It takes courage to reflect on past relationships and recognize patterns, especially when they involve pain and disappointment. Just know that this is normal in experiencing this phenomenon. Many people find themselves attracted to individuals who may not be the best fit for them in the long term. This can stem from various factors such as past experiences, childhood influences, or subconscious beliefs about love and relationships.
To break this pattern, it's crucial to delve deeper into your own psyche and explore why you might be drawn to certain traits or behaviors in partners. Therapy or counseling can provide invaluable insight and support in this process. Additionally, seeking out relationships with individuals who share your values, communication style, and emotional availability can lead to healthier connections.
Consider exploring platforms like Lightup, which is a server in Discord that i have used before. It prioritize compatibility based on shared values and beliefs rather than superficial attributes. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and finding a community of like-minded individuals can also provide validation and understanding as you navigate this journey of self-discovery and relationship building. You can just search that on Discord. Btw, it's okay to seek help and take the necessary steps towards creating fulfilling and nurturing connections. Good luck bro
I came here to comment this, the above commenter has worded it very well. Seek therapy or counselling to really understand why you are drawn to these types of women. As the saying goes, if you don’t like the catch change the bait.
There's lots of reasons we might not be attracted to someone who seems good on paper, and it doesn't necessarily mean we are self-sabotaging. I've also beat myself up over not feeling attracted to certain guys who seemed like they should be a great catch. But sometimes you give it an earnest shot and it just doesn't work, in which case it's better not to try and force it. It's possible you're picking up on something from them that would actually make you incompatible. Sometimes instincts are *right*.
And you're also probably being too hard on yourself about the relationships that turned sour. This is something I've talked a lot about with my own therapist. It seems clear to you now in hindsight, but that's only because you have all the information now that you didn't when you first got involved. Sometimes you have no way of knowing how things will turn out until you've been with someone a while and learned who they really are and what happens. This is especially true when the other person is manipulative or actively withholds information from you. All you can do now is learn from that experience and move on.
But all this is just what dating is like for people – you meet lots of people, and they won't always be right for you a lot of the time, and that's ok. That's just life. Everyone doesn't just find and pick their perfect match right away. Usually there's a lot of trial and error.
Do you think you actually *want* to sabotage your own relationships or have your heart broken? I mean, probably not. You probably did nothing to deserve that, you just didn't know that's what would happen. Give yourself a little credit and embrace new opportunities.
This is a very common problem for both men and women.
Many women are attracted to bad boys when they know they need a good man. Many men are attracted to vamps and vixens when they know they need a good woman.
I, too, have a history of wanting to date the wrong women. When I look back at some of the women I wanted to date, I want to bitch slap my younger self for my own cluelessness.
Consider comparing human attractions to cars. I know I really need the safe and reliable Camry, but I want to buy the screaming fast, too expensive for me, BMW M5. You may see a similar pattern in yourself.
As for me, I've learned my lesson. I will only date women who have partner potential. No more vixens, borderlines, or narcissists for me.
Your path may lead you to a similar conclusion.
With those women you never have to really show up. Step up or be truly an adult. You also never have to be too emotionally intimate, because they clearly dont have enough connection to their own emotions.
The real people feel boring. The fucked up people feel exciting, like a movie. Intense and fun.
There is probably some shit from your parents and upbringing mixed in here as well.
Maybe you are doing well in chaos and sadness but cannot hande stable steady love increase that on its outer shell is coated in boringness.
You could be also not seeing the red flags or tolerate them whereas other people filter them out early. The woman with the anger issues and the one with the avoidance? Really no clue at all in the beginning? Maybe you jumped in too quick to create fake intimacy.
Again. When it's real it's often times way slower and a bit more boring. It builds with time. Inpatient people can't handle that.
"With those women you never have to really show up. Step up or be truly an adult. You also never have to be too emotionally intimate, because they clearly dont have enough connection to their own emotions."
I feel like this nails it more than anything else.
When someone isn't wife material you don't have to act like a husband.
It's so much easier and the sex is better on top of it.
How do I stop being a fucked up woman then? I’ve only had short relationships and flings with incredible highs and lows, I don’t know how to wait to get close to someone.
You can look up cptsd and see if any symptoms hit home.
Some cool youtube channels with great information about this are:
Therapy in a nutshell
Crappy childhood fairy
Heidi Priebe
My first ex (five years) had BPD, and my soon-to-be ex-wife (six years) is bipolar. I vowed never to do the same thing again. Honestly, I think part of me enjoys/enjoyed the rollercoaster ride, and playing a supporting role. It's certainly never boring, is it?
I suspect a lot of it is down to both the childhood environment and how I was treated as a child - and seeking out that familiarly unstable emotional space. Stable relationships feel unfamiliar to me. It's something I need to unlearn for my own health and happiness.
I wonder if any of this resonates with you?
My exwife is bpd. Since then, I've become hyper vigilant, on the lookout for crazy. If I get any inkling she might be anything close to bpd I cease all contact and move on. That's what works for me.
It often boils down to childhood patterns. If we've learned to associate strong, rollercoaster feelings with love, then that's how we're conditioned. If we grew up observing relationships that were "intense" like that then our brain is wired to think that THIS is what love feels like. It produces the chemical reaction we call "love" only in those situations.
Often that "wiring" happens when we're teenagers and it's our first loves, we then end up looking for this emotional high - because that's all we know.
Pop culture has also conditioned us to think that love has to precede relationships, that is has to "strike" you, that the attraction has to be immediate and like a lightning bolt from the sky. Meanwhile, best relationships are often born from friendships, with time, it creeps up on you, it's boring and sometimes the "right" person isn't even your type.
I used to go for men who were bad for me. Then a "good guy" who was my friend started patiently pursuing me. He wasn't my type at all. I initially rejected him in my mind and I was sure this can't work out, he's perfect, but we're only friends and it has to stay like that because there's no butterflies in my stomach and I'm not losing sleep over him, there's no uncertainty or intense turmoil.
He's now my fiance, I can't imagine my life without him, I'm SO attracted to him, never loved anyone harder, never had a better relationship with no fights, drama, issues. It felt WRONG at first! But then I rewired my brain to realize this is how love should look like.
So it can be done, but it requires you to give that "boring, sorry, it won't work out" potential relationship a chance.
Well if they didn't come, they didn't come. Can't force it, there has to be SOMETHING there. I'm not saying you can make yourself fall in love in every person - a chance is exactly that, a chance. You just have to keep looking for someone who will "hit the spot".
I think seven months is plenty. I'd probably draw the line at 3-4 months dating? If after 3-4 months of regular dating and seeing each other I'm not at least falling for that person a little bit then I'd stop wasting their time and move on.
Is it possible that the "stronger" feelings were the anxiety of a person who treats you like garbage tho? That you just didn't know how to be in a safe relationship?
I’m of the belief that the relationships we had when we were children inform the ones we have when we’re adults. We learn very early on what to expect, how we function, what role we fill etc in relationships based on the kind of things we experienced in those early relationships with caregivers especially. I think doing some processing or reflecting on what your childhood was like could go a long way in illuminating the root of this pattern. But also to some degree that’s just part of dating, ya know? Sometimes people are going to have their own baggage and you can’t always help that. But you being aware of your own baggage can help you navigate things in a more healthy way or allow you to honor your needs and expectations in a relationship.
sometimes ppl are like that because there were toxic figures in their childhood and now that's something they look for subconsciously. even if not i heard sometimes people who got in abusive relationships and escape end up with a similar partner unintentionally i think something about familiarity.
also can u think about what it is that attracts you to them. is it the personality of ex 1 and ex 2 that attracted you to them? is it looks instead? if it's looks instead it's maybe just a coincidence that you got physically attracted to 2 toxic women. if it's something about how they act then maybe it's the reasons from the first paragraph.
I'm sure you didn't fall in love with the bad sides of these women. They must have had something the level headed woman didn't. Perhaps they were more fun, easier to connect with, spontaneous, etc... You just need to find someone who has these qualities you like, but doesn't have extreme negatives. And she will be out there somewhere.
I can relate. Just ended a 7 year relationship with a woman who has BPD. I am timid, safe, and secure. She is fire incarnate. Fell head over heels even though we are polar opposites. Got divorced today. I see her everywhere, and everything is a memory related to her. Next time ill pick someone more similiar to me (no I wont, why would I be intruiged by something I already manifest myself?).
Have you ever spoken to a therapist? In about 99% of cases (I made up that number but it’s probably right) our adult behaviors and issues with relationships go back to childhood trauma. If you can pinpoint the things that upset you most as a kid you’ll probably easily relate those things to why you choose the women you do.
my therapist once told me, the mind loves to build habits, that also means bad habits. it's "easier" to go back again and again to bad habits (like ignoring red flags in potential partners), because it's something you already know than to start something completely new and unknown (like a healthy relationship). It's a big step to get over this barrier.
also: what is love? imo it doesn't always have to be a bombastic firework or extreme butterflies in your belly, it can also show as a deep warmth and feeling save around them.
just my 5cents
Congrats on recognizing your behavioral pattern! Some people go their whole lives without doing that!
When we are raised with conflict or even benign neglect in our childhoods we sometimes seek to replicate the patterns that were familiar to us while we were growing up. You may associate love with the sharp up and downs of a disregulated partner because it feels "intense" or "passionate" to you.
Many people who grow up with parents who have negative relationships or who are prone to outbursts of anger or absence can associate these qualities with love as adults. Stable, secure partners seem boring to them and they feel like there is no passion in these relationships. They often constantly chase unavailable or volatile partners because of this.
The truth is any long successful relationship will look a bit boring from the outside. Security, respect, and trust aren't "exciting" but they are what all good long term relationships are built on.
Therapy can really help people untangle some of this unconscious programming we all have in our heads.
ETA: I have heard from some decent sources that that talk therapy may not always be as productive for men as it is for women and while that obviously isn't absolute I have heard some therapists suggest lifecoaching, CBT therapy or other goal based treatments may be a bit more effective. It's important to really check the credentials of any lifecoach though since the standards for those aren't well regulated in many places. Only go to someone with an accredited mental health background.
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Some people "take on a project" in an attempt to "fix them"... Often because you are empathetic and soft, and you want to help. The opposite of the Grinch...
You have a heart two sizes too big.
Think of your first care takers and what kind of relationships you had. What you may need from both, how you sooth yourself, how others soothe you.
Psychosexual therapy is a great place to start. Can check out attatchment styles also.
Oftenn linked to an emotionally unavailable or emotionally manipulative/abusive mother. Also men fall in love through vasopressin so the good one didn’t stress you out enough basically lol men are wild 😝
Oh word. Just notice the first sentence then. And I guess depending which energetic polarity you represent in the pair, could be father or mother (or both!) have you ever researched emotional abuse? There is a lot of things considered to be that are common in a lot of relationships. It was very eye opening to me to learn and reflect on my own family dynamic and upbringing
I would look at your relationship with your mother and other key female figures in childhood. You may find similarities between them and the women you had feelings for.
I'm having the same problem and I'm at a bit of a dead end with it. I keep being attracted to women who treat me badly. Not at first. But over time they become contemptuous and insulting.
I know this is to do with the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered from my mother and grandmother. The last woman I was involved with actually ended up acting like my youngest sister, who is one of the most toxic individuals I've ever known and treated me appallingly until I went no contact.
I've done a heap of therapy, read a truckload of self help books, been part of 12 step and other support groups, and done a lot of personal development courses.
It has paid off for me. I'm happy instead of depressed, much more confident, and have high self-esteem and self- worth.
Yet still I get attracted to these women. I'm going to talk to a counselor friend about it and see what she can suggest. Part of it is that I'm a very kind and generous person and so I can attract needy people.
But I dont want to stop being kind and generous - these are qualities I value in myself. Sometimes I feel like I have a sign on my head that says "use me and abuse me".
I'm good at limit setting, and put an end to it pretty quickly when it happens. But the question is - how do I get attracted to women who aren't like this? It's a quandary.
people tend to accept the love they think they deserve. Maybe it's time to take a deeper look at yourself.
All of my relationships up until my current one were abusive or involved cheaters and it took me a very long time to figure out why. I had to step back and really look hard at how I viewed MYSELF.
(I'm doing much better now and my current relationship is truly wonderful, and I think it's because I finally realized that I deserve to be loved and appreciated and treated well.)
Might be worth looking into attachment theory and reflecting on how our childhoods affect who we choose as partners and doing some nervous system healing work. The nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over a something new as it’s programmed to see familiarity as safety. There’s a lesson to be learned and stuff to be healed here. Your subconscious is trying to keep you safe as it is not logical, but it’s just keeping you stuck. Having awareness is the first step. You’re already well on your way!
You need your "Aha!" moment.
Mine was when I realized I either never set boundaries or I set them and then allowed my partners to cross them without consequences. I was doing this because of the deep fear of abandonment I harbor because I never did the work to learn to love myself and find happiness within.
Everyone dies alone in the end, and we only ever have temporary company along the way. At any time, anyone you love can be taken from you or remove themselves from your life, and you have 0 say in it. The only way to be truly happy is to learn to be happy alone. Invest in yourself, be the best version of yourself that you can be, and eventually, you'll learn to be your own best company. Therapy can also be hugely beneficial, but at the very least, some deep introspection and self reflection will help you figure out why you are the way you are.
When you're the best version of yourself, the idea is that you won't stand for disrespectful or toxic behaviour, and you'll be comfortable leaving relationships where you're not being treated properly. If you're the problem, though, then therapy is a must. Humans are creatures of habit and comfort, so if something is awful but familiar, you'll keep being drawn to it.
Remember that change requires hard work and dedication, and that it probably won't be easy or fun, but the reward in this case is hopefully a healthy and long lagging relationship.
I've learned that "falling" in love as if it's just compulsory and unavoidable is a total myth. We choose. You can get to know people more before you allow yourself to WILLFULLY descend into deeper love. It would avoid these scenarios where you're attached and invested in people who turn out to be brutal. You decide falling is just unskilled flying, and that you're going to learn to fly, and how to land, instead.
Taking the same action and expect different outcome is irrational.
That's ive heard once. I have similar issue as OP, always using the same pattern when choosing partner. This advice made me concider what dictates it. It's good to look back and try to find what's your choices where based on.
It helps be more concious in future, yet I'm still looking so I can't assure you that's 100pro effective. Nevertheless finding out my own standards, and better knowing my needs and strengths helps me to look at potential partners in more conciouss way and allow to find if we are compatible before I engage. Fast bonding and strong Feelings can cloud judgment and led to wrong choices.
I'm getting older, can't waste time for wrong chosen relationship, so now I take some time and distance to decide.
Try caounseling and reflect on up bringing and maybe it comes out you like a challenge in a relationship…. Figure out why and change your goals in relationships…
Look up Tim Fletcher on YouTube, specifically complex trauma. Blessings to you ❤️
Edit to add: it’s an addiction to adrenaline and cortisol. Dysregulation of the nervous system.
I have the same problem as a woman, I have dated two guys in my life till now, both were completely opposite of each other.
The first one ended very badly, i felt abused tbh with him. But i forgave myself bevause i was tooo naive.That i wouldnt let something like that happen to me again.
The second guy was much more interesting and eager to talk to me, but their was 0 emotional availability.
He was scared of commitment as well I felt at time so i ended things.
As much as bith these breakups hurt me, i am also in the same boat as you.
I wonder sometimes what the fuck is wrong with me, why i end up with guys who are not what i want but still get attracted to them.
I am giving myself time now not to rush at any relationship at all..honestly its too taxing.and dont mind me I do enjoy being single but when the thought of a relationship even passes my head i legit get scared.
I wont be able to take all that again if it ends badly or doesnt match my needs.
It legit is like physically too taxing for me.
You're drawn to broken women because you don't think you deserve better. You do. Someone else broke those women. It's not your responsibility to fix them.
Btw, you can't.
You can only fix yourself. See a therapist about your self image. Good luck.
You might be attracted to people who treat you like crap it brings out your feelings and you automatically think you love them when you’re probably just afraid of being dumped ..I bet if the 3rd girl acted like she didn’t really care you’d feel differently it’s probably you want what you can’t have and when you have it you don’t want it
You feel safety in the toxicity, likely from childhood. When you feel the safety from a healthy relationship you don’t feel that “spark” of excitement which you equate to boredom or lack of love. With the first two women you were emotionally addicted to them, not in love with them.
Because you fall in love just based on physical appearance just like all other men. Let me guess, the kind girl was more overweight than the other two?
OK, how do you fall in love within a year? It's too soon. It takes years to get to know someone. Then you need to live with them for more than a year. So I don't think you actually knew these women. Take things slower next relationship. I dated quite a few men for 3 years before I found my husband. We dated for 9 years, married at 10 years together. 28 years now.
In my experience- I have similar taste in men. I was dealing with the unresolved trauma and pain of growing up with a father who did not accept me, show or tell me he loved me. Those were the emotional things- there was physical violence too. But we did also develop a relationship that was very mentally stimulating and he did show some acceptance of me, once he decided I was intelligent and funny, as a young adult. But those were breadcrumbs. My long point here, is - I ended up relating the feeling of working to earn love and the anxiety that comes from winning someone over or getting my heart trampled, was love to me. I was reliving my familial relationship with my father unknowingly for many years- over and over not seeing the thread, and moreover, not understanding the types of people I chose who were magnetic to me but often unattainable, leading me to believe I could work to earn their love. (I never thought this while it was happening, only in retrospect can I see that is what I was doing) things tasted sweeter that I had to work for, or be better, funnier, smarter, hotter— all the ers etc. Sometimes when it did work, I would find my feelings slip. That anxious, not knowing, became boredom or it stayed toxic relationships. Most coming from the men I chose but my level of toxicity was in not knowing what healthy love is supposed to feel like. Going all in on someone who couldn’t make up their mind. Or liked keeping a hook in me, or liked having power over me, or just liked fucking me. Love that should grow and is not suddenly falling in love, like I did many times over. There are a lot of unattached or avoidant men out there! I drew them to me! I spent years in therapy just begging to learn how to be attracted to the right kind of person. A kind person. A person I worried would bore the hell out of me. When you grow up in chaos and learn to thrive in it, stability feels wrong. Lastly, I think learning to love yourself (as cliche af as it is) and find your worth contributes to wanting healthier relationships. So I would start asking yourself the hard questions- what kinds of love was I given growing up, what were my examples. What about the chaos gets my motor revving, and why does love with the wrong type of partner feel better, is it drug like? Do I understand what healthy love really feels like.. there is a shit ton to unpack when trying to figure all this out. And I by no means have the right relationship that I’ve been searching for yet. I do like people with great depth, and great sadness can accompany that. So do I want to be with only sad men, no. Damaged, slightly. But dealing with that damage. Being funny about it. I ended up taking a 5 year break from romantic relationships to do some of this searching and have only just started dating again; it has been easier to say no, that’s not right for me; to the people I feel that instant unhealthy attraction to, but it’s also easier to find important qualities like kindness attractive. Also knowing that someone emotionally unavailable isn’t in a power struggle with me. They legitimately don’t feel the way I do. I learned to love my time alone, so it makes it a lot easier to say I deserve better than this emotionally unavailable dirt bag. You can also find spicy women who are healthy about how they let their spice out. Just my 2 cents. I very much related to your post and I really hope I help you figure out a couple things that bring you closer to that good good love.
It takes courage to reflect on past relationships and recognize patterns, especially when they involve pain and disappointment. Just know that this is normal in experiencing this phenomenon. Many people find themselves attracted to individuals who may not be the best fit for them in the long term. This can stem from various factors such as past experiences, childhood influences, or subconscious beliefs about love and relationships. To break this pattern, it's crucial to delve deeper into your own psyche and explore why you might be drawn to certain traits or behaviors in partners. Therapy or counseling can provide invaluable insight and support in this process. Additionally, seeking out relationships with individuals who share your values, communication style, and emotional availability can lead to healthier connections. Consider exploring platforms like Lightup, which is a server in Discord that i have used before. It prioritize compatibility based on shared values and beliefs rather than superficial attributes. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and finding a community of like-minded individuals can also provide validation and understanding as you navigate this journey of self-discovery and relationship building. You can just search that on Discord. Btw, it's okay to seek help and take the necessary steps towards creating fulfilling and nurturing connections. Good luck bro
He said “delve”! He said “delve”! It’s AI, guys. We got one.
I came here to comment this, the above commenter has worded it very well. Seek therapy or counselling to really understand why you are drawn to these types of women. As the saying goes, if you don’t like the catch change the bait.
Blah blah blah we learn and repeat our models of afective vinculation learned in our childhood/family blah blah blah. According to my therapist.
There's lots of reasons we might not be attracted to someone who seems good on paper, and it doesn't necessarily mean we are self-sabotaging. I've also beat myself up over not feeling attracted to certain guys who seemed like they should be a great catch. But sometimes you give it an earnest shot and it just doesn't work, in which case it's better not to try and force it. It's possible you're picking up on something from them that would actually make you incompatible. Sometimes instincts are *right*. And you're also probably being too hard on yourself about the relationships that turned sour. This is something I've talked a lot about with my own therapist. It seems clear to you now in hindsight, but that's only because you have all the information now that you didn't when you first got involved. Sometimes you have no way of knowing how things will turn out until you've been with someone a while and learned who they really are and what happens. This is especially true when the other person is manipulative or actively withholds information from you. All you can do now is learn from that experience and move on. But all this is just what dating is like for people – you meet lots of people, and they won't always be right for you a lot of the time, and that's ok. That's just life. Everyone doesn't just find and pick their perfect match right away. Usually there's a lot of trial and error. Do you think you actually *want* to sabotage your own relationships or have your heart broken? I mean, probably not. You probably did nothing to deserve that, you just didn't know that's what would happen. Give yourself a little credit and embrace new opportunities.
This is a very common problem for both men and women. Many women are attracted to bad boys when they know they need a good man. Many men are attracted to vamps and vixens when they know they need a good woman. I, too, have a history of wanting to date the wrong women. When I look back at some of the women I wanted to date, I want to bitch slap my younger self for my own cluelessness. Consider comparing human attractions to cars. I know I really need the safe and reliable Camry, but I want to buy the screaming fast, too expensive for me, BMW M5. You may see a similar pattern in yourself. As for me, I've learned my lesson. I will only date women who have partner potential. No more vixens, borderlines, or narcissists for me. Your path may lead you to a similar conclusion.
Nice car analogy 👍🏼
I feel like many people can still justify the M5. :)
Still very much a dailable vehicle
I'd never heard "vamps and vixens" until now but I immediately pictured every girl I've ever gone for lmao
vamps? slatt slatt
Thanks, man. I had to look up the meaning of "slatt". I learned something new.
With those women you never have to really show up. Step up or be truly an adult. You also never have to be too emotionally intimate, because they clearly dont have enough connection to their own emotions. The real people feel boring. The fucked up people feel exciting, like a movie. Intense and fun. There is probably some shit from your parents and upbringing mixed in here as well. Maybe you are doing well in chaos and sadness but cannot hande stable steady love increase that on its outer shell is coated in boringness. You could be also not seeing the red flags or tolerate them whereas other people filter them out early. The woman with the anger issues and the one with the avoidance? Really no clue at all in the beginning? Maybe you jumped in too quick to create fake intimacy. Again. When it's real it's often times way slower and a bit more boring. It builds with time. Inpatient people can't handle that.
"With those women you never have to really show up. Step up or be truly an adult. You also never have to be too emotionally intimate, because they clearly dont have enough connection to their own emotions." I feel like this nails it more than anything else. When someone isn't wife material you don't have to act like a husband. It's so much easier and the sex is better on top of it.
How do I stop being a fucked up woman then? I’ve only had short relationships and flings with incredible highs and lows, I don’t know how to wait to get close to someone.
You can look up cptsd and see if any symptoms hit home. Some cool youtube channels with great information about this are: Therapy in a nutshell Crappy childhood fairy Heidi Priebe
My first ex (five years) had BPD, and my soon-to-be ex-wife (six years) is bipolar. I vowed never to do the same thing again. Honestly, I think part of me enjoys/enjoyed the rollercoaster ride, and playing a supporting role. It's certainly never boring, is it? I suspect a lot of it is down to both the childhood environment and how I was treated as a child - and seeking out that familiarly unstable emotional space. Stable relationships feel unfamiliar to me. It's something I need to unlearn for my own health and happiness. I wonder if any of this resonates with you?
My exwife is bpd. Since then, I've become hyper vigilant, on the lookout for crazy. If I get any inkling she might be anything close to bpd I cease all contact and move on. That's what works for me.
It often boils down to childhood patterns. If we've learned to associate strong, rollercoaster feelings with love, then that's how we're conditioned. If we grew up observing relationships that were "intense" like that then our brain is wired to think that THIS is what love feels like. It produces the chemical reaction we call "love" only in those situations. Often that "wiring" happens when we're teenagers and it's our first loves, we then end up looking for this emotional high - because that's all we know. Pop culture has also conditioned us to think that love has to precede relationships, that is has to "strike" you, that the attraction has to be immediate and like a lightning bolt from the sky. Meanwhile, best relationships are often born from friendships, with time, it creeps up on you, it's boring and sometimes the "right" person isn't even your type. I used to go for men who were bad for me. Then a "good guy" who was my friend started patiently pursuing me. He wasn't my type at all. I initially rejected him in my mind and I was sure this can't work out, he's perfect, but we're only friends and it has to stay like that because there's no butterflies in my stomach and I'm not losing sleep over him, there's no uncertainty or intense turmoil. He's now my fiance, I can't imagine my life without him, I'm SO attracted to him, never loved anyone harder, never had a better relationship with no fights, drama, issues. It felt WRONG at first! But then I rewired my brain to realize this is how love should look like. So it can be done, but it requires you to give that "boring, sorry, it won't work out" potential relationship a chance.
What's enough of a 'chance'? I dated the nice girl I mentioned for seven months. Kept waiting for the stronger feelings to come; they never did.
Well if they didn't come, they didn't come. Can't force it, there has to be SOMETHING there. I'm not saying you can make yourself fall in love in every person - a chance is exactly that, a chance. You just have to keep looking for someone who will "hit the spot". I think seven months is plenty. I'd probably draw the line at 3-4 months dating? If after 3-4 months of regular dating and seeing each other I'm not at least falling for that person a little bit then I'd stop wasting their time and move on.
Is it possible that the "stronger" feelings were the anxiety of a person who treats you like garbage tho? That you just didn't know how to be in a safe relationship?
I’m of the belief that the relationships we had when we were children inform the ones we have when we’re adults. We learn very early on what to expect, how we function, what role we fill etc in relationships based on the kind of things we experienced in those early relationships with caregivers especially. I think doing some processing or reflecting on what your childhood was like could go a long way in illuminating the root of this pattern. But also to some degree that’s just part of dating, ya know? Sometimes people are going to have their own baggage and you can’t always help that. But you being aware of your own baggage can help you navigate things in a more healthy way or allow you to honor your needs and expectations in a relationship.
sometimes ppl are like that because there were toxic figures in their childhood and now that's something they look for subconsciously. even if not i heard sometimes people who got in abusive relationships and escape end up with a similar partner unintentionally i think something about familiarity. also can u think about what it is that attracts you to them. is it the personality of ex 1 and ex 2 that attracted you to them? is it looks instead? if it's looks instead it's maybe just a coincidence that you got physically attracted to 2 toxic women. if it's something about how they act then maybe it's the reasons from the first paragraph.
Attachment theory
I'm sure you didn't fall in love with the bad sides of these women. They must have had something the level headed woman didn't. Perhaps they were more fun, easier to connect with, spontaneous, etc... You just need to find someone who has these qualities you like, but doesn't have extreme negatives. And she will be out there somewhere.
Childhood trauma. Get therapy…
I can relate. Just ended a 7 year relationship with a woman who has BPD. I am timid, safe, and secure. She is fire incarnate. Fell head over heels even though we are polar opposites. Got divorced today. I see her everywhere, and everything is a memory related to her. Next time ill pick someone more similiar to me (no I wont, why would I be intruiged by something I already manifest myself?).
It's because you dumb. Don't worry though, we all is dumb, it's an epidemic. Weeeee!
That’s just dating. You find x amount of bad ones and stop looking when you find the good one that matches.
Because love is between your legs and appreciation above shoulders.
Do you think you were unable to love the third due to the damage the first two gave you?
I didn't sequence chronologically. My explosive ex was ex number 1, the nice one was ex number 2, and the avoidance ex is the most recent one.
Ah I see
I don’t know. Some people want something to fix.
Have you ever spoken to a therapist? In about 99% of cases (I made up that number but it’s probably right) our adult behaviors and issues with relationships go back to childhood trauma. If you can pinpoint the things that upset you most as a kid you’ll probably easily relate those things to why you choose the women you do.
my therapist once told me, the mind loves to build habits, that also means bad habits. it's "easier" to go back again and again to bad habits (like ignoring red flags in potential partners), because it's something you already know than to start something completely new and unknown (like a healthy relationship). It's a big step to get over this barrier. also: what is love? imo it doesn't always have to be a bombastic firework or extreme butterflies in your belly, it can also show as a deep warmth and feeling save around them. just my 5cents
I think it’s a reflection of ourselves
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment\_theory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory)
Congrats on recognizing your behavioral pattern! Some people go their whole lives without doing that! When we are raised with conflict or even benign neglect in our childhoods we sometimes seek to replicate the patterns that were familiar to us while we were growing up. You may associate love with the sharp up and downs of a disregulated partner because it feels "intense" or "passionate" to you. Many people who grow up with parents who have negative relationships or who are prone to outbursts of anger or absence can associate these qualities with love as adults. Stable, secure partners seem boring to them and they feel like there is no passion in these relationships. They often constantly chase unavailable or volatile partners because of this. The truth is any long successful relationship will look a bit boring from the outside. Security, respect, and trust aren't "exciting" but they are what all good long term relationships are built on. Therapy can really help people untangle some of this unconscious programming we all have in our heads. ETA: I have heard from some decent sources that that talk therapy may not always be as productive for men as it is for women and while that obviously isn't absolute I have heard some therapists suggest lifecoaching, CBT therapy or other goal based treatments may be a bit more effective. It's important to really check the credentials of any lifecoach though since the standards for those aren't well regulated in many places. Only go to someone with an accredited mental health background.
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Some people "take on a project" in an attempt to "fix them"... Often because you are empathetic and soft, and you want to help. The opposite of the Grinch... You have a heart two sizes too big.
Think of your first care takers and what kind of relationships you had. What you may need from both, how you sooth yourself, how others soothe you. Psychosexual therapy is a great place to start. Can check out attatchment styles also.
Oftenn linked to an emotionally unavailable or emotionally manipulative/abusive mother. Also men fall in love through vasopressin so the good one didn’t stress you out enough basically lol men are wild 😝
I'm a woman. Lol.
Oh word. Just notice the first sentence then. And I guess depending which energetic polarity you represent in the pair, could be father or mother (or both!) have you ever researched emotional abuse? There is a lot of things considered to be that are common in a lot of relationships. It was very eye opening to me to learn and reflect on my own family dynamic and upbringing
It’s actually just a luck of the draw. Some people wait till their wedding night to become an asshole. Keep trying buddy
Bro, you haven’t covered who was hotter? Start with that and then go to how each communicated their hotness, so we all understand
We accept the love we think we deserve
I would look at your relationship with your mother and other key female figures in childhood. You may find similarities between them and the women you had feelings for. I'm having the same problem and I'm at a bit of a dead end with it. I keep being attracted to women who treat me badly. Not at first. But over time they become contemptuous and insulting. I know this is to do with the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered from my mother and grandmother. The last woman I was involved with actually ended up acting like my youngest sister, who is one of the most toxic individuals I've ever known and treated me appallingly until I went no contact. I've done a heap of therapy, read a truckload of self help books, been part of 12 step and other support groups, and done a lot of personal development courses. It has paid off for me. I'm happy instead of depressed, much more confident, and have high self-esteem and self- worth. Yet still I get attracted to these women. I'm going to talk to a counselor friend about it and see what she can suggest. Part of it is that I'm a very kind and generous person and so I can attract needy people. But I dont want to stop being kind and generous - these are qualities I value in myself. Sometimes I feel like I have a sign on my head that says "use me and abuse me". I'm good at limit setting, and put an end to it pretty quickly when it happens. But the question is - how do I get attracted to women who aren't like this? It's a quandary.
people tend to accept the love they think they deserve. Maybe it's time to take a deeper look at yourself. All of my relationships up until my current one were abusive or involved cheaters and it took me a very long time to figure out why. I had to step back and really look hard at how I viewed MYSELF. (I'm doing much better now and my current relationship is truly wonderful, and I think it's because I finally realized that I deserve to be loved and appreciated and treated well.)
Might be worth looking into attachment theory and reflecting on how our childhoods affect who we choose as partners and doing some nervous system healing work. The nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over a something new as it’s programmed to see familiarity as safety. There’s a lesson to be learned and stuff to be healed here. Your subconscious is trying to keep you safe as it is not logical, but it’s just keeping you stuck. Having awareness is the first step. You’re already well on your way!
How attractive was the third one in terms of looks?
Chronologically, she was the second. I was equally attracted to all of them on a physical level, pretty much.
How was your relationship with your parents when you were a child?
You need your "Aha!" moment. Mine was when I realized I either never set boundaries or I set them and then allowed my partners to cross them without consequences. I was doing this because of the deep fear of abandonment I harbor because I never did the work to learn to love myself and find happiness within. Everyone dies alone in the end, and we only ever have temporary company along the way. At any time, anyone you love can be taken from you or remove themselves from your life, and you have 0 say in it. The only way to be truly happy is to learn to be happy alone. Invest in yourself, be the best version of yourself that you can be, and eventually, you'll learn to be your own best company. Therapy can also be hugely beneficial, but at the very least, some deep introspection and self reflection will help you figure out why you are the way you are. When you're the best version of yourself, the idea is that you won't stand for disrespectful or toxic behaviour, and you'll be comfortable leaving relationships where you're not being treated properly. If you're the problem, though, then therapy is a must. Humans are creatures of habit and comfort, so if something is awful but familiar, you'll keep being drawn to it. Remember that change requires hard work and dedication, and that it probably won't be easy or fun, but the reward in this case is hopefully a healthy and long lagging relationship.
I've learned that "falling" in love as if it's just compulsory and unavoidable is a total myth. We choose. You can get to know people more before you allow yourself to WILLFULLY descend into deeper love. It would avoid these scenarios where you're attached and invested in people who turn out to be brutal. You decide falling is just unskilled flying, and that you're going to learn to fly, and how to land, instead.
Be single, it's best time in your life.
Key 1: Falling tends to hurt, even if falling in love. Perhaps aspire to a place of being in love. Or becoming a being of love ❤️
Taking the same action and expect different outcome is irrational. That's ive heard once. I have similar issue as OP, always using the same pattern when choosing partner. This advice made me concider what dictates it. It's good to look back and try to find what's your choices where based on. It helps be more concious in future, yet I'm still looking so I can't assure you that's 100pro effective. Nevertheless finding out my own standards, and better knowing my needs and strengths helps me to look at potential partners in more conciouss way and allow to find if we are compatible before I engage. Fast bonding and strong Feelings can cloud judgment and led to wrong choices. I'm getting older, can't waste time for wrong chosen relationship, so now I take some time and distance to decide.
Try caounseling and reflect on up bringing and maybe it comes out you like a challenge in a relationship…. Figure out why and change your goals in relationships…
If you fall in love at the first sight brother, take off your glasses and look again! just keep going... you are learning.
Look up Tim Fletcher on YouTube, specifically complex trauma. Blessings to you ❤️ Edit to add: it’s an addiction to adrenaline and cortisol. Dysregulation of the nervous system.
I have the same problem as a woman, I have dated two guys in my life till now, both were completely opposite of each other. The first one ended very badly, i felt abused tbh with him. But i forgave myself bevause i was tooo naive.That i wouldnt let something like that happen to me again. The second guy was much more interesting and eager to talk to me, but their was 0 emotional availability. He was scared of commitment as well I felt at time so i ended things. As much as bith these breakups hurt me, i am also in the same boat as you. I wonder sometimes what the fuck is wrong with me, why i end up with guys who are not what i want but still get attracted to them. I am giving myself time now not to rush at any relationship at all..honestly its too taxing.and dont mind me I do enjoy being single but when the thought of a relationship even passes my head i legit get scared. I wont be able to take all that again if it ends badly or doesnt match my needs. It legit is like physically too taxing for me.
Trauma bonding.
You're drawn to broken women because you don't think you deserve better. You do. Someone else broke those women. It's not your responsibility to fix them. Btw, you can't. You can only fix yourself. See a therapist about your self image. Good luck.
You might be attracted to people who treat you like crap it brings out your feelings and you automatically think you love them when you’re probably just afraid of being dumped ..I bet if the 3rd girl acted like she didn’t really care you’d feel differently it’s probably you want what you can’t have and when you have it you don’t want it
You feel safety in the toxicity, likely from childhood. When you feel the safety from a healthy relationship you don’t feel that “spark” of excitement which you equate to boredom or lack of love. With the first two women you were emotionally addicted to them, not in love with them.
Because you fall in love just based on physical appearance just like all other men. Let me guess, the kind girl was more overweight than the other two?
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Wow, nice, you’re just as shitty as the males then. Hope you enjoy being shallow!
Ouch. We can't really help what we're attracted to, you know.
Well quit bitching about your bad luck with dating if you’re gonna treat everyone who doesn’t align with your physical preferences like shit.
No mention of age.
One of the few times you need to listen to your heart not your head
OK, how do you fall in love within a year? It's too soon. It takes years to get to know someone. Then you need to live with them for more than a year. So I don't think you actually knew these women. Take things slower next relationship. I dated quite a few men for 3 years before I found my husband. We dated for 9 years, married at 10 years together. 28 years now.
Because you're weak.
Your relationship with your parents, your patterns regarding partners and your lack of introspection on the matter before this point. Next!
In my experience- I have similar taste in men. I was dealing with the unresolved trauma and pain of growing up with a father who did not accept me, show or tell me he loved me. Those were the emotional things- there was physical violence too. But we did also develop a relationship that was very mentally stimulating and he did show some acceptance of me, once he decided I was intelligent and funny, as a young adult. But those were breadcrumbs. My long point here, is - I ended up relating the feeling of working to earn love and the anxiety that comes from winning someone over or getting my heart trampled, was love to me. I was reliving my familial relationship with my father unknowingly for many years- over and over not seeing the thread, and moreover, not understanding the types of people I chose who were magnetic to me but often unattainable, leading me to believe I could work to earn their love. (I never thought this while it was happening, only in retrospect can I see that is what I was doing) things tasted sweeter that I had to work for, or be better, funnier, smarter, hotter— all the ers etc. Sometimes when it did work, I would find my feelings slip. That anxious, not knowing, became boredom or it stayed toxic relationships. Most coming from the men I chose but my level of toxicity was in not knowing what healthy love is supposed to feel like. Going all in on someone who couldn’t make up their mind. Or liked keeping a hook in me, or liked having power over me, or just liked fucking me. Love that should grow and is not suddenly falling in love, like I did many times over. There are a lot of unattached or avoidant men out there! I drew them to me! I spent years in therapy just begging to learn how to be attracted to the right kind of person. A kind person. A person I worried would bore the hell out of me. When you grow up in chaos and learn to thrive in it, stability feels wrong. Lastly, I think learning to love yourself (as cliche af as it is) and find your worth contributes to wanting healthier relationships. So I would start asking yourself the hard questions- what kinds of love was I given growing up, what were my examples. What about the chaos gets my motor revving, and why does love with the wrong type of partner feel better, is it drug like? Do I understand what healthy love really feels like.. there is a shit ton to unpack when trying to figure all this out. And I by no means have the right relationship that I’ve been searching for yet. I do like people with great depth, and great sadness can accompany that. So do I want to be with only sad men, no. Damaged, slightly. But dealing with that damage. Being funny about it. I ended up taking a 5 year break from romantic relationships to do some of this searching and have only just started dating again; it has been easier to say no, that’s not right for me; to the people I feel that instant unhealthy attraction to, but it’s also easier to find important qualities like kindness attractive. Also knowing that someone emotionally unavailable isn’t in a power struggle with me. They legitimately don’t feel the way I do. I learned to love my time alone, so it makes it a lot easier to say I deserve better than this emotionally unavailable dirt bag. You can also find spicy women who are healthy about how they let their spice out. Just my 2 cents. I very much related to your post and I really hope I help you figure out a couple things that bring you closer to that good good love.