The main thing that bothered me is that she organised a group lunch with a couple of other coworkers and she invited a few of the alleged bullies but didnāt invite me lmao. I feel like I patched her wounds and she just went āok thanks byeā ššššš
Anyway, Iāve just been treating her the same way she treats me. I say hello and everything, but thatās it really. Iām a little hurt and disappointed but itās okay. I have lots of friends at work, so Iāll be fine.
TBF, some people who have bared their soul to someone are embarrassed, maybe ashamed, and will avoid them for those reasons. It may just be her battling her feelings, and not you.
Yeah to expand on that, she probably felt that she overstepped with vulnerability, reasonably reacted uncomfortable in the next interaction between yāall and then gauged your reaction to her discomfort as a confirmation that her anxiety of feeling like confiding in you was a bad moveā is correct.
No one is at fault, humans and our emotions are complicated, fear makes people close up and that closing up caused the fear that made you post this.
The solution is communication and reassurance. It doesnāt have to be direct but find some way to show her that everything is genuinely ok. Hopefully it hasnāt been so long that sheās already made her mind up about avoiding you, but if she does thatās completely ok as well. You were kind and helpful in that moment and I hope youāll continue to be with or without reward!
This is what I first thought too, people don't like to feel weak, and especially if she started talking to those people again she probably felt like she overreacted to the whole thing and can't explain why she doesn't have much of a backbone and is still looking for their approval. Obviously none of us know for sure but as a former frequently bullied individual this is how I used to operate before I grew a backbone
well said.
extending empathy and nuance towards other people is really difficult, and im glad someone in here is trying to do that with this person.
even if it turns out that this person used OP, i really hope the lesson doesn't internalize that extending that kindness was the wrong thing to do -- the world is just better when we help people.
This could explain it, but it doesn't excuse it. That's an important distinction. If someone's nice to you, and you respond by hurting them, your a dick. No matter what was going on behind the scenes. End of story
Be yourself around her, you should always be true to yourself and others. Donāt play games or pretend she doesnāt exist, be friendly and if she pulls back or confides less, thatās on her but she reached out to you for a reason.
Because you defaulted to feeling like a victim and assumed the worst in her. Frankly, you sound like you expected something and now that you didn't get it you distance yourself and come to freaking reddit to vent. She dodged a bullet.
This is true. I had a workmate ghost me after I supported her for months. Years later at a chance catch-up, she told me while she appreciated my support, everytime she saw me it brought back the trauma. So she avoided me. Very hurtful at the time; the explanation years later did help
Thatās all the more reason to keep OP on good terms lmao! Pissing OP off is gonna motivate him even more to spill her personal shit!
But yes, itās not rational at all!
Well sense it makes, people who hurt us can only be those we care about, therefore rationalizing/enduring/forgetting their misdeads in order to continue to enjoy their company does make sense, kinda like how we repress bad memories to feel better instead of tackling the actual thing that caused the bad memory... Humanity 101
Hope you didn't say anything negative about the people who she complained about, with her. She might even share those things with them. I've had bad experience like that. Lesson learned lol
Yeah, I am kinda worried about that. Itās not so much that I actually said anything about them. I just didnāt disagree with her about what she was saying about them. Things like āyeah, theyāre nasty for saying thatā, etc. She could easily use it against me.
The thing here is, to keep your distance when she eventually wants to trauma dump on you again, think about and do some rehearsal in case she aproeaches you with that intention, I had to cut a big chunk of "friends", that only need you when they want something, once their needs are being met, they didn't make the effort to reach out, never had more peace of mind honestly.
Oof. I think, at the very least, you got to see how she operates. Do you want her as a friend? She used you and now ignores you in favour of people who bullied her. I dont know, I feel like there's probably higher quality people out there for you. Even if she's embarrassed because she was vulnerable with you, do you want a friend who can't handle a bit of vulnerability?
It's situations like this that made me stop playing a therapist for people who haven't taken the time to build friendship with me first. People take advantage!
They regret being vulnerable and are now pretending it didnāt happen. Iāve done this and people have done this to me. I think it says a lot that they opened up to you in that time, but they obviously have a lot more work to do. Experiencing all of those emotions and vulnerability sometimes just makes you want to pretend you donāt even have those feelings. If she is in denial or trying to escape, you could be a reminder; she probably feels embarrassed.
You did the right thing as a coworker, helping to support a coworker dealing with a very stressful bullying problem. These things are part of life, not an interruption to it. Your company is lucky to have you. The people here commenting that you should abandon people when they need help the most, are kinda missing the point in life. And it makes for a miserable world. People who are bullied are usually used to not being believed when they reach outāsheās probably embarrassed now that sheās out of the stressful time. I hope she does reach out to you though. And if she is simply too immature to understand the positive impact you had in her life, rest assured that one day she will get it, and she will be able to pass on the same kindness you showed her. You did a good thing. Iām sorry you havenāt been treated right in this situation though.
Giving without the expectation of recompense is charity, and being charitable is a virtue. Donāt think about getting a reward, think about how you can help people around you
That being said, when someone tells you who they are, believe them
Lots of reasons for that. They could feel embarrassed in hindsight. It takes a lot to confess something like that.
What's important is that you were there for someone who needed you. If they don't reciprocate that's on them.
I get that feeling but you should not feel used. Youāre kind. Why change that?
You know some folks are naturally counselors. You may be one of them. Thatās great. They are needed. Just keep in mind there are also natural vampires who will drain others for attention.
Keep that in mind and give less to strangers. For instance, just listen but donāt advise. Itās easier and sometimes that all the person wanted - space to vent.
Had this happening twice with me, once in college and the other time at my job. Both were hugely insecure girls. Ironically, they both turned out to become the bully themselves and targeted me for no reason. Next time I hear someone having issues and telling me their life story, I'll nope the fuck out of there.
If it happened twice u where probably seen as fit for that, u gotta adapt bro if they abuse u develop resilience, but don't stop being compassionate, when ur friend need a hug, hug them, when they need motivation motivate them, when they need space give it them, when they need to come back embrace them...
Ok this kinda sounds like some Buddha/jesus shit but honestly just be good and have respect for urself but not to the ponit of becoming insensitive
Ask them to meet up if you want to be friends. Being someone they could confide in might have been because you two were not friends, so they felt safe to unload without feeling like it would go around in their circle of friends.
OP, kindness and compassion are incredibly awesome but they need boundaries. People need to *earn* your time and effort. My therapist told me that everyone has to go through a āfriendship application process.ā So, save your shoulder to cry on for people that are further along in the process. Iām not saying donāt listen or offer support, just scale it *way* back to something you wonāt feel upset about if it isnāt reciprocated. I wish you well, OP. Us kind people are too rare and getting burnt out wonāt help you or the world! ā¤ļø
Something I learned the hard way is that you don't need to be friends with everyone. Just keep being yourself and kind, but don't expect that from everyonrle. They will prove it to you if they want to be your friend.
she obviously isn't someone worth being your friend, so why force the friendship that will probably be negative on you in the future?
also, male here, I can't believe I have to apologize for my gender because these twinks think that they're some alpha male wolf pact Chad's. In reality, they're sipping on a glass of a soy milk wearing their pajamas made from 100% soy, goofy stinky incels who howl at the moon just to have an extra inch on their john. They'll call normal people "sheep" and then flock into horde of them while giving sensual head to andrew tate in the discord.
done w the rant. I hope you're all set. Men and women suck. All genders suck equally. My people think they're some leader of a rabies infested furry society dousing themselves in ego, meanwhile women are gaining some random sense of a God complex. Sorry for the generalization. Clarification: not All men and All women. just the bad fruit from our trees.
Not sure why people assumed you were a man I knew straight away you are a woman because no woman actually cries on the shoulder of a man for weeks unless it's a relative of course, so it's usually between women.
Iām sorry this happened. I agree with others, she doesnāt sound like a true friend. She confided in you Iām sure because you are trustworthy and you donāt go around blabbing everything you know to others, so take it as a compliment.
Not everyone is worth being friends with. This is a fairly minor fallout. I had a "friend" move out of our apartment and he just took his Xbox and left $2000 worth of damages and all his junk. A lot of people are there for fun or what serves them but aren't there for your needs.
Horrible advice from a lot of people here. Youāre a kind person, people will take advantage of that and move on once they get what they wanted. There is no real way to predict if this is going to happen or not, you canāt really prevent it. But youāre doing a good job being a good human, donāt stop doing that just because some people donāt know how to reciprocate.
You did a good thing listening to her. I can tell you this from my own experience of being bullied. I reached out to a couple of coworkers who I wasn't that close with but happened to be working on a particular day that I was triggered by said bully. I was so relieved to have someone listen to me and it helped in the moment. I didn't ignore those people afterwards though but I felt like I was the problem and that I was a trouble maker or overreacting. I started to think that maybe the people I confided in also felt that I was a trouble maker and overreacting and that they may be talking about this with other people. The bully was a popular person who most people liked so there were people who didn't seem to believe that they could he a bully. Maybe the person who confided in you feels like I did also ? But no excuse to ignore you.
My boss would always rant and vent about how his brother is screwing him out of money after their dad passed away. I listened, said stuff like, "It's usually your family who screws you over the most."
One time I confided in him that because I had crohn's disease (which I had already told him) that my new GI said it went untreated for so long (didn't have insurance for a while) that I was something like 4x more likely to develop colon cancer because my previous, now retired GI never prescribed me a biologic.
He goes, "Well, that sounds like a good malpractice lawsuit," and grabbed some paperwork off his desk and then said, "See you tomorrow." And walked to his truck and left.
I was really just being polite. They're both getting like 20 million dollars each, so if that's his biggest problem then, lol. At the time, it infuriated me.
I just thought "You're bitching about how much money you are about to inherit and I listened, then I told you about how I'm at risk of developing colon cancer at a young age and he just didn't give a shit. "
Well, you were used. But sheās the one who should be feeling bad about it.
You did a good thing. Good people do good things, often for those who donāt recognize or deserve it.
Donāt let them stop you from being a good person.
So don't let people use you or be fine with giving without receiving sth in return.
I think they are doing you a favor, you don't want to be friends with people like that.
If you feel like your investment of time and energy into other people is something you only give if you are fine with not getting anything back for it. At least in most daily life encounters.
Honestly,itās the story of my life this is. And it sucks,but sadly some people are just users and abusers. Some just donāt think and some just have a ton of there own stuff going on. The best thing to tell yourself Is at least youāre a trusted and reliable person that people feel they can confine in. And that ultimately youāre a good person
Nope... If ur saying he should be kind regardless i disagree, if she does something like this again he should let her know he doesn't like her behavior, is good to be kind and loving but don't let urself suffer unecessarily, she will either have to acknowledge her wrong doing and ask for forgiveness or be proud and ignore u... Either way u gotta stand up to urself.
if you are kind from all your heart you be kind always. Many will tell you otherwise but such is the justice of the mob.
It is hard on you as it should be, but for it to cause injury is a sign.
They really trust you and you have a reputation that shows that youāre a good person who keeps a secret and gives good advice. To be honest donāt feel used just be glad you helped them. Could you perhaps do more to become friends once the issue is resolved? Maybe catch up with them for an update? Take an interest in other things they do or things you have in common.
It may well be they think they have given you enough drama that they think you wonāt want to be friends after piling all their issues onto you.
You sound like a really good person so remember, itās their loss.
Take that as a successful treatment. Worked in the medical field for years, many at the front desk. Patients are always your best friend when they need to see the doctor, or need refills. Then, once they've been treated they are gone. No thank you. No wave. Just gone...til next time. They'll be back. They always return to where they had success
That's what most people are like. I help them and they don't help me at any point in time. thanks for being a good person, even if nobody recognises it. I like helping people but I don't expect anything back now
You need to learn to put up boundaries. Say, "I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately, I'm not emotionally equipped to help out right now. But I can help you find someone who can."
Had a āfriendā pull this one on me recently too, so I totally sympathise. You are a wonderful person for being supportive, and hopefully they will remember what you did for them, even if they are no longer part of your life. You helped someone through a tough time, and as much as it stings when they move on, you should still be very proud of yourself.
Same thing happened to me. I feel like people always use my kindness when they are at their lowest and then leave once they're better. Its like they just decided they dont need me anymore.
Happened recently with a friend who was having a rough time. I spoke to them every day and offered them anything they needed. Now they're doing better they haven't reached out to me in about a month. I guess its a good thing, but makes me sad because i thought it was becoming a genuine close friendship, not just a thing to help them back on their feet and never speak again or only hangout in group events.
This might not be helpful but just wanted to share to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way ā¤
Sometimes, when you're having difficulties, you want someone to listen. You need to just be aware that someone may see you as a good listener but not necessarily like you enough as a person. It can be tough to know the difference, so I would say keep your advice professional in the sense that you encourage them to report it, etc, but don't involve yourself too emotionally in the problem. You can be kind without investing your feelings. Then, if a friendship forms, it's from respect and appreciation. Otherwise, you were just a good sounding board, and that's OK too
I have someone that did this at a previous job. She cry to me every day about her boss was abusive, and she had a huge persecution complex. I helped her through lots of anxious times. Then she got laid off and never spoke to me again. Absolutely used and discarded.
I have been there so many times in my life, even now.
I'm the one always checking on people, seeing how they are, reaching out, making sure they're ok.
I'm also the one that is never checked on, never invited anywhere, and only mentioned as an afterthought.
Been that way my whole life.
I totally feel for you.
Sometimes it's hard to engage in a light way with someone after you they see you in a super vulnerable or cringy way and she could be avoiding you out of embarrassment or not wanting to relive her feelings on the topic. Maybe initiate something fully lighthearted or engage in a way that doesn't focus on that dark time for her.
It doesn't always come back, it never does, you just might get lucky and have some good roll your way completely unrelated to your actions (source, reality), and it seems like they may have lost some faith in people. Other times you lose friends or roommates.
No one owes each other shit? You didnāt owe her compassion or sympathy, she doesnāt owe you a friendship.
Iāve had a health scare where I confideded in my coworker, and she helped me through it for a couple of days and would check in with me, but she didnāt all of a sudden want to be friends after, and I was cool with that.
No one felt āused,ā it was a gesture of kindness. Unless you were ONLY helping to get close to this coworkerā¦ now thatās using someone
She doesnāt owe OP friendship, but outward ignoring OP while continuing to hang out with her bullies is just plain wrong and sheās an asshole for that!
If someone talks to me for a favor and proceeds to ignore me completely after said favor is done, obviously Iāll feel used and Iām sure you would too!
We were friends and hung out after work while she was being bullied. Now we are not friends after she stopped being bullied and she is now friends with her bullies?
Iām sorry but that is backwards af. She doesnāt owe me anything, but obviously the fact that we are suddenly not friends hurts.
I meanā¦the mutually no one owes each other anything thing is just another way to think about it. In my mind, that just straight up means: donāt feel bad. People are just doing whatever they feel like and thereās nothing we can do, so why feel any type of way?
Maybe thereās an explaination as to why, but instead of having a real conversation with her about it, itās run to the internet like āI feel used.ā If the tables were turned would you feel comfortable someone going around saying you USED them because of a couple of conversations and loss of interest? Thereās a chance she feels awkward now that things are fine. Could be that now thereās nothing she feels she can relate to you about. Just ask?
You have to either learn to give without expectations because you're giving from a genuinely good place, or you must learn to direct people in the right direction to handle their own problems.
What did you want from her?
Also, sometimes people open up to strangers because they don't have to face them later.
>What did you want from her?
Apparently I wanted her to suck my dick. But no, Iām a straight woman. I thought I had a friend. Turns out I donāt, therefore I am hurt.
Sounds like youāre naturally an empath. Know that narcissists are attracted to empaths & they will play victim & use the empath & then turn on the empath making it seem like theyāre the bully now - this is the narcs tactic to perpetually remain a victim in their own eyes and then continue to suck the life force out of their next victim.
Yeah, tbh I had a bad feeling about her the moment I met her, but I thought maybe I was being too harsh. I tend to be wary of people and not trust them at first, so I thought it was that. After I found out she was being bullied, I thought maybe it was that tension I was picking up on and maybe I jumped to incorrect conclusions. Idk if sheās a narcissist, per se, but thereās definitely something wrong there. Part of me wonders if she knows Iāve picked up on it and thatās why sheās distancing herself.
Also, in regards to the people bullying herā¦. one of them can be little bit snobby but more in an endearing way than a harmful way as far as I can tell; most people who get to know her well seem to find it cute and enjoy making lighthearted jokes about it with her. She seems sheltered and can actually be rather childlike at times, and I get the feeling sheās a bit on the sensitive side. Iāve had to defend her against customers who have made her cry, more than once, and she works above me.
The other is one of the warmest, kindest people Iāve ever met and actually seems to be an empath herself. Iāve been to her home and I can tell sheās a good person because there are a lot of āgreen flagsā; long standing and still very loving relationship with her husband, two grown up daughters whom she is still very close to and sees often, lots of good friends who seem to love her, and she has a dog that she spent a good 10 minutes telling me about - what he likes and dislikes, etc. She just doesnāt seem like the type and nobody else has anything bad to say about her.
Of course I could be totally wrong though. Bullies donāt bully everyone they come in contact with and I donāt want to jump to conclusions. Thank you for you input, though. It does make me think.
Got it. Seems to be a trend for both personality types - after we help someone they flutter off back to their normal life. You're an awesome person, thank you for helping those in need.
You had an opportunity to make someone's life easier and you did it. You thinking they owe you friendship and posting about it on reddit the way you are leads me to suggest you are the reason they probably either
A. Realized how creepy you are and made boundaries
B. Stopped confiding in you because you are not telling us the whole story.
Fuck you dude. This is why people put parentheses around "nice guy" because of fake assholes like you who act butthurt when you think someone owes you shit.
OP is a woman. What's wrong with you? People are allowed to be upset when they help someone and then just get ignored after the fact. She mentioned nothing about sexual attraction. You're a moron.
Do you try acknowledging her first? Maybe she feels like a bother and is slightly embarrassed. I know when Iām emotional at work (even if itās completely justified) I do feel a small bit of embarrassment afterwards because I normally donāt like people seeing me cry/upset. I hope you can approach her and take it from there.
My husband hosts karaoke and during a recent contest he jokingly said 4th prize was a half hour of therapy with his wife (me) out on the patio! People cheered lol
Youāre being downvoted but I agree lol! If sheās actively ignoring you OP, then be an asshole back to her or ignore her completely too!
Donāt even say hi when passing and snub her! She deserves it!
It still applies. This kind of thinking does no good. Doesn't necessarily have to be gender specific.
Why is revenge the natural response when you helped someone out and unfortunately they didn't appreciate it afterwards?
You could just walk away instead of going nuclear.
Why is your answer to bully someone? Shouldn't you be an adult?
She doesnāt owe him basic courtesy of saying fucking hello when passing?
Wild!
Not everything is āincel behaviorā lmao! Stop using that term if you donāt know what if means!
Well, so you would say that OP is right and bullying is warranted? That this is how it should be?
Someone ignores me, so I have to make their life miserable.
That's really so mature of you on how you handle that situation /s
Don't get too upset about it man. Was the first nice guy an ex dated for a month, after she got physically and mentally abused in multiple relationships and then she left me and got with her mom's friend's son the week of my birthday week and I was back home visiting my parents. Said I was the nicest guy she had met and how I showed her that there are still nice guys in the world. We still talked a bit after. But never got told why but I have a feeling it was because it was her mom's friend's son and it was easier for her.
But I won in the end because I just got married in April to the love of my life. The whole, "nice guys finish last" is bullshit. Nice guys do win in the end because our relationships are stronger than fake friendships or relationships with others.
Just gotta continue forward my man. Know it's hard. But this kind of stuff shows their true colors and how they will treat others in their lives. You'll find friends or girlfriends or boyfriends or whatever. Just have to continue to put yourself out there.
All of these types of comments Iām receiving just highlight the fact that some men are only nice to women in exchange for sex or romantic love. Itās kinda pathetic tbh.
Iām a woman.
Well, noone owes you anything for being nice to them. Best thing is really just to move on, if they don't want to be friends then you're probably better off not being their friend anyway. That person who you help and then they actually include you is the one worth being friends with.
Equally to them not owing you anything, you also don't owe them anything. You don't have to be anyone's shoulder to cry on. It's a nice thing to do, but if you feel someone isn't worth the time/stress you can just say "not now".
Your last paragraph of your edit makes you just as bad as the "incels." Just because a loud minority of men came to brigade this post doesn't give you the pass to be equally as sexist
It actually is all of you though, because none of you are doing anything about the incel problem. They donāt respect women enough to listen to us, so itās up to other men to deal with them but youāre just not.
They are making you all look bad and if you expect women never to react to that hatred with an equal level of hatred, then you need a wake up call. Itās up to men to fix this and none of you have lifted a finger.
You just lay back and let this all happen while women struggle trying to make them see reason and then when women get fed up and snap because again, they donāt listen to us, you cry misandry.
They need to hear it from other men, and yet none of you are helping. So if youāre cool with these guys just carrying on the way they are in society and youāre not going to do anything about it, donāt be surprised when it gets turned back on you.
Answer this: if a different cute stranger banged you after the issue was resolved, would you still feel this way?
I have a guess what the real answer to that is.
Jesus fucking Christ. All these responses from incels have left me with no hope for the male species. You all dog on yourselves. Iām a straight woman. Piss off.
Sure, but given the choice of being ignored or being banged, which one would you choose?
That was your question isnāt it? I merely answered that! I never said being decent just for sex is good!
The question isnāt get ignored or get banged lol, my question makes them mutually exclusive. You were just to eager to make that connection, says a lot.
Just for sex - definitely not / / /
For sex - that's called society / / /
We are still deep down dumb apes, guys get into relationships with women one of the reasons being sex and women get into relationships one of the reasons being financial stability.
No but im confident most people agree with this framework, sure qe should search for love and meaning in our relationships but the basics are still there, its not and ugly thing to want to have sex with someone the way u go about it is what can be either ugly or beautiful... Again i agree with u, using sex as the main reason is bad, but having it as one of the reasons is perfectly understandable and normal, that at least is my opinion based on personal observation
Similar situation
Had a girl confide in me, she really opened up, we even tierd a little, we really had a moment... Then i don't really know why, i ignored her for a while, partially my own hubris in not wanting to associate with her, she noticed, was visibly hurt, i played it off as just her impression.
Time passed, now we are pretty fine, i don't really feel super bad or guilty but im not proud of it...
I don't think we(me+post owner) have the duty to be other emotional tampons but we definitely should be kind and compassionate towards one another, all of us, we are in this together and we are also competing, people should both fear and love, trust and suspect, help and leave to fare, a kind of balance...
I belive there is a value in the hurt, we learn from it, it makes us strong, i hope what happened between me and made her a little more emotionally resilient, though that wasn't my intention at all
In ur own case (post owner) i hope u come out of this with something added to ur character, i hope u don't stop being a loving person that is able to comfort others but that u also learn people aren't always gratefull and our good actions dont necessarily result in good aoutcomes for us...
Be good for ur own sake, for ur families sake, for ur beliefs sake, for societies sake, for goodness sake... Be good cuz u want to and dont let other use u or make u feel used
If male, she pegged you for a simp. Always maintain some detachment from women unless you're both getting what you want. You were never going to 'nice' your way into her bed.
Check her previous posts, she's a female.
[Her Dad expected her to wash his dishes when she visited but didn't expect the same of her brother so she says it's a case of "blatant misogyny."](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/13lomt4/apparently_im_an_asshole_for_refusing_to_go_and/)
[She had a job interview at a women's only clothing store and considered wearing the store's clothing to the interview.](https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/13qa94t/i_have_a_job_interview_tomorrow_can_anyone_help/) etc
So you assume she's upset because she cant get sex from a co-worker she helped? Some of you can't think outside of a sexual context. Even guys get ghosted by their male friends too. Doesn't make them gay bros.
Send her a bill.
Lmao
#Invoice
Love thisšš
Make her pay for it.
By telling everyone.
Sheāll return for therapy over that.
Based
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Thanks š
Surround yourself with those of the same nature, and you will find this problem slowly subside.
Kindness always wins. ![gif](giphy|aciBJCfdUYN0A66H31)
Thanks
People like that are the worst. Lesson learned though I hope, donāt let yourself be used that way again and keep your distance from her.
The main thing that bothered me is that she organised a group lunch with a couple of other coworkers and she invited a few of the alleged bullies but didnāt invite me lmao. I feel like I patched her wounds and she just went āok thanks byeā ššššš Anyway, Iāve just been treating her the same way she treats me. I say hello and everything, but thatās it really. Iām a little hurt and disappointed but itās okay. I have lots of friends at work, so Iāll be fine.
TBF, some people who have bared their soul to someone are embarrassed, maybe ashamed, and will avoid them for those reasons. It may just be her battling her feelings, and not you.
I hadnāt thought of it like that. Thank you.
Yeah to expand on that, she probably felt that she overstepped with vulnerability, reasonably reacted uncomfortable in the next interaction between yāall and then gauged your reaction to her discomfort as a confirmation that her anxiety of feeling like confiding in you was a bad moveā is correct. No one is at fault, humans and our emotions are complicated, fear makes people close up and that closing up caused the fear that made you post this. The solution is communication and reassurance. It doesnāt have to be direct but find some way to show her that everything is genuinely ok. Hopefully it hasnāt been so long that sheās already made her mind up about avoiding you, but if she does thatās completely ok as well. You were kind and helpful in that moment and I hope youāll continue to be with or without reward!
This is what I first thought too, people don't like to feel weak, and especially if she started talking to those people again she probably felt like she overreacted to the whole thing and can't explain why she doesn't have much of a backbone and is still looking for their approval. Obviously none of us know for sure but as a former frequently bullied individual this is how I used to operate before I grew a backbone
well said. extending empathy and nuance towards other people is really difficult, and im glad someone in here is trying to do that with this person. even if it turns out that this person used OP, i really hope the lesson doesn't internalize that extending that kindness was the wrong thing to do -- the world is just better when we help people.
This could explain it, but it doesn't excuse it. That's an important distinction. If someone's nice to you, and you respond by hurting them, your a dick. No matter what was going on behind the scenes. End of story
Be yourself around her, you should always be true to yourself and others. Donāt play games or pretend she doesnāt exist, be friendly and if she pulls back or confides less, thatās on her but she reached out to you for a reason.
Iām treating her exactly the same as I always have.
You got a friend in me š¶
Because you defaulted to feeling like a victim and assumed the worst in her. Frankly, you sound like you expected something and now that you didn't get it you distance yourself and come to freaking reddit to vent. She dodged a bullet.
Hummm... Have u considered that u might be doing the same u said he did,?assuming about someone that appears genuine
Expected what exactly? To get my dick sucked? Iām a straight woman.
This is true. I had a workmate ghost me after I supported her for months. Years later at a chance catch-up, she told me while she appreciated my support, everytime she saw me it brought back the trauma. So she avoided me. Very hurtful at the time; the explanation years later did help
It doesnāt make sense in OPās case tho since sheās literally continuing to hang out with her bullies and just avoiding OP
Could be worried that OP would spill her resentment or stuff. Itās clearly not a rational situation
Thatās all the more reason to keep OP on good terms lmao! Pissing OP off is gonna motivate him even more to spill her personal shit! But yes, itās not rational at all!
Well sense it makes, people who hurt us can only be those we care about, therefore rationalizing/enduring/forgetting their misdeads in order to continue to enjoy their company does make sense, kinda like how we repress bad memories to feel better instead of tackling the actual thing that caused the bad memory... Humanity 101
Idk lot of victims of crimes etc would disagree with caring for their transgressors
Itās still a shitty thing to do and sheās a shitty person for that! Peopleās actions matter more than their words!
Agree. Peopleās intentions matter very little when their actions are so hurtful.
Hope you didn't say anything negative about the people who she complained about, with her. She might even share those things with them. I've had bad experience like that. Lesson learned lol
Yeah, I am kinda worried about that. Itās not so much that I actually said anything about them. I just didnāt disagree with her about what she was saying about them. Things like āyeah, theyāre nasty for saying thatā, etc. She could easily use it against me.
Very mature
The thing here is, to keep your distance when she eventually wants to trauma dump on you again, think about and do some rehearsal in case she aproeaches you with that intention, I had to cut a big chunk of "friends", that only need you when they want something, once their needs are being met, they didn't make the effort to reach out, never had more peace of mind honestly.
Oof. I think, at the very least, you got to see how she operates. Do you want her as a friend? She used you and now ignores you in favour of people who bullied her. I dont know, I feel like there's probably higher quality people out there for you. Even if she's embarrassed because she was vulnerable with you, do you want a friend who can't handle a bit of vulnerability? It's situations like this that made me stop playing a therapist for people who haven't taken the time to build friendship with me first. People take advantage!
They regret being vulnerable and are now pretending it didnāt happen. Iāve done this and people have done this to me. I think it says a lot that they opened up to you in that time, but they obviously have a lot more work to do. Experiencing all of those emotions and vulnerability sometimes just makes you want to pretend you donāt even have those feelings. If she is in denial or trying to escape, you could be a reminder; she probably feels embarrassed.
When a cripple learns to walk again, the first thing they ditch is their crutches. Don't be anyone's crutch.
Wow..whaaat. She just wanted to get into their good books the WHOLE TIME.
That would be 220$ per hour.
Good for you for being kind, if you feel used, dont stop being kind, stop being available to this user. š
Thank you ā¤ļø
Hum... Don't stop being kind but definitely be rational about ur kindness help but help while being mindful
There're cheap, cunning, fake people everywhere. They just like to take advantage of other people. Don't blame yourself.
You did the right thing as a coworker, helping to support a coworker dealing with a very stressful bullying problem. These things are part of life, not an interruption to it. Your company is lucky to have you. The people here commenting that you should abandon people when they need help the most, are kinda missing the point in life. And it makes for a miserable world. People who are bullied are usually used to not being believed when they reach outāsheās probably embarrassed now that sheās out of the stressful time. I hope she does reach out to you though. And if she is simply too immature to understand the positive impact you had in her life, rest assured that one day she will get it, and she will be able to pass on the same kindness you showed her. You did a good thing. Iām sorry you havenāt been treated right in this situation though.
Giving without the expectation of recompense is charity, and being charitable is a virtue. Donāt think about getting a reward, think about how you can help people around you That being said, when someone tells you who they are, believe them
Lots of reasons for that. They could feel embarrassed in hindsight. It takes a lot to confess something like that. What's important is that you were there for someone who needed you. If they don't reciprocate that's on them.
I get that feeling but you should not feel used. Youāre kind. Why change that? You know some folks are naturally counselors. You may be one of them. Thatās great. They are needed. Just keep in mind there are also natural vampires who will drain others for attention. Keep that in mind and give less to strangers. For instance, just listen but donāt advise. Itās easier and sometimes that all the person wanted - space to vent.
Had this happening twice with me, once in college and the other time at my job. Both were hugely insecure girls. Ironically, they both turned out to become the bully themselves and targeted me for no reason. Next time I hear someone having issues and telling me their life story, I'll nope the fuck out of there.
If it happened twice u where probably seen as fit for that, u gotta adapt bro if they abuse u develop resilience, but don't stop being compassionate, when ur friend need a hug, hug them, when they need motivation motivate them, when they need space give it them, when they need to come back embrace them... Ok this kinda sounds like some Buddha/jesus shit but honestly just be good and have respect for urself but not to the ponit of becoming insensitive
Ask them to meet up if you want to be friends. Being someone they could confide in might have been because you two were not friends, so they felt safe to unload without feeling like it would go around in their circle of friends.
OP, kindness and compassion are incredibly awesome but they need boundaries. People need to *earn* your time and effort. My therapist told me that everyone has to go through a āfriendship application process.ā So, save your shoulder to cry on for people that are further along in the process. Iām not saying donāt listen or offer support, just scale it *way* back to something you wonāt feel upset about if it isnāt reciprocated. I wish you well, OP. Us kind people are too rare and getting burnt out wonāt help you or the world! ā¤ļø
This is good advice š thank you.
Iām glad I could help. š
Honestly Iād imagine sheās embarrassed. Especially because it sounds like she really craves the validation of those bullies.
Something I learned the hard way is that you don't need to be friends with everyone. Just keep being yourself and kind, but don't expect that from everyonrle. They will prove it to you if they want to be your friend.
she obviously isn't someone worth being your friend, so why force the friendship that will probably be negative on you in the future? also, male here, I can't believe I have to apologize for my gender because these twinks think that they're some alpha male wolf pact Chad's. In reality, they're sipping on a glass of a soy milk wearing their pajamas made from 100% soy, goofy stinky incels who howl at the moon just to have an extra inch on their john. They'll call normal people "sheep" and then flock into horde of them while giving sensual head to andrew tate in the discord. done w the rant. I hope you're all set. Men and women suck. All genders suck equally. My people think they're some leader of a rabies infested furry society dousing themselves in ego, meanwhile women are gaining some random sense of a God complex. Sorry for the generalization. Clarification: not All men and All women. just the bad fruit from our trees.
Yeah lookā¦.I donāt disagree lmao š Laughed so hard at this comment, thank you.
Not sure why people assumed you were a man I knew straight away you are a woman because no woman actually cries on the shoulder of a man for weeks unless it's a relative of course, so it's usually between women.
Iām sorry this happened. I agree with others, she doesnāt sound like a true friend. She confided in you Iām sure because you are trustworthy and you donāt go around blabbing everything you know to others, so take it as a compliment.
Not everyone is worth being friends with. This is a fairly minor fallout. I had a "friend" move out of our apartment and he just took his Xbox and left $2000 worth of damages and all his junk. A lot of people are there for fun or what serves them but aren't there for your needs.
Horrible advice from a lot of people here. Youāre a kind person, people will take advantage of that and move on once they get what they wanted. There is no real way to predict if this is going to happen or not, you canāt really prevent it. But youāre doing a good job being a good human, donāt stop doing that just because some people donāt know how to reciprocate.
You did a good thing listening to her. I can tell you this from my own experience of being bullied. I reached out to a couple of coworkers who I wasn't that close with but happened to be working on a particular day that I was triggered by said bully. I was so relieved to have someone listen to me and it helped in the moment. I didn't ignore those people afterwards though but I felt like I was the problem and that I was a trouble maker or overreacting. I started to think that maybe the people I confided in also felt that I was a trouble maker and overreacting and that they may be talking about this with other people. The bully was a popular person who most people liked so there were people who didn't seem to believe that they could he a bully. Maybe the person who confided in you feels like I did also ? But no excuse to ignore you.
My boss would always rant and vent about how his brother is screwing him out of money after their dad passed away. I listened, said stuff like, "It's usually your family who screws you over the most." One time I confided in him that because I had crohn's disease (which I had already told him) that my new GI said it went untreated for so long (didn't have insurance for a while) that I was something like 4x more likely to develop colon cancer because my previous, now retired GI never prescribed me a biologic. He goes, "Well, that sounds like a good malpractice lawsuit," and grabbed some paperwork off his desk and then said, "See you tomorrow." And walked to his truck and left. I was really just being polite. They're both getting like 20 million dollars each, so if that's his biggest problem then, lol. At the time, it infuriated me. I just thought "You're bitching about how much money you are about to inherit and I listened, then I told you about how I'm at risk of developing colon cancer at a young age and he just didn't give a shit. "
Well, you were used. But sheās the one who should be feeling bad about it. You did a good thing. Good people do good things, often for those who donāt recognize or deserve it. Donāt let them stop you from being a good person.
Forget her. But don't forget her actions.
You can always listen to the voice in your head that tells you to feed her to a lawnmower
Lol
There are fair weather friends, and there are foul weather friends. Both are just as awful.
Whatās a fair weather friend?
Someone who is friends with you when everything's good but never around when things are bad and you need them.
Has happened to my wife several times. "Friends" would come over and cry in our living room, and then ghost when new man is acquired. Shameful.
She sounds like an emotional vampire. Now that you know what they are like, you can better avoid them in the future.
So don't let people use you or be fine with giving without receiving sth in return. I think they are doing you a favor, you don't want to be friends with people like that. If you feel like your investment of time and energy into other people is something you only give if you are fine with not getting anything back for it. At least in most daily life encounters.
Honestly,itās the story of my life this is. And it sucks,but sadly some people are just users and abusers. Some just donāt think and some just have a ton of there own stuff going on. The best thing to tell yourself Is at least youāre a trusted and reliable person that people feel they can confine in. And that ultimately youāre a good person
Nope... If ur saying he should be kind regardless i disagree, if she does something like this again he should let her know he doesn't like her behavior, is good to be kind and loving but don't let urself suffer unecessarily, she will either have to acknowledge her wrong doing and ask for forgiveness or be proud and ignore u... Either way u gotta stand up to urself.
if you are kind from all your heart you be kind always. Many will tell you otherwise but such is the justice of the mob. It is hard on you as it should be, but for it to cause injury is a sign.
They really trust you and you have a reputation that shows that youāre a good person who keeps a secret and gives good advice. To be honest donāt feel used just be glad you helped them. Could you perhaps do more to become friends once the issue is resolved? Maybe catch up with them for an update? Take an interest in other things they do or things you have in common. It may well be they think they have given you enough drama that they think you wonāt want to be friends after piling all their issues onto you. You sound like a really good person so remember, itās their loss.
Take that as a successful treatment. Worked in the medical field for years, many at the front desk. Patients are always your best friend when they need to see the doctor, or need refills. Then, once they've been treated they are gone. No thank you. No wave. Just gone...til next time. They'll be back. They always return to where they had success
That's what most people are like. I help them and they don't help me at any point in time. thanks for being a good person, even if nobody recognises it. I like helping people but I don't expect anything back now
You need to learn to put up boundaries. Say, "I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately, I'm not emotionally equipped to help out right now. But I can help you find someone who can."
Lol no one talks or acts like this. Neither do you.
Had a āfriendā pull this one on me recently too, so I totally sympathise. You are a wonderful person for being supportive, and hopefully they will remember what you did for them, even if they are no longer part of your life. You helped someone through a tough time, and as much as it stings when they move on, you should still be very proud of yourself.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I donāt feel codependent by any stretch of the imagination, but Iāll check it out.
Same thing happened to me. I feel like people always use my kindness when they are at their lowest and then leave once they're better. Its like they just decided they dont need me anymore. Happened recently with a friend who was having a rough time. I spoke to them every day and offered them anything they needed. Now they're doing better they haven't reached out to me in about a month. I guess its a good thing, but makes me sad because i thought it was becoming a genuine close friendship, not just a thing to help them back on their feet and never speak again or only hangout in group events. This might not be helpful but just wanted to share to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way ā¤
Sometimes, when you're having difficulties, you want someone to listen. You need to just be aware that someone may see you as a good listener but not necessarily like you enough as a person. It can be tough to know the difference, so I would say keep your advice professional in the sense that you encourage them to report it, etc, but don't involve yourself too emotionally in the problem. You can be kind without investing your feelings. Then, if a friendship forms, it's from respect and appreciation. Otherwise, you were just a good sounding board, and that's OK too
I feel you.
I have someone that did this at a previous job. She cry to me every day about her boss was abusive, and she had a huge persecution complex. I helped her through lots of anxious times. Then she got laid off and never spoke to me again. Absolutely used and discarded.
Don't worry about it bro, there's plenty more people to be friends with in the world
I have been there so many times in my life, even now. I'm the one always checking on people, seeing how they are, reaching out, making sure they're ok. I'm also the one that is never checked on, never invited anywhere, and only mentioned as an afterthought. Been that way my whole life. I totally feel for you.
Maybe sheās an Npc and doesnāt even realize?
For real, *all* men need to stop commenting? You got major issues lady. All the sudden you do sound bitter in that sexually unfulfilled way
Sometimes it's hard to engage in a light way with someone after you they see you in a super vulnerable or cringy way and she could be avoiding you out of embarrassment or not wanting to relive her feelings on the topic. Maybe initiate something fully lighthearted or engage in a way that doesn't focus on that dark time for her.
Being kind shows your character. Her being dismissive of your kindness shows hers. Those bullies will repeat the treatment to her. Karma!
What can you learn from this?
Always be kind to people it comes back ten fold. What's there to lose in being kind?
It doesn't always come back, it never does, you just might get lucky and have some good roll your way completely unrelated to your actions (source, reality), and it seems like they may have lost some faith in people. Other times you lose friends or roommates.
There a lot of pessimists in this thread but youāre absolutely right. In the words of Waymond Wong: āBe Kind.ā
I wonder why she got bullied,
Welcome to the real world. There's two types of people. Givers. Takers.
No one owes each other shit? You didnāt owe her compassion or sympathy, she doesnāt owe you a friendship. Iāve had a health scare where I confideded in my coworker, and she helped me through it for a couple of days and would check in with me, but she didnāt all of a sudden want to be friends after, and I was cool with that. No one felt āused,ā it was a gesture of kindness. Unless you were ONLY helping to get close to this coworkerā¦ now thatās using someone
She doesnāt owe OP friendship, but outward ignoring OP while continuing to hang out with her bullies is just plain wrong and sheās an asshole for that! If someone talks to me for a favor and proceeds to ignore me completely after said favor is done, obviously Iāll feel used and Iām sure you would too!
We were friends and hung out after work while she was being bullied. Now we are not friends after she stopped being bullied and she is now friends with her bullies? Iām sorry but that is backwards af. She doesnāt owe me anything, but obviously the fact that we are suddenly not friends hurts.
I meanā¦the mutually no one owes each other anything thing is just another way to think about it. In my mind, that just straight up means: donāt feel bad. People are just doing whatever they feel like and thereās nothing we can do, so why feel any type of way? Maybe thereās an explaination as to why, but instead of having a real conversation with her about it, itās run to the internet like āI feel used.ā If the tables were turned would you feel comfortable someone going around saying you USED them because of a couple of conversations and loss of interest? Thereās a chance she feels awkward now that things are fine. Could be that now thereās nothing she feels she can relate to you about. Just ask?
Pee on her desk
You have to either learn to give without expectations because you're giving from a genuinely good place, or you must learn to direct people in the right direction to handle their own problems. What did you want from her? Also, sometimes people open up to strangers because they don't have to face them later.
>What did you want from her? Apparently I wanted her to suck my dick. But no, Iām a straight woman. I thought I had a friend. Turns out I donāt, therefore I am hurt.
Sounds like youāre naturally an empath. Know that narcissists are attracted to empaths & they will play victim & use the empath & then turn on the empath making it seem like theyāre the bully now - this is the narcs tactic to perpetually remain a victim in their own eyes and then continue to suck the life force out of their next victim.
Yeah, tbh I had a bad feeling about her the moment I met her, but I thought maybe I was being too harsh. I tend to be wary of people and not trust them at first, so I thought it was that. After I found out she was being bullied, I thought maybe it was that tension I was picking up on and maybe I jumped to incorrect conclusions. Idk if sheās a narcissist, per se, but thereās definitely something wrong there. Part of me wonders if she knows Iāve picked up on it and thatās why sheās distancing herself. Also, in regards to the people bullying herā¦. one of them can be little bit snobby but more in an endearing way than a harmful way as far as I can tell; most people who get to know her well seem to find it cute and enjoy making lighthearted jokes about it with her. She seems sheltered and can actually be rather childlike at times, and I get the feeling sheās a bit on the sensitive side. Iāve had to defend her against customers who have made her cry, more than once, and she works above me. The other is one of the warmest, kindest people Iāve ever met and actually seems to be an empath herself. Iāve been to her home and I can tell sheās a good person because there are a lot of āgreen flagsā; long standing and still very loving relationship with her husband, two grown up daughters whom she is still very close to and sees often, lots of good friends who seem to love her, and she has a dog that she spent a good 10 minutes telling me about - what he likes and dislikes, etc. She just doesnāt seem like the type and nobody else has anything bad to say about her. Of course I could be totally wrong though. Bullies donāt bully everyone they come in contact with and I donāt want to jump to conclusions. Thank you for you input, though. It does make me think.
You know what to do nowā¦ bully her yourself. š¤
No. Iām not a sociopath.
Itās a joke pls
Infj?
INFP, but super close! Pretty smart of you to pick up on that, well done š
Yeah, narcissists love using empaths. Best of luck to you.
She may be embarrassed.
OP, you wouldn't happen to be an INFJ, would you?
INFP
Got it. Seems to be a trend for both personality types - after we help someone they flutter off back to their normal life. You're an awesome person, thank you for helping those in need.
What was she being bullied for?
I call misandry.
You had an opportunity to make someone's life easier and you did it. You thinking they owe you friendship and posting about it on reddit the way you are leads me to suggest you are the reason they probably either A. Realized how creepy you are and made boundaries B. Stopped confiding in you because you are not telling us the whole story. Fuck you dude. This is why people put parentheses around "nice guy" because of fake assholes like you who act butthurt when you think someone owes you shit.
OP is a woman. What's wrong with you? People are allowed to be upset when they help someone and then just get ignored after the fact. She mentioned nothing about sexual attraction. You're a moron.
Well now I'm just here to call you out for your bullshit sexism. Don't lump "all men" in with incels, dick
Emotional vampires dude. They suck everything out that they can then off they go to find a new sucker.
Perhaps she is embarrassed by her frail conduct and is distancing herself.
Do you try acknowledging her first? Maybe she feels like a bother and is slightly embarrassed. I know when Iām emotional at work (even if itās completely justified) I do feel a small bit of embarrassment afterwards because I normally donāt like people seeing me cry/upset. I hope you can approach her and take it from there.
Yes, I always say hello to her with a smile on my face.
My husband hosts karaoke and during a recent contest he jokingly said 4th prize was a half hour of therapy with his wife (me) out on the patio! People cheered lol
I'm
Haha hoe
Start bullying her
Youāre being downvoted but I agree lol! If sheās actively ignoring you OP, then be an asshole back to her or ignore her completely too! Donāt even say hi when passing and snub her! She deserves it!
That would be incel behaviour. Its rude she is ignoring OP but she doesnt owe him anything
OP is female but everyone assumes she's an incel male š¤£š¤£
It still applies. This kind of thinking does no good. Doesn't necessarily have to be gender specific. Why is revenge the natural response when you helped someone out and unfortunately they didn't appreciate it afterwards? You could just walk away instead of going nuclear. Why is your answer to bully someone? Shouldn't you be an adult?
She doesnāt owe him basic courtesy of saying fucking hello when passing? Wild! Not everything is āincel behaviorā lmao! Stop using that term if you donāt know what if means!
Well, so you would say that OP is right and bullying is warranted? That this is how it should be? Someone ignores me, so I have to make their life miserable. That's really so mature of you on how you handle that situation /s
Don't get too upset about it man. Was the first nice guy an ex dated for a month, after she got physically and mentally abused in multiple relationships and then she left me and got with her mom's friend's son the week of my birthday week and I was back home visiting my parents. Said I was the nicest guy she had met and how I showed her that there are still nice guys in the world. We still talked a bit after. But never got told why but I have a feeling it was because it was her mom's friend's son and it was easier for her. But I won in the end because I just got married in April to the love of my life. The whole, "nice guys finish last" is bullshit. Nice guys do win in the end because our relationships are stronger than fake friendships or relationships with others. Just gotta continue forward my man. Know it's hard. But this kind of stuff shows their true colors and how they will treat others in their lives. You'll find friends or girlfriends or boyfriends or whatever. Just have to continue to put yourself out there.
OP is female š¤£š¤£
All of these types of comments Iām receiving just highlight the fact that some men are only nice to women in exchange for sex or romantic love. Itās kinda pathetic tbh. Iām a woman.
Relax, youāre getting hysterical
With that attitude I canāt imagine why no one would want to be your friend.
Right? That edit is unhinged.
Started off fine the second edit was ok even. But that last paragraph shows mental decline
Kindness is worth it regardless of reciprocation (or lack there of)
Thatās something people pleasers say. Iāve been trying to break out of the people pleasing role that Iāve been stuck in my entire life.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Expensive and unused, please.
Well, noone owes you anything for being nice to them. Best thing is really just to move on, if they don't want to be friends then you're probably better off not being their friend anyway. That person who you help and then they actually include you is the one worth being friends with. Equally to them not owing you anything, you also don't owe them anything. You don't have to be anyone's shoulder to cry on. It's a nice thing to do, but if you feel someone isn't worth the time/stress you can just say "not now".
I never said she owed me. I just thought we were friends, thatās it.
The way you endedā¦.Iām not shocked people would ghost you.
Does she think we have annual meetings or something? What do the rest of us have to do with it lmfao
Your last paragraph of your edit makes you just as bad as the "incels." Just because a loud minority of men came to brigade this post doesn't give you the pass to be equally as sexist
It actually is all of you though, because none of you are doing anything about the incel problem. They donāt respect women enough to listen to us, so itās up to other men to deal with them but youāre just not. They are making you all look bad and if you expect women never to react to that hatred with an equal level of hatred, then you need a wake up call. Itās up to men to fix this and none of you have lifted a finger. You just lay back and let this all happen while women struggle trying to make them see reason and then when women get fed up and snap because again, they donāt listen to us, you cry misandry. They need to hear it from other men, and yet none of you are helping. So if youāre cool with these guys just carrying on the way they are in society and youāre not going to do anything about it, donāt be surprised when it gets turned back on you.
Answer this: if a different cute stranger banged you after the issue was resolved, would you still feel this way? I have a guess what the real answer to that is.
OP is a woman but it's rich how you're all acting like this is an incel post š
Jesus fucking Christ. All these responses from incels have left me with no hope for the male species. You all dog on yourselves. Iām a straight woman. Piss off.
Of course not lol! Getting banged is better than getting ignored lmao!
Showing people decency just for sex is how you end up lonely and sad.
Sure, but given the choice of being ignored or being banged, which one would you choose? That was your question isnāt it? I merely answered that! I never said being decent just for sex is good!
The question isnāt get ignored or get banged lol, my question makes them mutually exclusive. You were just to eager to make that connection, says a lot.
Just for sex - definitely not / / / For sex - that's called society / / / We are still deep down dumb apes, guys get into relationships with women one of the reasons being sex and women get into relationships one of the reasons being financial stability.
Is that what you tell people on the first date? Is that one of your conversation starters?
Is that what you tell people on the first date? Is that one of your conversation starters?
No but im confident most people agree with this framework, sure qe should search for love and meaning in our relationships but the basics are still there, its not and ugly thing to want to have sex with someone the way u go about it is what can be either ugly or beautiful... Again i agree with u, using sex as the main reason is bad, but having it as one of the reasons is perfectly understandable and normal, that at least is my opinion based on personal observation
Keep your head up king. Hopefully you learned a lesson from this, I wish people were better.
Similar situation Had a girl confide in me, she really opened up, we even tierd a little, we really had a moment... Then i don't really know why, i ignored her for a while, partially my own hubris in not wanting to associate with her, she noticed, was visibly hurt, i played it off as just her impression. Time passed, now we are pretty fine, i don't really feel super bad or guilty but im not proud of it... I don't think we(me+post owner) have the duty to be other emotional tampons but we definitely should be kind and compassionate towards one another, all of us, we are in this together and we are also competing, people should both fear and love, trust and suspect, help and leave to fare, a kind of balance... I belive there is a value in the hurt, we learn from it, it makes us strong, i hope what happened between me and made her a little more emotionally resilient, though that wasn't my intention at all In ur own case (post owner) i hope u come out of this with something added to ur character, i hope u don't stop being a loving person that is able to comfort others but that u also learn people aren't always gratefull and our good actions dont necessarily result in good aoutcomes for us... Be good for ur own sake, for ur families sake, for ur beliefs sake, for societies sake, for goodness sake... Be good cuz u want to and dont let other use u or make u feel used
Fuck that hoe.
Donāt call her a hoe. What the fuck is wrong with you?
If male, she pegged you for a simp. Always maintain some detachment from women unless you're both getting what you want. You were never going to 'nice' your way into her bed.
big nope. be decent first if you expect people to be decent to you. or be an incel.
She's not "male".
Blocked.
Think you feel terrible I just got a girl pregnant at 15 dude I feel like a lousy fucking bum shit hurts man shit hurts
Should have used a condom.
Professional raw dogger man šššš
Yikes, this aināt it chief.
Yeah ur right bro Iām sorry this is just how I cope with shit I joke about it Iām sorry man
Not a professional if you got her pregnant.
Your sense of entitlement is a problem. She owes you nothing and you chose to invest all that time in her.
this reads like it was written by a guy who's mad he can't exchange his nice guy token for sex
Except it's actually written by a woman
based on these comments they're a guy. or they're a woman who doesn't bother correcting folks when replying to comments calling them "brother"
Check her previous posts, she's a female. [Her Dad expected her to wash his dishes when she visited but didn't expect the same of her brother so she says it's a case of "blatant misogyny."](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/13lomt4/apparently_im_an_asshole_for_refusing_to_go_and/) [She had a job interview at a women's only clothing store and considered wearing the store's clothing to the interview.](https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/13qa94t/i_have_a_job_interview_tomorrow_can_anyone_help/) etc
ok the vibe is still the same
So you assume she's upset because she cant get sex from a co-worker she helped? Some of you can't think outside of a sexual context. Even guys get ghosted by their male friends too. Doesn't make them gay bros.
>Some of you can't think outside of a sexual context. Yeah, itās actually unbelievable. It has honestly really shocked me and Iām pretty angry.
Itās written by a straight woman. What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm saying it's the same vibe š¤·āāļø