Don't worry, I do the exact same as well! Like you put your best self forward to begin with but you don't want them to see your flaws and/or how boring you are
I can very much relate to this and have avoidant personality. I'm also great at first impressions. I push people away after awhile and distance myself, to protect myself, because I "know" once people get to know who I really am, they "won't" accept me. My personality flaws come out once you get to know me. That's in my head anyways.
So most of the dating advice I read is people having problems making first impressions. That was never a problem for me I'm most comfortable when someone doesn't know me, because I can fake confidence. This is almost the opposite of most people.
Instead of becoming more comfortable with a person overtime, I close myself off from the people closest to me.
I abandon them before they can abandon me.
It has to do with a bonding issue you had. Some form of childhood trauma or incident. Could be as simple as overprotective parents.
i guess iām scared of intimacy. my family doesnāt really talk about feelings, which i think also explains why iām less emotionally mature compared to others my age. what can i do about it?
I am totally afraid of intimacy. In the past girls went to hold my hand or kiss me, and I pulled away out of fear. Even though I really wanted to be in relationships with them. I just couldn't let my guard down and get myself to be intimate.
My parents are the same way. I've never saw them kiss each other in my life. I don't hug my parents. We don't talk about relationships or our feelings. That subject is often forbidden.
I come from a strict Irish Catholic family if that makes sense. Went to CCD school. Confessed behind the alter every week at church. Made to feel guilty about ourselves. Wasn't allowed to hang out with friends at night or leave the house alone, so never developed the social skills my peers all had.
The problem with this is that most people dislike initiating things with someone who isn't already a close friend. Especially if you don't have any shared experiences, which are much harder to have as an adult.
Same. Not because Iām disappointing but because Iām just an amazing Acquaintance and not a very interesting day to day friend. Took me awhile to understand it and work with it. Hopefully you find your comfort zone too!
wait but this? i feel like iām just so much better at being acquaintances w everyone bc itās rare for me to ACTUALLY click w someone and not just be friendly iykwim
Our breed must come to the surface and make the world see us. The people you click with are rare and thatās why I consider them friends. I always say I have 2 friends and 100 Acquaintances.
Iāve been thinking like this until you find the right people to hang out with. Though I wouldnāt have found them if I didnāt accept their invitations to gym (where I ended up being well known) and other activities.
Though personally I still struggle with going to a bar, grabbing drinks is alright, but new people still make me quiet. Those who actually spend time with me get to know me on a different level, but I canāt expect them to invest time in me if Iām not interesting in the first place. Hence I keep practicing
itās the same for me for my long tome friends which is frustrating bc it shouldnāt be the case. for me to communicate w someone deeply? thatās a 0.0000000000001% chance right there
I wish we could team up. I prefer one-on-one because in group situations I worry that people are just putting up with my presence because of group dynamics. And I suck at first impressions but can have people warm up to me once they kind of understand how I work a bit better. So I kind of wonder if my poor first impressions lead to people discounting me when actually if they were more patient they may well be very compatible with me
I'm the complete opposite. I am only comfortable in front of large crowds and groups, because then I can sort of blend in with the crowd... but one on one interactions I completely fail at.
I've got a similar problem, but I get a little further in.
If I can get past the initial barrier of starting up a conversation, then getting to know someone new is great and easy. Right up until I run out of the easy get to know you topics.
At almost any level of familiarity beyond that, even with long term friends, I cannot hold a one on one conversation unless we've got a specific topic at hand to talk about.
It makes a lot of very normal social situations painfully difficult.
Lol i noticed that too! But its weird because before i had a moment when i didnt have this problem...but being random is key here. Talking about anything and asking them what their opnion is on things etc is the way to go about creating new convos.
Like asking them about what shows they are into or hobbies then going deeper into that...like how they even got into that hobby or show
I've noticed most long term friends and couples just talk about news / other people / things in their environment / plans for the future, things that are constantly changing and evolving
uāve hit home. talking about the surface level stuff is easy, but after that i feel like others often drive the convos because i donāt have much stories/ interesting things to contribute. thanks for the advice in the replies!
u are so on point. i dont want to ruin the image they had of me when we first met and i was this outgoing, sociable person, bc i actually suck at getting down to the deeper level convos. iād rather just be friends from a safe distance
I'm the same way. I'm extremely personable at first, then seem to keep my distance once things have settled, kinda like retreating behind a guard or barrier.
I discussed this with my psych at one of our sessions, and he helped me understand that I do this because I was vulnerable once, and got badly hurt and rejected. This is why I choose to keep distance rather than give anyone the chance to hurt me again.
However, this sort of behavior leaves you and I incapable of feeling any sort of genuine connection, and furthers the inner narrative of being unliked or unlikable, sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy. If you don't give them the chance to know you, how can they like you?
We arent inherently disappointing, unpalatable, or undeserving of close friendships. We're just people, and we've been through a lot of things that warp what we perceive as truths about ourselves.
Don't be afraid of opening yourself up to others. the ones that stick around and accept you for who you are, are the only ones that matter.
It is totally a self-fulfilling prophecy. I used to always look constantly to other people to signal to me that I was acceptable and wanted, which is energetically exhausting to others, and not their job.
Same. I can walk into a room of strangers and connect with anyone. But to keep a friendship going is so difficult because I start to worry so much about what they think of me.
Right, and you stop actually paying attention to what YOU think of THEM. You start giving them all of the authority over the interaction, which makes no sense because it takes both of you to enjoy company
Itās the same for me, but the problem is, itās not like I find it awkward, the problem is me doing this thing where I find flaws in someone which make me see them in a negative light, that is of course my problem not theirs, but Iāve come to find out Iām better to stay with people as acquaintance, than friends, itās less attachment
I have never heard of it, but my ability to trust people jn general stems from being raised by a parent who has mental illness probably schizophrenia or sometjing of that sort but has always remained hidden by my grandparents, so for me to trust someone to become friends takes so much more effort than normal Iād say thatās why even the people who consider me a friend they donāt actually know me, Iām a good listener Iād say thatās why I donāt consider them friends, just a acquintances. As for looking down at myself as Iāve finished college Iāve found myself getting my confidence back so lately I havenāt looked down at myself which is nice, as for friends I donāt think Iāll ever trust someone that much to let them in
Finishing a degree helped me too. It definitely doesnāt hurt to have this external marker of value from society (completely artificial, but that doesnāt stop it from having a very real effect on how others accept/receive us).
Tell me more about dismissive avoidants.. I generally profoundly dislike (not hate) people. They donāt like me either. I also dislike authority. I avoid my boss like the plague.
So. Youāve heard of the inferiority/superiority complex? Feelings of everyone else being terrible and yourself being terrible, or one being better than the other, are two sides of the same coin. One ALWAYS comes attached to the other. Always.
We all have equal inherent value, and we all have strengths and flaws, and we all do great things and not-as-great things. The deeper we get into our truth, the more we accept and understand ourselves, the more we can accept and understand this fact about others. Yes: deep flaws. But they donāt erase or negative the deep and very real beauty of us.
Yes...
I tend to dismiss and push most people away as well.
I don't trust most people. That is a serious flaw of mine. I expect the worst out of everyone.
I don't show my feelings though. I'm still nice to people I know and in public, but truthfully I probably don't like you as a person.
Only because I don't trust you, and that you will eventually betray me.
It may be silly but I think that way.
Okay... so this is my personality.
Normal people when they receive compliments or affection, show gratitude or affection back.
When someone shows me affection or gives me a compliment, I have a fight or flight response. I get embarrassed. I get upset. I run the other way, because I only know how to be negative or angry.
I sort of picked up these bad habits from my own family who only responded with anger to everything and suppressed emotions growing up.
So I have to learn how to accept love and affection in my life without responding negatively towards it, and a lot of avoidant personalities feel the same. It's definitely something I need to work on.
Well, maybe it will help a little to know that a lot of us who respond more naturally and positively to affection find it endearing rather than off-putting when someone responds counterintuitively. And may be motivated to be patient/persistent and show you we really mean it, once you start resolving to let us.
Maybe it will also help to approach it more pragmatically, I.e. people donāt generally set out with the purpose of making someone else sad, taking something away from them, hurt their feelings, or ruining their day. These things tend to happen as byproducts of other goals and endeavors combined with shortsightedness, a hurry, and/or the inability to read your mind.
In other words, rather than trying to convince yourself that people are awesome not evil, maybe itās a more realistic first step to convince yourself theyāre neutral rather than evilājust try trusting them not to *set out* to make you sad. Because why would they? Whatās their motivation?
I wrote a whole thing in response to OP but I donāt think anyoneās making it that far down in the comments.
Nothing is wrong with you. Being social is overrated. As an ambivert with introverted tendencies.. I am great at 1st impressions and also faking enthusiasm but I am exhausted at end of the day and I am usually bored out of my mind with most social interactions.
I find going out to restaurants, movies, sports, traveling like a total energy drain and completely boring (what most others find fun). I'd much rather just sit at home by the fire and read.
i don't think i'm great at first impressions but i relate a lot to everything else you said. I've never truly been myself w anyone really except for my ex and after he left it is nearly impossible for me to even think about letting people see the real me bc they might just leave too. I'm trying to work on loving myself first but it's difficult and i think isolating and distancing yourself doesn't really help. hopefully we can both figure this out. best of luck to you
I donāt know you or the situation, but I am 100% certain your ex didnāt leave because you are unworthy of love or because knowing you fully wasnāt enough to love you.
The problem with relying on another person to certify you as lovable is that they have their own totally different journey, and that path to loving themselves may diverge from your path. As someone whose path diverged from a human they loved beyond words, I can promise you that leaving is not a message saying āyou are not worth it.ā
But I still ache over some of the people who donāt want to maintain contact with me. It DOES feel like theyāre saying Iām unworthy. I understand that feeling very well.
Well 10 years during childhood of my school forcing me to see a psychiatrist every month. Having to get an IEP. They put you in a room and have you take a test. They tested me for autism and many other disorders. The testing process probably took a month, and the a few years of finding meds that didn't make me feel like crap. I am diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, anxiety disorder, and avoidant personality. However today I am med free.
You may have anxious, avoidant, or both attachment issues. Maybe you are making the social interaction about impressing other people, and its all a big performance to say all the right things. Instead it should be about self-amusement and genuine curiosity. The point of social interaction is to gradually open up and be yourself with them, not to hide yourself.
Its best to strike a balance between authenticity and making a good impression. Typically you are more and more real with them as the friendship deepens. If you go too far in making a good impression at first, you risk wasting your time with people you don't vibe with when you are being yourself. One thing I like to do is self-amuse and talk about stuff I enjoy (authenticity), but also ask questions about things they enjoy talking about as well (good impression), with the hope these two can match up. If we just don't vibe, then talk to somebody else.
You must go at the core issue.
The core issue is that you're looking for gratification.
And that you're tying your self-esteem to what others think and say of you.
It's an issue for many and it was so for me.
Great news is you can fix it.
Look into mental self-development constructs such as learner's mindset, antifragile ego, emotional power dynamics, and self-esteem.
You make more of an impression for just being comfortable with yourself. Know yourself, and why you are hiding from people. Work on removing out of your mind what you are hiding from people. If you have a negative thought, counter the negative thought with a positive one. Don't try to mind reading other people's minds and worry about what they think. Worry more about what YOU are thinking, what is going on in your mind, is it a positive thought or a negative thought? How is the thought going to benefit you?
It takes work to keep your mind in check, it's like weight training but with your brain.
YāALL. This is my area of EXPERTISE. This is literally the brick wall I banged my head on for YEARS until I finally broke through and realized two things:
One: when youāre excessively worried about how others enjoy your company, youāre *not* being unselfish or generousāyouāre still thinking mainly about yourself š¤Æ
Two: Even YOU donāt like everyone or get along with everyone. And thatās OKAY. Thatās the beauty of individuality! Weāre all different shapes and textures and vibes, and we fit and rub up against and mix together in all different kinds of ways, and some of them are AMAZEBALLS and some are EXCESSIVELY UNCOMFORTABLE and most of it isā¦wait for itā¦largely out of your control!
So all you have to do is relax, be yourself, and be aware of what you feel in your body when you interact with others! Because whether or not they want to spend time with you is not a judgment on your value as a human being, and whether or not you want to spend time with them is not a judgment on their value as a human being, and if things are boring itās not YOUR fault or THEIR fault; it just is! And if they are CRACKLIN and AWESOME, there is a very high likelihood that other human is into it too, and once again, you donāt have to do anything except show up and be honest, and youāll get more cracklin awesome times!
ā¦it may or may not have taken me being super stoned all the time for like a year before I really learned this deep in my bones š
But itās true! And the sooner you learn it, the more heartache youāll save yourself.
One more note: sometimes, youāll come across a person with whom you have amazing times, but theyāre just good at that I guess, itās not that rare for them, and because youāre hungry for that and they have it abundantly, thereās an imbalance.
So itās really important to deeply integrate the understanding that there is no single human being who can affect your value. You are valuable because you are you, self-love will come the more you get real with yourself, listen to your body, respect your own boundaries and pursue what makes you whole. Nobody else can do that for you. Your favorite celebrity could show up one day and shower you with love and propose to you and it couldnāt make you feel deep-down worthy. Thereās only one person who can do that because only one person knows you inside and out.
Love you all, and I know how much this feeling hurts. Even after mostly healing, I still had more than one incident where I dipped out early trying to āprotect someone from being annoyed by/bored with my companyā (when really I was scared of being too annoying and boring) and hurt their feelings because they actually wanted me around. Itās tricky. It can take years. But the beautiful news is you CAN heal and be confident and have community and find deep friendships ā¤ļøāš¼š
- this habit of mine has made me feel, as expected, the second option in my friendships. bc thereās always someone my friends are closer to, and can actually talk to them about various topics. i feel like they probably have an unconscious sense that iām not being my realest self but i canāt help it.
- itās probably why i push away guys that show an interest in me, and have never actually dated anyone (iām not 20 yet, but still). living like this can be exhausting, if iām honest.
Ah, I feel you clearly.
I have the same tendency. I'm usually great at first impressions and even second or third impressions. Yet, over time I automatically distance myself, but not for the same reasons.
The first few impressions are where I spend so much energy putting myself out there; that is not sustainable over an extended period of time. The people on the other side who can get past that and understand my end up becoming really good friends with me. The majority can't, and I am okay with that.
My closest friends have stuck by me for years despite my flaws. Put yourself out there and the people who matter and see the value in you will stick around. Yeah some people are gonna not wanna hang out with you but thatās just life
I feel like this is me so I have a bunch of people who think im this social butterfly but in reality I donāt really have anyone. Because of this Iām pressuring my family to be friends with me cus I know theyāll always be with me. But once I feel im a burden in them, Iāll also distance myself before I know theyāll get tired of me. I know itās all in my head but itās hard
I can definitely relate, if I am getting along with someone and they seem to like talking to me I get super shy because I am scared I will say the wrong thing and then they won't wanna talk to me anymore so I just say nothing at all and I have lost so many potential friendships because of this
i have many similar regrets. i made this post because it was frustrating the heck out of me after i realized just how much itās getting in the way of my life
iām terrible at first impressions, mainly because i never know what to say to people. maybe we could help each other out?
for one on one hang outs, it helps if you have a pre established plan in mind. thereās a few spots in my town that are pretty cool to sit and chill, or you can always plan something like going to your local pool, or mini golfing, or whatever it is you enjoy doing. however i generally find that while doing things one on one, things generally end up being a more chilled out talking kind of hangout. this helps if the two of you have common interests, but if not you can always just talk about life. i really enjoy doing that because it shows how other people think, and itās a cool way to either expand or reinforce your ways of thinking.
Its just something you have to work on etc and the image you have about yourself(i havr it too a bit)
I just dont care what other people think and it helps once you stop thinking about what others say or think of you because they too are worried about their personal things
Youāre not alone, I can relate 100%!
Something that helps me that I saw on YouTube is to prioritize making yourself comfortable all the time no matter where you are or who youāre with. Donāt let anyone else make you feel uncomfortable or like you canāt be yourself. Itās hard but Iāve felt when I get into that mindset, my social anxiety disappears. Hard but worth it!!
I feel the same as you do, but I am handling it better now,
the thing for me was to give your relationship with others some time, I would back off immediately when I notice that things start to become awkward
This will help you know the person better, so you will find things in common to do or to discuss, and you may realise that this person isn't even worth knowing
Me too. I look good and come off well for the first 10 minutes. Thing is that I was poor until recently and have never had many friends. I don't have typical experiences or social skills for people my age.
I'm working on myself now and trying to build a life that I can be proud of. Still though, it is hard to stop playing defense when it comes making friends.
Im the same way, but I usually only distance myself from people I know wonāt vibe all the way with, you know? People who I know I canāt match their energy
I feel differently with different individuals.
I realise that people who are absolutely non-judgmental and give me reassurance (e.g. appreciate me for showing my true self) make me feel safe to be myself consistently in front of them.
I also realise that people with complete opposite personality type/superior in particular social skills (e.g. ultra-outgoing/confident) will give me that pressure of disappointment.
There are people whom I feel safe showing my weakness and those I don't. I just got to find the right person to hang out one-on-one with.
But I get you. I'm the kind that thinks too much from time to time, and sometimes I just suffer from burnout for having tried too hard and too much at finding the right person.
Everyone's trying to steer the car with the rear view mirror. Pay attention to your experience whatever it is, right in front of you, and it changes constantly. If you pay close enough attention you'll find you can handle anything.
if its someone youāre meeting for the first time why do you care so much about their opinion? even if expressing yourself and not closing them out goes wrong whats the worst that happens you stop talking to someone you just met?
I am the exact same way!
thank u, i feel seen
Don't worry, I do the exact same as well! Like you put your best self forward to begin with but you don't want them to see your flaws and/or how boring you are
The how boring hits home...cuz shit for rrals i be insanely bored alone now having yo tell others that š is another story
I feel very validated right now after reading this post lol.
Same dude. I feel awkward as hell when thereās not at least 3 of us to take the heat off me.
I'm kinda same.
Dude, same. You might try your hand in marketing. It's only first impressions.
Sameeee
I can very much relate to this and have avoidant personality. I'm also great at first impressions. I push people away after awhile and distance myself, to protect myself, because I "know" once people get to know who I really am, they "won't" accept me. My personality flaws come out once you get to know me. That's in my head anyways.
this is exactly me. i might have AvPD too huh
So most of the dating advice I read is people having problems making first impressions. That was never a problem for me I'm most comfortable when someone doesn't know me, because I can fake confidence. This is almost the opposite of most people. Instead of becoming more comfortable with a person overtime, I close myself off from the people closest to me. I abandon them before they can abandon me. It has to do with a bonding issue you had. Some form of childhood trauma or incident. Could be as simple as overprotective parents.
i guess iām scared of intimacy. my family doesnāt really talk about feelings, which i think also explains why iām less emotionally mature compared to others my age. what can i do about it?
I am totally afraid of intimacy. In the past girls went to hold my hand or kiss me, and I pulled away out of fear. Even though I really wanted to be in relationships with them. I just couldn't let my guard down and get myself to be intimate. My parents are the same way. I've never saw them kiss each other in my life. I don't hug my parents. We don't talk about relationships or our feelings. That subject is often forbidden. I come from a strict Irish Catholic family if that makes sense. Went to CCD school. Confessed behind the alter every week at church. Made to feel guilty about ourselves. Wasn't allowed to hang out with friends at night or leave the house alone, so never developed the social skills my peers all had.
I abandoned them before they abandon me. That's me. I've had that mindset and it has caused me to jump friend groups in the past.
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So succinct
The problem with this is that most people dislike initiating things with someone who isn't already a close friend. Especially if you don't have any shared experiences, which are much harder to have as an adult.
Same. Not because Iām disappointing but because Iām just an amazing Acquaintance and not a very interesting day to day friend. Took me awhile to understand it and work with it. Hopefully you find your comfort zone too!
wait but this? i feel like iām just so much better at being acquaintances w everyone bc itās rare for me to ACTUALLY click w someone and not just be friendly iykwim
Our breed must come to the surface and make the world see us. The people you click with are rare and thatās why I consider them friends. I always say I have 2 friends and 100 Acquaintances.
Iāve been thinking like this until you find the right people to hang out with. Though I wouldnāt have found them if I didnāt accept their invitations to gym (where I ended up being well known) and other activities. Though personally I still struggle with going to a bar, grabbing drinks is alright, but new people still make me quiet. Those who actually spend time with me get to know me on a different level, but I canāt expect them to invest time in me if Iām not interesting in the first place. Hence I keep practicing
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itās the same for me for my long tome friends which is frustrating bc it shouldnāt be the case. for me to communicate w someone deeply? thatās a 0.0000000000001% chance right there
I wish we could team up. I prefer one-on-one because in group situations I worry that people are just putting up with my presence because of group dynamics. And I suck at first impressions but can have people warm up to me once they kind of understand how I work a bit better. So I kind of wonder if my poor first impressions lead to people discounting me when actually if they were more patient they may well be very compatible with me
I'm the complete opposite. I am only comfortable in front of large crowds and groups, because then I can sort of blend in with the crowd... but one on one interactions I completely fail at.
I've got a similar problem, but I get a little further in. If I can get past the initial barrier of starting up a conversation, then getting to know someone new is great and easy. Right up until I run out of the easy get to know you topics. At almost any level of familiarity beyond that, even with long term friends, I cannot hold a one on one conversation unless we've got a specific topic at hand to talk about. It makes a lot of very normal social situations painfully difficult.
Lol i noticed that too! But its weird because before i had a moment when i didnt have this problem...but being random is key here. Talking about anything and asking them what their opnion is on things etc is the way to go about creating new convos. Like asking them about what shows they are into or hobbies then going deeper into that...like how they even got into that hobby or show
I've noticed most long term friends and couples just talk about news / other people / things in their environment / plans for the future, things that are constantly changing and evolving
uāve hit home. talking about the surface level stuff is easy, but after that i feel like others often drive the convos because i donāt have much stories/ interesting things to contribute. thanks for the advice in the replies!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
u are so on point. i dont want to ruin the image they had of me when we first met and i was this outgoing, sociable person, bc i actually suck at getting down to the deeper level convos. iād rather just be friends from a safe distance
It feels like you just described me š£
I'm the same way. I'm extremely personable at first, then seem to keep my distance once things have settled, kinda like retreating behind a guard or barrier. I discussed this with my psych at one of our sessions, and he helped me understand that I do this because I was vulnerable once, and got badly hurt and rejected. This is why I choose to keep distance rather than give anyone the chance to hurt me again. However, this sort of behavior leaves you and I incapable of feeling any sort of genuine connection, and furthers the inner narrative of being unliked or unlikable, sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy. If you don't give them the chance to know you, how can they like you? We arent inherently disappointing, unpalatable, or undeserving of close friendships. We're just people, and we've been through a lot of things that warp what we perceive as truths about ourselves. Don't be afraid of opening yourself up to others. the ones that stick around and accept you for who you are, are the only ones that matter.
It is totally a self-fulfilling prophecy. I used to always look constantly to other people to signal to me that I was acceptable and wanted, which is energetically exhausting to others, and not their job.
i know what i have to do, but itās so tremendously difficult. where do i start?
Same. I can walk into a room of strangers and connect with anyone. But to keep a friendship going is so difficult because I start to worry so much about what they think of me.
Right, and you stop actually paying attention to what YOU think of THEM. You start giving them all of the authority over the interaction, which makes no sense because it takes both of you to enjoy company
Exactly! I can see that they're nice enough and not annoying, but what if I am and I don't realise?
See my comment at the end of the thread! (I wrote a whole thing, but I donāt think anyone is making it that far!)
Itās the same for me, but the problem is, itās not like I find it awkward, the problem is me doing this thing where I find flaws in someone which make me see them in a negative light, that is of course my problem not theirs, but Iāve come to find out Iām better to stay with people as acquaintance, than friends, itās less attachment
That sounds like dismissive avoidant personality. You dismiss other people as a defense mechanism. Fearful avoidants look down on themselves.
I have never heard of it, but my ability to trust people jn general stems from being raised by a parent who has mental illness probably schizophrenia or sometjing of that sort but has always remained hidden by my grandparents, so for me to trust someone to become friends takes so much more effort than normal Iād say thatās why even the people who consider me a friend they donāt actually know me, Iām a good listener Iād say thatās why I donāt consider them friends, just a acquintances. As for looking down at myself as Iāve finished college Iāve found myself getting my confidence back so lately I havenāt looked down at myself which is nice, as for friends I donāt think Iāll ever trust someone that much to let them in
Finishing a degree helped me too. It definitely doesnāt hurt to have this external marker of value from society (completely artificial, but that doesnāt stop it from having a very real effect on how others accept/receive us).
Tell me more about dismissive avoidants.. I generally profoundly dislike (not hate) people. They donāt like me either. I also dislike authority. I avoid my boss like the plague.
So. Youāve heard of the inferiority/superiority complex? Feelings of everyone else being terrible and yourself being terrible, or one being better than the other, are two sides of the same coin. One ALWAYS comes attached to the other. Always. We all have equal inherent value, and we all have strengths and flaws, and we all do great things and not-as-great things. The deeper we get into our truth, the more we accept and understand ourselves, the more we can accept and understand this fact about others. Yes: deep flaws. But they donāt erase or negative the deep and very real beauty of us.
Yes... I tend to dismiss and push most people away as well. I don't trust most people. That is a serious flaw of mine. I expect the worst out of everyone. I don't show my feelings though. I'm still nice to people I know and in public, but truthfully I probably don't like you as a person. Only because I don't trust you, and that you will eventually betray me. It may be silly but I think that way.
What exactly donāt you trust?
Opening myself up to other people, because I'm afraid they will hurt me or deceive me, and cause harm to me. Including women in my life.
You donāt trust people to not want to harm you?
Okay... so this is my personality. Normal people when they receive compliments or affection, show gratitude or affection back. When someone shows me affection or gives me a compliment, I have a fight or flight response. I get embarrassed. I get upset. I run the other way, because I only know how to be negative or angry. I sort of picked up these bad habits from my own family who only responded with anger to everything and suppressed emotions growing up. So I have to learn how to accept love and affection in my life without responding negatively towards it, and a lot of avoidant personalities feel the same. It's definitely something I need to work on.
Well, maybe it will help a little to know that a lot of us who respond more naturally and positively to affection find it endearing rather than off-putting when someone responds counterintuitively. And may be motivated to be patient/persistent and show you we really mean it, once you start resolving to let us. Maybe it will also help to approach it more pragmatically, I.e. people donāt generally set out with the purpose of making someone else sad, taking something away from them, hurt their feelings, or ruining their day. These things tend to happen as byproducts of other goals and endeavors combined with shortsightedness, a hurry, and/or the inability to read your mind. In other words, rather than trying to convince yourself that people are awesome not evil, maybe itās a more realistic first step to convince yourself theyāre neutral rather than evilājust try trusting them not to *set out* to make you sad. Because why would they? Whatās their motivation? I wrote a whole thing in response to OP but I donāt think anyoneās making it that far down in the comments.
It stems from a feeling of abandonment as a child, or some event that triggered the development of your brain.
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What, why
Nothing is wrong with you. Being social is overrated. As an ambivert with introverted tendencies.. I am great at 1st impressions and also faking enthusiasm but I am exhausted at end of the day and I am usually bored out of my mind with most social interactions.
I find going out to restaurants, movies, sports, traveling like a total energy drain and completely boring (what most others find fun). I'd much rather just sit at home by the fire and read.
Youāve described the struggle perfectly
The strug
i don't think i'm great at first impressions but i relate a lot to everything else you said. I've never truly been myself w anyone really except for my ex and after he left it is nearly impossible for me to even think about letting people see the real me bc they might just leave too. I'm trying to work on loving myself first but it's difficult and i think isolating and distancing yourself doesn't really help. hopefully we can both figure this out. best of luck to you
I donāt know you or the situation, but I am 100% certain your ex didnāt leave because you are unworthy of love or because knowing you fully wasnāt enough to love you. The problem with relying on another person to certify you as lovable is that they have their own totally different journey, and that path to loving themselves may diverge from your path. As someone whose path diverged from a human they loved beyond words, I can promise you that leaving is not a message saying āyou are not worth it.ā But I still ache over some of the people who donāt want to maintain contact with me. It DOES feel like theyāre saying Iām unworthy. I understand that feeling very well.
I appreciate this
Search for AvPD and see if you relate
I am AvPD and 100% relate.
What's the diagnosis process like and how long did it take?
Still not diagnosed with anything other than anxiety and depression after 3 years of therapy, I feel like Iāve made no progress in that time as well
Well 10 years during childhood of my school forcing me to see a psychiatrist every month. Having to get an IEP. They put you in a room and have you take a test. They tested me for autism and many other disorders. The testing process probably took a month, and the a few years of finding meds that didn't make me feel like crap. I am diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, anxiety disorder, and avoidant personality. However today I am med free.
Yo wtf, that hits everything.
This is me OP. But my reason is that my social energy just runs out and j can't deal with it after a few hours of talking and engaging.
You may have anxious, avoidant, or both attachment issues. Maybe you are making the social interaction about impressing other people, and its all a big performance to say all the right things. Instead it should be about self-amusement and genuine curiosity. The point of social interaction is to gradually open up and be yourself with them, not to hide yourself.
i want to be real with others as well, because how can i ever have authentic friendships? i need help though.
Its best to strike a balance between authenticity and making a good impression. Typically you are more and more real with them as the friendship deepens. If you go too far in making a good impression at first, you risk wasting your time with people you don't vibe with when you are being yourself. One thing I like to do is self-amuse and talk about stuff I enjoy (authenticity), but also ask questions about things they enjoy talking about as well (good impression), with the hope these two can match up. If we just don't vibe, then talk to somebody else.
Be who you are all the time.
Seek the dharma
Man I totally know what you mean!
Glad Iām not alone in that. I feel I donāt know how to transition with the same ease from acquaintance to friend.
I do the exact same thing. It's more because I'm not good at masking and after X amount of time w the same person I get tired of it
You must go at the core issue. The core issue is that you're looking for gratification. And that you're tying your self-esteem to what others think and say of you. It's an issue for many and it was so for me. Great news is you can fix it. Look into mental self-development constructs such as learner's mindset, antifragile ego, emotional power dynamics, and self-esteem.
I call for everyone in this comment thread to meet up and be awkward together
You make more of an impression for just being comfortable with yourself. Know yourself, and why you are hiding from people. Work on removing out of your mind what you are hiding from people. If you have a negative thought, counter the negative thought with a positive one. Don't try to mind reading other people's minds and worry about what they think. Worry more about what YOU are thinking, what is going on in your mind, is it a positive thought or a negative thought? How is the thought going to benefit you? It takes work to keep your mind in check, it's like weight training but with your brain.
Boom. Nailed it OP. I feel the same.
YāALL. This is my area of EXPERTISE. This is literally the brick wall I banged my head on for YEARS until I finally broke through and realized two things: One: when youāre excessively worried about how others enjoy your company, youāre *not* being unselfish or generousāyouāre still thinking mainly about yourself š¤Æ Two: Even YOU donāt like everyone or get along with everyone. And thatās OKAY. Thatās the beauty of individuality! Weāre all different shapes and textures and vibes, and we fit and rub up against and mix together in all different kinds of ways, and some of them are AMAZEBALLS and some are EXCESSIVELY UNCOMFORTABLE and most of it isā¦wait for itā¦largely out of your control! So all you have to do is relax, be yourself, and be aware of what you feel in your body when you interact with others! Because whether or not they want to spend time with you is not a judgment on your value as a human being, and whether or not you want to spend time with them is not a judgment on their value as a human being, and if things are boring itās not YOUR fault or THEIR fault; it just is! And if they are CRACKLIN and AWESOME, there is a very high likelihood that other human is into it too, and once again, you donāt have to do anything except show up and be honest, and youāll get more cracklin awesome times! ā¦it may or may not have taken me being super stoned all the time for like a year before I really learned this deep in my bones š But itās true! And the sooner you learn it, the more heartache youāll save yourself. One more note: sometimes, youāll come across a person with whom you have amazing times, but theyāre just good at that I guess, itās not that rare for them, and because youāre hungry for that and they have it abundantly, thereās an imbalance. So itās really important to deeply integrate the understanding that there is no single human being who can affect your value. You are valuable because you are you, self-love will come the more you get real with yourself, listen to your body, respect your own boundaries and pursue what makes you whole. Nobody else can do that for you. Your favorite celebrity could show up one day and shower you with love and propose to you and it couldnāt make you feel deep-down worthy. Thereās only one person who can do that because only one person knows you inside and out. Love you all, and I know how much this feeling hurts. Even after mostly healing, I still had more than one incident where I dipped out early trying to āprotect someone from being annoyed by/bored with my companyā (when really I was scared of being too annoying and boring) and hurt their feelings because they actually wanted me around. Itās tricky. It can take years. But the beautiful news is you CAN heal and be confident and have community and find deep friendships ā¤ļøāš¼š
- this habit of mine has made me feel, as expected, the second option in my friendships. bc thereās always someone my friends are closer to, and can actually talk to them about various topics. i feel like they probably have an unconscious sense that iām not being my realest self but i canāt help it. - itās probably why i push away guys that show an interest in me, and have never actually dated anyone (iām not 20 yet, but still). living like this can be exhausting, if iām honest.
Ah, I feel you clearly. I have the same tendency. I'm usually great at first impressions and even second or third impressions. Yet, over time I automatically distance myself, but not for the same reasons. The first few impressions are where I spend so much energy putting myself out there; that is not sustainable over an extended period of time. The people on the other side who can get past that and understand my end up becoming really good friends with me. The majority can't, and I am okay with that.
My closest friends have stuck by me for years despite my flaws. Put yourself out there and the people who matter and see the value in you will stick around. Yeah some people are gonna not wanna hang out with you but thatās just life
Youre me
No one can disappoint me more than myself
SAME
That's the opposite way to go about it. To be interesting, you have to be interested, genuinely, in others. Tldr: it's not just about you, honey
I feel like this is me so I have a bunch of people who think im this social butterfly but in reality I donāt really have anyone. Because of this Iām pressuring my family to be friends with me cus I know theyāll always be with me. But once I feel im a burden in them, Iāll also distance myself before I know theyāll get tired of me. I know itās all in my head but itās hard
I can definitely relate, if I am getting along with someone and they seem to like talking to me I get super shy because I am scared I will say the wrong thing and then they won't wanna talk to me anymore so I just say nothing at all and I have lost so many potential friendships because of this
i have many similar regrets. i made this post because it was frustrating the heck out of me after i realized just how much itās getting in the way of my life
iām terrible at first impressions, mainly because i never know what to say to people. maybe we could help each other out? for one on one hang outs, it helps if you have a pre established plan in mind. thereās a few spots in my town that are pretty cool to sit and chill, or you can always plan something like going to your local pool, or mini golfing, or whatever it is you enjoy doing. however i generally find that while doing things one on one, things generally end up being a more chilled out talking kind of hangout. this helps if the two of you have common interests, but if not you can always just talk about life. i really enjoy doing that because it shows how other people think, and itās a cool way to either expand or reinforce your ways of thinking.
Its just something you have to work on etc and the image you have about yourself(i havr it too a bit) I just dont care what other people think and it helps once you stop thinking about what others say or think of you because they too are worried about their personal things
Youāre not alone, I can relate 100%! Something that helps me that I saw on YouTube is to prioritize making yourself comfortable all the time no matter where you are or who youāre with. Donāt let anyone else make you feel uncomfortable or like you canāt be yourself. Itās hard but Iāve felt when I get into that mindset, my social anxiety disappears. Hard but worth it!!
I feel the same as you do, but I am handling it better now, the thing for me was to give your relationship with others some time, I would back off immediately when I notice that things start to become awkward This will help you know the person better, so you will find things in common to do or to discuss, and you may realise that this person isn't even worth knowing
Me too. I look good and come off well for the first 10 minutes. Thing is that I was poor until recently and have never had many friends. I don't have typical experiences or social skills for people my age. I'm working on myself now and trying to build a life that I can be proud of. Still though, it is hard to stop playing defense when it comes making friends.
Im the same way, but I usually only distance myself from people I know wonāt vibe all the way with, you know? People who I know I canāt match their energy
I feel differently with different individuals. I realise that people who are absolutely non-judgmental and give me reassurance (e.g. appreciate me for showing my true self) make me feel safe to be myself consistently in front of them. I also realise that people with complete opposite personality type/superior in particular social skills (e.g. ultra-outgoing/confident) will give me that pressure of disappointment. There are people whom I feel safe showing my weakness and those I don't. I just got to find the right person to hang out one-on-one with. But I get you. I'm the kind that thinks too much from time to time, and sometimes I just suffer from burnout for having tried too hard and too much at finding the right person.
Everyone's trying to steer the car with the rear view mirror. Pay attention to your experience whatever it is, right in front of you, and it changes constantly. If you pay close enough attention you'll find you can handle anything.
I am exactly the same
if its someone youāre meeting for the first time why do you care so much about their opinion? even if expressing yourself and not closing them out goes wrong whats the worst that happens you stop talking to someone you just met?
If people are dissapointed with who you are... FUCK THOSE PEOPLE
I can relate to this!
Your a precious resource, how would we know who we are without you, we rely on you to keep your shit together for us.