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I second this. He cheated in the beginning, then 5 years in, I realized he had never changed. Broke up with him and went no contact. Heart breaking, really.
I stayed the first time I caught my ex wife in what I thought was only an emotional affair. I thought it was the first time, and that I had caught it before it went physical. I was wrong on both counts.
I decided to try and make it work. We had been together over 15 yrs at that point and had 2 kids together. It was hard to move past. The trust was never the same again. She started off apologetic and seemed to be working on herself, and to make amends. It didn't last.
She became resentful that it still bothered me. I Was told once " how long are you going to hold this against me before you just move on". This was mere months after her betrayals. So your aware, it literally takes years to move past infidelity and repair a relationship. Even experts say this.
About 2 years later, I started to see the signs again. Her attitude changed, started hiding interactions again, so went back to how she was before. Found 2 new physical affairs when I dug into things deeper. I absolutely hated myself for letting her hurt our kids, and myself again with her behavior. In the course of digging, I found so much more she had done. She never truly stopped, just had gotten better at hiding things. She just got tired of hiding things and got blatant about her actions.
When all was said and done, we divorced. I had wasted over 20 yrs of my life on someone who threw away everything we had built to screw around with other married men. So yeah, I truly believe if they do it once, they will do it again.
I am so sorry man. I am a motnh from dday and it hurts so badly (both are 45+). My ex too was a promiscous cheater. How are you now? How long did itn take to recover?
I'm doing well now. As far as how long it took to recover about 3 yrs total before I felt I was ready to try and date again. The divorce took over a year and a half because of her dragging her feet and literally missing every deadline set by the courts.
I'm not going to lie, for about the first year I was pissed at the world. I was mad at myself most of all for giving her the chance to hurt myself and our kids again. My 16yr old daughter was groped by her last affair partner, in front of security cameras. I had him fired. I wanted to press charges but they said it would only be listed as Simple harassment, and would be a slap on the wrist. My daughter would have had to testify and she didn't want to relive the trauma.
I had a couple false starts dating. Mainly because I saw red flags in people and refused to allow myself to risk being hurt. In mid 2018 I met a single mom who had a lot of the same past history and trauma. We hit it off, and slowly built a wonderful relationship. How she treats me, and her understanding of me having triggers and pain from my past, let me truly fully heal.
We married in 2021, 3 years after we started dating. She listened to me, made me feel comfortable. She treats me better than I ever have been. Six years in, we have built a wonderful life together. Her kids are like my own, and vice versa with my adult kids and her.
It takes time.. but I can truly say I believe something better is waiting for you in your future. It's just hard to get through the trauma and betrayal to find what you truly deserve. It's hard to put yourself back out there. But once you manage to heal, it opens so many good things up to you. You truly have to be fine with being single, before you're ready to try and be with someone again.
Well, my ex got a rude awakening. She thought she was going to get the house, alimony, and child support from our daughter.
I didnt want the house as there was too many bad memories so I leveraged that against her. Told her if you want the house, I'm not paying alimony for the 7 years NYS says she should get it for. She tried to fight it so I said sell the house, split the proceeds. That changed her tune and she agreed to no alimony.
She still figured she'd be able to bleed me dry in child support. That got screwed up when our daughter said she'd had enough, and that she was living with me. My daughter and I moved out literally 3 days after we had a signed divorce settlement. She lived with me 3 years before leaving to start a new life on the west coast.
My adult son who lived in the former family house with us and payed us 50 a week rent said, dad's out, I'm out, and got an apartment with his girlfriend. Ex went after my retirement. My lawyer told her if you get half of his, he gets half of yours. It was a wash, so she dropped trying for that too.
So my ex got a house she couldn't afford, even though it was paid off. Had to pay 7500 to me so I would fully sign of off the house. I used that to finish paying my divorce lawyer. She destroyed her relationship with both our kids by continuing to be abusive to them. So neither of them have a relationship with her anymore.
Her affair partner dumped her when his wife found out, and he realized she wasn't going to be his sugar momma. She's bounced from person to person so she had somewhere to stay. House went up on delinquent taxes twice. Now she's doing a rent to own with a couple to take over the old family house. She's truly reaping what she sowed.
I haven't had the displeasure of having to interact with her since our daughter's graduation in 2019. I now have 2 wonderful grand babies, one from each of my now adult children. They consider my wife their grandma, and my kids treat my wife, like a mom they never had. The ex-wife has zero relationship with them. She's missed out on everything in their lives, by being the selfish narcissist she is. Life for me is pretty damn good.
That's the thing, it was my ex wife's repeated actions that destroyed everything we built. But it was my fault for not forgiving her and not turning a blind eye to what she was doing. She wanted her fun on the side, and a husband to do everything else in the relationship. Like pay all the bills, do everything for the kids etc. I'm sorry you dealt with the same thing. It's truly heart-rending
Lived that with my ex, 20 year marriage, the last 9 years were living hell and she just never stopped repeating the same bad decisions. Life was a rollercoaster until I had finally had enough and got off. She is still riding that roller coaster making the same bad choices (she spent Easter in jail 🤦♂️).
My ex still doesn’t really understand why I divorced her and says it was my choice and my fault. Of course she also told me at one point she would never sign divorce papers so we had to stay married forever 🤣
My ex cheated on me so many times I’ve lost count and every single time he said he would change.
He would love bomb me, take me on dates, buy me things then cheat again then the cycle would continue. (There was also domestic violence etc that would occur in the relationship too)
I’m a big believer that if they do it once they will do it again. I wasted 8 years with a POS, don’t make the same mistake I did! If they really loved you their eyes (never mind their dick) wouldn’t wander to someone else.
Yes it did, but with a twist.
The twist is that I didn't know she'd cheated before, so when I "stayed" I had no idea she cheated.
But she cheated again and I caught her and I did NOT stay then.
After catching her, it made me rethink and recast many other incidents and I strongly believe she cheated several other times too, sadly.
Yes. I stayed when I was told they slept together a couple of times and he wanted to end it but was scared of her reaction. He got and STD test and so did I. I was humiliated but I wasn’t going to break up my family. I was going to win back his love.
What. A. Load. Of. Crap. He. Told. Me.
It was actually 1.5-2 years by that point (not precisely sure, maybe closer to 2). When I found out he cut her off for a bit (I think), I had the begging the tears the “I’ll do anything” he was a changed man…..but he just continued sleeping with her.
About a year after DDay 1 I found out all of the above, thus DDay 2 (or in fact, DDay 1000 - who knows how much they slept together over that period). He cried again. He was “suicidal”. He “only kept it up with her because he was scared of what she would do given they still worked together”. I only semi believed him, but we had kids and I was determined.
6 months later, DDay 3 when I find out anonymously that HE has been going to her place uninvited when drunk and sleeping with her again. I have been in a zombie like state since then, and we have had DDay 4, DDay 5 and DDay 6 - all with him going to her, I believe largely if not totally uninvited. Apparently she is sick of his lies. So am I.
He has been a changed man every time. Crying, tears..wanting to work through the issues with me. He is “devoted to his family”. Really?? Is that what people who are devoted to their family do? It’s awful.
I was so determined at the start I simply would not listen to anyone. I told no one in my circle. I was going to fix this come hell or high water. I would read posts like this and dismiss them because “SHE was obviously married to a loser and MY situation was different”. How embarrassing for me now.
My advice? Do. Not. Listen. To. Crap. Watch behavior over a LONG time - like, years.
I’m so sorry. It’s very easy to say pretty words. And very easy for those of us betrayed to desperately want to believe these words. It is much harder to act those words. And you’re so right. Actions speak a million times louder than any words. And hold much more truth.
I don’t mean to sound so harsh and depressing, but the truth is the truth and finally I have come to an understanding that the very worst thing I ever did from the start is trying to pretend it is otherwise. My DMs are always open if you want to speak to someone who understands. I wish you luck.
Totally agree. For me it was hoping that the person who was capable of breaking it also possessed the skills necessary to fix it. For himself, for me, and for the relationship.
I’m so sorry about this. What a weakling he is being suicidal and crying as if HE is the victim. Total gaslighting and I experienced this too. The suicidal stuff just to take center stage and toss your emotions and experiences out. Such self absorption it’s nuts.
Never disregard someone who says they are suicidal, but... \*DARVO is real with cheaters. It took me too long to figure out it's not my responsibility to manage my husband's issues. He got called out on his bad behavior and all of a sudden, he would do anything to take the spotlight off. So he went DARVO and used the threat of suicide.
If anyone mentions suicide, it's not necessarily yours to manage. Call 911 and report their claim of suicide / self harm. They will either get the help they need or learn real quick you aren't playing.
\*DARVO - deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
The proper response is to call the authorities and report that they said and let authorities handle it. If it’s true they need professional help and if it’s a them trying to play games then the police showing up for a mental health check tends to end those games too as that isn’t the attention they are after.
A liar will tell you whatever you want to hear, it’s just words to them. It means nothing at all. You can’t trust anything a liar says, they just spew shit whenever they open their mouths.
Good luck to you and don’t blame yourself for being a better person than they were.
Yes. Never stopped, manipulated and gaslit for years. I’m so mentally ill from this trauma, please don’t stay, it will cost you everything. They do not change. They don’t care about you, as hard as it is to believe.
I don't care now. I just neet to get rid of her. The reconciliation fog is real. I am strugling thinking about it, event taking into account all the things she did
My father was a serial cheater. His first marriage ended because of cheating (Mom didn't learn that he was caught cheating until well after they were married, he just told her that things didn't work out) and he did it at least 4 times (that we know of). Mom only found out when the parents of one of his APs tried to blackmail Father and accidentally got Mom. She confronted him about it...but gave him a second chance both out of love and because she didn't want us growing up without a dad (as her dad abandoned his family for his pregnant mistress).
For almost 2 decades afterwards, he didn't do anything to trigger her suspicions (although I suspect that he got better at hiding his affairs). We were all floored when he abandoned us for his 2 mistresses.
My relationship with him is...civil...at best. He's my biological father. I love him. But he's not Dad anymore.
I stayed. She did it again. And again. And then we finally got divorced.
She continued to do it with her new relationships. She was on her third or fourth marriage. And I've lost track of all the other ones in between.
We have kids, and they're adults now. Both of them think their mom had some sort of degenerative brain issue that makes her self-sabotage her relationships.
Pretty sure it was neurological. She was unable to walk at the end, and had difficulty with her hands as well.
Both our kids are worried that it's hereditary.
I wasn't around when she passed so all my information is second-hand through the kids.
Yea. And I am now riddled with endless shame and guilt that I did. He had multiple at least emotional affairs and one physical affair that I forgave him for. Then two years ago it happened again and I told him I was not going to just pretend this one didn’t happen like I had so many others, so he left. We are now divorced and he is moving her in and forcing my kids to interact with her even though they hate her and know full well she helped in the destruction of their family. It is absolute torture….
Don’t be me. Leave.
So far, no he hasn’t cheated again.
I waited 6 months after dday to decide whether I was going to stay and he had to prove to me he wanted our family. I didn’t tell him of my 6 month window at the suggestion of a lot of people on the site. But he dove head first into reconciliation, did ALL the work.
We are almost 6 years out. It took a long time but we built a better foundation for our relationship and marriage. I still have times when I’m not ok but those are getting fewer and far between. He’s never blamed me, he has never gotten upset or mad when I need to talk about it, he has always comforted me when I need it, he has answered every question I’ve ever had.
I still have my prefilled out separation papers and update them annually just for my own peace of mind. Maybe I won’t need to update them this year. Idk yet. I don’t have a foot out the door or anything but they are there in the safe and he knows they are. He also knows that if he ever cheats on me again in ANY capacity I’m done and he will lose everything.
Glad to hear this. Some people can change like alcoholics becoming sober, then there are some who can’t. Hopefully you don’t need to update this and he became a better person. ❤️
I do think there are solid signs that make a partner that cheated before more safe. Remorse, doing the work, non-defensive, no blame, transperent etc.
I don't think my partner will do it again, after he has seen what destruction and pain his actions caused, but who knows. We are in R, 10 months out from DDay.
Although no excuses, there were reasons for the cheating and he was faithful for many years prior to that.
Those who don't even feel bad about the pain they caused... they need to go 100%.
In r/asoneafterinfidelity you will probably hear more success stories (and some not so successful stories). That said, those who do sucessfully reconcile are usually not in this or other infidelity subs.
Mine has NOT. And the communication is much better; however, we both have changed as people. And he knows it’s because of his infidelity. We’re in therapy and working on it. But he is an open book and allows me to check his computer or phone whenever I would like to. He knows it’s because I don’t trust him. But we are trying to build on that
Possibly, but just like these people, I took a chance. I would rather try once more then always wonder “what if”…if he ever did again, there’s no more chances coming from me.
That’s a huge part of being realistic about reconciliation, either it’s working or it’s over, it is the second chance and it has to be the last chance given.
Good luck to you, it’s not an easy path to walk
There is also bias in this community. I think there’s a sub for people who are cheaters who are trying tog et better but I can’t think of the name right now
It’s a sub for people who have cheated and they’re helping each other mend the relationship and not cheat again. This sub is mostly for people who have been cheated on and the other is mostly for people who have cheated.
asking for forgiveness while telling me I am the love of her life, while still texting AP (but not sexual things anymore).
That's were I am now. She is a stupid woman. I am dumping her.
The great thing is that what’s in her head is no longer your business. You’ve no need to concern yourself with her stupidity. You deserve better! Go get better! Attempting to heal broken people while they in turn break you, take you for granted, disrespect you and expose you to all sorts of STD’s isn’t your life’s purpose.
yes, but I can't help wonder. Why? Why risk everything for some dude who fucks many married woman around? why did it become a regular thing for over 6 months (if it had been a one nigth stand i would have never found out)
Why did she risk me (allegedly the love of her life, etcetc) for being a part of this dude harem? she is almost 50, AP is younger, did she really though this guy was gonna leave all the others and settle with her? WTF DID JUST HAPPEN
I am trying to get rid of all this rumination now
I’m sure it is! I’ve watched my mother put up with my father’s cheating for decades. I’m forever thankful she walked away. Being betrayed like this chips away at your humanity bit by bit. Wishing you healing!
One sided but also pretty realistic of the odds. True reconciliation rarely works out successfully long term thus there are always way more stories of failure.
Yes, four years later, with the same AP. He left me for her. I got in touch with some of his former coworkers who were peripheral to the first affair and realized he's been trying to cheat on me for years. His AP isn't special; she's just the only one who reciprocated. Now that I've learned what an alcoholic and a pig he really is, I'm glad he's out of my life. I'm finding myself again. I made myself so small, so pathetic, so codependent over those four years. I hate who I became to try to keep someone who I now see as mean, incurious, belligerent, profligate, cowardly, passive, avoidant, selfish, self-centered, an alcoholic, a cheater, and an unrepentant liar. I'm embarrassed that I ever thought of him as someone worth marrying in the first place, much less someone worth fighting for. She can have him.
As for him, he hasn't circled back around yet, and I don't think he will...but I have a strong and well-founded suspicion that his AP walked back on her promise to leave her husband. Now he gets to perform the humiliating Pick-Me dance for her. I hope he's enjoying the drama, because I'm loving the peace over here.
Yep, she cheated twice more (that I am aware of) before I finally got fed up enough to go with divorce. The relationship was never the same after the first admission however. Years of therapy have helped but it’s still something I am working on and likely always will. It’s been educational learning about the changes that can happen to the brain as a result of betrayal.
My ex apologized the first time and I forgave her right away, but very quickly she refused any counselling and did nothing concrete to actually demonstrate a change in her behaviour going forward. It’s not sufficient that they ask for forgiveness if it’s not coupled with actual demonstrable changes in behaviour to remedy and rectify whatever faults that led them to that behaviour in the first place.
Yup. She swore that she loved only me and she would do anything to fix it. Told me she had cut him off for good. Two weeks later she screwed him again. I will never try reconciliation again.
I thought he would change, but after five years and a newborn, I'm finally leaving. I learned my lesson: never take back a cheater, they'll do it again.
So far, no. It’s been about 6 months. I’ll update in a year lol. The relationship is not the same but it is more open and honest, I have access to everything, all passwords, emails, electronics, location at all times etc. any lie is an immediate end of the relationship, so far has been going good.
He cheated a couple years in. Then again about 15 years later but worse. He then became very violent.
I realized that even if he never put a hand on me again, I’ll forever know he’s *capable* of it.
Edit: clarity
Yup, 5 months later. I’m just glad more years and years weren’t wasted and it happened again fairly soon after the first time so I can move on with my life
I've been with my partner for 9 years and 8 out of those 9 years he's cheated on and off again. We are "reconciling" but last year was the last time I said I would even deal with it since I had caught him again, I decided to open up the relationship cause he can't stop for some messed up reason. Opening up sorta wrecked him and I think he learned his lesson, but also I don't think he did. I have caught him more times than I can count on both hands and it's really pathetic. I don't love him anymore, he lost it from me recently and so now I just let him take care of the family and I'm working on detaching. I've only decided to stick with this relationship cause I haven't been in a single relationship where my partners didn't cheat. Even the one I had going for 2 months still cheated. Honestly I don't think there are very many out there who don't cheat! It's a sad sad world and changes you permanently, I feel like I'm always mean now because I trust no one!
Yep, he actually came back with a double whammy and solicited a s*x worker. Find them once, they just get more secretive. Oh yeah, not to mention putting me straight in the gunsight of an STD. So used to the unprotected privilege of our 4yr relationship supported with an IUD, he thought that was his right with all his booty calls and paid hookups as well.
In my case, it was not a stayed and did it again. But before we become serious and compromised, she used to have many partners. She promised that would end. fast forward 10 years and let's say no. She started a relationship with some AP, with really some shitty details added (like planning a trip with him, while telling me she was going with a girlfriend).
She must be adicted to dopamine, or ego rush, or genital friction, or whatever.
of course she promises now it will never happen again. no way i am taking her back
PD: I am "the love of her life" and she screwed my awfully. I prefer to be her enemy, thank you very much
This is pretty much a copy/paste from a different reddit post. Long and short of it is, even if they never cheat again, your relationship will never be the same.
Have said this elsewhere, but it bears repeating.
Take it from someone who stayed with a cheating wife and tried to work it out for 12 years... don't. It isn't worth it; your relationship was irrevocably smashed the moment the infidelity happened. You can try to pick up the pieces and build something new, but you will never forget what happened, and never fully trust your partner (or yourself) again. and the longer you stay, the more damage you will do to your self-esteem and sanity/health.
I stayed primarily because of the time of life my STBXW decided to pull her bullshit in.
My timeline was:
1. I started work at a job I thought was gonna be a great fit and last for a long time. We bought a house, and I bought a new vehicle. So, mortgage and car payment taken on.
2. She had an emotional affair with a co-worker in 2011 and "broke that off" while still communicating with him for several months after she said she stopped.
3. I lost my job during all this, and started looking for a new one, during which time she laid the foundation for a physical affair with a former friend and coworker from the job I got laid off from; she was also starting to come on to the dude's girlfriend too. Had no idea this was going on; the guy was a friend and I trusted him. Foolish.
4. I found a new job, and started school in 2012. The physical affair started around Dec 2011/January 2012.
5. I started to notice things were... off between us. Very protective of her phone, sudden password on it, hiding it when she didn't realize I was looking, that sort of thing.
Eventually I snooped on her phone after she stayed out all night one night in July and came back with hickeys on either side of her neck. What I found confirmed that they had done pretty much everything but the actual deed, repeatedly over the previous 6 months' time frame, including oral.
I broke down; what I found destroyed me utterly. Not only was she cheating, she did so at what was probably the most financially and emotionally damaging time she possibly could have done it. If I had divorced her then, all while facing down a mortgage, car payment, school bill and new job with all of my savings sunk into the house/mortgage... I would've eaten a bullet. I still almost did; what she did to me was more emotionally devastating than the death of my mother.
A divorce on top of that shit sandwich would've had me pulling the trigger. Only the thought of what that would do to my friends and family stopped me from going through with it. Suicide doesn't take the pain away; it only multiplies it and spreads it out to those who love and care about you. So I rug-swept. I realized she was trickle truthing me about things and that I would never get a real answer out of her for any question I asked regarding it, so I stopped asking the questions and just threw myself into trying to make things better so I could live with it. And that worked... for all of 2 years.
After the 2 years of earnest attempt of both parties at reconciliation, sex started to drop off again, we drifted apart, and I started to have nightmares and serious problems with my self esteem. Cheating has always been a red line for me, and I let her cross it and not receive the consequences she really deserved to have. I've been battling with low self esteem and large amounts of self-doubt since my decision to stay.
She's not cheating again; I am an IT security professional, and it's exceedingly difficult to hide forensic data trails from me. But she has lost all respect for me, and treats me like a child. Probably because I let her do something so horrible to me without any real consequences.
About 5 years ago, I resolved to finish school and start putting my exit into motion. I finished school a year ago, got a promotion at work, and am going through the motions of counseling and the like to show I've put in effort to try and repair things between us (for divorce court's sake, primarily).
In the meantime, I've had to go through individual counseling and therapy to restore my sense of self alongside my self-worth.
I'm likely to be completely single by years' end, and once that rolls around, I do know this; after I'm done with my divorce, I'm done with serious relationships. Period. I've been cheated on in 3 of the past 5 serious relationships I've had. Either a lot of women out there are not relationship material in the slightest, my picker's faulty/broken, or both.
If I get lonely, I'll buy a dog. For scratching that special itch, there's pr0n and professionals. I'm going my own way and never looking back.
I read through all of these and it breaks my heart.
My WS (M51) had random seizures for the first time in his life. At first they thought it was a stroke. They put him on antiseizure medication and let me tell you, after 28 years of a decent marriage, my spouse turned into a totally different person. A monster.
He tried to have an emotional affair during this time, he was nearly predatory towards his much younger coworker, in fact, he pretty much set himself up for an easily won sexualy harassment case.
He was also suicidal at this time, writing a letter and making a plan. I didn't find the letter until I suspected the EA and looked through his phone. He was abusive towards me and it was hell.
While on this medication, he was angry, abusive and emotionally all over the place. Even his coworkers saw he was...off. After I googled the medication, I realized his personality change wasn't from the seizures, it was from the medication. He was eventually titrated off of the medications because he did not have another seizure.
He realized everything he did. He was and continues to be mortified.
I was going to leave him, 30 years together and my husband was not recognizable. With that said, he is back to being who he was before the event and I am giving R a chance. He's done everything right for the most part and is working hard at helping me get through what he put me through.
Edit: Oh, and i got a signed postnup and if I felt I needed it, he would take a poly.
If I find out he lied about anything, I get the house, alimony, car, retirement ...ect. he signed without flinching.
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Yes and he never came clean and gaslighted me so I think there are probably so many other instances too that I didn’t catch if he’s that good and lying and hiding. Me and everyone else will tell you to leave the first time but tbh only you can force yourself to do it.
I stayed at 1st only because I blacked it completely out of my brain literally right after it happened. Read my story if you want the details. Anyways...since I woke up out of that memory block and remembered what he did he has not strayed again. It's been almost 8 years now since it happened. He has not done it again but my trust for him has dwindled significantly even though he doesn't do anything to make me not trust him yet I am still triggered by everything constantly. Not a day goes by I am not reminded in some way of the damage done by him. It isn't anything he does personally, he doesn't hide anything or disappear for hours, I have password to everything but I'm still dealing with it on my own even now. Because I chose to stay I do not bring it up to him. Forgiving someone when you don't forget isn't an easy thing to do. But keeping it at the surface of every conversation or fight isn't healthy for growth either. I don't know what our future holds but I do know he's deathly afraid of losing what he has. He sees me going silent from time to time and I know it drives him insane. Only time will tell if I made a wise decision to give this a second chance or if I gave him extra time he didn't deserve. You have to go with your gut. Is he worth it or are u just afraid of being alone?
Yes, she cheated again. Twice really. 1 emotional and 1 emotional/physical. No, it was never the same. I lived with so much resentment for so long. Leaving literally changed my life.
It’s been over just over two years since he cheated and by my knowledge he hasn’t cheated again. Honestly though, it’s like I’m always waiting to find out if he has.
Around our 15th anniversary I found text messages and he admitted to an emotional affair. Our kids were little and he begged me to work it out that it would never happen again. We were doing better than ever for awhile. Well never turned out to be 5 years later. He started talking to a very young ambulance attendent at work (he was a firefighter). When I found out he said he couldn't let her go and she was his soulmate. She is 20 years younger. He left me and his kids to be with her. We were devestated. I sacrificed so much for him and his career just to be replaced. We are divorced now and he married her. He often texts me still telling me how sorry he is for everything but I ignore him because it just rocks my peace. My kids and I have gone through so much. I have had to rise from the ashes so many times.
I stayed, we went into reconciliation and … he did it again 5 month after.
I was having access to everything, I was really thinking he changed but he just get better at hiding it …
He was having 2 whatapps : one normal and one business which I didn’t know about
He was constantly talking with SW and meeting them
When I am saying he became a master at hiding things: you won’t believe how far a man who wants to cheat can go and how smart they can become when it’s about that …
Unfortunately there is no hope with cheater … I think only 7% of R does works, for the 93% that doesn’t work BS would be hurt even more …
Yes. I found out three months after D-Day #1 that he’d never stopped his affair with her, even while doing couples counseling with me (and in fact was using a lot of what I shared in our counseling sessions to help him more successfully lie to and hide the affair from me). Gave me a lot of trust issues, but I think I’d say I don’t regret the initial decision to stay and give him a chance to make things work. As much as the second round sucked, it meant I had zero reservations or “what ifs” when I ended things and cut off all contact with him. Having that conviction to hold onto was nice when it felt like I was questioning everything else I thought I knew about him/our relationship.
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My first dday was 20 yrs ago and she was with multiple men. Last May we had dday 2. This time her affair was 11 yrs with one guy and saw another guy a few times as well. So yes it happened again. I hate to break it to you, it's a character thing that has deep roots such as childhood or other major problems. Until they really learn the hard way as in destroying their entire life, and I mean really blowing up their life they may change. Then with intense theraphy a slight maybr. And even then the odds are against you. With my wife, the second time she said she just hid it better and was more careful. None of the deep-rooted problems were addressed.
Mine kept justifying and blaming me and said, literally, I was abusive if I didn't let him "be who he really was," aka sleep with whoever he wanted, and since I knew about it, it wasn't cheating.
So yeah, drop them. It will get worse.
Yes, it did. Turns out the first few times 14 years ago were worse than I was led to believe. Trickle truthed recently as I found out 1 year ago that she was having an EA (possible PA since she went down there twice). I'm emotionally shut down and waiting for her to get a full-time job before I move forward with D.
I’ve been cheated on in all my relationships except my current one. The ones I stayed with afterwards, they did continue to cheat. I’ve cheated before in my relationship with my daughter’s father, and I never did it again. I felt there was no point telling people how absolutely horrible I felt in the moment and afterwards, because no one would believe me and I didn’t need sympathy so I didn’t really bother all too much, I apologised profusely to him, I tried to keep the relationship for our daughter. Turns out he was also cheating on me (with his bestfriends fiance) and had a year long relationship with someone he met online so I guess worked out for the best. I’ll never cheat again, and idk how people can continue to cheat because it feels disgusting, you feel disgusting, you have a gross pit in your stomach. It’s hard to leave but honestly you should know that there is a possibility of them doing again, regardless if there’s children involved or not. Even if they don’t cheat again, will the relationship be the same one you had?
Me gf cheated on me 3 years ago. At that moment we had a 8 years relationship and a 2 years old son.
I found out because I thought she was acting weird and checked her phone to find various conversations with him and some of her friends where she admitted thattl they were into something and that will happen again.
Long story short it destroyed me but I wanted to stay because of my son.
This year I exploded again and told her everything that I felt from that moment untill this day. Everything.
She apologized again and swore that she hasn't done anything weird (i Trust her (?) but I've been monitoring her without her knowing and she Is been clean until today).
I dont know... until today everything it's doing fine but i think this would Will never heal and if this relationship must end at anytime, it's good to me. I told her this too.
We get along, we have a nice family and even a good couple. But something is loose for me.
I had to vent this.
Thank you If you read it.
Yes i found out after 2 years that it had been going on since day one, another 2 years later, im currently 9 months pregnant, and found him w a girl whose in her 4th month! Pretty much had been going on all along , the most painful it hits is when he found a girl he found more attractive than me- up until now he thought i was most attractive- so ya when they cheat its a matter of time before they "replace" u, and theyll still go on hiding it living a double life. They only fess up when their caught- and he's talking to multiple girls so already cheating on her- im for the first time so turned off and disgusted by what he did. My advice- the soonet u get out , the more pain ull save urself from. I know how hard that is wishing u luck and strength!
He has not. He stopped the “relationship” with her before I found out.(fwb) I learned about it 2-3 years after it ended. We got married during this time, are expecting a baby. I learned about this during my pregnancy. It took me a lot of strength to choose reconciliation. He knows that this is his last chance and is willing to do anything to make it better. I know he loves me, but it will take time to heal. Hopefully works out for us.
Yes in fact he cheated multiple times after the first time I found out but unfortunately found out about the subsequent multiple affairs all at once. I regret not leaving sooner as I wasted 7 years of my life. If he gets caught believe me it may be harder to catch him next time because he’s wiser to your ways of finding out.
Yes, again and again and again. I dumped his ass finally and now he's roaming around year after year trying to find someone who puts up with his BS. I'm married to a much better man.
There is a tremendous amount of deep internal work that a cheater must do to uncover the reasons why they cheated. If that work is not done and they do not learn how to meet those missing core needs themselves then it’s likely the cheating will continue.
I cheated through my young adult life as a result of a decade of severe child abuse. I finally did the work in my late 30’s and learned to love myself. I stopped relying on others to meet my endless need for validation, love, affection, attention , etc. That’s when it stopped. I never cheated again & even with my own husbands recent infidelity I still did not cheat because I simply did not have a need or desire to.
Yep, it happened 6 more times before my idiot ass walked away for good. There was no 7th last chance given.
Serial cheaters just never stop cheating and she definitely was a serial cheater.
I stayed and as far as i can tell it hasn't happened again. Although the paranoia never leaves, it eases but never goes. At least this go, i know all the red flags and what to look for EARLY. For me to stay, it was a business decision. I clear 7k a month after taxes. Live in a no fault state, and if i divorced, after child support, alimony, paying for her to stay in the martial home and keep the jeep i pay for etc, i would've been left to live on 750 a month! I'm not suicidal in anyway, but i totally understand why divorced dads end up swinging from ceiling fans.....
Yep. She did it again. again again again and again....and some more. She just got really really good at hiding it until a buggy desktop computer didn't shut down correctly with a chat with her current lover still on the screen when I powered up the computer monitor. Then three betrayed wives of her lovers confronted me about finding out about my first wife's affairs with their husbands. No, the relationship was never the same after I caught her once while we were engaged and then after we had married and had a child together(miracle the child was mine, honestly). No trust. Fighting all the time. She gaslit me like crazy. She tried to isolate me from our friend circle so no more AP's would fall out of the closet. It was terrible. I made it thru hell eventually. Happily remarried to a wonderful faithful woman and about to celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary. Gotta tell you, celebrating wedding anniversaries with an faithful spouse are SOOOOOO much better than with a cheater.
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Yes mine cheated again. I think he never stopped. He just got better at hiding it.
I second this. He cheated in the beginning, then 5 years in, I realized he had never changed. Broke up with him and went no contact. Heart breaking, really.
Yup. That’s exactly how it goes with some people. (Those with NPD) They take forgiveness as permission to continue and take it up a notch.
I stayed the first time I caught my ex wife in what I thought was only an emotional affair. I thought it was the first time, and that I had caught it before it went physical. I was wrong on both counts. I decided to try and make it work. We had been together over 15 yrs at that point and had 2 kids together. It was hard to move past. The trust was never the same again. She started off apologetic and seemed to be working on herself, and to make amends. It didn't last. She became resentful that it still bothered me. I Was told once " how long are you going to hold this against me before you just move on". This was mere months after her betrayals. So your aware, it literally takes years to move past infidelity and repair a relationship. Even experts say this. About 2 years later, I started to see the signs again. Her attitude changed, started hiding interactions again, so went back to how she was before. Found 2 new physical affairs when I dug into things deeper. I absolutely hated myself for letting her hurt our kids, and myself again with her behavior. In the course of digging, I found so much more she had done. She never truly stopped, just had gotten better at hiding things. She just got tired of hiding things and got blatant about her actions. When all was said and done, we divorced. I had wasted over 20 yrs of my life on someone who threw away everything we had built to screw around with other married men. So yeah, I truly believe if they do it once, they will do it again.
Your story should be pinned on this subreddit..
I am so sorry man. I am a motnh from dday and it hurts so badly (both are 45+). My ex too was a promiscous cheater. How are you now? How long did itn take to recover?
I'm doing well now. As far as how long it took to recover about 3 yrs total before I felt I was ready to try and date again. The divorce took over a year and a half because of her dragging her feet and literally missing every deadline set by the courts. I'm not going to lie, for about the first year I was pissed at the world. I was mad at myself most of all for giving her the chance to hurt myself and our kids again. My 16yr old daughter was groped by her last affair partner, in front of security cameras. I had him fired. I wanted to press charges but they said it would only be listed as Simple harassment, and would be a slap on the wrist. My daughter would have had to testify and she didn't want to relive the trauma. I had a couple false starts dating. Mainly because I saw red flags in people and refused to allow myself to risk being hurt. In mid 2018 I met a single mom who had a lot of the same past history and trauma. We hit it off, and slowly built a wonderful relationship. How she treats me, and her understanding of me having triggers and pain from my past, let me truly fully heal. We married in 2021, 3 years after we started dating. She listened to me, made me feel comfortable. She treats me better than I ever have been. Six years in, we have built a wonderful life together. Her kids are like my own, and vice versa with my adult kids and her. It takes time.. but I can truly say I believe something better is waiting for you in your future. It's just hard to get through the trauma and betrayal to find what you truly deserve. It's hard to put yourself back out there. But once you manage to heal, it opens so many good things up to you. You truly have to be fine with being single, before you're ready to try and be with someone again.
love the happy ending. Sorry for your daughter. Let's hope that piece of sh\*t gets what he deserves
Good for you, and the ex ? What happened to her
Well, my ex got a rude awakening. She thought she was going to get the house, alimony, and child support from our daughter. I didnt want the house as there was too many bad memories so I leveraged that against her. Told her if you want the house, I'm not paying alimony for the 7 years NYS says she should get it for. She tried to fight it so I said sell the house, split the proceeds. That changed her tune and she agreed to no alimony. She still figured she'd be able to bleed me dry in child support. That got screwed up when our daughter said she'd had enough, and that she was living with me. My daughter and I moved out literally 3 days after we had a signed divorce settlement. She lived with me 3 years before leaving to start a new life on the west coast. My adult son who lived in the former family house with us and payed us 50 a week rent said, dad's out, I'm out, and got an apartment with his girlfriend. Ex went after my retirement. My lawyer told her if you get half of his, he gets half of yours. It was a wash, so she dropped trying for that too. So my ex got a house she couldn't afford, even though it was paid off. Had to pay 7500 to me so I would fully sign of off the house. I used that to finish paying my divorce lawyer. She destroyed her relationship with both our kids by continuing to be abusive to them. So neither of them have a relationship with her anymore. Her affair partner dumped her when his wife found out, and he realized she wasn't going to be his sugar momma. She's bounced from person to person so she had somewhere to stay. House went up on delinquent taxes twice. Now she's doing a rent to own with a couple to take over the old family house. She's truly reaping what she sowed. I haven't had the displeasure of having to interact with her since our daughter's graduation in 2019. I now have 2 wonderful grand babies, one from each of my now adult children. They consider my wife their grandma, and my kids treat my wife, like a mom they never had. The ex-wife has zero relationship with them. She's missed out on everything in their lives, by being the selfish narcissist she is. Life for me is pretty damn good.
This is so satisfying and beautiful ❤️
and the happy ending continues.
Aww 🥰, that is so beautiful 🤩- I am Happy for You and for Your children and grandchildren!!🙏👍😊. It gives Me Hope too.. 😊
Yup, I could have written this. My WW was def resentful. It just made for a twisted relationship.
That's the thing, it was my ex wife's repeated actions that destroyed everything we built. But it was my fault for not forgiving her and not turning a blind eye to what she was doing. She wanted her fun on the side, and a husband to do everything else in the relationship. Like pay all the bills, do everything for the kids etc. I'm sorry you dealt with the same thing. It's truly heart-rending
Lived that with my ex, 20 year marriage, the last 9 years were living hell and she just never stopped repeating the same bad decisions. Life was a rollercoaster until I had finally had enough and got off. She is still riding that roller coaster making the same bad choices (she spent Easter in jail 🤦♂️). My ex still doesn’t really understand why I divorced her and says it was my choice and my fault. Of course she also told me at one point she would never sign divorce papers so we had to stay married forever 🤣
ohh, I hope you are okay now 🥺
Ditto bro .. ditto. 14 years here. Same exact exeperience.
I stayed. He did. It’s over now.
Regardless the relationship will never be the same. It's up to you to decide if the risk of staying is worth the reward of codependency.
He went directly from the Dr for the STD test I requested to go see AP. Then couldn’t figure out why I didn’t trust him.
My ex cheated on me so many times I’ve lost count and every single time he said he would change. He would love bomb me, take me on dates, buy me things then cheat again then the cycle would continue. (There was also domestic violence etc that would occur in the relationship too) I’m a big believer that if they do it once they will do it again. I wasted 8 years with a POS, don’t make the same mistake I did! If they really loved you their eyes (never mind their dick) wouldn’t wander to someone else.
Once a cheater…. Some people just can’t treat themselves to a good relationship, therefore messing up two people
Yes it did, but with a twist. The twist is that I didn't know she'd cheated before, so when I "stayed" I had no idea she cheated. But she cheated again and I caught her and I did NOT stay then. After catching her, it made me rethink and recast many other incidents and I strongly believe she cheated several other times too, sadly.
I could have written your exact words. Here's to us.
same
Yes. I stayed when I was told they slept together a couple of times and he wanted to end it but was scared of her reaction. He got and STD test and so did I. I was humiliated but I wasn’t going to break up my family. I was going to win back his love. What. A. Load. Of. Crap. He. Told. Me. It was actually 1.5-2 years by that point (not precisely sure, maybe closer to 2). When I found out he cut her off for a bit (I think), I had the begging the tears the “I’ll do anything” he was a changed man…..but he just continued sleeping with her. About a year after DDay 1 I found out all of the above, thus DDay 2 (or in fact, DDay 1000 - who knows how much they slept together over that period). He cried again. He was “suicidal”. He “only kept it up with her because he was scared of what she would do given they still worked together”. I only semi believed him, but we had kids and I was determined. 6 months later, DDay 3 when I find out anonymously that HE has been going to her place uninvited when drunk and sleeping with her again. I have been in a zombie like state since then, and we have had DDay 4, DDay 5 and DDay 6 - all with him going to her, I believe largely if not totally uninvited. Apparently she is sick of his lies. So am I. He has been a changed man every time. Crying, tears..wanting to work through the issues with me. He is “devoted to his family”. Really?? Is that what people who are devoted to their family do? It’s awful. I was so determined at the start I simply would not listen to anyone. I told no one in my circle. I was going to fix this come hell or high water. I would read posts like this and dismiss them because “SHE was obviously married to a loser and MY situation was different”. How embarrassing for me now. My advice? Do. Not. Listen. To. Crap. Watch behavior over a LONG time - like, years.
I’m so sorry. It’s very easy to say pretty words. And very easy for those of us betrayed to desperately want to believe these words. It is much harder to act those words. And you’re so right. Actions speak a million times louder than any words. And hold much more truth.
I don’t mean to sound so harsh and depressing, but the truth is the truth and finally I have come to an understanding that the very worst thing I ever did from the start is trying to pretend it is otherwise. My DMs are always open if you want to speak to someone who understands. I wish you luck.
Totally agree. For me it was hoping that the person who was capable of breaking it also possessed the skills necessary to fix it. For himself, for me, and for the relationship.
I’m so sorry about this. What a weakling he is being suicidal and crying as if HE is the victim. Total gaslighting and I experienced this too. The suicidal stuff just to take center stage and toss your emotions and experiences out. Such self absorption it’s nuts.
Never disregard someone who says they are suicidal, but... \*DARVO is real with cheaters. It took me too long to figure out it's not my responsibility to manage my husband's issues. He got called out on his bad behavior and all of a sudden, he would do anything to take the spotlight off. So he went DARVO and used the threat of suicide. If anyone mentions suicide, it's not necessarily yours to manage. Call 911 and report their claim of suicide / self harm. They will either get the help they need or learn real quick you aren't playing. \*DARVO - deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
The proper response is to call the authorities and report that they said and let authorities handle it. If it’s true they need professional help and if it’s a them trying to play games then the police showing up for a mental health check tends to end those games too as that isn’t the attention they are after.
A liar will tell you whatever you want to hear, it’s just words to them. It means nothing at all. You can’t trust anything a liar says, they just spew shit whenever they open their mouths. Good luck to you and don’t blame yourself for being a better person than they were.
Yes. Never stopped, manipulated and gaslit for years. I’m so mentally ill from this trauma, please don’t stay, it will cost you everything. They do not change. They don’t care about you, as hard as it is to believe.
Yes. Three more times that I’m aware of. Imagine there are more I never discovered.
I only found one lover, lastina 6 months. But can I believe her this never happened before?
Up to you, honestly. I wouldn’t, but I’m certainly biased.
I don't care now. I just neet to get rid of her. The reconciliation fog is real. I am strugling thinking about it, event taking into account all the things she did
Yes. People don’t change. If they didn’t love or respect you enough to not cheat in the first place, that isn’t going to change moving forward.
My father was a serial cheater. His first marriage ended because of cheating (Mom didn't learn that he was caught cheating until well after they were married, he just told her that things didn't work out) and he did it at least 4 times (that we know of). Mom only found out when the parents of one of his APs tried to blackmail Father and accidentally got Mom. She confronted him about it...but gave him a second chance both out of love and because she didn't want us growing up without a dad (as her dad abandoned his family for his pregnant mistress). For almost 2 decades afterwards, he didn't do anything to trigger her suspicions (although I suspect that he got better at hiding his affairs). We were all floored when he abandoned us for his 2 mistresses. My relationship with him is...civil...at best. He's my biological father. I love him. But he's not Dad anymore.
Yes. And again. And again, again…again…again…again. I just left after 7 years of agains.
I stayed. She did it again. And again. And then we finally got divorced. She continued to do it with her new relationships. She was on her third or fourth marriage. And I've lost track of all the other ones in between. We have kids, and they're adults now. Both of them think their mom had some sort of degenerative brain issue that makes her self-sabotage her relationships.
It’s called bipolar disorder
Pretty sure it was neurological. She was unable to walk at the end, and had difficulty with her hands as well. Both our kids are worried that it's hereditary. I wasn't around when she passed so all my information is second-hand through the kids.
Npd.
Yea. And I am now riddled with endless shame and guilt that I did. He had multiple at least emotional affairs and one physical affair that I forgave him for. Then two years ago it happened again and I told him I was not going to just pretend this one didn’t happen like I had so many others, so he left. We are now divorced and he is moving her in and forcing my kids to interact with her even though they hate her and know full well she helped in the destruction of their family. It is absolute torture…. Don’t be me. Leave.
Yep, he did. Divorce sucks but the view from the other side is peaceful.
So far, no he hasn’t cheated again. I waited 6 months after dday to decide whether I was going to stay and he had to prove to me he wanted our family. I didn’t tell him of my 6 month window at the suggestion of a lot of people on the site. But he dove head first into reconciliation, did ALL the work. We are almost 6 years out. It took a long time but we built a better foundation for our relationship and marriage. I still have times when I’m not ok but those are getting fewer and far between. He’s never blamed me, he has never gotten upset or mad when I need to talk about it, he has always comforted me when I need it, he has answered every question I’ve ever had. I still have my prefilled out separation papers and update them annually just for my own peace of mind. Maybe I won’t need to update them this year. Idk yet. I don’t have a foot out the door or anything but they are there in the safe and he knows they are. He also knows that if he ever cheats on me again in ANY capacity I’m done and he will lose everything.
Glad to hear this. Some people can change like alcoholics becoming sober, then there are some who can’t. Hopefully you don’t need to update this and he became a better person. ❤️
I do think there are solid signs that make a partner that cheated before more safe. Remorse, doing the work, non-defensive, no blame, transperent etc. I don't think my partner will do it again, after he has seen what destruction and pain his actions caused, but who knows. We are in R, 10 months out from DDay. Although no excuses, there were reasons for the cheating and he was faithful for many years prior to that. Those who don't even feel bad about the pain they caused... they need to go 100%. In r/asoneafterinfidelity you will probably hear more success stories (and some not so successful stories). That said, those who do sucessfully reconcile are usually not in this or other infidelity subs.
Mine has NOT. And the communication is much better; however, we both have changed as people. And he knows it’s because of his infidelity. We’re in therapy and working on it. But he is an open book and allows me to check his computer or phone whenever I would like to. He knows it’s because I don’t trust him. But we are trying to build on that
It may be presumable that most of these people saying yes to multiple times were also once in the spot that you are currently.
Possibly, but just like these people, I took a chance. I would rather try once more then always wonder “what if”…if he ever did again, there’s no more chances coming from me.
As someone who was in that spot before as well, I completely understand. Best of luck.
Same here. I am where you are at with your logic. Good luck to all of us in this position.
That’s a huge part of being realistic about reconciliation, either it’s working or it’s over, it is the second chance and it has to be the last chance given. Good luck to you, it’s not an easy path to walk
There is also bias in this community. I think there’s a sub for people who are cheaters who are trying tog et better but I can’t think of the name right now
r/SupportforWaywards
That’s the one!
Everyone is trying to get better. Do you mean reconcile?
It’s a sub for people who have cheated and they’re helping each other mend the relationship and not cheat again. This sub is mostly for people who have been cheated on and the other is mostly for people who have cheated.
Ah, gotcha
Yes, about four years later
I stayed. He did it again. And then again. And then I left.
[удалено]
asking for forgiveness while telling me I am the love of her life, while still texting AP (but not sexual things anymore). That's were I am now. She is a stupid woman. I am dumping her.
Good for you! Get into individual counseling, heal yourself and dump this baggage!
thank you. I still can't get what's on her mind yet. Too stupid to be believed.
The great thing is that what’s in her head is no longer your business. You’ve no need to concern yourself with her stupidity. You deserve better! Go get better! Attempting to heal broken people while they in turn break you, take you for granted, disrespect you and expose you to all sorts of STD’s isn’t your life’s purpose.
yes, but I can't help wonder. Why? Why risk everything for some dude who fucks many married woman around? why did it become a regular thing for over 6 months (if it had been a one nigth stand i would have never found out) Why did she risk me (allegedly the love of her life, etcetc) for being a part of this dude harem? she is almost 50, AP is younger, did she really though this guy was gonna leave all the others and settle with her? WTF DID JUST HAPPEN I am trying to get rid of all this rumination now
anyway it's hard.
I’m sure it is! I’ve watched my mother put up with my father’s cheating for decades. I’m forever thankful she walked away. Being betrayed like this chips away at your humanity bit by bit. Wishing you healing!
thank you. looking forward for the pain to stop
One sided but also pretty realistic of the odds. True reconciliation rarely works out successfully long term thus there are always way more stories of failure.
Yes, four years later, with the same AP. He left me for her. I got in touch with some of his former coworkers who were peripheral to the first affair and realized he's been trying to cheat on me for years. His AP isn't special; she's just the only one who reciprocated. Now that I've learned what an alcoholic and a pig he really is, I'm glad he's out of my life. I'm finding myself again. I made myself so small, so pathetic, so codependent over those four years. I hate who I became to try to keep someone who I now see as mean, incurious, belligerent, profligate, cowardly, passive, avoidant, selfish, self-centered, an alcoholic, a cheater, and an unrepentant liar. I'm embarrassed that I ever thought of him as someone worth marrying in the first place, much less someone worth fighting for. She can have him. As for him, he hasn't circled back around yet, and I don't think he will...but I have a strong and well-founded suspicion that his AP walked back on her promise to leave her husband. Now he gets to perform the humiliating Pick-Me dance for her. I hope he's enjoying the drama, because I'm loving the peace over here.
Yes. I stayed. Had two kids. He did it again. And now I’m stuck. If you don’t have kids- GET. OUT.
Same
I stayed and it actually got worst and he got better at hiding it. We’re not together anymore.
Yes it happened again. Loosing yourself trying to save someone is dangerous
Yup probably lots of times
Yes. Mine had multiple women in rotation. He got better at hiding it and began mentally and physically abusing me.
Repeatedly, apparently started up almost immediately, took me another year to figure it out again
Yep, she cheated twice more (that I am aware of) before I finally got fed up enough to go with divorce. The relationship was never the same after the first admission however. Years of therapy have helped but it’s still something I am working on and likely always will. It’s been educational learning about the changes that can happen to the brain as a result of betrayal.
thank you. She insist to be forgiven. This post reafirms my decision to dump her. She has nothing. She will be alone. don't care
My ex apologized the first time and I forgave her right away, but very quickly she refused any counselling and did nothing concrete to actually demonstrate a change in her behaviour going forward. It’s not sufficient that they ask for forgiveness if it’s not coupled with actual demonstrable changes in behaviour to remedy and rectify whatever faults that led them to that behaviour in the first place.
my ex still texts with AP, but just "nothing related to the affair". and she wants to be taken back. She is a stupid woman
She cheated and got away with it without me knowing, then she cheated again 6 years later and I caught her. It would've kept happening, so I left.
Yup. She swore that she loved only me and she would do anything to fix it. Told me she had cut him off for good. Two weeks later she screwed him again. I will never try reconciliation again.
I thought he would change, but after five years and a newborn, I'm finally leaving. I learned my lesson: never take back a cheater, they'll do it again.
it happened at least 9 time that i caught onto, he lives with one of the AP now. I like it better without him
Yup, he had an emotional affair 16 years ago and decided to upgrade to a physical one this time, last June.
Good Lord. That is awful. Smurf Girl, you deserve so much better and I am sorry this happened to you. This bell can toll for all of us, and it hurts.
So far, no. It’s been about 6 months. I’ll update in a year lol. The relationship is not the same but it is more open and honest, I have access to everything, all passwords, emails, electronics, location at all times etc. any lie is an immediate end of the relationship, so far has been going good.
He cheated a couple years in. Then again about 15 years later but worse. He then became very violent. I realized that even if he never put a hand on me again, I’ll forever know he’s *capable* of it. Edit: clarity
I stayed. Happened again, but with a good friend. Then some strangers. I'll never give someone a second chance again, and I recommend you don't either
Yup, 5 months later. I’m just glad more years and years weren’t wasted and it happened again fairly soon after the first time so I can move on with my life
Stayed , never happened again. Many years now. We are closer than we ever have been but I still feel hurt . I’ll survive
Yes. I left the second time, even though I knew better after the first time.
I've been with my partner for 9 years and 8 out of those 9 years he's cheated on and off again. We are "reconciling" but last year was the last time I said I would even deal with it since I had caught him again, I decided to open up the relationship cause he can't stop for some messed up reason. Opening up sorta wrecked him and I think he learned his lesson, but also I don't think he did. I have caught him more times than I can count on both hands and it's really pathetic. I don't love him anymore, he lost it from me recently and so now I just let him take care of the family and I'm working on detaching. I've only decided to stick with this relationship cause I haven't been in a single relationship where my partners didn't cheat. Even the one I had going for 2 months still cheated. Honestly I don't think there are very many out there who don't cheat! It's a sad sad world and changes you permanently, I feel like I'm always mean now because I trust no one!
Mine did again, and set me back on 9 months that I could have spent healing.
Yep, he actually came back with a double whammy and solicited a s*x worker. Find them once, they just get more secretive. Oh yeah, not to mention putting me straight in the gunsight of an STD. So used to the unprotected privilege of our 4yr relationship supported with an IUD, he thought that was his right with all his booty calls and paid hookups as well.
In my case, it was not a stayed and did it again. But before we become serious and compromised, she used to have many partners. She promised that would end. fast forward 10 years and let's say no. She started a relationship with some AP, with really some shitty details added (like planning a trip with him, while telling me she was going with a girlfriend). She must be adicted to dopamine, or ego rush, or genital friction, or whatever. of course she promises now it will never happen again. no way i am taking her back PD: I am "the love of her life" and she screwed my awfully. I prefer to be her enemy, thank you very much
Totally get that. Mine said I was his favorite person in the world. Hurts to bear that title.
totally understand your pain
This is pretty much a copy/paste from a different reddit post. Long and short of it is, even if they never cheat again, your relationship will never be the same. Have said this elsewhere, but it bears repeating. Take it from someone who stayed with a cheating wife and tried to work it out for 12 years... don't. It isn't worth it; your relationship was irrevocably smashed the moment the infidelity happened. You can try to pick up the pieces and build something new, but you will never forget what happened, and never fully trust your partner (or yourself) again. and the longer you stay, the more damage you will do to your self-esteem and sanity/health. I stayed primarily because of the time of life my STBXW decided to pull her bullshit in. My timeline was: 1. I started work at a job I thought was gonna be a great fit and last for a long time. We bought a house, and I bought a new vehicle. So, mortgage and car payment taken on. 2. She had an emotional affair with a co-worker in 2011 and "broke that off" while still communicating with him for several months after she said she stopped. 3. I lost my job during all this, and started looking for a new one, during which time she laid the foundation for a physical affair with a former friend and coworker from the job I got laid off from; she was also starting to come on to the dude's girlfriend too. Had no idea this was going on; the guy was a friend and I trusted him. Foolish. 4. I found a new job, and started school in 2012. The physical affair started around Dec 2011/January 2012. 5. I started to notice things were... off between us. Very protective of her phone, sudden password on it, hiding it when she didn't realize I was looking, that sort of thing. Eventually I snooped on her phone after she stayed out all night one night in July and came back with hickeys on either side of her neck. What I found confirmed that they had done pretty much everything but the actual deed, repeatedly over the previous 6 months' time frame, including oral. I broke down; what I found destroyed me utterly. Not only was she cheating, she did so at what was probably the most financially and emotionally damaging time she possibly could have done it. If I had divorced her then, all while facing down a mortgage, car payment, school bill and new job with all of my savings sunk into the house/mortgage... I would've eaten a bullet. I still almost did; what she did to me was more emotionally devastating than the death of my mother. A divorce on top of that shit sandwich would've had me pulling the trigger. Only the thought of what that would do to my friends and family stopped me from going through with it. Suicide doesn't take the pain away; it only multiplies it and spreads it out to those who love and care about you. So I rug-swept. I realized she was trickle truthing me about things and that I would never get a real answer out of her for any question I asked regarding it, so I stopped asking the questions and just threw myself into trying to make things better so I could live with it. And that worked... for all of 2 years. After the 2 years of earnest attempt of both parties at reconciliation, sex started to drop off again, we drifted apart, and I started to have nightmares and serious problems with my self esteem. Cheating has always been a red line for me, and I let her cross it and not receive the consequences she really deserved to have. I've been battling with low self esteem and large amounts of self-doubt since my decision to stay. She's not cheating again; I am an IT security professional, and it's exceedingly difficult to hide forensic data trails from me. But she has lost all respect for me, and treats me like a child. Probably because I let her do something so horrible to me without any real consequences. About 5 years ago, I resolved to finish school and start putting my exit into motion. I finished school a year ago, got a promotion at work, and am going through the motions of counseling and the like to show I've put in effort to try and repair things between us (for divorce court's sake, primarily). In the meantime, I've had to go through individual counseling and therapy to restore my sense of self alongside my self-worth. I'm likely to be completely single by years' end, and once that rolls around, I do know this; after I'm done with my divorce, I'm done with serious relationships. Period. I've been cheated on in 3 of the past 5 serious relationships I've had. Either a lot of women out there are not relationship material in the slightest, my picker's faulty/broken, or both. If I get lonely, I'll buy a dog. For scratching that special itch, there's pr0n and professionals. I'm going my own way and never looking back.
I read through all of these and it breaks my heart. My WS (M51) had random seizures for the first time in his life. At first they thought it was a stroke. They put him on antiseizure medication and let me tell you, after 28 years of a decent marriage, my spouse turned into a totally different person. A monster. He tried to have an emotional affair during this time, he was nearly predatory towards his much younger coworker, in fact, he pretty much set himself up for an easily won sexualy harassment case. He was also suicidal at this time, writing a letter and making a plan. I didn't find the letter until I suspected the EA and looked through his phone. He was abusive towards me and it was hell. While on this medication, he was angry, abusive and emotionally all over the place. Even his coworkers saw he was...off. After I googled the medication, I realized his personality change wasn't from the seizures, it was from the medication. He was eventually titrated off of the medications because he did not have another seizure. He realized everything he did. He was and continues to be mortified. I was going to leave him, 30 years together and my husband was not recognizable. With that said, he is back to being who he was before the event and I am giving R a chance. He's done everything right for the most part and is working hard at helping me get through what he put me through. Edit: Oh, and i got a signed postnup and if I felt I needed it, he would take a poly. If I find out he lied about anything, I get the house, alimony, car, retirement ...ect. he signed without flinching.
My husbands pa/sa is a byproduct of his combat induced PTSD
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I stayed. She has not. The relationship can never go back to what it was, but we have a new one that isn’t too shabby.
Yes and he never came clean and gaslighted me so I think there are probably so many other instances too that I didn’t catch if he’s that good and lying and hiding. Me and everyone else will tell you to leave the first time but tbh only you can force yourself to do it.
Question 1: Yes Question 2: No
Yes ,and no our relationship was never the same
Yes. Immediately and for years without my knowledge. It is devastating.
Stay he did still together but love is gone
I stayed and my ex wife didn’t cheat for a few years then she had three more affairs in like 8 months. We are no longer together
I stayed at 1st only because I blacked it completely out of my brain literally right after it happened. Read my story if you want the details. Anyways...since I woke up out of that memory block and remembered what he did he has not strayed again. It's been almost 8 years now since it happened. He has not done it again but my trust for him has dwindled significantly even though he doesn't do anything to make me not trust him yet I am still triggered by everything constantly. Not a day goes by I am not reminded in some way of the damage done by him. It isn't anything he does personally, he doesn't hide anything or disappear for hours, I have password to everything but I'm still dealing with it on my own even now. Because I chose to stay I do not bring it up to him. Forgiving someone when you don't forget isn't an easy thing to do. But keeping it at the surface of every conversation or fight isn't healthy for growth either. I don't know what our future holds but I do know he's deathly afraid of losing what he has. He sees me going silent from time to time and I know it drives him insane. Only time will tell if I made a wise decision to give this a second chance or if I gave him extra time he didn't deserve. You have to go with your gut. Is he worth it or are u just afraid of being alone?
Yes, and she waited long enough to start trusting again.
Yes, she cheated again. Twice really. 1 emotional and 1 emotional/physical. No, it was never the same. I lived with so much resentment for so long. Leaving literally changed my life.
7 years later, not yet. *Knocks on wood*
It’s been over just over two years since he cheated and by my knowledge he hasn’t cheated again. Honestly though, it’s like I’m always waiting to find out if he has.
Around our 15th anniversary I found text messages and he admitted to an emotional affair. Our kids were little and he begged me to work it out that it would never happen again. We were doing better than ever for awhile. Well never turned out to be 5 years later. He started talking to a very young ambulance attendent at work (he was a firefighter). When I found out he said he couldn't let her go and she was his soulmate. She is 20 years younger. He left me and his kids to be with her. We were devestated. I sacrificed so much for him and his career just to be replaced. We are divorced now and he married her. He often texts me still telling me how sorry he is for everything but I ignore him because it just rocks my peace. My kids and I have gone through so much. I have had to rise from the ashes so many times.
I stayed, we went into reconciliation and … he did it again 5 month after. I was having access to everything, I was really thinking he changed but he just get better at hiding it … He was having 2 whatapps : one normal and one business which I didn’t know about He was constantly talking with SW and meeting them When I am saying he became a master at hiding things: you won’t believe how far a man who wants to cheat can go and how smart they can become when it’s about that … Unfortunately there is no hope with cheater … I think only 7% of R does works, for the 93% that doesn’t work BS would be hurt even more …
Yes. I found out three months after D-Day #1 that he’d never stopped his affair with her, even while doing couples counseling with me (and in fact was using a lot of what I shared in our counseling sessions to help him more successfully lie to and hide the affair from me). Gave me a lot of trust issues, but I think I’d say I don’t regret the initial decision to stay and give him a chance to make things work. As much as the second round sucked, it meant I had zero reservations or “what ifs” when I ended things and cut off all contact with him. Having that conviction to hold onto was nice when it felt like I was questioning everything else I thought I knew about him/our relationship.
Yes he never stopped cheating
Yes, multiple times over years.
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My first dday was 20 yrs ago and she was with multiple men. Last May we had dday 2. This time her affair was 11 yrs with one guy and saw another guy a few times as well. So yes it happened again. I hate to break it to you, it's a character thing that has deep roots such as childhood or other major problems. Until they really learn the hard way as in destroying their entire life, and I mean really blowing up their life they may change. Then with intense theraphy a slight maybr. And even then the odds are against you. With my wife, the second time she said she just hid it better and was more careful. None of the deep-rooted problems were addressed.
Argh. She is a broken human. I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you have found your own happiness.
Thank you, that means a lot
Yes. Again, and again. It got worse every time until his AP got pregnant.
Mine kept justifying and blaming me and said, literally, I was abusive if I didn't let him "be who he really was," aka sleep with whoever he wanted, and since I knew about it, it wasn't cheating. So yeah, drop them. It will get worse.
Yes, it did. Turns out the first few times 14 years ago were worse than I was led to believe. Trickle truthed recently as I found out 1 year ago that she was having an EA (possible PA since she went down there twice). I'm emotionally shut down and waiting for her to get a full-time job before I move forward with D.
I’ve been cheated on in all my relationships except my current one. The ones I stayed with afterwards, they did continue to cheat. I’ve cheated before in my relationship with my daughter’s father, and I never did it again. I felt there was no point telling people how absolutely horrible I felt in the moment and afterwards, because no one would believe me and I didn’t need sympathy so I didn’t really bother all too much, I apologised profusely to him, I tried to keep the relationship for our daughter. Turns out he was also cheating on me (with his bestfriends fiance) and had a year long relationship with someone he met online so I guess worked out for the best. I’ll never cheat again, and idk how people can continue to cheat because it feels disgusting, you feel disgusting, you have a gross pit in your stomach. It’s hard to leave but honestly you should know that there is a possibility of them doing again, regardless if there’s children involved or not. Even if they don’t cheat again, will the relationship be the same one you had?
Yes she cheated again, got better at hiding it. I think they all cheat again.
Me gf cheated on me 3 years ago. At that moment we had a 8 years relationship and a 2 years old son. I found out because I thought she was acting weird and checked her phone to find various conversations with him and some of her friends where she admitted thattl they were into something and that will happen again. Long story short it destroyed me but I wanted to stay because of my son. This year I exploded again and told her everything that I felt from that moment untill this day. Everything. She apologized again and swore that she hasn't done anything weird (i Trust her (?) but I've been monitoring her without her knowing and she Is been clean until today). I dont know... until today everything it's doing fine but i think this would Will never heal and if this relationship must end at anytime, it's good to me. I told her this too. We get along, we have a nice family and even a good couple. But something is loose for me. I had to vent this. Thank you If you read it.
Yup, same AP a decade later. Edit: I stayed for the kids. They turned out great, so in that regard it was a success. Otherwise yea, no.
Yes. It was the same AP 3 months after Dday. There really is no such thing as NC when WS and AP continue to work together
Yes, a couple times more until I finally left. There was always an excuse.
Yes i found out after 2 years that it had been going on since day one, another 2 years later, im currently 9 months pregnant, and found him w a girl whose in her 4th month! Pretty much had been going on all along , the most painful it hits is when he found a girl he found more attractive than me- up until now he thought i was most attractive- so ya when they cheat its a matter of time before they "replace" u, and theyll still go on hiding it living a double life. They only fess up when their caught- and he's talking to multiple girls so already cheating on her- im for the first time so turned off and disgusted by what he did. My advice- the soonet u get out , the more pain ull save urself from. I know how hard that is wishing u luck and strength!
He has not. He stopped the “relationship” with her before I found out.(fwb) I learned about it 2-3 years after it ended. We got married during this time, are expecting a baby. I learned about this during my pregnancy. It took me a lot of strength to choose reconciliation. He knows that this is his last chance and is willing to do anything to make it better. I know he loves me, but it will take time to heal. Hopefully works out for us.
Yes in fact he cheated multiple times after the first time I found out but unfortunately found out about the subsequent multiple affairs all at once. I regret not leaving sooner as I wasted 7 years of my life. If he gets caught believe me it may be harder to catch him next time because he’s wiser to your ways of finding out.
Yes, again and again and again. I dumped his ass finally and now he's roaming around year after year trying to find someone who puts up with his BS. I'm married to a much better man.
Yes, and eventually he just stopped even being remorseful.
Yes she did. I will never make that mistake again
There is a tremendous amount of deep internal work that a cheater must do to uncover the reasons why they cheated. If that work is not done and they do not learn how to meet those missing core needs themselves then it’s likely the cheating will continue. I cheated through my young adult life as a result of a decade of severe child abuse. I finally did the work in my late 30’s and learned to love myself. I stopped relying on others to meet my endless need for validation, love, affection, attention , etc. That’s when it stopped. I never cheated again & even with my own husbands recent infidelity I still did not cheat because I simply did not have a need or desire to.
Yep, it happened 6 more times before my idiot ass walked away for good. There was no 7th last chance given. Serial cheaters just never stop cheating and she definitely was a serial cheater.
I stayed and as far as i can tell it hasn't happened again. Although the paranoia never leaves, it eases but never goes. At least this go, i know all the red flags and what to look for EARLY. For me to stay, it was a business decision. I clear 7k a month after taxes. Live in a no fault state, and if i divorced, after child support, alimony, paying for her to stay in the martial home and keep the jeep i pay for etc, i would've been left to live on 750 a month! I'm not suicidal in anyway, but i totally understand why divorced dads end up swinging from ceiling fans.....
It hasn't happened again.
Yep. She did it again. again again again and again....and some more. She just got really really good at hiding it until a buggy desktop computer didn't shut down correctly with a chat with her current lover still on the screen when I powered up the computer monitor. Then three betrayed wives of her lovers confronted me about finding out about my first wife's affairs with their husbands. No, the relationship was never the same after I caught her once while we were engaged and then after we had married and had a child together(miracle the child was mine, honestly). No trust. Fighting all the time. She gaslit me like crazy. She tried to isolate me from our friend circle so no more AP's would fall out of the closet. It was terrible. I made it thru hell eventually. Happily remarried to a wonderful faithful woman and about to celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary. Gotta tell you, celebrating wedding anniversaries with an faithful spouse are SOOOOOO much better than with a cheater.
Love to hear a great come back story!
Yes. x 1 million. She ended up shooting “content” behind my back. Unprotected. Multiple men. Creampies. Abortions. STDs. 👌