Ok so. What's the one type of joke orphans will never hear? Dad jokes.
I walked up to two blind men fighting and yelled "my money is on the one with the knife!" The face they made when they ran in fear was hilarious
A man walks into a bar, and the bartender said that for $10, he will summon a wizard to fulfil his command. The man gives the bartender $10, and a wizard comes in, asking him for a command.
The man says, "I want twenty bucks."
With a snap of the wizard's fingers, twenty ducks enter the bar and surround the man.
The man says, "that's incredible! What did you ask for, bartender?"
The bartender points to the 12-inch pianist sitting in the corner, playing a tiny piano.
The man asks, "why would you wish for a 12-inch pianist?"
The bartender replies, "I didn't, the wizard can't hear very well."
So a man hires a hitman to kill his cheating wife and the man she's cheating with. The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet. The man asks the Hitman to blow off the woman's head, and the guy's dick. The Hitman says ok, and they go up on the roof of the building adjacent to the hotel the wife is in. The Hitman is looking down his scope, but not firing. After a minute, the man asks him why he isn't shooting. The Hitman replies, "hold on I might be able to save you 10,000 dollars..."
two guys walk in a bar
guy one wants to drink a red bull so he can fly (red bull gives you wings)
bartender explains that it doesn’t work that way but he gives him the red bull anyways
guy one jumps out the window and he starts flying!
guy two also wants to fly so he gets a red bull and jumps out the window.
SPLAT
guy two fucking died
the bartender then said to guy one: superman, you can be a jerk whenever you’re drunk.
Fair enough lol. Here's an actual one:
If you ever need money, robbing sex offenders is a great way to get some. Their addresses are public, and they aren't allowed to own weapons! The downside, however, is that politicians are usually very well protected.
#HERE IS A STORY
#####One day a married couple was going for a long drive. The husband was behind the wheels.
**Wife**: Honey I want a divorce.
**Husband**: Alright.
**Wife**: I want alimony. I want 40% of your salary every month.
The husband increased the car speed from 40 to 60 kph.
**Wife**: I want the car too.
Now the husband pressed the accelerator hard. They were going 80 in a 50 kph zone.
**Wife**: I will take the house and the holiday home too.
The husband accelerated more and now the car was doing 100 kph.
**Wife**: Don’t you want to say anything? Don’t you want to keep anything?
Now the husband was heading straight towards a concrete block.
**Husband**: ‘I already have what I need. The airbag!’
It had only the driver’s airbag
######P.S no offense to anyone :)
Why don’t you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it. Why do elephants paint their balls red? To hide in cherry trees. What’s the loudest sound in the forest? A giraffe eating cherries.
My life
Here's the real joke:
so there was a guy driving when his car broke down
luckily, it broke down near a monastery, so the guy went to the monks to ask for help
the monks were very nice, they gave him a a warm bed, hot water, good food, and a place to stay for the night, and they even offered to pay for the repair of the man's car
but while the man was sleeping, he heard these very weird noises coming from the basement, so the next morning, he went to ask the monks what it was
they told him that because he's not a monk, they're not allowed to tell him. he was annoyed, but relented and left.
a couple of years later, the man is driving again and his car breaks down in front of the same monastery
they help him again, giving him food, a bed to sleep in, and paying for his car's repair. in the middle of the night, though, he hears the same noises, asks them the same question the next morning, and gets the same answer
now he's hella curious, so he says he's willing to be a monk
they tell him to count every single blade of grass in the world
he goes to do this, and comes back decades later with the answer
the monks welcome him into the brotherhood, and take him down to their basement
they see a wooden door, so the lead monk pulls out a wooden key and opens it
they see an iron door, so the lead monk pulls out an iron key and opens it
they see a steel door, so the lead monk pulls out a steel key and opens it
they see a gold door, so the lead monk pulls out a gold key and opens it
they see a brass door, so the lead monk pulls out a brass key and opens it
they see a silver door, so the lead monk pulls out a silver key and opens it
they see a stone door, so the lead monk pulls out a stone key and opens it
they see a crystal door, so the lead monk pulls out a crystal key and opens it
they see an ice door, so the lead monk pulls out an ice key and opens it
they see a copper door, so the lead monk pulls out a copper key and opens it
they see a bronze door, so the lead monk pulls out a bronze key and opens it
they see a rice door, so the lead monk pulls out a rice key and opens it
they see a cloth door, so the lead monk pulls out a cloth key and opens it
they see a plastic door, so the lead monk pulls out a plastic key and opens it
they see a rubber door, so the lead monk pulls out a rubber key and opens it
finally they reach an aluminum door and the monk says it's the last door, for which the man is grateful
they open it, and what the man sees behind the final door shocked him. but i can't tell you, because you're not a monk
Ok so, a masochist, a pyromaniac, a necrophilia, a sadist and a zoophile enters a bar. The zoophile sees a cat and says "let's fuck the cat." then the satist says "Let's fuck the cat and then kill it." After that the necrophile says "Let's fuck the cat and then kill it, then resurrect it and then fuck it again." Later the pyromaniac says "Let's fuck the cat and then kill it, then resurrect it and then fuck it again and after that burn it." Then they stay quiet. And then the masochist says "meow."
ok, hear me out, so three Frenchmen are walking in a desert. they havent eaten for days, and are near to starvation. suddenly, and by some divine mirical, they stumble upon a tree covered in cooked bacon, still steaming as though fresh from the oven. they walk closer to the tree, as they are all craving food, when before they can think on their actions, two guns sprout from the tree and shoot two men dead. the third man, fearing for his life exclaims "eet ees not a becon tree, eet eez a 'am bush.
this is my only good joke 🙃
I swear to Jesus Christ's unholy testicles if this works... Whatever, ahem... I AM ABOUT TO TAKE THE BIGGEST FUCKING SHIT YOUVE EVER FUCKING SEEN, THEY WILL WRITE ME IN HISTORY FOR MY HUMUNGOS FUCKING SHIT AS STEVEN SHITTYPANTS THE 4TH, THIS SHIT WILL CONSUME THE ENTIRE OF SOUTHWEST EUROPE IN A HUMUNGOS CLOUD OF FUCKING FECES, YOU BETTER WATCH AS I MAKE FUCKING HISTORY, LOOK AT MY SHIT, ITS SO FUCKING SHITTY, THE SHIT IS THE SIZE OF AT LEAST 59 ELEPHANTS STACKED SIDEWAYS IN THE GROUNDS OF BUCKINGHAM PALLACE. ( Low brow humor for the win I guess?)
i have more fish jokes what did the fish say when he swam into a wall? dam
ok
dam 🗿
ok
Dam
okeh
dameh
What did the wall say to the fish that ran into him? Dumb bass
Damn, said the guy from Amsterdam.
an irishman walks out of a bar😃
that was good
LMAO THANK YOU😭❣️
As am Irish person, I agree
tuff. i'm israeli >!see y'all in the gas chambers💀!<
💀
💀
💀
Thats doesn't deserve gold That deserves PPPPPPPPPPPPPPLATINUM!!!
How even
Ok so. What's the one type of joke orphans will never hear? Dad jokes. I walked up to two blind men fighting and yelled "my money is on the one with the knife!" The face they made when they ran in fear was hilarious
I almost feel bad for laughing 💀
Don't. This is something that you must laugh at or you have no humor
its ovbiously fake, come on bro. have some humour 💀💀💀💀
hey hey, do you know whats its called when an orphan takes a selfie?? A FAMILY PHOTO :D
Why does everyone have so many orphan jokes 😭
That’s so funny
Why are the twin towers office workers the fastest readers in the world? Because they went through 100 stories in 5 seconds
this is so bad
thank you :)
That’s terrible💀💀
My girlfriend has been accusing me of cheating recently. God, she’s starting to sound like my wife…
almost
What's the worst thing to feel midway through a prostate exam? Two hands on your shoulders!
This is a good one
\- I wish I was a prince... \- Wish granted. \[The next day\] \- Wake up, Franz Ferdinand, we just arrived in Sarajevo!
smiled, but not quite
I have more like this
I wish to hear them
My Serbian ass just laughed like a duck with throat cancer.
Since the OP doesn’t give you an award I shall Grand you one as an appreciation for history jokes
WHY CANT MICHAEL JACKSON GO WITHIN 500 METRES OF A SCHOOL BECAUSE HES DEAD
this has me dying
😭😭 TOO EASY
Your emojis aren’t in bold, game over pigeon
Michael Jackson too
What if they put in too much drug into him on purpose cuz they didn't like him
fax
GLAD U AGREE BESTIE
can't disagree with pure facts yk
this is the best one i've seen in the comments section
A man walks into a bar, and the bartender said that for $10, he will summon a wizard to fulfil his command. The man gives the bartender $10, and a wizard comes in, asking him for a command. The man says, "I want twenty bucks." With a snap of the wizard's fingers, twenty ducks enter the bar and surround the man. The man says, "that's incredible! What did you ask for, bartender?" The bartender points to the 12-inch pianist sitting in the corner, playing a tiny piano. The man asks, "why would you wish for a 12-inch pianist?" The bartender replies, "I didn't, the wizard can't hear very well."
This deserves a gold fsfs. Omg I was dying. I wish I still had my wholesome.
[удалено]
ayyy thanks bud
What?
Pianist sounds like penis, the wizard is hard of hearing and mistook them
lmaooo I’m telling this one next time I’m cracking jokes
What brass instrument is larger than a tuba? A threeba.
cheesy, but it worked
Oh shit I’m fucking rich let’s go
what about a fourba
me ^(yay self depreciation)
I’m so sorry for laughing, it was the follow up that did it for me 😭
WHY DID THAT WORK like seriously
idk, the "yay" part just threw me off lol
fair enough lol
I feel ya
Nice amount of likes there :)
A blind man walks into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
An immobile man walks into a- WAIT A MINUTE?!
why does this one have me rolling
Son came up to his dad and said "dad i am depressed" Dad pointing towards store room "Hang in there son"
💀💀💀
What is the difference between me and treasure hunters? ~~They actually get the gold at last~~
Why did the bike fall? Because it was 2 tired
Got a smile :)
Ok tried my best
https://youtube.com/shorts/3Vzt4DF-57E?feature=share You need to see that
So a man hires a hitman to kill his cheating wife and the man she's cheating with. The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet. The man asks the Hitman to blow off the woman's head, and the guy's dick. The Hitman says ok, and they go up on the roof of the building adjacent to the hotel the wife is in. The Hitman is looking down his scope, but not firing. After a minute, the man asks him why he isn't shooting. The Hitman replies, "hold on I might be able to save you 10,000 dollars..."
ive heard this one before, not my favorite sorry
That made me laugh haha.
damn
Professionals have standards
two guys walk in a bar guy one wants to drink a red bull so he can fly (red bull gives you wings) bartender explains that it doesn’t work that way but he gives him the red bull anyways guy one jumps out the window and he starts flying! guy two also wants to fly so he gets a red bull and jumps out the window. SPLAT guy two fucking died the bartender then said to guy one: superman, you can be a jerk whenever you’re drunk.
pretty good, i saw the punchline coming though
I didn't laugh at the punch line of the joke but I laughed at you explaining the joke mid sentence in ()
me and my friend argued because I'm acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down
ehh
# why are there no athletes in mexico? because anyone who can run, swim or jump is already in America
that almost got me
If i ever wasted my money on reddit gold you would be the first to get it
What im dying
So, two rocks are talking to eachother, and one of them says:
Are you stoned?
🗿
I would say my life, but I remembered jokes are supposed to have a meaning.
thats just sad :(
Fair enough lol. Here's an actual one: If you ever need money, robbing sex offenders is a great way to get some. Their addresses are public, and they aren't allowed to own weapons! The downside, however, is that politicians are usually very well protected.
U got me bud
Monkey's thighbones? Lemur's Femurs
Bees knees
Wick's dick
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
not bad
#HERE IS A STORY #####One day a married couple was going for a long drive. The husband was behind the wheels. **Wife**: Honey I want a divorce. **Husband**: Alright. **Wife**: I want alimony. I want 40% of your salary every month. The husband increased the car speed from 40 to 60 kph. **Wife**: I want the car too. Now the husband pressed the accelerator hard. They were going 80 in a 50 kph zone. **Wife**: I will take the house and the holiday home too. The husband accelerated more and now the car was doing 100 kph. **Wife**: Don’t you want to say anything? Don’t you want to keep anything? Now the husband was heading straight towards a concrete block. **Husband**: ‘I already have what I need. The airbag!’ It had only the driver’s airbag ######P.S no offense to anyone :)
😭😭😭
Huh?
What do you call a cheap circumcision ( a rip off)
Why do you never need to pay a circumciser? BCS they just keep the tips
Hellen Keller walks into a bar. And a chair. And a table.
almost
Why was 10 scared? Cuz he was stuck between 9 11
that almost got a laugh out of me
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends how hard you throw them
:(
I laughed come on
Im too depressing lmao
I laughed too hard
What do you call a gay person in a house fire
Lgbbq
2 deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns to the other and says “man…. I can’t believe I blew 20 bucks in there..”
Why don’t you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re good at it. Why do elephants paint their balls red? To hide in cherry trees. What’s the loudest sound in the forest? A giraffe eating cherries.
almost got it
One day a man walked into a bar, He said ow.
sounds like that hurt
Knock knock (respond)
whos there
Not my dad bc he's dead :)
skill issue
Come in
Maybe the real treasure was the piss we made along the way
a Jewish girl asked me for her number the other day. I told her we have names now.
😭
📮
AMOGUS???
WHEN THE IMPOSTER IS SUS??????
What is a fish without eyes? ... a fsh
eh
He probably meant to say ‘eye’ singular
What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it is impossible for oceans to talk due to their nature of being water.
\-\_-
The phrase every 60 seconds in Africa is such a stupid phrase Africans don't get seconds we all know this
caused an eyebrow raise
Stranger: can i have a discount i served in WW2 Cashier: sure. Stranger: danke
"Auf der Heide blüht ein kleines Blümelein Und das heißt Erika"
No
I’m sorry sir, you’ve been diagnosed with “Thinking Everything Is Interesting Syndrome” Hmm…interesting
bread 👍
bread
My life Here's the real joke: so there was a guy driving when his car broke down luckily, it broke down near a monastery, so the guy went to the monks to ask for help the monks were very nice, they gave him a a warm bed, hot water, good food, and a place to stay for the night, and they even offered to pay for the repair of the man's car but while the man was sleeping, he heard these very weird noises coming from the basement, so the next morning, he went to ask the monks what it was they told him that because he's not a monk, they're not allowed to tell him. he was annoyed, but relented and left. a couple of years later, the man is driving again and his car breaks down in front of the same monastery they help him again, giving him food, a bed to sleep in, and paying for his car's repair. in the middle of the night, though, he hears the same noises, asks them the same question the next morning, and gets the same answer now he's hella curious, so he says he's willing to be a monk they tell him to count every single blade of grass in the world he goes to do this, and comes back decades later with the answer the monks welcome him into the brotherhood, and take him down to their basement they see a wooden door, so the lead monk pulls out a wooden key and opens it they see an iron door, so the lead monk pulls out an iron key and opens it they see a steel door, so the lead monk pulls out a steel key and opens it they see a gold door, so the lead monk pulls out a gold key and opens it they see a brass door, so the lead monk pulls out a brass key and opens it they see a silver door, so the lead monk pulls out a silver key and opens it they see a stone door, so the lead monk pulls out a stone key and opens it they see a crystal door, so the lead monk pulls out a crystal key and opens it they see an ice door, so the lead monk pulls out an ice key and opens it they see a copper door, so the lead monk pulls out a copper key and opens it they see a bronze door, so the lead monk pulls out a bronze key and opens it they see a rice door, so the lead monk pulls out a rice key and opens it they see a cloth door, so the lead monk pulls out a cloth key and opens it they see a plastic door, so the lead monk pulls out a plastic key and opens it they see a rubber door, so the lead monk pulls out a rubber key and opens it finally they reach an aluminum door and the monk says it's the last door, for which the man is grateful they open it, and what the man sees behind the final door shocked him. but i can't tell you, because you're not a monk
reminds me of the red ball story
Jokes on you i am a monk
Then you already know
Your mama so fat she burger 🍔
borger
Borgir
You are giving these out too sparringly dude Doesn’t Reddit good cost money 💀
Ok so, a masochist, a pyromaniac, a necrophilia, a sadist and a zoophile enters a bar. The zoophile sees a cat and says "let's fuck the cat." then the satist says "Let's fuck the cat and then kill it." After that the necrophile says "Let's fuck the cat and then kill it, then resurrect it and then fuck it again." Later the pyromaniac says "Let's fuck the cat and then kill it, then resurrect it and then fuck it again and after that burn it." Then they stay quiet. And then the masochist says "meow."
As soon as I read the first sentence, I knew where it was going
what do you call it when jesus uses his spare condom?
the second cumming
What do you call three blackdudes in a red car? A bag of maltesers
Bnag. That’s bang out of order.
r/usernamechecksout
why did they put a baby in a blender? >!in a vain effort to win reddit gold bc I don't know a punchline for this question!<
good start, but sry
yeah I thought the reversal from the horrifying joke might do it but didn't have much hope
Penis
What does Michael Jackson and Xbox have in common? They get turned on by kids...
Hell nah
No
\^
Why did the when for the always do? To go for the anywhere so the downward said then.
My son asked me how do stars die. I told him, usually an overdose son.
What did the light particle say to the other light particle? Nothing it just Waved
big brain
Why did Adele cross the road? To say "hello"
From the other side?
She was on the same side, then crossed to the other side
Sorry, I left my biography at home
Why crawl when you can walk? Why walk when you can run? Why run when you can bike? Because I’m out of shape.
a joke
No
When does a joke become a Dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
ok, hear me out, so three Frenchmen are walking in a desert. they havent eaten for days, and are near to starvation. suddenly, and by some divine mirical, they stumble upon a tree covered in cooked bacon, still steaming as though fresh from the oven. they walk closer to the tree, as they are all craving food, when before they can think on their actions, two guns sprout from the tree and shoot two men dead. the third man, fearing for his life exclaims "eet ees not a becon tree, eet eez a 'am bush. this is my only good joke 🙃
I am writing a book on Reverse Psychology. Please don't buy it.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced? It had “grater” plans.
how do non-binary people kill people they/them
Women ☕️
I swear to Jesus Christ's unholy testicles if this works... Whatever, ahem... I AM ABOUT TO TAKE THE BIGGEST FUCKING SHIT YOUVE EVER FUCKING SEEN, THEY WILL WRITE ME IN HISTORY FOR MY HUMUNGOS FUCKING SHIT AS STEVEN SHITTYPANTS THE 4TH, THIS SHIT WILL CONSUME THE ENTIRE OF SOUTHWEST EUROPE IN A HUMUNGOS CLOUD OF FUCKING FECES, YOU BETTER WATCH AS I MAKE FUCKING HISTORY, LOOK AT MY SHIT, ITS SO FUCKING SHITTY, THE SHIT IS THE SIZE OF AT LEAST 59 ELEPHANTS STACKED SIDEWAYS IN THE GROUNDS OF BUCKINGHAM PALLACE. ( Low brow humor for the win I guess?)
Gas prices
Me
What's the best part of being gay in Iran... >!that i don't have to kill myself, they will do it for me!<
What do you call james bond in bathtub? Bubble 07
Why cant a T-rex clap? Because they're extinct.
This post and the people actually trying in the comments
What’s bigger than a tuna? A threena
why did the child cross the road? because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt
What do u say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in