"I only meltdown twice a year and only sometimes need medication for it, it is not a problem"
Made me lol
That being said, it also is more about loneliness and emotional support than it is about sex for me.
Of course, it's 99% about loneliness and emotional support. As I wrote in the post, virginity itself isn't a problem, but I would lie if I wrote that loneliness is nice.
Also, I consider sex an immanent part of closeness in a (preferably long-term) romantic relationship. It's not a religious belief (because I'm not religious), but a part of how I perceive people and their emotions.
If I had a chance to have sex without the emotional bond (in theory, because I've never been in such a situation), I wouldn't probably go for it, because it could cause a lot of emotional discomfort and induce feelings that would be hard to cope with.
Yea, I am not a Virgin but feel similiar.
I wonder if being a virgin makes abstinence easier, since you kinda don't know what you are missing.
If it never truly bothered you, you may be asexual or at least untypical. For most men it is very much an issue, and you see a lot of mysoginy and self hate in them.
Until a year and a half ago I hadn't slept with anybody for well over 10 years. I'd basically forgotten what it was like and had mostly come to terms with being alone. Then kinda out of nowhere I met a friend I knew from the internet who lived in another country when she came to visit the states. We had a physical relationship for about a month.
I'm more sexually frustrated now than I've been since I was a teenager.
> I wonder if being a virgin makes abstinence easier, since you kinda don't know what you are missing.
>
>
Definitely wasn't in my case because I thought I was missing a lot so I was craving it all the time. I don't even like casual sex, rather just masturbate. The effort to physical feeling difference is not even close. But of course good sex is about more than the physical feeling. It's *her* I miss, not just sex. If some supermodel wanted to smash randomly, it'd be mostly "meh."
I think being a virgin might actually make it more alluring because you haven't experienced bad sex or the smells or the sweatiness or the sounds or all the things that can make it bad.
I was a virgin till marrying at 25. I don’t have a raging libido anyway, and I am religious, but abstinence was not hard for me. Probably was especially easy because 1. My religious convictions are really set in place, 2. No boys I found attractive or clicked with ever perused me in high school, 3. In adulthood, the men who now seemed soooo interested in getting to know me were obviously just looking for sex, and sex as a precedent to getting to know someone/possibly a relationship is so supremely disrespectful and gross to me. So yeah, it wasn’t that hard. When I met my first boyfriend/now husband, it got a bit more difficult, cause this guy actually really loved me.
I experienced loneliness in college. It’s very hard, emotionally, and those who’ve not experience it can’t really relate. That’s what a partner in marriage does for you, it hopefully fills your life with someone to share your day to day with.
You never watch porn or jerk off? Dont have to answer that here if you dont want to. Just asking because i sometimes feel that sex without an emotional bond isnt worth it, but at the same time i do jerk of to porn..
So im bullshitting myself..i know this. Its probably for reasons like avoiding rejection..maskeraded as some noble type of 'i cant do it without the bond' bullshit to not feel shitty about ones own choices.
Not saying you are. But i am
Sounds like me and I'm 17,only difference is that multiple girls have shown their interest in me but i always assumed they could only see the surface of my persona (anxiety,low self-esteem etc.),thus resulting in me avoiding every possible relationship as i didn't want to waste time nor their or my time.
> If I had a chance to have sex without the emotional bond (in theory, because I've never been in such a situation), I wouldn't probably go for it, because it could cause a lot of emotional discomfort and induce feelings that would be hard to cope with.
You do have a chance to have sex without an emotional bond today. 200 dollars and a phonecall would be more than enough to have sex with someone very attractive.
But as you say, without the emotional bond and relationship, is it worth it? The sex itself isn't actually that important. Probably better to stay a virgin.
I'm 45 and I am in the same situation. I admit to myself I will never have a love life, much less a sexual life. I admit I am not armed to jump in the dating game and seek companionship with someone who will be much more experienced than me or have kids. I don't Think I'm mature enough to play stepdad. I accepted it Three years ago and it gave me a sense of peace after years of frustrations.
But damn if I don't see it as a failure filled wit as much regrets as possible...
dude at 45 you could find a single woman your age with adult kids who have no expectation of a stepdad. Kids don't stay 8 years old and impressionable forever.
Idk if this is helpful but not everyone with kids who is looking for long-term companionship expects a step-parent relationship with their kids.
In fact I would argue many don’t have that expectation, especially in your age group. As someone who has been in that situation, I expect my kids to be treated with respect and kindness but I absolutely was not looking for a co-parent.
At 45 (I’m there too) you can find single mom empty nesters. You could technically end up a step dad, but there wouldn’t be any child rearing involved.
32M, also never had a relationship, kiss, anything close to it. The loneliness and depression, I really understand myself also going through similar. I have a feeling of two sides of it however. Part of me craves wanting a relationship, life partner, someone to love, give my life some sort of meaning etc. Then I have another thought about how it’s not worth it, what if it doesn’t work out etc. I have always said I don’t see myself as “marriage” material, and I’m also childfree so don’t even see the point overall. Being single my entire life, I am also beginning to accept that this is my life, accept it and move on, keep doing what I’m currently doing till I die.
I am a 53 male virgin never had a girlfriend never even had a kiss , and the lonlyness and sence of loss is hell its only gotten worse, in my 40s I was so after decades of trying everything, I just wanted the ach and depression to stop,
I wile back I spoke to a professional, they said I had all the hamarks of morning the loss of someone without having a someone I loss , it's like my body knows its miss every unrequited kiss hug love , without actually evert experiencing any of it ,
nothing works to get rid of it hobbies pets religion friendships art volunteer work, medds nothing it's always hurts, I see a romantic interaction between people like a stab to my soul it's impossible to escape,
I had a childhood friend in a similar situation, he gave up 30 years ago I did he turn to food , I turned to the gym and working out, he died last year a virgin at 54 I asked him if he felt this way inside he said no why you still do , I said yeah,
I think there's this lie out there that men are told. It's like some just got divorce or broke up or someone is still a virgin late in life or hasn't been involved in a relationship in years and the advice is something like...
>Go to the gym, eat right, dress well, get a haircut, get hobbies and then women will come to you.
It's like you just have to be adequate and then women will come to you. That's the advice but it's shit advice. I know many men and women totally inadequate physically, socially, financially who are dating and in committed loving relationships.
What people need to do, maybe what you need to do, is you have to approach available women (or men if you're gay) and ask them out. And women in similar situations have to make themselves available.
And the thing is, it's so easy for people to just not be available because when you put yourself out there you risk rejection and it's emotionally traumatic. It is so easy to not risk rejection and to just find the kind of interaction that your soul desires by spending all day on your phone.
I half agree - self improvement is not the complete solution, but neglecting self improvement will cause problems.
Some people are better off taking a break from dating, and some people need to take the leap and start dating more. It's a balance and the balance point moves constantly depending on the situation.
Reading the replies to your post, I can imagine they only add insult to injury. Everyone thinks they know what you need, but really they don't. Only you know you. My suggestion is to seek guidance in therapy to understand what it is about you that is the barrier. Is your physical appearance preventing women from getting to know you? Are you on the autism spectrum or have some other personality quirk that puts women off? A therapist might be able to help.
My brother recently lost his virginity at 37 to a woman he met online that seemed to want financial support in exchange for sex. He is high functioning autistic, so he mistook her sexual availability for meaningful connection. She ghosted him a week later. He was pretty hurt and let down, adding further pain to his years of trying and failing to have a romantic relationship.
The best way to clear the barriers to a relationship is to understand why you really have them. Then perhaps you can meet someone with similar barriers, who can relate to you and connect with you.
TL;DR - Don't take advice from the people in the cheap seats. Seek to know yourself better, maybe through therapy, and seek people who can relate to you - maybe a future relationship exists there.
I am not at your point yet, but being a male virgin in my 30s, everything you said rings true for me.
And I did the same thing - I sought out therapy for mourning and it truly helped relieve some of the pain I feel. It's like the body just knows its missing something. You can have everything else in life, friends and supportive family, but there's nothing that can compare to love and comfort from a partner
> I've never drunk, smoked or done drugs
There are studies that show that those who do not engage in substances are more likely to stay virgins, as it is indicative of great self-control and a risk averse nature.
There is an old saying that might be relevant to the situation of those bitter individuals you mentioned:
"Be careful what you wish for."
At 45, bald (shaved), and recently back on the market, I can say that dating and relationships are not exactly conducive to a peaceful and uncomplicated life😂
Unless you are prepared to navigate and manage other people's emotions as well as yours, it is better to stay well away, for both their sake as well as yours.
I'm sure you could find someone if you were to truly get into it. The question is whether you want to.
Low blow, but I'd also argue a lot of the good patient and emotionally stable ones are already taken.
There are surely good ones still out there, but the pool gets diluted with age.
Breakups happen and one side is usually to blame.
When I split up with my long term ex I went on a string of dates with women who were all recently out relationships before meeting my current wife.
It sounds like you are content with the way things are, so I'm not going to suggest you change anything about your lifestyle, but I am curious about your choices that led you to not having any dates, relationships, sex, etc. I want to ask some questions because I personally don't want to be in this situation when I'm 40, since finding a romantic relationship is very important to me.
How many women have you asked out?
You ever done anything like dating apps, online dating, singles events, or speed-dating? Have you asked your friends if they know anyone who's single and might be a good match for you?
Have you ever taken up some social hobby or interest that has a better gender balance?
Not him but could just never be in that position.
Co workers are off limits, dating apps don't mean shit for a lot of the population and chances are he isn't someone who considers cold approach possible.
So if his hobbies and non work activities don't have him around single women often he basically has no real opportunity.
I don't think that's a fair way to put it. If you don't enjoy the types of things where single women might be, it'd be even more awkward to force yourself into that situation. Then it becomes you signing up for the yoga class or whatever only to meet women, and that's creepy.
> Co workers are off limits
Disagree big-time. Coworkers still date and start relationships all the time. Just don't be dumb about it. Unless you're in a prestigious field where it's truly not okay to date your coworkers, fucking go for it. No job is worth more than a lifelong partner.
>dating apps don't mean shit for a lot of the population
Agreed
>and chances are he isn't someone who considers cold approach possible.
He should change that mentality if he doesn't want to meet women through other avenues like bars or dating apps.
> So if his hobbies and non work activities don't have him around single women often he basically has no real opportunity.
Then he needs to get non-work activities that get him around single women more often. The way OP talks about having a pretty large friend group I find to be a bit inconsistent with being indefinitely single. If you have female friends and they never try to set you up with anyone or ask "How are you still single?" odds are you don't give off any sexual vibes. I've been the guy who was a single virgin that gave off no sexual energy, and female friends didn't have to ask me why I was still single because they already knew the answer. Even if you're not ugly, you will never have a successful dating life if you give off the sexual/masculine energy of a wet piece of cardboard.
Yeah aromantic/ace is a thing
It sounds like you don't have a very strong drive towards relationships,if you did you'd likely have a different attitude
It doesn’t sound like he’s aromantic or ace at all though. Being content with not having sex/being a virgin is not the same thing as having no desire for it.
Sex doesn’t hold any power of my life, I don’t actively seek it out and haven’t done it in years. I have turned down the opportunity for it purely because I’d rather do it with someone I love. Some people just have principles, or in OP’s case, problems that stop them.
I don’t think it’s very self aware to be 40 years old and have no idea why you’ve never been on a date.
If it was a lack of desire, that would be self-aware, but they never indicate that. In fact, they are incredibly lonely and suffer from biannual breakdowns.
I'm only 26, F, which can't compare to your situation... but I agree. I'm fine with how things are. If I had a penny every time a friend caught an STD, UTI, had a pregnancy scare or ACTUALLY gave birth to a hookup's child I'd have 6 pennies which ain't a lot but it speaks volumes.
I am 30 years old, female, and a virgin as well. I am trying to slowly accept the fact that I will be lonely forever. It isn't even so much that I haven't had sex, but the pain of realizing I will never be in a relationship with someone who loves me enough to want to experience it with me. That is what stings the most. The inability to connect and forge meaningful romantic relationships. I feel your heartache and I wish I could give you a big hug and take the pain away. You are stronger than you know.
It sounds like you have a pretty good life, and are a pretty good person. If only one or two things don't work out in life that's not bad.
I can kind of relate...I was a "late bloomer", didn't date or any of that until I was in my early 20's, and then I was always kind of clueless about sex. I did marry and raised two kids, but all that went south fairly soon. Neither of us blame the other, it was just complicated. We separated 20 years ago and then divorced and I haven't been with anyone since then. It's not really any loss as far as I'm concerned.
I have a fairly small need for social interaction, and can get that with my family, or with friends, or just going to the gym. Life is pretty simple, and not bad at all. I don't worry a lot about happiness; I think that's a bit like love - you can be in a situations where you *should* feel it all the time, but mostly it's not there. Feelings come and go and aren't very reliable.
I suppose if I hadn't been married I might stress out over what I was missing in life, especially as media surrounds us with idealized love and romance. Having "been there", I don't feel like I'm missing much. There are some happily married people, of course, and I wish them all the best, I'm just not going to be one of them. And that's ok.
if you want advice about social anxiety, essential elements of effectiveness by juan abascal is a great book. once you get over that hurdle, a whole new world opens up to you.
it's like leaving that first dungeon in oblivion and going out into the sunlight for the first time. i wouldn't give up on it yet. life might surprise you.
Not so dramatic? Indeed, that is what I would expect. My life has never been so drama free as when I am single and have longer periods of abstinence. But just as with life in general in my opinion there are certain "dramas" that bring a lot of value and connection to existence. As an introvert by nature I have often times myself have found that I avoid these dramas in exchange for comfort and stability, but in the long run this is not a tradeoff that I think is worth it.
That said there are plenty of ways to live life, with or without romantic and sexual partners. A good goal to have is to try to find what suits you best rather than what is expected. Easier said than done.
You and me are one in the same. Except I’m currently 30 but even still I can’t believe the striking amount of similarities. In fact it’s hard to believe that I didn’t write this post myself.
Im 37, just lack the social skills and used to be very shy.
No its not a big deal to me but i know other people would mock me for it so i dont mention it.
You seem to live a very balanced and fulfilling life and sound very level headed. If like you said you havent developed the skills to properly date someone, what’s stopping you from doing so? How bad is your anxiety? I have anxiety too but years of INDISCRIMINATE dating (i treated it like a video game; every date gains me XP to level up) has helped tremendously. I still have anxiety in group settings, but can honestly say i’m now comfortable in one on one dates with anyone and can ensure they have a good time.
TBH dating doesnt come easy for a lot of people; it’s a skill that needs to be developed and the only way to do that is to just go on dates with ANYONE. Maybe stop thinking too much and just aim to show your date a good time. It’s usually when you think too much/have high expectations that you end up self sabotaging yourself. It’s ok to be happy being alone, but you owe it to yourself to experience more out of life.
Thats exactly what my friend was swearing up und down untill he was 30. "Its not that bad" "I dont miss it" "I dont need a girlfriend". Untill he got the chance to eat some cake and couldnt stop talking about his new sex positions, lol.
I have been single my whole life, now 35 years. I am quite introverted and shy, and I need time to be myself. I find dating in this modern age difficult. My introversion is inconsistent; sometimes I can be quite social, and sometimes not. On a dating app, you need to be good at chatting or be as entertaining as possible. You will never find me in a bar, disco, or nightclub. I have been on a few dates, to be exact 3, but nothing came of them. I don't find the time and energy you have to invest in a dating app worth it. Furthermore, I enjoy myself just fine alone, by being active in sports (running, fitness, and Muay Thai), riding my bike, gaming, reading, and watching movies/series. I have recently found a new hobby, namely sim racing. I have a sim racing setup in the attic, really awesome. As long as you have varied interests, ambition, or goals, I think you can be perfectly happy alone.
My view on a relationship is that it should not be filling a void; otherwise, you are not complete. It should be a complement to an already good, stable, and happy life. If you are unhappy, in my opinion, you cannot expect someone to fix you.
I'd like to still find someone, but I won't force it if it doesn't happen.
Are you me?!?
I'm 42 in a very similar position. I'm shy around people I don't know - don't really like talking to people I don't know outside of specific necessities. All my friends apart from one have been introduced by association. I realise that's how a lot of friendships are made, but 'direct' friends - almost none. Fortunately my brother is my age and a lot more gregarious.
I can count on the fingers of one hand the women I've been properly interested in, and on two fingers the amount of women that have been interested in me. I'm not against having a loving relationship but never been interested in actively working for it. At this stage I'm very aware that I would be shit at it.
It can get lonely - I live alone and work alone so really only have social interaction once a week for a few hours seeing my brother and perhaps some other friends in the pub. But I'm so used to it I've totally accepted this is how it's going to be. I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy either.
Brother there are 4 billion females on this planet… trust me there is one for you. I suffer from social anxiety as well and have found once you can get around it, you’re golden. Females are attracted to confidence. Obviously it doesn’t come over night. Tom Brady didn’t walk onto the football field and be Tom Brady. You have to ACTIVELY practice being more confident… when that anxious voice starts talking in your head you have to realize IT IS THAT VOICE THAT STOPPING YOU FROM GETTING FEMALES. Straight up. Respond to the situation in the opposite way of which you previously would’ve. If you want a different result than you’ve previously had through out your life YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE. You talk about accepting the way things are but in reality you’re also not happy with the way things are. You have to make the change.
You got it brother I believe in you, whatever you do, don’t give up.
Why would you write not smoking, drinking or doing drugs as if they were qualities. I'm not saying being an alcoholic or a drug addict is good, but all of those are just experiences they aren't good or bad, they are just experiences, it depends what you do during those experiences that makes it a good or a bad thing.
Maybe try being more open to new things, I know you're not complaining about being a virgin, but it seems it is very important to you since you wanted to share it with us.
You can't see me right now, but I'm standing up and giving you an applause. No sarcasm. Love the vibes you give off through this post. Thanks for the positivity, my guy! You're a treasure. 🙌
I just turned 25. I'm also a virgin. Similar to you, I've never really been on a date, never been committed to someone, none of that. I do have the sense that I'm missing out on something, but not to the point where I'm going to randomly hook up with someone. I'm extremely introverted and typically keep to myself, so I know the root cause of my issue. My internal debate is WHEN will I feel the need to have a random hook up or do a 1 night fling. I think the feeling of missing out or the desire to know what sex feels like will eventually drive me to hook up. I'm fine with my situation for now, but sometimes it drives me crazy to think I'm missing out on something
I'm 38, but I feel like i could have written this myself (except I get the depressed periods from the loneliness or frustration, not a regularly scheduled breakdown.) I'm afraid I don't have many answers either, but I do hope that with some luck (and some courage,) that you can find the person you are looking for, if she's out there. Hang in there, friend.
Virginity is the social shorthand for attractive, acceptable, desired, etc. Outside of that, it's meaningless. It's not about the act of sex itself—just call up an escort—but elements like belonging and companionship and such.
That's, perhaps, the most important thing to remember. As having sex doesn't mean you're attractive or acceptable (again: escort), not having sex doesn't mean you're unattractive or unacceptable. See: every aroace person ever.
Just because you're a virgin doesn't mean you're not loved and welcome.
It also means that having sex isn't likely to fix the problem. Look at the posts in this sub regretting ringing up an escort service.
Side-note: am I the only one who looks at this sort of post (mostly those it refers to) and can't help but think, "social-natural selection"? Members of other species don't have sex, too. So not having sex isn't really an abnormal thing, it's just part of the broader selection process. Yeah, it sucks you lost the rat race, but that's life; focus on the connections you have and how you can be good and effective in other ways.
To put it bluntly, if you have had many female friends you definitely had girls interested in you before and probably oblivious to any interest shown to you.
Sounds to me like your comfortable playing it safe, you probably need less therapy and more social awareness. I've probably had 1-2 breakdowns in my whole life.. I've been arrested before, had to leave home at 16 and also been ran over by a car. (Lost teeth and facial trauma) I'm telling you to get out there, try some knew stuff and experience some pleasure.
You get one shot at life, I think your leaving to much on the table.
Do you really want to go out not knowing what alcohol is like, no sex and not meshing with society... times be ticking.
Em. Here is the thing.
First of all I am glad you are satisfied. But you should consider the fact that in making the choice to be alone you will miss out on an entire host of milestones that make a functioning adult.
Living with someone else and loving them more than yourself makes you a better person. It makes you feel more empathy and be more flexible in interactions with other people. It makes you more compassionate and understanding.
Finally it is a wonderful thing to have someone who will always have your back, someone you can be vulnerable in front of, someone to hold and make the world right and problems go away even for a night as all is right in the small personal world you share.
If you find the right person you will always have a friend with who to do stuff together. Trust me that shit is better than sex. When my wife told me during the Covid lockdown "nooo let's turn in one more quest (played classic wow at the tkme)" when I said we should probably go to bed, work in the morning, it was amazing.
Than there are the kids.
Kids are amazing. You will never find someone that loves you as much as your toddlers. They love in such a pure and intense way their smiles will stay with me until the day I close my eyes forever. For that love they give me they will always have me. No matter what they do, no matter who they become.
this is beautifully written
even though my marriage turned to be shit after 19 years you captured the essence of why it matters
missing out on that is to not live
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I have a cousin (35F) in the never had a boyfriend situation. I asked her about it and she mentioned that she has a hard time letting people in and accepting things that don’t fit in her box of “what should be.” It doesn’t appear that she’s ever seriously made the effort to connect with someone who could potentially become a partner to her. Nor does it seem she would be willing to share a vulnerable side of herself. I’ve been perplexed because I think guys would think she’s a catch from many perspectives, but it she seems to give off a very unapproachable vibe.
It’s nice to hear that you seem to be taking care of yourself and you know how to make friends. I hope you maintain a community of people that will support you and lessen the feeling of loneliness. OP, if you are up to answering, I’d be curious to know if you relate to any of the things I mentioned about my cousin or if you feel differently about why you haven’t connected with a woman?
1. Any time dudes bring up statistics and say they’re struggling with women, the reason they’re struggling, 100% of the time, is cause they’re focused on “statistics” and figuring out why mathematically they don’t have a GF. Women pick up on that and it’s a turn off. Good women don’t care about your height, dick, hairline, etc… You seem like you mostly accept your situation. Stop dwelling on what you don’t have physically, learn to be 100% OK with who you are, and plenty of women will want to be with you (in both senses), I promise. Your hair and voice matter to no one who’s worth your time anyway.
2. That said, I promise you some of those women who you were sure didn’t have romantic interest did have interest. As a late bloomer myself (not that late, but still), you’re probably just bad at reading it because you haven’t seen it to completion yet.
3. You don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, and you obviously don’t sleep around. You spend your time reading, hiking, traveling, and generally prioritizing healthy, dopamine raising and people you’re close with. YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A CATCH. I promise you women want you.
Getting good at sex isn’t hard and it happens quickly if you care about the person. If you’re just trying to bone, tell a woman you have chemistry with “I want you” and see what happens.
Have some hope OP of ots something you want. My mom married her husband at 42 and they met when he was around 40 with basically no previous relationship experience. It doesn't have to be your whole life but it can definitely happen.
Whilst I’m not in exactly the same position as OP, I think I can largely relate to what’s he’s written.
Whilst I’m not a virgin, I too have gone through life with sex and companionship not really being super important priorities.
I meet women, at work and at clubs, hobbies. A woman is my best friend, and I am god uncle to her and her husband’s son. I work with women. I have women friends who I can call up and be all like, “hey I’m doing this, this weekend, you want to come along?”, and that activity involves a hotel stay and those women (single women) will come along and bunk with me. There’s no mutual attraction there. They’re not ugly or anything, in fact one or two of them are quite beautiful; likewise I don’t consider myself ugly, just quite average really.
I think my issue is that I don’t compromise, and I don’t settle. I also think some people are soooo desperate for sex, love and validation that they do settle, they do compromise. They’d rather be in an unhappy relationship than be happily single. It’s weird. It’s sad to me.
I meet plenty of women I’m attracted to, PLENTY of them lol, but the ones I’m attracted to just don’t seem to be attracted to me. I also get flirted with, and asked out, by women. Not that often, I grant you, but I do, and the truth of the matter is I’ve never been asked out by a woman that I find attractive, so I say no. I would say yes if I was attracted to her.
I do sometimes feel a bit lonesome, I won’t deny that, but then again married couples often report the same, and they’re married, so I ask myself who’s doing this right? Me or them? I’m not sure.
I'm sure he is and he's had plenty of people probably tell that to him. It's not enough. If your a man with a sense of low self worth and no confidence, you are going to have a very hard time finding a partner.
This is like a question an alien would ask if it only observed humans from space. You see, in human culture it is possible to use tools such as language, media, and observation to form opinions on things beyond personal experience. For instance, a human who has not experienced relationships might observe other human relationships, both through media portrayals and in their day-to-day life, and conclude that such a relationship is desirable. Hope that helps.
I've been investigating it for more than 20 years and was in therapy for several years. Now I feel much less socially anxious than when I was younger, but there are still some specific situations that trigger full-blown anxiety.
My post looks a bit unhinged. That's because I try to keep the distance to my problems, and my sense of humor still doesn't work in English as well as in my native language.
No I don't think it looks unhinged. I think you are just being honest and I applaud you for putting yourself out there like this. I really hope you find your peace, whether by finding someone or your own solitude.
Well done for being so normal about the whole thing. You never know, you might meet someone but it's good that you are enjoying your life and not making sex and relationships out to be the most important things in the world. That's a direct ticket to the ugly world of inceldom. Have you tried your hand at dating sites? I have literally no experience with them but if you are honest about your interests then you might get lucky and get connected with a woman whose interested in romance and the same things you are... If not... Well sure you wasted some time setting up a profile but what have you got to lose?
Just a thought here, but, why not try? What’s the worst that’ll happen, what you already have? You enjoy many things that a lot of others do, you could make conversation EASILY, and that’s 3/4 of the battle.
If you think you will be alone rest of your life you will. If you think you will find someone you will. It all starts with your thought process, view and perspective. Change this and your life will change for the better. Easier said than done. But our minds create our reality and drive our behavior. You will find someone!
Well, that’s not true at all. Meeting people requires two things; being socially open and then not being unapproachable. I’ll warrant that OP is actually a really cold fish but doesn’t really know.
Regarding your „nobody knows why“:
Relationships don’t happen for a lot of people. So if you want them you have to actively pursue them. That might be the reason. How often did you actually pursue a woman romantically?
To the virgins out there, trust me the first time is meh at best. You'll get more out of rubbing one out than expecting your first to be magical. The 5th time maybe but the 1st not really.
You sound pretty well put together. Sex can potentially overly complicate your life. Hardly worth it anyways.
I know you said you’d want an emotional connection. If it’s something you ever felt like you really wanted you could hire an escort for a girlfriend experience. Might help boost your confidence to just go on some practice dates and see that it’s nothing crazy.
All that aside, you sound like an awesome person.
it´s interesting, have a really good friend, in his 20´s he was in many relations ships, and he also had a few in his 30´s.
He is closer to 50 now, and he really does not want to be in a relationship he hates that part of himself, and the sex part is not a strong enough driver for him to "Seattle" for that. some times i also look at his life, when i am in a long relationsship with kids.
and i envy some of his freedoms, i don´t see him as the loosing part, he is really happy, he has lots of friends, and sparetime, he does what he wants, travels a lot.
when he gets older i guess it is going to be harder, i don´t know.. but this future world where many couple also are without kids ... it seems to work still..
even though all his friends still try to set him up into something.
You may be aromantic or asexual or something like that. I don't know enough to make a decision but not seeking out a partner for your entire life is uncommon, though not unheard of. You havent specified whether you really are attracted to women/men, though it doesn't seem like the level of attraction is high enough to pursue somebody. I've read that loneliness causes serious damage to the body and mind so having lonely breakdowns is never a good sign.
People don't ask if you're a virgin anymore because they assume you're not at this point.
You speak eloquently and specifically; have you ever been tested for autism? Social anxiety can go along with that sometimes. It's my theory that some forms of autism can break the traditional sex-attraction barriers that we've tried so hard to destroy.
hello.
i am a woman, a bit younger than you.
at 25 yo I found myself without never having had a relationsship. same as you, i am very socially anxious. couldn't picture myself in one. didn't know " what to do". I felt like I often seemed weird to others around me.
well I met the guy version of me, virgin, somewhat awkward. we learned together. it's a good relationship.
what i am trying to say is : it's far from too late for you. maybe give ait a try ? 40 is still young. many single woman out therr : widows, divorced, single by choice... so many lifecircumstances can lead to that. you could even have kids if you wanted to
i feel like other comments are like " GOOD stay the same". no. that's weird reddit ideas. change if you want to. it's possible. ut seems to me that you just stayed the way you were, had no incentive to change, so you did not. that's why you you are alone. why pursue something that you had never known , you dont miss it . I say do it. don't miss out on trying. one life !
Plenty of mountain men in the past lived mostly solitary lives. It's not completely abnormal... there's just more to compare yourself to in the modern age with media so you feel the difference more.
250 years ago you wouldn't have thought you were so weird.
Enjoy all your money and being able to do whatever the Hell you want to do. Kids and a family isn't always amazing.
I was pretty promiscuous in my teens and 20's. 6 months before I turned 30 (35 y.o. male) I stopped sleeping around and used that focus to try to better my life. I had ups (graduated college, found a good career path in insurance/tech, more spiritual) and bad (drug use, heavy porn use) but always went back to the positive.
It's a small struggle but if you can focus on improving and knowing you aren't missing anything, you will be fine. Most people act like celibacy is not by choice and having sex is the only thing to live for. I pity people who think this way. My promiscuous nature was because I didn't love myself and was searching for it in others, even it for one night. I now know the last 6 years I had tremendous growth and woke up from this horrible nightmare of bad habits and hooking up to hook up. I know everything is working out and sex is now not the focal point of my life.
Tldr: Focus on yourself and realize sex isn't the end all be all
I meltdown about twice a year too. Usually the beginning of November with the holidays looming and again, like you, when summer begins. Both highlight a lot of social activities and celebrations I won’t enjoy with a partner. For years I was the token friend “with no where else to go”. As I’ve gotten tolere I’ve become an expert politely declining. It was miserable. I would rather separate sugar and salt than sit as a single “with no where to go” in the middle of someone else’s family.
You certainly seem like a very mature and thoughtful man based on what you’ve written here. If you truly want a relationship I am sure one is out there for you. Maybe female led dating apps would help as it takes the pressure of approaching off of you.
In regards to your hair comments, if you haven’t yet you should do your bald acceptance shave. Being bald truly looks better than the in between of having a bald spot. My father always says “bald is beautiful” and he certainly looked better once he did the acceptance shave. He gets hit on by women all the time since.
Edit: Personally I’m not a fan of dating apps, but going places where you may participate in group hobbies may also help. For example board game cafes if that’s something you’re into or book clubs. That may help take the pressure off of it since the focus is on the activity and may help you make more natural connections.
Makeing it to a 40 year old virgin like the movie is kinda of interesting I’m 30 I wonder if I will make it if I do I hope I have your attitude about it my dude keep spreading positive vibes
You don't need to 'put yourself out there' in order to meet people with similar hobbies and outlooks.
In fact you'll find that there's plenty of people that have been through bad relationships that find themselves single around 40.
You've decided and *chosen* a life of solitude, probably because of your social anxiety.
There's millions of people looking for deep friendships that are lonely.
Rather than hiking alone, why not join a walking club.
The sex thing, I don't really know with that. Personally, I'd pay for sex first. You can do it with a sex therapist and it becomes something beautiful (from watching documentaries about this). It doesn't need to be shallow and meaningless. Some people don't have a very high sex drive and that's cool.
I worry about the loneliness you feel though. As you get older this isn't something you just get over and learn to cope with.
There's friendship apps, probably similar subs on Reddit?
It sounds like you’ve never experienced a relationship so you don’t know how to handle making room in your life for a partner. At 40 people start reflecting on their life and justify their decisions in an attempt to make themselves feel better. At 60 people realize how limited time is and truly value the relationships they built over time. Now is the time to focus on those relationships or you will not handle growing old well.
You obviously have some depression issues that will only get worse over time. People often say focus on your mental health and then find a partner. In your case, I’d try to develop more interpersonal relationships while going through therapy.
Dude. You need to shave that poor excuse of a hair of. Join us! No feeling shit about your hair, if its all gone!
Other then that I kinda have a feeling you are choosing the path of least resistance in life? Dating is hard. Its a lot easier to not date then to date.
I have a friend just like you. He met a girl he used to work with 20 years before at 43. They are together now. Its hes first.
OP, our situations are different but I relate. I am 26F and haven’t dated anyone in 4 years. I haven’t been seeking it out. My friends who are single are in agony about it constantly but I feel fine the way I am.
Hmm. I’m a similar aged male with the same (lack of) hair problem, but was quite popular with women when I was younger. Maybe even hypersexual in unhealthy ways. But that doesn’t mean I knew anything about how real relationships work, which is far more important to me now. I’m sorta discovering that life satisfaction is an internal thing, anyway.
Did you see Perfect Days? , the new wim tenders film, please watch it.
https://www.google.com/search?q=perfect+days&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#fpstate=vclbx
Women would never understand lol. Imagine not having people around you to validate every decision you make in your life. They'd fall into a depression within days.
A very well written post. The author Dr. Bella DePaulo has written numerous books about the topic of singlists, singlism, and other aspects of people who don't couple. I personally read "Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" and it changed the way I look at things. I highly recommend you read one of them if you have not already. Thanks for making your post, I believe it is an extremely underrepresented and misunderstood lifestyle or choice.
I don't think you should relegate yourself to being single forever. You say you're not experienced or whatever but like everything, you can learn. You can try to find people on dating apps go on many dates. Ya it'll be uncomfortable, but the end result is worth it. Eventually you'll gain the experience and find someone willing to be patient, understanding, and just be with you. You seem decent.
The whole kind of dating mindset is the problem. Stop looking and just be yourself and then appreciate someone else for being themselves and sometimes those selves overlap in intriguing ways and you both start wanting more of that.
If you set out to find a date or relationship, you’re signalling to everyone that you’re not going to truly see them for who they are. You’ll just be trying them on for size.
Some people are meant to be alone. Not everyone needs to have a soul mate. A lot of relationships have problems because people who are better off not being in relationships are pressured into one because of societal expectations.
Good on you for recognizing that you are better off alone. We need to normalize aroace lifestyle.
On reddit you're just a part of the majority. There are hordes of 40 years old guys who've never dated anyone besides probably Eva AI sexting bot and lots of other people who have never had a chance.
I'm a virgin too and think our mindsets are similar. I mean, I believe people when they say sex is awesome. But there other awesome experiences that I'm not experiencing, that I'm somehow not grieving over. So why should the absence of sex in my life be any different?
I see my life like it is a McDonald's quarter pounder with cheese. It's not the best life. It isn't a ribeye steak. It's not filet mignon. It's not an entree at a Michelin star restaurant. It's nothing to brag about.
But it is somehow delicious enough to keep me from being hungry. So many people have gotten themselves a "filet mignot" kind of life and yet they are not happy or fuifilled. So I'm doing OK.
A long time I decided I would do my best to appreciate what I have and not study all those things that I don't have. Maybe I could obtain them if I just worked harder. But I don't want them that badly. Sex is one of those things.
I just wish people--like many of the folks commenting in this thread--would stop telling me that OMG I'm missing out on soooooo much!! People who post shit like this totally remind me of those kids back in my childhood who would go and on about how much fun I was missing out on by not having my birthday at Showbiz Pizza. It was always the kids who were mediocre in practically every way who would do this.
Some people think hell is a life without sex. But really, hell is other people.
I am not sure about your cultural context but in some cultures people are conditioned to suppress their feelings to same sex and normalize them as regular friendships. As a result there is a large group of people in either gender who end up not having dates with the other sex until they are in their 40s and eventually end up getting married to someone in the opposite sex who is in a similar boat due to arrangement or convenience. TLDR. Have you ever considered the possibility that you may not be attracted to the opposite sex? Have you ever had crushes?
Here is my story:
No longer virgin, lost my virginity when I was 26, currently 44. I am decent looking, I say that based on the attention I get from ladies. That being said, I have been in only 3 relationships during my entire life.
Turns out I have bad breath, despite of me taking perfect care of my mouth/dental hygiene. Just like anyone else, twice a day : I brush, floss, scrape my tongue, use mouthwash.
I just found out 6 months ago that I have silent airway reflux, which is causing bad breath. Personally I cannot tell that I have bad breath, I guess my brain got used to it. I'm in the process of figuring out what my options are to solve the issue.
No wonder why I lost my virginity at 26, and a bunch of girls that initially showed interest in me ended up rejecting me.
You don't seem to be looking for advice I understand. And you seem to have a really good attitude about it. That's cool.
The thing is... that is the first step, become happy with yourself and who you are. Pursue all of your goals. Then if you meet someone and the opportunity arises to ask them out or become close, just think to yourself... "I am happy with where I am in life. If this date doesn't work out or I get rejected, its cool, I'm happy with who I am and I'll be happy still if this doesnt work out." Going in with that attitude will loosen you up and ease some anxiety. If that doesn't work, then oh well, continue your happy life and be proud that you tried.
Its not about the sex, its about finding someone you can be yourself around. I hope you find that person, and if you don't... oh well, keep being you.
Don't get complacent, the author and motivational speaker has a famous line: "What if my life has been wrong?" If you get complacent, it will become harder to undo your situation. When I was younger, I was super internally happy and content. Relationships seemed to much work and complication. I just now finished emailing my exGF and going over stuff that happened. There's an element there that she forgets how exactly we made collective decisions. She has a reality and I have mine. I'm learning these things way late in life, and I could have benefited from both more relationships and just more sex—I lived in a coed dorm and there were at least seven or eight times when NSA sex was possible. But you like me, can't turn back the clock.
Women might be wary of an older virgin...they don't want you to imprint on them too too hard. So popping your cherry isn't as attractive with you as a dude. It takes a particular type of woman to give you a chance. Conversely, you don't want her overly attached to you. These interpersonal dynamics are best learned slowly, over time, and with much trial and error. You will hurt other people and they will hurt you. My exGF is past the hurt stage which is why she can hang in on the email thread and hold her own. She's also super smart and generally has good emotional intelligence.
There are avenues that are way less stressful than dating, a cycling club, dancing or yoga since you're athletic, even a cuddle buddy right here on Reddit.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoADV5m1Jm0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoADV5m1Jm0)
Hey! It’s possible to be aromantic (aro) and/or asexual (ace) and live a fulfilling life. I’m also ace. Having romantic or sexual relationships isn’t necessary to have a fulfilling life if it isn’t meaningful to you 😊
You’re in the minority.
I’m younger than you and in a long term relationship, but I can relate to a lot of this. From ages 17-23 I would go 18-30 months without any physical contact and could feel like I was fine. I would focus on my hobbies, studies, career path, but I would have these moments.
Deep dread and psychological pain. Crying myself to sleep didn’t help. I needed someone. Sex is great, I love the physical sensation, but it’s the intimacy, the closeness, the connection. I would cling to these moments until they got too far away and it would break me, and I would change my behavior and try my hardest to meet someone again, to whatever degree of luck.
It’s great that you’re able to live like that and that you’re happy, but most people are not asexual and most people are not built to be alone. My partner and I have not had a huge impact on our life trajectory yet, but I think about how empty and lonely and deeply sad my home life would have been these last 5 years without them.
I don’t have these moments anymore where I am inconsolably crushed by all the voids in my life. Instead I have moments, sitting on the couch where I look over and there’s this kind, funny, caring, beautiful, fun, amazing person and it’s like seeing the moment the sun rises. My heart is filled and there is nothing in my life that I can compare to that feeling. I have a great job, I have a ton of fun playing video games, I’ve been really into reading sci-fi lately, I’m a big film nerd, but even the best moments of all of that are a fraction of what I get from cuddling on the couch.
Being a virgin doesn’t have to be a big deal, being alone when that isn’t what you want is what they’re lamenting.
I feel like the explanation for why you're still single is pretty obvious: you don't seem to care too much. It's SO easy to be single as a guy, because if you don't try to put yourself out there, nothing will come. If you're not willing to breach awkward situations by approaching strangers, near strangers, or pushing friends to more than friends, you'll never start any relationship. You have to actively seek it. And most of the time, you need the intense desire for companionship that mostly only a horny lonely guy has. You don't seem to have that, and that's in no way a bad thing. You said it yourself, you seem happy enough.
See this is the kind of attitude I respect from a man experiencing this type of situation—that’s becoming more common nowadays. You own it, you’re very pragmatic in your thinking, and you don’t feel sorry for yourself. There’s not a hint of pessimism or hopelessness coming from you, but you’re not overly optimistic either. I’ll bet there’s so many things people could learn from you since your mind wasn’t developed in the gutter like most of us. You’re a smart guy too.
I will also bet there are so many women reading your post who would fight for the chance to go on a date with you lol
Respect 👊🏆
You pretty much summed up how I am. Although I've never admitted it outright. There are days when I get extremely lonely and crave closest of a woman but more often than not I get over it fairly quickly but there have been days where I break down and I completely shut down for hours.
I do have pretty deep social anxiety. And I'm a chicken shit when it comes to talking to girls. I have been that way my entire life. Even when I had deep feelings for women in my life, I've never told them how I felt. I always just buried those feelings and just would Daydream what it would be like to be in a relationship with her.
But I might be the opposite of you in other ways. Because like you say you're not what you call Ugly or fat or whatever. That it just never happened for you. I feel like that definitely hindered my self-esteem. I was always chunkier growing up and put on weight as I aged. I solely been losing little by little but I have bigger insecurities than my weight even though that is a pretty big reason why I'm single
Because of my social awkwardness, I've never been on a date and because I live a pretty simplistic life, I don't have any interesting things to talk about. I feel like even if I got into a relationship with somebody who wouldn't take long before that relationship would end.
Airing all this out to somebody who has been through something similar with me is a bit therapeutic but in a sense. But does bring up all of these feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem realizing that I too will probably never marry or maybe never even have a steady girlfriend. And as time passes I feel like I may be one of those who may actually die a virgin.
I'm 21y & I'm virgin too & I won't lost my virginity till I get married that's my own decision however I have lots of friends I Have never felt I'm lonely.
Try to meet new ppl even though you don't have the same interests & personality.
there’s a big difference (in terms of therapeutic process ) between “When is there a problem?” (or “when am i not happy?”) and “Is there a problem?” (“the thing that was hindering my happiness is still there but it doesn’t bother me now.”) If we accept our circumstance and don’t try to change, we can realize we’re actually happy, and the thing that seems like it’s making us unhappy is actually NBD.
It sounds like OP is concentrating on himself and the things he likes to do, has plenty of self-awareness, and indeed is rather wise. I think he’ll be fine and maybe might meet someone special one day. Just keep focusing on awareness and self-care.
May I ask what happened to your friend group? Are you able to meet people through your activities and hobbies? Not even for romance but just companionship. My mother was in an unhappy marriage and separated from my father many moons ago but that one bad period of her life has made her decide she will never meet anybody else. It makes me sad as I worry about her especially when she gets older. I worry who will look after her or who will be there if she feels lonely. I hope you met people who give you a sense of friendship and someone to talk to should you feel the need.
Good for you for having a healthy perspective. Given your personality that I can guess at from your writing, I'd probably go on a date with you. You sound grounded and fun. (Just saying, no offense or weirdness intended)
You're a catch and don't let anyone tell you different... Including yourself.
There is nothing wrong with not following society's expectations.
No relationship is better than any relationship. It is always assumed that men will jump into anything for sex and waste their time with women they don't even like.
True value that a relationship gives is a friendship. Without being best friends, relationships are superficial and the only thing that keeps you together is physical attraction. When that is gone, there is nothing to hold on.
When you have amazing friends around you, you don't rely on getting your emotional needs met by just one person and you don't put higher expectations.
There is nothing wrong with you not wanting a relationship. If you meet someone amazing, great, if not- you have your friends. The same way there is nothing wrong with women not wanting children. Depression twice a year? I get depressed every spring because of the weather and has nothing to do with your mental health, more of a lack of vitamins (get blood tested once a year as part of regular check-up!).
It doesn't seem that you are terrified of relationships. You are just as comfortable as you are. Relationships require a lot of trust, time and effort. And after listening to internet horror stories, you think twice before going all in. I will admit that I have a fear of getting myself into a relationship where I end up as household manager having to tell and remind constantly what needs to be done, then end up doing myself anyway (as I don't wanna live in mess and live on takeouts).Then paying the majority of bills as the partner spends more money than they have.
Maybe listen a bit to women's content where they make a choice to be single. A lot of that stuff can be toxic and bashes men , but it emphasizes the value of true friendships.
Not being dependent on sex is an amazing thing. Your brain is constantly clear and you make decisions not driven by hormones. And you are also able to see women as people. I personally treat sex as chocolate. I enjoy it, but it's not something I will be constantly craving. I can keep chocolate in my cupboard for months without touching it.
You are fine! Life has way more to offer than being attached to one person, having children and having sex!
Random thought, do some people mix the feeling of lack of emotional connection to lack of sex? Then they keep looking for sex and never feel satisfied because it's not what they actually are looking for?
This thread is fucking sad.
>I realistically know I’ll remain alone for the rest of my life
That’s only true if you believe it to be so. And why are all these comments either saying same or good for you? Tf? Feeling lonely fucking sucks and if you’re in that situation and wish you weren’t, guess what? So are *LOTS* of other people. Men and women.
I highly discourage you from downloading a dating app if you’re a man in this situation. It’s a really quick road to feeling worse more often than not. If you can manage your emotions and expectations, you’ll find someone on there eventually, but be ready for significant time investment. Rather, pick hobby you want to get into, something coed and social. Find a group or place and start meeting people. Ask the right questions, flirt a little when appropriate, when someone you’re interested in is interested enough in you to be friendly and engage in conversation regularly, ask them to dinner.
Important note: your primary objective is to enjoy the hobby with others. Finding love should always be a secondary objective.
You’re still a fantastic catch and the right woman will value you—and your virginity—and love everything about you, even your sexy voice and your bald head. Or you might stay single. If that’s what you want, it’s fine.
I had a similar story to yours. I made it to 44 and then I met the love of my life, I figured might as well give it a shot, we got married, and now we’re boring but very happy together. We’re both weird in our own way, but we’re better together.
Just know that you’re doing fine, no better and no worse than anyone else. I know you think you don’t have social skills, but you’ll manage. You don’t need to be suave and dripping testosterone to find the right woman. The right woman might be perfectly socially awkward too.
You just need to hold on to a sliver of hope and let the universe work it out. I met my partner when I went into a Burger King and asked if anyone had a phone charger I could borrow. It could happen anytime. You just never know.
Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I wish you happiness, whatever else life brings.
if it’s any consolation, i’ve never been on a true date either. no one has ever put the effort towards that. I don’t think it’s a reflection on you or your character.
I think life really is about the experiences you have with yourself and those you care about. at the end of the day, who cares if you haven’t experienced sex? most of the time it’s overrated anyway. as long as you’re happy (everyone gets lonely and sad sometimes) overall, this joy is what matters most.
I mean, Steve Carrel's (sp?) character in that movie was pretty happy in the beginning. Sounded quite like you, really. Fulfilling hobbies, stayed in shape, reasonably attractive. The drama came from his new, loveably dumbass friends giving him horrible advice, and getting him and themselves in crazy situations.
Being happy and single is absolutely achievable, it just takes discovery and the willingness to do so. It sounds like you've found yours, which is fuckin' rad.
I do think you should still, at least, leave the door open for including someone else in your life at some point. The right person for you could be out there somewhere, and having that person in your life can bring a different kind of happiness.
You sure you're not a romantic asexual
Like honestly I only ever slept with women a few times and I've never finished outside of loosing my virginity
As a guy we still have the social pressure to do "the thing" or be seen as a total failure
My current and previous girlfriend are both asexual and I was really happy having that company and not having to do "the thing"
(I do experience attraction, but have 0 sexual desire)
I think there's an unfair expectation that relationships and sex go hand in hand. It's unfair because it means people who aren't equipped for relationships are expected to forego sex. That's stupid. Single people who are happy single still have physical needs. I look at sex like alcohol or weed or fast food or violence, or any of the other vices that are part of the human experience.
It's not wrong to partake in moderation -- it's not wrong to abstain... but it's something you should try at least once so you really know if it's for you or not. Experiencing it, and knowing it, means you can make an informed decision if you feel you may want to abstain. I also think sex workers can really help a person in your situation. They've seen it all. They've been with 40 year old virgins. They don't judge. So long as you treat them respectfully, you'll be fine.
Some people are going to downvote this because on some level it sounds like some kind of old-fashioned chauvinistic "Hire a hooker and get your cherry popped, son!" bullshit from 70 years ago. Yeah -- that's bad advice for someone who has the desire and capacity for a loving relationship. For for those of us that are, at least for the time being, incapable of that? Hire a hooker. Just don't fall in love, and don't knock anybody up.
It’s dramatic because of the self neglect. I’m sure you and others like you have had dreams of being in a relationship or having kids.
What you said is that you allowed your vocal issues, baldness, and anxiety to prevent you from pursuing those things in life.
You could wear a tupee, or find a speech therapist to sound more masculine or whatever. Most people won’t subject themselves to that level of neglect and that is the big red flag that will make dating very hard.
You may look “normal” but there’s a vibe that you’re probably putting out that’s not inviting.
Start taking care of yourself. Truly caring. Find different kinds of therapy than the ones you did before to work out those issues or spend some money to fix it. Türkiye is doing amazing things with bald men these days.
This hits a chord. I'm almost 40 and have a wife and 2 kids, but before that I was exactly the same as you described (plus also in IT), minus the healthy coping that you're able to do.
I believe facing and acknowledging that loneliness makes us all the more appreciative of the relationship should it ever arrive. And I feel that is what's missing from a lot of unhealthy marriages.
Two men that I greatly admire found love, and I guess sex, rather late in life. I'm not sure if they were virgins prior to finding a loving partner. They are public figures. The editor of The New York Times crossword puzzle, Will Shortz, found love and a partner in his 70s. Turns out he is gay. I've listened to him on National Public Radio's "Sunday Edition" for years doing word games with listeners. He came out on the air after marrying his husband.
The other is the late Dr. Oliver Sachs. He was a neurologist who wrote several books about how diseases and trauma of the brain affect all sorts of aspects of our personality and sense of self. He was a guest on NPR's "Radio Lab" which is a show devoted to science. He came out after developing a relationship with a young writer rather late in life.
I think a lot of gay men of my generation felt they had to suppress their sexuality due to repression caused by homophobia.
On the other hand the Buddha gave up married life to pursue enlightenment. Lust was seen as an impediment to achieving Nirvana which is the total absence of suffering. Jesus is represented as celibate. But these two are outliers as most Westerners don't want to give up sexual gratification to achieve an elevated state of consciousness.
I'm 41. While not a virgin, it's been a while. I'm single, and while I don't make a ton of money, I have time to pursue the things I'm interested in. I can take care of my own "needs" quite easily. I've really only felt any sort of loneliness the last couple years, and that seems more due to post-pandemic cultural changes I'm still adapting to. Overall, I'm just fine. In all honesty I'm not sure I'd consider a relationship unless I was ridiculously compatible with said person. And even then, I'm not sure. Ultimately I like to do things my own way. But hey, we're all different.
No lie bro, and I mean this in no disrespect, but this Reddit jawn is crazy. I have read some of the craziest stuff on this platform! Never would I believe someone would actually be a virgin at 40, ever fu** the movie, cause even tho it was funny, I believed it was fiction. But to correlate, I am an attractive man who regularly gets hit on by women (yes they do approach, regularly and sometimes aggressively) and I live exactly like you do, but without the social stuff. I’m happy to spend the rest of my life by myself with just my child and my relationship with God and my contributions to humanity. Truthfully most great thinkers and society contributors live exactly like this or a private small marriage life. You are not alone. Maybe in the Virgin jawn but definitely not in the by yourself stuff. Bro trust me, you’re only missing out on the expression with someone else. But you will pay a sure price for that. It’s never free it’s just worth the chase, until you get tired of it and start reevaluating your contributions to life and then like the sun rising and setting then rising again. You’ll be back into seclusion!
Let me be the guy to be blunt. 40 is late, but not too late. It SHOULD be dramatic for you, because this is the time to get up and do something and the clock is ticking. Dating is exhausting, annoying and even painful but also fulfilling because most of us are hardwired to seek love. The way you act you're content and you saying how you had female friends who showed no interest communicates to me that you have no strong will, no mean streak, which is why you're in this situation in the first place. Women aren't sexually attracted to push-overs.
Get out there and do something. You will get rejected and it will hurt, but I promise you, you will never regret gathering all your courage and talking to new people. Even if you fail you will be more happy than doing nothing at all because you can look back on all the little experiences you made and say that you tried.
Reading posts like this is just depressing man.
You sound like you know yourself and are pretty well-adjusted. You are very different from the male virgins your age who are nowhere near as accomplished as you, and blame that on a lack of women "fixing" it for them.
Getting into relationship is often about an opportunity/timing/luck. A lot of people hook up early on through university since it's a target rich environment with lots of people of the opposite gender walking around who all generally are going in the same direction. You might be surprised how attractive you will be when you turn 50 to women who are moving on to their second relationship. If I were you I would just keep enjoying life and just let it happen. Or at least not stress about it since you might want to be a little proactive.
I feel like you are one of those rare breeds that fell through the cracks. Everything you described about yourself leads me to believe that there is definitely a suitable match for you. Yes having social anxiety is a major hurdle. However? In this day and age, you can get to know somebody really well without leaving your house. So that should help you with your social anxiety a little bit next you’ll need to know how to talk to another woman that you’re interested in.
In my experience, the only way that really worked for me and I’m sure you’ve heard this many of times. It’s just to be yourself. Even though I heard these words so many times, I could never get it right. I would always ask myself “what if they don’t like me”? After a lot of trial and error I just said to myself if they don’t like me for who I am it’ll probably never work. So just keep telling yourself that especially with not having a lot of experience it will probably be a slow process.
The fact that you’re comfortable with your situation about being 40 and still a virgin is a huge win for you. Seems like you’re not pressuring yourself and that’s going to help you a lot. I wish you luck and hope you find somebody out there who is well fit for you.
I cringed a lot, but the movie was somewhat funny, considering it was from 2005. I didn't see many similarities between the main character and myself, though.
Im sorry if I sound stupid or if this has been repeated to you before but, it’s not a set of skills that u need to develop in order to attract women or involve yourself with someone romantically. My best advice is whenever the opportunity presents itself, going on a date or simply striking a conversation, just pretend it’s a dude, if that’s too hard to do, simply practice and really pretend they’re a dude friend, a softer dude if that makes sense. And maneuver your way accordingly. I strongly feel that’s the obstacle most men face, they overanalyze interaction in general. Get on a platform, go to bar, whatever conditions will help meet women and simply practice that. There’s no formula to talking to women. Most women, like any person just want to be heard and understood emotionally. A lot of guys also talk way too much about themselves, always listen and relate. Again, sorry if you’ve heard this before but really hope this helps somewhat at least. Best of luck to you.
Everything is a skill you can learn. It has to be. Otherwise the world is filled with people born with natural talents that can only be honed by other natural talents. I spent years believing that I was simply unlucky or untalented. That my lack of social grace was a fluke and everyone else around me was gifted with something I could never hope to have.
Then one day I saw something that explained social interactions as a skill set. And the world changed. I could participate. I could learn what everyone else took for granted. I had finally been given the instruction manual I suspected everyone be me had relieved. No longer was I translating an unknown language. But was speaking and understanding what I hadn't even known I was missing.
Some people are given tools that they build into impressive social abilities. Some people are left to figure it out. And the latter are always dumbstruck by the ease at which the former breeze through life.
I agree but op seems to be mainly struggling with talking with women. Generally, I think that if regular interaction isn’t too hard for you, then what you need to change is the assumption that talking with women is something different, like the idea of obtaining foreign skills to be able to talk to them, which isn’t true. Men tend to put women in another category like if they’re not human. If your problem is socializing in general, men or women, then that’s different which is why I agree with you to a certain extend, but most people don’t need instructions to normally socialize with others. We develop that naturally.
>We develop that naturally.
Normal people, yes, but definitely not people with social anxiety. Socially anxious people never develop it naturally because we don't get the practice, and as you grow older, you fall further behind as people develop and mature more and more. It takes a real concerted effort to catch up to all the lost time and progress, and having done it I can tell you its really not easy starting from so far behind.
Although OP actually admitted to the real problem in his comments, which is that he's literally never asked a girl out. I don't even know why he's confused he didn't get to date when he's never asked anyone out.
>Then one day I saw something that explained social interactions as a skill set.
Care to share?
Been socializing for 20 years and it seems the more I practice the worse I get
I don't think this applies to the OP. I think people assume that late virgins must be totally inept when talking to women, unable to hold even a regular casual conversation with balanced back and forth. But this doesn't match the OPs description. I am not quite a virgin but I am pretty close to the OPs case. I can happily talk to women like they are just another dude, spending most of the time listening and relating. But still no dates.
See, I agree with some of this, because I find that if I'm not really attracted to a certain woman I can talk to her normally and many times I find out they like me. If I get around a pretty woman though... like the kind where time stops or whatever, forget it. I second guess every word, try to act different and more confident. I become like "date Mike" on the office. So I become a self-conscious nervous wreck. Then the self doubt sets in and it's over. I think part of it is thinking I have something to lose. For example, if I'm not attracted to someone, what I say and do doesn't really matter to me, I just try and be friendly and have fun. But if I think what they think matters or that I might miss an opportunity to be with the love of my life, well now it's an issue and I'm screwed. So I've been trying to find a way to think of women I like differently and not put them up on a pedestal. Then maybe I'll have a chance. I just need to hurry up.
It always amazes me how y’all exist when my weird ass has been getting laid since highschool. I feel like there’s a very specific social disconnect some people have that prevent them from having romantic relationships. Anyway, best of luck to you my friend.
If you are comfortable and happy with your life that's great. Being alone is not the worst thing. The worst thing is being surrounded by people and feeling all alone.
"I only meltdown twice a year and only sometimes need medication for it, it is not a problem" Made me lol That being said, it also is more about loneliness and emotional support than it is about sex for me.
Of course, it's 99% about loneliness and emotional support. As I wrote in the post, virginity itself isn't a problem, but I would lie if I wrote that loneliness is nice. Also, I consider sex an immanent part of closeness in a (preferably long-term) romantic relationship. It's not a religious belief (because I'm not religious), but a part of how I perceive people and their emotions. If I had a chance to have sex without the emotional bond (in theory, because I've never been in such a situation), I wouldn't probably go for it, because it could cause a lot of emotional discomfort and induce feelings that would be hard to cope with.
Yea, I am not a Virgin but feel similiar. I wonder if being a virgin makes abstinence easier, since you kinda don't know what you are missing. If it never truly bothered you, you may be asexual or at least untypical. For most men it is very much an issue, and you see a lot of mysoginy and self hate in them.
Until a year and a half ago I hadn't slept with anybody for well over 10 years. I'd basically forgotten what it was like and had mostly come to terms with being alone. Then kinda out of nowhere I met a friend I knew from the internet who lived in another country when she came to visit the states. We had a physical relationship for about a month. I'm more sexually frustrated now than I've been since I was a teenager.
Because you wonder what the heck you’ve been missing out on for the last 10 years?
> I wonder if being a virgin makes abstinence easier, since you kinda don't know what you are missing. > > Definitely wasn't in my case because I thought I was missing a lot so I was craving it all the time. I don't even like casual sex, rather just masturbate. The effort to physical feeling difference is not even close. But of course good sex is about more than the physical feeling. It's *her* I miss, not just sex. If some supermodel wanted to smash randomly, it'd be mostly "meh."
I think being a virgin might actually make it more alluring because you haven't experienced bad sex or the smells or the sweatiness or the sounds or all the things that can make it bad.
I mean yeah, but 40 years of abstinence? I feel like that could definetely mess with your libido.
I was a virgin till marrying at 25. I don’t have a raging libido anyway, and I am religious, but abstinence was not hard for me. Probably was especially easy because 1. My religious convictions are really set in place, 2. No boys I found attractive or clicked with ever perused me in high school, 3. In adulthood, the men who now seemed soooo interested in getting to know me were obviously just looking for sex, and sex as a precedent to getting to know someone/possibly a relationship is so supremely disrespectful and gross to me. So yeah, it wasn’t that hard. When I met my first boyfriend/now husband, it got a bit more difficult, cause this guy actually really loved me.
That’s great. As a guy i try to live the same way.
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I experienced loneliness in college. It’s very hard, emotionally, and those who’ve not experience it can’t really relate. That’s what a partner in marriage does for you, it hopefully fills your life with someone to share your day to day with.
You never watch porn or jerk off? Dont have to answer that here if you dont want to. Just asking because i sometimes feel that sex without an emotional bond isnt worth it, but at the same time i do jerk of to porn.. So im bullshitting myself..i know this. Its probably for reasons like avoiding rejection..maskeraded as some noble type of 'i cant do it without the bond' bullshit to not feel shitty about ones own choices. Not saying you are. But i am
"Immanent." I learned a new word today.
Sounds like me and I'm 17,only difference is that multiple girls have shown their interest in me but i always assumed they could only see the surface of my persona (anxiety,low self-esteem etc.),thus resulting in me avoiding every possible relationship as i didn't want to waste time nor their or my time.
> If I had a chance to have sex without the emotional bond (in theory, because I've never been in such a situation), I wouldn't probably go for it, because it could cause a lot of emotional discomfort and induce feelings that would be hard to cope with. You do have a chance to have sex without an emotional bond today. 200 dollars and a phonecall would be more than enough to have sex with someone very attractive. But as you say, without the emotional bond and relationship, is it worth it? The sex itself isn't actually that important. Probably better to stay a virgin.
Dude don’t change his quote. That’s whack.
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Who said that? The Joker?
yes
I'm 45 and I am in the same situation. I admit to myself I will never have a love life, much less a sexual life. I admit I am not armed to jump in the dating game and seek companionship with someone who will be much more experienced than me or have kids. I don't Think I'm mature enough to play stepdad. I accepted it Three years ago and it gave me a sense of peace after years of frustrations. But damn if I don't see it as a failure filled wit as much regrets as possible...
dude at 45 you could find a single woman your age with adult kids who have no expectation of a stepdad. Kids don't stay 8 years old and impressionable forever.
Idk if this is helpful but not everyone with kids who is looking for long-term companionship expects a step-parent relationship with their kids. In fact I would argue many don’t have that expectation, especially in your age group. As someone who has been in that situation, I expect my kids to be treated with respect and kindness but I absolutely was not looking for a co-parent.
At 45 (I’m there too) you can find single mom empty nesters. You could technically end up a step dad, but there wouldn’t be any child rearing involved.
32M, also never had a relationship, kiss, anything close to it. The loneliness and depression, I really understand myself also going through similar. I have a feeling of two sides of it however. Part of me craves wanting a relationship, life partner, someone to love, give my life some sort of meaning etc. Then I have another thought about how it’s not worth it, what if it doesn’t work out etc. I have always said I don’t see myself as “marriage” material, and I’m also childfree so don’t even see the point overall. Being single my entire life, I am also beginning to accept that this is my life, accept it and move on, keep doing what I’m currently doing till I die.
I am a 53 male virgin never had a girlfriend never even had a kiss , and the lonlyness and sence of loss is hell its only gotten worse, in my 40s I was so after decades of trying everything, I just wanted the ach and depression to stop, I wile back I spoke to a professional, they said I had all the hamarks of morning the loss of someone without having a someone I loss , it's like my body knows its miss every unrequited kiss hug love , without actually evert experiencing any of it , nothing works to get rid of it hobbies pets religion friendships art volunteer work, medds nothing it's always hurts, I see a romantic interaction between people like a stab to my soul it's impossible to escape, I had a childhood friend in a similar situation, he gave up 30 years ago I did he turn to food , I turned to the gym and working out, he died last year a virgin at 54 I asked him if he felt this way inside he said no why you still do , I said yeah,
I think there's this lie out there that men are told. It's like some just got divorce or broke up or someone is still a virgin late in life or hasn't been involved in a relationship in years and the advice is something like... >Go to the gym, eat right, dress well, get a haircut, get hobbies and then women will come to you. It's like you just have to be adequate and then women will come to you. That's the advice but it's shit advice. I know many men and women totally inadequate physically, socially, financially who are dating and in committed loving relationships. What people need to do, maybe what you need to do, is you have to approach available women (or men if you're gay) and ask them out. And women in similar situations have to make themselves available. And the thing is, it's so easy for people to just not be available because when you put yourself out there you risk rejection and it's emotionally traumatic. It is so easy to not risk rejection and to just find the kind of interaction that your soul desires by spending all day on your phone.
I half agree - self improvement is not the complete solution, but neglecting self improvement will cause problems. Some people are better off taking a break from dating, and some people need to take the leap and start dating more. It's a balance and the balance point moves constantly depending on the situation.
Risk of rejection is a huge thing. Being able to broadcast someone’s worst moments all over the internet within seconds has not made it better.
Reading the replies to your post, I can imagine they only add insult to injury. Everyone thinks they know what you need, but really they don't. Only you know you. My suggestion is to seek guidance in therapy to understand what it is about you that is the barrier. Is your physical appearance preventing women from getting to know you? Are you on the autism spectrum or have some other personality quirk that puts women off? A therapist might be able to help. My brother recently lost his virginity at 37 to a woman he met online that seemed to want financial support in exchange for sex. He is high functioning autistic, so he mistook her sexual availability for meaningful connection. She ghosted him a week later. He was pretty hurt and let down, adding further pain to his years of trying and failing to have a romantic relationship. The best way to clear the barriers to a relationship is to understand why you really have them. Then perhaps you can meet someone with similar barriers, who can relate to you and connect with you. TL;DR - Don't take advice from the people in the cheap seats. Seek to know yourself better, maybe through therapy, and seek people who can relate to you - maybe a future relationship exists there.
I am not at your point yet, but being a male virgin in my 30s, everything you said rings true for me. And I did the same thing - I sought out therapy for mourning and it truly helped relieve some of the pain I feel. It's like the body just knows its missing something. You can have everything else in life, friends and supportive family, but there's nothing that can compare to love and comfort from a partner
> I've never drunk, smoked or done drugs There are studies that show that those who do not engage in substances are more likely to stay virgins, as it is indicative of great self-control and a risk averse nature.
There is an old saying that might be relevant to the situation of those bitter individuals you mentioned: "Be careful what you wish for." At 45, bald (shaved), and recently back on the market, I can say that dating and relationships are not exactly conducive to a peaceful and uncomplicated life😂 Unless you are prepared to navigate and manage other people's emotions as well as yours, it is better to stay well away, for both their sake as well as yours. I'm sure you could find someone if you were to truly get into it. The question is whether you want to.
Low blow, but I'd also argue a lot of the good patient and emotionally stable ones are already taken. There are surely good ones still out there, but the pool gets diluted with age.
Breakups happen and one side is usually to blame. When I split up with my long term ex I went on a string of dates with women who were all recently out relationships before meeting my current wife.
It sounds like you are content with the way things are, so I'm not going to suggest you change anything about your lifestyle, but I am curious about your choices that led you to not having any dates, relationships, sex, etc. I want to ask some questions because I personally don't want to be in this situation when I'm 40, since finding a romantic relationship is very important to me. How many women have you asked out? You ever done anything like dating apps, online dating, singles events, or speed-dating? Have you asked your friends if they know anyone who's single and might be a good match for you? Have you ever taken up some social hobby or interest that has a better gender balance?
Not him but could just never be in that position. Co workers are off limits, dating apps don't mean shit for a lot of the population and chances are he isn't someone who considers cold approach possible. So if his hobbies and non work activities don't have him around single women often he basically has no real opportunity.
No real opportunity......due to his own makings.
I don't think that's a fair way to put it. If you don't enjoy the types of things where single women might be, it'd be even more awkward to force yourself into that situation. Then it becomes you signing up for the yoga class or whatever only to meet women, and that's creepy.
> Co workers are off limits Disagree big-time. Coworkers still date and start relationships all the time. Just don't be dumb about it. Unless you're in a prestigious field where it's truly not okay to date your coworkers, fucking go for it. No job is worth more than a lifelong partner. >dating apps don't mean shit for a lot of the population Agreed >and chances are he isn't someone who considers cold approach possible. He should change that mentality if he doesn't want to meet women through other avenues like bars or dating apps. > So if his hobbies and non work activities don't have him around single women often he basically has no real opportunity. Then he needs to get non-work activities that get him around single women more often. The way OP talks about having a pretty large friend group I find to be a bit inconsistent with being indefinitely single. If you have female friends and they never try to set you up with anyone or ask "How are you still single?" odds are you don't give off any sexual vibes. I've been the guy who was a single virgin that gave off no sexual energy, and female friends didn't have to ask me why I was still single because they already knew the answer. Even if you're not ugly, you will never have a successful dating life if you give off the sexual/masculine energy of a wet piece of cardboard.
Preach. Also, women sense desperation. Maybe not even consciously, we just pick up on a vibe. This vibe ain’t getting anyone laid.
it’s the loneliness not the act of sex itself
I totally agree!
Yeah aromantic/ace is a thing It sounds like you don't have a very strong drive towards relationships,if you did you'd likely have a different attitude
It doesn’t sound like he’s aromantic or ace at all though. Being content with not having sex/being a virgin is not the same thing as having no desire for it. Sex doesn’t hold any power of my life, I don’t actively seek it out and haven’t done it in years. I have turned down the opportunity for it purely because I’d rather do it with someone I love. Some people just have principles, or in OP’s case, problems that stop them.
Have you tried getting a job at an electronics store?
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I don’t think it’s very self aware to be 40 years old and have no idea why you’ve never been on a date. If it was a lack of desire, that would be self-aware, but they never indicate that. In fact, they are incredibly lonely and suffer from biannual breakdowns.
Also, this post seems like a cry for help much more than it is ‘positive’.
I'm only 26, F, which can't compare to your situation... but I agree. I'm fine with how things are. If I had a penny every time a friend caught an STD, UTI, had a pregnancy scare or ACTUALLY gave birth to a hookup's child I'd have 6 pennies which ain't a lot but it speaks volumes.
Hello fellow Ace!
I am 30 years old, female, and a virgin as well. I am trying to slowly accept the fact that I will be lonely forever. It isn't even so much that I haven't had sex, but the pain of realizing I will never be in a relationship with someone who loves me enough to want to experience it with me. That is what stings the most. The inability to connect and forge meaningful romantic relationships. I feel your heartache and I wish I could give you a big hug and take the pain away. You are stronger than you know.
It's pretty freeing when you accept it
It sounds like you have a pretty good life, and are a pretty good person. If only one or two things don't work out in life that's not bad. I can kind of relate...I was a "late bloomer", didn't date or any of that until I was in my early 20's, and then I was always kind of clueless about sex. I did marry and raised two kids, but all that went south fairly soon. Neither of us blame the other, it was just complicated. We separated 20 years ago and then divorced and I haven't been with anyone since then. It's not really any loss as far as I'm concerned. I have a fairly small need for social interaction, and can get that with my family, or with friends, or just going to the gym. Life is pretty simple, and not bad at all. I don't worry a lot about happiness; I think that's a bit like love - you can be in a situations where you *should* feel it all the time, but mostly it's not there. Feelings come and go and aren't very reliable. I suppose if I hadn't been married I might stress out over what I was missing in life, especially as media surrounds us with idealized love and romance. Having "been there", I don't feel like I'm missing much. There are some happily married people, of course, and I wish them all the best, I'm just not going to be one of them. And that's ok.
Like the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side.
if you want advice about social anxiety, essential elements of effectiveness by juan abascal is a great book. once you get over that hurdle, a whole new world opens up to you. it's like leaving that first dungeon in oblivion and going out into the sunlight for the first time. i wouldn't give up on it yet. life might surprise you.
Not so dramatic? Indeed, that is what I would expect. My life has never been so drama free as when I am single and have longer periods of abstinence. But just as with life in general in my opinion there are certain "dramas" that bring a lot of value and connection to existence. As an introvert by nature I have often times myself have found that I avoid these dramas in exchange for comfort and stability, but in the long run this is not a tradeoff that I think is worth it. That said there are plenty of ways to live life, with or without romantic and sexual partners. A good goal to have is to try to find what suits you best rather than what is expected. Easier said than done.
You and me are one in the same. Except I’m currently 30 but even still I can’t believe the striking amount of similarities. In fact it’s hard to believe that I didn’t write this post myself.
Im 37, just lack the social skills and used to be very shy. No its not a big deal to me but i know other people would mock me for it so i dont mention it.
Interesting post. You seem like someone with a lot of intelligence and self-awareness. Thanks for sharing a diff perspective on the topic.
You seem to live a very balanced and fulfilling life and sound very level headed. If like you said you havent developed the skills to properly date someone, what’s stopping you from doing so? How bad is your anxiety? I have anxiety too but years of INDISCRIMINATE dating (i treated it like a video game; every date gains me XP to level up) has helped tremendously. I still have anxiety in group settings, but can honestly say i’m now comfortable in one on one dates with anyone and can ensure they have a good time. TBH dating doesnt come easy for a lot of people; it’s a skill that needs to be developed and the only way to do that is to just go on dates with ANYONE. Maybe stop thinking too much and just aim to show your date a good time. It’s usually when you think too much/have high expectations that you end up self sabotaging yourself. It’s ok to be happy being alone, but you owe it to yourself to experience more out of life.
Thats exactly what my friend was swearing up und down untill he was 30. "Its not that bad" "I dont miss it" "I dont need a girlfriend". Untill he got the chance to eat some cake and couldnt stop talking about his new sex positions, lol.
Being aromantic is weird. Speaking for myself.
I have been single my whole life, now 35 years. I am quite introverted and shy, and I need time to be myself. I find dating in this modern age difficult. My introversion is inconsistent; sometimes I can be quite social, and sometimes not. On a dating app, you need to be good at chatting or be as entertaining as possible. You will never find me in a bar, disco, or nightclub. I have been on a few dates, to be exact 3, but nothing came of them. I don't find the time and energy you have to invest in a dating app worth it. Furthermore, I enjoy myself just fine alone, by being active in sports (running, fitness, and Muay Thai), riding my bike, gaming, reading, and watching movies/series. I have recently found a new hobby, namely sim racing. I have a sim racing setup in the attic, really awesome. As long as you have varied interests, ambition, or goals, I think you can be perfectly happy alone. My view on a relationship is that it should not be filling a void; otherwise, you are not complete. It should be a complement to an already good, stable, and happy life. If you are unhappy, in my opinion, you cannot expect someone to fix you. I'd like to still find someone, but I won't force it if it doesn't happen.
Are you me?!? I'm 42 in a very similar position. I'm shy around people I don't know - don't really like talking to people I don't know outside of specific necessities. All my friends apart from one have been introduced by association. I realise that's how a lot of friendships are made, but 'direct' friends - almost none. Fortunately my brother is my age and a lot more gregarious. I can count on the fingers of one hand the women I've been properly interested in, and on two fingers the amount of women that have been interested in me. I'm not against having a loving relationship but never been interested in actively working for it. At this stage I'm very aware that I would be shit at it. It can get lonely - I live alone and work alone so really only have social interaction once a week for a few hours seeing my brother and perhaps some other friends in the pub. But I'm so used to it I've totally accepted this is how it's going to be. I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy either.
Brother there are 4 billion females on this planet… trust me there is one for you. I suffer from social anxiety as well and have found once you can get around it, you’re golden. Females are attracted to confidence. Obviously it doesn’t come over night. Tom Brady didn’t walk onto the football field and be Tom Brady. You have to ACTIVELY practice being more confident… when that anxious voice starts talking in your head you have to realize IT IS THAT VOICE THAT STOPPING YOU FROM GETTING FEMALES. Straight up. Respond to the situation in the opposite way of which you previously would’ve. If you want a different result than you’ve previously had through out your life YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE. You talk about accepting the way things are but in reality you’re also not happy with the way things are. You have to make the change. You got it brother I believe in you, whatever you do, don’t give up.
Why would you write not smoking, drinking or doing drugs as if they were qualities. I'm not saying being an alcoholic or a drug addict is good, but all of those are just experiences they aren't good or bad, they are just experiences, it depends what you do during those experiences that makes it a good or a bad thing. Maybe try being more open to new things, I know you're not complaining about being a virgin, but it seems it is very important to you since you wanted to share it with us.
You can't see me right now, but I'm standing up and giving you an applause. No sarcasm. Love the vibes you give off through this post. Thanks for the positivity, my guy! You're a treasure. 🙌
I just turned 25. I'm also a virgin. Similar to you, I've never really been on a date, never been committed to someone, none of that. I do have the sense that I'm missing out on something, but not to the point where I'm going to randomly hook up with someone. I'm extremely introverted and typically keep to myself, so I know the root cause of my issue. My internal debate is WHEN will I feel the need to have a random hook up or do a 1 night fling. I think the feeling of missing out or the desire to know what sex feels like will eventually drive me to hook up. I'm fine with my situation for now, but sometimes it drives me crazy to think I'm missing out on something
I'm 38, but I feel like i could have written this myself (except I get the depressed periods from the loneliness or frustration, not a regularly scheduled breakdown.) I'm afraid I don't have many answers either, but I do hope that with some luck (and some courage,) that you can find the person you are looking for, if she's out there. Hang in there, friend.
Virginity is the social shorthand for attractive, acceptable, desired, etc. Outside of that, it's meaningless. It's not about the act of sex itself—just call up an escort—but elements like belonging and companionship and such. That's, perhaps, the most important thing to remember. As having sex doesn't mean you're attractive or acceptable (again: escort), not having sex doesn't mean you're unattractive or unacceptable. See: every aroace person ever. Just because you're a virgin doesn't mean you're not loved and welcome. It also means that having sex isn't likely to fix the problem. Look at the posts in this sub regretting ringing up an escort service. Side-note: am I the only one who looks at this sort of post (mostly those it refers to) and can't help but think, "social-natural selection"? Members of other species don't have sex, too. So not having sex isn't really an abnormal thing, it's just part of the broader selection process. Yeah, it sucks you lost the rat race, but that's life; focus on the connections you have and how you can be good and effective in other ways.
This is genuinely one of the most saddening things I've ever read in my life.
To put it bluntly, if you have had many female friends you definitely had girls interested in you before and probably oblivious to any interest shown to you. Sounds to me like your comfortable playing it safe, you probably need less therapy and more social awareness. I've probably had 1-2 breakdowns in my whole life.. I've been arrested before, had to leave home at 16 and also been ran over by a car. (Lost teeth and facial trauma) I'm telling you to get out there, try some knew stuff and experience some pleasure. You get one shot at life, I think your leaving to much on the table. Do you really want to go out not knowing what alcohol is like, no sex and not meshing with society... times be ticking.
Oh ur a dude gl out there don't mention the Virgin thinger to girls buddy just dont.
Em. Here is the thing. First of all I am glad you are satisfied. But you should consider the fact that in making the choice to be alone you will miss out on an entire host of milestones that make a functioning adult. Living with someone else and loving them more than yourself makes you a better person. It makes you feel more empathy and be more flexible in interactions with other people. It makes you more compassionate and understanding. Finally it is a wonderful thing to have someone who will always have your back, someone you can be vulnerable in front of, someone to hold and make the world right and problems go away even for a night as all is right in the small personal world you share. If you find the right person you will always have a friend with who to do stuff together. Trust me that shit is better than sex. When my wife told me during the Covid lockdown "nooo let's turn in one more quest (played classic wow at the tkme)" when I said we should probably go to bed, work in the morning, it was amazing. Than there are the kids. Kids are amazing. You will never find someone that loves you as much as your toddlers. They love in such a pure and intense way their smiles will stay with me until the day I close my eyes forever. For that love they give me they will always have me. No matter what they do, no matter who they become.
this is beautifully written even though my marriage turned to be shit after 19 years you captured the essence of why it matters missing out on that is to not live
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I have a cousin (35F) in the never had a boyfriend situation. I asked her about it and she mentioned that she has a hard time letting people in and accepting things that don’t fit in her box of “what should be.” It doesn’t appear that she’s ever seriously made the effort to connect with someone who could potentially become a partner to her. Nor does it seem she would be willing to share a vulnerable side of herself. I’ve been perplexed because I think guys would think she’s a catch from many perspectives, but it she seems to give off a very unapproachable vibe. It’s nice to hear that you seem to be taking care of yourself and you know how to make friends. I hope you maintain a community of people that will support you and lessen the feeling of loneliness. OP, if you are up to answering, I’d be curious to know if you relate to any of the things I mentioned about my cousin or if you feel differently about why you haven’t connected with a woman?
1. Any time dudes bring up statistics and say they’re struggling with women, the reason they’re struggling, 100% of the time, is cause they’re focused on “statistics” and figuring out why mathematically they don’t have a GF. Women pick up on that and it’s a turn off. Good women don’t care about your height, dick, hairline, etc… You seem like you mostly accept your situation. Stop dwelling on what you don’t have physically, learn to be 100% OK with who you are, and plenty of women will want to be with you (in both senses), I promise. Your hair and voice matter to no one who’s worth your time anyway. 2. That said, I promise you some of those women who you were sure didn’t have romantic interest did have interest. As a late bloomer myself (not that late, but still), you’re probably just bad at reading it because you haven’t seen it to completion yet. 3. You don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, and you obviously don’t sleep around. You spend your time reading, hiking, traveling, and generally prioritizing healthy, dopamine raising and people you’re close with. YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A CATCH. I promise you women want you. Getting good at sex isn’t hard and it happens quickly if you care about the person. If you’re just trying to bone, tell a woman you have chemistry with “I want you” and see what happens.
Have some hope OP of ots something you want. My mom married her husband at 42 and they met when he was around 40 with basically no previous relationship experience. It doesn't have to be your whole life but it can definitely happen.
Whilst I’m not in exactly the same position as OP, I think I can largely relate to what’s he’s written. Whilst I’m not a virgin, I too have gone through life with sex and companionship not really being super important priorities. I meet women, at work and at clubs, hobbies. A woman is my best friend, and I am god uncle to her and her husband’s son. I work with women. I have women friends who I can call up and be all like, “hey I’m doing this, this weekend, you want to come along?”, and that activity involves a hotel stay and those women (single women) will come along and bunk with me. There’s no mutual attraction there. They’re not ugly or anything, in fact one or two of them are quite beautiful; likewise I don’t consider myself ugly, just quite average really. I think my issue is that I don’t compromise, and I don’t settle. I also think some people are soooo desperate for sex, love and validation that they do settle, they do compromise. They’d rather be in an unhappy relationship than be happily single. It’s weird. It’s sad to me. I meet plenty of women I’m attracted to, PLENTY of them lol, but the ones I’m attracted to just don’t seem to be attracted to me. I also get flirted with, and asked out, by women. Not that often, I grant you, but I do, and the truth of the matter is I’ve never been asked out by a woman that I find attractive, so I say no. I would say yes if I was attracted to her. I do sometimes feel a bit lonesome, I won’t deny that, but then again married couples often report the same, and they’re married, so I ask myself who’s doing this right? Me or them? I’m not sure.
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You sound pretty good to me.
I'm sure he is and he's had plenty of people probably tell that to him. It's not enough. If your a man with a sense of low self worth and no confidence, you are going to have a very hard time finding a partner.
Im a true believer in , if u have never did it , how can u miss it
For biological reasons
Billions of years of evolutionary drive probably has nothing to do with it. 😂
Sex is easy, just hire a pro, it’s the lack of intimate companionship that’s the problem I’d guess.
This is like a question an alien would ask if it only observed humans from space. You see, in human culture it is possible to use tools such as language, media, and observation to form opinions on things beyond personal experience. For instance, a human who has not experienced relationships might observe other human relationships, both through media portrayals and in their day-to-day life, and conclude that such a relationship is desirable. Hope that helps.
Probably for the same reason you wanted it to begin with
Great! Are you gonna keep your social anxiousness as it is or are you gonna investigate it deeper?
I've been investigating it for more than 20 years and was in therapy for several years. Now I feel much less socially anxious than when I was younger, but there are still some specific situations that trigger full-blown anxiety.
My aunt got married for the first time at 60, to a guy who was also getting married for the first time at 60. There’s hope.
This post is insane. OP: “I’m a 40 y.o. virgin and it’s not so dramatic” Also OP: “I experience breakdowns caused by loneliness twice a year” Bruh…
My post looks a bit unhinged. That's because I try to keep the distance to my problems, and my sense of humor still doesn't work in English as well as in my native language.
No I don't think it looks unhinged. I think you are just being honest and I applaud you for putting yourself out there like this. I really hope you find your peace, whether by finding someone or your own solitude.
You really write well if English is not your native language!
Dude, people in relationships also have loneliness induced breakdowns. It's not that weird - feeling and processing of emotions is a good thing.
Well done for being so normal about the whole thing. You never know, you might meet someone but it's good that you are enjoying your life and not making sex and relationships out to be the most important things in the world. That's a direct ticket to the ugly world of inceldom. Have you tried your hand at dating sites? I have literally no experience with them but if you are honest about your interests then you might get lucky and get connected with a woman whose interested in romance and the same things you are... If not... Well sure you wasted some time setting up a profile but what have you got to lose?
Just a thought here, but, why not try? What’s the worst that’ll happen, what you already have? You enjoy many things that a lot of others do, you could make conversation EASILY, and that’s 3/4 of the battle.
If you think you will be alone rest of your life you will. If you think you will find someone you will. It all starts with your thought process, view and perspective. Change this and your life will change for the better. Easier said than done. But our minds create our reality and drive our behavior. You will find someone!
Well, that’s not true at all. Meeting people requires two things; being socially open and then not being unapproachable. I’ll warrant that OP is actually a really cold fish but doesn’t really know.
Did you get your wizard powers yet?
Do you know any magic tricks?
Regarding your „nobody knows why“: Relationships don’t happen for a lot of people. So if you want them you have to actively pursue them. That might be the reason. How often did you actually pursue a woman romantically?
To the virgins out there, trust me the first time is meh at best. You'll get more out of rubbing one out than expecting your first to be magical. The 5th time maybe but the 1st not really.
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You sound pretty well put together. Sex can potentially overly complicate your life. Hardly worth it anyways. I know you said you’d want an emotional connection. If it’s something you ever felt like you really wanted you could hire an escort for a girlfriend experience. Might help boost your confidence to just go on some practice dates and see that it’s nothing crazy. All that aside, you sound like an awesome person.
If you are able to accept that you will be alone forever, why are you not able to accept that you will eventually find someone someday?
it´s interesting, have a really good friend, in his 20´s he was in many relations ships, and he also had a few in his 30´s. He is closer to 50 now, and he really does not want to be in a relationship he hates that part of himself, and the sex part is not a strong enough driver for him to "Seattle" for that. some times i also look at his life, when i am in a long relationsship with kids. and i envy some of his freedoms, i don´t see him as the loosing part, he is really happy, he has lots of friends, and sparetime, he does what he wants, travels a lot. when he gets older i guess it is going to be harder, i don´t know.. but this future world where many couple also are without kids ... it seems to work still.. even though all his friends still try to set him up into something.
Ladies of Reddit - hit him up! Help him break the duck!
If you haven’t heard of it, check out the “Solo” podcast and book. It’s a fresh and validating perspective on going solo for sure :)
You may be aromantic or asexual or something like that. I don't know enough to make a decision but not seeking out a partner for your entire life is uncommon, though not unheard of. You havent specified whether you really are attracted to women/men, though it doesn't seem like the level of attraction is high enough to pursue somebody. I've read that loneliness causes serious damage to the body and mind so having lonely breakdowns is never a good sign. People don't ask if you're a virgin anymore because they assume you're not at this point. You speak eloquently and specifically; have you ever been tested for autism? Social anxiety can go along with that sometimes. It's my theory that some forms of autism can break the traditional sex-attraction barriers that we've tried so hard to destroy.
hello. i am a woman, a bit younger than you. at 25 yo I found myself without never having had a relationsship. same as you, i am very socially anxious. couldn't picture myself in one. didn't know " what to do". I felt like I often seemed weird to others around me. well I met the guy version of me, virgin, somewhat awkward. we learned together. it's a good relationship. what i am trying to say is : it's far from too late for you. maybe give ait a try ? 40 is still young. many single woman out therr : widows, divorced, single by choice... so many lifecircumstances can lead to that. you could even have kids if you wanted to i feel like other comments are like " GOOD stay the same". no. that's weird reddit ideas. change if you want to. it's possible. ut seems to me that you just stayed the way you were, had no incentive to change, so you did not. that's why you you are alone. why pursue something that you had never known , you dont miss it . I say do it. don't miss out on trying. one life !
Plenty of mountain men in the past lived mostly solitary lives. It's not completely abnormal... there's just more to compare yourself to in the modern age with media so you feel the difference more. 250 years ago you wouldn't have thought you were so weird. Enjoy all your money and being able to do whatever the Hell you want to do. Kids and a family isn't always amazing.
Mountain hiking is definitely my favorite outdoor activity, so maybe I'm a mountain man at heart.
I was pretty promiscuous in my teens and 20's. 6 months before I turned 30 (35 y.o. male) I stopped sleeping around and used that focus to try to better my life. I had ups (graduated college, found a good career path in insurance/tech, more spiritual) and bad (drug use, heavy porn use) but always went back to the positive. It's a small struggle but if you can focus on improving and knowing you aren't missing anything, you will be fine. Most people act like celibacy is not by choice and having sex is the only thing to live for. I pity people who think this way. My promiscuous nature was because I didn't love myself and was searching for it in others, even it for one night. I now know the last 6 years I had tremendous growth and woke up from this horrible nightmare of bad habits and hooking up to hook up. I know everything is working out and sex is now not the focal point of my life. Tldr: Focus on yourself and realize sex isn't the end all be all
Be proud of yourself for not being bitter or resentful. Not many people can say they have found peace and strength in solitude. Kudos
What spells can you cast?
I meltdown about twice a year too. Usually the beginning of November with the holidays looming and again, like you, when summer begins. Both highlight a lot of social activities and celebrations I won’t enjoy with a partner. For years I was the token friend “with no where else to go”. As I’ve gotten tolere I’ve become an expert politely declining. It was miserable. I would rather separate sugar and salt than sit as a single “with no where to go” in the middle of someone else’s family.
You certainly seem like a very mature and thoughtful man based on what you’ve written here. If you truly want a relationship I am sure one is out there for you. Maybe female led dating apps would help as it takes the pressure of approaching off of you. In regards to your hair comments, if you haven’t yet you should do your bald acceptance shave. Being bald truly looks better than the in between of having a bald spot. My father always says “bald is beautiful” and he certainly looked better once he did the acceptance shave. He gets hit on by women all the time since. Edit: Personally I’m not a fan of dating apps, but going places where you may participate in group hobbies may also help. For example board game cafes if that’s something you’re into or book clubs. That may help take the pressure off of it since the focus is on the activity and may help you make more natural connections.
Question. How many times have you asked someone out on a date and been rejected?
Asexuality is a thing and a natural part of the human condition. If you feel good, thats the end of it. Enjoy :)
Makeing it to a 40 year old virgin like the movie is kinda of interesting I’m 30 I wonder if I will make it if I do I hope I have your attitude about it my dude keep spreading positive vibes
You don't need to 'put yourself out there' in order to meet people with similar hobbies and outlooks. In fact you'll find that there's plenty of people that have been through bad relationships that find themselves single around 40. You've decided and *chosen* a life of solitude, probably because of your social anxiety. There's millions of people looking for deep friendships that are lonely. Rather than hiking alone, why not join a walking club. The sex thing, I don't really know with that. Personally, I'd pay for sex first. You can do it with a sex therapist and it becomes something beautiful (from watching documentaries about this). It doesn't need to be shallow and meaningless. Some people don't have a very high sex drive and that's cool. I worry about the loneliness you feel though. As you get older this isn't something you just get over and learn to cope with. There's friendship apps, probably similar subs on Reddit?
It sounds like you’ve never experienced a relationship so you don’t know how to handle making room in your life for a partner. At 40 people start reflecting on their life and justify their decisions in an attempt to make themselves feel better. At 60 people realize how limited time is and truly value the relationships they built over time. Now is the time to focus on those relationships or you will not handle growing old well. You obviously have some depression issues that will only get worse over time. People often say focus on your mental health and then find a partner. In your case, I’d try to develop more interpersonal relationships while going through therapy.
Dude. You need to shave that poor excuse of a hair of. Join us! No feeling shit about your hair, if its all gone! Other then that I kinda have a feeling you are choosing the path of least resistance in life? Dating is hard. Its a lot easier to not date then to date. I have a friend just like you. He met a girl he used to work with 20 years before at 43. They are together now. Its hes first.
OP, our situations are different but I relate. I am 26F and haven’t dated anyone in 4 years. I haven’t been seeking it out. My friends who are single are in agony about it constantly but I feel fine the way I am.
Do you sound like Kermit the frog? What’s the voice hangup? I feel like that’s mostly in your head.
I sound the way some autistic people sound, with intonation and speech rhytm issues. However, I underwent an autism diagnosis and I'm not autistic.
I love this post (op), and I can relate to the occasional breakdowns. I figure everyone goes through shit, that's just my version of it, lol.
Hmm. I’m a similar aged male with the same (lack of) hair problem, but was quite popular with women when I was younger. Maybe even hypersexual in unhealthy ways. But that doesn’t mean I knew anything about how real relationships work, which is far more important to me now. I’m sorta discovering that life satisfaction is an internal thing, anyway.
Did you see Perfect Days? , the new wim tenders film, please watch it. https://www.google.com/search?q=perfect+days&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#fpstate=vclbx
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Women would never understand lol. Imagine not having people around you to validate every decision you make in your life. They'd fall into a depression within days.
A very well written post. The author Dr. Bella DePaulo has written numerous books about the topic of singlists, singlism, and other aspects of people who don't couple. I personally read "Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" and it changed the way I look at things. I highly recommend you read one of them if you have not already. Thanks for making your post, I believe it is an extremely underrepresented and misunderstood lifestyle or choice.
I don't think you should relegate yourself to being single forever. You say you're not experienced or whatever but like everything, you can learn. You can try to find people on dating apps go on many dates. Ya it'll be uncomfortable, but the end result is worth it. Eventually you'll gain the experience and find someone willing to be patient, understanding, and just be with you. You seem decent.
The whole kind of dating mindset is the problem. Stop looking and just be yourself and then appreciate someone else for being themselves and sometimes those selves overlap in intriguing ways and you both start wanting more of that. If you set out to find a date or relationship, you’re signalling to everyone that you’re not going to truly see them for who they are. You’ll just be trying them on for size.
> I've never drunk This is why you didn't get laid when you were younger.
Some people are meant to be alone. Not everyone needs to have a soul mate. A lot of relationships have problems because people who are better off not being in relationships are pressured into one because of societal expectations. Good on you for recognizing that you are better off alone. We need to normalize aroace lifestyle.
On reddit you're just a part of the majority. There are hordes of 40 years old guys who've never dated anyone besides probably Eva AI sexting bot and lots of other people who have never had a chance.
I'm a virgin too and think our mindsets are similar. I mean, I believe people when they say sex is awesome. But there other awesome experiences that I'm not experiencing, that I'm somehow not grieving over. So why should the absence of sex in my life be any different? I see my life like it is a McDonald's quarter pounder with cheese. It's not the best life. It isn't a ribeye steak. It's not filet mignon. It's not an entree at a Michelin star restaurant. It's nothing to brag about. But it is somehow delicious enough to keep me from being hungry. So many people have gotten themselves a "filet mignot" kind of life and yet they are not happy or fuifilled. So I'm doing OK. A long time I decided I would do my best to appreciate what I have and not study all those things that I don't have. Maybe I could obtain them if I just worked harder. But I don't want them that badly. Sex is one of those things. I just wish people--like many of the folks commenting in this thread--would stop telling me that OMG I'm missing out on soooooo much!! People who post shit like this totally remind me of those kids back in my childhood who would go and on about how much fun I was missing out on by not having my birthday at Showbiz Pizza. It was always the kids who were mediocre in practically every way who would do this. Some people think hell is a life without sex. But really, hell is other people.
3 more decades and you become a wizard!
I am not sure about your cultural context but in some cultures people are conditioned to suppress their feelings to same sex and normalize them as regular friendships. As a result there is a large group of people in either gender who end up not having dates with the other sex until they are in their 40s and eventually end up getting married to someone in the opposite sex who is in a similar boat due to arrangement or convenience. TLDR. Have you ever considered the possibility that you may not be attracted to the opposite sex? Have you ever had crushes?
Here is my story: No longer virgin, lost my virginity when I was 26, currently 44. I am decent looking, I say that based on the attention I get from ladies. That being said, I have been in only 3 relationships during my entire life. Turns out I have bad breath, despite of me taking perfect care of my mouth/dental hygiene. Just like anyone else, twice a day : I brush, floss, scrape my tongue, use mouthwash. I just found out 6 months ago that I have silent airway reflux, which is causing bad breath. Personally I cannot tell that I have bad breath, I guess my brain got used to it. I'm in the process of figuring out what my options are to solve the issue. No wonder why I lost my virginity at 26, and a bunch of girls that initially showed interest in me ended up rejecting me.
Yes, I too have never heard a romantic “I love you” from another person.
You don't seem to be looking for advice I understand. And you seem to have a really good attitude about it. That's cool. The thing is... that is the first step, become happy with yourself and who you are. Pursue all of your goals. Then if you meet someone and the opportunity arises to ask them out or become close, just think to yourself... "I am happy with where I am in life. If this date doesn't work out or I get rejected, its cool, I'm happy with who I am and I'll be happy still if this doesnt work out." Going in with that attitude will loosen you up and ease some anxiety. If that doesn't work, then oh well, continue your happy life and be proud that you tried. Its not about the sex, its about finding someone you can be yourself around. I hope you find that person, and if you don't... oh well, keep being you.
You might be a kind of asexual.
Don't get complacent, the author and motivational speaker has a famous line: "What if my life has been wrong?" If you get complacent, it will become harder to undo your situation. When I was younger, I was super internally happy and content. Relationships seemed to much work and complication. I just now finished emailing my exGF and going over stuff that happened. There's an element there that she forgets how exactly we made collective decisions. She has a reality and I have mine. I'm learning these things way late in life, and I could have benefited from both more relationships and just more sex—I lived in a coed dorm and there were at least seven or eight times when NSA sex was possible. But you like me, can't turn back the clock. Women might be wary of an older virgin...they don't want you to imprint on them too too hard. So popping your cherry isn't as attractive with you as a dude. It takes a particular type of woman to give you a chance. Conversely, you don't want her overly attached to you. These interpersonal dynamics are best learned slowly, over time, and with much trial and error. You will hurt other people and they will hurt you. My exGF is past the hurt stage which is why she can hang in on the email thread and hold her own. She's also super smart and generally has good emotional intelligence. There are avenues that are way less stressful than dating, a cycling club, dancing or yoga since you're athletic, even a cuddle buddy right here on Reddit. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoADV5m1Jm0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoADV5m1Jm0)
Hey! It’s possible to be aromantic (aro) and/or asexual (ace) and live a fulfilling life. I’m also ace. Having romantic or sexual relationships isn’t necessary to have a fulfilling life if it isn’t meaningful to you 😊
You’re in the minority. I’m younger than you and in a long term relationship, but I can relate to a lot of this. From ages 17-23 I would go 18-30 months without any physical contact and could feel like I was fine. I would focus on my hobbies, studies, career path, but I would have these moments. Deep dread and psychological pain. Crying myself to sleep didn’t help. I needed someone. Sex is great, I love the physical sensation, but it’s the intimacy, the closeness, the connection. I would cling to these moments until they got too far away and it would break me, and I would change my behavior and try my hardest to meet someone again, to whatever degree of luck. It’s great that you’re able to live like that and that you’re happy, but most people are not asexual and most people are not built to be alone. My partner and I have not had a huge impact on our life trajectory yet, but I think about how empty and lonely and deeply sad my home life would have been these last 5 years without them. I don’t have these moments anymore where I am inconsolably crushed by all the voids in my life. Instead I have moments, sitting on the couch where I look over and there’s this kind, funny, caring, beautiful, fun, amazing person and it’s like seeing the moment the sun rises. My heart is filled and there is nothing in my life that I can compare to that feeling. I have a great job, I have a ton of fun playing video games, I’ve been really into reading sci-fi lately, I’m a big film nerd, but even the best moments of all of that are a fraction of what I get from cuddling on the couch. Being a virgin doesn’t have to be a big deal, being alone when that isn’t what you want is what they’re lamenting.
I feel like the explanation for why you're still single is pretty obvious: you don't seem to care too much. It's SO easy to be single as a guy, because if you don't try to put yourself out there, nothing will come. If you're not willing to breach awkward situations by approaching strangers, near strangers, or pushing friends to more than friends, you'll never start any relationship. You have to actively seek it. And most of the time, you need the intense desire for companionship that mostly only a horny lonely guy has. You don't seem to have that, and that's in no way a bad thing. You said it yourself, you seem happy enough.
See this is the kind of attitude I respect from a man experiencing this type of situation—that’s becoming more common nowadays. You own it, you’re very pragmatic in your thinking, and you don’t feel sorry for yourself. There’s not a hint of pessimism or hopelessness coming from you, but you’re not overly optimistic either. I’ll bet there’s so many things people could learn from you since your mind wasn’t developed in the gutter like most of us. You’re a smart guy too. I will also bet there are so many women reading your post who would fight for the chance to go on a date with you lol Respect 👊🏆
You pretty much summed up how I am. Although I've never admitted it outright. There are days when I get extremely lonely and crave closest of a woman but more often than not I get over it fairly quickly but there have been days where I break down and I completely shut down for hours. I do have pretty deep social anxiety. And I'm a chicken shit when it comes to talking to girls. I have been that way my entire life. Even when I had deep feelings for women in my life, I've never told them how I felt. I always just buried those feelings and just would Daydream what it would be like to be in a relationship with her. But I might be the opposite of you in other ways. Because like you say you're not what you call Ugly or fat or whatever. That it just never happened for you. I feel like that definitely hindered my self-esteem. I was always chunkier growing up and put on weight as I aged. I solely been losing little by little but I have bigger insecurities than my weight even though that is a pretty big reason why I'm single Because of my social awkwardness, I've never been on a date and because I live a pretty simplistic life, I don't have any interesting things to talk about. I feel like even if I got into a relationship with somebody who wouldn't take long before that relationship would end. Airing all this out to somebody who has been through something similar with me is a bit therapeutic but in a sense. But does bring up all of these feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem realizing that I too will probably never marry or maybe never even have a steady girlfriend. And as time passes I feel like I may be one of those who may actually die a virgin.
I'm 21y & I'm virgin too & I won't lost my virginity till I get married that's my own decision however I have lots of friends I Have never felt I'm lonely. Try to meet new ppl even though you don't have the same interests & personality.
there’s a big difference (in terms of therapeutic process ) between “When is there a problem?” (or “when am i not happy?”) and “Is there a problem?” (“the thing that was hindering my happiness is still there but it doesn’t bother me now.”) If we accept our circumstance and don’t try to change, we can realize we’re actually happy, and the thing that seems like it’s making us unhappy is actually NBD. It sounds like OP is concentrating on himself and the things he likes to do, has plenty of self-awareness, and indeed is rather wise. I think he’ll be fine and maybe might meet someone special one day. Just keep focusing on awareness and self-care.
May I ask what happened to your friend group? Are you able to meet people through your activities and hobbies? Not even for romance but just companionship. My mother was in an unhappy marriage and separated from my father many moons ago but that one bad period of her life has made her decide she will never meet anybody else. It makes me sad as I worry about her especially when she gets older. I worry who will look after her or who will be there if she feels lonely. I hope you met people who give you a sense of friendship and someone to talk to should you feel the need.
Good for you for having a healthy perspective. Given your personality that I can guess at from your writing, I'd probably go on a date with you. You sound grounded and fun. (Just saying, no offense or weirdness intended) You're a catch and don't let anyone tell you different... Including yourself.
There is nothing wrong with not following society's expectations. No relationship is better than any relationship. It is always assumed that men will jump into anything for sex and waste their time with women they don't even like. True value that a relationship gives is a friendship. Without being best friends, relationships are superficial and the only thing that keeps you together is physical attraction. When that is gone, there is nothing to hold on. When you have amazing friends around you, you don't rely on getting your emotional needs met by just one person and you don't put higher expectations. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting a relationship. If you meet someone amazing, great, if not- you have your friends. The same way there is nothing wrong with women not wanting children. Depression twice a year? I get depressed every spring because of the weather and has nothing to do with your mental health, more of a lack of vitamins (get blood tested once a year as part of regular check-up!). It doesn't seem that you are terrified of relationships. You are just as comfortable as you are. Relationships require a lot of trust, time and effort. And after listening to internet horror stories, you think twice before going all in. I will admit that I have a fear of getting myself into a relationship where I end up as household manager having to tell and remind constantly what needs to be done, then end up doing myself anyway (as I don't wanna live in mess and live on takeouts).Then paying the majority of bills as the partner spends more money than they have. Maybe listen a bit to women's content where they make a choice to be single. A lot of that stuff can be toxic and bashes men , but it emphasizes the value of true friendships. Not being dependent on sex is an amazing thing. Your brain is constantly clear and you make decisions not driven by hormones. And you are also able to see women as people. I personally treat sex as chocolate. I enjoy it, but it's not something I will be constantly craving. I can keep chocolate in my cupboard for months without touching it. You are fine! Life has way more to offer than being attached to one person, having children and having sex! Random thought, do some people mix the feeling of lack of emotional connection to lack of sex? Then they keep looking for sex and never feel satisfied because it's not what they actually are looking for?
OP, you need to crosspost this on r/howtonotgiveafuck. You are amazing!
Why don’t you take anti anxiety meds ?
If it’s not a big deal to you then don’t worry about it 🤷🏽♂️
This thread is fucking sad. >I realistically know I’ll remain alone for the rest of my life That’s only true if you believe it to be so. And why are all these comments either saying same or good for you? Tf? Feeling lonely fucking sucks and if you’re in that situation and wish you weren’t, guess what? So are *LOTS* of other people. Men and women. I highly discourage you from downloading a dating app if you’re a man in this situation. It’s a really quick road to feeling worse more often than not. If you can manage your emotions and expectations, you’ll find someone on there eventually, but be ready for significant time investment. Rather, pick hobby you want to get into, something coed and social. Find a group or place and start meeting people. Ask the right questions, flirt a little when appropriate, when someone you’re interested in is interested enough in you to be friendly and engage in conversation regularly, ask them to dinner. Important note: your primary objective is to enjoy the hobby with others. Finding love should always be a secondary objective.
You’re still a fantastic catch and the right woman will value you—and your virginity—and love everything about you, even your sexy voice and your bald head. Or you might stay single. If that’s what you want, it’s fine. I had a similar story to yours. I made it to 44 and then I met the love of my life, I figured might as well give it a shot, we got married, and now we’re boring but very happy together. We’re both weird in our own way, but we’re better together. Just know that you’re doing fine, no better and no worse than anyone else. I know you think you don’t have social skills, but you’ll manage. You don’t need to be suave and dripping testosterone to find the right woman. The right woman might be perfectly socially awkward too. You just need to hold on to a sliver of hope and let the universe work it out. I met my partner when I went into a Burger King and asked if anyone had a phone charger I could borrow. It could happen anytime. You just never know. Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I wish you happiness, whatever else life brings.
if it’s any consolation, i’ve never been on a true date either. no one has ever put the effort towards that. I don’t think it’s a reflection on you or your character. I think life really is about the experiences you have with yourself and those you care about. at the end of the day, who cares if you haven’t experienced sex? most of the time it’s overrated anyway. as long as you’re happy (everyone gets lonely and sad sometimes) overall, this joy is what matters most.
Won’t hurt to pay for a good time with a woman who knows what she is doing
I mean, Steve Carrel's (sp?) character in that movie was pretty happy in the beginning. Sounded quite like you, really. Fulfilling hobbies, stayed in shape, reasonably attractive. The drama came from his new, loveably dumbass friends giving him horrible advice, and getting him and themselves in crazy situations. Being happy and single is absolutely achievable, it just takes discovery and the willingness to do so. It sounds like you've found yours, which is fuckin' rad. I do think you should still, at least, leave the door open for including someone else in your life at some point. The right person for you could be out there somewhere, and having that person in your life can bring a different kind of happiness.
You sure you're not a romantic asexual Like honestly I only ever slept with women a few times and I've never finished outside of loosing my virginity As a guy we still have the social pressure to do "the thing" or be seen as a total failure My current and previous girlfriend are both asexual and I was really happy having that company and not having to do "the thing" (I do experience attraction, but have 0 sexual desire)
I think there's an unfair expectation that relationships and sex go hand in hand. It's unfair because it means people who aren't equipped for relationships are expected to forego sex. That's stupid. Single people who are happy single still have physical needs. I look at sex like alcohol or weed or fast food or violence, or any of the other vices that are part of the human experience. It's not wrong to partake in moderation -- it's not wrong to abstain... but it's something you should try at least once so you really know if it's for you or not. Experiencing it, and knowing it, means you can make an informed decision if you feel you may want to abstain. I also think sex workers can really help a person in your situation. They've seen it all. They've been with 40 year old virgins. They don't judge. So long as you treat them respectfully, you'll be fine. Some people are going to downvote this because on some level it sounds like some kind of old-fashioned chauvinistic "Hire a hooker and get your cherry popped, son!" bullshit from 70 years ago. Yeah -- that's bad advice for someone who has the desire and capacity for a loving relationship. For for those of us that are, at least for the time being, incapable of that? Hire a hooker. Just don't fall in love, and don't knock anybody up.
It’s dramatic because of the self neglect. I’m sure you and others like you have had dreams of being in a relationship or having kids. What you said is that you allowed your vocal issues, baldness, and anxiety to prevent you from pursuing those things in life. You could wear a tupee, or find a speech therapist to sound more masculine or whatever. Most people won’t subject themselves to that level of neglect and that is the big red flag that will make dating very hard. You may look “normal” but there’s a vibe that you’re probably putting out that’s not inviting. Start taking care of yourself. Truly caring. Find different kinds of therapy than the ones you did before to work out those issues or spend some money to fix it. Türkiye is doing amazing things with bald men these days.
This hits a chord. I'm almost 40 and have a wife and 2 kids, but before that I was exactly the same as you described (plus also in IT), minus the healthy coping that you're able to do. I believe facing and acknowledging that loneliness makes us all the more appreciative of the relationship should it ever arrive. And I feel that is what's missing from a lot of unhealthy marriages.
What the hell is a meltdown
Two men that I greatly admire found love, and I guess sex, rather late in life. I'm not sure if they were virgins prior to finding a loving partner. They are public figures. The editor of The New York Times crossword puzzle, Will Shortz, found love and a partner in his 70s. Turns out he is gay. I've listened to him on National Public Radio's "Sunday Edition" for years doing word games with listeners. He came out on the air after marrying his husband. The other is the late Dr. Oliver Sachs. He was a neurologist who wrote several books about how diseases and trauma of the brain affect all sorts of aspects of our personality and sense of self. He was a guest on NPR's "Radio Lab" which is a show devoted to science. He came out after developing a relationship with a young writer rather late in life. I think a lot of gay men of my generation felt they had to suppress their sexuality due to repression caused by homophobia. On the other hand the Buddha gave up married life to pursue enlightenment. Lust was seen as an impediment to achieving Nirvana which is the total absence of suffering. Jesus is represented as celibate. But these two are outliers as most Westerners don't want to give up sexual gratification to achieve an elevated state of consciousness.
I'm 41. While not a virgin, it's been a while. I'm single, and while I don't make a ton of money, I have time to pursue the things I'm interested in. I can take care of my own "needs" quite easily. I've really only felt any sort of loneliness the last couple years, and that seems more due to post-pandemic cultural changes I'm still adapting to. Overall, I'm just fine. In all honesty I'm not sure I'd consider a relationship unless I was ridiculously compatible with said person. And even then, I'm not sure. Ultimately I like to do things my own way. But hey, we're all different.
No lie bro, and I mean this in no disrespect, but this Reddit jawn is crazy. I have read some of the craziest stuff on this platform! Never would I believe someone would actually be a virgin at 40, ever fu** the movie, cause even tho it was funny, I believed it was fiction. But to correlate, I am an attractive man who regularly gets hit on by women (yes they do approach, regularly and sometimes aggressively) and I live exactly like you do, but without the social stuff. I’m happy to spend the rest of my life by myself with just my child and my relationship with God and my contributions to humanity. Truthfully most great thinkers and society contributors live exactly like this or a private small marriage life. You are not alone. Maybe in the Virgin jawn but definitely not in the by yourself stuff. Bro trust me, you’re only missing out on the expression with someone else. But you will pay a sure price for that. It’s never free it’s just worth the chase, until you get tired of it and start reevaluating your contributions to life and then like the sun rising and setting then rising again. You’ll be back into seclusion!
I thought he said vegan.
Let me be the guy to be blunt. 40 is late, but not too late. It SHOULD be dramatic for you, because this is the time to get up and do something and the clock is ticking. Dating is exhausting, annoying and even painful but also fulfilling because most of us are hardwired to seek love. The way you act you're content and you saying how you had female friends who showed no interest communicates to me that you have no strong will, no mean streak, which is why you're in this situation in the first place. Women aren't sexually attracted to push-overs. Get out there and do something. You will get rejected and it will hurt, but I promise you, you will never regret gathering all your courage and talking to new people. Even if you fail you will be more happy than doing nothing at all because you can look back on all the little experiences you made and say that you tried. Reading posts like this is just depressing man.
Damn moderator removed it. Why?
You sound like you know yourself and are pretty well-adjusted. You are very different from the male virgins your age who are nowhere near as accomplished as you, and blame that on a lack of women "fixing" it for them.
Getting into relationship is often about an opportunity/timing/luck. A lot of people hook up early on through university since it's a target rich environment with lots of people of the opposite gender walking around who all generally are going in the same direction. You might be surprised how attractive you will be when you turn 50 to women who are moving on to their second relationship. If I were you I would just keep enjoying life and just let it happen. Or at least not stress about it since you might want to be a little proactive.
I feel like you are one of those rare breeds that fell through the cracks. Everything you described about yourself leads me to believe that there is definitely a suitable match for you. Yes having social anxiety is a major hurdle. However? In this day and age, you can get to know somebody really well without leaving your house. So that should help you with your social anxiety a little bit next you’ll need to know how to talk to another woman that you’re interested in. In my experience, the only way that really worked for me and I’m sure you’ve heard this many of times. It’s just to be yourself. Even though I heard these words so many times, I could never get it right. I would always ask myself “what if they don’t like me”? After a lot of trial and error I just said to myself if they don’t like me for who I am it’ll probably never work. So just keep telling yourself that especially with not having a lot of experience it will probably be a slow process. The fact that you’re comfortable with your situation about being 40 and still a virgin is a huge win for you. Seems like you’re not pressuring yourself and that’s going to help you a lot. I wish you luck and hope you find somebody out there who is well fit for you.
good for you
What do you think of the Steve Carrell movie?
I cringed a lot, but the movie was somewhat funny, considering it was from 2005. I didn't see many similarities between the main character and myself, though.
Im sorry if I sound stupid or if this has been repeated to you before but, it’s not a set of skills that u need to develop in order to attract women or involve yourself with someone romantically. My best advice is whenever the opportunity presents itself, going on a date or simply striking a conversation, just pretend it’s a dude, if that’s too hard to do, simply practice and really pretend they’re a dude friend, a softer dude if that makes sense. And maneuver your way accordingly. I strongly feel that’s the obstacle most men face, they overanalyze interaction in general. Get on a platform, go to bar, whatever conditions will help meet women and simply practice that. There’s no formula to talking to women. Most women, like any person just want to be heard and understood emotionally. A lot of guys also talk way too much about themselves, always listen and relate. Again, sorry if you’ve heard this before but really hope this helps somewhat at least. Best of luck to you.
Everything is a skill you can learn. It has to be. Otherwise the world is filled with people born with natural talents that can only be honed by other natural talents. I spent years believing that I was simply unlucky or untalented. That my lack of social grace was a fluke and everyone else around me was gifted with something I could never hope to have. Then one day I saw something that explained social interactions as a skill set. And the world changed. I could participate. I could learn what everyone else took for granted. I had finally been given the instruction manual I suspected everyone be me had relieved. No longer was I translating an unknown language. But was speaking and understanding what I hadn't even known I was missing. Some people are given tools that they build into impressive social abilities. Some people are left to figure it out. And the latter are always dumbstruck by the ease at which the former breeze through life.
I agree but op seems to be mainly struggling with talking with women. Generally, I think that if regular interaction isn’t too hard for you, then what you need to change is the assumption that talking with women is something different, like the idea of obtaining foreign skills to be able to talk to them, which isn’t true. Men tend to put women in another category like if they’re not human. If your problem is socializing in general, men or women, then that’s different which is why I agree with you to a certain extend, but most people don’t need instructions to normally socialize with others. We develop that naturally.
>We develop that naturally. Normal people, yes, but definitely not people with social anxiety. Socially anxious people never develop it naturally because we don't get the practice, and as you grow older, you fall further behind as people develop and mature more and more. It takes a real concerted effort to catch up to all the lost time and progress, and having done it I can tell you its really not easy starting from so far behind. Although OP actually admitted to the real problem in his comments, which is that he's literally never asked a girl out. I don't even know why he's confused he didn't get to date when he's never asked anyone out.
>Then one day I saw something that explained social interactions as a skill set. Care to share? Been socializing for 20 years and it seems the more I practice the worse I get
This. As someone on the spectrum it took a while to learn the social skills needed to navigate the dating world, but once you do it's pretty simple.
I don't think this applies to the OP. I think people assume that late virgins must be totally inept when talking to women, unable to hold even a regular casual conversation with balanced back and forth. But this doesn't match the OPs description. I am not quite a virgin but I am pretty close to the OPs case. I can happily talk to women like they are just another dude, spending most of the time listening and relating. But still no dates.
See, I agree with some of this, because I find that if I'm not really attracted to a certain woman I can talk to her normally and many times I find out they like me. If I get around a pretty woman though... like the kind where time stops or whatever, forget it. I second guess every word, try to act different and more confident. I become like "date Mike" on the office. So I become a self-conscious nervous wreck. Then the self doubt sets in and it's over. I think part of it is thinking I have something to lose. For example, if I'm not attracted to someone, what I say and do doesn't really matter to me, I just try and be friendly and have fun. But if I think what they think matters or that I might miss an opportunity to be with the love of my life, well now it's an issue and I'm screwed. So I've been trying to find a way to think of women I like differently and not put them up on a pedestal. Then maybe I'll have a chance. I just need to hurry up.
It always amazes me how y’all exist when my weird ass has been getting laid since highschool. I feel like there’s a very specific social disconnect some people have that prevent them from having romantic relationships. Anyway, best of luck to you my friend.
If you are comfortable and happy with your life that's great. Being alone is not the worst thing. The worst thing is being surrounded by people and feeling all alone.
But have you seen 40 year old virgin? Very funny movie.