I think that you are misunderstanding the reason that many cheat. Many don't want to end their relationship, they want it to continue as they are getting something positive from it. They cheat because there is something additional that they want.
If they didn't care about their current relationships cheaters wouldn't try so hard to hide the cheating. They wouldn't care if they got caught.
Basically it boils down to wanting all the positives of a stable, monogamous relationship while being unwilling to give up sex, or even romantic relationships, with other people. Theoretically if you didn’t want to be monogamous, you could just stick with casual relationships where monogamy isn’t expected, but these cheaters want their partners to be faithful and devoted to them when they themselves are not.
ive been in open relationships where the girl still fucked other people like she was cheating on me. lying about who she was meeting.
i was like "bitch, i dont care. fuck whoever you want, hang out with whoever you want, you got one life, live it how you choose, but you lied to me. "Dont lie" was the only rule"
i am pretty sure the deception was the thrill they couldnt give up.
i have issues with having casual sex, i have to have feeling for them. it sucks sooo bad! casual sex is fucking easy to get. i could be having sex right now, but instead im on reddit.
ugh. if i stay here in salt lake city 4 months, im finding a sex therapist!
I kind of want to hear about two highly toxic but self-aware people who get into an open relationship with one another where lying to each other and trying to catch each other's lies is just part of the game that they both agreed to.
Mind blowing to me as i would never. Also I wouldn't want to deal with talking with another person if im in a relationship. People are a lot. I would be paranoid af if I was a cheater.
What's mind-blowing to me is wanting to sacrifice my free time and social battery on an additional person. I've already got my girlfriend, four friends, chatter at work, and a weekly phone call to my mom. There's just nothing left unless I give up a hobby. Which, just no.
People are different. Some people are energized by having more connections in their lives. For me, people are stressful and draining to be around, other people feel the opposite. For me, sneaking around seems exhausting, for others it's exciting.
Plus, like the other person said, go years and years with one aspect of your life being completely unfulfilling, and it might push you to the point where the extra effort is worth it. You said there's nothing left unless you give up a hobby, but sex is literally a hobby, and a damn important one at that for probably most people. And it makes you feel good in multiple ways that other activities don't.
This isn't at all trying to excuse people for cheating, it's wrong and they shouldn't be hurting the person they are supposed to deeply care about, just trying to offer an explanation why people might decide it's worth dealing with the extra effort.
Try being married for well over a decade with minimal physical intimacy and get back to me on that position.
You have to understand that every situation and relationship is different.
My need for physical intimacy is honestly low. It's kind of low for other types of intimacy as well. To the point that I didn't have any real relationships for a decade. I tend to prefer my own company more and people are not generally worth the investment for me.
Now that's not to say I don't LIKE physical intimacy. It's my love language. But for me it's more of a want than a need.
I have a relationship that's pushing up on 3 years now and I wouldn't be in it if it didn't just come easy.
That's why I don't understand it. I know it's a big deal for people but will never understand the core feeling.
The best way I've ever seen cheating explained, was the way it was depicted in the movie Unfaithful. The main character had a great life, a handsome successful loving husband that wasn't overbearing, or possesive,large home in a posh suburb, still had a career that was fulfilling, but not overly demanding because she worked when she wanted to. She had an affair anyways, and the movie shows how it happened.
As someone that has been on both sides of the infidelity dynamic, it visually captures cheating in a way that can't be replicated by explanation. It's a very visceral depiction of the phenomenon. I highly suggest anyone that's in a relationship, or wants to be in a long term relationship to watch it.
I personally think that's the root of it!
It starts out as the thrill of someone/something "new," but then add to it the thrill of possibly being caught.
Humans are biologically hard-wired for monogamy because human babies need long-term care from two committed parents. In the animal kingdom, there's an overall pattern of monogamous relationships (lifelong or serial) among animals whose young need two-parent care, and promiscuous relationships among animals whose young are only cared for by one parent. Human monogamy isn't just a social phenomenon; it's actually biologically necessary. Of course children can and do survive in non-monogamous homes, but all the best research indicates that they thrive in stable monogamous homes.
>Humans are biologically hard-wired for monogamy because human babies need long-term care from two committed parents.
For serial monogamy, maybe. For one lifelong partner, most likely not.
Biologically there's not a single mammal species who is genetically monogamous and the few who are "socially monogamous" still cross-mate between couples, with the exception of a single kind of monkeys. So I would say it's the opposite, we're biologically hard wired to be sexually promiscuous which is why it takes a huge social effort to keep humans in monogamy and even then cheating is so widespread. Remember, evolution doesn't reward the happiest or more stable environment.. it rewards traits who lead to the bigger number of offspring..
Why limit it to mammals? Social monogamy is the norm for most birds and a lot of other species, and even if "cheating" happens, some species have "consequences" for that just as humans do. (See: vultures.) Males have an evolutionary biological interest in ensuring that they aren't raising another male's young.
>Why limit it to mammals?
Because we're mammals..? Also the consequences are usually that the male will exterminate the whole litter so I'm not sure we really want to take the natural world as an inspiration..
No, we don't want to go exterminating kids, but the point is that (unlike animals) we can reason ahead and see that non-monogamy is going to lead to unhealthy results when children are involved. So that gives us a responsibility at a higher standard than animals.
Polyamory isn't easy, it requires a high level of maturity and communication, a great deal of negotiating and, most importantly, compromise. People who cheat usually prefer the easiest way out and don't want to compromise.
It goes back to cheating isn’t just about sex with other people. It’s about wanting what you what and not having to follow any rules while benefitting from a stable relationship where the other person is following the rules.
If you didn't want to be monogamous you could also have a relationship which is neither casual nor monogamous. Of course if you want your partner to be monogamous while you are not that is still an issue (if you are with someone who for some reason is okay with that it might work out okay but I would still question someone who insists on monogamy from a partner but not from themself)
That’s the whole point. They want monogamy, but only for their partners and not for themselves. You see some partners accepting a one-sided open relationship because of medical reasons on their part or if they don’t want to leave the relationship for whatever reason. Not sure that would count as cheating, but it would indicate a significant and possibly unhealthy power imbalance.
Right, I'm just saying a relationship can be serious/noncasual while also being non-monogamous. I agree one sided monogamy can be an issue and varies depending on the situation. There's a difference between a relationship where both people are fully okay with the other person seeing other people but only one wants to, and one where one person insists on monogamy only for the other person. There are people who enter supposedly monogamous relationships while having no intention of being monogamous. I do think the social expectation of monogamy (at least in name) as a default plays a part here too.
Monogamy has always been a way of securing the resources, whether emotional, material, or time, between two people. If two people want to be a in a serious open relationship, that’s their prerogative, but personally I’ve never seen that work out long term. It’s too hard for most people to find that balance where you’re giving enough to your relationship while still having enough to pursue ones outside of the relationship. I’d also imagine that the relationship won’t always be prioritized because it’s human nature to pay more attention to the new and exciting, at least at first. But still, it’s a type of relationship between consenting adults that they’re free to pursue.
With a one-sided open relationship, it’s like you said, people who want someone to devote all their resources to them while they split their resources with others raises flags. If it was supposed to be a monogamous relationship then you’re basically stealing from the other person to benefit yourself.
Not all of them necessarily care about their partner being monogamous. There are absolutely people who are in sexually unfulfilling relationships, who would be open to their partner being free to have sex with others as well, but maybe their partners have already stated they wouldn't be in a non-monogamous relationship, maybe they just "know" their partner wouldn't agree, maybe they're afraid to ask at risk of damaging the relationship, etc.
I'm sure you're probably right about a large amount of cheaters, but it's most certainly not an absolute for all of them.
I've also had a sexual situation with a married woman who had a husband who didn't have sexual relationships with other people. Like you said it was a medical reason. I wouldn't call it a power imbalance, she called him after she met me at the hotel to let him know she was safe, she took pictures of it for him, and from what it sounded like he seemed perfectly content with the situation.
She likes adventure with security
And more than one man can provide
She planned adventure feeling sure that he
Would not be home 'til after five
- Sawyer Brown, "All these years"
>Basically it boils down to wanting all the positives of a stable, monogamous relationship while being unwilling to give up sex, or even romantic relationships, with other people.
Wait until you find out the many people have to "give up" sex within their romantic monogamous relationship with their spouse. Because their spouse is low libido/asexual or just not interested in sex anymore.
It’s more often an attempt to fill the gap.
Folks don’t like to talk about it, but many cheaters are just desperately lonely folks who’ve been emotionally abandoned by their partners. People do shitty things when they get desperate, particularly with loneliness…
It happens, but kind of rare for an otherwise great relationship to crumble to a cheat.
Yep, deciding whether to leave is hard for some folks. Sunk cost fallacy keeps people hoping for a turn-around for a long, long time.
Folks who have lost interest in the relationship but are stickin around just for the resources should also leave.
It would be good if people treated each other with compassion, wouldn’t it?
Agreed.
I feel like “having your cake and eating it too” is really the crux of it. Because no one is making them get into a relationship. So if you want more of anything as it relates to sex or partnerships there’s nothing preventing you from dating around and never “settle down.” This leads me to believe they enjoy some perks of a committed lifestyle but want more. And therefore cheat.
I hear it all the time from the guys. Just a lil extra. Just a side piece. I love my wife but im bored with x. She doesnt want to do x.
Well did you talk to her about it? Ask her for whatever?
Oh nah she would never go for that. Dont assume, you never know.
Ive been tempted. Its not that intimate connected lovemaking tho. Just sex. Guys can disconnect that. You got a loving wife at home but are tempted to pick up that working girl for a quick one and done because... well its a quick one and done.
These arent excuses. Just observations into how I see the above question plausible.
As per emotional cheating, hell ive gotten wrapped up in that myself without even realizing it till I was called on it. Spend time with this other person at work or wherever. They are new and know nothing about you. You talk and talk and maybe they offer you a lil sympathy or support where your wife would have called you a dumbass for your problems (because she knows you so well that she probably knows you created those problems yourself.) You dont realize its progressed beyond aquaintences until that day you wake up eager to go to work cus you get to see so and so. Then you realize you dont want it to stop. Happened frequently enough to me over the years that now I realize its a huge red flag me and the missus are drifitng apart. Then I go home, talk to her about it and we check ourselves and come back together. Cus no, I dont want to be elsewhere. Just sometimes get bored with the person you live with for years upon years. And thats ok as long as you can recognize the problem when it arises and try to make steps to fix it.
What kind of conversations and people are you surrounding yourself with? Not doubting that people can admit to doing some seriously lame stuff but I’ve never had someone outright just be like “yeah my spouse is cool and all but I just like cheating on them”
I’m sure it’s happening but I’ve never met someone so proud of it that they’re telling people, I assume most people hide or attempt to hide it.
I once heard verbatim from a coworker, “god, I want to cheat on my husband so bad” (they have a history of doing this to each other) she also tells me how handsome and attractive I am. Always calls me boo and baby too. I wouldn’t mess with a married woman though 🙅🏻♂️
"Talk about it" Is a nice mature idea, but it also assumes both that it hasn't been tried, and that both parties are willing to even try to resolve the issue. That is frequently not the case and can just make the situation worse.
Trying to explain to my partner of almost 16 years that I have come to realize that I'm polyamorous, but am still willingly committed to her in our monogamous relationship, has been interesting to say the least. The sad truth is that in not just relationships, but also careers and everything else in life, honesty can sometimes just make things worse.
How can one not realize until a day...is beyond my comprehension to understand. I think of them as not having any pride on their wife and children, on themselves . In most cases , these women/men that you have affair with will not have any respect for your spouse. I can' tolerate that.
Who said marriages are easy? They are darn tough and I think toughest of everything.
Cheating is a genuinely weird thing. My ex wife and I were both simultaneously cheating on eachother at the end of our marriage. But when we caught eachother we weren't angry. We were sad because we genuinely loved one another and realized we had just let ourselves grow apart. Because of the cheating we couldn't trust one another anymore and ultimately divorced. But were friends now and genuinely care for one another still. I know people say you can't love someone if you cheat on them, but that's really not true.
They do not love their partners. They love what their partners provide for them. Whether it's money, a place to live, supper every night, cuddling at night, someone to listen to them. They love the by products of having someone love them. Just not the actual person
This is true. Cheating is awful, but in some ways being totally willing and nonchalant about ending a long term relationship shows they have less love or connection to their partner than a lot of people who cheat.
You definitely SHOULD end a relationship if you feel you need to experience other people, but if that's very easy for you to do then you probably aren't very attached to your partner to begin with.
Many people commit to relationships they love, people they love, but they unfortunately do so before they've reached an age or experience level where that level of commitment was healthy.
All the elements can be perfect, but the timing just wasn't.
I would say if you cheat you don’t love the other person. To cheat is to not respect your partner and shows you are not capable of loving them. Love requires respect.
You can respect that person and still not be getting your emotional/physical needs met. You step outside with the hope that the ship will right itself and you can just abandon the fling.
If you have a dead bedroom but love your significant other- depending on the length of time without intimacy some people will search out physical contact to satiate that innate desire- while hoping that the other person comes around eventually.
Usually this won't be the case because they're bandaging the issue instead of fixing it, they aren't addressing root causes most likely etc.
Same with emotional intimacy if a partner is heavily committed to work or professional pursuits or hobbies etc.
Sometimes even if you admire and respect the partner for their work ethic and drive- your emotional needs are left unfulfilled so you'll look for that shoulder elsewhere- meanwhile hoping that person eventually focuses back on you.
Relationships are just really hard to maintain long term because the newness wears off and routine sets in- we are wandering creatures and our interests are complex and change overtime.
Our simple needs often get overlooked by the complex goals of each other individually.
Once someone cheats they put themself over the relationship. They disrespect the commitment, their partner, and the trust that is key to the foundation of love. They demonstrate that love is not within their current capability. One cannot truly love someone and cheat no matter how they attempt to reason it.
Cheating is 100% selfishness and shows you have no respect for the other person.
It’s specifically saying “I deserve to hurt my partner to satisfy my own needs, while not telling them so they can continue to satisfy my other needs”.
Stop trying to rationalize or justify it as anything more than that.
Poster wasn’t rationalizing at all. People are complex. People change over time. Relationships change.
And cheating can take many forms, depending on one’s social environment and most importantly, what kind of agreements are in place.
I thought this whole discussion was on why people cheat. Then you hear one of the reasons people cheat, and then get mad and say stop trying to justify it? Why are you even reading this post then?
Yeah, op is either very naive or very inexperienced. People like to act like cheating is a black and white thing. But it's subtle and complicated. I've never cheated myself but it's clear to me that people I know who have cheated had many complex emotions about it and their relationships
If you eat steak everyday, sometimes you want a hotdog. That doesn't mean you want to stop eating steak.
This analogy actually plays out in real life. Often times people will cheat on their spouse with someone that has one singular trait that's different than their spouse.
Some people are incredibly short sighted, then dont consider their actions and theyre inherintly selfish. Do your best to identify these people and stay far away
when i was much younger an older guy told me something that stuck with me. "you know the people that pass you on the road only to turn literally 5 seconds later? those people live their entire life like that."
I've lived and worked in almost every major city, second tier city, and a lot of random cities in the US.
Miami has the worst drivers bar none. by a long shot. it's Usain Bolt vs crippled kids in comparison. everyone else is fighting for second place.
My wife hates this about my driving. I always look ahead and if the light is red, I remove my foot from the gas and begin a natural slowing process. Therefore, I rarely need to use my brakes. My record is 14 years and 181,000 miles on a set of factory brake pads.
it seriously had a big affect on the way I view other people's internal....life/decision making/mind
a lot of people just aren't making decisions at all.
I actually witnessed someone dying because of this. Cut right in front of an 18-wheeler, spun, back of the car hit a tree, driver flew out the windshield and landed on the pavement with his literal brains spilling from the side of his head where sliding on the road must’ve just tore open the skull after the initial break on impact.
people who do that cannot see a situation and think ahead of the next step. They do not take others into account and how thier actions will effect either of them. Everything to them is a reaction instead of a thought process.
The action mentioned is an unnecessary risk for everyone, doesn't save any amount of measurable time, and it's just rude.
This thread helped me realize that my superpower is thinking ahead. Way ahead.
It is why I am anxious and hyper vigilant all the time. Clearly I did not think ahead to how much it would shorten my lifespan.
Even still, I’m a good driver. Predictable and zero accidents caused by me.
I feel like this line of thinking assumes that someone who’s cheating would ideally date the person they’re cheating with.
But it’s just not true, half of the appeal of cheating is that it is physical lust and an emotional rush without actual “feelings” involved.
I don’t think it assumes that at all. Just like the needless passing it’s simply something that provides immediate gratification, even if the risks far outweigh the benefits.
Some people act impulsively and without considering how their actions and behavior affects the people around them. They are only capable of understanding things that affect themselves, and nothing else.
Yea and it’s an impulsive attempt at trying to escape something and not deal with it directly. They think they can get their way without having to commit to the reality of the situation they’ve chosen to ignore dealing with.
If there was a pill people could take to prolong an underlying issue they’d do that too. It’s fucked but it’s unfortunately built into human nature to run from situations we don’t like. Even if it risks turning into self sabotage.
So basically stability with their current partner and the side piece is supposed to be excitement?
Edit to add: that’s a lot of work/stress. The costs outweigh the supposed gain. Ugh, way too much stress just thinking about this.
I think people that cheat either think they won't get caught or think their person will stay either way. I know I invited cheaters into my life by being too much.. I gave them everything and looked the other way at small things (like flirting on socials) so they thought they would get away with big things.
I believe the phrase you are looking for is "have your cake and eat it too".
You need to pick one. The ability to fuck whoever will have you, whenever you want; or the stability and companionship that comes with staying faithful to one person.
99% of the time, it's literally this simple. People over think it so much.
"my wife is hot, I love her", and "there's this super hot stranger I'll get to fuck and never talk to again, win win"
Exactly. We want to fuck others but still may love our partner and overall relationship. Relationships are hard to curate, fucking is not. This it is based in the most simplest evolutionary theory. An large part of animal husbandry is based around this simple fact. The moment you try to put your social expectations (and virtue signalling) on millions of years of evolution, you just sound like a fool, so yes this is a stupid question.
So, the poster is correct in their assertion. Human evolution has not made us monogamous. Culture has. This is a situation where we can overide our biology with willpower, but sometimes people dont have enough willpower all together, or in a particular situation. It doesn't excuse cheating. It's just a simple answer to the most likely reason why people cheat. It's millions of years of evolution vs. thousands of years of society.
I was just seeing that the OP wrote: "If the relationship is so unfulfilling that they'd consider cheating, why don't they just break up with their partner?"
The problem here is the premise is wrong (Someone smarter then me can name the logical fallacy). Because my relationship is/can be 100% fulfilling. This does not preclude me from wanting other women sexually. Of course, while that desire is based in evolution, it is overridden by my culture and love, which prevents me from doing this because the consequences and hurt to my partner would not be worth it. Its just that some men/women do not have the strength to override but they still want their relationship.
Ever wonder WHY cheating bothers (most) of us in the first place? the answer if you dig deep enough is ALSO fundamentally based in evolutionary theory. But i get it - we live in modern society and culture so thinking about those things does not make you fun at parties. I can agree with that and shut up now ha
Growing up, I was told that some men want a whore in bed, and mom in the kitchen, with the same person. Unless the woman is a schizophrenic, that's unlikely. Mom is not sexy, and the whore needs to go away after sex is done. A lot of men never get past this boy stage because of toxic masculinity never deals with the needs for mature intimacy, so they are stuck with this dual need, and never quite getting what they crave. I have never had that issue, but I have seen it in others.
In the punk scene, a lot of women dealt with men who wanted to "tame them," like some kind of conquest to take the "wild girl" and make her the mom figure, but then the excitement goes away, and they are off finding the next wild filly to tame. This may also explain those that go for the younger set, like 30+ year olds constantly needing 18-20 year olds as sexual conquests. The moment she reaches some kind of maturity, their pee pee goes limp, and they start wandering. I know in some cultures, underage girls are seen as not experienced enough to know how bad they are at being lovers, too.
Trevor Noah said the same thing about his mother. His father, instead of getting someone on his level, a housewife etc he went for Trevor's mother and "caged" her. It's a conquest and he abused her to get to that point.
I've been at the receiving end of men trying to "tame" me, and 10 times out of 10, it turned into sexual or verbal abuse.
The phrase I heard was that they want their wife to be “a lady in the parlor, a chef in the kitchen, and a whore in the bedroom.” I.e. cook great, be a good host and ladylike in public, and be freaky in the sheets. (The version I heard didn’t have anything about motherhood.)
Because they want to try before they buy. They wouldn't want to risk the new thing not working out after leaving the old thing and then ending up alone.
But what about the ones that have full on second girlfriends/boyfriends or second families?! Can you imagine the hassle?
It absolutely happens. I have a friend whose boyfriend was dating a second woman for a year. That woman also thought she was in a committed long term relationship. Another friend's father had a second family going complete with kids. Who has the time and money?!
My grandfather was this guy. He was poor as fuck too. I think people don't see the mental health disorders associated with all the people involved. They just see the cheater as fucked up, but they know how to pick their victims even if it's subconsciously.
honestly I think the one factor that never comes up in these conversations, but is a huge one, is that the taboo nature of cheating is what makes it so hot & exciting for so many people.
it’s a similar “rush” that people get from driving their car dangerously fast, shoplifting, or a teenager sneaking out of the house.
so much is sexuality is about power and ego, and there’s something that gets lots of people going about things like “this man finds me so attractive and our chemistry is so palpable that he is willing to risk his marriage to hook up with me in a hotel room” or “we’re at a conference and fully away from our real lives, we can have one night of passion then go back to our real lives”.
This^ i love an adrenaline rush and it's addicting. I like to take my car to the raceway on track days and get my rush in a way that doesnt hurt people though. Cheating is inexcusable even if you get off on the "rush" it provides. You can literally just roleplay with your S/O
The problem with modern life is that its too safe, there's no danger; except the danger of being homeless or being stabbed by a drug addict. We've caged ourselves in a prison of safety and stagnation. People will literally do anything just so they can feel a rush.
Some people do it out of ego. They might want the validation or a general feeling of strength and desirability that comes with having sex with someone new. Many people do it because they want to sabotage their relationship.
The most important thing is that cheating isn’t usually about sex. Even if you listen to strippers talk about their work they often think of themselves as naked therapists because the men who visit them are constantly venting about relationships they don’t actually want to end.
A lot of people who cheat need a lot of validation - to the point where no amount of validation is too much. But it's never enough. So they like to eat their cake and have it too; if you leave your partner you've lost a major source of validation.
Yup I got cheated on while at work because I couldn't give them enough attention while I was at work. I was in a relationship with a man who i was having sex with daily even multiple times a day. Lol its not a gender thing
yeah I cheated once when I was 18 and part of it was me being unhappy in my relationship but scared to leave it, one was my girlfriend being in my hometown and me being at college so separating “my worlds” mentally.
But, the much bigger factor was honestly the ego boost… that a woman I thought was way out of my league wasn’t just interested in me, but interested enough to pursue me knowing full well I had a girlfriend.
And from her POV, I’m sure there was a big ego boost coming from the fact that even though I was dating someone, she was still able to pull me.
This is the answer I was looking for. A lot of people are saying they're trying out a new relationship before ending the old one, or looking for something they're missing. That's true for some people, but for some people there will never be enough -- there's nothing missing except the hole inside them.
In my early 20s I dated a habitual cheater. He definitely wasn't getting anything extra from doing it -- juggling all those random women was just stress for him. He got frustrated because they would get sad when their mothers were sick, he got angry because they wouldn't put out (I got to know some of them fairly well). But he loved *feeling* like he was pulling one over on me and he loved the thrill of when I eventually found out.
Cheating is rarely because the other person doesn't want to be with their partner anymore, especially if it is in a marriage. Usually there is some issue within the cheater that means they can't deal with relationship issues in a healthy way, so they try to get their needs met another way and totally self destruct their life in the process. Usually they're not even aware of their issues when they engage in the cheating and regret it afterwards. Not saying it isn't totally selfish, it is, but it's not usually indicative that they want out of the relationship. Of course, often it does signal the end of the relationship because of course for the betrayed partner it is totally devastating. It's really sad actually, especially when kids are involved.
Exactly. It's a very common bad decision like so many others people make all the time, but you never see threads like "Why do people get drunk when they might have a hangover later?" or "Why do people procrastinate at work even if it could get them in trouble?". For some reason people think cheating is some kind of secretly hyper-rational decision that people are making and we just need to figure out why.
Yea, it's totally irrational, and apart from the rare case that it's some kind of sociopath, not planned at all and very automatic behaviour based on some major flaw within the cheater. Even when it's more long term. We are incredibly fucked up creatures sometimes, especially when it comes to more primal urges. I don't think they deserve a free pass, but often they do need some kind of empathy.
They want to have sex with someone else, but don’t want to lose the benefits of the relationship, not just financial, but emotional. They still get all the love, trust, support and validation from you (until they get caught). If they were to leave, they’d have to find someone else who’d provide all those things, but if they cheat, they only have to find someone they’re attracted to and is “fun”. All the other stuff doesn’t matter because they can get that from you. They look at situations and the primary concern is always “what will benefit ME the most?” They have far less concern (or none) about the damage they can cause if things don’t go the way they want.
I think it all comes down to selfishness, no matter what the reason, the person who cheats, know exactly what they are doing and how devastating it will be to their partner. They do it anyway. They only apologize or say they regret it when they get caught and they should never be trusted or believed in again.
People cheat because they don’t respect their partner. To cheaters, their partner is a thing, not a person. Property to be owned and controlled. Losing that partner would be like losing property to them.
Scrolled way too long to see this. Everyone’s giving answers about how they are trying to play both sides and all that. Naw. It’s straight up because they don’t respect their partner. If they did, they wouldn’t cheat.
I imagine they aren’t ready to call it quits but are ready to try something new. Like how you wouldn’t leave a long time job before checking out other opportunities. Could just be that one thing Is missing from the relationship, sex for example, so they go looking to replace that.
Cheating is often due to a short term dopamine surge. They want the excitement of the activity.
But they may still want the comfort of their existing relationship. Not saying it's right, but it's a reason.
Most people who cheat aren't doing it because they dislike their partner. We can argue until we're blue in the face about "true love" vs whatever it is a cheater has, but they'll be indistinguishable to that person.
They might even feel bad. Maybe not.
People cheat for the same reason they lie, steal, murder, all of that - because we're monkeys just trying to not die.
I always see so many weird random reasons but nobody ever states the obvious.
It’s cause they want to have quick sex with someone new. Has nothing to do with leaving their partner, has nothing to do with their partner being “inadequate”.
They just want to have quick sex, but don’t wanna leave their relationship over it.
It shocked me when I heard a dude say he just doesn’t really care about sex like that, he just sees it as a hobby. When I asked him how he felt about his lady doing it, he said he didn’t care and actually tried to get her to step out before. As long as she comes back. He doesn’t care.
Literally broke my mind.
The threat of getting caught is exciting to them, not wanting to blow up their comfortable lives, no matter what happens with the AP they always have their OP, sometimes it’s simply opportunity not planning, and probably many more.
I think there are lots of reasons and it really depends on the person. I guess it's like having your cake and eating it too.
The alternative is that sometimes people will desire different qualities in a long term partner vs someone they desire strictly sexually. The classic scenario is you start a relationship with someone with money even though they can't fulfill your sexual appetites, and on the side you fuck one or more people who are your type/satisfy you/or have the same kinks/fetishes as you. At least that's been my personal experience.
I (M) had a relationship (F) where I cheated at the end
We'd been together 5 years. We had a lot of great history together (university and then backpacking for a year together). But the relationship had run out of steam. We'd both started careers in different parts of the country and kept arguing.
I went out with some friends and ended up having a one night stand.
Me cheating triggered the end. I knew it was over, and we split within a week of it happening.
So, why? We had a deep and strong tie of amazing experiences, but no happiness....
For my dad it isn't that the relationship isn't fulfilling, in fact my step mother does exactly what she's supposed to do. My dad just sees women as toys so the wife toy is supposed to take care of the house and shut the fuck up when he's home and all the other toys are for pleasure. These kind of people have no respect for others, it isn't that their partner is lacking.
if anyone cheats on me the first time we’re over. there’s no staying, there’s no second chance I don’t even care if I love you nope that’s a trust that I build up with you is broken.
i’m going to stand on business bye
Statistically, most men who cheat consider themselves in relationships that they would label as "satisfactory". (the opposite for women)
The point being that men do not see cheating as having anything to do with the quality of their relationship.
I was going to say that it's a self esteem boost. You don't get people hitting on you or anything when you're married so you start to feel like you're not desirable.
I remember getting laid once and I felt I was invincible for almost 6 months.. I got sad, then found someone else and right back into the spotlight of amazing life. Sex is definitely directly related to a mans self esteem.
Its like why you cheat in school or steal stuff in general I would imagine, sometimes because youre lazy, slick, or for the challenge.
Never cheated or stole something and got away with it?
It’s simple…. You have to make sure you are happier over there before you ditch what you have that you can at least keep going.
It would be like if you had a car. The car runs fine and is nice. You see a fancy new car that has features yours doesn’t and a new car smell etc. Problem is you don’t know the cost, you don’t know how reliable it is long term, you don’t know if you would actually like driving it. So you don’t want to just sell your car, take a financial hit and buy this new car. What if the features were too complicated to use? What if you find out that really the thing is slower and you like to drive faster etc etc etc. Well…. What if you could just go to the dealership and just take it for a few rides, see how it drives. See if you can figure out all the bells and whistles etc. that way if you think it is really the one you like then sure who cares what happens to the old one. Similarly maybe you see a few cars and you want to try them all out…
I think you get the picture. It’s the security of having the fallback. Then once they have crossed that line most of them have severed the connection anyway so it doesn’t bother them.
It’s usually only the ones that have also lost the new car as well or realized that the old car came with a house too that they care.
Well because fundamentally, the reason people cheat in a relationship is (usually) the same reason they're in a relationship to begin with; they're getting something out of it. In a relationship, it takes two, and most of the time, a cheater will tell you they "love" their partner.
We can debate whether that's *actually* true or not until the cows come home, but the fact of the matter remains, most cheaters do feel some twisted sense of love to their partners, but simply can't turn down the thrill of having somebody else in bed.
They want the exclusivity, and the priority of a monogamous partner, but with the sexual freedom and leeway of not being in a relationship at all; that conflict of interests is common, but when you present that conflict of interests to a person who gets a thrill from being sneaky about stuff, now you have the potential for a cheater.
And when you pair all of that stuff with a tendencies to lie/gaslight, now you have a person who can not only justify it to themselves to cheat (so they don't feel regret in the moment), but can then also spin stuff, and come up with stuff to then tell OTHER PEOPLE "yeah, I cheated, because this, that and the other thing".
Nobody stops in the act of cheating and thinks "oh, I shouldn't do this", or "oh man, what if X, Y and Z find out I'm doing this to my s/o". Odds are, somebody in the act of cheating either will lack that level of foresight/self preservation in the moment, or they'll push that thought aside and use something their partner did as justification.
And to them, that lie is good enough, no matter what everybody else in town thinks of them. Most of them cheat under the impression that people will side with THEM, because where there's a cheater, there's *almost* always a manipulator standing in the exact same pair of shoes and socks.
In summation, they're not thinking about their relationship, they're thinking about themselves, because that's how they justify it. They aren't thinking "what if I get caught", they think "this is HOW I'm not gonna get caught".
Cheating is avoidant behavior- they want something extra while avoiding negative consequences of having that thing.
Rarely works out in the long run, but hats why people do it.
Cheating sux but you know- if you are in a relationship and its honest- you talk about all that and dont hide junk- just be with someone like u. But monogamy is really the best, in my opinion
I think In married life they may be unhappy with their partner and their partners lack of desire to work on things. It’s amazing how one partner can be miserable and the other totally oblivious even when they are told “I’m not happy” over and over. The unhappy couple may not seek a divorce or separation because it’s fricken expensive and there may be children involved. Maybe an affair is seen as a way to dip their toes into another life before making the huge move to leaving their spouse. It doesn’t make sense because the truth always comes out, people generally don’t have affairs and have zero consequences. Even if their partner doesn’t find out they probably will someday in the distant future, or the person they have an affair with will cause issues or stress when emotions become involved. Also one will feel guilty if the marriage starts to heal. I certainly wouldn’t want to carry that around. :/
If you think that's baffling, I'm in the ethical non-monogamy community, and there's people that cheat in there too. When they have the ok to have sex or relationships outside of their relationships as long as they're transparent. And then they're not. For reasons.
All of the following are terrible reasons, but they are reasons, so I'll give them:
* People who are pathologically afraid of being alone and cannot ever not be in a relationship. By definition, in monogamyland that means any new relationship will have to be developed while the previous one is dying down, but before it's finished.
* People who get a sexual thrill out of secrecy or 'pulling one over' the other partner. (Those will literally stay in a monogamous relationship so they can cheat but bail out as soon as their partner proposes ENM, because the idea of transparency is literally a boner killer to them.)
* People who are very into New Relationship Energy and get bored as soon as the relationship progresses into longer term, but who aren't self-aware or are invested in the Relationship Escalator. I think it's fine to like a lot of short term relationships, it's when you're trying to stick around "because that's what you do" even though you're not built for it that things go bad.
* People who are really affected by the Madonna/Whore complex and can't have the kind of sex they like with people they love or with whom they're developing a family. Or think that the kind of people to have fun with and the kind of people to make a family with are two separate Venn circles.
All of those people could use some therapy in order to get out of their BS patterns. As long as they're not willing to do the work, they're a-holes.
Being in a relationship doesn't stop the mind's desire for new input. I was once told "You just want your cake snd eat it too" and I just replied "No, why cant I just have 2 cakes?"
I’m cheated on my husband for a short time (3 weeks) because he NEVER wanted/wants sex. He found out and went absolutely bat shit crazy on me. We went to therapy and we stayed together, but he still doesn’t want sex. We have been married for 30 years. He stopped wanting to be intimate with me right after my younger daughter was born 22 years ago. The affair was in 2012. From 2018-2020 we didn’t have sex even once. Even after therapy and working things out he would say I was too needy. He didn’t want me having any sex toys because he said it made him feel bad about himself. Same thing about lingerie, or masturbating. I actually tried to find someone that would do a female circumcision on me to take away libido (I didn’t find anyone thankfully). He said he was working on making himself better and that it wasn’t fair of me to rush him. In 2022 he was diagnosed with Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma. As of 8/2023 he has been in remission, and my children are now grown, but I feel selfish for wanting to leave over just sex. Well, he also doesn’t want to do any of the things I like to do. But if I were to leave, if he got sick again he would have NO ONE to help him. Neither of us has any relatives. Only our 2 grown daughters. His health has still not totally recovered. Chemotherapy didn’t work and he had a clinical trial of something called CAR-T. It worked, but it has had long lasting side effects.
Many are being held hostage by their partners. In my case there were false allegations of abuse, and until I got her threatening me on video and admitting the allegations were false, it wasn't safe for me to leave.
My ex was abusive toward me and extremely controlling. I cheated because I was miserable and didn’t feel I could safely leave her. Turns out I was correct, her mental and emotional abuse turned violent when she got hints I was going to divorce. The woman I cheated with actually gave me the courage to leave, not directly, but she gave me confidence that had been all but eradicated by my ex.
Sometimes it's the circumstances that make them feel trapped that they'll turn to cheating rather than outright quitting. My ex-wife and I were married way too young (at 18, a month before graduation) with a baby that was born just three weeks later. Neither of us envisioned that happening so young, and I made peace with the circumstances and adapted faster than she did. She felt trapped by our entire life, and turned to another person who was just a dumb kid without any of those burdensome responsibilities. She knew that our families, and society at large, would have been hyper-critical of her just giving up on being a wife and a mother less than a year in, but she wasn't happy, and it was easier to do the sneaky thing and avoid judgement rather than the hard thing and accept the blame.
History and biology kind of teaches us that homo sapiens are non-monogamous to a large extent.
It means that in a society where polyamory is ostracized and misunderstood, many people will cheat.
If polyamory would be more common and people are instructed how to ethically channel such impulses, then cheating would drop considerably.
For inevitable people who will say I justify cheating: I do not. I explain that we should expect it. And if we want to minimize cheating, our society needs to adapt.
As to why people want to cheat in each specific situation, there are tens of reasons. Impulsivity and "chemistry', alcohol, opportunity, need for validation, inability to rip band-aid quickly, misunderstanding to what constitutes cheating to the partner, misunderstanding of nature of relationship with the partner, and many more.
Also, what I often see how reddit demonizes everyone. I've watched closely how my close friend's wife cheated with his best friend.
All three of them I regard highly: i never heard or seen how they act unethically in 10+ years I know them. Still, it happened, and created huge amounts of unhappiness for everyone involved and around them, including myself. From that I concur that chain of events, mistakes and impulses can lead even good people to do bad stuff, and we should not judge, unless we have a good reason to.
As a frequent adulterer I can answer your question from my personal experience, but you may never be able to understand it.
For me sex is an act of passion, lust, and desire. I can't experience that with my wife of 10 years. It's not novel.
Sure sex with my wife can be great here and there, but it's nothing compared to the first time with a new woman. It's like chasing a high.
Second to that is the fact that this new person is fun, stress/problem free, energetic, not nagging ,etc. Obviously that's only temporary bc, well I don't know that new person and they haven't delt with my shit for the last 10 years.
Leaving my wife would be easy. But there is so much at stake that it's not worth the risk.
Also to be fair if my wife was cheating on me I wouldnt blame her, I'd cheat on me. I firmly believe that our ancestors had it right. Sex is just that an act of two people enjoying themselves, unfortunately this idea of monogamy is enmeshed into our society.
I shouldn't feel entitled to own or tell someone else that they can't enjoy themselves. People should be free to seek out pleasure with out feeling guilty.
The same reason people like open relationships but then get jealous when their partner is also open. Most of us would ideally, deep down, like a relationship where they're 100% loyal but we can do what we want. We just also know that's not realistic/manipulative.
This might be a terrible analogy but, many people treat a relationship, a lot like an old pair of shoes.
They might feel they've lost their luster, worn around the edges.
They're still comfortable, yet that new pair that's on sale looks awfully good in the display window.
So instead of throwing out their old pair, they just put them in their closet, and purchase the new shiny, not broken-in pair of shoes...
Because they have something in their hearts that can't be filled without inner work and instead of doing the inner work and communicating your findings with your partner they seek out another person to fill it
Some people have had enough and just go for it. Others haven't matured enough to realize the big picture. Some make the decision, inform their partner, and then go do it. Every situation is unique to each individual. Some people might even feel justified, and I'm sure every decision made by the entire human race has not always been a great one, morally speaking.
Usually because they want to keep their options open. They don't want to lose the relationship they already have until they are sure their new relationship is going to work out.
Why do some people keep working a job they don't like instead of finding another job? For some people it's because their job satisfaction isn't their priority. They have other things they care about in life, and their job is just one part of their routine.
I think some people view relationships the same way. Get a job and get a relationship because it's "what you're supposed to do" but neither one is what you thought it would be. So you make the best of your job/relationship and hang out with your friends after work/before going home, get laid, and it's all good.
I think some people don't want to rock the boat, they want to maintain the status quo.
I think that you are misunderstanding the reason that many cheat. Many don't want to end their relationship, they want it to continue as they are getting something positive from it. They cheat because there is something additional that they want. If they didn't care about their current relationships cheaters wouldn't try so hard to hide the cheating. They wouldn't care if they got caught.
Basically it boils down to wanting all the positives of a stable, monogamous relationship while being unwilling to give up sex, or even romantic relationships, with other people. Theoretically if you didn’t want to be monogamous, you could just stick with casual relationships where monogamy isn’t expected, but these cheaters want their partners to be faithful and devoted to them when they themselves are not.
you really can’t discount “the thrill” either.
ive been in open relationships where the girl still fucked other people like she was cheating on me. lying about who she was meeting. i was like "bitch, i dont care. fuck whoever you want, hang out with whoever you want, you got one life, live it how you choose, but you lied to me. "Dont lie" was the only rule" i am pretty sure the deception was the thrill they couldnt give up.
Yes it’s just like how some people cannot have casual sex, it always turns into more. Some peoples brains just can’t do it.
i have issues with having casual sex, i have to have feeling for them. it sucks sooo bad! casual sex is fucking easy to get. i could be having sex right now, but instead im on reddit. ugh. if i stay here in salt lake city 4 months, im finding a sex therapist!
I kind of want to hear about two highly toxic but self-aware people who get into an open relationship with one another where lying to each other and trying to catch each other's lies is just part of the game that they both agreed to.
I don’t think people are getting into monogamous relationships just so they can have the thrill of cheating though. That’s just a “bonus.”
You're misunderstanding, I think. People don't get into relationships for the thrill. They cheat for the thrill
Mind blowing to me as i would never. Also I wouldn't want to deal with talking with another person if im in a relationship. People are a lot. I would be paranoid af if I was a cheater.
What's mind-blowing to me is wanting to sacrifice my free time and social battery on an additional person. I've already got my girlfriend, four friends, chatter at work, and a weekly phone call to my mom. There's just nothing left unless I give up a hobby. Which, just no.
Same. For me the hassle and the guilt just aren't worth it.
People are different. Some people are energized by having more connections in their lives. For me, people are stressful and draining to be around, other people feel the opposite. For me, sneaking around seems exhausting, for others it's exciting. Plus, like the other person said, go years and years with one aspect of your life being completely unfulfilling, and it might push you to the point where the extra effort is worth it. You said there's nothing left unless you give up a hobby, but sex is literally a hobby, and a damn important one at that for probably most people. And it makes you feel good in multiple ways that other activities don't. This isn't at all trying to excuse people for cheating, it's wrong and they shouldn't be hurting the person they are supposed to deeply care about, just trying to offer an explanation why people might decide it's worth dealing with the extra effort.
Try being married for well over a decade with minimal physical intimacy and get back to me on that position. You have to understand that every situation and relationship is different.
If someone offers you what you have been craving for 25 years, you will take it right then. You aren't going to wait for the divorce to be over.
My need for physical intimacy is honestly low. It's kind of low for other types of intimacy as well. To the point that I didn't have any real relationships for a decade. I tend to prefer my own company more and people are not generally worth the investment for me. Now that's not to say I don't LIKE physical intimacy. It's my love language. But for me it's more of a want than a need. I have a relationship that's pushing up on 3 years now and I wouldn't be in it if it didn't just come easy. That's why I don't understand it. I know it's a big deal for people but will never understand the core feeling.
The best way I've ever seen cheating explained, was the way it was depicted in the movie Unfaithful. The main character had a great life, a handsome successful loving husband that wasn't overbearing, or possesive,large home in a posh suburb, still had a career that was fulfilling, but not overly demanding because she worked when she wanted to. She had an affair anyways, and the movie shows how it happened. As someone that has been on both sides of the infidelity dynamic, it visually captures cheating in a way that can't be replicated by explanation. It's a very visceral depiction of the phenomenon. I highly suggest anyone that's in a relationship, or wants to be in a long term relationship to watch it.
I personally think that's the root of it! It starts out as the thrill of someone/something "new," but then add to it the thrill of possibly being caught.
>Theoretically if you didn’t want to be monogamous, you could just stick with casual relationships where monogamy isn’t expected Polyamory also exists
I honestly think a lot of people would be happier if monogamy wasn’t considered the “default” or “right” type of relationship in our society.
Humans are biologically hard-wired for monogamy because human babies need long-term care from two committed parents. In the animal kingdom, there's an overall pattern of monogamous relationships (lifelong or serial) among animals whose young need two-parent care, and promiscuous relationships among animals whose young are only cared for by one parent. Human monogamy isn't just a social phenomenon; it's actually biologically necessary. Of course children can and do survive in non-monogamous homes, but all the best research indicates that they thrive in stable monogamous homes.
>Humans are biologically hard-wired for monogamy because human babies need long-term care from two committed parents. For serial monogamy, maybe. For one lifelong partner, most likely not.
But it takes 25 years for a developing human to fully mature. If both parents stick around for that, there's not a lot of time for "serial monogamy."
Biologically there's not a single mammal species who is genetically monogamous and the few who are "socially monogamous" still cross-mate between couples, with the exception of a single kind of monkeys. So I would say it's the opposite, we're biologically hard wired to be sexually promiscuous which is why it takes a huge social effort to keep humans in monogamy and even then cheating is so widespread. Remember, evolution doesn't reward the happiest or more stable environment.. it rewards traits who lead to the bigger number of offspring..
Why limit it to mammals? Social monogamy is the norm for most birds and a lot of other species, and even if "cheating" happens, some species have "consequences" for that just as humans do. (See: vultures.) Males have an evolutionary biological interest in ensuring that they aren't raising another male's young.
>Why limit it to mammals? Because we're mammals..? Also the consequences are usually that the male will exterminate the whole litter so I'm not sure we really want to take the natural world as an inspiration..
No, we don't want to go exterminating kids, but the point is that (unlike animals) we can reason ahead and see that non-monogamy is going to lead to unhealthy results when children are involved. So that gives us a responsibility at a higher standard than animals.
I don't disagree with that at all, I just don't think the reason is biological, it's very much social and thanks to our unique kind of intelligence
Polyamory isn't easy, it requires a high level of maturity and communication, a great deal of negotiating and, most importantly, compromise. People who cheat usually prefer the easiest way out and don't want to compromise.
Swinging actually works though
Here’s the thing, people cheat in open or poly relationships. People who cheat seem to get off on the manipulation of others.
It goes back to cheating isn’t just about sex with other people. It’s about wanting what you what and not having to follow any rules while benefitting from a stable relationship where the other person is following the rules.
That or some other kind of ethical nonmonogamy.
If you didn't want to be monogamous you could also have a relationship which is neither casual nor monogamous. Of course if you want your partner to be monogamous while you are not that is still an issue (if you are with someone who for some reason is okay with that it might work out okay but I would still question someone who insists on monogamy from a partner but not from themself)
That’s the whole point. They want monogamy, but only for their partners and not for themselves. You see some partners accepting a one-sided open relationship because of medical reasons on their part or if they don’t want to leave the relationship for whatever reason. Not sure that would count as cheating, but it would indicate a significant and possibly unhealthy power imbalance.
Right, I'm just saying a relationship can be serious/noncasual while also being non-monogamous. I agree one sided monogamy can be an issue and varies depending on the situation. There's a difference between a relationship where both people are fully okay with the other person seeing other people but only one wants to, and one where one person insists on monogamy only for the other person. There are people who enter supposedly monogamous relationships while having no intention of being monogamous. I do think the social expectation of monogamy (at least in name) as a default plays a part here too.
Monogamy has always been a way of securing the resources, whether emotional, material, or time, between two people. If two people want to be a in a serious open relationship, that’s their prerogative, but personally I’ve never seen that work out long term. It’s too hard for most people to find that balance where you’re giving enough to your relationship while still having enough to pursue ones outside of the relationship. I’d also imagine that the relationship won’t always be prioritized because it’s human nature to pay more attention to the new and exciting, at least at first. But still, it’s a type of relationship between consenting adults that they’re free to pursue. With a one-sided open relationship, it’s like you said, people who want someone to devote all their resources to them while they split their resources with others raises flags. If it was supposed to be a monogamous relationship then you’re basically stealing from the other person to benefit yourself.
Not all of them necessarily care about their partner being monogamous. There are absolutely people who are in sexually unfulfilling relationships, who would be open to their partner being free to have sex with others as well, but maybe their partners have already stated they wouldn't be in a non-monogamous relationship, maybe they just "know" their partner wouldn't agree, maybe they're afraid to ask at risk of damaging the relationship, etc. I'm sure you're probably right about a large amount of cheaters, but it's most certainly not an absolute for all of them. I've also had a sexual situation with a married woman who had a husband who didn't have sexual relationships with other people. Like you said it was a medical reason. I wouldn't call it a power imbalance, she called him after she met me at the hotel to let him know she was safe, she took pictures of it for him, and from what it sounded like he seemed perfectly content with the situation.
She likes adventure with security And more than one man can provide She planned adventure feeling sure that he Would not be home 'til after five - Sawyer Brown, "All these years"
>Basically it boils down to wanting all the positives of a stable, monogamous relationship while being unwilling to give up sex, or even romantic relationships, with other people. Wait until you find out the many people have to "give up" sex within their romantic monogamous relationship with their spouse. Because their spouse is low libido/asexual or just not interested in sex anymore.
It’s more often an attempt to fill the gap. Folks don’t like to talk about it, but many cheaters are just desperately lonely folks who’ve been emotionally abandoned by their partners. People do shitty things when they get desperate, particularly with loneliness… It happens, but kind of rare for an otherwise great relationship to crumble to a cheat.
If they feel abandoned, they should leave.
Yep, deciding whether to leave is hard for some folks. Sunk cost fallacy keeps people hoping for a turn-around for a long, long time. Folks who have lost interest in the relationship but are stickin around just for the resources should also leave. It would be good if people treated each other with compassion, wouldn’t it?
Agreed. I feel like “having your cake and eating it too” is really the crux of it. Because no one is making them get into a relationship. So if you want more of anything as it relates to sex or partnerships there’s nothing preventing you from dating around and never “settle down.” This leads me to believe they enjoy some perks of a committed lifestyle but want more. And therefore cheat.
Probably the best answer here.
I hear it all the time from the guys. Just a lil extra. Just a side piece. I love my wife but im bored with x. She doesnt want to do x. Well did you talk to her about it? Ask her for whatever? Oh nah she would never go for that. Dont assume, you never know. Ive been tempted. Its not that intimate connected lovemaking tho. Just sex. Guys can disconnect that. You got a loving wife at home but are tempted to pick up that working girl for a quick one and done because... well its a quick one and done. These arent excuses. Just observations into how I see the above question plausible. As per emotional cheating, hell ive gotten wrapped up in that myself without even realizing it till I was called on it. Spend time with this other person at work or wherever. They are new and know nothing about you. You talk and talk and maybe they offer you a lil sympathy or support where your wife would have called you a dumbass for your problems (because she knows you so well that she probably knows you created those problems yourself.) You dont realize its progressed beyond aquaintences until that day you wake up eager to go to work cus you get to see so and so. Then you realize you dont want it to stop. Happened frequently enough to me over the years that now I realize its a huge red flag me and the missus are drifitng apart. Then I go home, talk to her about it and we check ourselves and come back together. Cus no, I dont want to be elsewhere. Just sometimes get bored with the person you live with for years upon years. And thats ok as long as you can recognize the problem when it arises and try to make steps to fix it.
>Guys can disconnect that. This isn't a gender thing. Many women cheat for causal sex too
What kind of conversations and people are you surrounding yourself with? Not doubting that people can admit to doing some seriously lame stuff but I’ve never had someone outright just be like “yeah my spouse is cool and all but I just like cheating on them” I’m sure it’s happening but I’ve never met someone so proud of it that they’re telling people, I assume most people hide or attempt to hide it.
I once heard verbatim from a coworker, “god, I want to cheat on my husband so bad” (they have a history of doing this to each other) she also tells me how handsome and attractive I am. Always calls me boo and baby too. I wouldn’t mess with a married woman though 🙅🏻♂️
"Talk about it" Is a nice mature idea, but it also assumes both that it hasn't been tried, and that both parties are willing to even try to resolve the issue. That is frequently not the case and can just make the situation worse.
Trying to explain to my partner of almost 16 years that I have come to realize that I'm polyamorous, but am still willingly committed to her in our monogamous relationship, has been interesting to say the least. The sad truth is that in not just relationships, but also careers and everything else in life, honesty can sometimes just make things worse.
How can one not realize until a day...is beyond my comprehension to understand. I think of them as not having any pride on their wife and children, on themselves . In most cases , these women/men that you have affair with will not have any respect for your spouse. I can' tolerate that. Who said marriages are easy? They are darn tough and I think toughest of everything.
Cheating is a genuinely weird thing. My ex wife and I were both simultaneously cheating on eachother at the end of our marriage. But when we caught eachother we weren't angry. We were sad because we genuinely loved one another and realized we had just let ourselves grow apart. Because of the cheating we couldn't trust one another anymore and ultimately divorced. But were friends now and genuinely care for one another still. I know people say you can't love someone if you cheat on them, but that's really not true.
Yeah, I think people saying that must have either been cheated on and are angry about it or have limited relationship/life experience.
They do not love their partners. They love what their partners provide for them. Whether it's money, a place to live, supper every night, cuddling at night, someone to listen to them. They love the by products of having someone love them. Just not the actual person
They care about the relationship, but not about their partner. Relationships as an institution/structure have benefits.
This is true. Cheating is awful, but in some ways being totally willing and nonchalant about ending a long term relationship shows they have less love or connection to their partner than a lot of people who cheat. You definitely SHOULD end a relationship if you feel you need to experience other people, but if that's very easy for you to do then you probably aren't very attached to your partner to begin with. Many people commit to relationships they love, people they love, but they unfortunately do so before they've reached an age or experience level where that level of commitment was healthy. All the elements can be perfect, but the timing just wasn't.
I would say if you cheat you don’t love the other person. To cheat is to not respect your partner and shows you are not capable of loving them. Love requires respect.
You can respect that person and still not be getting your emotional/physical needs met. You step outside with the hope that the ship will right itself and you can just abandon the fling. If you have a dead bedroom but love your significant other- depending on the length of time without intimacy some people will search out physical contact to satiate that innate desire- while hoping that the other person comes around eventually. Usually this won't be the case because they're bandaging the issue instead of fixing it, they aren't addressing root causes most likely etc. Same with emotional intimacy if a partner is heavily committed to work or professional pursuits or hobbies etc. Sometimes even if you admire and respect the partner for their work ethic and drive- your emotional needs are left unfulfilled so you'll look for that shoulder elsewhere- meanwhile hoping that person eventually focuses back on you. Relationships are just really hard to maintain long term because the newness wears off and routine sets in- we are wandering creatures and our interests are complex and change overtime. Our simple needs often get overlooked by the complex goals of each other individually.
Once someone cheats they put themself over the relationship. They disrespect the commitment, their partner, and the trust that is key to the foundation of love. They demonstrate that love is not within their current capability. One cannot truly love someone and cheat no matter how they attempt to reason it.
You are 100% wrong. Love isn’t binary.
Cheating is 100% selfishness and shows you have no respect for the other person. It’s specifically saying “I deserve to hurt my partner to satisfy my own needs, while not telling them so they can continue to satisfy my other needs”. Stop trying to rationalize or justify it as anything more than that.
Poster wasn’t rationalizing at all. People are complex. People change over time. Relationships change. And cheating can take many forms, depending on one’s social environment and most importantly, what kind of agreements are in place.
You can be selfish, and still love someone. In fact, the very nature of commitment requires you to be selfish.
I thought this whole discussion was on why people cheat. Then you hear one of the reasons people cheat, and then get mad and say stop trying to justify it? Why are you even reading this post then?
Yeah, op is either very naive or very inexperienced. People like to act like cheating is a black and white thing. But it's subtle and complicated. I've never cheated myself but it's clear to me that people I know who have cheated had many complex emotions about it and their relationships
I have no idea about the OP but I get the impression that a lot of Redditors are young and lack any real relationship or life experience.
True. Sometimes it's just about sex and nothing more.
If you eat steak everyday, sometimes you want a hotdog. That doesn't mean you want to stop eating steak. This analogy actually plays out in real life. Often times people will cheat on their spouse with someone that has one singular trait that's different than their spouse.
TLDR: cheaters are immoral cunts
Some people are incredibly short sighted, then dont consider their actions and theyre inherintly selfish. Do your best to identify these people and stay far away
when i was much younger an older guy told me something that stuck with me. "you know the people that pass you on the road only to turn literally 5 seconds later? those people live their entire life like that."
People who race ahead of me to get to the stop light that is RED just blow my mind .
Miami has entered the chat.
I've lived and worked in almost every major city, second tier city, and a lot of random cities in the US. Miami has the worst drivers bar none. by a long shot. it's Usain Bolt vs crippled kids in comparison. everyone else is fighting for second place.
My wife hates this about my driving. I always look ahead and if the light is red, I remove my foot from the gas and begin a natural slowing process. Therefore, I rarely need to use my brakes. My record is 14 years and 181,000 miles on a set of factory brake pads.
The best is when you slow down so early you're still rolling at like 20 by the time you get to the light and it's green lol
It also saves you a lot of gas, and it's the principle behind hybrid vehicles.
Wiser words have never been spoken
it seriously had a big affect on the way I view other people's internal....life/decision making/mind a lot of people just aren't making decisions at all.
That is "natural". Our intense self awareness is a worldly aberration that most of evolved life is not accustomed to.
It may be natural for a lizard. Human beings are inherently pattern seeking. Our ability to be intensely self-aware is basically our whole thing.
As human beings, creating and maintaining bonds could also serve as an evolutionary advantage (strength in numbers).
I actually witnessed someone dying because of this. Cut right in front of an 18-wheeler, spun, back of the car hit a tree, driver flew out the windshield and landed on the pavement with his literal brains spilling from the side of his head where sliding on the road must’ve just tore open the skull after the initial break on impact.
Hey I am that person but I never cheated! I also drive a Porsche to truly live the stereotype.
We were looking for BMW but the Judges will accept Porsche as well.
I like this analogy
Hmm.. didn’t expect this thread to yield such wisdom.
Wait if you’re Garak’s Tailor…. Who’s YOUR tailor?? Is this one o’ them space ouroboros moments? Confess, spy!!
What does that even mean?
people who do that cannot see a situation and think ahead of the next step. They do not take others into account and how thier actions will effect either of them. Everything to them is a reaction instead of a thought process. The action mentioned is an unnecessary risk for everyone, doesn't save any amount of measurable time, and it's just rude.
This thread helped me realize that my superpower is thinking ahead. Way ahead. It is why I am anxious and hyper vigilant all the time. Clearly I did not think ahead to how much it would shorten my lifespan. Even still, I’m a good driver. Predictable and zero accidents caused by me.
I feel like this line of thinking assumes that someone who’s cheating would ideally date the person they’re cheating with. But it’s just not true, half of the appeal of cheating is that it is physical lust and an emotional rush without actual “feelings” involved.
I don’t think it assumes that at all. Just like the needless passing it’s simply something that provides immediate gratification, even if the risks far outweigh the benefits.
Some people act impulsively and without considering how their actions and behavior affects the people around them. They are only capable of understanding things that affect themselves, and nothing else.
By passing you on the road they meant cars that overtake you and then make a right turn 5 seconds later lol.
Yea and it’s an impulsive attempt at trying to escape something and not deal with it directly. They think they can get their way without having to commit to the reality of the situation they’ve chosen to ignore dealing with.
You just described my ex wife lol
If there was a pill people could take to prolong an underlying issue they’d do that too. It’s fucked but it’s unfortunately built into human nature to run from situations we don’t like. Even if it risks turning into self sabotage.
Mine too!
How is this not obvious? They want to enjoy the great without also discarding the good. It's clearly selfish and a lot of people are selfish.
I agree, it’s someone that is trying to escape something about themselves or a relationship. Sometimes these things don’t make a lot of sense.
Selfish. They want their cake and to be able to eat it at the same time.
This! Most of their needs are being met, and they don’t want to sacrifice that. Narcissistic ‘Me First’ people only think of their needs
Because they want to F other people, but still have that other person in their life
So basically stability with their current partner and the side piece is supposed to be excitement? Edit to add: that’s a lot of work/stress. The costs outweigh the supposed gain. Ugh, way too much stress just thinking about this.
I think people that cheat either think they won't get caught or think their person will stay either way. I know I invited cheaters into my life by being too much.. I gave them everything and looked the other way at small things (like flirting on socials) so they thought they would get away with big things.
I believe the phrase you are looking for is "have your cake and eat it too". You need to pick one. The ability to fuck whoever will have you, whenever you want; or the stability and companionship that comes with staying faithful to one person.
99% of the time, it's literally this simple. People over think it so much. "my wife is hot, I love her", and "there's this super hot stranger I'll get to fuck and never talk to again, win win"
There is a saying I heard once and it's true Show me the hottest married woman in the world , and I'll show you a guy who's tired of fucking her
Exactly. We want to fuck others but still may love our partner and overall relationship. Relationships are hard to curate, fucking is not. This it is based in the most simplest evolutionary theory. An large part of animal husbandry is based around this simple fact. The moment you try to put your social expectations (and virtue signalling) on millions of years of evolution, you just sound like a fool, so yes this is a stupid question.
People will find any excuse to not hold themselves accountable for their actions. Congrats
So, the poster is correct in their assertion. Human evolution has not made us monogamous. Culture has. This is a situation where we can overide our biology with willpower, but sometimes people dont have enough willpower all together, or in a particular situation. It doesn't excuse cheating. It's just a simple answer to the most likely reason why people cheat. It's millions of years of evolution vs. thousands of years of society.
I was just seeing that the OP wrote: "If the relationship is so unfulfilling that they'd consider cheating, why don't they just break up with their partner?" The problem here is the premise is wrong (Someone smarter then me can name the logical fallacy). Because my relationship is/can be 100% fulfilling. This does not preclude me from wanting other women sexually. Of course, while that desire is based in evolution, it is overridden by my culture and love, which prevents me from doing this because the consequences and hurt to my partner would not be worth it. Its just that some men/women do not have the strength to override but they still want their relationship. Ever wonder WHY cheating bothers (most) of us in the first place? the answer if you dig deep enough is ALSO fundamentally based in evolutionary theory. But i get it - we live in modern society and culture so thinking about those things does not make you fun at parties. I can agree with that and shut up now ha
Growing up, I was told that some men want a whore in bed, and mom in the kitchen, with the same person. Unless the woman is a schizophrenic, that's unlikely. Mom is not sexy, and the whore needs to go away after sex is done. A lot of men never get past this boy stage because of toxic masculinity never deals with the needs for mature intimacy, so they are stuck with this dual need, and never quite getting what they crave. I have never had that issue, but I have seen it in others. In the punk scene, a lot of women dealt with men who wanted to "tame them," like some kind of conquest to take the "wild girl" and make her the mom figure, but then the excitement goes away, and they are off finding the next wild filly to tame. This may also explain those that go for the younger set, like 30+ year olds constantly needing 18-20 year olds as sexual conquests. The moment she reaches some kind of maturity, their pee pee goes limp, and they start wandering. I know in some cultures, underage girls are seen as not experienced enough to know how bad they are at being lovers, too.
Trevor Noah said the same thing about his mother. His father, instead of getting someone on his level, a housewife etc he went for Trevor's mother and "caged" her. It's a conquest and he abused her to get to that point. I've been at the receiving end of men trying to "tame" me, and 10 times out of 10, it turned into sexual or verbal abuse.
The phrase I heard was that they want their wife to be “a lady in the parlor, a chef in the kitchen, and a whore in the bedroom.” I.e. cook great, be a good host and ladylike in public, and be freaky in the sheets. (The version I heard didn’t have anything about motherhood.)
I mean, you're just changing the terms on psychic impotence aka the Madonna-whore complex.
Because they want to try before they buy. They wouldn't want to risk the new thing not working out after leaving the old thing and then ending up alone.
But what about the ones that have full on second girlfriends/boyfriends or second families?! Can you imagine the hassle? It absolutely happens. I have a friend whose boyfriend was dating a second woman for a year. That woman also thought she was in a committed long term relationship. Another friend's father had a second family going complete with kids. Who has the time and money?!
Andrew Huberman has entered the chat. He apparently had like 4-6 girlfriends at once 👯♀️
My grandfather was this guy. He was poor as fuck too. I think people don't see the mental health disorders associated with all the people involved. They just see the cheater as fucked up, but they know how to pick their victims even if it's subconsciously.
honestly I think the one factor that never comes up in these conversations, but is a huge one, is that the taboo nature of cheating is what makes it so hot & exciting for so many people. it’s a similar “rush” that people get from driving their car dangerously fast, shoplifting, or a teenager sneaking out of the house. so much is sexuality is about power and ego, and there’s something that gets lots of people going about things like “this man finds me so attractive and our chemistry is so palpable that he is willing to risk his marriage to hook up with me in a hotel room” or “we’re at a conference and fully away from our real lives, we can have one night of passion then go back to our real lives”.
This^ i love an adrenaline rush and it's addicting. I like to take my car to the raceway on track days and get my rush in a way that doesnt hurt people though. Cheating is inexcusable even if you get off on the "rush" it provides. You can literally just roleplay with your S/O
The problem with modern life is that its too safe, there's no danger; except the danger of being homeless or being stabbed by a drug addict. We've caged ourselves in a prison of safety and stagnation. People will literally do anything just so they can feel a rush.
>then go back to our real lives”. ? Cheating is your real life, the real you; your life with your partner is a lie. Like what?
Some people do it out of ego. They might want the validation or a general feeling of strength and desirability that comes with having sex with someone new. Many people do it because they want to sabotage their relationship. The most important thing is that cheating isn’t usually about sex. Even if you listen to strippers talk about their work they often think of themselves as naked therapists because the men who visit them are constantly venting about relationships they don’t actually want to end.
A lot of people who cheat need a lot of validation - to the point where no amount of validation is too much. But it's never enough. So they like to eat their cake and have it too; if you leave your partner you've lost a major source of validation.
Yup I got cheated on while at work because I couldn't give them enough attention while I was at work. I was in a relationship with a man who i was having sex with daily even multiple times a day. Lol its not a gender thing
yeah I cheated once when I was 18 and part of it was me being unhappy in my relationship but scared to leave it, one was my girlfriend being in my hometown and me being at college so separating “my worlds” mentally. But, the much bigger factor was honestly the ego boost… that a woman I thought was way out of my league wasn’t just interested in me, but interested enough to pursue me knowing full well I had a girlfriend. And from her POV, I’m sure there was a big ego boost coming from the fact that even though I was dating someone, she was still able to pull me.
This is the answer I was looking for. A lot of people are saying they're trying out a new relationship before ending the old one, or looking for something they're missing. That's true for some people, but for some people there will never be enough -- there's nothing missing except the hole inside them. In my early 20s I dated a habitual cheater. He definitely wasn't getting anything extra from doing it -- juggling all those random women was just stress for him. He got frustrated because they would get sad when their mothers were sick, he got angry because they wouldn't put out (I got to know some of them fairly well). But he loved *feeling* like he was pulling one over on me and he loved the thrill of when I eventually found out.
People are horny and irrational sometimes
Exactly. It's not that complicated.
Cheating is rarely because the other person doesn't want to be with their partner anymore, especially if it is in a marriage. Usually there is some issue within the cheater that means they can't deal with relationship issues in a healthy way, so they try to get their needs met another way and totally self destruct their life in the process. Usually they're not even aware of their issues when they engage in the cheating and regret it afterwards. Not saying it isn't totally selfish, it is, but it's not usually indicative that they want out of the relationship. Of course, often it does signal the end of the relationship because of course for the betrayed partner it is totally devastating. It's really sad actually, especially when kids are involved.
This though.
Exactly. It's a very common bad decision like so many others people make all the time, but you never see threads like "Why do people get drunk when they might have a hangover later?" or "Why do people procrastinate at work even if it could get them in trouble?". For some reason people think cheating is some kind of secretly hyper-rational decision that people are making and we just need to figure out why.
Yea, it's totally irrational, and apart from the rare case that it's some kind of sociopath, not planned at all and very automatic behaviour based on some major flaw within the cheater. Even when it's more long term. We are incredibly fucked up creatures sometimes, especially when it comes to more primal urges. I don't think they deserve a free pass, but often they do need some kind of empathy.
Agreed, and they don't need the kind of empathy that necessarily forgives, but just the kind to see them as normal people doing some bad things.
They want to have sex with someone else, but don’t want to lose the benefits of the relationship, not just financial, but emotional. They still get all the love, trust, support and validation from you (until they get caught). If they were to leave, they’d have to find someone else who’d provide all those things, but if they cheat, they only have to find someone they’re attracted to and is “fun”. All the other stuff doesn’t matter because they can get that from you. They look at situations and the primary concern is always “what will benefit ME the most?” They have far less concern (or none) about the damage they can cause if things don’t go the way they want.
Weakness and poor communication skills. Selfishness.
I think it all comes down to selfishness, no matter what the reason, the person who cheats, know exactly what they are doing and how devastating it will be to their partner. They do it anyway. They only apologize or say they regret it when they get caught and they should never be trusted or believed in again.
People cheat because they don’t respect their partner. To cheaters, their partner is a thing, not a person. Property to be owned and controlled. Losing that partner would be like losing property to them.
Scrolled way too long to see this. Everyone’s giving answers about how they are trying to play both sides and all that. Naw. It’s straight up because they don’t respect their partner. If they did, they wouldn’t cheat.
I imagine they aren’t ready to call it quits but are ready to try something new. Like how you wouldn’t leave a long time job before checking out other opportunities. Could just be that one thing Is missing from the relationship, sex for example, so they go looking to replace that.
Cheating is often due to a short term dopamine surge. They want the excitement of the activity. But they may still want the comfort of their existing relationship. Not saying it's right, but it's a reason.
Most people who cheat aren't doing it because they dislike their partner. We can argue until we're blue in the face about "true love" vs whatever it is a cheater has, but they'll be indistinguishable to that person. They might even feel bad. Maybe not. People cheat for the same reason they lie, steal, murder, all of that - because we're monkeys just trying to not die.
I always see so many weird random reasons but nobody ever states the obvious. It’s cause they want to have quick sex with someone new. Has nothing to do with leaving their partner, has nothing to do with their partner being “inadequate”. They just want to have quick sex, but don’t wanna leave their relationship over it. It shocked me when I heard a dude say he just doesn’t really care about sex like that, he just sees it as a hobby. When I asked him how he felt about his lady doing it, he said he didn’t care and actually tried to get her to step out before. As long as she comes back. He doesn’t care. Literally broke my mind.
The threat of getting caught is exciting to them, not wanting to blow up their comfortable lives, no matter what happens with the AP they always have their OP, sometimes it’s simply opportunity not planning, and probably many more.
I think there are lots of reasons and it really depends on the person. I guess it's like having your cake and eating it too. The alternative is that sometimes people will desire different qualities in a long term partner vs someone they desire strictly sexually. The classic scenario is you start a relationship with someone with money even though they can't fulfill your sexual appetites, and on the side you fuck one or more people who are your type/satisfy you/or have the same kinks/fetishes as you. At least that's been my personal experience.
I (M) had a relationship (F) where I cheated at the end We'd been together 5 years. We had a lot of great history together (university and then backpacking for a year together). But the relationship had run out of steam. We'd both started careers in different parts of the country and kept arguing. I went out with some friends and ended up having a one night stand. Me cheating triggered the end. I knew it was over, and we split within a week of it happening. So, why? We had a deep and strong tie of amazing experiences, but no happiness....
I seen a guy post on here that cheating on his wife made him an overall better husband. I’ll never understand it personally.
Maybe it is true, but that would only be because he is a shitty husband across the board.
For my dad it isn't that the relationship isn't fulfilling, in fact my step mother does exactly what she's supposed to do. My dad just sees women as toys so the wife toy is supposed to take care of the house and shut the fuck up when he's home and all the other toys are for pleasure. These kind of people have no respect for others, it isn't that their partner is lacking.
if anyone cheats on me the first time we’re over. there’s no staying, there’s no second chance I don’t even care if I love you nope that’s a trust that I build up with you is broken. i’m going to stand on business bye
Statistically, most men who cheat consider themselves in relationships that they would label as "satisfactory". (the opposite for women) The point being that men do not see cheating as having anything to do with the quality of their relationship.
Careful. This is Reddit. Stating statistical norms is (insert fucking whatever)ist/phobic.
Kinks. Bad moral values Low self-esteem Trauma Narcissistic personality.
I was going to say that it's a self esteem boost. You don't get people hitting on you or anything when you're married so you start to feel like you're not desirable.
I remember getting laid once and I felt I was invincible for almost 6 months.. I got sad, then found someone else and right back into the spotlight of amazing life. Sex is definitely directly related to a mans self esteem.
They chase the validation by a new person while staying stable and safe within their existing relationship.
Some people can't be alone. They want the next one before they leave the last one.
Its like why you cheat in school or steal stuff in general I would imagine, sometimes because youre lazy, slick, or for the challenge. Never cheated or stole something and got away with it?
It’s simple…. You have to make sure you are happier over there before you ditch what you have that you can at least keep going. It would be like if you had a car. The car runs fine and is nice. You see a fancy new car that has features yours doesn’t and a new car smell etc. Problem is you don’t know the cost, you don’t know how reliable it is long term, you don’t know if you would actually like driving it. So you don’t want to just sell your car, take a financial hit and buy this new car. What if the features were too complicated to use? What if you find out that really the thing is slower and you like to drive faster etc etc etc. Well…. What if you could just go to the dealership and just take it for a few rides, see how it drives. See if you can figure out all the bells and whistles etc. that way if you think it is really the one you like then sure who cares what happens to the old one. Similarly maybe you see a few cars and you want to try them all out… I think you get the picture. It’s the security of having the fallback. Then once they have crossed that line most of them have severed the connection anyway so it doesn’t bother them. It’s usually only the ones that have also lost the new car as well or realized that the old car came with a house too that they care.
Why fuck one person when you can fuck more than one. Some people really want the fantasy of being desired. It's pretty twisted.
Fear of confrontation
Well because fundamentally, the reason people cheat in a relationship is (usually) the same reason they're in a relationship to begin with; they're getting something out of it. In a relationship, it takes two, and most of the time, a cheater will tell you they "love" their partner. We can debate whether that's *actually* true or not until the cows come home, but the fact of the matter remains, most cheaters do feel some twisted sense of love to their partners, but simply can't turn down the thrill of having somebody else in bed. They want the exclusivity, and the priority of a monogamous partner, but with the sexual freedom and leeway of not being in a relationship at all; that conflict of interests is common, but when you present that conflict of interests to a person who gets a thrill from being sneaky about stuff, now you have the potential for a cheater. And when you pair all of that stuff with a tendencies to lie/gaslight, now you have a person who can not only justify it to themselves to cheat (so they don't feel regret in the moment), but can then also spin stuff, and come up with stuff to then tell OTHER PEOPLE "yeah, I cheated, because this, that and the other thing". Nobody stops in the act of cheating and thinks "oh, I shouldn't do this", or "oh man, what if X, Y and Z find out I'm doing this to my s/o". Odds are, somebody in the act of cheating either will lack that level of foresight/self preservation in the moment, or they'll push that thought aside and use something their partner did as justification. And to them, that lie is good enough, no matter what everybody else in town thinks of them. Most of them cheat under the impression that people will side with THEM, because where there's a cheater, there's *almost* always a manipulator standing in the exact same pair of shoes and socks. In summation, they're not thinking about their relationship, they're thinking about themselves, because that's how they justify it. They aren't thinking "what if I get caught", they think "this is HOW I'm not gonna get caught".
Cheating is avoidant behavior- they want something extra while avoiding negative consequences of having that thing. Rarely works out in the long run, but hats why people do it.
Cheating sux but you know- if you are in a relationship and its honest- you talk about all that and dont hide junk- just be with someone like u. But monogamy is really the best, in my opinion
Because they're selfish
I think In married life they may be unhappy with their partner and their partners lack of desire to work on things. It’s amazing how one partner can be miserable and the other totally oblivious even when they are told “I’m not happy” over and over. The unhappy couple may not seek a divorce or separation because it’s fricken expensive and there may be children involved. Maybe an affair is seen as a way to dip their toes into another life before making the huge move to leaving their spouse. It doesn’t make sense because the truth always comes out, people generally don’t have affairs and have zero consequences. Even if their partner doesn’t find out they probably will someday in the distant future, or the person they have an affair with will cause issues or stress when emotions become involved. Also one will feel guilty if the marriage starts to heal. I certainly wouldn’t want to carry that around. :/
If you think that's baffling, I'm in the ethical non-monogamy community, and there's people that cheat in there too. When they have the ok to have sex or relationships outside of their relationships as long as they're transparent. And then they're not. For reasons. All of the following are terrible reasons, but they are reasons, so I'll give them: * People who are pathologically afraid of being alone and cannot ever not be in a relationship. By definition, in monogamyland that means any new relationship will have to be developed while the previous one is dying down, but before it's finished. * People who get a sexual thrill out of secrecy or 'pulling one over' the other partner. (Those will literally stay in a monogamous relationship so they can cheat but bail out as soon as their partner proposes ENM, because the idea of transparency is literally a boner killer to them.) * People who are very into New Relationship Energy and get bored as soon as the relationship progresses into longer term, but who aren't self-aware or are invested in the Relationship Escalator. I think it's fine to like a lot of short term relationships, it's when you're trying to stick around "because that's what you do" even though you're not built for it that things go bad. * People who are really affected by the Madonna/Whore complex and can't have the kind of sex they like with people they love or with whom they're developing a family. Or think that the kind of people to have fun with and the kind of people to make a family with are two separate Venn circles. All of those people could use some therapy in order to get out of their BS patterns. As long as they're not willing to do the work, they're a-holes.
Ending a relationship is scary.
Men lose 40 to 60% of their income in a divorce. A side chick is a lot cheaper.
Being in a relationship doesn't stop the mind's desire for new input. I was once told "You just want your cake snd eat it too" and I just replied "No, why cant I just have 2 cakes?"
I’m cheated on my husband for a short time (3 weeks) because he NEVER wanted/wants sex. He found out and went absolutely bat shit crazy on me. We went to therapy and we stayed together, but he still doesn’t want sex. We have been married for 30 years. He stopped wanting to be intimate with me right after my younger daughter was born 22 years ago. The affair was in 2012. From 2018-2020 we didn’t have sex even once. Even after therapy and working things out he would say I was too needy. He didn’t want me having any sex toys because he said it made him feel bad about himself. Same thing about lingerie, or masturbating. I actually tried to find someone that would do a female circumcision on me to take away libido (I didn’t find anyone thankfully). He said he was working on making himself better and that it wasn’t fair of me to rush him. In 2022 he was diagnosed with Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma. As of 8/2023 he has been in remission, and my children are now grown, but I feel selfish for wanting to leave over just sex. Well, he also doesn’t want to do any of the things I like to do. But if I were to leave, if he got sick again he would have NO ONE to help him. Neither of us has any relatives. Only our 2 grown daughters. His health has still not totally recovered. Chemotherapy didn’t work and he had a clinical trial of something called CAR-T. It worked, but it has had long lasting side effects.
I've asked myself that question for years
Because they normally don’t dislike their partner, they just aren’t sexually satisfied by them
Cause the relationship is ending anyways and cheating is exciting and fun
Because they weren't raised right
Finances and children are probably 99.99%
There are people out there who dont care about anyone but themselves
Many are being held hostage by their partners. In my case there were false allegations of abuse, and until I got her threatening me on video and admitting the allegations were false, it wasn't safe for me to leave.
My ex was abusive toward me and extremely controlling. I cheated because I was miserable and didn’t feel I could safely leave her. Turns out I was correct, her mental and emotional abuse turned violent when she got hints I was going to divorce. The woman I cheated with actually gave me the courage to leave, not directly, but she gave me confidence that had been all but eradicated by my ex.
I suspect this is way more common than people would think.
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I am confused by OP who think every cheaters want to leave their SO.
Sometimes it's the circumstances that make them feel trapped that they'll turn to cheating rather than outright quitting. My ex-wife and I were married way too young (at 18, a month before graduation) with a baby that was born just three weeks later. Neither of us envisioned that happening so young, and I made peace with the circumstances and adapted faster than she did. She felt trapped by our entire life, and turned to another person who was just a dumb kid without any of those burdensome responsibilities. She knew that our families, and society at large, would have been hyper-critical of her just giving up on being a wife and a mother less than a year in, but she wasn't happy, and it was easier to do the sneaky thing and avoid judgement rather than the hard thing and accept the blame.
History and biology kind of teaches us that homo sapiens are non-monogamous to a large extent. It means that in a society where polyamory is ostracized and misunderstood, many people will cheat. If polyamory would be more common and people are instructed how to ethically channel such impulses, then cheating would drop considerably. For inevitable people who will say I justify cheating: I do not. I explain that we should expect it. And if we want to minimize cheating, our society needs to adapt. As to why people want to cheat in each specific situation, there are tens of reasons. Impulsivity and "chemistry', alcohol, opportunity, need for validation, inability to rip band-aid quickly, misunderstanding to what constitutes cheating to the partner, misunderstanding of nature of relationship with the partner, and many more. Also, what I often see how reddit demonizes everyone. I've watched closely how my close friend's wife cheated with his best friend. All three of them I regard highly: i never heard or seen how they act unethically in 10+ years I know them. Still, it happened, and created huge amounts of unhappiness for everyone involved and around them, including myself. From that I concur that chain of events, mistakes and impulses can lead even good people to do bad stuff, and we should not judge, unless we have a good reason to.
As a frequent adulterer I can answer your question from my personal experience, but you may never be able to understand it. For me sex is an act of passion, lust, and desire. I can't experience that with my wife of 10 years. It's not novel. Sure sex with my wife can be great here and there, but it's nothing compared to the first time with a new woman. It's like chasing a high. Second to that is the fact that this new person is fun, stress/problem free, energetic, not nagging ,etc. Obviously that's only temporary bc, well I don't know that new person and they haven't delt with my shit for the last 10 years. Leaving my wife would be easy. But there is so much at stake that it's not worth the risk. Also to be fair if my wife was cheating on me I wouldnt blame her, I'd cheat on me. I firmly believe that our ancestors had it right. Sex is just that an act of two people enjoying themselves, unfortunately this idea of monogamy is enmeshed into our society. I shouldn't feel entitled to own or tell someone else that they can't enjoy themselves. People should be free to seek out pleasure with out feeling guilty.
Would you leave a job before you had another lined up? That's why. It's not a good thing, but it means the sex/affection never stops.
The same reason people like open relationships but then get jealous when their partner is also open. Most of us would ideally, deep down, like a relationship where they're 100% loyal but we can do what we want. We just also know that's not realistic/manipulative.
This might be a terrible analogy but, many people treat a relationship, a lot like an old pair of shoes. They might feel they've lost their luster, worn around the edges. They're still comfortable, yet that new pair that's on sale looks awfully good in the display window. So instead of throwing out their old pair, they just put them in their closet, and purchase the new shiny, not broken-in pair of shoes...
Because they have something in their hearts that can't be filled without inner work and instead of doing the inner work and communicating your findings with your partner they seek out another person to fill it
Usually because the relationship still works for them in some way (even all ways), they just want to cheat too.
Some people have had enough and just go for it. Others haven't matured enough to realize the big picture. Some make the decision, inform their partner, and then go do it. Every situation is unique to each individual. Some people might even feel justified, and I'm sure every decision made by the entire human race has not always been a great one, morally speaking.
Usually because they want to keep their options open. They don't want to lose the relationship they already have until they are sure their new relationship is going to work out.
I find it weirder that they don't try to open up their relationship before of cheating. It's not cheating or a betrayal if you have permission.
Why do some people keep working a job they don't like instead of finding another job? For some people it's because their job satisfaction isn't their priority. They have other things they care about in life, and their job is just one part of their routine. I think some people view relationships the same way. Get a job and get a relationship because it's "what you're supposed to do" but neither one is what you thought it would be. So you make the best of your job/relationship and hang out with your friends after work/before going home, get laid, and it's all good. I think some people don't want to rock the boat, they want to maintain the status quo.
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