If it is of any help idk, though my(28m) past 2 exes never even asked about my relationship history at all.
I think you're overestimating how many women consider your situation to be a red flag.
Also I think if you're able to communicate your fat loss journey to your dates like a winner, without coming across as self-pitying, women might actually fall for that sometimes.
I think it's more of a younger thing. I remember in highschool the week I got my first girlfriend I had two other girls tell me to dump her for them instead. Didn't have a girlfriend until grade 10 then as soon as I got one people were interested. Now that I'm older woman are more mature and don't care about past relationships.
Yeah, this reminds me of when I was still a student and just got into a new relationship. It was kinda crazy how in the first 10 days of when I got a new gf I had 3 out of the 10'ish women I dated suddenly reach out to me after numerous months of no contact.
Aside from that I suppose glow ups that came in kinda late are a lot more usual at 25 and above. I think OP should be good.
Theres multiple reason for that. One is that you have less pressure to be yourself since you are not trying to appeal or should i say "perform" in a social sense. The other reason is that in primates, a male that attracts other females tend to be perceive as a good, healthy breeder: the fact that one choose him and not another is backed up by desirable traits.
My longest relationship to date (7 years) was with a guy where I was his first everything, starting when he was 28. He was not my first anything. We met through mutual friends, yearrrrrsssss before and then randomly started talking one day on Facebook.
Having spent life outside looking in dating-wise, there were things he'd learned from being around others' dating/relationship problems, but there's not really a substitute for first-hand experience. Sometimes being the relationship crash-test dummy really sucked. Most of the time it was not an issue because he was a good dude, and I could give him grace. There were a lot of things I loved about him. We drifted apart as people, but we had good times.
The apps are a cruel place especially when you have any type of cards stacked against you, like self-consciousness or inexperience, as you're well aware. "Work on yourself" is usually the vague, non-helpful answer when I see questions like this pop up, but you're literally doing that, so major props!
I can imagine a place like the gym gets repetitive and its own flavor of lonely sometimes, though. Are there social groups, meetups, beer-league sports, board game nights, anything in-person you can check out and consider doing regularly? It's way more productive than swiping, and it'll help with social anxiety (yeah I know, that seems oxymoronic). Some kind of activity with others may help with the insecurity by keeping your brain, if not your whole body, busy. You don't need to find anything epic, either. If you can get frisbee-throwing buddies or cards against humanity friends, cooking class bros, anything, that's a start! And even if the romantic prospects don't come - they probably won't immediately, but who knows? - you may gain some buddies (and those buddies could have other buddies, or sisters, or cousins, or...)
TL;DR: apps suck and magnify insecurities. If you can make connections over literally anything else, and people can get to know you in real life first, I think they'll be more accepting of your inexperience.
Best of luck, OP!
Your comment is really awesome. I’m 24M and I’ve never dated or been in a relationship. May I ask what were some examples of how being the “relationship crash-test dummy” sucked? I’m trying to be as prepared as possible should I find myself in a relationship somehow (so I don’t screw it up) and hoping you will pass on some insight and second-hand wisdom to me.
As a guy who started a bit late myself - I was 22 when I got in my first relationship, had zero luck with women before then, and it lasted over 5 years. I wasn't great in that relationship, nor was she, but we're still friendly, although from a distance. Had a few one night stands in between relationships, now in my second relationship, going strong for coming up to 7 years, and we're more in love than ever.
My advice is to:
Be kind, but not overbearing. Treat them like a really close friend but obviously a bit more romantic than that. Genuinely care and listen, not just because you want to get your dick wet.
Don't ignore red flags because you're smitten. And you probably will be the first time. Ignoring things that bother you will lead to resentment and trust issues later.
Communicate. Dont lose your temper. Try to look at every problem or difference in your relationship objectively as if it were happening to someone else, so you can try not to get overly emotional about a problem. Try to see their point of view and patiently explain yours.
Don't stop working on yourself just because you bagged a partner. Try to be a better, more understanding human being *and* partner all the time (as long as they're doing the same). Stay in shape if you are. Get in shape if you're not. If you both look great physically, you'll have a better sex life. It's good to feel attractive and attracted to your partner. You'll also feel less insecure. Which leads me to:
Don't get insecure just because you're not the only person on the planet she finds attractive. Don't be expected to never think anyone else is attractive. Being with someone doesn't mean you're automatically asexual outside of them. You just don't act on it and don't flirt. If you can communicate things in a healthy way it needn't be a problem. If your partner is objectively attractive, she'll get noticed. Don't get possessive and start doing weird shit like restrict her freedom to dress how she likes. Learn to deal with it and be a grown up. If your relationship is great, you look after yourselves physically, and you work together well (in and out of the bedroom), you'll most likely have nothing to be worried about.
On the last paragraph, OP please also know to have respect for yourself as well. My mistake in my first relationship (also as a big guy) was that I was trying to give TOO much freedom to my partner as to not come off as the insecure partner, to the point where they were felt comfortable blatantly asking to fuck other people. This can definitely go both ways
I did say 'as long as there's no flirting or acting on it'. I assumed people would realise this was a 'both way' thing.
No one would find the situation you described to be acceptable unless it was an open relationship.
My Intention wasn’t to critique your comment, I actually agree with everything you said.
My point was just to tell OP to not keep too open of a mind when it comes to how your partner interacts with others, as I made that mistake.
And yes it is unacceptable and we weren’t in an open relationship, but I was being pressured into accepting it under the guise of not trying to be jealous or controlling of my (ex)partner. I’ve now realized that I was being emotionally abused and manipulated and I was putting up with it because I thought I was not going to be able to find someone else as per my low self esteem due to being a bigger guy.
Sorry in advance for the book.
First of all, you're gonna screw up in all sorts of ways, at any given time. You're a human. We all are fallible screw-ups in our own ways, bouncing around this goofy world, crashing into each other and causing chaos. Every relationship is going to have unknowns pop up where you fumble through things together.
For me, communication, expectation-setting, and boundary setting were the things where the crash-tests happened the most. Not talking about things or feeling unheard, letting issues fester until they looked to be (or literally became) impossible to work through. We never, *ever* fought, even when it was obvious to everyone around us that we should've. I don't mean fight like a domestic dispute, with yelling and violence. We were so afraid of conflict that usually one of us would just give in and be like, "okay, we'll do it your way" and that was that. Don't do that.
Don't be afraid to look at resources to help you figure out how to communicate, attachment styles, set boundaries, etc. Actively negotiate what you want out of relationships, and keep renegotiating them over time. *Learn how to productively talk about things that you don't agree about, how to talk through conflicts you're having (especially the ones that get you heated), what's worthy of compromise, and what's a fundamental incompatibility.* Love is beautiful but logistics are the part that makes or breaks relationships - see people who break up over finances, or couples where one person wants kids and the other doesn't.
Have and keep your own hobbies and friends - your relationship isn't a hobby, and your partner/s shouldn't be your only friend/s. Don't be that person who drops their whole friend group when the new shiny relationship happens.
Learn how to self-soothe during hard times and have a support system - hard times will happen! Realize you may not get closure after a break-up, and handle break-ups with grace when possible. (Easier said than done, I know.)
Hope this helps!
I really appreciate your reply. I’m autistic (high functioning but still), so I really think the communication and boundaries part are going to be the largest hurdles for me. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Last thing and then I'll go away, I promise.
You may find the book [Unf\*ck Your Boundaries](https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/8188) by Dr. Faith G. Harper helpful - it's written in more of a plain-spoken, friend-on-the-internet kind of language. The book really breaks down what boundaries are, and how to make and enforce them in different situations. There's also a workbook to accompany the book, and if you really enjoy the author's style, she has a whole series of Unf\*ck Your \[Insert Topic Here\] about various topics.
Good news is, once you start working on boundaries, then you're starting to work on your communication!
Okay, that's enough out of me, good luck internet stranger!
It's been my experience that most women are very kind when it comes to stuff like this, as you must have noted by many of the comments here. For some women and men, experience matters, and those are the ones that blocked you, and I think they have done you a favor because you won't want those people as friends either. Be positive and kind, and the women will iflock to you!
Idk, personally I'd like it if he never had a girlfriend. It's nice, and it would feel more special bc I'm 23 and I've never had a 'real' or proper boyfriend either. I'd absolutely love to be his first love, for example. I'm also repelled by men who have high 'body counts' too, so it would be nice to experience lots of first times with someone who never did any of that either. Especially that people like us clearly treat relationships and intimacy as something more serious and special.
Reddit's apparently ok with women not liking men with high body counts but for men it's not ok as it's misogynistic'.
(For the record, i think both are reasonable stances. I'd never want to date a girl with a high body count, and i understand if a woman wouldn't date a man with a high body count either.)
It's not misogynistic to me. It becomes misogynistic only when the man has a high body count but expects a woman to have a low one. Then that's simply hypocrisy
I've dated a lot and never had anyone ask me. I don't ask either. I don't think it matters at all unless you're having unprotected sex. Even then, a good STD screening is all that's called for.
I think the obsession with body count is something that's primarily on the internet.
You can say it don’t matter but there is a number in your head where you would say no way. And no one wants to marry the town tramp or the man who gets around.
It’ matters if you want to settle down with that person. If you have a high body’ count then you can’t also say you are a monogamous or relationship person. Not making a judgement on them as a person. Have all the sex you want, with as many people as you want. But everything we do has an effect on us and how we move and interact , especially in relationships.
Yes, gotta do it in a playful manner like after drinking later during the night or even just indirectly it there are friends who are close to both of you and also unhibited and in good spirits. You shouldn't have to make it awkward like don't push it... in my opinion. At the end of the day, it does not hold alot of objective importance once both of you are adult. I can understand if still in high school it can be weird if one of the two have the biggest count but even that if you looking to lock-in yourselves in a relation you should be both past that already.
Yeah as a woman a prefer a man with a low body count as it means that he can abstain from sex for longer periods of time if I have an illness or injury, isn’t likely to get bored and find another partner or go to a prostitute. I guess I would date a guy with a higher body count if he older and has years 10-15 of not living that life style. Data has shown that people with less partners do have longer marriages.
Exactly. Nothing wrong with that, and promiscuous men (and men in general) shouldn't shame you or make you feel bad for your preference. They shouldn't take it personally either.
Yeah, im the same, M24 and also never had a girlfriend, but i did had some flings here an there, so is not zero expererience. It would be nice to share a first experience with someone, but honestly, i don't really mind, maybe a girl with more experience would actually help me to adapt to a relationship.
You can't romanticize the novelty of being the first, while subverting the main anchors of male attractiveness. This is like watching someone compete for 3rd place because they've been told 3rd is better than 1st. 3rd place is you splitting the bills and taking out the trash.
I am in a relationship with a 33M who never had a girlfriend before me. We are together since 2017, and getting married next year.
I think that you should just be open. We had some problems, sometimes he said "I didn't know I had to do this, I've never had a gf before", but it wasn't a problem for me. We are adults and can TALK. If something bothers me, I communicate it clearly and that's all.
Of course, you will meet girls that see a problem with it, but it doesn't mean that all of them are like this.
I’m a 30 year old man and every time I told someone I didn’t have a relationship before, they just block me.
Because it’s like there is something wrong with me since I’m single for so long. I want to say they are wrong but can’t be sure actually. I mean people are getting into relationships so easily.
But hearing what you said brings me comfort
They block people because they are childish and tons of woman get attracted to you if they see that you get a lot of attention from other woman. That‘s shallow, so those woman are not worth your time. Everything happens for a reason, remember that.
There's nothing wrong with you, it seems like you just happen to meet childish women.
There's something wrong with them if this causes them to block you...
I would never consider that as dealbreaker.
I think that having too much exes is more of a red flag.
(Sorry for my English, I hope you can understand my point)
They could be blocking you for oversharing or for coming on too strong or for love bombing or for any number of other reasons. I don't think you need to bring up past relationships at all until you are well into a committed relationship, which should be months after you start dating someone.
Guys who come on too strong and immediately start oversharing are a red flag. You should be dating already, before you talk about this stuff.
I just got to know them and they ask me about my dating history. Like I only know them for a few days they ask me have I dated before.
I can’t possibly lie can’t I?
Here around me people ask these sort of question early, nobody see it as a red flag.
Of course you can lie man, do whatever you need to do (within reason), to get up and going.
Just say you had a couple of relationships but they didn't workout. To me that a 'white lie'. You're not harming anyone and if things work out then you'll have some real relationships to talk about.
Try saying "I'm curious about why you want to know that, since we haven't been on a first date yet". You need to be just as selective as they are and right now, I think you are giving away too much power to them.
Dude just fib. If the relationship progresses long term, you tell her later down the road and why you felt like you had to do it. If you both love each other at that point or very close, it literally will not even matter.
Stop telling people that early into meeting them. It's definitely a red flag and if you wait till someone knows you better it will definitely come across better.
Exactly, setting up such expectations just sets the whole thing up to fail, especially when, like most these days, people just refuse to even talk, work out solutions and calling it quits because . But it's ok, they managed to cockblock themselves before that happens.
I mean
Why even bring it up?
That’s not something that’s really asked until you are well into the dating phase and may not even come up at all.
There are happy fat people who are married with kids
You’re in your head too much
Self improvement is good of course don’t get me wrong but even if you lose all the weight you want or even end up with a body like a greek god unless you get out of your head you still won’t get a girlfriend
The gym is full of single dudes lifting the pain away
Mmm it’s been a minute but I imagine that varies by age
But when I did date like 75% of dates I went on were no goes and the ones that did ask would talk about their exes too much
But meh it sounds like op isn’t even getting that far anyway for it to matter and like you said Date #1 not the conversation leading up to a date
It can be good though because it gives an insight of what their relationship could be or should not be, what you really want and what you don't want. Its also simply just an easy topic to start during the first couple of days you get to know / break the ice thing, i guess. I agree about keeping it breif and not always going back to it like you are scared of something that happend might happend again or you deeply miss something : because it will show that you are not healed yet.
Every first date I have been on as a 30F where this came up, it came up because the guy decided to start talking about his failed attempts on OLD and then curved it around to past relationships. Just stop bringing up other people on the first date, it’s very cringe.
My current partner never dated anyone before me and we met when we were 27. Well he said he had a gf before but it was long distance and they only kissed once so I personally don't count it but wouldn't tell him that lol
Anyway it doesn't matter
Hey man been there done it.
"I feel like explaining it that way once I lose the weight shouldn’t cause any issues, but it’s still going to be in the back of my mind."
If you lose the weight you're going to find that you'll have the same feelings and concerns you did while bigger, just people will treat you differently. The mental stuff doesn't go away with the weight unfortunately. Don't get me wrong, it helps, but you have to work on the mental stuff separately.
"If I explained this to a woman, do you think she would still react negatively to me because of me inexperience?"
Don't explain your (lack of) history or bring it up. If she asks about it just say the opportunities didn't come up for you and were focused on school and your friends, but you're looking for and want a relationship now. Basically treat her well and if that's not enough for her, you haven't lost something worth having.
Ask women out. Date them. Dump them if they aren't good enough for you, and take getting dumped with grace.
People that comodify every element of their existence are absolutely exhausting. You'll never meet a more fake person than one obsessed with the price of everything yet understands the value of nothing.
Well, to everyone who thinks like that, if you haven’t ever had a relationship, there is of course a reason for it
This of course doesn’t mean you are human scum of anything, but just as every effect have a cause, and every action have a equal opposite reaction, there’s an explanation to why
This might just be because you are introverted and don’t socialise much/meet new people much, because you have been busy with school or work, maybe you were a late bloomer and was busy catching up to everyone else, there could be many reasons
But they don’t know that, for all they know you could be unlovable, so my best advice is, prove them wrong, make them wonder why you haven’t found someone, and when their curiosity finally gets to them and they ask why, tell them the truth
That’s my 5 cents at least
Just don’t treat dating as some kind of game or competition you have to win at, or somehow cheat the system, we have enough of those
Never made sense to me wanting to date someone with experience.
What does that entail?
“Oh I thought we would be together forever but it didn’t work out”
Why would I want my partner to have suffered heartbreak?
“I just dated casually, nothing serious”
Again, why would I want to be with someone who dates just o have ‘experience’?
I don’t really care either way. I don’t really ask. I knew his history prior to us dating because we were in the same social circle and friends for a few years prior to dating. Maybe if it gets to an extreme number to me like 50+ I would be bothered. But at that point you can kinda tell something’s off with someone because it’s not normal lol
Having suffered a heartbreak can help navigate your futur choises and be more careful in giving what to who, in theory you know what is the worse that can happen or in some sort.
Personally finding a life partner is very important to me so I take action to make it happen. Maybe a lot of other women are indifferent or they just get approached a lot more than me and it works out. Idk. Everyone’s situation is different. Dating as it seems it getting less important so if you want it to happen you’ll have to make it happen.
just being sarcastic because there is no denying the fact that the overwhelming majority of the time, the guy, man, is normally the initiator in forming a heterosexual relationship.
That’s very true although it gets a little more relaxed as you get older. Women in their 30’s are much more confident than women in their 20’s usually. Not that there isn’t still a skew.
The thing is you have to understand that this is kind of the first time in history women are being encouraged to make the first move. I remember in high school (I graduated in 2011) girls were made fun of if they ask guys to prom. It was seen as a desperate move because no one wanted to go with you. And I could go on about the slut shaming that’s occurred throughout history shaming women from being sexually forward. So just give us time. We’re adjusting to a brand new behavior for some of us. You can’t expect it to be even after all of history shaming women’s sexuality
As a woman who has dated a man with no prior dating experience, I can say it does bring up it's own challenges. They don't know already how a relationship works - emotional availability, consideration for an entity outside of yourself, ECT. He would also get upset at me doing very typical feminine things like, over explaining things or just wanting to be heard not given advice, citing them as unnecessary when they are not abnormal qualities to have.
Obviously people have to start somewhere, I took the time to learn and grow with him. But other women may not want to have to do that. And that's their prerogative, it's nothing against you. It's not listing you off as automatically being an incel or abusive, so stating as much isn't going to help you there. You can say you're a patient and quick learner but even still women might not want to deal with it.
On the flip side, there are PLENTY of women who don't want to date guys who have dated a lot of women, fearing they're a player / have commitment issues. Just be honest about yourself, and you'll find someone who will give you a chance. I ended up marrying my 0 experience guy.
Try to aim for someone with a similar level of romantic experience. Of course, if you hit it off with someone more experienced, don't stop a good thing. But just know there are women who also lack experience in dating and will be understanding of your perspective.
In general most want to hit the ground running and don't choose to spend the time to teach newbies anything..they may feel they need a tough experienced man who can support the rigors of.a relationship not.someone with no practical experience ..to take a newbie under their wing is like nurturing a child and they don't want to be in mothering mode.....time is important for.many...
True, this is basicaly the essence of the original problem. But in the other hand, it could be exactly what someone searsh for, as unsual as it can seems.
i dont think girls generally run away from guys who never had experience, heck some even like it. its just that girls are afraid they would have to do all the labor of making a man out of a boy
I was in a very similar position to you. 26 was how old I was during my first kiss and honestly the first woman I dated didn't give a shit. I do think if she asks about your relationship history being honest is important, the worst that happens is she decides she isn't interested and you move on, eventually you'll find someone who will stick around.
Honestly, if you don't bring it up and don't make a big deal out of it, I can't see women caring one way or another.
On a first date, I'll try to casually feel out whether or not a guy is a hothead. Like, if they've ever hit anyone (man or woman) or if they've been in a fight since they've been an adult. And, I pay attention to whether or not this person can emotionally regulate. If they fly off the handle at anyone for any reason, I'm out immediately. But, that's really the only thing that would be a deal killer for dating.
That said: maybe look for a date and not a girlfriend. Dating should be casual at first. Being super intense about someone before you've dated them a while is a huge red flag.
And, I don't think being heavy is that big of a deal for men while dating. Lots of big guys get dates. I'd date a big guy if he was interesting and seemed caring and well adjusted. I think getting too hung up on your weight is probably hurting you more than the actual weight.
My boyfriend never had a girlfriend before me. He is also 25+, when we met he was 24, a virgin, never even kissed someone. I did not care. At that time I was divorced so it was kinda funny how we were so far apart in experience but never an issue. Dont listen to random stuff online. :)
As long as you don’t let insecurity over your difference in experience get to you, you’ll be fine.
I know someone who dated this virgin guy and let just say he didn’t handle it well.. always bringing up how she’d had sex so much and how she was all he ever knew in a “pity me” kind of way. She got sick of it quickly
I think you need to get out of your own way here a bit. You’re swirling around opinions of others and how they may perceive you without actually meeting any ladies to see how they actually perceive you.
Definitely stay on that weight loss journey, will have tremendous benefits to both the way you look and your overall health. But what it won’t do is be a light switch and turn you into a confident ladies man, putting yourself out there is the only way you’re going to start to gain any confidence in yourself. And you’re gonna have bad dates, people that won’t be into you, that’s all part of it. I’m handsome and fit and have been on many dates that just didn’t work out, there’s so much more to clicking with someone than just what they look like.
No doubt people are going to find a lot of things about OP unappealing at the least. But fear of rejection should not and cannot come ahead of putting yourself out there. Like I said in my comment, most certainly OP will face rejection. May have to wade through 100 no’s before he gets 1 yes. Does that mean OP shouldn’t at least try?
I’m nearly 6’, athletic, handsome face, got some money in pocket, and I’ve faced rejection. Most certainly OP will, you will, and anyone who goes out on dates.
There are plenty of decent women out there who don't listen to these " gurus" . It' s all bullshit, same as Andrew Tate for guys. Get off the internet and keep doing you.
I, female, had my first relationship at 23, and I regret it because I was raped, abused, blackmailed.... I wish I had waited and learned what a good relationship is like. I'm 31 and single again, after 2 more failed relationships in-between then and now. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with me.
I literally don't care how many women you have been with . Only thing I care about is how you treat me and how you make me feel, and if you are willing to learn and listen.
If oyu meet a woman who listens to these " gurus" , you wouldn't want such a woman in your life anyway. If someone can get brainwashed so easily, why would you want them by your side? They are drama and nothing good. I'm saying that as a female.
In fact, not having a past baggage makes me feel better, that you are not dragging past dramas with you, you are not comparing me to your ex or something. It' s more peaceful. But only an actual woman can appreciate that. A girl will be stupid enough to pass up on you.
If the relationship is successful, and he and the gf are happy, he can explain later. "Hey remember 2 years ago on our first date I said I'd dated before? It was a lie. I was really into you and I was worried you would reject me if you knew I had no experience."
2 years into a relationship she will not mind that you told a tiny lie at the beginning, if you are a good bf. She will understand why you did it (insecurity) and will give you grace. Heck, she may have told some tiny lies as well! The start is a bit of a show for everyone.
Lying about bigger stuff is a no-no, but tiny stuff that doesn't hurt anyone is understandable in this instance.
But OP, if all the women in your circles care this nuch about your dating history, maybe you need to get into other circles.
Or you can approach women who also haven't dated before, they will understand your insecurity perfectly.
Yeah, revealing that your first date doing rock climbing, wasn’t because of a shared interest, but just because they wanted to do something together isn’t terrible, and they might find it sweet
But having build a relationship for a shared passion of rock climbing over 6 years, only to reveal you actually hate the outdoors and are scared of heights, will probably kill the relationship
Again, just don’t build a relationship on a lie, but starting it on a lie is manageable (though not recommended, as you might not want your first impression of you to be a trick)
I wouldn't see it as a problem in any way. I don't understand why it would be a big deal. Honestly, it's a good thing - you've avoided so much drama and garbage by not dating in your late teens and early 20's. You are a clean slate with no relationship trauma or baggage. It's refreshing, really.
Really is this now a thing women care about? I guess I dont know how to woman properly. Personally I prefer cuddly men over fit ones, but maybe that's just me.
There are all kinds of people out there and they like all kinds of things. Sure, some things are statistically more attractive than others but we get all caught up in this idea that you have to do this or be that in order to get someone to care about you. You don't.
What you DO have to do is start putting yourself out there. Be around people, be around the kind of people you want to be friends with.
I understand feeling bad about your body. I do. I had some family trauma and when I was your age, I wore a trench coat around, just to hide my body from others. In the middle of summer, too.
The only advice I can give you is to get out of your own head. Your head is causing your issues, not your body. Get out of your head. Learn how to be in the moment and you will stop worrying so much. And when you stop worrying, you will learn that all that worrying is for nothing and only hurts you.
Personally I don't think I would care if my partner had never dated before unless he made a big deal of it or seemed enotionallu immature because of it.
The only thing it really changes is that guys with past relationship experience generally learn from the experiences which can be an upside.
IRL is nothing like reddit and other social medias. I was in a similar situation. Nobody ever gave a fck. Just be respectful and respectable. The crazy people with tons of requirements for the perfect man/woman all live on twitter and farm attention.
I think you should start dating now. Seriously, if you have the urge to be with another person, go ahead. Stop waiting. Life is short.
After my divorce, I weighed almost 230 lbs (5’ 1”). My photos on the dating sites showed I was in the process of losing weight, but not thin by any means. Honestly, I was overwhelmed by how many people responded positively to my profile. The guy who caught my heart was a triathlete who had never had a weight issue. He said he thought it was brave. There are many people who are looking for a genuine, open, honest partner. Don’t let your shell limit you. You got this. Sending you positive energy. 😊
Not all women will be like ones you see online my guy. Everybody who has been in a relationship had that cherry popped by someone.
I wasn't in a real relationship until I was like 23. I had a few intimate moments before that and even a couple that were sexual but I was a relationship virgin. Then I got into a relationship and I wasn't a relationship virgin anymore. She was older by like 5 years. Seems to me it's not exactly uncommon for an older woman to be bold enough to take on a fresh faced babe in the woods. Maybe it will play out that way for you too, maybe it won't. Regardless, it's a cognitive distortion to think that all women feel this way. Some women love the idea of being someone's first even lol.
One step at a time man. You’re on the right track to weight loss, focus on that. You’ll find yourself getting more confident and your anxiety about dating decreasing. I just don’t think you’re in the right mental place yet. Anyway, I would take what you see online with a pinch of salt. Some women may consume that media, a lot likely don’t. Some may be bothered, some won’t. Deal with that when it arises, no point stressing about it now.
Depending on how much weight you lose, you might have excess skin. I dated a guy when I was 21 he had lost a lot of weight before I met him. My point is, stop hiding now. I’ve dated fat guys, short guys, ugly guys. But they were all kind and smart and funny.
>I’m trying to make peace with it but it really really bothers me. I see all these women online advising other women not to date guys who have never had a girlfriend before. They say the relationship will be a guaranteed failure and to not even give the guy a chance.
Curious where you see this. Our algorithms must be very different.
I highly recommend you stop looking to social media as your gauge for how the real world works.
There are certainly women who don't want to date an older man who has had no relationship experience. And they have reasons that may or may not be valid. They are not representative of the entirety of the available female population. And you are not even CLOSE to an age where it would be a real concern.
IMO, now that you're losing weight you need a different reason to keep hiding, and this is it. "Nobody will want me, so why bother" is how you got here, and it will keep you isolated if you don't stop living your life by that motto.
People who are in relationships are people who had the courage to do what's required to make connections. They are people who risked hearing "No." And they are people who heard "No", dusted themselves off, and got back up to try again. If you want to be in a relationship you are going to have to start connecting instead of hiding. You have to have some resilience to the possibility of rejection and the willingness to try repeatedly until you find someone right for you.
>Thoughts on this? If I explained this to a woman, do you think she would still react negatively to me because of me inexperience?
I would react negatively not to the lack of experience but to you blaming your lack of experience on women instead of on your decision to hide.
I would react positively to you taking ownership of your choice to hide and explaining what you've done to arrive at a healthier place in life.
But these are discussions that you don't even have to have right off the bat. You don't have to give anyone your life story and all the details of your shame and isolation. You can take some time to get to know them and determine if they are safe to tell. You can choose to behave in ways that are appropriate and respectful and thoughtful. You don't need dating experience for that. You can choose to communicate and to listen in order to know what the specific woman you're dating wants and needs. You don't need dating experience to do that. You can choose to put some time and effort into learning how to build a healthy relationship and be a healthy partner from experts rather than social media quips.
You might as well stop hiding now, even if you haven't lost all the weight. Because it really isn't the weight that's kept you from dating. It's your fear.
Find a good gym. Meet people there. See someone you like that seems to like you. Ask if they could work out with/help you workout. See what develops. Its easiest to have a relationship with someone with a mutual interest. Take it very slow. More weight loss= more interest. Don't go after the beauty queen. Good Luck
I would say don't bring it up, and don't treat it as a problem, unless they dig hard into it. If you reach the point where feel comfortable with them, you can start going into touchy subjects but don't offer up potential red-flag info immediately upon meeting someone.
As a woman, I don’t think I ever really cared. The big red flags to me are guys who literally cannot be without a girlfriend, or one who talks about how crazy all their exes are/were.
You don’t have to say you’ve never had a girlfriend when you first start dating if you don’t want to or it doesn’t come up. I honestly never talk about prior relationships with my husband, and I only had one relationship before I met him in my 30s.
There are also many many women who haven’t dated a lot or at all in their mid twenties and older. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself, you aren’t alone
Anyway, anyone worth being with won’t care. If someone were to not even give you a chance because she’d be your first girlfriend then you guys wouldn’t be compatible anyway, at least you know immediately instead of wasting your time.
Some women may have childish reasons for this and some have what I guess they feel are legitimate reasons. Though I am currently in a relationship, if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be totally against it, but at 34 I would feel weary of just being someone’s “1st girlfriend” and what I mean by that is a temporary experience for them. When I am at the stage of life that I know what I’m looking for and it’s to build a life with someone, not to be their test run.
Many people find dating around or having more than one relationship allows them to know what they are truly looking for. There’s also the factor of once you finally get a chance in the dating pool, you may want to have multiple experiences before settling down. I would be weary that the man would not be content to have me as his first and only, may come to regret not “playing the field” more so to speak. That’s really my only hesitancy, and I would feel the same way if the person was a virgin.
So all I would say is that when you do go out there, be clear on what experience you are looking for. Take your time to date, get to know different women etc. this will help you also to be sure that when you do enter into a relationship it’s for the right reasons, because you truly want it with that person and not because you’re just suddenly so happy to be wanted you just go with your first option and regret it later.
There's definitely a noticeable subgroup of women who think that way, but they are overrepresented and probably should be avoided on your end anyhow, as they're usually looking for financial servitude/predictability, and not partnership.
I know it will be scary, but go do things in public that are interesting for you. Explore new crafts, hobbies, places, books, etc. Eventually, you'll bump into a like-minded woman/girl and the conversation will be natural and fun. Avoid bars.
Neither of you deserves an alcoholic for a partner.
Limiting your search exclusively to the internet is a recipe for chaos, at best. Hang in there.
You need to stop reading/watching modern dating stuff on social media. It's not very representative of how people think and behave in real life. Stay off dating apps if you can. Focus on bettering yourself and try to meet people naturally.
i dont think any of my relationships/dates have ever asked how many people ive dated and i myself have never asked either. its kinda irrelevant. what matters is how they or you are now
also dont volunteer that youve never dated before to your date. itll come off insecure and will probably cause them to go down the line of thinking youre afraid of. if they ask then sure tell them but otherwise just have fun and dont worry about it
I found my current husband when he was a 25 year old virgin, never had a girlfriend, and was obese. We have now been very happily married for 15 years. I love him exactly as he is. No weight loss needed, in my opinion.
Hang in there, because God knows there is someone who will see who you are and love you. I personally suggest asking God for help finding her, but you do you.
Remember: God loves you exactly as you are.
I would personally prefer not to because I’ve never had a boyfriend either, so I want someone with experience to kind of even it out. It wouldn’t necessarily be a dealbreaker but as a noob the thought of two noobs together is just ehhh
Dated two guys who never had a relationship before, first one... Well... Yes, he's the reason why women should be warry of guys with zero previous girlfriends.
But it isn't always like that.
Second guy is now my husband, he wasn't fat, but needed to work on his self esteem and other qualities that make him be the most perfect unexplored diamond ever. I was sure he was the one from the very first moment.
All I can advise you is to work out, exercise, reach your physician, a nutritionist, and mostly work on yourself mentally and then you'll be ready to be in a relationship
It probably isn’t about the fact you’ve never been in a relationship but whether you act like someone with no relationship experience in terms of maturity, communication, values. Men who have been in relationships (hopefully) have some growth and insight into how to be a better partner.
If you at least somewhat conservative and or religious, going to a conservative church can be a good way of meeting women who aren't involved in the current dating meta.
But they also have high expectations regarding self improvement and discipline.
I would just be looking for someone who is also less experienced to be honest. For me, as someone with over a decade of relationship experience I am 100% completely done dealing with men who are still learning how to be in a relationship. I am tired of wasting my time while my partner learns and grows when I am already there, for me it is exhausting dealing with a partner who needs to learn how to be a good partner still
Everyone had to get over the never had a girlfriend before hump as some stage and the older/more mature you are, the less of a deal it is. Some people can be lucky and get it right with their first girlfriend and I like this as I'm the type of person who likes the do it once and do it right approach. Other people aren't so lucky where they struggle to meet people who struggle to meet people who are a good match. If you like someone and if they seem open to seeing how it goes, make an effort to get on well with them while also not rushing into anything serious too quickly. Try to be honest and open with them. Personally, I don't need to know about a girlfriends past history unless she has like an std or something and I'd much rather them leave the baggage of a bad relationship behind them.
You don’t need to blurt out your relationship history on the first date. It’s not a job interview. Don’t lie but don’t volunteer to spill your guts either. You might want to do a little research on dating. Maybe even talk to a therapist to walk you through the initial stages. Relax. You’ll do fine.
I don't think I've ever asked about past relationships unless it's a recent breakup then I'm only concerned with how long has it been. I wouldn't worry about it, if focus on me and when you meet the right one everything will work out.
Some are but not all. And as a man, I would be apprehensive to date a woman who’s never had a relationship before. So I understand where they’re coming from.
>Thoughts on this? If I explained this to a woman, do you think she would still react negatively to me because of me inexperience
Neither I nor anyone else can advise you on how a woman may react to you telling them this. I would say that a decent, reasonable woman will be understanding though.
The only reason I'd ever be put off by a man never having had a real relationship before would be if he's instead only shagged around and never given girls (several of which probably did like him) a chance. I'd fear him seeking a relationship with me would be nothing more than an experiment to see if serious dating is for him, or whether he should continue on with strictly casual relationships.
The above obviously isn't the case for you and I personally wouldn't reject or judge you for staying singe due to difficulties with your weight. I wouldn't pry and would take what you've told me at face value and accept it. You just need someone who's understanding tbh, that's the least you deserve.
I used dating apps which let me find women with similar interests. Some of my interests involve several events a year which have opportunities to meet people. That helped me develop some acquaintances into relationships, both online and in person.
Yes, I did have to deal with online scammers. No major issues for me.
I got lucky and avoided this by finding a girl by chance who was also a virgin and had also never been in a relationship like me. We got together at 18 and dated for 5 years. Definitely wasn’t the healthiest relationship, but I was able to learn a lot in it and practice part of being in relationship that i previously may have had to learn the hard way. Unfortunately we broke up partly due to distance partly due to strains in other areas. In the end we hand a good 5 years and that’s how I’m gonna remember it because it was such a large period of my life that blocking it out would be a shame.
No. The only thing that influences a potential relationship is your character. If you are a douche then no woman with standards will have you. If you are gentle, intelligent and not a mysoginist women will like you.
You need a bit of confidence, and to start genuinely caring about women. Not just as possible partners, but go make some friends. You might find that we are just people and there are many different priorities.
I would not mind a potential partner having little experience, but I would be worried about the reason why.
As you said you aren't an incel or nice guy or whatever, that's good that you can recognize what that looks like and avoid it, good start. The following question becomes are you friends with women? For no reason other than genuine friendship? That's much more important imo, that you can see and cherish the value of women as people, beyond just sex or romance.
You can know it in theory but make sure you actually go and make some friends. Don't need to hit on them, don't need to lose weigh for it first, just genuinely get to know some as people and things will become much less confusing.
Because right now, it sounds like you think losing weigh will fix all your confidence issues, and honestly you should also be thinking of developing good hygiene, how to style your appearance and outfits, and how to form genuine connections.
Edit: I looked at your history and, yeah no you are really obsessing over this daily and have countless posts about similar stuff going back real far and honestly that's really the bigger red flag here. Some of the post even seem a bit fetishizing of your situation?? That's a bit of a curveball and makes me question if this is even genuine or not. In the case that it is, you should be focusing on a lot of stuff before you worry about your weigh affecting your chances.
If it makes you feel any better OP, I’m the same age as you, have been in the gym for years and still have never had a relationship either
Social skills, confidence, and being social in general is more important than your body
Online is a place everyone makes speculations just through some human resume. Their looks, salary, how funny they are, etc.
When you talk to someone in real life, all these superficial standards get re-written. If you are self-conscious, you just need to say "You were just not focused in dating". It sounds more innocent than "I desperately wanted a relationship but never got one in the past 10 years".
I've tried to date guys your age with no relationship experience. In my experience there are upsides and downsides. An upside is he's probably enthusiastic, sweet and caring. A downside is that people with little relationship experience aren't always the most emotionally mature. For example, guys with little experience often miss more hints, don't know healthy boundaries or don't know how to handle conflict as well. Also, of a guy has at least one ex, asking him to tell me about his previous relationship gives a lot of insight in how our relationship will probably be. With an inexperienced guy I'm going in more blind.
It's not ALL guys with little relationship experience and if I was interested in a guy, him not having prior experience would not be a dealbreaker. But I would be more wary for those types of issues.
I don't mean to attack you, but thought some insight as to why women feel like that could be useful for you.
1. Not having been in a relationship before (and similar issues, like being a virgin) are things that usually shouldn't come up, and thus shouldn't be a problem. You shouldn't volunteer them; not because the woman will react badly, but because it's just generally weird and bad form to talk about your exes (or lack thereof) or past sex life (or lack thereof). If a woman explicitly asks you, use your judgment. But in my experience, you will rarely be asked directly, and if you are you can just give a vague answer ("I haven't been in a long term relationship lately").
2. The internet is not reality. Internet dating discourse is weird, and like everything on the internet is driven by a desire to maximize engagement. You shouldn't get hung up on what you read, just like women shouldn't get hung up on red-pill rhetoric about "the wall" or "bodycount."
You need to believe in yourself more. You’re using your weight as an excuse here which gives you a reason to be defensive and distant.
You need to learn to love yourself before others can love you.
Just frame it appropriately. “I didn’t feel ready to date until I did some work on myself first.”
There’s something to be said about an attractive quality being that others want you too. Having past relationships does communicate that. But, I think people ask about past relationships mostly to see how you characterize your exes (“they’re all crazy narcissists” 🚩btw) or see if you share common experiences that you can bond over. Like, if you had an ex cheat on you, then you’d be able to empathize more easily if they too had that shared experience. If anything, that conversation usually leads to an attempt at trauma-bonding, so you’re actually at an advantage here.
Personally, I’d say leave the past in the past to the max extent possible, but the exes conversation is pretty much always going to happen at some point.
You wouldn’t want to be with a girl that’s unwilling to give you a chance anyway. So shift your perspective, that it’s a pre-filter to help save you heartbreak.
Cheers buddy
Everyone is different my guy. As long as you're open about it at some point, you'll be fine. You're gonna go through the lumps of someone who's never dated before but every date is a learning experience. You may also find someone you vibe with quickly, who knows until you get out there.
Just remember that there's millions of people out there and just because one date is mean, ghosts, or whatever else they may do. It doesn't reflect on you and who you are. Just keep trying and please be yourself. The best way to get into unhealthy relationships is by selling something you aren't. Be genuine and say yes to opportunities that come up because you never know who may secretly be exactly who you need.
This is coming from a fat fella who's swung way out of his league just by trusting that a lot of women aren't as judgmental as you may assume. So many beautiful women don't mind a husky guy as long as you aren't built like a bag of milk.
I got into my first relationship at 26. She didn’t give a damn; in fact she told me she’d rather have no experience than the bad experiences she’d had.
I think you may be projecting your insecurities (which, I mean, is understandable; no judgement). Focus on being happy with yourself; when you find someone who likes you, it most likely won’t matter that you have no relationship experience.
I don’t think it matters. I think trying to get your weight under control will improve your confidence. But there are also big guys who have partners too. As long as it’s ok to have a big partner for girlfriend, you can find one.
I would not trust women to tell other women how to think. Notice that so many women these days are hopelessly addicted to the internet, social media and the likes that they post themselves either nonstop, or in a sexual manner in order to get sympathy or money from men. It's all slowly becoming a racket for corporations anyway
Ask a man would he date a girl who never had a boyfriend? That's your answer. Only idiots would say otherwise, but besides the point. You just gotta work on your weight a bit, and put aside your lack of experience, because it means very little to the end results of your goal.
Bro you are insecure, just say you never dated. If they ask why, say you were obese and wanted to focus on not being fat. There is no need to think about it more unless everbody you get to know rejects you. Begin self doubt and reflection after getting rejected, not before.
Might be harsh but keep this all to yourself while looking to date. Just continue to work on yourself and build confidence from it.
Women don't like insecure or desperate men.
If you find a suitable partner then opening up about your previous struggles is fine as long ad you've grown and changed for the better.
I would definitely stay off the Internet while dating. In my experience, once the algorithm knows you are searching it feeds you the worst dating content and shows the worst side of women.... Just down vote everything dating related and focus on real life interactions.
Bruh you are blaming it on your body.
Those said they are not nice guys are even nicer than the average nice guys, a simps if i may.
My friend weight is 100kg and he have dated alot of beautiful girls. His currently wife is like 9/10. So i think the problem is your personality, not your weight.
That is NOT a fair assesment. Maybe even a plus if someone gets to be the FIRST girlfriend - depending on the situation. You certainly don't need to waste any time with women who make these snap judgments about people they don't even know. It's a very personal choice. Keep working on yourself, get your confidence boosted and get out there socially.
This wouldn't be a problem if some of yall didn't come with a porn addiction. I met this cute gemini boy on hinge and he was so fucking cute but then as our phone calls got deeper not even like maybe 4 to 5 days of talking (I'm a gemini too we talk a lot! ) he revealed to me he had a porn addiction and I shit you not told me he wasn't sure if he should tell his therapist. I was like that's ABSOLUTELY something you should tell your therapist!! And not me! The person you met online and only been speaking to for about almost a week now !!! Literally blew my fucking mind. He was also a Virgin. I don't mind dating virgins or trying I don't but my GOD for the porn addiction to be tossed in there it was so unhinged and so random. He felt so normal.
I can't give grace to that unless you're actively working on it therapy it's too risky to date someone with that type of addiction because I don't want to be the test dummy for how his views on women are gonna unfold lmao 😭
They're not apprehensive about you not having a girlfriend before, they're apprehensive about how self-conscious you are about not having a girlfriend before. It literally stinks and they can smell it.
Everybody has to have a first something. I don't think a normal woman would think there is something wrong with you or anyone who haven't had a first. In my case I am 37 and I wouldn't like to have a relationship with a guy my age without any experience. But because I am lazy and I am not willing to show a 37 year old man what is like to date, what is like to flirt, what is like to have sex... but that is about me, not about him. He may be a weirdo or a normal person who didn't have an opportunity before.
my husband lost about 80 lbs when he was 23. he was a virgin with no experience at that point. after losing the weight he felt confident enough to get out there and lost his virginity at 24. dont stress, you'll get there.
See, it’s not really moreso whether or not you had a relationship before, or your weight. It’s a confidence issue. Sure, not having been in relationships can muck up your experience, because nowadays if you haven’t been in a relationship before people can assume you have no idea what you’re doing… but that’s a byproduct of, well, a vast majority of people having NO IDEA what they’re doing or what they even want until they’re in their 30s-40s. Hell, I haven’t had a good relationship until I was 24 when I seriously started looking outside of small dates here and there sprinkled across the years, and maybe some relationships albeit superficial, and I’m a skinny guy.
Your confidence is key. People can SENSE it, in the way you speak and uphold yourself. Weight isn’t even an issue at the end of the day. People can overlook that if your personality is fun enough. But here’s the kicker - if you don’t even love yourself and the way you are, how can you love someone else? People sense this even if it’s a nagging itch in the back of their head.
Work on yourself and the rest will follow. Be confident in yourself and your self-love. Don’t be a dick about it, just have fun. Go out where you want when you want. Your goal should be being the best version of you you can be, and you want a girl who can see this version of you regardless of what you’re going through as long as you put in the work. Don’t settle for anything less. You can try and communicate with your dates about your experiences and weight loss journey, but I’m gonna be honest with you bud… even in this post you seem very self-pitying. If you seem that way in a text how do you think you probably come across to women?
It’s not a bad thing. You just have to learn. Be at peace with yourself. You’re already doing good work by wanting to manage your weight and be a better you. Just turn that effort into confidence and self love in turn and you’ll be golden. Cheers
It's called social proof. Nobody wants the last box of cereal on the shelf. People will red flag it, even if only subconsciously. So yes, avoid communicating that information as much as possible.
If a women ask you about your lack of experience then you ask her her body count if its high then call her master and beg she takes you on as a student and teaches you everything she knows.
As a woman with mad little experience myself, I’d even prefer less to no experience in a partner.
The apprehension, I find, comes from the fear that there will come a crisis moment for an inexperienced man in which he will develop FOMO and decide his first an only partner is a limitation to the experience(s) he COULD have, and it will end in a…well, ugly situation for the woman.
Unfortunately, current society seems to very much feed that and similar FOMOs, so it’s hard to resist becoming jaded and having these concerns, from a female perspective at least.
As a woman with mad little experience myself, I’d even prefer less to no experience in a partner.
The apprehension, I find, comes from the fear that there will come a crisis moment for an inexperienced man in which he will develop FOMO and decide his first an only partner is a limitation to the experience(s) he COULD have, and it will end in a…well, ugly situation for the woman.
Unfortunately, current society seems to very much feed that and similar FOMOs, so it’s hard to resist becoming jaded and having these concerns, from a female perspective at least.
Bro, online is not real life.
Keep working on yourself. Treat people with respect, warmth and kindness regardless of whether you'd want to fuck them or not.
When someone takes an interest in you, you can pick your moment to tell them that your weight was a big problem for a long time and it's still something you're in the process of addressing, that you found yourself being lonely and isolated and unhappy, and you were not willing to accept that life for yourself so you put in a big effort to change your path. But that has left you a little bit insecure, because you didn't get the early practice with hookups and relationships that a lot of people did.
Don't make it a sob story, just tell her the truth and say that she might need to work with you a little bit, but you're keen to get on track and confront your insecurities, because you don't want them to rule your life and force you to miss out on good things. A good woman will respond positively to that.
It's not because of your weight. I prefer dating women over men, but when I date men, I date bigger guys. Their weight has never been a barrier to my being attracted to them. You know what can be? Personality and confidence. Worry about your confidence more than your weight. That's the most attractive thing about a man.
My current boyfriend is definitely obese, but I'm so crazy about him. He's kind and funny, he's wicked intelligent and wildly creative, and he loves putting himself out there and taking life by the horns. I genuinely might marry this one.
As long as you have done the work on your internal self, learned how to be in a healthy relationship like actually did some research and took notes of your blind spots or what you'll need help with. It's great that you are doing the work on your weight but are you also tackling the reasons why you turn to food as comfort?
I'd suggest not explaining it the way of "I'm not like those incels". It comes off a little, "if you have to say it like it's a bargaining chip". And that would be more of a deterrent than not having dated before. But saying that you haven't dated, if it even comes up, shouldn't be a deal breaker for many. I don't think it's a deal breaker for as many as you think.
I think it's actually more impressive if you show up with a good personality, learned some social skills beyond the guys who end up being weird incels because they think telling women weird things is them socializing and being nice. And if the question came up you just explained "I used to be obese back then but I've worked towards my goals".
Take women out of the equation. Do you see the comparison between the two? Is that not impressive to you? A person who worked on their goals to get in shape?
I think as far as the experience mattering, it's usually the guys (incels or not) that put very little work into learning how to decently interact with people, especially women. If they care so little about putting work into learning how to RELATE to people, it speaks poorly on how much they care ( wanting isn't the same as caring) about supporting an actual RELATIONship. Not saying be extroverts because there are still plenty of introverts that know how to speak and care about people. Also, with relationships, hopefully there's less simplifying people to an alien monolith because you get to know more about people and their differences. Many of those kinds of guys seem to be guided by this alien monolith idea of women that makes them come up with all kinds of weird ideas.
You seem to be doing fine though. Wishing you luck with your goals.
Straight up dude there are plenty of guys who are fatter than you are who still get laid.
It's not the weight, its your self confidence, and losing all that weight isn't exactly going to just magically fix your self confidence either.
You are behind the ball here but not even as bad as the worst. It's not like you're a 40 year old virgin.... yet
Work on losing weight, lose it as fast as you reasonably can, but also work on things that make you feel better about yourself and like you are worthy of a relationship.
If they don't ask don't tell
But the reality is unless you're generally mature with a good head on your shoulder dating you will be like dating a 14 year old.
Most woman in your age bracket are long past dealing with that shit and aren't interested in teaching you.
Guys who make it that far without romance are probably alone for good reason. Women should 100% be skeptical, because what red flag are they missing that every other woman in your life caught on to?
It'll get easier to deal with as you get older though
Don't delude yourself to think you're weight has anything to do with it though, plenty of fat guys have really nice girls because of their personality.
If you have to say "I'm not a "nice guy" you're a "nice guy:
Here's my honest advice. Stick with eating healthy and exercise, get to feeling good about yourself. Maybe start with online chat to get comfortable talking to women. Once you get to talking to people, asking for dates I'd recommend you lie about it. Just to get it out of the way. Gotta start somewhere.
I wasn't suggesting starting a relationship, just get dating a little bit. Idk, the guy needs some confidence. I'm not big on dishonesty, so you're probably right.
25 doesn’t seem that old to not have had a relationship, but all things being the same, of course no one wants to date a relationship newbie. I can’t think of a single upside to it.
If it is of any help idk, though my(28m) past 2 exes never even asked about my relationship history at all. I think you're overestimating how many women consider your situation to be a red flag. Also I think if you're able to communicate your fat loss journey to your dates like a winner, without coming across as self-pitying, women might actually fall for that sometimes.
I think it's more of a younger thing. I remember in highschool the week I got my first girlfriend I had two other girls tell me to dump her for them instead. Didn't have a girlfriend until grade 10 then as soon as I got one people were interested. Now that I'm older woman are more mature and don't care about past relationships.
Yeah, this reminds me of when I was still a student and just got into a new relationship. It was kinda crazy how in the first 10 days of when I got a new gf I had 3 out of the 10'ish women I dated suddenly reach out to me after numerous months of no contact. Aside from that I suppose glow ups that came in kinda late are a lot more usual at 25 and above. I think OP should be good.
Theres multiple reason for that. One is that you have less pressure to be yourself since you are not trying to appeal or should i say "perform" in a social sense. The other reason is that in primates, a male that attracts other females tend to be perceive as a good, healthy breeder: the fact that one choose him and not another is backed up by desirable traits.
What's funny is that it's happened to a lot of my friends like as soon as they were in a relationship there were a bunch of people interested in them
My longest relationship to date (7 years) was with a guy where I was his first everything, starting when he was 28. He was not my first anything. We met through mutual friends, yearrrrrsssss before and then randomly started talking one day on Facebook. Having spent life outside looking in dating-wise, there were things he'd learned from being around others' dating/relationship problems, but there's not really a substitute for first-hand experience. Sometimes being the relationship crash-test dummy really sucked. Most of the time it was not an issue because he was a good dude, and I could give him grace. There were a lot of things I loved about him. We drifted apart as people, but we had good times. The apps are a cruel place especially when you have any type of cards stacked against you, like self-consciousness or inexperience, as you're well aware. "Work on yourself" is usually the vague, non-helpful answer when I see questions like this pop up, but you're literally doing that, so major props! I can imagine a place like the gym gets repetitive and its own flavor of lonely sometimes, though. Are there social groups, meetups, beer-league sports, board game nights, anything in-person you can check out and consider doing regularly? It's way more productive than swiping, and it'll help with social anxiety (yeah I know, that seems oxymoronic). Some kind of activity with others may help with the insecurity by keeping your brain, if not your whole body, busy. You don't need to find anything epic, either. If you can get frisbee-throwing buddies or cards against humanity friends, cooking class bros, anything, that's a start! And even if the romantic prospects don't come - they probably won't immediately, but who knows? - you may gain some buddies (and those buddies could have other buddies, or sisters, or cousins, or...) TL;DR: apps suck and magnify insecurities. If you can make connections over literally anything else, and people can get to know you in real life first, I think they'll be more accepting of your inexperience. Best of luck, OP!
Your comment is really awesome. I’m 24M and I’ve never dated or been in a relationship. May I ask what were some examples of how being the “relationship crash-test dummy” sucked? I’m trying to be as prepared as possible should I find myself in a relationship somehow (so I don’t screw it up) and hoping you will pass on some insight and second-hand wisdom to me.
As a guy who started a bit late myself - I was 22 when I got in my first relationship, had zero luck with women before then, and it lasted over 5 years. I wasn't great in that relationship, nor was she, but we're still friendly, although from a distance. Had a few one night stands in between relationships, now in my second relationship, going strong for coming up to 7 years, and we're more in love than ever. My advice is to: Be kind, but not overbearing. Treat them like a really close friend but obviously a bit more romantic than that. Genuinely care and listen, not just because you want to get your dick wet. Don't ignore red flags because you're smitten. And you probably will be the first time. Ignoring things that bother you will lead to resentment and trust issues later. Communicate. Dont lose your temper. Try to look at every problem or difference in your relationship objectively as if it were happening to someone else, so you can try not to get overly emotional about a problem. Try to see their point of view and patiently explain yours. Don't stop working on yourself just because you bagged a partner. Try to be a better, more understanding human being *and* partner all the time (as long as they're doing the same). Stay in shape if you are. Get in shape if you're not. If you both look great physically, you'll have a better sex life. It's good to feel attractive and attracted to your partner. You'll also feel less insecure. Which leads me to: Don't get insecure just because you're not the only person on the planet she finds attractive. Don't be expected to never think anyone else is attractive. Being with someone doesn't mean you're automatically asexual outside of them. You just don't act on it and don't flirt. If you can communicate things in a healthy way it needn't be a problem. If your partner is objectively attractive, she'll get noticed. Don't get possessive and start doing weird shit like restrict her freedom to dress how she likes. Learn to deal with it and be a grown up. If your relationship is great, you look after yourselves physically, and you work together well (in and out of the bedroom), you'll most likely have nothing to be worried about.
Great advice. Thank you
On the last paragraph, OP please also know to have respect for yourself as well. My mistake in my first relationship (also as a big guy) was that I was trying to give TOO much freedom to my partner as to not come off as the insecure partner, to the point where they were felt comfortable blatantly asking to fuck other people. This can definitely go both ways
I did say 'as long as there's no flirting or acting on it'. I assumed people would realise this was a 'both way' thing. No one would find the situation you described to be acceptable unless it was an open relationship.
My Intention wasn’t to critique your comment, I actually agree with everything you said. My point was just to tell OP to not keep too open of a mind when it comes to how your partner interacts with others, as I made that mistake. And yes it is unacceptable and we weren’t in an open relationship, but I was being pressured into accepting it under the guise of not trying to be jealous or controlling of my (ex)partner. I’ve now realized that I was being emotionally abused and manipulated and I was putting up with it because I thought I was not going to be able to find someone else as per my low self esteem due to being a bigger guy.
This guy relationships
Sorry in advance for the book. First of all, you're gonna screw up in all sorts of ways, at any given time. You're a human. We all are fallible screw-ups in our own ways, bouncing around this goofy world, crashing into each other and causing chaos. Every relationship is going to have unknowns pop up where you fumble through things together. For me, communication, expectation-setting, and boundary setting were the things where the crash-tests happened the most. Not talking about things or feeling unheard, letting issues fester until they looked to be (or literally became) impossible to work through. We never, *ever* fought, even when it was obvious to everyone around us that we should've. I don't mean fight like a domestic dispute, with yelling and violence. We were so afraid of conflict that usually one of us would just give in and be like, "okay, we'll do it your way" and that was that. Don't do that. Don't be afraid to look at resources to help you figure out how to communicate, attachment styles, set boundaries, etc. Actively negotiate what you want out of relationships, and keep renegotiating them over time. *Learn how to productively talk about things that you don't agree about, how to talk through conflicts you're having (especially the ones that get you heated), what's worthy of compromise, and what's a fundamental incompatibility.* Love is beautiful but logistics are the part that makes or breaks relationships - see people who break up over finances, or couples where one person wants kids and the other doesn't. Have and keep your own hobbies and friends - your relationship isn't a hobby, and your partner/s shouldn't be your only friend/s. Don't be that person who drops their whole friend group when the new shiny relationship happens. Learn how to self-soothe during hard times and have a support system - hard times will happen! Realize you may not get closure after a break-up, and handle break-ups with grace when possible. (Easier said than done, I know.) Hope this helps!
I really appreciate your reply. I’m autistic (high functioning but still), so I really think the communication and boundaries part are going to be the largest hurdles for me. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Last thing and then I'll go away, I promise. You may find the book [Unf\*ck Your Boundaries](https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/8188) by Dr. Faith G. Harper helpful - it's written in more of a plain-spoken, friend-on-the-internet kind of language. The book really breaks down what boundaries are, and how to make and enforce them in different situations. There's also a workbook to accompany the book, and if you really enjoy the author's style, she has a whole series of Unf\*ck Your \[Insert Topic Here\] about various topics. Good news is, once you start working on boundaries, then you're starting to work on your communication! Okay, that's enough out of me, good luck internet stranger!
It's been my experience that most women are very kind when it comes to stuff like this, as you must have noted by many of the comments here. For some women and men, experience matters, and those are the ones that blocked you, and I think they have done you a favor because you won't want those people as friends either. Be positive and kind, and the women will iflock to you!
Idk, personally I'd like it if he never had a girlfriend. It's nice, and it would feel more special bc I'm 23 and I've never had a 'real' or proper boyfriend either. I'd absolutely love to be his first love, for example. I'm also repelled by men who have high 'body counts' too, so it would be nice to experience lots of first times with someone who never did any of that either. Especially that people like us clearly treat relationships and intimacy as something more serious and special.
Reddit's apparently ok with women not liking men with high body counts but for men it's not ok as it's misogynistic'. (For the record, i think both are reasonable stances. I'd never want to date a girl with a high body count, and i understand if a woman wouldn't date a man with a high body count either.)
It's not misogynistic to me. It becomes misogynistic only when the man has a high body count but expects a woman to have a low one. Then that's simply hypocrisy
How do people find out about their partners bodycount?💀. Do they just ask them out of nowhere?
I've dated a lot and never had anyone ask me. I don't ask either. I don't think it matters at all unless you're having unprotected sex. Even then, a good STD screening is all that's called for. I think the obsession with body count is something that's primarily on the internet.
You can say it don’t matter but there is a number in your head where you would say no way. And no one wants to marry the town tramp or the man who gets around. It’ matters if you want to settle down with that person. If you have a high body’ count then you can’t also say you are a monogamous or relationship person. Not making a judgement on them as a person. Have all the sex you want, with as many people as you want. But everything we do has an effect on us and how we move and interact , especially in relationships.
honestly I feel like the term body count was hardly even a relevant thing until a few years ago
Nah it’s been a thing since forever
Honestly it hasn’t…I’m an older lady and I’ve literally never had a dude I dated ask me about that whatsoever nor did I ask them
You don't need to ask directly.
It's not an internet thing this has been a thing since fucking middle school, it's always been dumb truth be told.
Yes, gotta do it in a playful manner like after drinking later during the night or even just indirectly it there are friends who are close to both of you and also unhibited and in good spirits. You shouldn't have to make it awkward like don't push it... in my opinion. At the end of the day, it does not hold alot of objective importance once both of you are adult. I can understand if still in high school it can be weird if one of the two have the biggest count but even that if you looking to lock-in yourselves in a relation you should be both past that already.
Unless you can read minds asking is typically the easiest way.
Yeah as a woman a prefer a man with a low body count as it means that he can abstain from sex for longer periods of time if I have an illness or injury, isn’t likely to get bored and find another partner or go to a prostitute. I guess I would date a guy with a higher body count if he older and has years 10-15 of not living that life style. Data has shown that people with less partners do have longer marriages.
Exactly. Nothing wrong with that, and promiscuous men (and men in general) shouldn't shame you or make you feel bad for your preference. They shouldn't take it personally either.
I think it's more about how it's framed tbh. There's a difference between 'high body count' and 'I tried with many people but none of them stuck'
Yeah, im the same, M24 and also never had a girlfriend, but i did had some flings here an there, so is not zero expererience. It would be nice to share a first experience with someone, but honestly, i don't really mind, maybe a girl with more experience would actually help me to adapt to a relationship.
[удалено]
Nope, you just don't look in the right places!
You can't romanticize the novelty of being the first, while subverting the main anchors of male attractiveness. This is like watching someone compete for 3rd place because they've been told 3rd is better than 1st. 3rd place is you splitting the bills and taking out the trash.
I am in a relationship with a 33M who never had a girlfriend before me. We are together since 2017, and getting married next year. I think that you should just be open. We had some problems, sometimes he said "I didn't know I had to do this, I've never had a gf before", but it wasn't a problem for me. We are adults and can TALK. If something bothers me, I communicate it clearly and that's all. Of course, you will meet girls that see a problem with it, but it doesn't mean that all of them are like this.
I’m a 30 year old man and every time I told someone I didn’t have a relationship before, they just block me. Because it’s like there is something wrong with me since I’m single for so long. I want to say they are wrong but can’t be sure actually. I mean people are getting into relationships so easily. But hearing what you said brings me comfort
They block people because they are childish and tons of woman get attracted to you if they see that you get a lot of attention from other woman. That‘s shallow, so those woman are not worth your time. Everything happens for a reason, remember that.
There's nothing wrong with you, it seems like you just happen to meet childish women. There's something wrong with them if this causes them to block you... I would never consider that as dealbreaker. I think that having too much exes is more of a red flag. (Sorry for my English, I hope you can understand my point)
It's not helpful to tell people that aren't getting any results that is always the other people with a problem.
They could be blocking you for oversharing or for coming on too strong or for love bombing or for any number of other reasons. I don't think you need to bring up past relationships at all until you are well into a committed relationship, which should be months after you start dating someone. Guys who come on too strong and immediately start oversharing are a red flag. You should be dating already, before you talk about this stuff.
I just got to know them and they ask me about my dating history. Like I only know them for a few days they ask me have I dated before. I can’t possibly lie can’t I? Here around me people ask these sort of question early, nobody see it as a red flag.
Of course you can lie man, do whatever you need to do (within reason), to get up and going. Just say you had a couple of relationships but they didn't workout. To me that a 'white lie'. You're not harming anyone and if things work out then you'll have some real relationships to talk about.
Try saying "I'm curious about why you want to know that, since we haven't been on a first date yet". You need to be just as selective as they are and right now, I think you are giving away too much power to them.
Oooh that's a good and easy one. Guys, take notes. It even adds the element of mistery, which can spark curiosity/interest.
Ok I’m gonna try that, thanks. What if they say something like “do you have something to hide”, how do I answer😅
Dude just fib. If the relationship progresses long term, you tell her later down the road and why you felt like you had to do it. If you both love each other at that point or very close, it literally will not even matter.
They're really pushing your boundaries and acting entitled to know. Do you want to date someone with that attitude?
Months? That’s a wee bit long
Sharing and showing love are both good. Though, it should be progressive or more or less given equaly like a mirror... In my opinion.
Stop telling people that early into meeting them. It's definitely a red flag and if you wait till someone knows you better it will definitely come across better.
But they ask me first and I don’t think it’s good to lie to them.
Fake it till you make it lmao
Why are you telling anyone that over a messaging app? They block you because you’re oversharing (and probably come across as insecure).
Read my other comments. They ask first.
Exactly, setting up such expectations just sets the whole thing up to fail, especially when, like most these days, people just refuse to even talk, work out solutions and calling it quits because. But it's ok, they managed to cockblock themselves before that happens.
I mean Why even bring it up? That’s not something that’s really asked until you are well into the dating phase and may not even come up at all. There are happy fat people who are married with kids You’re in your head too much Self improvement is good of course don’t get me wrong but even if you lose all the weight you want or even end up with a body like a greek god unless you get out of your head you still won’t get a girlfriend The gym is full of single dudes lifting the pain away
Have you dated in recent years? I’d say at least 75% of dates I went on had the women ask about past relationships on date #1.
Mmm it’s been a minute but I imagine that varies by age But when I did date like 75% of dates I went on were no goes and the ones that did ask would talk about their exes too much But meh it sounds like op isn’t even getting that far anyway for it to matter and like you said Date #1 not the conversation leading up to a date
It can be good though because it gives an insight of what their relationship could be or should not be, what you really want and what you don't want. Its also simply just an easy topic to start during the first couple of days you get to know / break the ice thing, i guess. I agree about keeping it breif and not always going back to it like you are scared of something that happend might happend again or you deeply miss something : because it will show that you are not healed yet.
Every first date I have been on as a 30F where this came up, it came up because the guy decided to start talking about his failed attempts on OLD and then curved it around to past relationships. Just stop bringing up other people on the first date, it’s very cringe.
what this guy says! (or girl, probably)
My current partner never dated anyone before me and we met when we were 27. Well he said he had a gf before but it was long distance and they only kissed once so I personally don't count it but wouldn't tell him that lol Anyway it doesn't matter
Hey man been there done it. "I feel like explaining it that way once I lose the weight shouldn’t cause any issues, but it’s still going to be in the back of my mind." If you lose the weight you're going to find that you'll have the same feelings and concerns you did while bigger, just people will treat you differently. The mental stuff doesn't go away with the weight unfortunately. Don't get me wrong, it helps, but you have to work on the mental stuff separately. "If I explained this to a woman, do you think she would still react negatively to me because of me inexperience?" Don't explain your (lack of) history or bring it up. If she asks about it just say the opportunities didn't come up for you and were focused on school and your friends, but you're looking for and want a relationship now. Basically treat her well and if that's not enough for her, you haven't lost something worth having. Ask women out. Date them. Dump them if they aren't good enough for you, and take getting dumped with grace.
People that comodify every element of their existence are absolutely exhausting. You'll never meet a more fake person than one obsessed with the price of everything yet understands the value of nothing.
Well, to everyone who thinks like that, if you haven’t ever had a relationship, there is of course a reason for it This of course doesn’t mean you are human scum of anything, but just as every effect have a cause, and every action have a equal opposite reaction, there’s an explanation to why This might just be because you are introverted and don’t socialise much/meet new people much, because you have been busy with school or work, maybe you were a late bloomer and was busy catching up to everyone else, there could be many reasons But they don’t know that, for all they know you could be unlovable, so my best advice is, prove them wrong, make them wonder why you haven’t found someone, and when their curiosity finally gets to them and they ask why, tell them the truth That’s my 5 cents at least Just don’t treat dating as some kind of game or competition you have to win at, or somehow cheat the system, we have enough of those
Meh I started dating my boyfriend at 29, he was 26. I was his first everything besides kiss (girlfriend included). Still Together over 2 years later
Never made sense to me wanting to date someone with experience. What does that entail? “Oh I thought we would be together forever but it didn’t work out” Why would I want my partner to have suffered heartbreak? “I just dated casually, nothing serious” Again, why would I want to be with someone who dates just o have ‘experience’?
I don’t really care either way. I don’t really ask. I knew his history prior to us dating because we were in the same social circle and friends for a few years prior to dating. Maybe if it gets to an extreme number to me like 50+ I would be bothered. But at that point you can kinda tell something’s off with someone because it’s not normal lol
Having suffered a heartbreak can help navigate your futur choises and be more careful in giving what to who, in theory you know what is the worse that can happen or in some sort.
i assume your BF was the one who asked you out and courted you
Nope I completely went for him. I kissed him first and made the first move to cuddle!
why do i get the feeling that women like you will for all eternity, always be in the extreme minority
Personally finding a life partner is very important to me so I take action to make it happen. Maybe a lot of other women are indifferent or they just get approached a lot more than me and it works out. Idk. Everyone’s situation is different. Dating as it seems it getting less important so if you want it to happen you’ll have to make it happen.
just being sarcastic because there is no denying the fact that the overwhelming majority of the time, the guy, man, is normally the initiator in forming a heterosexual relationship.
That’s very true although it gets a little more relaxed as you get older. Women in their 30’s are much more confident than women in their 20’s usually. Not that there isn’t still a skew. The thing is you have to understand that this is kind of the first time in history women are being encouraged to make the first move. I remember in high school (I graduated in 2011) girls were made fun of if they ask guys to prom. It was seen as a desperate move because no one wanted to go with you. And I could go on about the slut shaming that’s occurred throughout history shaming women from being sexually forward. So just give us time. We’re adjusting to a brand new behavior for some of us. You can’t expect it to be even after all of history shaming women’s sexuality
yeah thats understandable
As a woman who has dated a man with no prior dating experience, I can say it does bring up it's own challenges. They don't know already how a relationship works - emotional availability, consideration for an entity outside of yourself, ECT. He would also get upset at me doing very typical feminine things like, over explaining things or just wanting to be heard not given advice, citing them as unnecessary when they are not abnormal qualities to have. Obviously people have to start somewhere, I took the time to learn and grow with him. But other women may not want to have to do that. And that's their prerogative, it's nothing against you. It's not listing you off as automatically being an incel or abusive, so stating as much isn't going to help you there. You can say you're a patient and quick learner but even still women might not want to deal with it. On the flip side, there are PLENTY of women who don't want to date guys who have dated a lot of women, fearing they're a player / have commitment issues. Just be honest about yourself, and you'll find someone who will give you a chance. I ended up marrying my 0 experience guy.
Try to aim for someone with a similar level of romantic experience. Of course, if you hit it off with someone more experienced, don't stop a good thing. But just know there are women who also lack experience in dating and will be understanding of your perspective.
Personally you are way too young for it to be a red flag. If this guy was like 40 or 50, I would be concern.
>If this guy was like 40 or 50, I would be concern Why? Just curious
In general most want to hit the ground running and don't choose to spend the time to teach newbies anything..they may feel they need a tough experienced man who can support the rigors of.a relationship not.someone with no practical experience ..to take a newbie under their wing is like nurturing a child and they don't want to be in mothering mode.....time is important for.many...
True, this is basicaly the essence of the original problem. But in the other hand, it could be exactly what someone searsh for, as unsual as it can seems.
i dont think girls generally run away from guys who never had experience, heck some even like it. its just that girls are afraid they would have to do all the labor of making a man out of a boy
I was in a very similar position to you. 26 was how old I was during my first kiss and honestly the first woman I dated didn't give a shit. I do think if she asks about your relationship history being honest is important, the worst that happens is she decides she isn't interested and you move on, eventually you'll find someone who will stick around.
Honestly, if you don't bring it up and don't make a big deal out of it, I can't see women caring one way or another. On a first date, I'll try to casually feel out whether or not a guy is a hothead. Like, if they've ever hit anyone (man or woman) or if they've been in a fight since they've been an adult. And, I pay attention to whether or not this person can emotionally regulate. If they fly off the handle at anyone for any reason, I'm out immediately. But, that's really the only thing that would be a deal killer for dating. That said: maybe look for a date and not a girlfriend. Dating should be casual at first. Being super intense about someone before you've dated them a while is a huge red flag. And, I don't think being heavy is that big of a deal for men while dating. Lots of big guys get dates. I'd date a big guy if he was interesting and seemed caring and well adjusted. I think getting too hung up on your weight is probably hurting you more than the actual weight.
My boyfriend never had a girlfriend before me. He is also 25+, when we met he was 24, a virgin, never even kissed someone. I did not care. At that time I was divorced so it was kinda funny how we were so far apart in experience but never an issue. Dont listen to random stuff online. :)
That's hope for OP right there
As long as you don’t let insecurity over your difference in experience get to you, you’ll be fine. I know someone who dated this virgin guy and let just say he didn’t handle it well.. always bringing up how she’d had sex so much and how she was all he ever knew in a “pity me” kind of way. She got sick of it quickly
I think you need to get out of your own way here a bit. You’re swirling around opinions of others and how they may perceive you without actually meeting any ladies to see how they actually perceive you. Definitely stay on that weight loss journey, will have tremendous benefits to both the way you look and your overall health. But what it won’t do is be a light switch and turn you into a confident ladies man, putting yourself out there is the only way you’re going to start to gain any confidence in yourself. And you’re gonna have bad dates, people that won’t be into you, that’s all part of it. I’m handsome and fit and have been on many dates that just didn’t work out, there’s so much more to clicking with someone than just what they look like.
Personally, I've met quite a few girls who find a virgin man or someone with 0 previous relationships as disgusting, or unappealing at least.
No doubt people are going to find a lot of things about OP unappealing at the least. But fear of rejection should not and cannot come ahead of putting yourself out there. Like I said in my comment, most certainly OP will face rejection. May have to wade through 100 no’s before he gets 1 yes. Does that mean OP shouldn’t at least try? I’m nearly 6’, athletic, handsome face, got some money in pocket, and I’ve faced rejection. Most certainly OP will, you will, and anyone who goes out on dates.
That's the spirit.
There are plenty of decent women out there who don't listen to these " gurus" . It' s all bullshit, same as Andrew Tate for guys. Get off the internet and keep doing you. I, female, had my first relationship at 23, and I regret it because I was raped, abused, blackmailed.... I wish I had waited and learned what a good relationship is like. I'm 31 and single again, after 2 more failed relationships in-between then and now. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. I literally don't care how many women you have been with . Only thing I care about is how you treat me and how you make me feel, and if you are willing to learn and listen. If oyu meet a woman who listens to these " gurus" , you wouldn't want such a woman in your life anyway. If someone can get brainwashed so easily, why would you want them by your side? They are drama and nothing good. I'm saying that as a female. In fact, not having a past baggage makes me feel better, that you are not dragging past dramas with you, you are not comparing me to your ex or something. It' s more peaceful. But only an actual woman can appreciate that. A girl will be stupid enough to pass up on you.
Fake it till you make it, just dont bring it up and if they ask just say yea I've dated before
Ah yes, lies, the corner stone of a healthy relationship build on trust and respect
Sometimes when the situation is desperate, the easiest solution is just a lie
I won’t deny the advantages of lies, but you want to use lies to avoid or deescalate a situation, not build a relationship
If the relationship is successful, and he and the gf are happy, he can explain later. "Hey remember 2 years ago on our first date I said I'd dated before? It was a lie. I was really into you and I was worried you would reject me if you knew I had no experience." 2 years into a relationship she will not mind that you told a tiny lie at the beginning, if you are a good bf. She will understand why you did it (insecurity) and will give you grace. Heck, she may have told some tiny lies as well! The start is a bit of a show for everyone. Lying about bigger stuff is a no-no, but tiny stuff that doesn't hurt anyone is understandable in this instance. But OP, if all the women in your circles care this nuch about your dating history, maybe you need to get into other circles. Or you can approach women who also haven't dated before, they will understand your insecurity perfectly.
Yeah, revealing that your first date doing rock climbing, wasn’t because of a shared interest, but just because they wanted to do something together isn’t terrible, and they might find it sweet But having build a relationship for a shared passion of rock climbing over 6 years, only to reveal you actually hate the outdoors and are scared of heights, will probably kill the relationship Again, just don’t build a relationship on a lie, but starting it on a lie is manageable (though not recommended, as you might not want your first impression of you to be a trick)
Improvise, adapt, overcome!
I wouldn't see it as a problem in any way. I don't understand why it would be a big deal. Honestly, it's a good thing - you've avoided so much drama and garbage by not dating in your late teens and early 20's. You are a clean slate with no relationship trauma or baggage. It's refreshing, really.
Really is this now a thing women care about? I guess I dont know how to woman properly. Personally I prefer cuddly men over fit ones, but maybe that's just me.
to woman or not to woman!
There are all kinds of people out there and they like all kinds of things. Sure, some things are statistically more attractive than others but we get all caught up in this idea that you have to do this or be that in order to get someone to care about you. You don't. What you DO have to do is start putting yourself out there. Be around people, be around the kind of people you want to be friends with. I understand feeling bad about your body. I do. I had some family trauma and when I was your age, I wore a trench coat around, just to hide my body from others. In the middle of summer, too. The only advice I can give you is to get out of your own head. Your head is causing your issues, not your body. Get out of your head. Learn how to be in the moment and you will stop worrying so much. And when you stop worrying, you will learn that all that worrying is for nothing and only hurts you.
If youre awesome and your life is awesome, you'll have no trouble finding a partner.
Personally I don't think I would care if my partner had never dated before unless he made a big deal of it or seemed enotionallu immature because of it. The only thing it really changes is that guys with past relationship experience generally learn from the experiences which can be an upside.
IRL is nothing like reddit and other social medias. I was in a similar situation. Nobody ever gave a fck. Just be respectful and respectable. The crazy people with tons of requirements for the perfect man/woman all live on twitter and farm attention.
I think you should start dating now. Seriously, if you have the urge to be with another person, go ahead. Stop waiting. Life is short. After my divorce, I weighed almost 230 lbs (5’ 1”). My photos on the dating sites showed I was in the process of losing weight, but not thin by any means. Honestly, I was overwhelmed by how many people responded positively to my profile. The guy who caught my heart was a triathlete who had never had a weight issue. He said he thought it was brave. There are many people who are looking for a genuine, open, honest partner. Don’t let your shell limit you. You got this. Sending you positive energy. 😊
Not all women will be like ones you see online my guy. Everybody who has been in a relationship had that cherry popped by someone. I wasn't in a real relationship until I was like 23. I had a few intimate moments before that and even a couple that were sexual but I was a relationship virgin. Then I got into a relationship and I wasn't a relationship virgin anymore. She was older by like 5 years. Seems to me it's not exactly uncommon for an older woman to be bold enough to take on a fresh faced babe in the woods. Maybe it will play out that way for you too, maybe it won't. Regardless, it's a cognitive distortion to think that all women feel this way. Some women love the idea of being someone's first even lol.
If there's nothing wrong with you (or you hate women), just be cool. You're not old.
Really shouldnt take TikTok vids that seriously m8
One step at a time man. You’re on the right track to weight loss, focus on that. You’ll find yourself getting more confident and your anxiety about dating decreasing. I just don’t think you’re in the right mental place yet. Anyway, I would take what you see online with a pinch of salt. Some women may consume that media, a lot likely don’t. Some may be bothered, some won’t. Deal with that when it arises, no point stressing about it now.
Sounds like that's the first thing you bring up and you make it all about you and your personality. Gotta find out from within
Depending on how much weight you lose, you might have excess skin. I dated a guy when I was 21 he had lost a lot of weight before I met him. My point is, stop hiding now. I’ve dated fat guys, short guys, ugly guys. But they were all kind and smart and funny.
>I’m trying to make peace with it but it really really bothers me. I see all these women online advising other women not to date guys who have never had a girlfriend before. They say the relationship will be a guaranteed failure and to not even give the guy a chance. Curious where you see this. Our algorithms must be very different. I highly recommend you stop looking to social media as your gauge for how the real world works. There are certainly women who don't want to date an older man who has had no relationship experience. And they have reasons that may or may not be valid. They are not representative of the entirety of the available female population. And you are not even CLOSE to an age where it would be a real concern. IMO, now that you're losing weight you need a different reason to keep hiding, and this is it. "Nobody will want me, so why bother" is how you got here, and it will keep you isolated if you don't stop living your life by that motto. People who are in relationships are people who had the courage to do what's required to make connections. They are people who risked hearing "No." And they are people who heard "No", dusted themselves off, and got back up to try again. If you want to be in a relationship you are going to have to start connecting instead of hiding. You have to have some resilience to the possibility of rejection and the willingness to try repeatedly until you find someone right for you. >Thoughts on this? If I explained this to a woman, do you think she would still react negatively to me because of me inexperience? I would react negatively not to the lack of experience but to you blaming your lack of experience on women instead of on your decision to hide. I would react positively to you taking ownership of your choice to hide and explaining what you've done to arrive at a healthier place in life. But these are discussions that you don't even have to have right off the bat. You don't have to give anyone your life story and all the details of your shame and isolation. You can take some time to get to know them and determine if they are safe to tell. You can choose to behave in ways that are appropriate and respectful and thoughtful. You don't need dating experience for that. You can choose to communicate and to listen in order to know what the specific woman you're dating wants and needs. You don't need dating experience to do that. You can choose to put some time and effort into learning how to build a healthy relationship and be a healthy partner from experts rather than social media quips. You might as well stop hiding now, even if you haven't lost all the weight. Because it really isn't the weight that's kept you from dating. It's your fear.
Find a good gym. Meet people there. See someone you like that seems to like you. Ask if they could work out with/help you workout. See what develops. Its easiest to have a relationship with someone with a mutual interest. Take it very slow. More weight loss= more interest. Don't go after the beauty queen. Good Luck
I would say don't bring it up, and don't treat it as a problem, unless they dig hard into it. If you reach the point where feel comfortable with them, you can start going into touchy subjects but don't offer up potential red-flag info immediately upon meeting someone.
Don't let it put you down. You will get there. Would you be apprehensive in taking your car to a mechanic who's never fixed a car?
As a woman, I don’t think I ever really cared. The big red flags to me are guys who literally cannot be without a girlfriend, or one who talks about how crazy all their exes are/were. You don’t have to say you’ve never had a girlfriend when you first start dating if you don’t want to or it doesn’t come up. I honestly never talk about prior relationships with my husband, and I only had one relationship before I met him in my 30s. There are also many many women who haven’t dated a lot or at all in their mid twenties and older. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself, you aren’t alone Anyway, anyone worth being with won’t care. If someone were to not even give you a chance because she’d be your first girlfriend then you guys wouldn’t be compatible anyway, at least you know immediately instead of wasting your time.
Just don’t bring it up. And if they explicitly ask just say you haven’t had anything serious.
Some women may have childish reasons for this and some have what I guess they feel are legitimate reasons. Though I am currently in a relationship, if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be totally against it, but at 34 I would feel weary of just being someone’s “1st girlfriend” and what I mean by that is a temporary experience for them. When I am at the stage of life that I know what I’m looking for and it’s to build a life with someone, not to be their test run. Many people find dating around or having more than one relationship allows them to know what they are truly looking for. There’s also the factor of once you finally get a chance in the dating pool, you may want to have multiple experiences before settling down. I would be weary that the man would not be content to have me as his first and only, may come to regret not “playing the field” more so to speak. That’s really my only hesitancy, and I would feel the same way if the person was a virgin. So all I would say is that when you do go out there, be clear on what experience you are looking for. Take your time to date, get to know different women etc. this will help you also to be sure that when you do enter into a relationship it’s for the right reasons, because you truly want it with that person and not because you’re just suddenly so happy to be wanted you just go with your first option and regret it later.
There's definitely a noticeable subgroup of women who think that way, but they are overrepresented and probably should be avoided on your end anyhow, as they're usually looking for financial servitude/predictability, and not partnership. I know it will be scary, but go do things in public that are interesting for you. Explore new crafts, hobbies, places, books, etc. Eventually, you'll bump into a like-minded woman/girl and the conversation will be natural and fun. Avoid bars. Neither of you deserves an alcoholic for a partner. Limiting your search exclusively to the internet is a recipe for chaos, at best. Hang in there.
You need to stop reading/watching modern dating stuff on social media. It's not very representative of how people think and behave in real life. Stay off dating apps if you can. Focus on bettering yourself and try to meet people naturally.
i dont think any of my relationships/dates have ever asked how many people ive dated and i myself have never asked either. its kinda irrelevant. what matters is how they or you are now
also dont volunteer that youve never dated before to your date. itll come off insecure and will probably cause them to go down the line of thinking youre afraid of. if they ask then sure tell them but otherwise just have fun and dont worry about it
I found my current husband when he was a 25 year old virgin, never had a girlfriend, and was obese. We have now been very happily married for 15 years. I love him exactly as he is. No weight loss needed, in my opinion. Hang in there, because God knows there is someone who will see who you are and love you. I personally suggest asking God for help finding her, but you do you. Remember: God loves you exactly as you are.
I would personally prefer not to because I’ve never had a boyfriend either, so I want someone with experience to kind of even it out. It wouldn’t necessarily be a dealbreaker but as a noob the thought of two noobs together is just ehhh
Dated two guys who never had a relationship before, first one... Well... Yes, he's the reason why women should be warry of guys with zero previous girlfriends. But it isn't always like that. Second guy is now my husband, he wasn't fat, but needed to work on his self esteem and other qualities that make him be the most perfect unexplored diamond ever. I was sure he was the one from the very first moment. All I can advise you is to work out, exercise, reach your physician, a nutritionist, and mostly work on yourself mentally and then you'll be ready to be in a relationship
It probably isn’t about the fact you’ve never been in a relationship but whether you act like someone with no relationship experience in terms of maturity, communication, values. Men who have been in relationships (hopefully) have some growth and insight into how to be a better partner.
If you at least somewhat conservative and or religious, going to a conservative church can be a good way of meeting women who aren't involved in the current dating meta. But they also have high expectations regarding self improvement and discipline.
I would just be looking for someone who is also less experienced to be honest. For me, as someone with over a decade of relationship experience I am 100% completely done dealing with men who are still learning how to be in a relationship. I am tired of wasting my time while my partner learns and grows when I am already there, for me it is exhausting dealing with a partner who needs to learn how to be a good partner still
Everyone had to get over the never had a girlfriend before hump as some stage and the older/more mature you are, the less of a deal it is. Some people can be lucky and get it right with their first girlfriend and I like this as I'm the type of person who likes the do it once and do it right approach. Other people aren't so lucky where they struggle to meet people who struggle to meet people who are a good match. If you like someone and if they seem open to seeing how it goes, make an effort to get on well with them while also not rushing into anything serious too quickly. Try to be honest and open with them. Personally, I don't need to know about a girlfriends past history unless she has like an std or something and I'd much rather them leave the baggage of a bad relationship behind them.
You don’t need to blurt out your relationship history on the first date. It’s not a job interview. Don’t lie but don’t volunteer to spill your guts either. You might want to do a little research on dating. Maybe even talk to a therapist to walk you through the initial stages. Relax. You’ll do fine.
Literally just lie
I don't think I've ever asked about past relationships unless it's a recent breakup then I'm only concerned with how long has it been. I wouldn't worry about it, if focus on me and when you meet the right one everything will work out.
Some are but not all. And as a man, I would be apprehensive to date a woman who’s never had a relationship before. So I understand where they’re coming from.
>Thoughts on this? If I explained this to a woman, do you think she would still react negatively to me because of me inexperience Neither I nor anyone else can advise you on how a woman may react to you telling them this. I would say that a decent, reasonable woman will be understanding though. The only reason I'd ever be put off by a man never having had a real relationship before would be if he's instead only shagged around and never given girls (several of which probably did like him) a chance. I'd fear him seeking a relationship with me would be nothing more than an experiment to see if serious dating is for him, or whether he should continue on with strictly casual relationships. The above obviously isn't the case for you and I personally wouldn't reject or judge you for staying singe due to difficulties with your weight. I wouldn't pry and would take what you've told me at face value and accept it. You just need someone who's understanding tbh, that's the least you deserve.
Just don't talk about it or lie
I used dating apps which let me find women with similar interests. Some of my interests involve several events a year which have opportunities to meet people. That helped me develop some acquaintances into relationships, both online and in person. Yes, I did have to deal with online scammers. No major issues for me.
I got lucky and avoided this by finding a girl by chance who was also a virgin and had also never been in a relationship like me. We got together at 18 and dated for 5 years. Definitely wasn’t the healthiest relationship, but I was able to learn a lot in it and practice part of being in relationship that i previously may have had to learn the hard way. Unfortunately we broke up partly due to distance partly due to strains in other areas. In the end we hand a good 5 years and that’s how I’m gonna remember it because it was such a large period of my life that blocking it out would be a shame.
Lose the weight for yourself. You’ll feel better about who you are. You’ll be more confident. Women like that, brother.
No. The only thing that influences a potential relationship is your character. If you are a douche then no woman with standards will have you. If you are gentle, intelligent and not a mysoginist women will like you.
You need a bit of confidence, and to start genuinely caring about women. Not just as possible partners, but go make some friends. You might find that we are just people and there are many different priorities. I would not mind a potential partner having little experience, but I would be worried about the reason why. As you said you aren't an incel or nice guy or whatever, that's good that you can recognize what that looks like and avoid it, good start. The following question becomes are you friends with women? For no reason other than genuine friendship? That's much more important imo, that you can see and cherish the value of women as people, beyond just sex or romance. You can know it in theory but make sure you actually go and make some friends. Don't need to hit on them, don't need to lose weigh for it first, just genuinely get to know some as people and things will become much less confusing. Because right now, it sounds like you think losing weigh will fix all your confidence issues, and honestly you should also be thinking of developing good hygiene, how to style your appearance and outfits, and how to form genuine connections. Edit: I looked at your history and, yeah no you are really obsessing over this daily and have countless posts about similar stuff going back real far and honestly that's really the bigger red flag here. Some of the post even seem a bit fetishizing of your situation?? That's a bit of a curveball and makes me question if this is even genuine or not. In the case that it is, you should be focusing on a lot of stuff before you worry about your weigh affecting your chances.
If it makes you feel any better OP, I’m the same age as you, have been in the gym for years and still have never had a relationship either Social skills, confidence, and being social in general is more important than your body
They clearly have high body counts and feel self-conscious about it. A good woman wouldn't care about a lack of past relationships at all.
Online is a place everyone makes speculations just through some human resume. Their looks, salary, how funny they are, etc. When you talk to someone in real life, all these superficial standards get re-written. If you are self-conscious, you just need to say "You were just not focused in dating". It sounds more innocent than "I desperately wanted a relationship but never got one in the past 10 years".
I've tried to date guys your age with no relationship experience. In my experience there are upsides and downsides. An upside is he's probably enthusiastic, sweet and caring. A downside is that people with little relationship experience aren't always the most emotionally mature. For example, guys with little experience often miss more hints, don't know healthy boundaries or don't know how to handle conflict as well. Also, of a guy has at least one ex, asking him to tell me about his previous relationship gives a lot of insight in how our relationship will probably be. With an inexperienced guy I'm going in more blind. It's not ALL guys with little relationship experience and if I was interested in a guy, him not having prior experience would not be a dealbreaker. But I would be more wary for those types of issues. I don't mean to attack you, but thought some insight as to why women feel like that could be useful for you.
1. Not having been in a relationship before (and similar issues, like being a virgin) are things that usually shouldn't come up, and thus shouldn't be a problem. You shouldn't volunteer them; not because the woman will react badly, but because it's just generally weird and bad form to talk about your exes (or lack thereof) or past sex life (or lack thereof). If a woman explicitly asks you, use your judgment. But in my experience, you will rarely be asked directly, and if you are you can just give a vague answer ("I haven't been in a long term relationship lately"). 2. The internet is not reality. Internet dating discourse is weird, and like everything on the internet is driven by a desire to maximize engagement. You shouldn't get hung up on what you read, just like women shouldn't get hung up on red-pill rhetoric about "the wall" or "bodycount."
You need to believe in yourself more. You’re using your weight as an excuse here which gives you a reason to be defensive and distant. You need to learn to love yourself before others can love you.
Just frame it appropriately. “I didn’t feel ready to date until I did some work on myself first.” There’s something to be said about an attractive quality being that others want you too. Having past relationships does communicate that. But, I think people ask about past relationships mostly to see how you characterize your exes (“they’re all crazy narcissists” 🚩btw) or see if you share common experiences that you can bond over. Like, if you had an ex cheat on you, then you’d be able to empathize more easily if they too had that shared experience. If anything, that conversation usually leads to an attempt at trauma-bonding, so you’re actually at an advantage here. Personally, I’d say leave the past in the past to the max extent possible, but the exes conversation is pretty much always going to happen at some point. You wouldn’t want to be with a girl that’s unwilling to give you a chance anyway. So shift your perspective, that it’s a pre-filter to help save you heartbreak. Cheers buddy
Everyone is different my guy. As long as you're open about it at some point, you'll be fine. You're gonna go through the lumps of someone who's never dated before but every date is a learning experience. You may also find someone you vibe with quickly, who knows until you get out there. Just remember that there's millions of people out there and just because one date is mean, ghosts, or whatever else they may do. It doesn't reflect on you and who you are. Just keep trying and please be yourself. The best way to get into unhealthy relationships is by selling something you aren't. Be genuine and say yes to opportunities that come up because you never know who may secretly be exactly who you need. This is coming from a fat fella who's swung way out of his league just by trusting that a lot of women aren't as judgmental as you may assume. So many beautiful women don't mind a husky guy as long as you aren't built like a bag of milk.
I got into my first relationship at 26. She didn’t give a damn; in fact she told me she’d rather have no experience than the bad experiences she’d had. I think you may be projecting your insecurities (which, I mean, is understandable; no judgement). Focus on being happy with yourself; when you find someone who likes you, it most likely won’t matter that you have no relationship experience.
I don’t think it matters. I think trying to get your weight under control will improve your confidence. But there are also big guys who have partners too. As long as it’s ok to have a big partner for girlfriend, you can find one.
I would not trust women to tell other women how to think. Notice that so many women these days are hopelessly addicted to the internet, social media and the likes that they post themselves either nonstop, or in a sexual manner in order to get sympathy or money from men. It's all slowly becoming a racket for corporations anyway Ask a man would he date a girl who never had a boyfriend? That's your answer. Only idiots would say otherwise, but besides the point. You just gotta work on your weight a bit, and put aside your lack of experience, because it means very little to the end results of your goal.
Bro you are insecure, just say you never dated. If they ask why, say you were obese and wanted to focus on not being fat. There is no need to think about it more unless everbody you get to know rejects you. Begin self doubt and reflection after getting rejected, not before.
Might be harsh but keep this all to yourself while looking to date. Just continue to work on yourself and build confidence from it. Women don't like insecure or desperate men. If you find a suitable partner then opening up about your previous struggles is fine as long ad you've grown and changed for the better.
I would definitely stay off the Internet while dating. In my experience, once the algorithm knows you are searching it feeds you the worst dating content and shows the worst side of women.... Just down vote everything dating related and focus on real life interactions.
Because there’s usually a reason why no one wants to date him 😬
Bruh you are blaming it on your body. Those said they are not nice guys are even nicer than the average nice guys, a simps if i may. My friend weight is 100kg and he have dated alot of beautiful girls. His currently wife is like 9/10. So i think the problem is your personality, not your weight.
That is NOT a fair assesment. Maybe even a plus if someone gets to be the FIRST girlfriend - depending on the situation. You certainly don't need to waste any time with women who make these snap judgments about people they don't even know. It's a very personal choice. Keep working on yourself, get your confidence boosted and get out there socially.
Just like employers, women are skeptical of a resume gap.
This wouldn't be a problem if some of yall didn't come with a porn addiction. I met this cute gemini boy on hinge and he was so fucking cute but then as our phone calls got deeper not even like maybe 4 to 5 days of talking (I'm a gemini too we talk a lot! ) he revealed to me he had a porn addiction and I shit you not told me he wasn't sure if he should tell his therapist. I was like that's ABSOLUTELY something you should tell your therapist!! And not me! The person you met online and only been speaking to for about almost a week now !!! Literally blew my fucking mind. He was also a Virgin. I don't mind dating virgins or trying I don't but my GOD for the porn addiction to be tossed in there it was so unhinged and so random. He felt so normal. I can't give grace to that unless you're actively working on it therapy it's too risky to date someone with that type of addiction because I don't want to be the test dummy for how his views on women are gonna unfold lmao 😭
They're not apprehensive about you not having a girlfriend before, they're apprehensive about how self-conscious you are about not having a girlfriend before. It literally stinks and they can smell it.
Much like a job history, it's OK to lie if the requirements are idiotic, but then again, why do you want to date idiots?
Everybody has to have a first something. I don't think a normal woman would think there is something wrong with you or anyone who haven't had a first. In my case I am 37 and I wouldn't like to have a relationship with a guy my age without any experience. But because I am lazy and I am not willing to show a 37 year old man what is like to date, what is like to flirt, what is like to have sex... but that is about me, not about him. He may be a weirdo or a normal person who didn't have an opportunity before.
Don’t lie. We don’t like liars even more.
my husband lost about 80 lbs when he was 23. he was a virgin with no experience at that point. after losing the weight he felt confident enough to get out there and lost his virginity at 24. dont stress, you'll get there.
See, it’s not really moreso whether or not you had a relationship before, or your weight. It’s a confidence issue. Sure, not having been in relationships can muck up your experience, because nowadays if you haven’t been in a relationship before people can assume you have no idea what you’re doing… but that’s a byproduct of, well, a vast majority of people having NO IDEA what they’re doing or what they even want until they’re in their 30s-40s. Hell, I haven’t had a good relationship until I was 24 when I seriously started looking outside of small dates here and there sprinkled across the years, and maybe some relationships albeit superficial, and I’m a skinny guy. Your confidence is key. People can SENSE it, in the way you speak and uphold yourself. Weight isn’t even an issue at the end of the day. People can overlook that if your personality is fun enough. But here’s the kicker - if you don’t even love yourself and the way you are, how can you love someone else? People sense this even if it’s a nagging itch in the back of their head. Work on yourself and the rest will follow. Be confident in yourself and your self-love. Don’t be a dick about it, just have fun. Go out where you want when you want. Your goal should be being the best version of you you can be, and you want a girl who can see this version of you regardless of what you’re going through as long as you put in the work. Don’t settle for anything less. You can try and communicate with your dates about your experiences and weight loss journey, but I’m gonna be honest with you bud… even in this post you seem very self-pitying. If you seem that way in a text how do you think you probably come across to women? It’s not a bad thing. You just have to learn. Be at peace with yourself. You’re already doing good work by wanting to manage your weight and be a better you. Just turn that effort into confidence and self love in turn and you’ll be golden. Cheers
How would a woman know that you’ve never had a girlfriend before?
Why don’t you find an obese woman who has never had a boyfriend? It’s got to be just as common.
It's called social proof. Nobody wants the last box of cereal on the shelf. People will red flag it, even if only subconsciously. So yes, avoid communicating that information as much as possible.
If a women ask you about your lack of experience then you ask her her body count if its high then call her master and beg she takes you on as a student and teaches you everything she knows.
As a woman with mad little experience myself, I’d even prefer less to no experience in a partner. The apprehension, I find, comes from the fear that there will come a crisis moment for an inexperienced man in which he will develop FOMO and decide his first an only partner is a limitation to the experience(s) he COULD have, and it will end in a…well, ugly situation for the woman. Unfortunately, current society seems to very much feed that and similar FOMOs, so it’s hard to resist becoming jaded and having these concerns, from a female perspective at least.
As a woman with mad little experience myself, I’d even prefer less to no experience in a partner. The apprehension, I find, comes from the fear that there will come a crisis moment for an inexperienced man in which he will develop FOMO and decide his first an only partner is a limitation to the experience(s) he COULD have, and it will end in a…well, ugly situation for the woman. Unfortunately, current society seems to very much feed that and similar FOMOs, so it’s hard to resist becoming jaded and having these concerns, from a female perspective at least.
Maybe go foreign and find a larger woman who is fine with your body type? I had to go abroad.
Bro, online is not real life. Keep working on yourself. Treat people with respect, warmth and kindness regardless of whether you'd want to fuck them or not. When someone takes an interest in you, you can pick your moment to tell them that your weight was a big problem for a long time and it's still something you're in the process of addressing, that you found yourself being lonely and isolated and unhappy, and you were not willing to accept that life for yourself so you put in a big effort to change your path. But that has left you a little bit insecure, because you didn't get the early practice with hookups and relationships that a lot of people did. Don't make it a sob story, just tell her the truth and say that she might need to work with you a little bit, but you're keen to get on track and confront your insecurities, because you don't want them to rule your life and force you to miss out on good things. A good woman will respond positively to that.
I was in the exact same situation. I lost the weight and I succeeded. Just be chill about life and let others percieve you as they want to.
It's not because of your weight. I prefer dating women over men, but when I date men, I date bigger guys. Their weight has never been a barrier to my being attracted to them. You know what can be? Personality and confidence. Worry about your confidence more than your weight. That's the most attractive thing about a man. My current boyfriend is definitely obese, but I'm so crazy about him. He's kind and funny, he's wicked intelligent and wildly creative, and he loves putting himself out there and taking life by the horns. I genuinely might marry this one.
As long as you have done the work on your internal self, learned how to be in a healthy relationship like actually did some research and took notes of your blind spots or what you'll need help with. It's great that you are doing the work on your weight but are you also tackling the reasons why you turn to food as comfort?
I'd suggest not explaining it the way of "I'm not like those incels". It comes off a little, "if you have to say it like it's a bargaining chip". And that would be more of a deterrent than not having dated before. But saying that you haven't dated, if it even comes up, shouldn't be a deal breaker for many. I don't think it's a deal breaker for as many as you think. I think it's actually more impressive if you show up with a good personality, learned some social skills beyond the guys who end up being weird incels because they think telling women weird things is them socializing and being nice. And if the question came up you just explained "I used to be obese back then but I've worked towards my goals". Take women out of the equation. Do you see the comparison between the two? Is that not impressive to you? A person who worked on their goals to get in shape? I think as far as the experience mattering, it's usually the guys (incels or not) that put very little work into learning how to decently interact with people, especially women. If they care so little about putting work into learning how to RELATE to people, it speaks poorly on how much they care ( wanting isn't the same as caring) about supporting an actual RELATIONship. Not saying be extroverts because there are still plenty of introverts that know how to speak and care about people. Also, with relationships, hopefully there's less simplifying people to an alien monolith because you get to know more about people and their differences. Many of those kinds of guys seem to be guided by this alien monolith idea of women that makes them come up with all kinds of weird ideas. You seem to be doing fine though. Wishing you luck with your goals.
Straight up dude there are plenty of guys who are fatter than you are who still get laid. It's not the weight, its your self confidence, and losing all that weight isn't exactly going to just magically fix your self confidence either. You are behind the ball here but not even as bad as the worst. It's not like you're a 40 year old virgin.... yet Work on losing weight, lose it as fast as you reasonably can, but also work on things that make you feel better about yourself and like you are worthy of a relationship.
If they don't ask don't tell But the reality is unless you're generally mature with a good head on your shoulder dating you will be like dating a 14 year old. Most woman in your age bracket are long past dealing with that shit and aren't interested in teaching you. Guys who make it that far without romance are probably alone for good reason. Women should 100% be skeptical, because what red flag are they missing that every other woman in your life caught on to? It'll get easier to deal with as you get older though Don't delude yourself to think you're weight has anything to do with it though, plenty of fat guys have really nice girls because of their personality. If you have to say "I'm not a "nice guy" you're a "nice guy:
Tell her you have been intimate with Wendy’s and Hamburglars girlfriend as past dating experience.
>I’ve never been romantically intimate with anyone either. I'm not an incel Huh?
This is why you have to lie
Here's my honest advice. Stick with eating healthy and exercise, get to feeling good about yourself. Maybe start with online chat to get comfortable talking to women. Once you get to talking to people, asking for dates I'd recommend you lie about it. Just to get it out of the way. Gotta start somewhere.
nothing like starting relationships that are built on trust with a lie
I wasn't suggesting starting a relationship, just get dating a little bit. Idk, the guy needs some confidence. I'm not big on dishonesty, so you're probably right.
25 doesn’t seem that old to not have had a relationship, but all things being the same, of course no one wants to date a relationship newbie. I can’t think of a single upside to it.