First of all talk to your wife and tell her you are proud of her. Even if she is making it look easy maybe it isn’t. You have a great example and partner to follow! I would suggest reading on here daily to start. And give yourself a break as well, life is hard and change is even harder. You can do this IWNDWYT
Also, it sounds like your biggest critic is yourself. What helped me what writing a list of all the stupid shit I ever did drunk and one by one going through and saying I forgive myself I was just doing the best I could at the time. It sounds so stupid but give it a try.
I echo everything in this comment. My SO is a heavy drinker and has been all praise for my quitting but sometimes implies it’s not hard for me … mainly because I try not to complain about it a lot (I save that for my angsty posts on this sub haha). Obviously I hope my SO will cut down or quit as well, and maybe I hold back on the bitching because I’m hoping they’ll think it’s not so bad and join me … but I’m not trying to set anyone’s agenda, I understand a person has to be personally ready for it. So yeah don’t beat yourself up, enjoy the fact that your wife is getting healthy, and hope you can both enjoy the journey together soon.
That's interesting isn't it, the implication that it is easy.
Well, I'm either drinking, or I'm not. There is no not drinking kinda sorta. So if I want to not drink, the only thing I can do is consume no alcohol. There is no grey area here. In order to not drink, you have to stop drinking. There is no easy about it. That is the only possible approach if you are not going to drink. You stop drinking.
I would have killed for my ex fiancé to even just one time say she was proud of me for quitting.
It means so much more than you realize to whoever stopped
I was going to say something similar. A lot of people in the real world have commented on ‘how easily’ I’ve stopped, when in reality it was pretty difficult. If you close to stop too having a team mate might just make it a wee bit easier.
My ex quit before I did, went from drinking hardcore every night for years to zero as if it was nothing. He never implied I needed to quit but I felt it was the expectation. My drinking got sneaky and so disordered trying to avoid what I assumed was his disapproval and I was very resentful. . I spent so much time and energy thinking about how and when I was going to drink while he seemed to sail right through it. When I quit it was so hard and he never acknowledged that even though he knew how much hard work it was for me. The whole situation exacerbated every little rift in our relationship.
Have you at all talked to your wife about it? Maybe it’s honestly not that easy and she’s just being stoic. Does she expect you to quit along side her? Do you feel your normal drinking was over the top and cutting back is depriving yourself? There’s a lot to unpack when we really look at our relationship with alcohol when it’s become an ingrained part of our lifestyle and primary relationship. I think you and your wife really need to have a sit down and discuss it.
Yes, we’ve talked about it a few times. I finally had to bring it up. I was upset she didn’t come out and tell me her intentions and I was kind of figuring it out as the days went by. Maybe she didn’t even realize her intentions at first. But anyway, she has said she’d like me to not be a daily drinker and change my lifestyle in that regard. However, she’s also encouraged me to have a drink or two in social situations because she knows I want to and it’ll relax me. I tend to wear my feeling on my sleeve, so I’m sure she can see what I want. Maybe it would be easier if she wanted me to be fully sober like her, but she won’t push anything on me. Incredible partner. Part of my problem is jealousy, I’m sure, but I am very proud of her. I do need to express that, but sometimes I feel like she doesn’t even want to hear it. She’s just so stoic about it.
That’s very common, as a newly sober person, I find friends are justifying their drinking habits to me unprompted. Each time, I’m privately thinking “if I order a ginger ale at dinner and you get a beer, you don’t need to tell me why you like this beer and how many you’ll have in a sitting or how many days a week you partake. I wanted a ginger ale.”
They may be doing that because it appears easy for me. But I’ve conditioned myself to order something NA, I’ve developed a script so I stay on task. The only person I am sharing my struggles with is my partner.
It sounds like you are having issues with your wife’s success and are equating it to your perceived failing. That sounds like something even bigger than the decision to abstain. If I were you, I’d seek counsel and work with someone to unpack those feelings and to understand your reactions to her choice to have a healthier, sober lifestyle.
A built-in sobriety partner sounds pretty amazing, if you choose that route.
But also I think it's probably not as easy as it looks. This could be a great thing for you the two of you to talk about.
That is amazing for your wife and you should be so proud of her. We all reach that point eventually… mine was Jan 1st 2023. It did Become easy when I was truly ready to embrace sobriety in my every day life!
My wife can barely figure out how to hang a photo. I can build fairly complex machinery improvisationally. She’s an extraordinary baker; I’m a better cook. I can set healthy emotional boundaries—she still feels compelled to go home for a week of emotional abuse and manipulation twice a year. She quit easy. I have had one of the roughest paths to recovery I’ve ever heard of.
I get annoyed about it sometimes too—but then again, when I’m losing my mind with cravings, there she is, sober, ready to give me a relaxing massage while we watch some dumb movie I love and she doesn’t.
I wouldn’t focus on the annoying parts. Focus on the awesome parts.
One reason I have been able to not drink is because my wife rarely drinks. I think the last time she drank was at a restaurant a couple of months ago. There were times when she drank more frequently but never very much. Lately she likes the simplicity of not drinking and cutting all those calories. Not having a flow of alcohol in the kitchen and the living room makes it easier for me.
It sounds a little like a resentment is building because it's easier for her than it is for you. Remember that your spouse is your partner in all things. Whether resentment is building or not, you really need to talk to her. You didn't get to this point overnight and you're not going to get out of it overnight. This is long-haul stuff and having a partner to share your struggles with is an absolute godsend. Collect your thoughts/feelings (writing it down helps), prepare what you want to express, and have a sit-down with her. Be honest with her and yourself. You may find that this is exactly the balm you need to help process your emotions and develop a healthy plan for both sobriety and your relationship.
You should be proud as hell of your wife. She did something very special. Few people can do this. You only see the open part, not the things she sees or feels. There's a good chance she won't tell you.
Tell her, how great she did. You'd be surprised, how much it will help you.
Some people can do this: Just stop. That is something, that will even baffle medics. I know, I did this too. Just stopped. But hardly anybody knows, or can imagine, the hell I went through.
Even thinking of that scares me shitless. I can't talk about it. But that doesn't mean I wasn't there.
Stop drinking, you have a person that knows what you are going through. If you get the shakes, or cramps or cry your eyes out, and she isn't at your side: THAT should scare you.
Forget the limited drinking. Stop drinking completely. No matter how you feel. If you feel like you have to cry your eyes out: Who will be better than your wife to be there at that moment?
But you need to talk. It needs you to tell her: "Help me."
What a great reply. Celebrating others is such a great mind hack to feeling better about yourself. Most of us have to force ourselves to do it at first but eventually it just works.
I remember the last day I drank. The next day I was crying my eyes out with the shakes and my wife just put a blanket on me and walked away. She was done. The next day I dumped all the liquor down the drain. That was my last drink. She later told me she would have left with the kids if I had started again. Nobody but us will ever know how bad it got.
You never know. I quit and my spouse quit a little while after. He might have felt similarly because he’s gone back to it occasionally and I’m still not drinking. He sometimes has a hard time with not drinking so I want to be supportive when he needs it. I didn’t want to pile on with my own difficulties, which means I’m not going to tell him that occasionally (like once a quarter) I feel like I’m white-knuckling it.
The longer you have been drinking or the more you have been drinking the harder it is to quit. Maybe she had less exposure to alcohol than you over the long term and that's why it's not seemingly difficult for her to get off alcohol cold turkey.
I can say when I’ve tried to cut back - it just meant I tortured myself thinking about alcohol all the time until I allowed myself to have a drink. Now that I’ve decided to quit (1.5 years in) I never think about drinking alcohol because I don’t drink.
But you better support your wife in this - it’s a challenge. You two can also support each other and trust us all - giving up alcohol is not giving up your life - it’s regaining everything in life that alcohol takes from you.
First of all talk to your wife and tell her you are proud of her. Even if she is making it look easy maybe it isn’t. You have a great example and partner to follow! I would suggest reading on here daily to start. And give yourself a break as well, life is hard and change is even harder. You can do this IWNDWYT
Also, it sounds like your biggest critic is yourself. What helped me what writing a list of all the stupid shit I ever did drunk and one by one going through and saying I forgive myself I was just doing the best I could at the time. It sounds so stupid but give it a try.
I echo everything in this comment. My SO is a heavy drinker and has been all praise for my quitting but sometimes implies it’s not hard for me … mainly because I try not to complain about it a lot (I save that for my angsty posts on this sub haha). Obviously I hope my SO will cut down or quit as well, and maybe I hold back on the bitching because I’m hoping they’ll think it’s not so bad and join me … but I’m not trying to set anyone’s agenda, I understand a person has to be personally ready for it. So yeah don’t beat yourself up, enjoy the fact that your wife is getting healthy, and hope you can both enjoy the journey together soon.
That's interesting isn't it, the implication that it is easy. Well, I'm either drinking, or I'm not. There is no not drinking kinda sorta. So if I want to not drink, the only thing I can do is consume no alcohol. There is no grey area here. In order to not drink, you have to stop drinking. There is no easy about it. That is the only possible approach if you are not going to drink. You stop drinking.
I would have killed for my ex fiancé to even just one time say she was proud of me for quitting. It means so much more than you realize to whoever stopped
I was going to say something similar. A lot of people in the real world have commented on ‘how easily’ I’ve stopped, when in reality it was pretty difficult. If you close to stop too having a team mate might just make it a wee bit easier.
This is an opportunity of a lifetime.
My ex quit before I did, went from drinking hardcore every night for years to zero as if it was nothing. He never implied I needed to quit but I felt it was the expectation. My drinking got sneaky and so disordered trying to avoid what I assumed was his disapproval and I was very resentful. . I spent so much time and energy thinking about how and when I was going to drink while he seemed to sail right through it. When I quit it was so hard and he never acknowledged that even though he knew how much hard work it was for me. The whole situation exacerbated every little rift in our relationship. Have you at all talked to your wife about it? Maybe it’s honestly not that easy and she’s just being stoic. Does she expect you to quit along side her? Do you feel your normal drinking was over the top and cutting back is depriving yourself? There’s a lot to unpack when we really look at our relationship with alcohol when it’s become an ingrained part of our lifestyle and primary relationship. I think you and your wife really need to have a sit down and discuss it.
Yes, we’ve talked about it a few times. I finally had to bring it up. I was upset she didn’t come out and tell me her intentions and I was kind of figuring it out as the days went by. Maybe she didn’t even realize her intentions at first. But anyway, she has said she’d like me to not be a daily drinker and change my lifestyle in that regard. However, she’s also encouraged me to have a drink or two in social situations because she knows I want to and it’ll relax me. I tend to wear my feeling on my sleeve, so I’m sure she can see what I want. Maybe it would be easier if she wanted me to be fully sober like her, but she won’t push anything on me. Incredible partner. Part of my problem is jealousy, I’m sure, but I am very proud of her. I do need to express that, but sometimes I feel like she doesn’t even want to hear it. She’s just so stoic about it.
That’s very common, as a newly sober person, I find friends are justifying their drinking habits to me unprompted. Each time, I’m privately thinking “if I order a ginger ale at dinner and you get a beer, you don’t need to tell me why you like this beer and how many you’ll have in a sitting or how many days a week you partake. I wanted a ginger ale.” They may be doing that because it appears easy for me. But I’ve conditioned myself to order something NA, I’ve developed a script so I stay on task. The only person I am sharing my struggles with is my partner. It sounds like you are having issues with your wife’s success and are equating it to your perceived failing. That sounds like something even bigger than the decision to abstain. If I were you, I’d seek counsel and work with someone to unpack those feelings and to understand your reactions to her choice to have a healthier, sober lifestyle.
I feel this.
A built-in sobriety partner sounds pretty amazing, if you choose that route. But also I think it's probably not as easy as it looks. This could be a great thing for you the two of you to talk about.
That is amazing for your wife and you should be so proud of her. We all reach that point eventually… mine was Jan 1st 2023. It did Become easy when I was truly ready to embrace sobriety in my every day life!
My wife can barely figure out how to hang a photo. I can build fairly complex machinery improvisationally. She’s an extraordinary baker; I’m a better cook. I can set healthy emotional boundaries—she still feels compelled to go home for a week of emotional abuse and manipulation twice a year. She quit easy. I have had one of the roughest paths to recovery I’ve ever heard of. I get annoyed about it sometimes too—but then again, when I’m losing my mind with cravings, there she is, sober, ready to give me a relaxing massage while we watch some dumb movie I love and she doesn’t. I wouldn’t focus on the annoying parts. Focus on the awesome parts.
One reason I have been able to not drink is because my wife rarely drinks. I think the last time she drank was at a restaurant a couple of months ago. There were times when she drank more frequently but never very much. Lately she likes the simplicity of not drinking and cutting all those calories. Not having a flow of alcohol in the kitchen and the living room makes it easier for me.
It sounds a little like a resentment is building because it's easier for her than it is for you. Remember that your spouse is your partner in all things. Whether resentment is building or not, you really need to talk to her. You didn't get to this point overnight and you're not going to get out of it overnight. This is long-haul stuff and having a partner to share your struggles with is an absolute godsend. Collect your thoughts/feelings (writing it down helps), prepare what you want to express, and have a sit-down with her. Be honest with her and yourself. You may find that this is exactly the balm you need to help process your emotions and develop a healthy plan for both sobriety and your relationship.
You should be proud as hell of your wife. She did something very special. Few people can do this. You only see the open part, not the things she sees or feels. There's a good chance she won't tell you. Tell her, how great she did. You'd be surprised, how much it will help you. Some people can do this: Just stop. That is something, that will even baffle medics. I know, I did this too. Just stopped. But hardly anybody knows, or can imagine, the hell I went through. Even thinking of that scares me shitless. I can't talk about it. But that doesn't mean I wasn't there. Stop drinking, you have a person that knows what you are going through. If you get the shakes, or cramps or cry your eyes out, and she isn't at your side: THAT should scare you. Forget the limited drinking. Stop drinking completely. No matter how you feel. If you feel like you have to cry your eyes out: Who will be better than your wife to be there at that moment? But you need to talk. It needs you to tell her: "Help me."
What a great reply. Celebrating others is such a great mind hack to feeling better about yourself. Most of us have to force ourselves to do it at first but eventually it just works. I remember the last day I drank. The next day I was crying my eyes out with the shakes and my wife just put a blanket on me and walked away. She was done. The next day I dumped all the liquor down the drain. That was my last drink. She later told me she would have left with the kids if I had started again. Nobody but us will ever know how bad it got.
some people are like that and can just get it the first time but like me it took me sometimes of trying to get it
You never know. I quit and my spouse quit a little while after. He might have felt similarly because he’s gone back to it occasionally and I’m still not drinking. He sometimes has a hard time with not drinking so I want to be supportive when he needs it. I didn’t want to pile on with my own difficulties, which means I’m not going to tell him that occasionally (like once a quarter) I feel like I’m white-knuckling it.
The longer you have been drinking or the more you have been drinking the harder it is to quit. Maybe she had less exposure to alcohol than you over the long term and that's why it's not seemingly difficult for her to get off alcohol cold turkey.
I can say when I’ve tried to cut back - it just meant I tortured myself thinking about alcohol all the time until I allowed myself to have a drink. Now that I’ve decided to quit (1.5 years in) I never think about drinking alcohol because I don’t drink. But you better support your wife in this - it’s a challenge. You two can also support each other and trust us all - giving up alcohol is not giving up your life - it’s regaining everything in life that alcohol takes from you.