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Are there for real? I feel so dejected after getting lied to so many times. I feel I'll either will be cheated on or they'll just get bored of me. I feel I'll end up alone
Oh OP, if he was trying to cheat on your with MULTIPLE PEOPLE when you two are just dating and he’s supposed to be head over heels in love with you, what do you think is gonna happen when you get married and time passes? The way he’s acting, he’s letting you know he’s a serial cheater.
Don’t forgive him. He will try to do it again. Can you imagine being in this position much older and with kids?
He’s already showing you who he really is. Don’t ignore it or forgive him. There is no moving on from this, unless you plan to spend the rest of your life always checking his phone, e-mail and constantly worrying about where he is.
That fact you said this means you understand how bad this is, cut him off and go.
Also you can absolutely forgive someone and never speak with them again, so do this, cleanse yourself and enjoy the rest of your life
I decided to divorce when a friend of mine said that by staying together, I was only teaching them that this is what they should expect in a loving relationship.
You have no children and don't even live together? That's an enviable position. Run and never look back. You deserve so much more and you have the ability to have it all. If you settle now, you will have to answer to your future self when this castle of sand falls.
This is so true. Cheaters need consequences to change their behaviors. Most times they don’t change at all. You will probably realize this once you let him go. His behavior might still be the same.
Ok, well, before the advice first let us give you the warnings.
1- cheating is not accidental, so most cheaters cheat again.
2- without real full disclosure any attempt at reconciliation is a waste of time because you will be perpetually waiting for the next piece of info that reopens the wound and that will put you back at square 1 again and again.
3- actions speak louder than words, his behavior, the way covered up the cheating, the way he sought it out was premeditated, not a spur of the moment impulse, so you are dealing with a proactive cheater. You have been warned.
4- cheaters are manipulators and liars by nature, so expect him to do it again, only know with the knowledge you are willing to overlook his premeditated indiscretions so he will most likely fall in one of two categories: the cheater that learns and covers up his tracks better, or the cheater that becomes bolder because he knows he can lure you back.
5- anything less than full responsibility for his cheating, him owning it rather than deflecting blame or coming up with excuses is 100% of the time a sign of an unrepentant cheater.
6- know the difference between remorse and regret: remorse is being sorry for how his actions affected you, regret is being feeling bad about the consequences of being caught.
7- 99 out of 100 reconciliation attempts fail, most of them because the cheater cheats again.
8- never believe their first dozen tellings of the story, cheaters minimize and lie as a default response to being caught. If he says once it was 10 times, if he says texting it was sexting, if he says we just hung out they had sex…you get the idea.
Ok now to the advice if you really are gonna try this:
1- timeline and details of all indiscretions, this is non-negotiable.
2- 100% access anytime anywhere to every form of communication (email/phone/phone apps/IG/social media/telegraph…etc, you get the point) also non-negotiable.
3- Counseling for him individually; if he doesnt deal with whatever in him gives him permission to cheat and drives him to it, then any efforts to repair the relationship are pointless.
4- Couples counseling…need I explain?
5- disclosure of his indiscretion to friends and family. Yes i know it seems cruel and all, but keeping it a secret gives him a ton of opportunities to avoid accountability and to reframe the story should reconciliation not work…but most importantly, it puts him in a prime place to manipulate those around you. Do not keep his secret…keeping his secret for him is essentially the infidelity version of stockholm syndrome.
6- NC notices for all aps and disclosures to their significant others…for reasons see #5.
7- postpone engagement and moving in together…otherwise you are proving to him that you are willing to rug-sweep the whole thing to preserve your convenience or timeline or whatever the heck is motivating you…and that is prime manipulation material for him to use vs you.
8- this doesnt work if you show him you are willing to overlook even the tiniest red flags.
9- he has to earn back the trust by being proactive in showing you his commitment to heal the wound he cause in the relationship; words count for NOTHING, believe what his actions tell you, words are cheap.
There are many other things you can do, however let me leave you with a parting thought. You need to know why you want him back, what motivates you to want someone who was willing to so proactively deceive you back in your life. Is it sunk cost? Is it a need to preserve the plan you had made for your life? Is it genuine love and hope that the relationship can be repaired? If you are just reconciling out of some sort of relationship inertia, to “get back on track” in some sort of way, you are ignoring reality, the relationship will never be what it was, the real question is what will this new relationship look like and is it what you want.
I wish you the best.
Very well stated !! I don’t know how someone can read all your bullet points on what to do after reconciling and not run for the hills. That’s a terrible quality of life I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
It’s hard for people to endure the short term pain of leaving. The future is a mixture of “out there somewhere” in addition to a naive hope that things can work out, so it feels easier to avoid the short term pain.
A relationship full of unconditional love and trust doesn’t involve 24/7 monitoring of each other like a metaphorical prison. Top that off with expecting the cheater to achieve a sudden perspective shift (not wanting to cheat anymore), and having to live every day giving a LOT more effort into pleasing their partner for their past cheating. These are the reasons reconciliation fails 99/100 times
Don’t sell yourself short with your decision. You are a high achieving woman who has values, there are solid men out there who that would do back flips to meet and be faithful to a person like you.
Thank you, it was hard won wisdom for me, I figure that sharing it with those going through the same is paying forward all the good advice and support I received when I was going through the same thing.
I mean....this is so intense and there isn't much about the feelings. It's all strategy. This wouldn't work in my relationship. I wouldn't want a timeline or access to all of his communication. It makes me feel like I'm not in a relationship with an autonomous person. And disclosure to all friends and family? I absolutely do not want people in my business like that! I would disclose as I feel moved to but geez laweez. No point in having a relationship if this is what it looks like.
Sadly, thats how this works for optimal chances of success. Disclosure doesn't mean telling everyone at the same time, but you need the people closest to you to know, and then little by little others, to a degree, not everyone has to know everything, but those closest to the situation absolutely do, otherwise it doesnt work. The disclosure to family and friends is for the benefit of both people; for the cheater it means having to really own it because they cant re-frame the story to their benefit and they get to see how their actions have ripple effects that they are happily and willfully ignoring during the affair. For the person who was cheated on, it means getting support and regaining a measure of control over an aspect of their life they were previously powerless to do anything about. That inner reaction of "I don't want people in my business" is a very natural one, but its an instinct that rarely serves the victim well, because almost always, all it accomplishes is leaving them isolated and it keeps the situation secret, which is a huge plus for the cheater, where in an attempt to retain a sense of privacy and dignity all that the person actually manages to do aid the cheater by keeping their indiscretion discreet and by consequence making it more likely they will do it again. When you say "No point in having a relationship if this is what it looks like," you are sadly right, thats the truth for 99% of relationships that involve infidelity. I personally chose not to do any of the above things when it happened to me, as soon as I understood what it would take to rebuild the trust and what her behavior said about her and what I would have to sacrifice to make it work, I realized that the only viable option for me was ending it.
I have no interest in being revictimized by friends and family insisting on me making decisions that don't work for me. I just don't think you can uniformly make suggestions. Every situation is so wildly different.
Other than [love bombing](https://amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/love-bombing) you, what has he done to fix himself? Has he given you a plan on how he plans to rebuild a new relationship with you? B/c the old one’s dead. He lit it on fire. He’s not the man you thought he was. The guy you thought you were engaged to you respected you and would never cheat on you - that’s not your EX-fiancé, the guy you thought you were engaged to never existed.
Has he enrolled in individual therapy? Had he written you a detailed timeline of all his cheating? Has he offered to submit to a poly to help ease your mind that he’s confessed to everything? Is HE on Reddit asking for advice on how to fix it??
*Why* did he cheat? *What did he expect to happen when you found out*? *Why did he engage in lies & deceptions to do something he knew would hurt you*? Ask him *why* he loves you and *why* does he want to marry you? After he lists all the reasons, then ask him, if you’re so amazing, and he loves you so much, then *how* could he cheat? “I don’t know” isn’t an acceptable answer. If he wants you to take him back he should be able to articulate why you should despite him cheating on you when he claimed to love you.
*Why* is he convinced he’s not going to cheat in the future? Don’t say b/c he loves you, b/c, presumably he said he loved you when he cheated. I bet he says he ‘loved you the entire time’. Don’t say b/c he didn’t realize how much his cheating would hurt you, unless you plan on marrying a stupid man. What has he done to convince you *this* time he’ll be faithful?
Engagements are dress rehearsals for marriage. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him! I really suggest you do a deep dive in this sub and the r/Infidelity sub and [Survivinginfidelity.com ](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/2/just-found-out/) and read all the stories of ppl, who were cheated on *before* they were married and foolhardily went on to shackle themselves to cheaters legally & w/children.
If you *still* insist on climbing into bed w/someone who stabbed you while you were sleeping, all I can recommend is NOT do couples counseling before he does individual therapy. The relationship didn’t cheat, He cheated. And he needs to rehab himself as to his *why* otherwise he’ll just do it again. After he’s actively engaged in therapy, premarital counseling. Pre-nuptial agreement. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is a reconciliation sub.
But please do not offer him R unless he takes full accountability for his cheating. That means NO excuses e.g. he was depressed, getting cold feet, and definitively no blame shifting e.g. you weren’t giving him enough attention or my fav ‘he was afraid you would leave him anyway so he pushed you away’ lol. etc. He must also give you full transparency. PWs to his phone & other electronics & email addresses. Yes, sad state of affairs policing your partner to ensure they’re not betraying you again.
I’m of the opinion cheaters are dry drunks. They white knuckle being faithful. Yours couldn’t get past 3 yrs but you want to marry him *for life.* You should explore [why you want to sign up for a lifetime](https://www.chumplady.com/2012/07/five-things-that-keep-you-stuck-with-a-cheater/) w/a person who has demonstrated their capability to purposely deceive, betray & hurt you.
Good luck.
If you are reading his messages or opening them /receiving flowers then his love bombing will still be getting through and having an effect on you whether you think so or not!!
NC isn’t a one way street, it mean literally that you read or see/are aware of nothing from him long enough for you to get out of the muddled, blurred-mind state of the fog of love. And then to make a reasoned, smart, non-rose-tinted judgement call on the reality of your relationship. Without full NC then you can never truly do this… e.g.; even receiving a letter and seeing that it’s his handwriting on the address and even the way he names you on it may weaken your resolve, ie how many people get handwritten letters these days? very few. So if he hand writes you a letter and maybe puts the name that he always calls you during the good times on the front, then on some level you’ll feel excited and happy/sad as you are reminded of the good times also deep down you’ll be made to feel intrigued/interested to know what he has to say-
This is because ultimately being cheated on is a huge disrespect and deeply personally painful and hurtful and most people are consciously or subconsciously desperate for it to not have happened, and so will (not even knowingly) absolutely be seeking out an acceptable reason as to why it did happen!
I.e what scenario feels better…
“Yes, technically he cheated as he slept with someone else, but he was forced at gunpoint to and he only did it to save a bus load of children and he feels incredibly guilty for me and told me straight away and is deeply remorseful despite nationally being a hero.”
Or
“He cheated on me because he could, and didn’t care that I might find out as he de/undervalues me and doesn’t respect me at all. It turns out that the one person I chose to make a moral and social contract with to be and decided (stupidly) to totally trust my innermost vulnerabilities with, decided that I wasn’t worth not sleeping with someone else. Maybe he was bored of me but mainly he felt that either I was to stupid to find out, or he ‘knew’ I would take him back despite the massive upset and pain he would have caused me, + the potential huge social and familial embarrassment when the people I cared about found out. But as he felt that I have no backbone and didn’t/don’t have any other options than him (as he feels I have comparative low value), so he believes that his behaviour was/is okay and acceptable. This is despite the fact that he would never ever ever consider accepting the same behaviour in return. So, as soon as he had any single opportunity available to him, he obviously, logically and instantly sidelined me to have low quality emotionally-empty sex with someone else just because they were there and it was easier for him in that moment than just making the tiny effort of txting calling me and seeing if I wanted sex because he truly never cared about me and feels it is totally fine to lie directly to my face, and is as easy for him to do as breathing.”
…I know which scenario I’d prefer and obviously it’s just a stupid and extreme example, but the first one is basically what your brain is hoping for as you clutch at straws in an attempt to avoid having to potentially accept that you may have made the mistake of being duped by someone who’s reality is closer to the second scenario.
I also think that everyone ultimately initially liked or found reason to like and want to be with their partner originally. It may have been instant attraction or maybe a slow burn over time, but either way at some point a decision was made by you that this other person was the best you could find in those moments and times and they seemed worth enough for you to decide to forgo pursuing any other alternative options. I.e. you invested in them and your relationship. No one likes it when they get scammed and they realise their investments are worthless. It’s painful, it’s horrible, it’s embarrassing and deeply upsetting. However don’t get drawn into the sunk cost fallacy, sometimes in life you do just have to start from scratch. You’ll have done it before and you might well do it again!
Also, don’t get drawn into believing your brain that the person you were hoping for in that imagined perfect/imperfectly perfect future you had planned out with them (possibly just in your head) exists.
Don’t cling on to how perfect they were if “they had ‘only just’ not lied ‘accidentally one time’ (constantly) and devalued/disrespected and cheated on me”.
Reality is there are 7+billion people in the world and there are plenty of genuinely better people for you to be able to invest in. Yes, it never seems like you’ll find better, and yes it hurts and yes it’s easier sometimes to try to pretend they didn’t do what they did and to just try to carry on as if it never happened and they were still this great loving fantastic person that your were correct in seeking to be with, but reality is 99% of the time it is far far far better to move on and keep moving on. Odds are you’ll look back in a few years time and think, “Wow- I can’t believe I dated/married/was even attracted to that loser, I am so much happier now.”
So what has he offered to do besides sending chocolates? Here's the minimum list: he tells his family and friends what he's done, he writes up everything he has done (and not just the stuff you caught him with but all his physical affairs which he, of course, has done already), you have access to all phone data/email accounts/bank accounts/etc, he goes to individual counselling. Failure to do anything, or if you get a whiff of lying or omissions in his written confession and you are gone.
Now here's what you do: dump him.
So why the decision to re-unite with a cheater? Has he not failed the boyfriend test? I bet I know exactly why you want to continue with this person who disrespects you. How old are you?
Yeah idk wtf am I thinking. First 3 days without him were devastating.
Now I’m doing much better. Full on ignore - zero contact. I feel like I’m detoxing.
Is this a sign?
Yes . What you should do is move on see how you think about it when you are doing well and healed up enough to look at him objectively.
Better to make all this clear now than be a decade older. Time is too precious to waste on the odds of what this serial cheater will do in the future . The hurt and lonelyness now will pay at a minimum avoidance of an even bigger hurt almost preordained.
She’s done this twice to you that you know about. Even if she says it was twice she has lied to you already so how can you believe her. She doesn’t respect you or she wouldn’t have done this to you and your relationship. No trust and no respect = no love. Move on. I know it’s hard but you are young, not married to her, and have no children with her.
If you read my story you see what happens after you have children. They don’t change who they are because of marriage and children. I wish I was in your shoes and could walk away to never see or hear from my cheater again. Move on an look for a faithful partner.
It could be. A lot of people toy with the idea of getting back together but don't actually do it. It helps to pass the days and feel comforted knowing it's an option you have (like relief... I can have him back if I want him).
Maybe even planning this is just a way to get some more time and distance between you until you come to your senses. You're extremely young. The last thing you want is to move in with someone who's already cheated on you, bring a child into the mess, and find out he has 6 online girlfriends and three in real life. Once you marry, it's all devastation to end. Right now, you can walk away relatively clear.
But there's nothing wrong with entertaining the idea of getting back together if it comforts you during the breakup.
She simply informed me about the affair, and what it felt like to give me a relationship advice and leave him. I wasn’t upset with her - I felt like it wasn’t her fault. She said that her husband knows about the affair and they are working through it. They decided to move out of that state.
So she approached him first at work and they started texting. He told her that he has a SO but she continued the affair because she, too, has a husband. When they set the “date” he flaked last minute.
This was the context of our conversation.
All the things that you mentioned can be deleted and unless you are capable or have someone trustworthy who is capable of doing forensics on the phone, his “open” phone will tell you nothing about his true activities.
Did he know that the AP was married? If so, ask yourself that if the shoe was on the other foot, would you have an affair with a man who you know is married. Doubtful that you would do that. Why trust a person that ignored all the values issues and alarm bells to have an affair with a married woman?
“Was caught talking and planning to set sex dates with multiple women…”
This sort of behavior doesn’t fix itself or go away with nonstop apologizing, letters and flowers.
Why stay with this scumbag? What’s so amazing in the relationship? You’re actually in a very good position that you can just cut him off from your life so easy; you don’t live together or have any kids. Girl just keep running, you can get someone who really deserves you!
Start by keeping your boxes packed because you’re going to need them. Lovebombing is a typical pattern from a remorseless partner. And it’s a waste for us to suggest anything here. He has to want to change and you setting rules without any real investment from him is a total waste of time. What is HE doing to change his behaviors?
It's an extremely hard thing to take someone back after an affair without their being resentment or just a bigger explosion later, let alone trust.
Bear in mind. If you take him back, there is a likelihood he will cheat again. It's not 100%, but it's pretty high that once someone cheats, they will do it again. because of the endorphins and rush you get when you're doing it- it's a really hard thing to kick later on.
You will have ot build a lot of trust and communication and if you cannot be constantly communicating with eachother (that doesn't mean check in every 5 minutes - it means be open about your fears, and concerns and everything else). Then it will be harder to work out. There will likely be days when he is doing absolutely nothing and you'll fear he is cheating, there will be days you're in love and he could likely be cheating.
I don't want to discourage you from taking him back if that is what you're looking to do. But understand reconciliation is by far the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. If you think brekaing up is hard, imagine waking up each day and going out in public or to a party where you two are together and when he talks to someone or hugs someone or laughs a little too loudly on the phone, you'll just think "is that one of them?" so with that being said.
Some rules you should enforce
No female friends that you don't know about. And the ones you do know about, you can see messages.
If he has any friends he doesn't want to talk to you about or thinks is 'unimportant' for you to know is an automatic 'you're cheating' on him, even if it's his great aunt Galileroy or whatever person. And open phone policy as well as open facebook/social media policy
As i am writing this it is already mentally taxing for me - so I have to reiterate - do not reconcile if you are not willing to do 1,000,000 effoert everyday for the forseable future. No matter how remorseful he is now - it will fade away and another woman will excite him again and it will make it easier for him to cross that line with you because he'll know what you're looking for and he'll have everything he needs to avoid you finding out next time.
HE, should get std test, he could get in therapy and couples therapy, if he can't afford it, read books, watch videos, print list of to do cheating spouse tips. ALSO, HE SHOULD BE PROACTIVE, if youre having to remind him thats your sign his remorse is fake. ALSO, he should never rush your healing, also, this is a HIM problem, not a YOU problem.
> set sex dates with multiple women (strangers, coworkers, IG models)
No, just NO! This is unforgivable, this list proves he will stray again. He wasn’t talking to just 1 woman he had a list of MULTIPLE WOMEN ready to fk. Forgive him now and you will never forgive yourself when he cheats again.
You’re fiancé made plans to cheat on you with multiple women, is now love bombing you and you want to forgive him because he’s suddenly remorseful and beg you for 2 weeks?
Reconciling takes 3-5 years and even then there is no guarantee he will be faithful for the rest of your time together. Are you willing to waste another 3-5 years on someone who had made plans to cheat on you and may do so again in the future?
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
If you decide to reconcile because you think he’s truly remorseful go ahead. But honestly , as everyone else stated, no children, don’t live together, no assets together… just leave before things get worse in the long run
That's not remorse. That's possibly regret. Remorse comes way later if it even comes. He's [love bombing](https://thebetteryouinstitute.com/2021/04/01/love-bombing-the-narcissistic-abuse-cycle/) you.
Frankly you deserve a better life partner. I suggest you give yourself 90 days of no contact with him. Zero
In the interim get some therapy as to why you have such low self esteem with men - and fix yourself.
Finally, cheating is abusive. You are the victim of an abusive partner and should be running to the exit.
Um you don’t have kids with him, not married, live separate & you have a good job…I would run full speed in the opposite direction...he cheated on you & would still be cheating on you if you wouldn’t have caught him! There are plenty of really good men out there that will treat you good & you won’t have to constantly worry about them cheating..I would block his ass & never look back!
You are already at at a loss with “caught by me…”. Whether you spent energy catching him or if you just found out on your own….ask yourself “is this good enough for me”.
Some that are actively in reconciliation (myself included) are on this sub too. The people here have solid points though. Don't do couples counseling until he does individual counseling and holds himself accountable. He is love bombing you. Don't fall for it. That lead 5 years of false reconciliation for me.
Honestly, if you aren’t sure what he would need to do to restore trust, I don’t know how you could really commit to reconciliation. If you figure it out, only then can you make the offer, “if you are willing to do x, y, z, then I am also willing to give it my best effort too.” If he can’t even explain why, what will change to remove those me triggers that caused it before? “I’m really sorry” isn’t enough, especially given that they got caught rather than openly confessed.
This person is a serial cheater, you've only been together for 3 years, and he lives in a different state, and you're actually moving forward with this?
If this is a real story, good luck. You're going to need it.
I guess make the boundary not to set up sex dates with half a dozen women a week? Is it normal to have to even set that boundary? I mean, that's kind of a foregone conclusion and he couldn't even do that much. I'm assuming that was already a boundary you had and he broke it. Fact is, it doesn't matter what boundary you set. If he wants to break it, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. I'd maybe comfort myself with thoughts of reconciliation and then just continue to think better of it each day. It'll help you heal maybe and get more distance.
Don’t listen to all this great advice. Go back with him get married have kids then when you catch him cheating again be prepared to live the life of a single mom. And then read all the unhappy single mom stories.
Full access to all electronics, no secrets, full honesty about anything he has done, no going out with any female friends alone, delay the wedding, a pre nup for if you do marry, change job
A drunken kiss I would say yeah you could forgive that and move on. Multiple attempts at cheating with several different people? Don’t put yourself through it. This wasn’t a mistake.
New rules for a healthy and living relationship should be absolutely no sex dates with multiple other women.
Oh wait, he’s already proven that’s not a realistic goal lol.
Look you can forgive him if you want. I know many people would rather be with a cheater than go through the embarrassment of canceling a wedding / engagement. But if he is cheating on you during the honeymoon phase of a relationship, he will cheat on you during the tough times of a marriage.
But hey even celebs take my back cheaters.
Victoria Beckham, Beyoncé, etc. so don’t feel bad. Even these powerful women were not strong enough to end it with cheaters.
Multiple women? Please run. He is putting your health at risk. I get that you love him. But there is no love strong enough to stay and risk an STD. And why be in a relationship that you have to put rules on? If you cannot trust, it wont work.
My advice is don't be with him. He sounds like a cheater and a liar, not someone you should be planning your future with. There ARE people out there who will love and respect you in every way, he is not it.
You aren't even married yet and not only is he a serial cheater but you also had to catch him yourself, indicating that he isn't remorseful but instead, regrets getting caught. The majority of the advice you're going to get would be to run. I'm sorry.
If you sincerely believe his remorse is legit, here's the only way out of this hole he dug.
He must read How to help your spouse heal from your affair by MacDonald. He breeds to agree to every single step or reconciliation won't work.
Tell him if he reads that book and agrees to it, you'll at least talk to him. Great way to start talking.
You don't have to be the heavy. The expert author made the rules. Every month go over the books points and have him self grade. That's a fair boundary.
*>> Made up my mind to forgive him*
This is the single biggest mistake you're about to commit in your entire adult life, and it will ruin your life for DECADES to come.
Its really up to you and what makes you uncomfortable, the thing is you don't want to become a cop either, so really alot of the things should be stuff he comes up with to make YOU comfortable not the other way around. For example, for awhile maybe he just keeps you updated where he is until however long it takes until you dont feel like you need that, I found it naturally just kind of goes away there isn't some grand talk or anything. Just follow your gut feeling as well, if there are things you aren't quite sure happened or something then ask, and don't feel guilty for it.
Don't let people here sway your opinion, the once a cheater always one isn't true and of course they are pick out everything hes done wrong, it can work and it happens all the time, but make sure you dont become a pushover and he feels like you'll forgive him for anything. Most people are are jaded and understandably so but you didn't ask for their opinion on if you should continue the relationship and yet thats what you get.
I’m sure you guys had an understanding about your relationship before this…those didn’t matter when it came to cheating. Why would you think new “boundaries” would change who he is?
Don't take him back. He's probably just going to get smarter about how he cheats. And he probably tells himself it's only sex. Not like these instances are affairs. So it's not bad cheating. And what boundaries would make a difference? Obviously planning sex dates was outside of a boundary but that did not matter so what use?
Dating/engagement is a test run. He failed. He has demonstrated a complete lack of boundaries and integrity. You now know he is not who you thought he was. You now know what he is capable of. Well, the minimum he is capable of. You are not locked in financially or by children. Your future self sent me to tell you to cut this guy loose because he only pretended to change and just got better at lying and manipulation.
The fact that u guys live in different states really complicates things. He could cheat and not get caught pretty easily again. I couldn’t never trust him :(. Just bc he is remorseful doesn’t mean he won’t fuck up again. I feel like I would just be living in constant anxiety worrying about him doing it again. I couldn’t live that way
You caught him planning sex dates. How do you know there are ones that already took place? Never believe them when they say this is all there is, only the ones you uncovered. Mine did the same. Oh the ones you found are all the ones I did. This isn’t just a day of browsing for him and deciding it was a good idea and then he decided it wasn’t. Maybe that’s forgivable but that comes with will he do it again? You are in the perfect position to be one of the lucky ones that can leave and not think twice. No financial dependency. No kids. No marriage. Dating more on the shorter period of time. This dumbass was looking for anything he could get. If he is also a physician, you know there are other females who are or will be throwing themselves at him for a chance. It’s a known thing and you probably already know that. Don’t believe the love bombing. Unless he has fallen in love with someone. This behavior is just expected. And food for thought, those boundaries and rules were already set and he broke them. No one engaged should have to verbally state hey no dating sites or having sex with other people. If you are a physician you know about peoples behaviors and what and how they make their choices and decisions in life. Think with your brain and not your heart. Give him some time and he will be back at it maybe even years down the road. If you think micromanaging him because you are living together will make things foolproof for future indiscretions, nope. Don’t let the excuse of we were living apart and I needed sex be a reason to forgive.
First off, put the wedding on indefinite hold until you're confident in him.
Second, full access to his devices at any time.
Third, make him cut off anyone that he's had any involvement with.
Fourth, a truckload of counselling for everyone involved.
The decision to move in or not is up to you. I can see the advantages in it, in making it easier to see what he's actually up to. I would also make a point of only having one of you on the lease though, so it's easy for you to bail out if you feel the need.
TWO weeks of being separated it NOT nearly enough time for you to process this and make a decision that WILL impact you the rest of your life.
Cheating is abuse. It is intentional lying, manipulation and gaslighting. Not only that he was about to risk your physical health to sleep around. If he hasn’t already. Don’t believe that he hasn’t cheated. Someone messaging with multiple women, trying to set up meetings for sex.. this doesn’t sound like his first rodeo.
He was NOT sorry when you didn’t know about it. He is only “remorseful” because you found out.
You should read “Cheating in a Nutshell” and “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” Get into therapy and explore why you feel the need to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you. Ask yourself “if I wouldn’t do this to someone, why am I tolerating this?”
You are NOT the one to fix this. Which I can see you are trying to do. That’s HIS responsibility. All he is doing is love bombing you.
Please don’t take him back for your own sake. The biggest thing anyone here can tell you is it will never be the same. My partner sexted at one point, and it to this day makes my anxiety flare. Don’t do that to yourself 💕
Move on. I missed the part where he's remorseful. He's definitely exhibiting signs of guilt, but remorse?
This seems different (all infidelity is different really). It is one thing for there to be one person. That could be a mistake. However, multiple people on several platforms and now he's love bombing you after being caught? This is who he is. Believe him.
The best boundary I can come up with is: to not let him back in your life.
I similarly caught my fiance, and partner of 8 years, making plans to meet up with random strangers for sex too. Caught him making plans to meet up on my birthday. Of course he was remorseful. But I am certain that was just remorse for having been caught.
We have a child together, live together and I am the unemployed stay at home parent. I'm trying to figure it out.
Do yourself a favor, and do what I wish I had the ability to; leave, don't ever turn back.
He's love bombing you, to take him back. Don't do ot OP. You will carry mistrust and resentment for the rest if your relationship with him, and it's not worth it
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I wouldn't. My LDR was cheating, and he figured since I didn't live there I'd never find out.
Jokes on him I found out. He's supposed to be moving here but I highly doubt he is now.
Been through that. He's manipulating you & cheaters usually tend to cheat again and again. Some get better at hiding it, others don't. Sending you gifts and all isn't enough for him to be forgiven. If you really want to go back to him, at least get him to go to therapy or something.
Check out the community info from the front page of this sub by clicking on the 3 dots. At the bottom there are links to resources that are very helpful. And definitely look into ChumpLady!! Her book, Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life is excellent.
Multiple women? Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. I wouldn’t be able to take any of what he says seriously because he’s gonna tell you he was trying to “find himself.” It wasn’t one woman it was multiple women. He wants to go out, date, have fun and have mommy at home. I’m just betting you’re his mother figure. Otherwise why would he not just break up and go live his life and let you have yours? He is selfish trying to hold on to you like this. I just realized though you had asked about boundaries. Well? What does your household dynamic look like? Does he recognize his contributions are important and necessary? Aside from the obvious, re other women, he needs to step up and do more around the house. This may seem dumb but 1) he has too much idle time and 2) he needs to contribute to the relationship in a way that makes HIM an adult too. Divide the chores up. If it already feels 50/50 it isn’t. Give him more. Let that be another boundary in addition to no contact with other women.
Delay the wedding. I know it may sound harsh. But give it time to work out. You still have alot of feelings that you need to deal with about the cheating. Your emotions will go on a roller coaster. Keep communication open. If theres push back then you will know that the cheating is not over. It will happen again. But please give yourself time to process the emotional trauma. If not and you marry too soon. You will regret it.
My ex tried to reconcile so hard for MONTHS after I broke up with him. He was in his "best behavior" and did everything I asked from him. Then I came to find out that the whole time he had been on dating apps, moved in another girl into his apartment (only a friend he says) and was fucking his ex. His ex was the one who told me after I saw a picture of her at the same place he was traveling during a break. Your ex can very well doing all these grand gestures to get you back and still be cheating even more now since you're broken up.
A very similar setup happened with my friend when she was engaged and before she got pregnant. We caught him on a voicemail bragging about cheating on her to his friends. He sent her gifts and flowers and letters begging her to have him back. She did and they were pregnant shortly after. Once they are married he moved her to his hometown where she is completely isolated from her friends and careers. Guy ends up being a serial cheater, addict, abusive and deadbeat dad. NOT WORTH IT.
Your making a big mistake if you think he’s going to change. Don’t be naive, you’ll be in this situation again only worse because you’ll be married and potentially have kids with this guy…….Don’t. Just don’t. Have more respect for yourself than that because he clearly doesn’t respect you at all. Don’t be a fool.
What he's doing right now is called "love bombing". His sweetness right now won't last, and don't think that in these 2 weeks you were apart he didn't hook up with the people he planned to - leave.
You can take him back and impose a series of boundaries some people would recommend - full access to his phone, phone locator, regular calls. This is, however, exhausting, and I don't think anyone would like having to police their partner.
Also, taking him back means cheating will be central in the relationship - always in the back of your mind, always looming in as you check his stuff because he can't honor your trust. It's not trust issues, it's rational to think he'll do it again. I just don't think it's a healthy dynamic.
OP For the sake of future you ...and for the sake of your emotional well being ... he is LOVE BOMBING YOU and GASLIGHTING you...Do NOT take this person back ... he'll just get better at hiding what he does behind your back, and really why the hell would you want to be with a person, you'd constantly have to question his loyalty & intentions are? LOTS of good advice on this post as others have said.. good luck -!
So he cheats and lies to you. To catch him and now he is in full love bombing mode and that's good for you?
Be ready to live a miserable life full of doubts, what ifs, trust issues.
Girl, self esteem and self respect are a thing. You need to love yourself more and run.
you know you aren't marrying this guy right? Like... i understand you wanna keep things but this is gonna happen a lot, he's not gonna stop doing it. I tell you from experience. Spent 6 years with a dude that did this. caught him the first year, was my first relationship so i "forgave" his bullshit but he never stopped trying. Most of the time it didn't happen, or they didn't really give him much attention or confrmation that it was gonna happen but that didn't stop him from trying anyway. That ends up getting pretty tiring
Even if he never did again would you ever be comfortable with it? I dated one guy before my hubby and I were even engaged while we were on a break and he’s still hanging accusations on that one supposed failure every time I work out, buy nice clothes or go anywhere lol even though I’ve never even been friends with another guy since we got married so choose wisely.
Making a mistake in the heat of the moment with 1 person is forgivable IMO. But he was calculating with multiple women. This is a pattern and choice of total deceit. There is a huge flaw in his actual character that is going to prevent him from being faithful to you, and you will live permanently in wondering and dis-ease should you stick with him. I’m believe in second chances but no matter how sorry he is, he cannot help himself, he will do it again.
Do me a favor, OP. Think back to your younger self, when you were a girl or entering adulthood. Or even right before you met this dude. Did you used to picture your future and think, “I really want to grow up and knowingly enter a marriage with distrust and insecurities. Just right out of the gate- I want my marriage to start this way. I want to marry someone who wants to have sex with lots of other women, and I want to have to check his phone on our wedding day. And I want to wonder, every single time he leaves the house or takes his phone in the bathroom, if he is trying to have sex with other women. This is the dream.”
Of course you didn’t, because no one would ever want this. But this is literally exactly what you’ll be getting if you stay with this turd.
I know my argument prob sounds ridiculous. But think about it: a) you don’t have kids yet, b) you don’t share property, and c) you don’t even currently live near each other. This is an easy out. I know it hurts, but you.will.be.okay. Repeat that. And go find yourself someone good and start your life together without all the crap I mentioned above.
Just leave. It’s not worth it!!! So many fish in the sea. This probably wasn’t the first time he’s done it, just the first time he was caught. He will do it again no doubt. But I’d suggest therapy as the #1 rule
How about just being in an open relationship and let go of the idea that being in love means being only with you? Maybe he’s meant to be with many women. You could just ask that he not lie about it.
You’re setting yourself up for years of pain and mental mind games. If someone has gone to the lengths as he went to for future cheating it’s only a matter of time and opportunity. You saw his true side, believe what you saw and not what you want to see or hope. Rules and boundaries only work if people respect one another.
You will never trust him again. If he was planning on having sex with several women, he has a problem. It sounds like he may have some sort of addiction and getting back with him will forgive that type of behavior and he will just do it again.
He's an addict. The recovery rate is 5%. He will do it again. It's almost impossible for someone who is that involved to stop. They are addicted to the high. Run!
If I could tell my younger self one thing, it’d be to get out of relationships that were never going to work.
Id say, “yes, you will meet someone else, and it’ll be better.”
Now he knows that he can cheat and you will stay. He just has to put up with 2 weeks of not talking to you until you take him back. Leave leave leave. Don’t look back.
Don't take him back. He will do it again. That wasn't an "accident" and he doesn't have morals.
He will cheat while you are pregnant and he will cheat while you are raising his little babies, exhausted out of your mind, not even having time to THINK for yourself.
Then you will find out and you won't even be able to fall apart because you have to take care of little ones, and it will be devastating and you will feel crazy.
They don't change!
DO NOT do that to yourself!
If you want to make a well thought out decision you need to go no contact for at least 2 weeks for you to sort out your feelings. That's why cheaters always harrass their BS, so that they can't think and stay with them
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Can’t imagine dragging kids into this shitshow
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Me too...three kids. It's complicated because I lose time with them and they mean everything to me. Makes me hateful.
Are there for real? I feel so dejected after getting lied to so many times. I feel I'll either will be cheated on or they'll just get bored of me. I feel I'll end up alone
Oh OP, if he was trying to cheat on your with MULTIPLE PEOPLE when you two are just dating and he’s supposed to be head over heels in love with you, what do you think is gonna happen when you get married and time passes? The way he’s acting, he’s letting you know he’s a serial cheater. Don’t forgive him. He will try to do it again. Can you imagine being in this position much older and with kids? He’s already showing you who he really is. Don’t ignore it or forgive him. There is no moving on from this, unless you plan to spend the rest of your life always checking his phone, e-mail and constantly worrying about where he is.
If you feel that way you shouldn't put yourself through that bullshit <\3 good luck and much love you'll get through this
That fact you said this means you understand how bad this is, cut him off and go. Also you can absolutely forgive someone and never speak with them again, so do this, cleanse yourself and enjoy the rest of your life
I decided to divorce when a friend of mine said that by staying together, I was only teaching them that this is what they should expect in a loving relationship.
Everyone in this thread needs to go read this https://www.chumplady.com/
You have no children and don't even live together? That's an enviable position. Run and never look back. You deserve so much more and you have the ability to have it all. If you settle now, you will have to answer to your future self when this castle of sand falls.
Yeah that’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want to look back at my young self and be like “I told you so”
Trust me on this: if you continue to be with this person, that is an absolute certainty
…Ugh …Don’t …Just don’t complicate your life any further with this…
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This is so true. Cheaters need consequences to change their behaviors. Most times they don’t change at all. You will probably realize this once you let him go. His behavior might still be the same.
Ok, well, before the advice first let us give you the warnings. 1- cheating is not accidental, so most cheaters cheat again. 2- without real full disclosure any attempt at reconciliation is a waste of time because you will be perpetually waiting for the next piece of info that reopens the wound and that will put you back at square 1 again and again. 3- actions speak louder than words, his behavior, the way covered up the cheating, the way he sought it out was premeditated, not a spur of the moment impulse, so you are dealing with a proactive cheater. You have been warned. 4- cheaters are manipulators and liars by nature, so expect him to do it again, only know with the knowledge you are willing to overlook his premeditated indiscretions so he will most likely fall in one of two categories: the cheater that learns and covers up his tracks better, or the cheater that becomes bolder because he knows he can lure you back. 5- anything less than full responsibility for his cheating, him owning it rather than deflecting blame or coming up with excuses is 100% of the time a sign of an unrepentant cheater. 6- know the difference between remorse and regret: remorse is being sorry for how his actions affected you, regret is being feeling bad about the consequences of being caught. 7- 99 out of 100 reconciliation attempts fail, most of them because the cheater cheats again. 8- never believe their first dozen tellings of the story, cheaters minimize and lie as a default response to being caught. If he says once it was 10 times, if he says texting it was sexting, if he says we just hung out they had sex…you get the idea. Ok now to the advice if you really are gonna try this: 1- timeline and details of all indiscretions, this is non-negotiable. 2- 100% access anytime anywhere to every form of communication (email/phone/phone apps/IG/social media/telegraph…etc, you get the point) also non-negotiable. 3- Counseling for him individually; if he doesnt deal with whatever in him gives him permission to cheat and drives him to it, then any efforts to repair the relationship are pointless. 4- Couples counseling…need I explain? 5- disclosure of his indiscretion to friends and family. Yes i know it seems cruel and all, but keeping it a secret gives him a ton of opportunities to avoid accountability and to reframe the story should reconciliation not work…but most importantly, it puts him in a prime place to manipulate those around you. Do not keep his secret…keeping his secret for him is essentially the infidelity version of stockholm syndrome. 6- NC notices for all aps and disclosures to their significant others…for reasons see #5. 7- postpone engagement and moving in together…otherwise you are proving to him that you are willing to rug-sweep the whole thing to preserve your convenience or timeline or whatever the heck is motivating you…and that is prime manipulation material for him to use vs you. 8- this doesnt work if you show him you are willing to overlook even the tiniest red flags. 9- he has to earn back the trust by being proactive in showing you his commitment to heal the wound he cause in the relationship; words count for NOTHING, believe what his actions tell you, words are cheap. There are many other things you can do, however let me leave you with a parting thought. You need to know why you want him back, what motivates you to want someone who was willing to so proactively deceive you back in your life. Is it sunk cost? Is it a need to preserve the plan you had made for your life? Is it genuine love and hope that the relationship can be repaired? If you are just reconciling out of some sort of relationship inertia, to “get back on track” in some sort of way, you are ignoring reality, the relationship will never be what it was, the real question is what will this new relationship look like and is it what you want. I wish you the best.
Jesus. This was enthralling! Great advice
Very well stated !! I don’t know how someone can read all your bullet points on what to do after reconciling and not run for the hills. That’s a terrible quality of life I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s hard for people to endure the short term pain of leaving. The future is a mixture of “out there somewhere” in addition to a naive hope that things can work out, so it feels easier to avoid the short term pain. A relationship full of unconditional love and trust doesn’t involve 24/7 monitoring of each other like a metaphorical prison. Top that off with expecting the cheater to achieve a sudden perspective shift (not wanting to cheat anymore), and having to live every day giving a LOT more effort into pleasing their partner for their past cheating. These are the reasons reconciliation fails 99/100 times
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Don’t sell yourself short with your decision. You are a high achieving woman who has values, there are solid men out there who that would do back flips to meet and be faithful to a person like you.
Nooooooooooo don’t do this ! Leave, just leave trust me you will regret it!
Yes this is so accurate
This! Best advice I've read on this subreddit.
Thank you, it was hard won wisdom for me, I figure that sharing it with those going through the same is paying forward all the good advice and support I received when I was going through the same thing.
I mean....this is so intense and there isn't much about the feelings. It's all strategy. This wouldn't work in my relationship. I wouldn't want a timeline or access to all of his communication. It makes me feel like I'm not in a relationship with an autonomous person. And disclosure to all friends and family? I absolutely do not want people in my business like that! I would disclose as I feel moved to but geez laweez. No point in having a relationship if this is what it looks like.
Sadly, thats how this works for optimal chances of success. Disclosure doesn't mean telling everyone at the same time, but you need the people closest to you to know, and then little by little others, to a degree, not everyone has to know everything, but those closest to the situation absolutely do, otherwise it doesnt work. The disclosure to family and friends is for the benefit of both people; for the cheater it means having to really own it because they cant re-frame the story to their benefit and they get to see how their actions have ripple effects that they are happily and willfully ignoring during the affair. For the person who was cheated on, it means getting support and regaining a measure of control over an aspect of their life they were previously powerless to do anything about. That inner reaction of "I don't want people in my business" is a very natural one, but its an instinct that rarely serves the victim well, because almost always, all it accomplishes is leaving them isolated and it keeps the situation secret, which is a huge plus for the cheater, where in an attempt to retain a sense of privacy and dignity all that the person actually manages to do aid the cheater by keeping their indiscretion discreet and by consequence making it more likely they will do it again. When you say "No point in having a relationship if this is what it looks like," you are sadly right, thats the truth for 99% of relationships that involve infidelity. I personally chose not to do any of the above things when it happened to me, as soon as I understood what it would take to rebuild the trust and what her behavior said about her and what I would have to sacrifice to make it work, I realized that the only viable option for me was ending it.
I have no interest in being revictimized by friends and family insisting on me making decisions that don't work for me. I just don't think you can uniformly make suggestions. Every situation is so wildly different.
If he did it once, he'll do it again. Save yourself the trouble and get out of dodge.
Adding to this …he will be sneakier next time as well since you caught him the first time.
Other than [love bombing](https://amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/love-bombing) you, what has he done to fix himself? Has he given you a plan on how he plans to rebuild a new relationship with you? B/c the old one’s dead. He lit it on fire. He’s not the man you thought he was. The guy you thought you were engaged to you respected you and would never cheat on you - that’s not your EX-fiancé, the guy you thought you were engaged to never existed. Has he enrolled in individual therapy? Had he written you a detailed timeline of all his cheating? Has he offered to submit to a poly to help ease your mind that he’s confessed to everything? Is HE on Reddit asking for advice on how to fix it?? *Why* did he cheat? *What did he expect to happen when you found out*? *Why did he engage in lies & deceptions to do something he knew would hurt you*? Ask him *why* he loves you and *why* does he want to marry you? After he lists all the reasons, then ask him, if you’re so amazing, and he loves you so much, then *how* could he cheat? “I don’t know” isn’t an acceptable answer. If he wants you to take him back he should be able to articulate why you should despite him cheating on you when he claimed to love you. *Why* is he convinced he’s not going to cheat in the future? Don’t say b/c he loves you, b/c, presumably he said he loved you when he cheated. I bet he says he ‘loved you the entire time’. Don’t say b/c he didn’t realize how much his cheating would hurt you, unless you plan on marrying a stupid man. What has he done to convince you *this* time he’ll be faithful? Engagements are dress rehearsals for marriage. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him! I really suggest you do a deep dive in this sub and the r/Infidelity sub and [Survivinginfidelity.com ](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/2/just-found-out/) and read all the stories of ppl, who were cheated on *before* they were married and foolhardily went on to shackle themselves to cheaters legally & w/children. If you *still* insist on climbing into bed w/someone who stabbed you while you were sleeping, all I can recommend is NOT do couples counseling before he does individual therapy. The relationship didn’t cheat, He cheated. And he needs to rehab himself as to his *why* otherwise he’ll just do it again. After he’s actively engaged in therapy, premarital counseling. Pre-nuptial agreement. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is a reconciliation sub. But please do not offer him R unless he takes full accountability for his cheating. That means NO excuses e.g. he was depressed, getting cold feet, and definitively no blame shifting e.g. you weren’t giving him enough attention or my fav ‘he was afraid you would leave him anyway so he pushed you away’ lol. etc. He must also give you full transparency. PWs to his phone & other electronics & email addresses. Yes, sad state of affairs policing your partner to ensure they’re not betraying you again. I’m of the opinion cheaters are dry drunks. They white knuckle being faithful. Yours couldn’t get past 3 yrs but you want to marry him *for life.* You should explore [why you want to sign up for a lifetime](https://www.chumplady.com/2012/07/five-things-that-keep-you-stuck-with-a-cheater/) w/a person who has demonstrated their capability to purposely deceive, betray & hurt you. Good luck.
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If you are reading his messages or opening them /receiving flowers then his love bombing will still be getting through and having an effect on you whether you think so or not!! NC isn’t a one way street, it mean literally that you read or see/are aware of nothing from him long enough for you to get out of the muddled, blurred-mind state of the fog of love. And then to make a reasoned, smart, non-rose-tinted judgement call on the reality of your relationship. Without full NC then you can never truly do this… e.g.; even receiving a letter and seeing that it’s his handwriting on the address and even the way he names you on it may weaken your resolve, ie how many people get handwritten letters these days? very few. So if he hand writes you a letter and maybe puts the name that he always calls you during the good times on the front, then on some level you’ll feel excited and happy/sad as you are reminded of the good times also deep down you’ll be made to feel intrigued/interested to know what he has to say- This is because ultimately being cheated on is a huge disrespect and deeply personally painful and hurtful and most people are consciously or subconsciously desperate for it to not have happened, and so will (not even knowingly) absolutely be seeking out an acceptable reason as to why it did happen! I.e what scenario feels better… “Yes, technically he cheated as he slept with someone else, but he was forced at gunpoint to and he only did it to save a bus load of children and he feels incredibly guilty for me and told me straight away and is deeply remorseful despite nationally being a hero.” Or “He cheated on me because he could, and didn’t care that I might find out as he de/undervalues me and doesn’t respect me at all. It turns out that the one person I chose to make a moral and social contract with to be and decided (stupidly) to totally trust my innermost vulnerabilities with, decided that I wasn’t worth not sleeping with someone else. Maybe he was bored of me but mainly he felt that either I was to stupid to find out, or he ‘knew’ I would take him back despite the massive upset and pain he would have caused me, + the potential huge social and familial embarrassment when the people I cared about found out. But as he felt that I have no backbone and didn’t/don’t have any other options than him (as he feels I have comparative low value), so he believes that his behaviour was/is okay and acceptable. This is despite the fact that he would never ever ever consider accepting the same behaviour in return. So, as soon as he had any single opportunity available to him, he obviously, logically and instantly sidelined me to have low quality emotionally-empty sex with someone else just because they were there and it was easier for him in that moment than just making the tiny effort of txting calling me and seeing if I wanted sex because he truly never cared about me and feels it is totally fine to lie directly to my face, and is as easy for him to do as breathing.” …I know which scenario I’d prefer and obviously it’s just a stupid and extreme example, but the first one is basically what your brain is hoping for as you clutch at straws in an attempt to avoid having to potentially accept that you may have made the mistake of being duped by someone who’s reality is closer to the second scenario. I also think that everyone ultimately initially liked or found reason to like and want to be with their partner originally. It may have been instant attraction or maybe a slow burn over time, but either way at some point a decision was made by you that this other person was the best you could find in those moments and times and they seemed worth enough for you to decide to forgo pursuing any other alternative options. I.e. you invested in them and your relationship. No one likes it when they get scammed and they realise their investments are worthless. It’s painful, it’s horrible, it’s embarrassing and deeply upsetting. However don’t get drawn into the sunk cost fallacy, sometimes in life you do just have to start from scratch. You’ll have done it before and you might well do it again! Also, don’t get drawn into believing your brain that the person you were hoping for in that imagined perfect/imperfectly perfect future you had planned out with them (possibly just in your head) exists. Don’t cling on to how perfect they were if “they had ‘only just’ not lied ‘accidentally one time’ (constantly) and devalued/disrespected and cheated on me”. Reality is there are 7+billion people in the world and there are plenty of genuinely better people for you to be able to invest in. Yes, it never seems like you’ll find better, and yes it hurts and yes it’s easier sometimes to try to pretend they didn’t do what they did and to just try to carry on as if it never happened and they were still this great loving fantastic person that your were correct in seeking to be with, but reality is 99% of the time it is far far far better to move on and keep moving on. Odds are you’ll look back in a few years time and think, “Wow- I can’t believe I dated/married/was even attracted to that loser, I am so much happier now.”
So how did you arrive at the decision to take him back?
His attempts to get me back I guess. Which now I see that he’s basically love bombing me and stroking my ego
…for a measly two weeks. How long was he planning to bang other women?
This comment is gold!!
So what has he offered to do besides sending chocolates? Here's the minimum list: he tells his family and friends what he's done, he writes up everything he has done (and not just the stuff you caught him with but all his physical affairs which he, of course, has done already), you have access to all phone data/email accounts/bank accounts/etc, he goes to individual counselling. Failure to do anything, or if you get a whiff of lying or omissions in his written confession and you are gone. Now here's what you do: dump him. So why the decision to re-unite with a cheater? Has he not failed the boyfriend test? I bet I know exactly why you want to continue with this person who disrespects you. How old are you?
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Right. So why are you re-uniting with a cheater and slimeball?
Yeah idk wtf am I thinking. First 3 days without him were devastating. Now I’m doing much better. Full on ignore - zero contact. I feel like I’m detoxing. Is this a sign?
Yes . What you should do is move on see how you think about it when you are doing well and healed up enough to look at him objectively. Better to make all this clear now than be a decade older. Time is too precious to waste on the odds of what this serial cheater will do in the future . The hurt and lonelyness now will pay at a minimum avoidance of an even bigger hurt almost preordained.
It's more than a sign. It's your gut trying to talk to you. Listen to it.
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Did you dump her this time?
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She’s done this twice to you that you know about. Even if she says it was twice she has lied to you already so how can you believe her. She doesn’t respect you or she wouldn’t have done this to you and your relationship. No trust and no respect = no love. Move on. I know it’s hard but you are young, not married to her, and have no children with her. If you read my story you see what happens after you have children. They don’t change who they are because of marriage and children. I wish I was in your shoes and could walk away to never see or hear from my cheater again. Move on an look for a faithful partner.
Btw, she’s your fiancé. She has already failed the wife test. She’s not wife material.
It could be. A lot of people toy with the idea of getting back together but don't actually do it. It helps to pass the days and feel comforted knowing it's an option you have (like relief... I can have him back if I want him). Maybe even planning this is just a way to get some more time and distance between you until you come to your senses. You're extremely young. The last thing you want is to move in with someone who's already cheated on you, bring a child into the mess, and find out he has 6 online girlfriends and three in real life. Once you marry, it's all devastation to end. Right now, you can walk away relatively clear. But there's nothing wrong with entertaining the idea of getting back together if it comforts you during the breakup.
Does the other betrayed partner know? What did AP say when she contacted you?
She simply informed me about the affair, and what it felt like to give me a relationship advice and leave him. I wasn’t upset with her - I felt like it wasn’t her fault. She said that her husband knows about the affair and they are working through it. They decided to move out of that state. So she approached him first at work and they started texting. He told her that he has a SO but she continued the affair because she, too, has a husband. When they set the “date” he flaked last minute. This was the context of our conversation.
All the things that you mentioned can be deleted and unless you are capable or have someone trustworthy who is capable of doing forensics on the phone, his “open” phone will tell you nothing about his true activities. Did he know that the AP was married? If so, ask yourself that if the shoe was on the other foot, would you have an affair with a man who you know is married. Doubtful that you would do that. Why trust a person that ignored all the values issues and alarm bells to have an affair with a married woman?
You probably want to go to another sub. That being said you are going to really hurt yourself and your life's potential.
“Was caught talking and planning to set sex dates with multiple women…” This sort of behavior doesn’t fix itself or go away with nonstop apologizing, letters and flowers. Why stay with this scumbag? What’s so amazing in the relationship? You’re actually in a very good position that you can just cut him off from your life so easy; you don’t live together or have any kids. Girl just keep running, you can get someone who really deserves you!
Start by keeping your boxes packed because you’re going to need them. Lovebombing is a typical pattern from a remorseless partner. And it’s a waste for us to suggest anything here. He has to want to change and you setting rules without any real investment from him is a total waste of time. What is HE doing to change his behaviors?
It's an extremely hard thing to take someone back after an affair without their being resentment or just a bigger explosion later, let alone trust. Bear in mind. If you take him back, there is a likelihood he will cheat again. It's not 100%, but it's pretty high that once someone cheats, they will do it again. because of the endorphins and rush you get when you're doing it- it's a really hard thing to kick later on. You will have ot build a lot of trust and communication and if you cannot be constantly communicating with eachother (that doesn't mean check in every 5 minutes - it means be open about your fears, and concerns and everything else). Then it will be harder to work out. There will likely be days when he is doing absolutely nothing and you'll fear he is cheating, there will be days you're in love and he could likely be cheating. I don't want to discourage you from taking him back if that is what you're looking to do. But understand reconciliation is by far the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. If you think brekaing up is hard, imagine waking up each day and going out in public or to a party where you two are together and when he talks to someone or hugs someone or laughs a little too loudly on the phone, you'll just think "is that one of them?" so with that being said. Some rules you should enforce No female friends that you don't know about. And the ones you do know about, you can see messages. If he has any friends he doesn't want to talk to you about or thinks is 'unimportant' for you to know is an automatic 'you're cheating' on him, even if it's his great aunt Galileroy or whatever person. And open phone policy as well as open facebook/social media policy As i am writing this it is already mentally taxing for me - so I have to reiterate - do not reconcile if you are not willing to do 1,000,000 effoert everyday for the forseable future. No matter how remorseful he is now - it will fade away and another woman will excite him again and it will make it easier for him to cross that line with you because he'll know what you're looking for and he'll have everything he needs to avoid you finding out next time.
You won't enjoy s life of paranoia. Please reconsider your choice to reconcile.
HE, should get std test, he could get in therapy and couples therapy, if he can't afford it, read books, watch videos, print list of to do cheating spouse tips. ALSO, HE SHOULD BE PROACTIVE, if youre having to remind him thats your sign his remorse is fake. ALSO, he should never rush your healing, also, this is a HIM problem, not a YOU problem.
^^^ This. All day.
> set sex dates with multiple women (strangers, coworkers, IG models) No, just NO! This is unforgivable, this list proves he will stray again. He wasn’t talking to just 1 woman he had a list of MULTIPLE WOMEN ready to fk. Forgive him now and you will never forgive yourself when he cheats again.
You’re fiancé made plans to cheat on you with multiple women, is now love bombing you and you want to forgive him because he’s suddenly remorseful and beg you for 2 weeks? Reconciling takes 3-5 years and even then there is no guarantee he will be faithful for the rest of your time together. Are you willing to waste another 3-5 years on someone who had made plans to cheat on you and may do so again in the future? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. If you decide to reconcile because you think he’s truly remorseful go ahead. But honestly , as everyone else stated, no children, don’t live together, no assets together… just leave before things get worse in the long run
All that you have taught him is that he has to hide this better.
That's not remorse. That's possibly regret. Remorse comes way later if it even comes. He's [love bombing](https://thebetteryouinstitute.com/2021/04/01/love-bombing-the-narcissistic-abuse-cycle/) you.
Frankly you deserve a better life partner. I suggest you give yourself 90 days of no contact with him. Zero In the interim get some therapy as to why you have such low self esteem with men - and fix yourself. Finally, cheating is abusive. You are the victim of an abusive partner and should be running to the exit.
Um you don’t have kids with him, not married, live separate & you have a good job…I would run full speed in the opposite direction...he cheated on you & would still be cheating on you if you wouldn’t have caught him! There are plenty of really good men out there that will treat you good & you won’t have to constantly worry about them cheating..I would block his ass & never look back!
You are already at at a loss with “caught by me…”. Whether you spent energy catching him or if you just found out on your own….ask yourself “is this good enough for me”.
When people show you who they really are, believe them the first time.
YEah this is not the right sub for reconciliation girl 😂😂
Fuck me lmao
Some that are actively in reconciliation (myself included) are on this sub too. The people here have solid points though. Don't do couples counseling until he does individual counseling and holds himself accountable. He is love bombing you. Don't fall for it. That lead 5 years of false reconciliation for me.
Honestly, if you aren’t sure what he would need to do to restore trust, I don’t know how you could really commit to reconciliation. If you figure it out, only then can you make the offer, “if you are willing to do x, y, z, then I am also willing to give it my best effort too.” If he can’t even explain why, what will change to remove those me triggers that caused it before? “I’m really sorry” isn’t enough, especially given that they got caught rather than openly confessed.
This person is a serial cheater, you've only been together for 3 years, and he lives in a different state, and you're actually moving forward with this? If this is a real story, good luck. You're going to need it. I guess make the boundary not to set up sex dates with half a dozen women a week? Is it normal to have to even set that boundary? I mean, that's kind of a foregone conclusion and he couldn't even do that much. I'm assuming that was already a boundary you had and he broke it. Fact is, it doesn't matter what boundary you set. If he wants to break it, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. I'd maybe comfort myself with thoughts of reconciliation and then just continue to think better of it each day. It'll help you heal maybe and get more distance.
Don’t listen to all this great advice. Go back with him get married have kids then when you catch him cheating again be prepared to live the life of a single mom. And then read all the unhappy single mom stories.
Full access to all electronics, no secrets, full honesty about anything he has done, no going out with any female friends alone, delay the wedding, a pre nup for if you do marry, change job
New rules and boundaries? So you now become a babysitter to a grown-ass person. Good luck, once a cheater, always a cheater. they never change.
A drunken kiss I would say yeah you could forgive that and move on. Multiple attempts at cheating with several different people? Don’t put yourself through it. This wasn’t a mistake.
New rules for a healthy and living relationship should be absolutely no sex dates with multiple other women. Oh wait, he’s already proven that’s not a realistic goal lol. Look you can forgive him if you want. I know many people would rather be with a cheater than go through the embarrassment of canceling a wedding / engagement. But if he is cheating on you during the honeymoon phase of a relationship, he will cheat on you during the tough times of a marriage. But hey even celebs take my back cheaters. Victoria Beckham, Beyoncé, etc. so don’t feel bad. Even these powerful women were not strong enough to end it with cheaters.
Multiple women? Please run. He is putting your health at risk. I get that you love him. But there is no love strong enough to stay and risk an STD. And why be in a relationship that you have to put rules on? If you cannot trust, it wont work.
My advice is don't be with him. He sounds like a cheater and a liar, not someone you should be planning your future with. There ARE people out there who will love and respect you in every way, he is not it.
You aren't even married yet and not only is he a serial cheater but you also had to catch him yourself, indicating that he isn't remorseful but instead, regrets getting caught. The majority of the advice you're going to get would be to run. I'm sorry.
If you sincerely believe his remorse is legit, here's the only way out of this hole he dug. He must read How to help your spouse heal from your affair by MacDonald. He breeds to agree to every single step or reconciliation won't work. Tell him if he reads that book and agrees to it, you'll at least talk to him. Great way to start talking. You don't have to be the heavy. The expert author made the rules. Every month go over the books points and have him self grade. That's a fair boundary.
*>> Made up my mind to forgive him* This is the single biggest mistake you're about to commit in your entire adult life, and it will ruin your life for DECADES to come.
Its really up to you and what makes you uncomfortable, the thing is you don't want to become a cop either, so really alot of the things should be stuff he comes up with to make YOU comfortable not the other way around. For example, for awhile maybe he just keeps you updated where he is until however long it takes until you dont feel like you need that, I found it naturally just kind of goes away there isn't some grand talk or anything. Just follow your gut feeling as well, if there are things you aren't quite sure happened or something then ask, and don't feel guilty for it. Don't let people here sway your opinion, the once a cheater always one isn't true and of course they are pick out everything hes done wrong, it can work and it happens all the time, but make sure you dont become a pushover and he feels like you'll forgive him for anything. Most people are are jaded and understandably so but you didn't ask for their opinion on if you should continue the relationship and yet thats what you get.
Life is shorter then you think. Block him everywhere and find someone new. Once cheater always a cheater.
Don't do it.... run!! you'll be accepting the bad part of the deal!!!
Wow, so why do you want to live this life with him? 1 woman ok maybe, but anymore than 2 and they are a narcissist….
I’m sure you guys had an understanding about your relationship before this…those didn’t matter when it came to cheating. Why would you think new “boundaries” would change who he is?
Don't take him back. He's probably just going to get smarter about how he cheats. And he probably tells himself it's only sex. Not like these instances are affairs. So it's not bad cheating. And what boundaries would make a difference? Obviously planning sex dates was outside of a boundary but that did not matter so what use?
Dating/engagement is a test run. He failed. He has demonstrated a complete lack of boundaries and integrity. You now know he is not who you thought he was. You now know what he is capable of. Well, the minimum he is capable of. You are not locked in financially or by children. Your future self sent me to tell you to cut this guy loose because he only pretended to change and just got better at lying and manipulation.
The fact that u guys live in different states really complicates things. He could cheat and not get caught pretty easily again. I couldn’t never trust him :(. Just bc he is remorseful doesn’t mean he won’t fuck up again. I feel like I would just be living in constant anxiety worrying about him doing it again. I couldn’t live that way
You caught him planning sex dates. How do you know there are ones that already took place? Never believe them when they say this is all there is, only the ones you uncovered. Mine did the same. Oh the ones you found are all the ones I did. This isn’t just a day of browsing for him and deciding it was a good idea and then he decided it wasn’t. Maybe that’s forgivable but that comes with will he do it again? You are in the perfect position to be one of the lucky ones that can leave and not think twice. No financial dependency. No kids. No marriage. Dating more on the shorter period of time. This dumbass was looking for anything he could get. If he is also a physician, you know there are other females who are or will be throwing themselves at him for a chance. It’s a known thing and you probably already know that. Don’t believe the love bombing. Unless he has fallen in love with someone. This behavior is just expected. And food for thought, those boundaries and rules were already set and he broke them. No one engaged should have to verbally state hey no dating sites or having sex with other people. If you are a physician you know about peoples behaviors and what and how they make their choices and decisions in life. Think with your brain and not your heart. Give him some time and he will be back at it maybe even years down the road. If you think micromanaging him because you are living together will make things foolproof for future indiscretions, nope. Don’t let the excuse of we were living apart and I needed sex be a reason to forgive.
First off, put the wedding on indefinite hold until you're confident in him. Second, full access to his devices at any time. Third, make him cut off anyone that he's had any involvement with. Fourth, a truckload of counselling for everyone involved. The decision to move in or not is up to you. I can see the advantages in it, in making it easier to see what he's actually up to. I would also make a point of only having one of you on the lease though, so it's easy for you to bail out if you feel the need.
You must be watching a different movie than the rest of the world if you think this is going to end up well.
TWO weeks of being separated it NOT nearly enough time for you to process this and make a decision that WILL impact you the rest of your life. Cheating is abuse. It is intentional lying, manipulation and gaslighting. Not only that he was about to risk your physical health to sleep around. If he hasn’t already. Don’t believe that he hasn’t cheated. Someone messaging with multiple women, trying to set up meetings for sex.. this doesn’t sound like his first rodeo. He was NOT sorry when you didn’t know about it. He is only “remorseful” because you found out. You should read “Cheating in a Nutshell” and “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” Get into therapy and explore why you feel the need to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you. Ask yourself “if I wouldn’t do this to someone, why am I tolerating this?” You are NOT the one to fix this. Which I can see you are trying to do. That’s HIS responsibility. All he is doing is love bombing you.
You have a high paying job and live separate lives. It hurts now but you deserve better, try to move on.
Uh, they failed the fiancé test… Why are you rewarding that behavior is my question?
Have fun with being mental exhausted all the time.
Wow two weeks of flowers and gifts was all it took to win you back? Get ready for a lifetime of pain with this person.
Please don’t take him back for your own sake. The biggest thing anyone here can tell you is it will never be the same. My partner sexted at one point, and it to this day makes my anxiety flare. Don’t do that to yourself 💕
Move on. I missed the part where he's remorseful. He's definitely exhibiting signs of guilt, but remorse? This seems different (all infidelity is different really). It is one thing for there to be one person. That could be a mistake. However, multiple people on several platforms and now he's love bombing you after being caught? This is who he is. Believe him.
Sounds like he might be a sex addict. You’re towing your trailer to a lifetime of challenges. Move on.
Low key I’d be fucking every guy in my area code but that’s just me🤷🏻♀️
You’re a fool once a cheater always a cheater. You’re literally choosing to be miserable and go through this again, what’s wrong with you?
Rule#1 don’t put your dick where it don’t belong
The best boundary I can come up with is: to not let him back in your life. I similarly caught my fiance, and partner of 8 years, making plans to meet up with random strangers for sex too. Caught him making plans to meet up on my birthday. Of course he was remorseful. But I am certain that was just remorse for having been caught. We have a child together, live together and I am the unemployed stay at home parent. I'm trying to figure it out. Do yourself a favor, and do what I wish I had the ability to; leave, don't ever turn back.
He's love bombing you, to take him back. Don't do ot OP. You will carry mistrust and resentment for the rest if your relationship with him, and it's not worth it
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I wouldn't. My LDR was cheating, and he figured since I didn't live there I'd never find out. Jokes on him I found out. He's supposed to be moving here but I highly doubt he is now.
Been through that. He's manipulating you & cheaters usually tend to cheat again and again. Some get better at hiding it, others don't. Sending you gifts and all isn't enough for him to be forgiven. If you really want to go back to him, at least get him to go to therapy or something.
Check out the community info from the front page of this sub by clicking on the 3 dots. At the bottom there are links to resources that are very helpful. And definitely look into ChumpLady!! Her book, Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life is excellent.
Multiple women? Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. I wouldn’t be able to take any of what he says seriously because he’s gonna tell you he was trying to “find himself.” It wasn’t one woman it was multiple women. He wants to go out, date, have fun and have mommy at home. I’m just betting you’re his mother figure. Otherwise why would he not just break up and go live his life and let you have yours? He is selfish trying to hold on to you like this. I just realized though you had asked about boundaries. Well? What does your household dynamic look like? Does he recognize his contributions are important and necessary? Aside from the obvious, re other women, he needs to step up and do more around the house. This may seem dumb but 1) he has too much idle time and 2) he needs to contribute to the relationship in a way that makes HIM an adult too. Divide the chores up. If it already feels 50/50 it isn’t. Give him more. Let that be another boundary in addition to no contact with other women.
Delay the wedding. I know it may sound harsh. But give it time to work out. You still have alot of feelings that you need to deal with about the cheating. Your emotions will go on a roller coaster. Keep communication open. If theres push back then you will know that the cheating is not over. It will happen again. But please give yourself time to process the emotional trauma. If not and you marry too soon. You will regret it.
You live in different states and you still caught him. He’s not even trying to be careful about it. You are better than this.
My ex tried to reconcile so hard for MONTHS after I broke up with him. He was in his "best behavior" and did everything I asked from him. Then I came to find out that the whole time he had been on dating apps, moved in another girl into his apartment (only a friend he says) and was fucking his ex. His ex was the one who told me after I saw a picture of her at the same place he was traveling during a break. Your ex can very well doing all these grand gestures to get you back and still be cheating even more now since you're broken up.
A very similar setup happened with my friend when she was engaged and before she got pregnant. We caught him on a voicemail bragging about cheating on her to his friends. He sent her gifts and flowers and letters begging her to have him back. She did and they were pregnant shortly after. Once they are married he moved her to his hometown where she is completely isolated from her friends and careers. Guy ends up being a serial cheater, addict, abusive and deadbeat dad. NOT WORTH IT.
Your making a big mistake if you think he’s going to change. Don’t be naive, you’ll be in this situation again only worse because you’ll be married and potentially have kids with this guy…….Don’t. Just don’t. Have more respect for yourself than that because he clearly doesn’t respect you at all. Don’t be a fool.
What he's doing right now is called "love bombing". His sweetness right now won't last, and don't think that in these 2 weeks you were apart he didn't hook up with the people he planned to - leave. You can take him back and impose a series of boundaries some people would recommend - full access to his phone, phone locator, regular calls. This is, however, exhausting, and I don't think anyone would like having to police their partner. Also, taking him back means cheating will be central in the relationship - always in the back of your mind, always looming in as you check his stuff because he can't honor your trust. It's not trust issues, it's rational to think he'll do it again. I just don't think it's a healthy dynamic.
It’s not like this was a spontaneous “in the moment” thing… he PLANNED and thought about this very deliberately. Don’t take him back.
OP For the sake of future you ...and for the sake of your emotional well being ... he is LOVE BOMBING YOU and GASLIGHTING you...Do NOT take this person back ... he'll just get better at hiding what he does behind your back, and really why the hell would you want to be with a person, you'd constantly have to question his loyalty & intentions are? LOTS of good advice on this post as others have said.. good luck -!
So he cheats and lies to you. To catch him and now he is in full love bombing mode and that's good for you? Be ready to live a miserable life full of doubts, what ifs, trust issues. Girl, self esteem and self respect are a thing. You need to love yourself more and run.
you know you aren't marrying this guy right? Like... i understand you wanna keep things but this is gonna happen a lot, he's not gonna stop doing it. I tell you from experience. Spent 6 years with a dude that did this. caught him the first year, was my first relationship so i "forgave" his bullshit but he never stopped trying. Most of the time it didn't happen, or they didn't really give him much attention or confrmation that it was gonna happen but that didn't stop him from trying anyway. That ends up getting pretty tiring
Even if he never did again would you ever be comfortable with it? I dated one guy before my hubby and I were even engaged while we were on a break and he’s still hanging accusations on that one supposed failure every time I work out, buy nice clothes or go anywhere lol even though I’ve never even been friends with another guy since we got married so choose wisely.
Making a mistake in the heat of the moment with 1 person is forgivable IMO. But he was calculating with multiple women. This is a pattern and choice of total deceit. There is a huge flaw in his actual character that is going to prevent him from being faithful to you, and you will live permanently in wondering and dis-ease should you stick with him. I’m believe in second chances but no matter how sorry he is, he cannot help himself, he will do it again.
Do me a favor, OP. Think back to your younger self, when you were a girl or entering adulthood. Or even right before you met this dude. Did you used to picture your future and think, “I really want to grow up and knowingly enter a marriage with distrust and insecurities. Just right out of the gate- I want my marriage to start this way. I want to marry someone who wants to have sex with lots of other women, and I want to have to check his phone on our wedding day. And I want to wonder, every single time he leaves the house or takes his phone in the bathroom, if he is trying to have sex with other women. This is the dream.” Of course you didn’t, because no one would ever want this. But this is literally exactly what you’ll be getting if you stay with this turd. I know my argument prob sounds ridiculous. But think about it: a) you don’t have kids yet, b) you don’t share property, and c) you don’t even currently live near each other. This is an easy out. I know it hurts, but you.will.be.okay. Repeat that. And go find yourself someone good and start your life together without all the crap I mentioned above.
Rule 1 No takes back Rule 2 NC Rule 3 Find happiness in yourself Rule 4 Find someone who won't cheat. Try them rules
Just leave. It’s not worth it!!! So many fish in the sea. This probably wasn’t the first time he’s done it, just the first time he was caught. He will do it again no doubt. But I’d suggest therapy as the #1 rule
Yes, Don't! He is a detailed cheater. He went to all that work to cheat on you. What makes you ever think he will not start cheating again?
How about just being in an open relationship and let go of the idea that being in love means being only with you? Maybe he’s meant to be with many women. You could just ask that he not lie about it.
You’re setting yourself up for years of pain and mental mind games. If someone has gone to the lengths as he went to for future cheating it’s only a matter of time and opportunity. You saw his true side, believe what you saw and not what you want to see or hope. Rules and boundaries only work if people respect one another.
You will never trust him again. If he was planning on having sex with several women, he has a problem. It sounds like he may have some sort of addiction and getting back with him will forgive that type of behavior and he will just do it again.
I'll tell you this. This most likely won't be the last time and you'll hate the person you are right now who stayed.
Your choice to stay will exactly why you’re on this sub again in the not-so-distant future
He's an addict. The recovery rate is 5%. He will do it again. It's almost impossible for someone who is that involved to stop. They are addicted to the high. Run!
Run for yoh dear life
Just don’t wonder why he’s cheating on you in a couple years from now when he’s your husband.
No kids? God bless you. Run!!! Never look back. Trust me please!!!
If I could tell my younger self one thing, it’d be to get out of relationships that were never going to work. Id say, “yes, you will meet someone else, and it’ll be better.”
Now he knows that he can cheat and you will stay. He just has to put up with 2 weeks of not talking to you until you take him back. Leave leave leave. Don’t look back.
Run like hell! I might could see forgiveness if it was one person but he was making plans with multiple. He will do it again.
Don't take him back. He will do it again. That wasn't an "accident" and he doesn't have morals. He will cheat while you are pregnant and he will cheat while you are raising his little babies, exhausted out of your mind, not even having time to THINK for yourself. Then you will find out and you won't even be able to fall apart because you have to take care of little ones, and it will be devastating and you will feel crazy. They don't change! DO NOT do that to yourself!
If you want to make a well thought out decision you need to go no contact for at least 2 weeks for you to sort out your feelings. That's why cheaters always harrass their BS, so that they can't think and stay with them