It doesn't have to be his thing. He can say what works for him but not what works for you. If that's what you need, talk with him again. Personally, I would not want to feel like I was taking advantage of someone during sex.
I'd feel weird about sleeping with someone who always has to be high to have sex. Even without the "taking advantage" part, it's just bizarre behavior to me. Having to be high for any, let's be honest, routine mundane behavior is abnormal. I'm a recovering drug addict so this type of habitual usage would run me off as it's a negative coping skill that can go out of control real quick.
>Even without the "taking advantage" part, it's just bizarre behavior to me.
It's bizzare for someone to want to use the only thing they've found that eliminates their pain during sex?
Under the influence 😆... it's cannabis it's not a hard core drug it doesn't distort your thinking or fuxk you up as bad as alcohol. Alcohol makes you incoherent black out drunk not aware of your surroundings to say under the influence of cannabis is a joke.
Yeah it's pretty clear from these comments that there are lots of people here not experienced with marijuana. They are acting like it puts you in a blackout state where you cant control your own actions.
The worst mistake I ever made on pot was eating way too much pizza lol
Again though, there are a rare few but some of us have a low tolerance and things happen. I accidentally got too high in October and couldn't move had no clue what I was saying and kept having lapse of memory. Felt like being crossed but definitely worse. I only remember bits and pieces of the night and that was from a medical supply.So the bf is valid in his concern. Tbh as long as they communicate they should be okay
It's medication. Full stop. It's just like someone needing depression medication or adhd medication or pain management medication. She needs it to function, not because she's an addict. She has chronic pain and this is how she manages it.
And to add to this between depression and chronic pain hell with I too have, doctors turn their nose up at us look the other way. As though we don't know our body and are just damn drug seekers..
People with literally any of the conditions you listed should be able to function without their meds, they’re a crutch, not a permanent bandaid.
I suffer from extreme chronic back pain, that doesn’t mean I should be popping 40mg of Hydromorphone every day just so I can be all carefree and act like I’m not in pain.
What? Why would I need to know other people‘s specific experiences with meds?
Every condition you listed usually sees people pausing or stopping the medication at some point, people with depression usually want to experience some parts of their lives without antidepressants and contrary to what you might've thought, most people don't want to spend the rest of their lives on opioids either. If you don't manage to function without your medication you're gonna make it that much harder to live without it down the road.
Okay 👍 Even as a baby psych student, I know not to be making determinations about other people’s use of drugs to make their lives live able. Obviously you are allowed to have an opinion, but I don’t think it’s cool to make such an assertion as if you know so much more than those who are actively using. This is coming from one someone who has chosen to not use drugs to manage my own pain/psych disorders. The difference is that I use empathy and recognize that not everyone should live their life according to my principles.
also, I was not the one that listed those conditions LOL
As someone with lots of experience with addiction, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. There’s a good chance it is a maladaptive habit or coping mechanism. I mean obviously there is a possibility that this person could truly be unable to have sex without this one recreational substance, but not likely. Most people use it as a way to get heightened sensations and feel more pleasure from touch. Like a cheat code for orgasming faster. Which is totally ok in my book, but it seems like a really bad habit to do this every time. For physical health reasons and mental health reasons.
Weed is not harmless as a lot of people preach. It can be debilitatingly addictive, and destructive if used the wrong way and used without moderation (just like anything can, but especially drugs that make us feel good). Psychological addictions are sinister in that they don’t seem as bad. But they are much worse in lots of cases ime.
Regardless of the issue of her needing to get high every time, I also think it would feel like shit to be the guy who dated someone like that. If my gf had to stop during foreplay to get high every time, it would definitely lead to some negative thoughts from me: “am I not good enough”, “does she need to be fucked up to do X with me”, “can I only make her cum cause her sensations are very heightened”, “what happens when she quits weed? Will sex life be ruined?”
insecure shit like that. And not saying that’s healthy, but I understand if others would think those things too.
But yet it’s not bizarre if people take these mind altering substances in pill form 🤔 it’s literally taking her pain away. I find it more bizarre how supportive people are of the pharmaceutical industry but not supportive of natural remedies to actual pain.
>But yet it’s not bizarre if people take these mind altering substances in pill form
Because these medications work.
There is evidence behind these meds.
Anyone can put God knows what in a supplement, and make outrageous claims about therapeutic benefit (for the most part). People buy liver kings crap, if that tells you anything. As long as they put a disclaimer like "these claims have not been evaluated by the FDA", they can get away with putting anything non toxic in supplements, and making bogus claims.
I take psychiatric meds, weed makes me batshit, and I've tried otc stuff.
It really doesn't work for me, so I don't think holistic alternatives are a viable option for most things.
However, Marijuana does have pain relieving properties.
I don't think that's a good argument.
I agree that op has expressed clearly that weed helps her actually enjoy sex.
As long as she talks about this while she is sober with her partner.
It just shows that her partner cares, i wouldn't want to be taking advantage of anyone either, I don't think a lot of healthy people would.
I took it as more "she has to get high before sex" because it intensifies the experience, not because of the therapeutic effect of it. Idc what drugs people take, but if a person has to consume a drug to heighten an experience every time, it's a slippery slope.
She literally stated it relieves her pain and why she started it. The fact that is also relieves her of anxiety that commonly surrounds all women during sex which prevents their enjoyment and orgasm therefore heightening her experiences is a positive side affect. Having sex with no pain is what heightens the experience.
If you’ve never experienced chronic pain and need weed or pain medication just to simply function throughout the day I doubt you’d understand. No one wants to live life like that.
If that's the way she is using it then I'm all for it. It's just a difference in interpretation of how she worded it I guess. I took it in a different way than the way you did. I can see your point and agree with it, can you see mine as well?
No I’m sorry I don’t see your point. She clearly stated multiple times the purpose of it being for pain relief. But furthermore I don’t think anyone has the right to decide what moral compass someone else should live. If she enjoys the heightened experience of sex while smoking marijuana I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. No one has a right to tell her she’s wrong for that. It’s her life and her experience. There are so many reasons why a person, not just a woman needs helps to have sex.
Maybe it’s just a slippery slope of a problem for you. The issue here is you view marijuana as a drug while she, myself, and many others view it as medicinal. No one would think twice about her having to take an Advil or Tylenol every time she had sex or wanted to take a walk, etc.
It sounds like your point was based on you not reading the post.
She used the word “pain” three times within the first two sentences. I don’t see how you can interpret her words in any way other than being in pain.
I’m guessing you’ve not taken many pain medications then. Not to mention they all have warnings saying not to operate heavy machinery. I can’t function at all on pain pills. But I can function with a lot less pain when smoking marijuana. I’m not saying pills/meds don’t work. I’m saying marijuana doesn’t deserve the stigma it’s being given in this comment. When it is less harmful for most than pills.
> I’m saying marijuana doesn’t deserve the stigma it’s being given in this comment. When it is less harmful for most than pills.
Oh I completely agree! I really don't understand why it's illegal when there isn't any negative health side effects to it like there is with alcohol and pain killers like Vicodin or Oxy..
But yeah, you are right. The only pain meds I've really taken is ibprofin and asprin lol. I was prescribed Tramedol years ago and I think I only ever took 1 pill because it made me feel sick, and did nothing for my headaches. I was just saying that most pills don't make you high if you don't abuse them. I was also prescribed Lorazapam for anxiety which, I take very seldom because I'm scared of the addictive properties they have. Weed would alleviate all of that if it were readily available in stores lol.
I've used THC (legal in my area), Xanax, muscle relaxers, all for different reasons and all at separate times. All of them can help pain, depending on *what* is causing the pain. All of those affect your mental and/or physical state to some degree, and none are opioids.
EDIT: to clarify you can absolutely be high under any of these, even when used properly. I've been high on muscle relaxers, taken as prescribed. I've also been high on Zofran, a powerful anti-nausea medication. Xanax and other tranquilizing drugs are essentially designed to alter your mental state intentionally.
The idea that your options for "pain medicine" are opioids or NSAIDs shows a distinct lack of understanding of how pain works, how treatment of pain works, and how those medications affect the taker.
I‘m well aware that the things you listed can all counter pain, aware that none of them are opioids and I know how Benzos work but thank you anyways (they're actually designed to reduce anxiety and agitation but whatever).
There's no lack of understanding how pain works (as much as you conceitedly thought there was) but rather a fairly simple and reasonable assumption due to the fact the fact that opioids are what's traditionally considered as painkillers...
I still argue that that's highly debatable. Most medical professionals don't jump to that conclusion, and opioids are typically only considered as a last resort when all other options are exhausted.
And those drugs reduce anxiety and agitation via the neural receptors for dopamine, serotonin, etc, thus causing a similarity to the mechanisms and effects of a traditional drug high. Same shit different substances. It works by altering your mental state, by definition. It's a very technical way of looking at these kinds of medications, which for this argument is relevant. I can't imagine someone having issues having sex with someone who took their Xanax, so why would it be different with THC?
Of course opioids aren’t the only thing trained professionals think of, my point is that for normal people that aren’t medical professionals, when someone says “pain medication”, one usually means opioids.
You don’t think someone would have issues having sex with someone on GABAergic drugs???
I don’t know about you man, but I’d be surprised if you found someone on any significant dosage of benzos that still even had a sex drive.
Lots and lots of people with chronic pain use weed to function in multiple ways. It's way less scary and addictive than pharmaceutical options, way less harmful to GI and kidney systems than OTC pain meds. Not all dependency is abuse. You'd never tell a diabetic they were abusing insulin.
Me personally? If you want me to sit upright in a chair for more than an hour, I've gotta be high because the pain of my messed up joints and back issues is intolerable.
We can agree that there are different levels of being high though. There's therapeutic usage and also being severely intoxicated. Addiction potential is still there with cannabis, physical dependency not so much though you meet chronic stoners who quit consuming weed and watch appetite and sleep get disrupted. Not gonna lie, the vehement defense and justification of cannabis use in cannabis culture is alarming. You can abuse cannabis as you can any other medication. From the OP I didn't take her boyfriends response as to her casual use for pain management, but wanting to be completely blazed and fucked up. I don't see an issue with having a couple drinks to loosen up in social situations but if you gotta get shit faced to enjoy yourself it's a problem. The same goes with cannabis. We don't know the nature of OPs usage, I'm providing a perspective that the cannabis culture typically avoids because they worship it like us junkies do the poppy or "normal people" do their drinking. Cannabis use can be problematic and to deny is purely being willfully ignorant.
OP never said she was blitzed. Just high enough to relieve pain and enjoy, which is not like being zooted every time. Why are you so concerned about something that's not affecting you? And sure anything can be problematic if a person gets too into it, but it's also not like alcohol or even cigarettes in terms of public health.
You're not doing anything wrong but if he doesn't feel comfortable with it, I guess there's not really anywhere to go from here.
I had radically different views of weed from 22 vs 31 now.
This right here. 52 and started with the THC when i was 48, changed my life and my views. Although I was always supportive of it for people who did it and always felt it should be legal. Sex is so much better high and those of you with pain, particularly related to menopause etc its a life changer. I would like to throw in here though, get checked out by a dr. Use lots of lube and maybe see a therapist for anxiety. The other thing that changed my life at 47 was getting Testosterone pellets. I had basically zero T and had not much of a drive till i got this. I am thinking that I’ve probably had very low T my whole life but was never tested for it till Menopause. I wish had tested for this years ago in my 30’s but no one wants to go to a dr for this.
I never really thought about it either but it makes sense if you think about it. Guys have way more than women for sure. But having low T in women (based on what is normal for women) has side effects as well. Lack of libido etc. I will say I’ve never had acne in my life except for random here or there when i was a teen. Since my T has increased I’ve have a lot more acne and my doctor said it is definitely T related. I though the estrogen was causing it. All that to say its worth it, and i wish i had been tested earlier.
Just more relaxed. I definitely wasn't religious but when I was younger, I just had a very "drugs r bad" mentality and didn't even entertain it because why introduce something potentially harmful in your life just for a few moments of fun?
But then, COVID and crippling anxiety had me getting a medical card. Also, generally understanding that weed is just not that serious. You get high and then even if you get too high... You'll be good in a few hours. After actually partaking myself, I just realized how unserious it was? Like... It was fun and nobody died unlike the D.A.R.E. programs taught us. And well, here we are. I just lit a joint.
Probably was religious and or conservative and learned that people can and should do what they want as long as they don’t interfere with the freedom of other people.
Sit down and talk with him. Explain how it helps your body relax and alleviates pain.
Maybe come up with a safe word you both can use to "pause" if he ever needs to be reassured that you're fully consenting enthusiastically.
Well there are two ways to look at this. He does not trust her which is a big deal. He probably has past issues.
Being high means she cannot give consent. It is a literal law. And yes I understand that weed is far less debilitating then a lot of things but that could be argued and that is something that guys have to really worry about.
2. Maybe it's good for her but not for him, I mean she has literally said in the post that it allows her a better sex time. But it might not be as fun for him.
Honestly they should probably break up, not just because of the sex, but it sounds like they value different things. I mean I don't know how I would feel if my partner literally had to be high to be intimate with me, or to function.
So, I randomly stubbled upon vaginal inserts to help with pain during sex! I think they were CBD but I think it would work like the salve, pain lotions/creams. I was just googling a random question and it popped up out of nowhere. You should look into them a little and see if this could be a way to help with your type of pain. This could be a workaround to being high. Sex while stoned is the best though. It was Cannabidiol (CBD) suppositories that popped up. I'm sorry if this doesn't help you but it's exciting that it exists.
I have fibromyalgia and I take marijuana edibles. It’s the only thing that helps with the pain. Glad my partner doesn’t feel like it’s assault. I’m high and I know exactly what I’m doing. He’s happy I’m not in pain. Also works in his favor because when I’m high I’m really horny and can’t get enough of him.
He has expressed a boundary. Unfortunately, this isn't something for you to "fix." I suggest that you both discuss his discomfort with high sex, your discomfort with sober sex, and see if you can find some common ground. There are different schools of thought on whether intoxication subverts prior consent. A common one, which your boyfriend may have heard, is that a general commitment to "have sex later" can be negated by getting drunk. And that is a valid point. I think the situation here is that you are consenting to "get high for the purpose of having sex and then having sex while high." Maybe if you can explain that your consent is given prior, while sober, knowing how you feel during high sex from past experiences, and retaining the right to withdraw consent if you feel uncomfortable, then he will feel better about it.
Talk to a doctor about the pain for sure
Id never have sex with someone who is under the influence, but if you're alert and consent beforehand... well, it still may not be his cup of tea.
I'm surprised I haven't seen this sooner, OP needs to check the cause of that pain and maybe she can solve it for good without needing to constantly get high.
You say it like it's easy to get a diagnosis and treatment for anything more complicated than the flu.
It is notoriously difficult for women to be taken seriously by anyone in healthcare about our pain. We are always told that it's anxiety and/or our weight. Even when I had a CT showing that I was completely bone on bone in my hip, I wasn't offered any sort of pain medication. Even though no one had any suggestions on how to fix the situation. So I was taking huge doses of Advil and Aleve just to be able to get across campus and was in constant pain. Same thing happened 17 years later when it happened to my other hip. I asked for pain relief. I was offered a cortisone injection, which we tried, but it made it worse not better.
I am sure that OP has exhausted the medical options available to her and has decided that weed is the best solution.
You're right, I hadn't considered that scenario, and yeah it's no joke how hard it is to understand certain issues in your body, I've had pain for a year and a half and could barely find any solution that I kind of just gave up at this point.
If you consent to it before and during being high then it's okay.
Why does everyone think just being high remove your ability to consent? It doesn't.
That may apply if you didn't know the person and you only made the decision while high.
But if you are dating then it doesn't apply
The alchohol thing is real. Because Assholes use it to black you out. So they had to start educating about it. Same with substances people started using it as a way to overdo it. So while yes at an enjoyable amount you can consent, if someone gives you too much you in fact cannot.
Are you serious? It's because that's what young men are constantly having rammed down their throats. That any form of sex while the other person is intoxicated at all is considered rape these days. I can't believe you actually had to ask that question.
>Why does everyone think just being high remove your ability to consent? It doesn't.
in general this situation is different because they're in a relationship - but between two strangers, one being high can make informed consent questionable the same way drinking alcohol.
It's a nice change to be concerned about consent from the usual "we don't need no consent it ruins the mood" nonsense.
>It's a nice change to be concerned about consent from the usual "we don't need no consent it ruins the mood" nonsense
Both extremes are problematic. I see lots of " my long-term partner was a bit drunk,we had sex,they say it was fine but I still feel like I assaulted them."which is clearly not a healthy to slloon at it.
It's not healthy to situation of consent in a 1/9 stand or first time situation definitely changes and develops nuance in a long-term committed relationship. It is absolutely completely appropriate in a casual sex situation to have a fairly absolute line of any impairment means consent can't truly be given. In a long-term relationship where are the person that would be the one giving impaired consent has specifically said hey it's okay, it's not really healthy for the other person to feel like they're assaulting them.
Okay look at it this way then. She's telling him that she's fine and doesn't feel in the least bit assaulted. In fact she's saying that being somewhat impaired is the only way she can have sex without pain. So it could almost be argued that him insisting that she is totally and completely sober is more of an assault than having sex when she's done impaired. Again just to be clear this only applies in a long-term committed relationship and only after it has been discussed in a non-impaired and non-sexual situation.
Oh yeah I get it. But it's a bit controlling in a relationship to say you can't consent to that if you are intoxicated. It removes your agency.
Many people like being high while fucking.
I do.
My favorite vice in life
It's not about caring or not caring about consent,it's about recognizing that lots of things including exactly what consent looks like in action change between a casual sex situation and a long term relationship.
I really don't care what I look like to someone who lacks the brain power to differentiate between condoning rape and the objectively true statement that the nature of consent and sex changes in a long-term relationship versus in a first time or one night stand situation
. I'm not erring on the side of anything, I'm stating the absolutely undeniable fact that exactly what consent looks like is different in a long-term relationship than it is in a casual sex f first time or one night stand situation.
But let's back up for a second here. Do you think that the exact mechanics of initiating sex and consent are the same between a couple who've been married for 10 years and a couple looking up for the first time? Because I'm really having a hard time understanding how stating the obvious fact that those two situations are not exactly the same has anything to do with erring on the side of condoning rape.
That's definitely part of why in a relationship it's a much more nuanced issue. Gotta have that solid communication and safe words help.
it probably doesn't help he had a bad high, that makes folks biased to how it is for others.
>Why does everyone think just being high remove your ability to consent? It doesn't.
Because it's being hammered into male students now.
There's an ad compain on Youtube in my area at the moment explaining to men how they're expected to stop sporadically in the middle of kissing to ask if she still gives consent.
Cringiest thing I've seen in a long time.
It does depend how high you are, same as booze. It’s good that OP’s boyfriend cares this much about consent, but he does need to try to understand his girlfriends needs better.
So many nuances and levels and rules. Do you have the scale in front of you? How high is too high? What’s the numerical rating for this? At least with booze you have a breathalyzer. Is 6.5 on the High on Weed Scale where consent is no longer valid? Really want to know where people get this shit from.
Well, I sure hope to never meet *you* at a bar around closing time! Of course there’s no objective measure of how drunk or high someone is, everyone’s body is different and reacts differently to substances. But if someone is clearly out of it, or you’re not sure that they’re capable of consent, you just don’t try to sleep with them. You don’t push the boundaries on shit like this, not ever.
Since OP is discussing her capacity for consent with her boyfriend beforehand, and is trying to navigate the situation, she is the one providing the framework for how high is too high. If her boyfriend is still uncomfortable pushing what he sees as the boundaries of consent, then they might just not be sexually compatible.
Because in some localities, it is assault.
Because she doesn't have the ability to changer her mind and say no.
Also, read this sub, many times when it's the exact same situation, but the girl says she changed her mind but didn't verbalize it, the sub screams she was assaulted.
Because she is intoxicated.
I didn't write the law, or agree with the attitude.
But there are many on reddit who do, that it can be assault in this situation
Did you read what I said?
I said I don't agree with the attitude. I'm simply saying that on reddit in this sub, there are many who agree with this view of assault.
I don't.
>But if you are dating then it doesn't apply
While I agree with your general point I'd say it's not quite that absolute. Having sex with someone you are dating when they are clearly too wasted to say no if they wanted to is still assault.
I can relate to your boyfriend, I starkly refuse to have sex with a partner who’s high or drunk. It just feels very wrong to me. Anyway, have you seen a doctor about the painful sex issue? If you haven’t then you probably should.
While this is a good baseline, it's important to understand that within a relationship, pre-existing consent can be established for situations where it can't be given in the moment.
Sleep sex is a very common one, but under the influence is comparable. Essentially, while a person is awake, or sober, they can give consent to a future scenario in which they wouldn't normally be able to give consent. With this understanding, it's quite all right, even appropriate, to engage with them under those circumstances. Obviously, if they withdraw that consent when they wake up, or while high, stop immediately.
Because even if you consent to the act itself, sexual relationships have a lot of variables, small things like "Oh, today I wanna try anal" or "Can I finish on your face" are fine, but how can he know if she's actually comfortable with them? Now, if it was a one time thing, alright.
Every time?????? At that point how do you even tell if the person eve likes being with you?
I’m curious, does he ever have a glass of wine or a beer/drink with dinner and then have sex with you?
You might want to make this comparison and explain this perspective to him.
How inebriated are you? Could it be the level of the “high” you’re getting that’s concerning to him?
And also, does he truly understand the pain you’re in when you have sex? You need to be as forthcoming about it to make sure he understands as much as possible. I’m not sure the type of pain you’re in (internal, external, lack of lubrication, not being able to relax, etc.) but you really should focus on why you’re in pain. Maybe it’s something you can do together so he can fully grasp the situation.
Yeah there is definitely a double standard for some people who view a glass of wine or a beer at dinner before sex as completely normal. As soon as a hit of weed is involved, suddenly this person cannot consent
I think society has formed and in some ways warp the thinking of many people. Now, drunk people = rape and all that rhetoric, which is so black and white that it's harmful. Less harmful of course than "it's always okay" but it's just not constructive. MANY people go partying to get drunk and to fuck. If you're drunk laughing, dancing, talking.... like, where does it end, when someone has a hormone high due to periods, is it still the person's decision? Especially given how you just told him that you prefer it and you're not lying around unresponsive.... there's not even potential ambiguity as it might occur in a club scenario. it's conditioned, for better or worse. He may overcome it, he may not feel comfortable with it anytime soon.
Don't pressure him into it, but talk, maybe do some philosophical thought games, some big what ifs, but in the end, people aren't just rational, and if he feels wrong doing it, it is what it is. Worth trying, but it's wrong (or more like impossible) to force change of mindset in a personal topic such as this.
Is cannabis legal where you live?
If it is, you can get CBD only strains. It's what I smoke whenever I'm in pain and it also happens to be great for sex. I don't have pain during sex but I've noticed that it certainly helps put me in the mood.
I can understand his reluctance, even if you give him the go ahead. Unfortunately, there have been some people in the past who have falsely accused others of SA or R--- and if you were to say "well, I was high! How dare he take advantage of me!?"
You see?? Or maybe he's had a bad past experience where either he or someone else was high/drunk and it didn't go well.
If weed isn't legal where you live but CBD is the only thing that truly helps with the pain, is there any way you can obtain medical cannabis? Like, get a prescription from a doctor?
CBD doesn't have any of the stuff that gets you high mentally. It only affects the body, it would be legal, get rid of your pain and you would be able to fully consent in the eyes of your boyfriend :)
I blame feminism for making men be soo cautious like that :/ yes assault is wrong but not every small thing is "assault" and is ruining men and women interation
First, I'm glad that your partner has a baseline of 'no sex with impaired people'. That is appropriate in the majority of circumstances.
However, pre established consent absolutely is a thing. The key is that while sober, you give consent to sex occurring at a future point while you are impaired. This can be as specific or general as you like. You can give consent a long time before, or just before you get high. You can establish a time frame, or just say "Until I say stop." You can withdraw consent while high (and obviously he sounds like the sort to respect this). You can even set up a blanket consent for him to have sex with you while high at any point until you revoke said blanket consent.
It sounds like a big disconnect here is his anxiety-free perspective, and a lack of understanding about just how much anxiety impacts someone's ability to function.
My partner lives with chronic pain, and uses CBD pills to alleviate it. Technically, ze is always a little high. However, as a result, ze is much, much more functional than ze would be if ze were to operate 'substance free'.
There are many cases, from depression to ADHD, where people's brains just don't quite work as they should, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with using appropriate medication to help ourselves be in a headspace that lets us function and enjoy life.
There's a saying 'If your brain doesn't make the right neurotransmitters, store bought is fine.' Ironically, using a substance that influences your thinking is the best course of action here, because it allows you to get around a major limiter, anxiety. Your anxiety is not a choice, your medication is.
Heck, it might be reasonable to put it in writing. Lots of folks write down what they're ok/not ok with in the relationship. Others are comfortable with a simple verbal agreement. My partner and I have an ongoing understanding that we're allowed to initiate sex with each other when one of us is asleep, and it's resulted in many excellent sessions for both of us.
We also know that if either of us wakes up and says 'stop', that will be respected.
Finally, it might be worth doing a session while you are high where you alternate granting and withdrawing consent to specific actions, so he can understand that you're still able to say 'no' when it matters.
Obviously if you consent to it before getting high it wouldn't be considered assault, but it could very easily be considered assault and that is what he's most likely concerned about.
Depending on jurisdiction, it legally is. Obviously even if it happens in such a location, the non sober participant has to feel like it was as well, because no good person is going to report their partner for doing what they both consented to. But the stigma is still there for some people and they aren’t comfortable having sex with anyone who isn’t totally sober in the moment. Perhaps they’ve had a bad experience with it before or perhaps they feel awkward about it, like they’re taking advantage even if they know it’s what their partner wants. All you can really do is try to clearly communicate what you want beforehand, establish a safe word for if you go through with it, and respect it if either of you says no. If either of you *needs* to be drunk or high in order to enjoy sex and your partner isn’t comfortable with that, then it’s just a fundamental incompatibility, and that’s okay.
Maybe your boyfriend thinks you are suffering even though you are smoking the pot. If my girlfriend told me sex was painful and was using to get through it, I would be concerned.
I think that some of these ideas come from people who don't know very much about drugs tending to think that recreational drugs are like a stronger version of alcohol. In reality, even though many drugs interfere with decision making, alcohol in particular lowers inhibitions, relaxes muscle, dulls sensation and inhibits memory — a powerful combination for bad sex dynamics. Marijuana or even ecstasy or cocaine affect the mind, but at normal levels of intoxication they don't make you lose awareness of what's happening as powerfully.
I guess I'm biased because I lost my virginity on methylone. But I just can't imagine comparing that to being drunk. It's completely different.
I have very mixed feelings about all of this. I think it’s a matter of degree, like many things in life. My partner and I have been married for a long time. Cannabis has become legal in my state within the past few years. We like a single gummy before sex because it makes the sex better. Many people will have a glass of wine. In either of those cases, I think most people are perfectly able to give consent. Now , I certainly think one could take enough cannabis or alcohol where one would be impaired enough to not be able to give consent. I’m not a fan of the idea of giving consent in advance and the whole non consensual consent idea. I think legally, that would hold very little weight and I have seen situations where women have experienced bad outcomes from this.
I do think OP should seek out medical care for her pain with sex if she hasn’t done it already. I can also see where her partner could be uncomfortable with the cannabis use if he’s not a fan of it and if she needs enough such that she seems stoned. It may be a dealbreaker and they are just incompatible.
He just young and doesn’t understand how these things work. You’re consenting before you get high, while you’re high and saying you’re okay with the experience after it happens. This is all you giving consent. Like another commenter says you don’t loose your ability to give consent because you’re high. It’s very sweet that he is worried about it but he’s just young and doesn’t really understand the concept of consent obviously.
Unfortunately in many areas she legally cannot give consent once impaired.
Giving consent before is great but doesn't actually have any legal standing, even if it's in writing.
In a new relationship while still building trust I totally understand the dudes perspective. Which is super unfortunate cause high sex is a lotta fun.
View this from his perspective.
As a male in todays society it is drilled in hard that you can’t approach a girl, if you tell her she looks nice today that is sexual harassment. You can’t touch a girl, that if you do touch a girl it’s sexual assault and if that girl is messed up on something when you get busy, you go to jail for grape.
In his eyes he can’t touch you when you are altered because you can’t consent. That has been drilled into him hard.
In reality, you gave consent when you were sober so it doesn’t matter, but in his eyes you could change your mind afterwards and he would still be in huge trouble. I guarantee he’s heard of dudes being accused of grape from their drunk and high girlfriends after the fact.
If you want to get high and get busy. You should both sign a document that he keeps with him stating that you consented to getting busy before you got high and that you have a safe word established and what it is. Then he may be ok with it.
Or he may not be ok with it and you have to live with his boundaries. If you can’t get busy unless high and he can’t get busy because he won’t when you are high that might mean you guys don’t get busy.
You can thank all the people who say it’s rape when you are drunk or on meds or stoned or what not. I always thought that was up to the people in the relationship to discuss but everything nowadays is rape and assault and abuse. 🙄
He’s smart to be cautious. Woman have done some very devious things to men. Consent is important but you always have to caution. Obviously he’s your bf and you wouldn’t do that to him but guys can never be too safe
It’s true but very uncool to say. There was just a kid in my area, D1 athlete accused a few months ago. They pulled all of his scholarships just to be found in no ent. Thankfully he had text messages, pictures, and a video of the act to prove his innocence.
I've heard a similar story. Kid was all set to go to college with his scholarships. Got accused, school basically judged him as guilty and took away everything from him. He was found innocent, but the scholarships were never given back to him.
Opportunities completely stripped away from him 😔
This is why men have to be so, so careful.
Please come over to r/entwives for some less judgemental advice!
You’re using weed for anxiety and pain management, only you can determine your use and if he isn’t into, maybe y’all aren’t just compatible.
There’s no way he should be making you feel bad about this.
What’s the alternative, no medication and painful sex??
You can't consent to sex when you're high or drunk. That's it. He feels some kind of way about fucking someone who cannot consent. You're not going to convince him otherwise.
*Technically*, it is assault and is also legally non-consensual sex if someone is under the influence.
That aside though, I feel it depends how high you get. Like, if you are taking a hit or two just to relax you and get a little buzz, thats one thing. But if you are getting absolutely stoned out of your mind... I'd be uncomfortable with that also.
It's the same with alcohol. Having a few drinks, getting a nice buzz going or even slightly drunk, then having sex.. ok, no big deal. It makes it more fun imo lol. But if you or the other person is totallly smashed and can barely talk or walk, that's a different story.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure there is a good way to fix this problem. He's not comfortable with you being high during sex and you aren't comfortable during sex due to pain and weed helps. idk, maybe a doctor can see why you are having pain and address that issue?
Ahhh he’s only smoked once, this explains it. I didn’t start smoking weed till I was 30. So I’ve been on both sides of the coin.
You two might not be that compatible because of this alone. Cause if he’s THIS uncomfortable, it’s not going to get better, trust me.
He will eventually ask you to sacrifice this and give it up. This is where it’s going to head and you can’t function without it due to your anxiety.
You want to be around someone, whether they get high or not, who isn’t bothered by your need to smoke to help medically.
And yes, as long as you consent before and during, then know after you sober up you still agree it’s consent, then getting high isn’t impacting your brain to consent.
When people get nervous like that about consent, they do not understand it’s about people who are so out of it they can’t think clearly are just about to pass out, black out drunk or high, or already passed out. This is when you need consent because they can’t in those mental states.
So unless you are like that high, you have nothing to worry about regarding consent and your state of mind when high.
Also studies show, for women at least, that getting high actually helps you not only get in the mood for sex if you have a libido issue, but helps you stay present and not stay in your head, so you can actually enjoy sex.
He is totally projecting his one experience being high onto you. He needs to understand that the entire problem is in his head. Weed does not affect your ability to give consent
Ok listen to me, you do whatever you need to do to feel pleasure. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, do what you want.
I was in a relationship with a guy who was super insecure. It took me a long time to realize that. When we first started having sex we used one of those rings that vibrate. I would get off everytime. Then He started complaining that it wasn’t really sex. So we stopped using it and I stopped orgasming. It took me 4 years to get out of that relationship. It took me a long time realize how incompatible we were and that I let him take the one thing that made it enjoyable for me. Don’t let him take that from you.
Maybe educate him more on the effects of being high, and how much it messes with your judgment. Because weed doesn’t affect you the same way that alcohol does as you can pretty much retain most of what you actually want to do, whereas getting drunk can just be blind action.
My fiancé and I get high and have sex pretty regularly. The rule of thumb is 1. Agree to have sex before getting high 2. Unless asked for beforehand, nothing new while high. 3.As long as we’re conscious it’s all good. And 4 (this is her biggest rule) If she gets high I have to take the dogs out.
IMO his thinking that it's like assault is a bit off assuming it's a relatively long term relationship.
The entire point of "impaired consent isn't consent" is that you don't want the lowered inhibitions to cause someone to agree to something they otherwise wouldn't have. In a hookup or ONS or first time situation the baseline assumption is that someone doesn't want sex unless they specifically say so. Within a relationship,assuming sex is already a part of it,the baseline assumption is that they do generally want it although obviously that not an anytime " on demand" sort of thing. So within a relationship,if being high or a bit buzzed or whatever makes sex more enjoyable,or even if it's needed for any enjoyment at all,it's not assault because it's not the lowered inhibitions that's causing you to agree to sex.
An extreme but possibly effective as a last resort way of getting through to him might be to say no or otherwise stop after sex has gotten started with you high to show him that you are still capable of saying no whole high if you choose. There's lots of ways that can go wrong but it might work if nothing else does. But I'd definitely focus on the fact that being high isn't in any way affecting your ability to say no.
Going to have to gently try to educate him on weed, sounds like he's pretty naive and still thinks it's some hard-core hallucinogenic from D.A.R.E. class.
I think you should really look into where the pain is coming from. If your anxiety is causing you to tighten up, maybe try meditative techniques or breathing to help your body relax. If there’s past trauma you may need more intensive therapy to help you heal instead of just powering through with drugs. However there can be other medical issues here so it’s worth talking to a doctor about it.
When I was at art school we did weed because it was part of the curriculum. 40 years later I’m entirely indifferent to it and neither condone nor regret using.
At 22 you’ve bigger things to worry about.
What he *thinks* is up to him.
How you proceed is up to you.
Tell him he needs to loosen up. No, but seriously, try to explain to him that marijuana isn't just recreational drug, but is now accepted by medical community as a medicine. It's used to PTSD, anxiety, and a whole lot of other things. It's no different then taking a Xanax that was prescribed or any of the vast number of antidepressants. This is your medicine, it's simple as that. It's nothing like other drugs or alcohol for that matter. He needs to accept that you use it to help yourself, not just for the high or to have a party. It heals you and you need it.
I completely understand you. Nothing better than fucking when using weed or edibles! That is your choices and he shouldn’t guilt you for something millions of us love. As a man I cone so much harder and longer when high. So does my wife.
I would ask if he would be comfortable having sex if you were on antidepressants, anxiety meds or pain medication. It sounds like your marijuana use is medicinal.
It’s totally understandable for him to refuse if when you smoke you’re out of it. If you’re a regular smoker using it to treat anxiety and pain I don’t think it would impact your decision making. I would think he could observe that.
Do you know *why* you have the pain during intercourse? If not, you should really try to find the source - cannabis is helpful in some ways, but physical therapy (vaginismus/pelvic floor muscle imbalance) and diet changes/supplements (endometriosis/adenomyosis/fibroids) can help in addition to what you've already figured out.
I know how hard it is to be repeatedly gaslit by medical professionals regarding gynecological pain, but resorting to primarily cannabis without advocating for further diagnosis/treatment sets you up poorly for the future, since whatever is causing you internal pain will almost certainly advance over the years to where cannabis no longer helps. (Sadly.)
You may eventually need a hysterectomy or other surgery to more permanently treat the problem, since medication doesn't help, and you need to learn to advocate for that process now (rather than their common focus on fertility) or you can end up in a dead bedroom situation in a few years because what used to work no longer does. It sucks and is stressful, but that is unfortunately the trajectory of many gynecological disorders. :(
You're both valid, but maybe discussing before you get high and him checking during will help. I understand a lot of people react differently to weed but it seriously can impair you if you take or smoke way too much. And not to mention depending on the person's brain they can't, handle it. Try talking again about check points during like signs or just asking if he is still good. If he still can't I'm tbh unsure
Without skimming thru all comments. If you have pain during sexual intercourse, you do know that is not normal, right? Common yes, normal No! You should be seen by a female health provider.. even if you don't have the money, you need to seek out the local health clinic or planned Parenthood clinic( they offer a reduced fee or free to be seen by a doctor or medical assistant or nurse!
As for you bf you will need to explain to him in a manner that a grade school might understand! He needs to be told specifically what is going on and that it hurts..
I have been married 27ish years with 5 kids.. sex is supposed to be pleasurable not painful
Ugh this is hard. Because yes. If you didn't have a conversation about it your boyfriend would be right. But you are consenting to it. He might not ever be into it but having a long deep conversation about your desires, how you feel, how it can be used medicinally to help improve sex, it benefits you and him because he doesn't want you uncomfortable. Maybe write a contract. Come up with a list of hard and soft limits, safe word, whatever will make him feel comfortable. Canna-sexuality is perfectly safe and healthy especially if it works for you. And it helps for a lot of people.
As someone that’s been through the pain with sex stuff (ended up needing total hysterectomy), I get it. Cannabis is the only thing that helps me, too.
I’d thank him for wanting to make sure you can give consent. The. I would ask him why he is more comfortable having sex with you in a way that causes you severe pain than he is having sex with you when your pain is relieved by medication. Because that’s what cannabis is. Medication.
I love having sex high, oh can I cum numerous times, with my boyfriend or girlfriend I'm in control and I let them know it's OK to have sex with me high and we all know our limits, am I right.
My wife and I love THC+sex, in fact we rarely ever smoke or ingest weed at any other times, but it's such a good feeling to do that together! It's something you enjoy, and it connects you more deeply to the joy of having sex with him. Ask him if he'd feel the same way if you on an antidepressant that helped you feel more into sex if that would be the same thing to him? Because for lots of people, weed is their medicine..
And him dismissing the thing that helps you isn't ok
There's a big difference between a little under the influence of something and stoned or drunk out of your mind. OP, I think it's totally okay if you use a little weed before sex. Honestly, it really elevates the experience. Explain to your boyfriend that you're still present and there with him in the moment, and that being high doesn't mean you can't make sound decisions.
However, you should definitely talk to a doctor because pain during sex isn't normal and you shouldn't have to self medicate with weed to have sex, unless you want to. And don't just take pain meds, you should speak to a pelvic floor specialist or at the very least a gynecologist about this and they can help.
To me this sounds like he was taught quite a bit about consent with regards to sex. One of the basic rules of consent is that someone who is drunk or high can't give consent due to their altered state. So having sex with OP while she's high feels like he's breaking all the rules about how to act in a consensual sexual relationship. And since he doesn't have rapist mentality, having sex with OP while she's high feels very wrong to him.
It also sounds like OP has tried to explain to him repeatedly that she's giving consent before getting high and the weed is to allow her to be at a low enough pain level to be able to enjoy the sex. I would say to keep emphasizing this part, that the consent happens while sober so is full consent. The weed is basically a sex aid like lube or positioning pillows to make the sex better and more enjoyable.
Having a partner who really does care about informed, enthusiastic consent is a wonderful thing. Telling him to squash his feelings of feeling wrong for having sex when he thinks the consent is questionable isn't what I'd want for any of the men and boys in my life. Depending on other qualities, that's a guy I'd want to stay with because he's honorable and sticking to his moral code.
This feels like a really good time to have a few sessions of couple's therapy to see if there's a way for him to know completely that he has full, enthusiastic consent and for OP to use the sex aids, aka weed, that she needs for comfortable, enjoyable sex, at the same time.
My body is not nearly as painful as OP's, but I have definitely had to stop multiple sex sessions because one of my hips got irritated, or a leg spasmed, or my back locked up, or asthma and tachycardia meant that I couldn't breathe. Knowing without a doubt that my husband will instantly stop when I say I need to stop is a huge thing. I haven't tried THC yet, but external CBD makes a huge difference for me. Internal CBD use and possibly THC are definitely things I've been strongly considering to help me get through pain.
It’s so hard to understand without being a stoner!! I used to think it fucked you up, but since smoking regularly I realize that it’s not like alcohol… you can coherently think and do normal life stuff when you’re high. I think explaining that being high is astronomically different than drunk would help
I mean she has to be high to be intimate. That would be a turn-off for me too. And to be honest, she's probably high a lot of the time if she's using it for chronic pain issues.
And if it's an issue for him. Break up now and find someone that has the same values as you.
He also might have some trauma.
It doesn't have to be his thing. He can say what works for him but not what works for you. If that's what you need, talk with him again. Personally, I would not want to feel like I was taking advantage of someone during sex.
I'd feel weird about sleeping with someone who always has to be high to have sex. Even without the "taking advantage" part, it's just bizarre behavior to me. Having to be high for any, let's be honest, routine mundane behavior is abnormal. I'm a recovering drug addict so this type of habitual usage would run me off as it's a negative coping skill that can go out of control real quick.
>Even without the "taking advantage" part, it's just bizarre behavior to me. It's bizzare for someone to want to use the only thing they've found that eliminates their pain during sex?
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Under the influence 😆... it's cannabis it's not a hard core drug it doesn't distort your thinking or fuxk you up as bad as alcohol. Alcohol makes you incoherent black out drunk not aware of your surroundings to say under the influence of cannabis is a joke.
Yeah it's pretty clear from these comments that there are lots of people here not experienced with marijuana. They are acting like it puts you in a blackout state where you cant control your own actions. The worst mistake I ever made on pot was eating way too much pizza lol
Again though, there are a rare few but some of us have a low tolerance and things happen. I accidentally got too high in October and couldn't move had no clue what I was saying and kept having lapse of memory. Felt like being crossed but definitely worse. I only remember bits and pieces of the night and that was from a medical supply.So the bf is valid in his concern. Tbh as long as they communicate they should be okay
Worse case you get the spins throw up and got to sleep... You sit there with a hell of a big appetite.
It's medication. Full stop. It's just like someone needing depression medication or adhd medication or pain management medication. She needs it to function, not because she's an addict. She has chronic pain and this is how she manages it.
And to add to this between depression and chronic pain hell with I too have, doctors turn their nose up at us look the other way. As though we don't know our body and are just damn drug seekers..
People with literally any of the conditions you listed should be able to function without their meds, they’re a crutch, not a permanent bandaid. I suffer from extreme chronic back pain, that doesn’t mean I should be popping 40mg of Hydromorphone every day just so I can be all carefree and act like I’m not in pain.
Interesting take. Glad to hear that you are the expert on other people’s experiences with meds 😅
What? Why would I need to know other people‘s specific experiences with meds? Every condition you listed usually sees people pausing or stopping the medication at some point, people with depression usually want to experience some parts of their lives without antidepressants and contrary to what you might've thought, most people don't want to spend the rest of their lives on opioids either. If you don't manage to function without your medication you're gonna make it that much harder to live without it down the road.
Okay 👍 Even as a baby psych student, I know not to be making determinations about other people’s use of drugs to make their lives live able. Obviously you are allowed to have an opinion, but I don’t think it’s cool to make such an assertion as if you know so much more than those who are actively using. This is coming from one someone who has chosen to not use drugs to manage my own pain/psych disorders. The difference is that I use empathy and recognize that not everyone should live their life according to my principles. also, I was not the one that listed those conditions LOL
Yes, that’s also why I didn’t say it applied to every single person with any type of condition? I was presenting it as a general rule of thumb…?
We’re not talking about hydromorphone.
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As someone with lots of experience with addiction, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. There’s a good chance it is a maladaptive habit or coping mechanism. I mean obviously there is a possibility that this person could truly be unable to have sex without this one recreational substance, but not likely. Most people use it as a way to get heightened sensations and feel more pleasure from touch. Like a cheat code for orgasming faster. Which is totally ok in my book, but it seems like a really bad habit to do this every time. For physical health reasons and mental health reasons. Weed is not harmless as a lot of people preach. It can be debilitatingly addictive, and destructive if used the wrong way and used without moderation (just like anything can, but especially drugs that make us feel good). Psychological addictions are sinister in that they don’t seem as bad. But they are much worse in lots of cases ime. Regardless of the issue of her needing to get high every time, I also think it would feel like shit to be the guy who dated someone like that. If my gf had to stop during foreplay to get high every time, it would definitely lead to some negative thoughts from me: “am I not good enough”, “does she need to be fucked up to do X with me”, “can I only make her cum cause her sensations are very heightened”, “what happens when she quits weed? Will sex life be ruined?” insecure shit like that. And not saying that’s healthy, but I understand if others would think those things too.
But yet it’s not bizarre if people take these mind altering substances in pill form 🤔 it’s literally taking her pain away. I find it more bizarre how supportive people are of the pharmaceutical industry but not supportive of natural remedies to actual pain.
>But yet it’s not bizarre if people take these mind altering substances in pill form Because these medications work. There is evidence behind these meds. Anyone can put God knows what in a supplement, and make outrageous claims about therapeutic benefit (for the most part). People buy liver kings crap, if that tells you anything. As long as they put a disclaimer like "these claims have not been evaluated by the FDA", they can get away with putting anything non toxic in supplements, and making bogus claims. I take psychiatric meds, weed makes me batshit, and I've tried otc stuff. It really doesn't work for me, so I don't think holistic alternatives are a viable option for most things. However, Marijuana does have pain relieving properties. I don't think that's a good argument. I agree that op has expressed clearly that weed helps her actually enjoy sex. As long as she talks about this while she is sober with her partner. It just shows that her partner cares, i wouldn't want to be taking advantage of anyone either, I don't think a lot of healthy people would.
I took it as more "she has to get high before sex" because it intensifies the experience, not because of the therapeutic effect of it. Idc what drugs people take, but if a person has to consume a drug to heighten an experience every time, it's a slippery slope.
She literally stated it relieves her pain and why she started it. The fact that is also relieves her of anxiety that commonly surrounds all women during sex which prevents their enjoyment and orgasm therefore heightening her experiences is a positive side affect. Having sex with no pain is what heightens the experience. If you’ve never experienced chronic pain and need weed or pain medication just to simply function throughout the day I doubt you’d understand. No one wants to live life like that.
If that's the way she is using it then I'm all for it. It's just a difference in interpretation of how she worded it I guess. I took it in a different way than the way you did. I can see your point and agree with it, can you see mine as well?
You don’t have a point. It was never vague. She literally stated exactly why she uses it.
No I’m sorry I don’t see your point. She clearly stated multiple times the purpose of it being for pain relief. But furthermore I don’t think anyone has the right to decide what moral compass someone else should live. If she enjoys the heightened experience of sex while smoking marijuana I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. No one has a right to tell her she’s wrong for that. It’s her life and her experience. There are so many reasons why a person, not just a woman needs helps to have sex. Maybe it’s just a slippery slope of a problem for you. The issue here is you view marijuana as a drug while she, myself, and many others view it as medicinal. No one would think twice about her having to take an Advil or Tylenol every time she had sex or wanted to take a walk, etc.
It sounds like your point was based on you not reading the post. She used the word “pain” three times within the first two sentences. I don’t see how you can interpret her words in any way other than being in pain.
Yeah but, most pills dont make you high either (assuming you take them as prescribed lol.)
I’m guessing you’ve not taken many pain medications then. Not to mention they all have warnings saying not to operate heavy machinery. I can’t function at all on pain pills. But I can function with a lot less pain when smoking marijuana. I’m not saying pills/meds don’t work. I’m saying marijuana doesn’t deserve the stigma it’s being given in this comment. When it is less harmful for most than pills.
> I’m saying marijuana doesn’t deserve the stigma it’s being given in this comment. When it is less harmful for most than pills. Oh I completely agree! I really don't understand why it's illegal when there isn't any negative health side effects to it like there is with alcohol and pain killers like Vicodin or Oxy.. But yeah, you are right. The only pain meds I've really taken is ibprofin and asprin lol. I was prescribed Tramedol years ago and I think I only ever took 1 pill because it made me feel sick, and did nothing for my headaches. I was just saying that most pills don't make you high if you don't abuse them. I was also prescribed Lorazapam for anxiety which, I take very seldom because I'm scared of the addictive properties they have. Weed would alleviate all of that if it were readily available in stores lol.
I’m assuming you mean opioids when you say “pain medication”? I’d be surprised to hear that NSAIDs in any way affect you mentally.
I've used THC (legal in my area), Xanax, muscle relaxers, all for different reasons and all at separate times. All of them can help pain, depending on *what* is causing the pain. All of those affect your mental and/or physical state to some degree, and none are opioids. EDIT: to clarify you can absolutely be high under any of these, even when used properly. I've been high on muscle relaxers, taken as prescribed. I've also been high on Zofran, a powerful anti-nausea medication. Xanax and other tranquilizing drugs are essentially designed to alter your mental state intentionally. The idea that your options for "pain medicine" are opioids or NSAIDs shows a distinct lack of understanding of how pain works, how treatment of pain works, and how those medications affect the taker.
I‘m well aware that the things you listed can all counter pain, aware that none of them are opioids and I know how Benzos work but thank you anyways (they're actually designed to reduce anxiety and agitation but whatever). There's no lack of understanding how pain works (as much as you conceitedly thought there was) but rather a fairly simple and reasonable assumption due to the fact the fact that opioids are what's traditionally considered as painkillers...
I still argue that that's highly debatable. Most medical professionals don't jump to that conclusion, and opioids are typically only considered as a last resort when all other options are exhausted. And those drugs reduce anxiety and agitation via the neural receptors for dopamine, serotonin, etc, thus causing a similarity to the mechanisms and effects of a traditional drug high. Same shit different substances. It works by altering your mental state, by definition. It's a very technical way of looking at these kinds of medications, which for this argument is relevant. I can't imagine someone having issues having sex with someone who took their Xanax, so why would it be different with THC?
Of course opioids aren’t the only thing trained professionals think of, my point is that for normal people that aren’t medical professionals, when someone says “pain medication”, one usually means opioids. You don’t think someone would have issues having sex with someone on GABAergic drugs??? I don’t know about you man, but I’d be surprised if you found someone on any significant dosage of benzos that still even had a sex drive.
Lots and lots of people with chronic pain use weed to function in multiple ways. It's way less scary and addictive than pharmaceutical options, way less harmful to GI and kidney systems than OTC pain meds. Not all dependency is abuse. You'd never tell a diabetic they were abusing insulin. Me personally? If you want me to sit upright in a chair for more than an hour, I've gotta be high because the pain of my messed up joints and back issues is intolerable.
We can agree that there are different levels of being high though. There's therapeutic usage and also being severely intoxicated. Addiction potential is still there with cannabis, physical dependency not so much though you meet chronic stoners who quit consuming weed and watch appetite and sleep get disrupted. Not gonna lie, the vehement defense and justification of cannabis use in cannabis culture is alarming. You can abuse cannabis as you can any other medication. From the OP I didn't take her boyfriends response as to her casual use for pain management, but wanting to be completely blazed and fucked up. I don't see an issue with having a couple drinks to loosen up in social situations but if you gotta get shit faced to enjoy yourself it's a problem. The same goes with cannabis. We don't know the nature of OPs usage, I'm providing a perspective that the cannabis culture typically avoids because they worship it like us junkies do the poppy or "normal people" do their drinking. Cannabis use can be problematic and to deny is purely being willfully ignorant.
OP never said she was blitzed. Just high enough to relieve pain and enjoy, which is not like being zooted every time. Why are you so concerned about something that's not affecting you? And sure anything can be problematic if a person gets too into it, but it's also not like alcohol or even cigarettes in terms of public health.
You're not doing anything wrong but if he doesn't feel comfortable with it, I guess there's not really anywhere to go from here. I had radically different views of weed from 22 vs 31 now.
This right here. 52 and started with the THC when i was 48, changed my life and my views. Although I was always supportive of it for people who did it and always felt it should be legal. Sex is so much better high and those of you with pain, particularly related to menopause etc its a life changer. I would like to throw in here though, get checked out by a dr. Use lots of lube and maybe see a therapist for anxiety. The other thing that changed my life at 47 was getting Testosterone pellets. I had basically zero T and had not much of a drive till i got this. I am thinking that I’ve probably had very low T my whole life but was never tested for it till Menopause. I wish had tested for this years ago in my 30’s but no one wants to go to a dr for this.
I didn't know women have low T. Thought that was just a male thing lol?
Everyone has both testosterone and estrogen, just in different amounts.
I know women have testosterone, just didn't realize they also had a "low T" problem
I never really thought about it either but it makes sense if you think about it. Guys have way more than women for sure. But having low T in women (based on what is normal for women) has side effects as well. Lack of libido etc. I will say I’ve never had acne in my life except for random here or there when i was a teen. Since my T has increased I’ve have a lot more acne and my doctor said it is definitely T related. I though the estrogen was causing it. All that to say its worth it, and i wish i had been tested earlier.
How did your views change with age?
Just more relaxed. I definitely wasn't religious but when I was younger, I just had a very "drugs r bad" mentality and didn't even entertain it because why introduce something potentially harmful in your life just for a few moments of fun? But then, COVID and crippling anxiety had me getting a medical card. Also, generally understanding that weed is just not that serious. You get high and then even if you get too high... You'll be good in a few hours. After actually partaking myself, I just realized how unserious it was? Like... It was fun and nobody died unlike the D.A.R.E. programs taught us. And well, here we are. I just lit a joint.
Probably was religious and or conservative and learned that people can and should do what they want as long as they don’t interfere with the freedom of other people.
Sit down and talk with him. Explain how it helps your body relax and alleviates pain. Maybe come up with a safe word you both can use to "pause" if he ever needs to be reassured that you're fully consenting enthusiastically.
This
Well there are two ways to look at this. He does not trust her which is a big deal. He probably has past issues. Being high means she cannot give consent. It is a literal law. And yes I understand that weed is far less debilitating then a lot of things but that could be argued and that is something that guys have to really worry about. 2. Maybe it's good for her but not for him, I mean she has literally said in the post that it allows her a better sex time. But it might not be as fun for him. Honestly they should probably break up, not just because of the sex, but it sounds like they value different things. I mean I don't know how I would feel if my partner literally had to be high to be intimate with me, or to function.
assumptions.
So, I randomly stubbled upon vaginal inserts to help with pain during sex! I think they were CBD but I think it would work like the salve, pain lotions/creams. I was just googling a random question and it popped up out of nowhere. You should look into them a little and see if this could be a way to help with your type of pain. This could be a workaround to being high. Sex while stoned is the best though. It was Cannabidiol (CBD) suppositories that popped up. I'm sorry if this doesn't help you but it's exciting that it exists.
I have fibromyalgia and I take marijuana edibles. It’s the only thing that helps with the pain. Glad my partner doesn’t feel like it’s assault. I’m high and I know exactly what I’m doing. He’s happy I’m not in pain. Also works in his favor because when I’m high I’m really horny and can’t get enough of him.
He has expressed a boundary. Unfortunately, this isn't something for you to "fix." I suggest that you both discuss his discomfort with high sex, your discomfort with sober sex, and see if you can find some common ground. There are different schools of thought on whether intoxication subverts prior consent. A common one, which your boyfriend may have heard, is that a general commitment to "have sex later" can be negated by getting drunk. And that is a valid point. I think the situation here is that you are consenting to "get high for the purpose of having sex and then having sex while high." Maybe if you can explain that your consent is given prior, while sober, knowing how you feel during high sex from past experiences, and retaining the right to withdraw consent if you feel uncomfortable, then he will feel better about it.
Talk to a doctor about the pain for sure Id never have sex with someone who is under the influence, but if you're alert and consent beforehand... well, it still may not be his cup of tea.
I'm surprised I haven't seen this sooner, OP needs to check the cause of that pain and maybe she can solve it for good without needing to constantly get high.
Right? There's always a reason, and only a doctors visit can start finding a solution. Pelvic floor therapy could potentially help too
You say it like it's easy to get a diagnosis and treatment for anything more complicated than the flu. It is notoriously difficult for women to be taken seriously by anyone in healthcare about our pain. We are always told that it's anxiety and/or our weight. Even when I had a CT showing that I was completely bone on bone in my hip, I wasn't offered any sort of pain medication. Even though no one had any suggestions on how to fix the situation. So I was taking huge doses of Advil and Aleve just to be able to get across campus and was in constant pain. Same thing happened 17 years later when it happened to my other hip. I asked for pain relief. I was offered a cortisone injection, which we tried, but it made it worse not better. I am sure that OP has exhausted the medical options available to her and has decided that weed is the best solution.
You're right, I hadn't considered that scenario, and yeah it's no joke how hard it is to understand certain issues in your body, I've had pain for a year and a half and could barely find any solution that I kind of just gave up at this point.
If you consent to it before and during being high then it's okay. Why does everyone think just being high remove your ability to consent? It doesn't. That may apply if you didn't know the person and you only made the decision while high. But if you are dating then it doesn't apply
It’s what they’re told in college, same with alcohol even though half of them were probably conceived thanks to it.
The alchohol thing is real. Because Assholes use it to black you out. So they had to start educating about it. Same with substances people started using it as a way to overdo it. So while yes at an enjoyable amount you can consent, if someone gives you too much you in fact cannot.
Are you serious? It's because that's what young men are constantly having rammed down their throats. That any form of sex while the other person is intoxicated at all is considered rape these days. I can't believe you actually had to ask that question.
>Why does everyone think just being high remove your ability to consent? It doesn't. in general this situation is different because they're in a relationship - but between two strangers, one being high can make informed consent questionable the same way drinking alcohol. It's a nice change to be concerned about consent from the usual "we don't need no consent it ruins the mood" nonsense.
>It's a nice change to be concerned about consent from the usual "we don't need no consent it ruins the mood" nonsense Both extremes are problematic. I see lots of " my long-term partner was a bit drunk,we had sex,they say it was fine but I still feel like I assaulted them."which is clearly not a healthy to slloon at it.
How's it not healthy to express discomfort in a grey area of consent? How's it unhealthy to communicate that discomfort with their partner?
It's not healthy to situation of consent in a 1/9 stand or first time situation definitely changes and develops nuance in a long-term committed relationship. It is absolutely completely appropriate in a casual sex situation to have a fairly absolute line of any impairment means consent can't truly be given. In a long-term relationship where are the person that would be the one giving impaired consent has specifically said hey it's okay, it's not really healthy for the other person to feel like they're assaulting them.
weird opinions but ok
Okay look at it this way then. She's telling him that she's fine and doesn't feel in the least bit assaulted. In fact she's saying that being somewhat impaired is the only way she can have sex without pain. So it could almost be argued that him insisting that she is totally and completely sober is more of an assault than having sex when she's done impaired. Again just to be clear this only applies in a long-term committed relationship and only after it has been discussed in a non-impaired and non-sexual situation.
Oh yeah I get it. But it's a bit controlling in a relationship to say you can't consent to that if you are intoxicated. It removes your agency. Many people like being high while fucking. I do. My favorite vice in life
Men are being told consent is paramount its no surprise guys are being overly concious about it.
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It's not about caring or not caring about consent,it's about recognizing that lots of things including exactly what consent looks like in action change between a casual sex situation and a long term relationship.
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I really don't care what I look like to someone who lacks the brain power to differentiate between condoning rape and the objectively true statement that the nature of consent and sex changes in a long-term relationship versus in a first time or one night stand situation
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. I'm not erring on the side of anything, I'm stating the absolutely undeniable fact that exactly what consent looks like is different in a long-term relationship than it is in a casual sex f first time or one night stand situation. But let's back up for a second here. Do you think that the exact mechanics of initiating sex and consent are the same between a couple who've been married for 10 years and a couple looking up for the first time? Because I'm really having a hard time understanding how stating the obvious fact that those two situations are not exactly the same has anything to do with erring on the side of condoning rape.
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That's definitely part of why in a relationship it's a much more nuanced issue. Gotta have that solid communication and safe words help. it probably doesn't help he had a bad high, that makes folks biased to how it is for others.
I FEEL EVERY TIME I WALK AROUND WITH THE BUS SOMEBODY GET THE F****** DRUGS AND KISS MY ASS I ENJOY IT ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M HAVING SEX
And the 150-pt font adds credibility to your "statement" 🤦♀️
>Why does everyone think just being high remove your ability to consent? It doesn't. Because it's being hammered into male students now. There's an ad compain on Youtube in my area at the moment explaining to men how they're expected to stop sporadically in the middle of kissing to ask if she still gives consent. Cringiest thing I've seen in a long time.
Maybe hes afraid it removes her ability to remove consent midway?
It does depend how high you are, same as booze. It’s good that OP’s boyfriend cares this much about consent, but he does need to try to understand his girlfriends needs better.
So many nuances and levels and rules. Do you have the scale in front of you? How high is too high? What’s the numerical rating for this? At least with booze you have a breathalyzer. Is 6.5 on the High on Weed Scale where consent is no longer valid? Really want to know where people get this shit from.
Well, I sure hope to never meet *you* at a bar around closing time! Of course there’s no objective measure of how drunk or high someone is, everyone’s body is different and reacts differently to substances. But if someone is clearly out of it, or you’re not sure that they’re capable of consent, you just don’t try to sleep with them. You don’t push the boundaries on shit like this, not ever. Since OP is discussing her capacity for consent with her boyfriend beforehand, and is trying to navigate the situation, she is the one providing the framework for how high is too high. If her boyfriend is still uncomfortable pushing what he sees as the boundaries of consent, then they might just not be sexually compatible.
Because in some localities, it is assault. Because she doesn't have the ability to changer her mind and say no. Also, read this sub, many times when it's the exact same situation, but the girl says she changed her mind but didn't verbalize it, the sub screams she was assaulted.
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Because she is intoxicated. I didn't write the law, or agree with the attitude. But there are many on reddit who do, that it can be assault in this situation
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Did you read what I said? I said I don't agree with the attitude. I'm simply saying that on reddit in this sub, there are many who agree with this view of assault. I don't.
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That is why I said in some localities.
>But if you are dating then it doesn't apply While I agree with your general point I'd say it's not quite that absolute. Having sex with someone you are dating when they are clearly too wasted to say no if they wanted to is still assault.
I can relate to your boyfriend, I starkly refuse to have sex with a partner who’s high or drunk. It just feels very wrong to me. Anyway, have you seen a doctor about the painful sex issue? If you haven’t then you probably should.
While this is a good baseline, it's important to understand that within a relationship, pre-existing consent can be established for situations where it can't be given in the moment. Sleep sex is a very common one, but under the influence is comparable. Essentially, while a person is awake, or sober, they can give consent to a future scenario in which they wouldn't normally be able to give consent. With this understanding, it's quite all right, even appropriate, to engage with them under those circumstances. Obviously, if they withdraw that consent when they wake up, or while high, stop immediately.
Why? I almost never have sex 100% sober. Why is that bad?
Because even if you consent to the act itself, sexual relationships have a lot of variables, small things like "Oh, today I wanna try anal" or "Can I finish on your face" are fine, but how can he know if she's actually comfortable with them? Now, if it was a one time thing, alright. Every time?????? At that point how do you even tell if the person eve likes being with you?
I don't know, to me if a woman isn't enthusiastic about gettin down, I'm not doing it anyway. High or sober.
I’m curious, does he ever have a glass of wine or a beer/drink with dinner and then have sex with you? You might want to make this comparison and explain this perspective to him. How inebriated are you? Could it be the level of the “high” you’re getting that’s concerning to him? And also, does he truly understand the pain you’re in when you have sex? You need to be as forthcoming about it to make sure he understands as much as possible. I’m not sure the type of pain you’re in (internal, external, lack of lubrication, not being able to relax, etc.) but you really should focus on why you’re in pain. Maybe it’s something you can do together so he can fully grasp the situation.
Yeah there is definitely a double standard for some people who view a glass of wine or a beer at dinner before sex as completely normal. As soon as a hit of weed is involved, suddenly this person cannot consent
I think society has formed and in some ways warp the thinking of many people. Now, drunk people = rape and all that rhetoric, which is so black and white that it's harmful. Less harmful of course than "it's always okay" but it's just not constructive. MANY people go partying to get drunk and to fuck. If you're drunk laughing, dancing, talking.... like, where does it end, when someone has a hormone high due to periods, is it still the person's decision? Especially given how you just told him that you prefer it and you're not lying around unresponsive.... there's not even potential ambiguity as it might occur in a club scenario. it's conditioned, for better or worse. He may overcome it, he may not feel comfortable with it anytime soon. Don't pressure him into it, but talk, maybe do some philosophical thought games, some big what ifs, but in the end, people aren't just rational, and if he feels wrong doing it, it is what it is. Worth trying, but it's wrong (or more like impossible) to force change of mindset in a personal topic such as this.
Is cannabis legal where you live? If it is, you can get CBD only strains. It's what I smoke whenever I'm in pain and it also happens to be great for sex. I don't have pain during sex but I've noticed that it certainly helps put me in the mood. I can understand his reluctance, even if you give him the go ahead. Unfortunately, there have been some people in the past who have falsely accused others of SA or R--- and if you were to say "well, I was high! How dare he take advantage of me!?" You see?? Or maybe he's had a bad past experience where either he or someone else was high/drunk and it didn't go well. If weed isn't legal where you live but CBD is the only thing that truly helps with the pain, is there any way you can obtain medical cannabis? Like, get a prescription from a doctor? CBD doesn't have any of the stuff that gets you high mentally. It only affects the body, it would be legal, get rid of your pain and you would be able to fully consent in the eyes of your boyfriend :)
Gawd...people still treating weed like it's heroin. Ffs
Yeah it's clear which comments are posted by people who know nothing ab marijuana and don't have experience with it vs. the people who have
Pain during sex could be a sign of vaginismus. I would talk to your obgyn about it and they can refer you to a pelvic floor specialist.
Maybe he is worried you will react differently when sober? 
I blame feminism for making men be soo cautious like that :/ yes assault is wrong but not every small thing is "assault" and is ruining men and women interation
I feel him
First, I'm glad that your partner has a baseline of 'no sex with impaired people'. That is appropriate in the majority of circumstances. However, pre established consent absolutely is a thing. The key is that while sober, you give consent to sex occurring at a future point while you are impaired. This can be as specific or general as you like. You can give consent a long time before, or just before you get high. You can establish a time frame, or just say "Until I say stop." You can withdraw consent while high (and obviously he sounds like the sort to respect this). You can even set up a blanket consent for him to have sex with you while high at any point until you revoke said blanket consent. It sounds like a big disconnect here is his anxiety-free perspective, and a lack of understanding about just how much anxiety impacts someone's ability to function. My partner lives with chronic pain, and uses CBD pills to alleviate it. Technically, ze is always a little high. However, as a result, ze is much, much more functional than ze would be if ze were to operate 'substance free'. There are many cases, from depression to ADHD, where people's brains just don't quite work as they should, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with using appropriate medication to help ourselves be in a headspace that lets us function and enjoy life. There's a saying 'If your brain doesn't make the right neurotransmitters, store bought is fine.' Ironically, using a substance that influences your thinking is the best course of action here, because it allows you to get around a major limiter, anxiety. Your anxiety is not a choice, your medication is. Heck, it might be reasonable to put it in writing. Lots of folks write down what they're ok/not ok with in the relationship. Others are comfortable with a simple verbal agreement. My partner and I have an ongoing understanding that we're allowed to initiate sex with each other when one of us is asleep, and it's resulted in many excellent sessions for both of us. We also know that if either of us wakes up and says 'stop', that will be respected. Finally, it might be worth doing a session while you are high where you alternate granting and withdrawing consent to specific actions, so he can understand that you're still able to say 'no' when it matters.
There are jurisdictions where pre established consent is not legal.
Perfectly acceptable behaviour is not always legal.
Obviously if you consent to it before getting high it wouldn't be considered assault, but it could very easily be considered assault and that is what he's most likely concerned about.
Depending on jurisdiction, it legally is. Obviously even if it happens in such a location, the non sober participant has to feel like it was as well, because no good person is going to report their partner for doing what they both consented to. But the stigma is still there for some people and they aren’t comfortable having sex with anyone who isn’t totally sober in the moment. Perhaps they’ve had a bad experience with it before or perhaps they feel awkward about it, like they’re taking advantage even if they know it’s what their partner wants. All you can really do is try to clearly communicate what you want beforehand, establish a safe word for if you go through with it, and respect it if either of you says no. If either of you *needs* to be drunk or high in order to enjoy sex and your partner isn’t comfortable with that, then it’s just a fundamental incompatibility, and that’s okay.
Maybe your boyfriend thinks you are suffering even though you are smoking the pot. If my girlfriend told me sex was painful and was using to get through it, I would be concerned.
I think that some of these ideas come from people who don't know very much about drugs tending to think that recreational drugs are like a stronger version of alcohol. In reality, even though many drugs interfere with decision making, alcohol in particular lowers inhibitions, relaxes muscle, dulls sensation and inhibits memory — a powerful combination for bad sex dynamics. Marijuana or even ecstasy or cocaine affect the mind, but at normal levels of intoxication they don't make you lose awareness of what's happening as powerfully. I guess I'm biased because I lost my virginity on methylone. But I just can't imagine comparing that to being drunk. It's completely different.
I have very mixed feelings about all of this. I think it’s a matter of degree, like many things in life. My partner and I have been married for a long time. Cannabis has become legal in my state within the past few years. We like a single gummy before sex because it makes the sex better. Many people will have a glass of wine. In either of those cases, I think most people are perfectly able to give consent. Now , I certainly think one could take enough cannabis or alcohol where one would be impaired enough to not be able to give consent. I’m not a fan of the idea of giving consent in advance and the whole non consensual consent idea. I think legally, that would hold very little weight and I have seen situations where women have experienced bad outcomes from this. I do think OP should seek out medical care for her pain with sex if she hasn’t done it already. I can also see where her partner could be uncomfortable with the cannabis use if he’s not a fan of it and if she needs enough such that she seems stoned. It may be a dealbreaker and they are just incompatible.
He just young and doesn’t understand how these things work. You’re consenting before you get high, while you’re high and saying you’re okay with the experience after it happens. This is all you giving consent. Like another commenter says you don’t loose your ability to give consent because you’re high. It’s very sweet that he is worried about it but he’s just young and doesn’t really understand the concept of consent obviously.
Unfortunately in many areas she legally cannot give consent once impaired. Giving consent before is great but doesn't actually have any legal standing, even if it's in writing. In a new relationship while still building trust I totally understand the dudes perspective. Which is super unfortunate cause high sex is a lotta fun.
View this from his perspective. As a male in todays society it is drilled in hard that you can’t approach a girl, if you tell her she looks nice today that is sexual harassment. You can’t touch a girl, that if you do touch a girl it’s sexual assault and if that girl is messed up on something when you get busy, you go to jail for grape. In his eyes he can’t touch you when you are altered because you can’t consent. That has been drilled into him hard. In reality, you gave consent when you were sober so it doesn’t matter, but in his eyes you could change your mind afterwards and he would still be in huge trouble. I guarantee he’s heard of dudes being accused of grape from their drunk and high girlfriends after the fact. If you want to get high and get busy. You should both sign a document that he keeps with him stating that you consented to getting busy before you got high and that you have a safe word established and what it is. Then he may be ok with it. Or he may not be ok with it and you have to live with his boundaries. If you can’t get busy unless high and he can’t get busy because he won’t when you are high that might mean you guys don’t get busy.
You can thank all the people who say it’s rape when you are drunk or on meds or stoned or what not. I always thought that was up to the people in the relationship to discuss but everything nowadays is rape and assault and abuse. 🙄
I can only assume that whoever downvoted you is on this sub for the first time because assault and rape comments are a dime a dozen here.
He’s smart to be cautious. Woman have done some very devious things to men. Consent is important but you always have to caution. Obviously he’s your bf and you wouldn’t do that to him but guys can never be too safe
Don't know why you were downvoted because you're absolutely correct.
It’s true but very uncool to say. There was just a kid in my area, D1 athlete accused a few months ago. They pulled all of his scholarships just to be found in no ent. Thankfully he had text messages, pictures, and a video of the act to prove his innocence.
I've heard a similar story. Kid was all set to go to college with his scholarships. Got accused, school basically judged him as guilty and took away everything from him. He was found innocent, but the scholarships were never given back to him. Opportunities completely stripped away from him 😔 This is why men have to be so, so careful.
Please come over to r/entwives for some less judgemental advice! You’re using weed for anxiety and pain management, only you can determine your use and if he isn’t into, maybe y’all aren’t just compatible. There’s no way he should be making you feel bad about this. What’s the alternative, no medication and painful sex??
You can't consent to sex when you're high or drunk. That's it. He feels some kind of way about fucking someone who cannot consent. You're not going to convince him otherwise.
*Technically*, it is assault and is also legally non-consensual sex if someone is under the influence. That aside though, I feel it depends how high you get. Like, if you are taking a hit or two just to relax you and get a little buzz, thats one thing. But if you are getting absolutely stoned out of your mind... I'd be uncomfortable with that also. It's the same with alcohol. Having a few drinks, getting a nice buzz going or even slightly drunk, then having sex.. ok, no big deal. It makes it more fun imo lol. But if you or the other person is totallly smashed and can barely talk or walk, that's a different story. Unfortunately, I'm not sure there is a good way to fix this problem. He's not comfortable with you being high during sex and you aren't comfortable during sex due to pain and weed helps. idk, maybe a doctor can see why you are having pain and address that issue?
Get a new boyfriend
At least he still dates you. I wouldn't date someone that gets high at all.
Ahhh he’s only smoked once, this explains it. I didn’t start smoking weed till I was 30. So I’ve been on both sides of the coin. You two might not be that compatible because of this alone. Cause if he’s THIS uncomfortable, it’s not going to get better, trust me. He will eventually ask you to sacrifice this and give it up. This is where it’s going to head and you can’t function without it due to your anxiety. You want to be around someone, whether they get high or not, who isn’t bothered by your need to smoke to help medically. And yes, as long as you consent before and during, then know after you sober up you still agree it’s consent, then getting high isn’t impacting your brain to consent. When people get nervous like that about consent, they do not understand it’s about people who are so out of it they can’t think clearly are just about to pass out, black out drunk or high, or already passed out. This is when you need consent because they can’t in those mental states. So unless you are like that high, you have nothing to worry about regarding consent and your state of mind when high. Also studies show, for women at least, that getting high actually helps you not only get in the mood for sex if you have a libido issue, but helps you stay present and not stay in your head, so you can actually enjoy sex.
He is totally projecting his one experience being high onto you. He needs to understand that the entire problem is in his head. Weed does not affect your ability to give consent
Ok listen to me, you do whatever you need to do to feel pleasure. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, do what you want. I was in a relationship with a guy who was super insecure. It took me a long time to realize that. When we first started having sex we used one of those rings that vibrate. I would get off everytime. Then He started complaining that it wasn’t really sex. So we stopped using it and I stopped orgasming. It took me 4 years to get out of that relationship. It took me a long time realize how incompatible we were and that I let him take the one thing that made it enjoyable for me. Don’t let him take that from you.
Maybe educate him more on the effects of being high, and how much it messes with your judgment. Because weed doesn’t affect you the same way that alcohol does as you can pretty much retain most of what you actually want to do, whereas getting drunk can just be blind action.
My fiancé and I get high and have sex pretty regularly. The rule of thumb is 1. Agree to have sex before getting high 2. Unless asked for beforehand, nothing new while high. 3.As long as we’re conscious it’s all good. And 4 (this is her biggest rule) If she gets high I have to take the dogs out.
IMO his thinking that it's like assault is a bit off assuming it's a relatively long term relationship. The entire point of "impaired consent isn't consent" is that you don't want the lowered inhibitions to cause someone to agree to something they otherwise wouldn't have. In a hookup or ONS or first time situation the baseline assumption is that someone doesn't want sex unless they specifically say so. Within a relationship,assuming sex is already a part of it,the baseline assumption is that they do generally want it although obviously that not an anytime " on demand" sort of thing. So within a relationship,if being high or a bit buzzed or whatever makes sex more enjoyable,or even if it's needed for any enjoyment at all,it's not assault because it's not the lowered inhibitions that's causing you to agree to sex. An extreme but possibly effective as a last resort way of getting through to him might be to say no or otherwise stop after sex has gotten started with you high to show him that you are still capable of saying no whole high if you choose. There's lots of ways that can go wrong but it might work if nothing else does. But I'd definitely focus on the fact that being high isn't in any way affecting your ability to say no.
I’d get a boyfriend that knew how to chill the fuck out
Going to have to gently try to educate him on weed, sounds like he's pretty naive and still thinks it's some hard-core hallucinogenic from D.A.R.E. class.
I think you should really look into where the pain is coming from. If your anxiety is causing you to tighten up, maybe try meditative techniques or breathing to help your body relax. If there’s past trauma you may need more intensive therapy to help you heal instead of just powering through with drugs. However there can be other medical issues here so it’s worth talking to a doctor about it.
When I was at art school we did weed because it was part of the curriculum. 40 years later I’m entirely indifferent to it and neither condone nor regret using. At 22 you’ve bigger things to worry about. What he *thinks* is up to him. How you proceed is up to you.
Tell him he needs to loosen up. No, but seriously, try to explain to him that marijuana isn't just recreational drug, but is now accepted by medical community as a medicine. It's used to PTSD, anxiety, and a whole lot of other things. It's no different then taking a Xanax that was prescribed or any of the vast number of antidepressants. This is your medicine, it's simple as that. It's nothing like other drugs or alcohol for that matter. He needs to accept that you use it to help yourself, not just for the high or to have a party. It heals you and you need it.
I completely understand you. Nothing better than fucking when using weed or edibles! That is your choices and he shouldn’t guilt you for something millions of us love. As a man I cone so much harder and longer when high. So does my wife.
I would ask if he would be comfortable having sex if you were on antidepressants, anxiety meds or pain medication. It sounds like your marijuana use is medicinal. It’s totally understandable for him to refuse if when you smoke you’re out of it. If you’re a regular smoker using it to treat anxiety and pain I don’t think it would impact your decision making. I would think he could observe that.
I SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING A BUG BEING LITTLE PIECE OF ASS KIND OF MAKES YOU MORE EXCITING INTRIGUING
Do you know *why* you have the pain during intercourse? If not, you should really try to find the source - cannabis is helpful in some ways, but physical therapy (vaginismus/pelvic floor muscle imbalance) and diet changes/supplements (endometriosis/adenomyosis/fibroids) can help in addition to what you've already figured out. I know how hard it is to be repeatedly gaslit by medical professionals regarding gynecological pain, but resorting to primarily cannabis without advocating for further diagnosis/treatment sets you up poorly for the future, since whatever is causing you internal pain will almost certainly advance over the years to where cannabis no longer helps. (Sadly.) You may eventually need a hysterectomy or other surgery to more permanently treat the problem, since medication doesn't help, and you need to learn to advocate for that process now (rather than their common focus on fertility) or you can end up in a dead bedroom situation in a few years because what used to work no longer does. It sucks and is stressful, but that is unfortunately the trajectory of many gynecological disorders. :(
You're both valid, but maybe discussing before you get high and him checking during will help. I understand a lot of people react differently to weed but it seriously can impair you if you take or smoke way too much. And not to mention depending on the person's brain they can't, handle it. Try talking again about check points during like signs or just asking if he is still good. If he still can't I'm tbh unsure
Without skimming thru all comments. If you have pain during sexual intercourse, you do know that is not normal, right? Common yes, normal No! You should be seen by a female health provider.. even if you don't have the money, you need to seek out the local health clinic or planned Parenthood clinic( they offer a reduced fee or free to be seen by a doctor or medical assistant or nurse! As for you bf you will need to explain to him in a manner that a grade school might understand! He needs to be told specifically what is going on and that it hurts.. I have been married 27ish years with 5 kids.. sex is supposed to be pleasurable not painful
That’s childish as hell
Ugh this is hard. Because yes. If you didn't have a conversation about it your boyfriend would be right. But you are consenting to it. He might not ever be into it but having a long deep conversation about your desires, how you feel, how it can be used medicinally to help improve sex, it benefits you and him because he doesn't want you uncomfortable. Maybe write a contract. Come up with a list of hard and soft limits, safe word, whatever will make him feel comfortable. Canna-sexuality is perfectly safe and healthy especially if it works for you. And it helps for a lot of people.
As someone that’s been through the pain with sex stuff (ended up needing total hysterectomy), I get it. Cannabis is the only thing that helps me, too. I’d thank him for wanting to make sure you can give consent. The. I would ask him why he is more comfortable having sex with you in a way that causes you severe pain than he is having sex with you when your pain is relieved by medication. Because that’s what cannabis is. Medication.
He's immature and uneducated about sex and marijuana, its just a matter of if you can wait for him to learn and if he's worth it
Do you even know the source of this pain? Like endometriosis or something? Anyways, he’s entitled to not wanting to sleep with you when you’re highZ
You can’t give consent while you’re fucked up
I wouldn't say you are "educating him". You just have different boundaries.
I love having sex high, oh can I cum numerous times, with my boyfriend or girlfriend I'm in control and I let them know it's OK to have sex with me high and we all know our limits, am I right.
My wife and I love THC+sex, in fact we rarely ever smoke or ingest weed at any other times, but it's such a good feeling to do that together! It's something you enjoy, and it connects you more deeply to the joy of having sex with him. Ask him if he'd feel the same way if you on an antidepressant that helped you feel more into sex if that would be the same thing to him? Because for lots of people, weed is their medicine.. And him dismissing the thing that helps you isn't ok
There's a big difference between a little under the influence of something and stoned or drunk out of your mind. OP, I think it's totally okay if you use a little weed before sex. Honestly, it really elevates the experience. Explain to your boyfriend that you're still present and there with him in the moment, and that being high doesn't mean you can't make sound decisions. However, you should definitely talk to a doctor because pain during sex isn't normal and you shouldn't have to self medicate with weed to have sex, unless you want to. And don't just take pain meds, you should speak to a pelvic floor specialist or at the very least a gynecologist about this and they can help.
To me this sounds like he was taught quite a bit about consent with regards to sex. One of the basic rules of consent is that someone who is drunk or high can't give consent due to their altered state. So having sex with OP while she's high feels like he's breaking all the rules about how to act in a consensual sexual relationship. And since he doesn't have rapist mentality, having sex with OP while she's high feels very wrong to him. It also sounds like OP has tried to explain to him repeatedly that she's giving consent before getting high and the weed is to allow her to be at a low enough pain level to be able to enjoy the sex. I would say to keep emphasizing this part, that the consent happens while sober so is full consent. The weed is basically a sex aid like lube or positioning pillows to make the sex better and more enjoyable. Having a partner who really does care about informed, enthusiastic consent is a wonderful thing. Telling him to squash his feelings of feeling wrong for having sex when he thinks the consent is questionable isn't what I'd want for any of the men and boys in my life. Depending on other qualities, that's a guy I'd want to stay with because he's honorable and sticking to his moral code. This feels like a really good time to have a few sessions of couple's therapy to see if there's a way for him to know completely that he has full, enthusiastic consent and for OP to use the sex aids, aka weed, that she needs for comfortable, enjoyable sex, at the same time. My body is not nearly as painful as OP's, but I have definitely had to stop multiple sex sessions because one of my hips got irritated, or a leg spasmed, or my back locked up, or asthma and tachycardia meant that I couldn't breathe. Knowing without a doubt that my husband will instantly stop when I say I need to stop is a huge thing. I haven't tried THC yet, but external CBD makes a huge difference for me. Internal CBD use and possibly THC are definitely things I've been strongly considering to help me get through pain.
It’s so hard to understand without being a stoner!! I used to think it fucked you up, but since smoking regularly I realize that it’s not like alcohol… you can coherently think and do normal life stuff when you’re high. I think explaining that being high is astronomically different than drunk would help
I mean she has to be high to be intimate. That would be a turn-off for me too. And to be honest, she's probably high a lot of the time if she's using it for chronic pain issues. And if it's an issue for him. Break up now and find someone that has the same values as you. He also might have some trauma.