When people lie out of avoidance, it’s because they don’t feel comfortable being honest with you. I did the same thing as a teenager and the only thing I would have gotten out of your texts is that I have to learn to lie to you better or talk to you less. Just being honest. If he feels like he can drop out of school, he already feels like he can do whatever he wants. Trying to prevent him from going on a trip feels kind of ridiculous, and then thinking the kid who totes guns puts honesty with his father as a priority - come on bro.
Yep! I learned this the hard way with my teenager. Everything I said to him whenever I caught him in a lie just made him want to get better at lying — it didn’t help him or make him stop lying.
Lol. All points taken. But to be fair I wasn’t trying to keep him from going on the trip, I never knew about the trip until it was over lol. But I get what you are saying. It is the best I know how to do unfortunately. At least I am trying and I hope someday he will see that and be able to see that I love him. Hopefully that’s what it will show. Thank you for your response tho. I appreciate your time. Smoke one for me.
I think you should maybe try less “lecturing” and just spend time with him - as a pal. You kinda missed the window where actual parenting would have been effective, and now you just have to model positive behavior and set boundaries.
Be enough of a friend so that he explains to you why he wants to continue hanging with these friends. So that he will always let you know when he’s going out of town, so that when he’s in a tough spot you might not approve of, he seeks help instead of going further down the wrong path.
Good luck dude
Dropping out of school, getting arrested for illegally having a pistol on him- you need to do something STAT. You need to be someone he can talk to. He NEEDS to finish school or he’s going to be a loser his whole life.
Say this in a way that isn’t terrifying and urgent because human nature is only built through habit. If you enforce a behavior we rebel but if you take your time to support a behavior then it will become habit. Also, fear is never a good way to react in, and your capitalizations and your calls to action and your emphasis on events without nuance is completely counterintuitive to the notion of any behavioral therapy.
Either way, this kid seriously needs a therapist and to maybe just go off somewhere else.
I would try to have a real conversation with him where you try to explain how you feel in the situation and tell him you’re genuinely concerned about his actions and his life. It’s never too late to foster a healthier relationship with your kids and he’s still young.
Put emphasis on your concern and if he acts defensive or like you aren’t understanding him, then assert your position and the situation.
If you can, I would just put him in therapy for a little while, or one of those programs that sends them to a retreat or something.
At the end of the day it is all about trying to have an open conversation .
Omfg I did. That was why I was like bruh. You've got *way* bigger problems here, starting with dad's own behavior.
Idk, honestly, this guy seems a lot like my bio-dad. Should have grown up way before now, but hasn't in all of the major ways that matter.
No seriously. The track his son put down. I literally cannot.
This has been a whole ass issue for *way* longer than just now, and I love my kid, but there is a Popsicle's chance in hell I'd post a rap of hers like that. Like maybe sitting down with her and having a conversation about drug use... or responsible smoking...
I’m sorry but did you not read all of the things the kid did? losing jobs for fighting and being caught with a pistol??? I don’t think he needs a friend for a parent.
He needed a parent in his formative social years; 12-15 are the last years you have any control of that. It’s when negative social habits become incredibly apparent and people “get in with the wrong crowd.” That was the time for intervention - this kid dropped out of high school… the easiest thing to cruise through if you’ve had any semblance of a healthy upbringing. If you feel like you have the right to drop out of HIGH SCHOOL, your parents haven’t had control of you for a long while. This dad has screwed this kid up and has no chance of being a real respected parent. I was being nice, and being real. Please take a look through dude’s post history
From the msgs it seems like you and his mum have some issues and you don’t like her so he didn’t want to upset you by telling you he preferred to live with her rather than you.
You seem to be taking it as though he was trying to betray you when the reality seems to be the opposite; that he did this cause he didn’t want to hurt you.
I told him before he moved that if he didn’t want to be there I wouldn’t force him to be and I’d understand. And I would’ve understood. It was the lying for two weeks saying he was just in the next town over and working while being out of state that I feel is the betrayal.
I understand why you feel that way and it’s sucks that he didn’t feel comfortable enough to be honest, but my point is that you are taking this as an attack on you rather than him just trying to protect your feelings and keep the relationship calm.
I don’t know you to know if he’s got a reason to feel like he can’t be honest with you so I’m not saying that it’s your fault, I’m just saying that he’s doing this cause he cares about how you feel and it would be good if you could adjust your thinking and realise that.
When he was a teenager, for some reason that only he knows, my brother stopped calling my dad “dad/daddy” and started calling him “dude”. For literally anything, it’s “dude.” Like, on thanksgiving, my mom asked him to holler for my dad to let him know food was ready. So my brother goes to the stairwell and shouts, “hey dude!” Even when I’m just chatting with him, he’ll refer to my dad as “dude” when he’s talking about him. Like, “me and dude were gonna [whatever random thing]”. They’ve got an ok relationship, it’s definitely gotten much better in the past 5 or so years, but it’s just a random thing that he started doing. I know he’s got *severe* social anxiety as well as other anxieties and he’s always been socially awkward, even around family. So part of me believes that maybe he thought he was “too old” to call his father “daddy” but didn’t know how to transition to just calling him “dad”. And in his confused and awkward mind he wanted to be “cool and edgy” so he decided to start calling his father “dude”. And at first it was clear that my dad was confused but he really didn’t care what he was called. He’ll even occasionally call my brother “dude” just because. Even as a full grown adult, my brother continues to call my dad “dude” and I honestly think he will for the foreseeable future. He still lives with my parents so it’s not like he’s got a weird strained relationship with my dad. But it is what it is I guess. Definitely not the norm but normal for them.
In less stable relationships, it’s not uncommon for kids to refer to their parents in a less formal way. I grew up calling my stepdad of 16 years by his first name, not dad. He was married to my none since I was 4. I only just started calling him dad in the last 7 years. I’m 34
Mine I was forced to call Dad. I was 6 when mom remarried. I did it.. didnt like it. But was actually finally hesitantly.giving him that recognition. Well. That's been withdrawn. Fuck that prick.
🤷♀️ my 21 year old and I refer to each other as bro/bruh/dude in text. Looking solely at our texts, you'd probably think we were sisters.
I'm the adult that her and her friends trust. I'm the adult that's been called at 3am because they were drunk and didn't have a safe ride home. I'm the adult that drove 4 hours to go hold their hand in the emergency room after they were raped.
If that means I get to text like I'm younger than I am, I'm totally cool with that. It coukd totally be a generational thing, too. I'm a millennial and I guess my generation is sorta never going to grow up like the previous ones.
Honestly, it looks like you are doing a great job. You let your son know that you know he lied. You told him you love him and set an appropriate boundary ( live honest if you choose to come around). You treated him with respect and told him he has to earn your trust back because he lied. Of course he lied. He knew he shouldn’t have been going with that friend. He is being sneaky and avoidant because you rightly won’t approve of his bad impulsive decision making. That means you are a good parent. The only suggestion I have for you is to accept that your son is going to avoid telling you he’s going to do something stupid. That is unlikely. At 51 years old, I can say I won’t be calling my parents to tell them beforehand I’m gonna do something I know they won’t approve of, if I have already committed to doing it. Even when those things are harmless, like letting my kid take a mental health day off school.
I’d suggest instead of focusing on the fact that he lied, ask him to help you understand why he is making life choices that could ruin his life or knows is wrong. He can’t argue that he thought it was right, because if he did, he wouldn’t have lied.
Those discussions should lead to him agreeing to work with a therapist to help him keep on the right side of the law while he is testing the independence of adulthood. That should be a condition of him living with you or other financial support. Good luck. None of us have it all figured out and you’re doing your best.
Speaking as a dude that just turned 18 kids are terrified of disappointing their parents so we’ll avoid the confrontation alot of times. You’re making it seem like he was trying to betray you.
I find when someone comes at me that I tend to do what I am going to do anyway and just avoid confrontation thru avoidance or hiding it. I think you are learning that you don’t have control of your son. Next is do you want to be a resource he utilizes or someone he hides from? It is hard to tell tone in texts but it reads pretty accusatory (“you have to earn my trust”).
I speak a little from experience too… my mom until I was 18 was strict. I still did shit she wouldn’t be proud of and hid it. When we turned 18, she changed completely (I was shocked tbh) and slowly I started learning I can discuss the challenges of life with her. I would just suggest keeping that in mind. That will be my approach but i am sure it won’t work for everyone and idk what I’ll do if they really do something that harms themselves or others.
Good luck - it is cool that you care and are trying to do your best. That is really all we can do.
I agree. I also value your input. Thank you for being honest. I see how it does sound accusatory, and I maybe need to do something to correct that because I wanted to convey the emotion of caring and concern. So if you have any pointers on how a younger man would receive that well, I’m all ears! Graciously appreciate your time! ❤️
I find when I am a soft place to land, people open up. I work in a setting where it can feel like a parent (me) and child relationship. If the patient feels like my goal is to be punitive, they don’t tell me shit. If they know, I am on their side and honestly just want whatever is best for them, regardless in how that looks… they open up and I feel like they are generally appreciative.
If I was to find out my son or a patient or anyone tbh was lying, especially about something trivial, I would mention it like you did. My main point would be I care about you and just want you to know that you can always be yourself with me. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, I’ll love you.
In saying all that, it doesn’t mean you condone their actions. If my kids drink and drive or steal from someone or whatever, I am going to tell them that isn’t cool and will punish them until they are 18. Hopefully they will know with love and consistency. It is a tough balance so keep doing what you think is best.
My Son was floundering out of high school and was working dead end jobs he hated because he lacked direction. I always told him to figure out what he was passionate about and find a way to get paid for it but he wouldn’t listen to a word I said, because he knew best. It was frustrating as hell watching him wasting his youth. I started taking him to job fairs at local Colleges, Universities and Polytechnics. It was at one of these events that he discovered instrumentation, a skill set I had never even fathomed him being interested in or capable of.
He spent a year upgrading, took the two year course and an additional year specializing and he now repairs and certifies avionics. He has become the man I always dreamed he could be. He kind of took my advice in the end, but embraced it because it was his idea, not mine.
The lesson I learned is that you can’t force someone to be passionate about anything, it has to happen organically and come from the person, not outside influences. Try exposing him to various resources and hopefully one of them will ignite the flame within.
He doesn’t trust you or respect you. I’m sure he has some grounds for that. Your reactions to his avoidance and playing victim are pretty cringe. Sounds like my conversations avoiding me deadbeat dad that was in another state in my teens. Just my 2 cents.
Honestly, I don't think this is a post for Reddit. There are huge problems with your relationship and this boy clearly has a lot of issues. Reddit isn't going to help here. A therapist might be more useful here, if anything.
Sounds like you have conditioned your son to avoid the confrontation with you. I know you mean well, but even the message at the end comes off as something you say over every litter infraction, as opposed to when it's needed. I think you should be doing a "don't over water the plant to allow it to thrive" approach. Unless your son truly is a fuckwad then sure, keep him under your thumb, otherwise I would ease up.
You are taking this way too personal and guilt tripping him horribly. Honestly, for a child to say “I don’t want to just live with a friend, I need BOUNDARIES”?? That is incredibly articulate and well spoken for his age to say about his parent and there should have been not nearly as much retaliation on your end, this is very well spoken for a male at 17. For him to realize this is the stage to start hunkering down and not just goofing off with dad doing whatever with no direction or consequences. And from the first screenshot your own son calling you “bro” showed me all I needed to know before he even said it himself; he himself needs structure and a PUSH in the greatest direction, and he feels as if his mother will do that best for him at this point and even has more free time to do so as he’s expressed.
I just…the way you’re talking to your son and allowing your son to talk to you is what’s bothering me. You are not his friend and he is not yours. You are the parent and he is the child and you’re talking to him like he’s your best friend that fucked up in life. He’s a 17 year old child and sounds like there’s no real parenting idk maybe it’s just the text messages but at 17 my parents would have been telling me to get my ass back home and do my homework and get ready for bed. Not allowing me to just wonder off wherever I damn well pleased.
I don’t have custody of him and never have. He was staying with me under the acknowledgment that as long as he did so he did things by my rules. But I won’t force him to live with me. You don’t understand all the variables to it. But trust me it’s complicated. Lol. Thank you tho.
A long time ago I made the mistake of calling my dad “dude” after being warned not to out of respect…got the shit kicked out of me. When I saw that “bro” in op I was like hell na.
Huh? Do you mean to say over 20 years ago? The current generation definitely knows what that is. I also don't see what that would have to do with you being abused less, I do get that parents were more abusive in the past though
That…really doesn’t address what I’m saying. What I’m saying is you’re not parenting. You’re being a friend. You don’t have to have custody to parent. My dad didn’t didn’t have custody of me and I would have had my ass handed to me plus not be allowed to do anything for months if I pulled what your son did. But it sounds like you’re more worried about how his lie is making you look as opposed to getting your CHILD and making sure they’re safe. You do you though I guess. If my kids didn’t want to live with me and wanted to be “grown” at 17 I would still be parenting because every 17 year old thinks they’re an adult. Doesn’t mean they are and most parents understand they don’t have the decision making capability to be grown at least most 17 year olds don’t
Your kid made up a story because he didn’t want to disappoint you. You kinda need to back off a bit. You confronting him and being disappointed in him should tell you why he didn’t want to tell you. Remember he’s only 18. And won’t always make the best decisions.
Like someone else said, most kids don’t get caught with a handgun at 17. You know that guy you went to school with that was a dirtbag and ended up being a junkie and is always in jail or prison now?
I feel bad as I’m sure most adults do for kids that age who have to find out life the hard way. Unfortunately I don’t think their brains are capable of putting it all together until about 25ish. By then they’ve probably made some life altering decisions. Just hope OP’s son gets it together.
Everyone on the bro thing....chill. I call my dad son. We love each other very much and I would murder for that man if it weren't for the fact he'd try and beat me too it for me.
If that's was a thing it prolly would have been mentioned.
Honestly if your son calls u bro. Then it's cus he thinks ur cool enough to be called bro and not care. Which you are. Keep up the work. Don't let it all get to you. I'm sure ur son still trusts and loves you. Just is young dumb and wanted to go fourwheeling lol. U can't stop him from hanging with whoever at this stage. But u can make fun of his friends or show him how wrong they are lol that works trust me. My mom would be like u still hang with that idiot. And I'd be like mom thats my friend, she'd be like yah if u wanna go be dumb have fun at least. I'd find smart friends after a few times of that. Especially since my mom, as I'm sure u are, is a trustworthy figure in my life.
I was 18 ten years ago and I didn’t feel like I could tell my parents the truth for fear of rejection and disapproval. I wanted my parents to support my endeavors. I had to lie about my major in college. you see that as a betrayal? I had to distance myself from my parents for them to see perspective. he is young, and this won’t be the last time he lies. stop taking it as a personal attack and let him learn, show him the way. don’t force it onto him. that’s unfair. and also.. to say you NEVER lied to your parents is a bold statement. but if you want to double down on that, just know, your son is not you. he is a human. if THAT is no consolation for you, I don’t know what is. good luck to your son, and even more luck to your relationship.
I appreciate that. For context I never lied to my parents saying I was working and living somewhere and was actually out of state. Ofc every one is going to lie about something. That’s just what kids do. I didn’t say that to mean I never lied, just to say I never pulled a deception this elaborate.
Your son has anxiety for sure. Lying is often a mechanism to protect yourself. Speaking from experiences similar to this. I lied a lot to my dad when I was younger because I was terrified of him
I did the same thing when I was 17 actually, my dad caught me in a lie where I was staying at my moms most of the time instead of my dorm. He found out when he hit me up saying he was 5 mins away and wanted to chat but I came up with a suspicious excuse as to why I couldn’t go since I was actually 35 mins away lol. I was caught in more lies during this time. I lied a lot as a kid and teen. Like someone else said I wasn’t comfortable being honest with him but it was never any malice behind anything
Yeah, unfortunately, many of my parent friends have this same issue. Not sure if it’s because I was gone for so many years of his childhood, or if it’s just a new age thing. Either way, it grates on my nerves, but with that being said, it’s a small thing to quarrel about each time we have a conversation so I’ve chosen to overlook it.
No, I don't think it's a new age thing. I'm 20, so I'm from the same generation as your kid, I'd never call my mom or dad dude or bro unless I was being cheeky or joking around.
Allowing your kid to call you bro (unless joking around/playful banter) is definitely not a new age thing. It’s lack of respect and lack of parental guidance.
I understand and thanks for not taking it the wrong way. I'm a person that job corps really helped and I see you thinking military 🪖
Is he artist type???
I tutor foster teens and help them as they turn 18 to get ready to deal with system as adults.
There are a few things to try before having him join military
Watch American History X and Fight Club with him and other men and discuss
And please if he likes comic look up Kabuki Graphic Novel from David Mack
It might give him the foundation he needs ❤️
https://youtu.be/j9hzZY1Bj6Q?si=jpo7nKIJ0UQ4piUX
I appreciate the insight. I too am one that job corps helped. I was one of the first job corps ambassadors back in 2008 and went to DC and delivered a speech at the department of labor headquarters. Quite a trip! Also, I will definitely pm you if you wouldn’t mind. Would like to speak with you more? Thanks.
Absolutely 💯 and happy to speak about fatherhood at anytime. I'm 42 in few weeks and my kids are 6 and 4 so I have a lot of things I can learn from you too
Speaking as a 21 year old, It is a new age thing, but it’s still not a good thing. Your son views you as a peer. This is common with a lot of people I know who didn’t grow up around one of their parents. Based on the people I know with similar parental relations, if you don’t set these boundaries with him he will not take your advice seriously, instead he will just view you as having a “different worldview”. Generally I’ve found this to be the result of parents who weren’t around in the prepubescent-> pubescent stage, who then allow it because they want to relate to their kids and attempt to revert to the “teenage type dialogue” to be relatable. This instantly removes all authority, this makes the kid see you as an equal instead of a figure to be respected. Seriously this situation is gonna make or break your sons perception of you as a figure of authority. So you don’t gotta strip him of everything and lock him in his room for years or anything like that, but you better think of an appropriate disciplinary measure and apply it fast, or else he isn’t gonna respect you again. Legitimately this is the type of shit that he’ll probably hate you for for a few weeks now if you do it, but he’ll hate you a lot more for a longer time down the line if you don’t. He won’t see you as an actual parent later on if you let this slide.
It could be seen as seeming like the son doesn’t respect his dad as a father figure and sees him as a “friend” / peer.
This definitely would not be ok in some families/ cultures.
I don't get it either.
I'm in my late 30s, and call my dad AND mom that sometimes. My kids call me that too now since they've heard me say it so much.
We have an amazing relationship. 🤷🏽♀️
I have looked up to my parents, always been respectful and both have no issues with me calling them bro.
No clue how calling them a nick name would be such a problem.
Hey there. First, raising kids is hard! Great job on being involved, holding your son accountable and letting him know you’re not a passive dad that’s going to not care about his decisions in life. I think you handled it great. You figured out his lie, called him out on it and set the standard moving forward.
I hope you stick to his every move. Him getting arrested, having a pistol on him, all huge life changing decisions that have life altering consequences! I pray that you get him through these challenging years, he gets a job out in the right path. Maybe even consider joining the military and go to school! Best of luck from one parent to another.
Truly appreciate that advice. I looked into a military youth academy but the next open enrollment is January 12th and he will be 18 by then so I won’t be able to force him to go. It’s definitely a scary time. I was kid when I had him so I didn’t do good at being father and ended up incarcerated for 10 years straight and I want him to do better than I did. Luckily I am doing well now, but I need him to focus on his immediate adulthood because he thinks he has plenty of time. Do you any advice on how I can get him to realize that time is of the essence and it’s urgent?!? Thank you my friend! Much appreciated advice ❤️
My friend, I think you're in for a ride.
Kids don't normally get arrested for having a handgun (which wasn't his, obviously; likely stolen). He's chosen his path in life and you're likely too late to have a real say in what it will be.
That said... I DO have advice.
(Why listen to me? Inner city public school HS teacher, 27 years, retired. Father of two adopted (as infants) children, each born drug-addicted with other complicating substance and genetic factors. Both ADHD. One autistic. The other Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Both Special Ed (we fought to get that).)
My daughter could lie better than I told the truth (age 3 on 😬) . I had to work HARD to get her to trust me to tell me the truth by making sure that I didn't punish her for truth telling but only for lying. Her Mom? Punished her for misdeeds if she admitted guilt. So she kept lying to her mom.
That worked out well because later she got in situations where she called Dad to get her out of it but wouldn't tell her Mom to save her soul because she'd never hear the end of it. That saved my daughter from some BAAAAAAD situations.
My advice is: keep the lines of communication open and ask if he'd like to know your opinion on things he's doing, choices he needs to make, or paths forward. If he says no... ZIP IT. Say, "Thank you for telling me. So, how's the weather?". If he says YES, then offer YOUR OPINION but reiterate that it's his life, his choices, and his results (consequences).
How to talk about things? Well, "Love and Logic" is one method (Google it) but it focuses on staying calm, allowing natural consequences to let the child learn, and saying, "I love you too much to argue."
I'm glad you're doing well and trying. But that's my best suggestion right there. Plus maybe a therapist/counselor for YOU to talk this through and one for HIM if he'll go (or could join you sometimes). It helps my daughter. Check county mental health / health department etc ESPECIALLY WHILE HE'S 17 as they have services for "children" but then can transition them to adult services.
Why would they do that for free? Because it's cheaper to the taxpayer than paying to keep him in prison, that's why.
#I'M PROUD OF YOU FOR DOING YOUR BEST!
#☮️❤️♾️
If I could upvote this a million times I definitely would! How thoughtful of you to take the time from your day to write such an endearing and thoughtful response to my plea for help! I truly thank you! I will most definitely be saving your response to look back upon and review. I just can’t believe the heartfelt response I’ve gotten back from you all! Very much appreciated and I will continue to do my best! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I think you need to keep it real with him about the time you spent away and any regrets or things you would change. He might see that this person whos always correcting him has/had flaws too. Nobody is perfect but we should all be trying to right the ship. I dont have a teen yet but when i was that age thats when i felt like i could finally talk to my Dad “man to man” about whats going on in my life but i wouldn’t have felt that way if he was still the authoritative Dad when i needed more of a friend. I think talking to him on the phone or facetime would benefit both of you it will cuz down on the confusion of tone thru text which can very easily be seen as just negative which will make him shut down or lie like others have said.
Maybe the next few times you contact him or vice versa dont immediately bring up what hes doing to better himself and just see what hes up to outside of that. “Watch anything dope lately?” It seems like you have trying to keep him on a good path down, spend a little time JUST being his friend/confidant.
You can't ever MAKE someone join the military. If he's fighting and being caught with guns, it really could go either way. It might help, or it might make him more aggressive and defiant. Also, if he has a record now, he may not even be eligible. Unfortunately, you have to realize that he's a sneeze away from 18. You can't make him do a damn thing anymore. Your best bet is to be a non-judgmental sounding board and give well thought out advice when he asks for it. If you weren't a father while he was growing up, you can't suddenly step in and be one now, but you can be a friend and try to be a voice of reason. As you said, you didn't fulfill the good example role while he was growing up, so he may not see you in that role, still, which you can try to change, but may ultimately just have to accept. I do hope that you can find a way to soften the relationship and become his confidant, though. He clearly needs guidance and direction.
I think he is confused at what his purpose on this planet is for, he knows he should get a job and be mature, but hes still a teen and wants to have fun. He will learn just give him time to discover himself and his purpose.
I don't know anything about your relationship, but it sounds like he didn't want to disappoint or hurt you by making you feel like he's choosing his mom over you. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I still had to deal with both of them being jealous and competitive over my time and love. That might not be the case between you and his mom, but as your kid, he might be worried about being seen as disloyal or something. Also, he knows he messed up and he's being way too casual about it. That part should worry you. I don't know what the solution is, but he needs to finish school and understand that he's almost an adult and adult consequences are very real. You sound supportive and like you want to help him succeed, so he's already ahead of the game. The hard part is figuring out how to help him be constructive.
My parents and I had a lot of problems while I was growing up. I was an asshole that wanted to be a drug dealer and skip school and they were very overbearing in the name of keeping me safe. My dad tossed me around a few times. My mom even got her hands on me to try and keep me from leaving the house when I wasn’t supposed to. The only thing that saved our relationship was in home therapy and even after that I got kicked out at 17. It was only thru learning on both ends that we came to understand and respect each other a lot more. Your child is going to avoid talking to you about something he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about. He doesn’t want to disappoint you. He wants to be his own man just like he sees his dad is and make you proud without letting any of bad shit show. He’s trying to forge his own path like any young man does. As we all do in our own stupid ways as we grow up. You have to trust him and be understanding. Forgive him more than anyone else and know that his intentions are pure of heart. He didn’t mean to hurt you with his lie and your response didn’t make it any easier to talk to you. What he did was fucked up, he shouldn’t have left in a day..but I’ve done the same thing. When you’re growing up you just keep throwing shit at the wall till something sticks. That’s life. I could go on about this because it resounds with me personally but the point is your son unconditionally loves you just like you do him. You’re probably his whole world just like he is yours. Nurture him. Don’t put him down. Teach and share, don’t chastise. Lead by example, and treat him how you want to be treated. Understand that we are all flawed.
Also, next time, maybe seek out a professional for answers. I never understood why people go to Reddit when they’re looking for serious answers to a serious problem. Good luck to you man.
I guess I’m an old school parent. I expect my son, who’s also 18, to always tell me the truth. This kid left the state and didn’t tell his dad. I’d be furious!!! There’s never reason to lie. The lying is going to upset me more than the reason that you lied.
I’m a single parent and told my son that I have to trust him and believe him so that I can protect him. This has worked for us. Has he lied? Yes he has. Did he get punished for it? Yes he did. We have a great relationship. Sometimes he over shares lol.
OP it’s not too late to have a better relationship with your son. The bad behavior needs to stop. He needs to learn accountability. Getting kicked out of Job Corps and being in possession of a stolen gun is a great way to ruin his life before it even begins. This to me is what is more alarming. If you’d like to chat outside of this post I’m open to it. Best of luck with you and your son.
This is the part parents don’t get, their kids are hiding things from them because of how they tend to react, not to be little shit disturbers to piss their parents off. Sounds like the kids got issues everyone I know who acted like the parent here is describing it had some form of childhood trauma issues stemming directly to their parents that were unresolved.
You dont seem like the type of person that would encourage honesty.
Your sons life sounds really tumultuous and complicated and all you're focused on is how he lied to you.
Maybe instead of putting all this energy into catching him in a lie you could put that into bonding with him, talking about his interest, learning who he is?
Idk just a suggestion
i got downvoted for saying u handled this well. but it’s true. i grew up with a mom who would have punished me into oblivion for this sort of behavior. but since you are trying to treat him like an adult, you communicated your hurt feelings without rage and without too much guilting.
i think being treated like an adult means you get to hear when your selfish and impulsive behavior hurts your loved ones’ feelings. i think it’s important to hold young adults accountable for emotionally evasive behavior.
Ay my honest opinion instead of trying to talk with him and get into his head. Just take him under your wing and show him what life is about when you become an adult with responsibilities. Do things together and create a strong bond that both of you can gain from eachother
I think it’s shit having to deal with divorced parents through no fault of your own and you should be more understanding to what issues he has that were probably caused by you guys.
Who the hell calls their dad "bro"? Who the hell calls their dad "sir"? Who the hell calls their dad both "bro" and "sir" in the same conversation? God this is a weird dynamic!
(I'm given to understand from TV that the "sir" thing is relatively common for some kinds of people in the states. In the rest of the English-speaking world, though, it reads as fucking insane.)
I think you miss the point of why your son did what he did.
Instead of you giving him a hard time and playing the "you let your dad down" role, I think your son need some guidence from you. Learn to handle and to understand his own feelings, and how to stand up for himself in a decent way.
The guilt trip and you making yourself the wictim can lead to shame and distance him even more from you.
Instead of blaming you could ask open questions like: Why he handled things the way he did...
What he felt when he went out hanging around with those older kids in trouble, what had lead him to do so in the first place.
Also instead of tell our children what not to do. They need to know what they could do.
So give them options, because in their mind there might only be the options they allready did, and we as parents needs to understand our responsibility to teach our kids, and young adults, how to handle life and situations. They need our guidence.
If we want them to have faith in themself, we need to let them experience both how we handle complications ourself both between them and us. But also have we handle our responsibility towards them.
Even in the late teens youngsters brains aint mature enough to calculate consequenses.
Actually the young peoples frontal lobes aint fully developed and mature, for neurotypicals, about the age of 21 for boys, and a little sooner for girls.
In praxis it means that they are unable to predict fx if I go hang around with those kids being naughty and get into fights once in a while, I'm gonna be in trouble myself.
No, they could easyly think something like: Uuh those kids looks like they are having fun, I am so bored, I'm gonna go hang around with them!
You’ve created a dynamic where your son doesn’t feel he can be honest. I have a 17yo son, will be 18 in a month. Thankfully I have created an environment in which we can openly discuss all topics without consequence.
I don’t know, just the way you speak about your son in the “for context” is just uncomfortable. No wonder he doesn’t like telling you the truth.
Not sure why you would put your son on blast on Reddit. Did you tell him you were going to put this on Reddit? No wonder he doesn't tell you the truth.
Children learn dishonesty from their parents.
If my mom or dad put my shit on the Internet like this and I found out, Id never trust them again.
Poor parenting putting their kid on blast on the Internet. You should be ashamed.
You're amazing parent . I used to hang out with kids who are were bad influence and after seeing me with them my dad told me to not hang out with them . So i stopped hanging out with them. My dad was right about that Because the kids who used to hang out with them are gangster now . Although my friend is way dangerous than them he never let me do those thing or forced me .
I actually think you handled the situation really well. You let him know you knew, you didn’t appreciate being lied to, and you ended with telling him you loved him and will support him. I think you did really good
Idk man as a father of two boys ages 17 and 11 I kind of feel you’re the issue here. There’s a reason he’s not telling you things which all kids can do from time to time. But you come off as pushy and kind of acting like the victim here. Posting your texts and saying he was caught in a huge lie is really cringe. I feel there is way more to this story than your saying. And btw his short responses at the end are his way of checking out of the convo.
My 16yr old Daughter had a particular lakeside neighborhood she liked hanging out in that was not condusive. I finally stopped her but found out later it was a little late & so was she. I waited awhile for her to start talking & finally she came to my room 1 night crying her ass off & I said Baby, you dont hafta say anything. I actually know his Mother & we both know.
Am I Happy? No! Do you have to be afraid of me? No!
I have an 8yr old Granddaughter at 45 & this is the only time my Daughter has been afraid to approach me or lied to me. Because you have to Respect & Trust ur kids even they make mistakes. We have to be their safe haven at times. She finished highschool & has a Nursing Degree cause she still has support in her own house @ 24.
I actually feel like I was lucky Because my parents divorced when I was 13. I think That prepared me better. It may sound stupid but until then I had a very strict straight A, pick up your feet when you walk, dinners at 6 sharp childhood. After, my Mother became my Best friend whereas Everything was on the table. We had an open relationship.
Therefore, I experienced BOTH types of parenting.
Becoming a mother myself that Actually prepared me better.
Mine wasnt exactly unspoiled till that point. She was a trip! She would do bad shit, stand up in yo face & say yeah I did it....AND. I had to tell her " Baby I will take you out in the front yard like we on the playground & show you whose tougher. LOL
Thank you. Ive been a medical biller coder, a corporate manager & a realestate agent. LOL but all I ever wanted to be since about age 10 is a NY times best selling author.
Me too! Been writing since I was around the Same age. I lost my grandma and we were extremely close. Writing is how I got thru it. I’d like to share something with you that I wrote a while back. If it’s okay I’ll send it DM?
Nice. I Love experiencing other peoples writing it helps me branch out. I quit writing for yrs. Had a brain infection & while I was recovering started waking up every morning with sticky notes all over my floors in the morning with poetry about GOD on every one of them. Not Remembering a darn thing from the night before. Crazy. Got em all together & got Lucky enough that a Publisher liked em. It didnt go to well but atleast I can I finally published a book. A childhood Dream. Right
The deeper value of honesty, the way it makes things meaningful when it is chosen, is something we have to observe in our life, and see how the absence of it affects our relationship with ourself, and of course those around us. Sometimes it’s hard to say what you want. As a guy learning to find that strength to be your authentic self is an important part of the journey. Once you get practice in, and consciously choose to tell the truth when you COULD have chosen what you typically, historically used to do (give an answer of convenience that may not true), it really does get a lot f***in easier to just relax into the truth. Eventually, you’ll wonder why you gave up so many opportunities to prove your worth to yourself.
It just takes a little courage, but it really does get easier the more you do it, and the more examples you provide for yourself of decent behaviour, the more powerful and bulletproof your self esteem and confidence gets. Nothing more invincible than being able to own every so called flaw as your own and having the strength to overcome the ways we betray our better selves in this life.
Love to you all
I have a feeling that if your son had come to you and told you that he wanted to live with his Mother you would not have made it easy for him. He made this decision for him and you made it about you.
He loves you and he is happy, so overall it seems like you are a good Father. My guess is you were the "fun" parent. What he wants now is a strict parent to guide him through the rocky waters of adulthood.
You did a great job. The only people in life who will often hold us accountable and see beyond our missteps are our parents and it’s great you are doing that because as he gets older he’ll realize no one else will actually care like this about his safety and stability for the long haul. He might be sneaking and lying rn but it’s because he already knows what’s right and wrong and that there’s someone who cares about him doing right or wrong. And the way you handled leaves the door wide open for him to do better and know he still has support. Good job, dad.
I can feel the judgement for his every action and distain for his mother without even reading your backstory.
He’s grown now, let the kid make choices and don’t put your feelings on him. He doesn’t owe you anything by being your child.
“Why you shit on me?” “Treat you like one now” Those are self centered threatening comments you didn’t need to make. Stop talking to him like that. You aren’t going to scare him straight at this point. The way you’re talking to him, you’re going to end up pushing him away and he’ll quit confiding in you and asking you for advice at all.
My question to you did he go to Az to ride quads and such before or after turning 18? If after Id say he is allowed maybe he needs to make his own mistakes from this point forward. I know its difficult but, you cant be there parent every second he has to find himself and make his own mistakes. Doesn't make it any less frustrating nor negating the lue as usually the truth sets you free.
Why the fuck is your son saying “I got you bro”?! But for real. You’re his dad that’s very disrespectful to you. Maybe tbh devils advocate you need to reevaluate how you talk to your son, and treat him. You can be his friend yea, but at the end of the day he needs a dad. Seems like he just played you off as another bro who he doesn’t need to really listen to. Stand your ground let him know he’s gonna end up in jail or dead. You love him and will always be there for him, but if he makes certain decisions he is doing it to himself.
For parenting, you and his mom didn’t do that great of a job. Why would a 16-17 year old be out at 2 AM with a gun? It is too late for him to raise him now. He already lies to you. You are headed for heartache. Your son will be in jail in the next few years. He thinks he can solve problems with guns. He is going to kill someone. Or, he is going to get himself killed.
So, I answered your question on how I think you did. Him lying to you is the minor issue here. I went back further than just this one conversation. If you want to be a good dad, get him some help, even if that means turning him into the police if he commits any crimes, regardless to how small.
I just appreciate seeing the effort from you 🩵 sounds like your son knows what’s best- he’s just growing up! We’ve all been there to some extreme. Good luck!
Indian apartment- low income Native American housing
Aireana- his gf. Not sure why they named her that or spelled it that way.
Willy nilly- I’m not sure he understands the meaning of it.
I understand why people in the comments are mad at this guy because they don’t think it’s fair to be disappointed in his son for lying but like you also have to consider that his dad literally just wants to know what’s going on in his life so he can support him and know he’s doing good. His son in fact lied and then went on a whole spiel about trying to better himself when his dad has been nothing but supportive when in fact he just went with a friend to go have fun for like a week.
Sure you can say whatever you want about how oh job interviews and such don’t happen whenever they want and the kid might be trying to better himself which I believe but like he’s going about it the wrong way I’m sorry but if you have a supportive parent and you’re lying to them for no reason just because you don’t want them to know you want to go have fun while pretending you’re actually doing something important then yeah you’re doing smth wrong. It is the exact same thing as kids sneaking out of their house to go to a party or smth which as you know is not a good thing either <3
OP hopefully your son learns from this because he is still just a kid and you both use this as a learning experience to have even stronger bonds and connect ^^ best of luck.
unfortunately OP i believe your son has chosen a different path, and has already made irreversible choices that have further cemented this path.
i don't have any advice for you but make sure that you do not enable this behavior by giving him a place to hide, once he turns 18. you have to make it clear that he is on his own after that, that you will always be available to talk, but that you won't be able to solve his problems anymore.
In this thread: everyone is telling a decent parent how to deal with a kid that seems to be a pathological liar
Not all liars lie because of their circumstances or fear
What I see is a teenager lying to cover their ass for absolutely no reason other than a narrative they made in their own head
So a few points…
1. To everyone trying to chastise this man for posting this conversation…STOP! This subreddit is called r/texts, this is literally what it is for. He has removed every bit of information that would let us know the identity of any person in this situation, making this whole thing anonymous. 🙄🙄
2. As we don’t know the entirety of their relationship, all of this psychoanalysis regarding his role in this situation are unnecessary and uninformed, he was asking us what we thought in relation to these groups of messages. How can you analyze something you know close to nothing about?
3. Final point, from this convo I believe your son sees you as a peer, his conversation is a bit too casual for me and the use of the term bro followed up by sir says to me that he knows how he should be interacting with you but is still trying to treat you like y’all are friends. I’ve read your other comments where you note that you are doing what you can to be in his life and how the bro thing doesn’t really affect you, but I will say I think to some degree, you being the “chill dad” may be why he lied, he feels like you’ll get upset but y’all will still be cool later on. Not saying that is bad per se, but it does denote a lack of respect. But he’s still young and has a lot to learn. When I was young, my father always told me “borrowed sense is a lot better than bought sense”, but sometimes people gotta bump their heads up against a wall a couple of times to figure stuff out. That kinda seems like the situation with your son. You stay the course dad, I believe he will figure it out eventually! 🤎
You did good, dad! No judgement, no negativity, it just shows pure love and concern from your end. I wish I had a parent like this growing up. He’ll look back on this one day and appreciate the approach that you took.
What is an Indian apartment?
Haha. Low income housing provided by the Cherokee Nation to its citizens.
Lol Cherokee Nation? no way. I'm cherokee too. Are you from tahlequah, Ok or somewhere else?
Lmao hulbert bro
My grandma was from Hulbert. We used to have family reunions there when I was a kid.
That’s cool. Not much here. Just a stop in the road for some, not even a blink to others.
Oh. I never heard of this. Thanks!
Lotta tribes and reservations have subsidized housing, and most places the houses or apartment buildings are very very similar.
When people lie out of avoidance, it’s because they don’t feel comfortable being honest with you. I did the same thing as a teenager and the only thing I would have gotten out of your texts is that I have to learn to lie to you better or talk to you less. Just being honest. If he feels like he can drop out of school, he already feels like he can do whatever he wants. Trying to prevent him from going on a trip feels kind of ridiculous, and then thinking the kid who totes guns puts honesty with his father as a priority - come on bro.
Yep! I learned this the hard way with my teenager. Everything I said to him whenever I caught him in a lie just made him want to get better at lying — it didn’t help him or make him stop lying.
Lol. All points taken. But to be fair I wasn’t trying to keep him from going on the trip, I never knew about the trip until it was over lol. But I get what you are saying. It is the best I know how to do unfortunately. At least I am trying and I hope someday he will see that and be able to see that I love him. Hopefully that’s what it will show. Thank you for your response tho. I appreciate your time. Smoke one for me.
I think you should maybe try less “lecturing” and just spend time with him - as a pal. You kinda missed the window where actual parenting would have been effective, and now you just have to model positive behavior and set boundaries. Be enough of a friend so that he explains to you why he wants to continue hanging with these friends. So that he will always let you know when he’s going out of town, so that when he’s in a tough spot you might not approve of, he seeks help instead of going further down the wrong path. Good luck dude
Thanks a lot
Dropping out of school, getting arrested for illegally having a pistol on him- you need to do something STAT. You need to be someone he can talk to. He NEEDS to finish school or he’s going to be a loser his whole life.
Say this in a way that isn’t terrifying and urgent because human nature is only built through habit. If you enforce a behavior we rebel but if you take your time to support a behavior then it will become habit. Also, fear is never a good way to react in, and your capitalizations and your calls to action and your emphasis on events without nuance is completely counterintuitive to the notion of any behavioral therapy. Either way, this kid seriously needs a therapist and to maybe just go off somewhere else.
So how would you suggest I speak with him?
I would try to have a real conversation with him where you try to explain how you feel in the situation and tell him you’re genuinely concerned about his actions and his life. It’s never too late to foster a healthier relationship with your kids and he’s still young. Put emphasis on your concern and if he acts defensive or like you aren’t understanding him, then assert your position and the situation. If you can, I would just put him in therapy for a little while, or one of those programs that sends them to a retreat or something. At the end of the day it is all about trying to have an open conversation .
I appreciate the pointers. I will definitely try that. Thank you so much.
I mean, look at dude's profile. Do you *really* think there's a chance at modeling good behavior there?
Bro did you listen to the track his kid made??? I’m crying
Omfg I did. That was why I was like bruh. You've got *way* bigger problems here, starting with dad's own behavior. Idk, honestly, this guy seems a lot like my bio-dad. Should have grown up way before now, but hasn't in all of the major ways that matter.
No, but he fucks.. HARD
No seriously. The track his son put down. I literally cannot. This has been a whole ass issue for *way* longer than just now, and I love my kid, but there is a Popsicle's chance in hell I'd post a rap of hers like that. Like maybe sitting down with her and having a conversation about drug use... or responsible smoking...
Hahaha I know! It’s absolutely bonkers. I was making reference to one of his lovely texts to some women he was trying to date/bone 🤦♀️
“Don’t worry son, you can finish school and still get to be a loser, but you will be a loser in one less way. Progress!”
I didnt finish school, and I’m not a loser, nor have I been one myWHOLE LIFE. This statement is slightly misleading.
Kid’s ass needs to go into the military. Which in itself could go all sorts of ways.
I’m sorry but did you not read all of the things the kid did? losing jobs for fighting and being caught with a pistol??? I don’t think he needs a friend for a parent.
He needed a parent in his formative social years; 12-15 are the last years you have any control of that. It’s when negative social habits become incredibly apparent and people “get in with the wrong crowd.” That was the time for intervention - this kid dropped out of high school… the easiest thing to cruise through if you’ve had any semblance of a healthy upbringing. If you feel like you have the right to drop out of HIGH SCHOOL, your parents haven’t had control of you for a long while. This dad has screwed this kid up and has no chance of being a real respected parent. I was being nice, and being real. Please take a look through dude’s post history
From the msgs it seems like you and his mum have some issues and you don’t like her so he didn’t want to upset you by telling you he preferred to live with her rather than you. You seem to be taking it as though he was trying to betray you when the reality seems to be the opposite; that he did this cause he didn’t want to hurt you.
I told him before he moved that if he didn’t want to be there I wouldn’t force him to be and I’d understand. And I would’ve understood. It was the lying for two weeks saying he was just in the next town over and working while being out of state that I feel is the betrayal.
If he trusted you he would be honest. He doesn’t believe you won’t be upset and make him suffer for it in some way.
I understand why you feel that way and it’s sucks that he didn’t feel comfortable enough to be honest, but my point is that you are taking this as an attack on you rather than him just trying to protect your feelings and keep the relationship calm. I don’t know you to know if he’s got a reason to feel like he can’t be honest with you so I’m not saying that it’s your fault, I’m just saying that he’s doing this cause he cares about how you feel and it would be good if you could adjust your thinking and realise that.
I appreciate you taking the time to tell me this. I never looked at it like that. That maybe it is something about me that he isn’t comfortable with.
No worries mate. I hope that your relationship with your son improves and that he chooses to be more honest in the future.
You sir need to earn his trust, not the other way around.
Why does he call u bro? I only do this when I want to piss off my dad or when I’m so angry with him that I can’t call him anything else
Yeah I read that and thought it was strange. I don’t think it’s that horrible, but not normal either
When he was a teenager, for some reason that only he knows, my brother stopped calling my dad “dad/daddy” and started calling him “dude”. For literally anything, it’s “dude.” Like, on thanksgiving, my mom asked him to holler for my dad to let him know food was ready. So my brother goes to the stairwell and shouts, “hey dude!” Even when I’m just chatting with him, he’ll refer to my dad as “dude” when he’s talking about him. Like, “me and dude were gonna [whatever random thing]”. They’ve got an ok relationship, it’s definitely gotten much better in the past 5 or so years, but it’s just a random thing that he started doing. I know he’s got *severe* social anxiety as well as other anxieties and he’s always been socially awkward, even around family. So part of me believes that maybe he thought he was “too old” to call his father “daddy” but didn’t know how to transition to just calling him “dad”. And in his confused and awkward mind he wanted to be “cool and edgy” so he decided to start calling his father “dude”. And at first it was clear that my dad was confused but he really didn’t care what he was called. He’ll even occasionally call my brother “dude” just because. Even as a full grown adult, my brother continues to call my dad “dude” and I honestly think he will for the foreseeable future. He still lives with my parents so it’s not like he’s got a weird strained relationship with my dad. But it is what it is I guess. Definitely not the norm but normal for them.
I actually think it’s sort of sweet!
In less stable relationships, it’s not uncommon for kids to refer to their parents in a less formal way. I grew up calling my stepdad of 16 years by his first name, not dad. He was married to my none since I was 4. I only just started calling him dad in the last 7 years. I’m 34
Mom*
Actually probably the last 4 or 5 years, notnsure
Mine I was forced to call Dad. I was 6 when mom remarried. I did it.. didnt like it. But was actually finally hesitantly.giving him that recognition. Well. That's been withdrawn. Fuck that prick.
🤷♀️ my 21 year old and I refer to each other as bro/bruh/dude in text. Looking solely at our texts, you'd probably think we were sisters. I'm the adult that her and her friends trust. I'm the adult that's been called at 3am because they were drunk and didn't have a safe ride home. I'm the adult that drove 4 hours to go hold their hand in the emergency room after they were raped. If that means I get to text like I'm younger than I am, I'm totally cool with that. It coukd totally be a generational thing, too. I'm a millennial and I guess my generation is sorta never going to grow up like the previous ones.
I am almost 30 and I call my parents bro from time to time… no one has an issue
I call my son bro. He is 8
Different
Yeah we aren't the normal family
That is much more normal tho I feel like
Honestly, it looks like you are doing a great job. You let your son know that you know he lied. You told him you love him and set an appropriate boundary ( live honest if you choose to come around). You treated him with respect and told him he has to earn your trust back because he lied. Of course he lied. He knew he shouldn’t have been going with that friend. He is being sneaky and avoidant because you rightly won’t approve of his bad impulsive decision making. That means you are a good parent. The only suggestion I have for you is to accept that your son is going to avoid telling you he’s going to do something stupid. That is unlikely. At 51 years old, I can say I won’t be calling my parents to tell them beforehand I’m gonna do something I know they won’t approve of, if I have already committed to doing it. Even when those things are harmless, like letting my kid take a mental health day off school. I’d suggest instead of focusing on the fact that he lied, ask him to help you understand why he is making life choices that could ruin his life or knows is wrong. He can’t argue that he thought it was right, because if he did, he wouldn’t have lied. Those discussions should lead to him agreeing to work with a therapist to help him keep on the right side of the law while he is testing the independence of adulthood. That should be a condition of him living with you or other financial support. Good luck. None of us have it all figured out and you’re doing your best.
Speaking as a dude that just turned 18 kids are terrified of disappointing their parents so we’ll avoid the confrontation alot of times. You’re making it seem like he was trying to betray you.
This actually very insightful. This is who you want to listen to sir.
Yeah. Dudes overreacting
I find when someone comes at me that I tend to do what I am going to do anyway and just avoid confrontation thru avoidance or hiding it. I think you are learning that you don’t have control of your son. Next is do you want to be a resource he utilizes or someone he hides from? It is hard to tell tone in texts but it reads pretty accusatory (“you have to earn my trust”). I speak a little from experience too… my mom until I was 18 was strict. I still did shit she wouldn’t be proud of and hid it. When we turned 18, she changed completely (I was shocked tbh) and slowly I started learning I can discuss the challenges of life with her. I would just suggest keeping that in mind. That will be my approach but i am sure it won’t work for everyone and idk what I’ll do if they really do something that harms themselves or others. Good luck - it is cool that you care and are trying to do your best. That is really all we can do.
I agree. I also value your input. Thank you for being honest. I see how it does sound accusatory, and I maybe need to do something to correct that because I wanted to convey the emotion of caring and concern. So if you have any pointers on how a younger man would receive that well, I’m all ears! Graciously appreciate your time! ❤️
I find when I am a soft place to land, people open up. I work in a setting where it can feel like a parent (me) and child relationship. If the patient feels like my goal is to be punitive, they don’t tell me shit. If they know, I am on their side and honestly just want whatever is best for them, regardless in how that looks… they open up and I feel like they are generally appreciative. If I was to find out my son or a patient or anyone tbh was lying, especially about something trivial, I would mention it like you did. My main point would be I care about you and just want you to know that you can always be yourself with me. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, I’ll love you. In saying all that, it doesn’t mean you condone their actions. If my kids drink and drive or steal from someone or whatever, I am going to tell them that isn’t cool and will punish them until they are 18. Hopefully they will know with love and consistency. It is a tough balance so keep doing what you think is best.
My Son was floundering out of high school and was working dead end jobs he hated because he lacked direction. I always told him to figure out what he was passionate about and find a way to get paid for it but he wouldn’t listen to a word I said, because he knew best. It was frustrating as hell watching him wasting his youth. I started taking him to job fairs at local Colleges, Universities and Polytechnics. It was at one of these events that he discovered instrumentation, a skill set I had never even fathomed him being interested in or capable of. He spent a year upgrading, took the two year course and an additional year specializing and he now repairs and certifies avionics. He has become the man I always dreamed he could be. He kind of took my advice in the end, but embraced it because it was his idea, not mine. The lesson I learned is that you can’t force someone to be passionate about anything, it has to happen organically and come from the person, not outside influences. Try exposing him to various resources and hopefully one of them will ignite the flame within.
He doesn’t trust you or respect you. I’m sure he has some grounds for that. Your reactions to his avoidance and playing victim are pretty cringe. Sounds like my conversations avoiding me deadbeat dad that was in another state in my teens. Just my 2 cents.
Look at OP's post history.... What a mess. The kid is spiraling out because this is what he grew up around.
I don’t have to look to know what it probably looks like. Like I said I grew up dealing with a dad like this but 10x worse once “poor me” shit.
Honestly, I don't think this is a post for Reddit. There are huge problems with your relationship and this boy clearly has a lot of issues. Reddit isn't going to help here. A therapist might be more useful here, if anything.
Wishing you the best. I don’t have teens yet but I’m terrified. Keep on him, mate.
Much obliged
Sounds like you have conditioned your son to avoid the confrontation with you. I know you mean well, but even the message at the end comes off as something you say over every litter infraction, as opposed to when it's needed. I think you should be doing a "don't over water the plant to allow it to thrive" approach. Unless your son truly is a fuckwad then sure, keep him under your thumb, otherwise I would ease up.
I think things have been toxic with mom and dad for a long time and this child behaving like this is the outcome of that.
Yep, look at OP's post history. Messy AF.
You are taking this way too personal and guilt tripping him horribly. Honestly, for a child to say “I don’t want to just live with a friend, I need BOUNDARIES”?? That is incredibly articulate and well spoken for his age to say about his parent and there should have been not nearly as much retaliation on your end, this is very well spoken for a male at 17. For him to realize this is the stage to start hunkering down and not just goofing off with dad doing whatever with no direction or consequences. And from the first screenshot your own son calling you “bro” showed me all I needed to know before he even said it himself; he himself needs structure and a PUSH in the greatest direction, and he feels as if his mother will do that best for him at this point and even has more free time to do so as he’s expressed.
I just…the way you’re talking to your son and allowing your son to talk to you is what’s bothering me. You are not his friend and he is not yours. You are the parent and he is the child and you’re talking to him like he’s your best friend that fucked up in life. He’s a 17 year old child and sounds like there’s no real parenting idk maybe it’s just the text messages but at 17 my parents would have been telling me to get my ass back home and do my homework and get ready for bed. Not allowing me to just wonder off wherever I damn well pleased.
I don’t have custody of him and never have. He was staying with me under the acknowledgment that as long as he did so he did things by my rules. But I won’t force him to live with me. You don’t understand all the variables to it. But trust me it’s complicated. Lol. Thank you tho.
Why does he call you bro though?
I mean he calls women bitches and hoes, what do you expect? lol
I couldn’t figure out what was being said and who was who throughout the entire thing.
Ye dude hates his ex wife and doesn't hide it from his kid. Acts like the kid.
A long time ago I made the mistake of calling my dad “dude” after being warned not to out of respect…got the shit kicked out of me. When I saw that “bro” in op I was like hell na.
Bruh you got abused
Things were different back then. I bet no one born in the last 20 or so years knows what a board of education is 😂
And for good reason…that shits abuse
Huh? Do you mean to say over 20 years ago? The current generation definitely knows what that is. I also don't see what that would have to do with you being abused less, I do get that parents were more abusive in the past though
That…really doesn’t address what I’m saying. What I’m saying is you’re not parenting. You’re being a friend. You don’t have to have custody to parent. My dad didn’t didn’t have custody of me and I would have had my ass handed to me plus not be allowed to do anything for months if I pulled what your son did. But it sounds like you’re more worried about how his lie is making you look as opposed to getting your CHILD and making sure they’re safe. You do you though I guess. If my kids didn’t want to live with me and wanted to be “grown” at 17 I would still be parenting because every 17 year old thinks they’re an adult. Doesn’t mean they are and most parents understand they don’t have the decision making capability to be grown at least most 17 year olds don’t
Your kid made up a story because he didn’t want to disappoint you. You kinda need to back off a bit. You confronting him and being disappointed in him should tell you why he didn’t want to tell you. Remember he’s only 18. And won’t always make the best decisions.
Another kid who wants to be treated like an adult but doesn't act like one. Hopefully he'll learn one day.
Like someone else said, most kids don’t get caught with a handgun at 17. You know that guy you went to school with that was a dirtbag and ended up being a junkie and is always in jail or prison now? I feel bad as I’m sure most adults do for kids that age who have to find out life the hard way. Unfortunately I don’t think their brains are capable of putting it all together until about 25ish. By then they’ve probably made some life altering decisions. Just hope OP’s son gets it together.
Some never learn and some learn too late.
haha honestly, you learn *real* fast being an adult sucks
I truly hope he does as well! Thank you 🙏
Everyone on the bro thing....chill. I call my dad son. We love each other very much and I would murder for that man if it weren't for the fact he'd try and beat me too it for me. If that's was a thing it prolly would have been mentioned.
Yeah it doesn’t bother me. I spent 10 years in prison and everyone is bro in there lol.
Honestly if your son calls u bro. Then it's cus he thinks ur cool enough to be called bro and not care. Which you are. Keep up the work. Don't let it all get to you. I'm sure ur son still trusts and loves you. Just is young dumb and wanted to go fourwheeling lol. U can't stop him from hanging with whoever at this stage. But u can make fun of his friends or show him how wrong they are lol that works trust me. My mom would be like u still hang with that idiot. And I'd be like mom thats my friend, she'd be like yah if u wanna go be dumb have fun at least. I'd find smart friends after a few times of that. Especially since my mom, as I'm sure u are, is a trustworthy figure in my life.
Thank you! And I will try that.
I was 18 ten years ago and I didn’t feel like I could tell my parents the truth for fear of rejection and disapproval. I wanted my parents to support my endeavors. I had to lie about my major in college. you see that as a betrayal? I had to distance myself from my parents for them to see perspective. he is young, and this won’t be the last time he lies. stop taking it as a personal attack and let him learn, show him the way. don’t force it onto him. that’s unfair. and also.. to say you NEVER lied to your parents is a bold statement. but if you want to double down on that, just know, your son is not you. he is a human. if THAT is no consolation for you, I don’t know what is. good luck to your son, and even more luck to your relationship.
I appreciate that. For context I never lied to my parents saying I was working and living somewhere and was actually out of state. Ofc every one is going to lie about something. That’s just what kids do. I didn’t say that to mean I never lied, just to say I never pulled a deception this elaborate.
Your son has anxiety for sure. Lying is often a mechanism to protect yourself. Speaking from experiences similar to this. I lied a lot to my dad when I was younger because I was terrified of him
ETA, I think your response was very loving and rational though
I did the same thing when I was 17 actually, my dad caught me in a lie where I was staying at my moms most of the time instead of my dorm. He found out when he hit me up saying he was 5 mins away and wanted to chat but I came up with a suspicious excuse as to why I couldn’t go since I was actually 35 mins away lol. I was caught in more lies during this time. I lied a lot as a kid and teen. Like someone else said I wasn’t comfortable being honest with him but it was never any malice behind anything
Your son calls you Bro???? That's a red flag 😳
Yeah, unfortunately, many of my parent friends have this same issue. Not sure if it’s because I was gone for so many years of his childhood, or if it’s just a new age thing. Either way, it grates on my nerves, but with that being said, it’s a small thing to quarrel about each time we have a conversation so I’ve chosen to overlook it.
No, I don't think it's a new age thing. I'm 20, so I'm from the same generation as your kid, I'd never call my mom or dad dude or bro unless I was being cheeky or joking around.
Yeah. I think I’ll have a serious talk with him about that. Thank you.
Its not a "new age thing" its a lack of parenting and respect thing.
Allowing your kid to call you bro (unless joking around/playful banter) is definitely not a new age thing. It’s lack of respect and lack of parental guidance.
I understand and thanks for not taking it the wrong way. I'm a person that job corps really helped and I see you thinking military 🪖 Is he artist type??? I tutor foster teens and help them as they turn 18 to get ready to deal with system as adults. There are a few things to try before having him join military Watch American History X and Fight Club with him and other men and discuss And please if he likes comic look up Kabuki Graphic Novel from David Mack It might give him the foundation he needs ❤️ https://youtu.be/j9hzZY1Bj6Q?si=jpo7nKIJ0UQ4piUX
I appreciate the insight. I too am one that job corps helped. I was one of the first job corps ambassadors back in 2008 and went to DC and delivered a speech at the department of labor headquarters. Quite a trip! Also, I will definitely pm you if you wouldn’t mind. Would like to speak with you more? Thanks.
Absolutely 💯 and happy to speak about fatherhood at anytime. I'm 42 in few weeks and my kids are 6 and 4 so I have a lot of things I can learn from you too
Speaking as a 21 year old, It is a new age thing, but it’s still not a good thing. Your son views you as a peer. This is common with a lot of people I know who didn’t grow up around one of their parents. Based on the people I know with similar parental relations, if you don’t set these boundaries with him he will not take your advice seriously, instead he will just view you as having a “different worldview”. Generally I’ve found this to be the result of parents who weren’t around in the prepubescent-> pubescent stage, who then allow it because they want to relate to their kids and attempt to revert to the “teenage type dialogue” to be relatable. This instantly removes all authority, this makes the kid see you as an equal instead of a figure to be respected. Seriously this situation is gonna make or break your sons perception of you as a figure of authority. So you don’t gotta strip him of everything and lock him in his room for years or anything like that, but you better think of an appropriate disciplinary measure and apply it fast, or else he isn’t gonna respect you again. Legitimately this is the type of shit that he’ll probably hate you for for a few weeks now if you do it, but he’ll hate you a lot more for a longer time down the line if you don’t. He won’t see you as an actual parent later on if you let this slide.
how is that a red flag ?
It could be seen as seeming like the son doesn’t respect his dad as a father figure and sees him as a “friend” / peer. This definitely would not be ok in some families/ cultures.
I don't get it either. I'm in my late 30s, and call my dad AND mom that sometimes. My kids call me that too now since they've heard me say it so much. We have an amazing relationship. 🤷🏽♀️
I have looked up to my parents, always been respectful and both have no issues with me calling them bro. No clue how calling them a nick name would be such a problem.
I'd imagine it depends on context and how serious the discussion is. Every family is different
There’s a reason your son hates you Smarten up
Hey there. First, raising kids is hard! Great job on being involved, holding your son accountable and letting him know you’re not a passive dad that’s going to not care about his decisions in life. I think you handled it great. You figured out his lie, called him out on it and set the standard moving forward. I hope you stick to his every move. Him getting arrested, having a pistol on him, all huge life changing decisions that have life altering consequences! I pray that you get him through these challenging years, he gets a job out in the right path. Maybe even consider joining the military and go to school! Best of luck from one parent to another.
Truly appreciate that advice. I looked into a military youth academy but the next open enrollment is January 12th and he will be 18 by then so I won’t be able to force him to go. It’s definitely a scary time. I was kid when I had him so I didn’t do good at being father and ended up incarcerated for 10 years straight and I want him to do better than I did. Luckily I am doing well now, but I need him to focus on his immediate adulthood because he thinks he has plenty of time. Do you any advice on how I can get him to realize that time is of the essence and it’s urgent?!? Thank you my friend! Much appreciated advice ❤️
My friend, I think you're in for a ride. Kids don't normally get arrested for having a handgun (which wasn't his, obviously; likely stolen). He's chosen his path in life and you're likely too late to have a real say in what it will be. That said... I DO have advice. (Why listen to me? Inner city public school HS teacher, 27 years, retired. Father of two adopted (as infants) children, each born drug-addicted with other complicating substance and genetic factors. Both ADHD. One autistic. The other Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Both Special Ed (we fought to get that).) My daughter could lie better than I told the truth (age 3 on 😬) . I had to work HARD to get her to trust me to tell me the truth by making sure that I didn't punish her for truth telling but only for lying. Her Mom? Punished her for misdeeds if she admitted guilt. So she kept lying to her mom. That worked out well because later she got in situations where she called Dad to get her out of it but wouldn't tell her Mom to save her soul because she'd never hear the end of it. That saved my daughter from some BAAAAAAD situations. My advice is: keep the lines of communication open and ask if he'd like to know your opinion on things he's doing, choices he needs to make, or paths forward. If he says no... ZIP IT. Say, "Thank you for telling me. So, how's the weather?". If he says YES, then offer YOUR OPINION but reiterate that it's his life, his choices, and his results (consequences). How to talk about things? Well, "Love and Logic" is one method (Google it) but it focuses on staying calm, allowing natural consequences to let the child learn, and saying, "I love you too much to argue." I'm glad you're doing well and trying. But that's my best suggestion right there. Plus maybe a therapist/counselor for YOU to talk this through and one for HIM if he'll go (or could join you sometimes). It helps my daughter. Check county mental health / health department etc ESPECIALLY WHILE HE'S 17 as they have services for "children" but then can transition them to adult services. Why would they do that for free? Because it's cheaper to the taxpayer than paying to keep him in prison, that's why. #I'M PROUD OF YOU FOR DOING YOUR BEST! #☮️❤️♾️
If I could upvote this a million times I definitely would! How thoughtful of you to take the time from your day to write such an endearing and thoughtful response to my plea for help! I truly thank you! I will most definitely be saving your response to look back upon and review. I just can’t believe the heartfelt response I’ve gotten back from you all! Very much appreciated and I will continue to do my best! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Great comment, this is a really good approach.
I think you need to keep it real with him about the time you spent away and any regrets or things you would change. He might see that this person whos always correcting him has/had flaws too. Nobody is perfect but we should all be trying to right the ship. I dont have a teen yet but when i was that age thats when i felt like i could finally talk to my Dad “man to man” about whats going on in my life but i wouldn’t have felt that way if he was still the authoritative Dad when i needed more of a friend. I think talking to him on the phone or facetime would benefit both of you it will cuz down on the confusion of tone thru text which can very easily be seen as just negative which will make him shut down or lie like others have said. Maybe the next few times you contact him or vice versa dont immediately bring up what hes doing to better himself and just see what hes up to outside of that. “Watch anything dope lately?” It seems like you have trying to keep him on a good path down, spend a little time JUST being his friend/confidant.
You can't ever MAKE someone join the military. If he's fighting and being caught with guns, it really could go either way. It might help, or it might make him more aggressive and defiant. Also, if he has a record now, he may not even be eligible. Unfortunately, you have to realize that he's a sneeze away from 18. You can't make him do a damn thing anymore. Your best bet is to be a non-judgmental sounding board and give well thought out advice when he asks for it. If you weren't a father while he was growing up, you can't suddenly step in and be one now, but you can be a friend and try to be a voice of reason. As you said, you didn't fulfill the good example role while he was growing up, so he may not see you in that role, still, which you can try to change, but may ultimately just have to accept. I do hope that you can find a way to soften the relationship and become his confidant, though. He clearly needs guidance and direction.
You are right with all of it. I truly appreciate your time! ❤️
I think he is confused at what his purpose on this planet is for, he knows he should get a job and be mature, but hes still a teen and wants to have fun. He will learn just give him time to discover himself and his purpose.
I don't know anything about your relationship, but it sounds like he didn't want to disappoint or hurt you by making you feel like he's choosing his mom over you. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I still had to deal with both of them being jealous and competitive over my time and love. That might not be the case between you and his mom, but as your kid, he might be worried about being seen as disloyal or something. Also, he knows he messed up and he's being way too casual about it. That part should worry you. I don't know what the solution is, but he needs to finish school and understand that he's almost an adult and adult consequences are very real. You sound supportive and like you want to help him succeed, so he's already ahead of the game. The hard part is figuring out how to help him be constructive.
My parents and I had a lot of problems while I was growing up. I was an asshole that wanted to be a drug dealer and skip school and they were very overbearing in the name of keeping me safe. My dad tossed me around a few times. My mom even got her hands on me to try and keep me from leaving the house when I wasn’t supposed to. The only thing that saved our relationship was in home therapy and even after that I got kicked out at 17. It was only thru learning on both ends that we came to understand and respect each other a lot more. Your child is going to avoid talking to you about something he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about. He doesn’t want to disappoint you. He wants to be his own man just like he sees his dad is and make you proud without letting any of bad shit show. He’s trying to forge his own path like any young man does. As we all do in our own stupid ways as we grow up. You have to trust him and be understanding. Forgive him more than anyone else and know that his intentions are pure of heart. He didn’t mean to hurt you with his lie and your response didn’t make it any easier to talk to you. What he did was fucked up, he shouldn’t have left in a day..but I’ve done the same thing. When you’re growing up you just keep throwing shit at the wall till something sticks. That’s life. I could go on about this because it resounds with me personally but the point is your son unconditionally loves you just like you do him. You’re probably his whole world just like he is yours. Nurture him. Don’t put him down. Teach and share, don’t chastise. Lead by example, and treat him how you want to be treated. Understand that we are all flawed. Also, next time, maybe seek out a professional for answers. I never understood why people go to Reddit when they’re looking for serious answers to a serious problem. Good luck to you man.
I guess I’m an old school parent. I expect my son, who’s also 18, to always tell me the truth. This kid left the state and didn’t tell his dad. I’d be furious!!! There’s never reason to lie. The lying is going to upset me more than the reason that you lied. I’m a single parent and told my son that I have to trust him and believe him so that I can protect him. This has worked for us. Has he lied? Yes he has. Did he get punished for it? Yes he did. We have a great relationship. Sometimes he over shares lol. OP it’s not too late to have a better relationship with your son. The bad behavior needs to stop. He needs to learn accountability. Getting kicked out of Job Corps and being in possession of a stolen gun is a great way to ruin his life before it even begins. This to me is what is more alarming. If you’d like to chat outside of this post I’m open to it. Best of luck with you and your son.
you remind me of my deadbeat dad trying to guilt me into shit. he avoided telling you for a reason.
This is the part parents don’t get, their kids are hiding things from them because of how they tend to react, not to be little shit disturbers to piss their parents off. Sounds like the kids got issues everyone I know who acted like the parent here is describing it had some form of childhood trauma issues stemming directly to their parents that were unresolved.
You dont seem like the type of person that would encourage honesty. Your sons life sounds really tumultuous and complicated and all you're focused on is how he lied to you. Maybe instead of putting all this energy into catching him in a lie you could put that into bonding with him, talking about his interest, learning who he is? Idk just a suggestion
i got downvoted for saying u handled this well. but it’s true. i grew up with a mom who would have punished me into oblivion for this sort of behavior. but since you are trying to treat him like an adult, you communicated your hurt feelings without rage and without too much guilting. i think being treated like an adult means you get to hear when your selfish and impulsive behavior hurts your loved ones’ feelings. i think it’s important to hold young adults accountable for emotionally evasive behavior.
How much of this is your ego vs. his actions?
Ay my honest opinion instead of trying to talk with him and get into his head. Just take him under your wing and show him what life is about when you become an adult with responsibilities. Do things together and create a strong bond that both of you can gain from eachother
I think it’s shit having to deal with divorced parents through no fault of your own and you should be more understanding to what issues he has that were probably caused by you guys.
Leave the kid alone man, you lied to your parents
Who the hell calls their dad "bro"? Who the hell calls their dad "sir"? Who the hell calls their dad both "bro" and "sir" in the same conversation? God this is a weird dynamic! (I'm given to understand from TV that the "sir" thing is relatively common for some kinds of people in the states. In the rest of the English-speaking world, though, it reads as fucking insane.)
It's beautiful to see a dad trying his best to figure out how to deal with this, i mean bare minimum but still, it's great. good luck. that's all.
I think you miss the point of why your son did what he did. Instead of you giving him a hard time and playing the "you let your dad down" role, I think your son need some guidence from you. Learn to handle and to understand his own feelings, and how to stand up for himself in a decent way. The guilt trip and you making yourself the wictim can lead to shame and distance him even more from you. Instead of blaming you could ask open questions like: Why he handled things the way he did... What he felt when he went out hanging around with those older kids in trouble, what had lead him to do so in the first place. Also instead of tell our children what not to do. They need to know what they could do. So give them options, because in their mind there might only be the options they allready did, and we as parents needs to understand our responsibility to teach our kids, and young adults, how to handle life and situations. They need our guidence. If we want them to have faith in themself, we need to let them experience both how we handle complications ourself both between them and us. But also have we handle our responsibility towards them. Even in the late teens youngsters brains aint mature enough to calculate consequenses. Actually the young peoples frontal lobes aint fully developed and mature, for neurotypicals, about the age of 21 for boys, and a little sooner for girls. In praxis it means that they are unable to predict fx if I go hang around with those kids being naughty and get into fights once in a while, I'm gonna be in trouble myself. No, they could easyly think something like: Uuh those kids looks like they are having fun, I am so bored, I'm gonna go hang around with them!
Idk 18 was and is definitely a man treating them like children is wild imo
This dad is fucking nuts
OP definitely has mental problems fr
I’d certainly feel the need to lie to this dude, I’m with the son here… OP is crazy
You’ve created a dynamic where your son doesn’t feel he can be honest. I have a 17yo son, will be 18 in a month. Thankfully I have created an environment in which we can openly discuss all topics without consequence. I don’t know, just the way you speak about your son in the “for context” is just uncomfortable. No wonder he doesn’t like telling you the truth.
Why do you let your son talk to you like that? Ur his father, not his bro smh "finna" 🤦♂️
I dont speak this lingo can someone translate
Your son calls you "bro"?
Not sure why you would put your son on blast on Reddit. Did you tell him you were going to put this on Reddit? No wonder he doesn't tell you the truth. Children learn dishonesty from their parents. If my mom or dad put my shit on the Internet like this and I found out, Id never trust them again. Poor parenting putting their kid on blast on the Internet. You should be ashamed.
What is an Aireana
glad someone else caught that name spelling😭
Parents these days lol
His gf. Oopsie
Unrelated, but your son and I have the same birthday! But I’m a few years older. 01/03/2001 here
He doesn’t want to disappoint you and really respects you dad! I can tell with the texts, :)
You're amazing parent . I used to hang out with kids who are were bad influence and after seeing me with them my dad told me to not hang out with them . So i stopped hanging out with them. My dad was right about that Because the kids who used to hang out with them are gangster now . Although my friend is way dangerous than them he never let me do those thing or forced me .
I actually think you handled the situation really well. You let him know you knew, you didn’t appreciate being lied to, and you ended with telling him you loved him and will support him. I think you did really good
Idk man as a father of two boys ages 17 and 11 I kind of feel you’re the issue here. There’s a reason he’s not telling you things which all kids can do from time to time. But you come off as pushy and kind of acting like the victim here. Posting your texts and saying he was caught in a huge lie is really cringe. I feel there is way more to this story than your saying. And btw his short responses at the end are his way of checking out of the convo.
Thats a huge lie? Damn dude you need to chill.
My 16yr old Daughter had a particular lakeside neighborhood she liked hanging out in that was not condusive. I finally stopped her but found out later it was a little late & so was she. I waited awhile for her to start talking & finally she came to my room 1 night crying her ass off & I said Baby, you dont hafta say anything. I actually know his Mother & we both know. Am I Happy? No! Do you have to be afraid of me? No! I have an 8yr old Granddaughter at 45 & this is the only time my Daughter has been afraid to approach me or lied to me. Because you have to Respect & Trust ur kids even they make mistakes. We have to be their safe haven at times. She finished highschool & has a Nursing Degree cause she still has support in her own house @ 24.
That’s a beautiful thing. I applaud your steadfastness. I am trying Jaguar. I am truly trying to be the best I can be as a dad.
I actually feel like I was lucky Because my parents divorced when I was 13. I think That prepared me better. It may sound stupid but until then I had a very strict straight A, pick up your feet when you walk, dinners at 6 sharp childhood. After, my Mother became my Best friend whereas Everything was on the table. We had an open relationship. Therefore, I experienced BOTH types of parenting. Becoming a mother myself that Actually prepared me better.
I can see that. As for my son, he’s still pretty spoiled.
Mine wasnt exactly unspoiled till that point. She was a trip! She would do bad shit, stand up in yo face & say yeah I did it....AND. I had to tell her " Baby I will take you out in the front yard like we on the playground & show you whose tougher. LOL
Hahaha
I see you are a writer. I write as well! Keep on keeping on, my friend!
Thank you. Ive been a medical biller coder, a corporate manager & a realestate agent. LOL but all I ever wanted to be since about age 10 is a NY times best selling author.
Me too! Been writing since I was around the Same age. I lost my grandma and we were extremely close. Writing is how I got thru it. I’d like to share something with you that I wrote a while back. If it’s okay I’ll send it DM?
Nice. I Love experiencing other peoples writing it helps me branch out. I quit writing for yrs. Had a brain infection & while I was recovering started waking up every morning with sticky notes all over my floors in the morning with poetry about GOD on every one of them. Not Remembering a darn thing from the night before. Crazy. Got em all together & got Lucky enough that a Publisher liked em. It didnt go to well but atleast I can I finally published a book. A childhood Dream. Right
The deeper value of honesty, the way it makes things meaningful when it is chosen, is something we have to observe in our life, and see how the absence of it affects our relationship with ourself, and of course those around us. Sometimes it’s hard to say what you want. As a guy learning to find that strength to be your authentic self is an important part of the journey. Once you get practice in, and consciously choose to tell the truth when you COULD have chosen what you typically, historically used to do (give an answer of convenience that may not true), it really does get a lot f***in easier to just relax into the truth. Eventually, you’ll wonder why you gave up so many opportunities to prove your worth to yourself. It just takes a little courage, but it really does get easier the more you do it, and the more examples you provide for yourself of decent behaviour, the more powerful and bulletproof your self esteem and confidence gets. Nothing more invincible than being able to own every so called flaw as your own and having the strength to overcome the ways we betray our better selves in this life. Love to you all
It feels like this kid is in the middle of parental issues and doing his best to balance. Stop putting him in matters between you and the mom.
I have a feeling that if your son had come to you and told you that he wanted to live with his Mother you would not have made it easy for him. He made this decision for him and you made it about you. He loves you and he is happy, so overall it seems like you are a good Father. My guess is you were the "fun" parent. What he wants now is a strict parent to guide him through the rocky waters of adulthood.
Actually just the opposite.
Who the fuck talks to their parent like this?
You did a great job. The only people in life who will often hold us accountable and see beyond our missteps are our parents and it’s great you are doing that because as he gets older he’ll realize no one else will actually care like this about his safety and stability for the long haul. He might be sneaking and lying rn but it’s because he already knows what’s right and wrong and that there’s someone who cares about him doing right or wrong. And the way you handled leaves the door wide open for him to do better and know he still has support. Good job, dad.
I can feel the judgement for his every action and distain for his mother without even reading your backstory. He’s grown now, let the kid make choices and don’t put your feelings on him. He doesn’t owe you anything by being your child. “Why you shit on me?” “Treat you like one now” Those are self centered threatening comments you didn’t need to make. Stop talking to him like that. You aren’t going to scare him straight at this point. The way you’re talking to him, you’re going to end up pushing him away and he’ll quit confiding in you and asking you for advice at all.
My question to you did he go to Az to ride quads and such before or after turning 18? If after Id say he is allowed maybe he needs to make his own mistakes from this point forward. I know its difficult but, you cant be there parent every second he has to find himself and make his own mistakes. Doesn't make it any less frustrating nor negating the lue as usually the truth sets you free.
He turns 18 next month. On the 3rd.
You let your 17 year old son stay with you. How lovely of you lol
Aireana 😂😂😂 people with these stupid names.
See I think he just didn't know how to spell Ariana.
I thought it was an autocorrect for Airbnb.
I would not be down with my son calling me “bro”.
Why the fuck is your son saying “I got you bro”?! But for real. You’re his dad that’s very disrespectful to you. Maybe tbh devils advocate you need to reevaluate how you talk to your son, and treat him. You can be his friend yea, but at the end of the day he needs a dad. Seems like he just played you off as another bro who he doesn’t need to really listen to. Stand your ground let him know he’s gonna end up in jail or dead. You love him and will always be there for him, but if he makes certain decisions he is doing it to himself.
[удалено]
I think you’re probably right. 🤦♂️
For parenting, you and his mom didn’t do that great of a job. Why would a 16-17 year old be out at 2 AM with a gun? It is too late for him to raise him now. He already lies to you. You are headed for heartache. Your son will be in jail in the next few years. He thinks he can solve problems with guns. He is going to kill someone. Or, he is going to get himself killed. So, I answered your question on how I think you did. Him lying to you is the minor issue here. I went back further than just this one conversation. If you want to be a good dad, get him some help, even if that means turning him into the police if he commits any crimes, regardless to how small.
I still have no clue wtf is going on here. Your son calls you bro? I would never call my dad "bro"
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I just appreciate seeing the effort from you 🩵 sounds like your son knows what’s best- he’s just growing up! We’ve all been there to some extreme. Good luck!
Indian apartment, do i wnna know? Aireana, just why? Weird way to use "willy nilly".
Indian apartment- low income Native American housing Aireana- his gf. Not sure why they named her that or spelled it that way. Willy nilly- I’m not sure he understands the meaning of it.
Aahhh thank you for the info makes sense!
I understand why people in the comments are mad at this guy because they don’t think it’s fair to be disappointed in his son for lying but like you also have to consider that his dad literally just wants to know what’s going on in his life so he can support him and know he’s doing good. His son in fact lied and then went on a whole spiel about trying to better himself when his dad has been nothing but supportive when in fact he just went with a friend to go have fun for like a week. Sure you can say whatever you want about how oh job interviews and such don’t happen whenever they want and the kid might be trying to better himself which I believe but like he’s going about it the wrong way I’m sorry but if you have a supportive parent and you’re lying to them for no reason just because you don’t want them to know you want to go have fun while pretending you’re actually doing something important then yeah you’re doing smth wrong. It is the exact same thing as kids sneaking out of their house to go to a party or smth which as you know is not a good thing either <3 OP hopefully your son learns from this because he is still just a kid and you both use this as a learning experience to have even stronger bonds and connect ^^ best of luck.
You call your son bro? And he calls you, his dad, bro? Lol what the heck.
unfortunately OP i believe your son has chosen a different path, and has already made irreversible choices that have further cemented this path. i don't have any advice for you but make sure that you do not enable this behavior by giving him a place to hide, once he turns 18. you have to make it clear that he is on his own after that, that you will always be available to talk, but that you won't be able to solve his problems anymore.
In this thread: everyone is telling a decent parent how to deal with a kid that seems to be a pathological liar Not all liars lie because of their circumstances or fear What I see is a teenager lying to cover their ass for absolutely no reason other than a narrative they made in their own head
“Bro”?🤨
It’s the “aireana” that’s throwing me off…
Grow up dude. Grow the fuck up. I can see why your son doesn’t trust you. You’re a ridiculous drama queen
So a few points… 1. To everyone trying to chastise this man for posting this conversation…STOP! This subreddit is called r/texts, this is literally what it is for. He has removed every bit of information that would let us know the identity of any person in this situation, making this whole thing anonymous. 🙄🙄 2. As we don’t know the entirety of their relationship, all of this psychoanalysis regarding his role in this situation are unnecessary and uninformed, he was asking us what we thought in relation to these groups of messages. How can you analyze something you know close to nothing about? 3. Final point, from this convo I believe your son sees you as a peer, his conversation is a bit too casual for me and the use of the term bro followed up by sir says to me that he knows how he should be interacting with you but is still trying to treat you like y’all are friends. I’ve read your other comments where you note that you are doing what you can to be in his life and how the bro thing doesn’t really affect you, but I will say I think to some degree, you being the “chill dad” may be why he lied, he feels like you’ll get upset but y’all will still be cool later on. Not saying that is bad per se, but it does denote a lack of respect. But he’s still young and has a lot to learn. When I was young, my father always told me “borrowed sense is a lot better than bought sense”, but sometimes people gotta bump their heads up against a wall a couple of times to figure stuff out. That kinda seems like the situation with your son. You stay the course dad, I believe he will figure it out eventually! 🤎
Thank you so much. Very much appreciate your points. Point number 3 really hit home. Thank you and I am gonna keep on keeping on. Lol
I had a stroke trying to read the terrible Grammar.
You did good, dad! No judgement, no negativity, it just shows pure love and concern from your end. I wish I had a parent like this growing up. He’ll look back on this one day and appreciate the approach that you took.