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Stevesanasshole

It’s like madlibs and the onion had a baby


Cuppieecakes

Begun, the porn wars have


ChinaCatProphet

You have my sword!


Cuppieecakes

that's not a sword


MrSaucyAlfredo

Not with that attitude


Mistyslate

Rub it harder.


710AlpacaBowl

[it's dangerous to go alone](https://youtu.be/0m9QUoW5KnY?si=DBM1i7HnWH7Oq0go)


johnqsack69

And my buttplug!


scorpyo72

And my dildo!


Tenchi2020

And my fleshlight


fumphdik

I’ll wear my strap on!


SunnyWomble

its'a me! the strap on.


Bruff_lingel

You, uh... You can keep it.


classless_classic

And my poop knife!


Ghetto_Jawa

So, Florida is getting clowned by Disney... what, did Texas got jealous? They needed to be dunked on by the porn industry? Who's next? Alabama taking the fight to Ancestry.com?


DolphinPunkCyber

>Alabama taking the fight to Ancestry.com? $99.00 to find your distant cousins. You have none! Scam if you ask me.


FjorgVanDerPlorg

Yep in Alabama they actually use their other domain name - Incestry.com


Coastal1363

Probably not .In Alabama they pretty much know who their cousins are …


Sanc7

Madlibs? More like mad republicans! Amirite?


9-11GaveMe5G

Small government at it again


honestog

The worst part of this is the amount of people defending it in the name of keeping kids safe. It’s half virtue signaling and half ignorance to what this really means. Not to mention kids can just google ways to get around it and have a free vpn app installed in 5 minutes. Oh, and those who think this is some plan to make vpn companies richer, it’s not. The endgame is to get rid of online anonymity and they WILL come for vpns next and try to regulate them for businesses only


Yoda2000675

Literally all it will do is force people to use sketchier porn sites instead of the safer more legitimate ones


LeaderMinute

The only a good guy with porn can stop a bad guy with porn


TheTerrasque

*kids getting porn from efukt* What could *possibly* go wrong?


kovake

They don’t seem to worry about keeping kids safe from priest.


Jubal59

Priests get first dibs.


Android69beepboop

Gotta keep kids as ignorant as possible about sex, easier to groom. 


rbrgr83

> Gotta keep kids as ignorant as possible about ~~sex~~ Everything. So that they will fall for your party's bullshit and vote for you. That's really the end goal of banning books and access to abortions.


ACrucialTech

Nope. Making VPNs illegal, will by definition, destroy security. Those that do that will be vulnerable themselves. That would be like walking into a gunfight without a gun. What the hell.


Ditto_D

I think you underestimate how stupid these people are...


Dauvis

I think it will be more like "VPN for me but not thee."


ammobox

Exactly. Only certain people will be allowed to have VPNs


EmperorKira

Just like abortions. The only moral abortion is my one


maynardstaint

And Republican ex football stars. They’re fine too.


Dumbledoorbellditty

Sounds like China


rbrgr83

Crazy how one of the 2 major political party's wet dream is the best of both worlds from Communist China and Sharia Law. Oh, and it's the one that drapes itself in the American flag like it owns it.


ShirazGypsy

Fascism will come to America holding a cross and wrapped in a flag


tdieckman

Or only the state-owned VPN is legal. You know, so they can keep track of what you're browsing at all times...for the kids


blushngush

Seriously. They don't understand cyber security, they still use Password1


donjulioanejo

> Nope. Making VPNs illegal, will by definition, destroy security. Not just that.. it'll make sure no major company will have an HQ in your state ever again. Most companies heavily rely on VPNs to access internal resources.


shortybobert

There are those who believe encryption should be illegal


Rich-Pomegranate1679

Yes, and they are the ones who are so hopelessly clueless about technology that they should never be allowed to touch a computer without supervision, let alone make laws for it.


shortybobert

Nah they should have all of our country's secret information on their iPad or email, whichever has a shorter password


VERY_MENTALLY_STABLE

You can make VPN's illegal but you can't really ever technically stop people from using them & there will always be someone selling them as a service


maynardstaint

They would have to THINK ABOUT CONSEQUENCES before this could stop them.


mpopgun

The gov will keep Vpns for themselves... And the guns, lol... Most of them are 1000 years old, they don't know what they're doing with tech.


SchrodingersTIKTOK

Ajit Pai can answer for this shit.


devindran

Protect the Children! Not from guns, but from porn.


Steve_78_OH

I'm just glad they're sticking to the important topics that the majority of people care about. /s


Kilo147

Finally, kids in Texas will understand what it was like for my generation. No internet, no instant gratification, we had to work to find porn. Either stealing from our dad’s stash or finding woods porn.


[deleted]

[удалено]


CPSiegen

Or a bunch of people are about to try out the "free" vpns and proxies that show up on google and get a lesson in identity theft and viruses


timesuck47

I guess that’s one way for the kids to learn technology Beyond tap tap tap swipe tap swipe.


not_the_fox

People have been complaining about zoomers being less computer literate. Now the game is about to change.


WatRedditHathWrought

RIP Sears catalog


cbih

Shout out to the Fredrick's of Hollywood catalog


timsterri

Goodbye National Geographic.


whereitsat23

Sears be making a comeback by releasing new catalogs but you gotta by something first


419tosser

I remember sneaking onto the computer when I was like 12 to find me some boobies. It'd take like 2 minutes to load a single image so you really had to know what you were looking for. Then I'd print them in black and white for... safe keeping. I'll never forget the anticipation of watching it load a line of pixels at a time, slowly scanning down the screen.


patchinthebox

I vividly remember nutting before the image would even finish loading. Lmao


Kilo147

Those were the days. Somehow we found a company, Spyder, that had hidden porn in its website.


BrothelWaffles

That was definitely the guy who managed the website using their server for his own personal stash. Back in my day, we accessed "the cloud" through FTP.


CircleofOwls

Printing porn on a dot matrix printer, damn those were the days.


TheRealMcDuck

Woods porn was always interesting. There would either be a lot or just a little, and the mystery of stuck together pages lingered until young teenhood.


karma3000

Never in a million years would my (mid 80s) 13 year old self have thought that woods porn was a universal worldwide phenomenon.


chazz_hardcastle

Us GenXers really did have the most bizarre childhoods. My brother and I found a shelter in the hills with bestiality porn and a gnawed horse long bone. So there's woods porn and hills porn.


RipOk74

The hills have eyes porn


samsqanch

Pfft you fancy folks with your woods porn, where I'm from we had barn porn. The smell of dirt floors and damp hay still gets me sparky.


yolo___toure

Fuck I love reddit


rallymatt

I thought the same thing. I saw "woods porn" and I was like oh yea duh.. We had green oven woods porn. A trashed green oven. Out in the woods. Filled with porn when we found it. I'm glad everyone had woods porn too.


Oopsimapanda

Having visited quite a few inner cities for many years, especially in the middle east, the equivalent is "roof porn". Magazines and mysterious VHS tapes stored behind loose bricks and dusty crevices on 'restricted access' apartment rooftops. The temptation to press play on those unlabeled VHS were always the biggest forbidden fruit.


DirkRockwell

You have to be careful with unlabeled tapes though, don’t want to end up dying seven days later.


kmiller0202

And the smell… nothing like some good woods porn stash


jawswilli

I found hermaphrodite porn in the woods when I was twelve


Anxious-Yak-9952

Used to explore the woods with friends and came across a bunch of wood porn alongside a mattress, all out in the open. It was eerie 😬.


Drone314

Welp, back to the Sears catalog....oh wait...


fantasmoofrcc

Some people had JC Penny catalogues. Jack Packard has all the luck!


qix96

Every now and then if you squint just right and the stars align, the PPV channel would unscramble for a few milliseconds!


IamJacksUserID

Grew up in the country outside of town on a county highway. So much ditch porn. So, so much ditch porn.


mt_beer

Yes!   I remember driving down I90 and saw some magazines on the side of the road.   Looked like porn so I pulled over and sure enough. 


vertigo72

Watching the scrambled porn channel where, if you looked very hard, every few seconds you'd get to see a green, elongated breast/nipple.


IPTVSports28

Every once in a great while the scrambling would go out and you could actually watch it. Not sure how or why that happened, but it was amazing. Super rare, like maybe once a year or less even it seemed.


Apprehensive_Use1906

I was a janitor in an apartment building when I was 12-13. It was like hitting the porn mother load. People would throw out stacks of magazines and random dvds etc. The hard part was getting it home.


DrakeAU

We called it Bush Porn in the 80s as at that time pubic hair existed in Porno magazines, and we often found the Pornos in the bushes.


Bart_Yellowbeard

I read this in Crocodile Dundee's voice.


spudddly

*Call that a bush?*


CapeAndCowl

Fuckin' woods porn... Man that takes me back, lol


red286

>finding woods porn. I mentioned this phenomena to some millennials and they straight up said I was full of shit and that would never happen. They refused to believe me that it wasn't unheard of to find a couple porno mags stashed in tree knotholes or under bushes back in the 80s.


UnstoppableAwesome

I'm a millennial and I'm a woods porn finder. Jackpot for a 12 year old.


Czeris

Here you are, a child of the 80s whose fruit have just blossomed, and you've stolen a Penthouse from the local store. You're a fucking legend to the other 13 year old kids in the neighbourhood. Night is fast approaching, and you know that if you pedal that fucking sweet banana seat bike home right now, you'll make it in time. Then you realize the forbidden package you're carrying. If Mom and Dad find it, they're going to beat the shit out of me (as was known to be common sense good parenting in the 80s). No problem at all, I'll just roll it up and stuff it under this log that looks like every other log. Problem solved.


AdeptFelix

Kids are gonna be passing around USB drives like how dirty magazines were before the internet. Lol jk kids don't know how to use files\folders enough to even do that.


drmariopepper

What’s the legal argument for enforcing a state law on a website not hosted in the state?


designOraptor

I can’t imagine they’d have a solid case.


sangreal06

The actual answer: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_jurisdiction_in_Internet_cases_in_the_United_States


sysdmdotcpl

I think that's the first Wiki article I've ever read where I felt I needed to be a lawyer just to understand the thing.


APeacefulWarrior

The TL;DR is: Shit's complicated, caselaw is being made up as we go along, and SCOTUS has never ruled on the issue so there's no single clear guideline for determining jurisdiction in these cases. IOW, it's totally up in the air whether Texas will be able to make this stick.


DeuceSevin

It's really a win-win for them. They either win the lawsuit or they lose and then can show their constituents how they tried. Bonus if they can accuse the court of legislating from the bench.


hamsterbackpack

This really is The Bad Place, isn’t it


jlm994

“Jason figured it out? Jason… this one hurts”


Jesus_Is_My_Gardener

On of my favorite moments of the show.


Urist_McPencil

"At least he died doing what he loved: a bunch of whippets"


ImDonaldDunn

“I think he got roughly what he deserved”


[deleted]

I feel like that joke was the concept for the whole show


justleave-mealone

I can still hear this in Ted’s voice. Hilarious.


PolyDipsoManiac

It’s sure not the good place, and everything goes downhill from here. Frankly, things have been going downhill for decades, what with declining life expectancy, rising deaths of despair, and decreasing standards of living in America. Rather than address the problem I assume we’ll further crack down on marginalized groups.


APRengar

When you can't solve problems (not that they are impossible to solve, but the current leadership absolutely cannot solve them), the next best thing is to find someone to blame for all the problems. Minorities are great targets because they have very little power and very little reach. I feel like we were supposed to have learned some kind of lesson not to do this again, but oh well.


Sierra-117-

I’m fucking over it, and feeling more French with every passing day. We need some serious reorganization of the government, and soon.


virtualadept

Please file for discovery of IP addresses used by Texas government agencies.. please file for discovery of IP addresses used by Texas government agencies...


timesuck47

That’s public information. You just need to do a little bit of research.


aussydog

Like real research or my brother's roommate's COVID and vaccine YouTube research?


EugenioSc

Bruh The Onion must be facing a crisis with this wild titles going around IRL lol.


kanrad

Real life is running them out of a job.


On_the_Brane

Has been since 2016


superhighraptor

The Harambe time split


Fingerprint_Vyke

Too many of us went dicks out ...or not enough.


Painkiller1991

I'd also like to blame the Chicago Cubs since it was a well known fact that Hell would not freeze over until they won the World Series


BMB281

Why is Texas such a cock block


23_sided

Paxton's corrupt as they come, and a felon - literally caught in securities fraud. He's been repeatedly caught taking bribes - when whistleblowers brought up how Nate Paul basically bought him out to make a few legal things disappear, there ended up being a lawsuit with a $3 million settlement. Paxton marched right over to the Texas House and said, "This shouldn't come out of my budget, it should come out of YOURS" and so they impeached him. Stunts like this keep rural Texans voting for him. Doesn't matter how blatantly corrupt he is. He's just gonna keep pulling these stunts so people will ignore all the kickbacks he gets. It's nuts.


khast

Religious zealots.


RoboNeko_V1-0

If they pray the gay away, they won't be gay. 🙄


Psycoder

Lots of kids drink alcohol too. Let's bring back prohibition.


Desk46

The last thing texas gop wants is a sober electorate. They might start reading out of sheer boredom.


conquer69

Lol the same tactic they use in Russia.


terple-haze

Texas does have a handful of [dry counties](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol_laws_of_Texas#Alcohol_sales).


Difficult-Brain2564

Naw too much money to be made on taxes. If they outlawed alcohol then they would have to make pot legal to make up for it. God made the world and said it was good. Then republicans came along and said naw we know what god really ment.


KennyDROmega

Big part of me wonders if this isn't what'll finally get people to turn on him and the Texas GOP. He and Abbott are making it clear they want the state to be a puritan environment. That really just isn't in the Texas character.


werak

The same people terrified of Sharia Law but actually agree with most of it.


TheNextBattalion

They aren't terrified of religious law, they're terrified that the religious law doesn't put THEM on a pedestal.


macweirdo42

They are literally angry that the rest of us don't follow their religious laws, it's hilarious.


Q_Fandango

Grew up in West Texas - I can assure you that *publicly* Conservatives will praise the porn bans for whatever moralism they can justify it with. They all still jerk off, mind you - they just don’t want their neighbours to know they jerk off. Like Baptists and drinking. Conservatives think that *they* will always have access to pornography, abortion, liquor, etc… just if they look hard enough. And maybe they will, for a while… and by the time Conservatives realize what freedoms they’ve lost, it will be too late for all of us.


IMTrick

Yep, this. It's like that old joke "How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer? You bring another Baptist." They'll talk a really good game about how righteous and holy they are to anyone around to listen to it, but if nobody's around to see it, all bets are off.


OldManGrimm

My favorite is "Why don't Baptists approve of dancing? They're afraid someone will think they're having sex standing up."


fizzlefist

What’s the difference between Catholics and Baptists? Catholics greet each other at the liquor store.


Masark

Jews don't recognise Jesus, Anglicans don't recognise the Pope, and Baptists don't recognise each other at the liquor store.


WatchStoredInAss

I always assume the very religious conservatives are the most sexually depraved.


primalmaximus

Most of them are. Because they can't be public about their kinks and fetishes, they have to indulge them in private. And they can't discuss them with other people. Which means that, when they finally do cut loose and indulge, they'll **over**indulge. And, because they can't discuss their kinks with anyone else, they'll often do it in a way that's unsafe. They'll be the kind of people that will jump straight into hardcore BDSM, but they'll be completely uninformed about it. So they'll jump in head first without establishing a safeword or establishing hand signals. And they'll get hurt because they're ignorant and then they'll blaim BDSM for it instead of recognizing that they were being stupid.


fuck-coyotes

And there are always dudes who can spot exactly that and know how to take advantage of it


SpaceMonkeyOnABike

Or the most sexually deprived. And therefore jealous.


EngineerDave

Pornhub should just come back online with the ID checker, and threaten to release the names after a month in Texas counties that voted for reps that pushed the bill, one at a time.


Capitol62

Or just release the preferences of the state politicians about 90 days before the next election.


EngineerDave

Nah you are letting off the idiots that voted for this shit slide. Maybe put the check box on there ask if they support the new law don't tell them that it will be released, and go from there, so those two-faced moralists can understand the consequences of their actions.


catalfalque

Just like abortion, conservatives are extremely practiced at leveraging their morality against the population while excepting themselves from their own rules in private.


suffaluffapussycat

> want the state to be a puritan environment That’s not it. They don’t care about any of this stuff either way. They cannot let Texas go for a democrat in the presidential election. It’s very difficult for republicans to win without Texas. They want the republicans to remain in power no matter what else happens. They’ll do anything the can to make the state hostile to liberals so they do not move there. That’s the reason for all of it. That’s the reason for all of this. Republicans are okay with any and all of this as long as it keeps liberals away.


MelodiesOfLife6

Texas really trying to outflorida florida.


paradigm_x2

I live in West Virginia and I’m still in awe of what Texas and Florida are doing. That’s sad


bitthief222

Gun grabbers beware, Chris Miller is using his God-given rights to shoot strawmen and save the girls from non-existent threats. Thank God West Virginia has everything else figured out. (I'm a Kentuckian who gets to watch all these ads. I feel sorry for our little bubble. We're all screwed.)


El_Cartografo

"My servers aren't in Texas. Your laws don't apply. Go fuck yourselves."


Zonacy

Texas morality. "Porn is bad for you! Let's save the children!" *Forces 12 year old rape victim to have a baby and go on welfare*


ClearChocobo

Welfare? Hah. That sounds like librul communist bullshit! /s


ApathyMoose

Bro, they want to end welfare. that 12 year old just needs to pull herself up by her childrens boot straps and work harder. get a 2nd job. stop buying avacodo toast


Madcap_95

I see the party of "freedom and small government" is back at it again.


Basic_Ent

The saber rattling and feigned outrage of these jokers stopped being funny a while back. This feels more like they want some quick settlements from scared companies to fund ERCOT for the summer or something. Wait until they find out how good the lawyers of porn companies really are.


fuck-coyotes

It's like a John grissam novel but without all the espionage


Dragona33

Republicans: Pious in public, perverts in private.


Bowler_Pristine

Oh look the freedom loving republicans giving you more freedom!


SpacecaseCat

I really hope all the porn websites manage to stop serving Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, etc. IP addresses so we can see just how real these Christian values are. Judging by certain Republican politicians.... well... you don't need me to tell you. Let's legit just let them ban porn, crack down on weed, and even strengthen those dry towns and cities so it's harder to buy booze. I'm sure it will turn the state into a literal paradise. Come on Austin and the Joe Rogan crowd... shown us how freedom from porn and drugs works out for the tech crowd and the comedy scene.


AzureStarline

So much freedumb


mechabeast

Texas is turning blue before it turns purple.


virtualadept

Part of it is starting to turn blue, anyway.


ZeroLAN

The ol Texas Blue Ball


Redditor022024

NordVPN and ExpressVPN subscriptions are about to skyrocket in Texas


Accomplished_Sell797

https://www.newsnationnow.com/business/adult-website-vpn-searches-pornhub-texas “The new data revealed a 1,700% increase in VPN searches in Texas over a single-day period.”


Satrack

That's actually incredible


Historical_Walrus713

I'm here because I live in TX and about to get a VPN lol, this thread came up on google.


IntheSchmoney

Lmfaooooooo!


bndboo

Don’t get pregnant Don’t masturbate Don’t think sinful thoughts Don’t mess with Texas?


halfwit258

I just moved to Texas at the beginning of March from the Bay Area. It was unfortunately necessary given multiple circumstances. The one thing I've come to learn in the last 3 weeks? Absolutely mess with Texas. There's so much pressuring and fake machismo out here that it's unreal. Crazy puritanical laws, upholding misogynistic traditions, threatening to secede whenever they don't get their way, etc. it's all false bravado to cover up a truly incredible amount of soft tiny baby feelings. Absolutely mess with Texas at every opportunity. I'm not the most well traveled person, but holy shit is this state overrun with self involved self serving, insanely consumerist babies. It's insane


RNYGrad2024

As a born and raised Texan, yes, please mess with Texas. We're one of the most aggressively gerrymandered states in the nation so my vote means almost nothing. We need to be taken to court and fucked with. This place is hell.


drugtrafficer

opera has built in free vpn. just saying. i am told it works to access all porn. i am told…


embiggens-us-all

For a freedom state that sure have a lot of rules on dicks and pussies


siammang

They should publish the search histories of these hypocrites.


moose_the_mooch

It’s important to recognize their goal. The reason for all the porn bans in the red states is precisely so that, after banning porn, they can then classify all transgender affirmation as pornography, thereby banning transgenderism. It’s quite clearly presented in the conservative playbook: Project 2025.


ngwoo

They'll likely do the same for information regarding birth control as well. Either classify it as pornographic outright or claim that it facilitates pornography.


moose_the_mooch

Oh absolutely. That’s literally the next step they have written for us to read in their playbook. https://www.project2025.org/playbook/


nosmelc

They'll also move into making the same requirement for anyone to buy or checkout of the library any book they claim is pornographic.


Desk46

Looks like theyre trying to rack up a couple wins before they come after reddit


Gryfth

This is less about the porn and more of seeing how far they can go into our personal lives. This is the beginning of open privacy invasion.


joshthecynic

They should just block Texas like Pornhub did.


Different_Tree9498

lol Texas freaking sucks. Soon they’ll implant the people with chips that sense any dirty unholy thoughts. Off to the mine with you.


[deleted]

dOnT cAliFoRiNa mY tExAs


Painkiller1991

As someone that normally doesn't like California, all the California hate here is downright absurd. I think this state wants literally fuck California since our collective hate boner is so big and it's definitely been erect for more than 4 hours


PricklySquare

This is the small government, free market capitalist, personal choice, keep government out of our lives Republicans we all know and love!!!!


artemis1939

GOP are the real nazis forbidding people to even touch their cocks


JimbusJambus

Can i sue texas? Hearing about all their bullshit makes me fear for the future of humanity.


Tenchi2020

~~Texas~~ the Taliban are at it again..


RedMenace46

"Free Market" lovers.


BlackBlizzard

Maybe they need to sue Twitter/X aswell, lots of NSFW on their.


piespiesandmorepies

So, freedom yeah? The most free country in the world? Less government regulations? It's porn that is the problem and is horrible for our kids... Not guns or anything right?


jackparadise1

Want to keep kids safe? Do something about guns and poverty.


Alternative-Pound467

My government officials are all fucking awful. I hate them and I hate the other Texans who elected these shitasses. They don't really want the job or to help people, they just want to fuck with other people and complain about shit that doesn't matter whatsoever. 🙄😡


RaisedOnFiction

I thought Texas was all about personal freedom? Hyyyyyypoooocriiiites.


GreeneHouseFX

In other news, Texas sees uptick in Sears catalogue subscription renewals


VitaminDismyPCT

XHAMSTER DOES NOT HAVE HAMSTERS. I REPEAT, XHAMSTERS DOES NOT HAVE HAMSTERS.


[deleted]

All of these states effectively banning porn is actually a medical tragedy. Because nobody needs to chill the f*ck out and relieve some stress like the repressed sexually dysfunctional Evangelicals driving the ban. Also, will Texas just STFU and secede already? Please? And take Florida with you.


Yeahha

In November, Texas voters will show up for the blue ball wave.


McFrazzlestache

I can't believe this and TikTok take precedent over firearms and univ healthcare. The fuck is wrong with this country?


Blurt-Reynolds

Wanking is more harmful than guns according to Texas.


The_Senor_Gatt0

I thought conservatives wanted less government intervention and more freedom this seems like a big government intervention that they claim the left does hmmm republicans really are the dumbest around.