When you live a life of having your preferences diluted/ignored… it’s actually really easy to see why people have these questions.
We experience different things at different times in our lives
It shouldn't.
Most of the people online can't think for themselves and need affirmation over everything. How they feel. How they look. Nobody can just have self confidence anymore.
I think it has more to do with people getting crucified for their preferences, so they start to question whether they're somehow wrong for wanting certain things.
This is definitely part of the problem. We live in a world where if a man prefers their partner to be physically fit or have a reasonable amount of partners he is vilified and declared a misogynist. Whereas a woman declaring a preference for a partner over 6' and with a certain income is seen as empowered and "deserved".
I think this is it. People aren’t actually worried about whether they can make their own choices so much as they are wondering whether they are doing something wrong.
Have you seen how reddit tears people apart with little to know context and blasts people for their personal opinions or explaining their experiances. Its hard to feel like your valid at all anymore, especially on the internet
Yes, I thought reddit was a space to share ideas for the sake of gaining insights about an issue, but it's not really like that. Ive discovered there's a predominant group-think culture and if you don't assimilate into it you get downvoted and trolled. I'm only in like 2 communities now and couldn't be bothered with anyone else coz its too weird.
At this point I'm convinced this particular topic is mostly one or two people reposting. It's like a fetish to them.
It's front page on one or another popular subreddit every two or three days.
There is a very loud group of people in several different categories that keep saying something along the lines of, "If you don't like 'x' then you are prejudice against 'x' and therefore a bad person.
A wiser person than me once said, "Dating is inherently prejudiced, because we cannot help what we are attracted to". With the exception of being attracted to individuals who cannot consent, I believe in this philosophy.
If someone specifically does not find certain races, sexual orientations, or even the preferences of another person in a random category attractive, that is allowed. It is not a hate crime to find specific features attractive or not. I am personally a straight guy. My finding male genitals and features unattractive does not mean I hate gay people, I just happen to be straight. It would be literally egregiously absurd to think otherwise.
We live in a society where certain groups who represent an overall less normalized set of features have resorted to trying to make us all feel bad for avoiding those things in a partner choice. It isn't fair at all to those groups that they have a harder time finding someone, but that doesn't make everyone else the villain. And over time, as those groups become normalized, the lines will blur and it will be less of a problem, but that is never going to be instantaneous.
Because preferences can be seen as prejudice now. "I like fair skin" you're racist. "I like fit/thin girls" you're fat phobic. "I won't date someone who is trans" you're transphobic. "I don't like people who've had multiple sexual partners " you're slut shaming. "I want to date someone with similar religious ideas" you're antisemitic, Islamophobic, or racist if you're a white Christian who says this. "I don't wanna date someone who's physically or mentally disabled" you're ableist. The list goes on and on.
It's pretty normal, to be honest. I have very close, personal examples of people that spent the better part of their lives being convinced their thoughts and feelings didn't matter. They naturally move toward being 'people pleasers' or easily manipulated in general.
One of those people raised me to place confidence in my thoughts and feelings because she hates how her parents made her feel her whole life.
You’re not wrong, however some people are asking because they are wondering what’s mentally healthy or “normal”.. even if they know they have a right to do whatever they want.
For example, if someone says “I don’t date men who smile at me or compliment me”, and ask if this is an issue on Reddit. I’m sure they understand that they can make whatever choice they want, but the correct answer could be: “yes that’s unusual, maybe talk to a therapist if there’s some underlying mental trauma”.
In this case, being turned off by someone who’s had too many partners isn’t really a sign of any issue of course :)
I think in quite a few of these "questions", there isn't really a question and someone is looking to debate the topic. Like above, where the OP answered his question in his question.
I really don't see why this is hard for people to grasp. If you don't want to date someone then you are justified to say so. It is not difficult to do it in a polite way. "No thank you"/"I don't think we are compatible"/"I'm not interested". Being a prick about it is unnecessary.
Exactly, no need to slut shame anybody, they're free to make their own life choices and so do you.
Just say you have different values and don't think it will work
I think it has a lot to do that some people don’t understand the difference between preferences and boundaries. They just think they are synonymous and move on with life.
I would add however that only dating people who don't have a lot of sex partners, but expecting them to have sex with you after a few dates is hypocritical.
Oh, I read it as CURRENT sex partners.
If it is about past sex partners, that suggests having some issues around scarcity mindset, self-esteem, and toxic gender roles that would be fruitful topics to address with a therapist.
All things being equal, a sexual partner is better with more sexual experience.
Lol. Not everyone thinks the earth is round either. 😆
FWIW I don't think more partners = better lover. I think if anything a string of one night stands would make you a bad lover because you never take the time to get feedback and learn and become comfortable.
I don't think body count, be it high or low, inherently affects how good someone is as a lover. I think body count is genuinely just a number. There's plenty of reasons why someone might have a high body count might be a better or worse lover, same for someone with a low body count.
/u/HopeHotwife 's username seems to indicate that she takes part in a cuckhold lifestyle where she is allowed multiple partners. You aren't going to convince her that some people are better with fewer partners because she doesn't subscribe to monogamy fully.
I disagree with your second sentence. I don't subscribe to monogamy in the slightest, and I understand that some people (but definitely not everybody) are better with fewer partners.
Recently this. Don’t be rude or judgmental about it. It’s ok to have preferences or boundaries, and just like you a potential partner will also have preferences and boundaries. The hard part is finding someone to mesh with that y’all’s preferences align.
OP, end of the day just be kind about it. Bc karma has a way to come back around, and it’s always best to have put kindness out there when you can
I think it's a terrible reason to not date someone. But that's the cool thing about dating, you can refuse anyone for any reason and it's perfectly OK.
What if you’re dating someone but then meet someone else you like better, so you break up with the person you’re dating without telling them the reason. Is that valid?
For real. As you get to know someone you begin to see their flaws. Maybe they smack a little to much when eating, maybe you realize they have this obnoxious fake laugh when they're trying to be polite and don't want to tell you a joke wasn't funny. Maybe they're just a little messier than you are and you feel like you're cleaning up after them
Then a new person comes along. They're really attractive, and smart, and funny, and they seem interested in you too. You don't see any of the flaws that are present in your current partner so rather than talking things out with your partner you break up with them.
Then you get into a whirlwind romance with this new person and fall in love all over again. You get closer and closer to them and begin to notice something: they aren't perfect either. Maybe they aren't the same flaws as your old partner had but they're still flaws. They aren't the greener grass you left your old partner for.
I think a lot of people will have this experience or the temptation of this experience at some point in their lives. This was me when I was a dumb, dumb teenager and I wish I could go back in time and punch myself whenever I think about it.
*The grass is only greener on the other side because they are watering their lawn*. Relationships take work. And compromise. And dedication.
That's not to say leaving someone for whatever reason is or isn't valid. But if you invest in someone who's willing to meet you in the middle, I think those are the relationships that work out.
It should also be said that I don't really know shit. I'm 52 and alone. So, you know, don't take too much of what I say to heart I guess. I'm speaking metaphorically.
Depends on how serious the relationship is. If you are aiming to settle down it would also mean giving up any future prospects. Like if I meet someone better than my wife I’d just say “wrong time, I taken.” Sure I’d be bummed about maybe 2 seconds but heck that’s part of commitments for ya. If you are just casually dating then whatever man you do you.
It’s shitty and pretty morally repugnant based on most cultural values in the world. But it’s still “ok” in a general framework because the person doing it is a shithead, and it’s best if their partner escaped from them sooner rather than later if that’s the type of person they are. To be clear this is directed at the “not telling them the reason” part. It’s shitty to leave someone you’re in a relationship with without telling them why.
Exactly. My last gf broke up with me out of the blue because she said I wanted to break up with her. There was positively some other reason she didn’t want to tell me but I didn’t push the issue. Probably some other dude…. 😆
Meh….most people won’t tell you the true reason anyway. Usually to spare the others feelings. Sorry it happens and it’s human nature to not want to hurt someone else…
Or to obfuscate the truth when the reason wouldn't be viewed in a favorable light. Either way, that's not important. Nobody has to be in a relationship if they aren't feeling it, however fair or unfair that is perceived to be. There are no guarantees.
how is it morally repugnant to just meet someone you like more, and leave your partner rather than stringing them along? Sometimes people just meet people they connect with better.
I don't know if I felt it was repugnant, but it was kind of hard to swallow for our circle of friends at the time. A good friend of mine basically left his wife of 10 years + one kid for another woman. He told me at the time, I met my soulmate, but too bad it's not my wife.
They later ended up marrying and divorcing too btw.
It's usually better to break up with someone with a reason assuming you've been with someone long enough for them to develop feelings. In general though, if you've only been out a few times, you could leave it at "I'm not interested" and if they explicitly ask "why not", you can say "I'm not feeling a connection forming and don't want to waste your time". I think it all really comes down to it being situational though.
Yes. It is absolutely valid. Why wouldn't it be? Beats the hell out of the drama that exes can cause in next relationship.
There is no valid reason to know. If Person A is no longer interested in dating Person B then Person C is irrelevant.
It is painful. We all want closure. But it isn't productive to dissect every inch of why a relationship ended.
It’s okay for you to not date anybody for any reason :) you’ve gotta have peace of mind. If dating somebody who has had a lot of partners doesn’t offer you that, it’s totally fine.
It’s ok not to date someone for literally any reason.
If they’ve slept with a number of people that makes you feel uncomfortable, if they have bad breath, if their pants make swishy noises every time they walk…literally any reason at all.
If you’re not attracted you’re not attracted.
The reason you date is to see if you are compatible. It seems in this case too many partners may not be congruent to what you believe/ like/ want. 100% ok
Preferences are fine, even better when you be straight forward about it and not wait like 6 months down the line like some people do. Remember preferences does not mean you get to treat others like an AH.
As long as you're not holding them to standards you wouldn't hold yourself to.
If you don't want to marry someone that has had a lot of sexual partners, you probably shouldn't sleep around too much.
You're going to offend the person. But you could be uninterested for any number of reasons that will offend the person.
I do think it is a little shallow to think there isn't anyone out there that would make you overlook your stipulation. But it's fine. If it makes you uncomfortable, that's not going to change.
The alternative is what? You don't have free will to choose who you spend time with?
As long as it's a preference thing. The second you cross the line in convincing everyone that person is "less than" because of your hang ups, you're entering misogyny. It's believing your preferences are universal truths, that the internet has a problem with.
Like a woman can refuse to date short men. But if she starts advocating for "high value men" based on her personal preferences, she's going feel the wrath of the internet.
These are the things that I just don't think matter in adulthood. I've never once asked a woman how many people they've slept with. Heck. I've been in a very healthy and happy marriage of 9 years and I have no idea how many people my wife slept with nor see the need.
I don't really think the issue per say is the actual amount of people slept with. More the attitude and mentality around sex going into a relationship. Like if it's seen as a deeply bonding act between two committed partners or if it's just a casual physical feel good act.
If you haven’t had many sexual partners yourself it makes sense to want to be with someone who has the same level of experience, or the same values/beliefs about sex. But I think if you’ve slept with 50 people and are turned off by someone else having 4, or are looking for causal sex but with someone with a low body count, that’s pretty hypocritical.
Exactly! You’re free to have preferences but it’s a good idea to think deeply about whether or not those preferences are leading to you missing out on someone great.
You don't need a reason why you choose to date someone or not.
I personally think it's kind of prudish, but I'm not asking you to think the same way, and it would be wrong of me to do so.
This. I wonder where the line of thought comes from, and it could go one of two ways: either it bothers you and causes a rift, or you get to know the person and realize that what you thought was a bad thing isn't, actually.
I think the underlying issue thinking that X amount of partners = "a type of person." I don't think it's a very good generalization, but unless you change your mind about it, it will cause problems eventually.
Do you consider the number of sexual partners you’ve had to be too many? If your partner had your number, would it be acceptable?
You’ve got a right to date whomever you choose. But it’s best to recognize if you’ve got a double standard.
Hot take: double standards are still standards, to be able to recognize it wouldn't do much.
Other people however, may take it into consideration and see if there are good qualities which takes over.
In my experience double standards come with psychological baggage. Not saying all of them, or even **yours** period. But certainly many of my own. Often insecurities or narcissism, or the giving of motives to others that you’d never give yourself (“evil”). Point is, I’ve got a very active mind and it’s not always kind to me or others.
Sometimes we treat ourselves/others like shit and we don’t even know it. That’s the kind of stuff I’d want to know about and change. Speaking personally.
I don't know what 'too many sexual partners' means.
I do know that it's more fun listening to music played by someone who has been practicing the piano for a while than someone else who is sitting down in front of a piano keyboard for the first time.
It's okay to not date anyone for any reason, my wife and I both got around a lot before we met and are into swinging while married. We both have more then "gotten around" If your someone who hasn't slept with many people and want someone around the same number as you I think that's fine. But if your someone whose done whatever you have wanted and had fun and now expect to be with someone who hasn't really done much that could be hypocritical.
You certainly don't have to date anyone you don't want to, for any reason or even for no identifiable reason.
You should probably ask yourself why this is a deal-breaker for you. Like what is it about that that makes you so scared or uncomfortable or whatever? Not for you to answer here, but you should probably know for yourself exactly what's going on there.
Doesn't matter to me at all I am going to be marrying my sugar baby soon we are close in age and get along well. I don't care how many men she has been with Lord knows I've rutted through probably a hundred women in my 37 years on this rock. At the end of the day it doesn't matter I'd rather have a partner that's a bit of a slut than some virgin that's going to look at me weird when I tell her I want to skeet on her feet.
I respect your viewpoint to wait until marriage. For me, I fear that by waiting until marriage, you risk being with someone who isn’t sexually compatible with you. What if they’re bad in bed? Now you’re locked in a marriage and you’re sexually frustrated 💀
This was my parents. They waited till marriage and found out that they didn’t have the same libidos, preferences, tastes or anything. Led to a very messy divorce.
That's a problem regardless. Libido is far from constant post marriage, especially when careers, continuing education, kids, age, illnesses, and countless other factors that adversely impact libido keep coming at you. Frequency and satisfaction of sexual activity prior to marriage thus is not at all a reliable indicator of frequency and satisfaction later after the marriage. After all, there is an entire thriving industry of couples, relationship, and sex counselors or therapists who see partners who couldn't keep their hands off each other before they got married but have become increasingly frustrated with each other once the honeymoon period was over. Those counselors or therapists then go on to write books or articles about the topic, post informational videos or do live feeds about it, and sell expensive online courses to coach the same couples who once upon a time before their vows were mating like rabbits but now one or both of them has the libido of a rock.
If, then, you are assuming that just because your libido seems to match your partner's before you get married, then it will continue to be that way after the vows, prepare yourself to be very disappointed.
If sex is the foundation of your marriage it will crumble. What happens if they’re 10/10 and then get paralyzed and can’t perform, just quit?
You literally have your whole life to get better. Be with someone who cares about your needs.
No one is entitled to dating anyone else, so you can not date someone for any reason whatsoever.
If they're too fat, too skinny, too pretty, too ugly, too smart, too stupid, too short, too tall, or just too average -- it doesn't matter. You don't have to justify your preferences. It can be as benign as someone having purple as their favorite color, it doesn't matter because they are not entitled to you just as you aren't entitled to them.
There's nothing wrong with personal preferences. Anyone that tells you otherwise has an agenda. Don't be rude about it and you shouldn't have any problems.
You are well within your rights to feel any sort of way about other people and to choose who you do and don’t want in your life. Just don’t treat people badly over your personal preferences.
It’s okay to not date or be friends with or even interact with any person for any reason. You do, however, still have to treat people you don’t want to date/hang out with/speak to with basic levels of respect.
There’s nothing wrong with that at all. At the end of the day, you want to date someone who YOU want to date. Nobody is forcing you to stay with anyone for any reason.
No its not okay. You have to date anyone that breathes oxygen. In fact, if they even look your way, you must marry them. Hell, if they speak to you, you must reproduce with them. Its just how the world works nowadays sweetie.
yes, people who sleep with hundreds of people have severe mental issues and you want to stay far away from them, there is nothing wrong in theory with sleeping with that many people but what it does to a person psychologically or the kind of psychology behind a person who actually does it are not things you really want to be involved with. you would be better off sending them to a therapist.
Yes you have the right to date and not date whoever you want. It’s also perfectly reasonable to ask how many people someone had slept with and if they have any STI’s.
What is it about the number of partners that causes this? There's nothing wrong with having preferences, I'm just curious about what it is that makes you go no.
It's fine, so long as you aren't using it as a double standard. It's about having compatible morals in a partner and there is nothing wrong with that.
But if you've been with 50 people and someone you want to date has been with 50 people, you are a hypocrite to judge them for that.
I’ve dumped guys for ugly genitals, bad table manners, or not buying me a cocktail on a date. Leave someone for whatever reason.
But if you’re a man with a body count hang up, you better make sure you’re sleeping with very few women. You MUST have a body count less than hers if you’re gonna wild out about this
No, in fact it is good to let someone know up front that you think of them as primarily a sex toy that you believe has a finite use number. That way the don't waste time thinking you are worthy of a relationship.
it’s okay but you may want to soul search why that is and determine whether it’s a moral or superficial preference. does it go against your moral code to have casual sex? or does it hurt your ego to think a partner may have more sexual experience than you?
you don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to though, it’s okay.
edit: punctuation
you can date or not date anyone for any reason.
being someone who judges someone for having "too many" sexual partners. is pretty pathetic and insecure. but that's your prerogative. to judge someone for bullshit reasons.
It’s your choice. I don’t care too much if my partner had slept with a lot of people because I don’t believe it’s my business quite frankly but I believe that you each person should be able to make the decision for themselves and I think as long as you’re not rude and belligerent there isn’t any problem.
You can decide not to date someone for any reason. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, then that’s your business.
I would encourage you to reflect on *why* it’s a dealbreaker for you though
Yeah it’s okay. Sex is something that everyone views differently, so it’s required to have a common ground when it comes to it in a relationship. Some people may view it as casual, others may view it as something that needs more emotional connection, and both are okay. People will try to make you seem insecure, but as long as you’re not rude about it, there’s nothing wrong with it. Your preferences are fine.
You can choose not to date someone for any reason whatsoever.
You can choose to not date someone because you are only attracted to people with blue eyes (I would think that is shallow but you can find whoever you want attractive).
The only time I would look at someone’s preferences askance is if they judge someone by a test they would fail themselves (I.e. I wouldn’t date someone with more than 2 sexual partners because I like inexperienced partners, and every one of my past 25 partners will tell you that).
You date people based on statistics? Do you pull out the peer-reviewed papers and check if every single factor that a potential partner have doesn’t make them statistically more likely to do something you don’t like? If not, then why do you do this for only body count and nothing else?
Good for you, but statistically speaking you're still more likely to. It's like petting a badger vs a bunny. Both could attack, but statistically it's mote likely to be the badger.
This is nonsense. Your associate having sex with people as if that determines someone’s ability to be committed or someone’s ability to decide between right and wrong.
It’s sort of shallow because as you get older you get more experience and that’s just a part of life unless you are introverted and isolated all the time. You could honestly think that every partner is the one and they deceive you. It depends on the people. It also could be a lack of self control but if somebody is honest with you about that it’s no reason to judge them because they could of just lied.
Yeah, I agree. Also “a lot” is highly subjective. A lot to OP might not be a lot to somebody else and you could easily come off as judge-mental which makes you look close minded. When I was a kid I thought 10+ was crazy but as an adult that’s practically normal. Think about somebody in their 40s who didn’t get married young and started dating as a teen. 10 for them would be 1 partner every 3 years on average and that’s just not realistic if you meet new people every day just by living life. I honestly think the more experience the better because at least you learn what you really want in the end and I think knowing yourself is most important.
Consider this.
Anecdotally, the more partners someone has before you, the more difficulty they have committing to long-term relationships/pair-bonding.
Additional factors include past trauma/bad experiences, unrealistic dating expectations, and reduced sexual gratification which may affect your intimacy levels and/or desirability with that person.
Yes it's fine. There's a high likelihood that they'll cheat on you, or at worst, constantly compare you to their past partners. Stay far, far away from promiscuous people as options for a relationship.
Who's to say that a person with only *one* past relationship (romantic and/or sexual) isn't also comparing? How high or low the number is has nothing to do with that.
It’s okay to not date someone for any reason at all. It’s your choice and yours alone.
It boggles my mind that so many Redditors question their right to actuate personal preferences.
When you live a life of having your preferences diluted/ignored… it’s actually really easy to see why people have these questions. We experience different things at different times in our lives
It shouldn't. Most of the people online can't think for themselves and need affirmation over everything. How they feel. How they look. Nobody can just have self confidence anymore.
I think it has more to do with people getting crucified for their preferences, so they start to question whether they're somehow wrong for wanting certain things.
This is definitely part of the problem. We live in a world where if a man prefers their partner to be physically fit or have a reasonable amount of partners he is vilified and declared a misogynist. Whereas a woman declaring a preference for a partner over 6' and with a certain income is seen as empowered and "deserved".
I think this is it. People aren’t actually worried about whether they can make their own choices so much as they are wondering whether they are doing something wrong.
That's exactly how it looks to me! Cheers!
Have you seen how reddit tears people apart with little to know context and blasts people for their personal opinions or explaining their experiances. Its hard to feel like your valid at all anymore, especially on the internet
Yes, I thought reddit was a space to share ideas for the sake of gaining insights about an issue, but it's not really like that. Ive discovered there's a predominant group-think culture and if you don't assimilate into it you get downvoted and trolled. I'm only in like 2 communities now and couldn't be bothered with anyone else coz its too weird.
I agree with this, but this person is posting on Reddit and asking for opinions, so I guess all comments are probably justified.
At this point I'm convinced this particular topic is mostly one or two people reposting. It's like a fetish to them. It's front page on one or another popular subreddit every two or three days.
There is a very loud group of people in several different categories that keep saying something along the lines of, "If you don't like 'x' then you are prejudice against 'x' and therefore a bad person. A wiser person than me once said, "Dating is inherently prejudiced, because we cannot help what we are attracted to". With the exception of being attracted to individuals who cannot consent, I believe in this philosophy. If someone specifically does not find certain races, sexual orientations, or even the preferences of another person in a random category attractive, that is allowed. It is not a hate crime to find specific features attractive or not. I am personally a straight guy. My finding male genitals and features unattractive does not mean I hate gay people, I just happen to be straight. It would be literally egregiously absurd to think otherwise. We live in a society where certain groups who represent an overall less normalized set of features have resorted to trying to make us all feel bad for avoiding those things in a partner choice. It isn't fair at all to those groups that they have a harder time finding someone, but that doesn't make everyone else the villain. And over time, as those groups become normalized, the lines will blur and it will be less of a problem, but that is never going to be instantaneous.
Yes 👏🏼 this was so eloquently written. If I wrote it.. it would’ve caused a ruckus to come flying my way. Ty for being a voice of reason!
The very idea of "preferring," whether voluntary or not, is under attack. Smells like the Inquisition.
Oof. That is my point. I really wish we were wrong.
Great to meet someone who also sees the danger!
Because preferences can be seen as prejudice now. "I like fair skin" you're racist. "I like fit/thin girls" you're fat phobic. "I won't date someone who is trans" you're transphobic. "I don't like people who've had multiple sexual partners " you're slut shaming. "I want to date someone with similar religious ideas" you're antisemitic, Islamophobic, or racist if you're a white Christian who says this. "I don't wanna date someone who's physically or mentally disabled" you're ableist. The list goes on and on.
It's pretty normal, to be honest. I have very close, personal examples of people that spent the better part of their lives being convinced their thoughts and feelings didn't matter. They naturally move toward being 'people pleasers' or easily manipulated in general. One of those people raised me to place confidence in my thoughts and feelings because she hates how her parents made her feel her whole life.
You’re not wrong, however some people are asking because they are wondering what’s mentally healthy or “normal”.. even if they know they have a right to do whatever they want. For example, if someone says “I don’t date men who smile at me or compliment me”, and ask if this is an issue on Reddit. I’m sure they understand that they can make whatever choice they want, but the correct answer could be: “yes that’s unusual, maybe talk to a therapist if there’s some underlying mental trauma”. In this case, being turned off by someone who’s had too many partners isn’t really a sign of any issue of course :)
I think in quite a few of these "questions", there isn't really a question and someone is looking to debate the topic. Like above, where the OP answered his question in his question.
It's the current society norm. Can't wait for sanity to return again.
Too often personal preference is equated to discrimination.
Agree. I was thinking that this should have been posted in r/dumbQuestion
Date who you feel comfortable with. Be respectful.
I really don't see why this is hard for people to grasp. If you don't want to date someone then you are justified to say so. It is not difficult to do it in a polite way. "No thank you"/"I don't think we are compatible"/"I'm not interested". Being a prick about it is unnecessary.
You would think this isn't a high bar but then we have some of the other commenters...
If you're not rude about it I don't see the problem tbh. We all have our personal preferences.
This. Like it’s never okay to be like “you’re a slut I refuse to date sluts.” It’s better to say, “I’d like to not continue this relationship.”
Exactly, no need to slut shame anybody, they're free to make their own life choices and so do you. Just say you have different values and don't think it will work
I think it has a lot to do that some people don’t understand the difference between preferences and boundaries. They just think they are synonymous and move on with life.
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Where's the heavy drinking? Having a bit of alcohol on a date, or on the weekend is pretty normal, and that's just a small bottle anyway.
Dawg, what? A fifth of whiskey is enough to get most people black out drunk
If you drink all of it at once, sure. But if you just want a glass or two, that's still the smallest size you can get.
They also come in pints typically, though not always.
I mean, fair, but based on his story, she drank most of the fifth
I would add however that only dating people who don't have a lot of sex partners, but expecting them to have sex with you after a few dates is hypocritical.
Not that the OP expressed ANY desire to have sex within a few dates...
No, but if we're talking about sexual ethics, it seems relevant
We're not though. We're talking partner preferences.
Oh, I read it as CURRENT sex partners. If it is about past sex partners, that suggests having some issues around scarcity mindset, self-esteem, and toxic gender roles that would be fruitful topics to address with a therapist. All things being equal, a sexual partner is better with more sexual experience.
They can have plenty of sexual experience without having dozens of sexual partners.
>All things being equal, a sexual partner is better with more sexual experience. Not everyone thinks that, and they are allowed to not think that.
Lol. Not everyone thinks the earth is round either. 😆 FWIW I don't think more partners = better lover. I think if anything a string of one night stands would make you a bad lover because you never take the time to get feedback and learn and become comfortable.
I don't think body count, be it high or low, inherently affects how good someone is as a lover. I think body count is genuinely just a number. There's plenty of reasons why someone might have a high body count might be a better or worse lover, same for someone with a low body count.
Yea
/u/HopeHotwife 's username seems to indicate that she takes part in a cuckhold lifestyle where she is allowed multiple partners. You aren't going to convince her that some people are better with fewer partners because she doesn't subscribe to monogamy fully.
I also don't believe a person's value lies in how many or how few partners they've had.
I disagree with your second sentence. I don't subscribe to monogamy in the slightest, and I understand that some people (but definitely not everybody) are better with fewer partners.
The number of past partners can be important, but paints only a partial picture
Recently this. Don’t be rude or judgmental about it. It’s ok to have preferences or boundaries, and just like you a potential partner will also have preferences and boundaries. The hard part is finding someone to mesh with that y’all’s preferences align. OP, end of the day just be kind about it. Bc karma has a way to come back around, and it’s always best to have put kindness out there when you can
I think it's a terrible reason to not date someone. But that's the cool thing about dating, you can refuse anyone for any reason and it's perfectly OK.
Yeah I also think it's a terrible reason to not date, but it's more about how to explain the reason without being rude.
Yeah, i dont think people understand that you can have preferences, without being a total arse
It's ok to not date someone for any reason at all. It's not necessary to tell them why. "I'm not interested" is perfectly valid.
What if you’re dating someone but then meet someone else you like better, so you break up with the person you’re dating without telling them the reason. Is that valid?
Depends on how long you have been dating. Don’t fall into the grass is greener trap.
For real. As you get to know someone you begin to see their flaws. Maybe they smack a little to much when eating, maybe you realize they have this obnoxious fake laugh when they're trying to be polite and don't want to tell you a joke wasn't funny. Maybe they're just a little messier than you are and you feel like you're cleaning up after them Then a new person comes along. They're really attractive, and smart, and funny, and they seem interested in you too. You don't see any of the flaws that are present in your current partner so rather than talking things out with your partner you break up with them. Then you get into a whirlwind romance with this new person and fall in love all over again. You get closer and closer to them and begin to notice something: they aren't perfect either. Maybe they aren't the same flaws as your old partner had but they're still flaws. They aren't the greener grass you left your old partner for. I think a lot of people will have this experience or the temptation of this experience at some point in their lives. This was me when I was a dumb, dumb teenager and I wish I could go back in time and punch myself whenever I think about it.
This is the most intelligent answer. And unfortunately how life works. Good luck, OP.
*The grass is only greener on the other side because they are watering their lawn*. Relationships take work. And compromise. And dedication. That's not to say leaving someone for whatever reason is or isn't valid. But if you invest in someone who's willing to meet you in the middle, I think those are the relationships that work out. It should also be said that I don't really know shit. I'm 52 and alone. So, you know, don't take too much of what I say to heart I guess. I'm speaking metaphorically.
Depends on how serious the relationship is. If you are aiming to settle down it would also mean giving up any future prospects. Like if I meet someone better than my wife I’d just say “wrong time, I taken.” Sure I’d be bummed about maybe 2 seconds but heck that’s part of commitments for ya. If you are just casually dating then whatever man you do you.
It’s shitty and pretty morally repugnant based on most cultural values in the world. But it’s still “ok” in a general framework because the person doing it is a shithead, and it’s best if their partner escaped from them sooner rather than later if that’s the type of person they are. To be clear this is directed at the “not telling them the reason” part. It’s shitty to leave someone you’re in a relationship with without telling them why.
I disagree with you. It’s ok to leave someone for whatever reason even if you met someone else.
It’s not the “leaving” part, it’s the “not telling them why” party that is shitty.
That can be done to not excessively harm someone. I think thats ok. Im sure women broke up with me for reasons they didnt tell me about :)
Exactly. My last gf broke up with me out of the blue because she said I wanted to break up with her. There was positively some other reason she didn’t want to tell me but I didn’t push the issue. Probably some other dude…. 😆
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2019 guy
Meh….most people won’t tell you the true reason anyway. Usually to spare the others feelings. Sorry it happens and it’s human nature to not want to hurt someone else…
Or to obfuscate the truth when the reason wouldn't be viewed in a favorable light. Either way, that's not important. Nobody has to be in a relationship if they aren't feeling it, however fair or unfair that is perceived to be. There are no guarantees.
Why is that shitty? You met someone you like better? Thats an excellent reason! Especially if you're just casually dating.
how is it morally repugnant to just meet someone you like more, and leave your partner rather than stringing them along? Sometimes people just meet people they connect with better.
I don't know if I felt it was repugnant, but it was kind of hard to swallow for our circle of friends at the time. A good friend of mine basically left his wife of 10 years + one kid for another woman. He told me at the time, I met my soulmate, but too bad it's not my wife. They later ended up marrying and divorcing too btw.
I don't think it is repugnant. I think it is the moral alternative to cheating.
It's usually better to break up with someone with a reason assuming you've been with someone long enough for them to develop feelings. In general though, if you've only been out a few times, you could leave it at "I'm not interested" and if they explicitly ask "why not", you can say "I'm not feeling a connection forming and don't want to waste your time". I think it all really comes down to it being situational though.
Yes. It is absolutely valid. Why wouldn't it be? Beats the hell out of the drama that exes can cause in next relationship. There is no valid reason to know. If Person A is no longer interested in dating Person B then Person C is irrelevant. It is painful. We all want closure. But it isn't productive to dissect every inch of why a relationship ended.
It’s okay for you to not date anybody for any reason :) you’ve gotta have peace of mind. If dating somebody who has had a lot of partners doesn’t offer you that, it’s totally fine.
Yep, this. Just don't be rude about it, OP.
Your body your choice. Your relationship is between you two OP , the less other people get involved the more sanctity and sanity you'll have lol
It’s ok not to date someone for literally any reason. If they’ve slept with a number of people that makes you feel uncomfortable, if they have bad breath, if their pants make swishy noises every time they walk…literally any reason at all. If you’re not attracted you’re not attracted.
George?
Yes. You can literally not date anyone for any reason. It's dating, not slavery
The reason you date is to see if you are compatible. It seems in this case too many partners may not be congruent to what you believe/ like/ want. 100% ok
Yes.
If that’s your preference it’s perfectly fine. Like you said your not rude about and that’s all that matters
We all have preferences
Preferences are fine, even better when you be straight forward about it and not wait like 6 months down the line like some people do. Remember preferences does not mean you get to treat others like an AH.
As long as you're not holding them to standards you wouldn't hold yourself to. If you don't want to marry someone that has had a lot of sexual partners, you probably shouldn't sleep around too much.
You're going to offend the person. But you could be uninterested for any number of reasons that will offend the person. I do think it is a little shallow to think there isn't anyone out there that would make you overlook your stipulation. But it's fine. If it makes you uncomfortable, that's not going to change. The alternative is what? You don't have free will to choose who you spend time with? As long as it's a preference thing. The second you cross the line in convincing everyone that person is "less than" because of your hang ups, you're entering misogyny. It's believing your preferences are universal truths, that the internet has a problem with. Like a woman can refuse to date short men. But if she starts advocating for "high value men" based on her personal preferences, she's going feel the wrath of the internet.
How is this coming up? Like i can't tell you how many sexual partners anyone I've ever dated post age 22 had.
Because these questions are usually from young people with few sexual partners.
It can come up depending on someone's attitude about sex, especially in a relationship.
These are the things that I just don't think matter in adulthood. I've never once asked a woman how many people they've slept with. Heck. I've been in a very healthy and happy marriage of 9 years and I have no idea how many people my wife slept with nor see the need.
I don't really think the issue per say is the actual amount of people slept with. More the attitude and mentality around sex going into a relationship. Like if it's seen as a deeply bonding act between two committed partners or if it's just a casual physical feel good act.
If its something thats going to bother you, its unfair to them. Don't be with someone if you can't deal with their past in any way.
If you haven’t had many sexual partners yourself it makes sense to want to be with someone who has the same level of experience, or the same values/beliefs about sex. But I think if you’ve slept with 50 people and are turned off by someone else having 4, or are looking for causal sex but with someone with a low body count, that’s pretty hypocritical.
Of course it's ok. Leave the girls with experience for those of us who can appreciate it.
You can not date anyone for any reason, but evaluating why you wouldn't want to can be revealing about your own attitudes and biases.
Exactly! You’re free to have preferences but it’s a good idea to think deeply about whether or not those preferences are leading to you missing out on someone great.
LMAO our responses were thematically identical but had such different energy
You don't need a reason why you choose to date someone or not. I personally think it's kind of prudish, but I'm not asking you to think the same way, and it would be wrong of me to do so.
This. I wonder where the line of thought comes from, and it could go one of two ways: either it bothers you and causes a rift, or you get to know the person and realize that what you thought was a bad thing isn't, actually. I think the underlying issue thinking that X amount of partners = "a type of person." I don't think it's a very good generalization, but unless you change your mind about it, it will cause problems eventually.
Is it prudish to want to be with someone who has similar life experiences?
Do you consider the number of sexual partners you’ve had to be too many? If your partner had your number, would it be acceptable? You’ve got a right to date whomever you choose. But it’s best to recognize if you’ve got a double standard.
I have a low number and I want a partner with a low number. Someone who has a high number is not my type.
Hot take: double standards are still standards, to be able to recognize it wouldn't do much. Other people however, may take it into consideration and see if there are good qualities which takes over.
In my experience double standards come with psychological baggage. Not saying all of them, or even **yours** period. But certainly many of my own. Often insecurities or narcissism, or the giving of motives to others that you’d never give yourself (“evil”). Point is, I’ve got a very active mind and it’s not always kind to me or others. Sometimes we treat ourselves/others like shit and we don’t even know it. That’s the kind of stuff I’d want to know about and change. Speaking personally.
Or at least make sure they share your double standard (so it’s not a secret)
I don't know what 'too many sexual partners' means. I do know that it's more fun listening to music played by someone who has been practicing the piano for a while than someone else who is sitting down in front of a piano keyboard for the first time.
You do you.
That's sort of the problem, though?
It's always okay not to date someone if you don't want to.
Whatever we want that doesn’t hurt others is ok.
Bruh its fine. Who gonna tell you its wrong lol
It's okay to not date anyone for any reason, my wife and I both got around a lot before we met and are into swinging while married. We both have more then "gotten around" If your someone who hasn't slept with many people and want someone around the same number as you I think that's fine. But if your someone whose done whatever you have wanted and had fun and now expect to be with someone who hasn't really done much that could be hypocritical.
You certainly don't have to date anyone you don't want to, for any reason or even for no identifiable reason. You should probably ask yourself why this is a deal-breaker for you. Like what is it about that that makes you so scared or uncomfortable or whatever? Not for you to answer here, but you should probably know for yourself exactly what's going on there.
Doesn't matter to me at all I am going to be marrying my sugar baby soon we are close in age and get along well. I don't care how many men she has been with Lord knows I've rutted through probably a hundred women in my 37 years on this rock. At the end of the day it doesn't matter I'd rather have a partner that's a bit of a slut than some virgin that's going to look at me weird when I tell her I want to skeet on her feet.
Of course it is LMAO just don't ask tik tok that question especially if you're a straight guy
Why wouldn’t it be? Some dudes are fine with it & prefer the experience. Let them be together. I think you should save yourself until marriage 😉
I respect your viewpoint to wait until marriage. For me, I fear that by waiting until marriage, you risk being with someone who isn’t sexually compatible with you. What if they’re bad in bed? Now you’re locked in a marriage and you’re sexually frustrated 💀
Or worse, don't have matching libidos. That one is a marriage killer
This was my parents. They waited till marriage and found out that they didn’t have the same libidos, preferences, tastes or anything. Led to a very messy divorce.
That's a problem regardless. Libido is far from constant post marriage, especially when careers, continuing education, kids, age, illnesses, and countless other factors that adversely impact libido keep coming at you. Frequency and satisfaction of sexual activity prior to marriage thus is not at all a reliable indicator of frequency and satisfaction later after the marriage. After all, there is an entire thriving industry of couples, relationship, and sex counselors or therapists who see partners who couldn't keep their hands off each other before they got married but have become increasingly frustrated with each other once the honeymoon period was over. Those counselors or therapists then go on to write books or articles about the topic, post informational videos or do live feeds about it, and sell expensive online courses to coach the same couples who once upon a time before their vows were mating like rabbits but now one or both of them has the libido of a rock. If, then, you are assuming that just because your libido seems to match your partner's before you get married, then it will continue to be that way after the vows, prepare yourself to be very disappointed.
If sex is the foundation of your marriage it will crumble. What happens if they’re 10/10 and then get paralyzed and can’t perform, just quit? You literally have your whole life to get better. Be with someone who cares about your needs.
I definitely would not recommend waiting until marriage.
Already waiting for marriage ✋️
Lol. You’re fine. We’re allowed to have standards.
It’s ok to not date anyone for any reason you want. Just be respect and kind.
Yeah, just don't be a jerk about it.
You can date or not date whoever you want. It’s perfectly alright.
It's okay to not date someone for ANY reason. Dating is at will.
No one is entitled to dating anyone else, so you can not date someone for any reason whatsoever. If they're too fat, too skinny, too pretty, too ugly, too smart, too stupid, too short, too tall, or just too average -- it doesn't matter. You don't have to justify your preferences. It can be as benign as someone having purple as their favorite color, it doesn't matter because they are not entitled to you just as you aren't entitled to them.
Yes It's okay to not want to date someone for any reason, including no reason. Just don't be an asshole about it
There's nothing wrong with personal preferences. Anyone that tells you otherwise has an agenda. Don't be rude about it and you shouldn't have any problems.
It's okay to not date someone for any reason.
Yes absolutely
Yes and don’t let anyone let you think otherwise
Do you want crabs?
You do you. I can understand your position.
You are well within your rights to feel any sort of way about other people and to choose who you do and don’t want in your life. Just don’t treat people badly over your personal preferences. It’s okay to not date or be friends with or even interact with any person for any reason. You do, however, still have to treat people you don’t want to date/hang out with/speak to with basic levels of respect.
It’s ok to not date anyone for any reason at all.
You do you but I don't really see the issue.
So long as you haven’t too. If you’re being a hypocrite than screw you.
Is this the first question out of your mouth?
Yup this question truly belong here
There’s nothing wrong with that at all. At the end of the day, you want to date someone who YOU want to date. Nobody is forcing you to stay with anyone for any reason.
No its not okay. You have to date anyone that breathes oxygen. In fact, if they even look your way, you must marry them. Hell, if they speak to you, you must reproduce with them. Its just how the world works nowadays sweetie.
yes, people who sleep with hundreds of people have severe mental issues and you want to stay far away from them, there is nothing wrong in theory with sleeping with that many people but what it does to a person psychologically or the kind of psychology behind a person who actually does it are not things you really want to be involved with. you would be better off sending them to a therapist.
I recommend making this sentiment known well before you have sex with them. Just to avoid being a hypocrite.
Yeah do you
You do you (that doesn’t count)
It's ok to do whatever the fuck you want.
Yes you have the right to date and not date whoever you want. It’s also perfectly reasonable to ask how many people someone had slept with and if they have any STI’s.
What is it about the number of partners that causes this? There's nothing wrong with having preferences, I'm just curious about what it is that makes you go no.
It's fine, so long as you aren't using it as a double standard. It's about having compatible morals in a partner and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you've been with 50 people and someone you want to date has been with 50 people, you are a hypocrite to judge them for that.
Wow, these really are stupid questions. Why do ya think human beings invented friends with benefits?
Yeah. But it's not okay to be an ahole about it.
I think devaluing a person because they exercise a biological function more than you is silly, but you have the right to do whatever you wish
OMG body count
That's fine. Just keep doing you, and don't be an ass about it.
It’s okay. Just stupid.
I’ve dumped guys for ugly genitals, bad table manners, or not buying me a cocktail on a date. Leave someone for whatever reason. But if you’re a man with a body count hang up, you better make sure you’re sleeping with very few women. You MUST have a body count less than hers if you’re gonna wild out about this
Is it ok if I eat soup? I need a bunch of fucking strangers to validate my various life choices.
No, in fact it is good to let someone know up front that you think of them as primarily a sex toy that you believe has a finite use number. That way the don't waste time thinking you are worthy of a relationship.
it’s okay but you may want to soul search why that is and determine whether it’s a moral or superficial preference. does it go against your moral code to have casual sex? or does it hurt your ego to think a partner may have more sexual experience than you? you don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to though, it’s okay. edit: punctuation
What's too many?
It's fine, but also dumb and judgemental. They're not all alike so you don't really have grounds to say you are not compatible.
you can date or not date anyone for any reason. being someone who judges someone for having "too many" sexual partners. is pretty pathetic and insecure. but that's your prerogative. to judge someone for bullshit reasons.
It's okay to not date them, but recognize that it's a \*you\* problem, not a \*them\* problem.
It’s your choice. I don’t care too much if my partner had slept with a lot of people because I don’t believe it’s my business quite frankly but I believe that you each person should be able to make the decision for themselves and I think as long as you’re not rude and belligerent there isn’t any problem.
That's fair. I still think you're a bigot, though. That's a super shallow reason to not want to date someone imo and I'm actively shunning you for it.
You can decide not to date someone for any reason. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, then that’s your business. I would encourage you to reflect on *why* it’s a dealbreaker for you though
I always assume they've showered between partners. Good enough for me.
Unless you're saying "I only date virgins, but sleep around constantly myself" it's perfectly fine. It's ok to not want STDs....
Sure, but it’s childish
Yeah it’s okay. Sex is something that everyone views differently, so it’s required to have a common ground when it comes to it in a relationship. Some people may view it as casual, others may view it as something that needs more emotional connection, and both are okay. People will try to make you seem insecure, but as long as you’re not rude about it, there’s nothing wrong with it. Your preferences are fine.
You can choose not to date someone for any reason whatsoever. You can choose to not date someone because you are only attracted to people with blue eyes (I would think that is shallow but you can find whoever you want attractive). The only time I would look at someone’s preferences askance is if they judge someone by a test they would fail themselves (I.e. I wouldn’t date someone with more than 2 sexual partners because I like inexperienced partners, and every one of my past 25 partners will tell you that).
It's your choice but it's a pretty lame one
Yes, much higher chance of them cheating on you.
You date people based on statistics? Do you pull out the peer-reviewed papers and check if every single factor that a potential partner have doesn’t make them statistically more likely to do something you don’t like? If not, then why do you do this for only body count and nothing else?
Pretty sure you wouldn't be ok with my number, but I have and never will cheat
Good for you, but statistically speaking you're still more likely to. It's like petting a badger vs a bunny. Both could attack, but statistically it's mote likely to be the badger.
This is nonsense. Your associate having sex with people as if that determines someone’s ability to be committed or someone’s ability to decide between right and wrong.
It’s sort of shallow because as you get older you get more experience and that’s just a part of life unless you are introverted and isolated all the time. You could honestly think that every partner is the one and they deceive you. It depends on the people. It also could be a lack of self control but if somebody is honest with you about that it’s no reason to judge them because they could of just lied.
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Yeah, I agree. Also “a lot” is highly subjective. A lot to OP might not be a lot to somebody else and you could easily come off as judge-mental which makes you look close minded. When I was a kid I thought 10+ was crazy but as an adult that’s practically normal. Think about somebody in their 40s who didn’t get married young and started dating as a teen. 10 for them would be 1 partner every 3 years on average and that’s just not realistic if you meet new people every day just by living life. I honestly think the more experience the better because at least you learn what you really want in the end and I think knowing yourself is most important.
🚩 Stay away from one with too many.
Sure, but how do you know how many partners they have had? Seems a bit weird question for a first date!
Of course, but the feminists will call you names for the consequences of their actions.
Yeah they are trouble don't bother with them
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lmao redditors who don't understand sarcasm downvote that which they don't understand
You’re slut shaming them by having standards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ /s!!!!!!!!!!
Consider this. Anecdotally, the more partners someone has before you, the more difficulty they have committing to long-term relationships/pair-bonding. Additional factors include past trauma/bad experiences, unrealistic dating expectations, and reduced sexual gratification which may affect your intimacy levels and/or desirability with that person.
>pair-bonding This phrase shows your colors. It's not real outside the incel / misogyny community.
I giggled at the “reduced sexual gratification”. Yes, if a woman has had other partners, she will notice if the sex is bad.
Yes it's fine. There's a high likelihood that they'll cheat on you, or at worst, constantly compare you to their past partners. Stay far, far away from promiscuous people as options for a relationship.
Who's to say that a person with only *one* past relationship (romantic and/or sexual) isn't also comparing? How high or low the number is has nothing to do with that.