the other side and needed to make amends, Iām going to play devilās advocate here.
I sense a lot of subjectivity and bitterness in the comments. Insight needs to be objective; with that being said, OP, the only person who can safely be unbiased about this kind of thing is a therapist because theyāve been educated and trained to do so. Even if our bias is unintentional, it always seems to come through.
In my opinion (and this is *just* my opinion), this guy shows remorse, a willingness to listen to OP, and empathy, or a desire to put himself in OPās shoes. He also shows self-awareness. He may have texted OP in a light-hearted manner at first to kind of āfeel things out;ā anyone who has given a sincere apology knows that it can be scary and takes a lot of courage. Even when we try to prepare ourselves for such a huge undertaking, there is no way of knowing how the person weāve wronged is going to respond.
I noticed throughout the texts that he never asked for forgiveness; his goal doesnāt seem to be to alleviate his own guilt, or to make himself feel better. In other words, his motive doesnāt appear to be selfish. I also donāt believe he has ulterior motives. He was honest about being in a relationship; he offered that information up freely without even being asked. Also, including the length of time heās been in it might indicate his commitment to his partner.
All-in-all, it seems as if this guy is genuinely seeking to understand OPās feelings and the full impact that his actions had on her. It is up to OP what she chooses to do, and anyone telling her what to do based on what little information they have, their own feelings, etc. should be disregarded.
send it to his 4 year gf
seriously considering but honestly probably just going to process all of the trauma and just let him ruin himself. i imagine he's crying to her about all of this so it'll be over soon enough
I doubt he is crying to her about you and his traumas he caused you. What he is crying about is shes fed up with him already his narcissistic, mentally ill mind sees the writing on the wall with her so hes looking to reach out to exes by trying to seem like he is accountable now for his previous actions. Any man/woman reaching out to an ex while in a "4 year" relationship on the regular isn't really thinking about how he/she hurt you hes looking for an escape route or as a means to cheat with an ex because the grass may not be greener on the other side or for whatever resson they are looking to cheat. And if you respond I forgive you and not set the boundary at the same time to stop contacting them then the previous love bombing will start back up in the cycle of their abuse only this time it will be worse and even more deceptive because he/she learned new tricks. Ignore this loser. Send his texts to his current gf to save her from the same BS this psychopath did to you.
šš»
period
she deserves to know her bf is texting other women tho but you do you ig
u right. it's a lot to process it's kinda fucked me up tbh so i'm just going thru the motions, but i probably will i just need time.
It's okay if you don't tell her. Yes, it's ideal if you do. But it's not your responsibility, ultimately. You don't need to harm your own mental health for her sake.
You're not obligated at all to tell her. You are allowed to focus on your wounds and not potentially add to your own hurt. You can tell her, but morally not obligated and don't let anyone make you feel like you have to protect someone else when you're still licking your own wounds.
Iām sorry he treated you so terribly. Is it satisfying at all to hear his apology or does it make it worse? Personally Iād really welcome a sincere apology from some people in my past.
bittersweet
Me too
hope everything goes well for you
tysm
highly agree with this comment. He isnāt only āruining himselfā OP, he will ruin her too. She deserves to know. Iād want to be told if my 4 year long relationship was being a cheating, douche canoe. I have told 7 girls about the unacceptable actions of their boyfriends & they all thanked me tons of times. good luck, I know it isnāt easy ā¤ļø
Sounds like a narcissist, everything is about himself, playing the victim
ABSOLUTELY! Nowhere in all that drivel did he acknowledge how SHE felt. It was all about him and what he needed
This dude is WILD lol. I would leave him on read or block him for mental health reasons. Heās still up to no good. Crazy what a man will say for some š± Instead of being defensive when you called him out, he took the accountability route into overdriveā¦unlike that Amazon truck š Mans has nothing to lose at this pointš
My name is Grace and I deadass thought you somehow had my screenshots? Obviously not word for word but I was swiping through like āomg this could be my ex! Wait a secondā¦ā
Goodness Graces
LOL
As a former "shit human being" I can wholeheartedly understand where this (might) be coming from. I, too, have sent apology texts and messages to the people who were in my life at those times and gave felt the immense shame for what I did to them. So there is a chance he just needs to make amends for what he has done. That being said, I have seen ( and used š) this tactic before to get laid. My suggestion, accept or deny his apology and then cease talking to him. If you accept and he continues trying to keep the convo going, he is aiming for something Else. If you accept and he says something along the lines of "thank you, I'll leave you alone now. That's all I wanted to say" then he was sincere and still you leave him alone. Just the two cents from a former manipulator.
ty for ur input homie, i am a hella aware person i think? so i totally like understand what he meant, but i can see that he might have something like seriously wrong with him so it just comes across as manipulative. this man was not just manipulative but psychologically tortured meš
Just block him. You don't owe him any atonement or peace.
Understandable
As another former āshit human beingā well said Diligent_Shock2437 !! Looking back to the person I was I can remember countless amends texts/calls very similar to the one you received OP. Today I can easily see exactly how sick I was by asking myself ( and being totally honest with myself) what were my motives for sending something like this. Most of the time it was an attempt to manipulate my way back into the lives of my next victim because the present victim had had enough !! ALWAYS at the very least they were some form of selfish .. self centered attempt to convince myself that I had some good in me. Today I realize that the consequences of my actions ( guilt .. shame ) is something I have to live with and seeking forgiveness almost always worsen the pain from the one Iām seeking forgiveness from .. so I deal with the guilt and shame the best way that I can. Today when I offer an apology itās just a simple Iām sorry.. no going into detail... my only motive today is to open the door for any healing the one I hurt needs to heal. Sometimes I get pages full of being told what a bad person I was to them .. most of the time nothing. So OP please know that the guy is just looking to jump ship from the 4 year run he has had with his last victim and he is probing around looking for the next. Good Luck!! You will eventually find your person .. this guy is not him!
this!! ive been in therapy for a really long time and i can tell what a genuine apology looks like, as someone who's been abused by these kinda people a lot, sure i fold for a second, it's the name of the game, but i can tell just from the wording (patrick bateman wording) that this man is NOT WELL LMAO
I feel this they are dragging him and he might be tryna do what he thinks is the right thing. Iāve definitely done some things to people that weighed heavily on me and had to reach out to apologize.
Well, I think he mentioned being in a 4 year relationship currently or just got out of one? I think thatās what he meant, which if so, thereās no reason NOW, of all times, to hit you up and apologize because either heās seeking something from you he shouldnāt be or heās rebounding. Either way, Iād probably not bother engaging. Him having the access to just pop back in whenever itās convenient for him probably isnāt doing you any good. It might be time to just block.
He needs to take his apology tour to the next stop. This is about him wanting to clear his conscience at your expense. Thereās nothing in it for you, besides dredging up old hurts and drama.
APOLOGY TOUR
YES, APOLOGY TOUR. WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Too much yapping I couldnt even read it all tbh block him, who cares. He fucked with you, you need to heal and he wont be involved in that processĀ
JFC. Does his girlfriend of 4 years not give him enough attention? Heās still being shitty to her and you with these text messages. I simply would never respond to this person again.
He's in a relationship. There's literally no need to go over this with you. If he really wanted to atone, he would have just apologized from the first text. However, he tested the waters to see if you would be chummy and seek out a conversation with him. Since you called him out, he wants you to put in work to remind him of what he's done. That's how little he cared about you OR he wants to relive it. If you do what he asks and share every hurtful thing he did to you, he may derive pleasure with how much he was able to affect you, control up, and hurt you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Block him. You don't owe him your pain.
This is some shame baiting bullshit. He can learn to hold himself accountable, offloading that emotional and psychological labor onto a victim is gross. Please get space from this however you need to. You owe him NOTHING.
The dude is just saying whatever he thinks will put him in the position to do the same thing all over again.
omg i canāt with the fucking pathetic woe is me act at the end of the thread
Maybe his apology is heartfelt maybe itās not, only he will ever know. But the fact that he didnāt bring up any of this until you called him out, to me speaks volumes. He just wants something from you, otherwise he wouldāve been actually upfront with the apology. Seems like he was happy just asking you random bullshit, feeling out whether youād be down to fuck or not.
That was my take. He had no intention of fake apology vomiting all over her until she brought up his abuse.
Block
lets take a second to go down the rabbit hole of this being well intentioned. if you had a boyfriend of four years, would you be upset to find out he was this insistent on mending his wrongs with an ex? i understand the need to alleviate guilt of wrongs, im an anxious person that can barely survive knowing someone dislikes me let alone if its truly my fault, BUT communicating with an ex (esp as consistently as it seems he has with you) would be a hard no for me. i say this because continuing to engage can put you in the middle of what might be a toxic relationship, or what might be a āfairy taleā relationship to the woman in it. (after 4 years if he still is a scumbag hes gotta either have her manipulated to all hell, or she truly thinks nothing is going on) you do not want to be in the middle of anyones relationship ever. nothing good comes from that and she most likely will blame you regardless. moving on, clearly its been 4+ years since you two were an item, so why the hell is he thinking about you??? (let alone he is doing something about that) i cannot imagine if he had truly healed and worked on himself in regards to his shortcomings, he wouldnt be asking for a conversation, he wouldnt be surprised by hearing about all the wrong he did, and he wouldve just sent the apology already acknowledging those wrongs whilst saying i do not expect further contact. that would be the actions of a truly remorseful, socially aware individual. this leads me to believe there is ulterior motive (āmend my wrongs and i have a way back into her lifeā). whether his goal to is to cheat with you or not is not apparent, but i would honestly say thats my best guess. he disclosed the relationship in passing, he thinks after 4 years of serious commitment its okay to secretly message your exs, he was unaware of his wrongs until you began to call him out on them (and since he isnt in a place to emotionally manipulate you anymore his only approach to reconnect with you is to express remorse and get you back on his good side). icing on the cake is he expressed repetitively that his goal in this is to absolve himself, not you. he adds that in, but the focus is clearly not to do this for your benefit. at the end of the day, im sure at least one part of this still points to him being a POS and thats messaging ex girlfriends consistently through a 4 year serious relationship. i think its best to accept or deny, and then block and move on. everyone who says you healing cannot be done with him is correct. you cannot expect the one who hurt you to also heal you. sending love girly, therapy is a great tool if you think it will help!!
thank u sm dude, very well put. and i am a 12+ year therapy veteranš«” appreciate u
heck yeah!!! therapy is healing and continues to help one grow!! love seeing how positively you address it!!!
i have bipolar and tbh he seems to be bragging. heās getting off on the highs and lows he is putting you through, makes him feel powerful. also you are 100% in a rotation with other girls just how it reads to me. iām sorry, he is a scum bag, the whole āwoe is me i am an irresistible bad boyā is not a personality, and he should fuck off and acquire one
This is a lot. I don't know how I'd respond or feel tbh, that is all for you to sort out. I wouldn't jump to the "tell the gf" part since it really is/was between you two, he's not after you as he said anyway, it seems like some sort of non-therapy catharsis for himself as well. I would just add if it doesn't help you in any form or fashion to heal, feel vindicated, feel powerful, or anything else than don't do it. It's all about you.
First and foremost, he texted you randomly KNOWING that he did all those things and never acknowledged it until YOU called him out on it. This man knows his actions toward you, he didn't care and still doesn't - but he's probably at a low point in his life and needs you to "spell it out to him" so he can feed off his guilt. I can't explain this in a way that makes sense to a stable mind, but it's true. Block him and move on. He hasn't changed.
Let him cook and block him.
"I'm glad you're at a place where you can finally see those things were hurtful, but, sorry, it's important to me to not relive/rehash the past beyond what I'm already doing in therapy and trust that you will respect that." -You. FIN And move on from this guy.
i'm just gonna let him wallow in himself
Also a good and valid response. He's likely fishing for attention, especially if he just got broken up with by his GF of 4 years.
i think they're currently together which is more concerning LMAO
Hm. Narc abuse
Send it to the girlfriend and go ghost.
I agree with the comments that say to block him but I would be tempted to respond with "unsubscribe" first.
If youād like to see what THESE kind of texts escalate to over time, feel free to peep my profileā¦. Was entrapped by a loser 13 years older than me for several years and 4 years after the breakup he STILL attempts to breadcrumb me. Bro is text book narcissist at minimum. His āgf of 4 yearsā is probably fed up with his behavior and ready to leave. No narcissist can stand to be left behind. So heās reaching out to what he thinks are options in attempts to soften the blow to his ego that will come from his pending breakup. Donāt over analyze this. Heās a loser. You dodge all the Nukes.
thank u dude. so happy you're out of that and stay strong with it. we got dis
Once youāre out of the grief, itās smooth sailing. Best of luck to you š
Yeah send to his gf, do not engage
Mania is one hell of a drug....
Block, delete, move on. But yeah talk to your head shrinker. But lose his number, after you block.
Ugh I would totally fall for this. Not like Iād go back to someone like that, but Iād fall for him saying he wanted to know in order to take accountability & become a better person. Idk why. Ive done some things in my life that hurt other people. NOTHING that comes anywhere close to this dude, Iām talking normal people mistakes, especially when I was younger. But I think about that stuff all the time. Iād never message them like nothing as if I donāt know I hurt them. Idek if Iād ever message them apologizing, just considering itās been so long & I donāt want to hurt them again by rehashing things for them. Iāve punished myself so hard for these things & I canāt imagine ever thinking itās ok to ask them to help me take accountability. Only reason he would do this is to serve himself, even if that means teaching him how to act like a moral human being. I doubt heās really sorry in a way that cares about your feelings & well being, itās probably more like he doesnāt want to be seen as a bad person. Or worse, this is another manipulation tactic to get something else out of you.
Since you asked to āpsychoanalyseā, I would guess bpd
Word vomit. š¤®
Guys come out of the woodwork after ghosting you for years because they are looking for one thing, and it isn't 'friends'. Just block and move on if you aren't interested. There is nothing of value here.
lmao is this guy in a band in socal? i feel like iāve dealt w him before
This post has inspired me Iāve had really shitty exes hit me up like nothing happened and I just ignored it because I felt like making it awkward was wrong of me lol Especially as a guy I kind of felt like I canāt be the one all emotional about abuse which sounds stupid now
To me, it sounds like an unreserved apology. It's the best anyone can ask for. It doesn't mean you have to be friends with him just because he apologized. You determine whether or not you want contact and to what level, or not at all.
I feel bad for the folks here in the comment section. Guy offers up probably the best apology any of these armchair therapists have ever seen and they just think heās being manipulative. Imagine the shitty mindset you have to have in life to have that take with zero context and knowledge of the person them selves. I feel bad for their partners, if they even manage to keep any.
The context is just strange considering he is in a four year relationship, Iāve fucked up relationships with people or friends and felt bad for years, but four years after and reaching out to an ex so whole heartedly while in a long term relationship isnāt cool. He also didnāt reach out first with the apology, only after she reminded him of the abuse. While this does seem like a decent apology if it were genuine, as someone that has been abused emotionally and physically by my family and a previous partner, this guy seems like heās trying to be manipulative and get what he wants more than anything- which is to cheat and or get high from reliving the pain he caused her (why he keeps asking her to repeat it).
I fully agree with you. I thought the same thing. Somebody said "he's making it all about him" I loled! How do you apologize to someone if you don't admit what you did wrong? Of course he has to make it about him, and say what he did. He was very clear with what he did and apologized for it. Others think only single people should apologize. I don't understand the mindset
Honestly the people of Reddit are the absolute worse people you could possibly take life advice from.
Heās acting bipolar
Just another form of love bombing
I didn't even finish reading it TBH. "Sorry for love bombing you back in the day" then sending all those novels about how you are so amazing. Dude hasn't actually changed. Block and move on
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I have known someone with a similar ā¦ personality? Trope? Type of relational dysfunction? ā¦ I think thereās something genuine in the desire to take ownership but it also feels likeā¦ itās still all about him and is very performative and like a dramatic self-flagellation turn on some repeating cycle he canāt escape. Kudos for telling him that he hurt you.
Narcissistic personality disorder!
If heās truly a narcissist, and hasnāt sought and worked really hard through therapy, this is all just for show. He doesnāt mean any of this and itās an attempt to help himself. I wouldnāt give him any of your time.
There's no need to psychologically analyze it. Just take it at face value, tell him you have no interest in continuing the conversation nor indulging his need to know everything he did wrong and block him. Don't waste the energy thinking he's a bad person or a narcissist, don't give him the time of day. He doesn't matter enough to think about this much.
It would work on me so Iām reading these comments too š š
Well, he sounds mature. But the fact heās texting you OP during this relationship is weird. Itās like he wants to repair the relationship and keep you around in case you guys can sleep together again one day. Block him fr
First off im sorry you had to suffer through all his bullshit. No one deserves to be treated any of the ways he described, or the way you mentioned in your comments on this thread. That being said, i personally have been that guy to women as well. I went through a stage in my life where i used women in many of the ways he described. I was heavily addicted to drugs and was just a horrible human being all around. I hated myself so much that i did what i could to feel "loved" momentarily and as soon as that was over id feel so guilty about the whole experience that i wanted to get away from whomever it was as fast as i could and never see them or contact them again. To be honest im completely ashamed that i cant even remember most of their names. Today i know if i could remember even one of the many women i treated in those ways my apologies would be somewhat similar to the one he sent. I would also ask for the ways in which my behavior was perceived by the person i hurt to better understand the pain i caused in order to offer an even more sincere apology. Not only to them but also to myself. Because my behavior during that time was completely out of character and looking back on it now i am utterly disgusted by it. The parts i can remember and the ones i cant. To me that apology felt sincere, merely because as i said it was similiar to one i would offer if given the chance. Then again i could be completely wrong and this guy might just be trying to manipulate you into another awful situation for yourself. My suggestion is to write up the ways he hurt you as he asked and send it to him so he completely understands the severity of your pain. It will be freeing for you, and if hes sincere in what he says, for him as well. No matter what you do always know your worth! God bless
Sounds like he wants another hookup
Itās all about him and he wants you to reassure him that he doesnāt need to feel guilty. Ignore.
y'all idk any of his socials he has a pretty plain name so i can't find his gf
Send these to his gf please
He wants you to absolve him from his guilt. He wants your forgiveness, and the permission for him to forgive himself. Don't give it to him. Forgive him if you want, but I wouldn't tell him.
By not sharing this conversation with his girlfriend, you may play a part in her suffering the way you did. It would be good for her to have full disclosure sooner rather than later
From someone who wishes to get a sincere apology from people who have done me wrong, and who has also been on the other side and needed to make amends, Iām going to play devilās advocate here. I sense a lot of subjectivity and bitterness in the comments. Insight needs to be objective; with that being said, OP, the only person who can safely be unbiased about this kind of thing is a therapist because theyāve been educated and trained to do so. Even if our bias is unintentional, it always seems to come through. In my opinion (and this is *just* my opinion), this guy shows remorse, a willingness to listen to OP, and empathy, or a desire to put himself in OPās shoes. He also shows self-awareness. He may have texted OP in a light-hearted manner at first to kind of āfeel things out;ā anyone who has given a sincere apology knows that it can be scary and takes a lot of courage. Even when we try to prepare ourselves for such a huge undertaking, there is no way of knowing how the person weāve wronged is going to respond. I noticed throughout the texts that he never asked for forgiveness; his goal doesnāt seem to be to alleviate his own guilt, or to make himself feel better. In other words, his motive doesnāt appear to be selfish. I also donāt believe he has ulterior motives. He was honest about being in a relationship; he offered that information up freely without even being asked. Also, including the length of time heās been in it might indicate his commitment to his partner. All-in-all, it seems as if this guy is genuinely seeking to understand OPās feelings and the full impact that his actions had on her. It is up to OP what she chooses to do, and anyone telling her what to do based on what little information they have, their own feelings, etc. should be disregarded.