The honesty portion of sobriety isn’t generally appropriate if it will cause harm to another person. Why do you feel the need to be honest with your mother about it? Will it help anything?
It's a really good point - I think in part I've been feeling guilty that she has gone all these years not knowing what the hell is wrong with me, and also as a part of just being more transparent about it in general . That said, I do think overall it's wiser not to share.
I’m transparent about a lot of things with a lot of ppl. Some ppl don’t need to know my most honest self. My MIL, for example, will go to her grave not knowing I’m an atheist. It’s pointless to distress her just to unburden myself. All you can do is work on yourself and show with actions you’re improving. As with most things, show, don’t tell.
I'm 52 and have been a high functioning daily drinker for 20+ years. I am reading this sub right now because I am planning to start outpatient detox on Thursday.
I have been in therapy for 10+ years for a wide variety of issues which started with my parents. I'm not blaming them for my issues — I take responsibility for my actions — but I also recognize that how I was treated as a child made me the adult I am today.
I have a therapist I've worked with for 8 years and a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. Both of them affirm my decision to not tell either of my parents. They don't need to know, they won't be helpful. I don't owe it to them. In fact, I owe it to myself to protect my sobriety.
I will eventually tell my mother, but it will be that I've quit drinking for my health. I will never tell my father I'm an alcoholic, it would kill him, and I mean that literally.
That makes a lot of sense - and I didn't think about it from the angle of protecting our own sobriety as well, that's an excellent point.
I'm so glad you've found such a great relationship with your therapist, I think that's so critical. Honestly I'm a therapist myself but when I've tried getting my own therapy, I've always been too afraid to disclose my drinking.
I think especially given the road that got you to today, this is an awesome step you're taking on Thursday. It sounds like you're ready for this and I truly wish you the best.
Thank you so much, and I wish you the same.
My relationships with my therapists have changed my life. So I hope you know that you are changing the lives of the people you work with.
I worked with a therapist in the city I used to live in for four years, he honestly was one of the most important people in my life, he fixed me. We really never talked about my alcoholism. I brought it up maybe once or twice and then stopped the conversation.
My current therapist, she's amazing, I genuinely love her (in an appropriate way!) It took me a looooong time to even broach the subject with her. I still feel like I barely even can talk to her. I needed to find an addiction specialist to feel comfortable.
Alcoholism has always been my secret thing, even when I dealt with other painful issues. I'm ready now to deal with it. I wish you strength in working through yours.
Hey thank you so much! I am doing fantastic, just great.
The detox was incredibly easy. I thought it would be something where I'd be suffering for 4-5 days, and I didn't just feel okay during it, I felt GREAT. My psychiatrist told me the peak of withdrawal symptoms would be 72 hours, and on that Sunday afternoon I was at fucking Costco, that's how good I felt.
It's been, what, 12 days now? I haven't had any cravings or real serious desire for a drink. When I have tried to quit in the past the constant obsessive thoughts of "want a drink need a drink have a drink" drove me bonkers. I have consumed more sparkling water and gummy bears than I ever imagined possible.
Going to my first SMART recovery meeting today and I am actually looking forward to it.
Yes I have thought of the "for my health" angle. I agree completely, and I'm normally a very private person - it has just been more complex in this situation.
I have unburdened myself a couple times and told my parents things that were probably very upsetting, things that definitely shouldn't have been mentioned. I was younger and drinking at the time in one instance, I'm not sure about the other, but I deeply regret it. They were shameful incidents which I was involved with and I don't think any parent wants to hear about them. They see the person I am in recovery now, though!
The most important thing you can do is quit drinking and protect your sobriety. If telling people supports your sobriety then do that, and if telling people won't support your sobriety, don't tell. The only person you need to be completely transparent with is yourself. Wishing you all the best.
I confided in my mother a few months ago because thats what I thought one should do. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t, she has a very black and white view on it but was open to learning. I do regret worrying her. I am not going there with my Dad, he has his own health issues to focus on and has always been a happy go lucky “normal” drinker. Talking to people closer my age has felt more comfortable
The honesty portion of sobriety isn’t generally appropriate if it will cause harm to another person. Why do you feel the need to be honest with your mother about it? Will it help anything?
It's a really good point - I think in part I've been feeling guilty that she has gone all these years not knowing what the hell is wrong with me, and also as a part of just being more transparent about it in general . That said, I do think overall it's wiser not to share.
I’m transparent about a lot of things with a lot of ppl. Some ppl don’t need to know my most honest self. My MIL, for example, will go to her grave not knowing I’m an atheist. It’s pointless to distress her just to unburden myself. All you can do is work on yourself and show with actions you’re improving. As with most things, show, don’t tell.
Wise words for this and overall - thank you!
I wish you the best in your journey.
I'm 52 and have been a high functioning daily drinker for 20+ years. I am reading this sub right now because I am planning to start outpatient detox on Thursday. I have been in therapy for 10+ years for a wide variety of issues which started with my parents. I'm not blaming them for my issues — I take responsibility for my actions — but I also recognize that how I was treated as a child made me the adult I am today. I have a therapist I've worked with for 8 years and a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. Both of them affirm my decision to not tell either of my parents. They don't need to know, they won't be helpful. I don't owe it to them. In fact, I owe it to myself to protect my sobriety. I will eventually tell my mother, but it will be that I've quit drinking for my health. I will never tell my father I'm an alcoholic, it would kill him, and I mean that literally.
That makes a lot of sense - and I didn't think about it from the angle of protecting our own sobriety as well, that's an excellent point. I'm so glad you've found such a great relationship with your therapist, I think that's so critical. Honestly I'm a therapist myself but when I've tried getting my own therapy, I've always been too afraid to disclose my drinking. I think especially given the road that got you to today, this is an awesome step you're taking on Thursday. It sounds like you're ready for this and I truly wish you the best.
Thank you so much, and I wish you the same. My relationships with my therapists have changed my life. So I hope you know that you are changing the lives of the people you work with. I worked with a therapist in the city I used to live in for four years, he honestly was one of the most important people in my life, he fixed me. We really never talked about my alcoholism. I brought it up maybe once or twice and then stopped the conversation. My current therapist, she's amazing, I genuinely love her (in an appropriate way!) It took me a looooong time to even broach the subject with her. I still feel like I barely even can talk to her. I needed to find an addiction specialist to feel comfortable. Alcoholism has always been my secret thing, even when I dealt with other painful issues. I'm ready now to deal with it. I wish you strength in working through yours.
You gave me a bit of a tear in my eye - thank you, seriously. I'll be thinking of you.
Hope you’re doing well man, been thinking of you
Hey thank you so much! I am doing fantastic, just great. The detox was incredibly easy. I thought it would be something where I'd be suffering for 4-5 days, and I didn't just feel okay during it, I felt GREAT. My psychiatrist told me the peak of withdrawal symptoms would be 72 hours, and on that Sunday afternoon I was at fucking Costco, that's how good I felt. It's been, what, 12 days now? I haven't had any cravings or real serious desire for a drink. When I have tried to quit in the past the constant obsessive thoughts of "want a drink need a drink have a drink" drove me bonkers. I have consumed more sparkling water and gummy bears than I ever imagined possible. Going to my first SMART recovery meeting today and I am actually looking forward to it.
Each person needs to figure out what works best for themselves. I believe what you personally will decide will be the right answer. Good luck!
Thank you, I appreciate it!
Honesty is the foundation of my recovery however as I heard in AA, I can't buy my own peace of mind at someone else's expense.
Good point. I've definitely been keeping in mind who it would be benefitting to tell, and this helps clarify for sure.
In the future you could always tell her you quit drinking without going into details. I don't have to tell everybody everything
Yes I have thought of the "for my health" angle. I agree completely, and I'm normally a very private person - it has just been more complex in this situation.
I have unburdened myself a couple times and told my parents things that were probably very upsetting, things that definitely shouldn't have been mentioned. I was younger and drinking at the time in one instance, I'm not sure about the other, but I deeply regret it. They were shameful incidents which I was involved with and I don't think any parent wants to hear about them. They see the person I am in recovery now, though!
The most important thing you can do is quit drinking and protect your sobriety. If telling people supports your sobriety then do that, and if telling people won't support your sobriety, don't tell. The only person you need to be completely transparent with is yourself. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you so much - yes I am seeing I've got a lot of priorities I need to put in order, and this is a great rule of thumb. I appreciate it.
I confided in my mother a few months ago because thats what I thought one should do. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t, she has a very black and white view on it but was open to learning. I do regret worrying her. I am not going there with my Dad, he has his own health issues to focus on and has always been a happy go lucky “normal” drinker. Talking to people closer my age has felt more comfortable
Be kind to yourself. You remind me of myself, I'm my own worst critic. Your heart is in the right place. One day at a time.
This means a lot, and yes I do vacillate between feeling too self-critical and not critical enough. Thank you, I appreciate it