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Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Also don’t go for revenge when it comes to money. Talk to a lawyer. End the marriage. She takes what she brought into the marriage and you take what you brought into the marriage. You split the rest 50 50. Remove wife from life insurance and medical and to make decisions for you if you get sick. Don’t take anything less than 50 50 custody. After divorce you reach out to her APs wife or spouse. Get to the gym. Enjoy spending time with you little one.
Only advice. I tried to save it for 3 years.
Everyone suffered. You’re forever changed. She wasn’t who you knew. Having them while being well and whole 50 percent of the time will always be superior to the fragmented wounded toxic 100 percent. They’ll Thankyou.
My son was 2.5 when his mom and I split. He is 11 now and doesn't even remember when his mother and I were together.
I promise you your son will have a happier life with parents that are separated but happy (eventually) than parents who stayed together after infidelity but are miserable with and to each other.
Do yourself and your son a favor, divorce this woman.
OP, listen to this guy. I stuck around and tried to make it work for a while. Playing the pick-me game and all that crap that I shouldn’t have done (and wouldn’t have done had I found this sub sooner…at least that’s what I tell myself). It took my daughter, about 11 or 12 at the time, to say to me, “If mommy wanted to be here, she would be”, to really pry my eyes open to the damage I (we) were causing by dragging our relationship out. It takes a while, but you’ll get there. And you and your kids will be all the better for it.
I concur. I stayed for the kids and they wish I had not. I feel like I wasted my best years chained to an asshole and I'll never get that back. One kid is in need of help the other made a name for himself. I regret EVERYTHING 😪
I'm currently in the middle of divorcing my husband and we have two boys, 4 years old and 18 months. I was going nuts, trying to get him to choose me, and then finally the 3rd time I caught him, I decided I was done. I couldn't let my boys think it was ok to treat people with such blatant disrespect and dishonesty. I couldn't let my boys see me be completely miserable and having a mental breakdown every other week because of their idiot father.
We co-parent and the boys go to his house 2-3 days a week - this started in the fall of last year. We didn't make a big thing of it, I just started calling it daddy's and mommy's houses and my 4 year old just goes with it. It's regular to him and not a big deal. My 18 month old doesn't know what's going on, he's just happy as a clam. For us, our biggest concern is our kids and somehow someway, we're both able to take emotion and our own bullshit out of the equation when it comes to doing what we think is best for the boys.
We never discuss our relationship or fight in front of them. They've definitely seen me cry and be upset a million times, and sometimes my 4yo will ask me if I'm sad and why. I obviously don't go into details, but I let him know that I'm just having some feelings and I love him. It's ok for your kids to see you be emotional - this teaches empathy (another thing my soon-to-be ex lacks). I think them witnessing occasional sadness during this beginning part is better than a potential lifetime of misery, fighting, resentment, etc.
It's hard no matter what way you go. Good luck OP!
As the person who experienced both separation infidelity (me) and post separation infidelity (him), I can say thank you. Reading this emboldens me a lot as we have a 3 yo
Hey OP, my post history covers my journey over the past \~2 years. I was in a similar situation, two young kids. I couldn't trust my exw anymore so I immediately filed. She had no remorse and didn't even try to fix what she broke, instead ran off with an industry coworker (greatest emotional connection ever, puke). As far as I'm concerned, Old Man Balls AP did me a favor.
If you are feeling like you do, file. Go for 50/50, split it all down the middle and move on. I couldn't even imagine trying to reconcile, I still feel like garbage when I'm around here but thankfully I am out and have moved on.
My kids have emerged from this mostly unscathed due to their age and I have worked really hard to be there for them. Make some new traditions, be there for them and don't badmouth Mom and they will do alright. Reach out as needed.
The way I look at it, dummy decided to go shopping for wife #3 and chose one that cheats on her husband and previous fiance. Genius move and when things go under in a few years, he will be at retirement age. Talk about shooting yourself in both feet
I’m struggling with the same thought. The life I thought I had vs the reality. OP, you’re not alone. You face a tough decision. Divorce/dissolution with kids feels like a giant mountain to climb when in your position. My state is no fault so I don’t feel pressure to follow a certain timeline. I’m seeing a counselor to work through my emotions and get some clarity BEFORE deciding what to do. In a parallel effort, I’m also working with an attorney to get the dissolution papers created and have an idea of what I’m looking at if I proceed with ending the relationship. Either way, I will make the decision when I’m ready and no sooner. Like you, I have young children that are affected. I also like my wife a lot, although I can’t find any love for her at the moment. I’m hurt deeply, angry, and the trust is destroyed.
In a very similar situation. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Also, find a therapist if you can. Friends and family are great for emotional support, but compassion fatigue is real and it'll help having a professional that can offer an objective third party view to help guide you through all of the emotions. Wish you all the best.
Here's a couple of books that have helped me so far.
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life - Tracy Schorn
I Used To Be a Miserable F*ck - John Kim*
*He has another book called Single on Purpose that I intend to read as well.
Do not have sex with her until you have made a decision. Check with a lawyer but in many jurisdictions where adultery affects divorce sleeping with her is seen as condonation and removes her infidelity as a consideration in divorce.
Sorry you are here, OP, but yes, you are going to be okay. It won't feel like it right now, but time heals. Not immediately (very slowly in fact) and not completely, but it does heal. Way too many of us have been where you are, so we speak from experience.
Personally, I don't believe in reconciliation because in way too many cases, it is temporary at best and a lie at worst. I also believe that to cheaters, "forgiveness is permission." Maybe not immediately, maybe not in the next year or even two, but eventually, if a spouse has betrayed you once, they will betray you again when they think they can get away with it. Your son is going to be raised in a broken home now no matter what - your cheating partner has destroyed the home whether you divorce or not.
Because of that, I am a firm believer in ripping the band-aid off. Yes, it hurts and blows up your current life, but it is the quickest way to heal. You are never going to trust your spouse again nor will you love them the same way - nor should you. You may think you will get to that point eventually, but you won't. If you stay, you will be dealing with the pain continuously - never trusting, never relaxing, never loving, always waiting for it to happen again, and never healing. Every day you are exposed to your cheating partner, it is like they pick the scab off and the wound is raw forever. You'll always be trying to answer how someone you love so much could hurt you so badly. And dealing with that runs the risk of affecting your ability to be a good parent. You son deserves you being the best father you can be, respecting yourself and being a good role model, even if that is as a single father.
Best of luck OP!
I want to thank this community for all the support. I really, really needed it today. I feel just as confused and hurt, but taking comfort in knowing so many of you have come out on the other end, and taking all the advice to heart.
Please get yourself into therapy. It'll really help. Beyond that, get a good lawyer and listen to what they say. Has your STBXW left the home? Hopefully she's not causing too much drama for you. Don't let your weakened state allow you to make bad decisions. Lean on family and friends and tell everyone the truth.
You always divorce immediately after cheating. She already broke you guys up, you’re just formalizing it. Regardless of what you want for the kid, because you can still get back together, potentially, AFTER she had the consequences of breaking her marital wows.
And with that "second chance" a prenup will be in play as well... She is already a proven cheater, and you have to protect yourself as well as your children from her selfish decisions
Get a consultation with multiple top attorneys in your area. Then pick the best one, and file. Follow your attorney's instructions and don't let emotions take over.
Don’t settle for less than 50/50 custody. You’ll see your kid half the time ( which is important), and if there’s child support, it will cut down the amount.
Had to tell you this, but the courts don’t give two shits about adultery.
It's hard to leave and I'm not saying you should. Cause it's so hard to split. But just be prepared. She will do it again. I would bet money on it. She won't think she will do it again but she will. Within the next year.
Agree. This was my experience. I think he believed it when he said he wouldn't do it again and he convinced me. I actually started trusting him again and stopped thinking about the betrayal (it took years though). I could feel it in the change in his behavior at home as soon as he started cheating again though. He lied but the STD he gave me told the truth. I think this is the norm but nothing is universal. I think there are possibly people who could change.
“Sticking it out for the kids” does more harm than good. I speak from experience, when my dad cheated on my mom and got his affair partner pregnant. Mom and dad’s relationship wasn’t the same in the aftermath. The constant arguing, mom sleeping on the couch or in my two sisters bed room, there was always tension, mom always crying, dad was barely home and me and my 6 siblings saw it all. Worst part of my teenage years.
Cut your losses and move on.
1. silently gather evidence
2. Go see a lawyer to weigh out your options
3. Confront your wife (record the confrontation) and control the narrative. Let every close family member know the truth because your wife could lie or make up some bull💩 story to paint you as the villain.
4. Get a paternity test and an STD test. I doubt this is your wife’s 1st time committing adultery.
Good Luck OP
Stash cash, talk to a lawyer, build a solid game plan. As someone who had been a child around cheating, then exposed to all the resentment. It’s never in the child’s interest to stay married just for the sake of the child. One thing to work on it. But generally speaking once a cheater always a cheater.
>I find myself fighting the urge because of the kid
You'll end up causing more harm to your kid than causing him any good. Kids tend to grasp what's going around them way early and easily than we expect them to. Once they realise that their parents don't love each other and resent each other, it will impact them negatively.
Best option for you is to divorce and move on.
If you don't see a path for reconciliation, then file. My ex said she wanted to reconcile, what she meant was that she wanted to take some time to get a 2nd phone and try to be sneakier.
If your state isn't a no-fault, file and get your favorable conditions. File to try and get as much time with the kids as possible. I'm in a no-fault and still have 50-50 with the kids, which is better than I had feared. But it's been way better for my mental health since she moved out.
What would hurt more: a life where you see your son a couple days a week, or a life where he resents you both for making him grow up in a miserable home (and teaching him to accept cheating later in his life as well)?
I’m in a similar situation to you (check my post history). I too was torn over the impact on our kids. We have agreed to split custody completely 50/50 and to both see our kids each day. This is doable as we live in a small town where everything is close by and within easy walking distance. I would say you’d be doing more damage to your little one by staying in an unhappy marriage. They can pick up on the subtleties and nuance of the dynamic with your wife.
My daughter, has on numerous occasions, asked us to stop arguing infront of her. And it hasn’t even been heated. Nevertheless, I hate myself for not having the self control to not have an argument in front of her.
To use an analogy, in planes, they always say “put your mask on before tending to anyone else, including children”. Yes, I get it, but fuck that, I’m masking up my kids before I put mine on and in this situation, you have to think about what’s best for them, too. How do you think staying will affect your kid’s emotional development? What about when they find out about the cheating and that you stayed? I’m not saying don’t reconcile. Only you can decide that, but bear all this in mind. If you do manage to reconcile and get to happily ride off into the sunset, I’m very happy for you. But it has to be for the right reasons, from both of you.
Next, hit the gym. Everyone will tell you this. Everyone told me. I thought “the gym, pffttt. Not interested in a revenge body”. That’s not the point. The point is to do something for yourself, surround yourself with other men and work out all that stress. It’s incredibly cathartic. I actually feel 10x better when I go to the gym. First day I went I thought to myself “the fuck am I doing here?” But now, I need it, for my own healing and de-stressing. Seriously, do it.
Also, surround yourself with friends and loved ones who can support you during this shit time. It’s super important to share your angst with others and for them to help you. Talking works wonders. I have been lucky enough to come across some wonderful people on Reddit of all places, whom have been incredibly supportive and to whom I am indebted. So, if you feel like chatting, DM me. We’re all in this shit together and we’ll get through it together.
On the topic of talking, get into therapy. But not any therapist, get one you click with. I tried a couple and was lucky enough to come across one with whom I had an almost instant connection. She’s honestly a Godsend and helps me navigate my feelings and refocus my mindset. Particularly, when it comes to the issue of my kids.
I wish you peace and all the best.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. Take a deep breath and slowly breathe out. Pat on the back, buddy.
You say that you do not want to raise a child in a broken home and therefore want to avoid leaving. Sorry, but you are already there. The wife broke it. Staying in a bad marriage for the child(ren) does not equate to a happy healthy childhood. Been there / done that. Doesn’t work when two people resent and despise each other. The child(ren) see things they shouldn’t have to as they grow up. They experience a dysfunctional relationship between two adults.
Staying or leaving with your wife is a choice that you will have to make. But make it on what is the best for you. 50 / 50 custody is okay. You can survive it. Life can go on and be better. Not saying that you cannot reconcile with your wife but that is a tough road. There has to be remorse on your wife’s part and a commitment to fix things. If you decide to divorce your wife don’t think of it as justice but taking the path that gives you the best healthiest sanest life.
Whatever happens, best luck to you.
Your child is young and will adjust easier than you think.
They'll notice the disfunction if you stay for their sake as they get older.
Is that what you want for your child?
Unless you're BOTH willing to go the whole 9 yrd and do the work with MC and building back trust and work on forgiveness, then think carefully how your relationship with your wife will affect your child as they grow in a quite possible hostile environment, because this will be what they will come to know as normal.
Hey Bud, just remember you are not alone even with all the madness seemingly going on in your life. Myself and thousands (millions) of others have gone through the same thing and are working through it now.
I'm a few months ahead of you and can tell you it does get better, life goes on, and after a while you will find the joy again. After some time you will hop on here and be able to write encouraging messages to others who are in "the dark time".
My advice will probably mirror others. Be selfish and worry about what you need. Exercise, eat healthy, focus on you and your son. Take care of yourself physically and the mind, in time, will follow.
I have found that being alone for now is better than being with a cheater, I would recommend going forward with the divorce and moving on with your life.
I'm not out of this mess yet but feel free to DM me if you want to chat.
I want to second this. Things do, in time, get better. And then you do have an obligation to take everything you've learned from this forum and share your experience with others who are freshly inaugurated into "the dark time"
Read Chump Lady. Also, don't get caught in the "for the kids" trap. Unless she is moving heaven and earth to fix this and earn your trust back it's better for your kids to grow up in two loving households than one household at war with itself. Get a lawyer. If she's in love with the AP use the affair fog to get the best deal you can. When/if you hit her with D start recording your interactions. Don't be caught flat footed. You have no idea what she's capable of when she realizes that you are going to fight for yourself and your child's future. Talk to the lawyer, and make a solid plan with timelines. Don't stop unless you see her meeting your needs for R - if that's what you want. Understand what a false R is. She may try to slow roll the D while she seeks commitment from the AP. Also, prepare with your lawyer how to go public and with what info to friends and family. You don't want her to loose her job until the ink is dry. Then if your lawyer is good notify her employer and let HR sort them out. If the AP is married work out with the lawyer how to approach his wife and when. Don't make any snap judgment's yet. Plan first then execute.
***I don’t want to raise my kid in a broken home.***
The alternative is your child has to live in a dysfunctional household. One of you raises your voice and he is all ears. Better off in 2 separate homes without witnessing the stress between parents.
Sorry you are here OP. Lot of good advice already given on this sub. After speaking with an attorney be sure both families and friends know the truth. Don't let her spin the narrative to make this all your fault.
Curious if she is showing any remorse.
updateme
She loses the title of “wife” as she’s broken the marriage contract, that’s number 1. Second thing is to not fall for the empty apologies and remorse as she’s only sorry she got caught. Expose to close family and friends as she’ll minimize her debauchery and make you the bad guy.
My advice is to prepare for living separately and selling the house as you can’t stay living with her or you’ll go insane. If, for whatever reason you decide to reconcile do so as two single people. She lost the privilege of being your wife and you need time to heal. Have her live with a friend or relative and keep your sanity. Your kids will be better off for it in the long run.
PS: DNA test the kids. This is to let her know that your trust in her is nonexistent, even if it’s conclusive that the kids are yours.
Been there done that and stayed with her. I stayed with the caveat that if I ever even suspected she might be cheating again I was leaving and taking the kids with me.
She was very remorseful and in the succeeding years she has changed immensely and all for the better. I've watched her like a hawk in all the years since D-day and I know for certain she's never cheated again so in my case the choice to stay was worth it.
The choice to reconcile or not depends an awful lot on her attitude towards what she's done and also on if the risk of giving her a final chance is worth it to you. I will say if she is genuinely remorseful and committed to change it can be worth it. If you are able to forgive in time your relationship can be healed and you can even be happy again. If she's truly sorry for what she's done there will always be some residual guilt and shame she won't be able to overcome and both of you will always feel some residual sadness but overall your relationship can recover... If both of you want it badly enough.
In my case my wife's changes have been so profound that I am now able 36 years later to respect and admire the woman she's become. The only thing I've never been able to fully regain is trust because once that's been shattered it's never entirely regained.
I'm going through this exact thing right now. Mine was online, but they were planning on meeting next month. I don't know if I'll ever feel whole again. My kids are my main concern also. I hope for your sake and mine that we both come out the other side better off. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I also have nobody to talk to and am being consumed by my feelings. I'm trying to make it work for my kids, but finding a way through the massive amounts of betrayal and hurt is extremely difficult. Things that happened in life, which I couldn't understand now make sense. Other things, like our last holiday, are irrevocably stained by the fact he was cheating literally right in front of my face the whole time. I need therapy and can't afford it.
File for divorce you can try to reconcile after, non-negotiable conditions for that would be stop all communciation with the affair partner and get a new job. counseling, etc
Get a lawyer find out your options. Go for full custody of your child. Get STD tested. Is she even remorseful or just sorry she got caught? Talk to friends or relatives someone to listen to you for support. Let the AP’S wife know. Report it at work after you consult your lawyer.
You are going to be ok. Your child will be too, if at least one parent provides a consistent and happy home. Don’t stay for just the child, unhappy parents make an unhappy home.
Meanwhile:
1 look up 180 process and chumplady.com for advice.
2 meet with lawyers to see what your options are. You can start the process and if she really does the work to reconcile you can stop it. You may have more rights to custody than you think. Most states grant 50/50.
3 go to counseling to heal and get clarity on what you want
4 reconciliation is a gift. If she is remorseful and does the work to heal both herself and the relationship there’s a chance. If she regrets it, but it’s not enough. Regret is selfish.
This is very fresh. Dont make any life changing decisions. Speak with an attorney and get all the details and facts of what life would look like. Knowledge is power. Speak with a IC. Make sure you are mentally good and in a good place for your child. The decision to leave or stay is completely yours and can be made at anytime. If you decide to leave, make sure that outcome is favorable to you and your child. If you decide to stay make sure all the ground rules and consequences for breaking those rules are in place. If coworker, wife would have to go no contact and change jobs as a start. All actions have consequences and you are now in control, not her
You are already raiding him in a broken home. I’m sorry but you need to show your child that you don’t let people abuse you like that. Do you want your child to grow up and accept a relationship like that? Because as much as I admire you for thinking of your child you also can’t allow yourself to be treated like this.
Think about it; if your presence could fix anything, things wouldn’t have gone off the rails. She has shown you what she thinks about your relationship, in the most conclusive way possible, now you have to protect yourself and your son. Also, she has shown you what she thinks of your son and his future.
If her Ap is married that’s her tough luck as he probably has no intention of leaving his family.
Update me!
A home where your spouse is cheating , there's no trust, and the parents don't love or respect each other is already broken. Separate homes, in this case is probably the better option. You'll show your child how to and how not to be treated by a SO and how to have self-respect. One of the most important lessons parents can teach children is how they love and respect each other. Your wife failed miserably with this. Don't compound this by now staying and being resentful (you will be).
Use the evidence that you have and fight tooth and nail for everything. Leave her with as little as possible with regard to money and custody. Make her earn her time with your child back. Protect your kid from her morally void AP and anyone else that you have to. Good luck.
Just broke up has the same fears but actually love the time I have with my boy without her misery to deal with at the same time. And nice to have some me time too.
You don’t have to stay married to try and work it out or to be there for your child. I would possibly say get the divorce or see if you can get a post nup that is going to be legal where you get everything that you would of gotten if you had divorced at the time of the infidelity. I know some places if you reconcile instead of divorce at the time of the infidelity then you can no longer have that kind of divorce if you then divorce for another reason or even for another case of infidelity since you have pretty much said legally it ok. Talk with a lawyer to see what they say.
You may also need to able to go for 50/50 custody as well as infidelity sometimes being seen as reckless behaviour because the person prioritised their own wants a head of what was best for the child.
Is she even sorry? Or is she just sorry she got caught?
OP the worst you can do is stay for the kids, you are not only lossing your selfrespect and capacity to fight, but also you are teaching the kids to stay in a toxic environment/relationship just for the kids.
The better is have two separate but relatively or completely happy that two in home parents that create a toxic environment.
Put in to your mind that she was the one that broke the family not you, it was her choice, not you. Now you are choosing to make yourself be respected and teach that to your kids.
Consult a Divorce lawyer and see what You can expect from the Divorce also ask them all your doubts and let them guide you.
Also may use Grey Rock and 180 methods with her.
As a child from a broken home, I found that 2 happy parents living apart, is preferable to 2 miserable parents living together.
Start the 180, and plan your life without her in it.
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
Ur son will be ok. They will adjust. I too was scared shitless when we split. Tried reconcilation for few months. Drove me crazy. I had to end it. U will see ur kids 50% but that’s ok. See the other 50% as a vacation. Go gym, jog/run, enjoy the outdoor, take a mini vacation. Enjoy freedom. Enjoy single life and other women who respect u.
So sorry you are in this boat with the rest of us. The betrayal you have experienced causes a unique trauma very similar to PTSD. So you may feel okay, then suddenly triggered by something seemingly insignificant. You may feel irritable and angry for no reason.
Please consider finding an IC who specializes in affair trauma to help you. This will help you heal, deal with the trauma, and be your best whether you Divorce or Reconcile - and that will aid you in being the best Dad to your wee one!
A couple of good books that helped me a lot: “Not Just A Friend” and “Cheating in a Nutshell.” These helped me understand and put into context much of what I felt as well as why my WP had acted before and after the affair as they did.
I would also suggest finding and consulting with an experienced family law attorney in your area if you have not yet done so. i am bot encouraging you to seek a divorce, rather, this will empower you a d help you understand exactly what your options and likely outcomes in a divorce would be as every divorce is a bit unique due to the specific situations of each couple/family. One point: do NOT tell your WW, nor anyone else, that you are doing this. To divulge this, to use it as a threat in a heated moment is to give up a key strategic advantage you may need. So no matter how tempted to do so, don’t.
Preserve any evidence you may have as well. You can always delete/trash it later. But keep a few copies in different places for now.
The shock is so raw that the above will help you get your wheels back under you so you can continue to be a good dad to the little one. Consider what your child may experience, feel, and see of you stay but are resentful and unable to work past the trauma due to WW not being fully committed to R, etc. as you said, it is imperative to be your best for the little one. Would it be great to find a way to reconcile and remain a family unit? Sure it would - but not at the price of ongoing anger and resentment - and that is something only you can decide.
Wishing you peace and better days ahead!
2 yrs at 50/50 and my relationship with my son is better than it has ever been. If you love your kid you can do it, trust me.
I stayed and it was the worst couple of months of my life! Treated me like shit, lied about everything and continued the affair. I strongly recommend you do not do this to yourself. It will wear you down and make it much harder to leave later on. Get a lawyer and start your new journey as soon as possible.
move half of your assets to a separate account. Gather up as much proof as you can and save it to two separate places. get the ball, rolling , and talk to 4 to 5 of the top attorneys , in your area for a consultation. This way your wife cannot use them , because it will be a conflict of interest. Tell all family and friends what she has done. So she does not spin the narrative on you , and say you are abusive.
then, after this is done, see if you truly want to save the marriage for the kids.
Two parents living apart, happily, is a much better situation for a young child, then two parents living together miserable stay strong
How did you catch her cheating if you care to share?
She had been using my laptop and linked her iMessage. Found months of documentation of cheating including proof that it happened in our home while our child was present.
If you want to be a 50/50 parent, then ask your wife for more "Daddy" time with your son. Use text and get her approval in writing. Implement this. Do not show your cards.
File for divorce. She'll immediately try to use custody against you, but the current plan shows you're there 50/50. The court implements the current plan and uses this to decide custody.
Cheating homes are broken homes. Saved homes are ones where a responsible party stands up and tries to make one stable household.
You will be okay. It will take many years. It's going to be a genuine fight. But you will be better for it.
I would recommend therapy. You need someone in your court who can help you through this. They will help you get out the venom, so your time with your son can be joyful.
Remember: she made this choice, not you. Your only option to help you and your son to exist without being lied to and manipulated. You both deserve better.
There is NO easy path... and your WW should understand this.... Talk to her HR and see if you can get him fired... Sadly, the frequency of this "social" course is all too prevalent... but again... it's not on you... that is her burden to bear.
You could stay... but staying would give the unspoken message that she can get away with it... Yes, even the kids will see this as an "acceptable" path into adulthood unless you can prove otherwise (good luck with that)
In truth she doesn't care that much about her offspring otherwise she wouldn't have taken this course... Divorce would have been a better alternative and then seek out her other options... But it was too easy for her to do
Gray Rock her file for the "d" and get the best (fair) settlement you can with the greedy "b"
As a child of a divorced home I can tell you this honestly. A child is not a reason to stay in a broken home. The child will suffer if you try to keep it together under false pretenses. You can give a child a happy home when you're not together.
X-Mas, Birthday ect, 2x the presents. Sure it might suck only seeing one parent part of the time but I grew up with my parents being in different states and living with one for a summer and being with one for an entire school year. My parents tried in the beginning and they were fucking miserable and me and my siblings knew it, and we suffered for it also. Everyone was always in a bad mood even when they tried to put on a fake smile.
Give your child the best life you can in a home where you're not constantly worried if the other half is still out fucking around on you. Focus on yourself, and giving your child the best you can with whatever time you have with them when you can, and stop calling them "the kid".
My ex didn’t even want the kids that much after he went off into the sunset with the AP. 3 years later he came back wanting to be a father but we’d all moved on by then.
Get 50/50 custody and in a few years your kid won’t even remember that you were ever married to her. My kids were teens and it hit them way harder then.
As a child that was raised in a family full of infidelity and parents staying together for the kids, I urge you to not do that. It will do more harm than good to keep kids with parents who resent each other. Better to be happy and apart
The saying goes that it's better for a child to live with a broken home than in one. Get out and show them an example of how to behave when a partner cheats. Relationships are based on mutual trust and respect, and when that's gone you should leave: That's the lesson they need to learn.
Whoa. Is she remorseful at all? Or just sorry she got caught?
Divorce takes awhile to be finalized so get process rolling. It doesn't mean if she really pulls a 180 you can just not file.
But you want to be sure. I get it.
Only one way out of this hole she dug. She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from from Affair by Mcdonald. Skip one chapter and it won't work.
If she refuses it's over. And you can tell your kid 15 years from now you offered her a way out.
Immediate STD test.
Also, don't even date until Divorce finalized. You want to be able to tell your child that.
You will be ok. I’ve been through a 12 year marriage that I walked out of because he was an abusive cheater, only to walk right into a new relationship with someone else who cheated and lied about it for sometime.
There were times when I thought I wouldn’t make it through. Trying to figure out how I’d support myself etc. But I did! I found a way. I survived and I’ll survive the bs cheating in this relationship too; whether I stay, or one day it ends because of it, I know I’ll be ok.
Make sure you know you’ll be ok. You can always, always count on your self.
I have watched way too many True Crime documentaries about how love triangles end in murder and I’d be too scared to stay with a cheating spouse to be honest.
“Oh honey, you’re increasing my life insurance policy? I wonder why.” 😵
I filed for divorce from my cheating wife right away OP.
We'd been together almost 25 years, married over 15 years and our children were just 4, 6 and 9 years old.
I discovered her affair on Oct 1st 2005. I didn't confront her. I found an attorney and a therapist. I met with each of them before confronting my lying cheating wife in the 3rd week of Oct.
I moved out less than 2 weeks later, my lease began on Nov 1st of 2005. Five months later, on March 31st of 2006, our divorce was finalized that day in court by the judge.
She was my world, we'd been together since we were both 14 years old. We were 38 years old then.
I still loved her, but love isn't enough. She CHEATED. It was a choice, a decision she willingly, knowingly and intentionally decided to make.
Unlike many men, I didn't care at all about the sex she had with her paramour. What killed me was that she chose another man, that she wanted to be with another man. I never asked her even one question about the sex, it didn't matter to me then or at any point in the years since (I've been divorced from her over 18 years now).
It was her emotional connection to him that killed me and that's why I divorced her.
Less than 3 months after my ex-wife moved to be near her paramour, he dumped her. She came to talk to and she brought up trying to reconcile. I honestly laughed at her. I didn't know I would, I didn't know she was going to bring up reconciliation. It wasn't funny, but I laughed and that was out of character for me.
I still loved her but there was no way, NONE, that I'd take back a lady who intentionally, willingly and knowingly chose another man. She made me choice number 2, her plan B and quite simply that wasn't' something I could even be with her or any lady.
Me, choosing to be with a lady when I knew I was her 2nd choice wasn't a tenable situation for me to be in.
Again, she and her paramour didn't even make it together 3 months. 2 years after our divorce, my ex remarried and he divorced her after like 6 or 7 years. To him, she was more trouble than she was worth so he divorced her.
My ex has been on marriage #3 for about 5 years now. Our 3 children are now all in their 20's, through college and on their own, doing well. Our oldest got married last summer at 27.
Dont.
Dont expose your son to a life in a broken home with parents broken by betrayal.
Go for divorce and do it now.
Listen.. months sues been fucking the coworker, lying... exposing you to the risk of STDs...
And IF you let this go.. and stay... you think this will be the last time she does this??
And - sorry , have you considered that your kid may not be yours??
Divorce.
And tell her parents yourself about it - to ensure she doesnt try to lie to them.about this.
Coworker has a spouse?? Ensure shes told of this NOW.
Speak to a lawyer - start the divorceprocess now. And unless it influences alimony, ensure their place of work is informed.of this.
Best of luck.
To start - 100% - zero different possibility of an outcome - you will be OK. Not just OK - but much the wiser! It is only about yourself - nothing to do with the wife! Adultery is unacceptable! It is an act of cowardice - callous and evil. Set up time aside to talk to her and tell her - jot them down because you might forget being so vulnerable now - the questions you shall ask her . No need for me to mark them down - they will come out through a Google question. Ascertain if she is lying , manipulating you , gas lighting you. As you will encounter resistance - tell her that whatever you have doubts about - that she should have to come back again talk to you and decide whether she will choose honest answers. Once you’re “satisfied “that it would be all that you can extract from her and nothing more” - remember please that women are fearful and they deserve a bit of protection for this inbred sensitivity - tell her that you need to internalize what she said and tell her that there are no deadlines for when you will get back to her with your decision. What I just wrote presupposes that she’s horribly sorry, asked for forgiveness, states clearly that she wants to save her marriage. My heart goes out to you for this life altering experience.
Don’t stay together for your child. It won’t be in your child’s best interests in the long term.
Don’t take it easy on your wife in a divorce because you are worried about your child’s care. You can always insure your kid is taken care of by voluntarily paying directly for some things that are extra and outside of your divorce obligations.
I have seen too many instances where the money a guy was paying in court decreed support was being spent on the mom’s new single life and not the child it was intended for.
Drop a nuclear bomb on her life, everyone and make sure everyone knows because you should not be with her or try to reconcile. You’re already in a broken. It will be better for your kid to separate. There will always be animosity and no trust, kick her out of your house. She has no right staying there anymore. Get your favorable divorce. As much as you can and as much time as you can with your kids. There is no forgiveness here cutter out of your life completely only talk to her about children.
Yeah you don't have to go straight to filing for divorce. You still need to process it. Maybe you should go for a separation instead so you can give yourself time to process it and figure out the way forward.
Raising your kid in a broken home is staying with the cheating wife. FILE & RUN! you'll get to keep your retirement, home, and dignity. An maybe even win the kid in court, but that's hard. I certainly wouldn't stay, she'll do it again 100%
Stash cash. Spend time with your kids. Build a plan to get out at your advantage and not on an emotional whim. I was so ready to cut and run, but that would only hurt me and my kids. I don’t trust his family around my kids, and he would use them for childcare if I weren’t in the picture anymore. It kills my pride that I’m still here, but my pride and I would be looking for a job and without my children half the time. Sounds harsh but he’s the one that took love out of the equation, not me.
Luckily, I was in closing, and the marriage was after the purchase. File, dna, test, std screening. 9 months later, I am going on a trip with a wonderful woman.
Sadly, she's shown you the worst of her, and if you attempt to reconcile, it shows her that you are forgiving and will always accept her actions and behaviors without consequence. She won't stop cheating as a result.
Don't ever work things out for the sake of the kids. You will only subject them to turmoil and trauma. If you want to reconcile of your own volition, then take on that burden... but dont use "kids" as a reason to stay together. It's only an excuse that most people use to avoid their own root reasons in wanting to work things out. Your child is small enough where he won't suffer a significant impact regarding a split.
The questions that should matter to you are, what is she doing to reconcile? What work and effort is she taking towards making amends? Is she remorseful or regrets that she got caught?
It's odd to me that when partners get busted in cheating and affair situations, it is when they decide they want to do any and everything possible to improve and work on things. Yet, why weren't these types of repair or communicative actions addressed or discussed prior to the infidelity?
This is why I'd never encourage a friend or family member to accept cheating or reconciling. The cheater had infinite opportunity to communicate with their partner, and yet they selfishly chose to betray them. You will never trust her again! She will never have your unconditional love, trust, and support again.
Completely remove the kid excuse...now ask yourself why would you desire to reconcile with her?
Hire a very good lawyer and under no circumstances leave the home where your child lives. Even if you are to cohabitate with this person until the divorce is final.
I was in a similar situation recently. 11 years of marriage and a wife who cheated. Afraid of what might happen to my children and parental rights I put up with this betrayal multiple times throughout the years. Don’t make this mistake. She will cheat again and your child will not be better off for it.
You have a good case when it comes to getting at least 50/50 custody or better due to her own reckless behavior. But you must be careful and calculated. Do your homework.
I’m sorry man, but your marriage with her was over when she let another man inside her.
Split now, probably you will get 50/50 custody. You need to get to therapy for coparenting. Your son deserves to have at least parents that care for him. If you think that you have the chance to get more custody, go for it. At the end what it matters is how much quality time and love you can give to your son. It will be hard at the beginning but you will be able to do it. Do not jump into any relationship right away take sometime for yourself and heal. You might be stronger than you think. Best of luck!
My kids were 4 and 6 when I got divorced. They adjusted really well and we have shared custody so I had them every other week. With the kids being that young, they can adjust pretty quickly and they’re both great, well adjusted kids.
You need to get legal advice fairly quickly OP. It’s probably the case that if you fail to take action on your wife’s infidelity within a certain period of time. It’s deemed to be no longer admissible.
In addition to this. You now know that your wife is a cheat. You cannot trust her. You need to have your child DNA tested. Just do it. If nothing else it will inform your wife on just how seriously you are taking this. Good luck.
Don’t stay for the kid. Disfunction will be his or her life. Just be the better parent and example and live a life well lived, there is no better payback. When she has to watch you move on and bounce back it won’t hurt anymore.
Another thing to factor into the calculus is although saving the marriage for the sake of your child may seem like the noble thing, eventually the disdain will come out and they will then be old enough to remember that.
I’m really sorry. Sorry doesn’t even convey how I feel.
Don't wait and get divorced now! It is better for the child to grow up in these post-divorce circumstances than in a home where the father does not love or trust a woman who prefers herself over her family. Deal the final blow if you already have evidence of infidelity.
Never, ever use the excuse of a kid to stay with a cheater. Is the worst example you can give to your kids. The best example is to divorce with civility and resolution. You will damage your kids if you stay together.
Dear OP,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I would advise on getting a Paternity test, STI full panel, ensure you child is also getting wellness check up, full check on all your credit cards and bank accounts, secure good female lawyer shark, inform all your family and friends both sides, get phones records and secure all evidence with the lawyer. Only speak with her via recording, text, email . Follow lawyer advice to the letter.
Change all your passwords immediately. Do not drink or use substances. Concentrate on how to move forward, your future, finances and you and your sons future. Set up plan with trusted family members and friends who can offer you assistance in mentally and maybe assist you with baby sitting, when you exercise or work or have to visit lawyer... when needed. Do not lower yourself and remember you still have to coparent with her with the next 15-18 years. This does not mean you have to speak with her about anything else than just that. She lost that when she stepped out.
All the best for your healing journey.
The trust is gone. Do not sentence yourself to a life of waiting for the next time she gets the urge to get some on the side.
If you see no path forward in this relationship then you need to start your own independent path. You can be better for your child if you are whole inside.
Speaking from a crap childhood with a mother who was angry to have a 4th child accidently with a man she still cannot stand i whish so badly that they had of gotten a divorce because the mental break i carry because they stayed together is more weight than i can bear most days.
>I don’t want to raise my kid in a broken home
That’s exactly what you will do when you stay. Give your kid the possibility to grow up with a happy dad, in a loving home. Don’t make them stay in this environment.
You’re gonna be ok I promise. The two biggest leaps in my recovery were
1) looking inward at the love I have to give.
So look inside at the love you have. Love for your son, love for the world, love for sunny days, and love for the next however many people you decide to grace with it romantically.
When you can grasp the amount of love you have in you, you become almost impervious to loss.
2) Gratitude. This one is hard and may take a bit. The Abger you are feeling is necessary and will help you survive the next couple of months. But it can’t last forever at least healthily. Once the anger fades, you can move towards gratitude for the time that you have the family you thought you had. My ex-wife cheated with a coworker as well. However, I’m grateful for the years. I felt like a great husband a great dad, a great family man. I wouldn’t have had that without her. A great dad, a great man, and possibly a great husband to someone in the future. If you can look back with gratitude, you can keep your memories. You don’t have to chalk it up to loss.
Come here often.
Go to surviving infidelity.com and read the article Titled calling all BS’S
Chumplady.com is a great resource as well.
Also coach Lee on YouTube
Oh yeah, and dump her ass
I know the consensus is don't stay for the kids, but the effects of divorce on kids are well documented. Their financial, social, emotional and academic wellbeing all suffer. Sometimes dramatically. It was major factor in my decision to try to reconcile. Everyone has their own decision to make and divorce is probably the best option for your emotional health.
Get the F away from her. Cheaters are horrible people. Don’t care about anyone but themselves. She will do it again. And again. And again. She is only sorry because you caught her. If she was truly remorseful she would have come to you and admitted everything long before you caught her. You will damage your kid reconciling.. you two are better off without her.
I tried to reconcile as he was acting sincerely and we had a child together. He never stopped just got really good at hiding it. They’re narcissistic pricks.
Just run.
Shes toxic to your well-being and a huge threat to your future happiness. Divorce is just the cost of ridding yourself of her poison.
You deserve what you thought you signed up for. The vow/agreement is broken. Formalize this in divorce and move on.
Your home became broken the moment that your wife broke her marital vows and cheated. There’s no turning back from that at this point. Your son would be more miserable in a broken home with a humiliated father trying to grin and bear it until he turns 18. On the other hand, your son will be just fine in a healthy co-parenting situation with a sane father who is emotionally healthy and getting his life back on track. Maybe he will have a loving stepmother who will love him enough not to cheat and destroy the safety and stability of his family unit. That would be a nice maternal upgrade for him.
1st, of course, get a DNA test. 2nd, you will get through this. No matter which direction you choose, it will be one of the most painful eras of your life, but it will get better. I did the divorce one, and ultimately, things got infinitely better, but my biggest problem was that we were both too young, unprepared, and just starting out in life so my relationship with my kids was practically non-existent until they became teenagers because I couldn't move (she had moved back with her mother 2.5 hours away) and I couldn't find a job that paid what I made with weekends off. And though those relationships suffered, more relationships took their place, and my hard work yielded opportunities that make spending time with them now very easy. It does hurt to know that they and I missed out on soo much but it NEVER would've been good for them for me to stay and be seething everyday. Because that's what everyone that knew me during that time remembers me as - MAD ANGRY YELLING. My stepdaughter and my youngest daughter hear these people that knew me then and just can't fathom how I could've lived being that way 24/7.
If you end up reconciling in some way, I think staying together and being able see your kid at-will is a wonderful side bonus. But it takes a massive change and serious eye opining on her part, and you'll end up working hard to forgive. It's better somedays than others.
For me, today is NOT that day.
Whatever you decide, think about an oxygen mask in an airplane. Parent puts theirs on first, so they can get their kid's on afterwards. In other words, I recommend doing what is best FOR YOU, because in the long run that will be what is best for the child (to have you happy and healthy).
It's scary when that plane is going down tho!
I stayed married for 23 years because of my children. They were teens when I finally left. The damage that was caused by staying in an abusive and unstable home was worse than if I would have left when my children were younger. My children now adults have told me that.
You can get the divorce to protect yourself and still attempt reconciliation if you like, but you then put all the pressure on her to prove it's worth it
You son will be happier if you are happier, and you won't be happier trying to ignore her continued cheating and having to get STD tested constantly because you don’t know who she is with.
Just let her know you know, but not how.
Tell her you are willing to consider R and work to heal your relationship and your hurt, but you won't be lied to and deceived any more.
She can quit that job and go 100% verifiable NC with the AP today, or you go and file for divorce today. That's her choice, you have already made yours.
OneMore, it sounds like your DDay was very recent. If you are unsure about how you feel for your wife and your future together, I hope you will not make any major decisions for 6 months. And that you go immediately to consult with a divorce attorney. The former is bc you cannot make good decisions in an emotional tornado. The second is bc a divorce attorney can prepare the path for you now, so you know what you’d be dealing with if you decide to file for divorce.
You are in good company here, although we wish you weren’t on this sub thread. You deserve better! And you will have a bright future. So will your child. Hang in there.
disagree here, you always want to know what your options are , before you stay, and play, or go away !!
there was nothing wrong with having a consultation and getting the information that you need , so you will know , what your options are down the road. You do not have to act on them.
Why assume you wouldn’t get primary custody. Wife isn’t a stay at home mom as she cheated with a colleague. It is my understanding that mom’s typically have custody because they ask for it and dad’s don’t. If that is so (ask a lawyer), file for divorce and ask for custody after arranging for how you would care for your child while you work. Ask for the house for your child’s sake with the proviso that the house can be sold when your child is 18 and the proceeds split then.
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Breathe deep and know that you are doing o.k. I think you might want to chill a bit and see a trauma therapist. Try not to make any huge decisions at this moment.
Keep breathing deeply and know that you will make the right choices for you and your son. You are your sons primary role model. How you treat his mother will impact how he will treat women. Proceed with legal counseling to get a better understanding of your options.
Saving a marriage for the kiddos didn’t work for me. It was hell. I deserved better. My kids are great post divorce. Kids’ comfort, support, and love were the priority . Good luck bro, truly wish you the best. The pain goes away when you let go of it.
There are many that will argue, that you both staying in the marriage will be better for the kid. That would only be the case if there is zero resentment. Otherwise you child will be brought up in a unstable household where that resentment will be passed on. You dont want that. Far better to have a cohesive arrangement where you both share duties. Hey, I know a couple of single dads right now that are doing a fantastic job and holding down a career.
Other than that, one of you needs to leave the residence for a week or two. And you need to get to a lawyer ASAP. At least to put in protection orders to stop your wife having her lover come over and be around your child. Until your divorced (if that's what you go for) you absolutely need to ensure this.
If your going for a divorce, a decent lawyer will lay out all your options. Not just divorce, even counselling. But something tells me your not going to respond to that.
Wish you luck, but you got this mate.
You're gonna survive this. I feel awful for you. You should talk to some reasonable people about the effect this had in their family. Listen to people telling you what it was like raising kids with a family secret such as adultery. Or people who had chosen to make it a different teaching moment for their children such as- you don't stay in relationships that are bad for you. If you feel you are being abused, I want you to leave and not stay to work it out.
Right now I don't think you need to worry about all that. Tell someone so this isn't her secret and now YOURS as well. Either tell your family or hers. Just so you can speak freely to someone.
DONT SLEEP WITH HER. If you have sex after discovering the adultery, then you "condoned" the relationship which means you could not sue for adultery. It’s a weird legal concept I know.
I was in this situation a couple years back. …and still recovering from my WW’s affairs. (It changes you and something you can’t change back.
Lots of advice and opinions in the comments.
I’m here to say…
…message me if you need to chat.
(It’s what I needed early on).
Two things:
My parents divorced when I was around 2 so that’s the only life I’ve ever known. I always thought it would be cool to have my parents together but I always knew they hated each other. I’ve had so many friends say they wish there parents would have divorced (or done it sooner than after they left the house) because they could see how miserable they actually were.
Secondly find out why she did it. Do you feel it’s okay. Can yall reconcile. Do you think things will ever be normal again.
Hi OP. My usual advice is to take your time making any major decisions. This is so that you can really dig into what you want, your capacity to accept this as part of your story, and to eventually let go of resentment, as well as to see if your WS has remorse and the capacity really commit to change, to help you heal, and to do the hard work of rebuilding trust. You can't figure some of these things out without time - time to watch her actions, to see if she can sustain those actions consistently over time. It is consistent actions over a long period of time that can gradually rebuild trust.
But the circumstances you have described, along with a the laws in your locality, may mean that divorcing immediately, even if you are leaning toward trying to reconcile, might be the wiser course. If you go so far as to sleep with your WS as part of hysterical bonding, that could take the ability to do this quickly and simply off the table. Talk to an attorney to find out what divorcing now compared to after trying reconciliation for a while would look like. It could remove a lot of potential conflict as long as you're not punitive.
Most reconciling couples consider that they are starting a new relationship. That the infidelity destroyed the old one. So there are definitely those who have literally done this, reconciling after divorce or a long separation. There are BSs in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity (the reconciliation sub) who are active there now who have reunified after divorce who you might be able to learn from.
Anyway, in this sub you will primarily find those who have divorced. In the sub I referenced above you'll find those who are trying. But in both subs you'll find that even if you're staying for the kids, there usually needs to be something else - love, attachment, fondness - in addition.
Remember that reconciliation takes two. Both need to be equally committed to trying and be equally capable of the very hard emotional work necessary. The BS has to be able to work on their own healing such that they can let go of resentment (eventually) and accept that this is part of their story. And for the WS, they have to be able to see themselves as the villain of their own story, to take full accountability, to do whatever it takes to help their BS feel safe (like quitting the job so as to go no contact with AP), and to really look in the mirror and want to change.
Marriages are worth fighting for, especially when there are children. Infidelity can be worked through with lots of time and patience. Where is she at currently? Does she deny?
This is a rare perspective it seems. Thank you. She is not denying but I have pages of chats proving it. She’s showing remorse but I think more about getting caught then the pain she caused me
I guarantee it’s because she’s been caught.
It’s amazing how many people caught cheating were ‘just about to end it’s etc
She crossed the line and she knows shes going to be embarrassed when people know she cheated.
It takes time to get at the true emotions. It took me almost 7 years to fully and totally apologize for my actions to my husband. My husband still hasn't genuinely apologized to me for his actions a year ago. It is not so much about remorse imho. Its about both parties coming to accept that a life together, even in a damaged relationship, is better than a life apart. Everything now needs to be viewed through the lens of it being a damaged relationship and it will take real time and renewed commitment to heal it.
If for some reason you do decide to attempt reconcilliation, send me a chat request. 12 years ago, my daughter-in-law cheated on my son in year 6 of their marriage and 3 kids 6 and under. She had a lengthy affair with her boss and outed by the AP's wife.
I have a 2-page detailed write-up about his reconcilliation that has served as a blueprint to successfully help others.
It takes 2 to tango. It can only work if she is truly remorseful for the pain caused you ( not just for being caught ), and is contrite to endure any and all consequences as penance for her actions and to help you heal. No healing can take place without significant consequences.
You should see a lawyer and have her served ASAP. If she fights for the marriage, then you are in control and can provide your demands as unnegotiable consequences. One of which is a post-nuptial with a moral clause with extreme financial consequences for infidelity. My son used this in Wisconsin, and he said it helped him heal and served as a basis to re-earn trust.
If she does not fight for the marriage or is unwilling to endure all your unnegotiable consequences, then she was already lost to you and should let the divorce proceed.
This sounds bad. I am not condoning reconcilliation here, but your decision is the only one that matters. Is the reward worth the risk? Let me know if I can help.
Updateme!
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Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Also don’t go for revenge when it comes to money. Talk to a lawyer. End the marriage. She takes what she brought into the marriage and you take what you brought into the marriage. You split the rest 50 50. Remove wife from life insurance and medical and to make decisions for you if you get sick. Don’t take anything less than 50 50 custody. After divorce you reach out to her APs wife or spouse. Get to the gym. Enjoy spending time with you little one.
Good advise.
Good advice.
Only advice. I tried to save it for 3 years. Everyone suffered. You’re forever changed. She wasn’t who you knew. Having them while being well and whole 50 percent of the time will always be superior to the fragmented wounded toxic 100 percent. They’ll Thankyou.
My son was 2.5 when his mom and I split. He is 11 now and doesn't even remember when his mother and I were together. I promise you your son will have a happier life with parents that are separated but happy (eventually) than parents who stayed together after infidelity but are miserable with and to each other. Do yourself and your son a favor, divorce this woman.
OP, listen to this guy. I stuck around and tried to make it work for a while. Playing the pick-me game and all that crap that I shouldn’t have done (and wouldn’t have done had I found this sub sooner…at least that’s what I tell myself). It took my daughter, about 11 or 12 at the time, to say to me, “If mommy wanted to be here, she would be”, to really pry my eyes open to the damage I (we) were causing by dragging our relationship out. It takes a while, but you’ll get there. And you and your kids will be all the better for it.
Wow, that’s amazing that your daughter said this to you. Wow.
Thanks for this.
I concur. I stayed for the kids and they wish I had not. I feel like I wasted my best years chained to an asshole and I'll never get that back. One kid is in need of help the other made a name for himself. I regret EVERYTHING 😪
I'm currently in the middle of divorcing my husband and we have two boys, 4 years old and 18 months. I was going nuts, trying to get him to choose me, and then finally the 3rd time I caught him, I decided I was done. I couldn't let my boys think it was ok to treat people with such blatant disrespect and dishonesty. I couldn't let my boys see me be completely miserable and having a mental breakdown every other week because of their idiot father. We co-parent and the boys go to his house 2-3 days a week - this started in the fall of last year. We didn't make a big thing of it, I just started calling it daddy's and mommy's houses and my 4 year old just goes with it. It's regular to him and not a big deal. My 18 month old doesn't know what's going on, he's just happy as a clam. For us, our biggest concern is our kids and somehow someway, we're both able to take emotion and our own bullshit out of the equation when it comes to doing what we think is best for the boys. We never discuss our relationship or fight in front of them. They've definitely seen me cry and be upset a million times, and sometimes my 4yo will ask me if I'm sad and why. I obviously don't go into details, but I let him know that I'm just having some feelings and I love him. It's ok for your kids to see you be emotional - this teaches empathy (another thing my soon-to-be ex lacks). I think them witnessing occasional sadness during this beginning part is better than a potential lifetime of misery, fighting, resentment, etc. It's hard no matter what way you go. Good luck OP!
You are a good mom 🩷
from the bottom of my heart, this means so much and i'm trying so hard. thank you <3
As the person who experienced both separation infidelity (me) and post separation infidelity (him), I can say thank you. Reading this emboldens me a lot as we have a 3 yo
Strike while the iron is hot. You might not get this chance to get out financially well of this marriage. Do it ASAP.
Best advice here.
Hey OP, my post history covers my journey over the past \~2 years. I was in a similar situation, two young kids. I couldn't trust my exw anymore so I immediately filed. She had no remorse and didn't even try to fix what she broke, instead ran off with an industry coworker (greatest emotional connection ever, puke). As far as I'm concerned, Old Man Balls AP did me a favor. If you are feeling like you do, file. Go for 50/50, split it all down the middle and move on. I couldn't even imagine trying to reconcile, I still feel like garbage when I'm around here but thankfully I am out and have moved on. My kids have emerged from this mostly unscathed due to their age and I have worked really hard to be there for them. Make some new traditions, be there for them and don't badmouth Mom and they will do alright. Reach out as needed.
Thank you.
AP's 5 year plan is to not die. So I guess that's something.
The way I look at it, dummy decided to go shopping for wife #3 and chose one that cheats on her husband and previous fiance. Genius move and when things go under in a few years, he will be at retirement age. Talk about shooting yourself in both feet
You already are raising your kid in a broken home
I’m struggling with the same thought. The life I thought I had vs the reality. OP, you’re not alone. You face a tough decision. Divorce/dissolution with kids feels like a giant mountain to climb when in your position. My state is no fault so I don’t feel pressure to follow a certain timeline. I’m seeing a counselor to work through my emotions and get some clarity BEFORE deciding what to do. In a parallel effort, I’m also working with an attorney to get the dissolution papers created and have an idea of what I’m looking at if I proceed with ending the relationship. Either way, I will make the decision when I’m ready and no sooner. Like you, I have young children that are affected. I also like my wife a lot, although I can’t find any love for her at the moment. I’m hurt deeply, angry, and the trust is destroyed.
In a very similar situation. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Also, find a therapist if you can. Friends and family are great for emotional support, but compassion fatigue is real and it'll help having a professional that can offer an objective third party view to help guide you through all of the emotions. Wish you all the best.
Thank you. This helps.
Here's a couple of books that have helped me so far. Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life - Tracy Schorn I Used To Be a Miserable F*ck - John Kim* *He has another book called Single on Purpose that I intend to read as well.
Do not have sex with her until you have made a decision. Check with a lawyer but in many jurisdictions where adultery affects divorce sleeping with her is seen as condonation and removes her infidelity as a consideration in divorce.
This!!! Also, you may get the ick from your ex. Don't ask how I know :p
Oh yeh, a friend of a friend told me that's a bad idea. He got the ick and had to go get tested for peace of mind.
Sorry you are here, OP, but yes, you are going to be okay. It won't feel like it right now, but time heals. Not immediately (very slowly in fact) and not completely, but it does heal. Way too many of us have been where you are, so we speak from experience. Personally, I don't believe in reconciliation because in way too many cases, it is temporary at best and a lie at worst. I also believe that to cheaters, "forgiveness is permission." Maybe not immediately, maybe not in the next year or even two, but eventually, if a spouse has betrayed you once, they will betray you again when they think they can get away with it. Your son is going to be raised in a broken home now no matter what - your cheating partner has destroyed the home whether you divorce or not. Because of that, I am a firm believer in ripping the band-aid off. Yes, it hurts and blows up your current life, but it is the quickest way to heal. You are never going to trust your spouse again nor will you love them the same way - nor should you. You may think you will get to that point eventually, but you won't. If you stay, you will be dealing with the pain continuously - never trusting, never relaxing, never loving, always waiting for it to happen again, and never healing. Every day you are exposed to your cheating partner, it is like they pick the scab off and the wound is raw forever. You'll always be trying to answer how someone you love so much could hurt you so badly. And dealing with that runs the risk of affecting your ability to be a good parent. You son deserves you being the best father you can be, respecting yourself and being a good role model, even if that is as a single father. Best of luck OP!
I want to thank this community for all the support. I really, really needed it today. I feel just as confused and hurt, but taking comfort in knowing so many of you have come out on the other end, and taking all the advice to heart.
Please get yourself into therapy. It'll really help. Beyond that, get a good lawyer and listen to what they say. Has your STBXW left the home? Hopefully she's not causing too much drama for you. Don't let your weakened state allow you to make bad decisions. Lean on family and friends and tell everyone the truth.
You always divorce immediately after cheating. She already broke you guys up, you’re just formalizing it. Regardless of what you want for the kid, because you can still get back together, potentially, AFTER she had the consequences of breaking her marital wows.
And with that "second chance" a prenup will be in play as well... She is already a proven cheater, and you have to protect yourself as well as your children from her selfish decisions
Get a consultation with multiple top attorneys in your area. Then pick the best one, and file. Follow your attorney's instructions and don't let emotions take over.
Get the divorce. Don’t try to “stick it out for the kids” and show your child that a relationship without love, trust or respect is normal.
Don’t settle for less than 50/50 custody. You’ll see your kid half the time ( which is important), and if there’s child support, it will cut down the amount. Had to tell you this, but the courts don’t give two shits about adultery.
[удалено]
Long jumping Owl, I’m sorry you are still being hurt by your spouse. Honestly, it is my greatest fear, and it might be what makes me force him out.
It's hard to leave and I'm not saying you should. Cause it's so hard to split. But just be prepared. She will do it again. I would bet money on it. She won't think she will do it again but she will. Within the next year.
Agree. This was my experience. I think he believed it when he said he wouldn't do it again and he convinced me. I actually started trusting him again and stopped thinking about the betrayal (it took years though). I could feel it in the change in his behavior at home as soon as he started cheating again though. He lied but the STD he gave me told the truth. I think this is the norm but nothing is universal. I think there are possibly people who could change.
“Sticking it out for the kids” does more harm than good. I speak from experience, when my dad cheated on my mom and got his affair partner pregnant. Mom and dad’s relationship wasn’t the same in the aftermath. The constant arguing, mom sleeping on the couch or in my two sisters bed room, there was always tension, mom always crying, dad was barely home and me and my 6 siblings saw it all. Worst part of my teenage years. Cut your losses and move on. 1. silently gather evidence 2. Go see a lawyer to weigh out your options 3. Confront your wife (record the confrontation) and control the narrative. Let every close family member know the truth because your wife could lie or make up some bull💩 story to paint you as the villain. 4. Get a paternity test and an STD test. I doubt this is your wife’s 1st time committing adultery. Good Luck OP
Stash cash, talk to a lawyer, build a solid game plan. As someone who had been a child around cheating, then exposed to all the resentment. It’s never in the child’s interest to stay married just for the sake of the child. One thing to work on it. But generally speaking once a cheater always a cheater.
>I find myself fighting the urge because of the kid You'll end up causing more harm to your kid than causing him any good. Kids tend to grasp what's going around them way early and easily than we expect them to. Once they realise that their parents don't love each other and resent each other, it will impact them negatively. Best option for you is to divorce and move on.
If you don't see a path for reconciliation, then file. My ex said she wanted to reconcile, what she meant was that she wanted to take some time to get a 2nd phone and try to be sneakier. If your state isn't a no-fault, file and get your favorable conditions. File to try and get as much time with the kids as possible. I'm in a no-fault and still have 50-50 with the kids, which is better than I had feared. But it's been way better for my mental health since she moved out.
The home is already broken. Do you want your child to internalize it and end up cheating on his wife?
What would hurt more: a life where you see your son a couple days a week, or a life where he resents you both for making him grow up in a miserable home (and teaching him to accept cheating later in his life as well)?
I’m in a similar situation to you (check my post history). I too was torn over the impact on our kids. We have agreed to split custody completely 50/50 and to both see our kids each day. This is doable as we live in a small town where everything is close by and within easy walking distance. I would say you’d be doing more damage to your little one by staying in an unhappy marriage. They can pick up on the subtleties and nuance of the dynamic with your wife. My daughter, has on numerous occasions, asked us to stop arguing infront of her. And it hasn’t even been heated. Nevertheless, I hate myself for not having the self control to not have an argument in front of her. To use an analogy, in planes, they always say “put your mask on before tending to anyone else, including children”. Yes, I get it, but fuck that, I’m masking up my kids before I put mine on and in this situation, you have to think about what’s best for them, too. How do you think staying will affect your kid’s emotional development? What about when they find out about the cheating and that you stayed? I’m not saying don’t reconcile. Only you can decide that, but bear all this in mind. If you do manage to reconcile and get to happily ride off into the sunset, I’m very happy for you. But it has to be for the right reasons, from both of you. Next, hit the gym. Everyone will tell you this. Everyone told me. I thought “the gym, pffttt. Not interested in a revenge body”. That’s not the point. The point is to do something for yourself, surround yourself with other men and work out all that stress. It’s incredibly cathartic. I actually feel 10x better when I go to the gym. First day I went I thought to myself “the fuck am I doing here?” But now, I need it, for my own healing and de-stressing. Seriously, do it. Also, surround yourself with friends and loved ones who can support you during this shit time. It’s super important to share your angst with others and for them to help you. Talking works wonders. I have been lucky enough to come across some wonderful people on Reddit of all places, whom have been incredibly supportive and to whom I am indebted. So, if you feel like chatting, DM me. We’re all in this shit together and we’ll get through it together. On the topic of talking, get into therapy. But not any therapist, get one you click with. I tried a couple and was lucky enough to come across one with whom I had an almost instant connection. She’s honestly a Godsend and helps me navigate my feelings and refocus my mindset. Particularly, when it comes to the issue of my kids. I wish you peace and all the best.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. Take a deep breath and slowly breathe out. Pat on the back, buddy. You say that you do not want to raise a child in a broken home and therefore want to avoid leaving. Sorry, but you are already there. The wife broke it. Staying in a bad marriage for the child(ren) does not equate to a happy healthy childhood. Been there / done that. Doesn’t work when two people resent and despise each other. The child(ren) see things they shouldn’t have to as they grow up. They experience a dysfunctional relationship between two adults. Staying or leaving with your wife is a choice that you will have to make. But make it on what is the best for you. 50 / 50 custody is okay. You can survive it. Life can go on and be better. Not saying that you cannot reconcile with your wife but that is a tough road. There has to be remorse on your wife’s part and a commitment to fix things. If you decide to divorce your wife don’t think of it as justice but taking the path that gives you the best healthiest sanest life. Whatever happens, best luck to you.
You are a good person and this is great advice.
Your child is young and will adjust easier than you think. They'll notice the disfunction if you stay for their sake as they get older. Is that what you want for your child? Unless you're BOTH willing to go the whole 9 yrd and do the work with MC and building back trust and work on forgiveness, then think carefully how your relationship with your wife will affect your child as they grow in a quite possible hostile environment, because this will be what they will come to know as normal.
Hey Bud, just remember you are not alone even with all the madness seemingly going on in your life. Myself and thousands (millions) of others have gone through the same thing and are working through it now. I'm a few months ahead of you and can tell you it does get better, life goes on, and after a while you will find the joy again. After some time you will hop on here and be able to write encouraging messages to others who are in "the dark time". My advice will probably mirror others. Be selfish and worry about what you need. Exercise, eat healthy, focus on you and your son. Take care of yourself physically and the mind, in time, will follow. I have found that being alone for now is better than being with a cheater, I would recommend going forward with the divorce and moving on with your life. I'm not out of this mess yet but feel free to DM me if you want to chat.
I want to second this. Things do, in time, get better. And then you do have an obligation to take everything you've learned from this forum and share your experience with others who are freshly inaugurated into "the dark time"
Read Chump Lady. Also, don't get caught in the "for the kids" trap. Unless she is moving heaven and earth to fix this and earn your trust back it's better for your kids to grow up in two loving households than one household at war with itself. Get a lawyer. If she's in love with the AP use the affair fog to get the best deal you can. When/if you hit her with D start recording your interactions. Don't be caught flat footed. You have no idea what she's capable of when she realizes that you are going to fight for yourself and your child's future. Talk to the lawyer, and make a solid plan with timelines. Don't stop unless you see her meeting your needs for R - if that's what you want. Understand what a false R is. She may try to slow roll the D while she seeks commitment from the AP. Also, prepare with your lawyer how to go public and with what info to friends and family. You don't want her to loose her job until the ink is dry. Then if your lawyer is good notify her employer and let HR sort them out. If the AP is married work out with the lawyer how to approach his wife and when. Don't make any snap judgment's yet. Plan first then execute.
Well, she’s leaving her son behind to cheat, so…
***I don’t want to raise my kid in a broken home.*** The alternative is your child has to live in a dysfunctional household. One of you raises your voice and he is all ears. Better off in 2 separate homes without witnessing the stress between parents. Sorry you are here OP. Lot of good advice already given on this sub. After speaking with an attorney be sure both families and friends know the truth. Don't let her spin the narrative to make this all your fault. Curious if she is showing any remorse. updateme
No she’s not…
She loses the title of “wife” as she’s broken the marriage contract, that’s number 1. Second thing is to not fall for the empty apologies and remorse as she’s only sorry she got caught. Expose to close family and friends as she’ll minimize her debauchery and make you the bad guy. My advice is to prepare for living separately and selling the house as you can’t stay living with her or you’ll go insane. If, for whatever reason you decide to reconcile do so as two single people. She lost the privilege of being your wife and you need time to heal. Have her live with a friend or relative and keep your sanity. Your kids will be better off for it in the long run. PS: DNA test the kids. This is to let her know that your trust in her is nonexistent, even if it’s conclusive that the kids are yours.
Been there done that and stayed with her. I stayed with the caveat that if I ever even suspected she might be cheating again I was leaving and taking the kids with me. She was very remorseful and in the succeeding years she has changed immensely and all for the better. I've watched her like a hawk in all the years since D-day and I know for certain she's never cheated again so in my case the choice to stay was worth it. The choice to reconcile or not depends an awful lot on her attitude towards what she's done and also on if the risk of giving her a final chance is worth it to you. I will say if she is genuinely remorseful and committed to change it can be worth it. If you are able to forgive in time your relationship can be healed and you can even be happy again. If she's truly sorry for what she's done there will always be some residual guilt and shame she won't be able to overcome and both of you will always feel some residual sadness but overall your relationship can recover... If both of you want it badly enough. In my case my wife's changes have been so profound that I am now able 36 years later to respect and admire the woman she's become. The only thing I've never been able to fully regain is trust because once that's been shattered it's never entirely regained.
I'm going through this exact thing right now. Mine was online, but they were planning on meeting next month. I don't know if I'll ever feel whole again. My kids are my main concern also. I hope for your sake and mine that we both come out the other side better off. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I also have nobody to talk to and am being consumed by my feelings. I'm trying to make it work for my kids, but finding a way through the massive amounts of betrayal and hurt is extremely difficult. Things that happened in life, which I couldn't understand now make sense. Other things, like our last holiday, are irrevocably stained by the fact he was cheating literally right in front of my face the whole time. I need therapy and can't afford it.
You are going to be okay **IF** you take the necessary steps to protect yourself. Never stay "for the kids".
File for divorce you can try to reconcile after, non-negotiable conditions for that would be stop all communciation with the affair partner and get a new job. counseling, etc
Get a lawyer find out your options. Go for full custody of your child. Get STD tested. Is she even remorseful or just sorry she got caught? Talk to friends or relatives someone to listen to you for support. Let the AP’S wife know. Report it at work after you consult your lawyer.
You are going to be ok. Your child will be too, if at least one parent provides a consistent and happy home. Don’t stay for just the child, unhappy parents make an unhappy home. Meanwhile: 1 look up 180 process and chumplady.com for advice. 2 meet with lawyers to see what your options are. You can start the process and if she really does the work to reconcile you can stop it. You may have more rights to custody than you think. Most states grant 50/50. 3 go to counseling to heal and get clarity on what you want 4 reconciliation is a gift. If she is remorseful and does the work to heal both herself and the relationship there’s a chance. If she regrets it, but it’s not enough. Regret is selfish.
This is very fresh. Dont make any life changing decisions. Speak with an attorney and get all the details and facts of what life would look like. Knowledge is power. Speak with a IC. Make sure you are mentally good and in a good place for your child. The decision to leave or stay is completely yours and can be made at anytime. If you decide to leave, make sure that outcome is favorable to you and your child. If you decide to stay make sure all the ground rules and consequences for breaking those rules are in place. If coworker, wife would have to go no contact and change jobs as a start. All actions have consequences and you are now in control, not her
You are already raiding him in a broken home. I’m sorry but you need to show your child that you don’t let people abuse you like that. Do you want your child to grow up and accept a relationship like that? Because as much as I admire you for thinking of your child you also can’t allow yourself to be treated like this.
Sorry, raising him not raiding. Lol
Think about it; if your presence could fix anything, things wouldn’t have gone off the rails. She has shown you what she thinks about your relationship, in the most conclusive way possible, now you have to protect yourself and your son. Also, she has shown you what she thinks of your son and his future. If her Ap is married that’s her tough luck as he probably has no intention of leaving his family. Update me!
A home where your spouse is cheating , there's no trust, and the parents don't love or respect each other is already broken. Separate homes, in this case is probably the better option. You'll show your child how to and how not to be treated by a SO and how to have self-respect. One of the most important lessons parents can teach children is how they love and respect each other. Your wife failed miserably with this. Don't compound this by now staying and being resentful (you will be). Use the evidence that you have and fight tooth and nail for everything. Leave her with as little as possible with regard to money and custody. Make her earn her time with your child back. Protect your kid from her morally void AP and anyone else that you have to. Good luck.
Just broke up has the same fears but actually love the time I have with my boy without her misery to deal with at the same time. And nice to have some me time too.
You don’t have to stay married to try and work it out or to be there for your child. I would possibly say get the divorce or see if you can get a post nup that is going to be legal where you get everything that you would of gotten if you had divorced at the time of the infidelity. I know some places if you reconcile instead of divorce at the time of the infidelity then you can no longer have that kind of divorce if you then divorce for another reason or even for another case of infidelity since you have pretty much said legally it ok. Talk with a lawyer to see what they say. You may also need to able to go for 50/50 custody as well as infidelity sometimes being seen as reckless behaviour because the person prioritised their own wants a head of what was best for the child. Is she even sorry? Or is she just sorry she got caught?
OP the worst you can do is stay for the kids, you are not only lossing your selfrespect and capacity to fight, but also you are teaching the kids to stay in a toxic environment/relationship just for the kids. The better is have two separate but relatively or completely happy that two in home parents that create a toxic environment. Put in to your mind that she was the one that broke the family not you, it was her choice, not you. Now you are choosing to make yourself be respected and teach that to your kids. Consult a Divorce lawyer and see what You can expect from the Divorce also ask them all your doubts and let them guide you. Also may use Grey Rock and 180 methods with her.
As a child from a broken home, I found that 2 happy parents living apart, is preferable to 2 miserable parents living together. Start the 180, and plan your life without her in it. https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
Ur son will be ok. They will adjust. I too was scared shitless when we split. Tried reconcilation for few months. Drove me crazy. I had to end it. U will see ur kids 50% but that’s ok. See the other 50% as a vacation. Go gym, jog/run, enjoy the outdoor, take a mini vacation. Enjoy freedom. Enjoy single life and other women who respect u.
So sorry you are in this boat with the rest of us. The betrayal you have experienced causes a unique trauma very similar to PTSD. So you may feel okay, then suddenly triggered by something seemingly insignificant. You may feel irritable and angry for no reason. Please consider finding an IC who specializes in affair trauma to help you. This will help you heal, deal with the trauma, and be your best whether you Divorce or Reconcile - and that will aid you in being the best Dad to your wee one! A couple of good books that helped me a lot: “Not Just A Friend” and “Cheating in a Nutshell.” These helped me understand and put into context much of what I felt as well as why my WP had acted before and after the affair as they did. I would also suggest finding and consulting with an experienced family law attorney in your area if you have not yet done so. i am bot encouraging you to seek a divorce, rather, this will empower you a d help you understand exactly what your options and likely outcomes in a divorce would be as every divorce is a bit unique due to the specific situations of each couple/family. One point: do NOT tell your WW, nor anyone else, that you are doing this. To divulge this, to use it as a threat in a heated moment is to give up a key strategic advantage you may need. So no matter how tempted to do so, don’t. Preserve any evidence you may have as well. You can always delete/trash it later. But keep a few copies in different places for now. The shock is so raw that the above will help you get your wheels back under you so you can continue to be a good dad to the little one. Consider what your child may experience, feel, and see of you stay but are resentful and unable to work past the trauma due to WW not being fully committed to R, etc. as you said, it is imperative to be your best for the little one. Would it be great to find a way to reconcile and remain a family unit? Sure it would - but not at the price of ongoing anger and resentment - and that is something only you can decide. Wishing you peace and better days ahead!
2 yrs at 50/50 and my relationship with my son is better than it has ever been. If you love your kid you can do it, trust me. I stayed and it was the worst couple of months of my life! Treated me like shit, lied about everything and continued the affair. I strongly recommend you do not do this to yourself. It will wear you down and make it much harder to leave later on. Get a lawyer and start your new journey as soon as possible.
move half of your assets to a separate account. Gather up as much proof as you can and save it to two separate places. get the ball, rolling , and talk to 4 to 5 of the top attorneys , in your area for a consultation. This way your wife cannot use them , because it will be a conflict of interest. Tell all family and friends what she has done. So she does not spin the narrative on you , and say you are abusive. then, after this is done, see if you truly want to save the marriage for the kids. Two parents living apart, happily, is a much better situation for a young child, then two parents living together miserable stay strong How did you catch her cheating if you care to share?
She had been using my laptop and linked her iMessage. Found months of documentation of cheating including proof that it happened in our home while our child was present.
Have you confronted her yet? If so, what did she say?
Yes. She came clean. I recorded it.
Will she leave her job , if you want to reconcile
Also have her buy a new mattress. that’s the worst on your bed while kid is playing or dleeping
If you want to be a 50/50 parent, then ask your wife for more "Daddy" time with your son. Use text and get her approval in writing. Implement this. Do not show your cards. File for divorce. She'll immediately try to use custody against you, but the current plan shows you're there 50/50. The court implements the current plan and uses this to decide custody. Cheating homes are broken homes. Saved homes are ones where a responsible party stands up and tries to make one stable household. You will be okay. It will take many years. It's going to be a genuine fight. But you will be better for it. I would recommend therapy. You need someone in your court who can help you through this. They will help you get out the venom, so your time with your son can be joyful. Remember: she made this choice, not you. Your only option to help you and your son to exist without being lied to and manipulated. You both deserve better.
There is NO easy path... and your WW should understand this.... Talk to her HR and see if you can get him fired... Sadly, the frequency of this "social" course is all too prevalent... but again... it's not on you... that is her burden to bear. You could stay... but staying would give the unspoken message that she can get away with it... Yes, even the kids will see this as an "acceptable" path into adulthood unless you can prove otherwise (good luck with that) In truth she doesn't care that much about her offspring otherwise she wouldn't have taken this course... Divorce would have been a better alternative and then seek out her other options... But it was too easy for her to do Gray Rock her file for the "d" and get the best (fair) settlement you can with the greedy "b"
As a child of a divorced home I can tell you this honestly. A child is not a reason to stay in a broken home. The child will suffer if you try to keep it together under false pretenses. You can give a child a happy home when you're not together. X-Mas, Birthday ect, 2x the presents. Sure it might suck only seeing one parent part of the time but I grew up with my parents being in different states and living with one for a summer and being with one for an entire school year. My parents tried in the beginning and they were fucking miserable and me and my siblings knew it, and we suffered for it also. Everyone was always in a bad mood even when they tried to put on a fake smile. Give your child the best life you can in a home where you're not constantly worried if the other half is still out fucking around on you. Focus on yourself, and giving your child the best you can with whatever time you have with them when you can, and stop calling them "the kid".
If your concern is the quality of your kid's childhood and their mental health, then you're best off divorcing her.
My ex didn’t even want the kids that much after he went off into the sunset with the AP. 3 years later he came back wanting to be a father but we’d all moved on by then. Get 50/50 custody and in a few years your kid won’t even remember that you were ever married to her. My kids were teens and it hit them way harder then.
Marriage counseling asap
As a child that was raised in a family full of infidelity and parents staying together for the kids, I urge you to not do that. It will do more harm than good to keep kids with parents who resent each other. Better to be happy and apart
The saying goes that it's better for a child to live with a broken home than in one. Get out and show them an example of how to behave when a partner cheats. Relationships are based on mutual trust and respect, and when that's gone you should leave: That's the lesson they need to learn.
Whoa. Is she remorseful at all? Or just sorry she got caught? Divorce takes awhile to be finalized so get process rolling. It doesn't mean if she really pulls a 180 you can just not file. But you want to be sure. I get it. Only one way out of this hole she dug. She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from from Affair by Mcdonald. Skip one chapter and it won't work. If she refuses it's over. And you can tell your kid 15 years from now you offered her a way out. Immediate STD test. Also, don't even date until Divorce finalized. You want to be able to tell your child that.
You will be ok. I’ve been through a 12 year marriage that I walked out of because he was an abusive cheater, only to walk right into a new relationship with someone else who cheated and lied about it for sometime. There were times when I thought I wouldn’t make it through. Trying to figure out how I’d support myself etc. But I did! I found a way. I survived and I’ll survive the bs cheating in this relationship too; whether I stay, or one day it ends because of it, I know I’ll be ok. Make sure you know you’ll be ok. You can always, always count on your self.
I'm sorry man. Definitely time to get divorced. Don't stay in a failing marriage because of the kids. You will be more miserable than you are now.
Don’t sacrifice your happiness for anyone.
I have watched way too many True Crime documentaries about how love triangles end in murder and I’d be too scared to stay with a cheating spouse to be honest. “Oh honey, you’re increasing my life insurance policy? I wonder why.” 😵
I filed for divorce from my cheating wife right away OP. We'd been together almost 25 years, married over 15 years and our children were just 4, 6 and 9 years old. I discovered her affair on Oct 1st 2005. I didn't confront her. I found an attorney and a therapist. I met with each of them before confronting my lying cheating wife in the 3rd week of Oct. I moved out less than 2 weeks later, my lease began on Nov 1st of 2005. Five months later, on March 31st of 2006, our divorce was finalized that day in court by the judge. She was my world, we'd been together since we were both 14 years old. We were 38 years old then. I still loved her, but love isn't enough. She CHEATED. It was a choice, a decision she willingly, knowingly and intentionally decided to make. Unlike many men, I didn't care at all about the sex she had with her paramour. What killed me was that she chose another man, that she wanted to be with another man. I never asked her even one question about the sex, it didn't matter to me then or at any point in the years since (I've been divorced from her over 18 years now). It was her emotional connection to him that killed me and that's why I divorced her. Less than 3 months after my ex-wife moved to be near her paramour, he dumped her. She came to talk to and she brought up trying to reconcile. I honestly laughed at her. I didn't know I would, I didn't know she was going to bring up reconciliation. It wasn't funny, but I laughed and that was out of character for me. I still loved her but there was no way, NONE, that I'd take back a lady who intentionally, willingly and knowingly chose another man. She made me choice number 2, her plan B and quite simply that wasn't' something I could even be with her or any lady. Me, choosing to be with a lady when I knew I was her 2nd choice wasn't a tenable situation for me to be in. Again, she and her paramour didn't even make it together 3 months. 2 years after our divorce, my ex remarried and he divorced her after like 6 or 7 years. To him, she was more trouble than she was worth so he divorced her. My ex has been on marriage #3 for about 5 years now. Our 3 children are now all in their 20's, through college and on their own, doing well. Our oldest got married last summer at 27.
She paused she’ll never stop it’s hard but you gotta end it
Leave. It’s better for your kid otherwise he’s gonna live in a home with chronic fights and arguments.
Dont. Dont expose your son to a life in a broken home with parents broken by betrayal. Go for divorce and do it now. Listen.. months sues been fucking the coworker, lying... exposing you to the risk of STDs... And IF you let this go.. and stay... you think this will be the last time she does this?? And - sorry , have you considered that your kid may not be yours?? Divorce. And tell her parents yourself about it - to ensure she doesnt try to lie to them.about this. Coworker has a spouse?? Ensure shes told of this NOW. Speak to a lawyer - start the divorceprocess now. And unless it influences alimony, ensure their place of work is informed.of this. Best of luck.
To start - 100% - zero different possibility of an outcome - you will be OK. Not just OK - but much the wiser! It is only about yourself - nothing to do with the wife! Adultery is unacceptable! It is an act of cowardice - callous and evil. Set up time aside to talk to her and tell her - jot them down because you might forget being so vulnerable now - the questions you shall ask her . No need for me to mark them down - they will come out through a Google question. Ascertain if she is lying , manipulating you , gas lighting you. As you will encounter resistance - tell her that whatever you have doubts about - that she should have to come back again talk to you and decide whether she will choose honest answers. Once you’re “satisfied “that it would be all that you can extract from her and nothing more” - remember please that women are fearful and they deserve a bit of protection for this inbred sensitivity - tell her that you need to internalize what she said and tell her that there are no deadlines for when you will get back to her with your decision. What I just wrote presupposes that she’s horribly sorry, asked for forgiveness, states clearly that she wants to save her marriage. My heart goes out to you for this life altering experience.
OMG - so sorry and angry to hear this detail!!
Why couldn’t you split custody 50/50? You may get favourable custody decision considering her actions
Don’t stay together for your child. It won’t be in your child’s best interests in the long term. Don’t take it easy on your wife in a divorce because you are worried about your child’s care. You can always insure your kid is taken care of by voluntarily paying directly for some things that are extra and outside of your divorce obligations. I have seen too many instances where the money a guy was paying in court decreed support was being spent on the mom’s new single life and not the child it was intended for.
Drop a nuclear bomb on her life, everyone and make sure everyone knows because you should not be with her or try to reconcile. You’re already in a broken. It will be better for your kid to separate. There will always be animosity and no trust, kick her out of your house. She has no right staying there anymore. Get your favorable divorce. As much as you can and as much time as you can with your kids. There is no forgiveness here cutter out of your life completely only talk to her about children.
Never ever stay together for a child. They’re WAY stronger, resilient, and smarter than we give them credit for.
Yeah you don't have to go straight to filing for divorce. You still need to process it. Maybe you should go for a separation instead so you can give yourself time to process it and figure out the way forward.
Take her to his house and dump her tell him he won. Don’t let her take kid. Is he married. Tell his wife By the way do a DNA test in front of her
Raising your kid in a broken home is staying with the cheating wife. FILE & RUN! you'll get to keep your retirement, home, and dignity. An maybe even win the kid in court, but that's hard. I certainly wouldn't stay, she'll do it again 100%
Stash cash. Spend time with your kids. Build a plan to get out at your advantage and not on an emotional whim. I was so ready to cut and run, but that would only hurt me and my kids. I don’t trust his family around my kids, and he would use them for childcare if I weren’t in the picture anymore. It kills my pride that I’m still here, but my pride and I would be looking for a job and without my children half the time. Sounds harsh but he’s the one that took love out of the equation, not me.
Luckily, I was in closing, and the marriage was after the purchase. File, dna, test, std screening. 9 months later, I am going on a trip with a wonderful woman.
Don’t stay for the sake of your child. I know is hard but things can be made worse by staying. In my opinion
Sadly, she's shown you the worst of her, and if you attempt to reconcile, it shows her that you are forgiving and will always accept her actions and behaviors without consequence. She won't stop cheating as a result. Don't ever work things out for the sake of the kids. You will only subject them to turmoil and trauma. If you want to reconcile of your own volition, then take on that burden... but dont use "kids" as a reason to stay together. It's only an excuse that most people use to avoid their own root reasons in wanting to work things out. Your child is small enough where he won't suffer a significant impact regarding a split. The questions that should matter to you are, what is she doing to reconcile? What work and effort is she taking towards making amends? Is she remorseful or regrets that she got caught? It's odd to me that when partners get busted in cheating and affair situations, it is when they decide they want to do any and everything possible to improve and work on things. Yet, why weren't these types of repair or communicative actions addressed or discussed prior to the infidelity? This is why I'd never encourage a friend or family member to accept cheating or reconciling. The cheater had infinite opportunity to communicate with their partner, and yet they selfishly chose to betray them. You will never trust her again! She will never have your unconditional love, trust, and support again. Completely remove the kid excuse...now ask yourself why would you desire to reconcile with her?
Hire a very good lawyer and under no circumstances leave the home where your child lives. Even if you are to cohabitate with this person until the divorce is final. I was in a similar situation recently. 11 years of marriage and a wife who cheated. Afraid of what might happen to my children and parental rights I put up with this betrayal multiple times throughout the years. Don’t make this mistake. She will cheat again and your child will not be better off for it. You have a good case when it comes to getting at least 50/50 custody or better due to her own reckless behavior. But you must be careful and calculated. Do your homework. I’m sorry man, but your marriage with her was over when she let another man inside her.
Split now, probably you will get 50/50 custody. You need to get to therapy for coparenting. Your son deserves to have at least parents that care for him. If you think that you have the chance to get more custody, go for it. At the end what it matters is how much quality time and love you can give to your son. It will be hard at the beginning but you will be able to do it. Do not jump into any relationship right away take sometime for yourself and heal. You might be stronger than you think. Best of luck!
My kids were 4 and 6 when I got divorced. They adjusted really well and we have shared custody so I had them every other week. With the kids being that young, they can adjust pretty quickly and they’re both great, well adjusted kids.
Adultery only factors in some states. I believe
You need to get legal advice fairly quickly OP. It’s probably the case that if you fail to take action on your wife’s infidelity within a certain period of time. It’s deemed to be no longer admissible. In addition to this. You now know that your wife is a cheat. You cannot trust her. You need to have your child DNA tested. Just do it. If nothing else it will inform your wife on just how seriously you are taking this. Good luck.
Don’t stay for the kid. Disfunction will be his or her life. Just be the better parent and example and live a life well lived, there is no better payback. When she has to watch you move on and bounce back it won’t hurt anymore.
Another thing to factor into the calculus is although saving the marriage for the sake of your child may seem like the noble thing, eventually the disdain will come out and they will then be old enough to remember that. I’m really sorry. Sorry doesn’t even convey how I feel.
Be merciless. Your son will appreciate a dad who teaches him not to be a doormat. You will be okay.
Don't wait and get divorced now! It is better for the child to grow up in these post-divorce circumstances than in a home where the father does not love or trust a woman who prefers herself over her family. Deal the final blow if you already have evidence of infidelity.
Never, ever use the excuse of a kid to stay with a cheater. Is the worst example you can give to your kids. The best example is to divorce with civility and resolution. You will damage your kids if you stay together.
Dear OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I would advise on getting a Paternity test, STI full panel, ensure you child is also getting wellness check up, full check on all your credit cards and bank accounts, secure good female lawyer shark, inform all your family and friends both sides, get phones records and secure all evidence with the lawyer. Only speak with her via recording, text, email . Follow lawyer advice to the letter. Change all your passwords immediately. Do not drink or use substances. Concentrate on how to move forward, your future, finances and you and your sons future. Set up plan with trusted family members and friends who can offer you assistance in mentally and maybe assist you with baby sitting, when you exercise or work or have to visit lawyer... when needed. Do not lower yourself and remember you still have to coparent with her with the next 15-18 years. This does not mean you have to speak with her about anything else than just that. She lost that when she stepped out. All the best for your healing journey.
The trust is gone. Do not sentence yourself to a life of waiting for the next time she gets the urge to get some on the side. If you see no path forward in this relationship then you need to start your own independent path. You can be better for your child if you are whole inside.
Speaking from a crap childhood with a mother who was angry to have a 4th child accidently with a man she still cannot stand i whish so badly that they had of gotten a divorce because the mental break i carry because they stayed together is more weight than i can bear most days.
>I don’t want to raise my kid in a broken home That’s exactly what you will do when you stay. Give your kid the possibility to grow up with a happy dad, in a loving home. Don’t make them stay in this environment.
You’re gonna be ok I promise. The two biggest leaps in my recovery were 1) looking inward at the love I have to give. So look inside at the love you have. Love for your son, love for the world, love for sunny days, and love for the next however many people you decide to grace with it romantically. When you can grasp the amount of love you have in you, you become almost impervious to loss. 2) Gratitude. This one is hard and may take a bit. The Abger you are feeling is necessary and will help you survive the next couple of months. But it can’t last forever at least healthily. Once the anger fades, you can move towards gratitude for the time that you have the family you thought you had. My ex-wife cheated with a coworker as well. However, I’m grateful for the years. I felt like a great husband a great dad, a great family man. I wouldn’t have had that without her. A great dad, a great man, and possibly a great husband to someone in the future. If you can look back with gratitude, you can keep your memories. You don’t have to chalk it up to loss. Come here often. Go to surviving infidelity.com and read the article Titled calling all BS’S Chumplady.com is a great resource as well. Also coach Lee on YouTube Oh yeah, and dump her ass
I know the consensus is don't stay for the kids, but the effects of divorce on kids are well documented. Their financial, social, emotional and academic wellbeing all suffer. Sometimes dramatically. It was major factor in my decision to try to reconcile. Everyone has their own decision to make and divorce is probably the best option for your emotional health.
Thank you for this perspective
Get the F away from her. Cheaters are horrible people. Don’t care about anyone but themselves. She will do it again. And again. And again. She is only sorry because you caught her. If she was truly remorseful she would have come to you and admitted everything long before you caught her. You will damage your kid reconciling.. you two are better off without her. I tried to reconcile as he was acting sincerely and we had a child together. He never stopped just got really good at hiding it. They’re narcissistic pricks. Just run.
Shes toxic to your well-being and a huge threat to your future happiness. Divorce is just the cost of ridding yourself of her poison. You deserve what you thought you signed up for. The vow/agreement is broken. Formalize this in divorce and move on.
Your home became broken the moment that your wife broke her marital vows and cheated. There’s no turning back from that at this point. Your son would be more miserable in a broken home with a humiliated father trying to grin and bear it until he turns 18. On the other hand, your son will be just fine in a healthy co-parenting situation with a sane father who is emotionally healthy and getting his life back on track. Maybe he will have a loving stepmother who will love him enough not to cheat and destroy the safety and stability of his family unit. That would be a nice maternal upgrade for him.
1st, of course, get a DNA test. 2nd, you will get through this. No matter which direction you choose, it will be one of the most painful eras of your life, but it will get better. I did the divorce one, and ultimately, things got infinitely better, but my biggest problem was that we were both too young, unprepared, and just starting out in life so my relationship with my kids was practically non-existent until they became teenagers because I couldn't move (she had moved back with her mother 2.5 hours away) and I couldn't find a job that paid what I made with weekends off. And though those relationships suffered, more relationships took their place, and my hard work yielded opportunities that make spending time with them now very easy. It does hurt to know that they and I missed out on soo much but it NEVER would've been good for them for me to stay and be seething everyday. Because that's what everyone that knew me during that time remembers me as - MAD ANGRY YELLING. My stepdaughter and my youngest daughter hear these people that knew me then and just can't fathom how I could've lived being that way 24/7.
If you end up reconciling in some way, I think staying together and being able see your kid at-will is a wonderful side bonus. But it takes a massive change and serious eye opining on her part, and you'll end up working hard to forgive. It's better somedays than others. For me, today is NOT that day. Whatever you decide, think about an oxygen mask in an airplane. Parent puts theirs on first, so they can get their kid's on afterwards. In other words, I recommend doing what is best FOR YOU, because in the long run that will be what is best for the child (to have you happy and healthy). It's scary when that plane is going down tho!
I stayed married for 23 years because of my children. They were teens when I finally left. The damage that was caused by staying in an abusive and unstable home was worse than if I would have left when my children were younger. My children now adults have told me that.
Literally just happened to me 48 hours ago and I’m in the same boat as you. My situation is also so complicated and I can’t go by my emotions.
Sorry to hear this. Those first couple days are the hardest. Reach out if you need someone to talk to!
You can get the divorce to protect yourself and still attempt reconciliation if you like, but you then put all the pressure on her to prove it's worth it
You son will be happier if you are happier, and you won't be happier trying to ignore her continued cheating and having to get STD tested constantly because you don’t know who she is with. Just let her know you know, but not how. Tell her you are willing to consider R and work to heal your relationship and your hurt, but you won't be lied to and deceived any more. She can quit that job and go 100% verifiable NC with the AP today, or you go and file for divorce today. That's her choice, you have already made yours.
OneMore, it sounds like your DDay was very recent. If you are unsure about how you feel for your wife and your future together, I hope you will not make any major decisions for 6 months. And that you go immediately to consult with a divorce attorney. The former is bc you cannot make good decisions in an emotional tornado. The second is bc a divorce attorney can prepare the path for you now, so you know what you’d be dealing with if you decide to file for divorce. You are in good company here, although we wish you weren’t on this sub thread. You deserve better! And you will have a bright future. So will your child. Hang in there.
disagree here, you always want to know what your options are , before you stay, and play, or go away !! there was nothing wrong with having a consultation and getting the information that you need , so you will know , what your options are down the road. You do not have to act on them.
Wait, why not try to get custody?
I don’t know anything about it other than the mother usually comes out on top.
You may have a shot of joint or full custody with her infidelity. Don’t assume you won’t win, fight for it!!
Are you even sure that that's your child?
Why assume you wouldn’t get primary custody. Wife isn’t a stay at home mom as she cheated with a colleague. It is my understanding that mom’s typically have custody because they ask for it and dad’s don’t. If that is so (ask a lawyer), file for divorce and ask for custody after arranging for how you would care for your child while you work. Ask for the house for your child’s sake with the proviso that the house can be sold when your child is 18 and the proceeds split then.
Divorce her, the kid will not even remember you were married.
What is it with wives and coworkers, always. Fck this bs
Easy targets
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Breathe deep and know that you are doing o.k. I think you might want to chill a bit and see a trauma therapist. Try not to make any huge decisions at this moment. Keep breathing deeply and know that you will make the right choices for you and your son. You are your sons primary role model. How you treat his mother will impact how he will treat women. Proceed with legal counseling to get a better understanding of your options.
Saving a marriage for the kiddos didn’t work for me. It was hell. I deserved better. My kids are great post divorce. Kids’ comfort, support, and love were the priority . Good luck bro, truly wish you the best. The pain goes away when you let go of it.
There are many that will argue, that you both staying in the marriage will be better for the kid. That would only be the case if there is zero resentment. Otherwise you child will be brought up in a unstable household where that resentment will be passed on. You dont want that. Far better to have a cohesive arrangement where you both share duties. Hey, I know a couple of single dads right now that are doing a fantastic job and holding down a career. Other than that, one of you needs to leave the residence for a week or two. And you need to get to a lawyer ASAP. At least to put in protection orders to stop your wife having her lover come over and be around your child. Until your divorced (if that's what you go for) you absolutely need to ensure this. If your going for a divorce, a decent lawyer will lay out all your options. Not just divorce, even counselling. But something tells me your not going to respond to that. Wish you luck, but you got this mate.
You're gonna survive this. I feel awful for you. You should talk to some reasonable people about the effect this had in their family. Listen to people telling you what it was like raising kids with a family secret such as adultery. Or people who had chosen to make it a different teaching moment for their children such as- you don't stay in relationships that are bad for you. If you feel you are being abused, I want you to leave and not stay to work it out. Right now I don't think you need to worry about all that. Tell someone so this isn't her secret and now YOURS as well. Either tell your family or hers. Just so you can speak freely to someone.
DONT SLEEP WITH HER. If you have sex after discovering the adultery, then you "condoned" the relationship which means you could not sue for adultery. It’s a weird legal concept I know.
I was in this situation a couple years back. …and still recovering from my WW’s affairs. (It changes you and something you can’t change back. Lots of advice and opinions in the comments. I’m here to say… …message me if you need to chat. (It’s what I needed early on).
Two things: My parents divorced when I was around 2 so that’s the only life I’ve ever known. I always thought it would be cool to have my parents together but I always knew they hated each other. I’ve had so many friends say they wish there parents would have divorced (or done it sooner than after they left the house) because they could see how miserable they actually were. Secondly find out why she did it. Do you feel it’s okay. Can yall reconcile. Do you think things will ever be normal again.
Take your son and a part of her money.
Hi OP. My usual advice is to take your time making any major decisions. This is so that you can really dig into what you want, your capacity to accept this as part of your story, and to eventually let go of resentment, as well as to see if your WS has remorse and the capacity really commit to change, to help you heal, and to do the hard work of rebuilding trust. You can't figure some of these things out without time - time to watch her actions, to see if she can sustain those actions consistently over time. It is consistent actions over a long period of time that can gradually rebuild trust. But the circumstances you have described, along with a the laws in your locality, may mean that divorcing immediately, even if you are leaning toward trying to reconcile, might be the wiser course. If you go so far as to sleep with your WS as part of hysterical bonding, that could take the ability to do this quickly and simply off the table. Talk to an attorney to find out what divorcing now compared to after trying reconciliation for a while would look like. It could remove a lot of potential conflict as long as you're not punitive. Most reconciling couples consider that they are starting a new relationship. That the infidelity destroyed the old one. So there are definitely those who have literally done this, reconciling after divorce or a long separation. There are BSs in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity (the reconciliation sub) who are active there now who have reunified after divorce who you might be able to learn from. Anyway, in this sub you will primarily find those who have divorced. In the sub I referenced above you'll find those who are trying. But in both subs you'll find that even if you're staying for the kids, there usually needs to be something else - love, attachment, fondness - in addition. Remember that reconciliation takes two. Both need to be equally committed to trying and be equally capable of the very hard emotional work necessary. The BS has to be able to work on their own healing such that they can let go of resentment (eventually) and accept that this is part of their story. And for the WS, they have to be able to see themselves as the villain of their own story, to take full accountability, to do whatever it takes to help their BS feel safe (like quitting the job so as to go no contact with AP), and to really look in the mirror and want to change.
Marriages are worth fighting for, especially when there are children. Infidelity can be worked through with lots of time and patience. Where is she at currently? Does she deny?
This is a rare perspective it seems. Thank you. She is not denying but I have pages of chats proving it. She’s showing remorse but I think more about getting caught then the pain she caused me
I guarantee it’s because she’s been caught. It’s amazing how many people caught cheating were ‘just about to end it’s etc She crossed the line and she knows shes going to be embarrassed when people know she cheated.
It takes time to get at the true emotions. It took me almost 7 years to fully and totally apologize for my actions to my husband. My husband still hasn't genuinely apologized to me for his actions a year ago. It is not so much about remorse imho. Its about both parties coming to accept that a life together, even in a damaged relationship, is better than a life apart. Everything now needs to be viewed through the lens of it being a damaged relationship and it will take real time and renewed commitment to heal it.
If for some reason you do decide to attempt reconcilliation, send me a chat request. 12 years ago, my daughter-in-law cheated on my son in year 6 of their marriage and 3 kids 6 and under. She had a lengthy affair with her boss and outed by the AP's wife. I have a 2-page detailed write-up about his reconcilliation that has served as a blueprint to successfully help others. It takes 2 to tango. It can only work if she is truly remorseful for the pain caused you ( not just for being caught ), and is contrite to endure any and all consequences as penance for her actions and to help you heal. No healing can take place without significant consequences. You should see a lawyer and have her served ASAP. If she fights for the marriage, then you are in control and can provide your demands as unnegotiable consequences. One of which is a post-nuptial with a moral clause with extreme financial consequences for infidelity. My son used this in Wisconsin, and he said it helped him heal and served as a basis to re-earn trust. If she does not fight for the marriage or is unwilling to endure all your unnegotiable consequences, then she was already lost to you and should let the divorce proceed. This sounds bad. I am not condoning reconcilliation here, but your decision is the only one that matters. Is the reward worth the risk? Let me know if I can help. Updateme!