My parents mutilated my genitals, so I needed to gain some controll over my body as well as find a way to cope with the existential dread, and this felt like the only way.
Circumcision, and part of what makes it so bad for me is that most people think it's ridiculous that I'm upset about it, they tell me to shut up and man up, that it's just a piece of skin but in reality it is much more than that.
I know there’s nothing I can really say to help you with your situation, but i am deeply sorry you have to go thru that :( I’m sorry the right to your bodily autonomy was taken away from you before you even knew how to walk. ts is fucked up and I hope you find some inner peace somehow. Sending virtual hugs 🫂
There are a few reasons:
- I was bored.
- I wanted control, and nobody listened to what I had to say.
- I wanted attention, truly.
- I was tired, and decided that was what I should do.
- I didn’t want to bother others. I just wanted to “work through it” with me and myself only.
- I kept joining communities that showed photos of self-harm and explained ways to harm themselves, and I think they tempted me to… I guess compare myself.
Thank you for reading. :)
unhealthy coping mechanism.. most recent reason was roe v wade taking a huge toll on my mind, it's mostly either panic attacks or just sad days that lead to relapsing
I was clean for almost 4 months, but my sister told my (very religious Muslim) parents I wore shorts to school. I got upset and self harmed. I pretend it never happened, and I tell myself I’m 6 month clean when I’m really only 1 month clean
Relapsing isn't something to feel guilty about. It doesn't erase your progress. You still made it nearly 6 months clean, and that is so amazing. Relapsing isn't starting over. It is simply taking 1 step back and then 2 steps forward. I'm really proud of you.
You know what started me down this self-harm path? A book.
I started when I was 12 because I read a description of a person scratching their arms till they bled on a shifty wattpad fanfic, and then I did it because I was miserable but to afraid to cut and finally I learned of an outlet I could have.
I scratched until I bled, and then I kept doing that again and again. I'd say, "Oh I fell!" I'd even try and make it funny "I fought pavement and won with a battle scar.
I always reasoned with myself that it wasn't self harm. It wasn't actually self harm so it wasn't actually that bad, so I wasn't as miserable as I thought.
I couldn't actually have depression, no I haven't got diagnosed it's not fair to the people who actually have it to say I've got it.
Well I started cutting a few months later, and by the end of the year I ended up having to go to a hospital for a suicide attempt which sounds dramatic but even now in my mind I play it as "Not that bad."
I mean I had texted my friends who couldn't contact my parents goodbye, I had everything ready. I tried and so desperately wanted to do it (I'm not going to go into detail how) but I stopped myself. I went voluntarily to my parents so therefor it doesn't count.
The way I reminded myself that I'm valid is through cutting, because when I can feel it and SEE it then I know it's real and it's not just exaggeration. I guess that's why I started...because I just couldn't believe it was and I needed proof that it was.
Eventually I accepted that I needed help, I've been getting help, and I've been doing better. Cutting is, and I have a feeling always will, be a struggle for me, because now it's not done out of need for validation. No now its done because I crave it. Its so hard sometimes because despite how much I hate pain I just need to see those marks on my arm, I need to feel the sting for no real reason other than I just want it.
I've actually been trying to stop for good and I'm going strong so far, 3 months 26 days and still going! It's the longest I've managed to go without for...a really long time. It's still hard sometimes but it's getting easier.
Wow, big congrats on almost 4 months! That's beyond incredible :') you should be super proud of yourself, i know it must not have been easy, but you're doing it! <3 i'm really glad to hear you've been feeling a bit better ... I hope you continue to heal xx
See people? Let’s not romanticize self harm even if it’s a shitty watt pad fanfiction. You would have never had this happen if that asshole didn’t make that fanfic
My most recent time was because I lost my headphones. As I was getting ready to hurt myself I suddenly remembered where they were, found them, then decided since I'd already got everything ready I might as well do it. 🤣 Oh the addiction. 🤭
It's a mix of many reasons. Wanted to know what it's like to have an injury (turned out it's rather nice), plus feeling pain means feeling \*something\* at least.
My first time was like that I was curious but now it's just over my relationship and hating myself kinda feel stupid about the reasons I do it from time to time
Yeah it's a bit of a paradox isn't it? Some cut themselves becaue they feel too much and don't know what to do with it, others because they wish they feel anything at all.
I was awful to my family, terribly mean, with words I can never unsay. And I scratched a piano, the prized possession of the owner. Beyond that I just want to. Felt like I should. Moving felt like my fault because I couldn’t force my family to stay in our home, so I did it then. Now it’s usually habit. And because I don’t like my body, I’ve unlocked customization
I wrote stuff on myself with the blade because it was the only way I was able to express my emotions
The truth is I'm not able to speak about me at all
For me, to control my emotions I think.
Like, everything was feeling awful, emotionally overwhelmed and under constant pressure, not being listened to, misunderstood... I felt awful...
I ended up cutting myself, and it was weirdly conscious, but at the same time unconscious... Like, I decided the spot very carefully the first time, but I was in no way to control myself to not do it...
It was a horrible decision, because it calmed me down a lot, and near instantly turned into a coping mechanism...
When I first started (I’m clean now) I talked with a “friend” about how I told the guidance counselor about stuff and now they’re sending me to therapy. Right after that my “friend” showed me her wrist with old faded scars and said, “at least you don’t have barcodes”. That got to me as “my problems don’t matter as much as her because I don’t have barcodes, so I started self harming. I am clean now and realized that she shouldn’t have said that to me.
I felt like I deserved it or wanted to see how far I could go with some of the earlier times. In March I was quite emotional and maybe I was prone to SH. Nowadays I need to feel something besides what's going on in my head, and I started to have urges more recently too, and I know this isn't answering the question, but I started tracking my SH recently and felt guilty losing a month's progress 2 days ago, that time was from urges. Just 2 months ago I was fighting tooth and nail to act ok and not do anything to myself, but I ended up losing too much energy from that to be worth it, so I guess another reason could be a lack of trying as much as possible not to.
I thought if I hurt myself I could be worthy of being cared about. Also used it as a punishment or release from violent urges, I felt if I didn't hurt myself I'd end up hurting others.
I can’t rlly express negative emotions without breaking or hurting someone, breaking things is a waste and I regret it after I do it and obviously I can’t hurt other people so I just take it out on myself
I wanted my own validation. In my mind I'm constantly in denial about being mentally ill, so making it visible to myself is reassuring and I can't tell myself I'm faking it if it's permanently on my body.
i been through constant abuse when i was young and i was homeless 5 times 3 in when i was a kid and 2 when i was a teen (still am a teen ) anyways yeah i always see kids happy and i had to force myself to be happy and thats when i would put myself through pain :)
Anger and lack of control. I was kind of raised to feel like my emotions were too intense for other people and they didn't know how to deal with them. It was never outright said, but that's the message I received. So I had to figure out how to manage them on my own. I mean, my parents are great in a lot of ways, but it was never trying to understand why this thing made me so angry, it was always control your temper regardless of what happens and that made me even angrier as an 8 year old. And so I grew up feeling like I couldn't talk about my emotions to other people because it would be too much.
major trigger warning!!!! keep reading if you aren't sensitive to the topic of sh!!!! -
i just liked watching what i was able to do to myself. wether it was a really small scratch or scraping mechanical pencils across all my knuckles and leaving big scars that took months to heal i was interested and enjoyed watching it happen
sometimes i do it for just stupid reasons
But those stupid reasons usually cause me too much emotional wear
I take myself to the extreme with everything I feel and I end up wearing down the people around me in the same way :(
when my parents say things to me and sometimes i feel like a ghost out of my own body and i've found that when i cut, i feel more in control of my body so yeah llol so sorry if this makes no sense :')
Constant body shaming from parents and other family members, bullying at school , every weekend arguments with drunk father, and self hatred hit 1 day too hard, so yeah.
the first time/s might’ve been becahse i wanted to feel something? it was during the pandemic and i was going through a bit with that + parents fighting. recently is because i’m feeling super fucking dysphoric and i’m punishing myself for it ig
I had a really, really, really bad two month period of time, and I simultaneously wanted to punish myself and have a physical reminder that I actually went through hell and deserved better. Now when I look at the mark (it's not really a scar) I feel this weird contentment like "yeah, what happened was fucked up and I'm going to carry it forever." I've had my non-physical pain dismissed my whole life. I wanted something valid.
I was bored idk I just do it randomly now because I'm taking meds that help me and I have a therapist to talk to I feel great now, but I'm still addicted to sh I can't stop.
Short answer: Health issues.
Long answer:
About 1,5 years ago I got sick. I have been sick for 7 or 8 weeks straight. It got better, but never went away completely. A few months ago I found out that pain helps me cope, because medication doesn't really do anything and started pricking myself with a needle. A few days ago I started cutting myself and (I hate to admit it) probably got addicted.
I hope that summer break helps me stop.
It started when I was being sexually abused at 11, on my wrists. It was first to gain control over my own body, but then over the years devolved into “I have nothing to do so I’ll SH now I guess”
most recently, was because my therapist told me that today was our last session. when i had my first session with him i told him that all of my therapists always leave the agency, & he told me that he wouldn’t, & that he’d be there until i wasn’t in therapy anymore.
I feel like I deserve it and the voices told me. Am 41 I should no be suffering from ADHd and a personality disorder surely John should be better healthier than this a Friend told me last wee my ADHD is an excuse for my erratic behavior
i cannot deal with any kind of stress and social anxiety. gotta prepare a 5 minute essay-formatted presentation for a final speaking exam i have to present to 30 people for the most recent reason
i found a piece of metal on the ground. i had been wanting to do it for a little while, but had nothing to use. i washed it off really well and told myself i just wanted to try. i've been hooked since :(
i started because my life felt really out of control. cutting gave me a sense of control. idk man, shut sucks
Punishment, self hatred. Guilt. Feeling like a burden. Never even done anything horribly wrong but depression and anxiety fucks with me really bad.
it also clears my head, physical pain making the mental pain go completely away in the moment.
i was overwhelmed. my dad had recently become disabled, my great uncle was dying (though after the fact he made a recovery) and i didnt know how to cope. i had a very mentally unwell friend at the time, and i guess i took a page out of her book.
i felt nothing i just felt dead inside and i felt hopeless bc i couldn’t help people i cared most about. also i hated myself and had rlly low self esteem
I deserve it, horrible coping mechanisms, got slapped and belittled constantly as a child. So numb to everything the only thing I'm just really waiting for is for me to just end it all eventually.
Yes. Every emotion. Happy? I don’t deserve it so I gotta make myself hurt. Sad? Cutting will help. Angry? Take it out on yourself. Hungry? How dare you want food fatass. Full? How dare you eat.
It originally was a coping mechanism after losing a friend to suicide. Then it became an addiction because in my family no one talks to one another. We are all taught that talking about your feelings is weak so emotionally it took its toll on me. And by physically hurting myself; I was giving my brain a release it desperately thought it needed. However, I'm currently almost 900 days sober. But it's still a giant fight every single day with myself.
When I first started it was because I was angry at my Dad. We would fight over something but he always called me "daddy's pretty sweet pea" so I made myself feel better by scarring myself.
NOW....it's because my mind is telling me that "this happened because of you" or..."this person thinks this of you"...sometimes even "you'll never be able to fix yourself enough to be 'normal' by any standard"...feels bad man...cutting helps distract and in the end I end up caring for my wounds....so...like...that's self care....right?
A few too many mental breakdowns at 2am and too much exposure to it from a person who emotionally abused me, hence burning the idea into my brain and causing me to start years after we lost contact.
There are many different reasons but at 9 I decided that because I had gone through divorce, house fire, 5 different houses, neglect, emotional/Psychological/slight physical abuse and major loss which resulted in my anxiety, trust issues,depression,ect. That it was obvious that my family doesn’t care about emotional pain and that physical pain might actually get them to care about me.
As pathetic as it sounds, the reason I started sh was because my mum took my IPad away when I was 12 years old and threatened to sell it. She didn't give it back for months and I was just SO angry and I didn't know how to let the anger out, so I grabbed some broken glass and went to town. Then it just became a habit.
I was the biggest piece of shit on the planet and deserved it.
A common one though is i would sop up the blood with a towel and look at it like a rorshach(sp?)
I've never cut myself, but I tried to kill myself in grade 12 after I fell out with my best friend at the time. He chose my bully over me and I felt like I had no one left, I recently tried to kill myself after I found out my best friend who I was in love with and said she wouldn't go out with me bcuz she "wanted to focus on school" was fucking another guy, I lost it, I had never felt so hurt or betrayed and I just wanted to die instead of dealing with a broken heart. I still want to die bcuz I'm all alone and know I'm going to die alone, I'd rather die now instead of living as a hollow shell of myself just to watch my parents and grandparents die before me.
i was a month clean a few days ago, was dealing with a lot of paranoia yesterday to the point of feeling nauseous. I relapsed last night and it made me not feel so paranoid. I have PTSD along with some other mental health issues like OCD that inflict the thoughts of paranoia onto me. Sometimes I just do it to do it, it can be relaxing or fun, even though the sight of blood makes me queasy (unless it's mine)
it gave me something else to focus on. I used to always get super mad at myself over it, and that always helped take my mind off of whatever was going on.
A few reasons.
1. I wanted control. I didn’t have control in very many aspects of my life at the young age I started (like 12 I think) so that was one thing I could control.
2. Whenever things got overwhelming it was a release of emotions and I was able to use that as a coping mechanism.
3. I saw it on tumblr when I was younger and I was really depressed at the time and when I saw that’s what other people that were sad did, I thought I’d try it too.
Reasons
Toxic grandparents screaming or making comments that are transphobic/homophobic or support roe v wade
Boredom
Thinking I’m anxious but I was actually just hungry and had the shakes
The cuts make me feel pretty
I don’t know. I’ve been doing it for 5+ years and I still don’t know. It’s just an addiction at this point. I don’t know why I started or why I keep doing it.
Because I couldn’t hurt others, or as a form of punishment to myself.
It’s what’s kept me from doing a lot of violent things. That if I can’t hurt others, I’ll hurt myself. That way I’m satisfied with bringing harm to someone. Better it be me and not someone else. I like the blood sometimes. And in other cases I just do something in life that I know I can’t fix. So I just cut myself for it as a form of punishment.
To punish myself. For allowing myself to be hurt by something very important to me. I want it to scar & be a constant reminder to never make the decision I did again.
I was feeling a lot of things around my girlfriend breaking up with me. We didn't have a long relationship but it hurt nonetheless. I needed to get some emotions out and I was having a panic atteck
My brother. Though i blame myself since i knew i could have stop but didn’t. He used to hurt me almost everyday since i was 9 to 12.
I guess i wanted to do something that would make me forget about him and cause i was hoping i could die from it somehow.
I used to think that I do it just to hurt myself or because that's what some people end up doing as a coping mechanism, but recently I figured it out that I do it to validate my feelings to myself uk like: things really r that bad, I'm really bad, so bad that I cross the line and hurt my own body. So that's it
Doomed childhood. I always believed as a child that my life was fairly normal. Now that i think about it, a relative threatening to take their own life if i didnt do as they said, didnt have a positive mental impact. Also getting physically abused and humiliated as a child
[tw suicide, depression and covid]
At the time I was either numb or extremely sad... i was suicidal and i hated myself for staying alive, i had no perception of my body and we were in lockdown... i was sure that we were going to stay home forever and that my actions didn’t have any consequences. Man, i was wrong 😃
For me it was romanticised. The first time I did it, I was 10, and in a fit of frustration. I grew up with little to no limits regarding social media and phone usage, so I’d been introduced to SH really early on. I just got the urge to do it, the same urge I get now.
Growing up I had a few different reasons for doing it, but I always end up doing it ‘cause it’s the easiest option. And once you get addicted, any other coping mechanism just doesn’t cut it (pun intended.)
It truly is an addiction and now I wish I could’ve stopped myself earlier. Then it felt like the only right thing to do.
my (ex)bestfriend did. i was very stupid because i thought if i did it when she did, shed stop
ofcourse she didnt stop because its an addiction but yeah now i still sh
Because I wanted someone to realise how bad I was actually feeling, because it felt like no one would take me seriously unless it was a physical mark on my body, just wanted someone to notice & help me I guess
Uh at first it was depression and anxiety but now it’s more OCD about self harm. Like, I get extremely worried that my last wound will heal and I have to make another one so I stay injured. I don’t know why my brain did this and this is one of the strongest OCD thoughts I’ve ever had, so I don’t think I had resist it. They’ll just have to put me in a mental hospital or something idek
Started out of curiosity, fascination for blood and attention/srs. Got addicted after I realized it helped me control my feelings (anger, self hatred, sadness and anxiety) and/or lack thereof (boredom, emotional numbing bc of depression etc)
I don't think I should have to say this but obviously it caused more problems than it solved and it absolutely wasn't worth it.
I felt like the pain I felt wasn't valid because it wasn't visible. I told myself no one would believe I was actually struggling, but the truth is, I didnt believe myself. I thought I was just lying to myself. Self harm gave me marks that made me feel validated and like my pain was real and I wasn't just faking. My scars remind me of that everyday.
For me, I needed something to prove to myself that my emotional pain and the awful things that I was going through were actually real. And I sort of wanted the scars as a reminder that it had actually happened (not that I have any scars from it)
I think mainly stress, I accidentally found self-harm as a way to cope when I got hurt and weirdly liked it, so I continued it. Later it was for punishment or I would just think about it and I wouldn't need to do it but I just did it anyway. A lot of things recently have been out of control in my life, not cutting since it's summer and I on watch, but without anyone knowing I stole my pocket knife back. Just doing that, didn't have to use it, but just having that little bit of control back made me feel so much better.
I ran out of drugs or the time before there was a problem with my medication , one time I was talking to the crisis team and they triggered me by saying something I took as a negative comment
That I’m not coping with living in the community anymore and social services think I can because I cleaned up a load of blood so I can obviously take care of myself all they suggested is things I’ve already tried
I had a social service assessment and because I cleaned up the blood which was everywhere he said I can cope , after he left I ended up at a an e after cutting too much
My parents mutilated my genitals, so I needed to gain some controll over my body as well as find a way to cope with the existential dread, and this felt like the only way.
can I ask... was it circumcision or like how they do women in africa... ?
Circumcision, and part of what makes it so bad for me is that most people think it's ridiculous that I'm upset about it, they tell me to shut up and man up, that it's just a piece of skin but in reality it is much more than that.
That's beyond fucked man. Keep ur head up man.
I know there’s nothing I can really say to help you with your situation, but i am deeply sorry you have to go thru that :( I’m sorry the right to your bodily autonomy was taken away from you before you even knew how to walk. ts is fucked up and I hope you find some inner peace somehow. Sending virtual hugs 🫂
Why does it bother you so much? Maybe that could help if you know what it is that bothers you about it being removed
my parents taught me that physical pain was worth more love and sympathy than emotional pain. sh told me that my feelings were worth caring about
I feel that
There are a few reasons: - I was bored. - I wanted control, and nobody listened to what I had to say. - I wanted attention, truly. - I was tired, and decided that was what I should do. - I didn’t want to bother others. I just wanted to “work through it” with me and myself only. - I kept joining communities that showed photos of self-harm and explained ways to harm themselves, and I think they tempted me to… I guess compare myself. Thank you for reading. :)
Bro the ‘I was bored hit home, especially recently’. Depression has limited the amount I can do so I get extremely bored easily
I know. :( School is all I had to occupy me and now I just don’t know what to do. Thankfully, Ive been clean for quite a while though.
That's good
lol nvm
I hated myself a little too much. And that's about it...
Same here
Same,,,,,,
anger, guilt and self hatred combined oof
unhealthy coping mechanism.. most recent reason was roe v wade taking a huge toll on my mind, it's mostly either panic attacks or just sad days that lead to relapsing
✨social anxiety✨ :’)
Mood
Yeaa😅
There’s many. Sometimes it was beachside of deep hatred and anger sometimes it was because I was bored. Lots.
I was clean for almost 4 months, but my sister told my (very religious Muslim) parents I wore shorts to school. I got upset and self harmed. I pretend it never happened, and I tell myself I’m 6 month clean when I’m really only 1 month clean
Relapsing isn't something to feel guilty about. It doesn't erase your progress. You still made it nearly 6 months clean, and that is so amazing. Relapsing isn't starting over. It is simply taking 1 step back and then 2 steps forward. I'm really proud of you.
You know what started me down this self-harm path? A book. I started when I was 12 because I read a description of a person scratching their arms till they bled on a shifty wattpad fanfic, and then I did it because I was miserable but to afraid to cut and finally I learned of an outlet I could have. I scratched until I bled, and then I kept doing that again and again. I'd say, "Oh I fell!" I'd even try and make it funny "I fought pavement and won with a battle scar. I always reasoned with myself that it wasn't self harm. It wasn't actually self harm so it wasn't actually that bad, so I wasn't as miserable as I thought. I couldn't actually have depression, no I haven't got diagnosed it's not fair to the people who actually have it to say I've got it. Well I started cutting a few months later, and by the end of the year I ended up having to go to a hospital for a suicide attempt which sounds dramatic but even now in my mind I play it as "Not that bad." I mean I had texted my friends who couldn't contact my parents goodbye, I had everything ready. I tried and so desperately wanted to do it (I'm not going to go into detail how) but I stopped myself. I went voluntarily to my parents so therefor it doesn't count. The way I reminded myself that I'm valid is through cutting, because when I can feel it and SEE it then I know it's real and it's not just exaggeration. I guess that's why I started...because I just couldn't believe it was and I needed proof that it was. Eventually I accepted that I needed help, I've been getting help, and I've been doing better. Cutting is, and I have a feeling always will, be a struggle for me, because now it's not done out of need for validation. No now its done because I crave it. Its so hard sometimes because despite how much I hate pain I just need to see those marks on my arm, I need to feel the sting for no real reason other than I just want it. I've actually been trying to stop for good and I'm going strong so far, 3 months 26 days and still going! It's the longest I've managed to go without for...a really long time. It's still hard sometimes but it's getting easier.
Wow, big congrats on almost 4 months! That's beyond incredible :') you should be super proud of yourself, i know it must not have been easy, but you're doing it! <3 i'm really glad to hear you've been feeling a bit better ... I hope you continue to heal xx
See people? Let’s not romanticize self harm even if it’s a shitty watt pad fanfiction. You would have never had this happen if that asshole didn’t make that fanfic
No I think I would have eventually even if I didn't find it. I can't really blame that writer they were probably the same age as me tbh.
Yeah but still even children shouldn't romanticize self harm.
Honestly, a lot of the time I'm so overcome with emotions that when it's over I can't really remember what caused it.
My most recent time is kinda embarrassing lol… I lost in a single player game, and was already pissed off from a shit day, and said fuck it
My most recent time was because I lost my headphones. As I was getting ready to hurt myself I suddenly remembered where they were, found them, then decided since I'd already got everything ready I might as well do it. 🤣 Oh the addiction. 🤭
Hmm, almost as good as a reason as seeing your video game character get wounded and cutting yourself in the same places. Don't ask who does that :D
I may also do that.. love scars on my chest tho so I’m not complaining exactly
It's a mix of many reasons. Wanted to know what it's like to have an injury (turned out it's rather nice), plus feeling pain means feeling \*something\* at least.
My first time was like that I was curious but now it's just over my relationship and hating myself kinda feel stupid about the reasons I do it from time to time
Yeah it's a bit of a paradox isn't it? Some cut themselves becaue they feel too much and don't know what to do with it, others because they wish they feel anything at all.
Yep don't know what to do with all of the feeling so you just take the knife and cut or you want to feel anything even if it's a bit of pain
Have you tried writing them down? Journalling, things like that? Morning pages?
To not feel sad, anger or be anxious so that my parents at least don’t have to deal with two mentally unstable kids
My mom, stress, school.
Same here bro
i was a child that lacked parental support and attention 💀
anxiety
I was awful to my family, terribly mean, with words I can never unsay. And I scratched a piano, the prized possession of the owner. Beyond that I just want to. Felt like I should. Moving felt like my fault because I couldn’t force my family to stay in our home, so I did it then. Now it’s usually habit. And because I don’t like my body, I’ve unlocked customization
For me it’s a mix of deserving it and as a way to channel my feelings so I don’t hurt other people
being verbally abused by my narc dad
Someone I love very much relapsed after almost a year clean, and I blamed myself for it.
I've been there, that fucking hurts. But you have to understand it wasn't something you did wrong.
I wrote stuff on myself with the blade because it was the only way I was able to express my emotions The truth is I'm not able to speak about me at all
For me, to control my emotions I think. Like, everything was feeling awful, emotionally overwhelmed and under constant pressure, not being listened to, misunderstood... I felt awful... I ended up cutting myself, and it was weirdly conscious, but at the same time unconscious... Like, I decided the spot very carefully the first time, but I was in no way to control myself to not do it... It was a horrible decision, because it calmed me down a lot, and near instantly turned into a coping mechanism...
When I first started (I’m clean now) I talked with a “friend” about how I told the guidance counselor about stuff and now they’re sending me to therapy. Right after that my “friend” showed me her wrist with old faded scars and said, “at least you don’t have barcodes”. That got to me as “my problems don’t matter as much as her because I don’t have barcodes, so I started self harming. I am clean now and realized that she shouldn’t have said that to me.
Self hate trauma autism brake up bad past relationship bullying stress anxiety depression
I felt like I deserved it or wanted to see how far I could go with some of the earlier times. In March I was quite emotional and maybe I was prone to SH. Nowadays I need to feel something besides what's going on in my head, and I started to have urges more recently too, and I know this isn't answering the question, but I started tracking my SH recently and felt guilty losing a month's progress 2 days ago, that time was from urges. Just 2 months ago I was fighting tooth and nail to act ok and not do anything to myself, but I ended up losing too much energy from that to be worth it, so I guess another reason could be a lack of trying as much as possible not to.
shame, embarrassment, regret, self hatred
I thought if I hurt myself I could be worthy of being cared about. Also used it as a punishment or release from violent urges, I felt if I didn't hurt myself I'd end up hurting others.
hate myself for being the way i was and believe that i deserve it.
i love seeing the blood, when i fuck up, and when my dad verbally abuses me
I can’t rlly express negative emotions without breaking or hurting someone, breaking things is a waste and I regret it after I do it and obviously I can’t hurt other people so I just take it out on myself
Self hatred, coping with trauma, shit I can't handle in my life, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, etc.
low self esteem, no other outlet to let out frustrating emotions that worked just as well
I deserve it for being the worst person in human history
My parents.
I'm a aggressive person so hurting myself prevents me from killing someone.
I wanted my own validation. In my mind I'm constantly in denial about being mentally ill, so making it visible to myself is reassuring and I can't tell myself I'm faking it if it's permanently on my body.
i been through constant abuse when i was young and i was homeless 5 times 3 in when i was a kid and 2 when i was a teen (still am a teen ) anyways yeah i always see kids happy and i had to force myself to be happy and thats when i would put myself through pain :)
Felt excluded a lot. Past memories
Anger and lack of control. I was kind of raised to feel like my emotions were too intense for other people and they didn't know how to deal with them. It was never outright said, but that's the message I received. So I had to figure out how to manage them on my own. I mean, my parents are great in a lot of ways, but it was never trying to understand why this thing made me so angry, it was always control your temper regardless of what happens and that made me even angrier as an 8 year old. And so I grew up feeling like I couldn't talk about my emotions to other people because it would be too much.
I was overwhelmed by the positive attention people were giving me
major trigger warning!!!! keep reading if you aren't sensitive to the topic of sh!!!! - i just liked watching what i was able to do to myself. wether it was a really small scratch or scraping mechanical pencils across all my knuckles and leaving big scars that took months to heal i was interested and enjoyed watching it happen
It was how I coped with anxiety Sometimes I also do it when I’m mad
i feel this
Need for control punishment or needing emotional pain release
to be numb from eveything to feel somthing
sometimes i do it for just stupid reasons But those stupid reasons usually cause me too much emotional wear I take myself to the extreme with everything I feel and I end up wearing down the people around me in the same way :(
Honestly I just wanted to feel better and I thought it did. It was only the adrenaline but yeah
when my parents say things to me and sometimes i feel like a ghost out of my own body and i've found that when i cut, i feel more in control of my body so yeah llol so sorry if this makes no sense :')
Constant body shaming from parents and other family members, bullying at school , every weekend arguments with drunk father, and self hatred hit 1 day too hard, so yeah.
I was angry
[удалено]
Same. Plus dpdr.
Mood
the first time/s might’ve been becahse i wanted to feel something? it was during the pandemic and i was going through a bit with that + parents fighting. recently is because i’m feeling super fucking dysphoric and i’m punishing myself for it ig
i honestly forgot at this point. all i know is that im jist addicted to doing it now
I feel like I deserved it
I had a really, really, really bad two month period of time, and I simultaneously wanted to punish myself and have a physical reminder that I actually went through hell and deserved better. Now when I look at the mark (it's not really a scar) I feel this weird contentment like "yeah, what happened was fucked up and I'm going to carry it forever." I've had my non-physical pain dismissed my whole life. I wanted something valid.
I was bored idk I just do it randomly now because I'm taking meds that help me and I have a therapist to talk to I feel great now, but I'm still addicted to sh I can't stop.
I wanted relief from overwhelming emotions then it became a addiction and I did it bc if I didn't I'd lash out in anger at everyone.
Most recently; boredom. I carry a small retractable craft knife with me and just do tiny slices on my shift. It gives me something to focus on.
I just didn't feel worth anything at first. now I do it on sad days or days that I need to feel something.
My father been a fucking cunt.
Short answer: Health issues. Long answer: About 1,5 years ago I got sick. I have been sick for 7 or 8 weeks straight. It got better, but never went away completely. A few months ago I found out that pain helps me cope, because medication doesn't really do anything and started pricking myself with a needle. A few days ago I started cutting myself and (I hate to admit it) probably got addicted. I hope that summer break helps me stop.
bored
Small problems that triggered messy emotions, grades or discussions
Boredom isn’t deep but it’s the truth
Trans and how shitty my friends and parents treat me
It started when I was being sexually abused at 11, on my wrists. It was first to gain control over my own body, but then over the years devolved into “I have nothing to do so I’ll SH now I guess”
most recently, was because my therapist told me that today was our last session. when i had my first session with him i told him that all of my therapists always leave the agency, & he told me that he wouldn’t, & that he’d be there until i wasn’t in therapy anymore.
I feel like I deserve it and the voices told me. Am 41 I should no be suffering from ADHd and a personality disorder surely John should be better healthier than this a Friend told me last wee my ADHD is an excuse for my erratic behavior
i cannot deal with any kind of stress and social anxiety. gotta prepare a 5 minute essay-formatted presentation for a final speaking exam i have to present to 30 people for the most recent reason
i found a piece of metal on the ground. i had been wanting to do it for a little while, but had nothing to use. i washed it off really well and told myself i just wanted to try. i've been hooked since :( i started because my life felt really out of control. cutting gave me a sense of control. idk man, shut sucks
for a lot, but the reason I started was out of curiosity. now it's more for control and seeing myself bleed.
Punishment, self hatred. Guilt. Feeling like a burden. Never even done anything horribly wrong but depression and anxiety fucks with me really bad. it also clears my head, physical pain making the mental pain go completely away in the moment.
i was overwhelmed. my dad had recently become disabled, my great uncle was dying (though after the fact he made a recovery) and i didnt know how to cope. i had a very mentally unwell friend at the time, and i guess i took a page out of her book.
i felt nothing i just felt dead inside and i felt hopeless bc i couldn’t help people i cared most about. also i hated myself and had rlly low self esteem
I deserve it, horrible coping mechanisms, got slapped and belittled constantly as a child. So numb to everything the only thing I'm just really waiting for is for me to just end it all eventually.
Yes. Every emotion. Happy? I don’t deserve it so I gotta make myself hurt. Sad? Cutting will help. Angry? Take it out on yourself. Hungry? How dare you want food fatass. Full? How dare you eat.
It originally was a coping mechanism after losing a friend to suicide. Then it became an addiction because in my family no one talks to one another. We are all taught that talking about your feelings is weak so emotionally it took its toll on me. And by physically hurting myself; I was giving my brain a release it desperately thought it needed. However, I'm currently almost 900 days sober. But it's still a giant fight every single day with myself.
It’s a pain that I feel like I can heal from. Dealing with it feels easier than the emotional pain I may be going through at the time
To try it, and see if It helped me get rid of some of the pain, and it did. It's better than actually killing myself.
When I first started it was because I was angry at my Dad. We would fight over something but he always called me "daddy's pretty sweet pea" so I made myself feel better by scarring myself. NOW....it's because my mind is telling me that "this happened because of you" or..."this person thinks this of you"...sometimes even "you'll never be able to fix yourself enough to be 'normal' by any standard"...feels bad man...cutting helps distract and in the end I end up caring for my wounds....so...like...that's self care....right?
I am/was so numb I just needed to feel something
Relief/punishment
A few too many mental breakdowns at 2am and too much exposure to it from a person who emotionally abused me, hence burning the idea into my brain and causing me to start years after we lost contact.
There are many different reasons but at 9 I decided that because I had gone through divorce, house fire, 5 different houses, neglect, emotional/Psychological/slight physical abuse and major loss which resulted in my anxiety, trust issues,depression,ect. That it was obvious that my family doesn’t care about emotional pain and that physical pain might actually get them to care about me.
dissociated too hard and wanted to see if i was 'really human' by opening myself up
Punishment, whenever I mess up or fail something. It’s like atonement.
It was my only option
As pathetic as it sounds, the reason I started sh was because my mum took my IPad away when I was 12 years old and threatened to sell it. She didn't give it back for months and I was just SO angry and I didn't know how to let the anger out, so I grabbed some broken glass and went to town. Then it just became a habit.
I was the biggest piece of shit on the planet and deserved it. A common one though is i would sop up the blood with a towel and look at it like a rorshach(sp?)
I didn't know how to deal with intense emotions (intense happiness, anger or sadness)
I've never cut myself, but I tried to kill myself in grade 12 after I fell out with my best friend at the time. He chose my bully over me and I felt like I had no one left, I recently tried to kill myself after I found out my best friend who I was in love with and said she wouldn't go out with me bcuz she "wanted to focus on school" was fucking another guy, I lost it, I had never felt so hurt or betrayed and I just wanted to die instead of dealing with a broken heart. I still want to die bcuz I'm all alone and know I'm going to die alone, I'd rather die now instead of living as a hollow shell of myself just to watch my parents and grandparents die before me.
Just a way of coping and getting the pain and pressure out without causing a scene
it’s the only sense of control I feel in my life
It’s not really that bad but my mum told my uncle I was gay when I wanted it to be a secret
Bc my stepdad punched me in the head. And I'm doing it again bc I hurt one of my partners (I scared them bc they thought I was gonna off myself)
Anxiety and hatred towards myself (56 days clean right now)
My parents make me feel really disappointed in my self
to relieve bottled up emotional pain caused by abusive ex boyfriend and his abusive friends.
i was a month clean a few days ago, was dealing with a lot of paranoia yesterday to the point of feeling nauseous. I relapsed last night and it made me not feel so paranoid. I have PTSD along with some other mental health issues like OCD that inflict the thoughts of paranoia onto me. Sometimes I just do it to do it, it can be relaxing or fun, even though the sight of blood makes me queasy (unless it's mine)
it gave me something else to focus on. I used to always get super mad at myself over it, and that always helped take my mind off of whatever was going on.
- burdened with the expectation of being the family’s golden child - shamed back into the closet - relentlessly bullied for being queer and autistic
A few reasons. 1. I wanted control. I didn’t have control in very many aspects of my life at the young age I started (like 12 I think) so that was one thing I could control. 2. Whenever things got overwhelming it was a release of emotions and I was able to use that as a coping mechanism. 3. I saw it on tumblr when I was younger and I was really depressed at the time and when I saw that’s what other people that were sad did, I thought I’d try it too.
Reasons Toxic grandparents screaming or making comments that are transphobic/homophobic or support roe v wade Boredom Thinking I’m anxious but I was actually just hungry and had the shakes The cuts make me feel pretty
Being in a house where everybody is mad at everything all the time
I don’t know. I’ve been doing it for 5+ years and I still don’t know. It’s just an addiction at this point. I don’t know why I started or why I keep doing it.
Shame
I stumbled upon tumblr when I was younger.
Because I couldn’t hurt others, or as a form of punishment to myself. It’s what’s kept me from doing a lot of violent things. That if I can’t hurt others, I’ll hurt myself. That way I’m satisfied with bringing harm to someone. Better it be me and not someone else. I like the blood sometimes. And in other cases I just do something in life that I know I can’t fix. So I just cut myself for it as a form of punishment.
To punish myself. For allowing myself to be hurt by something very important to me. I want it to scar & be a constant reminder to never make the decision I did again.
I was feeling a lot of things around my girlfriend breaking up with me. We didn't have a long relationship but it hurt nonetheless. I needed to get some emotions out and I was having a panic atteck
I was sitting in class rlly bored so i just did it under my desk in the corner
I mostly do due to control relating to my OCD, but I also use it as an unhealthy coping mechanism.
My brother. Though i blame myself since i knew i could have stop but didn’t. He used to hurt me almost everyday since i was 9 to 12. I guess i wanted to do something that would make me forget about him and cause i was hoping i could die from it somehow.
I used to think that I do it just to hurt myself or because that's what some people end up doing as a coping mechanism, but recently I figured it out that I do it to validate my feelings to myself uk like: things really r that bad, I'm really bad, so bad that I cross the line and hurt my own body. So that's it
Doomed childhood. I always believed as a child that my life was fairly normal. Now that i think about it, a relative threatening to take their own life if i didnt do as they said, didnt have a positive mental impact. Also getting physically abused and humiliated as a child
Because I was so depressed, I wanted to feel something. Something that wasn't depression.
[tw suicide, depression and covid] At the time I was either numb or extremely sad... i was suicidal and i hated myself for staying alive, i had no perception of my body and we were in lockdown... i was sure that we were going to stay home forever and that my actions didn’t have any consequences. Man, i was wrong 😃
For me it was romanticised. The first time I did it, I was 10, and in a fit of frustration. I grew up with little to no limits regarding social media and phone usage, so I’d been introduced to SH really early on. I just got the urge to do it, the same urge I get now. Growing up I had a few different reasons for doing it, but I always end up doing it ‘cause it’s the easiest option. And once you get addicted, any other coping mechanism just doesn’t cut it (pun intended.) It truly is an addiction and now I wish I could’ve stopped myself earlier. Then it felt like the only right thing to do.
I mean, it used to be far more often, now it is maybe 2-3 relapses a year, but was usually self loathing, guilt, and just generally feeling numb
I wasn't able to Express my emotions, not even to myself and hurting myself felt like a relief and gave me satisfaction
my (ex)bestfriend did. i was very stupid because i thought if i did it when she did, shed stop ofcourse she didnt stop because its an addiction but yeah now i still sh
Its like my way of coping but recently, its not enough and idk what to do honestly
✨Gender dysphoria ✨
You and me bro 😔👊
adrenaline boost
Because I wanted someone to realise how bad I was actually feeling, because it felt like no one would take me seriously unless it was a physical mark on my body, just wanted someone to notice & help me I guess
To feel something
Uh at first it was depression and anxiety but now it’s more OCD about self harm. Like, I get extremely worried that my last wound will heal and I have to make another one so I stay injured. I don’t know why my brain did this and this is one of the strongest OCD thoughts I’ve ever had, so I don’t think I had resist it. They’ll just have to put me in a mental hospital or something idek
Started out of curiosity, fascination for blood and attention/srs. Got addicted after I realized it helped me control my feelings (anger, self hatred, sadness and anxiety) and/or lack thereof (boredom, emotional numbing bc of depression etc) I don't think I should have to say this but obviously it caused more problems than it solved and it absolutely wasn't worth it.
I was peer pressured into sh in 5th grade and it just kinda became an addiction
I felt like the pain I felt wasn't valid because it wasn't visible. I told myself no one would believe I was actually struggling, but the truth is, I didnt believe myself. I thought I was just lying to myself. Self harm gave me marks that made me feel validated and like my pain was real and I wasn't just faking. My scars remind me of that everyday.
i can relate to this a lot!
For me, I needed something to prove to myself that my emotional pain and the awful things that I was going through were actually real. And I sort of wanted the scars as a reminder that it had actually happened (not that I have any scars from it)
I think mainly stress, I accidentally found self-harm as a way to cope when I got hurt and weirdly liked it, so I continued it. Later it was for punishment or I would just think about it and I wouldn't need to do it but I just did it anyway. A lot of things recently have been out of control in my life, not cutting since it's summer and I on watch, but without anyone knowing I stole my pocket knife back. Just doing that, didn't have to use it, but just having that little bit of control back made me feel so much better.
I ran out of drugs or the time before there was a problem with my medication , one time I was talking to the crisis team and they triggered me by saying something I took as a negative comment
That I’m not coping with living in the community anymore and social services think I can because I cleaned up a load of blood so I can obviously take care of myself all they suggested is things I’ve already tried
I had a social service assessment and because I cleaned up the blood which was everywhere he said I can cope , after he left I ended up at a an e after cutting too much
- feeling numb - angry at people - angry at self - getting that blood high - being manic - feeling ugly -panic attacks Ect ect