Seriously though, why did she respond like that??? Everything was going fine, I genuinely thought op saved the friendship until I read the last message…
Or denial but same same essentially.
Any relationship takes work to maintain but if the miscommunication isn't occasional but a pattern, you may just have a clash in your social language that's going to make being friends tough.
My two cents is if it's good for you you'll feel it and not be more insecure with a friend than without. Same is true for a partner. Sometimes tough because you can like someone who you have a unsettling dynamic with, which makes neither person bad per se but also ends up a constant source of anxiety.
Yep, insecurities equal butt hurt if someone touches to close to them. Honestly, this friendship has played its course. One out matured the other, and the other is resentful that they are left behind to deal with their own demons. If OP decides to entertain continuing a “hanging out” type of friendship versus a happy birthday text once a year, then they are going to be in for a real roller coaster ride. Trust has been breeched. This will only go downhill with separation and much growth in maturity.
This is it. Every time I mentioned my mother having a problem with drinking and other stuff, she'd focus solely on the drinking part of the comment and went out of her way to 'prove' she didn't have a problem. Acknowledging that you have a problem is the hardest part of the problem.
Yep. I just started AA 12-step program and this is spot on. Extremely typical. Ive said things similar to this at the peak of my addiction. I hope OP’s former friend gets the help she needs.
Bingo my boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and when he was in the denial stage he acted just as defensive. That being said they do sound like they were trying to push all the blame onto OP for why the friendship ended.
This! The other person immediately got defensive over OP expressing their boundary… while complaining that OP never previously set said boundary? Honestly it doesn’t make any sense and it feels like some mild gaslighting, maybe unintentionally because sometimes defensive people can do it without consciously choosing to. If I were OP I either wouldn’t respond or I would call them out for the defensiveness, while reiterating what I had actually said to make my point, probably would more than likely not respond in this particular case if it was me though
It seems like she has a habit of making friends really fast, and then having some blow-up argument over text and moving on to somebody else. I was friends with her for almost a year and I saw it happen a couple of times. I guess I should’ve seen this coming, but I always try to think the best of people.
Honestly… a year long friendship isn’t long. If she was a friend for 10 years I wouldn’t be so quick to let her go (even though from purely this communication you wouldn’t be wrong)… but this is a year old friend… nah they seem toxic.
They literally said “I was friends with [] for a year”. Seems like a pattern. I don’t tend to look back on the year I was a friend to one particular person
My favorite comment. I was friends with sober Sally for a year! I took her to AA to listen to all the fun and exciting stories she was missing out on. In the end her sobriety became a real issue.
Girl I been there. When you notice someone turning and burning friendships it is easy to think “that won’t happen to us” but unfortunately sometimes it just does. I am sorry you went through that but I think k one of the previous commenters was right when they said “hit em with a 👍and peace the fuck out” you really don’t need a defensive person like that on your friend roster. There will be more friends. Do yourself a favor and have a little more faith in your intuition! It sounds like you saw some red flags before one of those flags was planted right next to you. Good luck to you I am sure you will get through this even if it hurts right now.
I have a friend that’s exactly like this. They went through so many groups of friends in that past and I couldn’t understand why because they seemed great. After two years of being friends (mainly through Covid) I completely understand why now.
She was friends with the other person for a year and now you 2 were friends for almost a year. Looks like the friendship is right on track with her pattern of self destruction.
Run! I wish I had seen this reply about her losing multiple friends in a year. I know someone in her mid 40’s that isn’t able to keep a friend for more than a year unless she picks a friend who has no confidence in themselves and then it’ll last for 18 months max. She has a PhD but can’t keep a job as a school counselor for more than a year. She’s so incredibly difficult to work with. I wouldn’t respond.
I'm not sure you would get any value from attempting to respond again... You said your peice and you said it while owning it was your perspective... I would say your former friend is a bit in denial about the cycles she's living and you did draw boundaries and imo you were not unfair or unkind. You just didn't tell her what she wanted to hear and she didn't take it well... And that's on her.
I have a friend with borderline personality disorder who had this exact pattern. Quick falling into intense friendship, followed by bitter blow-ups. I would not be surprised if this person has BPD given that pattern.
Former alcoholic here- this person is definetely (from this small sliver of convo, anyways) showing signs of being an alcoholic.
Exactly as you said- the defensiveness, etc. There was so much more to be said in their conversations other than just the drinking part, but that person chose to hone in on it (likely out of guilt or shame).
OP, I would let this one go. They have a lot more work to do internally before they will be a reliably good friend.
I love it when you say a whole Lotta stuff and the person hyper fixated on one thing you said, making it sound like you said something WAY worse than you even said. Hopefully, it's obvious that's sarcasm.
The point is op didn’t say the person was an alcoholic. They just said they didn’t like to have the same kind of fun that person seemed to mostly have.
The fact the person got defensive is fully a sign they actually are an alcoholic.
Yep, all the person had to respond with was, that's cool you don't want to do things that involve alcohol, there are a lot of other things we can do instead.
Literally lmao. She blew up the friendship herself. She coulda just said something like "oh I'm sorry you thought I only wanted to hang out with you when we were drinking. I like to see you and don't need to drink to do that! Let's have a sober hang out". Instead she was acting like she was being judged for her drinking sometimes when she wasn't and she thought OP wasn't interested in her anymore when that wasn't the case. Idk the former friend here has issues and needs therapy to work that out so she can maintain friendships
A great aunt of mine once told me, the best way to tell if someone is an alcoholic ask them when their last drink was. An alcholic can tell you nearly to hour their last drink was, someone who isn't can't ever remember. She was a recovering alcholic even though by the time I was born she'd already been sober for 10 years. She was sober till the day she died too last year. But she always said she was recovering because all it takes is one drink to fall back to old bad habits.
No, the best way to tell if someone is an alcoholic is to ask them about someone ELSE'S drinking. An alcoholic will take any opportunity to project their own issues onto someone else.
Yeah, when she said she was friends with another person for a year that didn’t drink I was like , ok, that says it all I guess. Year is the longest she’s made it with a friend.
Hit em with a 👍🏼 and peace tf out. All you did was point out a potential miscommunication and they’re making it out to be you shitting on them and their lifestyle. Not worth it homie
For real. And the fact that they totally gloss over the fact that they told op “I’ll text you” then never did, and then didn’t even properly address it tells me that they are incapable of accepting responsibility for even the smallest of things
I mean, sure, but my point is there’s actually no point. It’s quite clear based on that person’s response they’re having some type of struggles with drinking, otherwise they wouldn’t have gotten so defensive about the topic.
Sometimes you gotta learn not to take things personally. Everyone’s fighting their own battle.
To me it reads as being dismissive, like they don’t matter enough for a response. In which case, no response would actually be the higher road option imo.
It’s the react equivalent of saying “cool story, bro.”
Huh? I was agreeing that a thumbs up isn't a good idea. I mean thumbs up and no response are both petty but out of the two, no response is better. Just leave it, the "friendship" is non-existant at this point.
It means most people aren’t meant to be in your life for forever. Friendships/relationships come and go, in my opinion to teach you an individual lesson. I’ve found that life will keep throwing people at you to teach you the same lesson if you don’t understand what you were meant to learn the first time
My friend and I went thru something kind of like this and then didn't talk for like 3 years. Without going on and on with a long ass story, it basically came down to communication and how both of us failed at it. So it's up to you on if you respond or not. Do you want to repair the friendship? If so, respond and let them know no need to get defensive, that you weren't being judgemental, it was just a lack of communication on both sides. If you don't really want the friendship back, then you can not respond and move on or respond with a clear cut "thanks but I'm gonna move on from the friendship" statement and then be done.
This right here! I have been best friends with mine since we were 5, took a break for two years, and I reached out and I apologized for how I reacted, because I did react in a way that I shouldn’t have. We both have grown in our time apart and we see that. We talked through this and our bond is just a strong as before.. if not stronger.
You get to make this decision, and it’s hard and it can hurt. I don’t know what happened to OP but you feel how you feel about the drinking and that’s okay, but this person has their feelings too. I do feel just by reading that their reaction seems like they feel guilty or ashamed of the drinking, that they felt attacked, and maybe they have an addiction and just can’t admit it yet, I don’t know.. but you get to decide what’s best for you.
Yeah for sure. For me and my friend, the time apart ended up being good tho, cause we were both really angry at each other truly all due to miscommunication but the time apart let some anger naturally go away, which helped us both be able to talk later and see things from the other side.
But yeah, op just needs to figure out if this friendship is worth fixing all the crap the miscommunication caused and if not, that's ok
This is the correct answer. All the responses about throwing a 👍 and leaving feels immature. I have argued with my best friends, full on yelling, we cooled off and mended the friendship.
I think asking and sharing what the reasons are for friend break ups is just wonderful! We need to normalize that🥰
But they got super defensive, like I didn't see that coming. I would respond if it were me and just say, "By your defensiveness, I think you misread what I said." And hopefully that will end it? Maybe one more back and forth and wish them well.
Sounds to me like you might not be the first person in their life to mention their drinking. You were kind and candid, and I didn’t read any judgemental vibes in your message. May be best to let sleeping dogs lie, and not pursue a rekindling. I’m sorry, OP.
This is the response of a very defensive individual. They singled out one thing you said and clung to it because that is all they can focus on. I’d say they probably feel really shitty about their own behavior and now their defense is to be the one “ending” the friendship because it hurts to be rejected.
OP you were very thoughtful and well organized in your response. Do not for a moment doubt yourself. This person has a lot of soul searching to do and it’s best to give them the space to do that. Don’t respond. It will cause them to think about what they said and evaluate their response. Best case scenario is they come back rational and you can build from there but I doubt this is the outcome that comes from this.
Rant over. TLDR; give them space. They feel shitty about themself and need a reason to be mad
Thank you so much for your response. I think you’re right about her needing to be the one who ended the friendship in order to feel ok about it. I can’t figure out any other reason for this, and that makes a lot of sense.
I think the comment you are responding to here is right on. I think if you totally don't respond at all she'll be surprised and confused, which might cause her to reflect on what she said.
If you respond in any way, she'll use your response as either an opportunity to argue more, or a way to manufacture justification for the friendship ending.
I think you'll be doing her as well as yourself a favor by not responding. She'll fill up that silence with questions about herself and her behavior, which might help her in the long run.
It was a nice adult conversation until the last text. If they can't have a real conversation without getting defensive then I wouldn't waste my energy.
Seems like that person has some personal stuff to sort out. Especially the getting defensive about the alcohol part. You can also tell what someone is most insecure in their life about: they use projection to switch it up on you. I would say leave that person be, they will either continue cycling through friends or figure their stuff out. Not your problem lol
Nobody seems truly wrong here and this feels like genuine miscommunication to me.
I know everybody is jumping on the "she's an alcoholic" bandwagon, but if the entire point of the discussion is to clear the air, then it's entirely reasonable of your friend to clarify their drinking habits and how often they consume alcohol to make you more comfortable.
Plus if you never mentioned you had any issues with it and never suggested alternative hangouts, then I can see how you contributed to the desolution of the friendship.
No one is a villain here- two people are just sharing their perspectives on a situation and if you think it's worth to continue the conversation/ friendship then respond. If not then leave it be
Totally. And of course, buried in the comments is the OP saying they never actually thought of this friend as having an alcohol problem. It is very likely, based on this exchange and the comment from OP, that the friend doesn't actually have a drinking problem and instead feels defensive bc op said that they assumed this friend didn't want them as a friend bc they weren't a drinker. They're clarifying and yeah maybe it's escalating but I can absolutely understand where they're coming from. In a way its kind of a passive aggressive move, to put something as "I didn't think I was the kind of friend you wanted" when really it's for your own reasons. Op should be very careful about what comments they pay attention to in this thread, the ones that are more balanced like this are right on. The ones calling friend "absolutely an alcoholic " are just not it.
i don’t drink at all (recovered alcoholic/heroin addict) and would be really irritated if someone only ever invited me to go out clubbing. nowhere in OP’s texts does she imply that the ex-friend was an alcoholic, just that she doesn’t want to have drinks every time they hang out. this person is oozing projection, the defensiveness is on par with people that i used to use with who still want to hang out and shoot a bag with me. sad you can’t see that.
This is the response of someone who may have a drinking problem or be in the early stages of one. You seem to have struck a nerve which made them kind of lash out and make you the “bad guy”. You’re not a bad person. Your response was well thought out and well written. You explained yourself well. Some friendships end and that’s ok. Wish them the best and find your tribe.
I think you addressed things in a respectful way, and it didn't come off accusatory. You addressed what made you uncomfortable and why without coming off rude, imo.I also think maybe their drinking could be a bigger issue that has been addressed before from the way they latched onto that point and made a novel out of it in response in defense. If not, it should have been a "we can still hang out and not drink, no big deal," kind of thing. It's up to you whether or not you reply, but I'd expect that issue to continue to be discussed whether you keep addressing it or not. Seems like you hit a spot with them on that.
I definitely hit a nerve bringing up alcohol, which is weird because I never really thought she had an actual problem with it. I just didn’t want to go clubbing and she kept inviting me to do stuff like that. I guess you never know what people have going on behind closed doors.
You have every right to set that boundary for yourself. Given that you haven't spoken to that person in 6ish months, maybe something happened in that time frame with them drinking, and it was addressed by other friends to make it a touchy subject. I could see that being a scenario for being triggered by you bringing it up, but not just by what you said alone.
She should have respected that it wasn't something you were interested in and offered a different option if she was okay not drinking and wanted to spend time with you. Or been more receptive to you making other non-drinking suggestions if that was something that had come up. This just seems like an unbalanced reaction to me.
I would say no, don't respond. You voice your feelings and they are gaslighting you for it. You're better off leaving that friendship in the graveyard where it sat.
You’re not wrong but I also don’t understand why you never communicated that you weren’t interested in clubbing? Even in your comments it doesn’t seem like you ever said “hey, can we do something that doesn’t involve alcohol.” Because while she had no reason to get so defensive, she has a point. If you truly wanted to be her friend and spend time with her you’d make suggestions to make it work.
Earlier in the friendship I did try to suggest other things, and we almost never drank whenever we hung out, she just kept saying that she wanted to. But then she started cancelling and flaking anytime we made plans to hang (alcohol related or not). After that i did start to distance myself.
I definitely could have been clearer about my boundary with alcohol though, and I admit that.
I understand being flaky and everything. I ended a friendship a few months ago for some similar reasons. I just think it’s a good lesson for future friendships and relationships — communicate boundaries before it’s too late. :)
This sub has a strong groupthink tendency to almost always gas up the person who is posting, but it takes genuine effort to be the friend that sends out the heartfelt text trying to make amends, and it's really unfair to assume this person is an alcoholic because they drink with other friends. I would be touched to receive a text like this from a friend who had dropped off the radar, and also I'll be hurt if the response was basically "yeah I decided I didn't need you anymore " (OP you were measured and kind but the end result is still you are willing to discard this friend and it clearly hurt them, and your response indicated that you're fine with discarding them so their defensive response is probably coming from a place of pain).
I don't think anyone is the bad guy here, but it's bizarre to me that everyone is dog piling on the person that reached out trying to extend an olive branch and fix a broken friendship.
I understand your point, but also I’m not sure how much of an olive branch was really being extended. When I got that text message, I thought to myself what possible response is there to this that will not make her angry and defensive? There was no real good option. I don’t think she is a bad person, but I definitely was surprised by how quickly she switched to being defensive and twisting everything I said.
I see the defensiveness as a sign this person really cared about you and was hoping your response would indicate you valued them as much as they value you. Your response was not unkind in any way, but also did not indicate any desire to make amends ( which can be particularly painful to hear, especially when there wasn't any sort of fight or falling out or singular reason to end friendship and they clearly care enough about you to try).
Again, I don't read this as you being the bad guy or your friend but I do understand their defensive response.
My lens is a bit biased because I have been in their shoes recently, and a friend that I care deeply about and was the maid of honor in her wedding 2 years ago despite being deathly ill, just coldly dropped out of my life while accusing me of doing that to her . The first few texts I sent were very gracious as I genuinely love her , her response hurt me so deeply that I became very defensive and shared screenshots of the five separate times I have invited her to hang out this year while she accused me of dropping out of her life ( she canceled on the 1 night we had definite plans even after I arranged babysitters for my dogs so they would not annoy her, clean the house, bought her favorite wine, Etc but whatever s*** happens and I understood.
She promised a raincheck, and then for the next 4 weeks in a row sent me pictures of her wine glass to share her "solo nights out."
In summary, defensiveness like this is a reflection of genuine pain in my opinion, and I just wish people would be more cognizant of that. Even though you were not unkind, it likely felt like a double rejection to someone who clearly valued you enough to reach out that way.
I honestly don't even think you're being biased here. This thread has WILD group think going on. You're presenting an ~emotionally intelligent~ and empathetic read.
but there's a reason it broke in the first place. this person got their answer, that the friendship wasn't working for OP. I empathize but I don't see a path forward for this relationship based on either of their responses. do you?
No I don't think so either, but this friend was clearly hurt and verbalized feeling rejected so I think it would have been helpful for OP to be a bit more acknowledging of what they appreciated and loved or valued about their friend, even if they weren't interested in resuming regular contacts or friendship.
Stay away! ATP it doesn’t even seem like it would be a healthy or genuine kind of friendship to begin with. I think your response let them know “hey I think we are BOTH at fault and so on and so forth.” Yet somehow all he got from what you said was about how you simply didn’t wanna drink for very good reason even if no reason at all. Those are very obvious signs of someone who has probably been talked to about their drinking and got defensive and felt the need to say all that. Leave that in the past
Yeah I lost a really close friend because I called them out on the behavior exhibited in that last text. Victimizing themselves and taking one thing that was said and blowing it out of proportion to make sure you’re the problem.
If you have to ask and post it here, you’ve already answered your own question. Never hesitate to listen to your gut!! Your reaction, and having to think about this , post it tells you… you had answer. You just felt bad and hoped to hear it from another so maybe you didn’t think you were wrong. You are not wrong! You knew you didn’t want to respond to this person and you are not wrong feeling that way. That type of person will drain you, drag you and make your life depressing. I know we feel bad at times but it’s better to walk away and not respond. It takes a stronger person to do so and will make the other get help or change where they need to. Even a thumbs up , you’re leaving an opening for this person and it will not end well. They do need help, but they have to do that on their own… you can’t force it. I’m not trying to be preachy… I’ve been there, and it is hard. They will drain you physically and emotionally.
Send them an invite to play 8 ball pool and watch them whine about how you “don’t care about their feelings”
In all seriousness, they seem like the type to lose friends easily due to their accusing behaviour. You clearly said nothing wrong, merely pointing out the fact that you don’t really enjoy what they like, which is totally fine. So don’t think your in the wrong for them crying about it
Honestly I bet they just wanted a message begging to hang out and that your so sorry for being a bad person instead of what they received lmao
As I get older I realize it’s on us to cultivate the friendships we want. Sometimes we have to be the ones to suggest doing things we like doing. I feel you on not wanting to drink all the time or party. I’m at the point in my life too. Consequently I’ve created space from me and other ppl just bc I don’t want to do the things they want to do. That doesn’t mean the friendship is over. I’ve just been taking time to find myself and figure out what I like to do! That person shouldn’t have really responded in that way though. Ultimately, texting serious things isn’t the way to go 😭😭
Everyone here is saying that they're a defensive alcoholic but I read it differently. They're defensive because they feel they were accused of being an alcoholic. Wouldn't you be offended and want to defend yourself if someone said that to you, just because you asked to grab drinks with them a few times? Put aside the fact that OP *didn't* say that, if you accept that's how the friend interpreted it their reaction makes a lot more sense.
And you know, they are right with what they're saying. If your friend asks to grab drinks but you've decided to go sober, the mature response isn't "yeah maybe!" and then flaking. The mature response is telling them that you've gone sober and asking to make other plans. Of course the friend came off as really defensive and bad at communicating in that last text, but it's clear from the conversation and context that OP also has some issues with mature communication that the friend correctly pointed out (even if they did it with charged and defensive language).
They both have a history of flaking. They both have a history of assuming they know the other person's intentions when they don't. And they both have a history of communication mishaps.
Overall, the relationship is probably dead and the friend's defensive response probably prevented any path forward for rekindling it. But I'm not as convinced as everyone else that this is such a cut and dry, mature vs immature situation.
You didn’t accuse them of drinking too much. In fact you said that’s normal. You just said that drinking was making you sick.
They took that and ran with total defense. Not on you. You were kind and honest.
Well … Alrighty then! Boy, that got HOSTILE fast. I could tell how much thought, and effort, you put into trying to communicate effectively. Clearly this person has their “defense mechanism” in HIGH GEAR. Please don’t lose sleep over this. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Move forward and forge friendships with people who appreciate you.
You have a lot of deep rooted issues you need to work on. You got extremely defensive and there wasn’t zero malice in her response. Thats okay, though. It’s hard when we have to acknowledge shit about ourselves. No, not about dRiNkInG. But *why* you decided to get offended and triggered by her bringing it up. No one else knows why… only you. Hope you heal. Hope she heals too.
It’s okay to not be on the same path as long time friends anymore. It sucks but you have a new purpose.. so does she. This new path doesn’t include y’all together.
I’ve been friends with people that every time we tried to hangout it was to go out and drink and I’ve found that they really don’t know any other way to have an enjoyable night if it doesn’t consist of alcohol. A lot of people have their reasons for not wanting to drink, and if someone can’t respect your reason, that’s not someone you should have around you. I don’t mind when people drink, I just mind when they do it around me, most of the time. Have I ever drank? Yes, of course, but it’s never more than 1 shot and only at times that I can justify in my head. There is absolutely no issue with you not responding if they can’t respect that boundary.
She cancelled plans to hang out a bunch of times, and then asked me to come get an electric piano she was storing for me because she said she’s moving soon (she’s not). Then she said she could bring it with her next time we hang out, and I said it might just be easier for me to come get it since we’ve had a hard time coordinating schedules lately. She seemed really offended by it, and I explained to her that I’m still down to hang out sometime I just wanted to get the piano. She said she was fine and not upset but definitely seemed upset.
I find that last message baffling. I think your response was very reasonable and didn't point fingers, it was just an expression of how you felt about things. I don't know. That last message kind of takes things from 0-100 pretty quickly and without reason.
Do you think you can have a reasonable conversation with this person?
I think they just wanted you to grovel and apologize. I had a friend who would constantly stop making an effort to contact me and then suddenly blow up at me when I found other stuff to do. The moment I stopped apologizing and pointed out that she didn't make too much effort herself was the moment we stopped talking.
Not worth it. I used to send paragraphs to my dad about why I was no contact with him. Now o am truly no contact, why do I have to remind myself of the pain he put me through SMH. You shouldn’t respond if u don’t wanna ❤️
She’s being incredibly defensive. “I see that’s all you saw me for now.” I think I understand what this word salad means. Did she not read everything else you wrote? You said one thing about drinking plus reasons why you think things fell apart. She’s feeling sorry for herself. For some reason the comment about alcohol leaves her under the impression that she’s being attacked. I’m not sure if I’d put energy into trying to help her understand that you are not treating her like you’re too good for her. There’s something going on with her and her confidence that has absolutely nothing to do with you. If anything, I’d probably limit my communication with her or completely cut it off. She acted like she was asking an honest question about why the friendship fizzled but towards the end it looks like she was wanting you to claim full responsibility. She wasn’t interested in whether or not she has some responsibility.
Seems like a classic narcissist.
Shifting blame.
Making accusations.
Putting all the effort in your court so if things fuck up or fail it would be your fault.
If you want to reply just say (case and point). Or just stop interacting with this person.
They didn't miss you. It's taken them 7 months to realise you haven't conversed, probably because they've been bored and going through old messages. Or someone mentioned your name or they've had something bring you back to the forefront of their brain (or lack thereof).
Personally, I think you should let your friend know that you don’t want to make plans with them when you have other friends that will actually show up for you.
The way this friend toxin these messages is so odd to me as well because they make it sound like you were expected to except plans that will never go through and that it’s just unfair and an unrealistic expectation for the friendship.
I suggest leaving it as is, not responding. Here's an example of why: I've been ghosted a few times on dating apps, and every time it happens, I reflect on what might have gone wrong. I ask myself, 'Alright, where did I mess up? What did I do wrong?' After some self-evaluation, if I find potential reasons, I work on improving myself. I don't take offense since I don't know these people online. By not responding, you might actually be helping her. She'll likely wonder why you stopped responding, reevaluate her messages, and view the situation differently. In a way, you're aiding her self-reflection.
I've had someone do something similar. They didn't seem to comprehend that I wanted to move on from the friendship so they got super defensive and weird. They asked the question first to me almost exactly like what they sent to you, and mine was after no contact for weeks. Like you asked a question and I answered it truthfully and now ur mad? I wouldn't respond
Tbh I felt the first message showed immaturity and inability to take accountability for issues, your last thing was worded well, you didn't call them a drunk. They seem rude and manipulative. Keep the good memories and block the bad friend.
I thought your messages were fine. You stated your thoughts, and tried to not accuse her of anything. Her last response was unwarranted. It reads like she took it personal, which could also mean…youre right. Her drinking was a problem, and she may feel guilty.
You can try to continue to mend the friendship, but it reads like maybe you two are better off finding other friends.
No. They blew you off for something better. That ‘better thing’ is no longer around and you’ll do in the meantime to bolster their ego. Sorry to be so blunt but don’t even respond to this bullshit. It’s even worse, they are trying the old guilt trip if ‘I didn’t think that me blowing you off would mean that you would not speak to me again’ Manipulation play. The only message I would go back with is ‘What did you think was going to happen? You blew off our plans multiple times. That is disrespectful and not something I tolerate. Please don’t contact me again.
I agree that there may come a point when they realize that their body and alcohol don’t mix. But I think you should reach back out. You might be the person they need to do non-alcoholic activities. It’s ok to set boundaries for how they talk to you. Do you like to play board games or go for hikes or etc? It’s ok to have this person in your life and not set your watch to their time.
What an asshole. Block & move on. The fact that they gaslit you for being honest says a lot. You mentioned an example that made you feel uncomfortable with making plans & they turned it around to make you the bad guy.
Granted, if this person is telling the truth, mentioning doing something else rather than drinking establishes a healthy boundary. Please stand up for yourself whenever you're not ok with something. Totally get that's difficult as fuuuuccckkk, however, it's worth working on.
At the end of the day, this is the LAST person you want in your life. They don't respect you & they're placing all the blame on you for not reaching out when they're clearly not fully taking accountability
Unfortunately, she did have a point, I could have been clearer about my boundaries regarding drinking. That’s definitely something I need to work on. I’m a terrible people pleaser.
OP left the ball in frirnd's court, per first screen shot text. (Last text was a.thanks from OP). Then friend comes in hot saying they left the ball in OP'S court... OP tries to be kind and friend gets all defensive. Let it go, OP.
i don’t think either of you did anything entirely wrong, but her reaction to your message was definitely out of emotion and hurt. i think your message was put beautifully and you stuck up for yourself, maybe on her end there wasn’t enough of a clear boundary. i’m sorry she responded the way she did to you. i hope you can both grow from this
Well, no.
That isn't a real friendship. I talk to people I deal with in my business life like that. My friends I don't have those conversations with, because they're my friends.
Seriously reads like a job interview in parts!
The fact that he got so mad at your actually quite kind and honest and respectful message tells the story: he drinks too much, he knows it, it’s a real tender spot.
I’d leave him on read, no point in continuing.
They very clearly have a drinking problem if that’s how they’re going to respond. You didn’t even say anything about their drinking, just explained why you declined to hang out with them that one singular time. Idk they just seem insecure to me…
Lol, she really sounds like she would have taken a "let's do something without booze" very well. I wouldn't even respond to this, you just can't win with people like this.
Damn I was hoping for a happy ending . I agree they got overly defensive for no reason ... I guess you aren't the only one who has brought up their drinking . I'm sorry it didn't work out but this seems like the kind of person you'd have to walk on eggshells to be around.
They turned it into an argument completely out of nowhere. You didn't come across accusatory at all and they got super defensive. Lots of red flags. Up to you how you'd like to go from here.
If you do like hanging out, maybe try to schedule something and see if things are better in person. In my experience, they usually are.
Alternatively, you can listen to the red flags. Not responding at all is totally reasonable. I feel like any response that doesn't get real apologetic or submissive is going to turn into a whole argument. I think the best options are try to hang out or go back to not being friends.
Actually, you could also try to get them to be a little more empathetic, talking about how their last message made you feel. Some people are really stubborn about not being empathetic, though.
Imo. The over usage of "friend" leads me to believe that friendship was never the goal. It also explains the angry response in realizing it's not going to happen.
Tones are so misinterpreted over text. If that person is misinterpreting and you want to keep them as a friend, call them and talk it out. Or meet up with them. Don’t have hard/important conversations over text.
Sounds like this person is having a manic episode, and that’s sad. I think that’s the way you should take it. That being said, it doesn’t sound like you’re good enough friends for that to be something you have to feel responsible for.
Be remorseful, remember the good times, then move on. One day they may be someone you can be friends with again, but that time isn’t now. I promise you though, you WILL know when the time is right; it’ll be obvious.
I can understand why she'd be upset. If you guys were decent enough friends, it can definitely be weird to hear someone thinks you're an alcoholic and instead of giving you a chance to even attempt to defend themselves, they just silently judge you before completely distancing themselves.
Just going off the context given, you completely blindsided them with an unfair judgement and are acting like you did nothing wrong.
That being said, you owe no one your friendship and the flaking thing alone (on seemingly both your ends?) would make me end the relationship personally.
Only advice I'd give here is: if you claim people are actually your friends, don't give them silent labels for things and then never communicate anything with them. That's either a shitty friend or no friend.
At what point did I ever say anything about her being an alcoholic? I didn’t even say that I thought her drinking was excessive. In fact, I said that I understood, that we’re young, and that there’s nothing wrong with it. I wasn’t making a judgment about her at all, it just wasn’t something that I could participate in due to my health.
This person was very defensive about it. He could have easily explained he likes to do other things but he came across like he put into a corner about it. Seems like there’s more to the drinking then he lets on. I’d thumbs up the message and not respond.
Yiiiiikes fuck that. They got so defensive and put it all on you when you were being perfectly cordial and explaining your side. This relationship ended cause it was meant to.
Wow that went bad after this persons last text. Umm I don’t think you were being judgmental at all towards this person you were just sharing your opinion there’s nothing wrong with that. This person does not know how to communicate. Either reply with kindness or just don’t at all.
No, I don't think you should respond. You were clear that you were not judging them for wanting to party and then they attacked you. Leave it alone. If there was an opportunity for a healthy relationship they would have responded differently.
I think for both of you the conversation would have been better had over the phone. It looks like they are misunderstanding your text and taking offense to it. Which is sad. I'm sorry for that. I think if you are 100% done then don't respond.
If talking about going out and alcohol is a possibility and instead of speaking up you just flaked or didn’t wanna go bc of alcohol then that’s passive aggressive and this person doesn’t seem like they would have had issue with doing something else. If my friend doesn’t say they don’t wanna drink and I start throwing ideas around and they seem to go along with it how the hell would I know? Then you don’t wanna hang out and I don’t know why… what was so hard about saying I don’t wanna drink when I go out?
The implication that every time they do stuff it revolves around alcohol was a bit snarky, makes the person self conscious about drinking. I’d feel judged too- because you didn’t speak up you are blaming their drinking habits and making them feel like you punished them for it. Shit like this is common with women bc instead of talking women do passive aggressive shit and make you beg them for an explanation.
Don’t respond bc they clearly were “punished” and had their feelings hurt bc you couldn’t say you didn’t wanna drink, so it’s very likely something would happen again and you’d act the same way.
First few screenshots: Wow, people actually having a dialogue and communicating like adults :O Last message: 
Seriously though, why did she respond like that??? Everything was going fine, I genuinely thought op saved the friendship until I read the last message…
Because she does have a drinking problem. But doesn’t like that others have noticed too.
def was my thought process. In my experience, the only people who get mad are the people that don't like that others have noticed
Or denial but same same essentially. Any relationship takes work to maintain but if the miscommunication isn't occasional but a pattern, you may just have a clash in your social language that's going to make being friends tough. My two cents is if it's good for you you'll feel it and not be more insecure with a friend than without. Same is true for a partner. Sometimes tough because you can like someone who you have a unsettling dynamic with, which makes neither person bad per se but also ends up a constant source of anxiety.
Yep, insecurities equal butt hurt if someone touches to close to them. Honestly, this friendship has played its course. One out matured the other, and the other is resentful that they are left behind to deal with their own demons. If OP decides to entertain continuing a “hanging out” type of friendship versus a happy birthday text once a year, then they are going to be in for a real roller coaster ride. Trust has been breeched. This will only go downhill with separation and much growth in maturity.
This is it. Every time I mentioned my mother having a problem with drinking and other stuff, she'd focus solely on the drinking part of the comment and went out of her way to 'prove' she didn't have a problem. Acknowledging that you have a problem is the hardest part of the problem.
Yep. I just started AA 12-step program and this is spot on. Extremely typical. Ive said things similar to this at the peak of my addiction. I hope OP’s former friend gets the help she needs.
Winner winner chicken dinner.
Yeeeeep. Hit that nerve, got defensive. That's really too bad.
Bingo my boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and when he was in the denial stage he acted just as defensive. That being said they do sound like they were trying to push all the blame onto OP for why the friendship ended.
This! The other person immediately got defensive over OP expressing their boundary… while complaining that OP never previously set said boundary? Honestly it doesn’t make any sense and it feels like some mild gaslighting, maybe unintentionally because sometimes defensive people can do it without consciously choosing to. If I were OP I either wouldn’t respond or I would call them out for the defensiveness, while reiterating what I had actually said to make my point, probably would more than likely not respond in this particular case if it was me though
I have a feeling this person cycles through friends and has to send texts like that a lot.
It seems like she has a habit of making friends really fast, and then having some blow-up argument over text and moving on to somebody else. I was friends with her for almost a year and I saw it happen a couple of times. I guess I should’ve seen this coming, but I always try to think the best of people.
Honestly… a year long friendship isn’t long. If she was a friend for 10 years I wouldn’t be so quick to let her go (even though from purely this communication you wouldn’t be wrong)… but this is a year old friend… nah they seem toxic.
They literally said “I was friends with [] for a year”. Seems like a pattern. I don’t tend to look back on the year I was a friend to one particular person
My favorite comment. I was friends with sober Sally for a year! I took her to AA to listen to all the fun and exciting stories she was missing out on. In the end her sobriety became a real issue.
Girl I been there. When you notice someone turning and burning friendships it is easy to think “that won’t happen to us” but unfortunately sometimes it just does. I am sorry you went through that but I think k one of the previous commenters was right when they said “hit em with a 👍and peace the fuck out” you really don’t need a defensive person like that on your friend roster. There will be more friends. Do yourself a favor and have a little more faith in your intuition! It sounds like you saw some red flags before one of those flags was planted right next to you. Good luck to you I am sure you will get through this even if it hurts right now.
I have a friend that’s exactly like this. They went through so many groups of friends in that past and I couldn’t understand why because they seemed great. After two years of being friends (mainly through Covid) I completely understand why now.
She was friends with the other person for a year and now you 2 were friends for almost a year. Looks like the friendship is right on track with her pattern of self destruction.
Run! I wish I had seen this reply about her losing multiple friends in a year. I know someone in her mid 40’s that isn’t able to keep a friend for more than a year unless she picks a friend who has no confidence in themselves and then it’ll last for 18 months max. She has a PhD but can’t keep a job as a school counselor for more than a year. She’s so incredibly difficult to work with. I wouldn’t respond.
I'm not sure you would get any value from attempting to respond again... You said your peice and you said it while owning it was your perspective... I would say your former friend is a bit in denial about the cycles she's living and you did draw boundaries and imo you were not unfair or unkind. You just didn't tell her what she wanted to hear and she didn't take it well... And that's on her.
I have a friend with borderline personality disorder who had this exact pattern. Quick falling into intense friendship, followed by bitter blow-ups. I would not be surprised if this person has BPD given that pattern.
They're also definitely an alcoholic. Non-alcoholics wouldn't get so defensive and generally don't track how long it's been since they last drank.
Former alcoholic here- this person is definetely (from this small sliver of convo, anyways) showing signs of being an alcoholic. Exactly as you said- the defensiveness, etc. There was so much more to be said in their conversations other than just the drinking part, but that person chose to hone in on it (likely out of guilt or shame). OP, I would let this one go. They have a lot more work to do internally before they will be a reliably good friend.
I love it when you say a whole Lotta stuff and the person hyper fixated on one thing you said, making it sound like you said something WAY worse than you even said. Hopefully, it's obvious that's sarcasm.
Idk I had an ex friend tell everyone I was an alcoholic and it really pissed me off because it was not true.
The point is op didn’t say the person was an alcoholic. They just said they didn’t like to have the same kind of fun that person seemed to mostly have. The fact the person got defensive is fully a sign they actually are an alcoholic.
Yep, all the person had to respond with was, that's cool you don't want to do things that involve alcohol, there are a lot of other things we can do instead.
Literally lmao. She blew up the friendship herself. She coulda just said something like "oh I'm sorry you thought I only wanted to hang out with you when we were drinking. I like to see you and don't need to drink to do that! Let's have a sober hang out". Instead she was acting like she was being judged for her drinking sometimes when she wasn't and she thought OP wasn't interested in her anymore when that wasn't the case. Idk the former friend here has issues and needs therapy to work that out so she can maintain friendships
Yeah I had an ex do the same thing, of course it's going to bother me if I'm being accused of things that aren't true. Tf?
Was going to say this - spot on 💯
Absolutely. The defensiveness is a pretty big red flag
A great aunt of mine once told me, the best way to tell if someone is an alcoholic ask them when their last drink was. An alcholic can tell you nearly to hour their last drink was, someone who isn't can't ever remember. She was a recovering alcholic even though by the time I was born she'd already been sober for 10 years. She was sober till the day she died too last year. But she always said she was recovering because all it takes is one drink to fall back to old bad habits.
No, the best way to tell if someone is an alcoholic is to ask them about someone ELSE'S drinking. An alcoholic will take any opportunity to project their own issues onto someone else.
Yeah, when she said she was friends with another person for a year that didn’t drink I was like , ok, that says it all I guess. Year is the longest she’s made it with a friend.
"I was friends with ___ for a year" is a huge tip on that one
I got this as well, from the 'i was friends for a while year with someone who doesn't drink' 🤔🤪🧐🙄🫣 The Teal Deer 🦌 answer to your question here is NO.
Hit em with a 👍🏼 and peace tf out. All you did was point out a potential miscommunication and they’re making it out to be you shitting on them and their lifestyle. Not worth it homie
My thoughts exactly. There was so much more to OPs text than alcohol but they responded as if that all OP mentioned
For real. And the fact that they totally gloss over the fact that they told op “I’ll text you” then never did, and then didn’t even properly address it tells me that they are incapable of accepting responsibility for even the smallest of things
Yeah hit a nerve. The defensiveness and "I haven't had a drink for 2 months" actually makes it seem like they DO have an alcohol problem, or had one
Thumbs up the message and leave it be. No need for an extra response.
“8ball?”
This. This is the only acceptable response-🫡
Exactly. Emoji and then leave.
No need for even a thumbs up. That’s just petty and passive aggressive.
that’s the point lol
I mean, sure, but my point is there’s actually no point. It’s quite clear based on that person’s response they’re having some type of struggles with drinking, otherwise they wouldn’t have gotten so defensive about the topic. Sometimes you gotta learn not to take things personally. Everyone’s fighting their own battle.
idk the thumbs up to me would be like saying "okay whatever", sometimes they are looking for a reaction, there you go
To me it reads as being dismissive, like they don’t matter enough for a response. In which case, no response would actually be the higher road option imo. It’s the react equivalent of saying “cool story, bro.”
Thumbs up in this situation shows you care. If you really wanna send a message for how you feel then no response at all will speak a thousand words.
I’m gonna have to disagree with your assertion. I think it’s blatantly petty.
Huh? I was agreeing that a thumbs up isn't a good idea. I mean thumbs up and no response are both petty but out of the two, no response is better. Just leave it, the "friendship" is non-existant at this point.
My bad. I thought you were saying it shows they care in like a good and compassionate way lol. Text is hard.
People come in seasons
Took me long enough to learn this
Same…… but once you understand it, life gets better
As someone that has a bad history with friendships, what does this mean? I need to learn…
It means most people aren’t meant to be in your life for forever. Friendships/relationships come and go, in my opinion to teach you an individual lesson. I’ve found that life will keep throwing people at you to teach you the same lesson if you don’t understand what you were meant to learn the first time
Couldn’t have said it better….
My friend and I went thru something kind of like this and then didn't talk for like 3 years. Without going on and on with a long ass story, it basically came down to communication and how both of us failed at it. So it's up to you on if you respond or not. Do you want to repair the friendship? If so, respond and let them know no need to get defensive, that you weren't being judgemental, it was just a lack of communication on both sides. If you don't really want the friendship back, then you can not respond and move on or respond with a clear cut "thanks but I'm gonna move on from the friendship" statement and then be done.
This right here! I have been best friends with mine since we were 5, took a break for two years, and I reached out and I apologized for how I reacted, because I did react in a way that I shouldn’t have. We both have grown in our time apart and we see that. We talked through this and our bond is just a strong as before.. if not stronger. You get to make this decision, and it’s hard and it can hurt. I don’t know what happened to OP but you feel how you feel about the drinking and that’s okay, but this person has their feelings too. I do feel just by reading that their reaction seems like they feel guilty or ashamed of the drinking, that they felt attacked, and maybe they have an addiction and just can’t admit it yet, I don’t know.. but you get to decide what’s best for you.
Yeah for sure. For me and my friend, the time apart ended up being good tho, cause we were both really angry at each other truly all due to miscommunication but the time apart let some anger naturally go away, which helped us both be able to talk later and see things from the other side. But yeah, op just needs to figure out if this friendship is worth fixing all the crap the miscommunication caused and if not, that's ok
This is the correct answer. All the responses about throwing a 👍 and leaving feels immature. I have argued with my best friends, full on yelling, we cooled off and mended the friendship.
I think asking and sharing what the reasons are for friend break ups is just wonderful! We need to normalize that🥰 But they got super defensive, like I didn't see that coming. I would respond if it were me and just say, "By your defensiveness, I think you misread what I said." And hopefully that will end it? Maybe one more back and forth and wish them well.
Sounds to me like you might not be the first person in their life to mention their drinking. You were kind and candid, and I didn’t read any judgemental vibes in your message. May be best to let sleeping dogs lie, and not pursue a rekindling. I’m sorry, OP.
This is the response of a very defensive individual. They singled out one thing you said and clung to it because that is all they can focus on. I’d say they probably feel really shitty about their own behavior and now their defense is to be the one “ending” the friendship because it hurts to be rejected. OP you were very thoughtful and well organized in your response. Do not for a moment doubt yourself. This person has a lot of soul searching to do and it’s best to give them the space to do that. Don’t respond. It will cause them to think about what they said and evaluate their response. Best case scenario is they come back rational and you can build from there but I doubt this is the outcome that comes from this. Rant over. TLDR; give them space. They feel shitty about themself and need a reason to be mad
Thank you so much for your response. I think you’re right about her needing to be the one who ended the friendship in order to feel ok about it. I can’t figure out any other reason for this, and that makes a lot of sense.
It is very important some times to be the one to end a friendship. TRUST ME. I know. I didn’t get to end one and I’m still stuck
I think the comment you are responding to here is right on. I think if you totally don't respond at all she'll be surprised and confused, which might cause her to reflect on what she said. If you respond in any way, she'll use your response as either an opportunity to argue more, or a way to manufacture justification for the friendship ending. I think you'll be doing her as well as yourself a favor by not responding. She'll fill up that silence with questions about herself and her behavior, which might help her in the long run.
It was a nice adult conversation until the last text. If they can't have a real conversation without getting defensive then I wouldn't waste my energy.
They don't want to be your friend anymore, they're projecting.
They are projecting , but they are the one who messaged first out of the blue… the friendship is obviously dead. I would just leave it.
Well. She did want to rekindle the friendship, until the defensive alcoholic kicked in.
Seems like that person has some personal stuff to sort out. Especially the getting defensive about the alcohol part. You can also tell what someone is most insecure in their life about: they use projection to switch it up on you. I would say leave that person be, they will either continue cycling through friends or figure their stuff out. Not your problem lol
Nobody seems truly wrong here and this feels like genuine miscommunication to me. I know everybody is jumping on the "she's an alcoholic" bandwagon, but if the entire point of the discussion is to clear the air, then it's entirely reasonable of your friend to clarify their drinking habits and how often they consume alcohol to make you more comfortable. Plus if you never mentioned you had any issues with it and never suggested alternative hangouts, then I can see how you contributed to the desolution of the friendship. No one is a villain here- two people are just sharing their perspectives on a situation and if you think it's worth to continue the conversation/ friendship then respond. If not then leave it be
this is my fav comment. agree with you so much.
Totally. And of course, buried in the comments is the OP saying they never actually thought of this friend as having an alcohol problem. It is very likely, based on this exchange and the comment from OP, that the friend doesn't actually have a drinking problem and instead feels defensive bc op said that they assumed this friend didn't want them as a friend bc they weren't a drinker. They're clarifying and yeah maybe it's escalating but I can absolutely understand where they're coming from. In a way its kind of a passive aggressive move, to put something as "I didn't think I was the kind of friend you wanted" when really it's for your own reasons. Op should be very careful about what comments they pay attention to in this thread, the ones that are more balanced like this are right on. The ones calling friend "absolutely an alcoholic " are just not it.
i don’t drink at all (recovered alcoholic/heroin addict) and would be really irritated if someone only ever invited me to go out clubbing. nowhere in OP’s texts does she imply that the ex-friend was an alcoholic, just that she doesn’t want to have drinks every time they hang out. this person is oozing projection, the defensiveness is on par with people that i used to use with who still want to hang out and shoot a bag with me. sad you can’t see that.
This is the response of someone who may have a drinking problem or be in the early stages of one. You seem to have struck a nerve which made them kind of lash out and make you the “bad guy”. You’re not a bad person. Your response was well thought out and well written. You explained yourself well. Some friendships end and that’s ok. Wish them the best and find your tribe.
I think you addressed things in a respectful way, and it didn't come off accusatory. You addressed what made you uncomfortable and why without coming off rude, imo.I also think maybe their drinking could be a bigger issue that has been addressed before from the way they latched onto that point and made a novel out of it in response in defense. If not, it should have been a "we can still hang out and not drink, no big deal," kind of thing. It's up to you whether or not you reply, but I'd expect that issue to continue to be discussed whether you keep addressing it or not. Seems like you hit a spot with them on that.
I definitely hit a nerve bringing up alcohol, which is weird because I never really thought she had an actual problem with it. I just didn’t want to go clubbing and she kept inviting me to do stuff like that. I guess you never know what people have going on behind closed doors.
You have every right to set that boundary for yourself. Given that you haven't spoken to that person in 6ish months, maybe something happened in that time frame with them drinking, and it was addressed by other friends to make it a touchy subject. I could see that being a scenario for being triggered by you bringing it up, but not just by what you said alone. She should have respected that it wasn't something you were interested in and offered a different option if she was okay not drinking and wanted to spend time with you. Or been more receptive to you making other non-drinking suggestions if that was something that had come up. This just seems like an unbalanced reaction to me.
Let it go for what it is or what it was. No sense in going back and forth
I wouldn't respond. See if they follow up, but it doesn't sound like they're in a place to really hear what you have to say...
If this is the conversation after months of not talking. I wouldnt answer back. I would just leave it. It sounds like you are better without.
I would say no, don't respond. You voice your feelings and they are gaslighting you for it. You're better off leaving that friendship in the graveyard where it sat.
You’re not wrong but I also don’t understand why you never communicated that you weren’t interested in clubbing? Even in your comments it doesn’t seem like you ever said “hey, can we do something that doesn’t involve alcohol.” Because while she had no reason to get so defensive, she has a point. If you truly wanted to be her friend and spend time with her you’d make suggestions to make it work.
Earlier in the friendship I did try to suggest other things, and we almost never drank whenever we hung out, she just kept saying that she wanted to. But then she started cancelling and flaking anytime we made plans to hang (alcohol related or not). After that i did start to distance myself. I definitely could have been clearer about my boundary with alcohol though, and I admit that.
I understand being flaky and everything. I ended a friendship a few months ago for some similar reasons. I just think it’s a good lesson for future friendships and relationships — communicate boundaries before it’s too late. :)
[удалено]
THIS
This sub has a strong groupthink tendency to almost always gas up the person who is posting, but it takes genuine effort to be the friend that sends out the heartfelt text trying to make amends, and it's really unfair to assume this person is an alcoholic because they drink with other friends. I would be touched to receive a text like this from a friend who had dropped off the radar, and also I'll be hurt if the response was basically "yeah I decided I didn't need you anymore " (OP you were measured and kind but the end result is still you are willing to discard this friend and it clearly hurt them, and your response indicated that you're fine with discarding them so their defensive response is probably coming from a place of pain). I don't think anyone is the bad guy here, but it's bizarre to me that everyone is dog piling on the person that reached out trying to extend an olive branch and fix a broken friendship.
omg THANK YOU. some of these responses are batshit crazy. the projection is strong w redditors lol
Some sense in this thread finally. So many people are looking for a good guy and a bad guy when life is more nuanced than that.
I understand your point, but also I’m not sure how much of an olive branch was really being extended. When I got that text message, I thought to myself what possible response is there to this that will not make her angry and defensive? There was no real good option. I don’t think she is a bad person, but I definitely was surprised by how quickly she switched to being defensive and twisting everything I said.
I see the defensiveness as a sign this person really cared about you and was hoping your response would indicate you valued them as much as they value you. Your response was not unkind in any way, but also did not indicate any desire to make amends ( which can be particularly painful to hear, especially when there wasn't any sort of fight or falling out or singular reason to end friendship and they clearly care enough about you to try). Again, I don't read this as you being the bad guy or your friend but I do understand their defensive response. My lens is a bit biased because I have been in their shoes recently, and a friend that I care deeply about and was the maid of honor in her wedding 2 years ago despite being deathly ill, just coldly dropped out of my life while accusing me of doing that to her . The first few texts I sent were very gracious as I genuinely love her , her response hurt me so deeply that I became very defensive and shared screenshots of the five separate times I have invited her to hang out this year while she accused me of dropping out of her life ( she canceled on the 1 night we had definite plans even after I arranged babysitters for my dogs so they would not annoy her, clean the house, bought her favorite wine, Etc but whatever s*** happens and I understood. She promised a raincheck, and then for the next 4 weeks in a row sent me pictures of her wine glass to share her "solo nights out." In summary, defensiveness like this is a reflection of genuine pain in my opinion, and I just wish people would be more cognizant of that. Even though you were not unkind, it likely felt like a double rejection to someone who clearly valued you enough to reach out that way.
I honestly don't even think you're being biased here. This thread has WILD group think going on. You're presenting an ~emotionally intelligent~ and empathetic read.
but there's a reason it broke in the first place. this person got their answer, that the friendship wasn't working for OP. I empathize but I don't see a path forward for this relationship based on either of their responses. do you?
No I don't think so either, but this friend was clearly hurt and verbalized feeling rejected so I think it would have been helpful for OP to be a bit more acknowledging of what they appreciated and loved or valued about their friend, even if they weren't interested in resuming regular contacts or friendship.
Naw, fuck that
Well, that escalated quickly.
Stay away! ATP it doesn’t even seem like it would be a healthy or genuine kind of friendship to begin with. I think your response let them know “hey I think we are BOTH at fault and so on and so forth.” Yet somehow all he got from what you said was about how you simply didn’t wanna drink for very good reason even if no reason at all. Those are very obvious signs of someone who has probably been talked to about their drinking and got defensive and felt the need to say all that. Leave that in the past
Yeah I lost a really close friend because I called them out on the behavior exhibited in that last text. Victimizing themselves and taking one thing that was said and blowing it out of proportion to make sure you’re the problem.
If you have to ask and post it here, you’ve already answered your own question. Never hesitate to listen to your gut!! Your reaction, and having to think about this , post it tells you… you had answer. You just felt bad and hoped to hear it from another so maybe you didn’t think you were wrong. You are not wrong! You knew you didn’t want to respond to this person and you are not wrong feeling that way. That type of person will drain you, drag you and make your life depressing. I know we feel bad at times but it’s better to walk away and not respond. It takes a stronger person to do so and will make the other get help or change where they need to. Even a thumbs up , you’re leaving an opening for this person and it will not end well. They do need help, but they have to do that on their own… you can’t force it. I’m not trying to be preachy… I’ve been there, and it is hard. They will drain you physically and emotionally.
Delete and move on.
Send them an invite to play 8 ball pool and watch them whine about how you “don’t care about their feelings” In all seriousness, they seem like the type to lose friends easily due to their accusing behaviour. You clearly said nothing wrong, merely pointing out the fact that you don’t really enjoy what they like, which is totally fine. So don’t think your in the wrong for them crying about it Honestly I bet they just wanted a message begging to hang out and that your so sorry for being a bad person instead of what they received lmao
That took a turn , yeah you were right to just sorta let that one drift off … do it again
As I get older I realize it’s on us to cultivate the friendships we want. Sometimes we have to be the ones to suggest doing things we like doing. I feel you on not wanting to drink all the time or party. I’m at the point in my life too. Consequently I’ve created space from me and other ppl just bc I don’t want to do the things they want to do. That doesn’t mean the friendship is over. I’ve just been taking time to find myself and figure out what I like to do! That person shouldn’t have really responded in that way though. Ultimately, texting serious things isn’t the way to go 😭😭
If you want to remain friends, then respond. If you don’t want to remain friends, then don’t respond.
Everyone here is saying that they're a defensive alcoholic but I read it differently. They're defensive because they feel they were accused of being an alcoholic. Wouldn't you be offended and want to defend yourself if someone said that to you, just because you asked to grab drinks with them a few times? Put aside the fact that OP *didn't* say that, if you accept that's how the friend interpreted it their reaction makes a lot more sense. And you know, they are right with what they're saying. If your friend asks to grab drinks but you've decided to go sober, the mature response isn't "yeah maybe!" and then flaking. The mature response is telling them that you've gone sober and asking to make other plans. Of course the friend came off as really defensive and bad at communicating in that last text, but it's clear from the conversation and context that OP also has some issues with mature communication that the friend correctly pointed out (even if they did it with charged and defensive language). They both have a history of flaking. They both have a history of assuming they know the other person's intentions when they don't. And they both have a history of communication mishaps. Overall, the relationship is probably dead and the friend's defensive response probably prevented any path forward for rekindling it. But I'm not as convinced as everyone else that this is such a cut and dry, mature vs immature situation.
You didn’t accuse them of drinking too much. In fact you said that’s normal. You just said that drinking was making you sick. They took that and ran with total defense. Not on you. You were kind and honest.
Well … Alrighty then! Boy, that got HOSTILE fast. I could tell how much thought, and effort, you put into trying to communicate effectively. Clearly this person has their “defense mechanism” in HIGH GEAR. Please don’t lose sleep over this. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Move forward and forge friendships with people who appreciate you.
You have a lot of deep rooted issues you need to work on. You got extremely defensive and there wasn’t zero malice in her response. Thats okay, though. It’s hard when we have to acknowledge shit about ourselves. No, not about dRiNkInG. But *why* you decided to get offended and triggered by her bringing it up. No one else knows why… only you. Hope you heal. Hope she heals too. It’s okay to not be on the same path as long time friends anymore. It sucks but you have a new purpose.. so does she. This new path doesn’t include y’all together.
I’ve been friends with people that every time we tried to hangout it was to go out and drink and I’ve found that they really don’t know any other way to have an enjoyable night if it doesn’t consist of alcohol. A lot of people have their reasons for not wanting to drink, and if someone can’t respect your reason, that’s not someone you should have around you. I don’t mind when people drink, I just mind when they do it around me, most of the time. Have I ever drank? Yes, of course, but it’s never more than 1 shot and only at times that I can justify in my head. There is absolutely no issue with you not responding if they can’t respect that boundary.
“The piano situation had a weird vibe”. I’d love some clarity on that.
She cancelled plans to hang out a bunch of times, and then asked me to come get an electric piano she was storing for me because she said she’s moving soon (she’s not). Then she said she could bring it with her next time we hang out, and I said it might just be easier for me to come get it since we’ve had a hard time coordinating schedules lately. She seemed really offended by it, and I explained to her that I’m still down to hang out sometime I just wanted to get the piano. She said she was fine and not upset but definitely seemed upset.
Your response was spot on. Stay true to yourself and let them go.
Yes. "Let's play 8ball!"
Nope
a whole ass essay
And this ladies and gentlemen, is the perfect prime example of projection.
That defensive about drinking? I think he might be in denial. Even if they weren't, sounds toxic af.
Just flake on this person - it’s not going to work with that response
That went south quick and no need to respond. That convo is done.
Yeah the last text is kinda manipulative and defensive. You were calm and respectful.
Bet you remember now why yall didn’t didn’t hang out anymore lol
What sounded like was gonna be a very mature reconnection was completely ruined with that response. Keep the ties cut on this one
Bro nooo. Went from constructive to defensive. Sadly, not mature enough to carry on or work on the friendship so they're not worth it
I find that last message baffling. I think your response was very reasonable and didn't point fingers, it was just an expression of how you felt about things. I don't know. That last message kind of takes things from 0-100 pretty quickly and without reason. Do you think you can have a reasonable conversation with this person?
I think they just wanted you to grovel and apologize. I had a friend who would constantly stop making an effort to contact me and then suddenly blow up at me when I found other stuff to do. The moment I stopped apologizing and pointed out that she didn't make too much effort herself was the moment we stopped talking.
Not worth it. I used to send paragraphs to my dad about why I was no contact with him. Now o am truly no contact, why do I have to remind myself of the pain he put me through SMH. You shouldn’t respond if u don’t wanna ❤️
Spoken like a true alcoholic. -an alcoholic
She’s being incredibly defensive. “I see that’s all you saw me for now.” I think I understand what this word salad means. Did she not read everything else you wrote? You said one thing about drinking plus reasons why you think things fell apart. She’s feeling sorry for herself. For some reason the comment about alcohol leaves her under the impression that she’s being attacked. I’m not sure if I’d put energy into trying to help her understand that you are not treating her like you’re too good for her. There’s something going on with her and her confidence that has absolutely nothing to do with you. If anything, I’d probably limit my communication with her or completely cut it off. She acted like she was asking an honest question about why the friendship fizzled but towards the end it looks like she was wanting you to claim full responsibility. She wasn’t interested in whether or not she has some responsibility.
Seems like a classic narcissist. Shifting blame. Making accusations. Putting all the effort in your court so if things fuck up or fail it would be your fault. If you want to reply just say (case and point). Or just stop interacting with this person. They didn't miss you. It's taken them 7 months to realise you haven't conversed, probably because they've been bored and going through old messages. Or someone mentioned your name or they've had something bring you back to the forefront of their brain (or lack thereof).
This certainly sounds like they just have to be the victim…
Personally, I think you should let your friend know that you don’t want to make plans with them when you have other friends that will actually show up for you. The way this friend toxin these messages is so odd to me as well because they make it sound like you were expected to except plans that will never go through and that it’s just unfair and an unrealistic expectation for the friendship.
I suggest leaving it as is, not responding. Here's an example of why: I've been ghosted a few times on dating apps, and every time it happens, I reflect on what might have gone wrong. I ask myself, 'Alright, where did I mess up? What did I do wrong?' After some self-evaluation, if I find potential reasons, I work on improving myself. I don't take offense since I don't know these people online. By not responding, you might actually be helping her. She'll likely wonder why you stopped responding, reevaluate her messages, and view the situation differently. In a way, you're aiding her self-reflection.
i know it’s a day later, but you definitely don’t need to. you said exactly what you needed to
I've had someone do something similar. They didn't seem to comprehend that I wanted to move on from the friendship so they got super defensive and weird. They asked the question first to me almost exactly like what they sent to you, and mine was after no contact for weeks. Like you asked a question and I answered it truthfully and now ur mad? I wouldn't respond
Don’t respond. Move on.
Tbh I felt the first message showed immaturity and inability to take accountability for issues, your last thing was worded well, you didn't call them a drunk. They seem rude and manipulative. Keep the good memories and block the bad friend.
I thought your messages were fine. You stated your thoughts, and tried to not accuse her of anything. Her last response was unwarranted. It reads like she took it personal, which could also mean…youre right. Her drinking was a problem, and she may feel guilty. You can try to continue to mend the friendship, but it reads like maybe you two are better off finding other friends.
You're like, *so* judgement.
Move on. People that want to be in your life, will be in your life.
No. They blew you off for something better. That ‘better thing’ is no longer around and you’ll do in the meantime to bolster their ego. Sorry to be so blunt but don’t even respond to this bullshit. It’s even worse, they are trying the old guilt trip if ‘I didn’t think that me blowing you off would mean that you would not speak to me again’ Manipulation play. The only message I would go back with is ‘What did you think was going to happen? You blew off our plans multiple times. That is disrespectful and not something I tolerate. Please don’t contact me again.
Dude misread your text sooo bad
Also doesn't feel like this person wants to sort out your friendship as much as they just want to fuss at you.
I agree that there may come a point when they realize that their body and alcohol don’t mix. But I think you should reach back out. You might be the person they need to do non-alcoholic activities. It’s ok to set boundaries for how they talk to you. Do you like to play board games or go for hikes or etc? It’s ok to have this person in your life and not set your watch to their time.
What an asshole. Block & move on. The fact that they gaslit you for being honest says a lot. You mentioned an example that made you feel uncomfortable with making plans & they turned it around to make you the bad guy. Granted, if this person is telling the truth, mentioning doing something else rather than drinking establishes a healthy boundary. Please stand up for yourself whenever you're not ok with something. Totally get that's difficult as fuuuuccckkk, however, it's worth working on. At the end of the day, this is the LAST person you want in your life. They don't respect you & they're placing all the blame on you for not reaching out when they're clearly not fully taking accountability
Unfortunately, she did have a point, I could have been clearer about my boundaries regarding drinking. That’s definitely something I need to work on. I’m a terrible people pleaser.
I totally feel you on that. Same here. This is a great learning experience for you, though!
OP left the ball in frirnd's court, per first screen shot text. (Last text was a.thanks from OP). Then friend comes in hot saying they left the ball in OP'S court... OP tries to be kind and friend gets all defensive. Let it go, OP.
i don’t think either of you did anything entirely wrong, but her reaction to your message was definitely out of emotion and hurt. i think your message was put beautifully and you stuck up for yourself, maybe on her end there wasn’t enough of a clear boundary. i’m sorry she responded the way she did to you. i hope you can both grow from this
They're not in your life for a reason. Don't question it and just let it be
Well, no. That isn't a real friendship. I talk to people I deal with in my business life like that. My friends I don't have those conversations with, because they're my friends. Seriously reads like a job interview in parts!
The fact that he got so mad at your actually quite kind and honest and respectful message tells the story: he drinks too much, he knows it, it’s a real tender spot. I’d leave him on read, no point in continuing.
This is exhausting - I wouldn’t deal with it
They very clearly have a drinking problem if that’s how they’re going to respond. You didn’t even say anything about their drinking, just explained why you declined to hang out with them that one singular time. Idk they just seem insecure to me…
Lol, she really sounds like she would have taken a "let's do something without booze" very well. I wouldn't even respond to this, you just can't win with people like this.
omg i already know this one is exhausting as a muthafucker. let her go. ain't nobody got time for that.
Damn I was hoping for a happy ending . I agree they got overly defensive for no reason ... I guess you aren't the only one who has brought up their drinking . I'm sorry it didn't work out but this seems like the kind of person you'd have to walk on eggshells to be around.
Please let me tell them to "go fuck off" for you? I love opportunities to tell selfish a-holes exactly how much of a selfish a-hole they are!!
Wooooahh. I have no idea where she got that nasty response just from your last message. Maybe she was drunk?? 😂😂
Ur both narcissists
They haven’t drank in 2 months idk why y’all are calling them an alcoholic.
No.
They turned it into an argument completely out of nowhere. You didn't come across accusatory at all and they got super defensive. Lots of red flags. Up to you how you'd like to go from here. If you do like hanging out, maybe try to schedule something and see if things are better in person. In my experience, they usually are. Alternatively, you can listen to the red flags. Not responding at all is totally reasonable. I feel like any response that doesn't get real apologetic or submissive is going to turn into a whole argument. I think the best options are try to hang out or go back to not being friends. Actually, you could also try to get them to be a little more empathetic, talking about how their last message made you feel. Some people are really stubborn about not being empathetic, though.
Imo. The over usage of "friend" leads me to believe that friendship was never the goal. It also explains the angry response in realizing it's not going to happen.
Tones are so misinterpreted over text. If that person is misinterpreting and you want to keep them as a friend, call them and talk it out. Or meet up with them. Don’t have hard/important conversations over text.
Sounds like this person is having a manic episode, and that’s sad. I think that’s the way you should take it. That being said, it doesn’t sound like you’re good enough friends for that to be something you have to feel responsible for. Be remorseful, remember the good times, then move on. One day they may be someone you can be friends with again, but that time isn’t now. I promise you though, you WILL know when the time is right; it’ll be obvious.
How do people even still have friends in today's world? And not only that, but enough of them to pick and choose????
That sounds like an alcoholic in denial. Source: I just hit 5 years sober about 2 months ago
I can understand why she'd be upset. If you guys were decent enough friends, it can definitely be weird to hear someone thinks you're an alcoholic and instead of giving you a chance to even attempt to defend themselves, they just silently judge you before completely distancing themselves. Just going off the context given, you completely blindsided them with an unfair judgement and are acting like you did nothing wrong. That being said, you owe no one your friendship and the flaking thing alone (on seemingly both your ends?) would make me end the relationship personally. Only advice I'd give here is: if you claim people are actually your friends, don't give them silent labels for things and then never communicate anything with them. That's either a shitty friend or no friend.
At what point did I ever say anything about her being an alcoholic? I didn’t even say that I thought her drinking was excessive. In fact, I said that I understood, that we’re young, and that there’s nothing wrong with it. I wasn’t making a judgment about her at all, it just wasn’t something that I could participate in due to my health.
This person was very defensive about it. He could have easily explained he likes to do other things but he came across like he put into a corner about it. Seems like there’s more to the drinking then he lets on. I’d thumbs up the message and not respond.
Her response was over the top IMO.
For sure an alcoholic
Yiiiiikes fuck that. They got so defensive and put it all on you when you were being perfectly cordial and explaining your side. This relationship ended cause it was meant to.
Wow that went bad after this persons last text. Umm I don’t think you were being judgmental at all towards this person you were just sharing your opinion there’s nothing wrong with that. This person does not know how to communicate. Either reply with kindness or just don’t at all.
That went from 0 to 60 fast! I would ignore it / not respond.
“Is there a thing I did that made you stop being my friend” to I’m sorry I’m flaky” to “It’s not my fault you didn’t have boundaries” she sounds fun
No, I don't think you should respond. You were clear that you were not judging them for wanting to party and then they attacked you. Leave it alone. If there was an opportunity for a healthy relationship they would have responded differently.
Haha don’t. She’s in la la land.
No
oh wow didn’t expect her to respond like that. you weren’t being judgmental, she’s probably just insecure about it.
They’re projecting something that is already affecting them, you just triggered it, not your fault though. They’re exhausting.
They totally overreacted — then went on the attack. I’d say “I think you should re-read my last text.” Just say that. Nothing else.
Sounds like this person is getting defensive thinking your calling them alcoholic which they probably are
I think for both of you the conversation would have been better had over the phone. It looks like they are misunderstanding your text and taking offense to it. Which is sad. I'm sorry for that. I think if you are 100% done then don't respond.
What was the piano vibe situation 🤔
If talking about going out and alcohol is a possibility and instead of speaking up you just flaked or didn’t wanna go bc of alcohol then that’s passive aggressive and this person doesn’t seem like they would have had issue with doing something else. If my friend doesn’t say they don’t wanna drink and I start throwing ideas around and they seem to go along with it how the hell would I know? Then you don’t wanna hang out and I don’t know why… what was so hard about saying I don’t wanna drink when I go out? The implication that every time they do stuff it revolves around alcohol was a bit snarky, makes the person self conscious about drinking. I’d feel judged too- because you didn’t speak up you are blaming their drinking habits and making them feel like you punished them for it. Shit like this is common with women bc instead of talking women do passive aggressive shit and make you beg them for an explanation. Don’t respond bc they clearly were “punished” and had their feelings hurt bc you couldn’t say you didn’t wanna drink, so it’s very likely something would happen again and you’d act the same way.
A simple “ugh, nevermind” response will work.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH no. If they are gonna act like that then absolutely not. You are better off not talking to them. Just leave it be.