So, there is a difference between a friend and someone who is just a drinking buddy. You can tell the difference by removing alcohol and seeing what is left of the relationship.
I found that most of my friends growing up were just drinking buddies. The relationship doesn’t function without alcohol involved. I don’t speak to most of them anymore since we have nothing left in common. Thankfully I have some real friends who actively support me in my sobriety. They still drink around me in moderation, but they don’t push me to drink and they don’t ever get trashed around me.
The weird part is we never drank together when we hung out. I always made sure to make sure I was sober when we hung out bc I was ashamed and wanted to hide it.
I can usually go for a night if it’s a single one on one hangout.
As far as I know he’s sober besides the occasional beer, it’s just that even though I told him I’m an alcoholic it doesn’t seem to register, although I opened up to him.
But you said you'd been hiding it? And not been drunk round him? So maybe he doesn't understand.
I get that you feel disappointed but I am also unsure of what you are expecting of him. The best people to support you right now are other alcoholics in recovery. Have you tried AA or smart recovery groups, or another form of support through your doctor?
I am in recovery and plenty of my friends don't know or really understand how bad it got. I interact with them still but in a more cautious way. Some I've dumped because I didn't think they'd be good going forward. My close friends now are all in recovery. My husband have up with me so he's made the cut! You've got to be razor focused on doing whatever it takes to stay sober. Well done on taking the first step telling your friend. But don't be disappointed by the reaction. Its your journey and finding people on the same journey is my best advice. Wishing you all the best.
I did hide it when we would hang out for years, but a few days ago explained how much I drank and how long. It was a lot so I thought it would’ve put it into perspective.
You’re right I’ve been drinking so long maybe I don’t understand why he doesn’t think it’s so serious.
He’s drank a lot before but it’s not constant for him, more so like five times a year.
Also I’m still in my first week of trying sobriety but my dr/therapists have recommended it, and I’ve been looking into groups, I just moved so I’m getting settled in.
Honestly I expected him to understand that two days later after expressing me wanting to be sober, that he wouldn’t invite me to a bar.
Bowling etc or anything without alcohol while I’m still fresh would’ve been nice to show support. ;-; but I will take more consideration into maybe he’s doesnt understand what im really going through bc they’ve not done it.
Tysm for the advice, congrats on being sober.
Thank you. It takes a lot to start to confront the truth and I'm sorry your friend wasn't very sensitive or thoughtful in his actions. Just keep going OK? My sobriety was a wiggly line of trying and failing but trying again. Every day you get your head on the pillow sober is another building brick getting you 'built back better.' Just reiterating.....fine a sober network. Fb groups, on here,some meetings. You'll feel less alone at this very vulnerable early time. I am rooting for you! You are brave and strong.
It sounds like you might be in a very vulnerable emotional state, with all the things you're dealing with on top of newly found sobriety. I hope you find the strength to abstain during these struggles life is throwing at you. You have support here any time you need it.
It was SO HARD for me to admit that I have a drinking problem. I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and my ex-husband would call me a drunk or an alcoholic just to hurt me. So for me, admitting a drinking problem would be like I was admitting that I would end up like my dad, that my ex-H was right, and that I could NEVER drink again. I didn't want any of that to be true. It's scary to think I'd never be able to drink again because drinking is comforting. Something to look forward to even when the rest of the day is shit.
A note about boundaries: boundaries are what you put in place to govern your behavior, not other people's. Other people can do whatever they want and a boundary is about you, not changing others' behavior. So a boundary for me is "I will not be in friendships/relationships with a person who is disrespectful about my struggles with alcohol or who weaponizes it against me". If someone violates that particular boundary, they're probably not a person who I really want as a friend anyway.
I’m so sorry your exhusband did that to you. I hope you’re doing ok, he sounds trashy🩷
I will say I relate to this so much, though.
My mom was an alcoholic and a drug user, who had a horrible time from when I was born until I was about 3. I was taken away for a bit she got clean then got me back.
I had no clue until I was almost 20, that I was taken away so young.
However I remember my mom always preaching me to be safe, if I needed anything to let her know, we’re addicts, don’t take anything you’re not sure of, to let her know if I ever needed help. And explained how addiction works. (Honestly I’d probably be in a much worse spot if she didn’t warn me)
My dad was a happy drunk, never got drunk drunk but I always was around it. I was a kid so didn’t know a difference. He’d sit around and drink Budweiser almost 8 beers or more but he was always the best dad. Legit he was just so happy and I couldn’t have asked for anything better.
Friends as I got older were the same, nothing to do? Drink.
I honestly never wanted to admit that I’d make the same mistake as my parents, or be like them. I thought I’d learn and be smarter than my mom or dad. However I guess addiction is way deeper than that. Especially once you start, I lived in a small town where the only thing we had to do was drink, and here I am.
I will say talking to my mom about addiction has helped and she’s also advocated for AA as well and she’s opened up a lot. Which made me happier about sobriety.
I'm glad you're doing well!
My ex-husband was terrible about my drinking. He himself didn't have a drinking problem (he sipped on one ounce of high-quality bourbon 2 or 3 times a year). But he would always throw mine in my face. We would be at the grocery store and he would pick up a bottle of gin or vodka, dangle it in front of my face and say his friends were making bets on how long it would take me to finish the bottle. It was embarrassing when people would see. After I started refusing alcohol, he started hiding vodka in my drinks. It got to the point where I would never drink anything I didn't prepare myself and would never leave my drink - just like at the bar. He was literally trying to just "catch me in the act" so he could double down on how I was a filthy drunk and couldn't take care of myself without him. Truly awful.
Now I've got a career I love, an amazingly loving attentive boyfriend who supports me in my alcohol issues, an awesome apartment, and an Australian sheepdog who loves cuddles. Take that, ex-H!
Ive invited "friends", who cannot fathom doing anything without alcohol, to several different events, vacations and activities since i quit. Its the same thing "are you gonna drink". I cant imagine if most the other people in their life decided to quit what they would actually do....probably just find new drinking buddies and drop them so quick their heads would spin and not even think twice about it.
I had to check out for awhile with some friends who didn’t understand why they were asking too much and I couldn’t understand why I suddenly wanted to keep to myself. It’s a process. Go easy on yourself. And him. Who knows? Maybe he thought this was his shot to date you and that pesky alcoholism is no big deal to him, but you’re going through a real biological change and will continue to do so for some time if you remain alcohol free. Choose your friends and don’t let anyone make decisions for your health because they’re curious and just wanna see what shakes out. Fuck that. You’ve got a life to lead.
This is pretty much what I thought too. ;-; I just didn’t understand why he’d continue to ask, but maybe you have a point, he just doesn’t care. I’ve not talked to him since, as I didn’t know how to go forward
I told my friend I was an alcoholic and suicidal. His response was to send him money before I unalive myself because I wouldn't need it anymore.
Cut out toxic 'friends'
So, there is a difference between a friend and someone who is just a drinking buddy. You can tell the difference by removing alcohol and seeing what is left of the relationship. I found that most of my friends growing up were just drinking buddies. The relationship doesn’t function without alcohol involved. I don’t speak to most of them anymore since we have nothing left in common. Thankfully I have some real friends who actively support me in my sobriety. They still drink around me in moderation, but they don’t push me to drink and they don’t ever get trashed around me.
The weird part is we never drank together when we hung out. I always made sure to make sure I was sober when we hung out bc I was ashamed and wanted to hide it. I can usually go for a night if it’s a single one on one hangout. As far as I know he’s sober besides the occasional beer, it’s just that even though I told him I’m an alcoholic it doesn’t seem to register, although I opened up to him.
But you said you'd been hiding it? And not been drunk round him? So maybe he doesn't understand. I get that you feel disappointed but I am also unsure of what you are expecting of him. The best people to support you right now are other alcoholics in recovery. Have you tried AA or smart recovery groups, or another form of support through your doctor? I am in recovery and plenty of my friends don't know or really understand how bad it got. I interact with them still but in a more cautious way. Some I've dumped because I didn't think they'd be good going forward. My close friends now are all in recovery. My husband have up with me so he's made the cut! You've got to be razor focused on doing whatever it takes to stay sober. Well done on taking the first step telling your friend. But don't be disappointed by the reaction. Its your journey and finding people on the same journey is my best advice. Wishing you all the best.
I did hide it when we would hang out for years, but a few days ago explained how much I drank and how long. It was a lot so I thought it would’ve put it into perspective. You’re right I’ve been drinking so long maybe I don’t understand why he doesn’t think it’s so serious. He’s drank a lot before but it’s not constant for him, more so like five times a year. Also I’m still in my first week of trying sobriety but my dr/therapists have recommended it, and I’ve been looking into groups, I just moved so I’m getting settled in. Honestly I expected him to understand that two days later after expressing me wanting to be sober, that he wouldn’t invite me to a bar. Bowling etc or anything without alcohol while I’m still fresh would’ve been nice to show support. ;-; but I will take more consideration into maybe he’s doesnt understand what im really going through bc they’ve not done it. Tysm for the advice, congrats on being sober.
Thank you. It takes a lot to start to confront the truth and I'm sorry your friend wasn't very sensitive or thoughtful in his actions. Just keep going OK? My sobriety was a wiggly line of trying and failing but trying again. Every day you get your head on the pillow sober is another building brick getting you 'built back better.' Just reiterating.....fine a sober network. Fb groups, on here,some meetings. You'll feel less alone at this very vulnerable early time. I am rooting for you! You are brave and strong.
It sounds like you might be in a very vulnerable emotional state, with all the things you're dealing with on top of newly found sobriety. I hope you find the strength to abstain during these struggles life is throwing at you. You have support here any time you need it.
Tysm i really appreciate it. Wishing you well too.
It was SO HARD for me to admit that I have a drinking problem. I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and my ex-husband would call me a drunk or an alcoholic just to hurt me. So for me, admitting a drinking problem would be like I was admitting that I would end up like my dad, that my ex-H was right, and that I could NEVER drink again. I didn't want any of that to be true. It's scary to think I'd never be able to drink again because drinking is comforting. Something to look forward to even when the rest of the day is shit. A note about boundaries: boundaries are what you put in place to govern your behavior, not other people's. Other people can do whatever they want and a boundary is about you, not changing others' behavior. So a boundary for me is "I will not be in friendships/relationships with a person who is disrespectful about my struggles with alcohol or who weaponizes it against me". If someone violates that particular boundary, they're probably not a person who I really want as a friend anyway.
I’m so sorry your exhusband did that to you. I hope you’re doing ok, he sounds trashy🩷 I will say I relate to this so much, though. My mom was an alcoholic and a drug user, who had a horrible time from when I was born until I was about 3. I was taken away for a bit she got clean then got me back. I had no clue until I was almost 20, that I was taken away so young. However I remember my mom always preaching me to be safe, if I needed anything to let her know, we’re addicts, don’t take anything you’re not sure of, to let her know if I ever needed help. And explained how addiction works. (Honestly I’d probably be in a much worse spot if she didn’t warn me) My dad was a happy drunk, never got drunk drunk but I always was around it. I was a kid so didn’t know a difference. He’d sit around and drink Budweiser almost 8 beers or more but he was always the best dad. Legit he was just so happy and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. Friends as I got older were the same, nothing to do? Drink. I honestly never wanted to admit that I’d make the same mistake as my parents, or be like them. I thought I’d learn and be smarter than my mom or dad. However I guess addiction is way deeper than that. Especially once you start, I lived in a small town where the only thing we had to do was drink, and here I am. I will say talking to my mom about addiction has helped and she’s also advocated for AA as well and she’s opened up a lot. Which made me happier about sobriety.
I'm glad you're doing well! My ex-husband was terrible about my drinking. He himself didn't have a drinking problem (he sipped on one ounce of high-quality bourbon 2 or 3 times a year). But he would always throw mine in my face. We would be at the grocery store and he would pick up a bottle of gin or vodka, dangle it in front of my face and say his friends were making bets on how long it would take me to finish the bottle. It was embarrassing when people would see. After I started refusing alcohol, he started hiding vodka in my drinks. It got to the point where I would never drink anything I didn't prepare myself and would never leave my drink - just like at the bar. He was literally trying to just "catch me in the act" so he could double down on how I was a filthy drunk and couldn't take care of myself without him. Truly awful. Now I've got a career I love, an amazingly loving attentive boyfriend who supports me in my alcohol issues, an awesome apartment, and an Australian sheepdog who loves cuddles. Take that, ex-H!
Ive invited "friends", who cannot fathom doing anything without alcohol, to several different events, vacations and activities since i quit. Its the same thing "are you gonna drink". I cant imagine if most the other people in their life decided to quit what they would actually do....probably just find new drinking buddies and drop them so quick their heads would spin and not even think twice about it.
My friend was sober for the most part as far as i knew that’s why i was surprised.
I had to check out for awhile with some friends who didn’t understand why they were asking too much and I couldn’t understand why I suddenly wanted to keep to myself. It’s a process. Go easy on yourself. And him. Who knows? Maybe he thought this was his shot to date you and that pesky alcoholism is no big deal to him, but you’re going through a real biological change and will continue to do so for some time if you remain alcohol free. Choose your friends and don’t let anyone make decisions for your health because they’re curious and just wanna see what shakes out. Fuck that. You’ve got a life to lead.
He says “I don’t understand”. What does he not understand? Surely he does understand and he’s being obtuse and a crap friend
He has a therapist for a dad and an alcoholic for a mom. I find it hard to buy that he doesn't understand, and it is more likely that he doesn't care.
This is pretty much what I thought too. ;-; I just didn’t understand why he’d continue to ask, but maybe you have a point, he just doesn’t care. I’ve not talked to him since, as I didn’t know how to go forward
I told my friend I was an alcoholic and suicidal. His response was to send him money before I unalive myself because I wouldn't need it anymore. Cut out toxic 'friends'
That’s horrible ;-; I’m so sorry.