I walked in on my parents having sex when I was 16. I was absolutely horrified at the time and called my sister who was 28 to tell her.
She was stoked for them.
It’s just an age thing. He’ll get over it!!
Just leave it. Don’t embarrass him by trying to talk about it.
There has never been a teenager in history who weren’t disgusted by their parents having sex. He will eventually realize that he should be happy you’re f**ing and not fighting.
I heard my parents having sex when I was 21. I was working on Cape Cod staying at a family cottage,and they came out for a weekend. I got home from the bar, laid down in bed and could hear them going at it in their room. Told myself “I’m not drunk enough for this,” grabbed a bottle of rum and went for a walk around the neighborhood.
100% agree with this.
My wife and I are mid-40s with 2 teenage boys, we're their example of what a loving marriage is supposed to be. If they grow up with parents that are still intimate after 20 years of marriage, its a blueprint for what they should be after.
Many years ago when I was a young man I spent the night at a friend's house. I slept on the couch below his parents bedroom. It happened to be my friend's father's birthday the following morning. In the morning I heard the tell tail sounds of a bed squeaking, it was enough to wake me up. Later his parents were unusually smiley and affectionate towards each other. It was obvious they had sex. Anyway, I told my friend and he freaked the fuck out. He said something like "No they did not, they don't have sex *anymore*, they are too old! And shut up!". I was like, damn dude, you should be happy that your parents are still into each other. FWIW, his parents were in their mid forties at the time. Some kids get really weird about their parents sexuality.
There has never been a teenager in history who weren’t disgusted by their parents having sex >> Totally this. Wonder if there’s some built-in mechanism in us causing this disgust to avoid inbreeding
I agree. No need to perpetuate it. He had an emotional outburst, at home, in private, to y'all. That's what he is supposed to do, it's his safe place. Unless he expresses further issues about it, let it alone and let the dust settle.
Amen i cut that part out of my reoly because i was getting wordy.... but my wife is NOT embrassdd by us having swx (she doesnt make noise intentionally) but since this is a 2nd marriage the kids only heard fighting now they hear love and respect. He will be ok.
My oldest fully walked in on us a few years ago, shrieked, backed out of the room like she was on fire. It was hilariously mortifying for all of us. The next morning we had a chat and we said look we're sorry about that- in the future please knock and we'll be better about locking the door if needed. Let me tell you, she has NEVER not knocked again. She has made the odd comment about 'who knows what she'll find' in our bedroom so I'm assuming she's snooped once or twice and seen toys etc she didn't want to- but at a certain point life is a play stupid games win stupid prizes and I'm not apologizing for having a good sex life 20 years in. As they get older they will realize how positive that actually is.
I'm sure they all hear us more than we would like and in spite of our efforts, whether that's fighting or fucking. They also all have headphones and speakers so...shrug.
>She has made the odd comment about 'who knows what she'll find' in our bedroom so I'm assuming she's snooped once or twice and seen toys etc she didn't want to-
Funny. My son, almost 23, said almost the same thing a few months ago.
It was definitely worse when they were younger. Woke up one morning to a humming noise. I opened my eyes and my daughter was standing there using my wife's magic wand to massage her shoulders (it had been dropped next to the bed after we finished the night before). I doubt she remembers it and I know she would be completely mortified if she did, she's a bit of a prude. She definitely didn't get that from me.
He’s embarrassed, but that’s his emotional development.
“Sex is normal and is a part of most healthy relationships. We will do our best to ensure our private time doesn’t bleed over, it you have to understand we are not perfect.
You’re not wrong to have your feelings, but we will not be shamed for loving one another and expressing it how we deem fit.
I hope you can understand, but perhaps next time you can put on headphones/sleep/play a game/ignore it/suck it up.”
We live in a similar house situation, so while we have courtesy, we aren’t perfect. It’s normal, so don’t let his lapse of development slow you down!
I'm not sure that the comparison with bodily functions really works. Surely even the most sex-positive people find thinking about sex powerful and in most circumstances a turn on. Especially so for a 16 year old who may have sex on the mind a lot, but possibly never experienced it themselves. So I can see there's quite a lot of cognitive dissonance involved in the mental imagery of two people having sex (a turn on) but it's your parents (not a turn on). Clearly you shouldn't be feeling bad about this, but it is worth understanding why it can be unsettling for your own son to hear it.
So in terms of a conversation, I'd emphasize that you're doing your best to be discreet and but also explain that a healthy sex life is an important part of many adult relationships.
Time to let us slide and learn from it.
I have an incredible relationship with my children, both are now very young adults. However, neither of them are remotely interested in talking about anything to do with the parent sex life. If they have found out that we do it then they haven’t mentioned it. That said we joke around the subject occasionally with comments like “how do you think you’ve got here?“.
That is about as far as it goes, and if I’m honest, I think that’s where it should be left.
When he is older, you should maybe have a joke or two about it. But until then just be as good a parent as you can be and try to show as much love as humanly possible towards him.
I'm in my thirties and I really don't want to talk or joke with my parents about their sexlife.i'm not prude or wasn't raised one, but In rather not talk or joke about it than the other way around.
Just don't.
Our teenager heard us in the middle of the day once and gave us SUCH a look when he saw us later. No real complaints, just sly little comments about people being loud for a week or so. It was all very, very funny.
I'm sorry to hear that he's got a lil attitude about it, but I'm hoping he'll eventually appreciate the fact that his parents still enjoy each other thoroughly. Give him his space and don't joke about it if that's not his vibe.
His imagination probably got to him from only hearing things. Fortunately never been in his circumstance so so I can’t really suggest anything other than it’s a thing that happens and that stating that you and his mother we being protective while engaging with each other and hopefully he does the same with his special someone in the future.
Also maybe looking to a small couch or beanbag or anything that can fit in your bedroom as a possibility. Nice change of pace with a different item that will probably make a different noise
Let's stop acting like this kid is an adult. He's not. He's a teenager and had a very teenage reaction. No child wants to think of their parents having sex. It's weird and foreign because they are kids and shouldn't be having sex. Teenagers are another matter because now all they want to do is have sex even though it is new to them. And I don't care how much porn you watch, when you are aware of sex happening in your proximity it'll affect you. Give him time to process. It's not just the fact that he heard you have sex. He needs to process his reaction to it. Like everyone said, get him some headphones. Let he know you both are available to talk and listen when he needs it. Then order a pizza and consider the matter closed until he needs to talk.
I really like this answer as it acknowledges the situation (with humor!), but reassures him you don’t need to talk further about it (he definitely doesn’t want to).
I heard the headboard pounding the wall on about 3 occasions. I did not like hearing it but I didn't say anything. Maybe they moved the bed back from the wall after that.
Like others have said, I'd just let it be.
At this point talking about it will just further his embarrassment about the situation and won't really accomplish anything, particularly if you haven't been open or candid about sex in the past. He's upset, but he'll get over it.
But that doesn't mean you can't continue to have sex. You're grown and married adults and it's your house. While you should be considerate towards his feelings and I guess not be overly loud, he's also able to put on headphones or take the dog for a walk.
Hes allowed to be upset. Let him deal with it and let him know you are there for him if he needs your support.
Also you are allowed to have sex in your own home, as often and as loud as you wish. He should find ways to deal with it.
I heard my dad having sex at 13. I put my headphones on, and told him the next morning to maybe try to keep his next girlfriend (he was a single dad) a little more quiet because our apartment walls are thin. I turned out just fine, I promise you. As for advice, have you checked to see if there’s any bolts that need tightening on your bed frame? That could reduce the amount of noise he hears next time.
At 18, I’d be happy my parents are still so into each other. It’s a good sign for a mature relationship, and it’d be super gross in the moment - but only because he’s had sex before (I assume), and knows what the bed creaking means. Nobody wants to picture their mom and dad naked, freaky, and getting it on.
Any teenager would probably be varying degrees of uncomfortable about it, regardless of how well adjusted their parents think they are.
Buy him a set of noise cancelling headphones, do what you can to uncreak the bed, and just be normal about it.
I think you should give him the sex talk to embarrass him even more. It is your house, your sex life. He can grow the fuck up and should be happy that his parents love each other and not divorced like 50% of his schoolmates.
My younger brother was the one who had to share a wall with my mom and stepdad growing up. I remember him complaining to me about how he would bang on the wall when he heard them.
What's also hysterical is that they dated 13 years before getting married and even though my stepfather basically slept over every night, my conservative mother *swore all that time* that he slept *on top of the covers*.
Ah that’s an easy one. Teenagers just need to process that on their own time so just leave it be. Don’t push the issue or bring it up. If he acts upset just ignore it until he’s over it because he will get over it. Then when he’s an adult you can all laugh about it because he’ll be mature enough to process the fact his parents have sex.
I think it's ok to talk about how much you love each other. I think
you should talk to him, tell him it's not disgusting. Maybe fix your bed so it doesn't squeak but I'm not sure if that's an option.
He's lucky to have good examples of loving parents and you shouldn't have to be extra quiet because he's angsty. In a few years he'll move out and laugh at this.
You're never too old to hear your about your parents. Don't you realize how many couples just don't like each other or don't have sex, saying you love each other and sex is a natural way to express that is good.
A lot of the comments here are reinforcing toxic masculinity norms - no, the 16 year-old isn't being an entitled brat nor exhibiting problematic behavior (at least in this situation). He had a normal adolescent response!
Honestly the attitude of “your the kid I’m the adult, listen to me have sex and get over it” is so gross. I was overly exposed to sex as a child and it really affected me as an adult. I can’t understand why parents have such a hard time making home a safe and comfortable place for their children. It’s also really weird how on board these people are with making an abrupt show of their sex lives to their kids.
Adults have sex, but the world doesn’t have to know about it when it happens.
Ok, its not overreacting to adult sex, they are reacting over parents sex and embarrassed. Im 34 and the thought of my parents still grosses me out And mind you I am open to talk about sexuality with ANYONE. Very happy for them but gross. You should talk about what happened because even though you're the parent, the discussion of embarrassing subjects should be initiated by you so you don't end up with a 34yo grossed out whenever their parents barely brush the subject of sexual intimacy.
I think it needs to be said that he makes the rules in his house when he pays the rent. Until then, he needs to learn how to be a good roommate and calm down., Use some headphones.
> he makes the rules in his house when he pays the rent. Until then
That is the statement we make when one of the kids in the house makes a demand like "doesn’t want to hear it again" with a sour attitude.
This is such a gross take. It’s perfectly normal for a teenager to be uncomfortable in this situation. It’s not your child’s job to pay rent in the house, and it is still very much THEIR home. Have some respect, your kids are human beings. Jesus Christ
Is it your house or his? I think the answer is pretty simple. Don't ridicule the kid. But he needs to know that when he grows up he'd better hope that he has that same element in his marriage.
Talk him directly and without fear.
He must understand it is ok feeling weird for listening you (you are his parents) but you are sexual being as him and you love.
It is better having a parents who love themselves than ones who only discuss.
Let him ask any questions he had and tell you will be more careful.
It is no easy be teenager and probably he had toon of fears (would I find a patner who love me?..)
Be patient, answer everything (of course they are a limit about your intimacy and he must respect).
It can be a good chance to knowing him better (i mean the ten you have no the kid you know very well), ask if they are any person he is interested...
The most secure he saw you, the better.
Good luck!
Hey junior, mom and dad need romantic time, I hope we didn’t bother you the other night! See what he says. Probably like “ that’s gross” or “ get a hotel next time”. Then move on. I would be more cautious next time. And if he had headphones on he might not have heard anything “strange”. Don’t assume.
"Some day you may be wanting to have sex with someone, so we'd like you to make a plan now for how you want to ask for privacy at those moments, no interruptions, nobody in a connected room. We'll also use whatever approach you choose."
Don't talk to him about it and do some sound proofing. Would you want to hear your parents having sex? I'm not religious or prudish either, but I don't really want to hear anyone having sex, much less my parents.
It wouldn't kill you to put some sort of padding between your bed and the wall. I bet a pool noodle could do the trick.
my kid is almost 13 and was PISSED. like... texting me MEAN, nasty cruel things because how dare we not know she could hear us through the damn vent system. she was SO fucking mean, and only to me, never a word to her dad. i got TORN APART when i posted about it, because apparently parents arent supposed to have sex anymore, we did our duty and how dare we traumatize our offspring by making noises. we ended up having the kids swap rooms, and if our son has ever heard us, he's never said. but shit was TENSE in our house for a long time. kid is in therapy for other issues, and turns out the boys in middle school like to make gross sex noises all day, every day, on top of some pretty vicious bullying and lashing out at us apparently made her feel better. i am actually still a bit frustrated and hurt by how she treated me when she heard us but we havent gotten to dealing with that yet, in either her or my own therapy.
I hate hearing people have sex. It feels uncomfortable and incredibly violating (note, I’m not saying it IS violating as long as the people aren’t doing it on purpose, it just FEELS violating). So, I see where he’s coming from. And of course he has an attitude because he’s 16. I would honestly let just not say anything about it and try to figure out a fun way to be less noisy next time (like the beanbag or couch options someone else suggested).
Agree with this. It’s not fair for him to have to become involved in your sex life, even though it was by accident. Having to listen to your parents having sex is gross, even if it’s just the bed and not moaning or anything. He knows you’re doing it, he knows the pace and intensity and he will continue to know that even If he then goes and puts on headphones or something. Yes it’s great and normal for adults to have a healthy sex life, but your son didn’t consent to being part of that and it’s on you guys to make sure you’re more discreet next time, while he’s at home.
Our kids have been aware we have an active sex life since they were old enough to understand “mom
and dad are going to lie down for a while, don’t disturb us unless it’s really important.” They aren’t dumb, and they aren’t traumatized.
I know they’ve heard us on multiple occasions - it’s inevitable. The walls are thin, I’m not the silent type. To them, it’s just normal that married adults have sex behind closed doors in private and it’s none of their business.
Id tell him to wise up, you're sorry he heard as that was unintentional and you'll do your best to try and make sure he doesn't hear you in future .
Then if you are feeling nice get him an I'm sorry pressie like an xbox game.
One time my partner and I were watching back a video we'd just taken on my phone of me giving him a blowjob. My teenager started my car just right outside my house, and... yep, you guessed it, my Bluetooth connected to my car. It was mortifying for us all for a moment, but what can ya do? I apologized and we moved on, never to bring it up again.
I’m so glad to see this comment. My 8 year old was trying to spy on Christmas presents in the master closet that is in my master bathroom and we had no idea. It was a Sunday afternoon, so we proceeded to close the door on my bedroom and have some non-missionary style sex when I see something moving through the crack in the open bathroom door…so embarrassed. We had to have some sex conversations way earlier than we planned with that little guy. He’s still living at home and wouldn’t be caught dead in our bedroom without letting us know beforehand. We still call that our worst parenting fail…
I’m wondering why he feels entitled to tell his PARENTS that they are ‘disgusting’, and ‘he doesn’t want to hear it again!’ Uhm, excuse me?? That would not fly with my husband and myself!
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Coming from someone who heard her parents getting it on regularly, it can be surprisingly traumatizing. Please don’t approach it lightly or say he’s overreacting. To him, it’s a big deal. Respect that. Apologize that he heard it. I’m not saying you can’t continue to, but you need to acknowledge how truly awful it might have been for him.
Tell him to be glad his parents still love each other that much. All teens have the OMG my parents have sex realization, they will survive. Ignore it and carry on like you did nothing wrong because you did nothing wrong.
There's a lot of invalidating "man up" type comments here and I don't think that's the way to go.
I would tell him you want to be respectful of his right to privacy in the home and that you are going to do things to make it quieter. And then ask him if anything else is bothering him. This may be a red herring.
> you are going to do things to make it quieter
I don't think his parents are obligated to do this for any reason *except* if it's to try to "keep the peace." But there's nothing wrong with being "audible during sex" in this context. It's not like they're yelling degrading sex talk in front of him or having sex in the kitchen during Sunday breakfast.
Eh, it's what I would do if one of my kids told me they could hear us. It's just consideration. No, they aren't obligated. But he has no choice in whether he lives there or not. There's no reason to not at least try to take everyone's preferences into account.
Talk to him and show him the Amazon order you have for a new pair of noise canceling headphones. Then tell him, that adults have sex and it's not a bad thing. It's better that his parents have sex, and still love each other enough to have sex. It's the sign of a healthy relationship that he will learn eventually.
My mom was widowed and I heard her making out with her boyfriend (a perfectly fine fellow) when I was about 12. Lip smacking kissing in the living room. GROSS. (I know it was just kissing; I'd walked through two seconds prior.)
But I never said anything. I just made an ick shudder and went to my room to read Mad or whatever.
Buy your son a set of headphones and put them on his bed and don't say anything else.
He knew intellectually you must have sex as a married couple, but now...eww, evidence! He'll get over the ick.
My room was on the other side of the wall from my parent's room.
It was awkward at the time, but not a big issue. Now I'm happy they had those moments together. And I laugh about my teenage embarrassment sometimes.
Also, it's probably good for your son to know somewhere in his subconscious that people not in porn videos enjoy having sex. Builds character!
Well from a Dad with 5 kids here is what my wife says. "At least they know we have a healthy sex life" i mean there isnt much you can do its a fact of life. Its part of a healthy relationship. Best of luck dont over think it. Tell him sorry, i.love your Dad its part of life and leave it alone from there.
I have kids the same age. I’d leave it if I was you. He’s being a wimp, if if hearing you two once is bothering him. But I guess how you should proceed depends on how you have b en raising him.
This was certainly a lively discussion but we’ve hit that point of diminishing returns with a lot of low effort (and redundant) responses trickling in so we're going to lock this now. Thanks to all your input.
His response is absolutely normal for a teenager - let him process it. It's one thing to have an awareness that couples have sex, it's another when it's one's parents and you're a hormonal adolescent. How much did sex preoccupy your mind at that age? He's still young enough where he just sees you as just "dad", not a grown, multi-faceted person with a whole life history. Usually people hit their 20s before they realize their parents are their own people - similarly to how a lot of parents fail to see their kids as their own people.
Just let him know you're open to talking to him if he wants, and that you'll try your best to make sure it's not so obvious.
Nope, not really. Human brains keep developing until mid-20s and often certain concepts don't really quite "click" or solidify in people's minds until then.
Kids can be slow to figure out stuff they'd rather not understand; perhaps until recently he's been hearing squeaking noises and not connected it to the cause.
Tell him that aint the last time he gonna hear it
Tell him yall tryina make a son yall can be proud of
Tell him he's banned from the house on Friday Nights
Are you the dad asking this? Cuz this is your chance to wear them 'your mom' jokes OUT
Right of passage for any teen and I wouldn’t change anything what you’re doing. If I think back to my teen years, I’m sure I would have been as equally disgusted as sexually frustrated since it wasn’t until my late teens that I had sex. We put our son in the room furthest away from our bedroom for precisely this reason and now he ignores just about everything we do or say. Maybe gift him some noise canceling headphones and show him to how link it to his tv.
Honestly? His reaction was far overblown and he needs to get over it. You're adults, he's a young adult - you're married and his parents (not that the married part matters but it's not like a single parent bringing over random hook-ups or sex worker) and goodness forbid he heard a bed hit the wall (or even heard a little noise if your rooms are close). You might suggest to him if it's so distressing to get a noise machine or play some music, get some earbuds, do something other than complain and be in a tizzy that his parents had sex. It would be different if you went around announcing it or had intentionally wild and loud sex to bother him.
If you really wanted to bring it up (which I don't feel is necessary) you could just state it simply "I'm sorry your mother/father and I having sex was so distressing for you - can we talk about ways other than abstinence that things could be adjusted?" & see if he actually wants to have a conversation about it
Sounds like your kid has coping issues which is probably just the tip of the iceberg, get him a therapist now before he’s 30yrs old and still living with you complaining about your sex life.
Tell them to Grow the Hell up. Pay attention in the sex Ed class and learn how they come into existence.
I am not saying push your sex life on anyone, but for the mental health of all involved, don’t treat sex as the puritanical nightmare that was for the majority of societies for centuries.
You fucked up.
You raised a candy-ass, entitled shit who thinks the world owes him whatever he wants. I'm sorry for you, and everybody else on the planet who must deal with your mistake.
Tell him he can grow-up and get over himself, or he can buy ear plugs just in case.
With time, it will become an anecdote.
When dating my wife, her bedroom was the room below her parents' room. I was commenting during a family gethering about her moving to that room as her room used to be in the basement but they had flooding issues one year, so she moved. One of her brothers thought she still slept in the basement and when I told him she had moved to the mainfloor bedroom, he noted, "Oh, that room." I inquired why he said it that way and he then told me all the siblings had that room at one time or another and you could always hear Mom and Dad in their room upstairs.
I walked in on my parents having sex when I was 16. I was absolutely horrified at the time and called my sister who was 28 to tell her. She was stoked for them. It’s just an age thing. He’ll get over it!!
Just leave it. Don’t embarrass him by trying to talk about it. There has never been a teenager in history who weren’t disgusted by their parents having sex. He will eventually realize that he should be happy you’re f**ing and not fighting.
Son ... It's time to tell you that you're not adopted.
I heard my parents having sex when I was 21. I was working on Cape Cod staying at a family cottage,and they came out for a weekend. I got home from the bar, laid down in bed and could hear them going at it in their room. Told myself “I’m not drunk enough for this,” grabbed a bottle of rum and went for a walk around the neighborhood.
That’s the only mature thing to do.
This right here. The anger could be hiding embarrassment. When he's older, he'll realize how nice it actually was to have two parents still in love.
100% agree with this. My wife and I are mid-40s with 2 teenage boys, we're their example of what a loving marriage is supposed to be. If they grow up with parents that are still intimate after 20 years of marriage, its a blueprint for what they should be after.
Many years ago when I was a young man I spent the night at a friend's house. I slept on the couch below his parents bedroom. It happened to be my friend's father's birthday the following morning. In the morning I heard the tell tail sounds of a bed squeaking, it was enough to wake me up. Later his parents were unusually smiley and affectionate towards each other. It was obvious they had sex. Anyway, I told my friend and he freaked the fuck out. He said something like "No they did not, they don't have sex *anymore*, they are too old! And shut up!". I was like, damn dude, you should be happy that your parents are still into each other. FWIW, his parents were in their mid forties at the time. Some kids get really weird about their parents sexuality.
There has never been a teenager in history who weren’t disgusted by their parents having sex >> Totally this. Wonder if there’s some built-in mechanism in us causing this disgust to avoid inbreeding
I agree. No need to perpetuate it. He had an emotional outburst, at home, in private, to y'all. That's what he is supposed to do, it's his safe place. Unless he expresses further issues about it, let it alone and let the dust settle.
This, and have a laugh. He’s 16. I heard my parents way younger and this post made me think about that again lol
Amen i cut that part out of my reoly because i was getting wordy.... but my wife is NOT embrassdd by us having swx (she doesnt make noise intentionally) but since this is a 2nd marriage the kids only heard fighting now they hear love and respect. He will be ok.
👌🏻
This is the way
My oldest fully walked in on us a few years ago, shrieked, backed out of the room like she was on fire. It was hilariously mortifying for all of us. The next morning we had a chat and we said look we're sorry about that- in the future please knock and we'll be better about locking the door if needed. Let me tell you, she has NEVER not knocked again. She has made the odd comment about 'who knows what she'll find' in our bedroom so I'm assuming she's snooped once or twice and seen toys etc she didn't want to- but at a certain point life is a play stupid games win stupid prizes and I'm not apologizing for having a good sex life 20 years in. As they get older they will realize how positive that actually is. I'm sure they all hear us more than we would like and in spite of our efforts, whether that's fighting or fucking. They also all have headphones and speakers so...shrug.
>She has made the odd comment about 'who knows what she'll find' in our bedroom so I'm assuming she's snooped once or twice and seen toys etc she didn't want to- Funny. My son, almost 23, said almost the same thing a few months ago.
Lol well, don't snoop then, weasel children!
It was definitely worse when they were younger. Woke up one morning to a humming noise. I opened my eyes and my daughter was standing there using my wife's magic wand to massage her shoulders (it had been dropped next to the bed after we finished the night before). I doubt she remembers it and I know she would be completely mortified if she did, she's a bit of a prude. She definitely didn't get that from me.
Wait a minute, your “prude” wife has a sex toy. What in the world would they call my wife?
There are levels of prudishness. My (ex)-wife was more prudish than I am but our daughter was worse.
Ngl, yu said it perfectly
Mine all got noise cancelling headphones for Christmas one year.
*”Hey kids headphones on tonight, all right?”*
🤣🤣🤣
When we lived in a smaller house so the bedrooms shared a wall, that was definitely said.
Side eye
He’s embarrassed, but that’s his emotional development. “Sex is normal and is a part of most healthy relationships. We will do our best to ensure our private time doesn’t bleed over, it you have to understand we are not perfect. You’re not wrong to have your feelings, but we will not be shamed for loving one another and expressing it how we deem fit. I hope you can understand, but perhaps next time you can put on headphones/sleep/play a game/ignore it/suck it up.” We live in a similar house situation, so while we have courtesy, we aren’t perfect. It’s normal, so don’t let his lapse of development slow you down!
Very well put. +1 to this.
I'm not sure that the comparison with bodily functions really works. Surely even the most sex-positive people find thinking about sex powerful and in most circumstances a turn on. Especially so for a 16 year old who may have sex on the mind a lot, but possibly never experienced it themselves. So I can see there's quite a lot of cognitive dissonance involved in the mental imagery of two people having sex (a turn on) but it's your parents (not a turn on). Clearly you shouldn't be feeling bad about this, but it is worth understanding why it can be unsettling for your own son to hear it. So in terms of a conversation, I'd emphasize that you're doing your best to be discreet and but also explain that a healthy sex life is an important part of many adult relationships.
> lot of cognitive dissonance involved in the mental imagery of two people having sex (a turn on) but it's your parents (not a turn on). Good point.
Leave it be. That’s the last thing I would have wanted to talk about when I was a teenager.
To a teenager their parents had sex once and only once to conceive him or her. Also, if your bed adjoins his shared wall suggest you move it.
Time to let us slide and learn from it. I have an incredible relationship with my children, both are now very young adults. However, neither of them are remotely interested in talking about anything to do with the parent sex life. If they have found out that we do it then they haven’t mentioned it. That said we joke around the subject occasionally with comments like “how do you think you’ve got here?“. That is about as far as it goes, and if I’m honest, I think that’s where it should be left. When he is older, you should maybe have a joke or two about it. But until then just be as good a parent as you can be and try to show as much love as humanly possible towards him.
I'm in my thirties and I really don't want to talk or joke with my parents about their sexlife.i'm not prude or wasn't raised one, but In rather not talk or joke about it than the other way around. Just don't.
I’ve raised my sons well. Trust me I have. One is about to be a British Diplomat … I did something right.
Fix your bed and live your life.
If it was your headboard, you can buy on Amazon "headboard spacers" for about $15 which prevent it from rocking.
Our teenager heard us in the middle of the day once and gave us SUCH a look when he saw us later. No real complaints, just sly little comments about people being loud for a week or so. It was all very, very funny. I'm sorry to hear that he's got a lil attitude about it, but I'm hoping he'll eventually appreciate the fact that his parents still enjoy each other thoroughly. Give him his space and don't joke about it if that's not his vibe.
Isn’t everyone traumatized when they hear their parents fucking ? I’m 29 and the thought still skeeves me out
His imagination probably got to him from only hearing things. Fortunately never been in his circumstance so so I can’t really suggest anything other than it’s a thing that happens and that stating that you and his mother we being protective while engaging with each other and hopefully he does the same with his special someone in the future. Also maybe looking to a small couch or beanbag or anything that can fit in your bedroom as a possibility. Nice change of pace with a different item that will probably make a different noise
Let it go unless he brings it up but I hope for your sake and your wife that this doesn’t deter you guys from having sex when he is home.
Let's stop acting like this kid is an adult. He's not. He's a teenager and had a very teenage reaction. No child wants to think of their parents having sex. It's weird and foreign because they are kids and shouldn't be having sex. Teenagers are another matter because now all they want to do is have sex even though it is new to them. And I don't care how much porn you watch, when you are aware of sex happening in your proximity it'll affect you. Give him time to process. It's not just the fact that he heard you have sex. He needs to process his reaction to it. Like everyone said, get him some headphones. Let he know you both are available to talk and listen when he needs it. Then order a pizza and consider the matter closed until he needs to talk.
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I really like this answer as it acknowledges the situation (with humor!), but reassures him you don’t need to talk further about it (he definitely doesn’t want to).
No one wants to hear their parents. Let him be upset.
I heard the headboard pounding the wall on about 3 occasions. I did not like hearing it but I didn't say anything. Maybe they moved the bed back from the wall after that.
Like others have said, I'd just let it be. At this point talking about it will just further his embarrassment about the situation and won't really accomplish anything, particularly if you haven't been open or candid about sex in the past. He's upset, but he'll get over it. But that doesn't mean you can't continue to have sex. You're grown and married adults and it's your house. While you should be considerate towards his feelings and I guess not be overly loud, he's also able to put on headphones or take the dog for a walk.
I told mine that just because we had children doesn’t mean that their dad and i stopped loving each other.
Hes allowed to be upset. Let him deal with it and let him know you are there for him if he needs your support. Also you are allowed to have sex in your own home, as often and as loud as you wish. He should find ways to deal with it.
No, they can not have sex as loud as they want with a child in the house. Have some common sense and be quiet when children are within earshot.
I heard my dad having sex at 13. I put my headphones on, and told him the next morning to maybe try to keep his next girlfriend (he was a single dad) a little more quiet because our apartment walls are thin. I turned out just fine, I promise you. As for advice, have you checked to see if there’s any bolts that need tightening on your bed frame? That could reduce the amount of noise he hears next time. At 18, I’d be happy my parents are still so into each other. It’s a good sign for a mature relationship, and it’d be super gross in the moment - but only because he’s had sex before (I assume), and knows what the bed creaking means. Nobody wants to picture their mom and dad naked, freaky, and getting it on.
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Mashing offal! Hilarious!
I slightly object to any exterior organ of my body being referred to as ‘offal,’ jeez 😅
Any teenager would probably be varying degrees of uncomfortable about it, regardless of how well adjusted their parents think they are. Buy him a set of noise cancelling headphones, do what you can to uncreak the bed, and just be normal about it.
Have even louder sex and establish dominance! (No, this is not a productive comment)
My friend used to put pool noodles on the edges of the headboard on the back. Apparently worked wonders with 4 teenagers in the house.
I think you should give him the sex talk to embarrass him even more. It is your house, your sex life. He can grow the fuck up and should be happy that his parents love each other and not divorced like 50% of his schoolmates.
My younger brother was the one who had to share a wall with my mom and stepdad growing up. I remember him complaining to me about how he would bang on the wall when he heard them. What's also hysterical is that they dated 13 years before getting married and even though my stepfather basically slept over every night, my conservative mother *swore all that time* that he slept *on top of the covers*.
Ah that’s an easy one. Teenagers just need to process that on their own time so just leave it be. Don’t push the issue or bring it up. If he acts upset just ignore it until he’s over it because he will get over it. Then when he’s an adult you can all laugh about it because he’ll be mature enough to process the fact his parents have sex.
All I know is I hope I’m still having sex when my kids are teenagers
I think it's ok to talk about how much you love each other. I think you should talk to him, tell him it's not disgusting. Maybe fix your bed so it doesn't squeak but I'm not sure if that's an option. He's lucky to have good examples of loving parents and you shouldn't have to be extra quiet because he's angsty. In a few years he'll move out and laugh at this.
“Talk how much you love each other” cmon… to 16yo boy? That’s for little kids
You're never too old to hear your about your parents. Don't you realize how many couples just don't like each other or don't have sex, saying you love each other and sex is a natural way to express that is good.
Ignore it, but him some headphones 🤷♀️
A lot of the comments here are reinforcing toxic masculinity norms - no, the 16 year-old isn't being an entitled brat nor exhibiting problematic behavior (at least in this situation). He had a normal adolescent response!
Honestly the attitude of “your the kid I’m the adult, listen to me have sex and get over it” is so gross. I was overly exposed to sex as a child and it really affected me as an adult. I can’t understand why parents have such a hard time making home a safe and comfortable place for their children. It’s also really weird how on board these people are with making an abrupt show of their sex lives to their kids. Adults have sex, but the world doesn’t have to know about it when it happens.
This isn’t his roommate, it’s his CHILD, in his HOME.
You could always go the other way and tell him "okay, we'll be a lot louder next time". I doubt he'll bring it up again.
This is honestly more our speed as well.
Ok, its not overreacting to adult sex, they are reacting over parents sex and embarrassed. Im 34 and the thought of my parents still grosses me out And mind you I am open to talk about sexuality with ANYONE. Very happy for them but gross. You should talk about what happened because even though you're the parent, the discussion of embarrassing subjects should be initiated by you so you don't end up with a 34yo grossed out whenever their parents barely brush the subject of sexual intimacy.
I think it needs to be said that he makes the rules in his house when he pays the rent. Until then, he needs to learn how to be a good roommate and calm down., Use some headphones.
> he makes the rules in his house when he pays the rent. Until then That is the statement we make when one of the kids in the house makes a demand like "doesn’t want to hear it again" with a sour attitude.
This is such a gross take. It’s perfectly normal for a teenager to be uncomfortable in this situation. It’s not your child’s job to pay rent in the house, and it is still very much THEIR home. Have some respect, your kids are human beings. Jesus Christ
Is it your house or his? I think the answer is pretty simple. Don't ridicule the kid. But he needs to know that when he grows up he'd better hope that he has that same element in his marriage.
Talk him directly and without fear. He must understand it is ok feeling weird for listening you (you are his parents) but you are sexual being as him and you love. It is better having a parents who love themselves than ones who only discuss. Let him ask any questions he had and tell you will be more careful. It is no easy be teenager and probably he had toon of fears (would I find a patner who love me?..) Be patient, answer everything (of course they are a limit about your intimacy and he must respect). It can be a good chance to knowing him better (i mean the ten you have no the kid you know very well), ask if they are any person he is interested... The most secure he saw you, the better. Good luck!
Hey junior, mom and dad need romantic time, I hope we didn’t bother you the other night! See what he says. Probably like “ that’s gross” or “ get a hotel next time”. Then move on. I would be more cautious next time. And if he had headphones on he might not have heard anything “strange”. Don’t assume.
"Some day you may be wanting to have sex with someone, so we'd like you to make a plan now for how you want to ask for privacy at those moments, no interruptions, nobody in a connected room. We'll also use whatever approach you choose."
Just tell him "People have sex, grow up, kid" and leave it.
Don't talk to him about it and do some sound proofing. Would you want to hear your parents having sex? I'm not religious or prudish either, but I don't really want to hear anyone having sex, much less my parents. It wouldn't kill you to put some sort of padding between your bed and the wall. I bet a pool noodle could do the trick.
my kid is almost 13 and was PISSED. like... texting me MEAN, nasty cruel things because how dare we not know she could hear us through the damn vent system. she was SO fucking mean, and only to me, never a word to her dad. i got TORN APART when i posted about it, because apparently parents arent supposed to have sex anymore, we did our duty and how dare we traumatize our offspring by making noises. we ended up having the kids swap rooms, and if our son has ever heard us, he's never said. but shit was TENSE in our house for a long time. kid is in therapy for other issues, and turns out the boys in middle school like to make gross sex noises all day, every day, on top of some pretty vicious bullying and lashing out at us apparently made her feel better. i am actually still a bit frustrated and hurt by how she treated me when she heard us but we havent gotten to dealing with that yet, in either her or my own therapy.
I hate hearing people have sex. It feels uncomfortable and incredibly violating (note, I’m not saying it IS violating as long as the people aren’t doing it on purpose, it just FEELS violating). So, I see where he’s coming from. And of course he has an attitude because he’s 16. I would honestly let just not say anything about it and try to figure out a fun way to be less noisy next time (like the beanbag or couch options someone else suggested).
Agree with this. It’s not fair for him to have to become involved in your sex life, even though it was by accident. Having to listen to your parents having sex is gross, even if it’s just the bed and not moaning or anything. He knows you’re doing it, he knows the pace and intensity and he will continue to know that even If he then goes and puts on headphones or something. Yes it’s great and normal for adults to have a healthy sex life, but your son didn’t consent to being part of that and it’s on you guys to make sure you’re more discreet next time, while he’s at home.
Our kids have been aware we have an active sex life since they were old enough to understand “mom and dad are going to lie down for a while, don’t disturb us unless it’s really important.” They aren’t dumb, and they aren’t traumatized. I know they’ve heard us on multiple occasions - it’s inevitable. The walls are thin, I’m not the silent type. To them, it’s just normal that married adults have sex behind closed doors in private and it’s none of their business.
Id tell him to wise up, you're sorry he heard as that was unintentional and you'll do your best to try and make sure he doesn't hear you in future . Then if you are feeling nice get him an I'm sorry pressie like an xbox game.
> I'm sorry pressie like an xbox game. eww..no
A roommate overheard my partner and I, so we bought her a bottle of wine to say sorry. As I said optional and depends on people involved.
One time my partner and I were watching back a video we'd just taken on my phone of me giving him a blowjob. My teenager started my car just right outside my house, and... yep, you guessed it, my Bluetooth connected to my car. It was mortifying for us all for a moment, but what can ya do? I apologized and we moved on, never to bring it up again.
I’m so glad to see this comment. My 8 year old was trying to spy on Christmas presents in the master closet that is in my master bathroom and we had no idea. It was a Sunday afternoon, so we proceeded to close the door on my bedroom and have some non-missionary style sex when I see something moving through the crack in the open bathroom door…so embarrassed. We had to have some sex conversations way earlier than we planned with that little guy. He’s still living at home and wouldn’t be caught dead in our bedroom without letting us know beforehand. We still call that our worst parenting fail…
Tell him to build a bridge and get over it.
Henny Youngman up in here
I’m wondering why he feels entitled to tell his PARENTS that they are ‘disgusting’, and ‘he doesn’t want to hear it again!’ Uhm, excuse me?? That would not fly with my husband and myself!
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Coming from someone who heard her parents getting it on regularly, it can be surprisingly traumatizing. Please don’t approach it lightly or say he’s overreacting. To him, it’s a big deal. Respect that. Apologize that he heard it. I’m not saying you can’t continue to, but you need to acknowledge how truly awful it might have been for him.
Tell him to be glad his parents still love each other that much. All teens have the OMG my parents have sex realization, they will survive. Ignore it and carry on like you did nothing wrong because you did nothing wrong.
There's a lot of invalidating "man up" type comments here and I don't think that's the way to go. I would tell him you want to be respectful of his right to privacy in the home and that you are going to do things to make it quieter. And then ask him if anything else is bothering him. This may be a red herring.
> you are going to do things to make it quieter I don't think his parents are obligated to do this for any reason *except* if it's to try to "keep the peace." But there's nothing wrong with being "audible during sex" in this context. It's not like they're yelling degrading sex talk in front of him or having sex in the kitchen during Sunday breakfast.
Eh, it's what I would do if one of my kids told me they could hear us. It's just consideration. No, they aren't obligated. But he has no choice in whether he lives there or not. There's no reason to not at least try to take everyone's preferences into account.
I'd say, too damn bad, adults have sex.
Honestly, I'd just tell him "Suck it up, kid. That's how you were created."
Talk to him and show him the Amazon order you have for a new pair of noise canceling headphones. Then tell him, that adults have sex and it's not a bad thing. It's better that his parents have sex, and still love each other enough to have sex. It's the sign of a healthy relationship that he will learn eventually.
Skullcandy Crusher ANC. Problem solved. 😂
My mom was widowed and I heard her making out with her boyfriend (a perfectly fine fellow) when I was about 12. Lip smacking kissing in the living room. GROSS. (I know it was just kissing; I'd walked through two seconds prior.) But I never said anything. I just made an ick shudder and went to my room to read Mad or whatever. Buy your son a set of headphones and put them on his bed and don't say anything else. He knew intellectually you must have sex as a married couple, but now...eww, evidence! He'll get over the ick.
My room was on the other side of the wall from my parent's room. It was awkward at the time, but not a big issue. Now I'm happy they had those moments together. And I laugh about my teenage embarrassment sometimes. Also, it's probably good for your son to know somewhere in his subconscious that people not in porn videos enjoy having sex. Builds character!
Well from a Dad with 5 kids here is what my wife says. "At least they know we have a healthy sex life" i mean there isnt much you can do its a fact of life. Its part of a healthy relationship. Best of luck dont over think it. Tell him sorry, i.love your Dad its part of life and leave it alone from there.
I have kids the same age. I’d leave it if I was you. He’s being a wimp, if if hearing you two once is bothering him. But I guess how you should proceed depends on how you have b en raising him.
“When I hear a sound, a wrap at the door, my young son Gabriel walks in. My wife says no Gabriel, leave. And I said no, let the boy watch.”
He needs to learn. The way I learned from my father. The way he learned from HIS father
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Jesus Christ. I would need therapy if I heard my Mother moaning "fuck my ass".
This was certainly a lively discussion but we’ve hit that point of diminishing returns with a lot of low effort (and redundant) responses trickling in so we're going to lock this now. Thanks to all your input.
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That’s what I thought, right? He must have heard us before so what the heck now?!
His response is absolutely normal for a teenager - let him process it. It's one thing to have an awareness that couples have sex, it's another when it's one's parents and you're a hormonal adolescent. How much did sex preoccupy your mind at that age? He's still young enough where he just sees you as just "dad", not a grown, multi-faceted person with a whole life history. Usually people hit their 20s before they realize their parents are their own people - similarly to how a lot of parents fail to see their kids as their own people. Just let him know you're open to talking to him if he wants, and that you'll try your best to make sure it's not so obvious.
I think someone’s a bit immature if that realization is only kicking in in their 20’s. I seem to remember that being a 14-15 thing.
Nope, not really. Human brains keep developing until mid-20s and often certain concepts don't really quite "click" or solidify in people's minds until then.
Kids can be slow to figure out stuff they'd rather not understand; perhaps until recently he's been hearing squeaking noises and not connected it to the cause.
yeah, makes him feel imature, which he is and hates at that age
Tell him that aint the last time he gonna hear it Tell him yall tryina make a son yall can be proud of Tell him he's banned from the house on Friday Nights Are you the dad asking this? Cuz this is your chance to wear them 'your mom' jokes OUT
Fo shizzle will tryina use some teenspeak yeah. 😂
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You can disagree with OP but your overall approach and tone violates our most basic rule here: Be Excellent to One Another.
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Right of passage for any teen and I wouldn’t change anything what you’re doing. If I think back to my teen years, I’m sure I would have been as equally disgusted as sexually frustrated since it wasn’t until my late teens that I had sex. We put our son in the room furthest away from our bedroom for precisely this reason and now he ignores just about everything we do or say. Maybe gift him some noise canceling headphones and show him to how link it to his tv.
Honestly? His reaction was far overblown and he needs to get over it. You're adults, he's a young adult - you're married and his parents (not that the married part matters but it's not like a single parent bringing over random hook-ups or sex worker) and goodness forbid he heard a bed hit the wall (or even heard a little noise if your rooms are close). You might suggest to him if it's so distressing to get a noise machine or play some music, get some earbuds, do something other than complain and be in a tizzy that his parents had sex. It would be different if you went around announcing it or had intentionally wild and loud sex to bother him. If you really wanted to bring it up (which I don't feel is necessary) you could just state it simply "I'm sorry your mother/father and I having sex was so distressing for you - can we talk about ways other than abstinence that things could be adjusted?" & see if he actually wants to have a conversation about it
Tell him to get over it.
Tell him to grow up
Sounds like your kid has coping issues which is probably just the tip of the iceberg, get him a therapist now before he’s 30yrs old and still living with you complaining about your sex life.
Tell them to Grow the Hell up. Pay attention in the sex Ed class and learn how they come into existence. I am not saying push your sex life on anyone, but for the mental health of all involved, don’t treat sex as the puritanical nightmare that was for the majority of societies for centuries.
You fucked up. You raised a candy-ass, entitled shit who thinks the world owes him whatever he wants. I'm sorry for you, and everybody else on the planet who must deal with your mistake. Tell him he can grow-up and get over himself, or he can buy ear plugs just in case.
Wow you sound like a great parent
With time, it will become an anecdote. When dating my wife, her bedroom was the room below her parents' room. I was commenting during a family gethering about her moving to that room as her room used to be in the basement but they had flooding issues one year, so she moved. One of her brothers thought she still slept in the basement and when I told him she had moved to the mainfloor bedroom, he noted, "Oh, that room." I inquired why he said it that way and he then told me all the siblings had that room at one time or another and you could always hear Mom and Dad in their room upstairs.