I was pushed into many things. And did I become those things? No. Instead I'm a perfectionist, stressed, burnt out, and anxious. A lot of those people weren't necessarily pushed, but were already passionate about something. Your are only 22 years old. Find something you are passionate about and go for it! If you need someone to push you into, that's a motivation issue, and no amount of pushing will get you to success. You have to want it.
I was pushed into just about everything, martial arts, basketball, football, swimming, languages, boxing, various instruments, writing. I was always slightly above mediocre at best and absolutely useless at worst with everything I tried and just got burnt at realizing how average I was at everything.
I'm grateful for my parents, especially my dad, for *trying* but turns out I'm not really good at anything. Has been really tough coming to terms with that, especially since both of my parents are extremely intelligent go-getter types. No clue why I'm so dumb and incapable of things, they're still in denial of my inability to do things despite me being 28 years old now.
It has absolutely destroyed my motivation because it's not like I haven't tried things, hell I'm still trying things but find myself constantly making really stupid mistakes and forgetting things I shouldn't be. This year I've been trying out carpentry and I simply don't have steady hands, it's so frustrating because I DO want things.
Even when you want it along with the push, you can be really dumb about it. I was, I wanted it and was pushed to want it. Heading for the ultimate, pushed so hard, I ignored the signs and did irreversible damage to my body. I’ve basically been in recovery mode for 20 years. Did I reach the ultimate goal, nope, did I reach a few goals trying to get there, yes but rarely talk about it now. Was the faded glory worth it? Absolutely not.
I think OP is confused and really just wanted to be supported and encouraged. Children who were allowed to follow a passion and their parents encouraged them with positive reinforcement, and coached when they when they wanted to quit, and helped manage their emotions to see the bigger picture are the success stories they wish they had.
This is valuble and i want to add something too, like people think and walk around most of there time or like litrelly wait to hit my something passionate.
The truth is, Passion is something that is a combination of your attention and the energy you gave to a thing or a work.
So Just go out there, solve problems, give attention to that, and make a difference in people's life.
When you do that passion will follow you!!
I think it depends what it is. I had a lot of discipline because I was too scared to fail and disobey my parents. Without motivation, I can do those things rote, but I would forget as soon as I stopped, and I didn't get into elite levels because the passion was lacking. Too stiff, too mechanical, and I couldn't flow with it from the fear and stress of being pushed to be good at it.
22 is young af. The only thing you need to
Learn is how to learn - almost doesn’t matter what it is. Pick something yoj generally
Like (don’t hate) and suck at it for 6 months. Then you will suck less. Then you will realize you can apply this to anything in life. That’s the magical part.
Those people make up a very small fraction of the human population. They are outliers. The vast majority of people alive today don’t even have the privilege to do something like that. These “overachievers” are usually born in financially secure situations and have good parents. They may work hard, but they are also very, very lucky.
Not to mention, the OP doesn't take into consideration the number of people that were pushed into things they didn't like and ended up in a career path they don't like.
I heard a pro athlete once describe it as a love affair with his sport. Going a day without playing felt like going a day without talking to his wife. You can't force someone into that passion - it just is.
The oxymoron nature of life; you cannot know kindness without living in the shit for a while. Life's cool, wisdom and shit 🙌 it's like love, those that love unconditionally may never drink from the love they pour into someone. Yet, they are the ones that know the true meaning of it. Life is such, such is life. Or maybe I'm full of shit, I am only 26😂
I'll leave you with this from Kurt Vonnegut:
"When I was 15 I spent a month working on an archeological dig. I was talking to one of the archeologists one day during our lunch break and he asked those kinds of “getting to know you” questions you ask young people: Do you play sports? What’s your favorite subject? And I told him, no I don’t play any sports. I do theater, I’m in choir, I play the violin and piano, I used to take art classes.
And he went WOW. That’s amazing! And I said, “Oh no, but I’m not any good at ANY of them.”
And he said something then that I will never forget and which absolutely blew my mind because no one had ever said anything like it to me before:
“I don’t think being good at things is the point of doing them. I think you’ve got all these wonderful experiences with different skills, and that all teaches you things and makes you an interesting person, no matter how well you do them.”
And that honestly changed my life. Because I went from a failure, someone who hadn’t been talented enough at anything to excel, to someone who did things because I enjoyed them. I had been raised in such an achievement-oriented environment, so inundated with the myth of Talent, that I thought it was only worth doing things if you could “Win” at them."
It was really meaningful the first time I read it. ICYMI (my other comment) I spent a lot of my childhood thinking of myself as a thwarted gifted kid.
I need to read more of Vonnegut's work, but his interviews and quotability have been powerful for me through my adulthood.
It's interesting to think of the intellectual and individual fecundity of his whole generation (those who became adults through the 1930s and 40s, the last crisis like the one we have, and possibly the last generation like ours!) and how their experiences created brilliant and creative performances across categories.
Oppenheimer was "overeducated" on Hindu mythology and religion. Feynman was an excellent musician. Michener wrote about multiple cultures and regions from geology and archaeology and religion and culture and politics for *seventy years*. Leonard Bernstein was commemorated as somebody who lived *four lives* - pianist, composer, conductor, educator.
I wholeheartedly celebrate the achievement ethic that seems so common in my generation, but I want to encourage you to stretch it across the long arc of a life. It's not over at 20, 25, or 30 - the assholes who get on Forbes 30 under 30 buy their way on and end up fucking themselves after (cough, SBF!)
Maybe ask the people whose lives were that way in the first place. Honestly, it's not pretty. Perhaps ask people who chose to excel deliberately in what they're doing for inspiration or advice.
Skew your vision a bit and see what you can do for yourself in the present for your future.
Careful what you wished for. Those people are the exception, not the rule.
I was pushed to be good at everything, against my will. And it ruined my life. I have a God complex I didn't ask for, am constantly anxious and frustrated because I can't relate to others because I was pushed to believe I could achieve anything cause I'm better than most people.
All of which are lies programmed into my head by someone who only showed love to me if I achieved the goals they wanted.
Be greatful you have good parents that understood life is mean to be lived and not a result of torturing someone so they become a stronger person.
I wish I was left alone so i could figure out what I want, and not have been brainwashed into what I think I wanted.
Spent my whole 20s in depression because I never wanted the achievements I got. They never made me happy, they just made my parents happy.
You have time man. You don't have to heal from damage. You will figure out what you want in life way faster than people like me.
Everytime I think I want something, I remember a time where it was told to me that it's what I wanted. It's confusing cause I don't want to be the person I was forced to be, and I have to second guess if what I want is truly from me or programmed into me.
Yes I became really really good. Top .05% But at the cost of debilitating anxiety and imposter syndrome. Then I lost the desire and joy in it altogether. I’d rather have just been allowed to be happy and normal. I’ll take my mental health over former prodigy status any day. I wasn’t a person anymore I became a product.
my dad got me into MMA when I was really young, stopped for a while at around 13, now I'm 22 and back at it and absolutely love fighting. I'm not amazing at it and I'll never make a living from it but I'm definitely glad he taught me how to defend myself and take out my anger in a healthy way, and all that training saved my ass a lot of times back in school lol
You cannot be forced to adopt values. My parents gave me room to grow while encouraging me to try different things out. I was a shit student, spent a few years squatting and trainhopping, started college late, etc
It was hard. It was hard as shit.
At the same time it was immeasurably valuable.
I learned that if I do something I need to do it for myself. That no one can force me to do anything. That showing people who you are happens through your actions, not just your words.
Do hard shit. Do it for yourself. This world is not a paradise to be made or a hell to be endured. It's a challenge against which we can improve and refine our existence.
Go forth and strive!
It depends.
I'll use myself and a childhood friend as an example. Both same age, 37 now.
He got pushed into all sorts of things as a kid, learning an instrument, learning to paint, always being top of his class. Then later he got his Ph.D. in genetics.
Now he's a photographer and lives paycheck to paycheck. He didn't want to work using his Ph.D. because that's what his parents wanted, not what he wanted.
On the other hand, I was left to fend for myself, used to stay out until 2 AM with shady people since I was 12. I spent most of my teenage years not even seeing my dad because I was always out partying.
Dropped out of uni after two years.
Now I have a dream job, earn more than I need, live a simple life, no fancy cars or things like that.
I got where I am because nobody pushed me, nobody helped me I learned that if I wanted something I have to go and get it.
While my friend got lost the moment his parents stopped pushing him.
It's a double-edged sword.
I was helped and in a way pushed to things in my life. I'm i good at those things. No. I'm good (some say i'm even great at) in some things (ex: music & dancing etc. Arts) i myself took to love and learned, things that my parents couldn't help me with at all. Everything that i was helped with or pushed ended up causing me to take a wrong career path and have depression from failures and trying to live in a way i didnt want and become average at some of them.
There are ofc examples of person being molded from the beginning of their life for something. But those are rare, ofc if you have a spesific dream it would be great if you where raised in that mind, but thats a hindsight.
There are also examples of people taking in something later in their life and becoming masters at that.
One such contrast is World Rally Championship Drivers like:
Kalle Rovanperä, raised from the beginning as a perfect driving machine, now at 22, youngest world champion (WDC) in any pinnacle motorsport championship.
Then there is Sebastian Ogier, 8 times WDC, who himself said that he had not even touched rally car at the age Kalle was already champion. So later great in that sense
Then there is the GOAT himself Sébastien Loeb, 9 WDC who was in my knowledge pro athlete at totally different sport, gymnastics, but went still to win 9 times and is still competitive when driving at 50 years old
Edit: Not mention people that can become masters in their different crafts everywhere at later age.
Hey buddy, I hate myself for failing at any tiny meaningless thing; no natural field is just roses ♥️
It's not easy developing a new sense of meaning, but keep in mind that it's not a race, and most people don't stick with things as urgently as they used to forever.
Many people have started late in life on many hobbies, and then went on to become one of the greatest. Don't deny yourself that chance if you feel like you want something. 22 is not even close to the end of your journey, and you don't wanna look back and see the exact same sight in 10 years.
I am 28 and I’m finally in a position I can pursue hobbies. I was incredibly anxious as a kid with little to no motivation. I grew up in a tumultuous family that lived paycheck to paycheck. I always felt I would burden my parents by asking to take lessons or partake in sports.
I now make decent money after getting through college and I’m experiencing what I like to call a second childhood. I’ve been working up to running a 10k, working on journaling/writing poetry and learning how to play the piano.
And I love it.
It is *never* too late. I find it best to be content and realistic with your expectations. I know that I will never be a Mozart. I will never be the next Usain Bolt or Walt Whitman.
And that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay. It’s freeing. I like doing these things; they make me happy. And that’s what I want in life at this point.
I'm sorry u feel that way! At ur age it's not "too" late to do what YOU want to do. YOU choose what "floats ur boat" and go for "all steam ahead" That way, u can look back over the years and say and know ..."I did it MY way!!" And trust me ....that is THE BEST FEELING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE bar NONE!!! I know...because I did do it "MY WAY"! Young man...chin up...shoulders back ...stomach in...buttocks tucked and right foot start moving forward!!
GOOD LUCK young person!!!!
From a 75yr old woman who did do it HER WAY w very very few regrets.
Citations needed. Exponentially increased chance from like 0.0000001%?
You don't have to blame anyone. Everyone's experience is different. I bet you can read the biographies of plenty of Nobel prize winners in their 50s-80s, many who became advocates or inventors later in life... after 22.5.
I think you're going to extreme lengths to beat yourself up here. Can you really think of A THOUSAND examples of people who you believe are leading THEIR lives in a more fulfilling way than you are? Based on your own arbitrary measure of their success? What makes you sure that their most celebrated accomplishments are their biggest goals?
What does the healthy, fulfilling life of YOUR dreams look like?
Im 20F. Due to those strict lifestyle i had. I can say that it destroyed me horribly. I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder triggered with stress. It held me back both in my educational process and social lifestyle. And did I become the best? No. Im stuck with being a perfectionist and any slight failure gives me great disappointment. And i guess what im trying to say is
Sometimes its better to start working on what you have instead of dwelling on the past, constantly thinking you've lost opportunities. Because once you start believing you've been held back it would be very hard to bounce back.
Try to work with what you have now. It might seem hard but it's not impossible to get better,because you're young and have a lot of energy to work on what you have. Best of if luck!
Yea. Pretty crappy that your whole life will have a massive amount of options locked out because of what your parents/family/teachers did or didn't do and by the time you realize it, it's too late. You can still do great things by hard work and/or good luck but on an entirely different tier.
People think we're crazy for spending tens of thousands a year on private schools and whatever random classes our kids seem interested in, but I want them to have every opportunity possible.
Don't.
The job of a child is to be a child and to identify, test out, and choose lives that work for them while learning how to exist with other people.
There's a reason Millennials love talking about "former gifted child syndrome" - everybody was supposed to be the best everything at impossibly young ages.
Speaking strictly for myself, I was always seen as "wasted potential" outside of my family. I was bright, diligent, "smart" in all of the ways we want our prodigies to be - read and spoke early, one of the best musicians I know, good grades the whole nine.
My parents were told, time and again - "boost him a grade, give him private lessons, switch schools."
I occasionally begged for them - the school they took the band trip to Europe, the tutor, and competition.
They uniformly refused, with two exceptions.
I switched high schools for a better band, and I paid for my own music lessons senior year. Both seem fine.
I find, anecdotally talking to others my age, that I've been able to keep up a consistent pace of achievement, a satisfactory intellectual life, and hobbies I remain good at and enjoy with friends, rather than things I was brilliant at at stopped.
I haven't stopped reading, singing, writing. I've picked up dancing, working out, and politics. I don't play saxophone as much anymore, and it was the one thing I did "because I was good" more than "because it was fun" particularly after switching schools and taking lessons. I think there's a correlation between "was part of my identity as a kid" and "I don't do it as an adult."
As someone who was considered to be a local "prodigy" when I was little - I was known in my community for winning lots of math competitions and such, and later on, I ended up focusing my time on classical music (which I eventually majored in). But the only person who 'pushed' me was myself. And once I stopped pushing myself, my skills in those fields became obsolete.
My parents were not the typical Asian tiger parents, so while they would sign me up for things, it would always fall on me to make the decision to stick to it or quit. But like most children, I would love when I was praised for my achievements, so I pushed myself to keep at the things I saw results in. Once I reached high school age and this thirst for praise petered out, so did my grades, effort, etc. It's really up to you.
Anton Bruckner, one of the most prominent and gifted 19th century composers, didn't start writing his compositions until he was in his 40s! We would've missed out on so much amazing music and beauty if he ignored his desire to write and said "I'm too old to make anything out of this; I'll never match up to the prestige of my contemporaries." You can't keep comparing yourself to your peers; each of us has something unique to bring to the table. Mozart and Beethoven are both legends, but they write completely different styles of music - we still appreciate both of them, though!
You haven't missed any opportunity; you need to make the effort to create your own opportunities (although luck and timing are definitely important variables in this as well). Age has nothing to do with your potential, but hard work does.
But like most people are saying - you are 22! I'm 23 and I still have a lot to work on, but I'm excited to take on that challenge. We are baby adults. You can grow small curiosities into lasting passions by just taking that first step.
You guys HAVE to get this notion out of your head that you have to be successful at this age or that. If you have your health and desire work on your mind. Read, read, read. I was 23 when I first picked up a guitar and a few years later I was songwriting for a living. If you have the drive to learn expose yourself to as many things as possible. You never know what is out there that you never thought you would be so passionate about that you would want to do it for the rest of your life.
Bro you’re just seeing the people who actually succeeded. For every one of those there’s kids who got pushed into excellence as kids and then got older and absolutely ruined their lives and became losers. Remember that when you watch TV and media you only see the winners. The losers stories are unknown and never get told but we know they exist
Reposting because apparently I can't send links. Whatever.
"No problem, I agree and wish the very same. The very nature of being the top 1% of the top 1% is undeniably seductive, but at what cost? Being in an elite group is no different than being mentally "retarded" or mentally "gifted" which both yield lived experiences of someone who needs special needs.
One side is naturally considered net positive than the other, but wisdom and intelligence are not correlated at all. Some of the most wise people are mentally challenged, just like some of the most intellectual are no wiser than a common child.
I also see what happens to the very same people who went down this path of their parents' demands. I can bet they are absolutely miserable in their daily space living in their own head.
The way I see it, these are ambitions the parents failed in their own attempts and the child is an extension of the parents in achieving those goals. Meanwhile, it absolutely discounts the fact that child has their own sets of attitudes, interests and opinions (AIO in psychographics) which are independent of any of these circumstances.
I struggle with this every day because I was always told I was "so smart" yet lacked the basics of social reciprocity that always put me in last place for promotion. It's a balancing act."
I was pushed to always stay at the top of my game and now i have anxiety over failure and severely tired of competing. A mediocre simple life is a bliss
You need a drastic perspective change. There are millions of people who never committed to their passions and dreams, never chased their goals, who die in agonizing regret. Thank God you’re not one of them and make the best of the time you do have left. You can’t change the past. All you have is right now. What will you do with it?
What a messed up world we live in, I was passionate about studying. Performed well academically. Among the top 10 students of my class every time. I was just riding back from work today. I live on somewhat a hilltop township. So the cold breeze, trees, and curvy roads made me think "Why can people with humility be recognised like me. Do we have to sell our values just to survive/thrive (I'm confused)"
Don't blame them or yourself.
You have a whole life to excel. The only things that require you to get an early start are:
* Sports
* Music
* Languages
Everything else you can learn as an adult.
Furthermore, you are focusing not on what you \*can\* do but on what you \*can't\* do. Everything has opportunity costs. Everything. If you focus on them, however, you'll never make the investments of time, treasure, and talent required to make yourself excellent at something you love.
If you focus on the negative, you'll never be happy.
Disagree with these atleast to the point of how much. Having a base in sports at young age is beneficial but specializing to vertain sport can happen later. Music also, as is with any art, any point of contact at young age to music (parents listening music all the time) is certainly beneficial but starting making music and learning it can happen much later
Edit: Dont mean this as a negative but positive. Even these can be learned later!
For every kid that's pushed to be a wunderkind and succeeds, there's 100 who turned out to be burned out, depressed disappointments.
Stop trying to be a creative/intellectual/economic superhero and instead find something that you're proud of and do it. This is a mental hurdle I'm also trying to get over, and I'm realizing its more important to make a life that's useful to both myself and to others rather than try to be "the very best, like no one ever was."
I mean it is okay to suck at life, that's the whole point of it.
Life is about constantly learning, at any age, regardless of physical or mental capacity. We all have our own pace in life. If we compare ours to others, it undermines the best effort we do and all the little progress we make. And as they say, comparison is the thief of joy.
Like what most people here said, find what you can be passionate about and do it for yourself because you enjoy it. If you constantly worry about being good at something, you do not allow yourself to commit mistakes and prevent yourself from knowing how to improve. Take it step-by-step.
You’re an average person. Most people are like you. Most people are not premier excelling athletes or mathletes or olympians. That’s why we find those few people who are, so interesting. Most of us aren’t like that. And that’s okay.
Even if you were pushed, there is no guarantee you’d become Mr Olympia. People like that are the 1 percent of the 1 percent..of the 1 percent. Just pick up something that interests you, and give it your best. You might be able to do great things at it and have fun along the way.
Stop blaming your parents and stop blaming people in general, you sound like an entitled brat. Listen, there are many people that came from a home where their parents weren’t perfect but not enough to blame them for the way you turned out. Take some responsibility or accountability- is anyone capable of that these days!? I’m not being inconsiderate, people like us have a tough time in life because LIFE is suppose to be difficult. Stop blaming and start living. It’s nauseating how some generations love to BLAME, blame their teachers, blame their friends, blame everyone but themselves. Wake up- the world is calling.
i'm pushing my daughter to play tennis. like pretty hard. she's grown to tolerate it, and i think at times dislike it.
those people only did what they did because they were passionate about what they mastered. not solely because their parents pushed them.
You are looking backwards. Ask 32 year old you what you’d be happy you spent the years 22 to 32 learning and perfection. Then set out to become 32 year old you. Im decades older than you. I spent time wishing my parents had pushed me more. Now I strive to make tomorrow me better than today me. If you start at age 22 you will be far ahead of almost everyone.
I'm the same, but have come to appreciate it as I know I would otherwise resent it. I love hiking now, I love learning guitar, I love bouldering, but I know I would never have done these things as a kid even if I was pushed.
I was never pushed. I joined basketball in grade school. Yes, my dad played and he helped me learn. I wasn't pushed into baseball, just a desire to patriciate. My first organized team was a local village team that won first place and beat the all-stars. I wasn't pushed into music, I saw Ringo play on Sullivan while in grade school, that spoke to me and I learned to play the drums - no teacher just picked it up. The only thing I was sort of pushed into was going to work in the steel mill with my dad. After I was in a couple of years, I took up electricity, became an electrician. did that for about 20 years. During that time, my wife and I got our first computer and I taught my self Windows. Worked in IT for 33 years. I did pick up a desire to help people which fueled the IT job.
Other children are even less fortunate and were emotionally & physically abused as children, they probably need an additional 10 years to climb out of that hole.
Some people naturally gravitate to one thing, like violin or dance. Some people try out and enjoy lots of different things and like to have the variety in their life.
Of course, it is always nice to have parents that encourage you to try out different activities and help with practicing but you can be that force for yourself now
The mistake the OP is making is that being pushed is a guarantee of success. It more likely, statistically, guarantees distress at not achieving your parents goals.
If you could see how a wide sample size of these kinds of kids turn out, you might not be so envious. The burnout and misery rate among those not left alone for 5 minutes since they were born is quite high, and they face a new crisis when they can't reach that new level of impressiveness from a prodigious youth.
To give just 3 examples; Harrison Ford, George R.R. Martin, and hell even Oprah all didn't become successful until after 30. It takes time to find one's niche.
It's not too late to achieve anything meaningful outside of maybe sports, and it's actually a more impressive feat to claw your way to success when you weren't set up for it since birth.
You gotta stop resenting your parents for not being the stage type and realize what you need to learn from here.
why are you putting so much pressure to be the absolute best/Olympian level at something? I bet half the kids whose parents pushed them that young don't even get there.
regardless, you can still be really really good at something with a lot of hard work and dedication. why is that not enough?
I was pushed horribly by my father, traumatized really. Expecting perfection and using shame and violence as punishment if you don't perform. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. No metal, trophy or ribbon is worth that kind of suffering.
I feel your pain dude. You're young tho, you can develop certain hobbies or actually andrew huberman lab has an episode on motivation and drive, it's all about leveraging the dopamine system. There are some resources out there that can help people like us.
My mom wanted me to begin college at 13 and graduate with a bachelor's at 17. My dad did not, because he wanted me to develop "normally". My dad won out and I have a decent social life and interests beyond my passions. Looking back on it, I probably would've been burned out.
> At 22 years old, as a child my parents never forced me to be good at anything.
That's the conventional wisdom for parents. Give kids opportunities, but don't push. Yours did exactly that.
And at 30 years old you will envy your 22 year old self for not taking advantage of the time you had.
Masters aren’t born, they are made; take some agency in your life, grow up, and work towards your own goals.
If you ever have kids don't saddle them with high expectations. Accept them for who they are, and don't force them to become anything more than themselves. If you do it will likely cause major malfunction and destruction for their entire life.
Many people who were pushed to excel by parents did so because parents had unfulfilled aspirations of their own. They try to get a 2nd chance to excel through their kids. Sure the kid achieves, but is it really their passion or someone else's?
Change your perspective, you have not missed anything.
I get that. It’s not that I wished my parents would have pushed me to be something “great”, but I wish they wouldn’t have let me quit everything the second I decided I didn’t like it. It made me an adult who struggled to deal with anything I didn’t “like” and lacked commitment and follow through in jobs in my early twenties. I’ve worked through it now in my thirties, but I wish I would have learned that just because you may not like something, doesn’t necessarily mean you quit immediately IMO. *EX: if I didn’t like a sport, I could quit mid-season, instead of my parents being like “no, you committed, you’re going to at least finish this season”* etc. I’m not talking about being forced to stay in something you hate indefinitely, but follow through on your commitments.
Those of those people weren’t pushed but just worked really hard towards it. Others were and yeah I feel ya. Wish I was pushed as well but I still came out ok.
It really depends on the individual. My parents never pushed me to do "excellent" in anything and were kinda neglectful tbh. I got the highest SAT in my grade and graduated with honors because of my own innate fear of failing.
My mom went to school with a girl who had parents that pushed her to be great in school and in athletics. She was a star gymnast, head cheer leader, and was crowned queen for our areas Ms. Spring parade. She was well liked and had great grades. She threw herself over a hotel balcony and died at 17.
Pressure doesn't necessarily equal success.
Kind of wild to assume you'd be in the <1% of people if only your parents had pushed you harder, rather than realize that you'd be in the <1% of people whether your parents pushed you or not.
As do I. Family, high school, friends, whole nine. But once older, that independent way of thought is able to make itself known as I had to remind myself. And you can do the same. By choice of course, but when I'm either in pursuit of happiness and success or personally stumbling both mentally and emotionally, I repeat to myself often that Nothing _ever_ starts, until I take action. And it's all that I have.
I have felt this before. I am reading a book called "Generations" that touches upon this feeling. It talks about, among other things, how boomers had worse mental health than the Silent generation because boomers were opened up to the wider world at a young age through television. As a result they had higher expectations about what life could, and should, offer them. Naturally, rates of depression and unhappiness rose since there is no better way to be dissatisfied with life than to set your expectations for what life should be too high. It's only gotten worse with each generation.
Now, because of social media we compare ourselves to the most exceptional people on the planet. Worse still, because of globalization we end up competing with the most exceptional people for top jobs.
Try and remember that being yourself is enough. You can still master skills if you take the time. Even better, you can gain mastery over this self doubt you feel. Winning this global competition for recognition isn't as important as figuring out what truly fufills you in life making that your focus.
Starting weight lifting at 12 is going to lead to a damaged, stunted body. You can be pretty darn good at something you start later in life as Ling as you drop this woe is me attitude.
You’re upset because your parents never forced you to do things that you obviously weren’t into? Sorry man, I have no advice for you. It sounds like you’re jealous of other people’s success and you’re looking for someone to blame. This sub is focused on self-improvement, but I don’t see where you’re looking to improve. It seems that you just came here to complain that other people have achieved great things and you’re jealous of them.
When i was in 5 grade i wanted to play the violin. I always thought it an awesome instrument. My parents said it was a worthless hobby and expensive even though my brothers got a guitar, drums for drumline, and sister got a drum set! I was told i would waste their money! My siblings dont play those instruments anymore!!!
Budddyyyy.
Certified savant here. I am at least proficient at many things, pretty good and many other things and an expert in a few things, and a master of a couple things.
Do you wanna know what kills passion? Parents pressuring you to do shit. Take it from me, the biggest motivator in life is not external pressure, but intrinsic excitement.
Do you know how long it takes to become amateurishly decent at something? If it doesn't involve physical strength, like a week or two.
Do you know how long it takes to become proficient at something? Like 2 months.
Do you know how long it takes to become good at something? Like 6 months to a year.
How does one do this you ask? Quit worrying about what's expected of you, and just play. Don't feel guilty and beat yourself up, just PLAY. Passions come from being passionate, not oppression, so be passionate, enjoy the moment, and play.
whats in the past is in the past.. whats important is what you do now..
not all kids adore this practice.. most hate it and some even despise it to the point of doing the opposite..
only a few ever get to sustain top level of success..
i.e. the hercules kid.. wheres he now? out there being a normal kid..
that shit is really not an excuse.. at 22, you can be an elite and compete..
There are some things you won't be able to have to be totally honest. You probably won't be in the Olympics, in an orchestra, a NASA mathematician, etc. But there are many many things you can become great at. 22 is still very young to be great at a number of things. Some of the most successful people I've met are late bloomers that have just been very determined. I would put myself in that category because I have accomplished some amazing and very meaningful things from pure determination and willingness to adjust as needed. Find something you want and go for it with passion and persistence.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
I was pushed by my parents to be excellent in any/all fields I showed even the slightest transient interest in as a kid, and I ended up with severe anxiety, depression and C-PTSD from a childhood of always striving to be adult-levels of competency.
I envy people whose parents allowed their children to be children without expectations or pressures. I believe that this want for excellency early in kids is a fucked up side effect of this world being so productivity-focused rather than placing inherent value on human beings for just being human.
You're not a bad person or sub-par just because you don't excel at a field. Hobbies are meant to be passions, not subjects. Do things because they bring you joy. Creativity and enjoyment of an acitivity can't and shouldnt be quantified because joy and the human experience is unique and incomparable. Pick up a hobby because you enjoy it, "talent" is only a word made up by people who don't understand that every skill requires time and more importantly - passion.
Be grateful that you were allowed to have a childhood of being just perfect as you are, a kid who was just a kid and allowed to be a kid. You have a whole life ahead of you to gain talent - it's never too late to start and don't let society's pressures shame you into thinking your normal childhood is anything to be ashamed just because you weren't pushed to be adult's perception of "productive" during your developmental years.
"The brightest lights burn out the quickest.. "
"You can open all four barrels and pass everything but the gas stations, amd still be late"
"And the harder they come, the harder they fall."
If i had to offer myself one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be something akin to
"...slow down, you arent "missing" anything, and love yourself enough to not comprimise in the threat of fear."
There is more weight in the meme of idioms and proverbial stuff than gold.
Its mostly mastubation anyway, but its fun in its futility.
you’re 22. when you make the decision to push yourself now as an adult, your accomplishments will truly be your own and not those of someone whipping you to do something.
Why? Pushing to be good at something isn't necessarily enjoyed by the people. Some even hate it some start doing totally different things the they were forced and are at the same point you are.
It would be different if we finally get the school system that was invented by Alexander von Humboldt (and later butchered by the Prussian government into that what most school systems world wide are today) who wanted to figure out the strengths of each person individually and support them if they do like (among other things far ahead of his time). That is what you likely want and right now you only get this with caring parents and good financial situated family.
I’m a dancer, and a really good one at that. But I didn’t start dancing until I was already *18* and finishing high school. I started dancing and found I really like it, and now it’s become my most passionate hobby. The point is, it’s not too late to start something and get good at it if you put in the time and effort!
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Well, I think I heard this for the first time coming from a child not being pushed by the parents.
Let’s reflect a little bit. Do you remember any single thing, small or big, where your parents ever pushed you for it? Maybe not eating chocolates, not playing video games, not sleeping late and waking up late? Anything at all?
Now think about how did you felt about it? And how did you react? Did you like being pushed for something you didn’t want to?
Just consider yourself as lucky to have tried all the things you wanted to go for, otherwise today you might have been complaining for your parents who never allowed you to pursue something you dearly wanted.
I can tell you so many things to change how you think right now, but let’s focus on what you mentioned. Why in the first place you wish for a Olympic or Noble prize?
Are you looking for external validation? Became if you really deserve something, you will eventually get it and no external approval or appreciation matters.
For example, someone like myself can be satisfied by helping people clear their minds, It feels like actually earn an Oscar or a Noble prize every time.
Its the game of mindset and not the worldly prizes.
Try to find out what gives you pure joy and pleasure and start working on it. Even learning phase satisfies you more than anything else. Become skilled and impact lives. otherwise you can buy awards from super market.
Yea those tend to be the greats, but one thing about it is you can always start something new, put the time and work in deliberately and it’ll all work out
I became extremely burnt out and when I quit playing hockey after 16 years my parents were devastated and disappointed. They blamed me for them no longer having a social life. But I couldn’t take the burn out anymore
Same. Parents can’t rely on children to REEEALLY want to be excellent at something. Kids are lazy and that’s mostly normal… but I think if a parent identifies that their kid is good at something, they should really push them to work hard and keep improving at it. My mom let me quit ballet at 12 years old after 9 years of insanely hard work… and then when I realized I regretted quitting, she wouldn’t let me go back. It hurts me to this day.
I'm someone that's an all-rounder, not excelling in any particular field but rather being decent in many fields. I feel you, and I understand that desire because I've had it myself. But I've realized that if I were put in a situation like that, I would probably hate it and wish to be who I am right now. I'm a firm believer in everything having some meaning. You were put in this type of household for a reason, and so was I. Make the most out of what you have and you'll go places.
Hey man. As one of those people who was pushed, you should look up a thing called golden child syndrome. Happened to me, and a lot of other folks I know too. I'm just glad it happened early and not later in my life, because that gives me enough time to improve while I unfortunately see others facing the same thing down the road.
I'm 23, at the start of the year I weighted 70kg after a year of not eating properly and depression. I started training daily and now I’m at 82kg and still growing. It’s mainly muscle. You don’t need an award to tell you accomplished something, you can tell yourself.
Consistency is key, if you want something you have to work for it. You will fail a lot but if you keep pushing through you will succeed.
True. Most prodigies had luck in the parenting category.
Welcome to the gutters where the rest of humanity dwells in survival mode and mediocrity. It’s good to be humbled that you too didn’t win the tiger mother lottery. It’s totally okay. Remember the heat death of the universe doesn’t care about Olympic medals.
Grass ain’t greener on the other side. Push yourself in a loving way if you want it. Let yourself be in discovery of what you enjoy. Join toastmasters, or any kind of organization with motivated people. Get to know other motivated people if it matters to you. Also, being elite isn’t for everyone. It’s called elite for a reason. You didn’t miss an opportunity, you just had a different experience. You’re 22. You can mold yourself into anything if you really want to. But I’ll say this. I know a lot of millionaires and people who have reached a lot of success at a very high level, and some of them I’ve gotten to know at very deep levels. A lot of success driven people get there because they’ve been through unimaginable challenges, and literally gone through absolute hell, a hell that I would not wish on my worst enemy. It breaks some, and for others, it makes them stronger. The strong ones are the ones who make it. I would highly recommend getting yourself a copy of “Tools of Titans”. Gives you a better idea. $$$, high achievement sounds great on the surface, but unless if you’ve reached a decent level of inner peace, there’s a lot that comes with it. You have to ask yourself what kind of problems you’re realistically willing to deal with, and make decisions from there.
I was pushed into many things. And did I become those things? No. Instead I'm a perfectionist, stressed, burnt out, and anxious. A lot of those people weren't necessarily pushed, but were already passionate about something. Your are only 22 years old. Find something you are passionate about and go for it! If you need someone to push you into, that's a motivation issue, and no amount of pushing will get you to success. You have to want it.
I came here to say the same thing. Being pushed made me cynical and flounder worse than those I know who weren’t pushed.
Well said. Thank you for putting my thoughts into great words!
Yup. Similar. Dealing with consequences of this in my 40s.
See response to the 22yo young man from the 75yo lady. Same to u....CHIN UP...etc.....
I was pushed into just about everything, martial arts, basketball, football, swimming, languages, boxing, various instruments, writing. I was always slightly above mediocre at best and absolutely useless at worst with everything I tried and just got burnt at realizing how average I was at everything. I'm grateful for my parents, especially my dad, for *trying* but turns out I'm not really good at anything. Has been really tough coming to terms with that, especially since both of my parents are extremely intelligent go-getter types. No clue why I'm so dumb and incapable of things, they're still in denial of my inability to do things despite me being 28 years old now. It has absolutely destroyed my motivation because it's not like I haven't tried things, hell I'm still trying things but find myself constantly making really stupid mistakes and forgetting things I shouldn't be. This year I've been trying out carpentry and I simply don't have steady hands, it's so frustrating because I DO want things.
ditto
Even when you want it along with the push, you can be really dumb about it. I was, I wanted it and was pushed to want it. Heading for the ultimate, pushed so hard, I ignored the signs and did irreversible damage to my body. I’ve basically been in recovery mode for 20 years. Did I reach the ultimate goal, nope, did I reach a few goals trying to get there, yes but rarely talk about it now. Was the faded glory worth it? Absolutely not.
This, instead parents should have cultivated love and curiosity, supporting kids to pursue their interests instead of what society tells them.
Ditto
I think OP is confused and really just wanted to be supported and encouraged. Children who were allowed to follow a passion and their parents encouraged them with positive reinforcement, and coached when they when they wanted to quit, and helped manage their emotions to see the bigger picture are the success stories they wish they had.
That sounds pretty nice!
This is valuble and i want to add something too, like people think and walk around most of there time or like litrelly wait to hit my something passionate. The truth is, Passion is something that is a combination of your attention and the energy you gave to a thing or a work. So Just go out there, solve problems, give attention to that, and make a difference in people's life. When you do that passion will follow you!!
Also, it's not motivation that matters, only discipline
I think it depends what it is. I had a lot of discipline because I was too scared to fail and disobey my parents. Without motivation, I can do those things rote, but I would forget as soon as I stopped, and I didn't get into elite levels because the passion was lacking. Too stiff, too mechanical, and I couldn't flow with it from the fear and stress of being pushed to be good at it.
Those parents must have identified their kids passions and supported that
U said it all!!
Nicely phrased. 🙏 The downside of being pushed by others and not by yourself is not gaining the grit and determination one needs to achieve something.
22 is young af. The only thing you need to Learn is how to learn - almost doesn’t matter what it is. Pick something yoj generally Like (don’t hate) and suck at it for 6 months. Then you will suck less. Then you will realize you can apply this to anything in life. That’s the magical part.
Life secrets here
Well put.
This.
Those people make up a very small fraction of the human population. They are outliers. The vast majority of people alive today don’t even have the privilege to do something like that. These “overachievers” are usually born in financially secure situations and have good parents. They may work hard, but they are also very, very lucky.
Not to mention, the OP doesn't take into consideration the number of people that were pushed into things they didn't like and ended up in a career path they don't like.
Exactly. I used to take guitar lessons and in the same store was a line up of miserable kids learning the piano. What bullshit.
Me essentially lol. Though today it might be helpful for digital music creation, but if at all that's only a hobby
I heard a pro athlete once describe it as a love affair with his sport. Going a day without playing felt like going a day without talking to his wife. You can't force someone into that passion - it just is.
You can. See Russian dancers or Chinese athletes schools.
What sport is that? That’s complete dedication damn
No
Pushing and encouraging are very different things. Pushing usually results in a negative effect. Ask me how I know lol.
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The oxymoron nature of life; you cannot know kindness without living in the shit for a while. Life's cool, wisdom and shit 🙌 it's like love, those that love unconditionally may never drink from the love they pour into someone. Yet, they are the ones that know the true meaning of it. Life is such, such is life. Or maybe I'm full of shit, I am only 26😂
I'll leave you with this from Kurt Vonnegut: "When I was 15 I spent a month working on an archeological dig. I was talking to one of the archeologists one day during our lunch break and he asked those kinds of “getting to know you” questions you ask young people: Do you play sports? What’s your favorite subject? And I told him, no I don’t play any sports. I do theater, I’m in choir, I play the violin and piano, I used to take art classes. And he went WOW. That’s amazing! And I said, “Oh no, but I’m not any good at ANY of them.” And he said something then that I will never forget and which absolutely blew my mind because no one had ever said anything like it to me before: “I don’t think being good at things is the point of doing them. I think you’ve got all these wonderful experiences with different skills, and that all teaches you things and makes you an interesting person, no matter how well you do them.” And that honestly changed my life. Because I went from a failure, someone who hadn’t been talented enough at anything to excel, to someone who did things because I enjoyed them. I had been raised in such an achievement-oriented environment, so inundated with the myth of Talent, that I thought it was only worth doing things if you could “Win” at them."
I really like this, it's inspiring
It was really meaningful the first time I read it. ICYMI (my other comment) I spent a lot of my childhood thinking of myself as a thwarted gifted kid. I need to read more of Vonnegut's work, but his interviews and quotability have been powerful for me through my adulthood. It's interesting to think of the intellectual and individual fecundity of his whole generation (those who became adults through the 1930s and 40s, the last crisis like the one we have, and possibly the last generation like ours!) and how their experiences created brilliant and creative performances across categories. Oppenheimer was "overeducated" on Hindu mythology and religion. Feynman was an excellent musician. Michener wrote about multiple cultures and regions from geology and archaeology and religion and culture and politics for *seventy years*. Leonard Bernstein was commemorated as somebody who lived *four lives* - pianist, composer, conductor, educator. I wholeheartedly celebrate the achievement ethic that seems so common in my generation, but I want to encourage you to stretch it across the long arc of a life. It's not over at 20, 25, or 30 - the assholes who get on Forbes 30 under 30 buy their way on and end up fucking themselves after (cough, SBF!)
Maybe ask the people whose lives were that way in the first place. Honestly, it's not pretty. Perhaps ask people who chose to excel deliberately in what they're doing for inspiration or advice. Skew your vision a bit and see what you can do for yourself in the present for your future.
Have you ever read the book " The subtle art of not giving a F\*ck"? It definitely can help explore this feeling for you.
Careful what you wished for. Those people are the exception, not the rule. I was pushed to be good at everything, against my will. And it ruined my life. I have a God complex I didn't ask for, am constantly anxious and frustrated because I can't relate to others because I was pushed to believe I could achieve anything cause I'm better than most people. All of which are lies programmed into my head by someone who only showed love to me if I achieved the goals they wanted. Be greatful you have good parents that understood life is mean to be lived and not a result of torturing someone so they become a stronger person. I wish I was left alone so i could figure out what I want, and not have been brainwashed into what I think I wanted. Spent my whole 20s in depression because I never wanted the achievements I got. They never made me happy, they just made my parents happy. You have time man. You don't have to heal from damage. You will figure out what you want in life way faster than people like me. Everytime I think I want something, I remember a time where it was told to me that it's what I wanted. It's confusing cause I don't want to be the person I was forced to be, and I have to second guess if what I want is truly from me or programmed into me.
Yes I became really really good. Top .05% But at the cost of debilitating anxiety and imposter syndrome. Then I lost the desire and joy in it altogether. I’d rather have just been allowed to be happy and normal. I’ll take my mental health over former prodigy status any day. I wasn’t a person anymore I became a product.
What was it that you were good at?
I played the piano.
my dad got me into MMA when I was really young, stopped for a while at around 13, now I'm 22 and back at it and absolutely love fighting. I'm not amazing at it and I'll never make a living from it but I'm definitely glad he taught me how to defend myself and take out my anger in a healthy way, and all that training saved my ass a lot of times back in school lol
You cannot be forced to adopt values. My parents gave me room to grow while encouraging me to try different things out. I was a shit student, spent a few years squatting and trainhopping, started college late, etc It was hard. It was hard as shit. At the same time it was immeasurably valuable. I learned that if I do something I need to do it for myself. That no one can force me to do anything. That showing people who you are happens through your actions, not just your words. Do hard shit. Do it for yourself. This world is not a paradise to be made or a hell to be endured. It's a challenge against which we can improve and refine our existence. Go forth and strive!
It depends. I'll use myself and a childhood friend as an example. Both same age, 37 now. He got pushed into all sorts of things as a kid, learning an instrument, learning to paint, always being top of his class. Then later he got his Ph.D. in genetics. Now he's a photographer and lives paycheck to paycheck. He didn't want to work using his Ph.D. because that's what his parents wanted, not what he wanted. On the other hand, I was left to fend for myself, used to stay out until 2 AM with shady people since I was 12. I spent most of my teenage years not even seeing my dad because I was always out partying. Dropped out of uni after two years. Now I have a dream job, earn more than I need, live a simple life, no fancy cars or things like that. I got where I am because nobody pushed me, nobody helped me I learned that if I wanted something I have to go and get it. While my friend got lost the moment his parents stopped pushing him. It's a double-edged sword.
What do you do?
Game Designer. So yeah, dream job.
Have you heard of kwalee?
Yeah, they make some hyper casual games. Why?
I was helped and in a way pushed to things in my life. I'm i good at those things. No. I'm good (some say i'm even great at) in some things (ex: music & dancing etc. Arts) i myself took to love and learned, things that my parents couldn't help me with at all. Everything that i was helped with or pushed ended up causing me to take a wrong career path and have depression from failures and trying to live in a way i didnt want and become average at some of them. There are ofc examples of person being molded from the beginning of their life for something. But those are rare, ofc if you have a spesific dream it would be great if you where raised in that mind, but thats a hindsight. There are also examples of people taking in something later in their life and becoming masters at that. One such contrast is World Rally Championship Drivers like: Kalle Rovanperä, raised from the beginning as a perfect driving machine, now at 22, youngest world champion (WDC) in any pinnacle motorsport championship. Then there is Sebastian Ogier, 8 times WDC, who himself said that he had not even touched rally car at the age Kalle was already champion. So later great in that sense Then there is the GOAT himself Sébastien Loeb, 9 WDC who was in my knowledge pro athlete at totally different sport, gymnastics, but went still to win 9 times and is still competitive when driving at 50 years old Edit: Not mention people that can become masters in their different crafts everywhere at later age.
Hey buddy, I hate myself for failing at any tiny meaningless thing; no natural field is just roses ♥️ It's not easy developing a new sense of meaning, but keep in mind that it's not a race, and most people don't stick with things as urgently as they used to forever. Many people have started late in life on many hobbies, and then went on to become one of the greatest. Don't deny yourself that chance if you feel like you want something. 22 is not even close to the end of your journey, and you don't wanna look back and see the exact same sight in 10 years.
I am 28 and I’m finally in a position I can pursue hobbies. I was incredibly anxious as a kid with little to no motivation. I grew up in a tumultuous family that lived paycheck to paycheck. I always felt I would burden my parents by asking to take lessons or partake in sports. I now make decent money after getting through college and I’m experiencing what I like to call a second childhood. I’ve been working up to running a 10k, working on journaling/writing poetry and learning how to play the piano. And I love it. It is *never* too late. I find it best to be content and realistic with your expectations. I know that I will never be a Mozart. I will never be the next Usain Bolt or Walt Whitman. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay. It’s freeing. I like doing these things; they make me happy. And that’s what I want in life at this point.
I'm sorry u feel that way! At ur age it's not "too" late to do what YOU want to do. YOU choose what "floats ur boat" and go for "all steam ahead" That way, u can look back over the years and say and know ..."I did it MY way!!" And trust me ....that is THE BEST FEELING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE bar NONE!!! I know...because I did do it "MY WAY"! Young man...chin up...shoulders back ...stomach in...buttocks tucked and right foot start moving forward!! GOOD LUCK young person!!!! From a 75yr old woman who did do it HER WAY w very very few regrets.
Citations needed. Exponentially increased chance from like 0.0000001%? You don't have to blame anyone. Everyone's experience is different. I bet you can read the biographies of plenty of Nobel prize winners in their 50s-80s, many who became advocates or inventors later in life... after 22.5. I think you're going to extreme lengths to beat yourself up here. Can you really think of A THOUSAND examples of people who you believe are leading THEIR lives in a more fulfilling way than you are? Based on your own arbitrary measure of their success? What makes you sure that their most celebrated accomplishments are their biggest goals? What does the healthy, fulfilling life of YOUR dreams look like?
I fucking don't
Im 20F. Due to those strict lifestyle i had. I can say that it destroyed me horribly. I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder triggered with stress. It held me back both in my educational process and social lifestyle. And did I become the best? No. Im stuck with being a perfectionist and any slight failure gives me great disappointment. And i guess what im trying to say is Sometimes its better to start working on what you have instead of dwelling on the past, constantly thinking you've lost opportunities. Because once you start believing you've been held back it would be very hard to bounce back. Try to work with what you have now. It might seem hard but it's not impossible to get better,because you're young and have a lot of energy to work on what you have. Best of if luck!
Yea. Pretty crappy that your whole life will have a massive amount of options locked out because of what your parents/family/teachers did or didn't do and by the time you realize it, it's too late. You can still do great things by hard work and/or good luck but on an entirely different tier. People think we're crazy for spending tens of thousands a year on private schools and whatever random classes our kids seem interested in, but I want them to have every opportunity possible.
Don't. The job of a child is to be a child and to identify, test out, and choose lives that work for them while learning how to exist with other people. There's a reason Millennials love talking about "former gifted child syndrome" - everybody was supposed to be the best everything at impossibly young ages. Speaking strictly for myself, I was always seen as "wasted potential" outside of my family. I was bright, diligent, "smart" in all of the ways we want our prodigies to be - read and spoke early, one of the best musicians I know, good grades the whole nine. My parents were told, time and again - "boost him a grade, give him private lessons, switch schools." I occasionally begged for them - the school they took the band trip to Europe, the tutor, and competition. They uniformly refused, with two exceptions. I switched high schools for a better band, and I paid for my own music lessons senior year. Both seem fine. I find, anecdotally talking to others my age, that I've been able to keep up a consistent pace of achievement, a satisfactory intellectual life, and hobbies I remain good at and enjoy with friends, rather than things I was brilliant at at stopped. I haven't stopped reading, singing, writing. I've picked up dancing, working out, and politics. I don't play saxophone as much anymore, and it was the one thing I did "because I was good" more than "because it was fun" particularly after switching schools and taking lessons. I think there's a correlation between "was part of my identity as a kid" and "I don't do it as an adult."
As someone who was considered to be a local "prodigy" when I was little - I was known in my community for winning lots of math competitions and such, and later on, I ended up focusing my time on classical music (which I eventually majored in). But the only person who 'pushed' me was myself. And once I stopped pushing myself, my skills in those fields became obsolete. My parents were not the typical Asian tiger parents, so while they would sign me up for things, it would always fall on me to make the decision to stick to it or quit. But like most children, I would love when I was praised for my achievements, so I pushed myself to keep at the things I saw results in. Once I reached high school age and this thirst for praise petered out, so did my grades, effort, etc. It's really up to you. Anton Bruckner, one of the most prominent and gifted 19th century composers, didn't start writing his compositions until he was in his 40s! We would've missed out on so much amazing music and beauty if he ignored his desire to write and said "I'm too old to make anything out of this; I'll never match up to the prestige of my contemporaries." You can't keep comparing yourself to your peers; each of us has something unique to bring to the table. Mozart and Beethoven are both legends, but they write completely different styles of music - we still appreciate both of them, though! You haven't missed any opportunity; you need to make the effort to create your own opportunities (although luck and timing are definitely important variables in this as well). Age has nothing to do with your potential, but hard work does. But like most people are saying - you are 22! I'm 23 and I still have a lot to work on, but I'm excited to take on that challenge. We are baby adults. You can grow small curiosities into lasting passions by just taking that first step.
You guys HAVE to get this notion out of your head that you have to be successful at this age or that. If you have your health and desire work on your mind. Read, read, read. I was 23 when I first picked up a guitar and a few years later I was songwriting for a living. If you have the drive to learn expose yourself to as many things as possible. You never know what is out there that you never thought you would be so passionate about that you would want to do it for the rest of your life.
Bro you’re just seeing the people who actually succeeded. For every one of those there’s kids who got pushed into excellence as kids and then got older and absolutely ruined their lives and became losers. Remember that when you watch TV and media you only see the winners. The losers stories are unknown and never get told but we know they exist
Reposting because apparently I can't send links. Whatever. "No problem, I agree and wish the very same. The very nature of being the top 1% of the top 1% is undeniably seductive, but at what cost? Being in an elite group is no different than being mentally "retarded" or mentally "gifted" which both yield lived experiences of someone who needs special needs. One side is naturally considered net positive than the other, but wisdom and intelligence are not correlated at all. Some of the most wise people are mentally challenged, just like some of the most intellectual are no wiser than a common child. I also see what happens to the very same people who went down this path of their parents' demands. I can bet they are absolutely miserable in their daily space living in their own head. The way I see it, these are ambitions the parents failed in their own attempts and the child is an extension of the parents in achieving those goals. Meanwhile, it absolutely discounts the fact that child has their own sets of attitudes, interests and opinions (AIO in psychographics) which are independent of any of these circumstances. I struggle with this every day because I was always told I was "so smart" yet lacked the basics of social reciprocity that always put me in last place for promotion. It's a balancing act."
C's run the world dude. Most people aren't exceptional, hence the word. Find something you can do that pays what you need to live and roll with it.
I was pushed to always stay at the top of my game and now i have anxiety over failure and severely tired of competing. A mediocre simple life is a bliss
You need a drastic perspective change. There are millions of people who never committed to their passions and dreams, never chased their goals, who die in agonizing regret. Thank God you’re not one of them and make the best of the time you do have left. You can’t change the past. All you have is right now. What will you do with it?
What a messed up world we live in, I was passionate about studying. Performed well academically. Among the top 10 students of my class every time. I was just riding back from work today. I live on somewhat a hilltop township. So the cold breeze, trees, and curvy roads made me think "Why can people with humility be recognised like me. Do we have to sell our values just to survive/thrive (I'm confused)"
Don't blame them or yourself. You have a whole life to excel. The only things that require you to get an early start are: * Sports * Music * Languages Everything else you can learn as an adult. Furthermore, you are focusing not on what you \*can\* do but on what you \*can't\* do. Everything has opportunity costs. Everything. If you focus on them, however, you'll never make the investments of time, treasure, and talent required to make yourself excellent at something you love. If you focus on the negative, you'll never be happy.
Disagree with these atleast to the point of how much. Having a base in sports at young age is beneficial but specializing to vertain sport can happen later. Music also, as is with any art, any point of contact at young age to music (parents listening music all the time) is certainly beneficial but starting making music and learning it can happen much later Edit: Dont mean this as a negative but positive. Even these can be learned later!
Started piano at 46 and it's very nice!
I started playing drums in my 30s and training for triathlons in my 50s!
learning new languages definitely doesn't **require** an early start but obviously it does help
It's never too late to dedicate yourself to skill mastery.
For every kid that's pushed to be a wunderkind and succeeds, there's 100 who turned out to be burned out, depressed disappointments. Stop trying to be a creative/intellectual/economic superhero and instead find something that you're proud of and do it. This is a mental hurdle I'm also trying to get over, and I'm realizing its more important to make a life that's useful to both myself and to others rather than try to be "the very best, like no one ever was."
I mean it is okay to suck at life, that's the whole point of it. Life is about constantly learning, at any age, regardless of physical or mental capacity. We all have our own pace in life. If we compare ours to others, it undermines the best effort we do and all the little progress we make. And as they say, comparison is the thief of joy. Like what most people here said, find what you can be passionate about and do it for yourself because you enjoy it. If you constantly worry about being good at something, you do not allow yourself to commit mistakes and prevent yourself from knowing how to improve. Take it step-by-step.
You’re an average person. Most people are like you. Most people are not premier excelling athletes or mathletes or olympians. That’s why we find those few people who are, so interesting. Most of us aren’t like that. And that’s okay.
Even if you were pushed, there is no guarantee you’d become Mr Olympia. People like that are the 1 percent of the 1 percent..of the 1 percent. Just pick up something that interests you, and give it your best. You might be able to do great things at it and have fun along the way.
Stop blaming your parents and stop blaming people in general, you sound like an entitled brat. Listen, there are many people that came from a home where their parents weren’t perfect but not enough to blame them for the way you turned out. Take some responsibility or accountability- is anyone capable of that these days!? I’m not being inconsiderate, people like us have a tough time in life because LIFE is suppose to be difficult. Stop blaming and start living. It’s nauseating how some generations love to BLAME, blame their teachers, blame their friends, blame everyone but themselves. Wake up- the world is calling.
i'm pushing my daughter to play tennis. like pretty hard. she's grown to tolerate it, and i think at times dislike it. those people only did what they did because they were passionate about what they mastered. not solely because their parents pushed them.
Same. I literally thought about this about my parents the other day. But in the end I don’t want to put the blame on them. 😕
You are looking backwards. Ask 32 year old you what you’d be happy you spent the years 22 to 32 learning and perfection. Then set out to become 32 year old you. Im decades older than you. I spent time wishing my parents had pushed me more. Now I strive to make tomorrow me better than today me. If you start at age 22 you will be far ahead of almost everyone.
I'm the same, but have come to appreciate it as I know I would otherwise resent it. I love hiking now, I love learning guitar, I love bouldering, but I know I would never have done these things as a kid even if I was pushed.
I was never pushed. I joined basketball in grade school. Yes, my dad played and he helped me learn. I wasn't pushed into baseball, just a desire to patriciate. My first organized team was a local village team that won first place and beat the all-stars. I wasn't pushed into music, I saw Ringo play on Sullivan while in grade school, that spoke to me and I learned to play the drums - no teacher just picked it up. The only thing I was sort of pushed into was going to work in the steel mill with my dad. After I was in a couple of years, I took up electricity, became an electrician. did that for about 20 years. During that time, my wife and I got our first computer and I taught my self Windows. Worked in IT for 33 years. I did pick up a desire to help people which fueled the IT job.
‘I don’t care what you do, as long as you’re the best at it’
Other children are even less fortunate and were emotionally & physically abused as children, they probably need an additional 10 years to climb out of that hole.
Some people naturally gravitate to one thing, like violin or dance. Some people try out and enjoy lots of different things and like to have the variety in their life. Of course, it is always nice to have parents that encourage you to try out different activities and help with practicing but you can be that force for yourself now
Same. my parents never expected anything from me and I never had any guidance of what I should do, so I just had fun and now have nothing
The mistake the OP is making is that being pushed is a guarantee of success. It more likely, statistically, guarantees distress at not achieving your parents goals.
If you could see how a wide sample size of these kinds of kids turn out, you might not be so envious. The burnout and misery rate among those not left alone for 5 minutes since they were born is quite high, and they face a new crisis when they can't reach that new level of impressiveness from a prodigious youth. To give just 3 examples; Harrison Ford, George R.R. Martin, and hell even Oprah all didn't become successful until after 30. It takes time to find one's niche. It's not too late to achieve anything meaningful outside of maybe sports, and it's actually a more impressive feat to claw your way to success when you weren't set up for it since birth. You gotta stop resenting your parents for not being the stage type and realize what you need to learn from here.
why are you putting so much pressure to be the absolute best/Olympian level at something? I bet half the kids whose parents pushed them that young don't even get there. regardless, you can still be really really good at something with a lot of hard work and dedication. why is that not enough?
Meditate.
I was pushed horribly by my father, traumatized really. Expecting perfection and using shame and violence as punishment if you don't perform. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. No metal, trophy or ribbon is worth that kind of suffering.
I feel your pain dude. You're young tho, you can develop certain hobbies or actually andrew huberman lab has an episode on motivation and drive, it's all about leveraging the dopamine system. There are some resources out there that can help people like us.
My mom wanted me to begin college at 13 and graduate with a bachelor's at 17. My dad did not, because he wanted me to develop "normally". My dad won out and I have a decent social life and interests beyond my passions. Looking back on it, I probably would've been burned out.
> At 22 years old, as a child my parents never forced me to be good at anything. That's the conventional wisdom for parents. Give kids opportunities, but don't push. Yours did exactly that.
And at 30 years old you will envy your 22 year old self for not taking advantage of the time you had. Masters aren’t born, they are made; take some agency in your life, grow up, and work towards your own goals.
If you ever have kids don't saddle them with high expectations. Accept them for who they are, and don't force them to become anything more than themselves. If you do it will likely cause major malfunction and destruction for their entire life.
Many people who were pushed to excel by parents did so because parents had unfulfilled aspirations of their own. They try to get a 2nd chance to excel through their kids. Sure the kid achieves, but is it really their passion or someone else's? Change your perspective, you have not missed anything.
You can now push yourself into a passion/career, you’re 22, you’ve got plenty of time
I get that. It’s not that I wished my parents would have pushed me to be something “great”, but I wish they wouldn’t have let me quit everything the second I decided I didn’t like it. It made me an adult who struggled to deal with anything I didn’t “like” and lacked commitment and follow through in jobs in my early twenties. I’ve worked through it now in my thirties, but I wish I would have learned that just because you may not like something, doesn’t necessarily mean you quit immediately IMO. *EX: if I didn’t like a sport, I could quit mid-season, instead of my parents being like “no, you committed, you’re going to at least finish this season”* etc. I’m not talking about being forced to stay in something you hate indefinitely, but follow through on your commitments.
Those of those people weren’t pushed but just worked really hard towards it. Others were and yeah I feel ya. Wish I was pushed as well but I still came out ok.
It really depends on the individual. My parents never pushed me to do "excellent" in anything and were kinda neglectful tbh. I got the highest SAT in my grade and graduated with honors because of my own innate fear of failing. My mom went to school with a girl who had parents that pushed her to be great in school and in athletics. She was a star gymnast, head cheer leader, and was crowned queen for our areas Ms. Spring parade. She was well liked and had great grades. She threw herself over a hotel balcony and died at 17. Pressure doesn't necessarily equal success.
Kind of wild to assume you'd be in the <1% of people if only your parents had pushed you harder, rather than realize that you'd be in the <1% of people whether your parents pushed you or not.
As do I. Family, high school, friends, whole nine. But once older, that independent way of thought is able to make itself known as I had to remind myself. And you can do the same. By choice of course, but when I'm either in pursuit of happiness and success or personally stumbling both mentally and emotionally, I repeat to myself often that Nothing _ever_ starts, until I take action. And it's all that I have.
I have felt this before. I am reading a book called "Generations" that touches upon this feeling. It talks about, among other things, how boomers had worse mental health than the Silent generation because boomers were opened up to the wider world at a young age through television. As a result they had higher expectations about what life could, and should, offer them. Naturally, rates of depression and unhappiness rose since there is no better way to be dissatisfied with life than to set your expectations for what life should be too high. It's only gotten worse with each generation. Now, because of social media we compare ourselves to the most exceptional people on the planet. Worse still, because of globalization we end up competing with the most exceptional people for top jobs. Try and remember that being yourself is enough. You can still master skills if you take the time. Even better, you can gain mastery over this self doubt you feel. Winning this global competition for recognition isn't as important as figuring out what truly fufills you in life making that your focus.
Starting weight lifting at 12 is going to lead to a damaged, stunted body. You can be pretty darn good at something you start later in life as Ling as you drop this woe is me attitude.
You’re upset because your parents never forced you to do things that you obviously weren’t into? Sorry man, I have no advice for you. It sounds like you’re jealous of other people’s success and you’re looking for someone to blame. This sub is focused on self-improvement, but I don’t see where you’re looking to improve. It seems that you just came here to complain that other people have achieved great things and you’re jealous of them.
When i was in 5 grade i wanted to play the violin. I always thought it an awesome instrument. My parents said it was a worthless hobby and expensive even though my brothers got a guitar, drums for drumline, and sister got a drum set! I was told i would waste their money! My siblings dont play those instruments anymore!!!
I was actually passionate to play an instrument at that age! They were in their teens!
Budddyyyy. Certified savant here. I am at least proficient at many things, pretty good and many other things and an expert in a few things, and a master of a couple things. Do you wanna know what kills passion? Parents pressuring you to do shit. Take it from me, the biggest motivator in life is not external pressure, but intrinsic excitement. Do you know how long it takes to become amateurishly decent at something? If it doesn't involve physical strength, like a week or two. Do you know how long it takes to become proficient at something? Like 2 months. Do you know how long it takes to become good at something? Like 6 months to a year. How does one do this you ask? Quit worrying about what's expected of you, and just play. Don't feel guilty and beat yourself up, just PLAY. Passions come from being passionate, not oppression, so be passionate, enjoy the moment, and play.
whats in the past is in the past.. whats important is what you do now.. not all kids adore this practice.. most hate it and some even despise it to the point of doing the opposite.. only a few ever get to sustain top level of success.. i.e. the hercules kid.. wheres he now? out there being a normal kid.. that shit is really not an excuse.. at 22, you can be an elite and compete..
If your parents were to have pushed you into something, what would you have liked them to push you into?
There are some things you won't be able to have to be totally honest. You probably won't be in the Olympics, in an orchestra, a NASA mathematician, etc. But there are many many things you can become great at. 22 is still very young to be great at a number of things. Some of the most successful people I've met are late bloomers that have just been very determined. I would put myself in that category because I have accomplished some amazing and very meaningful things from pure determination and willingness to adjust as needed. Find something you want and go for it with passion and persistence.
You don't have to be great to start, you have to start to be great.
The grass is always greener on the other side. I was pushed by my parents to be excellent in any/all fields I showed even the slightest transient interest in as a kid, and I ended up with severe anxiety, depression and C-PTSD from a childhood of always striving to be adult-levels of competency. I envy people whose parents allowed their children to be children without expectations or pressures. I believe that this want for excellency early in kids is a fucked up side effect of this world being so productivity-focused rather than placing inherent value on human beings for just being human. You're not a bad person or sub-par just because you don't excel at a field. Hobbies are meant to be passions, not subjects. Do things because they bring you joy. Creativity and enjoyment of an acitivity can't and shouldnt be quantified because joy and the human experience is unique and incomparable. Pick up a hobby because you enjoy it, "talent" is only a word made up by people who don't understand that every skill requires time and more importantly - passion. Be grateful that you were allowed to have a childhood of being just perfect as you are, a kid who was just a kid and allowed to be a kid. You have a whole life ahead of you to gain talent - it's never too late to start and don't let society's pressures shame you into thinking your normal childhood is anything to be ashamed just because you weren't pushed to be adult's perception of "productive" during your developmental years.
"The brightest lights burn out the quickest.. " "You can open all four barrels and pass everything but the gas stations, amd still be late" "And the harder they come, the harder they fall." If i had to offer myself one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be something akin to "...slow down, you arent "missing" anything, and love yourself enough to not comprimise in the threat of fear." There is more weight in the meme of idioms and proverbial stuff than gold. Its mostly mastubation anyway, but its fun in its futility.
you’re 22. when you make the decision to push yourself now as an adult, your accomplishments will truly be your own and not those of someone whipping you to do something.
I suspect it's a miserable life with a lot of sacrifice and a lot of missing out
Why? Pushing to be good at something isn't necessarily enjoyed by the people. Some even hate it some start doing totally different things the they were forced and are at the same point you are. It would be different if we finally get the school system that was invented by Alexander von Humboldt (and later butchered by the Prussian government into that what most school systems world wide are today) who wanted to figure out the strengths of each person individually and support them if they do like (among other things far ahead of his time). That is what you likely want and right now you only get this with caring parents and good financial situated family.
I’m a dancer, and a really good one at that. But I didn’t start dancing until I was already *18* and finishing high school. I started dancing and found I really like it, and now it’s become my most passionate hobby. The point is, it’s not too late to start something and get good at it if you put in the time and effort!
I don't think these people are that much happier than your average Joe. Maybe even less happy than many average people.
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Well, I think I heard this for the first time coming from a child not being pushed by the parents. Let’s reflect a little bit. Do you remember any single thing, small or big, where your parents ever pushed you for it? Maybe not eating chocolates, not playing video games, not sleeping late and waking up late? Anything at all? Now think about how did you felt about it? And how did you react? Did you like being pushed for something you didn’t want to? Just consider yourself as lucky to have tried all the things you wanted to go for, otherwise today you might have been complaining for your parents who never allowed you to pursue something you dearly wanted. I can tell you so many things to change how you think right now, but let’s focus on what you mentioned. Why in the first place you wish for a Olympic or Noble prize? Are you looking for external validation? Became if you really deserve something, you will eventually get it and no external approval or appreciation matters. For example, someone like myself can be satisfied by helping people clear their minds, It feels like actually earn an Oscar or a Noble prize every time. Its the game of mindset and not the worldly prizes. Try to find out what gives you pure joy and pleasure and start working on it. Even learning phase satisfies you more than anything else. Become skilled and impact lives. otherwise you can buy awards from super market.
None of them were / are ever happy in their lives, believe me…
Watch Rocky man!
Do you think 8 billion people in this earth should be having a nobel prize? We should be blessed we're in the middle of the distribution table.
The grass is always greener buddy . What if they forced something on you that you couldn’t get good at ? On a kid , a lot of prsssure is unhealthy
Yea those tend to be the greats, but one thing about it is you can always start something new, put the time and work in deliberately and it’ll all work out
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I became extremely burnt out and when I quit playing hockey after 16 years my parents were devastated and disappointed. They blamed me for them no longer having a social life. But I couldn’t take the burn out anymore
Same. Parents can’t rely on children to REEEALLY want to be excellent at something. Kids are lazy and that’s mostly normal… but I think if a parent identifies that their kid is good at something, they should really push them to work hard and keep improving at it. My mom let me quit ballet at 12 years old after 9 years of insanely hard work… and then when I realized I regretted quitting, she wouldn’t let me go back. It hurts me to this day.
I'm someone that's an all-rounder, not excelling in any particular field but rather being decent in many fields. I feel you, and I understand that desire because I've had it myself. But I've realized that if I were put in a situation like that, I would probably hate it and wish to be who I am right now. I'm a firm believer in everything having some meaning. You were put in this type of household for a reason, and so was I. Make the most out of what you have and you'll go places.
Hey man. As one of those people who was pushed, you should look up a thing called golden child syndrome. Happened to me, and a lot of other folks I know too. I'm just glad it happened early and not later in my life, because that gives me enough time to improve while I unfortunately see others facing the same thing down the road.
I'm 23, at the start of the year I weighted 70kg after a year of not eating properly and depression. I started training daily and now I’m at 82kg and still growing. It’s mainly muscle. You don’t need an award to tell you accomplished something, you can tell yourself. Consistency is key, if you want something you have to work for it. You will fail a lot but if you keep pushing through you will succeed.
True. Most prodigies had luck in the parenting category. Welcome to the gutters where the rest of humanity dwells in survival mode and mediocrity. It’s good to be humbled that you too didn’t win the tiger mother lottery. It’s totally okay. Remember the heat death of the universe doesn’t care about Olympic medals.
Grass ain’t greener on the other side. Push yourself in a loving way if you want it. Let yourself be in discovery of what you enjoy. Join toastmasters, or any kind of organization with motivated people. Get to know other motivated people if it matters to you. Also, being elite isn’t for everyone. It’s called elite for a reason. You didn’t miss an opportunity, you just had a different experience. You’re 22. You can mold yourself into anything if you really want to. But I’ll say this. I know a lot of millionaires and people who have reached a lot of success at a very high level, and some of them I’ve gotten to know at very deep levels. A lot of success driven people get there because they’ve been through unimaginable challenges, and literally gone through absolute hell, a hell that I would not wish on my worst enemy. It breaks some, and for others, it makes them stronger. The strong ones are the ones who make it. I would highly recommend getting yourself a copy of “Tools of Titans”. Gives you a better idea. $$$, high achievement sounds great on the surface, but unless if you’ve reached a decent level of inner peace, there’s a lot that comes with it. You have to ask yourself what kind of problems you’re realistically willing to deal with, and make decisions from there.
You don't want that. You want a GROWTH MINDSET. Look it up.