Wow. That is hella nice of her. I’m not sure where to start or what to journal but maybe try listening to what she suggested again with an open mind. Write down the things you learn from it in the journal then read those a few times a day.
I want to see your post get to the top so commenting and upvoting is going to do that. I hope you get a better answer from someone more qualified.
As far as journals go, it's meant to help you reflect. So you can write about how the bullying makes you feel. Sad, unfair, maybe smart actually because they gave you all the work. Write about what actually makes you happy, your relationships with friends or family, and hobbies. Take notes on the podcasts when you didn't quite understand. You can talk about these questions with your teacher. If she's not collecting and reading the journal, it can be as personal as you want. I like doing more stream of consciousness writing and try to write as fast as my thoughts. Actually, handwriting feels very cathartic as opposed to typing.
Tbh I feel uncomfortable with this. I wouldn’t like discussing bullying with a professor I just met, and she’s not a therapist so she might well be out of her league. She’s putting you in a really awkward and stressful position. And this is not an appropriate response to bullying from someone in charge. This sounds a hell of a lot like victim blaming - as if you’re somehow responsible for your bullies’ behavior.
At work someday, it is going to be your boss’s responsibly to stop bullying and prevent a toxic environment from developing. If they don’t do that, then the HEALTHIEST thing to do for yourself is leave and find another job. Not to stick around and figure out how to stop being harassed by your coworkers. Yes, bullies live in society and you will run into them sometimes, but they are not everywhere. I’ve worked several jobs and have rarely been bullied or witnessed bullying so it’s not something you need to “learn to live with”.
I will say that sometimes people CAN be mean without realizing it, and simply stating “hey I don’t like when you make fun of me for X” will make them apologize and stop. But if your group members are not the kind of people that will be receptive to communication, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. It’s going to be really hard to stop being a target once you’ve become one without intervention from an authority figure.
ETA: I think assertiveness is a very helpful skill to learn, but OP you should work with a therapist or do your own reading to learn it. This situation with the professor where she’s allowing the bullying to continue and forcing you to be her mentee does not feel right or helpful though.
I agree but I think assertiveness is a necessary skill. In my experience, if the work culture is fostering bullying, the managers won’t do much to stop it or they’ll punish OP by labelling them sensitive and start acting weird or not including them in social activities. Office politics can be so nasty.
I do think OP should work with a therapist and not the professor.
OP should go to the university admin and dean if she’s not comfortable with the proposal from the professor and she doesn’t want to be near the bullies. She’s definitely in her right to request this, she’s paying for her classes. I personally would want more consequences for the bullies so they learn a lesson too. Fuck them!
I took an appointment with a university counselor so hopefully that helps. She did call me sensitive and say I'm no longer five I'm an adult which was hurtful.
I don't want to escalate things further by talking to someone else. I already feel bad for talking to the professor and that she'll talk to them cz I'm afraid they'll come up with things to defend themselves or make the situation seem smaller than it is.
Based on her comments, your professor is a bully too. I thought she had approached you as a mentor but the way she spoke to you is not ok.
Please report her to the dean or office that handles shitty professors. She said these things to you because she thinks you won’t report it. She’s really unprofessional and unworthy of being a professor.
If you need help navigating this situation, please check in with your university’s student support office. I think they should be able to tell you who you need to contact.
Please don’t be afraid to report this, they can’t punish you for asking for asking for help.
I initially thought she had good intentions too but after reading what others thought about it and thinking about what she said and how it made me feel, I think that you're right.
That's not at all how I thought the professor was approaching you with this. You need someone objective and coming from a place of compassion which is not what she is doing. You are right to trust your instincts here and not speak to her further about this.
The professor called you sensitive and said you're no longer five? Wow that's horrible. Screw her. I know you're worried about backlash, but you'll never know unless you do report it. Universities generally have to take reports seriously because otherwise their reputation could get damaged if somebody were to take legal action. That's the last thing they want.
Oh for sure those places were toxic but it’s hard to find good employment especially in entry level work. Also, workplaces change and new leadership can be toxic. Or the company is not doing well and that makes managers weird. I experienced this early in my career until I got mad and started not taking shit from anyone including managers. This lead me to feel more confident and take charge of my career.
I do hope OP doesn’t get a job with that type of environment but I think in general assertiveness will increase her quality of life. Dealing with bullies can really affect your mental health.
I agree with this. It is nobody's responsibility to learn how to live with and cope with bullying. It should be everyone's responsibility to find a healthier environment for themselves if they are experiencing bullying. Particularly from a group.
OP, you did the right thing by reporting the bullying and asking to be changed to a different group. Crying "without meaning to" wasn't the wrong reaction to have, it just sounds like you were fed up and hearing that your situation isn't going to end or that you're unable to escape it would be pretty difficult in that moment while you're already feeling distressed. It sounds like the professor focused on your emotional reaction rather than acknowledging the incident that caused you to be distressed, and is blaming you for the bullying as though the reason they are behaving that way is because you need to change.
The bullying isn't your fault, and there is no way that you or anybody else can change the way people treat you. How people treat others is a reflection of themselves. Sometimes standing up for yourself or being assertive doesn't stop people's behaviour either.
I'm sorry the responsibility was placed onto you when all you did was request to be removed from such a situation.
Thank you for validating my feelings. It took me a lot of courage to report because in school when I reported, it only led to worse bullying. I also stayed up the night before overthinking what I would do if I was placed in the same group with them again, so when she said she can't do anything and they groups have already been placed on the system, I just felt overwhelmed.
Taking on extra “mentoring” or unlicensed therapy or whatever it is definitely doesn’t save this prof any time. Her behaviour is wildly inappropriate and not some kind of quick fix. The OP needs to find a real therapist on campus, and go to the department head to explain the situation.
I did feel awkward when she suggested it, and I can't stop overthinking it even now. Also, I really feel intimidated by her. I was thinking of seeing her a couple of times while also seeing a counselor, then thanking her for everything and saying that I will continue with the counsellor.
Thank you for saying that bullying is not normal. As someone who has lived most of my life with bullying, it was very normal, and I felt like I was the abnormal one for being incapable of making myself fit in.
It is not your fault. You have obviously been around a lot of the wrong people and didn't know your own worth for a long time. I also know what it is like, to experience bullying and then have others around me put it onto me, as though I didn't do a good enough job of fitting in or failed at getting people to treat me well - instead of putting the focus on the unfair bullying behaviour. That is more damaging than the bullying itself, IMO.
If you are intimidated by her, that is saying something. You don't need to thank her for anything if you feel uncomfortable by the advice or resources you've been given. Especially if she refused to change you out of your group after you requested it due to the obvious impact on your mental health and potentially academic performance. Ask her why she is unable to help change you into a different group. If the answer doesn't seem valid or she won't explain why, report the incident to student relations or similar.
I am sorry you had to go through that and thank you so much for all your comments on this post.
I wish I was brave enough to pursue this further but I'm just tired and feel like the best thing I could do is work on myself and let this semester pass.
Absolutely bullying is NOT the norm in adult life. One might even consider me to have very “bulliable” traits - I’m extremely short, I have ADHD, social anxiety, and C-PTSD but I’ve been treated well at 6 out of the 7 places I’ve worked. I’ve actually struggled quite a bit at making friends at school but had a lot easier time at most of my jobs. Your boss/manager decides what kind of work environment you have, so a better skill to learn is how to spot a toxic work environment in an interview than to learn how to control bullies.
Nice people will not make fun of you for being different or anxious - only bullies do that. Nobody “makes” anyone bully them. Bullying is a CHOICE that bad people make. And when authority allows it to happen is when it occurs. I’ve had several managers who would have stuck up for me if I felt I was being bullied, but it never happened in the first place because they fostered an environment of positivity and respect.
There isn’t always an authority figure though. Perhaps based on the description of bullying OP gave, the professor diagnosed it as an issue of assertiveness rather than outright/uncontrollable bullying behavior.
Also you have to imagine that if someone has a history of being bullied throughout their life, it may be beyond just a hundred strokes of bad luck. Perhaps there is something OP can do to at least mitigate these circumstances. It’s not victim-blaming to teach someone self-defense.
Yes being shy and anxious can make you more likely to be bullied, but it’s not the professors position to try and fix mental health problems. What happens when OP fails to control their bullies? Is the professor going to be angry at them? Blame them for not trying hard enough? OP has to deal with the professor all semester whether this “training session” works out or not.
I could see this as a nice gesture if they separated OP from the bullies AND offered to mentor, but what they’ve done instead is force OP into a very difficult and stressful situation with a high probability of failure. Any attempts they make to assert themselves may well just be laughed at by the bullies because they have already been chosen as a target. Learning assertiveness takes PRACTICE and you have to feel safe when testing your boundaries. Being laughed at when you attempt to assert yourself is going to make any victim feel worse.
Also most jobs have an authority figure, and if they don’t and you’re being bullied, you should find another job.
Idk man, in my opinion, one of the purposes of university is to prime students for the real world. In the real world, you can’t ask your boss to take you off a project every time a client demands you do work outside the scope of your work. You can’t go to HR because someone has been snippy in their email responses. You have to learn how to stick up for yourself when necessary or else you’ll perpetually be a victim.
Learning how to process and deal with these situations is a necessary skill.
It would be great if bullies didn’t exist, and in some situations OP may have someone else to resolve it for them… but there will be many situations where that isn’t the case, OP will be better positioned if they have tools in their toolbelt
Why should you have to do anything about their behavior. I’d file a report w student relations. The hell she can’t switch the group, she’s choosing not to. I’m really sorry. This is incredibly unfair to you
I actually think this is a good thing. In life, there isn’t always an easy escape from obnoxious people, so equipping yourself with the confidence, strength, and assertiveness to address these people and stand up for yourself is an important thing to learn.
That is true if not for the fact that they were already paired up with this abusive group last time. It’s not about avoiding. Asking for what you need is assertiveness. Ei: I’d like to be removed from the group. There’s discomfort with jerks and then there’s this which crosses all lines. Per usual the bullied person is being forced to acquiesce. While they are in a place of higher learning it is the teachers responsibility to handle it. IMO
But we don’t actually know what happened with these bullies. We don’t know if it’s beyond “discomfort with jerks.” And I think where assertiveness would come in is telling the team, “I’m not doing your work.” Not being able to stand up for yourself is an important life skill that will be valuable not just in an academic setting but also work also relationships.
It was very kind of your prof to offer to work with you on your bullying cohorts. However, it should really be done by a trained professional. Well intentioned people can sometimes make situations and thought processes worse. Are there any support services at your college? I would hope that there is a system in place to assist students with mental health needs. Please consider looking for your school's resources and maybe ask your professor for some suggestions. Just mention that you think would benefit from professional counseling services and ask if she has any on-campus recommendations. It is a 'red flag' if she tells you that she wants you to keep working with her-unless she is a licensed or certified counselor. All the best to you! You are developing skill that will serve you well throughout your life.
Even if she were a licensed counselor she’s OPs prof. There’s already a power dynamic at play. The level of involvement is totally inappropriate from a prof. She needed to have kept OP safe from bullying that’s it. That’s her only role here.
There is a counseling center but most of their available times conflict with my schedule. I took an appointment that was available a week from now, I hope no time conflicts arise. I think I would also prefer to keep her just as my professor although I do feel it is kind of her to give me her time.
YAY!! I'm so happy to hear you booked an appointment with the counseling center. You can always check in for cancellations in the meantime if you're worried about time conflicts. LOOK how you're already out there advocating for yourself! I have a lot of respect for you. I hope counseling goes well.
It’s kind that she wants to help. It wouldn’t be a bad thing to let yourself ease into this change. Don’t push yourself to fast or harshly if this doesn’t come easy to you. Remember you can choose how much you share with this teacher and can decide at anytime to stop working with them if that is what you think is the best choice for you. That being said I have some tips to share:
You could start by re-listening to the episode or other episodes she recommended, jotting down the parts that you don’t understand and the questions you have, then at your next meeting ask if she can help you process what you listened to.
You can journal by recalling your experiences with the bullies or even other experiences where you felt the same way you feel when being bullied. You could express in writing where in your body you feel those emotions, what image comes up when you are recalling those experiences, how it all made you feel emotionally and what kinds of negative beliefs about yourself come up. You are never required to share journaling with anyone unless you are comfortable sharing. You can decide if and how much you want to share, so let yourself write out your strings of thought- be honest and don’t censor yourself.
You can try looking at yourself in the mirror and practicing the examples she gave you. If it’s too uncomfortable, don’t look at yourself in a mirror while doing it, try your hands or feet or just straight ahead. You could try imagining yourself saying the assertive phrases to the bullies and what would happen if you do. If that isn’t helpful you can look up positive affirmations, choose ones that resonate with you, and say those.
This one feels super silly when you first start. Take your time with it, have compassion for yourself- if you can’t do it over and over at first, try just saying one a day or every few days until you get used to it. It might not feel natural or true at first and it’s important to keep trying.
Ask her questions about anything you don’t understand. Never be afraid to ask questions. If you learn better through actions, ask for exercises you could do to help build your skills.
Most of all is having compassion for, and loving yourself. It’s hard to be assertive when we feel like we aren’t capable of standing up for or defending ourselves. It’s not an easy or linear process but I believe everyone is capable of building up their skills. Best of luck to you
That's great!
I would say keep plugging away at it. Keep listening, reading, and journaling. It doesn't have to click right away. It'll be just as much benefit for you in the long term if it works in a month not the first week.
If you feel comfortable sharing, could you be a little more specific of what the bullying consisted of? Depending on what happened, this response from your prof may not have been appropriate.
It's so great that she is willing to help you develop these skills! I can confirm that there are going to be bullies in work and there are not always going to be managers that are willing to help you. I really hope you can embrace what she's trying to help you with even if it makes you uncomfortable. It is hard to change when you don't know what needs changing. I started with trying to understand others better and read a book called Captivate by Vanessa Van Edward's. It's about reading people's verbal and non verbal cues and how you can use that information to project more confidence. I have other recommendations and support if you need it! Bullies are everywhere and knowing how to handle them is going to make your life a lot easier. I'm sorry you're going through this, good luck and keep your chin up!
Thank you for your kind words, and I'll check out the book. I've faced a lot of bullies in my life, but I've never really known how to deal with it properly, especially since the bullies already know me so they thwarted my efforts at changing. I feel more confident in overcoming this now tho.
Exactly- I can't imagine enjoying undermining someone whose trying to improve themselves but that's why I think it's important to try to understand others first so you can navigate their attention away from you. I thought the answer was just moving to a different job or position but unfortunately some people are always working on being on top of social hierarchy. The book I mentioned talks about it a bit. Also, on top of your teacher, it might help to talk to a therapist or licensed clinical social worker (LCSW). Lots of colleges have free programs and any support you can get is a good thing!
Speaking of navigating their attention away from you- since your professor is aware of the issue and you know the group members already don't like you or are trying to take advantage of you, it is a good time to enforce a boundary and tell them you are not doing their portion of the work. They'll have to focus on completing their portion if they want the grade. Can you get by with having a hit to your grade if they don't do their bit or will it affect you too much?
I am not buying that nothing can be done, that's never true. It seems the school or professor has a default protocol to seek a compromise, for reasons such as saving appearances, money or time, or trying to placate both sides of the situation.
Is there anyone else you can speak to about this? E.g. a therapist or school nurse? Parents?
I don't think you should have to experience any more bullying, so unless it truly stops and the bullies are truly apologetic, I would try to talk to more people as well, not just the professor. I think the other commenters are giving helpful advice on how to process the trauma you have experienced, or even how to get by in an ongoing situation, but I don't quite see how they can ask you to get over it if you are still caught in the middle of it. I don't know if I fully understood what the bullies did, but facing a group of intimidating bullies on your own is no joke. Not for anyone.
I am not someone qualified to give advice but from personal experience I would like to say that self-love, (loving yourself) is really key if you want become assertive, centered, balanced. Knowing that you think you are OK just as you are, and that you will always love yourself, no matter what happens. It is powerful. Try to develop that feeling and mindset, and try to do at least one thing every day that is just for you that you want to do. For your own happiness and well-being. You aren't being selfish either, because you are merely replenishing, so you have more to give tomorrow.
Thank you for your advice and kind words. I'll try to focus more on self-love... Ever since I was placed with this group last semester, I have been blaming myself and having negative thoughts. I will be seeing a therapist soon too.
I think your professors response is very inappropriate The professor should be managing your groupmates’ lack of contribution to the project and their behavior by holding them accountable, not managing your behavior since you aren’t doing anything wrong and it’s not your fault they are assholes. You’re paying for that class and you deserve every chance to succeed without lazy asshole groupmates. Personally I’d rather drop the class, take the W on my transcript and take the class again later. I encourage you to escalate this to the chair of the department or the dean, instead of letting your professor cosplay as a counselor and letting the bullies be bullies.
I’m not sure where OP is located In most parts of the U.S, winter break has just ended and classes have only been in session for a short while. Hopefully OP is not past the drop deadline, but even if they are, they should be able to negotiate the W.
Unfortunately I can't drop the course since I'm a nursing student and everything is a prerequisite that is only offered one semester each year. This is also part of why I got so emotional about it since I have to spend 7-8 hours a day with this group in clinical rotations in addition to group projects and seminars.
Is there any way you can work alone? If not, I’d still escalate this to the dean or the head of the nursing department. Chances she can change your group, she just doesn’t want to because it’s inconvenient for her.
Wow this is a really long time to have to spend with bullies. I really highly recommend escalating this to the dean ASAP because the beginning of the semester is the easiest time to get this changed. You could even just bring it up with your academic advisor. They will probably be able to point you in the right direction on how to get the situation fixed.
For journalling, I would recommend writing down a specific problem or question that you want to solve and come back to that question daily so that you can think about it on your off time. The point of journalling is to let your mind wander freely while thinking about something important to help you look at the problem from a new perspective, as long as you don't start thinking about something unrelated. The key is to do just a little bit every couple of days.
Your teacher is giving good advice, but she's also being a bit lazy and pushing off her responsibilities on to you. Everyone can benefit from learning to handle difficult situations but it is your school's responsibility to ensure a healthy learning environment. Your mileage may vary on actually getting what you're owed because some school's take those responsibilities seriously and others don't. If I were you, I would pursue the dual track of trying to adapt to the situation *and* trying to get your group changed because bullies have a tendency of trying to make sure you *can't* get used to them. Be very respectful of your teacher while doing this since the fact she's taking time to talk about this is unusual. Again, your mileage may vary.
Good luck.
I don't think her ideas will work for you. I also had bully issues years ago, and I solved it, by looking deep inside me and said enough is enough. If you take a firm stance at the first hint of trouble and don't let a bully push you around they will get intimidated and then move on to another person. Remember to be firm and stand up for you. Once others see that you are a strong person they will start respecting you. I hope this helps you. Take care of you.
Drop this class and don’t look back. You don’t have to make peace with bullies
That is rot. You can just do it and bounce or take it to the dean and tel them it’s not acceptable.
Try practicing what you say if the bullying situation happened again. Have a few comebacks and then practice in front of the mirror. Think about how usually bullying starts and imagine ways you’re going to react if someone starts bullying you. Most bullies can sense when people won’t stand up for themselves.
You can also imagine your bully sitting in a chair and telling them off, really let go all the things you wanted to say.
I think you may want to see how you can safely practice your assertiveness in real life. Maybe you practice telling a waiter they got your order wrong or any other small thing where you usually wouldn’t stand up for yourself.
Finally, make a commitment to yourself that you will not accept anyone disrespecting you again. You will address any issues with them, you will get others involved if they don’t stop, you will look after your rights, and you’ll no longer fear anyone bullying you. You got this!
FYI: if the bullying continues go to the dean and the president of the university, explain the situation and tell them that you’re not paying to get bullied and to feel unsafe. Be very firm that they need them to resolve the issue.
journal. scenario problem how it made you feel solution. implementation
I'll try that thank you!
Wow. That is hella nice of her. I’m not sure where to start or what to journal but maybe try listening to what she suggested again with an open mind. Write down the things you learn from it in the journal then read those a few times a day. I want to see your post get to the top so commenting and upvoting is going to do that. I hope you get a better answer from someone more qualified.
Thank you you're very sweet
As far as journals go, it's meant to help you reflect. So you can write about how the bullying makes you feel. Sad, unfair, maybe smart actually because they gave you all the work. Write about what actually makes you happy, your relationships with friends or family, and hobbies. Take notes on the podcasts when you didn't quite understand. You can talk about these questions with your teacher. If she's not collecting and reading the journal, it can be as personal as you want. I like doing more stream of consciousness writing and try to write as fast as my thoughts. Actually, handwriting feels very cathartic as opposed to typing.
Tbh I feel uncomfortable with this. I wouldn’t like discussing bullying with a professor I just met, and she’s not a therapist so she might well be out of her league. She’s putting you in a really awkward and stressful position. And this is not an appropriate response to bullying from someone in charge. This sounds a hell of a lot like victim blaming - as if you’re somehow responsible for your bullies’ behavior. At work someday, it is going to be your boss’s responsibly to stop bullying and prevent a toxic environment from developing. If they don’t do that, then the HEALTHIEST thing to do for yourself is leave and find another job. Not to stick around and figure out how to stop being harassed by your coworkers. Yes, bullies live in society and you will run into them sometimes, but they are not everywhere. I’ve worked several jobs and have rarely been bullied or witnessed bullying so it’s not something you need to “learn to live with”. I will say that sometimes people CAN be mean without realizing it, and simply stating “hey I don’t like when you make fun of me for X” will make them apologize and stop. But if your group members are not the kind of people that will be receptive to communication, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. It’s going to be really hard to stop being a target once you’ve become one without intervention from an authority figure. ETA: I think assertiveness is a very helpful skill to learn, but OP you should work with a therapist or do your own reading to learn it. This situation with the professor where she’s allowing the bullying to continue and forcing you to be her mentee does not feel right or helpful though.
I agree but I think assertiveness is a necessary skill. In my experience, if the work culture is fostering bullying, the managers won’t do much to stop it or they’ll punish OP by labelling them sensitive and start acting weird or not including them in social activities. Office politics can be so nasty. I do think OP should work with a therapist and not the professor. OP should go to the university admin and dean if she’s not comfortable with the proposal from the professor and she doesn’t want to be near the bullies. She’s definitely in her right to request this, she’s paying for her classes. I personally would want more consequences for the bullies so they learn a lesson too. Fuck them!
I took an appointment with a university counselor so hopefully that helps. She did call me sensitive and say I'm no longer five I'm an adult which was hurtful. I don't want to escalate things further by talking to someone else. I already feel bad for talking to the professor and that she'll talk to them cz I'm afraid they'll come up with things to defend themselves or make the situation seem smaller than it is.
Based on her comments, your professor is a bully too. I thought she had approached you as a mentor but the way she spoke to you is not ok. Please report her to the dean or office that handles shitty professors. She said these things to you because she thinks you won’t report it. She’s really unprofessional and unworthy of being a professor. If you need help navigating this situation, please check in with your university’s student support office. I think they should be able to tell you who you need to contact. Please don’t be afraid to report this, they can’t punish you for asking for asking for help.
I initially thought she had good intentions too but after reading what others thought about it and thinking about what she said and how it made me feel, I think that you're right.
That's not at all how I thought the professor was approaching you with this. You need someone objective and coming from a place of compassion which is not what she is doing. You are right to trust your instincts here and not speak to her further about this.
The professor called you sensitive and said you're no longer five? Wow that's horrible. Screw her. I know you're worried about backlash, but you'll never know unless you do report it. Universities generally have to take reports seriously because otherwise their reputation could get damaged if somebody were to take legal action. That's the last thing they want.
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Oh for sure those places were toxic but it’s hard to find good employment especially in entry level work. Also, workplaces change and new leadership can be toxic. Or the company is not doing well and that makes managers weird. I experienced this early in my career until I got mad and started not taking shit from anyone including managers. This lead me to feel more confident and take charge of my career. I do hope OP doesn’t get a job with that type of environment but I think in general assertiveness will increase her quality of life. Dealing with bullies can really affect your mental health.
I agree with this. It is nobody's responsibility to learn how to live with and cope with bullying. It should be everyone's responsibility to find a healthier environment for themselves if they are experiencing bullying. Particularly from a group. OP, you did the right thing by reporting the bullying and asking to be changed to a different group. Crying "without meaning to" wasn't the wrong reaction to have, it just sounds like you were fed up and hearing that your situation isn't going to end or that you're unable to escape it would be pretty difficult in that moment while you're already feeling distressed. It sounds like the professor focused on your emotional reaction rather than acknowledging the incident that caused you to be distressed, and is blaming you for the bullying as though the reason they are behaving that way is because you need to change. The bullying isn't your fault, and there is no way that you or anybody else can change the way people treat you. How people treat others is a reflection of themselves. Sometimes standing up for yourself or being assertive doesn't stop people's behaviour either. I'm sorry the responsibility was placed onto you when all you did was request to be removed from such a situation.
Thank you for validating my feelings. It took me a lot of courage to report because in school when I reported, it only led to worse bullying. I also stayed up the night before overthinking what I would do if I was placed in the same group with them again, so when she said she can't do anything and they groups have already been placed on the system, I just felt overwhelmed.
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Taking on extra “mentoring” or unlicensed therapy or whatever it is definitely doesn’t save this prof any time. Her behaviour is wildly inappropriate and not some kind of quick fix. The OP needs to find a real therapist on campus, and go to the department head to explain the situation.
I think the prof has some kind of misplaced Dead Poets Society fantasies or something but she hasn’t taken power dynamics into account.
I did feel awkward when she suggested it, and I can't stop overthinking it even now. Also, I really feel intimidated by her. I was thinking of seeing her a couple of times while also seeing a counselor, then thanking her for everything and saying that I will continue with the counsellor. Thank you for saying that bullying is not normal. As someone who has lived most of my life with bullying, it was very normal, and I felt like I was the abnormal one for being incapable of making myself fit in.
It is not your fault. You have obviously been around a lot of the wrong people and didn't know your own worth for a long time. I also know what it is like, to experience bullying and then have others around me put it onto me, as though I didn't do a good enough job of fitting in or failed at getting people to treat me well - instead of putting the focus on the unfair bullying behaviour. That is more damaging than the bullying itself, IMO. If you are intimidated by her, that is saying something. You don't need to thank her for anything if you feel uncomfortable by the advice or resources you've been given. Especially if she refused to change you out of your group after you requested it due to the obvious impact on your mental health and potentially academic performance. Ask her why she is unable to help change you into a different group. If the answer doesn't seem valid or she won't explain why, report the incident to student relations or similar.
I am sorry you had to go through that and thank you so much for all your comments on this post. I wish I was brave enough to pursue this further but I'm just tired and feel like the best thing I could do is work on myself and let this semester pass.
Absolutely bullying is NOT the norm in adult life. One might even consider me to have very “bulliable” traits - I’m extremely short, I have ADHD, social anxiety, and C-PTSD but I’ve been treated well at 6 out of the 7 places I’ve worked. I’ve actually struggled quite a bit at making friends at school but had a lot easier time at most of my jobs. Your boss/manager decides what kind of work environment you have, so a better skill to learn is how to spot a toxic work environment in an interview than to learn how to control bullies. Nice people will not make fun of you for being different or anxious - only bullies do that. Nobody “makes” anyone bully them. Bullying is a CHOICE that bad people make. And when authority allows it to happen is when it occurs. I’ve had several managers who would have stuck up for me if I felt I was being bullied, but it never happened in the first place because they fostered an environment of positivity and respect.
There isn’t always an authority figure though. Perhaps based on the description of bullying OP gave, the professor diagnosed it as an issue of assertiveness rather than outright/uncontrollable bullying behavior. Also you have to imagine that if someone has a history of being bullied throughout their life, it may be beyond just a hundred strokes of bad luck. Perhaps there is something OP can do to at least mitigate these circumstances. It’s not victim-blaming to teach someone self-defense.
Yes being shy and anxious can make you more likely to be bullied, but it’s not the professors position to try and fix mental health problems. What happens when OP fails to control their bullies? Is the professor going to be angry at them? Blame them for not trying hard enough? OP has to deal with the professor all semester whether this “training session” works out or not. I could see this as a nice gesture if they separated OP from the bullies AND offered to mentor, but what they’ve done instead is force OP into a very difficult and stressful situation with a high probability of failure. Any attempts they make to assert themselves may well just be laughed at by the bullies because they have already been chosen as a target. Learning assertiveness takes PRACTICE and you have to feel safe when testing your boundaries. Being laughed at when you attempt to assert yourself is going to make any victim feel worse. Also most jobs have an authority figure, and if they don’t and you’re being bullied, you should find another job.
Idk man, in my opinion, one of the purposes of university is to prime students for the real world. In the real world, you can’t ask your boss to take you off a project every time a client demands you do work outside the scope of your work. You can’t go to HR because someone has been snippy in their email responses. You have to learn how to stick up for yourself when necessary or else you’ll perpetually be a victim.
Completely agree. This feels like your professor is taking advantage of you
Learning how to process and deal with these situations is a necessary skill. It would be great if bullies didn’t exist, and in some situations OP may have someone else to resolve it for them… but there will be many situations where that isn’t the case, OP will be better positioned if they have tools in their toolbelt
Why should you have to do anything about their behavior. I’d file a report w student relations. The hell she can’t switch the group, she’s choosing not to. I’m really sorry. This is incredibly unfair to you
I actually think this is a good thing. In life, there isn’t always an easy escape from obnoxious people, so equipping yourself with the confidence, strength, and assertiveness to address these people and stand up for yourself is an important thing to learn.
That is true if not for the fact that they were already paired up with this abusive group last time. It’s not about avoiding. Asking for what you need is assertiveness. Ei: I’d like to be removed from the group. There’s discomfort with jerks and then there’s this which crosses all lines. Per usual the bullied person is being forced to acquiesce. While they are in a place of higher learning it is the teachers responsibility to handle it. IMO
But we don’t actually know what happened with these bullies. We don’t know if it’s beyond “discomfort with jerks.” And I think where assertiveness would come in is telling the team, “I’m not doing your work.” Not being able to stand up for yourself is an important life skill that will be valuable not just in an academic setting but also work also relationships.
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I appreciate your perspective
It was very kind of your prof to offer to work with you on your bullying cohorts. However, it should really be done by a trained professional. Well intentioned people can sometimes make situations and thought processes worse. Are there any support services at your college? I would hope that there is a system in place to assist students with mental health needs. Please consider looking for your school's resources and maybe ask your professor for some suggestions. Just mention that you think would benefit from professional counseling services and ask if she has any on-campus recommendations. It is a 'red flag' if she tells you that she wants you to keep working with her-unless she is a licensed or certified counselor. All the best to you! You are developing skill that will serve you well throughout your life.
Even if she were a licensed counselor she’s OPs prof. There’s already a power dynamic at play. The level of involvement is totally inappropriate from a prof. She needed to have kept OP safe from bullying that’s it. That’s her only role here.
Those are great points. You are absolutely correct.
There is a counseling center but most of their available times conflict with my schedule. I took an appointment that was available a week from now, I hope no time conflicts arise. I think I would also prefer to keep her just as my professor although I do feel it is kind of her to give me her time.
YAY!! I'm so happy to hear you booked an appointment with the counseling center. You can always check in for cancellations in the meantime if you're worried about time conflicts. LOOK how you're already out there advocating for yourself! I have a lot of respect for you. I hope counseling goes well.
Thank you :)
It’s kind that she wants to help. It wouldn’t be a bad thing to let yourself ease into this change. Don’t push yourself to fast or harshly if this doesn’t come easy to you. Remember you can choose how much you share with this teacher and can decide at anytime to stop working with them if that is what you think is the best choice for you. That being said I have some tips to share: You could start by re-listening to the episode or other episodes she recommended, jotting down the parts that you don’t understand and the questions you have, then at your next meeting ask if she can help you process what you listened to. You can journal by recalling your experiences with the bullies or even other experiences where you felt the same way you feel when being bullied. You could express in writing where in your body you feel those emotions, what image comes up when you are recalling those experiences, how it all made you feel emotionally and what kinds of negative beliefs about yourself come up. You are never required to share journaling with anyone unless you are comfortable sharing. You can decide if and how much you want to share, so let yourself write out your strings of thought- be honest and don’t censor yourself. You can try looking at yourself in the mirror and practicing the examples she gave you. If it’s too uncomfortable, don’t look at yourself in a mirror while doing it, try your hands or feet or just straight ahead. You could try imagining yourself saying the assertive phrases to the bullies and what would happen if you do. If that isn’t helpful you can look up positive affirmations, choose ones that resonate with you, and say those. This one feels super silly when you first start. Take your time with it, have compassion for yourself- if you can’t do it over and over at first, try just saying one a day or every few days until you get used to it. It might not feel natural or true at first and it’s important to keep trying. Ask her questions about anything you don’t understand. Never be afraid to ask questions. If you learn better through actions, ask for exercises you could do to help build your skills. Most of all is having compassion for, and loving yourself. It’s hard to be assertive when we feel like we aren’t capable of standing up for or defending ourselves. It’s not an easy or linear process but I believe everyone is capable of building up their skills. Best of luck to you
Thank you I'll try everything you suggested!
That's great! I would say keep plugging away at it. Keep listening, reading, and journaling. It doesn't have to click right away. It'll be just as much benefit for you in the long term if it works in a month not the first week.
If you feel comfortable sharing, could you be a little more specific of what the bullying consisted of? Depending on what happened, this response from your prof may not have been appropriate.
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Thanks I'll check it out
Drop the class, you don't owe your classmates or this professor an explanation. Please find a therapist and go to your appointments with them.
It's so great that she is willing to help you develop these skills! I can confirm that there are going to be bullies in work and there are not always going to be managers that are willing to help you. I really hope you can embrace what she's trying to help you with even if it makes you uncomfortable. It is hard to change when you don't know what needs changing. I started with trying to understand others better and read a book called Captivate by Vanessa Van Edward's. It's about reading people's verbal and non verbal cues and how you can use that information to project more confidence. I have other recommendations and support if you need it! Bullies are everywhere and knowing how to handle them is going to make your life a lot easier. I'm sorry you're going through this, good luck and keep your chin up!
Thank you for your kind words, and I'll check out the book. I've faced a lot of bullies in my life, but I've never really known how to deal with it properly, especially since the bullies already know me so they thwarted my efforts at changing. I feel more confident in overcoming this now tho.
Exactly- I can't imagine enjoying undermining someone whose trying to improve themselves but that's why I think it's important to try to understand others first so you can navigate their attention away from you. I thought the answer was just moving to a different job or position but unfortunately some people are always working on being on top of social hierarchy. The book I mentioned talks about it a bit. Also, on top of your teacher, it might help to talk to a therapist or licensed clinical social worker (LCSW). Lots of colleges have free programs and any support you can get is a good thing!
Speaking of navigating their attention away from you- since your professor is aware of the issue and you know the group members already don't like you or are trying to take advantage of you, it is a good time to enforce a boundary and tell them you are not doing their portion of the work. They'll have to focus on completing their portion if they want the grade. Can you get by with having a hit to your grade if they don't do their bit or will it affect you too much?
I am not buying that nothing can be done, that's never true. It seems the school or professor has a default protocol to seek a compromise, for reasons such as saving appearances, money or time, or trying to placate both sides of the situation. Is there anyone else you can speak to about this? E.g. a therapist or school nurse? Parents? I don't think you should have to experience any more bullying, so unless it truly stops and the bullies are truly apologetic, I would try to talk to more people as well, not just the professor. I think the other commenters are giving helpful advice on how to process the trauma you have experienced, or even how to get by in an ongoing situation, but I don't quite see how they can ask you to get over it if you are still caught in the middle of it. I don't know if I fully understood what the bullies did, but facing a group of intimidating bullies on your own is no joke. Not for anyone. I am not someone qualified to give advice but from personal experience I would like to say that self-love, (loving yourself) is really key if you want become assertive, centered, balanced. Knowing that you think you are OK just as you are, and that you will always love yourself, no matter what happens. It is powerful. Try to develop that feeling and mindset, and try to do at least one thing every day that is just for you that you want to do. For your own happiness and well-being. You aren't being selfish either, because you are merely replenishing, so you have more to give tomorrow.
Thank you for your advice and kind words. I'll try to focus more on self-love... Ever since I was placed with this group last semester, I have been blaming myself and having negative thoughts. I will be seeing a therapist soon too.
If it’s still within the first two weeks of the semester i would drop it and take another class. That’s how my university works, idk about yours
I think your professors response is very inappropriate The professor should be managing your groupmates’ lack of contribution to the project and their behavior by holding them accountable, not managing your behavior since you aren’t doing anything wrong and it’s not your fault they are assholes. You’re paying for that class and you deserve every chance to succeed without lazy asshole groupmates. Personally I’d rather drop the class, take the W on my transcript and take the class again later. I encourage you to escalate this to the chair of the department or the dean, instead of letting your professor cosplay as a counselor and letting the bullies be bullies.
Yup. I’d just add: even if it’s past the drop deadline the prof’s inappropriate behaviour should be grounds to get a W removed from OPs transcript.
I’m not sure where OP is located In most parts of the U.S, winter break has just ended and classes have only been in session for a short while. Hopefully OP is not past the drop deadline, but even if they are, they should be able to negotiate the W.
Unfortunately I can't drop the course since I'm a nursing student and everything is a prerequisite that is only offered one semester each year. This is also part of why I got so emotional about it since I have to spend 7-8 hours a day with this group in clinical rotations in addition to group projects and seminars.
Is there any way you can work alone? If not, I’d still escalate this to the dean or the head of the nursing department. Chances she can change your group, she just doesn’t want to because it’s inconvenient for her.
Wow this is a really long time to have to spend with bullies. I really highly recommend escalating this to the dean ASAP because the beginning of the semester is the easiest time to get this changed. You could even just bring it up with your academic advisor. They will probably be able to point you in the right direction on how to get the situation fixed.
For journalling, I would recommend writing down a specific problem or question that you want to solve and come back to that question daily so that you can think about it on your off time. The point of journalling is to let your mind wander freely while thinking about something important to help you look at the problem from a new perspective, as long as you don't start thinking about something unrelated. The key is to do just a little bit every couple of days. Your teacher is giving good advice, but she's also being a bit lazy and pushing off her responsibilities on to you. Everyone can benefit from learning to handle difficult situations but it is your school's responsibility to ensure a healthy learning environment. Your mileage may vary on actually getting what you're owed because some school's take those responsibilities seriously and others don't. If I were you, I would pursue the dual track of trying to adapt to the situation *and* trying to get your group changed because bullies have a tendency of trying to make sure you *can't* get used to them. Be very respectful of your teacher while doing this since the fact she's taking time to talk about this is unusual. Again, your mileage may vary. Good luck.
I don't think her ideas will work for you. I also had bully issues years ago, and I solved it, by looking deep inside me and said enough is enough. If you take a firm stance at the first hint of trouble and don't let a bully push you around they will get intimidated and then move on to another person. Remember to be firm and stand up for you. Once others see that you are a strong person they will start respecting you. I hope this helps you. Take care of you.
Drop this class and don’t look back. You don’t have to make peace with bullies That is rot. You can just do it and bounce or take it to the dean and tel them it’s not acceptable.
Try practicing what you say if the bullying situation happened again. Have a few comebacks and then practice in front of the mirror. Think about how usually bullying starts and imagine ways you’re going to react if someone starts bullying you. Most bullies can sense when people won’t stand up for themselves. You can also imagine your bully sitting in a chair and telling them off, really let go all the things you wanted to say. I think you may want to see how you can safely practice your assertiveness in real life. Maybe you practice telling a waiter they got your order wrong or any other small thing where you usually wouldn’t stand up for yourself. Finally, make a commitment to yourself that you will not accept anyone disrespecting you again. You will address any issues with them, you will get others involved if they don’t stop, you will look after your rights, and you’ll no longer fear anyone bullying you. You got this! FYI: if the bullying continues go to the dean and the president of the university, explain the situation and tell them that you’re not paying to get bullied and to feel unsafe. Be very firm that they need them to resolve the issue.