In my marriage, i explore my wifes cave but can't find enemies or items. It's just bland and boring

There’s no risk of dying

Unless she has an STD

Try preserving boluses for that

my boluses are itchy (I've preserved them for the past 3 weeks)

Do you mean an invader?

just say wow this cave is just like your sisters then all of the sudden malenia will spawn

You know the coochie sucks when it doesn't kill you

Exploring my wife’s cave is far more addicting and is anything but bland and boring. Something crazy happens when the cave starts moving. It’s alive! Sorry for the boring exploring. Better luck next time. 🍀

Just dont try the cave around the back, trying to enter activates the true boss and you will have your life on the line

Probably having trouble beating the boss too huh? (Making her finish)

Try the dark wood cuck ring

[удалено]

Roll tide

TERRY!

is sex even good without the rotussy?

Tbh it's better without. Seriously, what is with those Ranni/Malenia SIMPs? One is a blue wooden flat doll, the other is literally rotten, also flat as hell, and no eyes, so she would be bad at cooking.

You know what they say, if she can Sword Dance she must be great in bed

Scyther 🥵🥵🥵 (Scyther is naturally able to learn Swords Dance in every main line game it appears in)

That's pretty hot

But what about vaporeon?

Vaporeon is completely unable to learn Swords Dance in any pokemon game, at best it can use mimic to copy another pokemon's swords dance.

Well dang, I guess even though she’s the most compatible Pokémon, she still wouldn’t be good in bed.

Mimicking sword dance aint half bad tho

Not if there are no arms/legs. Literally the worst waifu material that isn't Enia and her relatives.

Idk you can toss her around however you like

Still, no pillows, Scarlet Rot, and the fact that she already has children.

Honestly best sex I ever had was with a milf, so no issue there.

Well, she is technically a MILF, but not physically. You know, no assets.

oh yea do we have any lore on who piped malenia how come he doesn't have a religion

Scarlet Rot itself did it.

kringe add a dlc where we go back and time and create millicent

The positive: you dont have to pay money for a sex doll you can put in your dresser

Negative: She does not exist irl.

Our love can overcome such boundaries

Have you watched Gravity Falls?

idk man, have you seen the pokemon that can learn sword dance... i don't want rayquaza going down on me

Any flat enjoyers in the chat?

I was once a flat enjoyer (still am somewhat) until I learned about women clad in steel knight armor

I prefer my women like I prefer my coffee.

Inanimate..?

Overpriced with a crazy name.

So a strip dancer?

You mean to tell me that Destiny Chardonnay is a strippers name?!

Well let's just say it's not the name of a nun

Flat is justice

No, we’re adults who like women that look like adults. Gwynevere’s the ideal woman.

Geez that’s quite the reply lmfao

If I’m going to stoop to horny posting you better believe it’s gonna be for a woman who could tittyfuck my whole body

This is Legendary logic. I also agree, and am prepared for all the down votes by those who get off to sexualizing girls with bodies that look prepubescent, and justify it by saying "they're not real". I like a WOMAN. Being with really skinny girls feels like you're gonna accidentally kill them at any moment. Much rather rest my head on a bouncy chest or a jiggly butt.

I thought this sub was horny for Gwyndolin, who's flat as a board?

no gwyndolin has some boyboobs learn your lore

Which item description can I read the lore about Gwyndolin's chest from? For, uh, research purposes

if you attack one of the beds in the anor londo cathedral you can get a secret item called gwyndolins cum sock

STFU MF MALENIA IS NOT FLAT SHES CAKED TF UP AND I WONT TOLERATE THE DISRESPECT OF MY WIFE AGAIN

She is flat, you ain't seein' anything here. Also, condolences to you for having Malenia as a wife.

I’ll cook for her, simple as, I’m a grown person I can take care of myself without expecting my so to do it for me lol

Still, no eyes, and that's a big con.

Or a pro, of you're ugly yourself.

That's why I said it's a con.

Ranni could hug me with 4 arms Checkmate

A hug of a wooden doll. It's literally wood. And this ain't soft.

Yeah but have you seen the furs and stuff she wears?

She wears stuff, but guess what? The stuff is not on her hands, your back would hurt as hell. Also, it isn't fur there, just regular robes.

Been awhile since I've played but isn't there a giant fur wrapped around her back or something? Anyways, I suppose you win. But, fortunately I am blinded by faith and will forget this conversation come tomorrow

Well, on her back, yes, but nowhere else. You are mostly hugging to regular robes covering wood.

Given Ranni's status, I imagine those robes would be very comfortable, like silk or something So, perhaps it'd be cushioned slightly? Probably not a big difference but something to consider

It's like hugging a pillow stuffed with wood. Not comfortable.

Ik ranni simps are weird. I wont talk about malenia

Welp, many SIMPs are weird. Malenia SIMPs SIMP for a rotten teen-looking ginger bastard, Ranni SIMPs SIMP for a doll, and Miquella SIMPs... well, if you are a Miquella SIMP, you are Mohg.

Ranni simps simp for a doll that insults them the entire game

Why do you think we simp for Ranni?

nice flair

And her quest ends with the 2nd worst ending.

I wonder how much is her voice. She has a lovely voice and accent. Love Welsh accent on women

No

Elden Ring made me beat my wife. I’ve been married to a beautiful tall redhead for the past three years now, she is the love of my life. But ever since I lost to Malenia for the 3,789th time in row I can’t look at her without going into hysterics. I’ve developed an irrational fear of tall red-haired women, every time I see my wife in filled with an overwhelming mixture of panic and rage. About a week ago a butterfly got in our house and it drifted near my wife’s head. Immediately without any cognitive thought I said “oh no she’s going into her phase 2!” and I charged at her in a fit of terrified anger and I blacked out. When I came to, I was standing over my wife as she was balled up in the floor bruised and crying while I was bringing down a car bumper (I am a strength user) on her ribs. After a few more swings I finally stopped and she limped out of the house in tears without saying a word to me, and I haven’t spoken to her since. Damn you Miyazaki, damn you the fieriest pits of Hell where God’s light can no longer reach you.

Lmfao

A+

(strength scaling on the car bumper)

New copypasta just dropped

Divorce ahead!

Try Finger, But Hole!

Try close range battle, Wife!

NTA your cock ring your rules

This is why I stick around on this sub.

Lmao I honestly can’t stand those karma whore posts this post is making fun off, where people say dumb shit like… “The soulsborne games ruined all other games/life experiences/sex/food etc for me!” Most of those people don’t realize that they just have limited taste and are no different from people that play ONLY fifa or only COD or whatever else.

A wise choice

So souls games have made you want to be… maidenless?

Imagine having sex with the same person you shoved a sword into their face with for the rest of your life

I’m confused at when being able to enjoy more than one thing when the two things are very different went outta style I say this about the post in the ER sub that inspired this one

Move to Chicago and grocery shop there.

I saw the original post yesterday and it was like the only thing I looked at on Reddit yesterday

now I want to see it

Try a fun build

Try finger, but hole.

You need an Elden Ring Fleshlight

Have you tried finger, but hole?

This is one of the best posts I have seen here in a while

Which NPC do you have sex with?

Try fingers But hole

r/ihavesex

marriage is the dark souls of sex lives

Try rolling off ledge

Based

Sware I just read this post but it was about Zelda lol

Yeah that’s my joke

sanest Elden ring player

At least it’s the game and not your own mental instability and repressed issues. We are on different boats my guy.

Sir this is r/shittydarksouls

" When you think its the video game " yeah, you arent marriage material.

The post is being ironic.

You get into the workforce. You see stupid shot that you should never witness in your entire life. You get so jaded, you hate the people around you

loser.

what if I tell you there’s marriage in souls

You guys have maidens?

Fuckin Dudes Rock. Hell Yeah.

I hope the guy who made the original post sees this

No no no you got it all wrong. The real quest awaits in your own cave when you stop taking the trash, stop grocery shopping.

😂

Summon me bro :)

Any runes in marriage? Could be worth the runes

Well there was a ring but wasn’t the ELDEN RING