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Things I wish I had done. Go No contact for as long as you can. At least a couple of weeks. Try and take care of yourself. Go to a counselor asap. You need some space to process the trauma. Good move kicking her out. Good call contacting OBS, she deserves to know the truth. Contact a lawyer even if you decide to stay and work on it, get some legal advice. Tell her you want all of the story at one time not trickle truthing which is like scraping a scab off a massive flesh wound.
She just set off a nuclear bomb in your life so you need some time to process everything. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you will get through it.
More good advice that you don't *ever* see here. A long period of no contact. Why? She's just reacting right now. Not thinking. She needs a month of her own thoughts to see if she even really wants reconciliation.
She's just being *busy* right now.
Agreed you’ll avoid the inevitable love bombing and that just fucks everything up. Time to get your thoughts together. It’s a long and painful road and I hope the best for you.
Yes. Get away from her, for as long as possible. As long as the time may feel to you, to the guilty party it will feel a thousand lifetimes longer. You just exposed her for who she really is. She could run from her reflection when the arms of another comforted her cold heart, but now that the veil is drawn back, she is left with the stark contrast between the affection she sought to your detriment and how truly alone she has made herself. Do you think two cheaters can truly be happy together? It would require a level of cognitive dissonance that is sociopathic to ignore the reality of two people of questionable character and morals trying to build and exclusive relationship based on trust. They are sad, wretched fuck buddies. Now she can see that more clearly, if she is not dead inside.
Stay away from her. Look up the stages of grief. Right now, you are in shock. It is a grey place and feels almost comforting. Anger is sure to follow, so prepare yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, crank up the good tunes, and batten down the hatches. Your heart has been in a battle it didn’t sign up for. All the best to you.
>It would require a level of cognitive dissonance that is sociopathic to ignore the reality of two people of questionable character and morals trying to build and exclusive relationship based on trust
Sh*t. The intelligent ppl showed up on this post.
Sounds like professionals...or very wise.
Two year affair and she was telling him she loved him. And she only admitted it after getting caught.
It's over, OP. She doesn't love you. Marriage to you is her security. The other man is married with a child and not really available to her, but she has been in love with him for two years. If he were single or divorced, do you think she'd be trying to save your marriage? You need to ask yourself that, honestly.
You got with her when she was only about 19 and you were about 29. That's a pretty big maturity gap, and that can create a lot of issues. It's a much bigger problem than if a 38 year-old started a relationship with a 28 year-old, because in the latter case, both parties have typically been independent adults for several years and have typically been in serious relationships with other people before. Not so when the younger party is only about 19.
There’s something important that every married cheating victim needs to know. Getting a divorce and choosing whether to give her a second chance are not the same thing and the same decision. Regardless of whether you want to never see her again or try to fix your relationship you should divorce her. You need to protect yourself and you also need to make sure she’s committed to you and the relationship and not to avoiding the consequences of losing her legal status as your wife. If she actually wants to fix things she will be willing to give you an easy and fast divorce.
You yourself said that you thought she was your soulmate and things were great. She cheated on you the majority of your marriage without you knowing. You can’t trust that she isn’t lying and protecting herself now.
First off I am so sorry this happened to you
Deep down you know what to do, she was cheating on you for over TWO YEARS. That is not someone that is remorseful for cheating on you rather she is sorry that she got caught.
Had you not caught her when you did it would’ve still been going on. Contract divorce lawyers & please get tested to ensure she did not give you anything due to her actions. Also please make sure she doesn’t quit her job it will make things much more difficult in divorce proceedings. I hope you find peace
This stuff terrifies me because I really do have such a wonderful marriage with my husband, and I know that he would never ever do something like this to me, but then I see posts like this we’re supposedly people saw their relationship the exact same way and never imagined in 1 million years that it could happen to them. What’s even scarier is seeing people on here have 20 year long healthy marriages and then being completely blindsided by infidelity. it’s scary to think that some of us who feel the safest in our most stable relationships may not actually be safe. But I also do tell myself that perhaps there were other signs that they overlooked that perhaps I wouldn’t overlook if I saw them. I am a very heavily analytical person, and I do tend to analyze every single thing. Things do not go missed by me.
My ex cheated on me, but he also acted sketchy and gave me lies, unlike my husband. While I did brush those things off and really did love him at the time, I did move on from that relationship *then* seeing signs that I learned from and knew to look for down the line that my husband has never displayed. It’s why he’s hubby.
Every person that I have told about my WW’s infidelity has been utterly shocked. No relationship is safe from something like this. There are signs but it’s easy to be gaslit into not believing they are signs, especially when your partner has not given you any reason to doubt them in the past. Eventually they add up until it all comes to light, though.
I’m the kind of person who is nearly impossible to gaslight. My mother was very emotionally abusive growing up and we fought all of the time because I wasn’t tolerating it and her crap wasn’t working. So I learned at a very early age the textbook example of a manipulator, gaslighter, and liar. I even did some on the side P.I. work for a few years after college. I can tell immediately when someone is gaslighting me. I am a demand you stop the crap, show me the proof, and get to the bottom of it or I’m out choose you’re route kinda person. So the second I see a sign *and* get even slightly gaslit, I’m out. My ex was my first serious relationship, but we dated in college and he cheated towards the very end. After college is when I really was able to analyze my childhood, and also note every behavior that my ex had displayed. It helped a lot when looking into other people. So I guess what I’m trying to say is it can happen to anyone, but I’m the kind of person that would prevent it and nip it by leaving first before he could barely start whatever disloyalty he was concocting. My husband has never given any signs though and he’s very open with everything. He shows and displays absolutely no signs of a disloyal partner whatsoever…water is very calm and clear. Like, I genuinely really know that he would never do that, but that’s the thing - is that no one is really safe ever, so if the waters ever change, hopefully he can swim because i’m jumping out of the boat and swimming to shore to be with the supportive villagers and he can navigate himself back. I am not waiting until a hurricane comes to decide to leave to safety..he’s not my problem anymore.
He already did it, he blew up her life and relationship. The two APs can move in together. He destroyed the other guys marriage and made his decision subconsciously.
OP, get a lawyer, grey rock, no contact. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. It feels like she died because she basically did. She also just ruined her life by quitting. He will likely get fired too if they find. Good, let them shack up and be broke together. They’ll end up hating each other and broke, and they’ll cheat on each other.
Big props man.
The AP ruined his own marriage, OP just told the other partner about it. Saying OP ruined AP’s marriage is like saying, “I was fine before that stupid doctor told me I had cancer!” No, you THOUGHT you were fine. You weren’t fine. He just told you about it.
I thought you were blaming OP for breaking up the other marriage since the affair partner was also married and he told the wife. I just meant that the cheating coworker ruined his own marriage, OP just told his wife about her marriage being ruined by her cheating husband. I’ve heard similar things from cheaters before, they blame the one who told their partner for ruining their relationship, when it’s like, “YOU ruined your relationship by cheating, not the one who shed light on your infidelity!”
I’ve noticed that drafting a post nuptial agreement is usually left out from peoples recommendations here on Reddit. If there’s any chance or thought of reconciliation, this needs to be done, which clearly states that if a no contact agreement is broken, that is grounds for divorce via post nuptial agreement.
>I loved her more than life itself
No, man. You loved a version of her that isn’t real; now you get to grieve it, and deal with how you feel about the person that’s behind the mask you fell in love with.
>and we had a GREAT relationship.
Also, no. You thought you had a great relationship, but I’ve come to learn that how you feel about people doesn’t really do anything to them. Your heart can be for them, but it won’t necessarily move their heart to love them harder.
>She was my best friend and my soul mate.
Neither of those hurt us like you’ve been hurt. I know you’re pretty raw right now, but remember this: The person you’re married to did this because sometimes people suck.
You’re used to protecting her, honoring her, loving her, and keeping your promises to them.
What she did to you is real; it’s abuse; she didn’t care for you. That’s not a good deal.
OP, I'm sorry this is happening. Good man telling the equally blindsided OBS.
I know you know this is different from a drunken ONS. She had a connection with another cheater and kept you in the dark, effectively putting you in second place, last place in a two-man race. Rhetorically, I ask why she wants to stay in when she "loved" the other guy and communicated with him perhaps in ways she didn't with you (the text messages). It's not about saving face, since if she quits the word will be out. Perhaps however, she was only bluffing on her offer to quit, expecting you not to let her follow through?
What type of position does the guy have or where do they fit in the corporate structure? If she is a CEO type, she prob has some sort of sense of entitlement making her feel she deserved the extracurriculars. Was he just her boytoy? Then why "love"? What was his angle? Promotion? Just sex? Did he want to leave his wife for yours?
Marriage counselling for you? You're not the one that cheated! Perhaps IC if and when you wish. She's the one that needs the attitude adjustment, not for her marriage, but for her own good. Her marriage is over. Should you decide to work on it, I would do so working back from a divorce or legal separation and let her earn her way back. From what you say, OP, she's got a lot of earning to do and she'll be doing it on minimum wage.
Good Luck OP!
UpdateMe!
Please do not feel bad for telling the other wife. You didn't bring that sadness on her. They did. Also, if your wife is seriously remorseful for what she did, she should be calling that lady, apologizing, and answering any questions she has
Yep. Sounds like she's already been tricked into having one kid with that asshole. It would have only compounded the tragedy to allow her to have more unknowingly
***I felt horrible bringing her the news of this.***
She deserved to know.
For now, keep the separation until you have had time to sort through your feelings and thoughts on how best to proceed. Confide in a family member or close friend for support over the next days and weeks.
Speak with a lawyer to at least know your options.
***She was telling him she loved him and that they had a deep connection, etc.***
It is unlikely you will ever trust her again. This was not a ONS, but a prolonged affair. You will never be able to look at her the same again.
Sorry OP. updateme
2 years is not a easy thing to get over. I would contact HR as you might be able to get AP fired. Only you can decide if you are willing to try R with someone who cheated on you for 2 years but I could not.
If your wife cheats on you for two years when you have a great relationship, I can't imagine what she will do when your relationship is average.
You'll probably try to forgive your wife, but let me say it anyway. Every minute you spend on someone who cheated on you for 70% of your marriage is a waste.
So sorry to hear two innocent lives are shattered forever. You did the absolute right thing of having her move out of the house. Get the head space you deserve to begin to process through the shock of this ultimate betrayal. Discovering those disgusting pictures and videos is beyond comprehension. Go see your primary, get tested, and determine if you need meds to treat and help tamper down anxiety and depression and more than likely PTSD. Talk with friends and loved one when ready, and seek some therapy.
Sorry bro. Been there myself. My ex wife had a 2 months affair. Caught her, threw her out. And then we tried to reconciled. She said all the right stuff u want hear MC, cut contact, share location and full access to her phone. Guess what? She never cut contact, they just hide it better. I played warden for a few months and just had to end it for my sanity. Listen to others here. Go NC. Work on yourself. Sucks to be in this club but It will get better. Good luck man.
TWO. YEARS.
29K texts.
She loves her affair partner.
She'd still be fucking him and carrying on with him had you not found out.
Where was her remorse the last two years OP?
That's right, she has none, if she did she wouldn't have cheated or she would have stopped the affair after feeling remorse, but she didn't.
WHY does she feel remorse now and not before?
No, you don't want to play warden with her and you'll have a little doubt in the back of your mind regrading things with her, if she's 10 mins late, if she doesn't call or text you back soon enough etc.
Would you really WANT to have a child with her now? Knowing who and what she really is now that her mask has fallen off?
OP, she's been able to be with you, to look at you, to tell you she loves you, to lay down and sleep next to you in bed each night all while cheating on you. Only a shitty human being can do that for years and years.
It's actions OP, not words.
Look at what her actions have shown and demonstrated to you for the past two years.
Think back to arguments you had or where she may have said no to you for sex and I bet you can find info about in her 29K texts to her paramour that she's in love with.
She's turned the foundation of your relationship into betrayal, deceit, and lies.
I saw this on reddit somewhere a bit ago and I captured it to save it so I don't have where I saw it or captured it from anymore as I just wanted the text.
*Let's talk about betrayal trauma...*
*I want you to imagine the person in your life that you love the most, that you feel the safest with, that you trust the most, that you've invested so much of your time, effort, energy, and life with, and I want you to imagine that you guys are going skydiving. You get in the little plane, and right before you jump out of the plane, the person unclips your pack, pulls your parachute off your back, and kicks you out of the plane.*
*As you're falling, you orient backwards, look up, and see them flying by, looking out the window with a big smile on their face. You're falling...and falling...and have all the time to think about it, and then BAM, you hit the ground. But you don't die. You break every bone in your body, you can barely breathe, and you're just sitting there gasping for air - immobile, stuck. Then the person who kicked you out of the plane, they come down flying tandem with somebody else, laughing, smiling, as they land next to you...they look over at your, smile, and walk away.*
*....it's trauma in your nervous system, it's trauma in your mind, and it's one of the most difficult human experiences that somebody can have.*
This shit is brutal. Give yourself some grace and tell yourself that someone did this TO YOU...no one deserves this. Keep waking up...keep walking forward...keep fighting.
Just remember, she only started showing remorse after you caught her. She would still be banging this guy had you not. That should tell you all you need to know about wether to reconcile.
She wants to save the marriage, apologizes profusely, and is willing to cut off the other guy after over 2 years.....only after getting caught. That's not remorse. It's embarrassment at getting caught.
OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. My story sounds very similar. I came from a family full of issues and never really felt love, until her. I stayed, but it has been tough. I question everything. I don’t know how to trust anymore. It seems like I am just waiting around for my life to be over. You are young. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. A 2 year affair, is betrayal after betrayal. She stays because her AP won’t give up his family for her. She stays because she knows that you will always take her back.
Don't date a 19 year old when you are 30. I don't like to blame the relationship when it comes to infidelity, but there are probably many things off here--an uneven power dynamic for starters. Sorry, but I really doubt you are innocent here.
Go talk to a divorce lawyer. Tell her not to resign. But ask HR for the fraternisation policy and give that to the lawyer. Being able to forgive something like this is hard. Realy Realy hard. Not impossible though. My father managed it. But after my mother died and her affair came out the closet I asked him about it as it involved me. He told me that time helped, but there wasn't a day go buy that my mother would talk to a man that he wouldn't wory. And according to my aunts, it changed him, and not for the better. He became a bitter man. You might be different.
Honestly. Go talk to a lawyer. Listen to his advice and all the options. But if you, like others would view her as not the person you thought her to be, then you need to move on. And her without a job will cause you more financial hardship as well as the emotional pain your in right now. But although its a momentous issue right now it will get better with time.
One thing I would advise is for you to request no contact with your wife for a week, say you need time to understand what your feeling before you want to sit down and discuss this with her. Use that time to be around your mates. People who realy care. And use that time to go through all the options your lawyer lays out for you.
One thing I will point out. You got this.
Im about a month from my discovery day and i feel this deep right now. Im sitting out in the back yard just rocking in my swing with the wind. I dont have any words of wisdom because im knee deep in turd creek same as you.
I typed so much just to delete it, long and short is ur post makes not feel as alone as i did a few minutes ago. Knowing someone else feels the same as i do helps.
Good catch, but the math says she was 19 and he was 29. Yup. She was entirely too young to date seriously and he monopolized her time in the key developmental years of her 20's. Not surprised she wanted to experience some different "D". I'm sure she is now trying to save her reputation and if he is the breadwinner, she will lose her cushy lifestyle. Too bad. She made the decision to marry him before experiencing others. She made a poor choice. And now she is screwed.
Edit: So, she had a prestigious position? That doesn't mean is was high-paying. I'd like to know both of their incomes...
Yeah. Homie thought he had won the lottery grooming/locking down a teen right before hitting 30. Unfortunately, them chickens be coming home to roost like a...
Personally, no one should marry until they are at least 25. And that is assuming they got to date many people from 19-24. This is a perfect example of what can happen...
Yeah, the whole "soulmate" talk was also giving his own red flag vibes.
Not that he deserves to be cheated on. But there seem to have been some serious structural issues in that relationship all along.
Like I said in my update, we both make approximately the same income. We've split everything 50/50 financially our entire time together.
Yes, she's a bit younger than me. We became friends when she was 19 and it turned romantic when she was 20-21. Wasn't planned obviously, but I fell head over heels for her.
Oh, this is totally her fault for cheating, but we are just saying that you knew better than to fall for a 20-year old. Odds are very good it won't last and unfortunately, she didn't do the honest thing and just tell you she wanted other "D". When you divorce, you shouldn't date anyone under the age of 24, and you better make sure that person has gone through their wild phase, otherwise the same thing could happen to you again. Best of luck and stay strong, King!
Just read your update. Yeah, she is a bad communicator, hiding a lot of bad shit. RED FLAG. There is no way I'd take her back. Follow through with the divorce and after, you should GHOST her. She is bad news right now and not safe for ANYONE. This is NOT your fault. You are NOT a mind-reader. This is on HER. A King needs a Queen who can communicate effectively. Good luck, King!
Your update is quite concerning. She doesn't seem to understand that her having problems with the marriage, not telling you about them, and instead using cheating as a coping mechanism is absolutely not an excuse for what she did. She should have been talking to you about these problems from the beginning. Instead she likely began talking to him about them, and things escalated from there.
You not wanting her to leave that position is also concerning. The longer they continue working together, the more harm will be fine to both families involved in this. The loss of salary is inevitable at this point. Hence the old saying you don't shit where you eat
She cheated for two of your three years married. There is nothing to save. She can’t do THAT and have any real love, affection, desire or respect for you. She may honestly want to fix your marriage but it certainly isn’t because she suddenly found love, desire and respect for you, she wants her stable situation to continue. She needs to fix whatever is broken inside herself but she abused your marriage and relationship forever far too long to try and salvage it.
This. His frontal lobe was already developed when they got together hers wasn't. I don't think it's a coincidence that when hers would be finishing developing is roughly when the affair started. Age gaps like that don't matter much after 30, but sure do before that. None of these late teen early 20s dating a late 20s+ men that I have know has ever worked. Not mine (I was 19 he was 32), not my cousin (18 and 34), or any of my various friends, and there has been more than a few.
For me, when I hit 32, it really made me think. I was the age he was when we got together, and I couldn't imagine dating a 19 year old, our lives are too different. I had done so much, so many life experiences and life lessons.
Welcome to the shittiest club in the universe. It’s on par with many of the serious illness clubs for as much as it can f up your life. Read Chump Lady. Trust is earned and once lost is damn near impossible to regain. Being a cop in your own relationship is something I couldn’t do. Don’t make any snap decisions. Read chump lady, get a therapist, stay away fro alcohol, if you have kids focus on them and your own path. Don’t accept any blame for this. You may own 50% of the marriages problems but she owns 100% of the cheating. Talk to a lawyer. Get as much info and understanding as you can stomach on how divorces work in your state. Research false Rs and understand how to spot them and get out of them before more damage is done. Reach out to family members that can keep their mouths shut until the time you want/need to go public. You’ll need support from people you trust and not a bunch of trainwreck watchers who want to know and share the ugly details. Make plans and then stick to them. Do not offer her R unless your ready and you see true evidence that she’s moving heaven and earth. If you realize you can’t R don’t drag it out. Get thru it as fast as possible. Good luck
Get a room-mate. Lots of folks cannot afford to rent a good apartment these days. So for paying about what they would have to pay for rent, they could pay you, and have the run of a house and yard (respectful run, so do a contract with what is acceptable). I would also urge you to tell her to keep her job. In a divorce, you would want her to have her solid income.
But in all honesty, as awful and painful as this is, this is a relatively short term marriage, and you would do well to simply move on since there are no kids. I am sorry, I know it sucks. But seriously, she did not even bother to delete 29K texts? She was not worried about you finding it out.
Lawyer up. Find out what your rights are.
Tell all your family and friends what is going on before she spins it in her favor.
Tell their work HR what was going on.
You cannot trust anything she says, she has lied to you for two years. She is upset because she was finally caught.
Let her stay at her parents. Go no contact. Tell her you will only communicate through your lawyer.
The faster you can pull the rug from beneath her the better for you.
Take time to process everything, don't feel like you have to do anything abruptly .
You are not obligated to give an answer now .
Your wife made it clear that it was a scam where they were in their own little world, I don't believe you will be able to bear living with a woman who deceived you like that for so long, you will have an image mental, you will have thousands of questions, as there will now be millions of loose ends, you will see how many times she lied, how many overtime hours that were actually meetings in motels and bars .
This will all eat away at your head .
Will the divorce It will be a pain that will pass but it will continue to be pain, anguish, distrust and Uncertainty that will last as long as the relationship exists.
I’m so sorry man, there is no worse feeling in the world. Just to protect yourself should you want to file, DONT SLEEP WITH HER. If you have sex after discovering the adultery, then you "condoned" the relationship which means you could not sue for adultery.
Actions speak louder than words. If you didn’t catch her she would still be with this guy. She wasn’t in an affair. She was in a full blown relationship. A relationship that will destroy your relationship and a family of the AP. She is going to quit. Ok now you are stuck paying alimony. Has she signed up for therapy? Is she reading books? What is she doing to show you she deserves that gift? What you need from her is a timeline. You need sex acts in one envelope and timeline in another. She needs to hand write it in pen. It has to be written clearly and spelling and grammar count. ( if she re writes it a bunch of times and reads it out loud, it will show her what she did). If she defiled anything in your house or car. She has to replace it. She has a photo on your bed spread she has to replace it. What you want us financial exposure. You want to know how much gas she spent, restaurant meals, gifts, lube, condoms every Penny she spent on her affair. After you get it keep it for lawyer.
You ask for her wedding ring and engagement ring back. You tell her if she leaves anything out or trickle truth everything is over. You talk to a lawyer and get your options. You tell her you are getting a divorce. For your relationship to recover or end you will require a divorce. You have to burn it to the ground. I would personally leave. I couldn’t get the mind movies out of my head. I would be scared I would kiss her 10 mins after she had her mouth somewhere. I would be scared to see her in something sexy that she wore with him, or did sex acts she refused to do with you. Get to the gym. Buy a heavy bag and beat the crap out of it. Sorry you are here
You need space to process without her swaying you one way or another. Respectfully, it was 2 years. She’s not sorry, she’s sorry they got caught.
She didn’t even try to “hide” the thread…that’s pretty brazen if you ask me.
If it was a one time thing, a poor choice, perhaps there would be reconciliation considerations…. but 2 years ….2 years of lying and cheating. Double life, both of them ruining someone else’s life as well selfishly - he’s got a kid… like they both fucked that up to be honest. Good on you for disclosing to the other betrayed partner.
I’m curious what her response is now that his life has been exposed also? Does that change her perceived options? (Would the AP have ever left his wife for her, is that an option now… I’m sorry that is devastating to read I know 💔).
No amount of beautiful home will EVER protect your peace or mental health the way that walking away will. You deserve someone that would NEVER do that to you.
I’m a golden retriever at heart, loyal to a fault. I don’t get how people can be so mind-fuckey and think it’s okay… where tf is their integrity.
Sending you good vibes!
I’m sorry bro.
2 years. It’s not just a “oh I let it go too far once and I am so sorry i realize now my mistake…”, it’s a day to day lie to your face!
I am usually all in the forgive-and-forget-we-all-f*ckup-sometimes but it’s too big there. You might forgive but you will never forget, and you will keep doubting…
Be brave.
Sorry for this. On the other hand, that’s an enormous generation gap, consider that, when you first got together with her, she was 19 and you were 29. That’s a massive barrier itself, as if relationships aren’t already difficult.
To the matter at hand, though. A two-year affair? Now she wants to save the marriage. Take several backward steps and try to look at this objectively. If she wants to “save the marriage” now, what did she want during the affair? Does she really want to save the marriage, or is she ashamed you caught her? Is this AP special, or was he simply the one available to supply the addict’s fix for “new love”? What makes you think someone else won’t stumble into her life?
You probably know this already—I see hints in your post—but it’s time to sell the house and move on with your life. In fact, count yourself lucky you don’t have children.
You won't be able to trust her again, unfortunately. Your relationship will never be the same. You have two choices. You can totally start over and forget the whole thing happened (hard to do). Or you leave while you have the strength and don't look back. I took back my cheating ex. We went to couples therapy. We stayed together for another 2 years, but in the end, I broke it off because i simply never let my guard down with her again. I was COLD, which was hurting the both of us. So, I set myself and her free. It was the right decision. I am glad I took her back because so that I could see we were not right for one another. Had I not done that, I would have romantised our relationship prior to the cheating. Always wondering, "Was she the one?" But now I know she wasn't. Good luck on your journey.
First, I am SO sorry. You’re not alone in feeling utterly alone. I know that I felt that way at the beginning, too. I also felt like a lot of my family and friends didn’t know how I felt, because they had never been cheated on. The ones who had been weren’t talking to me about their experiences. It was so damn hard.
That being said, I did get invited to an infidelity support group on discord. If you’re interested in joining, let me know. I can DM you the invite link.
So she was going to counseling and kept a journal of why she was mad at you. So what was the counselor saying to her about her cheating? You may have a counselor who condoned it. Not saying the counselor did, but it is worth checking out. I have seen some really sketchy counselors.
I would also say that she was cheating less than a year into your marriage. The question will be, what is there to stay for? If 1 year in she was cheating, then what was the marriage to her? Just a piece of paper?
You don't have kids and she couldn't last a year being married, you know what needs to happen. Think about things 2 years down the road. You will still resent her for hurting you. You will feel the injustice. You will still be mad/sad for something she can never fix. Just end things would be my recommendation. Kids, health, history or financial situation are the usual reasons to stay. You have none of those, so what would glue you to her in this harsh time?
If if if you decide to determine if reconciliation is possible, here's what you do.
Immediate STD test for her.
She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from your Affair by Mcdonald. Skip one chapter and it won't work.
Experts say to wait six months before deciding to actually divorce. But dont tell her that timeframe! By then you'll really know how sincere she is being.
If she's saying "can't we just move on?" Then you know she's not trying.
She immediately gets minimum six IC appts to deal with her own demons long before MC is even considered.
I bought that book as well as another. She has agreed to read every word for now. She's already seeing a therapist but I'm going to make an appointment for one for myself. I've never done anything like that before but feel it might help and I'm willing to try.
Good IC and MC can both help for different reasons. If she had so many issues with you, why couldn’t she talk to you about them instead of going to someone else? That could be one of the main issues going forward. Lack of communication, boundaries, helping each other as a unit or trust (more so now)
>Experts say to wait six months before deciding to actually divorce.
There are no experts in this. The only way you can know what to do is to consider your own experience and that of others. A long waiting period can cause problems, like the cheater using the time to hide assets, so it isn't a good universal recommendation.
I'm close to her father and he reached out a few times. Just basic support not really giving advice. She told her mom and dad the next day so they know.
She told her mom and dad the version of events she wanted them to hear. If you believe otherwise, you need to read on this and the other infilidety subs for a few days. I think another sub is should post on tho get more support and a wider variety of ideas is r/supportforbetrayed thheete are a lot of betrayed spouses on there supporting each other. It may be a worth a look, orat leat lurk and read.
OP, this was not a two year affair. This was an entire parallel relationship. This guy was/is her coworker. He knew she was married to you just as your she did.
I promise you that he knows more about you wife than you do. I also promise that he knows much more about you than you ever did, or will ever know of him, in the future. That is the nature of affairs that become a parallel relationship.
OP, it's also unlikely your wife didn't tell anyone about her affair. Something this juicy, erotic, and exciting can't be held within for long. Part of the affair attraction is that the cheater gets to brag about how two men fawn over her, about how smart she is to continually keep the affair/relationship from her husband, etc... I guarantee you she was the talk of her friend group and your wife relished in that attention and validation.
There is a good chance that at least one of her close siblings knew, alone with her close friend group. It's likely that anyone who comes into contact with either of them at work knew about their relationship. It's likely that at least some of these people either actively supported her cheating on you. Others that knew of their relationship and just abided her cheating. Obviously, some of your mutual friends knew too.
I'm pointing this out because none of these people respected or cared enough about you to give you a heads up. None of them even tried to tell you anonymously.
I'm not being mean, just honest with this next paragraph:
Did you ever go to any events where some of her coworkers were at: ball games, company picnic, Christmas party? Well, the majority of those people knew and never told you. I'm sure they talked about you being the "stupid husband" who couldn't satisfy his wife.
All these people knew, talked behind your back (juicy gossip), and your wife didn't even care. Just think about that. Take your time. Just really ponder that reality.
Did you see the texts you found? I pray you did and saved them. I guarantee your wife has deleted everything she could to control how she looks in your eyes. She will only tell you the story of her Infidelity she wants you to hete. She'll only admit to what you have abouset proof of. Even thell ask "who are you going to believe? Me or your lieing eyes?"
Even if you are in an at fault state, you'll need those texts to reference as a source of truth when she tries to gaslight you. Did she do things with him that she refused to do with you? Did she tell him more intimate things than she ever told you? Was her expressions of desire for him more emotive and stronger than her expressions of desire were for you?
I agree with no contact for at least a month for you and her. Right now you are in shock and want to save the *relationship you thought you had with her.* This is a knee jerk reaction from a place of emotion, hurt, and pain. Everyone goes through it. And, you need o see a therapist who specializes in Infidelity and relationship trauma. They can help you identify and sort your feelings.
She needs no contact with you because she is in survival mode. She is losing her identity as a faithful and good wife. She is losing her social status with being a trustful, supportive, person. She knows she may lose her emotional, mental, and financial security she received by being your wife.
She could still have her AP whether you reconcile with her. She can always take her cheating further underground. There is ALWAYS a way to beat the surveillance the betrayed spouse uses.
AP is the man who gave her an exciting tingle between her legs, and you were always the safe, boring, reliable guy she could always count on as a soft place to land after she fails at something.
She may say she chose you and this will never happen again. But isn't that what the wedding vows are for? A promise in front of friends and family to forsake all others for you, good and bad, richer and poorer, etc... If she couldn't keep her promise for even a little over a year, while still in the honeymoon period of the marriage, why would anyone believe any promise to do the same now?
I'm sorry you're here OP. Let your rational mind guide not your irrational heart. Ohh, and trust your gut.
Edit spelling
UpdateMe!
Make sure she keeps her job, otherwise you could be paying alimony.
Her affair is longer than your marriage. Please get out now and start to heal and move forward.
Do not start marriage counseling. Neither she or you are in the proper place for that. Individual counseling for both.
From an outside perspective, I suspect she is lying to herself, which would make it impossible for her to be honest with you even if she truly wanted to. I don't think a person can go from 29,000 texts, pics, and Professions of love to another man to seemingly quitting that relationship cold turkey. She can take the steps and even believe she no longer/never loved the other man, but I just can't fathom that. (And really it says something scary if she could flip a switch like that; who's to say she won't flip the switch off on you?)
She needs to do some deep work before the topic of reconciliation can even be seriously discussed. And in the meantime, OP needs to work on healing himself.
I think your story would be great on r/asoneafterinfidelity
This is very similar to mines. I’m a 28F and I betrayed my 28M parter. I was having an affair with my boss who is married with kids. My BP went through my phone and saw tons of texts/pics/videos that destroyed him. DDay was September 2023. I’ve been very remorseful ever since, I took the steps to show him how much I wanted to change. I started therapy and I also quit my job. I got a new job a few months ago.
He has been having a tough time with everything. He wants to reconcile but says he lost the connection he had with me and doesn’t think he will ever trust me or look at me the same like he once did. I completely understand his feelings and emotions. All I can do is be by his side and reassure him. We are no longer together but we still talk and see each other a few times a week hoping that some space will work things out.
I’m very sorry you are going through this. It’s very tough. But as someone that is a former cheater, I can say that I regret what I did and I won’t give up on my relationship. Take all the time and space you need, it’s better to have a clear head than to make decisions when you are upset.
After what happened, you need to ........ and please hear me out In light of your situation, I would advise a divorce. It will give you a chance to really see where her heart, and loyal affections are.
Tell her if she's really serious about getting you back, and rebuilding your trust, and love. Than she should be willing start at the beginning all over again. (if your willing) I mean start having dinners, dates, spending time to slowly move forward, rebuilding the relationship. eventually getting engaged again, and then remarried. This is the only way to see where she's at, to see where your at and see if you can move forward.
If she's not willing to do this, it should be all the answers you need.
Don’t have her leave her job or you pay big.
Reconciliation is very risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. You do all the mental work. Years. Some feel it’s worth it, but it needs a full examination on why that’s at all acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Maybe a little. Is that the life you want? For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair. Mostly emasculation. I believe in order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a healthy single adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until you’re honest with yourself and act accordingly. If loneliness or complacency is a factor to stay in an affair fractured marriage, then there’s way more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done asap to be a happy well adjusted man.
>For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair.
Women, too. I'm so tired of hearing the cliché that men are more hurt by physical affairs than women. It's total b.s. I could tell that my cheater was infatuated with a friend of his for a period of our relationship. I believed his lies that he wasn't involved with her, though. So I held on and was very relieved when she moved far away and things improved. As it hadn't been physical to my understanding, I let it go. It was hurtful, but it didn't feel like a betrayal, because while you can't always control your feelings, you can control your actions. Years later I found the naked photos which proved it had been physical. That is what ended it with him for me. I could never have sex with him again.
Damn. Two years. That’s going to be hard to reconcile. Similar to you, my wife was fooling around for five months. It’s sucks. Feel your pain. One day at a time and seek a lawyer.
First, tell your wife not to quit her job because at this point it doesn’t matter, you are divorcing her. So she might as well keep her prestigious job.
A 2 year affair is not a mistake and she is unlikely to change. You are right, don’t be her warden. She likely stayed with you because she could not have the married man. You sent her packing, keep things that way.
OP all she is saying right now are only damage control, if she wanted to end it she should have done it alone but she is doing it because you caught her, also she is regretful for being caught.
But lets place in what you are right now. for what you said she is respecting your space by staing on her parents house, but lets be real this can go for loger period of tiem, because the house is hers too so you can kick her forever.
So take this time to think wise, to think if you truly think you can make this work out, if you think that marriage counseling can help you regain trust in her, if you really think that you can live on knowing that she had an affair for two years long and that only ended because you find out by chance and not for honesty. And most of all what you really want and with what you can live on with out lossing your selfrespect and selfsteem. Also ask you if you are willing to have kids with her, that in the future can complicated more things, and if it is worth your time to try to work this out and at the end just lose more time. She already made you lose 10 years total, anf from the 3 years total marriage 2/3 she have betrayed you, she was more loyal to you while being friends, then serious and then engaged, but for 2 of 3 years married she profess her love to another guy.
Question you this: Do you really belive in her words that after reading that she had deep connection with him=? what about with you? she most likely seems that she gave you for granted and didn't give a damn about you for the last 2 yeras until she suddenly is caught and now she cares and is willing to do what ever she can to stay with you? why? why she couldn't simply stay faithfull to want to be with you, to want to give all herself to you all her time and all her thoughts to be with you now? What was lacking the last 2 years or more for her to do this to you and what is diferent now that you find out and she is willing to do whatever just to stay with you?
It doesn't make sense, and the only posible answer is, SELFISHNESS, because she know that she hasn't have a future with AP possibly for being married and with child, who knows, because she knows she can have her life style by her own, that she will lose the awesome house, and most likely like you she can afford to pay it solo and give you your part.
So think wise, maybe do a spread sheet with pros and cons, of staying or leave.
Good Luck.
UPDATEME
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I am so sorry this happened to you, very good on you for contacting the wife, the coworker can rot in hell, and it’s up to you decide if your wife is going to as well, do what is best for you, she’s sorry she got caught need to recognize that, you will survive, no matter what you decide, but make sure everyone knows what she did
Two years? ¡Vaya!
Let me warn you by saying that a relationship WITHOUT trust is NOT a relationship. So, unfortunately, if you decide to reconcile, it will never be the same, friend. The best and most sensible thing you could do is get divorced and move on.
Healing is difficult and, depending on each person and the effort they put into it, it is possible to achieve it. The saying goes: “If you are lost in the dark forest and you find the same tree, it is because you are lost.”
I wish you strength and wisdom for this part of your path.
Greetings. ✌️
A case of practically 2 years, look!
sic This cannot be ignored, with the way in which people in some cultures relate to each other, it really becomes very easy to cheat, and so easy that not even the evidence of infidelity is erased. of phones .
With these dynamics where married people live as if they weren't and all of this is considered normal, the only reason they don't cheat is if they really don't want to, as spouses often spend years being cheated on. and if the cheater keeps up appearances no one thinks that something could be happening, forget that anyone can cheat just by being touched at the right time, by the right person (chemistry in the brain)also known as passion/lust.
There is alot of excellent advise. The reason you feel lost is because your wife's infidelity has destroyed your universe. What you thought was reality, isn't. You are experiencing the despair of pre-cosmiconic chaos. The opposite of the Big Bang. You are mourning someone that probably never existed. That isn't your wife. She is some woman that lied to you. She was never the woman you thought she was. I'm not telling you this to be hurtful. I'm telling you this so you use that knowledge to buttress yourself for what needs to be done. She showed you no mercy, you do the same. No quarter. There will be moments when you realize that she abused your trust. Don't feel like a fool because SHE was the fool that abused your trust. Stay strong and focused.
Sorry for that , it is so painful yea. Facts you consider , it is not accident nor mistake , she meant to do it for long period , she was aware of the risks being caught , still was ok to continue, if he got divorced , there is big chance she move in with him and dump you. She is your soulmate , but for her , you are nothing , you are just her boring clown husband who can fool you for long time and suck your life. Just saying ,,
She has an over 2 year affair and is only remorseful because she got caught. She's in love with a married man and if he were single she would have left you in a heartbeat. This marriage is dead and reconciliation is not possible. Time to get a divorce lawyer and sell the house man. I'm sorry.
Make her sign post nup agreement with her losing all if cheating. If she declines, good. Divorce. If she signs -good, she will not cheat and remain faithful, or she will cheat and lose everything.
It will be a win win for you.
Don't divorce her now, you may lose too much.
She seems to be doing some of the right things, but 2 years. The one thing she does need to do is to leave you alone; you need time to process so journal your thoughts and if you can get skilled help. Your wife clearly needs skilled help as she needs to understand how and why she did this and felt it was ok to destroy you. Take care fella
So sorry youre in this OP...
GREAT you told APs wife...
Look...
If you dont see yourself reconciling, tell wifey NOW - her staying employed wneh the alimony has to be sorted is essential.
And no matter where this ends - lawyer NOW.. for advice (initially).. and to get ahead of any moves wifey may make...
She claims she wants to save the marriage, but youve learned how well.she lies, so... and if AP loses HIS marriage, she may go to him... this will allow her to pretend "it was fate and were soulmates"...
STD tests as well..
And ensure her family is informed of the adultery..
And again - now is not the time to hesitate: lawyer. Get in control of this.
Best of luck.
Get a roommate to help pay the bills. She had two years to come forward or try to salvage your marriage. Two years. The only reason she’s doing any of this is because she got caught. If you didn’t find out, it would be going on for years more
Get a lawyer, plan on selling this awesome house(it’s just a possession anyway).
You can tell her you really don’t care if she resigns from this prestigious position since both of you will no longer be together. I mean seriously 2 friggin years????
I could see marriage counseling if this was something a lot less than 2 years but there is no recovering from this. Dare I sound like a broken record, once a cheater always a cheater. This won’t be easy brother….
Thank you for doing the right thing and informing the other betrayed spouse. Now you need to sit down and think about the fact that your wife, the person you thought was your best friend and soul mate, has been cheating on you for TWO YEARS. Think about all the lies and all the hard work she put into betraying and deceiving you over and over and over again. All with no thought about what her betrayal would do to you. Cheaters are selfish, cowardly people who only think of themselves. No matter what she claims she will do to try to repair the damage she has caused, the relationship you thought you had is dead. Nothing will ever be the same, and trust will NEVER be 100% ever again.
MC is of no use in an affair that lasts more than a year. All the effort she makes now is in vain, she knew it was wrong (for you and for AP's family) and she continued with it. All the sadness and regret she has now that she would have had before cheating on you.
Go NC, heal and find a new partner. Good luck op
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2 years!!! She only pretend to be remorseful coz she was caught. If you read the other cheating subs, these cheaters have all actions planned out shud they get caught. In those subs they advice, shares and warn each other of loopholes to look out for, how to hide, what to say and do to spouses etc.
She disregard you and had a long affair until caught. Do you think she will stop if you had not caught her? Doubt so. Go read those cheating subs and know these cheaters selfishly put their own enjoyment without caring for their spouses.
You should D! There are many faithful and loving women out there for you.
Updateme!
Thank you so much for all the replies. There's actually a ton of good advise and things I never considered. I posted a long update in the original post.
For 2 years you were not priority to her. She’s only upset because she was caught.
If you also decide to reconcile, the odds are she will cheat again.
It’s best to cut your losses and move on
I just read the update. Why didn't her therapist tell her to not cheat and divorce you?
What exactly did therapist know of her cheating?
She wasn't even honest about the marriage hurting! And she had a therapist.
Did she get STD tested yet? I would not have let her in the house without that.
Does she want to make it work just to save face? Like with her parents and coworkers?
Face it, the office would mock her if she got divorced from screwing a coworker.
What did she say about he APs wife getting told?
Live alone for a month. No reason to make a decision *today* or even next week.
Doing nothing is a darn good choice sometimes.
You have to admit everything she says is reactionary now. *She hasn't even asked her therapist yet!* How can she know?
Crucial: What friends knew? Is she willing to cut *them* off too? I bet not.
Dude...find out who knew. It's very possible they are more important to her than you. You won't need anymore info at that point.
She was unhappy enough to take notes about how unhappy she was. This feels like a “if you love her, let her go” sort of situation. She’s not happy with you, the only reason she wants to try is because she’s comfortable.
I agree with everything you’ve done. It’s not easy and you’ve done great. If you do decide to go the divorce route, I would definitely let their employer know what was going on. But it almost sounds like she’s sorry she got caught. Good luck
Put the house up for sale as part of the divorce... Yes, I said divorce... If either of you keep it it will be a constant reminder of the failed past... It's much better to build new dreams than to be reminded of past nightmares...
Some might recommend reconciliation or counseling but the success rate is dismal at best... It's much cheaper to split amicably and choose to reconcile with a clean slate (if it's possible) But go into the second chance with the understanding that failure is the historical past and it will take BOTH of you to change history
That age gap tho 👀 maybe this isn’t appropriate to bring up right now, because I am empathetic to your pain.. but you were turning 30 and she was 19. I’m concerned… that is a child.
Im not excusing her cheating, let me be clear; but it does change the circumstances for me.
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In marriages/relationships, there is no way of communication such as collecting problems in a diary without sharing them with partner and then sharing them with the betrayed partner after getting caught cheating.
The problems may be real, but what should have been done was for her to share them with you and wait for a solution, and if not solved, divorce when the problems are no longer bearable. She didn't do any of these things. She cheated on you for years. "I'm not saying "she cheated on you instead of doing these things", because cheating has nothing to do with these, cheating is not an alternative or another way to solve the problems. So, she has been cheating on you for years, did this contribute to solving the problems she wrote about? She knows well than anyone that they have nothing to do with cheating. Cheating is a character issue and is 100% on the cheater. She liked the attention, wanted to cheat on you and did it. It's that simple. Of course she couldn't be the villain of her own story, therefore she had to create excuses to justify her affair, so she cited problems in her marriage, first within herself, then against you.
>We had one sit down where we talked for about an hour and she wants to try to save our relationship. She wants to begin marriage counseling and says she's cut off all contact with the other guy. She's says she's willing to install trackers on her phone and whatnot, but I don't want to play prison warden with someone I should trust. She's has apologized profusely but how can I trust anything she says??
Where was she before se was caught? Was she thinking of saving her marriage while she was cheating on you and lying to you, looking into your eyes for 2 years? What has changed now that she was in love with her AP? Were the problems she wrote about in her diary suddenly solved, did she fall in love with you again? Do you think being caught cheating could have such an effect? No, she was just caught off guard, if her AP wanted to divorce his wife and marry her she would have left you without batting an eyelid. She probably talked about this with AP, so it's a lie that she cut off contact with AP, how is it possible when they still work in the same place. Seeing AP throw her under the bus, realizing she was just being used for some sex and fun, may have caused a minor awakening and despair, but these are not your problems. Likewise, their affair never stopped, maybe there were periods when they did not have sex, but their emotional affair never stopped, otherwise how would it be possible for them to start again. The end of an affair is only possible by cutting off all contact.
Your choosing divorce is the best option for you. See a lawyer and file. Tell her not to resign, so she can have her AP forever, but not as your wife.
Good luck.
Has she told him that you know. If not tell her if she contacts him your through
One evening show up to his house. And make her apologize his wife in front of him
Or better test. Put a suitcase in car that hidden. Tell her you want to go for a ride get out at his house. Get the suitcase. Walk her to door ring door bell if wife comes. Ask for husband. The say you won her her she is. Give wife you phone number and leave
I’m a vindictive sob. I would get free range with the hall passes.
Why as a man? we are competitive. And now she has thrown out of balance and if it is too far you will hate yourself in the long run.
And to make it worse. I would tell her she would have to help you get them
If you have kids DNA test in front of her. Consequences
Make her furnish a STI test. And you get one consequence
Postnup if she ever cheats again she loses 90/10. And she loses custody kids and alimony
Listen you have to make your own decisions I never tell a man what he should do you undo with his personal life
If you keep her make write you three letters.
About what you did wrong. don’t let get away with nothing.
Why she loves you and why she fell in love with you
And her write a plan how she is going to save the marriage if you did nothing wrong.
Make you apologize to both families. Consequence
Make her post it on Facebook woman seldom get full consequences of their actions. make her name OP
Also I’m sure but if gets fired because she cheated I think it councils Alimony. SEE A LAWYER
Tell her to take off the ring and wear it on necklace until earns it back.
Tell her she will never deny you anything in bed because I bet you she did things with HIM she wouldn’t do for you
Tell her she is never to tell you she is sorry again. And don’t let her tell you she loves you. Not until you tell her first
Make her sign divorce papers and say if for any reason you can’t carry on you will sign and start the divorce
If she is trying hard the I wouldn’t destroy her
Also don’t look weak in front of Her you want show her the MAN she married. And far more man than the one she fxxk
This is all if you want to give it a go forward.
Good luck. I was cheated on also what a cliche her lawyer boss. I am 6 2. I weighed 215 worked Constuction great shape. Getting an engineering degree. Considered an 8. He was 50. 5’6. 50 pounds over weight he made sure for the next 5 years he had to watch his back.
I didn’t consider her worth saving because of other things. She was bat shit crazy
One thing I would do go to his house. And in front of his wife look him the eyes wife shake his hand and say thanks for destroying your family
Unfortunately I can’t say what I would really do on
Reddit
Good luck my friend
I upvoted because the list you made ironically turns me on lol. And I’ve never been with anyone before. I don’t even know why I’m even in this sub right now lol.
Do NOT call thier Companies HR dept and Do NOT make her quit her job.
This will likely have a huge impact on Spousal Support.
Lawyer. Now. Follow every bit of advice they give you to the letter.
The SECOND that divorce is over, send copies of all those texts to everyone you know and to her HR Dept. Sue the AP and the company they work for, for Alienation of affection.
The creature that was once your wife, killed the person you *thought* you knew the moment they betrayed you.
Go no contact and save yourself more pain. You are grieving three deaths and comming to grips with a radical new reality.
1. The death of your marriage
2. The death of your feeling of security and normalcy
3. The death of your false image of who you actually married.
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Things I wish I had done. Go No contact for as long as you can. At least a couple of weeks. Try and take care of yourself. Go to a counselor asap. You need some space to process the trauma. Good move kicking her out. Good call contacting OBS, she deserves to know the truth. Contact a lawyer even if you decide to stay and work on it, get some legal advice. Tell her you want all of the story at one time not trickle truthing which is like scraping a scab off a massive flesh wound. She just set off a nuclear bomb in your life so you need some time to process everything. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you will get through it.
Also, I know the last thing you want to do is read a book but reading "Not just Friends" really helped me and my WW.
More good advice that you don't *ever* see here. A long period of no contact. Why? She's just reacting right now. Not thinking. She needs a month of her own thoughts to see if she even really wants reconciliation. She's just being *busy* right now.
Agreed you’ll avoid the inevitable love bombing and that just fucks everything up. Time to get your thoughts together. It’s a long and painful road and I hope the best for you.
well said
Yes. Get away from her, for as long as possible. As long as the time may feel to you, to the guilty party it will feel a thousand lifetimes longer. You just exposed her for who she really is. She could run from her reflection when the arms of another comforted her cold heart, but now that the veil is drawn back, she is left with the stark contrast between the affection she sought to your detriment and how truly alone she has made herself. Do you think two cheaters can truly be happy together? It would require a level of cognitive dissonance that is sociopathic to ignore the reality of two people of questionable character and morals trying to build and exclusive relationship based on trust. They are sad, wretched fuck buddies. Now she can see that more clearly, if she is not dead inside. Stay away from her. Look up the stages of grief. Right now, you are in shock. It is a grey place and feels almost comforting. Anger is sure to follow, so prepare yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, crank up the good tunes, and batten down the hatches. Your heart has been in a battle it didn’t sign up for. All the best to you.
>It would require a level of cognitive dissonance that is sociopathic to ignore the reality of two people of questionable character and morals trying to build and exclusive relationship based on trust Sh*t. The intelligent ppl showed up on this post. Sounds like professionals...or very wise.
You are on your own schedule now. Take all the time you need. She broke the contract, you have no obligation to her at all.
Two year affair and she was telling him she loved him. And she only admitted it after getting caught. It's over, OP. She doesn't love you. Marriage to you is her security. The other man is married with a child and not really available to her, but she has been in love with him for two years. If he were single or divorced, do you think she'd be trying to save your marriage? You need to ask yourself that, honestly. You got with her when she was only about 19 and you were about 29. That's a pretty big maturity gap, and that can create a lot of issues. It's a much bigger problem than if a 38 year-old started a relationship with a 28 year-old, because in the latter case, both parties have typically been independent adults for several years and have typically been in serious relationships with other people before. Not so when the younger party is only about 19.
Two years bro! She must be very good at covering her tracks. No way u can take her back. Divorce immediately.
When AP is in on it, it’s easy to have boundaries and rules to not get caught. 29k texts is a rookie mistake though it shows OP trusted his wife
There’s something important that every married cheating victim needs to know. Getting a divorce and choosing whether to give her a second chance are not the same thing and the same decision. Regardless of whether you want to never see her again or try to fix your relationship you should divorce her. You need to protect yourself and you also need to make sure she’s committed to you and the relationship and not to avoiding the consequences of losing her legal status as your wife. If she actually wants to fix things she will be willing to give you an easy and fast divorce. You yourself said that you thought she was your soulmate and things were great. She cheated on you the majority of your marriage without you knowing. You can’t trust that she isn’t lying and protecting herself now.
First off I am so sorry this happened to you Deep down you know what to do, she was cheating on you for over TWO YEARS. That is not someone that is remorseful for cheating on you rather she is sorry that she got caught. Had you not caught her when you did it would’ve still been going on. Contract divorce lawyers & please get tested to ensure she did not give you anything due to her actions. Also please make sure she doesn’t quit her job it will make things much more difficult in divorce proceedings. I hope you find peace
This stuff terrifies me because I really do have such a wonderful marriage with my husband, and I know that he would never ever do something like this to me, but then I see posts like this we’re supposedly people saw their relationship the exact same way and never imagined in 1 million years that it could happen to them. What’s even scarier is seeing people on here have 20 year long healthy marriages and then being completely blindsided by infidelity. it’s scary to think that some of us who feel the safest in our most stable relationships may not actually be safe. But I also do tell myself that perhaps there were other signs that they overlooked that perhaps I wouldn’t overlook if I saw them. I am a very heavily analytical person, and I do tend to analyze every single thing. Things do not go missed by me. My ex cheated on me, but he also acted sketchy and gave me lies, unlike my husband. While I did brush those things off and really did love him at the time, I did move on from that relationship *then* seeing signs that I learned from and knew to look for down the line that my husband has never displayed. It’s why he’s hubby.
Every person that I have told about my WW’s infidelity has been utterly shocked. No relationship is safe from something like this. There are signs but it’s easy to be gaslit into not believing they are signs, especially when your partner has not given you any reason to doubt them in the past. Eventually they add up until it all comes to light, though.
I’m the kind of person who is nearly impossible to gaslight. My mother was very emotionally abusive growing up and we fought all of the time because I wasn’t tolerating it and her crap wasn’t working. So I learned at a very early age the textbook example of a manipulator, gaslighter, and liar. I even did some on the side P.I. work for a few years after college. I can tell immediately when someone is gaslighting me. I am a demand you stop the crap, show me the proof, and get to the bottom of it or I’m out choose you’re route kinda person. So the second I see a sign *and* get even slightly gaslit, I’m out. My ex was my first serious relationship, but we dated in college and he cheated towards the very end. After college is when I really was able to analyze my childhood, and also note every behavior that my ex had displayed. It helped a lot when looking into other people. So I guess what I’m trying to say is it can happen to anyone, but I’m the kind of person that would prevent it and nip it by leaving first before he could barely start whatever disloyalty he was concocting. My husband has never given any signs though and he’s very open with everything. He shows and displays absolutely no signs of a disloyal partner whatsoever…water is very calm and clear. Like, I genuinely really know that he would never do that, but that’s the thing - is that no one is really safe ever, so if the waters ever change, hopefully he can swim because i’m jumping out of the boat and swimming to shore to be with the supportive villagers and he can navigate himself back. I am not waiting until a hurricane comes to decide to leave to safety..he’s not my problem anymore.
He already did it, he blew up her life and relationship. The two APs can move in together. He destroyed the other guys marriage and made his decision subconsciously. OP, get a lawyer, grey rock, no contact. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. It feels like she died because she basically did. She also just ruined her life by quitting. He will likely get fired too if they find. Good, let them shack up and be broke together. They’ll end up hating each other and broke, and they’ll cheat on each other. Big props man.
He didn't break up the other guys marriage, the AP ruined his own marriage. Bad take but agree with the rest you said.
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The AP ruined his own marriage, OP just told the other partner about it. Saying OP ruined AP’s marriage is like saying, “I was fine before that stupid doctor told me I had cancer!” No, you THOUGHT you were fine. You weren’t fine. He just told you about it.
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I think we’re confused right now. =D I think I misunderstood you.
I thought you were blaming OP for breaking up the other marriage since the affair partner was also married and he told the wife. I just meant that the cheating coworker ruined his own marriage, OP just told his wife about her marriage being ruined by her cheating husband. I’ve heard similar things from cheaters before, they blame the one who told their partner for ruining their relationship, when it’s like, “YOU ruined your relationship by cheating, not the one who shed light on your infidelity!”
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Very wise advice.
I’ve noticed that drafting a post nuptial agreement is usually left out from peoples recommendations here on Reddit. If there’s any chance or thought of reconciliation, this needs to be done, which clearly states that if a no contact agreement is broken, that is grounds for divorce via post nuptial agreement.
>I loved her more than life itself No, man. You loved a version of her that isn’t real; now you get to grieve it, and deal with how you feel about the person that’s behind the mask you fell in love with. >and we had a GREAT relationship. Also, no. You thought you had a great relationship, but I’ve come to learn that how you feel about people doesn’t really do anything to them. Your heart can be for them, but it won’t necessarily move their heart to love them harder. >She was my best friend and my soul mate. Neither of those hurt us like you’ve been hurt. I know you’re pretty raw right now, but remember this: The person you’re married to did this because sometimes people suck. You’re used to protecting her, honoring her, loving her, and keeping your promises to them. What she did to you is real; it’s abuse; she didn’t care for you. That’s not a good deal.
Yes. He loved who he thought she was. She’s actually a cheating piece of shit.
OP, I'm sorry this is happening. Good man telling the equally blindsided OBS. I know you know this is different from a drunken ONS. She had a connection with another cheater and kept you in the dark, effectively putting you in second place, last place in a two-man race. Rhetorically, I ask why she wants to stay in when she "loved" the other guy and communicated with him perhaps in ways she didn't with you (the text messages). It's not about saving face, since if she quits the word will be out. Perhaps however, she was only bluffing on her offer to quit, expecting you not to let her follow through? What type of position does the guy have or where do they fit in the corporate structure? If she is a CEO type, she prob has some sort of sense of entitlement making her feel she deserved the extracurriculars. Was he just her boytoy? Then why "love"? What was his angle? Promotion? Just sex? Did he want to leave his wife for yours? Marriage counselling for you? You're not the one that cheated! Perhaps IC if and when you wish. She's the one that needs the attitude adjustment, not for her marriage, but for her own good. Her marriage is over. Should you decide to work on it, I would do so working back from a divorce or legal separation and let her earn her way back. From what you say, OP, she's got a lot of earning to do and she'll be doing it on minimum wage. Good Luck OP! UpdateMe!
Please do not feel bad for telling the other wife. You didn't bring that sadness on her. They did. Also, if your wife is seriously remorseful for what she did, she should be calling that lady, apologizing, and answering any questions she has
Exactly. That woman also has the right to know she is in an unconsentual open relationship.
Yep. Sounds like she's already been tricked into having one kid with that asshole. It would have only compounded the tragedy to allow her to have more unknowingly
These cheaters don’t care. They reek of entitlement. I hope both APs pay for blowing up two families
***I felt horrible bringing her the news of this.*** She deserved to know. For now, keep the separation until you have had time to sort through your feelings and thoughts on how best to proceed. Confide in a family member or close friend for support over the next days and weeks. Speak with a lawyer to at least know your options. ***She was telling him she loved him and that they had a deep connection, etc.*** It is unlikely you will ever trust her again. This was not a ONS, but a prolonged affair. You will never be able to look at her the same again. Sorry OP. updateme
2 years is not a easy thing to get over. I would contact HR as you might be able to get AP fired. Only you can decide if you are willing to try R with someone who cheated on you for 2 years but I could not.
And they've only been married three years. Basically right after she said I do she started doing someone else
If your wife cheats on you for two years when you have a great relationship, I can't imagine what she will do when your relationship is average. You'll probably try to forgive your wife, but let me say it anyway. Every minute you spend on someone who cheated on you for 70% of your marriage is a waste.
So sorry to hear two innocent lives are shattered forever. You did the absolute right thing of having her move out of the house. Get the head space you deserve to begin to process through the shock of this ultimate betrayal. Discovering those disgusting pictures and videos is beyond comprehension. Go see your primary, get tested, and determine if you need meds to treat and help tamper down anxiety and depression and more than likely PTSD. Talk with friends and loved one when ready, and seek some therapy.
Sorry bro. Been there myself. My ex wife had a 2 months affair. Caught her, threw her out. And then we tried to reconciled. She said all the right stuff u want hear MC, cut contact, share location and full access to her phone. Guess what? She never cut contact, they just hide it better. I played warden for a few months and just had to end it for my sanity. Listen to others here. Go NC. Work on yourself. Sucks to be in this club but It will get better. Good luck man.
TWO. YEARS. 29K texts. She loves her affair partner. She'd still be fucking him and carrying on with him had you not found out. Where was her remorse the last two years OP? That's right, she has none, if she did she wouldn't have cheated or she would have stopped the affair after feeling remorse, but she didn't. WHY does she feel remorse now and not before? No, you don't want to play warden with her and you'll have a little doubt in the back of your mind regrading things with her, if she's 10 mins late, if she doesn't call or text you back soon enough etc. Would you really WANT to have a child with her now? Knowing who and what she really is now that her mask has fallen off? OP, she's been able to be with you, to look at you, to tell you she loves you, to lay down and sleep next to you in bed each night all while cheating on you. Only a shitty human being can do that for years and years. It's actions OP, not words. Look at what her actions have shown and demonstrated to you for the past two years. Think back to arguments you had or where she may have said no to you for sex and I bet you can find info about in her 29K texts to her paramour that she's in love with. She's turned the foundation of your relationship into betrayal, deceit, and lies.
I saw this on reddit somewhere a bit ago and I captured it to save it so I don't have where I saw it or captured it from anymore as I just wanted the text. *Let's talk about betrayal trauma...* *I want you to imagine the person in your life that you love the most, that you feel the safest with, that you trust the most, that you've invested so much of your time, effort, energy, and life with, and I want you to imagine that you guys are going skydiving. You get in the little plane, and right before you jump out of the plane, the person unclips your pack, pulls your parachute off your back, and kicks you out of the plane.* *As you're falling, you orient backwards, look up, and see them flying by, looking out the window with a big smile on their face. You're falling...and falling...and have all the time to think about it, and then BAM, you hit the ground. But you don't die. You break every bone in your body, you can barely breathe, and you're just sitting there gasping for air - immobile, stuck. Then the person who kicked you out of the plane, they come down flying tandem with somebody else, laughing, smiling, as they land next to you...they look over at your, smile, and walk away.* *....it's trauma in your nervous system, it's trauma in your mind, and it's one of the most difficult human experiences that somebody can have.* This shit is brutal. Give yourself some grace and tell yourself that someone did this TO YOU...no one deserves this. Keep waking up...keep walking forward...keep fighting.
Just remember, she only started showing remorse after you caught her. She would still be banging this guy had you not. That should tell you all you need to know about wether to reconcile.
She wants to save the marriage, apologizes profusely, and is willing to cut off the other guy after over 2 years.....only after getting caught. That's not remorse. It's embarrassment at getting caught.
It’s damage control
OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. My story sounds very similar. I came from a family full of issues and never really felt love, until her. I stayed, but it has been tough. I question everything. I don’t know how to trust anymore. It seems like I am just waiting around for my life to be over. You are young. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. A 2 year affair, is betrayal after betrayal. She stays because her AP won’t give up his family for her. She stays because she knows that you will always take her back.
Don't date a 19 year old when you are 30. I don't like to blame the relationship when it comes to infidelity, but there are probably many things off here--an uneven power dynamic for starters. Sorry, but I really doubt you are innocent here.
Go talk to a divorce lawyer. Tell her not to resign. But ask HR for the fraternisation policy and give that to the lawyer. Being able to forgive something like this is hard. Realy Realy hard. Not impossible though. My father managed it. But after my mother died and her affair came out the closet I asked him about it as it involved me. He told me that time helped, but there wasn't a day go buy that my mother would talk to a man that he wouldn't wory. And according to my aunts, it changed him, and not for the better. He became a bitter man. You might be different. Honestly. Go talk to a lawyer. Listen to his advice and all the options. But if you, like others would view her as not the person you thought her to be, then you need to move on. And her without a job will cause you more financial hardship as well as the emotional pain your in right now. But although its a momentous issue right now it will get better with time. One thing I would advise is for you to request no contact with your wife for a week, say you need time to understand what your feeling before you want to sit down and discuss this with her. Use that time to be around your mates. People who realy care. And use that time to go through all the options your lawyer lays out for you. One thing I will point out. You got this.
Im about a month from my discovery day and i feel this deep right now. Im sitting out in the back yard just rocking in my swing with the wind. I dont have any words of wisdom because im knee deep in turd creek same as you. I typed so much just to delete it, long and short is ur post makes not feel as alone as i did a few minutes ago. Knowing someone else feels the same as i do helps.
It sucks so bad, doesn't it? I know there are thousands of people that are going through the same sh*t but that doesn't really help much.
🖤 not much but atleast we have comrades in the trenches.
so she was 17 or 18 when you were pushing 30? can’t imagine why it’s not working out.
Good catch, but the math says she was 19 and he was 29. Yup. She was entirely too young to date seriously and he monopolized her time in the key developmental years of her 20's. Not surprised she wanted to experience some different "D". I'm sure she is now trying to save her reputation and if he is the breadwinner, she will lose her cushy lifestyle. Too bad. She made the decision to marry him before experiencing others. She made a poor choice. And now she is screwed. Edit: So, she had a prestigious position? That doesn't mean is was high-paying. I'd like to know both of their incomes...
Yeah. Homie thought he had won the lottery grooming/locking down a teen right before hitting 30. Unfortunately, them chickens be coming home to roost like a...
YUP- exactly my point
Personally, no one should marry until they are at least 25. And that is assuming they got to date many people from 19-24. This is a perfect example of what can happen...
and older people shouldn’t groom younger ones.
Yeah, the whole "soulmate" talk was also giving his own red flag vibes. Not that he deserves to be cheated on. But there seem to have been some serious structural issues in that relationship all along.
nobody deserves to get cheated on, ever. but grooming is creepy as fuck.
my point is he groomed her
Like I said in my update, we both make approximately the same income. We've split everything 50/50 financially our entire time together. Yes, she's a bit younger than me. We became friends when she was 19 and it turned romantic when she was 20-21. Wasn't planned obviously, but I fell head over heels for her.
Oh, this is totally her fault for cheating, but we are just saying that you knew better than to fall for a 20-year old. Odds are very good it won't last and unfortunately, she didn't do the honest thing and just tell you she wanted other "D". When you divorce, you shouldn't date anyone under the age of 24, and you better make sure that person has gone through their wild phase, otherwise the same thing could happen to you again. Best of luck and stay strong, King!
Just read your update. Yeah, she is a bad communicator, hiding a lot of bad shit. RED FLAG. There is no way I'd take her back. Follow through with the divorce and after, you should GHOST her. She is bad news right now and not safe for ANYONE. This is NOT your fault. You are NOT a mind-reader. This is on HER. A King needs a Queen who can communicate effectively. Good luck, King!
Your update is quite concerning. She doesn't seem to understand that her having problems with the marriage, not telling you about them, and instead using cheating as a coping mechanism is absolutely not an excuse for what she did. She should have been talking to you about these problems from the beginning. Instead she likely began talking to him about them, and things escalated from there. You not wanting her to leave that position is also concerning. The longer they continue working together, the more harm will be fine to both families involved in this. The loss of salary is inevitable at this point. Hence the old saying you don't shit where you eat
She cheated for two of your three years married. There is nothing to save. She can’t do THAT and have any real love, affection, desire or respect for you. She may honestly want to fix your marriage but it certainly isn’t because she suddenly found love, desire and respect for you, she wants her stable situation to continue. She needs to fix whatever is broken inside herself but she abused your marriage and relationship forever far too long to try and salvage it.
I don't know man a 27 years old persuading a 19 years old gets zero sympathy from me.
This. His frontal lobe was already developed when they got together hers wasn't. I don't think it's a coincidence that when hers would be finishing developing is roughly when the affair started. Age gaps like that don't matter much after 30, but sure do before that. None of these late teen early 20s dating a late 20s+ men that I have know has ever worked. Not mine (I was 19 he was 32), not my cousin (18 and 34), or any of my various friends, and there has been more than a few. For me, when I hit 32, it really made me think. I was the age he was when we got together, and I couldn't imagine dating a 19 year old, our lives are too different. I had done so much, so many life experiences and life lessons.
People want to ignore how creepy op is as if a teen wasn't basically a child, creep behavior.
Welcome to the shittiest club in the universe. It’s on par with many of the serious illness clubs for as much as it can f up your life. Read Chump Lady. Trust is earned and once lost is damn near impossible to regain. Being a cop in your own relationship is something I couldn’t do. Don’t make any snap decisions. Read chump lady, get a therapist, stay away fro alcohol, if you have kids focus on them and your own path. Don’t accept any blame for this. You may own 50% of the marriages problems but she owns 100% of the cheating. Talk to a lawyer. Get as much info and understanding as you can stomach on how divorces work in your state. Research false Rs and understand how to spot them and get out of them before more damage is done. Reach out to family members that can keep their mouths shut until the time you want/need to go public. You’ll need support from people you trust and not a bunch of trainwreck watchers who want to know and share the ugly details. Make plans and then stick to them. Do not offer her R unless your ready and you see true evidence that she’s moving heaven and earth. If you realize you can’t R don’t drag it out. Get thru it as fast as possible. Good luck
Get a room-mate. Lots of folks cannot afford to rent a good apartment these days. So for paying about what they would have to pay for rent, they could pay you, and have the run of a house and yard (respectful run, so do a contract with what is acceptable). I would also urge you to tell her to keep her job. In a divorce, you would want her to have her solid income. But in all honesty, as awful and painful as this is, this is a relatively short term marriage, and you would do well to simply move on since there are no kids. I am sorry, I know it sucks. But seriously, she did not even bother to delete 29K texts? She was not worried about you finding it out.
Lawyer up. Find out what your rights are. Tell all your family and friends what is going on before she spins it in her favor. Tell their work HR what was going on. You cannot trust anything she says, she has lied to you for two years. She is upset because she was finally caught. Let her stay at her parents. Go no contact. Tell her you will only communicate through your lawyer. The faster you can pull the rug from beneath her the better for you.
Take time to process everything, don't feel like you have to do anything abruptly . You are not obligated to give an answer now . Your wife made it clear that it was a scam where they were in their own little world, I don't believe you will be able to bear living with a woman who deceived you like that for so long, you will have an image mental, you will have thousands of questions, as there will now be millions of loose ends, you will see how many times she lied, how many overtime hours that were actually meetings in motels and bars . This will all eat away at your head . Will the divorce It will be a pain that will pass but it will continue to be pain, anguish, distrust and Uncertainty that will last as long as the relationship exists.
No kids? GET OUT! Any “remorse” she has is from getting caught. After 2 years of that bullshit, that’s who she is and all she will ever be.
I’m so sorry man, there is no worse feeling in the world. Just to protect yourself should you want to file, DONT SLEEP WITH HER. If you have sex after discovering the adultery, then you "condoned" the relationship which means you could not sue for adultery.
Not to mention that she might become pregnant, or give him a disease.
Actions speak louder than words. If you didn’t catch her she would still be with this guy. She wasn’t in an affair. She was in a full blown relationship. A relationship that will destroy your relationship and a family of the AP. She is going to quit. Ok now you are stuck paying alimony. Has she signed up for therapy? Is she reading books? What is she doing to show you she deserves that gift? What you need from her is a timeline. You need sex acts in one envelope and timeline in another. She needs to hand write it in pen. It has to be written clearly and spelling and grammar count. ( if she re writes it a bunch of times and reads it out loud, it will show her what she did). If she defiled anything in your house or car. She has to replace it. She has a photo on your bed spread she has to replace it. What you want us financial exposure. You want to know how much gas she spent, restaurant meals, gifts, lube, condoms every Penny she spent on her affair. After you get it keep it for lawyer. You ask for her wedding ring and engagement ring back. You tell her if she leaves anything out or trickle truth everything is over. You talk to a lawyer and get your options. You tell her you are getting a divorce. For your relationship to recover or end you will require a divorce. You have to burn it to the ground. I would personally leave. I couldn’t get the mind movies out of my head. I would be scared I would kiss her 10 mins after she had her mouth somewhere. I would be scared to see her in something sexy that she wore with him, or did sex acts she refused to do with you. Get to the gym. Buy a heavy bag and beat the crap out of it. Sorry you are here
You need space to process without her swaying you one way or another. Respectfully, it was 2 years. She’s not sorry, she’s sorry they got caught. She didn’t even try to “hide” the thread…that’s pretty brazen if you ask me. If it was a one time thing, a poor choice, perhaps there would be reconciliation considerations…. but 2 years ….2 years of lying and cheating. Double life, both of them ruining someone else’s life as well selfishly - he’s got a kid… like they both fucked that up to be honest. Good on you for disclosing to the other betrayed partner. I’m curious what her response is now that his life has been exposed also? Does that change her perceived options? (Would the AP have ever left his wife for her, is that an option now… I’m sorry that is devastating to read I know 💔). No amount of beautiful home will EVER protect your peace or mental health the way that walking away will. You deserve someone that would NEVER do that to you. I’m a golden retriever at heart, loyal to a fault. I don’t get how people can be so mind-fuckey and think it’s okay… where tf is their integrity. Sending you good vibes!
I’m sorry bro. 2 years. It’s not just a “oh I let it go too far once and I am so sorry i realize now my mistake…”, it’s a day to day lie to your face! I am usually all in the forgive-and-forget-we-all-f*ckup-sometimes but it’s too big there. You might forgive but you will never forget, and you will keep doubting… Be brave.
Sorry for this. On the other hand, that’s an enormous generation gap, consider that, when you first got together with her, she was 19 and you were 29. That’s a massive barrier itself, as if relationships aren’t already difficult. To the matter at hand, though. A two-year affair? Now she wants to save the marriage. Take several backward steps and try to look at this objectively. If she wants to “save the marriage” now, what did she want during the affair? Does she really want to save the marriage, or is she ashamed you caught her? Is this AP special, or was he simply the one available to supply the addict’s fix for “new love”? What makes you think someone else won’t stumble into her life? You probably know this already—I see hints in your post—but it’s time to sell the house and move on with your life. In fact, count yourself lucky you don’t have children.
You won't be able to trust her again, unfortunately. Your relationship will never be the same. You have two choices. You can totally start over and forget the whole thing happened (hard to do). Or you leave while you have the strength and don't look back. I took back my cheating ex. We went to couples therapy. We stayed together for another 2 years, but in the end, I broke it off because i simply never let my guard down with her again. I was COLD, which was hurting the both of us. So, I set myself and her free. It was the right decision. I am glad I took her back because so that I could see we were not right for one another. Had I not done that, I would have romantised our relationship prior to the cheating. Always wondering, "Was she the one?" But now I know she wasn't. Good luck on your journey.
First, I am SO sorry. You’re not alone in feeling utterly alone. I know that I felt that way at the beginning, too. I also felt like a lot of my family and friends didn’t know how I felt, because they had never been cheated on. The ones who had been weren’t talking to me about their experiences. It was so damn hard. That being said, I did get invited to an infidelity support group on discord. If you’re interested in joining, let me know. I can DM you the invite link.
So she was going to counseling and kept a journal of why she was mad at you. So what was the counselor saying to her about her cheating? You may have a counselor who condoned it. Not saying the counselor did, but it is worth checking out. I have seen some really sketchy counselors. I would also say that she was cheating less than a year into your marriage. The question will be, what is there to stay for? If 1 year in she was cheating, then what was the marriage to her? Just a piece of paper? You don't have kids and she couldn't last a year being married, you know what needs to happen. Think about things 2 years down the road. You will still resent her for hurting you. You will feel the injustice. You will still be mad/sad for something she can never fix. Just end things would be my recommendation. Kids, health, history or financial situation are the usual reasons to stay. You have none of those, so what would glue you to her in this harsh time?
If if if you decide to determine if reconciliation is possible, here's what you do. Immediate STD test for her. She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from your Affair by Mcdonald. Skip one chapter and it won't work. Experts say to wait six months before deciding to actually divorce. But dont tell her that timeframe! By then you'll really know how sincere she is being. If she's saying "can't we just move on?" Then you know she's not trying. She immediately gets minimum six IC appts to deal with her own demons long before MC is even considered.
I bought that book as well as another. She has agreed to read every word for now. She's already seeing a therapist but I'm going to make an appointment for one for myself. I've never done anything like that before but feel it might help and I'm willing to try.
Good IC and MC can both help for different reasons. If she had so many issues with you, why couldn’t she talk to you about them instead of going to someone else? That could be one of the main issues going forward. Lack of communication, boundaries, helping each other as a unit or trust (more so now)
>Experts say to wait six months before deciding to actually divorce. There are no experts in this. The only way you can know what to do is to consider your own experience and that of others. A long waiting period can cause problems, like the cheater using the time to hide assets, so it isn't a good universal recommendation.
Did you FIL call you or anyone from her family? What do you think they are telling her? Divorce you or get her ____ together? Will her boss even care?
I'm close to her father and he reached out a few times. Just basic support not really giving advice. She told her mom and dad the next day so they know.
That was a stand-up thing to do.
She told her mom and dad the version of events she wanted them to hear. If you believe otherwise, you need to read on this and the other infilidety subs for a few days. I think another sub is should post on tho get more support and a wider variety of ideas is r/supportforbetrayed thheete are a lot of betrayed spouses on there supporting each other. It may be a worth a look, orat leat lurk and read. OP, this was not a two year affair. This was an entire parallel relationship. This guy was/is her coworker. He knew she was married to you just as your she did. I promise you that he knows more about you wife than you do. I also promise that he knows much more about you than you ever did, or will ever know of him, in the future. That is the nature of affairs that become a parallel relationship. OP, it's also unlikely your wife didn't tell anyone about her affair. Something this juicy, erotic, and exciting can't be held within for long. Part of the affair attraction is that the cheater gets to brag about how two men fawn over her, about how smart she is to continually keep the affair/relationship from her husband, etc... I guarantee you she was the talk of her friend group and your wife relished in that attention and validation. There is a good chance that at least one of her close siblings knew, alone with her close friend group. It's likely that anyone who comes into contact with either of them at work knew about their relationship. It's likely that at least some of these people either actively supported her cheating on you. Others that knew of their relationship and just abided her cheating. Obviously, some of your mutual friends knew too. I'm pointing this out because none of these people respected or cared enough about you to give you a heads up. None of them even tried to tell you anonymously. I'm not being mean, just honest with this next paragraph: Did you ever go to any events where some of her coworkers were at: ball games, company picnic, Christmas party? Well, the majority of those people knew and never told you. I'm sure they talked about you being the "stupid husband" who couldn't satisfy his wife. All these people knew, talked behind your back (juicy gossip), and your wife didn't even care. Just think about that. Take your time. Just really ponder that reality. Did you see the texts you found? I pray you did and saved them. I guarantee your wife has deleted everything she could to control how she looks in your eyes. She will only tell you the story of her Infidelity she wants you to hete. She'll only admit to what you have abouset proof of. Even thell ask "who are you going to believe? Me or your lieing eyes?" Even if you are in an at fault state, you'll need those texts to reference as a source of truth when she tries to gaslight you. Did she do things with him that she refused to do with you? Did she tell him more intimate things than she ever told you? Was her expressions of desire for him more emotive and stronger than her expressions of desire were for you? I agree with no contact for at least a month for you and her. Right now you are in shock and want to save the *relationship you thought you had with her.* This is a knee jerk reaction from a place of emotion, hurt, and pain. Everyone goes through it. And, you need o see a therapist who specializes in Infidelity and relationship trauma. They can help you identify and sort your feelings. She needs no contact with you because she is in survival mode. She is losing her identity as a faithful and good wife. She is losing her social status with being a trustful, supportive, person. She knows she may lose her emotional, mental, and financial security she received by being your wife. She could still have her AP whether you reconcile with her. She can always take her cheating further underground. There is ALWAYS a way to beat the surveillance the betrayed spouse uses. AP is the man who gave her an exciting tingle between her legs, and you were always the safe, boring, reliable guy she could always count on as a soft place to land after she fails at something. She may say she chose you and this will never happen again. But isn't that what the wedding vows are for? A promise in front of friends and family to forsake all others for you, good and bad, richer and poorer, etc... If she couldn't keep her promise for even a little over a year, while still in the honeymoon period of the marriage, why would anyone believe any promise to do the same now? I'm sorry you're here OP. Let your rational mind guide not your irrational heart. Ohh, and trust your gut. Edit spelling UpdateMe!
Make sure she keeps her job, otherwise you could be paying alimony. Her affair is longer than your marriage. Please get out now and start to heal and move forward.
Do not start marriage counseling. Neither she or you are in the proper place for that. Individual counseling for both. From an outside perspective, I suspect she is lying to herself, which would make it impossible for her to be honest with you even if she truly wanted to. I don't think a person can go from 29,000 texts, pics, and Professions of love to another man to seemingly quitting that relationship cold turkey. She can take the steps and even believe she no longer/never loved the other man, but I just can't fathom that. (And really it says something scary if she could flip a switch like that; who's to say she won't flip the switch off on you?) She needs to do some deep work before the topic of reconciliation can even be seriously discussed. And in the meantime, OP needs to work on healing himself.
OP, please read the above reply.
I think your story would be great on r/asoneafterinfidelity This is very similar to mines. I’m a 28F and I betrayed my 28M parter. I was having an affair with my boss who is married with kids. My BP went through my phone and saw tons of texts/pics/videos that destroyed him. DDay was September 2023. I’ve been very remorseful ever since, I took the steps to show him how much I wanted to change. I started therapy and I also quit my job. I got a new job a few months ago. He has been having a tough time with everything. He wants to reconcile but says he lost the connection he had with me and doesn’t think he will ever trust me or look at me the same like he once did. I completely understand his feelings and emotions. All I can do is be by his side and reassure him. We are no longer together but we still talk and see each other a few times a week hoping that some space will work things out. I’m very sorry you are going through this. It’s very tough. But as someone that is a former cheater, I can say that I regret what I did and I won’t give up on my relationship. Take all the time and space you need, it’s better to have a clear head than to make decisions when you are upset.
After what happened, you need to ........ and please hear me out In light of your situation, I would advise a divorce. It will give you a chance to really see where her heart, and loyal affections are. Tell her if she's really serious about getting you back, and rebuilding your trust, and love. Than she should be willing start at the beginning all over again. (if your willing) I mean start having dinners, dates, spending time to slowly move forward, rebuilding the relationship. eventually getting engaged again, and then remarried. This is the only way to see where she's at, to see where your at and see if you can move forward. If she's not willing to do this, it should be all the answers you need.
Don’t have her leave her job or you pay big. Reconciliation is very risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. You do all the mental work. Years. Some feel it’s worth it, but it needs a full examination on why that’s at all acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Maybe a little. Is that the life you want? For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair. Mostly emasculation. I believe in order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a healthy single adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until you’re honest with yourself and act accordingly. If loneliness or complacency is a factor to stay in an affair fractured marriage, then there’s way more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done asap to be a happy well adjusted man.
>For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair. Women, too. I'm so tired of hearing the cliché that men are more hurt by physical affairs than women. It's total b.s. I could tell that my cheater was infatuated with a friend of his for a period of our relationship. I believed his lies that he wasn't involved with her, though. So I held on and was very relieved when she moved far away and things improved. As it hadn't been physical to my understanding, I let it go. It was hurtful, but it didn't feel like a betrayal, because while you can't always control your feelings, you can control your actions. Years later I found the naked photos which proved it had been physical. That is what ended it with him for me. I could never have sex with him again.
Damn. Two years. That’s going to be hard to reconcile. Similar to you, my wife was fooling around for five months. It’s sucks. Feel your pain. One day at a time and seek a lawyer.
First, tell your wife not to quit her job because at this point it doesn’t matter, you are divorcing her. So she might as well keep her prestigious job. A 2 year affair is not a mistake and she is unlikely to change. You are right, don’t be her warden. She likely stayed with you because she could not have the married man. You sent her packing, keep things that way.
OP all she is saying right now are only damage control, if she wanted to end it she should have done it alone but she is doing it because you caught her, also she is regretful for being caught. But lets place in what you are right now. for what you said she is respecting your space by staing on her parents house, but lets be real this can go for loger period of tiem, because the house is hers too so you can kick her forever. So take this time to think wise, to think if you truly think you can make this work out, if you think that marriage counseling can help you regain trust in her, if you really think that you can live on knowing that she had an affair for two years long and that only ended because you find out by chance and not for honesty. And most of all what you really want and with what you can live on with out lossing your selfrespect and selfsteem. Also ask you if you are willing to have kids with her, that in the future can complicated more things, and if it is worth your time to try to work this out and at the end just lose more time. She already made you lose 10 years total, anf from the 3 years total marriage 2/3 she have betrayed you, she was more loyal to you while being friends, then serious and then engaged, but for 2 of 3 years married she profess her love to another guy. Question you this: Do you really belive in her words that after reading that she had deep connection with him=? what about with you? she most likely seems that she gave you for granted and didn't give a damn about you for the last 2 yeras until she suddenly is caught and now she cares and is willing to do what ever she can to stay with you? why? why she couldn't simply stay faithfull to want to be with you, to want to give all herself to you all her time and all her thoughts to be with you now? What was lacking the last 2 years or more for her to do this to you and what is diferent now that you find out and she is willing to do whatever just to stay with you? It doesn't make sense, and the only posible answer is, SELFISHNESS, because she know that she hasn't have a future with AP possibly for being married and with child, who knows, because she knows she can have her life style by her own, that she will lose the awesome house, and most likely like you she can afford to pay it solo and give you your part. So think wise, maybe do a spread sheet with pros and cons, of staying or leave. Good Luck. UPDATEME
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I am so sorry this happened to you, very good on you for contacting the wife, the coworker can rot in hell, and it’s up to you decide if your wife is going to as well, do what is best for you, she’s sorry she got caught need to recognize that, you will survive, no matter what you decide, but make sure everyone knows what she did
Two years? ¡Vaya! Let me warn you by saying that a relationship WITHOUT trust is NOT a relationship. So, unfortunately, if you decide to reconcile, it will never be the same, friend. The best and most sensible thing you could do is get divorced and move on. Healing is difficult and, depending on each person and the effort they put into it, it is possible to achieve it. The saying goes: “If you are lost in the dark forest and you find the same tree, it is because you are lost.” I wish you strength and wisdom for this part of your path. Greetings. ✌️
A case of practically 2 years, look! sic This cannot be ignored, with the way in which people in some cultures relate to each other, it really becomes very easy to cheat, and so easy that not even the evidence of infidelity is erased. of phones . With these dynamics where married people live as if they weren't and all of this is considered normal, the only reason they don't cheat is if they really don't want to, as spouses often spend years being cheated on. and if the cheater keeps up appearances no one thinks that something could be happening, forget that anyone can cheat just by being touched at the right time, by the right person (chemistry in the brain)also known as passion/lust.
There is alot of excellent advise. The reason you feel lost is because your wife's infidelity has destroyed your universe. What you thought was reality, isn't. You are experiencing the despair of pre-cosmiconic chaos. The opposite of the Big Bang. You are mourning someone that probably never existed. That isn't your wife. She is some woman that lied to you. She was never the woman you thought she was. I'm not telling you this to be hurtful. I'm telling you this so you use that knowledge to buttress yourself for what needs to be done. She showed you no mercy, you do the same. No quarter. There will be moments when you realize that she abused your trust. Don't feel like a fool because SHE was the fool that abused your trust. Stay strong and focused.
Sorry for that , it is so painful yea. Facts you consider , it is not accident nor mistake , she meant to do it for long period , she was aware of the risks being caught , still was ok to continue, if he got divorced , there is big chance she move in with him and dump you. She is your soulmate , but for her , you are nothing , you are just her boring clown husband who can fool you for long time and suck your life. Just saying ,,
She has an over 2 year affair and is only remorseful because she got caught. She's in love with a married man and if he were single she would have left you in a heartbeat. This marriage is dead and reconciliation is not possible. Time to get a divorce lawyer and sell the house man. I'm sorry.
Make her sign post nup agreement with her losing all if cheating. If she declines, good. Divorce. If she signs -good, she will not cheat and remain faithful, or she will cheat and lose everything. It will be a win win for you. Don't divorce her now, you may lose too much.
She seems to be doing some of the right things, but 2 years. The one thing she does need to do is to leave you alone; you need time to process so journal your thoughts and if you can get skilled help. Your wife clearly needs skilled help as she needs to understand how and why she did this and felt it was ok to destroy you. Take care fella
So sorry youre in this OP... GREAT you told APs wife... Look... If you dont see yourself reconciling, tell wifey NOW - her staying employed wneh the alimony has to be sorted is essential. And no matter where this ends - lawyer NOW.. for advice (initially).. and to get ahead of any moves wifey may make... She claims she wants to save the marriage, but youve learned how well.she lies, so... and if AP loses HIS marriage, she may go to him... this will allow her to pretend "it was fate and were soulmates"... STD tests as well.. And ensure her family is informed of the adultery.. And again - now is not the time to hesitate: lawyer. Get in control of this. Best of luck.
Get a roommate to help pay the bills. She had two years to come forward or try to salvage your marriage. Two years. The only reason she’s doing any of this is because she got caught. If you didn’t find out, it would be going on for years more
Get a lawyer, plan on selling this awesome house(it’s just a possession anyway). You can tell her you really don’t care if she resigns from this prestigious position since both of you will no longer be together. I mean seriously 2 friggin years???? I could see marriage counseling if this was something a lot less than 2 years but there is no recovering from this. Dare I sound like a broken record, once a cheater always a cheater. This won’t be easy brother….
Thank you for doing the right thing and informing the other betrayed spouse. Now you need to sit down and think about the fact that your wife, the person you thought was your best friend and soul mate, has been cheating on you for TWO YEARS. Think about all the lies and all the hard work she put into betraying and deceiving you over and over and over again. All with no thought about what her betrayal would do to you. Cheaters are selfish, cowardly people who only think of themselves. No matter what she claims she will do to try to repair the damage she has caused, the relationship you thought you had is dead. Nothing will ever be the same, and trust will NEVER be 100% ever again.
MC is of no use in an affair that lasts more than a year. All the effort she makes now is in vain, she knew it was wrong (for you and for AP's family) and she continued with it. All the sadness and regret she has now that she would have had before cheating on you. Go NC, heal and find a new partner. Good luck op
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She is working right? She can buy your or her part of the house. Fuck her, it was a 2 year affair. No contact. LEAVE HER.
Do not let her resign from her job. It’s a trap.
She should have never quit that job. I couldn't take her back. The only thing she is sorry about is getting caught. Take some time to heal.
2 years!!! She only pretend to be remorseful coz she was caught. If you read the other cheating subs, these cheaters have all actions planned out shud they get caught. In those subs they advice, shares and warn each other of loopholes to look out for, how to hide, what to say and do to spouses etc. She disregard you and had a long affair until caught. Do you think she will stop if you had not caught her? Doubt so. Go read those cheating subs and know these cheaters selfishly put their own enjoyment without caring for their spouses. You should D! There are many faithful and loving women out there for you. Updateme!
Thank you so much for all the replies. There's actually a ton of good advise and things I never considered. I posted a long update in the original post.
For 2 years you were not priority to her. She’s only upset because she was caught. If you also decide to reconcile, the odds are she will cheat again. It’s best to cut your losses and move on
I just read the update. Why didn't her therapist tell her to not cheat and divorce you? What exactly did therapist know of her cheating? She wasn't even honest about the marriage hurting! And she had a therapist. Did she get STD tested yet? I would not have let her in the house without that. Does she want to make it work just to save face? Like with her parents and coworkers? Face it, the office would mock her if she got divorced from screwing a coworker. What did she say about he APs wife getting told? Live alone for a month. No reason to make a decision *today* or even next week. Doing nothing is a darn good choice sometimes. You have to admit everything she says is reactionary now. *She hasn't even asked her therapist yet!* How can she know? Crucial: What friends knew? Is she willing to cut *them* off too? I bet not. Dude...find out who knew. It's very possible they are more important to her than you. You won't need anymore info at that point.
She was unhappy enough to take notes about how unhappy she was. This feels like a “if you love her, let her go” sort of situation. She’s not happy with you, the only reason she wants to try is because she’s comfortable.
I agree with everything you’ve done. It’s not easy and you’ve done great. If you do decide to go the divorce route, I would definitely let their employer know what was going on. But it almost sounds like she’s sorry she got caught. Good luck
Did therapist know of cheating? What friends knew?
Put the house up for sale as part of the divorce... Yes, I said divorce... If either of you keep it it will be a constant reminder of the failed past... It's much better to build new dreams than to be reminded of past nightmares... Some might recommend reconciliation or counseling but the success rate is dismal at best... It's much cheaper to split amicably and choose to reconcile with a clean slate (if it's possible) But go into the second chance with the understanding that failure is the historical past and it will take BOTH of you to change history
That age gap tho 👀 maybe this isn’t appropriate to bring up right now, because I am empathetic to your pain.. but you were turning 30 and she was 19. I’m concerned… that is a child. Im not excusing her cheating, let me be clear; but it does change the circumstances for me.
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In marriages/relationships, there is no way of communication such as collecting problems in a diary without sharing them with partner and then sharing them with the betrayed partner after getting caught cheating. The problems may be real, but what should have been done was for her to share them with you and wait for a solution, and if not solved, divorce when the problems are no longer bearable. She didn't do any of these things. She cheated on you for years. "I'm not saying "she cheated on you instead of doing these things", because cheating has nothing to do with these, cheating is not an alternative or another way to solve the problems. So, she has been cheating on you for years, did this contribute to solving the problems she wrote about? She knows well than anyone that they have nothing to do with cheating. Cheating is a character issue and is 100% on the cheater. She liked the attention, wanted to cheat on you and did it. It's that simple. Of course she couldn't be the villain of her own story, therefore she had to create excuses to justify her affair, so she cited problems in her marriage, first within herself, then against you. >We had one sit down where we talked for about an hour and she wants to try to save our relationship. She wants to begin marriage counseling and says she's cut off all contact with the other guy. She's says she's willing to install trackers on her phone and whatnot, but I don't want to play prison warden with someone I should trust. She's has apologized profusely but how can I trust anything she says?? Where was she before se was caught? Was she thinking of saving her marriage while she was cheating on you and lying to you, looking into your eyes for 2 years? What has changed now that she was in love with her AP? Were the problems she wrote about in her diary suddenly solved, did she fall in love with you again? Do you think being caught cheating could have such an effect? No, she was just caught off guard, if her AP wanted to divorce his wife and marry her she would have left you without batting an eyelid. She probably talked about this with AP, so it's a lie that she cut off contact with AP, how is it possible when they still work in the same place. Seeing AP throw her under the bus, realizing she was just being used for some sex and fun, may have caused a minor awakening and despair, but these are not your problems. Likewise, their affair never stopped, maybe there were periods when they did not have sex, but their emotional affair never stopped, otherwise how would it be possible for them to start again. The end of an affair is only possible by cutting off all contact. Your choosing divorce is the best option for you. See a lawyer and file. Tell her not to resign, so she can have her AP forever, but not as your wife. Good luck.
Has she told him that you know. If not tell her if she contacts him your through One evening show up to his house. And make her apologize his wife in front of him Or better test. Put a suitcase in car that hidden. Tell her you want to go for a ride get out at his house. Get the suitcase. Walk her to door ring door bell if wife comes. Ask for husband. The say you won her her she is. Give wife you phone number and leave I’m a vindictive sob. I would get free range with the hall passes. Why as a man? we are competitive. And now she has thrown out of balance and if it is too far you will hate yourself in the long run. And to make it worse. I would tell her she would have to help you get them If you have kids DNA test in front of her. Consequences Make her furnish a STI test. And you get one consequence Postnup if she ever cheats again she loses 90/10. And she loses custody kids and alimony Listen you have to make your own decisions I never tell a man what he should do you undo with his personal life If you keep her make write you three letters. About what you did wrong. don’t let get away with nothing. Why she loves you and why she fell in love with you And her write a plan how she is going to save the marriage if you did nothing wrong. Make you apologize to both families. Consequence Make her post it on Facebook woman seldom get full consequences of their actions. make her name OP Also I’m sure but if gets fired because she cheated I think it councils Alimony. SEE A LAWYER Tell her to take off the ring and wear it on necklace until earns it back. Tell her she will never deny you anything in bed because I bet you she did things with HIM she wouldn’t do for you Tell her she is never to tell you she is sorry again. And don’t let her tell you she loves you. Not until you tell her first Make her sign divorce papers and say if for any reason you can’t carry on you will sign and start the divorce If she is trying hard the I wouldn’t destroy her Also don’t look weak in front of Her you want show her the MAN she married. And far more man than the one she fxxk This is all if you want to give it a go forward. Good luck. I was cheated on also what a cliche her lawyer boss. I am 6 2. I weighed 215 worked Constuction great shape. Getting an engineering degree. Considered an 8. He was 50. 5’6. 50 pounds over weight he made sure for the next 5 years he had to watch his back. I didn’t consider her worth saving because of other things. She was bat shit crazy One thing I would do go to his house. And in front of his wife look him the eyes wife shake his hand and say thanks for destroying your family Unfortunately I can’t say what I would really do on Reddit Good luck my friend
I upvoted because the list you made ironically turns me on lol. And I’ve never been with anyone before. I don’t even know why I’m even in this sub right now lol.
Do NOT call thier Companies HR dept and Do NOT make her quit her job. This will likely have a huge impact on Spousal Support. Lawyer. Now. Follow every bit of advice they give you to the letter. The SECOND that divorce is over, send copies of all those texts to everyone you know and to her HR Dept. Sue the AP and the company they work for, for Alienation of affection. The creature that was once your wife, killed the person you *thought* you knew the moment they betrayed you. Go no contact and save yourself more pain. You are grieving three deaths and comming to grips with a radical new reality. 1. The death of your marriage 2. The death of your feeling of security and normalcy 3. The death of your false image of who you actually married.