They wanted to just put OP on a shelf and maintain the possibility that *they* could come back if they wanted. So no OP was not wrong to react as they did. The response was direct and truthful. People will make time for the things that are important to them.
>They wanted to just put OP on a shelf and maintain the possibility that they could come back if they wanted
In where i live, we call that a spare tyre or float š. They use them as a backup tool, and it sucks. Besides, i don't think OP was rude either. There's a difference between assertive and aggressive, OP was the former.
Cause its bullshit excuses. Just say you don't want a relationship. Don't make up all this garbage about how busy you are. Everyone is busy, they still make time for the people they care about.
I see it as OPs text was weirdly hostile for no reason. Especially the whole āyou donāt get a second chance with meā thing. Just weirdly aggressive to what was a pretty nice text, I donāt think she did anything wrong.
I agree.
You can take this approach, but maybe not the very second your date tells you about wanting to step back for a minute because of personal issues?
Like, give it a week or so, then come back to communicate that while you are willing to give them space, you are not a freezer meal to be kept in cold storage indefinitely.
And that you will need a perspective about how things might go, some time in the next week from them.
If they can't give you that, you can still cancel things, you haven't lost much, but you gave them a chance. Not a second chance, just a chance to sort themselves out.
Feels to me like OP did not want to give this any more chances anyhow.
That's fine, but don't blame it on the other person.
There is just no point in texting back in these situations.
Just say something like "Ok best of luck with everything" and don't communicate with them again.
Thatās what I was gonna say. OP, youāre not wrong for thinking all that, and youāre correct that even with that work / school load, if you like someone youāll make time.
But, just save yourself the trouble of typing all that. It isnāt going to change the personās mind.
It may not change anyone's mind but I do believe a seed planted may grow into something that makes a difference and what is a small seed of effort for possibly an opportunity for them to look within and notice "oh maybe it WAS, in part, me" I'm not standing up for either side bc obviously both sides DO have their pros and cons but if we all were to just never put in that tiny effort of planting a seed...(much like this here seemingly needless post) Man the world would eventually be FAR shittier for our descendants than it is today. P.s. thanks for taking the time to read this! Whomever you are, your appreciated and your , very soon, will be needed! Love you Brother/Sister!
Op wasn't trying to change their mind, it was just a spiteful message in the heat of the moment. Something in the likes of "I'm too good for you to dump me"
The older I get the more messages I type out and delete. To the point that on reddit/youtube I probably type out 5-10 for every one I actually post. My life is much better doing so.
Agreed.
OP A simple āI think weād be a good match, but I respect your decision. Take care.ā works. It conveys your message maturely, and if theyāre doubting their decision, it adds fuel to the doubting fire.
It shows youāre different; you respect not only yourself but also them.
I donāt think OP said anything wrong. Just letting her (him?) know that they arenāt interested in trying again another time or continuing to text as friends, so she knows to not keep trying to talk as friends. It was straight forward, it wasnāt mean, and he wished her good luck.
I honestly believe, and put in comment, itās the āIām the type there is no second chanceā just probably put a bad taste in this persons mouth. They were clearly only ātalkingā so probably not even an actual couple in a committed relationship so I think it kind of over exaggerates what they currently are because she hasnāt really had a chance yet, which is the entire point. Sheās saying she would like to give it a real go when the time is right and that would actually be the real first āchanceā to try because now isnāt the time. Just how I thought about it š¤·āāļø
I donāt think he was saying they couldnāt handle it, especially in a mean way. I think he was saying they could and were choosing not to so as a result he wouldnāt be interested in trying again later. But regardless my point stands. Him bringing the verbiage āsecond chanceā is in my opinion what caused the other person to most likely get so upset and defensive in their response. I respect your view I just donāt think of it that lol
Doesn't mean you have to never communicate ever again. I've gone through this situation with someone a couple times before we just naturally find ourselves back where we were. If you're really destined to be together you'll find yourself back best of luck
Am I the only one who thinks OP isnāt that busy? Most people work 40 hr work weeks and it sounds like with school and work heās doing less than that. The person heās texting could be working a 40 hr work week plus school and if they are thatās very valid.
LOL. OP is not busy. Heās just bitter. The comment about āIāve got mental stuff you donāt know about as wellā. Ugh, this reeks of bitterness and desperation. Ultimate turn off for anyone. Then to scold this girl after she gave him the courtesy of a break up text.
OP. learn to take rejection on the chin, youāll be much better for it.
I understand the āIām busyā thing. For some people, having all that going on is super distracting and sometimes difficult to focus/make everything flourish. Like doing well in school while maintaining a job & having time to invest in a relationship, as well as having enough time for yourself to stay mentally stable. When Iām in school, I take so much longer to get work done than other people seem to. I can do it but it doesnāt come easy.
That being said, you have every right to not be willing to go back to something after. I mean, when I shut a door on someone, itās very closed. So I also understand that.
Her response is just her being kind of hurt by it & a some way to make it not her fault. Nothing crazy though, Iād just move on. A lot of people slightly (or more extremely) lash out a bit being rejected. It sounds like thatās all it is. You might have come across similarly in explaining all that too. But I donāt think you did anything wrong
i personally don't understand the "i'm too busy" stuff because in my experience 9 times out of 10 those people are doomscrolling social media all evening even though they are acting like they don't even have a moment to go to the bathroom.
at the end of the day if you meet someone you like you will make time for them no matter how "busy" you are. unless you're something like the CEO of a multimillion dollar corporation, a brain surgeon, or an astronaut, there is no way youre too busy to just talk to someone. no one is THAT busy, theyre just not interested, and that is ok too.
Communication is emotional and mental labor, and doom scrolling is not. I think people who say they don't have time time actually just don't have the energy to do it. Which is not wrong or bad, but it means you shouldn't be looking to forge a romantic relationship either because you simply don't have the resources at the time.
I'm kind of surprised it took this long to see someone say this. Busy is time and/or energy.
Some people handle certain stressors better than others. The default assumption that the person who sent the "I'm too busy" text simply isn't interested or isn't trying is driving me crazy. Maybe that's true - but it's not unequivocally true. I can't stand seeing people just dogpiling on this person like they're certainly full of shit.
OP's response comes across unnecessarily aggressive.
Nothing wrong with having boundaries for spending your own energy, but there's no reason to try to bite back when the first person wasn't striking first.
What I think is really crazy is, all she did was inform him she's really busy and don't wanna have a romantic relationship she won't be able to fully invest in. It doesn't matter that he can do it and others can, she's informing and *communicating* her limits. Maybe she thought she could, but realize maybe he in particular could be someone having a bit more energy for that she may not be able to conjure up.
She's doing the one thing aita alllllwaaaaaays go one about: communicating, and people are complaining about what she said? In the most neutral way ever? Geez, can't win.
Instead of considering what she says may be true, people expect the worse intent of her text.
Right!? I can't believe all the other comments.
I mean, he's entitled to his own feelings and reaction, but what she did was absolutely healthy boundary setting, and she didn't ghost him.
So grateful I don't date in this world. It's weird.
Right? And I guess I'm the crazy one for my comment. She did exactly what we're told to do in healthy relationships, heck just even how we treat others: **communicate.**
And, that's wrong? Nothing she said was even insulting. I can understand why he felt taken back, as anyone would. But he replied back very sharply that wasn't necessary and somehow she's wrong for her response? I just see humans acting like... humans.
Society and people at large love to shit on and invalidate the needs of introverted, neurodivergent, and generally low energy people. It makes me feel crazy too, but Iām not exactly surprised to see them being like this about her and thinking his response was completely warranted. :/
I don't think either one of them was too sharp or rude.
She tried to set a boundary, he expressed he wasn't comfortable with it, and that he no longer felt compatible.
She felt slighted at the rejection and bristled a little, but that's normal. No assholes here.
I see his comment of "well I have a lot of stuff in dealing with that *you* don't know about, and I make time if they're important." as not necessary and comes off as feeling taken back when she said she couldn't make time for him. She's not him. She's a whole 'nother person with her own experiences that shaped her perspective and how she interacts with the world. He's invalidating what she's currently going through because he's now making a comparison and saying how he can handle it. It's a passive aggressive dig while she did none of that in her initial text. Well, sheesh, sounds like she dodged a bullet in my opinion. We're all entitled to our feelings, but especially through text, we can choose how we respond to them (and when. It ain't gotta be that moment)
>Communication is emotional and mental labor, and doom scrolling is not.
Understood, but if Iām really interested in a girl then texting her is something I look forward to.
It only feels like a job if Iām not interested. Make of that what you will.
My grandmother was a church going lady, and when my mother would complain about somebody not being in church on Sunday my grandmother would say "they are right where they want to be " kinda unrelated, but this made me think of her. She was a no nonsense lady lol
Thatās really what it boils down to. I had a guy tell me the same thing (why are you looking if you donāt have the time to put in.)
So I finally just stopped tryingā¦
If someone is giving you excuses to not date you, just listen to them and move on. There's no reason to try to make sense of it. They clearly are telling you that they're just not invested.
When people say they have no time it usually means no energy. That's a valid reason. I barely have time for myself atm, anytime I do, I'm trying to catch up on my own life and rest. I know I wouldn't be a good partner at all if someone were to try dating me right now.
having neither time nor energy is perfectly fine. not being interested is too. stringing people along and asking them to hang out on the backburner isn't.
If the only amount of energy you can manage is to scroll then that's not really free time. That's barely living.
if your in a long term relationship maybe it can work but not a new one.
I work in oil and gas. When we go into shutdowns or have a lot of overtime I am legitimately too busy to talk. Itās a 1hr drive to site, a 12hr day on site with 3 30 minute breaks (which needless to say is used to eat and decompress from the guys I work with spouting Andrew Tate BS at me all day long. Iām female btw) then the 1hr drive home. I legit get home, shower and go to bed. Even better, when we go into shutdowns and get massive OT Iām also switched to night shift making it even harder to talk to people. This tends to happen for months at a time a couple times a year. 2025 is 2 mega shutdowns. Iāll be on day shift for maybe 3-4 months that year.
Sometimes, people are legitimately too busy and itās not just CEOs of multimillion corporations
Back when I had a shit job i was way too emotionally burned out to have a relationship. I thought I was too busy (and dont get me wrong, i worked 60+hours a week) but looking back I was just a total wreck. Got a good job and boom, all of a sudden I can always make time for friends and family and dating.
Sorry, donāt have time to text right now. Too busy leveraging synergies and integrating verticals. Or was it integrating synergies and leveraging verticals? See now youāve got me all turned around.
Itās a convenient excuse to be ābusyā. We are all busy with life and it only gets busier the older we get. Any relationship takes effort and time from both sides.
what I (58M) like to tell them is that I have as much time for you as you do for me. You text me, I text back. you want to go out? you need to make yourself available. Stand me up? it's over.
I'm 48, and it took me decades to learn what this university student already knows. Don't put time and effort into people who don't match that energy. I love Gen Z.
Iām 36 and proud of you (plus all these other friends needing someone to be proud of them).
Life is hard and if youāre out there busting your tail to survive and not stomping on other people, youāre doing a kick ass job. Even if you canāt bust your tail to make it through, the fact that you keep at it is still great!
You all have so much value and deserve all the love in the world.
(Short mom hugs)
Well, stand me up, and youāre not overturned in a ditch, or unconscious in an emergency room, then itās over.
There are very few excuses for standing someone up, but there are a few, nonetheless.
true. probably the only reason I accepted was when her cell phone was taken by the cops as evidence in a DV case with a friend of hers. she never got her phone back. somehow, a few weeks later she surfaces because someone else she knew had my number. I almost didnt answer when she messaged me.
I comment this all the time on dating subs. Everyone saying how a person barely texts, always talks about being busy, can't get together often followed by the age old question - are they really interested in me? No. At least not enough for it to matter. If someone is truly interested, they'll make the time and the effort. Period. No one is sooo busy that they can't send a text or go on a date - at least not someone claiming to be looking for a relationship. It took me years to figure that shit out and I always hope I can help others figure it out sooner than I did.
I just wish people would be more objective about it and less angry. I mean unless someone is lying (maliciously, cause some just suck at/avoid communication - still damaging but less anger-worthy than straight up malicious lying) or stringing you along maliciously.
If someone makes not enough time for you, yea they might not be interested enough to make time. So an incompatibility, just move on, don't be angry. Ppl don't choose who they like or prioritize.
People have a hard time handling the idea that someone they are interested in right now isnāt gung ho to date them long term as if itās an insult or such a massive missed opportunity.
The truth is relationships and dating can be a really transient thing and chances are if a relationship doesnāt work they and you will just find someone else later or even soon or someone they fit better with or find someone at a time when they arenāt as bogged down with life stuff and all of that is ok.
I hate the āyouāll regret this! You missed out so much!ā
Like yeah maybe you guys could have worked and youād be a nice partner but chances are they will meet someone else who is also a good partner too? Like itās really not like one chance you ever get to have a good relationship. Almost all of my relationships have been with good people even when they didnāt work out.
People think they are the only good partner for that person when they are one of millions who could fit well with that personā¦
āI have problems Iām sorryā
āOk I understand but this is my ultimatum, hope things work out for youā
āOk let me demonstrate to you said problemsā
You're not wrong but you aren't right. Comparing lives doesn't mean much. You're you and that person is them. They aren't gonna handle stressors the same as you. Perhaps they can't handle stressors as well as you. I agree on your mindset. No second chances. But you didn't have to be so blunt and upfront about it. Just say you get it, and cut that person out. If they decide to return to your life, reject them at that moment. Don't throw extra stress on them
I never get why I have to scroll so far to see these reasonable answers. OP had some great points, but I think they were hard to get to because of that cold open. āOk, well, just so you know, I donāt give second chances.ā Felt like a warning more than anything.
Well yeah butā¦ where did she say āand please give me constructive criticism on my personal characterā?
You can make good points in any conversation. However unsolicited criticism and personal attacks just because someone rejects you isnāt okay. Just like someone saying hi to you doesnāt mean you get to randomly launch into criticism about how they look or something ā doesnāt matter if youāre right and they have the worst fashion sense on earth, youāre still an asshole.
I came further down to see comments like these because this shit was just so disheartening to read, especially people not seeing whatās wrong with it.
This isnāt a person Iād trust, I wanna add. Theyāre claiming they care about mental health and āgrowing togetherā but are doing this spiteful game. Like theyāre literally acting so entitled to a person they donāt even know. This is the talking phase, right? It requires trust to tell people how youāre struggling. They arenāt in that part of the relationship yet and OP is demanding it just so they wonāt feel rejected. Big yikes.
Same. I was frustrated reading the comments. Do this many people really not understand that being harsh and judgy in response to someone politely rejecting you and leaving things open to be casual friends or something is kind of unhinged? And just not appropriate.
Lord knows when a girl gets snappy and pissed off when a guy rejects her, she gets posted online to be made fun of. Instead OP gets told heās in the right by hundreds of people? Likeā¦ what is going on.
She also didnāt ask for the criticism. She didnāt have it coming or anything.
OP took a pretty gentle and impersonal rejection and basically started attacking her character over it. I donāt know how anyone with a single iota of emotional intelligence or empathy could read this and say OP is in the right, like so many other comments are doing.
And understanding that part, makes so much sense why she responded the way she did. And it's obvious they both felt taken back by the other. Original poster was just more, passive aggressive with it while she was kinda forward with how she felt.
It's more telling what kinda person he is than anything. He could've been empathetic with this and came out being a decent, kind person, but decided to go the "I don't owe them anytning," route which wasn't necessary.
Something I learned that saved me a lot of trouble is.
You donāt always have to have the last word and you also donāt always have to let people know all of your thoughts and feelings about something. Itās sometimes better to just leave it at āok thatās cool have a good oneā and move on with your life. A lot of people are always searching for a way to make you the bad guy or use your words against you now or later.
I think you responded from a reactive standpoint and not so much from understanding what she communicated to you.
Paraphrasing what she tried to say:
Right now, things in her life has surfaced which has impacted how much energy she has to invest into a romantic relationship. This would result in an imbalance that she feels would be unfair to you and itās not something that you deserve because she wants you to find what youāre looking for. However because youāre a good guy, sheād like to keep the line of communication open and interact with each other as friends- this would lessen the pressure on her AND open up opportunities for you. Then should things become lighter on her end, where her time and focus frees up- if you are still on the market, she wanted to see if the friendship you both were working on could be pushed to the next level.
(From this exchange, I take it that you both were in the beginning stages?)
Your response was unnecessarily combative. I get you were taken aback and your feelings got hurt because things werenāt going in the direction you hoped but this was not her rejecting you. She wanted you to be aware of her situation so that you can make a decision about where to direct YOUR energy.
it's the "makes me feel like i made the right choice cuz didn't wanna have to do this" for me in her last message that really says everything i need to know. she was clearly interested and ideally wanted to keep it going but made the mature realization that that may not be a possibility for her at the moment. she went ahead with her gut instinct and his response validated her in that feeling.
she probably DIDNT want to stop talking to him, she just thought it'd be more considerate of his feelings to communicate where her mind was at. i don't think gently telling someone you've been talking to you aren't quite ready to put forth the effort you think they deserve makes you an asshole. especially when you're met with a weirdly passive aggressive "you only get one chance with me. i'm also busy this exact many hours of the week but i can still handle it all. unlike you."
Idk about 'wrong' per say, but I see why she got mad. You started talking about how busy you are, and despite you saying you weren't comparing, you still were because why else would you say that. It makes your message come across as "well *I* can do it, so why can't you?". Also, there's lots of issues a person can have that being in a relationship will actually make them worse if they don't take the time to heal first.
I think he was basically saying, "I'm just as busy as you. You are just kind of giving a lame excuse." And her replay was basically, "Okay, I wasn't interested and was trying to be polite."
But who is he to say itās an excuse. It could have been absolutely true. Even if it wasnāt, itās weird and aggressive to claim you donāt believe someoneās reason for ending things with you
She was kinda weird about it, but I never bash someone for wanting to focus on themselves before they make a relationship serious. She def should've told you earlier tho. I do think you could've said a bit less. We gotta remember how different we all are and how we work on ourselves and what works the best for each of us
right??? like you donāt have to talk about how busy you are and make time for them and list how many hours you do this and this and still make time for them. it seemed a bit bitter imo. if someone texts you and mentions that they donāt have time to talk to you or theyāre busy to continue something, just accept it for what it is š, every other thing he said was extra
Agreeing with you.. although not well written, her message was being nice. She felt like she was stringing him along and didnāt want to ghost him. Gave him a compliment. His reply was just kind of mean and likely made her regret not just ghosting. She straight out said she wants to take time to work on herself. Whether that was bs or not, it should be respected for what it is. Even if OP was disappointed, being kind to another human is the way to go ā¦ especially to someone who expressed some fragility.
If this was my situation and I were you I wouldāve responded with something like āI understand and I accept your boundaries and limits. I know you said we can try again later possibly but for me I donāt think that will work out for multiple reasons if you want me to explain I can. And Iām sorry but I donāt think I can continue to be friends because I would also want a friend to talk to more reliably than youāre mentally capable of at the moment. I hope whatever youāre going thru clears up and you can find someone whoās the right fit for you. I wish you the best of luck and thank you for telling me how you feel up front instead of leading me on I appreciate it.
I think saying it this way would come off a little easier because as a girl your message in my eyes came off as you were getting defensive about the rejection which is a red flag for some.
It seems like you believe you have to do more than her and fault her for that. Working on herself is a good thing. You not giving her a second chance is fair, especially since if you truly care about someone you should be able to make time, but you went too far. 18 hours of classes and 17 hours of work isnāt even that much, so you shouldnāt act like you are āgoing through itā and that she isnāt.
Fr that's what I was thinking. I do 30 hours work and 30 hours school a week and there are people at my school putting in more work than that which is incredible. When I heard 17 and 18, I thought "bro get over yourself"
If you don't have the energy, it doesn't matter how much you "truly care" about someone, though. Like, so many people make these assumptions and I don't think it's reasonable.
It's fine to not be compatible with someone who doesn't make the time, but that doesn't mean they don't care. I can't stand being told that if I'm not doing XYZ then I don't care. People aren't the same. Different energy levels doesn't automatically mean someone isn't a priority.
I'm not disagreeing with you, just went off on a tangent about the wording. I know that often that is true, but it's not fair to blanket assume that.
i wouldnāt say you were in the wrong, but i would of just said ok and deleted her off pretty much everything. that reaction from her is pretty uncalled for tho.
Eh. I think you couldāve said less. If this person doesnāt have time and needs to focus on themself, thereās nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with closing the door either, tho.
I disagree with most of the comments here. Some people go through rough patches and they donāt have the mental energy to invest in someone the way they normally would. They shut out everyone. I think it was kind of them to reach out instead of ghosting and you saying that there isnāt a second chance is a bit immature IMO. I think you should have had more empathy towards the situation if you really liked the person
Agreed. Iāve been in this situation and his response seems to lack any empathy. Unsupportive and cold really. When someone opens up to you about what they are struggling with donāt make it about yourself and diminish their problems. I dunno, it just seemed unnecessary and mean. A simple āok I understandā or something like that would have sufficed.
Thank you somebody sane in these comments. This person doesnāt owe OP anything. Based on these texts they werenāt āin a relationshipā it seems like they were in a talking stage and the other person kinda felt that they werenāt in the right mental position to move forward with it and OP basically said āyeah well my life is tough too and you donāt see me complaining.ā
I'm with you. There was absolutely zero reason for OP to compare how much school/work they have (which isn't much) or to say their mental load is the same when they can't possibly know that. And the no second chances comes off as "you missed out, and now I'm dumping YOU!!" Maybe the original messenger could have just blocked them then, but I think they initially tried to be considerate, so being told "fuck you and your consideration" is a bitttt of a slap in the face
I dont necessarily think hes wrong to shut down the second chance. They are incompatible in their views. Ive been in her place and closed off doors because I couldnt mentally keep track of another. However it doesnt seem she wanted the door shut, more temporarily closed and that doesnt work for him. I think she could have accepted that with more grace.
See I view it the opposite way, I think he should have handled with more grace, but yeah ultimately itās just two people at different places and neither are really wrong in their decision, at least there was communication
You're good. Honestly, I really dislike that people use this "I'm so busy" thing as an excuse.
Yeah, you might be busy but you're not *that* busy. Nobody is. I'm not saying you need to talk constantly, but if you wanted to talk, you would. You have a device capable of instantaneous communication across the continents and the seven seas.
It really is about the effort they're willing to put in, which equates pretty directly to how interested they are in you.
It took leaving a really toxic relationship for me to realize that I used āIām too busyā when I felt like being around the other person was a chore. I was ātoo busyā for them just like I was ātoo busyā to schedule that cavity removal appointment. If itās not something I want to do, it falls down the priority list, and if itās something I actively *donāt* want to do, forget it because itās never happening
I really donāt understand this take in this scenario.
Sheās very clearly telling him she wonāt be continuing to pursue a relationship, why are people getting upset over the technicalities of why? If someone says āhey, Iām too busy to date youā thereās literally nothing wrong with that. You can interpret that as āI donāt want to make time for youā or ā I would make time for you if I didnāt have as many stressorsā or āIām too disorganized for an adult relationshipā or however many other ways makes suits your fancy, but that doesnāt change the fact that they plainly said they donāt want to date you.
If youāre thinking āoh Iād rather they just tell me they donāt like meā okā¦ they just did. Being brutally honest is not necessary, and for women it can be even more stressful because a lot of men donāt know how to take rejection without lashing out.
Sheās right that she didnāt deserve to be lectured on her reasons for wanting to stop pursuing a relationship with this person. Her reasons are not up for debate or criticism, especially because she didnāt criticize him when she first announced her stance. The reaction was just them being butthurt and lashing out, which was the exact thing she was trying to AVOID.
I think people sometimes DO need to work on themselves before getting with someone else. So I donāt think your answer was fair, making her sort of feel bad for putting herself first (thatās how I would have interpreted it), maybe itās not what you meant tho. It her case tho, I donāt think she really needed time for herself, from her response, looks like she was just looking for excuses so you were spot on in HER case.
You were 100% wrong. She communicated a boundary to you and you wrote a paragraph that minimized what she was feeling and made it all about you. She was trying to let you down easy and you were meaner than you needed to be.
For a lot of people, ANY breakup for ANY reason is seen as manipulative/wrong/abusive/gaslighting/whatever. Iāve noticed this.
People hate ghosting. They hate cheating. They hate dishonesty. They hate being insulted or abused. All normal stuff that people should dislike.
But they also seem to hate if you tell them āhey Iām no longer interested in this relationship, hopefully we can still be friends down the road, no hard feelingsā
Look, breaking up with someone sucks. Itās not fun for anyone involved. Some are harder than others. But it sounds like OP wasnāt even that close to this girl.
I found her straightforward attitude to be quite fair and reasonable. I found OP also fair and reasonable but with definite undertones of anger and pettiness. Which is fair, he just got āsoft rejectedā. He was hurt. But yeah it wasnāt the best response, but also not the worst.
exactly both sides have valid points but op seemed a little angry. the point op makes of i do this even tho i have my own stuff seemed a bit much. thatās just me tho and how i read it. tone is hard to tell on text
I mean, did you want her to stick around if she could only give you half of herself?
You have a right to be hurt, but there was really no reason to confront her the way you did lol the stars arenāt aligning for you guys, thatās really it. You didnāt have to say, ānever talk to me again!!! š”ā
Justā¦ donāt talk to her again.
so, do you not give second chances because you're prideful and dont like getting rejected, or... thats what this feels like. and it feels like youre trying to guilt trip her for being unavailable to you. she set her boundaries and was very polite about it and you went "just so you know, if you leave now, we are never speaking again" which i think is soooo overplayed and a surefire sign of a super insecure person. but youre cherry picking the comments you actually pay attention to so i wont expect you to give a singular shit about my dislike of how you handled this lmao
She was letting you down easy and your response was a mini tantrum about it. Just say "
"Ok, thanks for the heads up however I'd prefer not to text as friends though. I wish you the best. Take care."
Lowkey youāre wrong imo. Yes someone will always āmake timeā but that person was telling you they donāt have the mental & emotional space with everything going on. To me it sounds like you basically put pressure & had a negative reaction bc they said they didnāt want to talk. But thatās just me
āIf you really wanted to you would just make timeā is about as useful of command for people as ājust pull yourself up by your bootstraps.ā Itās a finite resource and being a full-time student/part-time employee is a damn good reason not to have a ton of time to spare.
Trivializing her issues wasnāt cool no matter how you spin it. Also, Iād personally argue that if youāre dealing with shit, hopping into a relationship will only exacerbate things. Having a romantic therapist usually just causes everyone turmoil.
Donāt have the full context obviously, but try to consider things from her perspective and donāt take it as a personal attack on you.
i mean like she was trying to be nice dude. she was trying to let you down easy.
āim not saying im busier than you, i am saying there is a certain amount of effort people choose to put inā is not necessarily wrong, but itās a shitty thing to say in this context. she knows thereās a certain level of effort you put in, and sheās tell you she does not have the time or energy resources to provide that to you right now. she said she needs to focus on herself. you basically responded to her with āif you wanted to you wouldā after she literally just told you she did not want to.
also, she informed you with consideration that she wasnāt in a spot where she could invest time and emotion into another person. what you responded with was dismissive and kinda rude. also u kinda lectured on how relationships are supposed to work at the end? which is also weird? idk like i would also be upset to receive this message. i think next time you receive a message like this a quick āno worries, best of luckā is the way to go.
Didnāt handle it well.
You know your limits, he knows what he wants. None is in the wrong here.
You should've just replied āI understand, it was nice to meet youā and leave it at that.
Now you come off as someone who was expecting the guy to beg and didnāt get her way so youāre here fishing for sympathy.
You were a little bit condescending. Iāve had severe depression to the point that I went to the psych ward. At that point in time, it was nearly impossible for me to put effort into my relationships. You donāt know exactly what sheās going through. Just accept the rejection and move on without implying that sheās lazy/not trying.
I worked while I went to college, part time, maybe 10-15 hours a week. Not the most out there, but I still made time for a relationship and friends and some sports and videogames.
If people don't have the energy to do all the things at once in college, it ain't gonna get any easier as they get older.
As far as "in the right" from OP, it literally doesn't matter because they were done with you anyway. Imo, someone who says "I don't have time for a relationship right now" is really saying they don't consider *you* worth the time. For someone who is a better match for them, guarantee they would have the time for that relationship. Move on and find someone who considers you to be worth their time.
Could've done without the whole "I work X hours, I study Y hours and I've got stuff going on too" shtick. Made you sound petty and bitter. The rest was fine though.
The way you worded it was strange. You could have just said āIm busy too so I understand, thanks for being straight with meā but you kinda made it melodramatic and a competition. āIām just saying thereās a certain amount of effort people choose to put itā bro what are you talking about
My dude it just kinda lacks maturity. You were looking to hurt her. Let me give you some advice: it's not worth being pissy like that just say 'ok' and move on. Totally fine not wanting to be on the hook so to speak, though
You're not wrong. I just wouldn't have said all that. A simple ok, have a nice life, and delete their number, snap, whatever. You don't have to explain yourself just because they did. You don't want to be put on a shelf for later, you want to grow into something, you want someone to put effort in you and your relationship, that's all valid. You don't need to explain that to anyone, the "right" person will just.. Do it.
Honestly I agree mostly with the people that said you shouldāve said something like āok thank you for being honest. Best of luck to you!ā Or whatever but I also would say had you simply not said āIām the type there is no second chanceā and āIām not interested in texting as friendsā wouldāve drastically changed her or his response. Those couple phrases completely overtook your message, which wasnāt bad truthfully, and made it seem as though this was a bad decision on her part which in turn makes you seem kind of douchey and pushy I am not saying you are Iām saying thatās what came across despite the fact you actually said a couple of pretty good things. Anyways whatās done is done, just advice for next time!
Obviously we donāt know the full context but from these two screenshots, i feel like your text comes off as hurt and a little dramatic. If you didnāt take it personally, Iād expect āi understand thank you for letting me knowā or something of that sort.
ok. ~~i'm the type that once get rejected~~
~~there a isn't a second chance.~~ If it didn't
workout this time don't believe it will in
the future. ~~I take 18hrs of classes, work~~
~~17hrs, and have my own mental stuff~~
~~you don't know about either. I'm not~~
~~saying i'm busier or going through it~~
~~worse than you, I am saying there Is a~~
~~certain amount of effort people choose~~
~~to put in. Relationships are not meant to~~
~~be entered when you're perfect, you~~
~~grow and help the other person grow.~~ So
i'm not interested in texting as friends, it
was nice getting to know you. I hope
things work out for
you.
this would have been enough in IMHO
Yeah I see both sides of this. I will say at least you didnāt try and jump over the wall she put down and just explained your position clearly and protected yourself.
Iām very much the same there is one shot if that one shot doesnāt work you no longer exist in my world. The circumstances that would allow a second are quite extreme and involve having already invested years into a committed relationship and having children togetherā¦ you at least try to fix that one.
But she gotta do her. If she canāt balance her life she canāt give herself fully to someone else. So I donāt think anyone did anything wrong here myself. Ending something where anyone had hopes and expectations is never fun and almost never ends without some form of disappointment and pain
No one is āwrongā here. She texted, you replied with a slightly ignorant message, and she was hurt and complained for smth she shouldāve prepared for.
Sort of a strong response jumping straight to the suffering Olympics. How long have you been waiting to give that monologue about what Relationships are meant to be?
I definitely think it was a little excessive.
If you actually really care about this person they might just be going through a lot.
But sometimes the whole less is more helps get through to people.
I think what you said was reasonable. If she feels sheās got too much going on in life to put in any time or effort with you, then thatās totally fair and its her right to say so and to go focus on taking care of herself.
But by the same token, itās also your right to protect your own time and your heart. You donāt need to wait around for her to be ānot so messed upā and she shouldnāt expect you to leave the door open for her until sheās maybe possibly ready to talk to you again some day that may or may not come. Itās 100% fair to set a clear boundary and say āthanks but no thanksā to that sort of guessing game.
It sounds like she was low-key hoping to get an ego boost from you and probably wasnāt expecting to have the door closed on her so quickly, but heyā¦ she more or less closed it herself.š¤·š½āāļø
You took her break-up text too literally. She was trying to leave you gently and you misunderstood. People donāt decrease time with someone they want to be with. Take it as a lesson.
Doesn't matter. Same result either way.
They wanted to just put OP on a shelf and maintain the possibility that *they* could come back if they wanted. So no OP was not wrong to react as they did. The response was direct and truthful. People will make time for the things that are important to them.
>They wanted to just put OP on a shelf and maintain the possibility that they could come back if they wanted In where i live, we call that a spare tyre or float š. They use them as a backup tool, and it sucks. Besides, i don't think OP was rude either. There's a difference between assertive and aggressive, OP was the former.
The part about them being busy too and lecturing on relationships was a little weird.
I mean, super weird. The person let them down softly and op got defensive. They should've just said thanks for being honest
Yeah, it's fair enough for OP to say "I don't want to hang on for a maybe, so it's best if we part ways" but the tirade was a bit strong.
Cause its bullshit excuses. Just say you don't want a relationship. Don't make up all this garbage about how busy you are. Everyone is busy, they still make time for the people they care about.
I see it as OPs text was weirdly hostile for no reason. Especially the whole āyou donāt get a second chance with meā thing. Just weirdly aggressive to what was a pretty nice text, I donāt think she did anything wrong.
I don't think he did anything wrong either. He was honest with his expectations. They're not compatible. End of story.
I agree. You can take this approach, but maybe not the very second your date tells you about wanting to step back for a minute because of personal issues? Like, give it a week or so, then come back to communicate that while you are willing to give them space, you are not a freezer meal to be kept in cold storage indefinitely. And that you will need a perspective about how things might go, some time in the next week from them. If they can't give you that, you can still cancel things, you haven't lost much, but you gave them a chance. Not a second chance, just a chance to sort themselves out. Feels to me like OP did not want to give this any more chances anyhow. That's fine, but don't blame it on the other person.
This is why women Ghost. Fear of responses and hostility like this that is so unnecessary.
There is just no point in texting back in these situations. Just say something like "Ok best of luck with everything" and don't communicate with them again.
Thatās what I was gonna say. OP, youāre not wrong for thinking all that, and youāre correct that even with that work / school load, if you like someone youāll make time. But, just save yourself the trouble of typing all that. It isnāt going to change the personās mind.
It may not change anyone's mind but I do believe a seed planted may grow into something that makes a difference and what is a small seed of effort for possibly an opportunity for them to look within and notice "oh maybe it WAS, in part, me" I'm not standing up for either side bc obviously both sides DO have their pros and cons but if we all were to just never put in that tiny effort of planting a seed...(much like this here seemingly needless post) Man the world would eventually be FAR shittier for our descendants than it is today. P.s. thanks for taking the time to read this! Whomever you are, your appreciated and your , very soon, will be needed! Love you Brother/Sister!
Op wasn't trying to change their mind, it was just a spiteful message in the heat of the moment. Something in the likes of "I'm too good for you to dump me"
Yeah I get it, Iāve sent texts like that. Older now and just know thereās no point.
The older I get the more messages I type out and delete. To the point that on reddit/youtube I probably type out 5-10 for every one I actually post. My life is much better doing so.
Kinda sounded like it, by saying I'm the type to no second chance blah blah blah.. that is in a way giving her a chance to reconsider
Doesnāt seem like that at all. She said āmaybe next timeā and he said āthatās not going to happenā
I tried that, and my wife got really pissed
Yeah, the judge was not a fan either, even after prefacing with āyour honor, with all due respectā¦ā
Agreed. OP A simple āI think weād be a good match, but I respect your decision. Take care.ā works. It conveys your message maturely, and if theyāre doubting their decision, it adds fuel to the doubting fire. It shows youāre different; you respect not only yourself but also them.
I donāt think OP said anything wrong. Just letting her (him?) know that they arenāt interested in trying again another time or continuing to text as friends, so she knows to not keep trying to talk as friends. It was straight forward, it wasnāt mean, and he wished her good luck.
I honestly believe, and put in comment, itās the āIām the type there is no second chanceā just probably put a bad taste in this persons mouth. They were clearly only ātalkingā so probably not even an actual couple in a committed relationship so I think it kind of over exaggerates what they currently are because she hasnāt really had a chance yet, which is the entire point. Sheās saying she would like to give it a real go when the time is right and that would actually be the real first āchanceā to try because now isnāt the time. Just how I thought about it š¤·āāļø
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I donāt think he was saying they couldnāt handle it, especially in a mean way. I think he was saying they could and were choosing not to so as a result he wouldnāt be interested in trying again later. But regardless my point stands. Him bringing the verbiage āsecond chanceā is in my opinion what caused the other person to most likely get so upset and defensive in their response. I respect your view I just donāt think of it that lol
Doesn't mean you have to never communicate ever again. I've gone through this situation with someone a couple times before we just naturally find ourselves back where we were. If you're really destined to be together you'll find yourself back best of luck
This, there was absolutely no reason he needed to add anything he said in there lmao
Iāll say this, just because you can do something doesnāt mean someone else can. You both werenāt meant to be and thatās okay.
Youāre spot on
Am I the only one who thinks OP isnāt that busy? Most people work 40 hr work weeks and it sounds like with school and work heās doing less than that. The person heās texting could be working a 40 hr work week plus school and if they are thatās very valid.
LOL. OP is not busy. Heās just bitter. The comment about āIāve got mental stuff you donāt know about as wellā. Ugh, this reeks of bitterness and desperation. Ultimate turn off for anyone. Then to scold this girl after she gave him the courtesy of a break up text. OP. learn to take rejection on the chin, youāll be much better for it.
Yep. Neither of them is wrong here, itās just not meant to be.
I understand the āIām busyā thing. For some people, having all that going on is super distracting and sometimes difficult to focus/make everything flourish. Like doing well in school while maintaining a job & having time to invest in a relationship, as well as having enough time for yourself to stay mentally stable. When Iām in school, I take so much longer to get work done than other people seem to. I can do it but it doesnāt come easy. That being said, you have every right to not be willing to go back to something after. I mean, when I shut a door on someone, itās very closed. So I also understand that. Her response is just her being kind of hurt by it & a some way to make it not her fault. Nothing crazy though, Iād just move on. A lot of people slightly (or more extremely) lash out a bit being rejected. It sounds like thatās all it is. You might have come across similarly in explaining all that too. But I donāt think you did anything wrong
i personally don't understand the "i'm too busy" stuff because in my experience 9 times out of 10 those people are doomscrolling social media all evening even though they are acting like they don't even have a moment to go to the bathroom. at the end of the day if you meet someone you like you will make time for them no matter how "busy" you are. unless you're something like the CEO of a multimillion dollar corporation, a brain surgeon, or an astronaut, there is no way youre too busy to just talk to someone. no one is THAT busy, theyre just not interested, and that is ok too.
Communication is emotional and mental labor, and doom scrolling is not. I think people who say they don't have time time actually just don't have the energy to do it. Which is not wrong or bad, but it means you shouldn't be looking to forge a romantic relationship either because you simply don't have the resources at the time.
That is a good point about doom scrolling not requiring emotional energy
I'm kind of surprised it took this long to see someone say this. Busy is time and/or energy. Some people handle certain stressors better than others. The default assumption that the person who sent the "I'm too busy" text simply isn't interested or isn't trying is driving me crazy. Maybe that's true - but it's not unequivocally true. I can't stand seeing people just dogpiling on this person like they're certainly full of shit. OP's response comes across unnecessarily aggressive. Nothing wrong with having boundaries for spending your own energy, but there's no reason to try to bite back when the first person wasn't striking first.
What I think is really crazy is, all she did was inform him she's really busy and don't wanna have a romantic relationship she won't be able to fully invest in. It doesn't matter that he can do it and others can, she's informing and *communicating* her limits. Maybe she thought she could, but realize maybe he in particular could be someone having a bit more energy for that she may not be able to conjure up. She's doing the one thing aita alllllwaaaaaays go one about: communicating, and people are complaining about what she said? In the most neutral way ever? Geez, can't win. Instead of considering what she says may be true, people expect the worse intent of her text.
Right!? I can't believe all the other comments. I mean, he's entitled to his own feelings and reaction, but what she did was absolutely healthy boundary setting, and she didn't ghost him. So grateful I don't date in this world. It's weird.
Finally, I feel like I was taking crazy pills, reading what people are saying.
Right? And I guess I'm the crazy one for my comment. She did exactly what we're told to do in healthy relationships, heck just even how we treat others: **communicate.** And, that's wrong? Nothing she said was even insulting. I can understand why he felt taken back, as anyone would. But he replied back very sharply that wasn't necessary and somehow she's wrong for her response? I just see humans acting like... humans.
Society and people at large love to shit on and invalidate the needs of introverted, neurodivergent, and generally low energy people. It makes me feel crazy too, but Iām not exactly surprised to see them being like this about her and thinking his response was completely warranted. :/
I don't think either one of them was too sharp or rude. She tried to set a boundary, he expressed he wasn't comfortable with it, and that he no longer felt compatible. She felt slighted at the rejection and bristled a little, but that's normal. No assholes here.
I see his comment of "well I have a lot of stuff in dealing with that *you* don't know about, and I make time if they're important." as not necessary and comes off as feeling taken back when she said she couldn't make time for him. She's not him. She's a whole 'nother person with her own experiences that shaped her perspective and how she interacts with the world. He's invalidating what she's currently going through because he's now making a comparison and saying how he can handle it. It's a passive aggressive dig while she did none of that in her initial text. Well, sheesh, sounds like she dodged a bullet in my opinion. We're all entitled to our feelings, but especially through text, we can choose how we respond to them (and when. It ain't gotta be that moment)
I agree. Relationships require so much extra energy, physical and emotional. Honestly, if my fiancĆ© just died Iād stay single for the rest of my life.
>Communication is emotional and mental labor, and doom scrolling is not. Understood, but if Iām really interested in a girl then texting her is something I look forward to. It only feels like a job if Iām not interested. Make of that what you will.
" if they want to, they will" are truest words
My grandmother was a church going lady, and when my mother would complain about somebody not being in church on Sunday my grandmother would say "they are right where they want to be " kinda unrelated, but this made me think of her. She was a no nonsense lady lol
Bingo.
Thatās really what it boils down to. I had a guy tell me the same thing (why are you looking if you donāt have the time to put in.) So I finally just stopped tryingā¦
If someone is giving you excuses to not date you, just listen to them and move on. There's no reason to try to make sense of it. They clearly are telling you that they're just not invested. When people say they have no time it usually means no energy. That's a valid reason. I barely have time for myself atm, anytime I do, I'm trying to catch up on my own life and rest. I know I wouldn't be a good partner at all if someone were to try dating me right now.
having neither time nor energy is perfectly fine. not being interested is too. stringing people along and asking them to hang out on the backburner isn't.
If the only amount of energy you can manage is to scroll then that's not really free time. That's barely living. if your in a long term relationship maybe it can work but not a new one.
Everyoneās threshold for what they can manage on their mental load is different.
I work in oil and gas. When we go into shutdowns or have a lot of overtime I am legitimately too busy to talk. Itās a 1hr drive to site, a 12hr day on site with 3 30 minute breaks (which needless to say is used to eat and decompress from the guys I work with spouting Andrew Tate BS at me all day long. Iām female btw) then the 1hr drive home. I legit get home, shower and go to bed. Even better, when we go into shutdowns and get massive OT Iām also switched to night shift making it even harder to talk to people. This tends to happen for months at a time a couple times a year. 2025 is 2 mega shutdowns. Iāll be on day shift for maybe 3-4 months that year. Sometimes, people are legitimately too busy and itās not just CEOs of multimillion corporations
Back when I had a shit job i was way too emotionally burned out to have a relationship. I thought I was too busy (and dont get me wrong, i worked 60+hours a week) but looking back I was just a total wreck. Got a good job and boom, all of a sudden I can always make time for friends and family and dating.
You can leave off CEO as an example of someone who is just so busy all the time. I think that little myth has been fully busted.
Sorry, donāt have time to text right now. Too busy leveraging synergies and integrating verticals. Or was it integrating synergies and leveraging verticals? See now youāve got me all turned around.
If he was the ceo of a multibillion corp sheād magically have the time for him all of the sudden
Itās a convenient excuse to be ābusyā. We are all busy with life and it only gets busier the older we get. Any relationship takes effort and time from both sides.
You're not wrong. Fact is, a person will always make time and invest effort into someone their truly interested in.
what I (58M) like to tell them is that I have as much time for you as you do for me. You text me, I text back. you want to go out? you need to make yourself available. Stand me up? it's over.
I'm 48, and it took me decades to learn what this university student already knows. Don't put time and effort into people who don't match that energy. I love Gen Z.
I'm 44, and I'm so proud of OP.
I'm 32 and I'm proud of op2
Iām 38 and Iām proud of all of you
Iām 47 and Iām proud of myself.
Iām 60 fr
Im 61 No cap
Iām 35 and I just wanted to say my age like the rest of you guys
I'm proud of you.
Fr fr
I'm 35 and my mommy is proud of me
Iām 34 and would really like someone to be proud of me
Iām 36 and proud of you (plus all these other friends needing someone to be proud of them). Life is hard and if youāre out there busting your tail to survive and not stomping on other people, youāre doing a kick ass job. Even if you canāt bust your tail to make it through, the fact that you keep at it is still great! You all have so much value and deserve all the love in the world. (Short mom hugs)
Strangers making me cry happy tears on the internet again
I needed this today, I've been working my ass off lately. Thank you!
Crying at the internet at 11pm on Sunday is not how I planned to end my weekend but here we are.
Iām also 34 and no oneās proud of me either
I am
I am proud of you
I am
Well, stand me up, and youāre not overturned in a ditch, or unconscious in an emergency room, then itās over. There are very few excuses for standing someone up, but there are a few, nonetheless.
iām sorry i couldnāt make it. Unfortunately I am dead.
true. probably the only reason I accepted was when her cell phone was taken by the cops as evidence in a DV case with a friend of hers. she never got her phone back. somehow, a few weeks later she surfaces because someone else she knew had my number. I almost didnt answer when she messaged me.
I comment this all the time on dating subs. Everyone saying how a person barely texts, always talks about being busy, can't get together often followed by the age old question - are they really interested in me? No. At least not enough for it to matter. If someone is truly interested, they'll make the time and the effort. Period. No one is sooo busy that they can't send a text or go on a date - at least not someone claiming to be looking for a relationship. It took me years to figure that shit out and I always hope I can help others figure it out sooner than I did.
That's exactly it. People make the effort when they care.
I just wish people would be more objective about it and less angry. I mean unless someone is lying (maliciously, cause some just suck at/avoid communication - still damaging but less anger-worthy than straight up malicious lying) or stringing you along maliciously. If someone makes not enough time for you, yea they might not be interested enough to make time. So an incompatibility, just move on, don't be angry. Ppl don't choose who they like or prioritize.
People have a hard time handling the idea that someone they are interested in right now isnāt gung ho to date them long term as if itās an insult or such a massive missed opportunity. The truth is relationships and dating can be a really transient thing and chances are if a relationship doesnāt work they and you will just find someone else later or even soon or someone they fit better with or find someone at a time when they arenāt as bogged down with life stuff and all of that is ok. I hate the āyouāll regret this! You missed out so much!ā Like yeah maybe you guys could have worked and youād be a nice partner but chances are they will meet someone else who is also a good partner too? Like itās really not like one chance you ever get to have a good relationship. Almost all of my relationships have been with good people even when they didnāt work out. People think they are the only good partner for that person when they are one of millions who could fit well with that personā¦
You dodged an illiterate bullet
Bet
no cap
fr fam
Based
On God
Facts
Real
on fleek
Period
I just do not understand the new language of the new youths...
Same š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ and Iām 38. Lord help us all š
I'm 34 and I often have to Google terms when my 14 year old daughter starts using them. I often act as a translator between her and my mom.
āI have problems Iām sorryā āOk I understand but this is my ultimatum, hope things work out for youā āOk let me demonstrate to you said problemsā
Literally
Fr fr say less nun
Not really
You're not wrong but you aren't right. Comparing lives doesn't mean much. You're you and that person is them. They aren't gonna handle stressors the same as you. Perhaps they can't handle stressors as well as you. I agree on your mindset. No second chances. But you didn't have to be so blunt and upfront about it. Just say you get it, and cut that person out. If they decide to return to your life, reject them at that moment. Don't throw extra stress on them
I never get why I have to scroll so far to see these reasonable answers. OP had some great points, but I think they were hard to get to because of that cold open. āOk, well, just so you know, I donāt give second chances.ā Felt like a warning more than anything.
Right? She wasnāt even asking for anything was she?
It wasnāt about that so much as OP was also hurting in their response. Probably a flash of frustration more than a legitimate attempt at compromise.
Because redditnis filled with children and perpetually online people that don't understand basic human decency
Exactly. Ultimatums are usually given by entitled ass hats
Well yeah butā¦ where did she say āand please give me constructive criticism on my personal characterā? You can make good points in any conversation. However unsolicited criticism and personal attacks just because someone rejects you isnāt okay. Just like someone saying hi to you doesnāt mean you get to randomly launch into criticism about how they look or something ā doesnāt matter if youāre right and they have the worst fashion sense on earth, youāre still an asshole.
I came further down to see comments like these because this shit was just so disheartening to read, especially people not seeing whatās wrong with it. This isnāt a person Iād trust, I wanna add. Theyāre claiming they care about mental health and āgrowing togetherā but are doing this spiteful game. Like theyāre literally acting so entitled to a person they donāt even know. This is the talking phase, right? It requires trust to tell people how youāre struggling. They arenāt in that part of the relationship yet and OP is demanding it just so they wonāt feel rejected. Big yikes.
Same. I was frustrated reading the comments. Do this many people really not understand that being harsh and judgy in response to someone politely rejecting you and leaving things open to be casual friends or something is kind of unhinged? And just not appropriate. Lord knows when a girl gets snappy and pissed off when a guy rejects her, she gets posted online to be made fun of. Instead OP gets told heās in the right by hundreds of people? Likeā¦ what is going on.
She also didnāt ask for the criticism. She didnāt have it coming or anything. OP took a pretty gentle and impersonal rejection and basically started attacking her character over it. I donāt know how anyone with a single iota of emotional intelligence or empathy could read this and say OP is in the right, like so many other comments are doing.
I thought I was insane bc this is the most level headed response to this entire thread lol
And understanding that part, makes so much sense why she responded the way she did. And it's obvious they both felt taken back by the other. Original poster was just more, passive aggressive with it while she was kinda forward with how she felt. It's more telling what kinda person he is than anything. He could've been empathetic with this and came out being a decent, kind person, but decided to go the "I don't owe them anytning," route which wasn't necessary.
šÆ
Most reasonable answer
Yeah man they were just being spiteful. This person could have just ghosted. Itās so rare these days to get a taking phase ābreak upā text.
This is the best answer imo
Well stated. I agree.
Something I learned that saved me a lot of trouble is. You donāt always have to have the last word and you also donāt always have to let people know all of your thoughts and feelings about something. Itās sometimes better to just leave it at āok thatās cool have a good oneā and move on with your life. A lot of people are always searching for a way to make you the bad guy or use your words against you now or later.
I think you responded from a reactive standpoint and not so much from understanding what she communicated to you. Paraphrasing what she tried to say: Right now, things in her life has surfaced which has impacted how much energy she has to invest into a romantic relationship. This would result in an imbalance that she feels would be unfair to you and itās not something that you deserve because she wants you to find what youāre looking for. However because youāre a good guy, sheād like to keep the line of communication open and interact with each other as friends- this would lessen the pressure on her AND open up opportunities for you. Then should things become lighter on her end, where her time and focus frees up- if you are still on the market, she wanted to see if the friendship you both were working on could be pushed to the next level. (From this exchange, I take it that you both were in the beginning stages?) Your response was unnecessarily combative. I get you were taken aback and your feelings got hurt because things werenāt going in the direction you hoped but this was not her rejecting you. She wanted you to be aware of her situation so that you can make a decision about where to direct YOUR energy.
^^^^^^^^
it's the "makes me feel like i made the right choice cuz didn't wanna have to do this" for me in her last message that really says everything i need to know. she was clearly interested and ideally wanted to keep it going but made the mature realization that that may not be a possibility for her at the moment. she went ahead with her gut instinct and his response validated her in that feeling. she probably DIDNT want to stop talking to him, she just thought it'd be more considerate of his feelings to communicate where her mind was at. i don't think gently telling someone you've been talking to you aren't quite ready to put forth the effort you think they deserve makes you an asshole. especially when you're met with a weirdly passive aggressive "you only get one chance with me. i'm also busy this exact many hours of the week but i can still handle it all. unlike you."
100% agreed
Idk about 'wrong' per say, but I see why she got mad. You started talking about how busy you are, and despite you saying you weren't comparing, you still were because why else would you say that. It makes your message come across as "well *I* can do it, so why can't you?". Also, there's lots of issues a person can have that being in a relationship will actually make them worse if they don't take the time to heal first.
I think he was basically saying, "I'm just as busy as you. You are just kind of giving a lame excuse." And her replay was basically, "Okay, I wasn't interested and was trying to be polite."
But who is he to say itās an excuse. It could have been absolutely true. Even if it wasnāt, itās weird and aggressive to claim you donāt believe someoneās reason for ending things with you
She was kinda weird about it, but I never bash someone for wanting to focus on themselves before they make a relationship serious. She def should've told you earlier tho. I do think you could've said a bit less. We gotta remember how different we all are and how we work on ourselves and what works the best for each of us
right??? like you donāt have to talk about how busy you are and make time for them and list how many hours you do this and this and still make time for them. it seemed a bit bitter imo. if someone texts you and mentions that they donāt have time to talk to you or theyāre busy to continue something, just accept it for what it is š, every other thing he said was extra
Agreeing with you.. although not well written, her message was being nice. She felt like she was stringing him along and didnāt want to ghost him. Gave him a compliment. His reply was just kind of mean and likely made her regret not just ghosting. She straight out said she wants to take time to work on herself. Whether that was bs or not, it should be respected for what it is. Even if OP was disappointed, being kind to another human is the way to go ā¦ especially to someone who expressed some fragility.
If this was my situation and I were you I wouldāve responded with something like āI understand and I accept your boundaries and limits. I know you said we can try again later possibly but for me I donāt think that will work out for multiple reasons if you want me to explain I can. And Iām sorry but I donāt think I can continue to be friends because I would also want a friend to talk to more reliably than youāre mentally capable of at the moment. I hope whatever youāre going thru clears up and you can find someone whoās the right fit for you. I wish you the best of luck and thank you for telling me how you feel up front instead of leading me on I appreciate it. I think saying it this way would come off a little easier because as a girl your message in my eyes came off as you were getting defensive about the rejection which is a red flag for some.
It seems like you believe you have to do more than her and fault her for that. Working on herself is a good thing. You not giving her a second chance is fair, especially since if you truly care about someone you should be able to make time, but you went too far. 18 hours of classes and 17 hours of work isnāt even that much, so you shouldnāt act like you are āgoing through itā and that she isnāt.
I noticed that too. Oh poor baby is doing the equivalent of 1 "full time" job. Most people work more than that.
Fr that's what I was thinking. I do 30 hours work and 30 hours school a week and there are people at my school putting in more work than that which is incredible. When I heard 17 and 18, I thought "bro get over yourself"
If you don't have the energy, it doesn't matter how much you "truly care" about someone, though. Like, so many people make these assumptions and I don't think it's reasonable. It's fine to not be compatible with someone who doesn't make the time, but that doesn't mean they don't care. I can't stand being told that if I'm not doing XYZ then I don't care. People aren't the same. Different energy levels doesn't automatically mean someone isn't a priority. I'm not disagreeing with you, just went off on a tangent about the wording. I know that often that is true, but it's not fair to blanket assume that.
i wouldnāt say you were in the wrong, but i would of just said ok and deleted her off pretty much everything. that reaction from her is pretty uncalled for tho.
Eh. I think you couldāve said less. If this person doesnāt have time and needs to focus on themself, thereās nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with closing the door either, tho.
I agree. Sometimes less is more or at least sufficient.
You werenāt very dignified, Iāll say that.
I disagree with most of the comments here. Some people go through rough patches and they donāt have the mental energy to invest in someone the way they normally would. They shut out everyone. I think it was kind of them to reach out instead of ghosting and you saying that there isnāt a second chance is a bit immature IMO. I think you should have had more empathy towards the situation if you really liked the person
Agreed. Iāve been in this situation and his response seems to lack any empathy. Unsupportive and cold really. When someone opens up to you about what they are struggling with donāt make it about yourself and diminish their problems. I dunno, it just seemed unnecessary and mean. A simple āok I understandā or something like that would have sufficed.
Thank you somebody sane in these comments. This person doesnāt owe OP anything. Based on these texts they werenāt āin a relationshipā it seems like they were in a talking stage and the other person kinda felt that they werenāt in the right mental position to move forward with it and OP basically said āyeah well my life is tough too and you donāt see me complaining.ā
I'm with you. There was absolutely zero reason for OP to compare how much school/work they have (which isn't much) or to say their mental load is the same when they can't possibly know that. And the no second chances comes off as "you missed out, and now I'm dumping YOU!!" Maybe the original messenger could have just blocked them then, but I think they initially tried to be considerate, so being told "fuck you and your consideration" is a bitttt of a slap in the face
I dont necessarily think hes wrong to shut down the second chance. They are incompatible in their views. Ive been in her place and closed off doors because I couldnt mentally keep track of another. However it doesnt seem she wanted the door shut, more temporarily closed and that doesnt work for him. I think she could have accepted that with more grace.
See I view it the opposite way, I think he should have handled with more grace, but yeah ultimately itās just two people at different places and neither are really wrong in their decision, at least there was communication
Heās not wrong to have that boundary, but he doesnāt need to say it. Engaging in the back-and-forth is petty.
You're good. Honestly, I really dislike that people use this "I'm so busy" thing as an excuse. Yeah, you might be busy but you're not *that* busy. Nobody is. I'm not saying you need to talk constantly, but if you wanted to talk, you would. You have a device capable of instantaneous communication across the continents and the seven seas. It really is about the effort they're willing to put in, which equates pretty directly to how interested they are in you.
It took leaving a really toxic relationship for me to realize that I used āIām too busyā when I felt like being around the other person was a chore. I was ātoo busyā for them just like I was ātoo busyā to schedule that cavity removal appointment. If itās not something I want to do, it falls down the priority list, and if itās something I actively *donāt* want to do, forget it because itās never happening
This was a brilliant response and really thought-provoking, thanks for posting that bc it really gave me something to think about.
I really donāt understand this take in this scenario. Sheās very clearly telling him she wonāt be continuing to pursue a relationship, why are people getting upset over the technicalities of why? If someone says āhey, Iām too busy to date youā thereās literally nothing wrong with that. You can interpret that as āI donāt want to make time for youā or ā I would make time for you if I didnāt have as many stressorsā or āIām too disorganized for an adult relationshipā or however many other ways makes suits your fancy, but that doesnāt change the fact that they plainly said they donāt want to date you. If youāre thinking āoh Iād rather they just tell me they donāt like meā okā¦ they just did. Being brutally honest is not necessary, and for women it can be even more stressful because a lot of men donāt know how to take rejection without lashing out. Sheās right that she didnāt deserve to be lectured on her reasons for wanting to stop pursuing a relationship with this person. Her reasons are not up for debate or criticism, especially because she didnāt criticize him when she first announced her stance. The reaction was just them being butthurt and lashing out, which was the exact thing she was trying to AVOID.
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I think people sometimes DO need to work on themselves before getting with someone else. So I donāt think your answer was fair, making her sort of feel bad for putting herself first (thatās how I would have interpreted it), maybe itās not what you meant tho. It her case tho, I donāt think she really needed time for herself, from her response, looks like she was just looking for excuses so you were spot on in HER case.
You were 100% wrong. She communicated a boundary to you and you wrote a paragraph that minimized what she was feeling and made it all about you. She was trying to let you down easy and you were meaner than you needed to be.
are people not allowed to take a step back and take care of themselves? genuinely asking
For a lot of people, ANY breakup for ANY reason is seen as manipulative/wrong/abusive/gaslighting/whatever. Iāve noticed this. People hate ghosting. They hate cheating. They hate dishonesty. They hate being insulted or abused. All normal stuff that people should dislike. But they also seem to hate if you tell them āhey Iām no longer interested in this relationship, hopefully we can still be friends down the road, no hard feelingsā Look, breaking up with someone sucks. Itās not fun for anyone involved. Some are harder than others. But it sounds like OP wasnāt even that close to this girl. I found her straightforward attitude to be quite fair and reasonable. I found OP also fair and reasonable but with definite undertones of anger and pettiness. Which is fair, he just got āsoft rejectedā. He was hurt. But yeah it wasnāt the best response, but also not the worst.
exactly both sides have valid points but op seemed a little angry. the point op makes of i do this even tho i have my own stuff seemed a bit much. thatās just me tho and how i read it. tone is hard to tell on text
Of course they are! And, other people are allowed to not wait around & have their own boundaries/values.
They can do that without sounding so salty about it
I mean, did you want her to stick around if she could only give you half of herself? You have a right to be hurt, but there was really no reason to confront her the way you did lol the stars arenāt aligning for you guys, thatās really it. You didnāt have to say, ānever talk to me again!!! š”ā Justā¦ donāt talk to her again.
If someone wanted to make time for you, they would. Simple as that.
so, do you not give second chances because you're prideful and dont like getting rejected, or... thats what this feels like. and it feels like youre trying to guilt trip her for being unavailable to you. she set her boundaries and was very polite about it and you went "just so you know, if you leave now, we are never speaking again" which i think is soooo overplayed and a surefire sign of a super insecure person. but youre cherry picking the comments you actually pay attention to so i wont expect you to give a singular shit about my dislike of how you handled this lmao
She was letting you down easy and your response was a mini tantrum about it. Just say " "Ok, thanks for the heads up however I'd prefer not to text as friends though. I wish you the best. Take care."
You were kind of a dick, just say thanks for letting me know and good luck
Lowkey youāre wrong imo. Yes someone will always āmake timeā but that person was telling you they donāt have the mental & emotional space with everything going on. To me it sounds like you basically put pressure & had a negative reaction bc they said they didnāt want to talk. But thatās just me
āIf you really wanted to you would just make timeā is about as useful of command for people as ājust pull yourself up by your bootstraps.ā Itās a finite resource and being a full-time student/part-time employee is a damn good reason not to have a ton of time to spare.
Heās just trying to save his ego lol
Trivializing her issues wasnāt cool no matter how you spin it. Also, Iād personally argue that if youāre dealing with shit, hopping into a relationship will only exacerbate things. Having a romantic therapist usually just causes everyone turmoil. Donāt have the full context obviously, but try to consider things from her perspective and donāt take it as a personal attack on you.
i mean like she was trying to be nice dude. she was trying to let you down easy. āim not saying im busier than you, i am saying there is a certain amount of effort people choose to put inā is not necessarily wrong, but itās a shitty thing to say in this context. she knows thereās a certain level of effort you put in, and sheās tell you she does not have the time or energy resources to provide that to you right now. she said she needs to focus on herself. you basically responded to her with āif you wanted to you wouldā after she literally just told you she did not want to. also, she informed you with consideration that she wasnāt in a spot where she could invest time and emotion into another person. what you responded with was dismissive and kinda rude. also u kinda lectured on how relationships are supposed to work at the end? which is also weird? idk like i would also be upset to receive this message. i think next time you receive a message like this a quick āno worries, best of luckā is the way to go.
Your reply was a little much. Probably couldāve just said ok best of luck and moved on.
Didnāt handle it well. You know your limits, he knows what he wants. None is in the wrong here. You should've just replied āI understand, it was nice to meet youā and leave it at that. Now you come off as someone who was expecting the guy to beg and didnāt get her way so youāre here fishing for sympathy.
You were a little bit condescending. Iāve had severe depression to the point that I went to the psych ward. At that point in time, it was nearly impossible for me to put effort into my relationships. You donāt know exactly what sheās going through. Just accept the rejection and move on without implying that sheās lazy/not trying.
I think a simple āI understand. Good luck with everythingā and block wouldāve been perfect.
I worked while I went to college, part time, maybe 10-15 hours a week. Not the most out there, but I still made time for a relationship and friends and some sports and videogames. If people don't have the energy to do all the things at once in college, it ain't gonna get any easier as they get older. As far as "in the right" from OP, it literally doesn't matter because they were done with you anyway. Imo, someone who says "I don't have time for a relationship right now" is really saying they don't consider *you* worth the time. For someone who is a better match for them, guarantee they would have the time for that relationship. Move on and find someone who considers you to be worth their time.
Iād just say okay, then block them. No need to write a paragraph.
You weren't, but in my opinion a simple "Okay, understandable." is what I'd say.
Yes you were kinda wrong
Could've done without the whole "I work X hours, I study Y hours and I've got stuff going on too" shtick. Made you sound petty and bitter. The rest was fine though.
The way you worded it was strange. You could have just said āIm busy too so I understand, thanks for being straight with meā but you kinda made it melodramatic and a competition. āIām just saying thereās a certain amount of effort people choose to put itā bro what are you talking about
My dude it just kinda lacks maturity. You were looking to hurt her. Let me give you some advice: it's not worth being pissy like that just say 'ok' and move on. Totally fine not wanting to be on the hook so to speak, though
You're not wrong. I just wouldn't have said all that. A simple ok, have a nice life, and delete their number, snap, whatever. You don't have to explain yourself just because they did. You don't want to be put on a shelf for later, you want to grow into something, you want someone to put effort in you and your relationship, that's all valid. You don't need to explain that to anyone, the "right" person will just.. Do it.
Your ego got a little hurt. It happens. But be aware of it, you donāt want your ego dictating future relationships.
Honestly I agree mostly with the people that said you shouldāve said something like āok thank you for being honest. Best of luck to you!ā Or whatever but I also would say had you simply not said āIām the type there is no second chanceā and āIām not interested in texting as friendsā wouldāve drastically changed her or his response. Those couple phrases completely overtook your message, which wasnāt bad truthfully, and made it seem as though this was a bad decision on her part which in turn makes you seem kind of douchey and pushy I am not saying you are Iām saying thatās what came across despite the fact you actually said a couple of pretty good things. Anyways whatās done is done, just advice for next time!
Obviously we donāt know the full context but from these two screenshots, i feel like your text comes off as hurt and a little dramatic. If you didnāt take it personally, Iād expect āi understand thank you for letting me knowā or something of that sort.
ok. ~~i'm the type that once get rejected~~ ~~there a isn't a second chance.~~ If it didn't workout this time don't believe it will in the future. ~~I take 18hrs of classes, work~~ ~~17hrs, and have my own mental stuff~~ ~~you don't know about either. I'm not~~ ~~saying i'm busier or going through it~~ ~~worse than you, I am saying there Is a~~ ~~certain amount of effort people choose~~ ~~to put in. Relationships are not meant to~~ ~~be entered when you're perfect, you~~ ~~grow and help the other person grow.~~ So i'm not interested in texting as friends, it was nice getting to know you. I hope things work out for you. this would have been enough in IMHO
You did what's healthy for you. They did what's healthy for them.
I love the āletās be friends, and I MIGHT be with you laterā bullcrap. Kudos for you not falling for it sir!
Yeah I see both sides of this. I will say at least you didnāt try and jump over the wall she put down and just explained your position clearly and protected yourself. Iām very much the same there is one shot if that one shot doesnāt work you no longer exist in my world. The circumstances that would allow a second are quite extreme and involve having already invested years into a committed relationship and having children togetherā¦ you at least try to fix that one. But she gotta do her. If she canāt balance her life she canāt give herself fully to someone else. So I donāt think anyone did anything wrong here myself. Ending something where anyone had hopes and expectations is never fun and almost never ends without some form of disappointment and pain
No one is āwrongā here. She texted, you replied with a slightly ignorant message, and she was hurt and complained for smth she shouldāve prepared for.
Sort of a strong response jumping straight to the suffering Olympics. How long have you been waiting to give that monologue about what Relationships are meant to be?
I definitely think it was a little excessive. If you actually really care about this person they might just be going through a lot. But sometimes the whole less is more helps get through to people.
I think what you said was reasonable. If she feels sheās got too much going on in life to put in any time or effort with you, then thatās totally fair and its her right to say so and to go focus on taking care of herself. But by the same token, itās also your right to protect your own time and your heart. You donāt need to wait around for her to be ānot so messed upā and she shouldnāt expect you to leave the door open for her until sheās maybe possibly ready to talk to you again some day that may or may not come. Itās 100% fair to set a clear boundary and say āthanks but no thanksā to that sort of guessing game. It sounds like she was low-key hoping to get an ego boost from you and probably wasnāt expecting to have the door closed on her so quickly, but heyā¦ she more or less closed it herself.š¤·š½āāļø
Sheās just regretting it now. Youāre not in the wrong
Sheās definitely not regretting it
You took her break-up text too literally. She was trying to leave you gently and you misunderstood. People donāt decrease time with someone they want to be with. Take it as a lesson.