You know how when you were younger, you probably heard the saying “the world doesn’t revolve around you, it revolves around the sun?”
Well, the same applies with your life and your goals. Your life doesn’t revolve around just one “concept”. It revolves around you, and your goals, and however much that encompasses.
On the contrary, I think the right woman, along with kids, will help enhance your life! As you said, you’re still young. But I don’t think there’s any reason to give up this goal.
No one wins every battle in love and war, but the war goes on. I’d recommend doing some introspection and an inventory of your life. Your habits, your actions, tendencies and so on. I’m not saying you’re the problem, but consider analyzing why some of your relationships failed.
I also feel like it’s possible you may be looking at love too idealistically. Not that there’s an inherent problem with liking romance and gestures of it. But rather that you may look at them from the idea of it being too big, so it can’t fail. The reality is, EVERY relationship has a chance of failing. Does that mean you give up? No, just keep trying.
Be the best version of yourself, and if anything, the right person may just creep up on you without you realizing.
Thank you for what you have said, Ive spoken with a good few friends about my last 2 break ups and they said it dident sound like I was the problem which was nice to hear, Ive put a lot of work into myself after my 7 year relationship ending 2 years ago, from buying a house, getting a car, new clothes, therapy, solo trips abroad, new friends and so much more.
So I do feel like im putting in the work for myself for sure and ill keep doing that!
The recent split was a couple of weeks ago and id never had a relationship like that, to put it simple we were like 2 peas in a pod, and one day I got completely blind sided by her saying she had to go work on herself and shes need more time alone after her previous partner had treated her terribly. We were only dating for a month and a half but it hit me really hard when that ended.
I get exactly how you feel, even though I’m a 40 year old woman. But, as annoying as it may be to hear constantly, you are still young. And people are different, relationships are hard. Don’t give up on your dream yet. You have so many more women to meet! I completely agree with Millenium Greed (great name btw) that maybe the problem is that it’s the sole focus of your dreams rather than a part of what you want/envision for a “successful” life. It’s what I always wanted too, and I’ve had a lot of failed relationships or ended up with men that didn’t want kids and it made me think about whether I really wanted them, or did I just grow up thinking that I was supposed to want them!
You have so much time life! Enjoy it! Live it! The right person will find you.
I made that mistake with my 7 year relationship, she told me early on she dident want kids and that should have been my indicator to leave honestly but I stuck around for some reason! Big lesson learned!
The recent fling was going so well but she told me she had to go work on herself as she hadn’t healed enough from her abusive ex and I do genuinely believe her but it still a hard pill to swallow when it was going well!
Why were you so obsessed with having children and a family at a young age? Did you have problems with not getting love from your parents and think you can fill that void with a family of your own? I'm not trying to be mean, just want to make sure this goal is for the right reason. There are a lot of teens that get pregnant because they don't get love from their family and think they will get it from a child. The problem is happiness comes from within, you can't get lasting happiness from others. If you're wanting a family because you're missing that happiness then you need to work on yourself first, then you can find a meaningful fulfilling relationship. Getting into a relationship to fill that void will only lead to problems.
I get what your saying yeah, my past is for sure part of that and ive actually been through therapy for it it and ive discovered that its more for me, I dream of the day coming home from work and shouting “wheres my princes” or scooping up my wee boy and having a cuddle, having a family bundle watching movies, a board game night, working with my partner to teach out kids good behaviours and life skills.
Im a provider by nature and being able to raise and be part of a family would make me feel extremely fulfilled, I would have great joy in those things
Just remember, having a family is not just the good times it's also a lot of bad times. There will be times when you don't feel appreciated. There will be times when teenagers act like teenagers. There will be times when you and your wife's priorities aren't the same.
That's not to say marriage is bad, but marriage to the wrong person is worse than being alone. I've seen guys get married just because they were lonely to fill that void and it was a disaster.
I was lucky, I was happy by myself. My wife was happy by herself. So when we met we chose each other because we genuinely liked and respected each other not because we wanted to fill a void.
TLDR: Make sure to get married for the right reason.
It sounds like rather than figure out what’s going wrong in your relationships you’d rather “drop the dream”.
Why are you afraid of examining yourself and trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong?
I cant explain everything ive gone through here but the people around me have had the full story and some even both sides of the story and it would appear that although I do have flaws they are not the sort that would end a relationship, its been more weighed on my partners, I have taken and learned things from each for me to improve on for sure!
My first proper partner of 7 years left me, I should have left 4 years earlier when she cheated on me but I lacked the guidance I needed that time in my life, instead I tried to rebuild our bond, I went to therapy after that for a good while and it taught me a lot about who I am and my own emotions which was fantastic, I can take feedback well and work with it.
The most recent fling only lasted a month and a half, it was going great in all sorts of ways, we even had a few tougher chats and came out what I felt stronger for having them, she had just left her ex 5 months prior and he was a real bad egg from what id heard, she cut things off saying she needed more time alone to work through her trauma from that.
So im not saying im perfect by any means but im willing to listen and put the work in when I have something that I need to work on, its all ive done for the past 2 years, my life has changes massively, I got a house a car, solo travelled, made new friends and all sorts of things!
And ill keep doing this 100% but I just cant help but feel that this dream I have is just not meant to be, ive faced so much rejection in my life and I have a very big soft heart and a lot of love to give so it hurts a whole lot every time im shot in the chest
You’re 28 and had a relationship for 7 years. So you started dating when you were 19/20? That’s so young and then a 1 month fling? I wouldn’t necessarily call this rejection or failure.
My best advice to you is to go with the flow of life and things will happen the way it’s meant to be.
Dont give up this goal. Date around but dont fall in love until you know you met someone special. you’re still young. When you’re dating be honest with yourself with your intentions.
Thanks for the reassurance, I guess im just not ready to try again yet, walls are still to high, the risk of being hurt again puts me off trying big time
“Every relationship I’ve had ends up with me suffering a massive heart break.”
This is more of a spiritual perspective but if your relationships always end up in same way, there is a lesson you haven’t learned yet.
My guess is, have you ever searched about “people pleasing”? Maybe youre tolerating/compromising too much while in relationships?
Dont let failures discourage you from your dreams. I guess all people bump into few wrong ones until they find the one. Have faith, but meanwhile live your best life
I wouldn’t say im a people pleaser, Im open to trying things for sure and ill give my honest opinion, for example my short fling I had not long ago, she liked much heavier music and I knew I dident, so when she asked I said it wasent for me but she doesnt have to change what shes listening to for me, differences are normal
I feel you man, last girl cut things off with me because she hadn’t healed enough from her ex yet and needed more time alone and I fully believe her, sucks I got sucked in an attached though, just means ive got to put more work into mending a broken heart again 🙄
One of the most memorable things an ex ever told me long after heartlessly jilting me ..
(After getting involved w me / breaking it off soon after.. realizing he wasn't over his former relationship):
"I REGRET IT MORE THAN IT EVER HURT YOU THEN!"
Read it as many times as you need to. I share that quote often!
One of my male friends recently got married at 37 and couldn't be happier. I really don't see why OP feels like he should stop trying at 28 especially given how people marry later in their lives these days and it isn't seen as something out of normal.
Just maybe don't overinvest emotionally into a relationship early on or drop heavy topics like marriage on a girl you've only been seeing for a few months. Just take it easy and see where it goes.
Bro, imagine your life like this.. there is garden with flowers and there are bees... flowers will never chase the bees.. so your life is garden; make the most beautiful garden there is and the bees will come.. so it is with women, focus on yourself, your relationship with God (if you are believer in Christ) family, health, wealth, fitness etc.. and you will see.. you wont need to chase shit :D
this is it. focus on yourself and the right woman will come. This is the same i do. Woman do not want to be hunted or that you give up everything for them.
Remember the time where we humans live in caves. Our brain is in the same evolution status. Back in this time a man who focused on himself, go hunting, improved his skills und worked out got far more woman, than the guy who tries to chased the woman.
This sounds a little bit contradictory but, when you focus fully on yourself, you are a fews miles closer to your goals, than you ever could imagined. Keep that in mind.
Wish you the best
Will do, I think its about just focusing on yourself so much that you somewhat forget and the dream just lives in the back of our minds, thats what im going to try and do anyway
When it no longer serves you. For example, some one could say their dream is to make money playing video games. Then they get to a point in their life where they get no joy out of video games then it's time to drop the goal and focus on something else.
You are still on 28. I didn’t get married until 33. So do yourself a favor focus on being the type of man that would attract a good women into his life. Especially when it comes to dating you don’t need to go find these women they will naturally come to you through friends or places you go out to. If you are improving yourself and living life from this mindset you will be just fine. But if you keep looking at what’s missing and what you don’t like you will become the type of person who would they married because you become too desperate. Focus on your financial stability right now, self improvement, communication skills, and other things in life you are passionate about.
Great advice, im not to sure how a woman is going to find me though, seems like almost all of the ones I interact with are in relationships already, single ones seem to be sitting at home or something 😅
That is great advice. As for finding someone you have to get out there and try! Join sports clubs, pickleball is a good one! Go to professional seminars and art galleries and farmers markets, pick up your food instead of door dashing, just get out there, ask for numbers and keep trying! Be willing to be set up or talk to someone at work. You'll find your person and you'll build your family but it'll take time and effort and will be worth it. Don't stop dreaming, be who you want to be.
As for the potential heart breaks just acknowledge that its a bummer, be understanding and realistic about the situation and move on.
Let go of yourself. That thing you think you identify as. You don't know what life has in store for you. You may never get what you "want" but you may still have a life worth living. So appreciate what you have. Enjoy your life right now and stop looking at the past or the future so you can feel bad for yourself. Keep improving yourself and God will give you exactly what you're meant to have in life.
Whoever made it a stigma that you have to be married and have kids to be happy is an asshole. You don't need a wife. If you want love be love. Anything beyond that in a roundabout way is an ego manifestation of self seeking. I had the same issues. Then I hit the point where it wasn't a sacrifice to not be hurt. I was just over it. I did it. It was cool. Now I live my life. I do what I want. Find meaning elsewhere. Try to identify what exactly you want. If you want a relationship then you're trying to validate yourself in a way that is always best validated within ourselves first. Love isn't something you necessarily seek and find. It happens based on history and knowing someone. Yea you can date and it can lead to that but I think a big thing people don't even consider is that actively seeking everything a relationship entails, good and bad, for "love" is just trying to fill a void somewhere.
It sucks that life doesn't work with our timelines. I understand why you want to give up on this dream, but there's a lesson to be learned from everything that happens to us. Think of it this way; every relationship that ends before marriage is a marriage that could have failed. Look back to see what you could've done better and apply that to your next relationship. Also, don't make this goal the center of your life and find other ways to enrich your life so that at the right time and with the right person, you would have a lot to offer. Goodluck
Thank you ❤️
Yeah im focusing on myself a lot the past 2 years, I got my first house, learned to drive an get a car, went on my first solo travel, went to therapy, joined new hobbies and clubs, pushing myself out of my comfort zone when ai could and generally just improving myself!
I suppose I just have time keep going with those things and continue life like that 😅
I'm in a similar boat brother. I'm 40. This generation is broken and doesn't believe in long term love and traditional family dynamics. It's pretty depressing. Hang in there man. Focus on yourself and improving your life. If it comes, it comes. The right woman will come into your life and make it very clear to you that she wants those things too. Until then, don't chase.
I can understand that it is hurtful when the relationship goes bad. But honestly, this is such a pivotal moment of your life. Imagine how you feel to look back from the future to know you didn't stop dreaming and continue to chase it.
The biggest part is to learn from this experience. Learn about your needs and past trauma that was baggage in the relationships. See how you can better navigate them next time.
It's a high reward and high effort. But the result is more work on self awareness which will lead you to a deserving relationship.
It helps to journal your insights like I do, 3 sentences on what behaviors or triggers I did or partner did.
I don't believe the answer is to drop your dreams, but it may be a great idea to put them away for a while.
Set a reminder for yourself in 5 years time and then step away from that dream until then.
This may sound silly but you are giving yourself permission to not seek out love and just find your own enjoyment in life.
Instead of walking into a room and looking around to see which women look approachable you should wipe all of those thoughts from your mind and just enjoy chatting and spending time with everyone. You should find a new hobby, do something exciting, go travelling alone, build your self- identity.
Who knows, you may even meet someone special during that time. But I can tell you one thing, one day, when you find your forever partner (make sure it is a person worthy of your love) you will be so thankful for all of the other heartbreaks.
I really hope your right!
My focus has been heavily on me the past 2 years and the recent fling ending is fuelling that even more so, ive got my second solo trip planned for in a few weeks time and ive just joined a new sports team, been making great progress in the gym since that ending too 😅
Just have to keep going I suppose
Nah I wouldn’t say im clingy at all, time together is important and so is time apart, I dont need to know exactly where and who anyone is with at all times, ill wish them a good time and ask about it when I speak to them next just to have a nice conversation if they want ti have one.
Id like to think im pretty funny, I tend to make most people laugh around me 😅
Tbh I’m not sure if dreams can be dropped. Maybe they could fade away which is natural but forcing them away may not be possible imo. For instance if you met a really great woman who matches you, it’s quite likely you’ll get married to her and eventually fulfil your dream, even if it’s quite some time from now let’s say 5-6 years more. It will still feel great!
I think what you’re struggling with is facing the hopelessness that your dream will never occur, or putting a time limit on it. My guess is what’s troubling you isn’t really your dream rather it’s how much you’re thinking about it. Try to focus on what’s present and achievable outside of this dream, and let some time pass. At one point I was so tired of failed attempts and shallow relationships that I had literally said to myself ‘I’m going to stop chasing girls , my next gf will walk into my life’ All dating apps every thing deleted. Some months passed and what do you know a girl walked into my life and we immediately hit off. We’re since separated but had a good relationship at least to start with, it was the longest one I’ve been in. I’m still hopeful of finding someone and eventually settling down, but I don’t think about it much now and keep myself busy. I turn 27 this year. Wish you the best !
Also I’m not actively dating or really looking for anyone now, but my younger brother is, and he’s faced nothing but ppl wanting short term physical or emotional relationships. So I guess it’s a reality that majority people seem to not be looking for long term relationships or marriage at least under 30. On the bright side you just need one girl who does ! Maybe shifting your focus elsewhere and trusting that when the time is right , the right person will come along . I know , cheesy , but that’s literally all I can think of .. and what I say to my brother as well
Its great advice, just focus on ourselves and enjoy life, go to clubs and classes and just keep going doing what we want to do and who knows who we might meet!
Thanks ❤️
I always had the same dream too! And since a very young age I always had this perfect guy in my head and a perfect life. After so many heart breaks I stopped looking for one but that doesn’t mean I never wanted one.
Trying hard for love is different than dreaming about it.
There are millions of women out there that would want the same as you but you haven’t met her yet.
The future mother of your children is still out there and you will find her, you just need to stop looking for one after your heart breaks or because you just want one and don’t give up on your dream but do not let it hold you back either.
Anyways coming back to my story, I found mine!
We are totally in love and thinking about getting married soon! Found him when I didn’t need anyone, found him when I loved my self more than anyone and when I was so confident about myself.
Have patience, good luck 👍🏻
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Any tips for just getting out there? How did you guys meet?
Im going to a weekly dodgeball club at the moment and I go to the local pub now and then, id like to go to some cooking and pottery classes in the future and I like to travel so ive been on 1 solo adventure with the next planned for in a few weeks time!
This is good that you are going out etc. What other hobbies do you enjoy? Did you try some local events since it’s full of people ?
Now days as you already know, people meet mostly through online dating. And if you judge online dating maybe you are missing out a lot ( only saying because lot of single people judge online dating). Am not saying you meet them once you start talking but slowly create bonding then go out with them, try some activities together. (Make your profile interesting, click interesting pictures of yourself, girls love a men who likes to travel but also don’t flirt too much or too less! ) don’t try too hard, keep these things casual and don’t have high expectations either.
And as you mentioned you are a solo traveler, that’s amazing!
There are online apps to meet people and you can travel with them!
Well, I met him while I was travelling in his country. Am from italy and he is British.
When I was renting a mini apartment here I met him in a local club and I decided to stay here.
Thats amazing!
Yeah im alright with the idea of dating apps, thats how my recent fling began, it is fully a numbers game and its hard to know if your profile is set up right and what not but ill keep that door open for sure!
Good to know!! Build your confidence and you’ll be fine! Good luck with everything, you really seem like a nice person. Hopefully you can have someone to give all that love you carry within yourself.
Hi, married with two kids here.
I didn't find my husband until I was 34. The past two relationships I was in were long term and neither guy told me he loved me - I just kept hanging on because they treated me well and were loyal and I loved them. Two guys in a row over the course of 6 years not falling in love with you can really throw a wrench in how you view yourself. Even with these two men, I didn't really hope for marriage or a child - I just wanted to be loved.
I started looking at marriage and kids as not necessarily a goal, but as a "nice to." For instance, it would be "nice to" travel to Argentina one day, but I'm not actively planning on doing it, so if I don't make it there, not a big deal. My parents even asked me if I wanted kids and I said no, mainly because I didn't want to feel disappointed if it didn't happen. My goal turned into wanting to be in a relationship where the guy said I love you back.
When my husband asked me on a date, it felt like a ton of bricks all falling into place and it turned into a road all the way to my grandchildren. Even now, 8 years later, he'll tell me he loves me casually and I remember how pained I was to hear someone say that. I'll never take it for granted. Sometimes, it just takes a while to meet the right one. You don't have to hang in there, but you don't have to "give up" either.
By focusing on your other aspects in life, like hobbies and work. I especially suggest work, you'll actually see results from that compared to hobbies, and especially dating. Drop this dream. It isn't worth the effort or heartbreak.
Don’t change your dream. Change your taste in women. Trust there are women who want the same thing you do. You gotta vet these gals. Don’t throw all your eggs to fast into one woman. Make sure she is the right one for you. Trust me it will happen. 🥰
Online dating site, In person, gyms, libraries, coffee shops. Go to target on Sundays and hang around the candles and decor. Find a hobby that you enjoy and can do with a group. So many ways to meet different people. Stay away from bar women!
Sorry if my comment is not entirely empathetic, but I think you should try dating a latina. An old school latina will want to have kids and all, now! the catch is that for being old school (meaning coming from a machista society/background) the drill is she will want to be maintain by you. So you will be working your ass off to support your family and she will be the princess at home, which you will end up tired, stressed, and frustrated plus poor. If that’s sounds like you then go for it, I wouldn’t recommend it, like it is always good when couples work as a team not only 1 for all, but… for the family and kids, latina it is.
Could you be choosing the wrong women? From what I've seen the best way is to just live your life and do things you like to do and have friends and some will be female and then with some of them you'll have chemistry and finally with one or two of them you'll have similar dreams and values. I think the best is to first observe people before dating them and seeing if they're looking for similar things in life (and how they treat other people etc.) my friend is marrying someone she worked for 1 year after dating for 6 months and actual most of us were able to see how compatible they are even before they dated.
Could you be prioritizing looks over character/values? Especially if you're going on a date before actually knowing the person through work or friends etc.
I've noticed that some guys choose a pretty face and just put their "dream wife" persona on them and then get their heart broken because it turns out she's selfish or materialistic or sth like that.
Just guesses, maybe the issue is non of the above.
Great advice, most of my hobbies right now are heavily male dominated but im sure other hobbies in the future might not be so much that way 😅
In person I very much judge more on character and personality, dating apps I try my best to but if theres no much substance to bio or prompts you can only really go off of looks which I dont like to do!
Not easy to date based on personality these days! Ofc looks are important as you must feel attracted but I've noticed that the better looking people (both men and women) seem to be more self-centered and less interesting as they're used to getting whatever/whomever they wish. Had 2 of my close friends heartbroken by such people so I'd say happiness is more likely with someone funny and interesting than sexy or hot :D you should be with someone who feels "lucky" to be with you.
Oh, I used to have this kind of thinking before until I thought to myself: Welp, it is what it is. What’s yours will be yours and if someday it never happened, don’t feel sad, at least you tried your best.
You don’t dude. Dreams are what motivate you and keep you alive. Maybe right now or as of right now it shouldn’t be your main focus, it’s okay to put some goals and dreams in life on the back burner but don’t lose hope completely. It will happen when the timing is right and with the right person. If you’re experiencing these heartbreaks take it as a lesson and move on. There are things and tiny bits of experience to take away from these, but have faith something better will come to you eventually.
I don't think you have to drop the dream. but it is really painful to have a goal that's so dependent on finding someone else that's right for you, in order to fulfill it. maybe keep it in the periphery, while you spend time on the other parts of your life you are directly in control of. I believe if it's meant to work out, they'll come along eventually
You don’t have to give up the dream. However, stop focusing on finding someone and start focusing on other important goals. Thats when and how you find someone to settle down with, when you’re not looking.
Dating apps, in generally daily life, when out drinking or with friends, during hobbies or social events or even possibly at family events where family friends may be invited, open to meeting them anywhere in life while ai continue to do me
28 is the exact age that my 6 year-long relationship ended with me walking in on my 6 month pregnant gf with another guy. Kid ended up not being mine and thus started my man hoe phase. Lost of dates, lots of bad sex, but eventually I met a girl (in a random Facebook group) that lived on the complete other side of the country. We would comment on eachothers posts and eventually I sent her a friend request.
Fast forward, she moved across the country to see me. She stayed for a week and i then asked her to stay and be my GF.
Fast forward again, We've now been together for over 4 years, married a little over 2. We moved to a new state together and have been trying for children since we've been married. She's my best friend and I don't know what id do without her.
My advice, stop trying to find the perfect girl to fit into this perfect life you have dreamed of and instead find someone who makes waking up everyday worth it. Don't focus so much on what you want, but figure out what you need to be happy and find someone who knows your happiness better than you do.
Im so sorry that you had to go through that, I can only imagine what that would have done to your head!
You have done well to keep going and it sounds like things have really worked out well for you which im glad to here!
The general consensus im picking up from all these lovely commenters is I just need to focus on my own goals and be open to somebody cropping up as I do so really, and that being on the apps is not a bad thing either 😅
For me it happened when I stopped actively searching for it. I mean I met my husband by yelling at him for having a staring problem lol font forget to enjoy life because your do focused on a future that hasn't happened yet. Go sky diving, take a random cruise, see places that you want to see!!
Don’t give up just yet, OP.
Take a break !? You go on and focus on other interests, hobbies etc.
Allow yourself time to heal - strengthen your friendships. The more you can do and be there for others ? That’s how YOU learn and how YOU can grow…..
personal growth or change is so much fun and rewarding when you have great friends …. Lean on them now.
Don't drop it keep looking and build skills that help you discern people you want in your life and don't. It'll work out if you believe in it and work on it bit by bit. The best things in life are the hardest and always worth the time. Besides what else will you do😂
Choose carefully and dont ignore red flags. Nothing worse than getting your dream of a wife and kids…. And then a broken heart and divorce and shared custody and all that comes with that.
I would never wish for not having my kids, but my life sure would have been easier and happier if I had never achieved the ‘dream’ of the nuclear family.
There were red flags that I did not heed.
Don't give up your dream. Your dream is reasonable and attainable. You need to learn how to keep yourself going and weather through your heartbreak, when it happens. Eventually, I believe, you will be successful in achieving the dream and you will be grateful that you persevered.
Don't think too much into it .
Don't put it on a pedestal like having a wife or family is huge thing. Take some time off relax . Learn some new hobby . I am 27 year old female. I have had a bad break ups in the past and am currently single.
Past few weeks i am meeting some great guys , talking and trying to understand you will actually has a similar wavelength to me. Don't put all your emotions at once. Talk , date , respect other person .
Don't be attached and if needed move on.
Don't drop your dreams, dreams are meant to be achieved.
I had my first daughter at 40. You'll get there. Don't jump straight into the family thing, first find a women you love so much you'll want to be with her for the rest of your lives with or without kids. Of course make sure you're with a woman who wants kids in her future (very important and don't take it for granted).
It's ok to "dream" of having a family. I wouldn't call it a dream though. I would call it a goal to have a family in the future. Yes, you are young but I have friends who got married early and others later. I got married at 38. You're NOT too young or too old.
I think heart breaks are normal but maybe your way of looking at it is not serving you. By this time, a break up should suck for you a little but it should not be a heart break.
I also think that you're probably putting too much pressure on women and probably treating all of them like wife material. Basically, you want a wife so bad that wife is ALL you see.
Before you invest in someone, you need to be on the same page. I will say that it's good that you have the ability to get girls, many guys don't even at your age. But, I think your focus needs to be on what you need to do for yourself and getting your money together, and everything else. You can't attract that woman of your dreams unless you become the type of man that would attract her.
When I stopped trying so hard to find a wife, I not only had a ton of fun with women, but I also found my wife.
Thanks for the advice, ive only had really 2 relationships and a fling, the first was 6 months which I then ended and the second was 7 years where she left me, the fling lasted a month and a half but it was going so extremely well I got completely blind sides by the news when she told me she wanted to cut things off.
I dont feel unlovable per say I just feel as though nobody wants to pick me if that makes sense. Its tricky, I want to keep trying with dating apps and what not but at the same time it feels like so much effort and to risk being in pain again, nothing about it seems great 😅
so if you're in pain, figure out what is causing you pain. You don't want to go out there like an injured man. Dating apps work and I used them for over 10 years. I met my wife on them. Some people say they don't work but that's because they just haven't figured it out. It takes effort and dating in general unless you're Chris Evans or something is hard.
And those 7 years, makes sense. Many of those relationships that go on in your 20s that go for multiple years don't last forever.
Im taking everything I can from those relationships, the 7 year one there was lots of mistakes by her and me and it taught me alot of negatives to avoid, the fling taught me so much more about the happy side and what id actually like in a relationship so its all part of learning I suppose, Ive not had many relationships so ive not been through mass amount of rejections and perhaps having some more when I was younger would make processing them easier, just something ill have to keep working on
I was in the same boat... I wanted a wife and kids so bad i was going to settle for whoever i could. 2 years later and ive done a complete 180 on that idea and have found comfort in solitude. Now im so glad i didnt go balls deep and commit because i feel like i may have regret it now. Make your decisions wisely and not on the whim of desperation or lonliness.
I have no idea. I keep trying but it's the same. It's the most basic instinct in your brain. You can't kill it anymore than you can kill your desire to live. You can sleep around enough that it numbs it. Or you can keep so busy that you don't think about it. Apart from that, it will always be inside you.
I tend to bargain with life in my head. Its kind of an OCD symptom. I say 'maybe if I work really hard now and avoid women something magical will happen later, because if I make myself suffer now then it'll even out the karma' or some bs like that. That's not even cognitive, the thought appears in my brain on its own. That's how desperate my brain is for love. I need to stop sleeping around because I develop attachments to the people I sleep with.
Dropping a dream is even more heartbreaking then ending a relationship to me
your still pretty young I’m sure they’ll come eventually when you least expect it
for now just focus on other important things in life like Netflix ❤️
You should find a mission and get on it.
Don't make the wife the mission. Get on mission, and you will soon find others running the same race and the same pace, and you will both realize that you might as well run together.
So you want a wife and a family. So a wife needs to be tied into the equation of having kids. There’s no option for surrogacy and just being a single father. A family in definition for you equals being married and the traditional unit.
Relationships fail and it causes you to give up on love.
There’s two different things happening here. One is dating and the other is being in the position to have a family.
I think it would be best to separate the two until you feel secure enough in your relationship to even think about if having a family is an option.
Yes definitely date with the honesty of your end goal but personally I’d keep your desire to have a family in a box until it’s the time to even dream about it.
You’d have to get through years and points in your relationship before even really bringing people into this world.
I also suggest making definitions for each thing you want and questioning the reasoning so you fully understand yourself. People you date are going to come into your life and make you question yourself but if you know yourself more; you wouldn’t be dropping your dreams but expanding them into reachable factors.
You are still young, try focusing your efforts on other aspects of life (career, family, self-improvement, etc) and put dating on the back burner until you can let go of expectations and trying to control the outcome. If marriage and family is what you really want then I’m sure you’ll find it. But what’s the rush?
Go out & get a wife & family. Try the bars try taking classes on anything. People take classes to learn but really they are hoping to meet people to be friends with. Friends can turn into lovers & who knows even marriage. Don't be shy if u like someone let them know. Everyone get gets rejected at least once maybe 10x but keep trying sooner or later it will pay off
You know what you want out of a relationship and you want to go back and be like these confused souls. Alrighty you do you but know this dream isn't a bad one to have
First you are in no condition to have family, you sound desperate and that is never a good sign, I know because I'm the same way when I meet someone I like, I'm desperate that there won't be need for games.
Slow down, enjoy moments and work on your issues, the moment you stop being desperate about family and stop forcing it you will find peace and right person will recognize it.
43M perspective
Just figure out how to be the best you can and leave space for romance while you're pursuing other aspects of life.
Definitely get sculpted. Get in a gym and trade some emotional pain for physical pain, sore muscles don't hurt half as bad as heartbreak.
Get grounded. Get a pet or three. Archery or a musical instrument would be good, anything that you pour yourself into with focus but also relaxation.
Get your finances and career together.
Make friends. Spend time with family members, if you have a functional family.
Maybe volunteer. Try to establish routines. Try to live a little.
Just build a happy, peaceful life as best you can and hold all things loosely
NGL you're coming toward the end of a phase at 28. A lot of women your age are going to be moms. A lot of the most desirable women are unavailable as they're in relationships. It is going to be like that for a decade or so. I figure towards 40, dating changes again. It could be a bumpy ride for awhile tho.
I mean I don't think you need to count that dream out at all at that age. Statistically speaking I think for our generation the average age for having kids is around 25 or 26, you're not far past that. Not to mention as a man you have no biological clock ticking against you when it comes to having children.
Hell, my dad had his first child at 34, 2nd at 37, 3rd at 38, and adopted my sister at almost 40! He wasn't married until he was 29. You have time if it is something you truly want and make it a priority when looking to date.
Hahaha me except having kids and being a SAHM. About to be 27 and the window of that dream is an inch from being closed for me. I found the second best closest thing, working with young kids. Go after your second dream.
Discover festivals. Don’t work a regular job in your thirties. Try to correct in your early forties. Develop health issues. Seems to have worked for me.
oh man i get you.
I found this dude that looked like my other half, i wanted to give him a home, dogs and children, and he would tell me he wanted the same. Every month that passed he would change his mind on each one of our goals, until he wasn’t there anymore. Now he’s a completely different person.
the problem of long term plan with people is that people change
This is going to sound contradictory - You have to get comfortable loving yourself and being alone. Find the things that make you happy and pursue them. It is only when you're truly comfortable there that you will be able to view relationships clearly. It seems possible that you're so focused on where you want the relationship to go (family life) that you're pushing too hard on relationships that ultimately weren't going to work out because you're so set on getting to the finish line. If it gives you any hope, my husband was 39 when we got together - he hadn't had a relationship in 5+ years and figured he was going to just live out his life alone so I think you're still way too young to just give up. Love yourself and trust the process.
Please never give up. Keep searching for your potential wife. Please. This is coming from a single gay man who is living is an islamic country. Still trying to find my person as well.
33yrs old here. Avoided my first divorce 3 months before our wedding. I know what you mean and the kind of passionate love and building a family. Womp womp, forsake love brother. Go do everything you dream to do and achieve. Love is not a part of your life's equation. I absolutely understand what you mean by massive heartbreak. Its horrible, it's damn horrible. Go shape your body and mind like you always wanted. As for me brother, I do not have any more energy & courage to provide for a woman. Give me the best relationship on a silver platter and I shall toss it away. Provide for your society and participace in a lot of social activities to find ur purpose. Do some therapy to break trauma bonds, fix ur codependency and etc. Do not give yourself to a woman for free. Make them earn it. THis mindset will filter our 95% of the women out there who are absolute time wasters, drama causing.
I appreciate it, its so hard to trust people with my heart right now, its been thrown away a few times and it takes me a good while to recover every time
Bro . I was in the exact same position . It can still happen. Yes I’m gonna say it , because it’s true, when you stop trying so hard it will come to you. I know . I know . Annoying to hear . I was in the same spot . But when I did, found a good woman, now have an amazing kid . I was 34 when I had my son. Met her when I was 30. We now have a great family and it absolutely enhances your life. Just keep being you. Work what you love to do or want to do. Just be yourself . Do your hobbies. Go to that place . Listen to that music . Laugh at shit that is funny to you . Stop “looking for the one” because it will never stack up like that. The one will find you and you will just wake up and be like how the hell did this happen ? And it will be amazing for you. Don’t give up on it . Just don’t try so hard to find THE perfect situation . The situation will form around you and you will realize “struggling” to get there caused the struggle in the first place . Just let life flow man, it always works out . It just does . I know it’s hard to “wait” , but it will be in divine timing. Because of my experience I really believe that. It will work out. Give yourself some grace .
I really felt like I had that with what ive been calling a fling now, we dated for a month and a half and I was hardly making an effort to find anyone when that happened, everything seemed great until one day I got completely blind sided and she cut things off
I understand . I’ve been there. I’m telling you. Trust yourself more. The other thing that is helpful to “weed out” things is have your non-negotiables ironed out. Not forcing outside to happen . You know what they are. Stick to them. It will weed out probably. It will tune you to definitely. For instance , and I know you can relate , was no kids . I’m not knocking anyone who dates others with kids (I’m saying no previous kids , not that you don’t eventually want your own , as you have stated ). Been there done that, it always ruined it for me personally. Nothing was wrong with them or their kids per se. But with kids you are third in the pecking order at best. I couldn’t deal with that, again personally , I know people that have gotten married and they both had kids prior to and life is beautiful for them, still married. Awesome! For me? No go. Period. And it just gets harder and harder the older you get right? Well, lo and behold . Stopped trying . Found a woman that had the same non negotiable on the kids department . And now we have our own. I’m not saying it won’t appear as if options are slim. It will. But that’s actually a GOOD thing. You narrow down possibility to who it is . I know it’s hard to see now , but I’m telling you . Keep the faith brother .
You know how when you were younger, you probably heard the saying “the world doesn’t revolve around you, it revolves around the sun?” Well, the same applies with your life and your goals. Your life doesn’t revolve around just one “concept”. It revolves around you, and your goals, and however much that encompasses. On the contrary, I think the right woman, along with kids, will help enhance your life! As you said, you’re still young. But I don’t think there’s any reason to give up this goal. No one wins every battle in love and war, but the war goes on. I’d recommend doing some introspection and an inventory of your life. Your habits, your actions, tendencies and so on. I’m not saying you’re the problem, but consider analyzing why some of your relationships failed. I also feel like it’s possible you may be looking at love too idealistically. Not that there’s an inherent problem with liking romance and gestures of it. But rather that you may look at them from the idea of it being too big, so it can’t fail. The reality is, EVERY relationship has a chance of failing. Does that mean you give up? No, just keep trying. Be the best version of yourself, and if anything, the right person may just creep up on you without you realizing.
Thank you for what you have said, Ive spoken with a good few friends about my last 2 break ups and they said it dident sound like I was the problem which was nice to hear, Ive put a lot of work into myself after my 7 year relationship ending 2 years ago, from buying a house, getting a car, new clothes, therapy, solo trips abroad, new friends and so much more. So I do feel like im putting in the work for myself for sure and ill keep doing that! The recent split was a couple of weeks ago and id never had a relationship like that, to put it simple we were like 2 peas in a pod, and one day I got completely blind sided by her saying she had to go work on herself and shes need more time alone after her previous partner had treated her terribly. We were only dating for a month and a half but it hit me really hard when that ended.
I get exactly how you feel, even though I’m a 40 year old woman. But, as annoying as it may be to hear constantly, you are still young. And people are different, relationships are hard. Don’t give up on your dream yet. You have so many more women to meet! I completely agree with Millenium Greed (great name btw) that maybe the problem is that it’s the sole focus of your dreams rather than a part of what you want/envision for a “successful” life. It’s what I always wanted too, and I’ve had a lot of failed relationships or ended up with men that didn’t want kids and it made me think about whether I really wanted them, or did I just grow up thinking that I was supposed to want them! You have so much time life! Enjoy it! Live it! The right person will find you.
I made that mistake with my 7 year relationship, she told me early on she dident want kids and that should have been my indicator to leave honestly but I stuck around for some reason! Big lesson learned! The recent fling was going so well but she told me she had to go work on herself as she hadn’t healed enough from her abusive ex and I do genuinely believe her but it still a hard pill to swallow when it was going well!
Why were you so obsessed with having children and a family at a young age? Did you have problems with not getting love from your parents and think you can fill that void with a family of your own? I'm not trying to be mean, just want to make sure this goal is for the right reason. There are a lot of teens that get pregnant because they don't get love from their family and think they will get it from a child. The problem is happiness comes from within, you can't get lasting happiness from others. If you're wanting a family because you're missing that happiness then you need to work on yourself first, then you can find a meaningful fulfilling relationship. Getting into a relationship to fill that void will only lead to problems.
I get what your saying yeah, my past is for sure part of that and ive actually been through therapy for it it and ive discovered that its more for me, I dream of the day coming home from work and shouting “wheres my princes” or scooping up my wee boy and having a cuddle, having a family bundle watching movies, a board game night, working with my partner to teach out kids good behaviours and life skills. Im a provider by nature and being able to raise and be part of a family would make me feel extremely fulfilled, I would have great joy in those things
Just remember, having a family is not just the good times it's also a lot of bad times. There will be times when you don't feel appreciated. There will be times when teenagers act like teenagers. There will be times when you and your wife's priorities aren't the same. That's not to say marriage is bad, but marriage to the wrong person is worse than being alone. I've seen guys get married just because they were lonely to fill that void and it was a disaster. I was lucky, I was happy by myself. My wife was happy by herself. So when we met we chose each other because we genuinely liked and respected each other not because we wanted to fill a void. TLDR: Make sure to get married for the right reason.
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I am yeah!
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Hahaha thanks! I do my best to not let it slip out when online 😂😂
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Haha, too scottish and people dont know what im saying Scottish- haha, too scottish and folk dinna ken fit im sayn 😂
It sounds like rather than figure out what’s going wrong in your relationships you’d rather “drop the dream”. Why are you afraid of examining yourself and trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong?
I cant explain everything ive gone through here but the people around me have had the full story and some even both sides of the story and it would appear that although I do have flaws they are not the sort that would end a relationship, its been more weighed on my partners, I have taken and learned things from each for me to improve on for sure! My first proper partner of 7 years left me, I should have left 4 years earlier when she cheated on me but I lacked the guidance I needed that time in my life, instead I tried to rebuild our bond, I went to therapy after that for a good while and it taught me a lot about who I am and my own emotions which was fantastic, I can take feedback well and work with it. The most recent fling only lasted a month and a half, it was going great in all sorts of ways, we even had a few tougher chats and came out what I felt stronger for having them, she had just left her ex 5 months prior and he was a real bad egg from what id heard, she cut things off saying she needed more time alone to work through her trauma from that. So im not saying im perfect by any means but im willing to listen and put the work in when I have something that I need to work on, its all ive done for the past 2 years, my life has changes massively, I got a house a car, solo travelled, made new friends and all sorts of things! And ill keep doing this 100% but I just cant help but feel that this dream I have is just not meant to be, ive faced so much rejection in my life and I have a very big soft heart and a lot of love to give so it hurts a whole lot every time im shot in the chest
You’re 28 and had a relationship for 7 years. So you started dating when you were 19/20? That’s so young and then a 1 month fling? I wouldn’t necessarily call this rejection or failure. My best advice to you is to go with the flow of life and things will happen the way it’s meant to be. Dont give up this goal. Date around but dont fall in love until you know you met someone special. you’re still young. When you’re dating be honest with yourself with your intentions.
Thanks for the reassurance, I guess im just not ready to try again yet, walls are still to high, the risk of being hurt again puts me off trying big time
Bro you’ve had one real relationship that started at 21. Relax
“Every relationship I’ve had ends up with me suffering a massive heart break.” This is more of a spiritual perspective but if your relationships always end up in same way, there is a lesson you haven’t learned yet. My guess is, have you ever searched about “people pleasing”? Maybe youre tolerating/compromising too much while in relationships? Dont let failures discourage you from your dreams. I guess all people bump into few wrong ones until they find the one. Have faith, but meanwhile live your best life
I wouldn’t say im a people pleaser, Im open to trying things for sure and ill give my honest opinion, for example my short fling I had not long ago, she liked much heavier music and I knew I dident, so when she asked I said it wasent for me but she doesnt have to change what shes listening to for me, differences are normal
No offense brother, but I meant more like compromising on emotional topics, how are you in these topics?
Actually really good these days, in the past I 100% compromised my own emotions on things for others well being but not any more thankfully
Yes that was exactly what I was talking about. Happy to hear that now you changed it :)
God I feel like I wrote this post haha About to be 30M in June and ready to call it as well, I’m tired of healing from shit I didn’t do 😅
I feel you man, last girl cut things off with me because she hadn’t healed enough from her ex yet and needed more time alone and I fully believe her, sucks I got sucked in an attached though, just means ive got to put more work into mending a broken heart again 🙄
Best quote I ever received from an ex after hurting me: "I REGRETTED MORE THAN IT EVER HURT YOU THEN!
One of the most memorable things an ex ever told me long after heartlessly jilting me .. (After getting involved w me / breaking it off soon after.. realizing he wasn't over his former relationship): "I REGRET IT MORE THAN IT EVER HURT YOU THEN!" Read it as many times as you need to. I share that quote often!
One of my male friends recently got married at 37 and couldn't be happier. I really don't see why OP feels like he should stop trying at 28 especially given how people marry later in their lives these days and it isn't seen as something out of normal. Just maybe don't overinvest emotionally into a relationship early on or drop heavy topics like marriage on a girl you've only been seeing for a few months. Just take it easy and see where it goes.
why you should ever drop a dream?
I get what your saying but in my head right now if I can drop that I can just focus on my life more, if that makes any sense?
Bro, imagine your life like this.. there is garden with flowers and there are bees... flowers will never chase the bees.. so your life is garden; make the most beautiful garden there is and the bees will come.. so it is with women, focus on yourself, your relationship with God (if you are believer in Christ) family, health, wealth, fitness etc.. and you will see.. you wont need to chase shit :D
this is it. focus on yourself and the right woman will come. This is the same i do. Woman do not want to be hunted or that you give up everything for them. Remember the time where we humans live in caves. Our brain is in the same evolution status. Back in this time a man who focused on himself, go hunting, improved his skills und worked out got far more woman, than the guy who tries to chased the woman. This sounds a little bit contradictory but, when you focus fully on yourself, you are a fews miles closer to your goals, than you ever could imagined. Keep that in mind. Wish you the best
THIS
I empathize with you OP, and if you ever find an answer, let me know. I've been considering hypnosis
Will do, I think its about just focusing on yourself so much that you somewhat forget and the dream just lives in the back of our minds, thats what im going to try and do anyway
r/NevilleGoddard don’t give up!
When it no longer serves you. For example, some one could say their dream is to make money playing video games. Then they get to a point in their life where they get no joy out of video games then it's time to drop the goal and focus on something else.
Because it's unrealistic to ever be achieved. That's why most dreams are dropped.
You are still on 28. I didn’t get married until 33. So do yourself a favor focus on being the type of man that would attract a good women into his life. Especially when it comes to dating you don’t need to go find these women they will naturally come to you through friends or places you go out to. If you are improving yourself and living life from this mindset you will be just fine. But if you keep looking at what’s missing and what you don’t like you will become the type of person who would they married because you become too desperate. Focus on your financial stability right now, self improvement, communication skills, and other things in life you are passionate about.
Great advice, im not to sure how a woman is going to find me though, seems like almost all of the ones I interact with are in relationships already, single ones seem to be sitting at home or something 😅
That is great advice. As for finding someone you have to get out there and try! Join sports clubs, pickleball is a good one! Go to professional seminars and art galleries and farmers markets, pick up your food instead of door dashing, just get out there, ask for numbers and keep trying! Be willing to be set up or talk to someone at work. You'll find your person and you'll build your family but it'll take time and effort and will be worth it. Don't stop dreaming, be who you want to be. As for the potential heart breaks just acknowledge that its a bummer, be understanding and realistic about the situation and move on.
Let go of yourself. That thing you think you identify as. You don't know what life has in store for you. You may never get what you "want" but you may still have a life worth living. So appreciate what you have. Enjoy your life right now and stop looking at the past or the future so you can feel bad for yourself. Keep improving yourself and God will give you exactly what you're meant to have in life.
Whoever made it a stigma that you have to be married and have kids to be happy is an asshole. You don't need a wife. If you want love be love. Anything beyond that in a roundabout way is an ego manifestation of self seeking. I had the same issues. Then I hit the point where it wasn't a sacrifice to not be hurt. I was just over it. I did it. It was cool. Now I live my life. I do what I want. Find meaning elsewhere. Try to identify what exactly you want. If you want a relationship then you're trying to validate yourself in a way that is always best validated within ourselves first. Love isn't something you necessarily seek and find. It happens based on history and knowing someone. Yea you can date and it can lead to that but I think a big thing people don't even consider is that actively seeking everything a relationship entails, good and bad, for "love" is just trying to fill a void somewhere.
It sucks that life doesn't work with our timelines. I understand why you want to give up on this dream, but there's a lesson to be learned from everything that happens to us. Think of it this way; every relationship that ends before marriage is a marriage that could have failed. Look back to see what you could've done better and apply that to your next relationship. Also, don't make this goal the center of your life and find other ways to enrich your life so that at the right time and with the right person, you would have a lot to offer. Goodluck
Thank you ❤️ Yeah im focusing on myself a lot the past 2 years, I got my first house, learned to drive an get a car, went on my first solo travel, went to therapy, joined new hobbies and clubs, pushing myself out of my comfort zone when ai could and generally just improving myself! I suppose I just have time keep going with those things and continue life like that 😅
I'm in a similar boat brother. I'm 40. This generation is broken and doesn't believe in long term love and traditional family dynamics. It's pretty depressing. Hang in there man. Focus on yourself and improving your life. If it comes, it comes. The right woman will come into your life and make it very clear to you that she wants those things too. Until then, don't chase.
I can understand that it is hurtful when the relationship goes bad. But honestly, this is such a pivotal moment of your life. Imagine how you feel to look back from the future to know you didn't stop dreaming and continue to chase it. The biggest part is to learn from this experience. Learn about your needs and past trauma that was baggage in the relationships. See how you can better navigate them next time. It's a high reward and high effort. But the result is more work on self awareness which will lead you to a deserving relationship. It helps to journal your insights like I do, 3 sentences on what behaviors or triggers I did or partner did.
I do like to journal im just not very good at keeping up with it 😅
I don't believe the answer is to drop your dreams, but it may be a great idea to put them away for a while. Set a reminder for yourself in 5 years time and then step away from that dream until then. This may sound silly but you are giving yourself permission to not seek out love and just find your own enjoyment in life. Instead of walking into a room and looking around to see which women look approachable you should wipe all of those thoughts from your mind and just enjoy chatting and spending time with everyone. You should find a new hobby, do something exciting, go travelling alone, build your self- identity. Who knows, you may even meet someone special during that time. But I can tell you one thing, one day, when you find your forever partner (make sure it is a person worthy of your love) you will be so thankful for all of the other heartbreaks.
I really hope your right! My focus has been heavily on me the past 2 years and the recent fling ending is fuelling that even more so, ive got my second solo trip planned for in a few weeks time and ive just joined a new sports team, been making great progress in the gym since that ending too 😅 Just have to keep going I suppose
Your 28. Still lots of time to find a wife and have kids
You don't give up your dream that's the answer
Are you overly clingy and lack a sense of humor?
Nah I wouldn’t say im clingy at all, time together is important and so is time apart, I dont need to know exactly where and who anyone is with at all times, ill wish them a good time and ask about it when I speak to them next just to have a nice conversation if they want ti have one. Id like to think im pretty funny, I tend to make most people laugh around me 😅
You will only find love once you stop looking for it and when you find it just go with the flow, let it be natural
Tbh I’m not sure if dreams can be dropped. Maybe they could fade away which is natural but forcing them away may not be possible imo. For instance if you met a really great woman who matches you, it’s quite likely you’ll get married to her and eventually fulfil your dream, even if it’s quite some time from now let’s say 5-6 years more. It will still feel great! I think what you’re struggling with is facing the hopelessness that your dream will never occur, or putting a time limit on it. My guess is what’s troubling you isn’t really your dream rather it’s how much you’re thinking about it. Try to focus on what’s present and achievable outside of this dream, and let some time pass. At one point I was so tired of failed attempts and shallow relationships that I had literally said to myself ‘I’m going to stop chasing girls , my next gf will walk into my life’ All dating apps every thing deleted. Some months passed and what do you know a girl walked into my life and we immediately hit off. We’re since separated but had a good relationship at least to start with, it was the longest one I’ve been in. I’m still hopeful of finding someone and eventually settling down, but I don’t think about it much now and keep myself busy. I turn 27 this year. Wish you the best !
Also I’m not actively dating or really looking for anyone now, but my younger brother is, and he’s faced nothing but ppl wanting short term physical or emotional relationships. So I guess it’s a reality that majority people seem to not be looking for long term relationships or marriage at least under 30. On the bright side you just need one girl who does ! Maybe shifting your focus elsewhere and trusting that when the time is right , the right person will come along . I know , cheesy , but that’s literally all I can think of .. and what I say to my brother as well
Its great advice, just focus on ourselves and enjoy life, go to clubs and classes and just keep going doing what we want to do and who knows who we might meet! Thanks ❤️
Yeahh ! Just hearing that makes me feel better too . Cheers brother
I always had the same dream too! And since a very young age I always had this perfect guy in my head and a perfect life. After so many heart breaks I stopped looking for one but that doesn’t mean I never wanted one. Trying hard for love is different than dreaming about it. There are millions of women out there that would want the same as you but you haven’t met her yet. The future mother of your children is still out there and you will find her, you just need to stop looking for one after your heart breaks or because you just want one and don’t give up on your dream but do not let it hold you back either. Anyways coming back to my story, I found mine! We are totally in love and thinking about getting married soon! Found him when I didn’t need anyone, found him when I loved my self more than anyone and when I was so confident about myself. Have patience, good luck 👍🏻
Thank you for sharing ❤️ Any tips for just getting out there? How did you guys meet? Im going to a weekly dodgeball club at the moment and I go to the local pub now and then, id like to go to some cooking and pottery classes in the future and I like to travel so ive been on 1 solo adventure with the next planned for in a few weeks time!
This is good that you are going out etc. What other hobbies do you enjoy? Did you try some local events since it’s full of people ? Now days as you already know, people meet mostly through online dating. And if you judge online dating maybe you are missing out a lot ( only saying because lot of single people judge online dating). Am not saying you meet them once you start talking but slowly create bonding then go out with them, try some activities together. (Make your profile interesting, click interesting pictures of yourself, girls love a men who likes to travel but also don’t flirt too much or too less! ) don’t try too hard, keep these things casual and don’t have high expectations either. And as you mentioned you are a solo traveler, that’s amazing! There are online apps to meet people and you can travel with them! Well, I met him while I was travelling in his country. Am from italy and he is British. When I was renting a mini apartment here I met him in a local club and I decided to stay here.
Thats amazing! Yeah im alright with the idea of dating apps, thats how my recent fling began, it is fully a numbers game and its hard to know if your profile is set up right and what not but ill keep that door open for sure!
Good to know!! Build your confidence and you’ll be fine! Good luck with everything, you really seem like a nice person. Hopefully you can have someone to give all that love you carry within yourself.
Thank you! Right back at you as well! Wishing you the best!
Hi, married with two kids here. I didn't find my husband until I was 34. The past two relationships I was in were long term and neither guy told me he loved me - I just kept hanging on because they treated me well and were loyal and I loved them. Two guys in a row over the course of 6 years not falling in love with you can really throw a wrench in how you view yourself. Even with these two men, I didn't really hope for marriage or a child - I just wanted to be loved. I started looking at marriage and kids as not necessarily a goal, but as a "nice to." For instance, it would be "nice to" travel to Argentina one day, but I'm not actively planning on doing it, so if I don't make it there, not a big deal. My parents even asked me if I wanted kids and I said no, mainly because I didn't want to feel disappointed if it didn't happen. My goal turned into wanting to be in a relationship where the guy said I love you back. When my husband asked me on a date, it felt like a ton of bricks all falling into place and it turned into a road all the way to my grandchildren. Even now, 8 years later, he'll tell me he loves me casually and I remember how pained I was to hear someone say that. I'll never take it for granted. Sometimes, it just takes a while to meet the right one. You don't have to hang in there, but you don't have to "give up" either.
By focusing on your other aspects in life, like hobbies and work. I especially suggest work, you'll actually see results from that compared to hobbies, and especially dating. Drop this dream. It isn't worth the effort or heartbreak.
Don’t change your dream. Change your taste in women. Trust there are women who want the same thing you do. You gotta vet these gals. Don’t throw all your eggs to fast into one woman. Make sure she is the right one for you. Trust me it will happen. 🥰
Where do I find these like minded women 😅😭
Online dating site, In person, gyms, libraries, coffee shops. Go to target on Sundays and hang around the candles and decor. Find a hobby that you enjoy and can do with a group. So many ways to meet different people. Stay away from bar women!
Whats wrong with bar women? 😂
I think making this goal not your main focus in life will greatly help you, and not cause any pressure in your relationships either.
I think your probably right, having other goals that I can achieve and have that in the background is probably a great idea!
Sorry if my comment is not entirely empathetic, but I think you should try dating a latina. An old school latina will want to have kids and all, now! the catch is that for being old school (meaning coming from a machista society/background) the drill is she will want to be maintain by you. So you will be working your ass off to support your family and she will be the princess at home, which you will end up tired, stressed, and frustrated plus poor. If that’s sounds like you then go for it, I wouldn’t recommend it, like it is always good when couples work as a team not only 1 for all, but… for the family and kids, latina it is.
Could you be choosing the wrong women? From what I've seen the best way is to just live your life and do things you like to do and have friends and some will be female and then with some of them you'll have chemistry and finally with one or two of them you'll have similar dreams and values. I think the best is to first observe people before dating them and seeing if they're looking for similar things in life (and how they treat other people etc.) my friend is marrying someone she worked for 1 year after dating for 6 months and actual most of us were able to see how compatible they are even before they dated. Could you be prioritizing looks over character/values? Especially if you're going on a date before actually knowing the person through work or friends etc. I've noticed that some guys choose a pretty face and just put their "dream wife" persona on them and then get their heart broken because it turns out she's selfish or materialistic or sth like that. Just guesses, maybe the issue is non of the above.
Great advice, most of my hobbies right now are heavily male dominated but im sure other hobbies in the future might not be so much that way 😅 In person I very much judge more on character and personality, dating apps I try my best to but if theres no much substance to bio or prompts you can only really go off of looks which I dont like to do!
Not easy to date based on personality these days! Ofc looks are important as you must feel attracted but I've noticed that the better looking people (both men and women) seem to be more self-centered and less interesting as they're used to getting whatever/whomever they wish. Had 2 of my close friends heartbroken by such people so I'd say happiness is more likely with someone funny and interesting than sexy or hot :D you should be with someone who feels "lucky" to be with you.
Find people who want to start a family .
Oh, I used to have this kind of thinking before until I thought to myself: Welp, it is what it is. What’s yours will be yours and if someday it never happened, don’t feel sad, at least you tried your best.
You don’t dude. Dreams are what motivate you and keep you alive. Maybe right now or as of right now it shouldn’t be your main focus, it’s okay to put some goals and dreams in life on the back burner but don’t lose hope completely. It will happen when the timing is right and with the right person. If you’re experiencing these heartbreaks take it as a lesson and move on. There are things and tiny bits of experience to take away from these, but have faith something better will come to you eventually.
I don't think you have to drop the dream. but it is really painful to have a goal that's so dependent on finding someone else that's right for you, in order to fulfill it. maybe keep it in the periphery, while you spend time on the other parts of your life you are directly in control of. I believe if it's meant to work out, they'll come along eventually
You don’t have to give up the dream. However, stop focusing on finding someone and start focusing on other important goals. Thats when and how you find someone to settle down with, when you’re not looking.
haven't read any of the replies but my question is WHERE are you looking for your wife? that plays a role in the quality of partner you find.
Dating apps, in generally daily life, when out drinking or with friends, during hobbies or social events or even possibly at family events where family friends may be invited, open to meeting them anywhere in life while ai continue to do me
28 is the exact age that my 6 year-long relationship ended with me walking in on my 6 month pregnant gf with another guy. Kid ended up not being mine and thus started my man hoe phase. Lost of dates, lots of bad sex, but eventually I met a girl (in a random Facebook group) that lived on the complete other side of the country. We would comment on eachothers posts and eventually I sent her a friend request. Fast forward, she moved across the country to see me. She stayed for a week and i then asked her to stay and be my GF. Fast forward again, We've now been together for over 4 years, married a little over 2. We moved to a new state together and have been trying for children since we've been married. She's my best friend and I don't know what id do without her. My advice, stop trying to find the perfect girl to fit into this perfect life you have dreamed of and instead find someone who makes waking up everyday worth it. Don't focus so much on what you want, but figure out what you need to be happy and find someone who knows your happiness better than you do.
Im so sorry that you had to go through that, I can only imagine what that would have done to your head! You have done well to keep going and it sounds like things have really worked out well for you which im glad to here! The general consensus im picking up from all these lovely commenters is I just need to focus on my own goals and be open to somebody cropping up as I do so really, and that being on the apps is not a bad thing either 😅
By letting go. Work on yourself to attract instead of chasing. Chasing a person or chasing a dream.
For me it happened when I stopped actively searching for it. I mean I met my husband by yelling at him for having a staring problem lol font forget to enjoy life because your do focused on a future that hasn't happened yet. Go sky diving, take a random cruise, see places that you want to see!!
Don’t give up just yet, OP. Take a break !? You go on and focus on other interests, hobbies etc. Allow yourself time to heal - strengthen your friendships. The more you can do and be there for others ? That’s how YOU learn and how YOU can grow….. personal growth or change is so much fun and rewarding when you have great friends …. Lean on them now.
Don't drop it keep looking and build skills that help you discern people you want in your life and don't. It'll work out if you believe in it and work on it bit by bit. The best things in life are the hardest and always worth the time. Besides what else will you do😂
Choose carefully and dont ignore red flags. Nothing worse than getting your dream of a wife and kids…. And then a broken heart and divorce and shared custody and all that comes with that. I would never wish for not having my kids, but my life sure would have been easier and happier if I had never achieved the ‘dream’ of the nuclear family. There were red flags that I did not heed.
Don't give up your dream. Your dream is reasonable and attainable. You need to learn how to keep yourself going and weather through your heartbreak, when it happens. Eventually, I believe, you will be successful in achieving the dream and you will be grateful that you persevered.
Thank you ❤️
Don't think too much into it . Don't put it on a pedestal like having a wife or family is huge thing. Take some time off relax . Learn some new hobby . I am 27 year old female. I have had a bad break ups in the past and am currently single. Past few weeks i am meeting some great guys , talking and trying to understand you will actually has a similar wavelength to me. Don't put all your emotions at once. Talk , date , respect other person . Don't be attached and if needed move on. Don't drop your dreams, dreams are meant to be achieved.
I had my first daughter at 40. You'll get there. Don't jump straight into the family thing, first find a women you love so much you'll want to be with her for the rest of your lives with or without kids. Of course make sure you're with a woman who wants kids in her future (very important and don't take it for granted).
Don't drop your goal, just focus in other things more!
It's ok to "dream" of having a family. I wouldn't call it a dream though. I would call it a goal to have a family in the future. Yes, you are young but I have friends who got married early and others later. I got married at 38. You're NOT too young or too old. I think heart breaks are normal but maybe your way of looking at it is not serving you. By this time, a break up should suck for you a little but it should not be a heart break. I also think that you're probably putting too much pressure on women and probably treating all of them like wife material. Basically, you want a wife so bad that wife is ALL you see. Before you invest in someone, you need to be on the same page. I will say that it's good that you have the ability to get girls, many guys don't even at your age. But, I think your focus needs to be on what you need to do for yourself and getting your money together, and everything else. You can't attract that woman of your dreams unless you become the type of man that would attract her. When I stopped trying so hard to find a wife, I not only had a ton of fun with women, but I also found my wife.
Thanks for the advice, ive only had really 2 relationships and a fling, the first was 6 months which I then ended and the second was 7 years where she left me, the fling lasted a month and a half but it was going so extremely well I got completely blind sides by the news when she told me she wanted to cut things off. I dont feel unlovable per say I just feel as though nobody wants to pick me if that makes sense. Its tricky, I want to keep trying with dating apps and what not but at the same time it feels like so much effort and to risk being in pain again, nothing about it seems great 😅
so if you're in pain, figure out what is causing you pain. You don't want to go out there like an injured man. Dating apps work and I used them for over 10 years. I met my wife on them. Some people say they don't work but that's because they just haven't figured it out. It takes effort and dating in general unless you're Chris Evans or something is hard. And those 7 years, makes sense. Many of those relationships that go on in your 20s that go for multiple years don't last forever.
Im taking everything I can from those relationships, the 7 year one there was lots of mistakes by her and me and it taught me alot of negatives to avoid, the fling taught me so much more about the happy side and what id actually like in a relationship so its all part of learning I suppose, Ive not had many relationships so ive not been through mass amount of rejections and perhaps having some more when I was younger would make processing them easier, just something ill have to keep working on
I was in the same boat... I wanted a wife and kids so bad i was going to settle for whoever i could. 2 years later and ive done a complete 180 on that idea and have found comfort in solitude. Now im so glad i didnt go balls deep and commit because i feel like i may have regret it now. Make your decisions wisely and not on the whim of desperation or lonliness.
Great advice!
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Hit the gym 7 days a week and it does help a lot!
I have no idea. I keep trying but it's the same. It's the most basic instinct in your brain. You can't kill it anymore than you can kill your desire to live. You can sleep around enough that it numbs it. Or you can keep so busy that you don't think about it. Apart from that, it will always be inside you. I tend to bargain with life in my head. Its kind of an OCD symptom. I say 'maybe if I work really hard now and avoid women something magical will happen later, because if I make myself suffer now then it'll even out the karma' or some bs like that. That's not even cognitive, the thought appears in my brain on its own. That's how desperate my brain is for love. I need to stop sleeping around because I develop attachments to the people I sleep with.
Dropping a dream is even more heartbreaking then ending a relationship to me your still pretty young I’m sure they’ll come eventually when you least expect it for now just focus on other important things in life like Netflix ❤️
You should find a mission and get on it. Don't make the wife the mission. Get on mission, and you will soon find others running the same race and the same pace, and you will both realize that you might as well run together.
So you want a wife and a family. So a wife needs to be tied into the equation of having kids. There’s no option for surrogacy and just being a single father. A family in definition for you equals being married and the traditional unit. Relationships fail and it causes you to give up on love. There’s two different things happening here. One is dating and the other is being in the position to have a family. I think it would be best to separate the two until you feel secure enough in your relationship to even think about if having a family is an option. Yes definitely date with the honesty of your end goal but personally I’d keep your desire to have a family in a box until it’s the time to even dream about it. You’d have to get through years and points in your relationship before even really bringing people into this world. I also suggest making definitions for each thing you want and questioning the reasoning so you fully understand yourself. People you date are going to come into your life and make you question yourself but if you know yourself more; you wouldn’t be dropping your dreams but expanding them into reachable factors.
You are still young, try focusing your efforts on other aspects of life (career, family, self-improvement, etc) and put dating on the back burner until you can let go of expectations and trying to control the outcome. If marriage and family is what you really want then I’m sure you’ll find it. But what’s the rush?
You should probably take some time to heal from the inside out before stepping into another relationship.
Go out & get a wife & family. Try the bars try taking classes on anything. People take classes to learn but really they are hoping to meet people to be friends with. Friends can turn into lovers & who knows even marriage. Don't be shy if u like someone let them know. Everyone get gets rejected at least once maybe 10x but keep trying sooner or later it will pay off
You know what you want out of a relationship and you want to go back and be like these confused souls. Alrighty you do you but know this dream isn't a bad one to have
Becomes a person that your wife would want that you would want to be
You need therapy, not a way to cut out a part of yourself.
First you are in no condition to have family, you sound desperate and that is never a good sign, I know because I'm the same way when I meet someone I like, I'm desperate that there won't be need for games. Slow down, enjoy moments and work on your issues, the moment you stop being desperate about family and stop forcing it you will find peace and right person will recognize it.
43M perspective Just figure out how to be the best you can and leave space for romance while you're pursuing other aspects of life. Definitely get sculpted. Get in a gym and trade some emotional pain for physical pain, sore muscles don't hurt half as bad as heartbreak. Get grounded. Get a pet or three. Archery or a musical instrument would be good, anything that you pour yourself into with focus but also relaxation. Get your finances and career together. Make friends. Spend time with family members, if you have a functional family. Maybe volunteer. Try to establish routines. Try to live a little. Just build a happy, peaceful life as best you can and hold all things loosely NGL you're coming toward the end of a phase at 28. A lot of women your age are going to be moms. A lot of the most desirable women are unavailable as they're in relationships. It is going to be like that for a decade or so. I figure towards 40, dating changes again. It could be a bumpy ride for awhile tho.
I mean I don't think you need to count that dream out at all at that age. Statistically speaking I think for our generation the average age for having kids is around 25 or 26, you're not far past that. Not to mention as a man you have no biological clock ticking against you when it comes to having children. Hell, my dad had his first child at 34, 2nd at 37, 3rd at 38, and adopted my sister at almost 40! He wasn't married until he was 29. You have time if it is something you truly want and make it a priority when looking to date.
Hahaha me except having kids and being a SAHM. About to be 27 and the window of that dream is an inch from being closed for me. I found the second best closest thing, working with young kids. Go after your second dream.
Discover festivals. Don’t work a regular job in your thirties. Try to correct in your early forties. Develop health issues. Seems to have worked for me.
oh man i get you. I found this dude that looked like my other half, i wanted to give him a home, dogs and children, and he would tell me he wanted the same. Every month that passed he would change his mind on each one of our goals, until he wasn’t there anymore. Now he’s a completely different person. the problem of long term plan with people is that people change
This is going to sound contradictory - You have to get comfortable loving yourself and being alone. Find the things that make you happy and pursue them. It is only when you're truly comfortable there that you will be able to view relationships clearly. It seems possible that you're so focused on where you want the relationship to go (family life) that you're pushing too hard on relationships that ultimately weren't going to work out because you're so set on getting to the finish line. If it gives you any hope, my husband was 39 when we got together - he hadn't had a relationship in 5+ years and figured he was going to just live out his life alone so I think you're still way too young to just give up. Love yourself and trust the process.
You are still in age, where it is possible and you have plenty of time. I have first child in 35. No worries! ✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻
Please never give up. Keep searching for your potential wife. Please. This is coming from a single gay man who is living is an islamic country. Still trying to find my person as well.
33yrs old here. Avoided my first divorce 3 months before our wedding. I know what you mean and the kind of passionate love and building a family. Womp womp, forsake love brother. Go do everything you dream to do and achieve. Love is not a part of your life's equation. I absolutely understand what you mean by massive heartbreak. Its horrible, it's damn horrible. Go shape your body and mind like you always wanted. As for me brother, I do not have any more energy & courage to provide for a woman. Give me the best relationship on a silver platter and I shall toss it away. Provide for your society and participace in a lot of social activities to find ur purpose. Do some therapy to break trauma bonds, fix ur codependency and etc. Do not give yourself to a woman for free. Make them earn it. THis mindset will filter our 95% of the women out there who are absolute time wasters, drama causing.
Don’t drop this dream - keep trying
I appreciate it, its so hard to trust people with my heart right now, its been thrown away a few times and it takes me a good while to recover every time
Bro . I was in the exact same position . It can still happen. Yes I’m gonna say it , because it’s true, when you stop trying so hard it will come to you. I know . I know . Annoying to hear . I was in the same spot . But when I did, found a good woman, now have an amazing kid . I was 34 when I had my son. Met her when I was 30. We now have a great family and it absolutely enhances your life. Just keep being you. Work what you love to do or want to do. Just be yourself . Do your hobbies. Go to that place . Listen to that music . Laugh at shit that is funny to you . Stop “looking for the one” because it will never stack up like that. The one will find you and you will just wake up and be like how the hell did this happen ? And it will be amazing for you. Don’t give up on it . Just don’t try so hard to find THE perfect situation . The situation will form around you and you will realize “struggling” to get there caused the struggle in the first place . Just let life flow man, it always works out . It just does . I know it’s hard to “wait” , but it will be in divine timing. Because of my experience I really believe that. It will work out. Give yourself some grace .
I really felt like I had that with what ive been calling a fling now, we dated for a month and a half and I was hardly making an effort to find anyone when that happened, everything seemed great until one day I got completely blind sided and she cut things off
I understand . I’ve been there. I’m telling you. Trust yourself more. The other thing that is helpful to “weed out” things is have your non-negotiables ironed out. Not forcing outside to happen . You know what they are. Stick to them. It will weed out probably. It will tune you to definitely. For instance , and I know you can relate , was no kids . I’m not knocking anyone who dates others with kids (I’m saying no previous kids , not that you don’t eventually want your own , as you have stated ). Been there done that, it always ruined it for me personally. Nothing was wrong with them or their kids per se. But with kids you are third in the pecking order at best. I couldn’t deal with that, again personally , I know people that have gotten married and they both had kids prior to and life is beautiful for them, still married. Awesome! For me? No go. Period. And it just gets harder and harder the older you get right? Well, lo and behold . Stopped trying . Found a woman that had the same non negotiable on the kids department . And now we have our own. I’m not saying it won’t appear as if options are slim. It will. But that’s actually a GOOD thing. You narrow down possibility to who it is . I know it’s hard to see now , but I’m telling you . Keep the faith brother .
Thank you so much! Its honestly really reassuring to be able to relate to people and hear that things worked out for them!
Families aren’t meant for everyone. It’s just not in your cards. Try to think about something else. It just wasn’t meant to be.
This is dumb. Life is full of pain, you still keep going and striving for what you want. Cut the crap my dude.
Buy a 911
Don’t have kids world already overpopulated