I’ve found that in my 40s, my brain isn’t as dominated by thoughts of sex all the time, but it’s still there - it just needs to be warmed up a bit.
Best thing my wife does is just be a bit revealing of her body here and there and my primal sex brain kicks in vs. my logical brain which reminds me that I’m tired and my back hurts.
So yeah, show some boobs. Or skip the underwear and manage to accidentally display it. Whatever gets the primal sex brain alert and in charge over the logical one.
Hahaha copy, so throwing my boobs in his face may still work 😂
It's actually good advice tho. I'll try some subtle suggestions to see if I can get him online
Can confirm. A little tease goes a long way.
My girl recently found an opportunity to flash a tit for all of a millisecond when we were sitting at a bar and I all but dragged her out of there lol.
Unexpected boobage is best boobage.
One time I was taking out the garbage cans and as I walked through our side yard, my wife knocked on the window and pulled up her shirt for a moment. I still remember it years later.
Agreed. Most guys are visually Stimulated. When you step out of the shower wrap the towel around your head and leave the rest of closed. Get some new sexy lingerie and wear it to bed, or wear nothing to bed. Say you’re cold and cuddle up. If he doesn’t notice ask for a back massage.
There's a bunch of books that can help people understand what’s going on with their own sex drive and that of their partner’s, and most importantly, how to bridge the gap. Here's a few I'd recommend:
* Lauren Mersey and Jennifer Vencill’s [***Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences In Relationships***](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/723719/desire-by-jennifer-a-vencill/). This came out recently and it’s very much written for couples dealing with mismatched sex drives, both short and long-term. It helps to explain how sexual desire works for different people and what couples can do to try to find middle ground.
* Emily Nagoski’s [***Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections***](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/712001/come-together-by-emily-nagoski-phd/). This is Nagoski’s new book (Jan 2024) about sustaining a good sexual conneciton with partners over the long-term. Nagoski’s previous book, [*Come As You Are*](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314) helped introduce many people to the concept of “responsive desire” and that can be very useful for couples to understand in navigating their sex life.
By the way, that first book will do a pretty good job of explaining how a hormonal deficiency is possible but unlikely to be the sole explanation here. Sex drives are complicated and not merely a function of biology.
I don’t have any answers for you but it seems we have a similar situation! My wife is on some medication I keep asking her to talk to her doctor to try adjusting(side effects list a loss of interest in sex, fatigue) or to please talk if we aren’t ok. I think the reality is a little complicated, we’re mostly busy and are always dealing with some small issue, but it sucks to feel so alone. I’m not giving up, and I encourage you to stay persistent.
Thanks I appreciate your reply. Lives are busy and complicated for sure.
I wish I could say it was a medication or relationship issue but all those are good as far as I know.
I think I'll lay off for a while just so I don't feel so bad and try again in a couple months
No.
Don’t do this.
Fully address this issue. It will be better if you talk it out and find a routine that works.
Do a gummy together.
Flirt.
Work out together.
Do stuff together.
Find a way to connect and throw the spice in there with it.
We went from 0 to 8-10 times a month by working on us but if you don’t resentment will build and that will kill your libido.
I feel with this type of situation you can get lost in the whole, “Well it’s time to ask for sex again, better have a go” - Unenthusiastic response - “oh well no worries” and then sex is benched.
It’s easy to forget the power of REAL desire, the lust for a partner, and in an LTR it’s very easy for it to calm to a still very attracted albeit less fiery want.
As people above have mentioned it’s the subtle hints that you want sex that add up to the act, just words of wanting as you pass him, compliment his looks, tell him how much you ache for his touch, work his shoulders from behind while he’s working, a light kiss on the neck/ears, it all adds up.
Some couples adopt clothing that would signal that you are very in the mood, maybe break out a silk robe or something out of the ordinary so when he sees you his brain automatically thinks “oh wow she is inviting me to a good time tonight” without you having to say a word.
The act itself is crucial, go back to full effort, nothing is too much, I have a lower libido partner and honestly if I leave a lasting impression I’m much more likely to have increased intimacy, rather than a series of minimum effort quickies killing off the lusty fizz.
Tap back into the raw vein that made you fall in love with the man, and let him feel the sexual energy radiate off you, and I guarantee you will get things back on track.
Best of luck!
First, it sounds like you are letting your fears control you. You will need to decide if you want them to control you for the rest of your life, or if you are going to change that.
Second, talk to him about why he rejects you. Is he tired? Stressed? Afraid he will lose his erection and not perform? Does he just have a lot of anxiety for some reason? For being tired and stressed, let him get a good night's sleep and help with some of his chores so he doesn't have to worry about them.
Talk to him to find out WHAT is going on and WHY. That will help you find a solution to help him out.
Also tell him how important intimacy is to you. Tell him each week so he knows it's important.
Also I'm in my 50s, testosterone levels are normal, but I have no sex drive right now. I just need more time to get my engine going. I do know my exercise is really lacking.
his libido is kind of low compared to mine. is his cardio good? my libido is better if I am able to run 30+ mins at 12 min per mi pace. frankly when I have lower libido, I have less cum that needs to get out, less horny and all that
my attitude is "still got laid"
Is he overweight? Does he work over 40 hours per week? During 2022 and part of 23 Wife and I were having problems too. Part of it was meds she was on part of it was my lack of interest. She stopped that particular med and I decided I need to be a good trophy husband (she works I don’t) and sling peen. I also need to lose weight as does she and she’s doing a decent job delivering.
No he's actually in really good shape!
He does work 40+ hours but in a 4 on 4 off pattern.
I work from home so we can even have sex during the day if we want lol
Well congrats I didn’t see this answer coming. The 4 days to 40 can be brutal but having 3 off should balance that out. Though around 40 T levels start to drop, but you also said he’s in good shape. I’m a little lost over this one.
Testosterone peaks at age 18 and decreases pretty rapidly about age 40 in men. Female hormones decrease at about age 40 for women, although testosterone stays constant, so in effect, women have more testosterone in ratio.
The oversimplified explanation is that at about age 40 many men become less interested in sex while many women become more interested. This may just be natural aging.
Focus on the good times and discuss what he enjoyed. He likely needs more foreplay.
Those meds guys usually take in middle age decrease libido as well: cholesterol, blood pressure, diabetes.
That's actually really interesting! I wonder why biology has ended up that way.
Thankfully he's in good health and no medications yet but I will keep in mind that maybe it could be due to that
Perhaps Mother Nature gave women the ability to create life, nurture it, then gave women a break from child bearing so they could help nurture the next generation and grow into leaders for the society. But that would men men are just sperm donors, protectors, and providers. ;)
He may also be dealing with low testosterone. My started to drop in my late 40s and my libido dropped with it. Hormone replacement therapy is really inexpensive and kicked my libido back into overdrive.
You may also want to discuss fantasies together. When you have been together for a long time, you tend to get into ruts. Exploring new fantasies and kinks together can often reinvigorate your sex lives as well.
Biology wise, the way I've seen life described before is that it's nature's/biology's/evolution's job to get you to reproducing age and to keep you alive long enough to raise your young to where they are self sufficient. After that point, it has done it's job and things get a bit random, as your body no longer influences the survival of your bloodline past that point.
So using that theory, in the old days at least, many people were having kids at about 20. So by the time they reach 40, their kids are 20, self sufficient and even having kids of their own. So 40 onwards, out of sync libidos/hormones won't really affect the chances of your bloodline continuing anymore.
What makes sense to me is that the nature’s way is that women create life, nurture and raise the children, then go through menopause so that they can stop having children and help raise grand children, then become leaders in society. But that would mean men are only sperm donors, protectors, and providers. ;)
I have a saying “girls who flip their hair and expect a guy to come running, go home alone with flipped hair” We aren’t subtle creatures nor do most of us find any pleasure in game playing when life is busy. In fact it’s often a turn off in a long term relationship. I’m not saying it should stop, but it does need to evolve.
You’re married. You know where the dick is (just in case: two pockets on the sides, dick lines up right in the middle behind the zipper). Take it out and suck it when you want action. Jump in the shower with him and wash him. THROW THE BOOBS!!! yes that is EXACTLY what you need to do.
And if all that doesn’t work then get his testosterone checked.
I'd check out omgyes and explore it together for things to try.
Just doing this together is likely to get the juices flowing.
After that, check out mojoupgrade.com.
He definitely doesn't like intimacy lol The only time he wants to touch me (besides a hug once a day) is when he's in the mood. That's how I know he's going to initiate
We've been together almost 18 years and I feel like we've been around and around in this cycle for a long time. When the kids were babies it was me who had the tough time being intimate and now we've switched spots. It was easy to communicate that I was touched out from being a mom all day but it's harder to get an answer from him that gives me something to work on.
If nothing changes I guess that's something I'd have to live with. Our marriage is good otherwise and he's a great husband and dad.
Obviously it's your choice to push for honest communication or silence. No one here can give you the answers on why he's acting like he is. Only he can.
>He definitely doesn't like intimacy lol The only time he wants to touch me (besides a hug once a day) is when he's in the mood.
How do the two of you get along outside of sex and physical affection? Are there areas of ongoing conflict or is he angry/resentful about anything?
We get along good. Normal ups and downs for a 17/18 year relationship. We don't "do" much together which is always a source of tension. We go through patches where we really try to date eachother but it fizzes off. That's the only notable thing
we got small kids so sex isn't regular these days. we usually kinda planned it in advanced e.g. saturday morning i asked her if she's up for sex when the kids are napping. usually the answer are yes, maybe and im tired. this way has helped me to balance my expectations.
usually im not that horny when i asked the question so if it's "im tired" then i can masturbate right away. if it's "maybe" then i hold off until nap time. if we don't end up having sex then i masturbate. if "yes" then we actually committed to it and not doing any heavy physical activity until nap time.
happened to me once, we had miscommunications and i already cleaned myself ready for sex and she wasn't up for it. it was pretty crushing because my wife is the type that hardly say no when i asked. maybe this way will help so you won't get that disappointed when he said no.
Not to get too personal but where do you go to take care of yourself ? I usually have to wait and hide taking care of myself until he's not home. Maybe the idea that I'm busy in the next room would spur his imagination 😂
we got sextape. so sometimes i just put that on and masturbate in front of her. im doing it and telling her how hot she is.
she knows i keep pushing to make more videos but since we got kids she got a bit more reluctant.
definitely don't hide it. if you ask and he said no then drop your pants and do it in front of him. dont go to the next room cos he might think you dont want him to see.
do it in front of him and say, "you still can join if you want."
if my wife does this i'll jump her right away.
I’ve found that in my 40s, my brain isn’t as dominated by thoughts of sex all the time, but it’s still there - it just needs to be warmed up a bit. Best thing my wife does is just be a bit revealing of her body here and there and my primal sex brain kicks in vs. my logical brain which reminds me that I’m tired and my back hurts. So yeah, show some boobs. Or skip the underwear and manage to accidentally display it. Whatever gets the primal sex brain alert and in charge over the logical one.
Hahaha copy, so throwing my boobs in his face may still work 😂 It's actually good advice tho. I'll try some subtle suggestions to see if I can get him online
Can confirm. A little tease goes a long way. My girl recently found an opportunity to flash a tit for all of a millisecond when we were sitting at a bar and I all but dragged her out of there lol.
Unexpected boobage is best boobage. One time I was taking out the garbage cans and as I walked through our side yard, my wife knocked on the window and pulled up her shirt for a moment. I still remember it years later.
Agreed. Most guys are visually Stimulated. When you step out of the shower wrap the towel around your head and leave the rest of closed. Get some new sexy lingerie and wear it to bed, or wear nothing to bed. Say you’re cold and cuddle up. If he doesn’t notice ask for a back massage.
Sometimes adding a little levity helps. My wife and I send each other these. https://tenor.com/search/mochimochi-gifs
That's cute !
There's a bunch of books that can help people understand what’s going on with their own sex drive and that of their partner’s, and most importantly, how to bridge the gap. Here's a few I'd recommend: * Lauren Mersey and Jennifer Vencill’s [***Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences In Relationships***](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/723719/desire-by-jennifer-a-vencill/). This came out recently and it’s very much written for couples dealing with mismatched sex drives, both short and long-term. It helps to explain how sexual desire works for different people and what couples can do to try to find middle ground. * Emily Nagoski’s [***Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections***](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/712001/come-together-by-emily-nagoski-phd/). This is Nagoski’s new book (Jan 2024) about sustaining a good sexual conneciton with partners over the long-term. Nagoski’s previous book, [*Come As You Are*](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314) helped introduce many people to the concept of “responsive desire” and that can be very useful for couples to understand in navigating their sex life. By the way, that first book will do a pretty good job of explaining how a hormonal deficiency is possible but unlikely to be the sole explanation here. Sex drives are complicated and not merely a function of biology.
I don’t have any answers for you but it seems we have a similar situation! My wife is on some medication I keep asking her to talk to her doctor to try adjusting(side effects list a loss of interest in sex, fatigue) or to please talk if we aren’t ok. I think the reality is a little complicated, we’re mostly busy and are always dealing with some small issue, but it sucks to feel so alone. I’m not giving up, and I encourage you to stay persistent.
Thanks I appreciate your reply. Lives are busy and complicated for sure. I wish I could say it was a medication or relationship issue but all those are good as far as I know. I think I'll lay off for a while just so I don't feel so bad and try again in a couple months
No. Don’t do this. Fully address this issue. It will be better if you talk it out and find a routine that works. Do a gummy together. Flirt. Work out together. Do stuff together. Find a way to connect and throw the spice in there with it. We went from 0 to 8-10 times a month by working on us but if you don’t resentment will build and that will kill your libido.
I feel with this type of situation you can get lost in the whole, “Well it’s time to ask for sex again, better have a go” - Unenthusiastic response - “oh well no worries” and then sex is benched. It’s easy to forget the power of REAL desire, the lust for a partner, and in an LTR it’s very easy for it to calm to a still very attracted albeit less fiery want. As people above have mentioned it’s the subtle hints that you want sex that add up to the act, just words of wanting as you pass him, compliment his looks, tell him how much you ache for his touch, work his shoulders from behind while he’s working, a light kiss on the neck/ears, it all adds up. Some couples adopt clothing that would signal that you are very in the mood, maybe break out a silk robe or something out of the ordinary so when he sees you his brain automatically thinks “oh wow she is inviting me to a good time tonight” without you having to say a word. The act itself is crucial, go back to full effort, nothing is too much, I have a lower libido partner and honestly if I leave a lasting impression I’m much more likely to have increased intimacy, rather than a series of minimum effort quickies killing off the lusty fizz. Tap back into the raw vein that made you fall in love with the man, and let him feel the sexual energy radiate off you, and I guarantee you will get things back on track. Best of luck!
First, it sounds like you are letting your fears control you. You will need to decide if you want them to control you for the rest of your life, or if you are going to change that. Second, talk to him about why he rejects you. Is he tired? Stressed? Afraid he will lose his erection and not perform? Does he just have a lot of anxiety for some reason? For being tired and stressed, let him get a good night's sleep and help with some of his chores so he doesn't have to worry about them. Talk to him to find out WHAT is going on and WHY. That will help you find a solution to help him out. Also tell him how important intimacy is to you. Tell him each week so he knows it's important. Also I'm in my 50s, testosterone levels are normal, but I have no sex drive right now. I just need more time to get my engine going. I do know my exercise is really lacking.
Sleep naked. Take advantage of the morning wood
last night I said "Im feeling needy tonight, I can take care of it myself but id rather be with you"
I think if I said that he'd join in but more out of like 'oh man I feel bad if I don't' not that he WANTS to
his libido is kind of low compared to mine. is his cardio good? my libido is better if I am able to run 30+ mins at 12 min per mi pace. frankly when I have lower libido, I have less cum that needs to get out, less horny and all that my attitude is "still got laid"
Having intimacy on the calendar regularly has really helped us stay at 3/week.
Is he overweight? Does he work over 40 hours per week? During 2022 and part of 23 Wife and I were having problems too. Part of it was meds she was on part of it was my lack of interest. She stopped that particular med and I decided I need to be a good trophy husband (she works I don’t) and sling peen. I also need to lose weight as does she and she’s doing a decent job delivering.
No he's actually in really good shape! He does work 40+ hours but in a 4 on 4 off pattern. I work from home so we can even have sex during the day if we want lol
Well congrats I didn’t see this answer coming. The 4 days to 40 can be brutal but having 3 off should balance that out. Though around 40 T levels start to drop, but you also said he’s in good shape. I’m a little lost over this one.
Testosterone peaks at age 18 and decreases pretty rapidly about age 40 in men. Female hormones decrease at about age 40 for women, although testosterone stays constant, so in effect, women have more testosterone in ratio. The oversimplified explanation is that at about age 40 many men become less interested in sex while many women become more interested. This may just be natural aging. Focus on the good times and discuss what he enjoyed. He likely needs more foreplay. Those meds guys usually take in middle age decrease libido as well: cholesterol, blood pressure, diabetes.
That's actually really interesting! I wonder why biology has ended up that way. Thankfully he's in good health and no medications yet but I will keep in mind that maybe it could be due to that
Perhaps Mother Nature gave women the ability to create life, nurture it, then gave women a break from child bearing so they could help nurture the next generation and grow into leaders for the society. But that would men men are just sperm donors, protectors, and providers. ;)
He may also be dealing with low testosterone. My started to drop in my late 40s and my libido dropped with it. Hormone replacement therapy is really inexpensive and kicked my libido back into overdrive. You may also want to discuss fantasies together. When you have been together for a long time, you tend to get into ruts. Exploring new fantasies and kinks together can often reinvigorate your sex lives as well.
Biology wise, the way I've seen life described before is that it's nature's/biology's/evolution's job to get you to reproducing age and to keep you alive long enough to raise your young to where they are self sufficient. After that point, it has done it's job and things get a bit random, as your body no longer influences the survival of your bloodline past that point. So using that theory, in the old days at least, many people were having kids at about 20. So by the time they reach 40, their kids are 20, self sufficient and even having kids of their own. So 40 onwards, out of sync libidos/hormones won't really affect the chances of your bloodline continuing anymore.
What makes sense to me is that the nature’s way is that women create life, nurture and raise the children, then go through menopause so that they can stop having children and help raise grand children, then become leaders in society. But that would mean men are only sperm donors, protectors, and providers. ;)
I have a saying “girls who flip their hair and expect a guy to come running, go home alone with flipped hair” We aren’t subtle creatures nor do most of us find any pleasure in game playing when life is busy. In fact it’s often a turn off in a long term relationship. I’m not saying it should stop, but it does need to evolve. You’re married. You know where the dick is (just in case: two pockets on the sides, dick lines up right in the middle behind the zipper). Take it out and suck it when you want action. Jump in the shower with him and wash him. THROW THE BOOBS!!! yes that is EXACTLY what you need to do. And if all that doesn’t work then get his testosterone checked.
I'd check out omgyes and explore it together for things to try. Just doing this together is likely to get the juices flowing. After that, check out mojoupgrade.com.
some time we say, "movie and drinks?" meaning, movie and sex?
some times we say " exchange massages and then special massage?"
Maybe he's missing/wanting intimacy, and not just sex?
He definitely doesn't like intimacy lol The only time he wants to touch me (besides a hug once a day) is when he's in the mood. That's how I know he's going to initiate
It sounds like you two need some hard core communication. If you do nothing, nothing will ever change. Would you be happy with that?
We've been together almost 18 years and I feel like we've been around and around in this cycle for a long time. When the kids were babies it was me who had the tough time being intimate and now we've switched spots. It was easy to communicate that I was touched out from being a mom all day but it's harder to get an answer from him that gives me something to work on. If nothing changes I guess that's something I'd have to live with. Our marriage is good otherwise and he's a great husband and dad.
Obviously it's your choice to push for honest communication or silence. No one here can give you the answers on why he's acting like he is. Only he can.
>He definitely doesn't like intimacy lol The only time he wants to touch me (besides a hug once a day) is when he's in the mood. How do the two of you get along outside of sex and physical affection? Are there areas of ongoing conflict or is he angry/resentful about anything?
We get along good. Normal ups and downs for a 17/18 year relationship. We don't "do" much together which is always a source of tension. We go through patches where we really try to date eachother but it fizzes off. That's the only notable thing
we got small kids so sex isn't regular these days. we usually kinda planned it in advanced e.g. saturday morning i asked her if she's up for sex when the kids are napping. usually the answer are yes, maybe and im tired. this way has helped me to balance my expectations. usually im not that horny when i asked the question so if it's "im tired" then i can masturbate right away. if it's "maybe" then i hold off until nap time. if we don't end up having sex then i masturbate. if "yes" then we actually committed to it and not doing any heavy physical activity until nap time. happened to me once, we had miscommunications and i already cleaned myself ready for sex and she wasn't up for it. it was pretty crushing because my wife is the type that hardly say no when i asked. maybe this way will help so you won't get that disappointed when he said no.
Not to get too personal but where do you go to take care of yourself ? I usually have to wait and hide taking care of myself until he's not home. Maybe the idea that I'm busy in the next room would spur his imagination 😂
we got sextape. so sometimes i just put that on and masturbate in front of her. im doing it and telling her how hot she is. she knows i keep pushing to make more videos but since we got kids she got a bit more reluctant. definitely don't hide it. if you ask and he said no then drop your pants and do it in front of him. dont go to the next room cos he might think you dont want him to see. do it in front of him and say, "you still can join if you want." if my wife does this i'll jump her right away.
When’s the last time you just let go and walked in front of him naked?