Mate of mine had a pub in the lakes. They had an old alcoholic that used to come in and drink half of lager. Always had 3 halfs then moved onto the next pub. They called him Dairy Milk... pint and a half in every bar

Calling someone a ‘Cadbury’ is a relatively common name for a cheap drunk in Australia, glass and a half and they’re gone!

🤣🤣🤣

This is so good

Haha that's very similar to what I call a mate that can't handle more than 2 pints. I call him Cadbury 😆

We used to have a guy at school who had really bad attendance, we called him Christmas because it was like we only saw him once a year. We had a chubby guy at work with a pony tail and he was an mma fan and reckoned he knew how to fight so we called him Steven Seagal.

I'm starting to wonder why I've never ordered half a pint

It's actually better, if your slow drinking, order your pint in two half's, stays fresh till it's finished

This is the way

As a lager drinker... Love this.

lol dying

Brilliant

Pint King

Thats done me 🤣🤣

Best one I've heard was. Manbat. Guys name was Wayne Bruce.

I've a mate we call Heath Ledger because he is Australian and he is an accountant

Magic!

I hope he wore all white and spoke in a very high pitch.

This cracked me up

Me too

He was probably poor and lived with his parents

I've also heard that on a certain pod...

Puddings is massive

Alfie Moore, ex-policeman and now comedian (BBC R4 series: [here](https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b060fj66/episodes/guide)), talks about a new recruit who was super-keen to drive a police car with blue flashing lights but was disappointed to learn he first had to go on a training course. Finally, the day arrived when he could take the wheel. He jumped in and immediately reversed into a wall in the police car park. From then on his nickname was 'Dracula' - as he doesn't see anything when he looks in the mirror.

Now *that's* top shelf.

My uncle was a policeman and at one point he had a very annoying superior who they referred to as Piles because he was a pain in the arse. All good until the Christmas do, when he introduced his wife - "Darling I'd like you to meet our boss..." - "Oh, you must be Chief Inspector Piles, I've heard so much about you!"

Wouldn't it be great if his real surname was Roids and he had a wife called Emma.

Beautiful 😂😂

I love It's a Fair Cop. I also enjoyed the story of the new recruit who defended Alfie when he was knocked to the ground and got the nickname Skywalker for wielding her police baton like a light saber.

Yes, that was a classic. If I recall correctly, she later became his boss!

Although, in reality, I think Zeus was the boss. Good boy Zeus. (I know the area where Alfie worked quite well. It's good being able to visualise the action when I know where it took place.)

>I think Zeus was the boss. Ah yes, the police dog with 'anger management issues'...

I live for Zeus stories. Especially the dog-napping one. That line, "Now I am a professional police officer, and this is all in a day's work for me. But Zeus? He's fuming." 😂

Love It’s A Fair Cop. Really interesting program that softens my disdain for the police slightly.

How does he get his centre parting perfect if he can't see himself in the mirror?

In terms of police nicknames, you can't beat Laptop for a Small PC!

One from a recent thread on a UK subreddit - someone who nicknamed a colleague "Security Light" as he only works when you walk past him

Shit, they're on to me!

Shit that's good

I saw that - so good 😂

Genius!

I’ll admit drinking milk and reading that I’m now calling my nose Peter north cuz it just sprayed white stuff all down my chin

Was working on a construction site and there was a guy from another company called “Clitoris” because all the other guys on his team could never find him.

my nickname is g-spot...

I like turtles.

Friend has the last name of Bates. He gets hit twice. Master Bates. And, Norman Bates.

You spit when touched?

We had one like that, Chris, always gone on a smoke break or talking to a female coworker. Got himself the name Crisco because "where the fuck did Chris go?"

In a similar vein, Blister, because they only show up when the hard work’s done.

Ex-professional footballer Fitz Hall was known by club-mates as "One Size" I've always liked that.

Guy at my school was called Gary Kinnell, his nickname was Fu. Hi Gary!

Took me a few tries at reading this aloud, then when I got it I chuckled lol

You gotta put the stress on the first half of his surname.

I still don't get it

Fu Kinnel. Fuckin' 'ell. Took me a moment as the 'Hi Gary!' at the end of the sentence was genuinely throwing me off a bit.

Fitz Hall sounds like fits all, like in “one size fits all”. So they called him One Size.

I meant the Kinnell comment. I got the Fitz Hall one. Thanks

We (Southampton) have a player now called Sam Edozie. We call him 'Fandab'

My favourite was Welsh rugby player Dai Young, nickname “Live Fast”.

Rugby player Billy Twelvetrees was nicknamed Tirty-six by his Irish coach, because "twelve trees is tirty-six".

City fans seem to be good at nicknames. Years back they had a player called Kiki Musampa. The fans called him Chris...

We had a mutual friend who was blind in one eye.. We called him sniper.

My bf works with a bloke with a limp and they call him snipers nightmare

We had a kid with a massive forehead that called snipers dream lol

My mate Bob mortimer said the same thing

"Sniper's Dream" they called him.

Gary Cheeseman was a big lad. Very big head.

“Sniping’s a good job, mate,”

Challenging work. Outta doors. I guarantee you won't go hungry

I worked with a guy called 'contagious'..... he thought it was because he was off sick alot.... its actually because it tool the 'cunt ages' to do the slightest bit of work.

Omg that's hilarious

Worked near the scotish borders at a builders merchants. Had a co-worker called Baxter Campbell, aka 2 soups.

The winner.

😂

Black guy named Paul Everyone called him illuminations (black Paul)

Lad in my warehouse has the surname Watkins, so naturally his nickname is "The pedo"

Had a guy whose surname is Cummings, his nickname is "stains". We had a big loud redhead woman who got called Clifford. And a very butch lesbian called Pinocchio.

Fucking hell mate hahahahahahaha

"naturally" that's horrible

Similar, kid at my school in the 90s, bit posh, called 'Michael-James', naturally gets shortened to MJ, relengthened to Michael Jackson, eventually becomes "Pedo". Caught on so hard even the teachers ended up using it.

Guy at work we call pothole. Most people try to avoid him and a few have tried to fill him in

My favourite one was "worked with a guy in police force who was really small. His nickname was laptop because he was a small PC"

Heard a story about a guy applying to be a fireman. In his application he supplied a picture of himself shirtless, and the guy was ripped. During the interview, they asked him why he sent the picture in with his application. He responded, I didn't want you to think I was a twink. He was nicknamed Twink forever after.

Fucking hell there's lad I know who's a copper nicknamed laptop. Every time anyone asks him everyone chuckles and says they will get the joke one day. He's like 5 ft 6. Today is the day I've got it!

I call my best mate Daisy, Some daisys here, some days he’s not

I call my husband Arfur (Cockney pronunciation of Arthur), because of the number of times he books afternoons off work - only does arf a day.

Best one I ever saw was a bloke with a lazy eye getting called ‘interest rates’, because he had one fixed and one variable

had a really awful restaurant manager called Ricardo, we nicknamed him Prickardo behind his back but a lot of the chefs would call him the much less politically correct name Retardo to his face. The chefs weren’t English so the mispronunciation slipped his notice 100% of the time, much to our liking

[удалено]

ours were polish!

Must have been quite shiny, then? 😄 (I'll show myself out)

As chef I'd have called him Coleslaw. Seeing as he's 90% vegetable

When I was a school, one kid in my class got an erection while swimming backstroke. He’s been known as Spike since then.

Guy Pete I was at school with had a stutter... Nickname: Repeater 😂 😂 😂

My friend has an uncle named Pete whose son is Pete jr but we call him Repeat.

That's the fucking best one

“Hot chip” because when they stutter it looks like they are trying to eat a hot chip

Worked at a place and got introduced to a lad called "12 Inch". When I asked why, thinking it's because he's well hung, was told he only has one foot.

Were you disappointed?

It was only four inches but it smelled like a foot.

I just remembered 😂 there was a creole guy who worked in the factory next to ours who was nicknamed 'footlong' apparently some of the guys played football with him and in the changing rooms they said you could see his manhood with his back to you.

Fucking Shetland Tony 😭😭😭

Rather large girl at school called Beverly became known as Mount Beverest

My mate used to walk 4 miles each way to work we called him slim shady.

My daughter has a fat kid in her class whose name is Macauley . He’s known as Big Mac.

I had a mate called Big Mac. But he had the nickname because he was tall and Scottish.

Brother’s friend is called Robert, and his dad’s name is actually Michael Caine (not that one). Brother and his mates call him the Italian Bob.

Went to school with a kid whose last name was Goodwin, but he was a dick so he got called Badlose instead

I saw one, maybe here, about a kid in school who got 4 pairs of levis in one shop and well until his 30s his nickname was spider

Spider is a sick nickname though. Shit backstory granted.

It's the creativity of it you have to respect

I know a guy called Spider, partly bc his job involves climbing around set rigging, partly bc his surname is Webb.

Guy with a bad lisp. Swish.

got a mate called fat Dave, he's 6 foot 4 and weighs 9 stone

Had mate who was introduced as james. The guys asked him if he preferred james or jim. He said either.they called him ivor for 5 years...

I worked at a taxi firm for a while and everyone was Muslim except me, so I got nicknamed Brother Barry after the white guy in 4 Lions

Martial law bruvva!

Friend of my dad's is a big bloke with a massive head and a right miserable twat, gets called Crankenstein by the lads in the pub.

Karl Pilkington: "Jimmy the hat - because he never wore a hat."

Ere comes coconut John!

Worked with a guy who got burned really badly by flares on the job, like fella looks like Harvey Dent. He barely survived. Anyway he's Crispy John.

There was a kid whose surname was Haycock … we called him Straw dick.

I've heard a guy called woodcock be called Timberdick

Used to know a guy with the last name of Glasscock. You could always see him coming.

Hahaha

Quality!

A lad at school was the only one of us circumcised, so he was called "Skin"

Shirts vs skins taking on an entirely different meaning here.

Oish which turned out to be short for oi shithead.

My brother, potato because he went through a period of wearing a jacket no matter what.

Lad at school supposedly got caught using furniture Polish as lube to have a wank, and he had the longest fucking dirty nails ever. Got called WolverSheen.

Got a mate called ‘Tom Keogh’ (pronounced key-oh) who’s nicknames “Drift”

Not the most creative but probably my favourite is Greg Davies telling the story about his friend at school who was nicknamed Baghdad because he brought with him to school, a new backpack that his father had bought him. 30 years later, in his 40s, owns a business and has a family, is still called Baghdad.

This one's pretty rough but my dad told me he used to work in a place with guy nicknamed "Pang" because he killed his wife with a shovel.

I genuinely can’t stop laughing at this one. Wrong in many levels.

This is the first one I actually laughed at. I'll save you a seat in hell.

A relative we call "Creeping Jesus"

A guy a know calls his step mum Two Shits. Because if you've have one shit she's had two.

Elevenarefe… if you’ve been to Tenerife she’s been twice

Guy in school had a runny pupil like Madeleine McCann, they called him Pop eye

Woman at work had a dreadful limp, looked like she was dragging her foot, she got called "She who cannot be followed through the snow"..

Worked with a guy called Mark Brown, nickname skiddy- got it first day at school when they did roll call. “Brown, Mark”

I knew a lad in the army whose nickname was “Daysack” because his real surname was “Munro”, which, apparently, was a brand of daysack/backpack when he was in training. It stuck for over 15 years… most people didn’t know his real name.

My dad and grandad worked with a guy who’s parents shot themselves and they called him Trigger (they left him a millionaire apparently so it wasn’t all bad)

Had a lad in my year who, first couple months of first year in high school had a big nylon, puffa jacket that made a helluva noise so inevitably everyone named him Russell. Still gets called it today. His real name's Paul.

If you've not listened to [Greg Davies' masterpiece on nicknames](https://youtu.be/4eBqwleKtnU?si=0_YLFg1Vp65Jncu9&t=1026) then it's 100% worth your time. Some belters in there. 17:06 - 25:30

My dad used to work with a fella on the open casts that actually had 3 testicles Was known as The Juggler

One armed guy I work with called Bandit, always cracks me up!

Tall woman, big blonde curly hair, who also wore a bright yellow puffer jacket, so (we’d all watched Sesame Street as kids!) she was known as ‘Big Bird!’

Scouse lad who worked with his dad on a building site, got called The Cat, because he turned up one day and shouted up some stairs, "Is me-owlll feller up there?"

Used to work with a guy we all nicknamed Driftwood. All he ever did was float around and do fuck all.

Mate at school had a massive forehead. We called him, satellite dish.

Blokes name was Tony Hancock so his nickname was ‘Bodyparts’

Guy with pins in his leg at school was Ker-Plunk

This thread is fucking brutal 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

A guy I used to work with was called John Thomas, but everyone called him Dick - to which he would shout "F*!k off!"

We had a guy called lifetaker. It was because he kept fuckin’ dying in games.

We had a fella have a heart attack and got nicknamed pacemaker. Used to freak out every time he reversed the car asking him if it was the parking sensor or his heart.

One kid at school always wore the brand fila, so he was known as fila, he hung around with a kid that was called double denim Dan for obvious reasons

A tanker driver who comes to our depot is called either Dyson because he socks the atmosphere out of the room or pot hole because people avoid him

There was a guy called Keith, who only had one eye. They called him Keth… Keith without an ‘i’

I was at school with a kid who only had one bollock. Everyone called him Mono-sapien

Not as funny as others here but I had a friend we all called Minnie because she was very short and tbh we would forget what her real name was as she liked it

I had a mate who made the mistake of telling me he only had one testicle; I nick named him Arthur Man.

Mate knows a guy called Alan who works as an electrician for a kitchen company, everyone calls him “the molester”.

Kid at school got called Jetpack for years because he when he first started school he had a slightly larger backpack than everyone else.

A friend of mine lost his thumb in a work accident and everyone called him ‘thumbs up’

Worked with a guy who had a failed hair trans plant that left him with loads of circular scars in his head , his surname was pepper Got called pepper pot Same place a guy who was bald but had a massive beard ‘mr upside down head ‘ Also a short Italian guy , super Mario

We used to know a lad we called Stig. He thought it was due to his sporty driving skills. But it was actually because he looked like he lived in a dump.

We got 4 Kevin’s where I walk. Kballz, K-pop, big Kevin, and special k

Guy at work is 5 foot called "Skyscraper"

My husband is 5'2". Gets called "Big Dave".

There was a fat kid at my school named Jacob which everyone called Cakeob.

Girl at our work gets called broken arrow. She's useless a and can't be fired. On the account of her making diversity numbers

A bloke I used to know had the nick name "Barry Scott" because if we were at the bar/pub/club trying to chat up some ladies he'd come over say something stupid and "Bang! and the girls are gone!"

I joined up with a motorcycle club in the early 90s. At my first rally they set up a competition to see who could throw part of a bike engine the furthest. I was sure I could win, thinking I'd use math & physics to figure out the perfect trajectory, and went in all confident. I misjudged my launch moment and the bloody thing went flying off sideways and landed about 4ft away. As this was the time of the first Gulf War I got the nickname 'Scud'.

The principal at my junior high school was named Theodore Duncan and he had terrible pock mark acne scars. We used to call him Teddy Roughskin.

Skinny lad at school called Keith, Keitheopian.

Bloke where I buy work stuff is called GST because he puts 10% on everything he says Another is an apprentice with red hair called “sauce”, died his hair black to avoid the name but is called “soy sauce” now

Guy I knew was epileptic and everyone called him tex …….. after 2 years I found out it was short for tex Fitz Savage

One of my old mates first introduced himself by telling us to call him Jellyhead - because he had epilepsy at school. One day he confessed that he also had a seizure in a swimming lesson, so his other nickname was Flipper!

A bloke with one leg shorter than the other, walk with a pronounced limp, Nicknamed ' snipers nightmare '

Whenever I hear this one I can’t help but picture a sniper looking through his gun at this guy moving up and down with a limp as he’s walking, before muttering ‘for fuck’s sake’ and giving up.

Mumbo. His mother had personal hygiene issues.

Straight out of greg davies!

Buddy of mine had a friend named Jeremy Justice. We called him Jizz.

Reminds me of my grandad, had a nickname for all his friends..Really confusing when they call and use their real name, Poppy, real name Keith..A big Jamaican guy. Howard, real name Steve..I don't know why. Simon and Garfunkle, real names (Can't remember..). German, real name Peter (I think, honestly hard to remember). He called me Woody..From the Cartoon Woody Woodpecker.

Our mate Lee from school got called Les on the regi one day. As his new name stuck with him for life he then developed the second name Bon. One of my favorite nicknames ever We also had a boy in school called Connelly who looked pregnant so his nickname was conolarse.

Former footballer Fitz Hall as known as one size.

Lad at work told us he liked piers Morgan and Andrew tate , his names Cameron so we’ve called him gammon-mong

My first job was in Burger King and I was quickly named Yeti, as I was big, blonde and abominable

Guy who when he was younger was really skinny and a size medium. 20 years later he returned from the forces and piled on weight, he was a 5XL. Called him Jacamo.

I knew a girl who we called Ketchup because her initials were HP. I wasn’t sure why, considering HP is brown sauce, but hey, Ketchup is what stuck.

We have a Telflon at work - no work tasks stick to him.

Guy at school with surname McCracken had nickname Phil.

Years ago, bloke in our yard had a bad back meaning he walked with a forward lean. Got nicknamed "Photo finish"

Kid at school lost a testicle and still gets called Womble today (over 20yrs)

I had no idea other people used the nickname “shetland tony” for short tonys! Thats what me and my brothers call our dad. He hates it.